Carpe Diem!
[ 3 August 2007 ]
“I’ve been dating a great guy for almost a year now. I adore him and we get along famously. I find that I’m getting too attached to my beau: relying on him to do things on the weekend, during my times off, pretty much relying on him whenever I’m out of the office. You see, I’ve lived in the Middle East for 6 years and got back in my native land of Canada 4 years ago. Once I got here, I hung out (once again) with the wrong crowd, got myself in old disgusting habits and finally got myself back on track by studying something I was passionate about (graphic design!) By doing so, I’ve cut down on social activities and for the past 2 years, I can’t say I’ve done much to show for myself. All the friends I’ve had since (to name a few) have either left the country or I’ve cut them out of my life (mainly all for the same reason that they like whining and never taking advice when they ask… which I absolutely hate. Plus just hearing them talk made me extremely miserable) So I’ve been marinating in my own solitude and was very depressed up until I finally got a job and met my boyfriend. He’s great, I enjoy the times I spend with him and I enjoy the company of his friends but I’m afraid I’m relying too much on him. I do not want to be the girl who needs a man to make her complete. I don’t have a great network of friends (I do but they’ve just scattered around the globe!) and I have no idea how to keep myself occupied. I work in an office and sit in front of a computer for 40 hours a week only to come home after work and pretty much do the same thing. I’ve been trying to design my own website to expose my portfolio but I’m not motivated enough or have too many ideas to settle with. I’d love to go out with friends, be adventurous once again, but as of now if my boyfriend isn’t available I go out every so often with my brother, trying to catch comedy shows, going to the museum, etc. All in all, my question is “How can I keep myself occupied nowadays and make friends?” Work would sound like the perfect place to meet people but unfortunately, I’m surrounded by family men & women and there’s hardly anyone who would practice what I do of my lifestyle. I want to live life to the fullest, it’s my recent motto in life “Carpe Diem”... I really want to do something about it :)”
Your life can be anything you want it to be, you just have to point it in the right direction! Here’s what I would do in your situation.
I am a Virgo, & I love to make lists, so I suggest that you make a big, long list of things that you like, or things that you enjoy doing. Start writing it on a piece of paper & then carry it with you for the next week or so. Write down everything you can think of, no matter how stupid it is. Then, when you can’t possibly think of anything else, look it over & let your brain tick over the possible ways in which you could bring these things into your life in the present.
For example, if you like looking at the stars, you could make an effort to do that every night — or you could take an astronomy course, or visit your local observatory & learn more that way. If you like clothes & dressing up, you could start a blog or a zine, try designing your own clothes, or even approach local magazines & ask if you can get some experience as a stylist’s assistant.
Doing this kind of thing kills two birds with one stone — it will give you things to do as well as introducing you to a whole host of new people who probably are into the same things as you. Do your best to be open & friendly & it will be easy! (If you want more tips on making friends, see my article Popularity.)
Other than that, I think the reason you’re having trouble with putting a website together for your portfolio is that you don’t have a clear goal in mind. That makes it hard to do anything! Work out what you want to do, break it down into small, manageable chunks, go forth & conquer!
Good luck!
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala 
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You could also make a few goals on www.43things.com to get you started. Try a new hobby, venture outside your comfort zones, go drink tea in a different cafe… :)
Good luck!
im totally with the doing stuff.
after watching one too many episodes of dancelife, i joined a dance class, it was cheap ($10 a lesson) got me out of the house. it was the most fun thing ever.
i can’t dance to save myself, i look like i might have eaten a ballerina once, but i spent the evening laughing and dancing away the night with others in the same boat. it was great!
i have also done circus skills classes and now im doing a design course. going to these things are a totally awesome way of meeting people, and doing something fun.
Gala – I absolutely agree with you, making a list is really important to help get things done, and just the very act of sitting down to ‘brainstorm’ can give you inspiration!
Also, setting small manageable goals is key for kick starting motivation, I always try to advise my readers and clients to do this.
