Help A Nonpareil Contest!
[ 3 November 2007 ]
Dear amazing, clever, fabulous readers,
I often receive emails asking for advice, as you are probably aware. I have, however, noticed that most of you are JUST as good at giving advice as I am, & it seems silly not to utilise your magnificent brains! You all add such incredible value to iCiNG through your comments, so it seems right to create another opportunity for you to show how brilliant you are!
Here, then, is a desperate cry for help. I’d love to hear your responses. Even better, the best reply will receive a package full to the brim with beauty products & a letter from me! I might even throw in some purikura & fortunes…
If all goes well, this might become a regular feature. Who knows, maybe one of you will become the resident iCiNG Agony Aunt (or Uncle)! Let me know what you think!
“I’ve recently met a boy I find myself growing rather fond of and the feeling is mutual. My problem is if things are going to get even a little bit more serious he’s going to have to meet my parents. The issue stems from the fact that my parents are super conservative Christians. My father can be extremely judgemental. He once told me he immediately writes people with unnatural hair colours off as morons. Gala, I’ve been dying my hair every unnatural colour under the sun for the past four years! I’m also a straight A honor roll student. You’d think he’d know better.
While they’re far from shunning odd people due to my having all ranges of pierced, tattooed, dyed and costume wearing friends that they love, they’ve also never dealt with me dating one necessarily. This boy dropped out of high school and got his GED. Something i know my father would frown upon. He now has a very well paying vocational job and lives in an apartment with his friends (another negative). He’s got rather large gauges and several visible, macabre themed tattoos. I’m seventeen, and he’s nineteen. I don’t want to lie about him (there’s no way that could turn out well, obviously), and I don’t want him to feel like he has to hide who he is. I guess as cliché as it is this is just another variation of the whole “good girl” attracted to the “bad boy” type deal. I’m at a complete loss as what to do! Help?!”
P.S. Please use your real email address, so that if you win I can notify you!
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala 
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First off, the fact that he’s well paid means nothing to anyone with a lick of sense. Does he love his job? Why? Does he help others? Is it satisfying in some impressive way that does not involve finances?
Blind your parents to his tattoos and other loveliness in this way. Every thing they see as bad is another opportunity for him to express the ways that he has overcome adversity. He surely dropped out of high school for a good reason. Too bored with the slow curriculum? Anxious to see the world on his own terms? Ready to support himself? It sounds like he has a lot of responsibilities – bills, rent, career, etc. What wouldn’t mom & pops love about a responsible boy?
And, don’t stop trying. If your parents are worth it (I assume they are since you are asking for advice), then you will be persistent.
Extra tip: Have him write a thank you note (if he pleases to) on a card and post it to your parents after he meets them. Is that lame? I think it’s adorable, and if he can be coaxed into doing so I think it would work wonders.
I have first hand experience; my boyfriend’s family is chock full of conservative Christians. I am an atheist. They absolutely loathed me at first, and it took about a year, but now they have actually said they love me and have since given me chocolate!
And if chocolate doesn’t mean love, well then, you know.
My trick: Be super sweet, help clean up the dishes, and don’t talk about the touchy subjects! Or if you do, be positive & supportive of their beliefs. You won’t have to sacrifice your own to do so.
Good luck sweet tea!
I’ve got the same problem, except for the fact that my parents are Jehova’s witnesses (don’t worry, I’m not weirdly religious and I don’t profess any religion).
I attend a very Catholic University with a politic of open cult and I have a very wide range of friends, from good guys to “bad” boys like your guy. Since I live a little bit far from school (but not so far that I have to get an apartment near it) my dad drives me there (I hate to drive) and during these drives I talk to him about all my life (my friend, classes, problems and everything). Personally, I have a great relationship with my dad.
When it came to the time that I started dating guys from school (before I only dated “good” Jehova’s witnesses, who were nice guys just not my type) I reached an agreement with my dad: I would date whoever I wanted once or twice and if I really liked the guy and really felt like I wanted to formalize with him, we would have dinner together with my parents and talk in a no-threats enviornment. Of course my dad would give out his “eight rules for dating my daugther” speech but that’s it. I have a boyfriend and my dad feels not s worried about it.
My advice to you is mainly to talk to your dad, make him see things from your point of view. At first it may seem like he’s trying to mess up this for you but believe me that he will come around to it.
The most important thing is that he treats you right and respects you. Show your dad that. If your dad feels insecure about him, you could bring him home and have some “home-dates” that could make your dad know how this guy acts while he is around you, that he treats you right and that he really likes you (that is how I got my first mowhawked and pierced boyfriend).
Sometimes my “weird” looking friends get into extensive talks with my dad about some themes the he really likes like the roman empire or British history. If there is a special topic that your guy and your dad have in common it might be a good a idea to arrange dinner and casually start a talk about that topic.
My dad trusts my intuition when it comes to people, I know when I should or shouldn’t associate with someone. I have this weird feeling thing that just makes know if a person is good or not for me. Make your dad trust you, show that you have a great intuition when it comes to people, make your dad see that you wouldn’t want to be with a guy that you didn’t trust and that you didn’t feel good with.
Make sure that he respects your parents beliefs that is very important, your dad can use that against your relationship and believe that it can turn pretty ugly.
I think that I’ve covered all the fronts that I covered when I was first dealing with this problem.
I hope it helps you a little.
Kisses.
I think it says a lot about him that he agrees to meet your parents in the first place. If the boy of interest or you can show your parents what you like about him, hopefully they’ll stand behind you in your decision.
Oh love,
I know exactly what you’re going through, and aaah it’s painful! I fancy a man who is a year younger than me and from a different sect of the same religion,is from a different country, and I have some open-minded parents, who are very close-minded when it comes to me and men.
My advice, easy does it. You don’t have to change the way your parents view the world (and you can’t), but you can try and ease up the friction. Invite some of your ‘costumed-tattooed’ friends over to your parents house for a dinner, show your parents that they are indeed human!
It sounds like your main problem is your Dad. Most, not all, men are typically stubborn. It might not take too much to have your Mum see your way of things, but for your Dad it’ll be a lot more difficult. Again bring over other friends, male or female. The fact is, people come from all walks of life, there is no specific cookie-cutter shape that everyone wants to fit into in order to be happy or successful. Your Dad needs to realize this.
You could also try showing (whether through stories, or other friends) that the type of men your parents want you to be with may not be the right person. Someone who looks well-groomed, suave, and has a high-paying career may not have a great personality. As cheesy as it may sound, it truly matters whats on the inside. If your parents have your best interests at heart, they should decide this to be the most important and qualifying aspect of a potential boyfriend/husband! If they’ve lost sight of that in trivial fights over hair colour, then it’s up to you to remind them :)
If a man who is willing to be with you and protect you and love you is there, your parents should deem this good! Though his outward appearance may signify otherwise, it really matters how he treats you (obviously!). You would never want to be an abusive relationship right? Have your parents trust your judgment!
If you haven’t sorely messed up in life (or have, but have since learned from it) then your parents should know that you can make your own decisions. At the same time don’t shun them. Splitting off ties from your parents only causes more heartache and problems instead of solutions.
I really, really feel for you. I am going through the exact same thing. It’s tough, especially when the bloke you fancy is really a wonderful person.
Hope you get through this!
Peace,
Zainab
I think the problem can be remedied by talking to your parents, particularly your dad about your concerns, and informing your boyfriend about your parents’ conservative beliefs. Listen to their opinions carefully. Don’t be too forceful, but at the same time, highlight each others attributes and remember to stay positive.
