I Work For A Non-Profit, & I Strip To Pay Off My Student Loans...
[ 7 February 2012, 20:48 ]
My interview with an escort last month caused a bit of an uproar. The majority of women were supportive of Alexis’ choice, while at the same time mentioning that she didn’t sound very happy. On the flip-side, some women were appalled. I received a few emails from people asking, “How is this radical self love?”, & I’d like to address that.
Radical self love is not just about ourselves & our own interests, passions or values. It is the OPPOSITE of selfishness. It is about supporting ALL women, no matter whether we agree with their lifestyles or not. Radical self love encourages us to EDUCATE ourselves about other peoples’ way of life, even if it makes us feel uncomfortable. It is not about being judgmental, or writing people off because of the decisions they’ve made.
I got the wagging finger from a few people. I was accused of “glamorizing prostitution”, which is a bit of a stretch. An interview is not an endorsement. I think some of those people wanted me to put a big warning sticker on the article. I didn’t need to write a damning introduction or a reproachful conclusion, though — Alexis, in her own words, told us everything we needed to know.
I’m going to continue to address topics that may make you feel uncomfortable. If that drives you away, then so be it. It’s important to me that people are able to tell their stories, & I have a platform that allows me to help them do that, without slapping my morals all over the top. I’m going to continue down that road.
Sex work is part of life, & whether you like it or not, it’s never going to go away. All we can hope is that the people involved in the industry are healthy & happy.
With that being said… Here is Anneliese’s story about working at a non-profit during the day, & as a stripper at night!
Who are you & what do you do?
I am a full time writer for a non-profit organization by day, creating marketing and promotional materials, writing grants and reporting documents, cover letters, anything the organization might need. I am also a contract freelance writer in my spare time, mostly writing SEO content and press materials for local businesses, and then at night, I’m a stripper. I have a bachelor’s degree in English and a master’s degree in literature along with my teaching license for grades 7-12. I taught high school for four years before moving over to the world of non-profits.
I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t have my night job now if I was still teaching, and I definitely make more per hour dancing than I ever did teaching! I sometimes wonder how shocked my students would be if they ever found out…
What does an average day look like for you?
On a day when I’m planning to work at the club, I try to get a little extra sleep the night before, so I’ll skip a shower to sleep in an extra hour, and make it to my office by 9 AM. I’ll work at my computer through lunch so I can leave early, about 4 PM, to go home and start getting ready to go be “Annaliese.”
I try to eat light on dance days, sticking to soups and drinking lots of water. When I get home I’ll use my juicer to make fresh green juice, usually with an apple and a combination of kale, spinach and parsley; this helps me feel like my immune system is nice and boosted before going to work and being in close contact with strangers. I’ll shower, shave, and set my hair in curlers, then try to relax for an hour or two by reading a book or watching a couple of episodes of 30 Rock on Netflix.
My boyfriend usually gets home about 7, and by then I’ll have started packing my bag with my outfits and snacks (almonds and raisins), and make sure I have enough cash on hand to pay my house fees and tip-out just in case I don’t earn any money (always a scary possibility). I’ll put on my makeup and tediously apply individual false lashes, then finally do my hair, which I’m not very good at, so really that just means taking it down and blow drying it.
I like to do everything at home so I’m not vying for space in the dressing room. I’ll try to leave no later than 8 PM so I can make the 30 minute drive to the club and pay the cheaper house fee that’s in place before 9 PM (house fees can be very expensive, more so the later you arrive).
Once at the club, I check in with the host at the front door, get changed in the dressing room, check in with the DJ so he puts me on stage rotation, and then survey the club. It’s usually slow going for the first two hours, but once it picks up I stay fairly busy talking to customers, selling dances, and going on stage. I try to only go in on weeknights because the club closes at 2 AM vs. 3:30 AM on Fridays and Saturdays (too late for me!).
Once the lights come on it’s time to change back into jeans, count my money, tip out the managers and the DJ, text my boyfriend to tell him I’m headed home, and then drive the 30 minutes back to our apartment to shower again (very necessary – customers love to try and lick me or kiss me, which is gross, plus stage dancing makes me very sweaty) and go to bed. The next day I’ll sleep in an extra few hours and start my office hours late, staying later in the evening to make up for it. Even with the extra sleep I’m always exhausted and sore after a dance night.
