Dealing With Suicide
[ 31 January 2008 ]
This post is dedicated to V., who lost a dear friend yesterday.
I come from New Zealand, a place with one of the highest suicide rates in the world. In fact, in New Zealand, suicide is the second most common cause of death after motor vehicle accidents. One of my closest friends at school committed suicide at age 15 — she had barely even started to experience life & all of a sudden, it was over.
Everyone who knew her was devastated. We didn’t know what to think. I went into a state of weird shock & denial — when my mother told me that my friend had died, & that we were going to see her, I thought she was still alive. My brain couldn’t grasp the concept that we were going to go & see her body.
I think most people are a bit curious about what dead bodies are like, but after you’ve been up close & personal with the body of someone you loved, you’d be pretty happy never to see another body again.
Suicide is one of the hardest things to deal with, I think. Any kind of death is difficult, of course, but suicide is so sudden, so confusing, & it leaves you with so many unanswered questions. That’s the most infuriating thing — the lack of clarity or understanding. People who end it all believe that they have a good reason for doing it, but it is something that those of us on the outside will probably never grasp.
It’s very common to be confused, angry, sad, feel lost or numb, or go into denial. My friend’s mother went into denial at first, & then, within a year, she sold the house & moved to Canada to start a new life. I suppose this is my way of helping you understand that people deal with death in very different ways.
While I don’t have heaps of experience with dealing with suicide, here are some things you can do to help yourself out.
Allow yourself to deal with it
Acknowledge the pain you’re in & let yourself experience it. Sometimes people don’t allow themselves to do this because they don’t want to been seen as “selfish”, but honestly, you have to do this stuff or it will hit you like a ton of bricks at some unexpected & unfortunate moment. Your emotions are going to be all over the chart, & so are your moods, behaviours & patterns. Don’t just continue with your normal daily routine & pretend that everything is okay. You have been hurt, you need to make space to take care of that.
Try to work the grief out of yourself
Pain affects your whole being — your body, mind & spirit — so be good to yourself in all those areas. Eat good food, meditate, go to a religious service if that’s your thing. Use EFT, exercise like a lunatic, build a treehouse or express your anger/confusion/sadness creatively. Paint, write, sing, sculpt, dance — do whatever brings you the most pleasure.
Write a letter to your friend
Since the silence & unanswered questions can be one of the most difficult things to deal with, you might like to try writing a letter to your friend. You can say anything you want. Tell them how much you love them, how confused you are, how angry you feel. You can swear & rant & carry on & be as selfish as you like, since it’s just a vehicle to allow you to cope with the situation. Take as much time writing it as you want. You can even make it into a little project that you work on over a few days, since your emotions will evolve as time goes on. When you’re done, burn it & make a conscious decision to release the emotions contained in it at the same time.
Look after your friends & family
You’re all going through this together. Being as supportive of each other as you can is really important. Sleep in each others’ beds, stay up late & drink cups of tea, talk about how much you miss your friend. Reminisce. Hug. Hold hands. Let your friends & family know how much they mean to you. Help them out however you can.
Understand that time is the best cure
It sounds trite but it is really the most important thing to understand about any type of pain. Time passes & takes with it the intensity of emotion. This is not to say that your memory of your friend’s death will disappear, just that as time progresses, it will be easier to look at, think about or examine. The searing anguish you feel will subside eventually. The lump in your throat will disappear; the lethargy & crying over breakfast will go away. I promise.
When V. emailed me, I turned to my friend Sophie, who unfortunately has much more experience with this subject than I do. I wanted to get someone else’s perspective, & asked her whether she had any coping mechanisms that she could share to help V. or anyone else. Here’s what she said.
[Everything below was written by Sophie.]
“It’s never easy to answer this kind of question, because we all react differently. Screw the so-called grieving process. Grief counsellors identify common aspects of grief — denial, anger, guilt, etc., blah blah blah — but can’t understand our own personal and unique reactions which stem from our relationships with the deceased.
