Coming Out To Homophobes
[ 22 February 2008 ]
“I’m bisexual, have had past secret relationships with females and I haven’t told anyone except my boyfriend, who I know is one of the most open minded people out there. Do you know how I could tell my parents, friends and other people I know? My parents make fun of gay/bi/lesbian people. My friends stopped hanging out with one of our close friends because she told them she is a lesbian and another one because she is bi. How could you just stop hanging out with one of your friends after they told you probably one of their most in depth secrets? Also, my school isn’t exactly the most friendly towards the openly gay people or even those who “look” gay. So can you help me figure a way to come ermm – halfway out of the closet – with these people without making them spaz out and shun me?”
Oh, honeypuff. I don’t envy you your situation at all.
First of all, it sounds like you know that your friends are kind of messed up. I honestly can’t fathom writing someone off just because of their sexual preference — it boggles my mind. You sound like you too are shocked & appalled & a little disturbed by their behaviour. & yet you still want to come out to them.
I understand this. It’s human nature to want to share our secrets, to unload burdens, to communicate the rare parts of ourselves. Why else do you think gossip is such a huge part of most people’s lives? So, I get it — I understand your conflict.
But really, the big question is this: Do they actually need to know about your secret sapphism? Once you know the answer to that, you will pretty much know how to proceed. It all hinges on that decision.
I know that it’s pretty weird & heavy to have this past that no one is aware of, & I think it’s important for us to be honest about who we are. But given their past responses to these kinds of things, don’t you think that telling them is kind of a big risk?
This might sound mean, but if they’ve dropped your other friends for being bi or lesbian, what makes you think that your situation will be any different?
Having said that, I have no idea about the context of your situation. Maybe you subconsciously know that it’s time to move on from your friends, & you think that coming out is the best way to get rid of them quickly. If that’s the case, then you might as well do it. Just make it snappy!
On the other hand, if you do actually still want to be friends with them, you already know what’s going to happen when you say “I like girls!”. Odds are extremely high that they are going to flip out & stop speaking to you. You might be able to salvage some of the friendships but on the other hand, maybe not. The best predictor of the future is the past, & all that. I think that if you do really intend on coming out to them, you should also start scouting for new buddies. Pronto.
I could give you some tips for coming out, but we can’t control other people — only the way we behave. It doesn’t matter how you phrase it, your friends are going to react in a way that is consistent with their beliefs (& their experience). They sound like the sort that will go from shocked to confused to scorn-tastic in the blink of an eye. Which, quite frankly, sucks.
I think you really have two choices.
1. Remain a girl lover on the down-low, keep your friends in the dark & enjoy their friendship. Until you fall in love with a woman who doesn’t want to date a secret lesbian.
2. Tell them the truth & find some new friends.
I know that I would personally feel very uncomfortable knowing that my so-called ‘friends’ would drop me if they found out that I wasn’t straight as an arrow & planning on moving to the suburbs to live in heterosexual bliss with my very masculine husband & 2.3 children. I mean — what? How can a friendship continue when you know that heterosexuality is the only thing that hinges you together? That’s so weird! Time to move on, I think.
As for your parents — well, your parents are a whole different kettle of fish. I would hope that because you’re their child, they might react differently. But, sadly, it’s not guaranteed. Again — while honesty is cool, do they need to know? If your current relationship ends & you fall head over heels for your minxy tennis instructor, maybe that would be a better time to bring it up.
I would love to say, “Tell them & who cares about the haters!”, but I think to do so would be irresponsible. In an ideal world, we would all be upfront about our sexuality & who we are, but from what I’ve seen, I don’t think the world is quite evolved to that point yet. I always endorse being true to yourself & never being ashamed of who you are — but if you live in a small country town where they seem to regard abusing gay or “weird” kids as some kind of amateur sport, you really need to weigh it up in your own mind. I guess I would say that being real & true is important, but being safe should always be your first priority.
I hope this helps. Good luck! & nonpareils — what do you think?
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala 
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This is such a difficult situation =/
I’d say look for new friends and when you know that you have some people or friends that could help you in the slightest way through this situation, break the news to your homophobic friends. And just move on. I feel that with people like that, if it’s not your sexuality that they’re judging you for, it would be something else. And who needs that in their life?
And for the parents… I personally wouldn’t say anything unless I had to, I’m not sure on how they would react. And I know that I wouldn’t be able to handle being rejected by my parents in a situation like this.
My older brother had to deal with all of the coming out to family situation. I’m from a family that had the small-town-homophobe syndrome really really bad. Throughout my childhood my family went to counseling for a problem I had no idea what was. I never understood why my parents seemed to yell at him so much, but buy him practically everything he wanted. Finally, in his senior year of high school, he came out of the closet. That’s when it hit me that they’d been treating him like a ticking bomb. I’d always suspected, but seeing him say it made me love him a billion times more. Now, about 10 years later, my brother has moved back in with my parents. He’s still pampered and my parent’s still aren’t facing the problem.
