How To Make Friends
[ 11 March 2008 ]
“i find myself in the terribly common, but still terribly sucky, position of being truly on my own for the first time in the Real World and feeling like i’m failing to handle it. i’ve lived away from home for years, but that was for college and busy internships. it is quite different when the only thing you’ve got going in your life is a dumb impersonal job when you are used to having lots of assignments and structure. you’ve wonderfully addressed the question of “i want a job i actually like”; now, i’m wondering if you can address the fact that it can be really hard to build a social life in the real world. i am bored and really lonely, and i find this makes me do bad things. i either stay in all day watching television shows or i go out and spend WAY to much money, trying to fill the hole with stuff instead of people. how do you do it? how do you meet people when you are broke and can’t afford to take classes in dance or yoga or anything — and moreover, when you feel like you’re pretty picky about who you find interesting?
the plus side is that i have a future of non-boredom to look forward to. i’ve been accepted to a prestigious PhD program that i’m really thrilled about, and i haven’t any doubt that when i move away to attend it in 6 months that the boredom and loneliness will melt away. but i know that simply cutting myself off right now and resigning myself to misery until i leave is not the answer, nor will it help me in the long run when i’m really done with school forever. so. you’ve been out of school for many years. how do you meet and keep great friends?”
I have written a couple of articles on this subject: Workplace Friendships, Being The New Kid & How To Settle Into A City (Part One: Social). The thing is, making friends is always something that can use more work. We could all enjoy the company of someone new.
So, my nonpareils, I give the floor to you. How do you make (& keep) friends?
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala 
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This really lifted my spirts a little
I just moved after living in a place for almost 7 years, and it kinda sucks being the new wierd girl but some people are sweet and I’ve learned to open up and people aren’t just going to come to me(all the time)
I grab an enthousiastic attitude and dive right in. I find that people enjoy being around enthousiastic people =)
A brilliant thing about the internet is that there are so many different people on it! My favorite way to meet people is through Livejournal, because I’m always crazy about SOMETHING (currently being bands like Panic At The Disco, Fall Out Boy, etc.! they are darling and amazing!) I can always find people to talk to about such things. If you’re a fan of a specific T.V. show, band, sport, whatever— someone will always be willing to talk with you about it. Great friendships are often made that will outlast any spontaneous obsession!
Being the current music-geek I am, I advise going to local concerts. Check local small venues with live music, like coffee-shops, or clubs, or even community centers, and see what bands are listed to play. Then look those bands up on the internet and pick ones you like to go see them live! You’ll make friends and find new favorite music. :)
Basically, don’t be afraid to talk to people, and take chances. You never know what’s going to happen!
I went from being in the same school with the same people for 12 years to entering college and taking classes with gasp boys for the first time. I just sat alone or sat next to someone and strike a conversation.
I also keep an upbeat attitude and greet people and introduce myself. The real trick is to always keep a smile on your face for a great first impression and remember to keep in touch!
Strike up convos with the people you have to deal with…ie if you go to the grocery store do a little bit more then just say “hi” to the cashier. Basically make small talk with the people you come in contact with. Host a party at your house. If any of your friends live near you, have a party where you have your friends bring a friend and then you meet all their friends.
xoxo
staar
I wish I was better at making friends! I’ve lived in Los Angeles for about a year and a half, and just now do I feel like I’m starting to make friends outside of people I know through my husband. Partly it’s because I’m shy, and partly it’s that LA is not an easy city to make new friends in.
But I’m rambling. My advice is to look in to groups that meet to engage in an activity you all like. My knitting group has not only made me friends in the group itself, but I’m starting to get chatty with the people who run the coffee shop we meet at. The nice thing with things like this is that they run cheap to free, always nice when you’re on a budget.
do you have a cute dog you can borrow? when i drag my dog out for a walk lots of people stop and talk.
search the internet for community courses, i found dance classes for $10 a go, and circus classes for $75 for 10 weeks. not expensive, fun, and best of all full of lots of different people
i spent a semester in england, and i made one really good friend-another american exchange student.
