How To Be A Gentleman
[ 16 January 2008 ]
You will all be thrilled to hear that Audrey now has a regular spot here on iCiNG! His articles on men’s style, attitude & lifestyle will be appearing every Tuesday. Tell your favourite man about town & direct him to our RSS feed!
Sitting at my tram stop last Thursday evening in the heat, I witnessed at least a dozen strapping young men standing around idle as an old lady tried to drag her packed shopping cart up the steps and onto the platform. Totally appalled, I stood up from my spot on the bench (which, incidentally, was snapped up immediately by another selfish, slack jawed male bystander), walked past the guys and lifted the cart up onto the platform for her. It took me five seconds and minimal effort, but she was so surprised and so grateful for it. The guys looked at me strangely, like I was some freak of nature. On the flip side, I got some huge smiles from some girls at the stop who obviously appreciated my gesture to help out a little old lady in the heat.
It got me thinking though — I remember a time when guys held doors open, said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, and charming men gave up their seats for the elderly, a pregnant lady, or someone who just looked like they’d had a rough day.
So what the hell happened? Well, believe it or not, but my male friends actually do voice their confusion and frustration after dates or nights out with friends, about not knowing what to say to a girl or how to act to show them they are actually a genuinely nice guy. They want to be pleasant, nice, and funny but don’t want to be dismissed as just ANOTHER guy with only one thing on their mind. They want to be polite, but not offensive. To be a gentleman, but not thought of as a sleaze.
See, chivalry’s not dead. It just got confused. With the push of equal opportunity and political correctness, I think most guys have the right intentions. It’s really easy sometimes to offend a girl just by being polite — as stupid as that sounds. Some guys unfortunately have good intentions, but come on way too strong or don’t know how to deliver. Others only use politeness as a way to pick up chicks, thus ruining it for everyone. The remainder — well, they’re just jerks.
So here’s my guide to being the perfect gentleman, in the hope you can exercise some of this in the real world and nice gestures and gallantry can be popular once more.
First impressions
You know that amazing feeling when you’re out somewhere and a cute girl flashes you a smile? You feel like a king, right? Nothing could necessarily come of it, and she might be down the road and around the corner by the time your brain’s caught up with the rest of you. But it’s still nice to have an acknowledgement that a cute girl thinks you look nice, or dress nice, or that she digs your shoes, or that you’re carrying a bag from her favourite store so you must be worth the effort.
Newsflash, superstud! Girls get that same amazing feeling if you smile at them first! And it’s the simplest, easiest, cheapest nice gesture you can give.
It’s all about delivery though, and I think this is the biggest problem we, as guys, face. Girls are scary, especially the ones you think are cute. I’m a nice guy, and I have loads of stuff to talk to a girl about. But I too have had that nervous knot in my stomach, unsure of how to actually talk to one or acknowledge one I think is amazing. The thing is that you need to have a little belief in yourself. Confidence. That’s the key.
Most males overthink things though, and try to cram too much into a smile. Obviously, your smile shouldn’t say, “Hey baby. You are one sexy mama and you should shimmy over here and get your fine self liquored up!” Nor should it say, “Hey. I think you’re cute and I was wondering if you wanted to come and hang out and have a chat and see if we have something in common because if we do I think it’d be awesome to hang out and go somewhere some place sometime and do something because I think you’re cool and interesting.”
Try and smile at someone as if you’re saying “Hey! What’s up?” without words. Because essentially, that’s all a smile to a stranger should say. Nothing may come of it, and that’s fine. All you want to do with a smile is give her your acknowledgement and respect. She might take it on board and that’ll be that. At least you brightened someone’s day. If you’re lucky though, she’ll flash you a “Hi. Not much…” smile back. And those, my friend, are awesome.
A compliment is a great way to break the ice or strike up a conversation with someone, but again, you need to be smart about it. You need to understand that a compliment is only good if it’s sincere. Don’t make stupid, back-handed sarcastic ones. And it can’t be too superficial either. So you think she’s cute or pretty. Of course you do, that’s why you’ve noticed her. Just stop and try not to be really shallow about it — what is it about her that you like? Try and work it out, but don’t blatantly stare while you do so, because you’ll look like a creep. It’s a delicate balance, I know, but it’s something we all need to learn: a general compliment will make you sound like Johnny Everyguy, and she’s heard all that before. Say something really specific or weird and you’re a creep that she’ll be telling her friends about over coffee tomorrow. No one wants to be THAT guy!
