Hey, Nutter: Never Contact Me Again!
[ 25 August 2009 ]
Dear Gala,I wonder if you have any advice, or could perhaps write some advice on this subject for your site for everyone to benefit from.
I broke up with my boyfriend at the end of May. It was mutual. At first we agreed to be friends, & we even still went on a pre-planned holiday together. We had a lot of fun, although we argued & cried a bit too. He was still calling & texting me about cool things he’d read or something, & I was still calling him for advice. On the surface, our friendship looked like it was set to go. But underneath, I was angry. I was angry at him for all the things about him that made it sure we were never going to work out. Now I know that those things weren’t his fault: that’s simply why we didn’t stick together.
...But I got really, really drunk one night & sent him a large amount of horrible texts. Things like, “If you’ve pulled tonight, I bet she’s ugly.” Things like, “I’ve slept with a lot of people since we broke up.” (True, & he knew it would be true.) &, “At least I’ve known I’ve wanted to sleep with Dan for the last two years”. Ouch. I spent the next two days ringing & texting apologising, but he didn’t pick up or respond until he let me know he was changing his number, & to never contact him again.
I’ve had an urge lately to just tell him I’m sorry. We don’t live in the same town & I’m not likely to bump into him for a long time. I’ve been messaging one of his friends, someone I always liked & respected. He has been a huge help, & asked my ex on my behalf if he would accept a call from me.
He said, “No way”, & that’s all the friend relayed. I found out this morning. I am really confused at my emotions & just don’t know what to do. I know we weren’t mean to be, & I know I need to accept the consequences of sending him abusive messages, but why can’t he accept I made a mistake & listen to my apology?
Part of me thinks it’s because he is still wounded & suffering after the break up. It’s really hard, though, to not be able to contact my ex boyfriend, not even to say sorry. It’s really hard that I feel he hates me. Nobody wants to feel hated. I feel like he has banished me wrongly. I feel like he has judged me wrongly.
How do you deal with this? I would appreciate any help whatsoever.
Thank you so much.
S.
Oh sweetness! Honestly, I think the best thing for you to do is to forget any of this ever happened. I hate to say it, but I think you have really dug yourself into a very deep hole.
Okay, let’s look at the facts. I understand that you want to apologise to him, & you want him to forgive you, but I think it’s important to look at why you feel so strongly that you need him to accept your apology. I think you want to apologise to him so that you will be able to assuage your guilt in some way. I could be wrong, but I don’t think your intention is really to make him feel any better. Maybe you’re just lonely & want to reach out to him. There’s nothing wrong with that but given the circumstances, you need to stop. You say you sent texts that said sorry, so how is saying it over the phone going to be any different? You have already expressed your regret. It hasn’t made any difference. He still doesn’t want anything to do with you — & that is entirely within his rights.
Think about it. If your ex-boyfriend had sent you similar text messages — while you thought everything was hunky-dory between the two of you, & that you were going to be best friends forever — you would feel horrible. You’d wonder what you’d done wrong. You’d wonder whether your ex had been thinking those things the whole time you’d been together. You’d wonder why you’d wasted your time with him if that was the truth. You wouldn’t want anything to do with him — & again, that would be totally within your rights.
I have written (extensively!) on the subject of not being friends with your ex immediately after a break-up, for reasons exactly like this. You need time away from one another to allow yourselves to deal with the emotional fall-out, because it can be so very ugly. Better to leave your ex-lover with a fuzzy, semi-pleasant memory of your relationship, rather than a painfully clear image of you as a monster! You can say horrible things about your ex to your best friend if you must, or write it down in a journal, but it really should never travel any further than that.
I think you need to take a big breath & back away. Stop contacting his friends, too. That could get awkward really quickly, if it hasn’t already. It makes you look a bit like a stalker, & who knows what the friend’s motivation is in talking to you? Maybe he is interested in you himself. If he is, Do Not Attempt. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200. This whole experience has been bad enough — do not compound it by cozying up to his friend. Even if his friend isn’t interested in you, again, look at the situation objectively. If your ex-boyfriend — who had hurt you — was grilling your friend for information about you, you’d be really mad at both of them. Ultimately, his friend shouldn’t really be speaking to you at all. This is new territory — now we’re talking about loyalty between friends, trust issues, & privacy. Aie aie aie.
You also need to respect your ex-boyfriend’s boundaries. Usually, when people say, “Never contact me again”, they mean it. Don’t be one of those insane girls who gives other girls a bad name. Honestly, please trust me when I say that no good can come of this situation. Don’t let your raging emotions get the better of you. Even in the best case scenario, how well could this go? So you say you’re sorry, then what? Bunnies fall from the sky? That’s probably not going to happen. Cut your losses, & forget about it. No kidding.
If you feel like you’re going totally crazy, you need to find something else to do with your mind & your time. Take an acrobatics class, paint your bedroom psychedelic colours, join a croquet team, build a rad treehouse, write fan letters to George Michael… whatever. You just need to occupy yourself with something other than thinking about your ex-boyfriend. Enlist the help of your friends; tell them you need their help keeping your mind off him. Go for long walks, write a book, go out dancing with your best friend every night for two weeks if that’s what it takes: you just need to get over the situation & stop obsessing about it. Do whatever it takes to move forward.