Great advice!
awesome, awesome advice as usual!!! :) I’ve really had to edit my social circle recently, due to some destructive influences and I’ve been a little lonely (besides my lovely boyfriend, but he lives far away…). so I’m taking your advice to heart and starting to work on surrounding myself with positive people and getting out there and starting to find some new friends!! :) thanks, gala! :D
My only offering is:
Enjoy your own company, and don’t be afraid to do things by yourself! Often, you’ll meet more new people that way.
I used to feel like I had to go see a movie with someone else, or I needed to find a gym-buddy, for example, and when all my friends were busy, or just didn’t want to do what I wanted to do, I used to stay home, with the excuse “I couldn’t find anyone to go with”.
Now I’ve started doing the things that I want to do, and if noone wants to go with me, then dammit, I’ll go by myself – and I still have a great time!
People are more likely to talk to you when you’re by yourself, and you’ll make friends easier at the gym/dance class/art class/wherever easier too.
I’m a 26 year old designer working a corporate advertising job producing press ads and marketing collateral. When I was first starting out, I had so little motivation to put a portfolio together and after submitting text document upon boring text document I realised that if I wanted to sell my skills to prospective employers, then I’d best let my creative talents do the talking for me! (I’ve found employers really dig a lighthearted approach when it comes to portfolios… fortunately for us designers, we can get away with kooky presentation as that’s what the average joe expects of us!)
Remembering that above all, you’re hired for your talent and what exactly you can coax from a blank canvas or basic idea – so get creative! Start working for you and let your imagination talk a frivolous walk of its own. I work 40+ hours a week and admittedly still find it hard to fit in creative projects for myself, but the trick is to look at everything in a slightly off-kilter way – never take anything for face value… sometimes the most simple ideas can evolve into magnificent beasties if you let them! Inspiration can be found anywhere you look and sometimes in the most unexpected of places.
Don’t worry about friends too much at this stage – you have to be comfortable in your own skin first and as life goes on you start to realise that you are your one true friend that can always be counted on. Who knows you better than you?!
I agree with Gala about the lists. I am compulsive list making Leo!
Even better, and much more fun, is getting a huge bit of paper, some coloured pens and mind mapping/brainstorming your heart out.
In my ‘creative space’ I am surrounded by bits of paper and images that I have written on and drawn or cut out of mags. If I ever feel lost in any way, creatively or emotionally, I just sit and look at them! Always cheers me up or distracts me.
I have also discovered that getting a puppy and hanging out at cafes with her is a great way to meet new people. The puppy is such an icebreaker and only the coolest, friendliest folk want to talk to you. Keep in mind that a puppy is a heeeeyoooooge responsibilty, that several of your most treasured items may end up in pieces on the floor and your hands will end up with a criss cross of tiny scratches and bitemarks.
I can relate to your situation (dear advice seeking writer) because I went thru a very similar one (even as similar as living in the MIddle East for 6 years too and having to to shift back “home”!)
It’s a shite hurdle to go through, but embracing it’s good qualities will hopefully make you feel more you again. I’d suggest start following ideas or things you’ve always wanted to do but never got round to, or was never “allowed” etc. For example, I’ve taken up sewing and photography pretty rapidly to make me feel creative, and went back to school to occupy my time. As much as you do need friends and social contact, I would be inclined (just based on cynical personal experience) to say that it’s better to have a small group of close, great friends than a large group of good friends or associates. ANd I’ve come to notice that people are more attracted to you when you radiate happiness. Maybe not right now, but in a couple of months you’ll become a friends magnet :)
That’s probably some bad “advice” I gave but I when I read the question I knew exactly what you were going thru and wanted to say you’re not alone more than anything:) I hope it all becomes more rosey eventually.