So if you find yourself noticing a girl some place and you want to be a gentleman about it, quickly ask yourself why you’ve noticed her. Maybe she’s got a button or a tee from an obscure band you like. Is she sitting at a table and reading your favourite magazine. Perhaps she’s just ordered that weird cocktail that it seems no one else but you likes at your favourite bar. Or maybe you love her laugh and just had to talk to her.
Something not so shallow, a little different, but most importantly, honest. That’s what you’re aiming for here. And that’s what’ll set you apart from the fifty other guys that’ve already stared at her boobs tonight, telling her she has a pretty “smile”.
Keep things positive
I mentioned above the ‘back-handed compliment’. Girls reading this will know what this is. I see and hear guys do these to my female friends all the time, and I don’t for the life of me understand it.
A guy will be interested in a girl, strike up a conversation and all is fine. But suddenly it’s like the 10-year-old inside of him takes over and he’s pulling the cute girl’s pigtails again — making sarcastic comments, saying negative things to ‘playfully tease’ the girl, flirting with their friends to ‘play hard to get’, sending mixed messages or just generally saying things that could be taken a number of ways.
I don’t get it, and I’m sure girls don’t want to play these games. So stop it!
Keep the politeness juices flowing
Okay, so you’ve broken free of your old selfish, pigtail-pulling ways and embraced your inner White Knight. She can see the nice guy you are and now you don’t want to mess it up. What do you do next?
Nothing, that’s what! Come on, this stuff is really easy and SHOULD be coming naturally for you if you were brought up right. Maybe you’ve just regressed into Caveman Mode, forgotten it all and gone over to the Dark Side. Well, bring yourself back to the light: it just boils down to being respectful. If going out on a date, pick the girl up or at least make sure you’re on time to meet her wherever you’re going. Let her sit first, or be extra courteous and pull out her chair to let her sit. Let her order first, engage in some appropriate conversation, listen to what she says, don’t start eating until you both have your meals, and make sure she’s comfortable and content throughout the meal. Obvious, huh?
And even if you have fallen for a girl who’s really switched on to the modern, PC way of life you can still be a gentleman. There’s such a good balance between males and females these days that we’re lucky to be part of, but most guys seem to take advantage of. For example, splitting a bill was frowned upon back in the fifties and most people go dutch these days. But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer to pay. It’s just manners. Politeness. A great gesture. It’ll make her feel special.
Just make sure it’s not an empty gesture. Because there’s nothing worse than that, and it’s game over well and truly if you’re found out to be a snake.
Check your libido at the door
This isn’t supposed to be a ‘how to talk to girls’ article though. My main point is that the more masculine half of the population used to be far nicer and respectful. And we need to get back into some good habits. I mean, what the hell happened to us? I’m not saying times are back to the point where you should take off your cloak and lay it in the mud to save a girl’s shoes. But the old lady at the tram just made me realise what the world is like right now. And frankly, I felt ashamed of every other guy that had just stood and watched her. But of course, if it was a blonde haired, large chested lass dragging a shopping cart onto a tram, suddenly every guy there would’ve been Don Juan reincarnated.
Why do you have to be interested in someone to be a gentleman? People say that guys will do anything for a pretty face, and ain’t that the truth. For shame, boys! That’s not how it should be at all. So I issue you a challenge: treat everyone the same and be a polite gentleman anyway — even if it’s just for the sake of being nice. Do at least one good deed a day, to anyone, anytime. In fact, do a million good deeds.
Seriously, do it! I dare you.
Strangers are just people you haven’t met yet
There’s nothing wrong with being nice to a stranger. I admit, times have changed since the old days when your parents were young, polite bucks and Boy Scouts were helping old grannies to cross the street. ‘Stranger danger’ is rife in everyone’s attitudes, and sometimes someone won’t even appreciate your efforts to be nice.
But that shouldn’t mean you keep to yourself and only interact with those you know, running in the same old circles. Where’s the fun in that?! A while ago, I made friends with a girl who catches the same train as me. I’d seen her get off at my stop before a few times, and one time she had a heap of shopping bags full of groceries. When we got off, I offered to help her out since my hands were empty and we were heading the same way. Nothing suss, no hidden motives – it was just a nice gesture. And she appreciated it. I was just some guy who’d offered to help her out. And from that came a great new friendship.