You’re right when you say that no one wants to feel as if they’re hated, but when you treat someone badly — as unfortunately, you have — you have to expect (& accept) that there are consequences. You know you’re a good person & you feel like that should be obvious to everyone around you — but when they see behaviour which conflicts with that, it makes sense that it would colour their perception of you. This can be hard to accept, but it’s just a reality.
The most important thing now is that you maintain your dignity. That’s ultimately what it’s about. Yes, it has been pretty bad so far, but it could get a lot worse — so prevent that by abandoning your quest to get him to forgive you. It will definitely not happen if you continue on this road, but if you just drop it, there’s a chance that things will fix themselves.
Regardless, you may never be able to patch up this situation, & I think it would help you to come to terms with that. Take this for what it is — an unfortunate, difficult & painful learning experience — & move on. Hopefully you will never make a similar mistake again. If you do, at least you know the likely outcome, & there will be no surprises next time!
I’m sorry this has happened to you & him. We all act a bit nutty after a break-up, it’s pretty inevitable. You’re not a horrible person, you just let your anger get the better of you. It’s not the end of the world, & you’ll be okay. Be good to yourself, & forgive yourself for what you’ve done. (That might be what you’re really looking for while you’re trying to get his forgiveness, anyway.)
That’s my advice. Nonpareils, what say you? Have you ever said something you regretted to someone who was important to you, & were you able to salvage the situation? How did you do it? Has anyone ever done this to you? Are you still speaking? Let us know!
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Wow Gala, I’ve never experienced this problem but I am so very joyed to read such an honest and sensible piece of advice. I must applaud you. You give girls a magnificent name. Thank you on behalf of the girl who sent you that e-mail, she will benefit greatly if she listens to you. x
Nice article, Gala. You’re a wise woman, fo shoz. :]
Hmmm, I totally agree with your advice. I’ve been in this position plenty of times, but in a different context. Emotions just sometimes get the better of us and we make irrational, impulsive decisions that we later regret. Best way to deal with it is to say to yourself ‘if sending this text is a good idea, then it will be a good idea tomorrow as well’, and sleep on it. If you wake up the next morning and realise you would have regretted it, then it’s probably best not to send the text.
But, this girl certainly doesn’t sound like a ‘nutter’ as your title suggests. She sounds completely normal. Any normal person would feel this way after they’d made a terrible mistake and wanted to fix it. She had been in a relationship with this person for a significant amount of time, and the thought of not ever having any contact with him scares her… I can completely understand that.
I’ve been through something similar. Except my ex changed his number even though I hadn’t done anything. We broke up, he changed his number that day, deleted me off facebook, etc, blocked my emails. I’d done nothing wrong and I felt like he hated me.
We got back in touch, slowly but surely, and eventually gave things another go. It didn’t work, and once again he changed his number, deleted me, etc etc. It’s horrible to feel banished. Maybe he just needs time to come to terms with what’s happened. Give him a couple of months and then maybe write him a letter? I always think it’s better to write things down, give people a chance to read them in their own time, on their own terms.
Ugh, break ups suck.
It’s best to banish an ex. Clean breaks are always best. I just wrote an article on how to break up gracefully last week :)
Great advice on a crap situation, Gala.
Great great great article. Thankfully I have never been in this situation because I refuse to do anything that would make myself look bad. I remember about over six years ago when I broke up with my ex, I made a fake AIM screenname and started a chat with him but nothing bad was said, I just wanted to know what he was doing. He figured out it was me and he told a friend of mine and she yelled at me so I never did it again. He on the other hand had tried to contact me but I cut it all off.
I 100% believe that she wants to hear that “I accept your apology” to make herself feel better. If she just comes to grips with what happened and just moves on, she will forget about it and will finally find peace.
As someone who has been banished and who has done banishing, the best thing is for her to just let the guy go. He doesn’t want to talk to you. That’s his right. If he had said those things to you in the express desire to hurt your feelings, you’d want him to jump off a freaking bridge and have support from your friends. Stop trying to get to him through his friends, it’ll just compound this situation.
Gala is right. It’s hard to be “just friends” with someone you used to be intimate with. I’m on good terms (though not particularly close) with people I dated years ago, but right after the breakup, there’s a powerful temptation to run back to that person who has been your shelter and your confidant for so long. You feel that need for companionship, and it can even make you forget that he wasn’t a great boyfriend or you weren’t that happy with him or whatever. It’s not about him at that point. It’s about you needing some love and acceptance. Turn to your friends, your family, your yoga teacher, or your dog. Don’t turn to your ex right now — he has his own healing to do.
Love it! Great advice! So glad you didn’t take the low road of “What a dick! Can’t believe he’s ignoring you.” I really have no idea why girls always insist on trying to be friends with their ex-boyfriends, especially if they did the breaking up. It’s selfish, if you ask me. It’s about trying to gain control of the guy’s emotions: “I don’t want you to resent me for not dating you/loving you/ having sex with you.” Forget that! He’s either gonna resent you or he’s not but the worst thing to do is not let the wound scab over by continuing to keep your finger in his pie. Skidaddle! And if you come back together as friends in the future, fine, but really, leave it up to fate. Don’t manipulate the situation.