You mentioned that you were seventeen, and I am not much older, so I can relate on the level that it isn’t very easy to talk to your parents or convince them of anything that you express your opinion about. However, the only way to go about this, from what I see, is to be open and honest. Invite your boyfriend over to dinner. Tell him to clean up a little, but nothing to change his personality or the way he acts. Just be sure he looks respectable. I wouldn’t ask him to take out any piercings or anything out of the ordinary. A nice pair of slacks should do the trick! And even more importantly, talk to your parents. Talking is the only way you’ll get them through this, the only way anyone will get through this! Take in to consideration that everyone is probably as anxious as you are, so breathe and try to get through the night.
Parents are hard shells to crack. They are humans with hearts, after all. So it might be nice to somehow find common ground where everyone can relate to each other. Parents are sold by matching interests!
And just for good measure, maybe he could bring a dish or something nice to dinner. Just to win some brownie points.
Good luck!
I emphacize with your sticky-tricky situation, as my parents were horrified last year, when I announced to them that I was going to start going out with a guy 3-years older.
Not good to spring up on parents.
So, here’s some small tips I have for you to help you figure this out:
1) Don’t rush into this.
Even if you feel like its a life/death situation, stop! Breathe in, and consider your dad’s reaction if you spring this on him. Think of where your dad is coming from, and plan the perfect time to tell him.
2) Know your history.
Once you tell your dad about your cute little secret, he’ll want to know everything about him! (Believe me, my dad even wanted to know guy’s address!)
Find out why he got his GED? Why did he get his tats? Do they represent anything? Who he hangs out with? Does this guy have a criminal record (Oo-er!)?
Has your guy done anything positive for the community or for the environment? Does he like hugging kittens in shelters on his days off?
I can’t stress this enough: know your stuff!
3) Prepare.
This is the toughest part. You need to prepare your dad, your boy, and yourself.
Now is the time where your expert name-dropping starts: when your parents start asking who went to the movies with you, drop his name in the group too. Once your parents hear that this guy is a regular in your life, they’ll be more comfortable knowing he’ll be a regular in the family. :3
Ask your guy how he feels about meeting your parents. Would he be willing to meet them? Talk to them? Have supper with all of you? When your guy goes to meet your parents, explain that he should be as tidy as he would be for a job-interview. If he makes a great effort to impress your parents, it’ll only be better in the long run.
Also, prepare to have him meet your parents by volunteering together. Sounds strange, but nothing is more awkward than having your love-prospect sit with your parents during a very painful silence. If you do some community volunteering (those kittens can’t hug themselves!), you’ll be able to gush about how compassionate he is, and your parents will be very impressed.
Plus, if friends of your parents see him doing these good-deeds, and report it back to them, it’ll score some serious Boyfriend points!
** Finally, if you feel uncomfortable talking to your dad about this, what about your mom? Could she help ease the friction this important event might have on the whole family?
**If you find yourself trapped, and feeling that, despite all your good efforts, your dad is still not warming up to him, you’re going to have to stand up for yourself. It’s really tough to have someone you love try and force you into doing something you don’t (like not dating Love-Tart), but if you don’t make your own decisions, you’ll regret it more than you could ever imagine.
You’re an intelligent, compassionate and diplomatic girl, and sometimes life throws us these tough-situations to build our characters. If we don’t stand tall and proud when we’re put to the test (especially infront of our parents, who love you unconditionally), what will we do next time, when reality bites back harder?
But don’t worry. Things go out for the best, and happen for a reason. So, I hope everything goes amazing for you, and that everyone’s advice helps!
Plus, enjoy love of any kind. It’s the only real magic we have in the world! <3
Amour and lucky luck to you,
-Retro
Ok, first of all, good job on knowing that lying about him gets you nowhere!
For me, the first step would be to introduce him before you introduce him. And by that, I mean to mention him and his good traits.
He lives in an apartment with friends and has a well paying job?
He’s responsible enough to have a job and pay his own bills, which is a total plus.
Think of other qualities that you love about him (and know your parents would love as well) and tell them all about him. Then, when you actually introduce him in person, they already have a good impression of him.
Also, I think some might disagree with me on this, but I am all for “coaching” new boyfriends. Not necessarily telling them what they can and can’t say around parents (because you don’t want him to lie, obviously), but perhaps topics to steer away from, or just telling the guy about your parents and their beliefs.
For example- I had a boyfriend that loved to tell inside jokes, even if only he got them. When he met my mother he did this (a lot) out of nervousness, and my mom ended up really not liking him because he made her feel stupid with all the jokes that she felt like she was supposed to know about. So, just with a certain personality quirk that could have been avoided, he totally alienated my mother.
Also, maybe he could dress to show as little of the tattoos as possible? Now, I love tattoos (I have one and my husband has 3), but if someone has a lot, it can be off-putting. You want your parents to see him for who he really is, not what he has on his body.
Now, that said, it doesn’t mean that he should come to meet your parents as someone he isn’t. What attracts you to him? His passion for music? His artistic skills? The tattoos (haha)? Think about this and try and show your parents what you love about him.
Also, I could be totally wrong, but I don’t know if your truly giving your parents enough credit. From what you said about your hair color, it doesn’t seem like that has been an issue between you. Also, if they love your friends who are tattooed, pierced, etc., I’m sure they could love a potential boyfriend. But, maybe not…I don’t know them. :)
I really think the best thing you can do is to be as open as possible with your parents and have him make the best impression possible.
Also, I didn’t read anyone else’s response to the post before I wrote this, so if anything is repeated, it is unintentional! I just wanted to give my own views without being influenced by anyone else’s. :)
There are guys we take home to Mom & Dad, and there are guys we /don’t/ take home to Mom & Dad.
Usually, the latter are more fun.
You are a grown woman, a young woman, but a grown woman, and your parents don’t have to meet all your boyfriends. You are entitled to your privacy.
If you and your boyfriend start discussing marriage or cohabitation, then yes, a meeting is in order, but until then, you have the right to keep your love life private.
And if you do decide to show him to Mom & Dad, what’s the worst that can happen? Your parents disapprove? Well, if this is really serious, then that would probably just be temporary. Parents often disapprove of their children’s partners in the beginning, but then grow to love them as family members in time.
There’s nothing magical you can do here, just give it time and remember that it’s really your parents’ problem, not yours.
From being in a somewhat similiar situation(even the ages are the same!), I can understand how you feel.
You have this incredible boy, who is so much more than how he looks and the things you think might lower your dad’s opinion of him, right? With my own parents, I never told them that he dropped out of school and received his GED. I never told them that he had tattoos.
That was a big mistake! You should tell them everything about him. The things you think they may not like, as well as the great, wonderful things you know are in him. Explain to them why about him dropping out. The fact that he has a job is a great plus! My boy doesn’t have one and it makes my parents think less of him, since he needs to support himself. The fact that your’s can, and is obviously willing, is wonderful! It shows that he is mature enough to accept responsibility. From your message, it seems he has many good qualities that most parents would definitely appreciate in a young man that is dating their daughter.
Since your dad seems open to your friends’ diversity and cultures, I am sure there is no reason for him to judge your boyfriend. It may happen, because you are dating him, but with my mother, she accepts him for who he is and realizes that it is his own personal choice, even if she doesn’t agree with it and thinks it is “freaky” or weird.
I also advise you not to persuade (or let your boy think) to change or act different just for your parents’ benefit. It isn’t honest, and in the long run, they will not accept him for him, because of it. It’s better to allow them to get to know him for him, straight from the start. Nervousness is different, though. So, that’s okay! :) Most parents expect a nervous or even shy boy. It usually shows that he’s respectful and he really likes you, and that definitely means he wants to make a good impression on the ‘rents so he can keep you as long as possible!
Definitely talk your dad beforehand and I totally agree that if he is invited to dinner that he write a thankyou note! Or show his appreciation with making dinner for your family one night, or baking cookies, sending flowers, etc. That is, if that is something he would normally do or would like to start doing. Appreciation is something that isn’t given a lot and is fun to do!
