How To Be A Gentleman

[ 15 January 2008, 12:01 ]

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Sitting at my tram stop last Thursday evening in the heat, I witnessed at least a dozen strapping young men standing around idle as an old lady tried to drag her packed shopping cart up the steps and onto the platform. Totally appalled, I stood up from my spot on the bench (which, incidentally, was snapped up immediately by another selfish, slack jawed male bystander), walked past the guys and lifted the cart up onto the platform for her. It took me five seconds and minimal effort, but she was so surprised and so grateful for it. The guys looked at me strangely, like I was some freak of nature. On the flip side, I got some huge smiles from some girls at the stop who obviously appreciated my gesture to help out a little old lady in the heat.

It got me thinking though — I remember a time when guys held doors open, said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, and charming men gave up their seats for the elderly, a pregnant lady, or someone who just looked like they’d had a rough day.

So what the hell happened? Well, believe it or not, but my male friends actually do voice their confusion and frustration after dates or nights out with friends, about not knowing what to say to a girl or how to act to show them they are actually a genuinely nice guy. They want to be pleasant, nice, and funny but don’t want to be dismissed as just ANOTHER guy with only one thing on their mind. They want to be polite, but not offensive. To be a gentleman, but not thought of as a sleaze.

See, chivalry’s not dead. It just got confused. With the push of equal opportunity and political correctness, I think most guys have the right intentions. It’s really easy sometimes to offend a girl just by being polite — as stupid as that sounds. Some guys unfortunately have good intentions, but come on way too strong or don’t know how to deliver. Others only use politeness as a way to pick up chicks, thus ruining it for everyone. The remainder — well, they’re just jerks.

So here’s my guide to being the perfect gentleman, in the hope you can exercise some of this in the real world and nice gestures and gallantry can be popular once more.

First impressions
You know that amazing feeling when you’re out somewhere and a cute girl flashes you a smile? You feel like a king, right? Nothing could necessarily come of it, and she might be down the road and around the corner by the time your brain’s caught up with the rest of you. But it’s still nice to have an acknowledgement that a cute girl thinks you look nice, or dress nice, or that she digs your shoes, or that you’re carrying a bag from her favourite store so you must be worth the effort.

Newsflash, superstud! Girls get that same amazing feeling if you smile at them first! And it’s the simplest, easiest, cheapest nice gesture you can give.

It’s all about delivery though, and I think this is the biggest problem we, as guys, face. Girls are scary, especially the ones you think are cute. I’m a nice guy, and I have loads of stuff to talk to a girl about. But I too have had that nervous knot in my stomach, unsure of how to actually talk to one or acknowledge one I think is amazing. The thing is that you need to have a little belief in yourself. Confidence. That’s the key.

Most males overthink things though, and try to cram too much into a smile. Obviously, your smile shouldn’t say, “Hey baby. You are one sexy mama and you should shimmy over here and get your fine self liquored up!” Nor should it say, “Hey. I think you’re cute and I was wondering if you wanted to come and hang out and have a chat and see if we have something in common because if we do I think it’d be awesome to hang out and go somewhere some place sometime and do something because I think you’re cool and interesting.”

Try and smile at someone as if you’re saying “Hey! What’s up?” without words. Because essentially, that’s all a smile to a stranger should say. Nothing may come of it, and that’s fine. All you want to do with a smile is give her your acknowledgement and respect. She might take it on board and that’ll be that. At least you brightened someone’s day. If you’re lucky though, she’ll flash you a “Hi. Not much…” smile back. And those, my friend, are awesome.

A compliment is a great way to break the ice or strike up a conversation with someone, but again, you need to be smart about it. You need to understand that a compliment is only good if it’s sincere. Don’t make stupid, back-handed sarcastic ones. And it can’t be too superficial either. So you think she’s cute or pretty. Of course you do, that’s why you’ve noticed her. Just stop and try not to be really shallow about it — what is it about her that you like? Try and work it out, but don’t blatantly stare while you do so, because you’ll look like a creep. It’s a delicate balance, I know, but it’s something we all need to learn: a general compliment will make you sound like Johnny Everyguy, and she’s heard all that before. Say something really specific or weird and you’re a creep that she’ll be telling her friends about over coffee tomorrow. No one wants to be THAT guy!