I totally agree, Gala. Sometimes it’s best to just pretend your ex doesn’t exist, especially if the break up is horrendous. I had a horrible experience where my “boyfriend” was secretly seeing my (now ex) best friend the whole time we were dating. Yeah, that hurt. We attempted friendship a few months later, but it didn’t work out, and I think it’s for the best. Originally I was pissed, and I suppose I will always be a little bit, but these things happen for a reason. Maybe you just really aren’t supposed to be friends. And that’s okay. Maybe someday he’ll forgive you, but keep the distance until he decides (if ever) that he wants to talk to you.
Fantastic advice Gala. I’ll hopefully never find myself in a similar situation again (now I’m a completely happy, settled relationship) but this advice will help me out when it comes to helping friends.
In fact, I’ll direct them straight to this article. Only wish it had existed a year ago as it would have really helped one friend of mine.
In my experience being friends with exes has never worked due to situations like this but your advice will help many a girl get over both the relationship and the situation they find themselves in.
I had a similar situation where I wished I could make it better. But it was with my ex fiance. Needless to say it would have ended ok, but I was not going to give him back the ring.
It was his choice and for a long time I was a horrible mess.
But then I moved out of town, got a full time job, and started school. I am so busy now and with the help of my friends, it has become easier to forgive and forget. I still wonder about him sometime, but there really is no pain now.
Maybe that helps.
I hate when people insist on being buds with ex’s. It usually means one of you is not over the other, because those types of friendships don’t just work naturally all Elaine and Jerry style.
I never talk to my ex’s. Nothing good ever comes of it.
Wonderful advice!! She just needs to keep herself busy and if he ever wants to speak to her again, he’ll reach out. Until then, why worry?
I’m actually friends with all my ex’s, save for one. It took a couple years of no contact for one of them, but we’d been together for 6 years. But the rest of them, while the relationship was bad, we’d always realize that we were better off as friends in the first place. We may not all be best friends, but if any of us ever needed anything, we can call each other. I guess I’ve been lucky.
I think what you always have to remember is that you’re ‘exes’ for a reason. And that reason is usually enough to quickly and quietly go your own way without ever trying to be friends. Generally I find the best you can hope for is that one day you’ll meet up and be polite to each other.
It’s understandable she wants to sooth her conscience by trying to put things right & salvage some of the friendship.
But it clearly upsets and angers him to hear from her. And although its agonising to completely lose contact with someone you care about, my advice is the same – respect his request & cut contact
I have to chime in here and say that I have very strong friendships with three of my exes – they’re all extremely supportive and we talk on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis.
When I spend years with a person they become a close friend, someone who knows more about me than most, who truly gets me – and that’s a type of bond I’m not quick to discard just because we shifted relationship gears. That level of closeness & understanding, at least for me, is beyond valuable and therefore I can’t understand NOT trying to at least attempt a friendship.
However, I certainly didn’t get to have these lasting friendships by being a creep. Taking time apart is absolutely essential or neither party will ever heal and there will always be weirdness, tension and the friendship would always be tainted.
i think it’s really difficult to NOT remain friends when it’s a mutual break up starting out on good terms…but perhaps you’re better off in the long run to take some space afterward even if you both don’t feel it’s necessary. sigh.
for what it’s worth, i had a horrific-but-passionate relationship a few years ago which ended badly, and after a while of mooning about over the guy and torturing myself by stalking his facebook, i wised up and cut him out of my life for a year. a month or so ago we met up again by chance at a club and started tentatively talking again, and now that the strong emotions have been given a chance to die down we’re quite good friends again. it never would have worked if we’d tried to be friends straight after we broke up, but now it’s really quite easy.
Yep, I am friends with a bunch of my ex-boyfriends, & I like it that way. I agree with Zoetica when she says that the bond shouldn’t disappear just because the relationship shifts gears — a connection is a connection, regardless of what the playing field is. But when either party treats the other one badly, it’s definitely best to take a breather. It’s true what they say about love & hate being extremely close!
Oof, just last week I was going to write you, Gala, on a similar matter, actually! In short, I met a guy who turned out to a be a little creepy and much clingier than anticipated. I broke off communication quickly, but he kept texting to ask me why. Ugh! So, to be safe and keeping in mind “What would Gala recommend?” I blocked his number and privatized all my Internet profiles. Then I worked really hard on not thinking about him, whether out of anger/disappointment/fear, and also on what it is about me that the only guys I attract all have validation issues. Time will tell if any of this has worked!
On being that insane girl who never stops calling even when asked: It’s not always the girls! There are nutty boys, too. It should make no difference on how they’re viewed based on gender (_so_ many people inadvertently don’t realize this). They’re clearly upset and are best left alone if you were at one point involved with them. If you’re worried, contact one of their friends, and leave it up to them to help that person out. Mostly, I just have faith that things will work out for them.