Wikipedia has some good stuff about the documented common stages of grief. I’ve dealt with enough death to know those stages can swap around all over the place. The first thing I felt when you told me that someone unknown to me had taken their own life was frustration and sadness. Not denial — I know it happens, usually without warning, because I’ve seen it before.
When someone you know commits suicide, you blame yourself. That’s the worst thing. Not the denial, because you get over that fast — reality doesn’t go away. Not the anger; I’ve always thought that stems from a combination of all the other emotions reaching critical mass. But you constantly second-guess yourself.
“Did I miss something?”
“Was there a cry for help, and I was deaf to it?”
“Could I have been more supportive?”
“Was I unnecessarily harsh or flippant or indifferent about so-and-so’s breakup/job situation/family problems?”
“Was it my fault?”
Hell, you feel these things no matter how the person dies… but when someone kills themselves, you feel so helpless, because it’s so incomprehensible. You know their faults, but you see their talent and intelligence and compassion and their potential… hell, my boyfriend Mike would probably be a rocket scientist by now if he hadn’t decided to play on the short swing. And you cannot — REPEAT, CANNOT — avoid wondering if you could have done something to stop it. Guilt: Not Just For Catholics.
When you lose someone to suicide, it is not your fault. My saying it won’t make you feel it, but it helps to be reminded. Most people who kill themselves do not give any warning. You don’t know they’re that depressed. They may even have just reached a new high. My friend Sally seemed to have finally picked herself up out of her grief over her husband’s death. She was throwing herself back into theatre with gusto, getting things written and devised, and really finding her stride again — really living again. Then she decided to swallow a pharmacy and wash it down with a bar.
There is no good reason for someone to kill themselves. They do it because they cannot see any good ever happening in their life again. People who try to or do commit suicide honestly see it as the only way to end their pain. They don’t stop to think about the pain they’ll cause those who love them, and, in fact, often they think other people’s lives will be better without them. They don’t pause and ponder the possibility that if they’ve reached bottom, they can only climb back up.
You wanted to know if I have coping mechanisms? For a while I thought that the amount of death I’ve had to deal with (between 3 and 8 people I know dying every year since 1995) had enabled me to speed up the coping. I was wrong.
Here are the things I do.
Take time off work/study as soon as possible
It’s really easy to throw yourself into your daily tasks and delay the inevitable. It’s like deferring a cold with decongestants. You can look after everyone else but yourself, you can schedule unnecessary meetings and write your essay four weeks before it’s due, but once you run out of things to do, and probably when you least expect it, it’ll hit you. Stuck in rush hour traffic, you’ll cry uncontrollably. Halfway through a netball game you’ll get the shakes and have to sit down.
Even a day, hell, even an afternoon off from your usual grind will give you a chance to acclimatise just a little.
Be angry
You’re allowed to. You’re entitled to. I do this in the shower, because I’m less likely to break things. Also, I sing in the shower, and that’s really cathartic. Singing angry girl music or metal or whatever gets it out. Trying to not be angry (probably out of guilt) leaves you with a big lump in your throat. When I get out of the shower, I’m a little more balanced.
Go through your photos or scrapbooks
...Whatever you have. Find pictures and songs and things that your friend gave you, or that you shared, or that remind you of that person. Have another cry.
Think hard about the family
This is the one that helps me most. Call the family. See if you can do anything. Drive the kids to school or back. Drop their library books or DVDs back. Anything. Maybe take them a few of those photos you found.
Take time out to be quiet
Nerves fray when we try too hard to make conversation. Or worse, to be practical. It’s perfectly possible to want to wound your sister when she says, “I think we should ask people to make donations to the hospice instead of sending flowers” at the wrong time. Have a cup of tea, and sit for a while. Hell, cry some more.
By the same token, talk about it
You’re not the only person struggling to deal with loss. Confide in your loved ones. That’s why they’re loved, y’know? Because they stand by you through everything, and hold your hand when you’re blind with tears.
Look at the things in your own life that are beautiful
Maybe that person has left the building, but you haven’t. They haven’t reached their dreams… maybe you can. Hug your mother. Tease your brother. Eat a nectarine. Visit a cat refuge and get covered in kittens. Go to a gallery and see the good and the beauty that the world inspires. Be inspired yourself.
