A Passionless Marriage
[ 14 February 2008 ]
I received this email today.
“I am 27 years old and married. I have been married for four years. He is a lovely man. Kind, considerate, funny, sweet, smart, he has a fantastic career, is hard working. Really, I couldn’t ask for a better husband. But for the last six months, all I can think about is getting out. We haven’t had sex in months and months. I don’t feel attracted to him at all any more, in fact the idea of being with him makes my skin crawl. We barely even kiss. I still love him. He is my best friend, but I am pretty positive that I’m not in love with him. There is no passion. Lately, he has been travelling a lot for work and I’ve been relishing the time to myself because I don’t have to keep up the façade that everything is okay. I don’t miss him at all. And lately, all I can think about is flirting with, kissing and having sex with other men.
“I was so in love when I got married and I really believed I would feel that way forever but now I realise that I was young and naive. I don’t want to be a divorcee in my 20s. I feel like so many people will be let down if this doesn’t work out. And the worst part is that the thought of breaking his heart crushes me. In some ways I would rather stay with him forever than break up with him and hurt him.”
The first & most important thing is that you stop worrying about other people’s perceptions of you. They are an illusion. No one ever really knows what people think about them, so you will doing yourself a huge favour if you can let that stuff go. (EFT is great for this.) Think about the people you admire, whoever they might be: Madonna, Prince, Donald Trump, Anna Wintour. None of these people are perfect, but do you honestly think they spend time worrying about what the public thinks about them? No. People who allow their fears about other people to control the way they live their life are destined for misery. It’s that whole “What would the neighbours think?!” mindset but on a huge, life-destroying scale. Let it go.
When it comes to your husband… well… sometimes we have to hurt people to help them. Be honest with yourself: do you think, if he knew your true feelings, that he would actually want to be tethered to a woman who only stays with him out of pity or fear? How about if the situation was reversed? What would you want him to do? Remember that your life is yours alone — you are the creator & destroyer, & you wield absolute power. You can make your life a dream or a nightmare — it all hinges on your actions & beliefs.
What you’re going through with your husband is more complicated than you & I can get into here. There are a few things I can suggest, however.
Recognise the “honeymoon period” for what it is
At the start of all relationships, there is a dizzying high. A lot of people liken falling in love to being in the grips of a frantic drug addiction. Your lover is all you can think about, you get enraged if anyone else interferes, & you spend what seems like a lifetime counting down the days until you can get your fix of them. Eventually though, this wears off. That doesn’t mean you’re not in love any more, just that it’s not the absolute centre of your universe. That’s normal. The thing is, some people expect that being in a relationship means that you’re floating on a cloud, blissed out, all day, every day. It’s not like that! Once you get past the ecstasy of new love, it can be pretty mundane at times! You learn about people’s flaws & reality starts to sink in. You learn to love one another despite all that stuff, & the bond you build strengthens your relationship immeasurably. The point is: relationships aren’t always exciting. They aren’t always earth-shaking. & they don’t have to be in order to be “good”.
Think about the situation
What happened that spelled the end of your passion? Your immediate thought might be “I don’t know”, but if you ask yourself the question & allow it to gestate in your brain for a little bit, you’ll probably have a flash of inspiration in a day or so, & you’ll know.
It’s possible that you’ve just lost your mutual spark, but it’s also quite likely that there is something more going on. Maybe he did something that reminded you of someone who hurt you, & you shut down to protect yourself. Perhaps his actions irritate or enrage you. Maybe you lust after a deeper intellectual connection. Perhaps the two of you just aren’t compatible — all of these things are possible, but you really need to get down to the root of the problem. Otherwise, even if you leave him & find someone else, it’s likely that you’ll see the same thing happen further down the track.
Where do you do your best thinking? While walking, in the bath, on the bus? Put yourself in that situation & really nut out the problem. The big question is: do you actually want to patch things up with your husband, or do you really & truly want out? Your answer to that problem will determine your best course of action. If you want to work things out with him, try doing the rest of the things mentioned in this article. If you want to get out, then be honest with him & split. There is no point in drawing it out. If not now, when? (Et cetera.)