As for doing saying regretful things… just last night I accidentally sent my brother an angry text message that was about him. I had meant it to be directed to one of my best friends, who I vent to regularly vice versa, but I guess my subconscious just typed out my brother’s name since I was really upset with him at the time. It turned out to be for the better, though, since we usually don’t talk things out, or when we do, mutual communication just doesn’t happen.
The point is that things will work out if they are meant to, but some things are just meant to be dealt with separately. Good luck to S.!
My situation was a bit different, but it also ended with me feeling horrible, and I had no idea what I’d done wrong. When he told me that he needed space and couldn’t talk to me anymore, I tried to broach the peace still, because I felt like I hadn’t been given enough explanation. Eventually, after some ugliness, I resorted to what I’ve always stood by- absolute honesty, no words spared. I sent him a long email explaining what I felt, while saying that I was going to respect his privacy and he could talk to me when he felt ready.
Months later, when we’d both had time to cool off, we ran into each other in a totally different city. It was the shock of my life, of course, because I’d almost succeeded in putting him out of my mind, and I think I was a little awkward, but we talked briefly and he seemed better. That night, he finally sent me a text, apologizing.
I still don’t know whether we’ll go back to being good friends in the fall, when we’re back at school together, but it’s a situation that started off pretty horribly, and has slowly been mending itself. Gala is totally right- give it time. You can only push it so far before you start infringing on your Own self-respect.
Gala, you couldn’t have put it better! Kudos to you. I also express the exact same sentiments.
I’ve been through a similar experience although the both of us weren’t a couple. It was horrible as I tried to fix everything with my apologies… but it was the wrong move as I kept saying it so much to the point he got pretty pissed off and didn’t want anything to do with me any more. We could have been friends, but I pushed it too far.
I felt like a bad person, and I hate it when people hate me when I know I only have good intentions. I wanted him to know that I wasn’t the bad guy and I thought being friends would make things okay after I apologised. I felt incredibly stupid when that failed and the guilt was really eating me away. I realised after awhile that the reason why I needed him to accept my apologies, no matter how many times I said it, was only to sooth my conscience.
It was really hard to accept that I’ve buggered up everything and there was nothing I could do about it, so I tried to let go… even though it took me quite a long time to forgive myself. I feel better about the whole thing now and have learnt from my experience since then!
I think that’s such good, sane advice. I feel like one of the hardest lessons of adulthood is that some things that we do cannot be undone – we simply have to live with the consequences. And that’s OK. Everyone’s life has some of those – it’s just part of being human.
There’s a lot of integrity in just letting go and moving on – and it shows respect for the other person as well, which is ultimately what you want most to do when you’ve hurt someone.
I’ve totally been in this situation with very, very close friends before. Where I’ve said devastating, horrible, gutting things in the heat of the moment and completely ruined the relationship. I got a tattoo of Luke Chueh’s “Possessed” painting ( lukechueh.com/paintings/posses… ) to remind myself of my tendency to do this so that I can avoid hurting people in the future.
You have to make conscious decisions about what you can and cannot say to people you care about in heated situations. I would recommend being careful with your drinking in the future, either learn what your limits are and steer clear of them, or when you feel like really cutting loose make sure to pass your phone to your designated driver friend.
When we get close to people and we learn their secrets we are pretty much given the tools needed to either really, really hurt someone or to make someone feel amazing. You have to figure out better ways to handle your anger or frustration in the future. Believe me, it takes a lot of time and energy and it can be a constant battle to remember to watch what you’re saying to people.
I absolutely agree that giving it time and simply walking away from the situation is the best for both of you. Even if you do end up getting on friendly terms again, he will always, always remember what you said and it will be the elephant in the room regardless of how many sorrys you throw at it.
It’s not a fun situation and I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with it. Try to put it out of your mind, try to figure out ways to improve how you deal with anger and frustation and spend time with other friends of yours. Good luck!
This article is absolutely spot on, Gala! It’s hard to accept that someone who once cared about you on an intimate level doesn’t want to hear from you – but for the sake of your own well-being, reputation, etc, it’s always best to walk away.
This girl is afraid of being alone, and afraid of looking like a bad person – but she needs to cut her losses and learn to feel secure without validation from others. She made a mistake – and that’s perfectly normal! – but right now she is irritating the situation.
A boyfriend and I broke up once, and I had a fling very soon after. Then, said boyfriend starting edging his way back into my life and wanted to get back together. I gave it another go – but it fell apart very quickly because, as I realized, he was simultaneously afraid of being alone and angry that I had already been with someone else. He wanted to still hang on to me, but emotionally abuse me for not collapsing after our breakup as he had (even though it was supposedly mutual). I completely cut him out of my life after that – and now, a few years later, we are capable of chatting on the phone, laughing and reminiscing, or going out to lunch.
I knew he was being cruel because he was hurt – and I chose not to take the abuse. The girl who sent this email needs to realize that her ex is doing both of them a favor by not returning her calls – he is giving them both time to mend.
Thanks for another great post, Gala!