On a normal night, I simply come home, try to make it to the gym for an hour, play with my dogs, start dinner for my boyfriend and I, then cuddle with him on the couch while we watch episodes of Dr. Who till it’s time to curl up in bed with a book.
What motivated you to start stripping in the first place?
I’ve always been curious about sex workers – I think it’s the writer in me that wants to experience every type of life a person can live. That’s probably why I’ve had so many jobs and can’t stick to one field – then go home and take notes about everything I’ve done and everyone I’ve met.
The tipping point was when I realized it was going to take me years to pay off all of my debts – car, credit cards, some extra post-graduate classes in English that I took in preparation for a hypothetical future PhD in English program – and I wanted to hurry up and pay those off so I can have a positive net worth sooner rather than later. It was also motivating when I figured up that the amount of interest I’m going to have to pay is over $15,000 if I don’t pay everything off earlier than the initial time frame.
Also, my day job is great, but it is for a non-profit, not very lucrative, and doesn’t pay enough to cover bills and expenses, make debt payments, and save up money for a rainy day or emergency. Between freelance writing and stripping once or twice a week, I can make, at the very least, an extra $1000 a month, which means I make as much as my supervisors at the office, which is kind of a good feeling, and I smile to myself when I think about it!
I can’t wait until I am debt free, I have a mental picture of myself doing Julie Andrew twirls in an open, sunlit field on the day it’s all finally gone.
What’s it like to work as a stripper? Have you formed friendships with the other girls you work with?
Working as a stripper has been the best professional development I have ever experienced. I am naturally introverted, so it has forced me to learn to be more outgoing, fearless, and pushy in terms of business transactions, (not pushy in an obnoxious way, but I’ve learned that I am worth a lot and I shouldn’t ever accept less than what I know my time is worth – in any facet of life).
I’m also becoming an excellent sales person, which I never thought possible, because I am so shy. It helps that I’m naturally diplomatic and a people pleaser, because some customers will be rude, or try to tell you that they paid you already when they didn’t, or other difficult scenarios that have to be dealt with, preferably without making a scene.
One of my biggest fears going into stripping was the rumors that strippers are mean and catty. I’m sure plenty of them are, but the ones I’ve interacted with have been sweet and polite. The girls who seem like they may be mean I just avoid. I haven’t been doing it long enough to make solid friendships, but I was already friends with a stripper who gave me the run down on how to get hired and what to expect – but she’s at a different club so I don’t get to work with her. When I started I just tried to keep to myself and be polite to everyone without asking for help (too often) or getting in anyone’s way. The girls who are nice started coming up to me and making conversation, and getting to know them has made working so much more enjoyable. Most of them are much younger than me (I’m 28) so I don’t pursue friendships outside the club, simply because we are at such different places I our lives.
But, it always makes me feel good when they guess my age around 23. My mother always told me, at 14 when I looked 12, that I’d appreciate looking younger when I got older. She was right, as usual. I tell all my customers that I’m 24 and working on a master’s degree, and no one’s ever questioned it – but they do insist on weeding out my “real name.” Good luck, guys.
What’s the best thing about what you do for work? What’s the worst thing?
The best thing about my day job is getting to raise money and support for charity. The worst thing is that a lot of the writing I have to do is repetitive, and I don’t really like being holed up in a cubicle all day. The best thing about freelance writing is getting to do lots of fun assignments about local businesses, events, and note worthy people. The worst thing is trying to keep my deadlines when I get overwhelmed with office work and need a break – breaks are rare when you have three jobs.
The best thing about stripping is the money, and being told I’m beautiful about fifty times a night, it never gets old. I had an awkward stage that lasted from about age 11 to 23 – I have always felt dorky and weird. I had to learn to tell myself that I am gorgeous just as I am, and that the healthier I am and the better I take care of myself, the longer I’ll stay gorgeous. Sometimes I still can’t believe, when I see my reflection, for example, in the glass doors of a grocery store, and I’m wearing baggy jeans and Sperry’s, that people pay money to get to spend time with me in a nylon bikini.