I think the biggest thing for me is also the hardest one — it’s like when your folks try to accept the tattoos even though they don’t understand. There is a point where you accept that someone will no longer be a part of your life, and you will not understand it. Ever, probably. And it’s like having a friend just walk away and never talk to you again. But you will accept it, and knowing that you will reach that point where it hurts less, helps you to eventually reach that point.”
Sophie is great. Thank you so much, honey.
To anyone who has recently lost a friend or family member to suicide, please know that the pain lessens & becomes easier to deal with. You have more support than you think. Don’t be afraid to reach out to people & talk about what you’re going through. Do your best to honour their life, cherish the good times, & look after yourself.
Note: Obviously suicide is a difficult subject to discuss. It’s so personal & scary that talking about it hurts. While it is normal to feel a mixture of emotions toward people who end their lives, out of respect for people who are dealing with this right now, please keep your comments as constructive & positive as possible. Thank you.
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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Thank you for writing this, it’s got composure and grace and will without a doubt help a lot of people. You’re a carer & world healer & I love you for it.
Oh, and a big thank you to Sophie too, of course.
I like how you wrote this. V classy. & to V. whoever you are, if you’re reading this, my thoughts are with you.
I can relate when a very young friend of mine died a couple of years back through a tragic accident..
I wrote him a letter, folded it into a crane and went into the forest, read it out then burnt it.
I also wrote his parents a letter.
And cried alot. I also found sharing when I needed to (and being a hermit also for awhile) very cathartic
I think we all find our ways through these hard times, the suggestions above are beautiful, varied and realistic. I thank both you and sophie also for handling such a difficult subjects with such honesty and grace.
To V and anyone out there going through this, my heart goes out to you and your families.
xxoo
A very thoughtful and evocative post Gala.
It’s horrible to think that many people who read this article will relate to it in some way. I can only hope that anyone dealing with the pain that arises from suicide is dealing with their grief in a way that they see fit.
I disagree with those who say that there are certain ways to deal with grief, or that there are certain things you ‘shouldn’t do’ during your personal grieving process. Dealing with loss is different for every person, as every loss is entirely different too.
To anybody dealing with this pain at the moment- my thoughts are with you. Suicide is something that I have had to deal with in my past and I would not wish it on a single person to go through the sort of pain and frustration that comes with it.
Thankyou for a though provoking post Gala.
Unfortunately, I have seen first hand the way suicide affects those left behind. I have seen people try and be strong for others and I have seen others fall apart. In my opinion, the ones who fall apart deal with the loss alot better. All I can suggest to those left behind is fall apart if you have to, break into a million pieces if it feels right.
Do whatever you feel needs to be done. No one should be forced to air their grief in any particular way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Nice post Gala and to V. I am so sorry for your loss.
When l was ten, my best friend died. We were at the school swimming carnival, and she had a blood clot in the brain. She died right in front of us.
All of her friends wrote, draw, or sang a song for her. Her parents put our letters in her grave with her ashes.
I often wonder what she would be doing if she was still here, and what she would think of me today.
I’m so sorry V for your loss. Try to remember how she lived, not how she died.
Gala, and Sophie, thank you very much. This article was written with the greatest sensitivity and honesty.
V, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss.
I’ve delt with suicide first hand as my dad commited suicide when I was 9. I was angry for a really really long time, infact most of my life until I confided in one of my closest family friends who had been in my shoes and my dads.
She told me that it was one of the most definative, sad and lonley conclutions to commit that act that a person could ever make. And to be in that state of mind, to accept this is the end and there is no going back, is something that most will never know.
That explaination somehow tapped into me and my anger evaporated. I relised that maybe he thought of it as a selfless act. Although could never fully comprehend it, it made me aware of some of the notions from the other side. It stopped me from thinking of him as selfish and remember all the good times and memories that we did have.
Saying that my biggest piece of advice is to talk to someone. Preferably someone a little older, wise and with loads of personal experience. You don’t have to deal with it alone.
