How To Find A Boyfriend
[ 6 August 2007 ]
My first boyfriend & I!
(Note the dog collar. Very chic!)
“Well, my problem is that I’m still very young. I’m only fifteen, but there is only one thing on my mind — getting a boyfriend. It seems silly when I write it out, but everybody around me has so much experience in the boy department but I feel left out. I’ve never had a “real” boyfriend, only one or two little flings in middle school. I really just want somebody with whom I can share good times, and I’m just seeking some male attention. I don’t know what seems to be wrong me with me, but I can never get a guy! Do you have any suggestions?”
I wish I could tell you that liberal applications of a certain brand of lip gloss would instantly net you a man, but that’s just not how it works! The best thing I can say to you — which is so boring because you’ve probably heard it a million times — is “be yourself”.
I know how it is, though. I went to a private girls’ school, so my interactions with men were incredibly limited. When I was about 13, some of my friends knew a bunch of boys & we would all hang out & smoke cigarettes & listen to Smashing Pumpkins & Weezer & think we were awesome. I had a crush on one of the boys but it never turned into anything, & then that group of girls decided I wasn’t “cool” enough so they ditched me. You know how it goes!
A couple of years later, I had an entirely new social circle — one which had nothing to do with school at all. All my friends were at university or working, & there was this cafe called The Treehouse where I would spend almost all my time. It was really good for me to spend time with people like that — all of my friends were a bit “weird”, but very intelligent & good people in general. My first boyfriend was from that group of people. We started going out when I was 15. He was 20. It seemed a bit scandalous at the time but we were together for a year & a half, & I am so glad that he was my first boyfriend, rather than some little bastard my age who had no clue!
I guess what I’m saying is, don’t have any expectations. Your first boyfriend might be much older than you, or he might be your neighbour. I think that living your life, being open to people & pursuing happiness are all very conducive to finding a boyfriend. It’s always the way — just when you’re really happy & don’t feel the need for anyone, boom! Someone will come along.
Another piece of advice I would give is that you should think of boys as friends, rather than as potential love interests. They’re just people, like you & I! I have always been friends first with the people I end up getting involved with, & it is really the best way to suss someone out. You’ll know how they treat other people, how nice they are to their parents, whether they’re spoilt or sullen or prone to anger. That way, you’ll have a much better idea of whether there is any romantic potential!
Being fifteen is pretty difficult. Your parents are always on your case, you have a lot of incredibly boring schoolwork, peer pressure is at an all-time high & your body is constantly mutating, the likes of which you’ve never seen before! It’s a wonder we survive at all! I think the best thing I can tell ANY teenager is that it is ALWAYS best to be yourself. Changing to fit in to someone else’s idea of what is “cool” isn’t what is best for you. (Not to mention, why is someone else’s idea of what is “cool” more important than your own?) I was pretty much a total weirdo in school, & I think it served me well. It also guarantees that people like you for being you, rather than because you’re “cool” or whatever.
Stay sweet, & good luck!
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala 
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Great advice! :]
great advice! i was a “late bloomer” in terms of boyfriends and it was agony at the time, but looking back it doesn’t seem that bad. i didn’t have a proper boyfriend until i was out of high school, and didn’t have a serious relationship until i was almost 20.
“be yourself” is something that everyone, not just fifteen-year-olds, should embody. such a simple but effective philosophy. yay!
Boyfriend shmoyfriend! Blokes are fun – I really like them and they make great friends. Surround yourself with like-minded people (of both genders) – at your age I found drama club and senior Physics to be favourable hunting grounds ;-)
“You should think of boys as friends, rather than as potential love interests. They’re just people, like you & I!”
Excellent advice! I’m 39 and I’m still looking for someone with whom I’d be truly compatible. And there is still that “social anxiety” when it comes to dating. But your advice makes perfect sense and is certainly less stressful. Thanks Gala!
Most people would give a pretty condescending answer to a question like that, and I’m SOOOO glad that you’re not most people, Gala. :)
Wonderful advice, as always!
Nadine — Amen. I used to find men SO much easier to get along with than women, but I think now I have a bit of balance & can do both equally well!
‘tine — Totally! Friendship is awesome, you can never have enough friends. Having a lover is just a fantastic bonus.
Valerie — Haha, thank you! The thing is, while it’s tempting to say, “OH you have YEARS to CHASE BOYS, enjoy your YOUTH!”, it doesn’t help the letter-writer at all! Plus, it’s bollocks, if you’re 11 & want a boyfriend, then… go for it! Having a boyfriend when you’re young is really fun, so as long as everyone has some sex ed. & respects one another, go nuts!
Oh Gala I loved this! I just broke up with a guy and am getting ready to get back into the dating world, and this really helped. Thanks!
This is such a reminder of myself a few years ago. I was so self-concious and anxitious to fit in. Obviously one of those things was boys. many of my friends had already had boyfriends and their first kisses. Once I had started likeing a guy they would usually ask out anouther girl considered to be “cooler”. The problem was i was so nervous around the boys and could only see them as love intrests that i never got to know they very well. Not untill college where I relaxed and decided that a boyfriend wasnt so important and that it would happen naturally. This way i made several male friends who know me for who i am. Plus one of these male friends is now my first boyfriend (we have been together a year). Even though i went through so much pain and aukwardness, Im glad it turned out this way as I now hav a far more meaningful relationship whereby my boyfriend loves me for who i am.
This is what I love about your website – the photos and fun stuff you post appeal to the girly part of me but the advice you give is also really good and really relevant – I think you are going to revolutionize the fashion world lady!