What I’m trying to say is, I definitely agree with Gala, weigh your options. My brother got off the hook in his situation, even though it has really stunted his social skills. I’ve heard of families being ripped apart over this sort of thing. It’s really messed with mine.
The main thing to do is follow your heart and remember to love yourself, in the end that’s all that matters.
Wow. That totally sucks! Love to you, babe!
I’m not sure about your family but as for your ‘friends’....
I am considered ‘straight’, my friends are from all walks of life & have all sorts of different sexual orientations. but that’s labels & I hate labels!
I find all sorts of different people attractive, and I could never imagine refusing to be someone’s friend just because they weren’t ‘wearing the same label’ as me.
Anyway, as the wise Gala once said “you don’t just choose an orientation & stick to it and that’s it! Things change…”
I honestly think that you DON’T need to feel like you have to tell these people your secretive things.
I don’t know your situation but to me they don’t sound like the kind of people that deserve to be friends with the Wonderful-You, let alone hear your deepest and ‘darkest’!
I would personally find some new, accepting friends!
Friendship is about loving people for who they are, for their good points.Not excluding or judging on such trivial things as sexual preference.
Value yourself first. Find people that it’s worth sharing your secret with.
Gala, I agree with everything you’ve said. Top effort – I hope it helps!
I agree, such a difficult situation. I think it’s very good to be open about your sexuality in some circumstances, and keep it private in others. I consider who it is and whether they really need to know what I do with whom. Most of my close friends (and spouse) know that I’m bisexual (though, I agree with Natasja that I HATE labels. I consider myself a lover of PEOPLE), but the average person doesn’t really need to know that. If someone asks, I’d tell them honestly and matter of factly then leave it at that. I pick and choose what I’m outspoken about, it’s good to expose people to different ways to thinking, but shoving it down their throat makes people resistant to what you are trying to get at, and can be frustrating to you. In groups of people who are homophobic (and who don’t know my orientation) I will make careful, well thought out and logical points if there is ever a conversation I disagree with. Sometimes people just repeat what they’ve been told their whole lives because of ignorance, sometimes saying some with conviction and calmness at the right time says more than yelling back.
I should say that if I ever became involved with a woman in a long term way, I would come out completely to my family and friends and not be ashamed of my relationship. I couldn’t have said the same thing when I was in school, let alone 2 years ago. I’ve become more comfortable and understanding of myself as I’ve gotten olden, and that’s given me the self confidence to weather what other’s have to say about me. I don’t know that if I’d “come out” during my school years I could have handled the negativity. . .
Whether you choose to come out to your more judgmental friends, perhaps you should consider finding a more supportive social group? People who are willing to abandon a person because of their sexual orientation are cruel and will likely dump you for another ridiculous reason. Having fewer, but more devoted and sincere friends will make your life in general a lot easier and if/when you decide to come out you have a support group waiting for you..instead of a den of snakes waiting to bite you.
I hope this helps in some way!
when i got involved with a girl after being with a man i thought i had to tell all my friends. i realized that it wasn’t necessary. i didn’t need to sit everyone down and tell them because it wasn’t there business. if they figured it out then good for them. luckily i had friends that were open minded, they just were surprised. plus it was a fleeting relationship so it was a good thing i didn’t tell anyone. it would just end up confusing people in the end.
so i think the girl who wrote you the question should just handle her business and enjoy herself and not worry about her friends. she’ll find new accepting friends along the way and be much happier.
I’m straight, but I like to think that I’d date a chick without stressing over it, if I ever wanted to, heheh. I also have quite a few gay or bi friends.
I’ve found that when they came out to me and other friends, the easiest way for them to do so is to just act like it’s no big deal – because really, it shouldn’t matter in how you see someone whether they’re straight, bi, or gay. One of my friends started talking about something and was like “Oh yeah, I’m bi..” and then she just continued talking. But I’m reasonably open-minded, so it was probably easier to come out to me. The same girl had a boyfriend at the time, and he was less accepting and went so far as to call her a slut because of it. Needless to say, she dumped him. People like that just aren’t worth knowing.
My opinion (which probably doesn’t mean much) is that the best (but not easiest!) option would be to tell the friends “I’m bi, I’m fine with it, and you should be too.”, and if they don’t like it, they’re obviously not good friends.
If it were me, I couldn’t be gay and be around people who make fun of gays. It would be like living a lie, to me.
I have to agree with everything you’ve said, Gala.
Dear fellow nonpareil – From what you’ve said, it sounds like it’d be pretty hard to find other open-minded people, but if it’s possible, befriend them! Having people who accept you for who you are might put to ease your yearnings to tell your current friends… As for your parents, though, it really depends on how much they make fun of people who aren’t straight – I know parents who joke about it because they don’t know any differently, but who would accept if their children came out to them. Really, trust your instincts and do what is best for yourself! If you must stay in the closet in order to stay safe and untormented by the people around you who know everything about you, do it. You’re the most important thing in your life right now, not those other people who don’t believe in the same values as you do. Hopefully one day soon you will find yourself surrounded by people just as terrific as you are who you won’t be afraid to be yourself around!