Have fun, be open, & positive.
Hugs,
Melissa
Love makes people blind and crazy and sometimes common sense is impaired. That’s when it helps to listen to people who love you and that you trust because sometimes they offer insight into your relationship that you are unaware of because you’re in the thick of it and too close to the situation to see the big picture. With that said, it must also be said that your parents are human; they are flawed. Issues like hair color, piercings, and clothing are all superficial and are probably only masks for the real issues that concern them like whether this boy is respectful to you and to people, whether he is treating you right,whether he has his own life and goals, etc. Issues like physical appearances and the like should only matter to you; issues pertaining to your mental/emotional well being should matter to anyone who knows you very well, particularly your parents.
You only just met this boy; there are still a lot of things you don’t know about him. Take it slowly, don’t let your emotions cloud your judgment.You’re right, your parents should be aware that you are seeing someone once it gets more serious (if it does). Your parents’ opinions should be a factor in the evaluation of your relationship but not the deciding vote. If the time comes that he do have to meet the parents, just remember that they want you to be happy and healthy and if they can see that this boy is good to you, there shouldn’t be a problem. However you should always be aware of how you feel and how you are being treated.
Jane Austen said “If a woman should hesitate as to “yes”, she should say “no” directly” In the long run, it’s you and your partner who is working for the relationship and not your parents. So there should be a self-awareness about whether or not you’re getting the short end of the straw.
Good luck!
Sweetcheeks! You’re 17! In less than a year it will not be anyone’s business with whom you spend how much time doing what. No they don’t have to meet him. No they do not need to give him a stamp of approval nor must they confirm your fears and reject him. In fact they should stay out of it entirely.
OK, my initial emotional “that’s crazy talk!” response has been satisfied. Now for the important thinky part:
You know it doesn’t matter what judgment your folks pass on this guy, but what judgment you pass (and already have passed) on him is a whole other story. Allow me to submit a personal example from my arsenal of learning experiences: I was 23, long past the age where we need to be thinking of our parents’ approval, when I met a very sweet, kind, funny gentleman. I don’t meet very many sweet, kind, funny gentlemen with whom I have chemistry, so we moved in together! Notice I have not mentioned his relative intelligence, or success or any other positive trait. I knew my parents would hate him. And hate him they did. These normally super-polite people were even rude to him, which of course I met with a big steaming pile of self-righteousness. How dare they be so judgmental! Long story short: we stayed together for 6 years, I was miserable and constantly stressed and the worst part was that deep down I knew my folks were right all along. But you see, it never mattered at all what they thought. In fact, if I hadn’t been so worried what they thought I might have figured out for myself that he was the wrong guy a lot sooner. I might not have either. The point is you need to figure it out for yourself, in time, with NO influence from your family. The most important part is that you know who you are, and that no matter what goes down you will still have you in the end, and you would never do anything that wasn’t OK with you. You really only need to worry about not compromising yourself: not settling, not adopting someone else’s beliefs because it’s easier than developing an opinion. If you know you are behaving rightly then it doesn’t matter at all what anyone thinks. Part of becoming an independent woman (clarification: independent is not the same as a single) is learning how to appropriately vet our suitors for ourselves. It’s a long road, and if you can’t navigate it yourself then the whole trip will be a heck of a lot less fun.
Good luck!
I think you need to figure out if your mother has any control over your father. In my family, I talk to my father first about something that would be an “issue” because he then discusses it with my mother and prepares her. After that, I talk to both of them. It sounds like your dad is the hard-ass in the family—does your mother know how to deal with him? Does she know how to manipulate him? I don’t mean this in a horrible way, I just mean it in that way where one parent can get the other parent to do things or be open to things they wouldn’t usually want to do. If your mother can do this, go talk to her. Be as adult as possible. Also, be open. Tell her that you have feelings for this boy. You have been a straight A student your whole life. You are 17 and growing up. You can make your own decisions in life. And you want your parents to be open minded about who you date.
Ask your mother how to deal with your father. If she says “give me some time to work on him” then so be it. If she thinks it’s a bad idea to talk to him right away, then so be it. Follow her advice, but eventually you’ll want to speak to both of your parents together. I would recommend that if your mother is good at this sort of thing, that she be in the room because she may have a calming effect on your father (as my father does for my mother).
When it’s the three of you, give a similar speech to your father/mother, but this time explain your boys situation throroughly. If they have questions, answer them. And don’t forget to remain calm. If either one of your parents begins to raise their voice, calmly state “please calm down.” Say it as many times as necessary (although sometimes, saying that over and over gets people even more worked up, in which case you might have to do something rash and before walking out of the room say “we shall continue this conversation when you have calmed down.”).
If however, your mother has no effect on your father, then talk to both of your parents at the same time. Don’t just single out your father unless you feel that will make a difference. This is usually something you would already know from living with him for 17 years, but it’s not something I can tell.
Trust me, parents are always impressed when their children act responsible and like adults. Now, I agree with the above advice that you need to make sure your boyfriend is on his BEST behavior. He must not touch you either. NO TOUCHING! make sure he smiles a lot, is charming, asks your parents interesting questions, etc. The first time I brought home a tattooed and pierced boy, he did not know how to converse with my highly intelligent parents and that threw them off immediately. Practice with him if you have to.
After this first meeting, ask your parents point-blank what they thought of your beau. They will be honest (at least it will be in their eyes). If it went badly, keep working on them. Eventually they will cave because they love you and want you to be happy (you might want to even throw that out there at some point—“Don’t you love me and want me to be happy?!”—I’m not sure about Christian guilt, but us Jews have some crazy guilt that works every time). If it went well, be as nice as humanly possible to your parents. Do as many chores around the house without anyone asking you to do so. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, walking pets, make your bed, clean your room, etc etc you get the idea. Even if it goes badly, remain nice to your parents and try as hard as you can to show them how responsible you are. Many times parents have a hard time when their girls start dating because it means they are growing away from them. Show them that you still love them and need them, but that you are becoming an adult. They’ll get the picture.
Good luck!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there’s no easy way out of this situation. However, being both a tattooed rock-and-roll freak AND the daughter of some mega-conservative parents, I think I can give you some sound advice from both sides of the coin.
The real issues here aren’t tattoos and green hair, but SELF-ESTEEM and INTEGRITY: Your family’s, yours, his. Choices need to be made and people won’t want to bend, but with the right amount of respect, magic can happen.
First off, remember that your family is your family. I know that right now they must seem like an opposing army marching towards you with bayonets raised high, but remember above all things that they HONESTLY THINK they are doing what’s best for you. This situation, if you “win,” might earn you a lot of respect from your parents after some time, so remember that if you truly want to be with this dude, make sure both you AND he treat your family with the amount of respect usually reserved for the British Royals.
Second, you’re going to have to make some compromises. I hate to say it, and I’m certainly not trying to encroach upon his self-expression, but it would DEFINITELY help their first meeting if he conceded to, say, wearing a long-sleeved button down oxford shirt, and combing that neon hair into a more respectable style. If he TRULY wants to be with you, he should be able to understand that a formal meeting with your parents needs to be met with a certain level of formality. Facial piercings, if hideable, should be hidden. The ears, obviously, they have to stay. But try to get the hunk of burning love to cover himself up a bit, which could make him more approachable by parental standards.
Remind him to be pretty as a peach to your family. Don’t be afraid to brief him thoroughly beforehand, as he needs to be aware of this stuff. Tell him flat out, “Hello, Rasputin. You know I love your face, baby, but my family will not be so kind at first, for they are close-minded and do not understand my burning love for you. Here are some things that, if you want to be with me, will make your life easier for the time being…”
Then, after a “formal” meeting with the family (or four or five), where he is on his best behaviour and dresses sharp, let them see him in his natural environment. Show them a picture of the two of you where his ink is showing. START SLOW. They will equate these photos with the unfortunately pink haired but otherwise charming young man from their very own living room couch, and go from there.