Talk to him
If people truly knew how to communicate their needs to one another, there would be far fewer relationship breakdowns. The reason things are all turgid & ugly at the moment is because you’re not talking to each other — not explaining yourselves in a way the other person can understand. You really need to start communicating with him. If you haven’t had sex in months, it’s pretty likely he has some thoughts on that! Find out what they are. You might find that he feels the same way about you — or that he is hurt & feels rejected. Talking over those things is a major step in the right direction, & at least he will know that you want to remedy the situation.
Consider seeing a therapist
If you can’t work out why you’re feeling like this, sometimes it is really useful to talk to an objective professional. The good ones know how to ask the right questions & help you realise what’s actually going on. You might want to take your husband along, but you don’t have to.
Use EFT
I know that I say people should use EFT for everything but that’s because it’s the best problem-solver (okay, it’s actually more of a problem eraser) I’ve ever come across. Tap on the fact that you don’t want to sleep with your husband. Tap on the fact that you don’t feel any passion. Tap on him making your skin crawl. Tap on your desire to find passion elsewhere. & most importantly, tell yourself that you forgive & love yourself regardless. You might find that just doing this brings your passion & desire back.
Don’t do anything rash
Going out & sleeping with someone else is never the answer! I promise. Sleeping with someone new will confuse you & make reconciliation between you & your husband a lot more difficult. Even the best sex in the world isn’t worth the way it will make you feel afterwards — sex lasts a while but guilt lasts a lot longer.
You might also want to think about why you want to have sex with someone else so badly. Do you crave intimacy? Do you feel like you need validation from these men? Does having sex make you feel powerful or boost your ego? Or is it just an urge? Use your brain & be honest with yourself. If you can work out the real reason why you want other men, you might have the key to your problems right there.
Seriously, it sounds like your husband is amazing, & if you guys aren’t having sex & he isn’t angry, resentful or sleeping with someone else, he is worth his weight in gold. A keeper, as they say. Worth hanging on to. Get my drift?
It’s your life & you can live it how you want to. But you need to take some kind of action. Life is too wonderful to stay with someone you’re not amazed by — & love is too precious to be thrown away thoughtlessly.
Good luck!
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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I love the royal tenebuams one of the best movies!!
wow Gala, I would love you as a close friend. You know what, I absolutely agree with all you wrote.
I completely agree. Well done Gala. Great advice!
Great post, although i hope it will never apply to me. I love the fact that you used Margot to illustrate your point, because i love love that movie!
This is great advice. As individuals, and in partnerships, we are able to reinvent ourselves. We are able to choose how we respond to events. Just because things are difficult now, doesn’t mean they have to be, or that the marriage is over. A partnership is a commitment, a choice to make your life with that person. Unless he is behaving completely outrageously (addicted to drugs, sleeping around, hitting you), live up to your promises and do your best to open up the channels of communication and recreate your lives and love.
The very best of luck to you, I know that this kind of emotional ‘maintenance-work’ can be very intimidating and harrowing! But so worth it, in my experience.
not gonna lie, gala, you really rock my life sometimes.
seriously, I’m on the loving Gala bandwagon too.
This advice is superb!
I hate to say it but I’ve been feeling the same way a bit and this was the perfect kick in the right direction!
Thank you.
I am 27 and I have been married twice. I am happily in the second year of my second marriage.
I lost trust in my first marriage. There are a lot of things that went wrong, that communication could not fix, we communicated and communicated and I discovered that I had married someone I could not trust. Its not that he cheated, though he had emotional relationships that bordered on cheating, but it was that he couldn’t be counted on for many things, no matter how much we talked about it.
In my second marriage, we have many of the things I did not have in the first, of course we communicate, a lot, and we have had our fair share of problems. However, I can trust him. And that is paramount.
I think Gala is right, you need to weed out exactly when love was lost, even the list of little things that added up (if it wasn’t one thing) and where in that list was the breaking point? Using a method like EFT, Therapy, or Mediatation to come to peace with the events enough to let go of the pain tied to them will let you look at them in perspective.
Was it just that he reminded you of someone that hurt you? Is it that you did something that makes you feel he should trust you? Is it something he didn’t do? Did you want him to feel a certain way about something and he didn’t? Do you resent his travelling for business? Knowing what it is, and whether it is rational or not will help you a lot. And coming to terms with it, communicating with yourself first! Will help immensely when it is time to communicate to your husband.