I wish you all the luck in the world, hun. It really depends on the people – it can be quite surprising, in the long run. My partner and I have completely different families, and hers were particularly scary to approach about it. Her older sisters are both homophobic and her parents Catholic, but they’ve been completely wonderful because they just want her to be happy. However, mine have barely spoken to me in 7 months now; I don’t regret telling them, but it doesn’t make me understand it any better.
What I’m trying to say is that you never know until you try – and decide firstly whether you’re ready to tell EVERYONE or just a few people. If it’s the latter, choose carefully, because people talk (whether they mean to or not.) Perhaps it’s better to wait until you finish school, because large groups of easily influential people can be very harsh. I don’t think I would’ve been able to cope, personally.
I know it’s hard to comment unless you’re in the exact same situation, but I hope all the comments help – and again, good luck!
xo
Whether or not you decide to come out, your ‘friends’ I’d suggest working on expanding your circle of friends to a group that is more open minded. Not advocating you get rid of these ‘friends’ completely but I’d definately work on opening my horizons to others who would accept me for all of who I was.
Before coming out, I would consult with your boyfriend too, at least if this is a serious relationship, is he willing to give up these friends if they ostrecise you from their group entirely? Don’t base your decision on his response necessarily , I’d never recomend you let someone else do your thinking for you but at least you then know what you are getting yourself into. EI.. will he support you or are you going into this alone. You say hes open minded so I would hope his answer would be ‘whatever you decide I’m there’ :)
I only say that because if you lose them, do you lose him too? I know that everyone says “if they don’t accept you who you are then you’re better off without them” , but thats idealistic. I for one need people contact,I spent years alone, without friendship it was HARD. I was depressed, I was scared, I had breakdowns, some very very low points.
Thats why if at all possible I’d build an alternate support system first and then ‘out’ myself. Again maybe your stronger than me, but that would be how I would need to handle it. I’d need to know I at least had someone who was going to be there. Just my .02 I wish you the best however you decide to handle it.
this advice post got me thinking…. you need another podcast! pronto! seriously, why has no one been bombarding you with e-mails telling you this? i just went to listen to the shopping primer one again.
i need me podcasts, gala! i’m tired of just hearing men talk online!!
:)
Rough situation, hands down. I think that the telling friends & the telling to parents should be separate situations, though. For friends – yes, of COURSE you want them to be supportive. But for some people that just isn’t happening. If this is an integral part of your life right now, then Yes, I can see you wanting them to know so you can live your life openly without worries. If you’re in a relationship, would coming out with this detail fuss things all up for you?
On the parents end of things…well, I just don’t know. Part of me wants everyone to be able to scream their preferences from the rooftops & go have a lolly. I think the thing with parents is that AS parents they have a ‘get out of jail free’ card about sexuality. & by that I mean, no daughter/son wants to know about their parent’s sexual habits just as much as the parentals don’t want details about their spawn’s habits. I think the possibility of being open without being OPEN might be a necessity. Especially if they tend to express prejudice about that sort of thing.
Would it be worth just bringing up the topic of bisexuality/homosexuality in a casual conversation with your friends and asking them what they have against it without necessarily telling them straight out about your orientation? Maybe have a discussion about it and try to enlighten them, because I hate the thought of people being so narrow-minded and just going through life without having their narrow-minded beliefs challenged. Maybe they haven’t thought the concept through and they just have a terribly immature reaction of “eww, gross”, so they need to be made to think about it and realise that heterosexuality isn’t the only option, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the alternatives.
I’m not sure how this approach would go with parents. Younger people might be more willing to change their opinions because they haven’t held them for decades and decades and decades, and they are actively participating in a more open-minded society than yester-year and therefore might be more prone to adapting their opinions. Older people might hold on to their opinions more stubbornly. Perhaps when your parents make fun of homosexuals/bisexuals, ask them why they think it’s so funny or why it deserves to be treated with derision. People often make fun of things they’re not comfortable with, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re completely against it.
I think maybe the key here is to work out why these people in your life hold these opinions, and try to first make them realise that they need to be more open-minded before attempting to tell them about your orientation.
Oh sweetness such a big step to take!
I recommend not telling anyone until you feel completely comfortable about your sexuality yourself. It took me a couple of years to tell my Mum that I’m bi. I’m glad I waited though because I had the confidence to be able to answer her questions. It was a very awkward conversation but I didn’t feel embarrassed. It is so hard to come out to your parents because they’re the ones you really do need to sit down with and tell. It’s unlikely to come up in conversation because sexuality is generally not discussed. I told my Mum when I was single, months before I got my first girlfriend, and I think that was a really good thing. It gave her time to get used to the idea before presenting her with a girl on my arm. By telling your parents while you have a boyfriend may confuse them, it also won’t be quite as confronting. Although, being confronting can be a good thing! If they do respond badly and start saying horrible things about gay people and whatnot, tell them you disagree. Tell them why you disagree. Be the one who is rational and calm.