I’m not going to sugar-coat this situation for you, because it sucks and it’s awful and I know this firsthand. I dated a boy who was in your situation— He was heavily tattooed, and his Christian minister parents HATED tattoos but seemed to ignore HIS. When I showed up at their house with my ears stretched to 1.5”, dreadlocks, and double nostril piercings, they were sure their son was dating the devil incarnate. It infringed upon MY self esteem, as I’m sure it will on your boo’s. He will need reassurance that things are going to turn out fine: He’s bound to feel a little unpleasant at first because it bothers everyone to know that the parents of their smooching partner hate their guts. Reassure him, and let him know that the reason you’re going through all this is because he’s WORTH IT!
Remember that the entire situation needs to be treated with a surgeon’s hand, and a lot of respect on all fronts, and things should turn out fine.
Good luck, but remember, regardless of what happens- Don’t let him tattoo your face on his behind!
love,
meredith
I went through a situation much like this. My mother is a devout catholic, and my father a very
set in his waysItalian man. both of which frown upon my decisions. i had met a boy when i was in high school, he was a 18, i was 16. he had visible facial piercings, as well as a few grisly tattoos, but I liked him anyway.(i am a senior now, by the way.) he was in one of my classes, and we got to talking about music and art. We clicked, instantly. as things progressed I knew that i couldn’t just continue to call him my “friend” forever.i started slowly. i started introducing him bit by bit to my parents. “oh my friend ___ and i did this the other day.” they didn’t really respond, so there was no issue. i then introduced him as my boyfriend, because by that point he had asked me to prom. my parents displayed their disaffection almost immediately. by that point i knew that i did have to choose. Him or them. Understanding that i love my parents very much, he backed down. We took it slow. We still went out, but always with other people. I explained to my parents that he was a good person, he did well in school, he had a good job, he was a perfectly fine boy. They still disapproved. I begged and pleaded with them, and then finally they agreed to having him for dinner. he was well mannered, and polite. They backed down as a courtesy, but still didn’t approve. I kept adding him into more situations, slowly, but surely. After a while, they started warming up to him. Even though he is at college now, we are still together. It’s only been about a year, but it’s so good.
Basically, I’m saying: don’t force it, the more you push, the more that your parents will push back. Slowly introduce him into their lives, a “friend” that you spend time with might help at first. Let them meet him, and then discuss it after, if they disapprove, see if they will give him a chance, maybe dinner. or even just having a talk with him before you go out to the movies one night, or whatever. (I know that sounds so cliché, but it can help. You just need to prove to them that he is a good person.) even though this might sound obnoxious, if your parents are against tattoos, don’t have him go parading around with them. It might put their minds at ease if they aren’t faced with it. (“out of sight, out of mind.”) It’s all about making them change their minds. One of the key things is, don’t force it on them. (if they feel threatened, or like you are challenging them, you might feel the consequences. –via parental-punishment. Just take it slow.
aw. everyone elses advice is great. Parents can be scary but just a thought, maybe you’re underestimating them. If they love your other tattooed, dyed, costume wearing, theres a good chance that they could love him too. Plus they raised you; an independent-thinking non judgemental young woman, so they can’t be all bad!
And really you don’t have much choice in the matter! You can’t give him up just because youre afraid of what your parents might think, can’t get him to pretend to be something else, so you might just have to be fearless and strong and take the risk! And if they don’t like him at first, they might grow to love him if they can see he treats you well, and if they wont give him a chance, more fool them.
good luck!
All most everyone’s parents are judgmental towards the person their child is dating; they don’t want to see their baby get hurt. So keep this in mind when they meet face to face.
Everyone gets nervous when their parents meet their boyfriend/girlfriend for the first time. (What will they say? How many awkward silences will there be at the table? WHAT WILL I WEAR!?) So when you go there for the first time try to think about the positives. (“My parents will love this fish I caught he is charming, responsible, and makes me happy.”) If it is as serious as it is becoming, your boyfriend will stay around even if your parents don’t like him at first, and it will give him motivation if anything! Your parents will eventually warm up to him when they see how happy you have become over the time you have spent with him. But don’t try to think this will happen right off the bat! It will take several dinners, lunches, brunches, and game nights to have this happen! So don’t get discouraged if things don’t go so great the first time. And keep in mind your parents only want what is best for you. And if your parents are accepting of your friends why should your boyfriend be any different?
Things to try and talk about at the dinner table:
1. Talk about all the fun things you guys do together (your parents hearing about these times is crucial and will help them see how good he treats you and how happy he makes you.)
2. How you guys met (it usually can be an interesting tale)
3. What has been up with your ‘rents lately? (Great thing to talk about if there are any awkward silences)
4. When can you all meet up again!! :] (Keeping the future in mind is key)
Also try to have a talk with your boyfriend telling him important this is to you that all things go well when they first meet. If he understands how important it is he will sure to be on his best behavior and blow your worries and your parent’s worries out of the water!
Keep in mind the positives and things will surely happen the way you wanted. But there are always mountains that need to be concurred before you reach your goal.
Well, I think your parents have raised a rather wonderful daughter! Something they should be proud of. One, you are taking their feelings into consideration, but (two) know yourself enough to find your own path and friends.
As for the boy, he is nineteen, a high-school drop-out but who got his GED. Quite an undertaking in and of itself! Kudos to him! He has a nice job and is living on his own (even with friends – I feel he isn’t living off of his parents …. a BIG deal!)
Trust your parents. Being conservative isn’t a bad thing, you know. They are obviously pretty good parents who care about you. Yes, they may not like him at first, but give them a chance to get to know him. They may surprise you.
First of all, congratulations on finding a lovely boy to date; lucky you, good guys are hard to find.
As for your parents, I think you’re definitely moving in the right direction. Hiding him would only create more problems for all parties concerned. I would suggest going to your parents when they’re both relaxed and discuss the matter of bringing him by to dinner one day. Present the argument logically: explain your feelings for him (and his for you) and tell them your concerns that he won’t be accepted into the fold. Warn your parents of his tattoos and piercings early on so they won’t be surprised. Throughout all of this, remember to stay calm! It won’t help if everybody begins to scream and issue ultimatums; things will not be able to progress from there. If a shouting match does ensue, just walk away. Let your parents sleep on it and approach them later. And you have to remember also – Mom and Dad are just trying to protect their little girl; it’s what they do. Be patient, there’s no need to rush. Once your parents see that your new beau is sticking around for the long haul, they’ll be more receptive to meeting him.
Once they’ve (hopefully) consented to at least meet him, you’re that much closer to being together with your parents’ blessing! The hard part is over – when they meet for the first time, your parents should already know what to expect and won’t be surprised. Before you go, though, make sure you fight the urge to “mold” your date into the ideal boyfriend in your parents’ eyes. He, of course, should be dressed nicely and have impeccable manners, but he shouldn’t lose all of his personality and charm just to impress the ‘rents! That’s why you fell for him in the first place, and your parents should be able to see it, too.
Afterward, if your parents still don’t like him, keep on trying to show how worthy he is. Maybe if he’s good at fixing cars, he could show your dad how to fix his engine so that it runs better. Or if he’s a great gardener, have him send over some herbs or flowers to your mother. If he can appeal to their own needs and emotions, it might make it easier for them to like him. But remember, these things take time; don’t try to force it. Your parents will come around eventually once they see how ecstatic being with him makes you. After all, your parents only want to see you safe and happy.
Good luck, and best of wishes! I hope things turn out great!
I think the best way to introduce him to them is slowly. All kinds of disasters can occur if one day you bring him home with no preparation.