I experienced the reverse of this situation many years ago…not quite the same situation, but similar. I was in an abusive relationship with this person for almost 2 years and finally the relationship ended when he broke up with me. However, he kept calling me all the time and talking to me and sometimes we would get into screaming phone fights where he would say terrible things. Eventually I just cut off all potential pathways for our communication, and for many years we never spoke. When I was getting married, I got a message from a friend asking me if it was okay if this person called me to wish me congratulations. I said no. But, about 5 years later, he contacted me again to say he was sorry for the destructive path our relationship took. There is no way I would have accepted that apology years ago.
Having recently divorced my husband, who does still live in my town, I totally believe that you should NOT be in touch with your exes for a while. Eventually, yes, and I am friends with many of mine years after the fact. But searching for their approval to satisfy your own guilt about decisions made doesn’t help you or them. Thanks!
Definitely solid advice. An apology once is sincere. An apology that insists on a particular response, or any response at all, becomes selfish.
Oh dear, to the poor sweetheart in the situation. I’m so with everyone else who says, respect your Ex’s wishes.
I had a friend once and I talked about him and Jane, this girl I swore was trying to ‘steal’ him from his girlfriend, behind their backs (yes immature drama in my youth, thank goodness that part of life is over ;) ) . He threatened to get a restraining order if I so much as tried to talk to him or Jane ever again.
However I respected his wishes, I deleted him off all my contact lists and out of my address book. I stopped going to the chat room we both went to (per his request actually). I didn’t bring him up in conversation.
However Jane, while she was hurt over the situation insisted that he couldn’t decide who she talked to, and eventually we became friends. I never asked her about him, but she was his best friend (and turned into girlfriend at some point).
I don’t know how long it would have taken to stop hurting. It hurt, hardcore for a good 2 months. I cried a LOT but I never wavered and talked to him. I never asked Jane to try and talk to him. I never told her about the crying… I think she could see it though, I’m no Oscar winning actress I am pretty sure I flickered hurt in my eyes or hear my voice break when she’d mention him even though I really tried to fake that I was happy.
She made us make up. We were never the same close friends that we had been. But eventually after a couple years the awkwardness subsided and I felt mostly okay with things again.
It would have taken a lot to help me get over it without his forgiveness. To be honest I probably would have had to stop talking to Jane and other friends that were close to him because it just would have been too hard to be reminded constantly of the friendship I lost.
xoxo hope you have luck in moving on in your life. Give him the space and if the fates mean you to be friends again someday it will happen but trying to force it only ensures it WON’T happen.
Although I have never been in this situation, my advice would be to write a really long letter including everything that you would say to him if you got the chance to speak to him, and stuff that you would never have the guts to say to him but that you really believe. Get in all out on the paper, every tiny detail thats swimming around in your head. Then burn it. It sounds stupid, but it will give you a chance to organise your thoughts on paper and maybe figure out some of your feelings about the whole issue, and it will also sort of draw a line under the relationship, without hurting him any more in the process. I hope you feel better about all this soon. Be happy xxx
I think gala’s spot on about keeping your integrity & not digging yourself into that hole, especially with something so emotionally charged with guilt you won’t be able to not act/feel desperate. it’s acting like you’re losing something, when you’ve gained a good old ton of bricks of a lesson. And i know how it feels to be contacted after this has happened, you actually feel like the other person is torturing you, making your head full of confusing thoughts and is even a form of guilt tripping.
think about it: when suddenly your name comes up & he obviously is hurt & wants to get on with his life healthily it will put off his ‘even keel’ & obviously healthy outlook. just contacting because YOU feel like you need forgiveness is soso draining & stressful to the other person. your focus and energy should now be on healing yourself & your guilt. forgiveness only comes from yourelf, nobody else needs to give you permission. hope she’s ok.
xo
I have been on the receiving end of this situation but way worse. I wish that boy would just let it go. He messed up and i do not need to forgive him. He just needs to accept the fact that he made a mistake.
I was in a bad relationship for a few months. he broke up with me with out explaining and i realized how dumb i had been. eventually he tried contacting me and we hung out and hooked up and he left and i just felt used and gross. I decided that I needed to cut him completely out of my life.
now every so often he’ll change his screen name to try to talk to me, or message me on facebook, text me, he has even had his mom call me. every time he always gives me this “i’m sorry i’ve changed” BS and then when i tell him not to contact me anymore he loses it.
anyhow i wish that he would leave me alone more than i wish for a lot of things….
yesss, i pretty much did this exact thing. i texted my ex awful things a few nights after we broke up and this same thing happened. he refused to talk to me for a year, and i just had to forget about it. i didn’t talk to him, or to his friends, and just had to move on.
in the end it worked out though, he met someone new and is happy now and i met someone (or someones) new and we eventually forgave each other-although it can be awkward now.
in the long run, we were better off without each other, happier, etc. and i believe that everything happens in harmony with the universe. ce la vie
You gave splendid, sensible advice here, Gala. I’m lucky in that the breakups I’ve been through were amicable, but even so, I believe in a no-contact cooling off period right after the breakup. My last ex and I didn’t speak at all for 3 months after we broke up, which helped us each begin establishing independent lives and neutralized any hurt or angry emotions that may have stuck around.