I think it’s important to remember that people aren’t neccesarily going to react the way you think. As horrible as your friends have been towards others it’s good that you’re prepared for that reaction. They are, of course, likely to react the same way. However, it might also make them think about what they’re doing to the people close to them. Be prepared to talk to them about it. Ask them why they feel uncomfortable about it. Confront their beliefs with your own reasoning. So many people make jokes about homosexuality because their environment has taught them to do so. They obviously don’t know any better yet, you could be the one to teach them.
Meeting new people will definitely help. Try working it into conversation early on that you’re bi, the more people you are open with the easier it will be to tell the people you are closest to.
I guess what I’m trying to say in the midst of all my rambling is that if you are comfortable with yourself and willing to reason with those who are closed minded you will be fine. Don’t let the ignorant views of others hurt you – they’re the ones who should be ashamed not you.
Best wishes poppet!
xox
I kind of have this problem and I don’t know if I agree or disagree with this advice because its confusing…
I don’t think my friends are exactly homophobes, but even if they’re just ordinary straight people who’ve never really had any real gay friends, you still don’t know how they’re going to react you YOU being someone they never realised you were. It’s kind of like you’ve been lying to them everytime you say ‘yes Johnny Depp is so hot!’ even if you mean it, even if you are bi, because it feels misleading a little bit.
And if you really do like your friends, it still feels like lying in a way. Especially if you’re having a relationship secretly, because they ring you up everytime they kiss someone and tell you every detail, and you’re just avoiding talking about this whole part of your life under the guise that ‘it’s not their business’.
Then again, I totally agree that if you’re still in highschool you really don’t have to say anything… hardly anyone knows who they are in school anyway, and you might make new friends- but if you’re in a small town and don’t move away you might have those friends after highschool too, which is my problem. Then again, all the people I know who were OUT in school are really happy and comfortable with themselves…. keeping it in and hiding it makes it really difficult to say anything as time goes by… it becomes a big deal.
This isn’t really a helpful comment to the question asker… I was just giving my feelings about people saying “Don’t tell them cause you don’t have to.” But thats a valid reasoning too. It’s difficult and I am totally in empathy and in the same place.
Though I am straight, I have stood by my friends who have come out to me, and have listened to their rants against unsupportive parents and friends. I love all of my friends dearly and will always stick by their sides.
Depending on what arena you are in (high school, college etc) it could be a hard road you have ahead if you choose to tell your friends and family. If you do, keep those friends who support you close to your side. And let those who don’t, fall away.
Parents, on the other hand, are hard ones to predict. Even though they may say negative things, it is a whole different ball game when it is a real situation in their lives. There have been many times when parents are just as confused as their children. Parents are fallible, they are not the heroic beings they may have been when we were all 3. Give them a chance when you are ready to talk. Maybe begin with the parent you are closest too. I have always found it easier to talk to my mother first and then ready myself for battle with my father.
Who knows what may happen. But speak about it only when you are truly ready.
And take heart in the words we all are giving to you here. You are supported here. Look how many of us are reaching out to you, and we have never met you, but are caring about you! It is a wonderful thing :) Let it comfort you.
It always pains me when I realise that someone I’[m fond of is a bigot. sigh It’s noone else’s business what your sexual preference is. A straight person is not expected to say to their friends: “guys, I’m straight – I’m a girl who is sexually attracted to boys” or vice-versa.
But it is so important though to be able to talk to your friends about who you’re interested in without judgement. It is a decision you have to make on your own though – but do you truly want to be friends with people that feel that way in this day and age?
Also I think its a big misconception that small country towns are full of homophobes. Yes- it is present – but the same can be said about the ‘burbs and schools in metro areas as well.
I read this post felt empowered and bounded up to the front room where Dad and Jodie were sitting, sat down and told them that I like boys and girls. They didn’t bat an eyelid, just smiled and said cool whatever you want to, just be happy. I know not everyone will be like that, lots of my school friends wont take the news well. The ones that I really care about will though YAY for open mined people. I’m happy with me and that is all that matters. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
Many hugs and kisses.
Sophie — DUDE! AWESOME!!!!!! I just read your comment with my mouth open. You rule! xxxxxx
blushesThank you! I was a bit general though, I would love/lust after anyone if they were sweet,lovely and sexy in their own way, no gender, two genders whatever. If I like ‘em I like ‘em. ♥HOORAY!! Sophie, you have just made my night!
Girls, boys, non-gender specific people, I love ‘em all. Well, not so much boys, unless they’re very un-heteronormative. I spend a lot of time and energy informing and educating people about (non-binary) gender and sexuality, and I’m glad you address issues like this here because as we’ve already seen, education and enlightenment is better than going “screw you” to bigots. Remember, there’s strength in the sisterhood! The world needs more girl love and less bitching! Thanks Gala!
