Ending Friendships
[ 12 October 2007 ]
I recently read It’s Not Me, It’s You, a piece on ending friendships. It is more a collection of snippets on one subject than an article, but definitely food for thought.
In the piece, they talk about the two ways of ending friendships — “quick & dirty” versus the passive-aggressive approach. The quick & dirty approach is where you tell your soon-to-be-ex friend why you don’t want to associate with them anymore, & cut it off. The passive-aggressive approach is where you start to bail on appointments but promise to see them in the future… & then just “forget” to return phonecalls until your friend — who has no idea what’s going on — finally gives up.
Can I make a stand & ask for people to always cull their friendships in the quick & dirty way? Please?
When I moved to Melbourne, I made a friend. She was fun & cute & I saw her quite regularly, even though she lived quite a long way out of the city. We would go out & have a great time. We had an instant connection when we met, which meant we could speak to one another really easily. I was delighted. Anyway, a couple of months ago, I realised she hadn’t replied to one of my emails, so I wrote her another one, asking how things were & that I hoped everything was going well. After I sent it, I realised that she & her boyfriend had planned to go overseas on a holiday, & maybe that was why she wasn’t replying.
I still hadn’t heard anything about three weeks later, & I was kind of worried. I emailed her again, saying I thought maybe she had been on holiday. I asked how it was & said that I would love to see her at a party I was having. She replied, saying that yes, she had been on holiday but had caught a tropical flu & so she couldn’t come to my party, but as soon as she was well again, she would take me to lunch.
I was totally relieved but you know what? Since then I haven’t heard a thing. Not a peep. Not for lack of trying, either — I have emailed, called & texted the girl a few times since then, but nothing.
Of course, this is deeply hurtful & confusing. What did I do? Did I somehow offend her? Was I too narcissistic? Did I have continual bad breath & she decided she couldn’t cope? Did she think I was interested in her boyfriend? Did she think I was using her in some way? Was I too boring? Too weird? It goes on & on. I don’t think I will ever know, & quite frankly, that sucks.
The thing is, I have sat next to this girl while she watched her phone ring, fretting about how she didn’t want to answer it. She had “friends” she didn’t like, she told me, & so she would just avoid their calls & hoped they’d go away. It made her very uncomfortable & she worried about it all the time. I remember finding her weird coping strategy kind of amusing at the time. Ha! Who knew that one day I would be on the receiving end of that treatment?! But it occurs to me, that until she faces up to her problem — whatever it is — this will keep happening to her. She will continue to make friends & then cast them off without a word, & have to face the trauma of ignoring & avoiding them until they get the message. It boggles my mind. Why make your life that difficult?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on ending friendships. I strongly believe that honesty is the best policy. If you have a problem with someone — maybe they have terrible table manners or their boyfriend is insufferable — why not tell them so they have the opportunity to remedy what you find so offensive? I know some people avoid confrontation, but really, I think that doing it any other way is cruel & unnecessarily awkward. Am I wrong? Let me know!
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala 
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It seems pretty rare to have a very good friendship that suddenly requires the need to be cut off in some way. I usually say what’s on my mind.. that I need some space.. without having to cut them off completely, just in case it really WAS me.
There has been a time when I had a friend who liked me a lot but would be drunk so often and get on my nerves. I told him to chill out a bit and had a talk with him and he backed off a little. I still see him now and again and things aren’t so intense. Not so sure about ‘dirty’ but I think tact is verrry important because harming someone’s ego causing them to act on the defense and resent you will perhaps backfire in some way.
I’m guilty of using the passive-aggressive approach. I KNOW it’s wrong and I feel very mean and heartless doing it that way. But the reasons for which I do this is usually because I’d rather be considered a bitch by my ex-friend than to have them change for what I find “annoying”! For example, my ex-friend had gone on to obsess for a whole year about this guy who had made it clear to her he wasn’t all that interested (even though they’d sleep together). Everytime she’d ask to give my 2 cent, she’d ignore it! I’d tell her it isn’t healthy for her, to go on dates to forget about him, I’d listen to her, to the point where she was calling me on a daily basic at work for advice she would disregard. She made a scene about him on my birthday, crying all night, drunk. She’d apologize and right then I didn’t care. She couldn’t break away of that pattern and so I slowly pulled myself out of our friendship just because it was getting me depressed (her problems becoming mine). She’s a great girl though. I just think I wasn’t suited for her problems. But you’re right! There’s no other way than the quick & dirty approach. I wish I had more heart to do it.
food for thought indeed!
i’ve actually read somewhere that when you end a relationship with a friend, particularly someone who was your BFF, other friends, as well as your family, find it harder to deal with it/accept it than if you were to break-up with a partner. i suppose it’s because you naturally assume that girlfriends come and go but friends are forever and all that, and it is quite weird if you step back and look at it.
but much like bad relationships, you shouldn’t really be staying in a bad friendship, it’ll just make you unhappy.
/essay.
sorry, that was a bit longer than usual :)
In my experience, I either have very good friends who stay my friends for years and years, or I have situational friends. What tends to happen with situational friends is that you bond over a temporary commonality, and then when you no longer share that common bond, you drift apart. I don’t think I’ve ever had to avoid a phone call, and neither have I had to turn around to someone and tell them the friendship is off. Usually they just end at their natural conclusion.
As for your former friend, it sounds as though she’s the one with the problem. Some people seem to thrive on drama, and will continually create problems for themselves. Not worth worrying over, my love.
People show you exactly who they are very quickly.
When they display their bad behaviour towards others so that you can see it, on some level they’re giving themselves permission to do it to you: after all, they did warn you…
I’m sorry to hear about your experience with the fake friend. Everyone learns this stuff the hard way, unfortunately!
What a topic for me right now…
Right now I’m kind of worried that one of my best friends from home is pulling that passive-aggressive thing on me. She doesn’t return phone calls, answer emails, etc, and when piss drunk over the weekend I called her boyfriend (who I’m friends with) and basically cried to him about it. He claims that there’s nothing going on, that she’s just really busy, but I don’t know what to think. I’ve always been one for the quick-and-dirty way when I need to cut off a friendship, but no one ever seems to give me that courtesy. I wish they would.