I’ve always been body insecure until the recent years of my late twenties, I’m not sure how my insecurities evaporated, but they did, with lots of self-pep-talks and positive programming, and now I don’t feel worried at all when I’m half naked in front of strangers. It’s incredibly liberating; I literally throw off any body self-doubt or care when my top gets flung across the stage during my second song.
I’ve also noticed that my insecurities in public in general have slowly been evaporating. For example – I don’t feel weird sitting alone at restaurants anymore, or anything that used to make me feel socially inept – it’s amazing to live without fear. I still get nervous, especially in the club when I have to approach strangers, I’m not sure that will ever go away, but getting older, thanks to stripping or not, has brought about a confidence in myself and a contentment that I wish I could go back in time and instill in my teenage self. This feeling makes growing older wonderful.
But there is a negative to stripping – since you asked – gross men groping me! A lot of the guys in strip clubs who actually spend money on dances are not men you’d willingly want to be close to, but you have to get over it. They get erections you can feel through their pants, they try to stick fingers places that they shouldn’t, they slobber on your neck… it can be really vile and you have to deal with it. You can either tell them to get a dance with someone else, or you can try to pin their hands down and put up with it to get their money. Sometimes they are really terrible and you have to get a manager, because it starts to encroach on assault. Other times you have customers who keep their hands to their sides, are engaging in conversation, tip well, and are fantastic. But for every charmer, there’s a groper, and knowing your own boundaries is the only way to get through it.
You mentioned that you keep your late-night life & your day-time life separate — why is that?
I’m not sure if I could get fired from my full time job for my part-time job, but I don’t want to find out. I’ve also learned that it’s surprising who holds stigmas about strippers/sex workers in general. I’ve told some friends and they don’t care, or they think it’s cool to have a “stripper friend.” Others, though, had odd reactions that involved bugged out eyes and questions about my motives, drugs, if anything was going on with me, etc. I learned it was best not to discuss it with them any further. I’m also not sure how my family would take it. I think they should be proud that I’m taking control of my finances and working to secure independence and financial security, but they may not see it that way.
Are there any major misconceptions about your job or industry?
There are lots of stigmas and stereotypes, but the three biggest that I’ve had to deal with are that I’m on drugs, that I want your boyfriend, and that I’m irresponsible.
The drugs one amuses me, because I’ve never done drugs, and I’m far too much of a purist to ever try them. I’ve never even had a cigarette, and I hate the smoke in the club. Yet somehow, stripping = coke user and/or pot head.
The second stigma is that I, or any stripper, truly are hitting on a boyfriend or husband and want to sleep with him. Stripping is about acting, and hustling, and trying to sell a dance and get tips. Most of the girls I work with are in relationships or married. After a guy pays me, other than having respect for him as a human being, I’m finished and ready to move on, no second glance back. I appreciate guys who make genuinely interesting conversation, but my girlfriends do that too, as does my boyfriend.
I used to get jealous at the thought of my boyfriend getting dances from strippers at clubs because I didn’t like that he was aroused by it, not because I thought the stripper’s ploys or intense stares meant anything. But, nature is nature, and lots of men are aroused by all women, not just their significant other. As long as a man isn’t actually cheating, touching, or trying to meet other girls in social settings, there is no real cause for concern.
The final stigma, that stripping is equal to being irresponsible, is almost laughable. It’s a job, and you have to show up on time, prepared, and keep track of all of your earnings, what you will owe, and how much you need to save for taxes. Plus, if you’re like lots of girls, you’re doing it on top of other jobs, school, or supporting a family. The image of a stripper is that of a party girl, but that’s the image that’s necessary to make a sale. Everything is acting, at least for the majority of the girls. Back in the dressing room, most girls look tired. It’s “game face” when you go out on the floor.
Other common stigmas involve having daddy issues, (I have a great relationship with my parents), that strippers are stupid, (there are people with a lack of intelligence in every profession, sex or being sexy does not negate a brain), and that strippers have no moral compass. No moral compass, to me, is trying to be everyone else’s moral compass. The only thing we should strive to be is compassionate, and too many people miss that mark, especially when judging sex workers.
What motivates you to keep going?