Start by working him into conversations. Don’t throw them in the deep end when they meet for the first time. Tell them about him. Mention him as being part of your group of friends at first, then slowly start to talk about him more as an individual. Make sure you talk about his good points. Don’t lie or exaggerate, but mention how kind and respectful he is to you, that he financially supports himself, and any community/charity work he does. Also talk about how much you have in common. Usually at this point parents will realise that you like him in a boyfriendly way, so they shouldn’t be surprised when you say you want them to meet him.
You can also prepare them for all the piercings and tattoos by dropping them into the conversation. Make sure your parents know that you like them. If you think one is particularly beautiful, tell them about it (unless it’s in a rude place…). If you’re ever discussing tattoos, for example, you can mention his and talk about what they mean to him. I think a lot of people who dislike tattoos don’t understand the personal significance they can have. If you tell them that they have special meaning for him they are less likely to think he just got them because he’s in some kind of criminal gang!
I think it’s equally important that you prepare your boy for the meeting. Tell him that you love him the way he is, but that your parents might have some reservations about certain things and so it is really important to you that he makes a good impression.
On the day you should tell your parents to be nice and welcoming. Seriously. Make sure they know how important this all is for you. Get your boy to wear smart clothes – not over the top but something that is clean, ironed and plain. This is not a time for political slogans! Make sure he is relentlessly polite.
When you are all talking, try to focus on subjects that you all share in common. Avoid politics at all costs! Don’t let them ask him too many questions – this is not an interrogation, it is an introduction. Try to stay in control of the conversation, but if you can, get him to talk for a short while with each of your parents individually. On their own they might be more open and less hostile than if they are together.
Try not to be nervous. Hope for the best and after your boy has left, ask your parents what they thought and deal with any concerns that they have as quickly as possible. Give them some space to think, and then call your boy and tell him how well he did!
I hope it all goes well for you four!
It seems like you really want your parents to like him, and you can’t entertain the possibility that they won’t. True, life for you and your relationship will probably be much easier if your parens approve, but you have to remember that it’s YOUR life first and foremost. While you still live with and (presumably) respect your parents, within a year you’ll come of age and legally be able to make most of your decisions for yourself. Creating tension between your parents now may not seem like a great idea, but there will undoubtedly be tension later as you fledge and leave the nest (so to speak).
That being said, if you parents have accepted your brightly adored friends, they probably aren’t shallow enough to judge this boy solely on the basis of his tattoos and plugs. First impressions ARE misleading, so maybe give them a heads up before the fatal face-to-face, something to the effect of: “Mom, Dad, I know [boy’s name] may not look like the boyfriend you pictured for your daughter, but I really like him, and he makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you could look past his looks and get to know him before you pass any judgements.” Obviously, you can nuance the language yourself, since you know your parents better than I do. Or maybe you have a better relationship with one parent than the other. Talk to one about keeping the other in check, or simply have the same conversation with each of them separately, if that seems like it would go more smoothly. How you approach them isn’t the important part- that you do is. Springing this boy on them is bound to make them feel like you were hiding what his is, and they may resent it and take their frustration with you out on him.
You’re also going to want to tell your boyfriend that things may not all been hunky-dory at this meeting. If you spring an inquistion on him without warning, he’ll feel cornered. No need to say, “Brace yourself, this will be awful,” but do mention that you have misgivings and explain why.
As for his education and job, let him defend his choices, since they’re really nobody else’s business. Certainly, your parents may ask, and drawn their own conclusions, but in the end, it’s his life. Communicating this fact to your parents should be done with grace and compassion, but you need to get your point across.
Good luck!
Stay cool
My dear with the multi-colored love blues,
Trust me, I know where you’re coming from. I am currently 27, and though I have settled down my hair-dying to the natural hues, I am still covered with the tattoos and piercings from my glory days of youth. And though my trouble with my parents wasn’t religion-based, the rift that culture created painted a pretty similar picture.
I am the child of two immigrants from Italy. My mother came over when she was very young, and always bore our rebellion with a knowing sigh and a nod. My father was another story. My father grew up on a farm in Italy. His ambitions for me at 6 were to find and marry a man with lots of money, and keep his house clean. So I know how hard and frustrating it can be when someone you love so much looks down their nose at both the things you do and the people you do them with.
You want your father to accept this boy: I am here to tell you he won’t. Your father loves you so much, and you are so young, that none of these boys have a chance. You will most likely have a plethora of boyfriends before you settle down, and I guarantee he will loathe most of them. Because he wants to find you a mini-version of himself, someone that can hold a candle to the amazing person he feels you truly are. Right now he sees you as the child he once took care of and protected from the world, and for the first time in his life he is learning he can’t do that anymore.
But I am also here to tell you it won’t always be like this. There will come a day that your father will look at you and realize that you are ok. That you have grown into a good, kind person, regardless of what color you hair is, or how many needles you’ve set to your skin. And on that day he will trust you. Sadly, that day is probably a good decade away.
This doesn’t mean that all hope is lost on the present, however. There are things you can do to expedite that day in coming. the most important thing you can do is try to remain as honest and open with your father as possible. Lies and concealment will only further estrange each of you from the other, and make acceptance a pipe dream.
Tell your dad you would like to go out to lunch, a walk, something the two of you enjoy doing. And start talking. Tell him how you are, and ask him how he is (this is often something we forget to ask the people who make it their jobs to take care of us). Once you feel you have created a comfortable environment in which to talk, begin the “real” talking. Explain to him how difficult it is to feel that he is not accepting who you are. Because honestly, I feel that this is the real problem here. Your concerns about how your father feels about these boys is really just a cover to hide the way he makes you feel about YOURSELF. Like you said, you know you are a good person, but it seems you feel like your father thinks you are not living up to his expectations because of the life choices you make. And what greater life choice is there than the person you choose to be in a relationship with?
I am telling you right now, this will not be an easy conversation. I do not know the relationship you have with your father. Some people bristle very easily in stressful conversations, and some even refuse to have them outright. In order for this to work there are two things you MUST do:
1. Remain calm. Do not get angry.
2. Keep encouraging conversation, in a calm, caring way.
You are not having this conversation to win over your father. You are having this conversation to reinforce your relationship and to prove to him you can deal with things like an adult.
Hopefully things will go well. Your father will discuss with you his views, and listen to yours. Make it your job to listen, do not argue. This isn’t about winning, it’s about understanding. I am sure you will find a lot of misunderstanding has been occurring between you. Your father may even bring up some past reason why he does not like certain behavior — maybe when he was young, only bad kids dyed their hair (no longer the case!). If things are going well, definitely bring up the boy. Tell him about how he treats you, and how he makes you feel. And tell him how important it is to you that he would approve of this relationship. The important thing in all of this is not necessarily to win this approval; it’s to let your father know you still love him, and that he is still an important force in your life. Parents need this like plants need sunlight, and we often forget to give it to them.
If it doesn’t work, do not give up. Remain calm, and keep trying to open the line of communication. Give it a few days, take a bath, listen to some good music, and try again. Sometimes over the years we build up such faulty lines of communication it will take more than one heart-to-heart to clear them up. Do not lose hope. If your father reacts angrily, remind yourself he is doing that because he loves you.
On my twenty-seventh birthday this year, my father said to me on the phone, “I guess you are all grown up.” In that moment, I felt the greatest pride I have ever felt. Because behind it, I heard my dad’s true words: “You are going to be ok.” It was amazing: and I promise you, some day will trust you enough to let go.
You are totally head over heels for this guy! That is great. It sounds like you have lots in common and a history as friends, which is a great indicator of a successful romance.
Your letter implies that it is the rules that you introduce anyone you plan on dating to your parents. Is that correct? If not, I might bide my time for a little while to make sure you date this guy for more than a month to insure this is a lasting relationship. But if it is true, you must get permission from Mom and Dad, then I would tell the boy about my parents being old fashioned, and tell him that if you are going to date he has to do the whole 50’s meet Dad thing, and you aren’t sure what your Dad will say—including that your dad might say no.