I have a friend who just recently came out… to her online friends. She figures she’s not dating anyone yet, so it’s still nobody’s business, but she just had to tell someone so she turned to her Livejournal. I think she’s doing this the right way; she is unloading her new secret, and sort of getting practice coming out, and still not telling anyone she interacts with on a daily basis until it really matters, i.e. when she does find a girlfriend.
Also, an acquaintance of mine (Jeremy Diaz) sued his high school because they wouldn’t let him start up a club for the gay students, specifically because it promoted a gay lifestyle. He won quite a bundle! He used it to fund the Jer’s Vision foundation, a charity that helps support the gay community and hands out, among other things, a scholarship to gay students who have really stood out.
I guess what I’m thinking is that our girl doesn’t need to say anything unless she has to (already having her boyfriend’s support is a big thing!) but that, should she choose to come out to her friends and family, she should not allow fear of rejection to hold her down, because there are a ton of possibilities for everyone, not matter their sexual orientation!
I agree with the fact that you dont have to tell anyone. Its important to remember although your sexuality is an important part of your life, you are have a unique personality, your sexuality isn’t who you are. You can be yourself without having to cry it too the world!
I never actully came out. I just made it clear to my friends and my mother that I love someone because they are amazing and beautiful not because they are male or female and they just kinda gathered from there. I don’t see that very private part of my life as anyone else’s business.
At my school people throw the term “bisexual” around like it doesn’t matter. This may sound exaggerated, but almost everyone I know has decided to be bi. It’s as though it has become a trend. If their parents knew, they’d most likely flip. They’d get over it, but I know a girl that’s atheist and whose parent’s are deout Catholics. They would be really upset. I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it and be like, “GUESS WHAT I’M BI!!!!1234!!!!”. People who do that are just hungry for attention. Sure, you have mine, but please, there ARE other ways of grabbing it.
hmm… i think you don’t have to tell such things – we don’t see people telling eachother that he/she is “straight” & it’s not their business anyway.
i also denied my sexual identity, i see myself as a “being” instead of a girl/boy.
my advice: stay strong!
It’s possible that they don’t deserve you if they aren’t willing to accept every wonderful part of you.
However, that’s not what you want to hear! I am bad at advice, but this is my best shot: You don’t have to talk about it if it makes them uncomfortable. If person A. believes in God & person B. doesn’t, person A. might choose to not talk about religion all of the time, and person B. might choose to keep quiet herself.
You shouldn’t have to hide who you are, but sometimes it doesn’t hurt to keep the peace if that’s what you’re aiming for. If you really want to stick with these friends, then you’ll find crafty ways to not bring your sexuality into the conversation.
Never, ever forget that you love yourself though. If all else fails do whatever it takes to make sure you remember that you love yourself. If that means screaming your sexuality from the rooftops, it must be done!
My Dad came out a little over a year ago. Now, I have never, ever had a problem with homosexuality- some of my best friends are gay or bi, and it’s never bothered me in the slightest. However, I have to admit, being on the recieveing end of an opening closet was a little confronting.
It took me a while to understand that what disturbed me most about the whole situation was my Dad’s infidelity to my Mum- not the fact that he’s gay. But every situation is different. Everybody has their own opinions and morals and values and ideals.
My Dad and I ave always been tremendously close. I love him to pieces, and I still do, but the day that he said “I’m gay” and the eek that followed did leave me with questions. I was frustrated. I might have even been a bit angry. But you know, when it comes down to it, it’s the relationship that matters the most. And I love my Dad, as I do all my gay/bi friends, unconditionally.
I say, if being who you are and being true to yourself means coming out to people that you love and care about, and who care about you, then go for it. If the relationship is worth keeping people will still love and accept you. But maybe also take a little time to try and understand why some people might not see eye to eye with you. Some people need time and space to process an idea like homosexuality.
My Dad is moving in with his partner at the end of the month and I couldn’t be happier for them!
Good luck xx
i realize this message is totally off topic, but i’ve been thinking about eating RAW for a week, and i was wondering what suggestions you have about what to eat for protein
much thanks!
c.
hmmmm, this is a tough one. i’m sorry that you even have to go through this. your friends and family should be there for you and love and accept you no matter what and that you are going through this proves the brokenness of our society.
i have numerous friends that are bi/gay and i can’t imagine judging or shunning them based on something like sexual preference. first, it is none of my business, and second, it doesn’t change who they are.
that being said, and at the risk of being shunned myself, i actually am very conservative and don’t completely agree with homosexuality. but i have my beliefs, and they are mine, and no matter what i believe, i first believe in love and kindness and acceptance of all people.
you are who you are and you have been and will be the same person regardless of whether or not your friends and family know. they should love you and support you no matter what, and i hope that they realize that, and realize shunning you does nothing but cause anger and bitterness on both sides.
what i really want to do is give you a hug and hang out with you because it sounds like you need friends that love you for you.