i look back on it now and at the time i thought i was doing the best i could to make friends, but i totally was not! i was really scared and i would just sit there waiting, hoping someone would talk to me.
my advice is to just stop being scared, put yourself out there. you really have nothing to lose. ask questions, smile, flirt, take peoples pictures, bake cookies, be yourself!
i’m about to go back to england soon and i’ll be dammed if i ruin it again by being clammy.
some great advice already. basically it’s just a good idea to get out there and do a variety of things and have an open mind and be willing to chat to anyone.
i seem to meet alot of my friends in weird places. my bf and i go into borders alot and there is a guy working at gloria jeans who used to watch us a bit and be really friendly when he served us. eventually he and his gf picked up the courage to come up to us at a bar one night and tell us that they had a couple crush on us (no funny business though)and they’re coming to my 21st on sat a year and a half later. so if someone makes an effort to talk to you, why not see what they have to say.
i’ve always been fairly picky with my friends (i switched groups about 4 times in highschool as i discovered how shallow or whatever else the people were)but when i’m out i’ll give anyone with a smile a chance. one girl who’d not that similar to my normal friends struvck up a convo with me out and about and then months later she showed me a great time in melbourne.
i would suggest go out more, preferably with a friend you are happy to split up with for a bit then rejoin later so you can free yourself up for meeting new people but so you can still feel safe and accompanied. see if you can’t find a little money to join a class of some sort and make an effort to ask anyone anything while you are there, that’s the best way to start a convo. if you can’t afford it, maybe you should get a part time job. i’ve made some great friends in my job. otherwise, why not become a regular somewhere? i’ve gotten several friends out of frequenting clothing/shoe/coffee/etc shops and chatting with the girl who works there. i now have made friends with pretty much all the indie girls in my local shopping area and we chat if we see each other out.
oh, and toilet lines at concerts work well too.
good luck, and have fun with it
Before I get close to anyone, I tell myself that if they aren’t someone good for me, they will not have the power to hurt me and I should not be too nice for my own good (a trap I sometimes pitfall when my energy goes to rogue causes). I always try and look into opportunities for discovery and fun, the way they make me feel and make a good effort into helping them feel as appreciated as they deserve to be. Taking a genuine interest in their life will help create a bond.
There’s nothing worse, and the longer it goes, the less confident you feel.
I think the Internet is the greatest place for this.
Join a group, meet up thing or start blogging and see if this attracts people to you.
The money thing is somewhat limiting, but means you have to be creative.
I the meantime use youtube to learn a new hobby like yoga, hooping, dancing or soup making. Then let the attraction bring people in!
The more you exercise and eat well the better you’ll feel anyway.
Good luck!
aww, ah no. that’s just too sad :( I can’t imagine that.
Sweetie talk to people. Everywhere you go make eye contact and smile. Don’t hermit yourself away. If you like a band, go to their show you’re almost guaranteed to have fun and you already have something in common with everyone there. If you books, go to a booksigning, either join a bookgroup or start one. If you’re into art? a gallery opening. I’d check out the local library too,they usually know what is going on about.
Even if you’re in some dirthole town there will still be a couple of decent pubs that have a bit of a buzz and live music in and enough people to/fro ing from college and jobs like yourself to strike up a few friendships.
I don’t know. i moved a year ago from a city to the countryside almost a year ago, where before I knew some people who lived near, but they weren’t close friends and by the time i moved there were dotted throughout the globe travelling/at college and whatnot. I am guilty of stalking some myspaces, finding some cute guys and seemingly likeminded girls and asking pretty much straight off “hey, I’m moving near you. I don’t know anyone, want to meet up sometime once i’m there”
This works marvellously if you are a girl and non creepy. For guys I am not too sure…
And the best advice anyone can give you is just to be as confident as you can in yourself. I was super, super quiet in college too, I just got less worried of what people thought of me after I graduated. I used to internalise eveything and have these really intense friendships [not the best kind imho]and keep my opinions locked up. Then i thought hey, this is my life. I am going to do whatever the hell I feel like doing and consequences be damned. Be fun and don’t be afraid of making yourself open, ENJOYING YOURSELF (imagine some people feel silly doing this) and know when you need to say “no”.