Then step two. Tell your parents that you have met a man that you want to date. Tell them you respect their request to meet any men you date before you start dating, but that you want to know what to expect since this is your first crush that isn’t the same religion. Ask your father what sorts of questions he is going to ask your friend and what his requirements for granting his blessing on the men you date.
In this conversation, prep your dad. Let him know how much in common you have with your new crush. Tell him why you like him. Keep it impersonal. It is unfair to give away all your boyfriend’s personal information to someone he doesn’t know.
I personally think that your guys educational status is really none of your dad’s business, as that is very personal for a first meeting, as is his roommate situation. The fact is that your crush is a grown man, with an good job that doesn’t live with his parents. You can describe his job, and his goals. What is in the past is neither here nor there.
However, if your dad will want to know these things, I wouldn’t warn your dad of all this, first of all it will give Dad a pre-conceived notion of the fellow without your man being there to frame it himself and explain it in his own way. If you are lucky he might not even imagine someone not finishing high school or think of it as a question.
If your boy truly is wonderful, when your parents ask him questions, he will confidently answer them and show what a great person he is. If he opens the door for you, and helps you into your seat, if he shakes your dads hand and dresses up like he is visiting someone important, he will be showing how much he wants to date you and how polite and grown up he is.
If your family doesn’t like him, and he shows himself to be sloppy and impolite. Then you might need to consider not dating your friend at this time.
If your man does an amazing job and your family still judges him only based on appearance and his educational past, you might have to wait to date your type of guy until you are grown up and don’t need Dad’s approval anymore.
You seem very happy the way things are going!, and naturally you wouldn’t be concerned about the future if you didn’t really care for this guy. I am the same age as you, and have been in a similar situation before myself. My parents are pretty conservative Catholics and I’m their only child, so of course it was quite a shock to them when I started dating a Jehovah’s Witness. While it did recently end, that relationship taught me so much about having a relationship that I came out of it heartbroken of course, but also wiser (& smarter about certain things!).
The keys to having and maintaining a relationship with a person your parents may not completely approve of are honesty and respect. Sit down with this boy and let him know everything you mentioned in your e-mail to Gala; if he cares about you, he’ll understand your concerns and do his best to make a good first impression on your parents—it’s as simple as that! If he’s not willing to go the extra mile to win them over for you, he probably isn’t worth your time.
While I was in this relationship aforementioned, I was honest with my parents about everything. Even when they asked me to call to check in when I hung out with him or they wanted him to come over to our house instead of going over to his, I would respect their wishes. Eventually, his manners, charisma, and respect of both me and my parents won their hearts and the factor of relgion slowly started to fade away.
Another thing to remember is to take everything slowly, and don’t forget who YOU are. You seem to have a very mature view on life and I don’t think this would be an issue (especially if you have already gone against what your father believes to be right in the past), but once you lose sight of yourself in a relationship, it is unfortunately doomed. Don’t let him change you if you don’t want to be changed.
Some reference points to consider? Heidi & Spencer from “The Hills” (the girl who lets her boyfriend control her life); Lane & Zach from “Gilmore Girls” (Zach had to do sooo much to get Lane’s mom to approve of their relationship, but in the end things worked out!)
Good luck with it all, but it seems like everything will work out wonderfully in the end. :)
communication is the key!
try to tell ur parents as much about him as possible, talk about what makes you like him, what he looks like, what he does…I think if you talk about him with a glow in ur eyes and totally happy and tell them all the sweet, amazing things about him, they’ll fall in love with him before even meeting him.
most parents just want their children to be happy which means if you make them see how “good” he makes you feel and how happy u are arround him and while talking about him chances are good that they’ll at least give him a chance.
sometimes parents tend to surprise their kids.
my dad for example is a catholic italian and pretty much homophobic but when my uncle (my mum’s brother) had his coming out my dad was super supportive.
everybody thought he’d freak out even my mum but he didn’t
my dad was nothing else but totally amazing!
also make sure to tell him a lot about ur parents, let him know you’re afraid of their reaction.
just prepare both sides for the meeting
and if ur parents are anything like mine, they’ll just be happy u found somebody u like. believe me ur parents will surprise you!
sorry for the bad english…my poor little brain does not want to think english today.
much love
Sam
I wouldn’t explain your boyfrend’s whole biography right away. Ease your parents into it,
for example, get him to hide his tattoos the first day (sweater, sweatshirt, w/e) Tell them he’s 19.
then gradually reveal more information as they get to know his personality more.
Trust me, this is more likely to work than trying to convince them to accept him all at once. If he’s polite and nice, they’ll shrug off the rest little by little, its a mind trick =P
Not sure how this will turn out but here I go:
Personally, what I think you should do is introduce them to each other in a nice calm environment. I dont think anything to fancy like a sit down dinner, because that could become quite awkward. If your boyfriend doesnt already know about your dad, sit him down and talk to him beforehand, just as a little warning. But make sure he’s still acting himself. Next I think you should ask your parents permission to invite him round because it’s better if they invite him into their home rather than him just sort of turning up. Afterwards, I think maybe you should sit them both down and explain all the positive things about him, tell them how much you like him.
I think if possible, try to get him to cover up as much of the tattoos as possible for the first time, but then after that you can gradually get them used to him.
I wish you the best of luck with this, and let us know how everything works out.
xx Jay
Alright. I’m Christian, and although my parents aren’t THAT conservative, a lot of my other christian friends do have mega conservative parents. SO I think that the number one key here, is honesty. All parents appreciate honesty. Sit them down together one afternoon (you may want to make them a cup of tea each!) and discuss the fact that you have met a boy that you wish to date, tell them your worries about why you think that they won’t accept him, and emphasis his good points; He’s got a good job (vocational work is good work. Respectable work in anybody’s book.), he’s moved out of his parent’s house, therefore he can look after himself, and by extention, you, should anything happen whilst you’re with him. Being two years older gives him two more years of maturity and responsibility. Which is always a good thing. If the age thing seriously gets in their way, you could suggest a compromise by waiting until you turn 18.
Next, they need to meet him, I would suggest meeting him at informal group situations, such as a church picnic, if he’s willing to go along, maybe invite other friends as backup support. And after a couple of times, invite him over for a family lunch. (dinner is more high pressure!) Make sure that at all of these meetings he is on his best impress the parents behaviour, but don’t try to change him. Skip the swearing for sure, but don’t have him pretend to have a totally different personality. Its unfair on him, and it unfair on your parents. And as for the way he dresses, Even hardcore kids have their own version of dressing up nicely, and semi-formally. Go with that, that way he won’t feel uncomfortable, and your parents won’t get angry that he didn’t make an effort. Oh, and lay lown on the PDAs in front of the rents. A little mild hand holding maybe is ok, sticking your tongue down his throat is not!
Even after I’ve typed this essay! Make sure you remember that you are seventeen years old. It is your own choice who you date, and how you spend your time. You obviously want your parents approval, which is great, but even if you don’t get it, it is your choice.
LOTS of very good advice above. So much so that nobody will probably ever get down here (that’s the curse of living halfway round the world from the rest of youse guys!)
Here’s what I’d add, from my own experience.
Firstly, if you two haven’t been together that long and/or aren’t getting all that serious yet, I don’t feel like there’s any reason you have to introduce this guy to your parents. If my parents only knew about some of the guys (and girls!) I’ve been with over the years…
Secondly, if you feel it’s serious enough for him to meet your folks, the bottom line is that, while obviously you don’t want to lie about who he is (and your parents will see right through that sort of thing, anyway), you might want to, well, ummm, “spit shine” him a bit for the first meeting. Tats as hidden as possible (and I say this as someone with a fair bit of body art). Piercings removed or downplayed where possible, especially if he has anything ultra-extreme. He should dress as if he were going to church with his gran. Closed minded people’s opinions might suck, but we still have to live with them. You have to pick your battles, and I for one thing his impression on your parents is more important than looking sharp.