My boyfriend’s dad killed himself two weeks ago. This post meant a lot.
Dealing with death, and especially suicide, is probably the hardest thing anyone could do. When my boyfriend died in a car accident, I watched a lot of movies.
One of them was What Dreams May Come, and it is the saddest but also the most hopeful movie I have ever seen. It was never very popular, maybe you have to have had first-hand experience with death to enjoy it, and even then you will not enjoy it as you would another movie. Its depiction of the afterlife helped me build, in my mind, an afterlife for my boyfriend, and it was easier to imagine him in that afterlife, than to just think of him being dead, in a dark limbo of some sort. There was another movie recently that sort of brought my healing circle to a close: The Fountain.
I also listened to a lot of songs that spoke of death, because I couldn’t find a way to release my own emotions, and it seemed to me some of the songs could do it for me.
These movies and songs helped because I couldn’t come up with my own way to cope, and they offered me a new vision. I’m sure there’s a movie, a book, a song, or a piece of art out there for everyone dealing with death and suicide.
in 2006 we had three people commit suicide at my school, two of them were good friends with most of my circle of friends even though i didn’t really know either of them (although one was in my year).
Also, you probably heard about the Carly Ryan murder last year (it happened in horseshoe bay in SA), and she was also mutual friends with alot of people i know. Her death effected me greatly, even though I didn’t know her. If i had stuck with that scene I would’ve known her, and it was so scary to see so many of my friends being hounded by the media and so upset.
today is her birthday and she would have been 16. I’m crying now just thinking about the life that was lost of such an amazing and beautiful girl who was loved by many.
I give my heart to anyone who has been affected by suicide in any way.
I’ve lost two acquaintances in the past year from suicide and a third from an accidental overdose. While I wasn’t really close friends with them, I was surprised at how upset I was at their deaths. I’m not the most emotional or demonstrative person, and grieving has never been easy for me. I haven’t grieved for them properly and even now, months later, the grief still blindsides me. I can’t believe such amazing people could just be gone, just like that.
Thankyou for sharing some insights about this difficult and often taboo subject.
I have read many articles and blogs on suicide. Last year my sisters friend committed suicide and then a few months later my mothers co worker followed suit. It was heartbreaking to watch them suffer over people I had never known and feel helpless to make the pain stop!
I tried to find everything I could to help and so many of the articles where about how suicide is not a good answer and the really bad ones were about hell and consequences of the act itself not how to handle the aftermath. I only with this article was written 6-8 months ago!
Thank you
When I was growing up, I was (and still am) the “stable” one that all my friends came to with their problems. I’v stood beside friends as they dealt with bulima, anorixia, suicide attempts, rape, over doses. At one time, I was a regular at the ‘special’ ward at the hospital and alot of the nurses knew me by name. Now alot of them I don’t talk to as we have gone seperate ways etc.
I think the only reason I didn’t cave myself, was my ability to a. cry b.talk c. exersize (I was training 3x a day for rowing at the worst of it which gave me a physical realise from my emotions)
Embrace the pain, go out and enjoy yourself without feeling guilty, remember your friend / loved one, do something crazy that they would have loved doing, dont be scared to cry and most importantly learn from them!
Gala & Sophie – THANK YOU for writing this. Suicide seems like the only way out for alot of people and they dont realise how many people it will effect!
V. – I’m thinking of you (and sending virtual hugs)
One thing I would want to add is to be aware of what the family has chosen to tell any younger children, and respect their wishes.
My grandfather committed suicide when I was nine years old. That afternoon, when we found out, I ended up in the car with my father for a drive through rush hour traffic to my grandmother’s house, because we didn’t want her to be alone on Shabbas after that. Naturally, because my father was calling people from the car, I had to know what had happened.
My parents did not tell my seven year old brother how our grandfather died until he was older. My aunt and uncle, as far as I know, never told my cousins, then aged eleven, nine, and six, how he actually died. To this day, I’m not sure if they know.
But you have to respect the family’s wishes. A young child might not be able to understand suicide yet, and the family might not want to make the child face it yet. Anyone who encounters suicide must remain aware of that.