Paying off that debt, baby! And building up a solid little savings account. Also, this is cheesy, but I love the outfits and the shoes. The work is hard, and I’m not always crazy about going in to the club, but getting made up and cute is always fun; plus, high heels make everyone look good.
What are you most passionate about?
Writing – all I want to do is publish a novel and quit working for other people. Right now I’m so busy working for other people that I only work on my current novel about once a week. I’m hoping I can eventually save enough that I can take a hiatus from working and finish this book.
If I wanted to ice that cake, I’d get my PhD and teach literature. I love books and I loved teaching high school English, but I hated the hours – stuck in a classroom all day with no room to breathe – and I wasn’t too fond of the parents who all seemed to think their child deserved an “A” for existing. I often think about renewing my teaching license, I should probably research if my current employment will show up on a background check. I don’t think it should matter, but it seems my opinion on that is in the minority.
I also love cooking and working to keep myself and my boyfriend healthy – My New Roots and Bonzai Aphrodite are two of my internet food heroes. Cancer runs in my family, so I’m an extreme health nut, and pole dancing has been a fantastic way to stay in shape and build muscle.
Where would you like to be in 5 years?
In five years I’d like to be married to my sweet heart – he is the most wonderful boyfriend I could imagine – he’s not always very good at being romantic, but there’s nothing we can’t communicate about, and he brought flowers home for me yesterday just because, so he has his sweet moments, and we always, always have fun together. He also takes care of me, so I try to do the same for him, even if he doesn’t always like all the vegetables I make him eat!
In five years I’d like to have all of my debts paid off and no new ones incurred. I’d like to have my first book either published or at least finished and in the works of being shopped to editors and agents. I’d like the topic of kids to be on the table (I’ll be 33 then), hopefully in our own house with a yard for the dog, and I if I get my way, we’ll add a potbelly pig and a Chihuahua to our menagerie. Thirty-three also seems like a good time to finally get that PhD if I don’t already have it – no debts will make it much easier to quit working so I can go back to school full time.
No matter what happens – married, single, book published or not, I’m counting on it being fantastic, because I know it will be.
Much love,
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Carousel: French Street Art & Goths Up Trees...
[ 3 February 2012, 10:31 ]
Happy Friday, gorgeous! It’s a beautifully sunny — if a little bit chilly — day here in New York City, & I’m about to dash out of the house to run some long overdue errands.
As always, here are my favourite links & distractions of the week! I hope you enjoy reading them while you drink something delicious: hot cocoa, maybe, or a tall glass of sparkling water with some strawberries in it!
Oh, & I’m absolutely loving this collaboration (see the image above!) between Wheels & Doll Baby (one of my favourite labels!) & Ellen Von Unwerth (my #1 favourite photographer)! It’s so sassy. The video is at the end of this post, too!
Haha, incredible… This guy found out exactly what day Ice Cube was talking about in Today Was A Good Day!
I’m capable of deep love and commitment, you know? I adore this story about a man, his motorcycle, & his dying girlfriend.
Here’s a list of 30 things to start doing for yourself... Thanks to Dolly Dahl!
Rachel Hills wrote about how to grow your creative community. Right on, sister!
Adioso spits out real-time results of cheap & easy airfares from any city you choose. Great for those of us with itchy feet!
This post by my friend Lani makes me want to go & sing karaoke… RIGHT NOW!
Charlie Glickman wonders, where does validation come from? His article is all about sexual behaviour & whether it degrades or validates us, & maybe not in the way you’d expect…
What does it mean to be empowered? It’s a word that gets bandied around a lot, but what does it actually mean?
Oh, this makes me so happy: Goths Up Trees. WHY are there so many goths in trees? I have multiple old photos of me in black in a tree, & so do my friends! I don’t get it!
I’ve started writing for ChinaShop magazine again! In Get Dolled Up For A Dime In Salt Lake City, I wrote about my favourite vintage stores (& best scores!), & Wheels & Doll Baby Versus Ellen Von Unwerth = Pin-Up Perfection is a celebration of their beautiful collaboration.
Andy Warhol’s unseen Polaroids are now showing!
Would you ever dabble in a little literary nail art?