Good luck!
Don’t pretend everything is perky & peachy. Say something as soon as you feel lost or feel like something is wrong. In every complicated situation of the human relation, making sence of it all takes a whole lot of concentration.
Wow gala anouther amazing advice post! Although it doesnt help me, it sounds like the perfect advice for anyone in that situation and i really hope it helps! much love to you all! xxxxx
good advice gala, really! I only want to add my 2 cents, even though i’ve never been married so I barely know how it must feel to go through all this: if you say you love him (even as your best friend), you owe him honesty, and all the best efforts you can make to live up to the promises you exchanged. this doesn’t mean you have to put up the happy face and pretend everything’s ok, quite the contrary! tell him ‘we have a problem’, ‘why are we not having sex anymore?’, just don’t limit yourself to thinking things through on your own….even if you will eventually choose to leave him, at least he’ll know he had the chance to work on the problem with you, and that you both tried to do everything possible to make it work out. don’t cut him out, don’t take the decision on your own predicting what he would say if you told him how you felt…you never know untill you talk to him. maybe he’s feeling the same things! and above all, gala is so right, don’t ever worry about what ‘others’ think, please!it’s the best piece of advice, it’s only about him and you, and by being influenced by what ‘strangers’ think you are doing wrong to your relationship. good luck:)
Really, communication is needed here, even if it’s painful. What if you discovered your husband feels the same about you (best friend, but not in love anymore, playing his part because he doesn’t want to hurt you)? Better finding out now than in several years – because you WILL find out eventually.
This is off-topic rambling plz don’t hate me :s
I LOVE your new header & I LOVE the way the comments look now!!! IS pretty!
First of all: good luck. You’re facing such a scary and challenging time in your life.
I am 24 and met my ex when I was 18. I fell in love, things were great etc etc. But I grew up, I changed, my character developed. After 3 and 1/2 years, I realised I wasn’t in love anymore. It took me another year to work up the courage to talk to him about it. It was awful.
Your situation sounds so similar. I ended up breaking up with this person. I’m not saying that’s the right thing for you to do. I suppose I just wanted to let you know that it happens to a lot of us. Feeling responsible for another person’s emotional well being is common. It’s also a con. Yes you want to protect him because you love him, but the only person you’re responsible for is you.
When you are young and you get into a relationship that evolves into something serious, you often don’t find yourself being practical or realistic about it. Chances are, most of the relationships you have in your life wont last forever. Try to do the right thing by you and him, but don’t poison yourself with guilt about hurting him. I’m still carrying the guilt around from this break up and it’s toxic.
Good luck.
Gala, the new look is really coming together. I love it.
Another thought: I’m so glad you are so good at helping others! And I love the advice you gave her. You could have taken it a number of ways, but you took the route with hope.
thank you once again Gala for an incredible post.
i’m going through something very similar. even though i’m not married, my bf and i bought a house together. i’m not sure what we were thinking, or if we were even thinking at all…but it was a mistake. our relationship was strained as it was before all the home renovations started.
we were living separately for months (up until about 4 weeks ago actually), waiting for the house to be completed. during those 5 or so months…i didn’t miss him. i mean, we saw each other on the weekends, but during the week i was perfectly fine alone. now that we’re back in the same house…it’s all wrong.
i’ve been trying to “leave” for months now actually…but the house is something that we can’t just give away. we dumped all of our money into this “project” that needs to be completed (and with the housing market the way it is…has to be held onto for a bit before we’ll turn even a little profit).
so we’ve talked and talked and talked. he’s tried to make me happy…but i’m just not. i love him with all of my heart, but i know i’m not “in love” any longer. he too is my best friend, so the only thing that i can do is to move my things into my office and we’ll live as roommates. that will be done this weekend.
it’s hard to let go, and give up…because i feel like a failure. he really is an amazing person, and i want to stay friends, but that’s all we are. friends who currently share a bed. i feel guilty for hurting him, but i would feel more guilty for staying and knowing in my heart that i’m not actually committed to our life together.
sorry to rant and take up so much space, but this article of yours really hit a nerve considering my circumstances…and i just needed to tell someone…
I think this is a wonderful post, I am not married but might as well be and we went through something similar but great advice…also I really liked your old header much more I think it had more personality-
Dex
you need to be honest with yourself – if the idea of being with him makes your skin crawl then you don’t love him! if you haven’t confided any of these feelings you’re having with him, the you are not best friends.