I’m an only child and I lost both my parents in a car accident, a little over a year ago (the week after my 18th birthday). They were in Kenya at the time, and I was home in Australia. I didn’t get much closure, and I was angry for a long time but I can talk about them now without feeling like I’ll break down and cry. But you never stop missing someone you love, especially if they seemed to be the only ones who understood you.
I also lost a friend to suicide last week, he was terminally ill, and he had romantic feelings for me which I didn’t return. Since his death, his mother and brother have e-mailed me saying it was my fault he took his own life.
V, I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you, Gala and Sophie. I can’t help but wish you two had written this when I needed to figure out how to cope =]
Thank you so much, Gala and Sophie. Beautifully done and helpful as well.
Jessabelle; That situation is always horrible. I had a good friend kill himself because of feelings he had which I didn’t return (he had allot of other things going on in his life, but straw that broke the camels back and all that). His mother blamed me, and I blamed myself for a long time. But then I forced myself to look at the whole situation and realize that it was easier to blame myself, because then at least there was a reason. But there isn’t. I did all I could to help him deal with his depression, and sometimes you have to understand that they got to a place that you will (hopefully) never understand.
I will also add that you will most likely take your grief out on those that are closest to you, who are trying to help. They will most likely understand this, but don’t forget to say you’re sorry and thank them when you feel able.
-Tove
This was a very different type of article on suicide. Really, I agree with everyone else who said it was “tasteful” and done justice to the subject.
As someone who’s had a little bit of experience on the subject, suicide is slightly selfish. When you’re so low, and just don’t ever see yourself getting back up again, it’s definitively not to hurt people around you. I was at a similar place, and I understood just how much I loved my family and friends, but I was stuck in such a thick fog of hate for myself, I didn’t want them to feel that pain either.
It’s so difficult for most people to talk about, too. I’m sorry if I sound like I’m unable to articulate what I’m trying to say. I find though, that when you’re affected by suicide, all you need is just love or human emotion. Not to be smothered by people’s words.
My thoughts and love is with all those who have been affected by suicide.
This is an amazing post, thank you Gala and Sophie for taking the time to help a lot of people. I feel suicide and death is such an important thing for us to talk about, to be able to make sense of it, to understand it and finally to be able to come to terms with it. Your advice is brilliant xx
V. My thoughts are with you also xx
I recently read a book, Thirteen Reasons Why, that I ended up donating at my library to all teenagers. I won’t forget this book for a really really long time.
http://www.amazon.com/Thirteen-Reasons-Why-Jay-Asher/dp/1595141715/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1201829530&sr=8-1
My mom has been suffering from Lyme’s disease and severe neuropathy and nerve damage for almost a year now. She has never been emotionally stable; she was hospitalized for two months after my older sister was born due to post-partum psychosis. Now that my mom is sick again, she has become extremely depressed. I am a sixteen year old girl. I wake up in the morning and she’s sleeping. I come home from school in the afternoon and she’s sleeping. The few times she is awake, she talks about how she can’t handle the pain anymore—it’s all she can ever think about. I feel like she could commit suicide any day. It’s almost becoming an inevitable occurance in my mind. I don’t know what I would do without my mom but I can’t stand living with her like this either. I may be a horrible person but she is just in so much pain. It’s like she has nothing to live for anymore.
V. i’m so sorry for your loss. Gala and Sophie: This has been a very helpful article. My heart and my thoughts go out to anyone who has been affected by suicide. Lots of love bek xx
Yes, sincere sympathy on your loss.
New convention in the print media of which I approve is to print the names and contact details for various organisations such as:
If you need to talk to someone
LIFELINE 13 11 14
Relationships Australia…
Beyond Blue
Thank you so very, very much for writing this article. I lost a friend to suicide two months ago. It came as a huge shock, and I’m still recovering. This comes as a great help. Thank you again.
This is among your top best posts (which is saying a lot), thank you for putting it out there. I like that you had Sophie put in her advice.