ITA with Gala Darling here… get over it. Unfortunately he’s not going to want to hear from you, just get on with your life, it’ll be the best thing you ever did!
www.fabbrunette.com
ive been on the receiving end of some pretty nasty texts lately, after breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 years. personally it just made it so much easier to know i made the right decision and to move on.
i guess next time just try to remember the golden rule and treat others how you’d like to be treated :)
Ah when I first read the title I thought it said “Hey , Nubby: never contact me again” and I gave this massive “OH NO WHAT’S HAPPENED?? NOOOOOOOOOO”. Silly me. Took another sip of chai, shook my head and all was well again, thank goodness – but Gala DON’T YOU EVER SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! hehehe ;D
On the article: Too often is a ‘sorry’ for our own sake – but of course it is so tempting! I must echoe the thoughts of all other commenters and say beautiful piece & truely sage words.
xxxxxbisous, Ekerplay
I’m friends with almost all of my ex-boyfriends – really, really good friends, actually. These friendships were only feasible because we took breaks post-break up, though. Otherwise, I would have gotten what happened with the ex that I’m not on good terms with: the same crappy treatment I got in our relationship (sans the benefits), which led to petty behavior from both of us. In the end, I did exactly what this girl’s partner did, i.e. told him to stop contacting me and changed my number. It was a really hard decision to make – because, you know, it’s not like you just STOP caring about someone – but I had to do it to protect myself. Even though it was hurtful, it wasn’t about hurting him, and in the end, it’s been the absolute best thing for both of us. It still haunts me, though, as I’m sure it does him, but we can’t undo what’s been done. All we can do is move forward armed with the insight from this experience. Just move forward.
Great article—I love these advice and self-helpy articles and I’ve noticed that you’ve been doing fewer of them in the past few months. Bring them back!
@Zoetica Ebb
I was so relieved when I reached your comment! A couple of my best friends are my exes. I have the most profound and satisfying relationship with my last ex and yes, the most complex. I find it hard to understand why you would invest so much of yourself in a relationship only to axe it because it needed to change. That sounds like wimping out to me!
I’m still friends with my exes, but not super close. I definitely think that space is needed to deal with the break-up, so I’ve never been in a situation like this. However, I’ve watched my former roommate go through tons of drama just because she couldn’t give herself time, and I always wanted to shake her and drum this kind of information into her head. Gala is completely right about everything in this article. If the friendship is meant to be, it’ll work itself out with time. Until then, you’re only hurting yourself and your ex by pushing the matter. Get out, try something new, and learn to move on. It may take a long time, but that’s the way life is, and you’ll never find the next treasure waiting for you if you’re not healthy and stable enough to deal with it.
i think this girl should do some Byron Katie work on her beliefs that she needs this boy not to hate her.
Every night when you go to bed say outloud “i forgive myself” and you know in your subconscious the things you might want to forgive yourself for e.g not going to the gym, a heated argument where you lost it and said things you regret, not walking your dog etc…you dont need to say outloud or linger on these things..
Then say “I forgive insert name“ and its the same, your subconscious will know what you want to forgive them for. e.g an ex bf who treated you badly, a negative friend who is being annoying. you mother for being annoying etc….
its a really good process to stop negative thoughts going around in your head before you go to sleep. and eventually you wont think about those people or the things they did as much.. its a slow process but totally works!!!
Oh S., I’m sending you some cyber hugs. When you feel you’ve done something wrong, and you really recognise the significance of it, it’s always hard to then not be able to make amends, particularly when you really want to. For yourself, you need to understand that you’ve taken large steps by admitting you were in the wrong and trying your best to right the situation, and then let it go. As Gala says, learn from the situation, find it in yourself to hope that he’s happy and know that in the future he’ll be glad that you’re happy too and then forgive yourself. The miserableness that comes from regret will only eat away at you and your life, so put the past in the past and move on.
My advice is this: after a break-up, no matter the outcome, stay away from alcoholic beverages. No good can come from that. Find a boyfriend and get settles into your new surroundings ans situations before drinking again. Unless you are not completely happy with your new man.
Reminds me of a similar situation with a friend/almost girl friend of mine way back when. We were both really horrible to each other over a long period of time. I wish I would’ve followed this advice and just left it alone, would’ve saved me years of heartbreak and pain.
I’m sorry that you have to go through all this, hon. Can’t really think of anything to add that hasn’t be said already, only know that time heals wounds. Just give him time to sort out his own feelings and move past this.
Definitely stop with the contact though. I know your intentions are probably good but you don’t want to be the stalker-ish chick who still has to know everything going on in your ex’s life. It’s not a fun boat to be in, so get out now.