I personally keep my bisexuality pretty much secret. For the most part anyone. My parents don’t know, and neither do any of my childhood friends. I have other friends who are a little more open minded and they all happen to be bi/gay/cross dressers/guys with boobs/ etc. I don’t see it as living a lie. I feel that my sexual orientation is something very personal to me. If someone is not a person I can trust that information to, then I really don’t need to share it. They miss out on knowing about that part of me.
I am also bisexual, and I once dated a “closet” lesbian. We had to keep our relationship a secret from my girlfriend’s sister, whom she lived with. It was AWFUL! And painful, too.
For so long I just dated men, because they are “easier” to date – that is, fewer complications are associated with a public heterosexual relationship than a lesbian one. It’s sad and unfortunate, but true.
I didn’t even “come out” (I really hate that term) to my friends in high school until they SAW my sexual orientation on my Myspace profile, of all places. Well, I was found out and told them that yes, indeed, I’m into girls. Most of them were fine with it, and others weren’t. I won’t lie to you and say it didn’t hurt when I heard those former friends talking about how “gross” I was and how “wrong and disgusting” it was that I was attracted to women.
I pined for their friendships for a while and eventually realized that I needed to make better friends who truly loved me. And I did!
I wish you all the luck in the world coming out to your friends. PLEASE, pretty please, do not keep something like this a secret! Who you’re attracted to is a HUGE part of who you are, and you should be able to talk about that with your friends! Believe me, being able to point out a pretty girl to my (new, accepting) straight female friends is one of the simplest, best feelings in the entire world.
First off, you parents. Do they hate gays or do they just like to make fun of them. There is a difference. My mom says the most retarded things about gay people, but it is just because she is dumb not because she hates them, she loves my gay brother very much, in fact. If your parents would just be weirded out, then you can survive that, if they would disown you, kick you out or abuse you, DON’T tell anyone you are bi until you are free of your parents support. If you tell one of your homophobic friends you are bi and it gets back to your parents and you don’t want it to, you could regret telling anyone. If you think your parents will be easier than your friends, than I say, let it out. Find new friends who will love you for who you are! There are a few girls and guys already ousted from your crowd that might like to be your friend once you open up and come out of the closet!
Good luck :)
No matter how you introduce your homosexuality to people (gradually with hints, having a big meeting and announcing to everyone, sitting people one by one, telling selective friends)... there are some who just plain won’t want to hear it, see it, smell it, etc. They are not worth your time.
In the end, they’ll realize at some point that they were wrong, that they should love you as a whole and not just parts of you. And they’ll realize that they’ve lost some wonderful person in their life.
Good luck to you, in the end you’ll make the right decision.
I don’t really have any advice to offer but our situations are similar, only, my parents would disown me* and kick me out of the house if they knew that I was into girls. They are really strict and really homophobic. I haven’t come out to my friends yet, except for one, but that only because I don’t want to raise a fuss. When I told my best friend I was worried because she’s okay with gay boys, but she’s not too fond of gay girls (she’s an odd-ball, I know). If your friends are so fickle as to dump someone because they don’t fit their ideal, why bother with them, there are other people in a school.
*My parents would disown me if I cut my hair (which is thick, heavy, way too long, and grossing me out) they actually told me that and not jokingly.
I think what you might want to ask yourself is why you feel the need to come out to them all right NOW. You are dating your boyfriend, so is there some reason why you feel the need to tell everyone you’re bi? What if you end up marrying your bf and not ever dating a girl again? Do they need to know? Do you want them to know?
If I were in your shoes, and my friends’ attitudes toward bisexuality were what you described, I don’t think I would tell anyone unless and until I was dating a woman and it became sort of necessary to tell people. That is not your current situation, so if it were me I think I would keep it to myself for the time being. But if it’s about just being honest about who you are and wanting to come clean, then I would suggest following Gala’s advice – it’s very good!
I recently had a friend come out also, although the circumstances were terrible.
It was when a bunch of my friends and I were drunk that one friend said casually that friend X was a lesbian. I hadn’t heard, so I asked about when they came out, but then my whole group of friends revealed that they all knew, and had been told not to tell me because friend X fancied me.
I think this is an example of a mistake people ‘coming out’ should try to avoid. It was so humiliating, that everyone knew except me, especially so that they had been asking me what I’d do if hypothetically a friend was a lesbian, infront of friend X no less!
I’d suggest that if you like someone, but havn’t come out yet, come out and wait for it to settle in before saying you like them. And never keep it secret from that certain someone when everyone else knows!
I’ve no advice about parents but have something to say about friends.
At the end of the day, the only person you can depend on is YOU. So do what you are happy with. The only person you need to explain yourself to is you. Friends are fab and all, but often times they are not the people you thought they were and it can be heartbreaking to find that out.