I had to end a friendship recently the “silent treatment” way. It was painful because I was very, very close friends with this person, and had been for several years. We got along really well at first, but then I started noticing how passive-aggressive they were, and how I always felt like I was being made to submit to their ideas, wants, etc. Not to mention I felt a deep sense that both of us were competing against each other creatively (a sure kill-joy when it came to my artwork!). It was stifling and I needed out.
Now, it didn’t end well, because honestly at the time I was going through a time of deep depression and was having a hard time handling life. But this person also didn’t ever react well to confrontational situations. So in the end, I just had to stop replying to emails, phone calls, etc. And slowly just put distance between us. I regret that I did it that way, but in many ways (and after talking to several people who are close to the situation), there wasn’t a whole lot of options otherwise. I’ve found that unfortunately some people are so difficult to brooch subjects of discomfort with (especially when it has to do with them), that it is better to let “sleeping dogs lie” and not get into a big drama over!!
Honestly, there have been few friendships I’ve been engaged in that haven’t ended that way. A lot of people have done it to me, but in all honesty (because I don’t believe in any situation it’s “all them and not me!”), I have too. I think being able to sit someone down and work through a problem or issue you’re having with them is a sign of maturity. Its something I’ve been learning over the past month as my “boyfriend” (we’re no longer dating, but not broken up… not sure what you call that!) and I have been doing a lot of talking through issues that have been bothering us. I couldn’t have done that even a year ago.
I do hope that the past has taught me a better way to handle end of friendships in the future. Because, like you, I know and see the bewilderment of wondering “what the heck have I done?!”, and feel that in many cases I was just avoiding possibly hurting that person’s feelings. Sometimes the truth hurts, but if someone is mature and open to opinions, they’ll hopefully understand and take your exit gracefully. :)
My golly—this was a looong comment! Sorry! Its just something I’ve been dealing with a lot the past few years and is close to my heart. :)
Hope you have a lovely day, Gala! :)
I’m an honest believer in the “dirty” method – quick might be painful, but less-so in the long run.
I had a ‘best’ friend for many years, until one day through the grapevine she was told that I had said some unkind things about her, which I had never spoken. I thought she’d have known that if I had a problem I’d say it to her face, but she never even had the decency to ask me if it was true. One day we were best friends; the next, utter enemies. And from then on, I was the bad guy, all because she trusted someone else over her best friend.
Long story short, and cliched as it may be, honesty is always the best policy.
I’ve done both, & there have been situations that warrant both occasionally. Something to add in my case, though, is that I’m that friend who is bad at using the telephone/being proactively social. Friends who know this are aware they must consistently reach out to me – I love them for it! I’m great at using the internet to make plans (it’s just that darn phone) so will try to reach out to people through that process so no one thinks I’m being snobby or passive-aggressive. If you have a hunch you have a friend like this, talk to them about it! I’ve explained it to my friends—-the understanding ones stick around.
Zoe — Oh yes, tact is very important. But there is definitely a constructive way to go about it. Like, “Hey, I really don’t mean to offend you, but sometimes when you ______ I feel like ______.” Ahhh well!
Kitty — Some people you just need to get away from, I understand that. & there are some people who just can’t take criticism at all, which is quite frustrating. Your ex-friend sounds like a bit of a party pooper!
nico — Hmm, interesting. I didn’t know this girl for long but I felt that the friendship was kinda significant because we got along really well & she was really the first friend I made here. Blah!
amy — Yes, good point. Most friendships just end naturally, especially if you move country or both have boyfriends & your lives start to change. But the silence thing! It is so frustrating! Thank you, though :>
Sara from The Bargain Queen — Very deep, Kemo Sabe! You’re totally right. I’ll keep that in mind for the future!
Rachel — That sucks. My advice would be to cut your losses & stop trying to initiate contact. It just adds to the hurt, you might as well get on with your life. If she wants to come back to you, she will. I feel your pain though, I’m so sorry!
Casey — You’re right that some people are hard to talk to when you have a problem with them, but even then I still think there is value in it. They can choose to take your commentary on board or not, at least they have the knowledge! I like to think I respond to constructive criticism pretty well, so it’s even worse. Yuck!
Laura — I’m sorry that happened to you, how awful. It’s so easy for things to get distorted. I really wish everyone was much more honest with one another. Not rudeness in the guise of being honest, but actual honesty, the sort that is considered & helpful & tactful. The world would be a much better place.
allison — I think a lot of people are like that these days! I barely ever talk on the phone anymore, only with my parents really. The internet is naughty like that! It’s good that you can explain that to your friends, though!
The best reason to end a friendship the quick_and_dirty way is that it will prevent other friends from thinking you’re trying to blow them off when you really are just busy, flaky, forgetful, etc.
Because I work in the film industry where I sometimes have to work 12-15 hour days for weeks on end, then have a month completely free, then disappear again, I’ve had a lot of situations where I was worried I’d lost a friend because I’d had to flake on her or him multiple times over a few months. If “friend breakups” were the trend, I wouldn’t have to worry so much about that.
Ugh.
When it comes to things like this, I am definitely a practicing advocate of the ‘brutally honest’ approach. The trick is to remain tactful and to the point, without being hurtful. Unfortunately, I like to be very honest with everyone and it seems while men find it refreshing and are appreciative of this, women think I’m being bitchy and catty.
Whilst I’d say your situation is horrible for anyone to go through, just remind yourself that it’s her that’s missing out on your friendship – you don’t need to be lugging around someone else’s idiosyncrasies and wondering when they’ll reciprocate your feeling of friendship. I’d say to definitely let her know how you feel (easier said that done by the sounds of it! she sounds like she doesn’t want to be contacted) but move on. Walk away and know that you tried and tried again, but she missed out!
Also, I’m finding at the age of 26 that it’s getting harder to make new friends and maintain these friendships when the other person doesn’t think the same of you as you do them… This is the time of my life that I’m realising it’s harder to share common values with friends when I’m already into that next stage of life (ie. marriage and home deposits).