Similarly, I wouldn’t advertise the high school drop-out thing. Or anything else silly that might set your parents off, like “Dad, this is my Atheist boyfriend Joe.” You want to sell them on the good stuff.
Keep in mind, though, that your parents probably mainly want what’s best for you. While you obviously shouldn’t drop him just because they don’t like his hairstyle or his taste in jewelry, I’ve learned the hard way to respect what the people close to me think of my partners. Love can blind you, and a lot of the time other people can see what you can’t. It’s hard to hear the bad stuff, but it’s important. Had I listened to my family and friends about the older guy I dated at 18, I would have been able to avoid a lot of heartache.
Go for it, babe. People will think what they want, and it’s up to you how much of an influence you let their opinions have on you. Seventeen is the perfect age for you to begin exercising your independence, and if you can’t find the courage to do it now, for a boy you’re very fond of, then lord help you in the future.
see the guy, introduce him to your parents… things will end up the way that they will, and you have to know this. why not just go with it, because this could be it, you will never know unless you do it, right?
don’t let your fears get the best of you, just do what makes you happy in that moment. otherwise, your life will fill with what-ifs…
hello love,
Looks like you have sashayed into quite the heart covered notebook conundrum; head over heels meets foot in mouth, if you will!
This topic is as delicate as lace, and should be treated as so. Let’s try and steer clear of that foot meets mouth business! To do so, I feel there is only one way to go about this properly, and that is to keep in mind that honesty is, in fact, the best policy. Parents only hope the best for their children, and it is up to you, my dear, to openly illustrate to daddy dearest that your inked-up-sweetheart won’t sully your little smile.
First things first, prepare your parents! Explain to mom and dad that you want them to meet someone very important. Inform your parents that this boy, as of now, is just a close friend, but there is the possibility of something more. Let it be known that your man may not exactly be the picture perfect, pressed pants, dream boy they seem to hope you have a preference for. Remind them that being judgmental will only worsen the situation, and that you would hope they trust their own daughter’s judgment- as you are a straight a student of whom they are most certainly proud.
Next, brief the boy! Make sure he is totally aware that your parents, at first, may be quite skeptical of this situation. Reassure him that the charming boy you are falling for is the same character who your parents will grow to care for as well. No need to dress the boy up and prance him around as something he is not, eventually your parents would realize that scam anyhow. Do ask; however, that he mind his manners, for first impressions are those that last!
Other significant specifics: be sure that the first meeting is a nothing too intense; this will only lead to awkwardness felt on behalf of both parties. Keep that convo light, whether it is over a sit down dinner or just a quick intro before a date. Debates over individual beliefs are to be saved for later on in the relationship!
And, if things still don’t go over so well despite my brilliant advice- no worries! You are a young woman now, and it is important to let your heart lead the way, parent approval or not.
Well it seems like you are defiently in a tricky situation.
First off you need to prepare your boy for the worst. He needs to know what his up against.Give him some topics that you know him and your dad could talk about. For example, if your dad is an avid soccer fan, get your boy to look some stuff up on the internet. A bit of research can go a long way and will impress your dad’s socks off. Maybe suggest he wears a nice shirt and pants to cover some of his tattoos at first.This will show your parents he makes an effort to dress nicely when meeting them.Im sure however that your parents wouldnt judge him solely on his tattoos, as you said they accept your friends.
As for his education, yes your father might frown upon him not having a highschool education, but i think he would be more worried if the boy had no job. Your father just wants to know that you will have support when you need it, and if he has a well paying job, this can put your fathers mind at ease. Also, him living out of home should show your parents his independent, this means he can support himself and look after himself.
Defiently dont lie about him, be straight up to your parents. They will appreciate it in the long run. Im sure they would rather know about your life, than you keeping secrets from them.Tell them what he does for a living, about his family and some general details so that when it comes to conversation, they always have something to fall back on. By doing this, your showing them how you feel about him as well. Your showing that your not ashamed of who he is, and your proud of his achievements.
One last thing is not to stress too much! Your parents love you, and they want the best for you but they also know to they should be letting you live your own life.Also if he is willing to go through the meeting the parents stage, he must like you a whole lot and that will show…even to your dad. Your dad maybe very conservative but his human and he knows what its like to be the boy coming to dinner. After all he would have gone through it with your mum.
Im sure they will like him just as much as you do!!! Just remember to be strong and in the end…your parents and your boy are doing this all for you.
life should be as simple as if you like him and he likes you, everything is perfect. but its not and thats a sad reality. if you both have feeling for one another see how it goes at first. a few weeks of dating will let you see if its simply lust or if it could be a deep and meaningful longterm relationship.
if it works out and you wish to make it a little more serious and longterm, talk to your dad and mum seperately about him and what he does, focusing on the positives. see what they think seperately and give them a couple of weeks to talk about what you’ve said to them seperately.
Let your parents decide if they want to meet him at this time. if they dont then theres no point because it will probably not be a smooth run. but if they are interested in you and who you’re dating and want to meet him, organise a time when everyone is avaliable.
go out to dinner. dont go to their place or yours because there is a very slim chance that your dad will abuse you and him with harsh words if hes in a crowded place. give your partner topics to talk about that your dads interested in and what not to talk about. make the evening a focus on your parents more than your partner so that your partner can be more at ease. and most of all smile.
hope this helps.
claire
after reading what everyone else has written, it seems to me that everyone else has made theirs rather long, but i’ll keep mine short and sweet.
if you really do have strong feelings for him, then i think the best thing to do is just introduce him your parents. just be confident in yourself and him, and if your parents don’t accept him, they might just need some time to get over the shock.
or they might suprise you. you never know…
[[i’d pre-typed this when i saw you’d posted this gala. reading over some responses its funny how we suggest almost the same things.]]
this situation you are in is a difficult one. my parents are quite religious too, so bringing home my clearly flamboyantly gay and pierced/inked up friends often receive a disapproving response from them.
to be quite honest, even if you know your parents down to a t, there are so many ways they could respond to anything, let alone an issue like this!
assuming the boy already knows a bit about the less-than-stellar situation with the parents, he will [hopefully] be clued in on what makes you worried about how they will react. this gives him an advantage against your parents, because he will already know a bit about them [or, this might be the time to tell him!]. maybe, tell him what your father is into at the moment, or suggest he bring up your mothers famous apple pie, etc. if this boy is someone you hope to be spending more time with, the best thing to do is immediate strike up a good chord with them.
while the simplest thing to do would be to lie about the situation with his school/work, i would really advise against it. instead of focusing on the fact that he dropped out of school, discuss his current working position [sign of maturity and responsibility], and maybe some of his dreams and aspirations. the main thing here is to focus on the positive things that your parents can comment on, rather than the negatives. it could help here to pre-think how they could react to certain things they say.
as far as his appearance goes, i think the fact that he has gauges/tattoo’s should not be an issue. if he appears presentable, and as someone who is confident and has pride in themselves, then there is no reason your parents will not notice that about him. manners and politeness are a must – you will be surprised how many times my mother has been caught off-guard when my good friend [with many visible tattoo’s] has offered to help her with the cooking,or complimented her in some way.
also, just a something to keep in mind: the boy may feel less unsure about the situation if you have dinner somewhere that is of neutral grounding, although this might not be possible.
most of all, good luck! i’m sure you’ll be fantastic darling.
love to all
flaminko
Wow! I don’t know what I can bring to this other than to say there’s a fair amount of second-guessing going on and it all seems to be based around calamity!
