I Cheated On My Lover. Now What?
[ 4 November 2008 ]
Photo by Miles Aldridge.
Infidelity. First of all, let’s get this out in the open: cheating on someone is not cool, & there is no excuse. People have reasons for cheating, certainly, but that doesn’t excuse their behaviour. We are all in control of ourselves, after all.
Now, let me pose you a hypothetical situation. Let’s say you’re in a committed relationship, & have been for a while. 6 months have passed, maybe a year. Something happened — you met someone else, & you got involved. Now what? Should you come clean?
I discussed this a couple of weeks ago with a friend of mine, who will remain anonymous. He told me that he thought it was selfish to tell your partner if you’d cheated on them. He said that regardless of how important you personally felt it was to unburden or absolve yourself, it was ultimately self-indulgent & self-interested. He felt that dragging someone else into the situation you had created was unfair, & that no matter how good it felt to finally tell the truth, that would never balance against the pain they would feel upon hearing it.
I agree with that to a certain point, but the problem with it is that it grants the cheater all the control. It is then totally up to them to either continue the relationship (& leave their partner in the dark as to what has happened), or to bow to their conscience & end it.
It seems obvious that in a relationship, you should be open & honest — which means giving your partner all the information they need in order to make an informed decision. If you cheat on them, surely they should be given the chance to make a call as to whether they want to stay with you or not.
Why do people cheat in the first place? There are a million possible reasons, such as boredom, fear of commitment, the thrill of the chase, or just because the opportunity presented itself. If you have cheated in the past, I think it can be very valuable to look at the reasons why you did it, so that you can prevent it from happening in the future.
Another friend of mine, who will also remain anonymous, recently told me about her relationship patterns. She typically found it hard to break up with people, because she didn’t want to hurt them, so she would let it drag on & on until she got sick of them. She would be so sick of them, in fact, that she started to actively dislike them, & would move so far away emotionally that she started acting as if she was single. Then, as if by some miracle, she would meet someone else she liked. Things would progress, & after she slept with them, she felt like it was almost a “get out of jail free” card. She would think, ‘Oh, well, I obviously can’t stay with so&so any more”, & she would end the relationship (with great relief). She also never confessed about having cheated, thinking it was pointless now that the relationship was over, anyway.
I believe quite strongly that in order to cheat, there has to be some kind of problem in the relationship. Of course, that’s an easy statement to make, because most relationships have problems of some kind, but if you were perfectly happy with your man or woman of choice, how likely would you be to cheat?
Now, by saying that most people who cheat are acting out of imperfect relationships, I don’t mean to shift the blame to their unwitting partner, nor do I mean to point at the cheater & say, “It was all you!”. It is rarely that simple. Sometimes we have conflict because one person has a belief or a hang-up or an issue that their lover just isn’t capable of dealing with. They either lack the knowledge, or the tools, or the awareness, or simply the desire to tackle it. But sometimes it’s just that you two don’t communicate, or you’ve grown apart, or you have nothing in common any more. Sometimes you fall out of love. It happens.
One thing I do believe is that it’s not right to stay in a relationship with someone after you’ve gotten involved with someone else — whether that is emotional, physical or otherwise. (Sex on the astral plane!) Especially if you don’t tell them. If your partner is 100% committed to you, totally in love & everything else, I’d almost go so far as to say it’s not fair to monopolise them if you can’t bounce those feelings right back at them with just as much passion & devotion. I mean, if you really care about them, surely the right thing to do is to set them free. Let them find someone who will treat them as they deserve to be treated. Be brave enough to admit that you aren’t that person, & allow them to live their life.
So, what’s the next step? Do you tell, or do you keep quiet? Do you stay, or do you go? Ultimately, it’s your life & you have to do what feels right for you, your relationship & your circumstances. A 23 year old girl might behave differently in this situation to how a 50 year old man with children does. There is no one true answer, no real “right” thing to do, even though we all probably believe we know what’s best.
How do you feel about this? Have you ever cheated on a partner? If so, did you tell them? What happened next?
Extra For Experts:
Why Do People Cheat In Romantic Relationships? This is so interesting, especially this part: “Infidelity could be a regulatory emotional strategy used by people with an avoidant attachment style. The act of cheating helps them avoid commitment phobia, distances them from their partner, and helps them keep their space and freedom.”