I think making new friends/building a community in a city is much the same as snagging the dream job – and as hard. There’s a lot of self-marketing involved, and certainly persistence. You have to put yourself out there, and to really work at it, but you’ll get there.
I often start in the workplace. Ask someone who seems cool to get coffee – maybe on a break or something – and have a chat about something other than work, whatever you have in common. It might seem weird, but even at some of the crappier jobs I’ve had, I’ve made some good friends. You just have to go out on a limb. I once invited a coworker that I barely knew to come help out at a light hang I was volunteering at, simply because he’d expressed an admiration for theatre (my field) in general. To my surprise, he agreed. We got coffee beforehand and he brought his portfolio – another artist, aha! – and we had this nice long getting-to-know-you type chat before the hang. We had a blast at the hang, and then we got free tickets for helping out. Even better, not a year later, my now-friend was opening his own bar and hired me to do some special-effects painting work on it. A keen gig, a new friend, who knew? Moral of the story is don’t be afraid to take risks.
Also, if you’re strapped for cash, get your hands on a local independent newspaper, a la the Village Voice. You know, that paper. Flip through the first 20 pages or so. There is almost always a listing of free upcoming events for the week: lectures, volunteering opportunities, concerts, shows, anything! You might meet people there, and you’ll almost certainly be getting out of the house and having some new experiences in the meantime. This saved me beacoup de bucks when I was unemployed and made sure I still had a vibrant cultural life.
best of luck!
find out about your local flashmob event ;)
there’s one coming up in perth on april 5. ooh! zombies! free apart from some fake blood
I am a solitary soul with few , but true, friends. For a long while I lived a lonely existence of a hermit. Through my school year friendships just seemed to gravitate towards me, I was never popular but I always had afew good friends that I connected with effortlessly. This all changed when I graduated from Uni and moved to a small town from the city.
What followed were many years of social isolation, that taught me the things that most people just seem to know from birth, or learn without conscious effort. I had to study up on lonliness and on friendship, as silly as that sounds, but I learned a lot about myself about what I was doing wrong.
Probably the biggest lesson that I learned was that I needed to lower my expectations of others, and the relationships I had with them. I had always had such deep and natural connections that I thought that was the norm, however, I learned that truly it takes a lot of time, and effort and understanding to make friends, as well as it also takes a spirit of acceptance. If you don’t accept peoples limits your need for friendship can come off as needy or creepy. I’ve never had anyone say that to me but I figure that’s a lot of the reason I took so long to make friends.
So you see you can have many different ‘levels’ of friendship. I wish that English had better words to describe. You have basic acquaintances, that you say hello to, smile to, converse about their children with etc when you run into each other at the supermarket or are on your shift at the soup kitchen. Then you have those that might actually once in a while take you up on an invitation or extend one to you. These are good thing, all friendships don’t need to be super deep discussing heart attached ones. Sometimes just knowing that your on someones e-mail list when the have a ‘tupperware’ party is a good thing. Show up to their events and show interest in them and their friends, you never know when you might click with someone who is a deep friend. Then you have deep friends, the friends you call when you have a bad breakup or when your cat died. Those are hard to find, and they take time and patience, when you find them keep them, even over distance. Facebook, e-mail, MSN them, not in an annoying obsessive way but gently let them know you are there for them… because they’re really super special. (also accept that some people that are super special to you, might not find you as equally super special lifes just like that, and the more you accept that the happier you’ll be!)
Learn to show an interest in others, try and let go of your narrow field of vision of what is interesting at least for a little while. Show human interesting there are things that you get to know about people that get revealed in time, after many conversations I finally found out a friend had musical talent, it wasn’t something she ever talked about in day to day and something she is apprehensive to admit. (she’s shy) but yet we have that in common that discovery will always stick out in my mind even though she’s a ‘situational’ friend. Talking with her when I run into her is always a pleasure, I treasure those moments for what they are, I did try and invite her to do a few things, I got the brush off, I accepted it. I still think she’s an amazing wonderful person and am glad when I do interact with her on those few ocasions that we do talk.