I don’t live on that particular line any more, but we do catch up from time to time, and she’s got some awesome friends who I now count as my friends too. And if you need more evidence, just think — even my friendship with Gala was started from a mere compliment and nice gesture.
Audrey xoxo
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Thank you Audrey.
More and more we retreat into our shells and don’t look around to see what the rest of the world is doing and what we can help out with.
A lot of this goes for women too. It’s a rough world, let’s look out for one another.
Luv
Poochie
Hurray! awesome article Audrey. I know a few blokes who could learn a lesson or two from this article sigh.
Glad to hear you’re officially a regular now! :)
God, I want to plaster this article all over the posters on public transport; I’m a girl and I find myself being the one giving up seats for old people or pregnant ladies!
It might just be because I live in London and the commuter culture is scary here…everyone just stays in their own little bubble. Not good for society at all!
Welcome to the fold, Audrey, and great article! I think girls can learn something from this too – I can’t count how many times I’ve seen ladies expect the utmost graciousness, but never give any in return. Whether it’s to the bank teller or the waiter at the coffee store, everybody could stand to be a little nicer (me included!).
Besides, like they say, you get what you give and I’ve found it to be true. If you give the good, you get the good, and doesn’t everybody want some goodness all around?
Nice reminder Audrey. :)
As you pointed out, it’s sometimes tricky to tread the line of politeness vs. creepy.
At any rate, I’d like to think I would have helped the elderly lady – I was recently at a party and stood up to a guy being abusive to his partner, but it was kind of sad that people didn’t do something before I came forward (although admittedly the guy was scary looking!).
Woo! Regular Audrey!!
I agree with Ariel about a lack of manners in girls. I work in a shop and men are 100x more likely to smile and say ‘thank you’ and ‘goodbye’ than the ladies.
Incidentally, there’s an article by a guy who has made it his mission to be more chivalrous in this weeks Vogue (UK edition).
xxx
Brilliant Article Audrey, and congrats on the regular spot.
This is something that has been on my mind alot lately as I am 5 months pregnant and have to catch inner sydney trains every day in peak hour. It’s amazing the amount people will push and shove you.
Hello se the big stomach, this actually makes it hard to balance! I’m not even saying people should give up their seats although it would be nice, but don’t shove past a pregnant woman on the top of the stairs of amoving train. That’s just dangerous people.
Sorry for beign so negative that’s just my little rant for the day.
Joel, you’re so awesome!
I want to send this article to everyone I know. Nice work!
Great article, Audrey! A lot of this could apply to everybody.
Some guys want an excuse to be rude and claim feminism has left them confused about whether they should hold the door open for women. I always engage in serious eye-rolling and point out that they should just hold the door for everybody!
I hold the door for men, women, children and small dogs everyday! Okay, only once or twice have I held it for a dog, but that’s not the point :)
I love this article!
On a related note, I was listening to a local radio show one day, when the host listed + explained a bunch of tips on how to be polite in the “modern world”. One of them was, “ask a disabled person whether or not he/ she would like assistance (common things like door-holding etc…), before you offer/ do it etc… However, I am on the fence with this point, both with trying to understand the several reasons why a disabled person may not like another person to say, hold open the door, and also because I felt this point was a teensy bit prejudice. It was specific to disabled persons, but there are a ton of not disabled people who don’t like other people’s help, and why should one target a specific group of people as more likely to feel a “threat” to their dignity etc…, from such actions.
Oh, I also liked the statement “Strangers are just people you haven’t met yet,” I thought that it created a feeling of lightheartedness and humour (well I laughed, at least…) when it came to meeting + facing new people, as a lot of people feel stressed about this, and some of my friends can’t seem to understand my tendancy to not be bothered by going up to random people.
i think i might print copies of this and leave them in the staff room at work.
Audrey!
I’m a serial lurker on Galas site, a bit of a voyeur if you will, it takes a bit for me to post a reply.
But that was a fantastic article, well written, very enjoyable – I applaud you on behalf of nice girls everywhere- it’s exactly what my friends and I like in a man or a potential new man-friend!