i think it’s hard to let people go that we see as being a catch, but so what if he’s great to others if he doesn’t do it for you? another big problem is committing to someone else before you’ve had time to realize what it is in life and in you that makes you happy. we are so scared of being alone, and i’m not sure why. being alone is so much better that being lonely next to someone. i bought a house with my boyfriend at 21, divorced him at 25 after we were married for 10 months. yeah it’s scary and challenging (especially when i’d been pretending everything was fine and my family friends couldn’t believe i was leaving such a “nice guy”), but it’s also liberating and exciting to know that i make my life decisions based on me, not on what people think. it was much harder financially, but so what? life was limitless possibility at that point. i felt so happy knowing i wasn’t stuck forever building a life with someone i didn’t even like anymore.
also, you “don’t want to be a divorcee in my 20s?” you’d rather wait and be a divorcess in your 30s, 40s, 50s? or worse, live decades of your life feeling unfulfilled and unhappy? better think about that one too. you don’t need permission to do the things you know are right for you. at first i looked at divorce as a failure – but, actually, fixing a mistake you’ve made is a huge accomplishment.
my ex by the way probably would have never left me and hated me for what i did. now, two years later, he’s remarried (happily, i assume) and expecting a child. i’m also remarried to a man so perfect (for me – which is the key) i didn’t dream it was possible until i met him. if i hadn’t left, we’d both still be misreably, sex-lessly married to each other.
I’ve been there – been married twice. I’ve also had a couple of long term relationships between the marriages. What you have written, Gala, is so true.
Something that struck me when reading this article is this: if you’re TRULY best friends, then you should be able to talk about or discuss ANYTHING. Putting the marriage aside and looking at your husband as a friend only should mean that you can discuss this and know that there is sufficient love between you (in a friendship sense) that enables you to be open with one another.
From experience, you cannot let this situation continue forever. Like Amber, sometimes the friendship is so strong that it enables you to stay together: as friends. I managed this with one of my long-term relationships, and today he is still one my most loved friends and spends heaps of time with my husband and I. It can happen.
The other thing is to spend some time alone if you do split with your husband – either staying in the same home together or otherwise – without getting involved with anyone else. You need to really get in touch with yourself as to who you are, what you want in life. Avoid entering another intense relationship too soon.
Be brave, have courage and make sure that you are above all honest. Honesty is definitely the best policy in all relationships and the sooner it’s out there, the better. The longer you hide it, the harder it will be to be honest.
Kia kaha (Stand tall, be strong)
Well this is a touchy subject isn’t it?
It’s almost like the “rut” period of the relationship/marriage.
Where you make civil polite conversation with each other-when you can or bother to.The rest of the time is spent either avoiding each other or tip-toeing around the other so as not to upset or hurt their feelings.One wrong raised eye brow in the “rut” period could bring an entire afternoon crashing down, with a nervous,anxious confused (and going slightly crazy) girlfriend jumping to one conclusion to the next as of what that one raised eye brow meant. ‘Did he sleep with a co worker before or after his shift at work today?’,to ‘Did he even go to work today?’ you both avoid eye contact while fuming your frustrations to yourselves instead of sitting down and looking each other in the eyes and talking about what really is nagging the both of you in the back of your minds.You blame yourself for the way you get treated so keep telling yourself negative thoughts-you go from attacking every detail of your relationship to every detail about you, the way you act and look. Forgetting about the way you feel until after the self destructive thoughts.Then you feel sadder then you did when you came home without asking for a kiss.Again.