Hey, if you’re on the Pill, Pfizer recalled some packets claiming there might not be enough contraceptive in ‘em! Ruh-roh! Their official press release is here & it lists lot numbers & expiration dates. Please check your packages, & tell your girlfriends!
I love this French graffiti.
Sarah Wilson did a livestream about quitting sugar & answered plenty of questions from her audience. It’s good to listen to, even if you’re not planning on quitting sugar!
In case you were wondering, Whole Foods was not bought out by Monsanto!
Steve Pavlina recently declared himself socially bankrupt — a very interesting concept. Would you ever do this?
Some bright young thing is working on a start-up where you can work out what someone is wearing in a movie… & then buy it. I think it’s a great idea!
“Toss the numbers game, young vs. old! It’s about vitality & life force. You can be 25 & have zero energy & passion, or 45 & possess & put forth a dynamic, vital spirit, & engage in activities that follow suit. Don’t be a prisoner to your mind — that’s where fear & doubt live. Don’t wait for this or that to happen to live your life. Do it now… Make a plan then get off your ass & live!” — Eden Grimaldi
The U.K. — which takes a hard line on photoshopping in cosmetics — banned this one featuring Rachel Weisz. I feel bad for Ms. Weisz but at the same time, I think this is a major step forward. I really hope it sends a message to cosmetics companies that this can’t continue!
How can I get over the feeling that I have to look pretty? Some major radical self love inspiration over here!
Here are 10 Ways Sarah Jessica Parker’s Sex and the City Style Endures. Honestly, it’s not a great piece, but it’s nice to see what they picked!
Good news, everyone! Banana Republic is launching a second Mad Men collection! I, for one, welcome our new style overlords. (Two Matt Groening memes in 3 sentences! Are you proud?!)
Eight reasons to get excited about Madonna’s Superbowl show. I don’t even need this list! MADONNA! That’s enough for me! (P.S. Go Giants! Etc.! I don’t know a thing about football but… well… it’s New York. Insert some kind of sporty encouraging grunt here!) Also, Nicki Minaj. YAY!
Madonna Madonna Madonna! Here she is talking to Jay Leno recently.
Sometimes it feels like the fashion industry is the only one that loves Lana Del Rey. Mario Testino shot her for the cover of Vogue UK!
The girls who work at Alice + Olivia wear some really cute stuff to work — not that it’s a big surprise!
What Snooki, the Kardashians, and More Can Teach the World About Building Successful Fashion and Beauty Brands. This is actually really interesting, & a good read for anyone who is into building their own brand.
38 things I learnt at Alt Summit — yeah, you should really come along next year!
Have a fantastic weekend!
Let's talk on Twitter! Add me on Facebook! Enroll in Radical Self Love Bootcamp! Tags: carouselWhat Do You Love About Yourself?
[ 2 February 2012, 08:58 ]
If you’re feeling un peu down on yourself, here’s one really easy way to pull your socks up. Start writing a list of the things you love about yourself. I’m not talking about no 5 item list, either. No! I want you to get to 100 THINGS!
Sound too difficult? It’s not, I promise. If you’re coming up totally blank, here are some ideas to get your juices flowing…
The arch of your eyebrow Super-long arms which can reach any item on any top shelf Excellent taste & personal style Personal bravery Killer compassion Your dedication to optimism Strong fingernails Fearless wearing of crazy hats & weird sunglasses, no matter the occasion “Get ‘er done” spirit Excellent tea-making skills Unbeatable list-writing Relentless curiousity Vast knowledge of beat poetry Super-responsible pet mama Ability to make complicated concepts easy for others to understand Stellar accessorising…
Start writing it in your radical self love bible, or even on a scrap of paper! Carry it around with you so you can add to it when you have a flash of genius insight. By the way, if it takes you all month to complete this exercise, that’s totally okay. On the flip-side, if you blitz through your list in a day, KUDOS! (Maybe you could help your best friend write his or her own!)
Radical self love starts HERE, with a real & honest appraisal of the things that make YOU so brilliant!
Get writing, baby!
Let's talk on Twitter! Add me on Facebook! Enroll in Radical Self Love Bootcamp! Tags: the playgirls guide to radical self loveIn Celebration Of All Things Radical Self Love... & A Very Special Valentine's Day SALE!