I have to add, also… I love to do nice things for strangers, but one thing I find really hard is to smile at guys I don’t know – it’s not just guys who have that insecurity or… un-sure-ity. eeep – it’s hard being shy!
fantaaaastic article. i love when guys have manners and act polite. it’s something that should be common but when it happens, i’m in amazement.
here’s a tale of horrible manners that stands out SO MUCH in my mind because i was horrified:
i was walking down the main stairs of my high school at a normal pace. i wasn’t dragging my feet or anything, just walking down the stairs at a pace that wouldn’t cause me to break my face. all of a sudden i feel someone’s HAND pushing on my back, and a male voice telling me to f*cking move faster. i was AMAZED at how rude someone could be! what the hell happened to being polite to girls?!
but i’m glad guys like you and my boyfriend still exist. thank the heavens!
I am printing this out and giving it to every guy friend I have, with much deserved credit of course!
A smile like that is so true. I was shopping the other day with a friend and a cute boy passing us just smiled in that “what’s up” way and we both spazzed out over it. x3
I happen to adore the Victorian and Edwardian ages so this article makes me especially excited! Nice boys make happy girls!
Aahh bless! Thank you for this article!
I agree, these days it seems like everyone needs a good lesson in manners, women and men alike.
At my high school it is rare to have a door held for you, its terrible!
A little chivalry can go a long way.
And I totally agree with Killie ^, girls will freak over a “whats up smile.” I sure do heh
every male should read this…
some are lovely, but others are just as likely to push you over trying to get off a train first… you can’t do that to girls! equal opportunity doesnt suddenly mean we’re all six foot tall and 100 kilos of muscle and can fight fair against a man. some people are just creeps and will always be like that though.
but normal, everyday boys should take a lesson from this!
plus
-always offer a girl friend your jumper/coat if she says she’s cold. she probably wont take it but its lovely.
-if two or more boys are in a car and a girl gets in, the girl should always always have the front passenger seat. this one drives me crazy.
Thankyou Audrey! We should send this to every single male-reader-base magazine.. it needs to be read.
The amount of times i’ve been physically pushed & bumped into just so a male could get onto a tram before me.. it’s despicable!
Even when I’m really tired or sore, I let other women/people on before me, especially if they are older or have lots of bags or something.
This is kind of like Gala’s article on Charm.
And proof there really are great people out there:
http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2008/01/15/1200159395867.html
Let’s all try extra hard to be awesome, kind, caring people! Life’s just too damn short to be mean.
x
And thanks to any nice, polite men reading this! keep it up.
YAY! Thoroughly enjoyed this article, it was quite humourous too :)
10 points for Audrey!
WOOHOO! Congrats on the regular iCiNG spot Audrey! :) xox
Great article, Audrey!
Although I have to admit that sometimes us girls probably make it hard for guys to be nice to us these days.
Like a while ago I was waiting at the train station, and when the train came, this guy gave me a “ladies first”-type gesture, and I looked at him like he was a huge jerk (I think I thought he was being sarcastic or something, but apparantly not)! I felt really bad afterwards.
I think we have to learn to appreciate random acts of kindness!
Really liked what you said about “no hidden motives”. There is a tangible difference in the quality of a gesture if there is no hidden motive. I remember my beloved boyfriend melting my heart with his incidental chivalrous gestures towards me and other people – just because he’s a gent!
Thrilled to hear you’re going to be a regular, a few of your articles got my friend interested, and he’s actually taken your advice.
Brilliant article too, it’s so true, being a gentleman goes a long way!
Great article Audrey! I hope all the boys out there are listening! :D
I like being smiled at, it makes someone far more attractive and warm. It even works for everyday stuff.
It works for girls too. I used to look at my feet alot until I learnt that I can getaway with murder if I was smiling.
this is fantastic- i’m definitely going to pass this on.
What a lovely article! And yay for your ‘promotion’ :)
Gala Darling and Audrey- its just sounds fantastic doesn’t it?!
Doing things for strangers just makes you feel damn good! I do it all the time not only for the other person but it makes me feel fantastic aswell! People really do appreciate simple acts of kindness.
I love the feeling of being in the city, or being on a bus or train etc, and having all these strangers around me, and smiling at a few or even sharing a silent joke, and then knowing that once we go our seperate ways I may never see them again, but the time we shared (no matter how little) was so special.
Can’t wait for Tuesdays!