You have heard the bottled up theory right? If you dont let some of those “bad” thoughts out sooner or later you and your head are going to go SNAP CRACKLE POP! And your neighbours will be telling their neighbours about the yelling the following morning. And dont just be mad at the other for not being able to read your mind or every facial expression you have! Guys are known for having a one tracked mind so they are probably clueless about oh i’d say a gazillion things that are either driving you up the wall or tearing you apart.He’s probably still telling himself off for eating the last piece of pizza without asking if you would like a bite.A week ago. And remember to not play the blame game and throw hurtful words or past tense back and forth because thats only digging the both of you deeper. Positive thinking, a little bit of “i think i can” and maybe even a walk down memoey lane with your boy could help.Maybe even try to retrace your steps as to how you got to where you are now.Start to finish or back to front!Ask him how well he remembers the first day you met. Whichever brings back what you know is still there-if you want it to be. Don’t try to push away the good feelings cos your trying to dwell on the bad to what…destroy the relationship? If you are only thinking of the negatives and not even trying to consider the positives then maybe you really are over the relationship.But our minds can play tricks on us. And tell us we want what we really dont. Think twice about the things-and people you love. Treat them well, with respect and give them your full 100%. Sometimes even when the other end can’t be bothered.
Because deep down you know you once were crazy about each other, and that you made that lovely madness out of nothing. It was your entire creation. So with a little bit of hope and faith, and love that you know you do both feel for each other then some sparks could possibly come flying back into your life. I say life because that is what you do when you are in a serious relationship-you share your life together. as one.
OH! i LOVE the new picture on the header ! fabulous….sorry this doesn’t have anything to do with the new article.. :D sheepish
You guys are brilliant. I love hearing your perspectives. I think this is actually a pretty common problem — so the more perspectives the better!
just chiming in to say that the comments section looks fantastic! :D
It is actually harder to stay together than split apart. Marriage/relationships really need work and I think a lot of people don’t get that – you have to constantly talk, set goals, grow together, learn together and be open with other. Step up to this marriage and talk to your husband tell him “i’m feeling a bit miserable and we need to do something about it”. Go to marriage therapy together and really throw yourself into fixing it.
There is something more to this sex thing I should imagine and you need to have a think about that – for example, has he changed physically in a way you don’t like – work on that because sex is such an important part of marriage.
Do everything you can to fix the marriage and then if it doesn’t work you can walk away with a clear conscience.
Sorry but I just wanted to add, that though this is an awful and painful part of your life it is also possibly the beginning of the most wonderful part of your life. You have a chance to really change things to how you want them and work out what is right for you. Good Luck
Wow Gala, your post and the other comments I have read are amazing (JoJo, yours struck a huge chord with me!!).
I have been through so many times of feeling like this with my boyfriend (of 8 years now!). The last time became serious and I left him and moved out for 4 months. He is older than me and I met him when I was 17. Now I am 25 and we have changed and grown together something incredible! Moving out was necessary as I felt I needed to ‘find myself’ – yes it is a hippy/flakey term I know, but it was exactly what I needed at the time. And it worked!! It made us both realise just what it was that connected us and made us so open and honest with each other. We have now been back living together for just over a year and it has had its ups and downs, which are totally normal! But on the whole it has been the best experience of my life, our life :)
As everyone has mentioned, if you feel it is something you want to work for (and this can take some time to figure out in itself!) then try all you can. All you can do is what you feel you need to do, but please, please make sure you talk to your husband about everything. That is probably one of the biggest problems I had in the past, it causes so much unnecessary pain when you and your partner are not on the same wave-length as each other.
Good luck for whatever decision you make. Be strong xx
I too have been through the same thing.
I was with my ex for almost 12 years; from when I was just 23 til I was 35, never married and no kids. By the time I made the decision to consider leaving we had been living basically like roommates, sleeping together in the same bed but the intimacy was just not there.
We did talk about things, but the situation never did change like I had hoped. He’s a great guy in many other ways and it’s a shame it didn’t work out.
My advice is to not wait to really figure out what you want to do like I did. A lot of anguish and wasted years I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
There is one factor that no one has mentioned yet that I think is important. Libido problems can have physical causes!
I lost my passion for my man of 5 years and I hated it. I couldn’t work out how I could love him so much, yet not want him to touch me. So I went to the doctor. She said the best place to start is to try another contraceptive pill, as it can destroy your libido. I was sceptical as I had been taking the same pill for 9 years and never had libido problems before. However, I gave it a go, I switched to a pill called Yasmin and guess what… IT WORKED!!! Now we are at it like rabbits, the way it was when we first got together, and it has rekindled our love for one another.
So please explore this yourself if you are on the pill, because it could do the same for you. Keep in mind that the pill effects women in different ways, and the pill that fixes my libido may destroy yours, but another one may fix yours. So take your doctors advice and don’t give up. xox
Interesting article, but I disagree on a lot of different points.