Smile, I had to do this, I set myself the task of leaving the house , going to the store and saying hello to everyone I knew with a genuine smile, with the focus on the gratitude in the interaction, sincerity. It gets easier, I still have days where its hard for me to remember to be friendly but I definitely try a lot more now than I use to.
Take chances, one of the most amazing people I know I met at a fundraiser, we were the only 2 people under 30 and we honestly gravitated towards each other for sanities sake it was truly dull. We only see each other afew times a year but we always connect and share stories, can tell each other anything and trust each other. Honestly you never know if Random person you bump into and drink half a bottle of tequila with might be one of those friendships that saves your sanity once in a while (I really do NOT recommend drinking half a bottle of tequila, but if you have to at least let it be something that bonds you to someone socially ;) )
Volonteer, volunteer, volunteer, so you’re broke do something that is free, something that HELPS out , it will give you a feeling of accomplishment, make you feel like you are contributing , and you might just make some friends as long as you show interest in the other volonteers, ask them questions. Bonus points for picking something that interests you because you’ll likely bump into people that are interested in it to. So if you’re a sci fi junky, volunteer at the star trek convention or to help at the local science fare or some such. If you are into the arts, maybe you can help out with a play, or a music show etc. Look for the opportunities you’ll be surprised what you find. You can’t lose because at least you do something good even if you don’t come out of it with super close friends.
Are you into Sport? Do you love hockey, so you can’t afford those 100$ LA Kings tickets or whatever, find out what youth sports are in your area, can you go to university or high school sports for cheap. If that’s what your into it’s a good way to meet other fans. Also volunteering in coaching. OR play a sport, recreational fees shouldn’t be too bad if it’s a sport like soccer or something. Even find a pickup group.
Do you have a pet, walk your dog. Cliché but true, take a walk in the dog part to meet other animal lovers.
Love books, find a book club that’s doing a book your interested, ask your friends scour the papers etc.
Another commenter mentioned local papers, definitely the free ones, always cover the scene. Find out whats going on in your city that you can check out. Be open minded so you might not currently think going to watch people drum is your scene if its free what harm is there in checking it out, you can always leave if its really not your thing.
Oh and your church/mosque etc if your at all into organized religion it’s a good way to find people find a group that meets, just to hang out. You never know who you’ll get to know there might be a dance loving art major just like you (or whatever you’re into).
Present yourself with an image you like. Dress in a style that you want to attract, its superficial perhaps but I think putting yourself together is never a bad idea. I don’t personally care what my friends look like but I try to put together a together image to exude to the world. I never use to do that and it has really helped me. Smile, with sincerity to people. Its about them, not you. Honestly friendship is about letting go of selfishness and opening yourself up to the world. IN the same respect listen, patiently and don’t gossip. And the hardest one, be Brave, Initiate contact with people. Make phonecalls, and send e-mails. And if you get a rejection, shrug it off and call someone else, e-mail someone else. Because friendships are a #’s game. The more you put yourself out there, the more you try the more chance you have of making friends that will rock your world.
All the best in your friend making adventures, I am ever learning, and ever striving to make myself into a better person and a better friend.
xoxo – Kay (The Canadian One)
Thank you for posting this… these comments here are going to help so many people and I hope the person who originally sent the question will come back and read everything including the sage advice by Kay (The Canadian One) and others. It’s really, really spot on. Social IQ plays a major part and can always be improved with work.
I’d only add that while you’re getting out there why not take up some sort of art in place of TV? It could be anything from painting to jewelry making. Pencils and paper to sketch is pretty cheap. Sometimes we just can’t help but be stuck indoors at home but when you’re expressing yourself through art there is such a release of emotions and you also have a real feeling of accomplishment when it’s finished. Art is all about raw feelings and times like these, as painful as they are, can sometimes end up turning into something extraordinary.
Advice for non-internet interaction:
If you’re shy, maybe get a drink or two in you.
A good place to meet girls/girls you’d have stuff in common with is a local bar that plays the kind of music you’re interested in.
Compliments get you everywhere.