What a great article – it made my morning – and now, I want to write a letter to all my fabulous male friends telling them how awesome they are, because they are always courteous, kind, and generally fantastic :)
I think the time is ripe for a revival of refinement – politeness, chivalry, and consideration. And I think both men and women need to take note of your article, Audrey. I live in London and one of the things that makes me so sad is to see how badly young women behave these days – just so aggressive and mean-spirited. I am a feminist and proud of it, but I think it’s a shame to see how good manners have gone out of style. Except on iCiNG, of course!
Great story – and I look forward to reading more from you – I passed on your article about style for tall, skinny men to one of my pals – he’s very tall and thin and generally has the body of a male model, but I never took his complaints about clothing seriously until he asked me to help him a suit. Apparently the only designers who make trousers for long-legged, thin men are actual designers! We finally settled on Hugo Boss after scouring all the department stores in town. Anyway, he enjoyed your article so well done on that one too!
Wow, thankyou ALL for your supportive comments. Tuesdays are going to be great!
Its also great to know there are some people out there still who are kind and coureous!
X
To be honest, this article seemed to have a lot of misandry in it. It’s pretty apparent from your first paragraph. You found it absolutely appalling that no man would help this older lady, yet found it acceptable and even amusing that no woman, aside from you, lifted a finger to help her, either. This, to me, seems like you are simply playing into deeply-rooted gender stereotypes (that males are strong and required to help out, but women are just dainty little things incapable of physical toil) which isn’t cool.
I thought some of your points were awesome and overall this was really well-written, but I just thought I’d like to point out that just because you know a few bad apples does not mean that the whole bunch is spoiled.
great article! thanks, a lot of relevant points raised.
i’m trying to be more polite in daily life, because i believe that being ‘polite’ is more than just saying please and thankyou, it’s about being considerate of those around you. and if you make an effort to step out of your own shoes, your interactions with other people will indefinitely be much more pleasant.
HOWEVER, i will say that it’s difficult for me to tollerate all strangers. i encounter creepy, lurking men almost on a daily basis, and it really builds my guard up. i mean, it’s the 3rd time this week that i’ve been physically examined at the bus stop in a less than pleasant way, and i’ve really had it!
kelly — http://galadarling.com/article/avoiding-creeps !!! ;D
great article and fun to read!
And you are so right: people should be much kinder to one another!!!
I love you! Um, I mean, great article!
THANK YOU, Audrey!
My boyfriend is quite the gentleman and has been since the day we first met (2 years ago and we’re still very much in the thrall of the honeymoon stage!), instead of turning on the fake charm only so far as to get into my pants. He is a gentleman through and through and he does things with respect not only for me, but for everyone. I want to assume it’s because he’s from Europe (I am Canadian and we live here) but I would like to think it’s because he’s a smart and perceptive person!
I really enjoy gentleman who do so just because it’s what you do for people – RESPECT THEM – instead of PRETENDING. I really just wish that men (and women) would get it into their heads that acting like assholes is NOT attractive (at least not to me) and that what really turns me on is a man who is polite and considerate without being a pushover.
Thanks, Audrey!!
Greate article Audrey, is good to have a male perspective of the world, now, every tuesday!
i don’t think it’s necessarily a male thing. i’m a girl and i hold doors open for EVERYONE, regardless of whether it’s an old lady carrying shopping bags, a woman pushing a pram or just a bloke, it’s just polite. i don’t shove people on stairs or shove them out of the way because it’s fucking rude. i am nice to people when they are nice to me – if someone compliments me i will say thankyou and smile, and if i see someone whose shoes i like (or whatever) i’ll point and say “nice shoes!” (or whatever). (obviously i don’t do this if i think “she’s got really nice tits…!)
if i knew a boy was holding a door open for me just because i’m female, i’d probably be quite annoyed. however, if he was doing it because he is polite and has manners, i would probably want to hug him. chivalry, as far as i’m concerned, is bollocks. politeness, on the other hand, is not.
other than that though, great article, definitely something for both boys and girls to remember!
xxx
Cara – I am, actually, a guy. Sorry if you caught my intentions wrongly. Keep in mind the whole scene played out in about a few seconds. There just happened to be only guys right at the door where the old lady was. And while I’m sure there were both males AND females on the platform near me who were also nice and polite and good-natured citizens, who also would’ve gone over to help, it was that handful of guys that were RIGHT THERE next to the lady that got my mind ticking over. I guess it was circumstancial, but my intent was never to imply that the girls were dainty and unable or unwilling to help. I was just generally disgruntled with those few bad seed guys that were standing right there, doing nothing cos it wasn’t their problem.