She certainly sounds a lot like me. I’m also an artist, and work never really stops for me. I have very few friends I could call my own, and I virtually rely on my boyfriend for everything. I think what she also needs to cultivate is finding happiness in being alone. It doesn’t matter if you have few friends as long as they’re the right ones. As for living life to the fullest, try living life to the fullest each day whether you’re just working or doing something really exciting. Find joy in everything you do in every moment. This is, at least what I try to tell myself everyday. :)
Very good advice as per usual =o)
There isn’t really a great deal I can add to the advice left by others but what I can offer are my best wishes and I hope you can carpe diem more often!!! Good luck and take that blind leap of faith… remember even angels fall sometimes. xoxo
Re the social network thing: After moving cities a bunch of times, I think I’ve started to get the hang of rebuilding socially…
Meeting new people involves a whole lot of going to parties, taking classes or activities that interest you, sharing a house rather than renting alone, maybe even changing jobs.
Sounds obvious, but you also need to maintain new (& existing) relationships… Make time to meet up! Or at least pick up the phone, send emails, post comments. Focus especially on the people who energize and inspire you.
Yeah, it’s all a whole lot of time and effort, but I really believe expanding socially is essential to being happy in a new place (geographically or mentally!)
Wow! Thanks a lot for the reply, Gala! I couldn’t ask for better advice. It makes me feel a whole lot better (as well as the advice from fellow readers!) I’ve started a list and next week I’m planning on going bungee jumping as a start of new things to do :) Thanks a bunch!
Romy — Good call! I know a lot of people love 43things, though I’ve never really gotten into it myself. I am too ambitious to want to broadcast my intentions online, haha! It would be too embarrassing!
sarah — Yes, absolutely, just doing things is a great way to meet people. I went to a pilates lesson today (one of those ones where you use a terrifying-looking machine) & the girls in the class were so friendly, we ended up talking as we walked down the street! It’s really so easy, I think a lot of us just build up friend-making-fear in our heads until we are rendered utterly incapable of meeting anyone!
Melanie — Small chunks for sure! When people set goals which are too enormous without breaking them down, failure is almost inevitable. I love your website, by the way!
Casey — Good for you, baby! The world is full of amazing people who would love to hang out with you, so never fear, they’re out there…
Ritalin — So true. It’s a bit scary if you’re alone & approaching two people, it’s always much easier to approach another person who is alone like you! I read something about networking which said you should always go for the other person standing alone. They’ll always be grateful! (I love going to the movies alone, by the way. It’s the best!)
Pants — Thank you so much for this advice! It’s great to hear inside info from someone in the same industry, so I’m sure the original letter writer will be stoked to read what you’ve written!
Denya — I once watched a show about dating in L.A. where a guy had a puppy & would take it to a park every day. He COLLECTED phone numbers, apparently having a cute dog is a major girl magnet, haha. It would work on me! I am dog crazy!
Caroline — Fabulous advice. Fabulous! If you can be happy on your own, you can be happy anywhere.
india — Yeah, building a new social network is quite a huge task. I’ve almost lived in Melbourne for a year now (omg) & I don’t have a “network”... I have a few friends here & there but not a network! Maybe I should throw a party to bring them all together, haha. Great advice though, thank you!
Kitty — Oh my god, bungee jumping! That’s amazing, good for you! xxx
I think a lot of times we fall into the trap of having high expectations of our friendships. I know that personally I’ve had a hard time adjusting to adult life. Where the friendships just aren’t like they are when you are a kid or in school. Being joint at the hip 24/7 like I was with my college friends just isn’t practical when you have families (i don’t but almost everyone I do does) and full time jobs, and volonteer comitments. Just because you don’t spend a lot of time together doesn’t mean people don’t like you. I’m slowly figuring that out (and blessed recently with a dear soul i knew a long time ago moving into the area and having someone to do things with again for now it has been definately great for my friendship confidence). I think as long as you are open to different levels of friendship and don’t expect everything to instantly be close, and are okay chilling with aquaintances or casual friends. Then it can work.
I still crave deep constant friendship in my life, i got so use to it in high school and college, and even after a lot of my online friends feel like ‘family’ is the best way to describe it. And I really like having friends like that, but I remind myself just because i don’t have that doesn’t make me less of a friend etc. Its just situational, and as long as I am being giving, and caring, and listen (truely listen) to what others are saying and do my best to contribute positively to their lives in the ways that I can. I can be satisfied that we are friends even if not close ones. :)