Gala, as always, your articles/advice come at the most appropos time! I just broke up with my boyfriend as well. I can’t decide if some things I did in our last week together were bitchish or standing up for myself. For example, I nearly kicked him out of my house when he said he didn’t think our long-distance relationship would last (he lives in London, I live in Seattle), and recently I axed my entire facebook profile and all comments from me on his profile (mostly as a means of moving on, but still out of bitterness). I’ve decided to stop there in the name of not “giving girls a bad name” as you put it. I recently told some friends that I was having problems reconciling my anger with my desire to “be on good terms.” I feel guilty that I can’t do it right away, and amazed at how much more easily guys can distance themselves…still, that’s part of what hurts. One book that’s helped me a lot is “The Hell With Love: Poems to Mend a Broken Heart”—details each stage of a break-up, and has poems written throughout history and more contemporary times that relate to each stage. It’s helped me through, and I highly recommend it.
Yeeep. Stay away stay away. Give it time, don’t get drunk, and always have a bunch of friends there in case you’re going into Emergency Pissed Off. If they’re good friends, they’ll do whatever they can. If they’re not, well, go out and explore.
It may seem like some new thing or hard to do (just want to sit around and think about it right?), but take it from experience; move yo-pretty-lil-butt outside.
Yay G, you done it again :D
oh my goodness, who hasn’t been in her shoes! Wonderful advice…Ms. Gala, I love u!
Hm..so…what do you do if you break up with you sweetheart(his brigh ideea) after a long relationship and your in the same class in college?:( life sucks for me
I’ve stopped myself from being a psycho ex by simply making “Come on, you can do this!” the screensaver of my cellphone. I’m glad it stopped me from calling him, instant messaging his best friend and being disgusted with myself.
I’ve experienced this on a mild level and I just ended up feeling really sorry for the other person, you just can’t make someone love you.
BANG ON GALA!
hun the best advice you will ever get on the matter!
I have been on both sides of this story-I never want to see you again means just that!
time does heal all wounds
so stay away and find happiness with yourself-he can’t grant you that-it’s to late
I have had to take a restraining order out on someone before-it’s no fun for anyone involved-don’t be that person. Learn from this and accept your fate. Godd luck hun.
peace
Does anyone else notice the vast similarities between Gala’s writing.. and the way that the “advice letter” is written? Nice.
The best advice Gala, especially the whole ‘not-being-friends-straight-away’ part. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up a year ago, and we spoke maybe half a dozen times in the last year. Because I still really want to be his friend, I sent him an invite to my 21st, and bang! it was a like he couldn’t stop talking, but with no bitterness, regret or anger.
I had a guy do a similar thing to me, then TEN years later apologise on facebook, I was like WTF?? Mainly because I was very much over it by then….
However, I wanted to write and say that it’s been very true for me that friends with the exes straight after break up is just a big mind f&$@k!
I’ve managed to get back in touch after a break, but for some reason I have always tried to remain friends then I realise I need that space for a while…. You know?
When my ex and I broke up we were really keen on the idea of being friends. But he ruined his knee really badly (he was worried he’d never be able to be active again) at exactly the same time that I decided I needed some space and couldn’t talk to him anymore. He needed me for the emotional support and I wasn’t there because I didn’t realise how big a deal it was for him.
He was very angry at me for a while, but after a while I apologised and tried not to push it. And gradually we’ve been talking more and I think we’re healing. It’s a nice thought.
I agree that trying to be friends straight after is not a good idea. It really doesn’t work and it often just upsets things. Both parties need time and space to deal with it.
Hmmm… I think it’s very easy and understandable to become clingy and annoying after a break up. I know I’ve been guilty of contacting my exes after thinking I was going to leave them for good. And yes, I think we’ve all sent the infamous “I’ve slept with someone else, just thought you’d want to know” text as well. We think we know the perfect way to get our own back and upset them, but all we’re doing is make ourselves look cheapened and easy by clinging on and sending such messages.
The best solution after a break up is to always, always, delete your partner’s number and just try to get on with life as best as you can. Easier said than done I suppose!
Lorra — What’s the deal with Byron Katie? I don’t know anything about that! I’d love to hear more from your experience if you feel like sharing!
Nicole — Funny you mention that, what you’re talking about is the crux of EFT, except without using meridian points… If you tap on them at the same time as saying that, you’ll find the forgiveness process much faster. As in, almost instant :>
P — The tone is the same is because I edited her email so it was easier to read.
You guys give sound advice! What a mature bunch, hmm? It’s a tricky situation though, & while it would be easy for the LW to continue to whip herself into a frenzy over this boy, it’s so much more useful & brave to alter her behaviour…
I’ve been on the other end saying, “please do not contact me again,” & I meant it. Everytime I get a text saying, “was just thinking about you & hope you are well” or an e-mail, it makes me angry. I know that I’m supposed to be flattered that my ex is thinking about me but instead I’m peeved that my boundaries haven’t been respected (again!).
Oh S, you poor girlie! I did a similar thing myself (also fueled by alcohol) and apologising really didn’t seem to work. The main thing was that I couldn’t believe I’d been so cruel as it’s completly out of character for me.
I spoke to several friends about what I’d done, and one friend gave me some very good advice. Basically, you’ve said you were sorry already, the more you apologise (or keep apologising) you keep reminding your ex of how horrible you were to him, and it’s not a bigger or better apology just because you keep trying to tell him over and over.