Thanks for your feedback tho!
- A.
Good stuff, Audrey! Although, I think you should get a little pink reply box, like Gala (hint, hint!)
I enjoyed this article tremendously. At my college, people do walk around locked in their own little bubbles, although I must admit that everybody holds the door open for everybody else… no particular reason, but it’s to the point that when I come home on break, I wonder why people aren’t doing it!
Thank you for emphasizing the simple hello smile… it does really work! Staring and being creepy is not acceptable. There was a guy in Grand Central the other day who watched me walk by, and literally turned his whole body as I went by… I flipped him off, because it was very annoying, and quite frankly kind of scary! But if he had been more polite about it (and, let’s face it, a bit cleaner looking), I probably would have smiled at him.
Hi Audrey :) Excellent article and my first question is: who are you, when did they break the mold and can you be cloned? :) You’re too good to be true!
Can I stick my neck out and say that I find the days of social niceties are even less observed in Australia than they are in New Zealand … Australian women appear to tolerate a lot more inconsiderateness than the NZ woman I know. I am lucky though: My husband is a wonderfully considerate man and is my automatic door opener, bag carrier and heavy-lifting assistant – normally without asking. I have spent a lot of time in Aus with all my siblings living over there and I do note a big difference in behaviour and I have noticed that rubbing off on to my brothers.
Without sounding like an Aussie basher (god forbid – I’m 1/4 Australian myself!) I’m also wondering whether people are more wary about helping others nowadays in public. You read/hear stories about people becoming all defensive or offended about someone attempting to help and being quite savagely rebuffed.
I do hope that the men readers of this wonderful site do take on board some of the things you mention. Good manners and considerateness is a turn on for me :)
Great article!
I look at my dad’s generation — including his coworkers, my bosses, my uncles, etc. — and I always think about how gentlemanly their behavior is. And I watch my absolute favorite movie, Pride & Prejudice (the BBC version), and think “Jane Austen had it right all along.” Gentlemanlike behavior will get men VERY far in life.
Thank you for calling attention to this social issue!
sophie~ — I think you’ve raised an interesting point. How do we know where politeness ends & chivalry begins? Does that mean you get annoyed at any boy who opens a door for you, but don’t mind if a girl does? I’m just curious, not trying to be rude or instigate a riot or anything ;>
Exactly right, Gala.
That’s the second half of my inspiration behind this article – believe it or not, guys actually are confused as to where the line is drawn. Sometimes its a ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ situation.
I’m making a generalisation here, but I personally think some girls get really defensive really fast about a guy being polite or courteous to them – particularly out in social situations. How does a girl determine whether a guy is being polite and nice for the sake of it, compared with knowing a guy has other motives..? Of course its sometimes glaringly obvious, but under other circumstances, I think its tricky for nice guys who are now too scared to be polite and courteous for this very reason. As I said, male friends of mine have voiced this opinion a lot, so I know this attitude is out there.
I guess my advice to guys out there from my article is to be nice and courteous anyway – whether you like the girl or not, you think someone is attractive, or even another person who’s just obviously having a bad moment. There SHOULDN’T be a reason for you to be gallant and courteous and respectul and polite. Sure some people might take it the wrong way, not accept an offer of help or even get offended. But at least you know you’ve done the polite and courteous thing and offered assistance.
X
I grew up in a town full of feminazis, so I completely understand why a lot of boys are afraid to go out of their way to be polite.
However, a small gesture really makes a difference. I was on the train yesterday and I couldn’t get my suitcase down, so a man a couple seats back got up to help me. I could have gotten it if I’d kept at it, but it made me feel really good that even though he was with his wife, he was willing to help me because he was polite.
Heee, my friends (and I, of course) think you are adorable and brilliant! Thank you :)
I second Amy’s point about plastering this article on public transport!
I too have at times felt like I was the only one in the carriage who would offer my seat to a pregnant woman…and even then, only to have it snaffled up by a mid-late 20s fit, healthy man in a suit.