Aaah!
P
x
Thanks for writing this! I’ve been in this situation before (on the “ignored” end, that is) and it SUCKS. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves when someone blatantly ignores me, I’d prefer that they were brutally honest about why they prefer not to associate w/ me any longer, it provides closure, and I’ll respect someone more if they’re ballsy enough to just confront me. It hurts a lot more to be ignored, to me it shows a complete lack of respect for someone’s time and feelings.
If someone annoys me, I have no other option but to ignore them until they take the hint. If someone is horrible to me, I ignore them until I get an apology.
I’m very passive agressive about ending friendships, because most of the time, there’s really nothing WRONG with the person…it’s just that they aren’t on the top of my list of people to hang out with. Sometimes they were important at the time they came into my life, but things have since changed. Sometimes we just don’t have anything in common anymore. It’s easier to avoid than say “I don’t want to be your friend anymore because ‘X’” Sometimes there just isn’t a reason. They’re just not a priority anymore, and it doesn’t mean I just want to burn a bridge.
Does that make sense?
I gave the quick & dirty to a friend a year or so ago. I didn’t like the way she gossiped about her friends. I like to gossip as much as the next person, but not about /my friends/. I figured she was saying nasty things about me too, and didn’t appreciate the things she said about a mutual friend. I tried the passive first, then she kept asking, “Why don’t we hang out anymore?” So I wrote her a very heartfelt email, telling her the things I like about her and the thing I don’t. I told her my feelings, and tried to be as unoffensive and gentle as I could. Honestly! It was a difficult thing to write! She, being the kind of insecure person who needs to gossip about her friends, wrote me a very nasty and insulting email in return. I answered just to say I only wanted to answer her question and was sorry I did. I honestly hoped the feedback would help her, but I think it only hurt her. She was very defensive/offensive in her email and said I couldn’t appreciate her sense of humor.
Whatever…
I’m so glad she’s out of my life now!
i agree with stephanie and amy:
“I either have very good friends who stay my friends for years and years, or I have situational friends. What tends to happen with situational friends is that you bond over a temporary commonality, and then when you no longer share that common bond, you drift apart.”
“most of the time, there’s really nothing WRONG with the person…it’s just that they aren’t on the top of my list of people to hang out with”
i think in the situation with your friend it might have a lot to do with the distance— i have a lot of “friends” who are the situational type, who i love very dearly and enjoy spending time with when they are around, but i am not close enough (geography-wise or emotionally) with them to make the effort to be around them. and i think that is why a lot of friendships end passive-agressively; because neither party really WANTS the relationship to end, it just does!
I’ve also yet to make any real friends in NYC (been here since February!) and am horribly sad to find that the older you get, the farther away your best friends end up! (Georgia, Florida, Boston, Los Angeles, and New Zealand!!)
I can say that at the moment I have been dealing with this big time. I have just moved back from being overseas for a year and in the month it has been hard know that some people just used me for their own entertainment purposes.
I can also say that I come under the catorgory of being over naive or hopefull that maybe the person in question has another reason or will aventully come around again. Often resulting in me being there for someone when they didn’t really deserve it in the first place. Even when I do know something that that they have done wrong to me I often don’t say anything in fear that they will hate me!
Arg! This makes me look so lonley! But I am not I swear I have loads of awesome friends who I am assertive with! I don’t like the idea that I am not on top of people who someone wants hang out with when they are on top of mine. This is making me sooooo mad x
This happened to me a while ago. I have a friend, my best friend, with whom I have passed through lots of difficult and amazing things; I really love her, and we always managed to hang out together, despite the fact that I’m in college and that we both have boyfriends. But recently, when I really needed her, she started to “forget” about our meetings, to call me, chating…I insisted, but she seemed to be too buzy with her other friends. It made me so sad :(, she didn’t seem to have reasons!
Well, fortunatly last weekend she appeared in my house and we talked for hours. I’m still afraid that she’s just sad about me, but not interested..
What a dilemma! Personally I would NEVER do the quick-and-dirty, because who knows when and where that person is going to recur in your life again? They’ll marry your brother or your boss, or one day their son will be your daughter’s boyfriend . . . (Yes, I live in a small town in a small country!) You Never Know. But on the other hand I would never do passive-aggressive either. Be honest. Either you are going to catch up with them or you aren’t – DON’T make plans to do so if you aren’t going to follow through.
I have had a lot of friends come and go through different phases of my life (school, study, work, parenting), and I am not all that fantastic at staying in touch with people that I am no longer in regular proximity to – but a lot of us are like that! I’ve also done falling-out-with-people (sigh), and the thing there is to “be professional” and always smile and say hi, even if one or both of us is hurt or annoyed and the friendship is well and truly in remission! Life is too short for feuds.
I think it depends on how close the friendship is… sometimes, I have had people I have only just met constantly try and contact me via phone, text, email, what have you, and I do tend to then take the passive approach of ignoring them and hoping they will go away.
If it involves a close friend or someone I actually care about (as opposed to a semi-interesting acquaintance), then I talk to them about it. I think you have to, if you respect your history together. And in my experience, friendships usually become stronger after these kinds of confrontations, if both people are willing to change a little.
There’s the third way (that my ex-roommate used) which is so extremely passive aggressive that I didn’t know anything was wrong until she threatend to call the police and get a restraining order. Apparently she was afraid of me, but did nothing to let me know. Not even have an RA talk to me about it. Now I’m carrying around so much anger towards her, and I don’t want it anymore. We were never “best friends”, I don’t really have any female friends I trust. Pretty much for the very same reasons as this girl: any girl I become close friends with decides to use me and then dump me. So, my boyfriend is my best friend. =D
When it comes to it, I usually end a friendship in the quick and dirty way. Another “friend”, who was using me to help her through a math course, really hurt a close guy friend and I let her know what kind of person she was. She didn’t like the truth and has badmouthed me ever since. There are about 3/4 girls who I’ve dealt with in the same way.