You are not a bad person, you made a mistake! You haven’t killed anyone or committed some awful crime, you were mean to someone that you were in love with and I’m sure deep down your ex understands that you were hurting from the break up.
I really don’t think you’re doing yourself any favours by asking his friends to get involved. They’re his friends at the end of the day, and they will be loyal to him no matter what. If the situation was reversed you’d probably be really annoyed if he’d gone to one of your girlfriend’s behind your back. (I would be!)
I know that hearing him say he forgives you will make you feel better, but he has asked you for space and you should respect that. You can’t make someone forgive you, you have said you’re sorry and regret sending him mean messages. There is really nothing left to do, it’s his decision as to whether he wants to contact you or not. He has your number and email address, just give him the space he’s asked for, if you love him, you need to respect what he’s asked of you even though it’s really hard!
Maybe write him a letter in a couple of months and tell him you are sorry for what you did. Don’t be so hard on yourself though, you are still a good person and you had a moment of madness, try and forgive yourself and maybe in time you can be friends with your ex.
Great advice Gala. I was in a similar situation with my first love ( I was a mere 18 at the time). When we broke up (I did the breaking up), I immediately said, “I will not lose you. We have to be friends. We didn’t work out, but that’s fine! We will be friends!” He was very uncomfortable with this and pulled away. At first I didn’t understand. But after about three months, my self confidence started to drain. I missed him, and I wanted him back. I remembered all the good times and none of the bad times, and started to mourn our relationship, something I’d been denying myself. It is hard, perhaps impossible for some, to detach the depth of feeling that came with a relationship, sometimes you just have to let it go, move on, and learn from your mistakes.
Gala.
Ok so you give great advice. Well I need some of my own. I’m not trying to steal the lime light it’s just I’m sick of hurting and really need some help.
I dated this boy for nine months. He broke up with me last month because he was tried of fighting and was unsure if it was only lust. It really hurt especially because he promised he never would break up with me he always told me I’m the one. And like a fool I believed him. But he broke up with me and still wanted to be best friends. And I agreed because I was finding it very hard to lose him. We are so close we know everything about eachother and he trusts me more then anyone. Well a week after we broke up he wanted to get back together. I told him that I want him to be sure so I gave him a month to think about it so I knew he was serious. We were doing so well. But then all of a sudden yesterday he said he doesn’t need me as much as he thought. That’s when I decided, I can’t be his friend any more. It hurts to much to be pulled around like that. One of the things I told him was, I you don’t want me back I don’t want you in my life. I could tell he was hurt. He was losing his lifeline. But I had too I couldn’t take it. Then in the middle of the night I woke up and realized I love him more then anything. I told him saying, I love you. It’s taken me forever to find out what my heart wants but now I know. It’s you. And all he sad was ok. I just don’t know what to do anymore! Everyone told me to move on, he wasn’t worth it, and I can do better. He told me not to wait to move on. I thought I was being strong this whole time but I feel weak and put down. I’m sick of these games.
Please help.
-Birgit
I, also, would recommend time & space. My ex and I are best friends but we would never have been able to rekindle the relationship we had before we were lovers had we not had time apart. It may be that your ex just needs a bit of time to quietly hate your guts (as cruel as it sounds) because he misses you. It’s easier to make a monster out of someone you love than to face the fact that it just didn’t work, and you gave him the ammo he needed.
HOWEVER, and I can’t stress this enough, you really must try to let this go. If you have tried to apologise, which you have, and he is refusing to listen, then you really, REALLY should take a step back. Step back a fucking mile. Leave him alone. For your sake and for his. I say this as an expert grudge-holder- It ain’t something i’m proud of, and it’s something I am always trying to overcome, but I am one and have cut a great deal of people out of my life. If I haven’t forgiven someone after they’ve offered a sincere apology (something i’m a sucker for) then I will most likely never forgive them. Sadly, sug, it sounds to me like you’re fighting a losing battle. Put your weapons down and forgive yourself, ‘cause I don’t think he’s gonna do it for you. We all fuck up, some more than others, but the fact that you’re so cut up about this shows what a sensitive, kind hearted girl you are.
Sweet lord I wish I’d been given this advice when my first real relationship ended.
We’re fairly friendly NOW but nothing burns more than knowing that I was the crazy-ish ex.
Haha, live and learn, anyway – excellent advice as usual Gala.
I’m so glad I gave this very advice to myself years back, its amazing.
If I hadn’t of learned to back off, I would have no friends because my xbfs are my very best friends now.
good things gala, good things ♥
OMG you poor thing!! i feel horrible for you, i did pretty muchthe same thing with my ex and he didn’t change his number he just ignored me which was horrible because he knew i wanted to talk to him but he obviously had no problem cutting me off. He also blocked me from his myspace and facebook, i was gutted :(
I hope you feel better, and Gala exceppent advice to stop talking to his friends, trust it ALWAYS end badly, your ex will end up thinking his mate is boning you…i speak from experiance!
Go to How To Kick Love’s Ass Forum on the internet. It has been helpful to me and it could for you too.