Not that I have anything against a good suit ;)
I think everyone should be nicer to each other, more polite, and generally considerate of those around them.
my two cents :)
I did my ungrad at a school in the states (upstate NY)and boys were so polite, always holding doors open (even if it meant standing at the door for an extra minute while you were walking towards it), pulling out chairs, sharing books, ect. These were boys, ages 18-22, and they were all so nice. Now, I live in the UK, and the only men that would even imagine doing this for you are over forty. Now, admittedly, I do get the door held open for me, men let me go on trains first, and I even had a nice manager try and bandage my bleeding foot for me after I cut my foot open at a movie theater (I should not be allowed to wear flip flops!). But all these guys are older and I have to say, I don’t care what some women think about not wanting to be treated like a delicate doll…I want men of all ages to treat all women just like this. And guys, if a girl is rude or treats you like crap when you are nice, just think to yourself ‘Well, good thing I see what an ungrateful and rude person she is up front and I didn’t even have to buy her dinner’. And keep being nice! I appreciate it and all of my friends do as well.
I am a “feminazi”, as some would have it, so I’ll try to give my view on the debate.
I think the real problem arises when some men assume that women are incapable of doing some things on their own and express this view when they offer help. This may seem strange, and you might wonder who on earth would still think or act that way, but women’s liberation started to happen relatively recently, and there are still stereotypes in our culture.
For example, I recently had to drag a suitcase across London to catch a train from Paddington and was exceedingly grateful to the people (I think two men and a woman) who helped me get it up the steps in tube stations. But I was clearly struggling, and the people were really polite when they asked me if I would like them to help. If I’d had no problem and someone had come and asked me if I needed help I would have been slightly confused, but not really offended.
On the other hand, if I was struggling and some guy came over and said “I don’t think you can handle that, love, let me” or something equally patronising, then I probably would have glared and made a supreme effort to drop the case on his toes, then reply “Apparently not, oops” in the least apologetic tone ever.
I think it is fairly obvious most of the time when chivalry is just a cover for misogyny, but sometimes it is harder to tell, because people don’t wear their intentions on their sleeve.
I think as long as you know that you were trying to be helpful in a respectful way and don’t get discouraged when someone else doesn’t understand that, then you shouldn’t worry about it.
Some women are more defensive than others because they have have had bad experiences that lead them to be suspicious. It’s not worth trying to argue with them because you are only the exception to a rule in their case, so you can’t change their perception. But you can help to prevent other women from becoming that way by being polite and respectful and setting a good example for other people.
Yay Audrey on a regular basis! Your articles are always entertaining and helpful even if they are for males. Keep it up!
Hi Audrey,
I am considered to be a ‘nice guy’.
I was raised to help people and care about people and that’s what I do – however, i’m really surprised that most of my female friends insist that I should become a bastard in order to find a girl – This is what confuses me.
“ . . . if a girl is rude or treats you like crap when you are nice, just think to yourself ‘Well, good thing I see what an ungrateful and rude person she is up front and I didn’t even have to buy her dinner’ . . . “
OK, that is awesome. Love ya Audrey!
Lovely post, Audrey!
Hey Audrey!
Loved the article, so insightful, and so TRUE.
We gave this to a guy we know that needed some help with the whole gentleman concept… it went well :)
Thanks again! ♥
Budge – I know what you mean, girls always like the bad boys. But you need to believe me, it’s just not true. Try and think about what you value in a relationship. Bastards get girls, but don’t keep them. No girl wants to date a jerk. And eventually they all suddenly realise that bad boys never stick around, respect them or even love them. That’s the secret. Hang in there, tiger. It’s better to hold off and wait for someone amazing than it is to drop down to their level and know deep down that you’re ‘settling’.
Hey,
long time no see,
i just wanted to say that a guy should smile more like he’s saying “you’re cute” because if it’s a “what’s up” the guy could easily get stuck in the friend zone and fast. If the girl replies a smile that says “nothing much” it could mean she’s bored and could talk to you but doesnt really care. If a girl is into a guy they’re going to smile like the guy has a big milk mustache and doesn’t know it, she won’t try to smile this way but if she likes the guy it’ll escape and she won’t be able to stop it. Her smile could also look like she was caught, because the fact is she might have found you in the room already and was sneaking peaks at you. You don’t have to be hot, but if there is something there she’ll see you already.
do you have brothers audrey!!! seriously.
Do me a favor and discuss these things with my boyfriend. :]
Thank you!