But then with my best friend, since we were 2 years old, it was the kind of forget about each other. We lost contact in high school and recently I got her phone number and talked to her. Our lives are so completely different now, that I don’t know if I want to be friends anymore. She has 2 kids, married young, a big house but a secretary job. I’m graduating college, have no kids, not married, and building a career.
I’ve never really had that many friends.
I admit I’ve done both. I once sent an email to a friend who I simply could not bare to be around anymore as she was so negative and controlling. I miss her still (it’s been 6 years) but it was the right thing to do.
I’ve actually done the whole “yeah I’ll call you” trick recently to someone who always valued our friendship way more than it actually was and would pretty much emotionally blackmail me with loaded questions, tears and heavy guilt trips.
Both friendships were foundamentally flawed. A true friend is someone who you can tell and hear the brutal, ugly, harsh truth and still love and be loved dearly.
Thanks for that link, there’s more good stuff linked from that post.
I live really far away from all my good friends. Some of the friendships are surviving and others are not. It’s not always about being passive-aggressive, often it’s that people get busy and take their friends for granted.
Its great when you have those friendships that ‘just pick right up where we left off’ — but you’ve still missed out on great chunks in your friend’s life, and there is some resentment and/or emotional distance that builds up when people aren’t there when you need them.
I’m still hoping one of my best friends and I will one day be close again, after a big falling out. Losing a great friend is easily as bad as a broken heart. Actually, it IS broken heart.
UGH!!!! I completely agree with everything you’ve said and it bugs me so much when I see people doing that!!!
A co-worker of mine tried to drop a friend using the passive-aggressive technique but the worst part was that every time her friend almost got the message, she’d give in and go to coffee with the friend. Which only served to remind her how much she disliked this friend in the first place all the while sending mixed messages.
So cruel and unnecessary!!
I am waaaay on the down low with Sarah from the BQ. There’s a lady who has some smarts right there.
I’ll also throw this perspective in – when people persist in these (frankly immature and manipulative) behaviours, it’s because of something they’re getting out of it.
So, let’s ignore that your friend professed to feel worried and anxious about all these people persisting in contacting her (in reality continuing to go about maintaining a friendship). What she gets out of it is the feeling of being constantly in demand, and the feeling of not coping with how in-demand she is is in elaborate and covert method of stroking her ego without taking the risk of having to engage in a long term friendship and thereby grow as a person.
Sadly this implies that her friendship with you was never anything special on her part – she just needed more grist to feed through her narcistic mill. Look at in terms of chronic serial monogamists – they’re always lining up the next one as they leave the last, and however they claim the next one is THE one they’re over them in a blink when it’s time to run.
The even sadder thing is that you’re left wondering if you were the one at fault – but I know you well enough to know you can easily work out that’s not true.
Oh yeah, better a few true friends any day.
Ooooh it really does hurt and suck to be on the recieving end of the ugly treatment. But it also sucks to be the one doing the friend dumping. It would be so much easier if you could just dump a friend like you would dump a boyfriend sometimes – talk about it, have a cry and then move on.
I like to let my friends know whats pissing me off about our friendship/them/me as things go. No point in letting it all build up! That way, if you do need to snip snip them at least they will (or should) already know why and whats going on because you’ve already been honest with them and it won’t be such a surprise.
Honesty is great. (although it does get me in trouble quite often). I think I need a little more tactful honesty!
Great topic Gala!
I’ve done this both ways too, and have been “dumped” by friends as well, but honestly I’ve never been as hurt and offended as some of the ladies report here. I’m a big believer in letting relationships ebb and flow naturally – people just grow apart, from high school to college, from college to the “real world”, and beyond. I don’t resent that an individual chooses not to associate with me anymore, I just accept that things have changed in her life and perhaps in mine too. I also have a job that leads me to associate with lots of people daily, and I have a lot of casual professional acquaintances and also friends I’ve worked with for years. At times it can be really draining, actually, to associate with so many people, and I’ve broken off casual friendships just because I had no time to myself and felt too drained to care about my own well-being. It had nothing to do with the person, just my own position in life. Overall, I think the tendency to jump to the “it’s all about me!” conclusion when a friendship begins to weaken is probably the wrong first response – it leads to hurt feelings and jealousy which may or may not be warranted. Just accept that this cool person that you previously associated with has had to move on, that you valued the friendship while it lasted, and that you will meet cool new people in your future!
oh wow… this subject is something that everyone has a lot to say about!
i like to be honest with my friends as much as possible, but there are often reasons why you cannot tell someone the truth – for example, a friend of mine got a girlfriend and she makes him REALLY happy. i mean REALLY happy. but the problem is that she hates all of his friends, including me! so, being a friend to him i don’t want to ‘insult’ his girlfriend and cause him to dislike me for that. naturally, we stopped hanging out as often and now we haven’t so much as spoken in a few months.
the moral dilemma: do i tell him that his girlfriend is making him lose all of his friends, or do i simply let it play out and hope that he realizes the connection?
i’ll always be this guys’ friend, but that damned girlfriend! complications!
Gala, I was going to take your advice and just not worry about it… And then she called me this afternoon :)
It’s amazing how much happier I become just from a twenty minute phone call with my best friend from home, talking about how we’re going to make sure we see each other when I’m home even though she has travel plans when I’m on vacation.
I totally agree. I believe in the good in people and that most of the hurtful things that people do are unintentional. But if you never tell them that what they are doing is upsetting you then they will never know nor have the chance to remedy the situation. And vice versa. Although I haven’t ever actually needed to end a friendship because I am lucky enough to have friends that don’t piss me off! :-)
there is no easy way to say goodbye to friend,
But i find A LOT of people are rude enough just to stop talking …they talk and hang out for a few weeks,maybe months if you are lucky even years then all of sudden bam…nothing.
i could get into details but i have left most of those people for dust…maybe i really do take after my father
“people either love us or hate us”
no in between
Marie – I LOVE your comment!
I agree with you.
Honesty is the best policy.
My best friend and I always tell each other what is bothering us and although many times we end up not talking to the other for a long time we just say sorry and remedy that problem together.