If you see someone interesting shoot them a compliment, if they’re sweet, they’ll shoot you one back… or at least b.s. with you for a while.
With me, a discussion about fashion is the easiest way to make an instant friend.
Share a secret, be it your favourite little secret place to buy cute stuff online, or give ‘em the latest scoop on a new collection coming out that you’re totally psyched about.
Good luck!!!
I spent a year in the UK and I defently agree with the internet and joining fourms that have things that intrest you and have like minded people. Even if you don’t meet the people you are talking to, even talking to someone online can give you a social connection.
Sometimes here I feel a little jarred, since only one or two of my friends are very alternative or gay or into the same types of things that I am, even though I love my friends its really nice to talk to someone who understands what your going though or what your blabbling on about.
If your into sports I suggest taking up a sport. I used to play netball and girls soccor and at $5 per game I couldnt go wrong. If you play an instrument, try to join a band. Not every hobby is expensive.
I have kind of like the same problem… I moved to Sweden from Mexico almost 9 months ago, and I have no friends at all… I know this two girls from Colombia, I’m 20, one of them is 19 and the other 35. I hang out wit them sometimes but I don’t really like them, I think I just hang out with them because I can speak spanish with ‘em.
Also, everybody tell me that in order to feel me better in this country I should get some “swedish friendships”, but I have no idea of how to do that since I go to swedish school only with foreign people.
I’m starting to feel so desperate, I just want some company my age. Oh, and the cherry on the top is that I have Asperger’s syndrome. Guess I’m kind of screw, ah?
So, if the girl asking for advice lives in Stockholm… Give a call, I’m a very nice person!
Most of the advice I would have given – join after-hours clubs based around hobbies you enjoy/things you want to learn, smile at people constantly and present yourself well – has already been said so I won’t bore you with repetition, but one thing to keep in mind is that you may not click with people you feel you ought to. I was lucky in that I came to college with a good few friends, but I expected to make a lot of new friends in my English course. In the end, I didn’t make that many – a lot of people were cliquey, or uninterested, or just not the sort of people I’d get on best with. I went into psychology classes with no such expectations, believing that people would be very competitive or just not ‘my’ sort of people. Less than 6 months on, I spend ridiculous amounts of time with psychology people and rank one of them among my (very few) best friends.
I guess my point is that sometimes, where you expect to meet a lot of kindred spirits isn’t always where you find them, but sometimes great friends show up where you don’t expect them to be!
One idea for the advice-seeker could be looking for friends online from the area where you’ll be doing your phD. That way you could avoid the same kind of loneliness in 6 months’ time! Best wishes, congratulations on the phD placement and I hope everything works out well for you! You too, Aurea!
* Try sharing a house rather than renting alone. You might make friends with your flatmates, or with their friends
* If you have time, take on another small part time job or do some freelance work – colleagues & clients are potential friends too.
* Introduce the friends that you do know. The more people everyone knows, the more likely people are to plan fun stuff to do & include you.
* Accept invitations out, even if you are a little shy or don’t feel like it. Consider it an investment in your social future!
* Politely join another groups’ table if a bar/food joint is crowded. Often two conversations will spill over.
* Casual house parties are great – after a few drinks everyone gets talking. Also, chill-out/smokers’ areas at clubs are full of people who have taken a break from the rest of their group and are happy to chat to strangers.
* Plus there’s always the usual free or low-cost casual sports teams, classes, clubs & interest groups
Ooh, I love reading these! While I’m doing fine with creating friendships just now, I’m still in college, so I know that it’s much easier to be sociable now than it will be in the “real world”...
I’m sure that I’ll be able to find activities that interest me, but my big concern is that I won’t feel comfortable going to them all by my lonesome. Sure, SOME days I feel amazing and like I can do anything single-handedly (even make new friends out of the blue!), but most of the time I know that I’d need to drag a friend along to feel comfortable in such a new situation. But what if I’d be completely transplanted and didn’t HAVE any friends to drag along yet? Hmmm….
Don’t worry about making friends so much as getting yourself out there. Once you have that down, the rest should just sort of happen.