While nobody in my circle has committed suicide, I had a couple of friends who came awfully close. I’m glad that you put this in:
“There is no good reason for someone to kill themselves. They do it because they cannot see any good ever happening in their life again. People who try to or do commit suicide honestly see it as the only way to end their pain. They don’t stop to think about the pain they’ll cause those who love them, and, in fact, often they think other people’s lives will be better without them. They don’t pause and ponder the possibility that if they’ve reached bottom, they can only climb back up.”
I’ve done most of those things and it has slowly helped me get over my godmother’s death. It has been 8 years and I still miss her a lot… but I know I’ll eventually get to meet her again :)
Thank you so much for writing this!
I have been very fortunate that no one I know has committed suicide, but I have lost many loved ones. The worst was when I lost my best friend who was also my roommate. She was in a car accident on the way to work and died instantly. That was last March and I’m still grieving heavily. I wrote about it a bit recently on All About Appearances because I know that’s a big reason why I gained 20 pounds this year. But what you said, I think it will help me as I still try to get through this.
Thankyou Gala.
gala, you have a gift. this article is amazing, really sensitive. though i have fortunately had no experience in this area, i think that this is the most respectful and reasonable article on a sensitive and tragic subject that i have ever seen.
To Gala and Sophie: Thank you so, so much for your wise and amazing words. This is exactly what I needed during this really, really shitty time.
To my fellow readers: You have no idea how much your support means. Thank you all, bless you all.
I am printing out this article and taping it to my mirror, so I can see it every day.
Thank you so much for this article. A close friend of mine had a friend who committed suicide, and I haven’t really been able to comprehend how to help her because i had no idea what she was going through. This article helped me understand it a little bit better, and I would like to sincerely thank you.
Hi everyone! This is the first time I have been to this site and I just wanted to say thank you. In less than a year, my family has been devastated by suicide twice and I’m pretty pissed off right now. My sister lost her brother-in-law about 2 weeks ago while my other sister lost her husband last May. Everyone in the family is affected by what has happened and it really sucks that I’m in California while 1 sister is in Texas and the other is in Ohio. But I am sending the address of this site to both of them in the hopes that they will not feel alone and that the inspiring stories of others’ pain will somehow help to ease their own. My heart goes out to all of you who have had to suffer through this horrible, debilitating experience and I pray that we all find peace and solice in the people we love that are still with us today.
Hi. Interesting article. I particularly appreciate you including all the questions people have after a suicide:
“Did I miss something?”
“Was there a cry for help, and I was deaf to it?”
“Could I have been more supportive?”
“Was I unnecessarily harsh or flippant or indifferent about so-and-so’s breakup/job situation/family problems?”
“Was it my fault?”
I’ll be sure to include these in my note if I go through with it.
Yes, that’s right, I’m very close to pulling the trigger so to speak. There is pretty much nothing anyone can do at this point to help me, and I don’t even want it; I’m looking forward to the end. The reason I am posting, though, is to take issue with this:
“They don’t stop to think about the pain they’ll cause those who love them, and, in fact, often they think other people’s lives will be better without them.”
This couldn’t be further from the truth. I asked myself if I’d want someone I cared for to continue living and suffering like I am just to spare me pain, and I concluded no, I most certainly would not. I would respect their final wish in life. Hopefully my family will as well, but I can’t let that stop me from doing what’s right for me.
Chiyo-chan, I wonder if you are watching this page to see if anyone responds. It was a real coincidence that I saw it, the most recent comments box in the sidebar changes so fast I’m not sure anyone else would’ve seen it. I don’t even know if you are for real but feel like I should respond.
You are forgetting, or perhaps disbelieving, the most important thing: you will feel better one day. That’s why it’s so hard for the survivors — we can see it clear as anything. Time heals absolutely everything. No exceptions. The only thing that is true in life is that everything changes. What feels unbearable today, will not in six months or a year or two years. Such a small percentage of a long life. That’s why it’s so devastating when someone suicides. If they could only have waited, gritted their teeth and squeezed their eyes shut and pulled the covers over their head for as long as they needed, it would have eased up, they would have felt better eventually. It sucks to see that so clearly and know their loved one was being so short-sighted when they gave up.