I just don’t like not telling people things to their face. I’m not good at that.
I think that it’s best that someone tells you why they don’t like you than just stop talking to you altogether.
Honestly, sometimes the quick and dirty doesn’t happen because it’s not that black and white.
I’ve had a couple of excellent friends from high school and we were BFFs before the term became popular culture and it’s like “where are they now”?
To tell you the truth, I don’t know, we lost our connection, our interests shifted and for a couple of years we did the effort of going out having dinner and coffee and meeting and still the spark was gone, we stared at each other for minutes that seemed like hours with no clue what to say to one another we had become two completely different people that couldn’t connect.
I was invited to birthdays and parties where the crowd just didn’t please me at all and they weren’t bad people, just didn’t share any common interest in what I liked and I felt as if we were forcing conversation rather than being sociable and enjoyable, it was a nightmare I swore never to go through again.
So gradually we became apart. I’m sure if I bump into them I’ll love to know how they’re doing, how are things, but it’s something that can be summed up in a 15 minute conversation.
Do they think I’m a lousy friend? They might, it’s a matter of perspective.
It’s nothing like the case you described, but it’s not a “I don’t like you anymore, or I don’t associate with you anymore”, putting a definite end on situations like I described above would probably be too harsh and left hard feelings, some of these friends remain in my memory and in my heart and sometimes I think of them fondly. It probably sounds childish or selfish, but that’s how I feel.
There’s always the other way around, a good friend of mine and I took opposite views on a said matter and for years we barely talked to one another except for the fact that I called and wished him a Happy Birthday. Recent events however made us cross paths again and our bond instantly appeared as if it never had disappeared before.
I reserve the quick way when someone happens that is beyond repair at the time and further association can only end in disaster and do it quite often too.
HI Gala
I haven’t read all the comments yet (they look interesting!). I agree, quick and dirty stops people wondering, and it requires at least a conversation where both of you know what is going on, and can perhaps vent some stuff, and even save the friendship, or alternatively not be left wondering. However many people cannot stand confrontation of any kind, and so never face up to what is going on, and wouldn’t dream of ever discussing anything unpleasant face to face – hence the p/a approach.
There is another possibility – the “going doggo”. Someone I know recommended this when I was having trouble with a friend and just not able to cope with the relationship for a while – I must admit it probably seemed p/a, but what was really happening was that I needed a break. I was extremely fragile, and couldn’t cope with aspects of their personality and behaviour. I didn’t want to lose the friendship, but needed space. Unfortunately, if this is not handled delicately, it can mean losing the friendship anyway, which is what happened. STrangely, the same thing happened with the person who suggested this approach – I was stressed out and fragile (hmm, common theme?), she was being v.arrogant, and i couldn’t cope with her. She asked if I was ignoring her, I said no, I was needing space from lots of people (true), then later I said I was finding our friendship difficult at the time… and it died. So, if it’s space a person needs, I recommend it’s handled sensitively, and it doesn’t go on too long, because I lost two people I probably didn’t want to lose, just because I needed space.
Great, thought provoking post. Thanks again Gala!
Jenn
its so weird caz i posted this the other day how great of an article it was. i enjoyed the read.
I personally am up front. I tell them what is bothering me, and if they cant step up the game :D haha i move on.
ohhh friendships! what a topic. i’m still a bit sad about a friendship that went toxic a couple of years ago for me… my friend did a sort of passive-aggressive/VERY AGGRESSIVE thing on me. it was horrible and made me feel terrible about myself. i did cut myself off from her, but she wasn’t attempting to contact me either so i guess it was quick but clean :)
i agree with Sara too – this friend of mine had acted horribly towards people before me, and then continued to treat people that way after me.
God, I completely agree. I have this problem with people who I KNOW are my friends, too. But I do give up, and I try not to give a crap about it anymore. I figure if they can’t even be bothered to write/call/whatever, they aren’t worth my time.
It’s much nicer to let someone know, even though it can sting. I figure if you end a friendship you should be honest but nice. Unless your friend is a jerk. Heh.
I can totally relate to your story gala. I recently had to do it with a friend of mine.
it was a bad relationship to begin with he put me through alot of shit in our first few stages of the friendship I’ll admit I did have a thing for him early on and he knew it and used it.
it was devestating becasue he really was my best friend. but when I moved here he completely cut me off and wanted nothing to do with me.
I hadn’t heard anything from him for two years and then saw him on ABC2 about two days ago doing a show. I sent him an email that basically said
“I need some closure
Good luck with everything, I know you’re doing well.
good bye.”
and that really helped me.
Finalising it in my head helped.
A while ago I had a really close friend, and then one day she moved schools without even telling me. She had built up a barrier between her and her friends (me included), and decided that she was being ignored, when in fact people were trying to talk to her but recieved one word answers. Then she started missing heaps of school, and got pissed off for me not calling her and asking what was wrong – this was after she decided not to talk to me! So then she did all this stuff trying to get me upset, like removing me from MySpace (which, although I hate to admit it, I found kinda funny), telling her other friends that I was a bitch and what not, and I haven’t spoken to her since.
My gain, in my opinion! I certainly don’t need people like her trying to create drama for me.
So I guess she used the half-subtle, half-aggressive way to end a friendship, huh. :P
This is definitely a subject I had to deal with not very long ago. I had a friend, whose life choices I disapproved with. But they were in no way harmful to me. She is just incredibly erratic and very self-centered. I kind of found it amusing, actually and we got along great. We are also both artists and when we worked together, there was great chemistry.