When I moved for school, I met my best friend at a house party where I didn’t know anybody, and we bonded over having no friends. I met some other friends at a concert a state and a half away when I got whacked in the head and neededf a hand standing up. Really, you can make friends anywhere.
Since I didn’t know anybody when I moved, I sat at home a lot because I didn’t have any friends to go out with. Eventually I got bored and started going everywhere by myself, and I know a lot more people now. It’s a lot less scary than it sounds.
I’m in a similar situation at the moment. Okay, the difference is that I already have two friends, whom I adore, and I can talk with them abpout anything, but we have very different interests, so if we try to go out together (we tried it about hundred times xD) it always fails. I would like to meet people with interests like mine, but I don’t really know anyone like me. I know I should go to places where I can meet people with similar interests, etc., but I don’t really feel like going out alone… maybe I should make a try or something.
Going out alone really isn’t as bad as it sounds. Plus, it not only makes you more approachable (and since you don’t have anyone to hide behind, you’re more likely to approach other people), but you also only have to worry about your own schedule. If somebody invites you to something fun, then you can just pick up and go and not worry about your friends not wanting to go or having to go home or whatever.
I moved to the UK two years ago for school. Yes, I met people on my course (but found a lot of them to be dull) and I lived with people (but they were awful, people I would not have picked had I had a choice). but I still made loads of friends, and here is what I did:
1. Smile. Smile all the time. I smile when I walk down the street, when I am in the shops, when I am waiting for the bus. And people stop and talk to me. Even though some of the people end up being creepy, most turn out cool.
2. Talk. A continuation of above. Don’t just talk to people in your class or at work, but to sales people, bus drivers, people in the grocery store. I met a really nice girl who served me at Jenners Dept store one day. We had similar taste in clothes and it was nice. I made friends with a girl who always sold me my lunch at Boots. Look at every person as a potential friend.
3. Get a part-time job. Sounds counter-productive? I know you already have a job, but it sounds lame and probably filled with lame people. I worked 10 hours a week at a clothing store that I loved, a little boutique. I am now best friends with a girl I worked with and would consider all of my co-workers friends. Pick a place you love and would go into even if no one was paying you. You can work as little as 8 hours a week. My friend Dave volunteers 8 hours a week and makes friends where he volunteers, plus he feels great about it. You can’t always make money and work where you want at the same time, but you can try!
4. Laugh at yourself. When I drop things (I do it all the time) or trip (ditto), I laugh and brush it off. Almost always, someone offers to help and then I use rule number two, and talk to them.
5. Join a networking group. I don’t know if you live in a place that has one, but I live in Edinburgh, and there are about 500, ha. You can go on Gumtree and find one no problem, or google it. These groups are chock full of active people who love hiking, camping, bar hopping, theater, music, movies, frisbee and more AND they want to meet you. Really. And since they want to meet people and have friends, they are super friendly.
6. Learn to bake. I make my co-workers cookies and muffins all the time and it makes them want to talk to me. True, out of the 60 co-workers I have had, I only really managed to make friends with two of them, but they came to my birthday (with presents!) and invited me to their houses for dinners, so I call that a win.
7. Make sure you are cooking. Once you have a person talking to you, nothing makes them like you better than a small dinner party. Four people, food, some wine, and some music..you’re set.
8. Be nice to everyone. For some reason, normally nice people that I know, tend to be rude in bars or at parties when strangers approach them. WHY?!? I am nice to everyone. I met my boyfriend at a party while waiting for the bathroom and my friends told me to blow him off. Together the entire time I have been here…well I would have been really missing something if I had been rude. Plus, being nice to people makes everyone around you think you are nice. Elbow some girl at the bar, cause the people you are with to think you are pretty rude and not worth the time.
Good Luck!
oh, i can totally sympathize with this. i’ve moved five times in the past eight years, and every time it feels like starting over, especially friend-wise (also finding-the-best-local-pancakes-wise). i’m not always the best at solutions — in fact, i just moved to a new town a few months ago, and all these comments are really inspiring! — but here’s a few things that have worked for me.