[ 1 February 2012, 13:32 ]
Two years ago today, I put out a plea to end the Valentine’s Day madness, & decided to declare February the month of Radical Self Love. I didn’t know, then, what it would become. I didn’t know how much it would grow & swell, how much it would become a part of so many girl’s lives, & how much it could help us, change us, & make us happier.
Radical self love has since become my passion, my mission, my raison d‘être. I want nothing more than to show women — ALL women — how beautiful they are. Doing this inner work is what leads to everything else that is wonderful.
Loving yourself changes everything about your life. You stop putting up with other peoples’ bullshit. You start to demand more of others, & expect more from yourself. You leave destructive relationships & fizzled-out friendships in the dust. You start to wake up to what you’re truly passionate about, & make steps towards pursuing it. It completely alters your existence in a way that you could not possibly imagine.
My own journey to radical self lovin’ was a rocky one. I was clinically depressed from a young age, even diagnosed with bi-polar disorder by a doctor who barely took the time to speak to me! I started going to therapy when I was 13 years old, but no matter how many sessions I attended, nothing changed. When I moved out of home, I developed an eating disorder which consumed my life for several years. I always had huge dreams but I felt utterly crippled by what I perceived as my problems, my curses. My life felt hopeless & destitute. I felt so alienated from what was “normal”, & was afraid of what my future might look like.
My life completely changed when I started using EFT & consequently, learning how to love myself. My boyfriend — who was sick of me being a miseryguts all the time! — encouraged me to explore this path, & we had no knowledge of where it might lead.
I went from being a girl who felt stuck in her horrible corporate job, having terrible unromances (oh, the stories I could tell you), & feeling sad all the time to the woman I am now. I live in my favourite city in the entire world, I’m married to a fantastic man, & I get to do what I love EVERY DAY. If that’s not a personal revolution, I don’t know what is… & I think it’s worth celebrating!
So here’s what I have for you this February…
1. I’m going to be dishing out radical self love homework & activities ALL MONTH LONG!
2. For the duration of the month — all 29 days! — both Love & Sequins & Radical Self Love Bootcamp are going to be HALF-PRICE! (Eeeeeeeeeeeee!) This way, if you feel inspired to delve deeper into your own radical self love adventure, you’ll have a new & fantastic way to do it.
Why yes, yes it is!
Radical Self Love Bootcamp is $100 $50! It’s a 30-day course which comes with videos & MP3s, as well as an invitation to our exclusive (& FABULOUS) forum, where you can interact with other radical self love warriors!
If you enroll today, you’ll be (immediately!) sent a link to download the entire course. You can start whenever you want: today, tomorrow or next week!
You can read more about Radical Self Love Bootcamp here!
Love & Sequins is is $12 $6 per chapter, or $84 $42 for the WHOLE thing! All you have to do is click the heart on the right & you’ll be taken to a page showing you all your options — or you can click right here!
Each chapter is 10,000 or more words — a pretty large serving of sparkle! You’ll be sent your chapters of choice straight away, along with an accompanying MP3 to listen to on road-trips or while you walk around your city!
By the way, you don’t need a Paypal account to get your hands on the deliciousness — you can simply use your debit or credit card! Yay!
I can’t wait to share all this goodness with you… Get your radical self love bible ready & LET’S DO IT!
Happy Valentine’s Day month!
Let's talk on Twitter! Add me on Facebook! Enroll in Radical Self Love Bootcamp! Tags: radical self love bootcamp,
the playgirls guide to radical self loveI'm In Love With A Boy & A Girl: Who Do I Choose?
[ 31 January 2012, 10:15 ]
Dear Gala,Boy or Girl? Girl or Boy? For the past nine months now, I’ve been asking myself this.
No, I’m not pregnant. I just happen to be in love with two amazing people: the strongest and most inspiring woman I have ever met, and a fantastic man who loves me, seemingly unconditionally. Problem is, social norms don’t “allow” for loving two people, even on two different continents, at the same time.