Well, her latest love-life choice could potentially harm me. She chose an ex-con to live with her (and her two teenage sons). My life at the moment is the kind where I can in no way be associated with anyone who has a recent record. It could really screw up my life. Not to even mention that I think she is putting her sons at risk, the crime for which the new boyfriend was convicted, is something I have serious problems with etc. Anyway, I had decided to pull the bandade off quickly! I had actually asked her to come over for coffee. And then I started getting the feedback from people who were privy to my plan. That in NO WAY should I do this! The ‘adult’ way is to phase out. The person, whose advice I respect the most, said that my ex-friend will simply think I consider myself to be better than her, and will feel resentful. I had never even thought of that! I thought, I would simply tell her why I could no longer associate with her, that it really is not her, it is me… I had a whole speech ready!But then I started thinking about her personality and indeed the advice was correct! She would think I considered myself to be high and mighty, would not want her to be happy, would be judging her life. So, she came over for coffee (it was too late to cancel) and I did nothing. Now I am keeping the contact to absolute minimum and dodge any plans. I HATE it! I wanted to have the quick and honest way out! I would have wanted someone to do the same for me! But apparently the way this is done is the least attractive way to me. This was my first encounter with something like that and it might be entirely due to my ex-friend’s personality that I cannot be honest with her.
breaking up with a friend can be too confronting for some ppl so they shy away and hope 4 the others will get the point. i had a good friend, who didnt even tell me that she was moving to Canada. she just disappeared. i texted her at first. no reply. i emailed her. no reply. i called her mobile, it was disconnected. i finally called her house and her sister told me she was in Canada. all tis time i was worried to death.
treat others like how u liked to treated is all i am saying. and GROW UP!
woah, i am actually experiencing this now. I had a friend, we were really close…we were a group of friends. then suddenly, she met these new “friends” which are my friends too but totally changed her into this something-i-don’t-know…
than i just stopped talking to her coz i don’t wanna be plastic…
I used the quick and dirty approach because I decided back in Year 11 that I didn’t want to backstab people. That if I found myself going down that route of talking behind a friend’s back obviously something was wrong. However that experience turned into a night of horror and ruined my 18th birthday when she and my former-best friend decided to get evil revenge…But then it was highschool.
I still stick with telling people I no longer want to be friends with them. Yes it hurts but I would much rather not be fake with them!
It’s turned out for the best as well because at least even though it was messy we all knew where we stood (we’re ok now and will deign conversation with each other on the odd occasions we meet). I highly recommend avoiding the passive approach at all costs!
I’ve also found that I’ve cultivated a nice group of extremely close friends this way. I can talk to them about anything, we never fight or bitch and I will cherish them forever.
Endeth the rant :p
My (former) bff…I dunno HOW exactly you’d describe the way she ended our friendship ended…
My boy and I had been together about a month and she kept running her mouth and saying all of these stupid smartass type things.(Like how me and my boy wouldn’t last very long blah blah blah.)(We’re still together thank you very much.) Then she went out of town because one of her relatives died. And when she came back, she just straight up started acting like she was 100x better than I was.(Because I had a boyfriend and she didn’t!) Then a few months later, after we graduated high school, we started talking. Then she wrote some nasty things about me in her blog. (All because I had gotten and job and sitll had a boyfriend!)
I came to realize that she wasn’t that great of a friend anyway, and I’m much better off without her in my life.
one of my old besties basically STOLE my Mongoose (expensive!) bike from me!He used me & then i moved o/seas where he put me thru a lot of stress by not arranging to give me my bike back, ignoring my contact etc and i finally just gave up. Next week I am flying home to get my bike back, just rock up to his house! & get it back because it’s rightfully mine!
since he found out im coming home he’s been making super effort to engage me in some time-spending and so i’m just gonna take it as it comes & not expect much.
i also recently made a ‘friend’ who turned out to be a total psycho, she got absolutely messed up, had a screaming match with another of our friends & later after going out, me & my boy tried everything to help her out or make her feel better but she totally shot us down even crying, complaining, ignoring us while in our house! totally ruining our night – and we’d only JUST met her once before that.
she never apologised for her behaviour – it was obvious she was doing it for attention so we tried ignoring her but i still get nervous when meeting new people now, which isn’t fair! stupid girl!
Gala, have you been reading my diary?
Once again, you have written about something that’s been on my mind a lot recently.
This isn’t an easy issue, nor a black & white issue.
I have ended 4 major friendships in the past 10 years. I of course felt justified in all of them, and there were issues on both sides in all 4 of them, but I’m not stupid enough to not notice the pattern.
I am the type of person who, if you piss me off bad enough, I’ll probably cut you out of my life. When it happens with a boyfriend, it isn’t considered wrong. But friends are different.
I’m not a bad person, and I’m a much less needy friend now than I was, but I still wonder if it will happen again. How do you stop the pattern? I wish I knew.
I have been on both ends of this kind of treatment. When a couple of close high school mates cut me off after we graduated I became really depressed, not knowing what I had done wrong. Yet this year (4 years later), I have had to put some distance between me and a current friend.
I now realise that feelings within relationships are not always mutual, and it’s not always someone’s fault. For instance, the girl that I am currently trying to get some distance from is an amazing person. She is fun, adventurous, enthusiastic & has a kind heart, but she is just a bit too intense for ME. A huge part of me likes to party and be crazy, but another part of me likes to really chill out and be mellow (and I’m like this most of the time). If I told her this outright she would be weird around me and try to change who she is (and I don’t want this), so I have gradually decreased my involvement with her. I’m sure it has caused her some heart ache (which kills me), but I think she has finally got the hint and our friendship will be better and longer lasting because of it.
Although I have been passive in my approach, I have subtly brought up the topic of ‘friendships’ with her and expressed in a general sense how I have friends that suit different aspects of my personality and that I hang out with different friends depending on my energy and enthusiasm, and that I hope none of them think I don’t like them (by not spending huge amounts of time with them). This means that I have told her how I feel without the weirdness, and she now understands that I do value her friendship. Since that conversation I get the vibe that she ‘gets me’, and she values the time that we do spend together, rather than dwelling on the time that we don’t spend together.