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
Tags: life,
question Share this! + Email This + Del.icio.us
+ Facebook
+ Stumbleupon
+ Technorati
Fabulously wise post, Miss Gala.
I’ve never commented on your blog before, but I’m an avid reader and I figured it was time to come out of the woodwork. I’ve never cheated and would like to think I never would, but all that “if you really love them, set them free” business has really hit me hard. I’m going through a tough time with my boyfriend and have been considering letting him go… but I’m scared of hurting him!
It’s wonderful to open up my web browser every day and find advice that seems tailor-made for the problems I’m having in my life. Thanks so much for that, Gala.
I have ‘cheated’, but been open about it. Perhaps it was the most hurtful thing to do to your partner. I told him, “I think I’m falling in love with someone else. :(”
I didn’t do it because there were problems in our relationship. I simply did it because I felt I had met someone better – it can happen to anyone. Eventually, I found I was wrong about this new person and everything went back to normal. And that’s my story. :)
Amykins — It’s such a cliche but it really is true. It’s just not fair to hold on to someone when they could be with someone who will love them more than you do. I mean, ouch, right? But it’s true. Anyway, thanks for coming out of the woodwork & I am delighted to be able to help. By the way, I think often we have to hurt people to help them in the long-run, & you’re obviously a good person because you still care about him. Listen to your intuition & do your best!
Doe Deere — Ah, that’s the thing. Even if you’re in the most wonderful relationship, it’s always entirely possible for someone to come along who is more suited to you, more inspiring, more exciting. There’s a question on an OKCupid profile test thingy which asks, “If you were in a great relationship, would you still be open to someone better coming along?” Which can be hard to answer honestly, I guess we would all like to think that we are die-hard & loyal, but that’s really not how it is. Relationships are messy! Eeeesh!
Yeesh! I can’t believe your one friend says that telling your partner about your infidelity is selfish! On the one hand, I CAN see where he’s coming from, but the more I think about it, the more obvious it seems that telling is the more selfless thing to do! It opens you up to shame, the anger of your partner, and all that fun stuff.
At least, I’D want to be told if I were cheated on!
Bwahaha!
Ok, first of all I love, love, lovveee this article! Excellent job, as always!
Secondly, how could I not keep from laughing when these two articles were, ahem ‘on top of each other’ in my Reader?
farm4.static.flickr.com/3034/2…
I think you HAVE to tell. If you cheated, you put your partner at risk. I have a friend who cheated and hasn’t told her partner. It was unprotected. Her partner needs to get tested but it won’t happen until she comes clean. SUCH a bad situation…
Lucy Wiggins — Hahah. That’s brilliant. & I used that quote last week! Or something!
Rachel — Unprotected sex, ugh, the mind boggles. Yeah, in that situation, you have to tell. Life or death, yo!
It amazes me every time I read one of your advice articles how well researched and perfect your advice feels. I have, luckily, never been in this situation but if I ever am I know that this is here to help.
I seriously feel like that about every single one of your articles.
Maya — Aw, that is lovely, thank you. I barely feel like I gave any advice in this article, though — really it was more about opening it up to conversation. I’m not even sure how I feel about it, or which way I would go. I think I would err on the side of not saying anything, to be perfectly honest! Eep!
But I guess the best advice doesn’t exactly tell you what to do but opens up your mind to doing what’s best for you.
I guess thats pretty cheesy though. :)
Cheating… oi. Yes, I have done that. Not too physcial, but big time on the emotional front. I did tell the person I was with at the time. Not out of shame or guilt, but because I was so in love with this other person that anyone could spot it from miles away. I was totally prepared to end the relationship, but my boyfriend wanted a second chance because he realised how badly he treated me before and wanted to make things right. (I know, anyone can see this is a bad idea, right?) It ended 6 awful months later.
So, yeah, cheating is a sure sign that something’s not right in your relationship.
But what about being the girl that a guy cheats on his girlfriend with?
Should women stick together, or is messing around with a guy in a relationship allowed as long as you are single?
I agree with Rachel and Alice, I think if you cheat it’s your responsibility to tell…it could be putting the other party at risk, aside from the fact that I think it’s selfish not to tell and let them decide if they still want to be in the relationship with you.