—exchange business cards with * everybody * (or at least, everybody you like and wouldn’t mind seeing again). then you’ve got a growing e-mail list of possible friends.
—be an organizer. my current thing is setting up a bar trivia team. if i meet someone cool, but that might be awkward just to invite for a coffee sometime, i say, “hey, do you like beer and trivia? want to be on my bar trivia team?” it’s a less-stressful social invitation than a one-on-one thing and is actually seriously fun.
—look for freebies. in my city, there are plenty of coffeeshop knitting groups, open mic nights, in-store events, free concerts and the like. go, mingle, get out there.
—read the leading local fashion and event blogs. they’re another great source of freebie and fun, social activities. and, if you find a blogger you really like, attend one of the events she’s hosting or ask her to meet for coffee sometime. she might not be up for it, but bloggers are usually pretty social people. it never hurts to ask!
—hobbies help. especially cheap ones, like knitting or running or rollerblading or library book groups or something. there are usually places/clubs/impromptu gatherings for people will similar interests. don’t have a hobby? start something new. if i’m really having a tough time making friends, then i tell myself at least i’ll use the empty spaces of time to better myself.
—everyone does not have to be your best friend. sometimes i meet someone, and i think, this person is nice, but they’re not quite * my * type of person. you know what? that’s okay. could be they’re shy and you need more time to get to know them. could be they have a friend who * is * your type of person. could be they’re a social ringleader and will invite you to stuff and you don’t actually have to talk to them. basically, don’t be overly picky and don’t dismiss anyone. you never know where it might lead.
I moved to a big city after spending the first 20 years of my life in a small town. I didn’t know ANYONE. I was lucky in the sense that I was going to school at the time so I was around people who also didn’t know anyone… but I was also horribly shy prior to that.
I’ve been here for two and a half years, and am a COMPLETELY different person now. Much more outgoing, sociable, confident, and happy with who I am.
It took a lot, though.
Meeting ONE solid person who you can do things with is a great starting point. Trying to establish a group of friends right off the bat is overwhelming and unrealistic. If you can find one special (or even sort of special) person to go out and do things with, you’ll be off to a great start.
You can’t be afraid to talk to people, either. I have friends now who I met through really strange (at the time) situations. One of my best friends now is someone who I used to bump into in a coffee shop and bullshit with. I also just became friend with a girl who was hula hooping at a local park! Just be brave and smile at someone. People can be so friendly and kind if you put yourself out there. You really have to be willing to try, though.
Also- MySpace… not so bad! It sounds crazy, but if you bump into someone all the time and haven’t been brave enough to ask them to hang out- do a little online stalking (not in a scary way haha) and add them as a friend! Or even ask a random MySpace friend to hang out sometime- go get coffee or go on a bike ride. Just do something public and safe!
BE BRAVE!
I’ve recently been on a crusade to make new friends myself as my best friend lives in the other side of the world and I see more of her than I do of any of my acquaintances in this city. So I use a method that I would appreciate if people were approaching me. Compliments. If i see someone who appeals to my aesthetic in look, style , attitude etc. I usually find something about what they are wearing that I love. I have been known to stop someone on the street to ask where they got their great hair cut, or a waitress to compliment her on how she manages to make her uniform have much more personality than her co-workers.
My most recent friend is a guy I have seen once a week for the last two years at the pool where I take my daughter swimming. For two years I sat way over the other side of the pool and kinda eyed him and his kids as he was the only dad there – unusual. When I got a little close I discovered he has an amazing Koi tattoo on his leg, similar to one I am having done at present. So I struck up a conversation and asked who his artist was. Now, after all that wasted time, I have a friend with whom I actually have loads in common with both him and his wife. So by taking a chance I even met a bonus friend in his wife. (I am married by the way, and it turns out he even has lots in common with my husband)
I guess this means- Take a chance – People are rarely thinking about you what you THINK they are thinking.
This is awesome!
I’m moving to a BIG city soon and the thing I’m most nervous about is how I’m going to make friends in such a big place. This will be so helpful to read when I move there!