So If I was on the receiving end of the cold shoulder again, I think I would try and bring up a general conversation about ‘friendship’ and address the issues without putting the person on the spot about your friendship. And don’t be offended if they cut all ties, because it is likely to be more about the stage of life the person is at, than it is about you. It is healthier to take a deep breath and accept that you have gone down different paths, than it is to be in a friendship with someone that doesn’t fully appreciate you and that rejects you time and time again. xox
Friendships are funny things, to which I’ve learned to never expect anything from anyone. I was “dumped” by my closest friend at the time, a couple of years ago. Literally overnight – one day she was arranging coffee dates, the next I get a nasty post on her livejournal saying how much of a waste of space I am (which I’m still yet to find out what spurred this sudden change) Long story short, this cut me up quite badly for a couple of years, and I’ve only truly just come to terms with a couple of months ago – but I’m feeling so much better about me and my life finally! The not knowing a reason why things happened the way they did lingered in my head and kept me going in rhetorical circles, but whats the point of lingering for an answer you’ll never get…? NOW the finale to my story is quite interesting. This ex-friend is now back in my life, though she is now trying to pursue a friendship with me, oblivious to why I might be wary of her. However I actually feel liberated, which is the odd thing. I don’t feel under her rule of thumb anymore (I was just never a good enough friend apparently, though I’m yet to work out what I actually did wrong, so I was always walking on eggshells around her) and if anything I have this feeling of complete leverage over her – you know, keep your friends close but enemies closer. I don’t feel like I need to answer to someone who’s apparently never wrong, or change my life for someone who doesn’t accept me as I am. Am I bitter? I was for a long time. Not anymore – I’m now just sad for her, cos she radiates melancholy but it’s her life and parogative, not mine (thankfully!)
I guess the moral to my story is this – you can’t expect anything from anyone else other than what you can expect of yourself, and there is no set definition of what “friends” have to be like. If anything, people construct expectations of friends, family, co-workers etc and if they’re not met, then they let themselves feel hurt by you not meeting this expections you’re not even aware of, and in turn it gets manifested and thrown in your face. However – people aren’t mind readers, so unless the “expections” are layed on the table they can end up causing more problems that it’s worth. If you are fearful of your “friends”, chances are they’re more likely foes. And sadly, not everyone can deal with confrontation very well, usually seeing it as a personal attack instead of a path to a solution.
Honestly, friendships shouldn’t be that hard, but it sadly can be harder than a relationship! I have two rules that I stick to now. Firstly, I only ever ask people to accept me as I am, no qualms, and I will return the sentiment wholeheartedly. And secondly, I think my friendship is valuble – it is worth something, so why should I throw it around to anyone just cos I can? I would rather a handful of the best friends ever, than a endless list of associates and “friends”. Oh and lastly – honesty is always a key with people, and diplomacy.
Ive had to learn the hard way that no one can actually hurt you without your consent, therefore if someone wants to be a bitch to me it’s totally up to me whether I choose to be hurt/offended by it, or whether I choose to laugh/shrug it off and go about my day. As an adult of 25, I’m finally enjoying having adult friends who don’t get caught up in pettiness but still act young at heart :) And I’m finally enjoying feeling like an adult myself, and seeing past the bullshit that can trip people up easily along their life hurdles. There is so much more important things in life to spend your time on than silly frienship hiccups.
Thus ends my 2 cents.
Ahh, it’s such a crazy topic. I definitely appreciate that friendships change & that is natural. But there is a difference between a friendship tapering out — & it being obvious — & everything being okay & then suddenly, BAM! It’s all over! I think in the latter circumstances, some dialogue is the adult way to do it. I just really dislike the idea of having loose ends all over the place & weird, uncertain relationships with people.
I once thought that a friendship between my friend & I was tapering off, so I told her as much. & I said I had appreciated the time we had spent together but that I felt like we didn’t have a lot in common anymore. She was upset but it actually saved our friendship, I think. Otherwise I would have resented her for not making the effort & she would have been oblivious.
when i read the topic of your article i was extremely interested mainly because i have just gone through the same thing. one of my close friends stopped talking to me for a month or so. we were both very busy with University and assignments and only really fitted in the occasional myspace comment. i didnt hear for her so long and was worried that i did something. i confronted her about it and she said things were fine. however we had a bit of a blow out a few weeks later and she took some things out on me. it was then that i knew i didnt want anything to do with her. so i told her to take care and said goodbye. after that she deleted me off myspace and every other contact and i havent heard from her since. i also have to mention this isnt the first time she has done something like this. so i took the attitude of “ iam not a door mat and i am sick and tired of being treated like this”. so im guessing it is all over! i havent heard from her since. i do however have great memories of our friendship and i do wish it could be back to the way it was!
this was a really interesting read.
i find that with my friendships that end its more that we both stop contact and kind of fade out of each others lives.
no one really comes out and says i dont want to be your friend because its not that we wouldnt want to be friends but we dont have the time for each other.
however if i was to end a friendship i think i would rather tell them and air my concerns about the relationship rather than ignore them.
i know i wouldnt want to be ignored and disrespected.
so if they are really your friend they will tell you to your face and not avoid you like your the plague.
I’m a longtime fan of your site, and it’s very synchronistic that you talked about this subject as I have just “divorced” a close friend today.
I moved around a lot growing up, so it has never killed me to change friends. So when I feel like I’m giving more than I am getting, or that the other person is hurting me too many times, as millions of little things can build up over the years – anything from forgetting my birthday, to saying hurtful things under the guise of ‘just being honest’. I feel refreshed and empowered to ‘cut the cord’. I can then concentrate my attention and energy on friendships that make me feel good, instead of walking on egg shells hoping that she doesn’t find a way to hurt me or let me down.
I like to get it over quickly. We are usually arguing about something, when it all finally spills out, the true feelings of hurt and anger on both sides. After that, I decide I don’t need this person in my life if this is the way they feel.And I never look back. Of course I feel like I might be perceived as some kind of jerk. But I know I’m not. I truly hope I’m not.
Yours, the serial close friend divorcer (this is #3 in the last 7 years).
I’m a ‘quick and dirty’ girl at heart – though the friendships I’ve left have been very one-sided (the kind where you do EVERYTHING for them and get nothing back…only I got more than nothing, I copped abuse for all the times I COULDN’T be there for her – you know, like when I was in hospital?) and usually it takes me AGES to figure out that something’s wrong, but I have done it twice now – straight up told them that it wasn’t healthy for either of us to continue like that.