In my school at least, cliques formed based on such arbitrary things, mainly who was in the classes you took. That largely continued through college, and now I see that people you hang out with are not necessarily friends. Being part of a group gives a nice sense of security, but it’s shocking how quick they’ll cut you loose when all of a sudden you don’t conform to the group’s way of thinking.
Friends are people you can say this sort of thing to and not be afraid, because you are sure of their love for you. If you’re afraid they’ll shun you, they clearly are not the friends you thought they were. Since it’s none of their business, you could just maintain the friendship you have now and not tell them, but something tells me these people will disappoint you sooner or later even without this revelation bringing things to boil.
Good luck, I hope you are happy whatever you choose to do.
I would give the rather simple answer that you should come out to them. It’s an old cliché, but I think still holds true that if they cannot accept you for who you are they do not deserve to be your friends.
It’s not easy, and it might mean you lose some so-called friends, but think about it this way: first of all, the fact that you even felt the need to ask for advice on this suggests it is weighing on you, and while some people do not feel the need to tell anyone it doesn’t seem to be the case with you.
You also seem to have a few good people around you, so you wouldn’t be left completely on your own. And quality is always better than quantity.
Your friends are there to support you and care for you, not to make you feel ashamed or worried in any way about who you are.
As for your parents, joking about LGBT-people doesn’t have to mean their idea of them really is that negative. Heck, I know people of all orientations who joke about, well, all orientations. Only you can tell how negative the jokes are, and go from there. Anyway, you can pick your friends, but not your family, so I’d tread more carefully there, but in my experience, most parents warm to the idea of their children being non-straight given time. You could always test them by doing something along the lines of mentioning a dear friend of yours (real or made up) being gay, and ask them questions around that and see how they react.
And Gala, while I think iCiNG is absolutely fantastic, can I question your wording, in that you mentioned a ‘sordid past’. Considering ‘sordid’ is such a negative word, I was surprised you used that.
Eka — I actually got an email about that just before your comment so I’ve taken it out ;D I have always thought of something being sordid as a good thing — like saucy & salacious & awesome. But I can see how it can be misinterpreted so I’ve removed it :>
This is a really rough situation. Poor girl! I’ve never understood why people would be afraid of or feel hatred towards homosexuals. I just don’t get it! Unfortunately, just because I don’t understand homophobia does not mean it doesn’t exist. :(
But you offered some really helpful & realistic advice. Well done.
I’m a bi woman in a long-term relationship with a guy. Politically, I think it’s important for bisexuals to represent ourselves, and lessen black and white thinking about sexual orientation — the prejudices of gay people could be a whole other conversation!
I came out to my parents when I introduced them to my partner. I didn’t just want them to think I was headed for marriage with children! I hoped for a better understanding to exist between us all.
But for what it’s worth, their reaction was to take it mildly badly (“What did we do wrong?”), to not really believe me (“It’s just her being weird”), and mostly to pretend it never happened.
Moral: don’t expect your parents to understand the true bi-you any better than the assumed straight-you. Ask yourself, given this, what’s most important about your relationship with them? If it’s mutual civility in spite of misunderstandings, then you might not bother coming out, at least until it matters (i.e. serious future female partners).
Anyone here come out to your parents later in life?
wow. that girl is pretty much me. i literally could’ve written that email, word for word. i haven’t much advice, but looking at the comments there is plenty already.
i guess all i’d like to add is that my comment is always that i’m attracted to people, not their gender. & if your “friends” can’t hack that, its their loss, you don’t need such close minded, judgemental people in your life :)
ps: remember, our parents were brought up in a different time, they are acting in the only way they know how- it might just take them a little time to adjust their minds.
At my school we’ve got 2 guys in my year who are bi and they both found it really hard to come out the closet too. Like, one just came straight out with it and kinda got shunned by the silly, immature people in our year but soon enough got accepted for who he was and the other told 1 person who then told everyone which was kinda mean but everyone just accepted him too.
I think my mates might be a bit less judgemental than your school so the only thing i can think of is for you to get new mates. I mean, that might be hard but if your friends would stop being friends with you because of your sexual orientation, it kinda means they aren’t real friends because…for something as trivial as that, to end a friendship isn’t really worth it…
As for your parents/family i guess it would be best to tell them openly and just give them time to adjust to it i guess…I mean, they should accept you for who you are.