“Seriously, it sounds like your husband is amazing, & if you guys aren’t having sex & he isn’t angry, resentful or sleeping with someone else, he is worth his weight in gold. A keeper, as they say. Worth hanging on to. Get my drift?”
I don’t think that sounds like a keeper at all! In fact, that is one of the furthest descriptions from an attractive man that I can imagine. This man sounds like he either has a low sex drive and doesn’t have any sexual desire anymore (unacceptable for me) or that he is so passive that he can’t bring himself to assert his desires or to talk about any problems we might be facing (equally unacceptable for me).
First of all, I have to say that I believe the only point of marriage for me would be so that if I had a child he/she would have a stable family unit. I don’t need a certificate to tell me that I love someone or with to be with them. I know a lot of people don’t feel like that, but that said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with divorce until you have a child together. In fact, a couple who is experiencing something like this BEFORE having a child SHOULD get divorced before they bring a baby into the world together and proceed to fight about it.
Another thing I believe (that a lot of people have problems with) is that if a marriage is sexless because one partner is withholding sex, I would expect the other partner to find someone else. I don’t even consider it “cheating” because of the negative connotation of that word. Withholding sex is cheating, too, in the sense that you are not being supportive and loving to your partner. Sex is basic.
I think that before a person gets married, they should make a list of dealbreakers. They should make a list of the top priority reasons why they are attracted to the other person and the other person must promise to keep those things up. I think I am rambling, but for instance, if I married someone and two years into the marriage they started to eat fast food and get fat, I would probably talk about it with them until they made a decision to change that unhealthy new pattern. If they couldn’t, I would leave them. Dealbreakers for me would include starting smoking, getting fat, becoming religious, withholding sex, being lazy or dirty. Because I would have married that person BECAUSE they were healthy, clean and intelligent. Maybe I am harsh or maybe I just don’t care about marriage. What do you think?
I believe in the beauty of monogamy but for me, I don’t think that being with one person for life is at all realistic or even interesting. Maybe I just haven’t found the right person?
I think this is one of my favourite posts so far. Not the fact that someone is in that horrid situation, but just because since reading it I have been able to use some of the tips to help me and my boyfriend.
I plan on spending the rest of my life with him, but recently we’ve been arguing constantly! Talking about things has helped (as have lush bath bombs!) as has just writing out everything that I have been finding an issue. I’ve explained things to him and been reasonable, this was the best thing for us.
I hope that everything works out for you, and for anyone else having issues. It’s stressful and awful when things start to go wrong.
Sunshine and Sparkles
xxxx
julie — I actually agree with you on a lot of those points. I am not a big fan of marriage & I don’t see myself ever doing it; I have never really seen the point & I don’t think it’s realistic to assert that I am only going to be with one person for the rest of my life.
I understand the ‘dealbreaker’ thing but I think life is more complicated than that. For example, if someone you’re married to loses their libido or whatever, having compassion for them & trying to help them is far more useful than just saying “See ya!”. Marriage is a commitment, & while I don’t think it’s for me, a commitment is a commitment. Plus, there is always a reason why people change their behaviour & it’s very important to get to the bottom of it.
The woman who wrote to me, I believe, hasn’t just stopped having sex for the hell of it. I would put money on the fact that something has happened between the two of them that has triggered an emotional response in her, & that’s why she’s acting that way. She doesn’t sound like she’s being spiteful or withholding — she sounds puzzled. So it all seems like it’s on a pretty subconscious level to me.
“Sex is basic”, yes. But people’s feelings about it, motivations for doing it, & fears surrounding it are not. There is so much to it. Maybe she’s not sleeping with him because she has been abused in the past & she’s only just realised it. Having compassion for someone who is going through something traumatic or difficult regarding sex is what I would expect from a long-term partner :>
To Julie:
I think thats awful with the ‘dealbreaker’ list. I’ve been married with my husband for almost 2 years now and when we first started dating, I was a slim 110 pounds. But throughout my time being with him then getting married I’ve gained a bit of weight. 40 pounds in weight to be exact and were my husband suddenly decide he didn’t want to be with me because of my looks, I would feel so angry and sad. I didn’t marry a shallow man who would so easily throw away a marriage because of my looks. I married a man who would love me through thick and thin. Had I had a sudden change in attitude and became something he just didn’t click with, then we probably shouldn’t be together. Looks can only go so far and if you’re with someone more so for his looks than his personality, then your marriage won’t get far at all. I would never consider making some sort of ‘list’ and sitting on a table with him and talking to him about it.