For months, I have been making mental “Pro/Con” lists, trying to figure out who I should be with. I’ve tried to “listen to my instinct”. I’ve sneakily tried to get advice “for a friend”. And yet, nine months later I still cannot make up my mind. It’s taken its toll on me, obviously, and on my relationships with these people. I don’t know how to fix that, and after all this time I still don’t know what would be “the best decision for all of us”, the one that makes the most people happy, or the least unhappy. I know there’s no quick fix, and someone/s is/are bound to get hurt, but how do I do what’s best, ultimately?
I turn to you because the countless emails you must receive probably give you a lot of insight in the weird and wonderful world of relationships, definitely much more than anyone I personally know, and I’m losing hope. Any advice/thoughts/pointers would be greatly appreciated if you have the time to spare.
Thank you for being an inspiration to love and believe in oneself and the world. I am of the opinion that you have helped thousands across the globe, and I can only hope that you will continue on this path. We all need us some lovin’!
Best,
S.
Dear S.,
(How Gossip Girl to call you that!)
Thank you so much for writing. Even though I don’t have a definite answer for you, I have an idea. I think that what is happening to you is probably quite common — a lot of us have been in love with more than one person at a time! — so hopefully we can help some other people, too!
Loving more than one gender can present problems, sometimes from unexpected sources. Even the queer community can be closed-minded. Some people think bisexuals are just straight people experimenting, & others feel that we should all pick one side & stick to it. But I think bisexuality is brilliant. In fact, it’s my favourite flavour of sexuality!
Bisexuality is about loving people for who they are. Nothing could be more beautiful than that!
That being said, I don’t think you should have to choose between them. Maybe that’s just me being an idealist; maybe that’s unrealistic. But then, I don’t think you wrote to me seeking practicality. I think you wrote to me because you want to see some possibilities. You were looking for some lemonade to be made out of all these lemons, so I’m going to pour you a big, tall glass!
You clearly don’t want to choose between these two people. You clearly — as you said! — CANNOT choose between them! When the pros & cons lists don’t work, a different approach needs to be taken.
If all three of you are comfortable being in a love triangle situation, I say, forge onward! Two lovers on two different continents: how magnificent! If nothing else, it guarantees you plenty of travel & kisses in far-flung destinations! But of course, you need to be thoughtful & very open in order to see some modicum of success with this. All relationships are tricky; relationships with an extra heart involved, even moreso. If you haven’t already, pick up a copy of The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures & get readin’!
Of course, some people will say, “Polyamory doesn’t work,” & sometimes, they are right. But by that same token, 60% of marriages — yes, it used to be 50%, but it has gone up! — end in divorce! Very few relationships last forever, but that doesn’t mean you should shut yourself up in a cave & renounce all others! Very few writers become Oscar Wilde — in fact, only one so far has succeeded! — but that doesn’t mean we throw our pencils down in despair. No! It’s not always about the destination. The journey is full of pleasure, too.
Longevity alone does not dictate importance, or even significance. Sometimes our most interesting, challenging, rewarding & revealing friendships are the ones that only lasted 3 months. Two days spent in the countryside can colour every perception thereafter. Our lives can change in an instant, & every day is totally different — so why only play for longevity? Why do everything with an overarching view of the future?
No, no. Far better, then, to live for the moment: to embrace it, in all its richness & fullness. More often than not, you’ll find yourself, & your truth, way out there on the fringes of what society deems acceptable.
The only reason you wrote to me — as far as I can tell — is because you feel that “social norms” don’t allow for this kind of relationship to exist, let alone thrive. But as long as all three of you are happy & satisfied, then who are you hurting? The general public think their opinions matter, but they don’t. What goes on in your bedroom is your business, & you should never feel ashamed about it. Don’t live for an imaginary audience — do what feels right to YOU!
I believe that the more love you give away, the more you HAVE to give away. The simple act of BEING loving expands your capacity to love exponentially! I don’t think there is anything wrong with you being in love with two people at once. Actually, I think it’s fabulous.
Love is awesome,
P.S. Dear reader, have you ever been in love with more than one person at the same time? What did you do? What would your advice be to someone else in this situation? Let us know!
If you enjoyed this article, have a read of some of my other advice articles, like “I’m So Jealous!”: How To Deal With The Green-Eyed Monster When It Threatens To Get The Best Of You! & We’re More Friends Than Lovers… What Can I Do?
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