So if you find yourself noticing a girl some place and you want to be a gentleman about it, quickly ask yourself why you’ve noticed her. Maybe she’s got a button or a tee from an obscure band you like. Is she sitting at a table and reading your favourite magazine. Perhaps she’s just ordered that weird cocktail that it seems no one else but you likes at your favourite bar. Or maybe you love her laugh and just had to talk to her.

Something not so shallow, a little different, but most importantly, honest. That’s what you’re aiming for here. And that’s what’ll set you apart from the fifty other guys that’ve already stared at her boobs tonight, telling her she has a pretty “smile”.

Keep things positive
I mentioned above the ‘back-handed compliment’. Girls reading this will know what this is. I see and hear guys do these to my female friends all the time, and I don’t for the life of me understand it.

A guy will be interested in a girl, strike up a conversation and all is fine. But suddenly it’s like the 10-year-old inside of him takes over and he’s pulling the cute girl’s pigtails again — making sarcastic comments, saying negative things to ‘playfully tease’ the girl, flirting with their friends to ‘play hard to get’, sending mixed messages or just generally saying things that could be taken a number of ways.

I don’t get it, and I’m sure girls don’t want to play these games. So stop it!

Keep the politeness juices flowing
Okay, so you’ve broken free of your old selfish, pigtail-pulling ways and embraced your inner White Knight. She can see the nice guy you are and now you don’t want to mess it up. What do you do next?

Nothing, that’s what! Come on, this stuff is really easy and SHOULD be coming naturally for you if you were brought up right. Maybe you’ve just regressed into Caveman Mode, forgotten it all and gone over to the Dark Side. Well, bring yourself back to the light: it just boils down to being respectful. If going out on a date, pick the girl up or at least make sure you’re on time to meet her wherever you’re going. Let her sit first, or be extra courteous and pull out her chair to let her sit. Let her order first, engage in some appropriate conversation, listen to what she says, don’t start eating until you both have your meals, and make sure she’s comfortable and content throughout the meal. Obvious, huh?

And even if you have fallen for a girl who’s really switched on to the modern, PC way of life you can still be a gentleman. There’s such a good balance between males and females these days that we’re lucky to be part of, but most guys seem to take advantage of. For example, splitting a bill was frowned upon back in the fifties and most people go dutch these days. But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer to pay. It’s just manners. Politeness. A great gesture. It’ll make her feel special.

Just make sure it’s not an empty gesture. Because there’s nothing worse than that, and it’s game over well and truly if you’re found out to be a snake.

Check your libido at the door
This isn’t supposed to be a ‘how to talk to girls’ article though. My main point is that the more masculine half of the population used to be far nicer and respectful. And we need to get back into some good habits. I mean, what the hell happened to us? I’m not saying times are back to the point where you should take off your cloak and lay it in the mud to save a girl’s shoes. But the old lady at the tram just made me realise what the world is like right now. And frankly, I felt ashamed of every other guy that had just stood and watched her. But of course, if it was a blonde haired, large chested lass dragging a shopping cart onto a tram, suddenly every guy there would’ve been Don Juan reincarnated.

Why do you have to be interested in someone to be a gentleman? People say that guys will do anything for a pretty face, and ain’t that the truth. For shame, boys! That’s not how it should be at all. So I issue you a challenge: treat everyone the same and be a polite gentleman anyway — even if it’s just for the sake of being nice. Do at least one good deed a day, to anyone, anytime. In fact, do a million good deeds.

Seriously, do it! I dare you.

Strangers are just people you haven’t met yet
There’s nothing wrong with being nice to a stranger. I admit, times have changed since the old days when your parents were young, polite bucks and Boy Scouts were helping old grannies to cross the street. ‘Stranger danger’ is rife in everyone’s attitudes, and sometimes someone won’t even appreciate your efforts to be nice.

But that shouldn’t mean you keep to yourself and only interact with those you know, running in the same old circles. Where’s the fun in that?! A while ago, I made friends with a girl who catches the same train as me. I’d seen her get off at my stop before a few times, and one time she had a heap of shopping bags full of groceries. When we got off, I offered to help her out since my hands were empty and we were heading the same way. Nothing suss, no hidden motives – it was just a nice gesture. And she appreciated it. I was just some guy who’d offered to help her out. And from that came a great new friendship.

I don’t live on that particular line any more, but we do catch up from time to time, and she’s got some awesome friends who I now count as my friends too. And if you need more evidence, just think — even my friendship with Gala was started from a mere compliment and nice gesture.