:)
At home my parents and family assume I’m straight, and at college I’m open about being interested in both men and women, if people ask. I don’t politically identify as bisexual as much as I just sort of generally identify as gay or just not straight/normal. There are a lot of other things besides my sexuality that my parents don’t know about me, and it’s because we don’t have a very open relationship. They don’t know that I’m atheist, that I swear, that I go to see rated-R movies, that I occasionally smoke, that kind of thing – and knowing how they flip out when I spill a glass of water has never really made me particularly eager to reveal these parts of myself to them. My advice is: arrange your life to suit you and to be kind to the people around you, but don’t feel that you owe everyone every detail of your life. I don’t feel that my parents would be able to handle honesty from me, and I can’t choose my parents. Living away from home at university, though, I can choose my friends, and I figure that people who wouldn’t be friends with me because of something as nonessential as my sexuality are not people I would be friends with anyway.
awe, hun. that sucks. :(
i told my friends that i was bi once i got into a relationship with a girl… none of them care at all. a few even kind of guessed i was before they even knew. it was just something that i didn’t care who knew about… if people decide to all of a sudden not like me because of the way i was for a long time (and they just had no idea), then i don’t know if they’re worth my time.
my brother and my mum know too, but i’m not going to tell dad until i get into a serious relationship with a girl, cos he’s pretty prejudiced.
it’s not good to have people shun you. and i guess the situation is a bit different for you compared to me. just don’t tell people if you’re not comfortable with it.
Some of my friends currently are drifting away from one of our other friends. Its not because of the fact that she is bi, its how she acts about it. A lot of people get confused and think we’re homophobic, which is totally not the case. Its just she uses her sexuality to attract attention and basically she acts like a totally perverted guy all the time. And we’re not even sure if she’s actually bi, could it all be just a publicity stunt? I mean its obviously not because she is bi that we’re uncomfortable, because if she was male it wouldn’t make a difference in terms of how innapropriate her behavior is. Basically my point is, maybe your friends aren’t necessarily turned off by homosexuality maybe its just the way this person acts about it. I mean I wouldn’t want to constantly be hit on by my best friend (which is whats happening). I mean, thats weird and uncomfortable! You can totally be bi/gay and still retain some class! I have tons of friends that aren’t straight and i’m totally comfortable with it. Maybe your friends are just uncomfortable with the behavior of those particular people. I mean, the best thing you can do is give somebody a chance!
“How can a friendship continue when you know that heterosexuality is the only thing that hinges you together?”
Thank you so much for this line! :-*
K: precisely.
That’s great advice, Gala. Especially about choosing if it is necessary to tell people about your sex life and sexual preferences at all. Especially your parents. You don’t actually have to come out to anyone about being bisexual unless you want to, because it’s nobody’s business but your business. Especially if you have a boyfriend. Why does anyone else need to know?
I liked comment number 13 a lot. Irina suggested bringing up the topic of bisexuality/homosexuality in a casual conversation with friends and asking them what they have against it without necessarily telling them straight out about sexual orientation.
If you’re a young girl, I would suggest not coming out unless you start dating a girl. That’s because there are precious few young girls who haven’t experimented with girls, wondered if they are bisexual or even called themselves bisexual before realizing that it was just an interesting phase or period in their life. I think sexuality is fluid and that most people could be attracted to either sex if they found the right person. (Though I absolutely respect and acknowledge that there are some people who are just straight or just gay and could never think about the opposite/same sex in a sexy way.)
Haha, I always think “a sordid past” sounds exciting and sexy and awesome, too! I guess it just sounds so old fashioned that it takes a tongue-in-cheek kind of sound in my ears. But it’s good you took it out anyway.
Argh! such a horrible situation to be in, and yet it really shouldn’t be!
I’m a gay boi and i never really came out to anyone, it was sort of always knows to everyone, except me. The one person I wanted to tell was my mum, i was sure she’d be fine with it, but just couldn’t work up the courage. So finally one day she asked me and i told her, ‘yeah i am’ and she was totally cool and also relieved in a way, because she thought the reason i’d been a bit closed of, and hiding things from her was something more sinister. However i understand not all parents are quite so open-minded, but they’re still your parents, and they will get used to it eventually.
Since coming out to my mum (or her coming out for me lol) i also informed other immediate members of my family (sister, grandmother), at different times depending on when i thought was appropriate. I think that’s what the key is. I mean it will be difficult either way, but i wouldn’t necessarily come out to everyone at the same time, because people react soo differently, and it will stress you out as well, but it really is good having the support of your family, because when it comes down to it, they will always be there for you.
As for the friend situation, i’d seriously find new ones if that’s the way they’ve reacted in the past, you don’t need people like that in your life.
I really don’t recommend hiding anything, or keeping secrets from anyone close to you, the more you hide things, the more you will think it is something that should be hidden. Don’t be ashamed of your sexuality, embrace it!
There’s also a group called PFLAG (parents and family or lesbians and gays) pflagaustralia.org.au/ – my mum’s attended for 5 years and she finds it really great, and always has interesting stories about other families to share with me – very supportive group
You should just tell your friends and if they are going to judge & label you as ‘bisexual’ or ‘lesbian’ and not see the person inside then they are not your friends!
Your parents are a little harder but again you should just tell them. They might be shocked/angry but they should eventaully get over it, after all you are thier daughter! They should love you for who you are. It might help to mention this to them.
You should not be judged on something as little as your sexulality espically by your friends & family!
good luck.