In my experience, folks may SAY “such and such – I hate them” or “that thing is so moronic – they are all so – whatever”. But when it comes into your family/home/group you’d be surprised – yes, your Dad might think unnatural hair peeps are morons – but not ‘his’ unnatural hair-coloured daughter or daughters boyfriend. Y’know – ‘they’ might be freaks but you’re ‘their’ freaks lol – I used to get that a lot. Also, there might even be a quiet bit of teasing wrapped up in this too.
I think what everyone else said about honesty is great – but you can’t control what your parents or anyone else will think – no matter how nicely you wrap it up.
If your parents don’t warm to your boy on first impressions – give them time. Maybe they’ll love the boy – maybe not. Their reactions to him may be reflective of their anxiety about you becoming adult. It’s difficult when they’ve worked so hard to bring you up ‘right’ to see you make choices they might not agree with or even make mistakes … and Dads are often super-protective about their daughters in respect of boyfriends/sexuality issues.
At the end of the day, I’d expect growing pains on all sides – please don’t make this bigger than the relationship between you and your boy. The last thing you need to do is to make him feel unworthy – or that he is less important than your relationship with your parents. It’s a difficult balance but just remember – all these people you are juggling love you.
Keep breathing!
E
(: I have seen myself in your current situation, too many times but still, my parents surprise me with new faults and flaws about each boy every time.
The real deal is that your parents are worried about you, which is pretty sweet but kind of overwhelming with many dislikes and distaste in bad boys which are pretty yummy (:
Well, you could give them some time to adjust to his character, be it physical appearance (tattoos and all) and personality (be it funny/charming/cool), before you actually bring him home. Sit them down and tell them about this awesome guy you met of late.
Your parents might not write him off as of yet, since they accepted your wild hair colours (glimpse of a silver lining!) so do not be discouraged! Introduce him as a guy who is earning his own keep, with a well paying vocational job. He might give them a positive impression just from hearsay.
But bear in mind not to keep all your hopes up, just on the safe side.
Meanwhile, tell your guy about your parents, like their interests, so he could break the ice comes the day he should meet them. You should break it to him gently, considering his feelings when you tell him of how your parents regard certain youths.
Brave it together, throw in some patience and I hope all would work out fine (:
(From Singapore)
Relationships between parents and their children can be like walking on hot coals at the best times without the added complication of having to introduce your prospective partner to them. You say that your father in particular can be judgmental, and yet the underlying theme of your letter is that he has come to love your friends (regardless of how many piercings they have or any strange garb they might wear) for who they are and for how they treat you. He may think that they probably shouldn’t be doing it, and I am speculating here, but my guess is that he hasn’t said anything insentive or designed to offend. I would say that that’s cause for hope in this instance. Ok, let’s look at all of the positives. From what you say your boyfriend appears to be financially secure, has clearly demonstrated that he’s capable and steady enough to hold down his own place and look after himself as well as finishing his qualifications. Very crudely, and although in an ideal world it shouldn’t matter, this is the kind of stuff that’s going to endear him to your parents i.e that he treats you with kindness and respect and is a responsible member of the human race. If your parents have warmed to everyone else you’ve brought into the house over the years then I’m guessing they’ll warm to him too. It’ll be his values and integrity that’ll matter most in the end. However, I do understand why you’re nervous about bringing up the subject of him with them. You don’t say how long you’ve known him or how long you’ve been together, but from the sound of it it seems very much still to be in the early stages. I would broach the subject with them before you feel it might be necessary. Make them dinner and casually drop into the conversation that you’ve met someone you really like (and who you think they’ll like too) or get one of your parents on their own and do it that way. If he genuinely makes you happy and treats you well then that should be all they’ll care about. All he has to do then is to win them over with his general loveliness! If he’s good for you they will be able to see it. I wish you luck.
The best thing to do is to just be honest to everyone. Give your parents the benefit of the doubt…they may say they think tattoos and blue hair is the mark of a moron, but obviously they have been making exceptions with your other friends.
You have to give them the opportunity to get to know your guy to have any chance at them liking him. If you sneak around, they’ll think there is a REAL reason you are hiding him (like…he killed a man in Reno just to watch him die ;-) )
Also, hiding him from your parents will probably make him feel like you are ashamed of him. No matter how much he might say “It’s okay, I understand”, eventually the sneaking around will become a real stress on the relationship. There is only so much sneaking a person can take (calling only when the folks are out, meeting in secret, not holding hands when others are around who might rat you out…)There is no way to take a relationship to the “next level” when you are second-guessing every move you make.
In a nutshell…introduce him to your folks. If he’s the true gem he appears to be, he’ll want to get to know your family and he might be the guy who helps your parents learn to be more open to those who are different from them. Being honest and up-front is the only way to be fair to everyone involved…including yourself!
Well, my response is going to be relatively short.
Don’t let your true feelings be influenced by your parent opinion, though do heed what they have to say. They should accept who you choose to love, because it’s YOUR life, not theirs! They may never find him conventional, but you may should find that, with time, they could come to accept the person behind the exterior that so deters them, if only for their daughters happiness.
Best of luck, sweetheart, and you’re right to not hide anything. No one should be ashamed of the person they care for. And even if your parents do not warm up to him right away, it’s not the end of the world. Things change. Remember that.
This is a tough one, and I completely sympathise! I have had a similar battle the last few years. My parents are both fairly traditional christians, I have enormous amounts of respect for them and the way they raised me but my beliefs are just not the same as theirs and that’s hard. I know you feel like you’ll disappoint them and for any child that’s a very difficult thing to swallow.
The biggest thing that I have had to realise is that it is not my responsibility to live the rest of my life trying to please my parents. I love them, and I want them to be proud of me but at the same time I will never be truly happy until I am being true to myself.
I think you will find that once you assert yourself and stand for your beliefs, but at the same time respecting your parents (and their wishes while you are living under their roof) they will notice that and respect you and your decisions.
If you think this boy is truly wonderful, and treats you the way that you deserve I’m sure that in time your parents will see that and learn to love him :)
Hola my lovely!
The first thing to do is to stop stressing out over the negatives. You mentioned your parents are acclimated to a wide variety of characters, and therefore there is no real reason to assume they are going to have a hissyfit simply because you like this one more than a friend. However, I do see a need to tread carefully.
Begin by discussing this boy you like. Tell your mom, or dad if you two are closer, how dreamy and wonderful and fun and supportive he is; how he makes you so happy; how you have a huge huge crush. I highly doubt your parents are going to assume that he is a clean-cut frat boy (which, IMHO, are possibly the most dangeresque of all male stereotypes out there, but that’s another story). Keep talking about him. Then, when they say, “well, when are we going to meet this charming, friendly, upstanding young man?” you can introduce them. Say nothing—nothing!—about his dark tattoos, or stretched earlobes, or GED. Let him impress them the same way he has obviously impressed you; put simply, don’t give them a reason to start freaking out until they meet him.
Hopefully all will be wonderful when they do meet, but if it’s not—well, you cross that bridge when you come to it. If, and it’s a big if, they do get upset, simply say that they’ve taught you to not judge a book by it’s cover and you’re hoping they’ll take some more time to get to know him.
Much love and luck to you, my dear!
Cate
I think the best thing to do in this situation (as you’ve realised) is to be honest. Make sure your boy knows why you’re worried about him meeting your parents. Is it possible to ‘warn’ your parents what to expect in a light-hearted or off-hand manner, possibly by making a joke about your ‘shocking’ boyfriend?
All families operate differently – some are direct to the point of bluntness, others are secretive and manipulative, some joke about everything, others find a good argument clears the air. You know how your family works, so use that knowledge! Also, think about how you are going to behave during this fateful encounter (oooh! Sounds so ominous!). How might it go wrong on your part? If it was me, I’d have to watch out for my attention-seeking monster getting the better of me – other people