I have had friends ‘fade off’ and it’s heart-breaking and causes so much self-doubt. I always encorage people to tell me straight up – even if they think I won’t like it.
this is so well (or ill, depending how you see it) timed article.
i’ve just had to break up with a friend, who was really mentally abusive-i was so negative and cynical when we were together and she used me to just boost her image or something, i don’t know.
only, i did it in a really shitty passive-agressive way and i am feeling awful. and now i know that it will follow both of us around together for a long time.
this is a really great blog and i totally agree with it.
i am such a hypo individual, and i’v had alot of friends that have many problems, and seek my advise which can be quite frustrating because 1. iv never been in the situation or 2. its not that i dont care about them but id prefer to be laughing rather than helping them look away from suicide.
i didnt exactly know what to do with them, and they were draging me down with them, and its not the nicest feeling when your not that type of peron. by the way, these people wern’t just the one time sort of people, it seemed that every move they made the world was crashing ontop of them.
i didnt want to be the type that just gave them no reason but theres not exactly much you can do other than slowly push them away. how would you like it if your dad died not long ago, your sister had a miscarraige because she used to be a drug addict AND your bestfriend just dumped you.
i couldn’t imagine that it would be too nice.
have you got any feedback for this sort of situation???
I took you advice Gala earlier in the year with my best friend who had started to continually upset me with nasty comments, about pretty much everything to do with me, my life and my looks/personality. I dropped her and stopped talking to her for 4 months. Just this week, we met up at a party and talked for ages, and we’ve both changed for 100x the better and we’re much closer than before. Thank you gala I would not have had the courage to do otherwise and it turned out brilliantly in the end.
Oh my… I know I MUST let a certain person in my life know that she offended me big time, but i keep putting this off. i really hate that kind of a situation, i don’t want to engage in a discussion… but i have to. maybe it’s your article that will finally help me get things done, gala :-)
thanks for sharing your story!
Once again, wise words Miss Darling! I agree with everything you’ve said.
Not frightened of confrontation, I always do the quick and dirty…it’s not pleasant, but it is respectful.
I’ve even had two friendships resurrected after they’ve improved their behaviour. If you care about someone, it’s best to bring certain things to their attention and that’s what I want my friends to do for me.
I’ve been on the receiving end of the passive aggressive a few times. It’s yucky. I had one close friend, I still don’t know what happened, why she withdrew, but it leaves such an unpleasant taste in my mouth. I wish she had had the courage to just tell it as it is and walk away rather than play games. I could respect her for that.
I realize I’m late to this party, but I must speak up VEHEMENTLY against the “quick and dirty” approach. I’ve had it done to me, in a most cruel and humiliating way, and it’s hurtful beyond belief.
To this day (this was nearly 10 years ago), I’d prefer my friend had just gradually stopped calling me. It would have saved me years of self-hate.
Never, ever, ever think you have the right to sit someone down and give a laundry list of everything that’s wrong with them and why they’re no longer suitable for you to spend time with. If you’ve been wronged, if your friend is truly toxic and not a real friend, do what you have to do — but everyone is human.
I can relate to this post so much right now! When I was in high school, I had a friend and she would complain to me about everything. One day I was so fed up with her I told her basically I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore. After that day it was so akward especially in later years when we would have the same friends. I had to do the whole pretend I don’t know her and ignore her bit anytime we were in proximity. I have always regreted doing this because she really wasn’t a bad person, her personality just clashed with mine. I felt so guilty that about a year ago I apologized about the way I went about it and we’re fine now. We aren’t friends but at least I can say hi to her when I see her instead of it being super akward.
OK so now that I’ve gone through the quick and dirty approach and I’ve felt really guilty about that, I’m currently doing the passive aggressive approach(with a different friend) which isn’t working at all! Basically I don’t mind talking to her during school or saying Hi when I see her, but she’s just not the type I want to hang out with outside of school. I feel that outright telling her that I don’t want to hang out with her every weekend might make it seem like I don’t ever want to talk to her. To be honest though, the passive aggressive way makes me feel just as guilty as the “quick and dirty” way. It wouldn’t be too bad if she got the hint though :[
I’ve been in this situation soooo many times. I’ve been dumped by so-called-friends and it is really traumatising. I got so depressed that I used to believe all people were bad and that I would never find friendship. Halas, everything changed and I’m so glad it did!
Since I’ve been dumped by friends in a cold and sneaky fashion, I don’t favour the passive-agressive approach. I prefer to be clear about things: even if they think I’m a bitch! Why put people through suffering, even if they’ve been rude to you? And why feel anxious about not replying to someone’s messages? I don’t need more stress than I already have!
Honesty is key, for me. It may be difficult and brutal but, in the end, it’s the safest way to deal with emotional issues such as this.
Ohhh gosh. I am having a friend problem… it’s a really icky one… I really need to get rid of her… it’s complicated because she’s a smidge scary, the kind that you don’t want to be your enemy…
ah!
help.
Great post…just came across it while looking for tips on tactfully distancing myself from a friend!
We’ve known each other for about 10 years now and it’s only in the last few that I’ve realised how narcissistic she is (and always has been) – everything revolves around her, and when it doesn’t, she lets you know about it!
Sadly she’s so wrapped up in herself and would never admit to any flaws – it’s just not possible in this case to have a ‘quick and dirty’ chat with her..having tried that route before, she burst into tears and turned it around to make me feel like crap :oS so i’m doing the slow-distance…sloooowly edging away…it sucks, but what to do!
;o)
About six months ago my best friend and i moved into a appartment with two other girls. Four months within i had money taken from me and i assumed it was one of the girls that i moved in with, not my best friend. The three of us went against the girl who i thought took money from me. Now recently i had money taken from me again and i caught my best friend in a lie that she took the money, but she still wont admit to it. This leads me to think she was the one who took my money in the beginning. She has lied to me before, making random stories that i later found out were completly untrue. She isnt the best person and i know that. This happen a week ago and ever since i moved all her stuff out and basically cutting her out of my life. I would just like to hear some advice and reassurance that i am doing the right thing.