I’ve always believed that you should never hunt out a boyfriend, but that you should let a relationship come to you naturally. Forcing something will in the end hurt someone.
And you don’t have to have a steady boyfriend, one that you spend every day together. Being young is about dating, about experimenting, about trying it all and deciding what you like the best. You don’t have to keep someone as a boyfriend (Even if you’ve known him for awhile- are even friends with him) if you don’t feel that kind of connection. If you do find someone with that sort of click, go for it! OTherwise keep your options open.
so i’m 18, single, and a bit lonely. thats sounds sad but like the person who asked the question i seriously crave a bit of lovin’. I have never had a serious boyfriend and whats more annoying is that I’m seriously attracted to one of my friends. problem? He has a girlfriend and they’re serious. grrr. I sometimes reckon I should go the home wrecking route, but then other times i figure I should cut my loses and just drop him as a friend. its been too heartbreaking to see them together… errrgh.
any advice for me guys? Or am i a hopeless case?
I waited years to end up with a good boyfriend. And the most important thing is “being yourself” and what that really means, is being comfortable with you act around other people (including boys). Whether being comfortable means you are loud and annoying and loving it, or quiet and a good listener and just fine with that role. You have to decide its okay right now to act that way around people. I think it is very hard to just be yourself, when you aren’t sure yet, who you are. It is okay not to have it really pinned down exactly who you are, as long as you are accepting of how you act around people socially.
The main thing I did, that helped me finally find the right man for me, was to give guys chances. If they asked me out, or showed interest, (unless they were like some sort of criminal), I gave them a chance and tried out a date (or a dance) or two. That made other guys realize I was friendly and made them less afraid of rejection. Boys are so scared that you will reject them and tell everyone what geeks they really are.
Good luck gals!
Well, I’m 15 too and I just had my first boyfriend (who broke up with me a couple of weeks ago)...
I may not have a lot of experience, but I would recommend getting to know boys before getting involved with them, I’ve liked many boys and would have wanted them to be my boyfriend, but once I got to know them better(almost) always they ended up not being good boyriend material, well, at least not for me… And also if you get to know them better you may end up not having a boyfriend, but a friend who you can rely on!!
Just look at the bright side until the time you have a boyfriend comes: you can hang out more with your friends, the money you would spend on buying them gifts or whatever can be spent on stuff for you, you have more concentration in school, etc
And remember: ALWAYS be yourself, because if that boy likes you for your fake self, but doesn’t like you for your real self he isn’t worth it.
That picture is totally adorable. He looks a lot like a guy I know in Wellington… I wonder if it’s the same person, Josh?
Another great article. From the perspective of someone now single and in their late twenties, I think you should also make sure that your relationship status doesn’t define you.
Don’t fall into anything you aren’t going to cherish because you want the experience or you’re lonely.
I’m waiting for that ‘perfect’ person for me and settling for anything else isn’t fair to me or the other person involved.
It is sooooo true!
Last semester I decided ‘I’m just going to be myself + do what I like!’ + I put a poster on my wall which read “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” And then? The best romantic relationship of my life just sort of fell into my lap. It sounds too good to be true, + maybe it is, but I swear it is like this. :)
Teehee!
Rebecca — I feel your pain. I once had a crush on this guy (a comedian) who was sooo hilarious & awesome that whenever I was around him, I suddenly became this very quiet, nervous freak! It was terrible. Of course, it never worked out. He started going out with a girl named after a hat (Trilby) & I was sad. Then I moved on, having learnt my lesson! ;D
Jessie Ngaio — Phew! Wow! Thank you! Heart heart!
Stubby — I usually find that just when I am totally happy being alone, a great guy comes along. It’s quite funny, really!
Nicola — I don’t advise going the homewrecker route. It will only bring you (& everyone around you) pain. Plus, if he is so subject to feminine wiles that he would ditch his serious girlfriend, I don’t think that says great things about him. Know what I mean? Maybe just give it a little distance, stay away from him if you can, do other things to take your mind off it. It will save your sanity! Good luck pumpkin!
sarasuperid — GREAT advice! Yes!
Diana — Amen. I once put off getting involved with a boy because I was really focussed on starting a magazine. Of course, once we got together I had no free time. Nightmare! There are definite upsides to singledom!
Kelly — Yes, it is Josh! Haha! He came to Melbourne a few weeks ago & we went out for drinks, it was very strange! Great advice, btw!
Beth — Yay, good for you! That’s awesome.
Ritalin — :P !!
I went to an all girls school too – I was pretty sheltered! As soon as I went to uni though it was like ‘wow boys!’ thing is I get on far better with blokes than girls their just so much more fun!
The worst thing someone can do is go out and get off with the first person they see. I despise the word ‘pulling’. Its all such a pointless exercise – it lives to serve embarrassment when you see them in town!
I split up wiv my 1st real bf bout a month ago and ive just got over him and im ready to get bac out there. Your advice really helped and it is so true that when your not lookin 4 a boy they come along so thats what im going to do, go out wiv my m8s and have fun and get gd friendships wiv boys and show every1 how much of a nice person i am and how i dnt need a man to make me happy!
Gd luck all u other single gals x x x
It is so hard to be yourself!!!! I wish guys would just approach girls and make ours lives much easier!!! I liked your article, ill try to use it inmy life!
i still have questions 1.i REALLY REALLY like this boy and i think he likes me but how can i figure out thay he likes me????
2.i like this boy how can i get his attention to make him ask me out????
(this belongs to #21)
P.S:I really need this help, i need an answer by May 29,2008… BYE!If yoou can answer this Question email me at zink5644@yahoo.com\
to michelle,
every boy is different.
good luck