The only times I would consider my marriage irreconcilable would be if he cheated on me, started being violent, have a huge personality change, or if the passion dies. Marriage is work and if you notice feelings changing bring it up. Don’t freaking hide it until its too late and you can’t do anything to change it.
I always like to say that in any relationship (friendship, romantic relationship, business relationship, whatever. In fact, I guess, any time one deals with others) it’s often much more important to understand the “Why?” behind actions than just look at the actions/events on their face value. Both the why in what other people do and the why behind what you do/feel yourself.
I’ve got to say, like Rem, I found your comments Julie to be very harsh as well (!). But at least kudos for being honest, because many people have similar standards I think, they just don’t really admit to them.
I guess everyone has the right to decide why they start/end a relationship with someone else (rightly or wrongly. For instance, I wouldn’t date someone if they gave me a list like yours, not because I plan on gaining 100 kilograms, becoming a born-again Christian and taking a vow of celibacy, but because I would prefer to be with someone who sounds a little less scary. But then I’m a terribly passive person, so I guess we were never destined to be.) I think the important thing with the list you mentioned is that people sometimes can’t help gaining weight or becoming sick or losing their desire to have sex. And again, it’s the why behind things that really matter. And I think a good relationship is often about working out what all the why’s are and only then deciding what to do.
I am loving the new style as well, a little bit of freshness and vibrancy :D I am 22 and engaged, arguments come and go, but as long as you both talk about it and learn from it, it isnt such a bad thing to argue once in a while ;)
Gala’s advice is spot on. Change is inevitable, but how you choose to deal with that change is entirely in your control. I disagree with the commenter who says the only person you have a responsibility to is yourself. That’s not really true for any caring person, and especially not true in a marriage, which is pretty much a formal commitment to take care of each other emotionally and physically, and share many of the major responsibilities in life.
Sorry that what I wrote seemed harsh. I guess that just shows what I think about marriage… I don’t even really want to be with one person for my whole life and I expect my priorities to change as I change and the main relationship in my life to change accordingly. I would actually like it if the one I love told me his priorities and what he finds most attractive/unattractive in a partner. It would help me a lot, I think. For example, I know I am disorganized, play the same songs over and over on repeat, love to sleep in very late, spend too much money on books and travel and restaurants, etc etc etc and if he could not stand any of those traits, I would know that he would get annoyed with me and I’d want to know that before we got married because I wouldn’t want him to be disappointed. Rem said that she would likely leave a partner who cheated. (I wouldn’t necessarily do that) That is her dealbreaker and everyone has different things they like and dislike. Even if you don’t make a list, I know all of you have a list if sorts in your mind. I am really sorry if I inadvertently offended anyone!!
Gala, I agree that the reasons behind these things are more complicated than my simple answer and that the reasons are unique to each couple. This was a totally interesting article! I wouldn’t have written such a long answer if you hadn’t thoroughly engaged me.
What I meant is that gaining weight isn’t a big deal as cheating. If you gain weight, you can always lose the weight, but if you cheat, you’d most likely never get person’s trust back. And to me, trust is one of the most important things with my spouse. Basically to me, only serious stuff should be dealbreakers. Not something like weight that you can easily get rid of. Because people shouldn’t shrug off marriage so easily.
This was brilliant advice.
Wow…it’s comforting to see how many other people are in similar situations to me…I thought I was alone in being in a dying relationship with my best & closest friend in the universe. I’m confused, because I love him dearly and would do anything for the sake of his happiness, but…the sexual attraction just isn’t there for me anymore. I feel closer to him than anyone else in the world, but sex makes me feel almost disgusted now…I don’t know how this happened. What is the difference between platonic and romantic love anyway? I don’t understand how you can have amazing sex with someone whose personality is the complete opposite of your own and who doesn’t love you at all, and yet the person who you can rely on to love you beyond all else and who knows you better than anyone is the person you least want to maintain sexual intimacy with…
!????