I guess most of the things I have to say have already been covered – except one that I can think of. ASK for someones number! Girl, guy, whatever. Treat it like you’re asking someone out on a date. You’re standing around chatting with someone random that seems cool, or someone you kinda sorta but don’t really know and just pull out your phone (as if checking the time or something) and say ‘hey, what’s your number. Maybe we could go do _______ sometime. I love it when someone asks for my number, and even more when they follow up on it! I drunkenly gave my number to a girl I had started chatting with at a bar one night, then she called me up a few days later and asked if I wanted to go snowboarding with her! So we did and it was good times!
It really can’t be said enough times – just put yourself out there and go for it!
hey—I have been there too!when I moved to milan to go to university!when I arrived there, I knew nobody, nobody knew me, and above all, nobody even seemed to care about wheter I loved theatre, painting or whatnot—everyone seemed so different from me (in my uni most people are really poshy as it’s private)!obviously, my 1st year there sucked!I made only one real friend (with whom I’m still friends now btw) but i couldn’t see to fit in…so by next year I had almost given up completely on fitting in (but still suffered inside for this!) when my sister gave me an amazing tip. it may sound really stupid and simple, but it does work! if you are too shy to start conversation yourself with random people in your class, limit yourself to smiling at people when they make eye contact, and generally try to project a ‘friendly’ attitude, and they will come talk to you!now as i said this sounds really stupid but it really works!think about it, if you entered an empty classroom with only one person there, and the person was grumpily sitting there staring at his newspaper, you’d probably go sit at the other end of the room and wait for your friends to come, & probably even think ‘whoa that guy looks boring’. instead, if you enter a room and this guy is sitting there and just raises his head from the newspaper to smile & nod at you, maybe you’re not going to sit close to him & start conversation right away, but if you have a question regarding the course or whatever you’ll go to him because he looks friendly et voila, conversation started:)i wouldn’t be sugesting this if it hadn’t worked for me!in the begininning i thought ‘this is going to make me look like an idiot’ but actually it makes you look like a cool, happy person people would like to hang out with!
so i did this, and soon I met a guy, who introduced me to his small group of friends, we started talking during breaks, then going out together, and apart from having gained a group of fun and interesting people to spend time with, I also got one of my best friends ever!
so, stay positive and look positive & people will come:)plus, as already mentioned, don’t be afraid to offer help, compliments, ask questions, these are all ways to 1)start conversations 2)give out a positive image of yourself that will leave people wanting to know you!
good good luck with your new adventure!!
I’m not a relationship guru but what i can say is that be yourself!!! very cliche but its the best cliche! don’t change yourself to fit in. Those people just aren’t the type of people you’re comfortable with!! and if you aren’t, you wouldn’t be happy of the painstaking compromises.
what i do is, I give off a happy aura of acceptance.
I hope that helps!!
as the lady who originally submitted this query, i send a great big thank you to you guys. i certainly feel like i have a lot of friends here, thanks to you & gala.
it has been a rough few months for me, including some unemployment and the very recent end of a two-year relationship, but it helps a whole lot to come to this forum and be reminded that i am pretty awesome and i shouldn’t be afraid to go out and show people that. here’s to new beginnings.
love to you all!
I often have trouble making friends myself, and I have a few suggestions. I definitely second picking up a paper along the lines of the Independent, or the Village Voice and finding groups or concerts to attend.
Another thing that has helped me a lot lately is I picked up a second job. While this may sound counter-productive, it is actually wonderful in three separate ways. I not only have a little extra cash (and free coffee anytime!) I also have a veritable bevy of regulars who know my by name and vice versa. I have often spent time with them outside of work – even just knowing their faces, for starters, helped me recognize them outside in the real world. Thirdly, my coworkers are awesome!! Now, believe me I have worked some terrible jobs, but this is a small independent coffee shop, which contributes to not only the quality and regularity of customers, but also of the staff. These girls are now some of my best friends and I’m planning on rooming with one of them in the upcoming year.
I know that it may not always be feasible to take on a second job, but it was necessary for me and has really been to my benefit all around.
I hope this helps a little bit.
hi im nine it will be great to make friends.Im really looking forerd to being friends.Well beacuse I have no friends well I do have one.