I’ve never cheated and can’t imagine myself cheating. Just thinking of what the look on Matt’s face would be if I had ever cheated on him and told him so breaks my heart. As sappy/cheesy as that sounds.
I did have a friend who habitually cheated, though, and her pattern was REALLY weird to me – she would date these guys for like…two weeks and decide that she was in LOVE with them, that this was a guy she wanted to spent YEARS of her life with and etc. etc. About a month or two later, she’d meet someone new, start dating them/sleeping with them before she broke it off with the first boyfriend, and then break up with the first boyfriend, she’d be “sooo in love” with this guy, and then another guy came along and so forth. It was like she was allergic to being single. It might have just been a high school thing, as she’s been with the guy she’s currently dating a…year and a half? I think? but she doesn’t seem a whole lot more mature to me as a whole, if at all, so maybe we’re just not close enough that I get to hear about it any more. shrug
But the REALLY weird thing about it to me was that she didn’t seem to view any of what she did as cheating. It was like she was in denial or something.
Oh, and I would definitely want to know if I had been cheated on!
EvaHero — Definitely iffy territory. I have been that girl a couple of times. I remember agonising over it, & one of my friends told me, “You can’t care about his girlfriend more than he does”.
Michelle — That’s so weird! I know a couple of people who are serial monogamists, they cannot BEAR being single. What your friend did is something I call “monkey-bar dating”. Still holding onto the old bar before they swing to the next one ;>
EvaHero: I think messing around with a guy in a relationship (if you know about it, anyways!) is kind of a crappy thing to do, personally, but I guess to each their own. And I don’t think I’d want to – if they’re cheating on who they’re with now, who’s to say they wouldn’t cheat on you?
Cheating is a tricky, tricky thing. I was in a relationship for over a year and a half (my first long term one!) and ended up cheating at the very end. I had met someone else and I barely saw my boyfriend at the time at all because he worked so much. With me, absence does not make the heart grow fonder and I grew closer and closer to my new guy friend and drifted farther and farther from my boyfriend (whom i was living with!). The day I cheated, I told my boyfriend and we broke up. I am now with the “other guy” and we’ve been together for a year now. I couldn’t be happier. Cheating is a horrible thing, it is, but it helped me get out of a bad relationship and into a wonderful one with my soul mate. The reason I cheated was because I was confused and wasn’t sure what to do. I kissed my new friend because I didn’t know what was to come. I didn’t know how to handle my emotions. But something great came out of it.
I’ve never cheated. But I’m curious—what do you think about “mind” cheating? You mention emotional cheating. Is that the same thing as fantasizing about other people while you’re in a relationship?
i found myself in a similar situation as your anonymous friend.
i would stop enjoying the relationship but feel incapable of ending it.
when i cheated – i figured that it would resolve. he’d be forced to break up with me right?
unfortunately i did this same test multiple times, and apparently all those guys really were good ones. they all wanted to stay with me.
so then i found myself in an awkward situation. HOW CAN I GET RID OF THEM!?
eventually i had to suck it up and end it… a mature response to an immature relationship.
Wise and welcome words, as always, Gala. I generally agree that revealing hurtful information to someone simply to clear your OWN conscience is a selfish and counterproductive act … but this is a different matter. You are totally right: Your partner deserves to have all pertinent information in order to make an informed choice about trust and continuance of the relationship. Anything else is downright disrespectful.
Danielle — I guess it all depends on how far it goes! If it’s the occasional daydream, it’s probably okay, but if you have a cardboard cut-out in your closet of the object of your affections, you might be taking it too far! Haha. Though I think I probably subscribe to the school of thought which says there is no such thing as a bad thought, only “bad” actions. (Such a loaded word but you know what I mean surely!) So as long as whatever-it-is remains in the realm of fantasy, I think it’s okay. But you might want to look at why you’re thinking about the other person all the time, & re-examine your relationship!
mermaid — At least you learned a positive lesson from all of that!
@Michelle: I agree, crappy thing to do. It certainly won’t earn you karma points.
But… as Gala points out (good point), if he doesn’t care enough about his relationship, then why should I?
And he would obviously not be a guy you would want to date seriously, now way, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun…
i read all the time, but i’ve never commented, however i wanted to contribute!
I have personally, cheated. It was right near the beginning of the relationship, and i think it was really a test for who knows to see how serious the relationship was. One of his friends knew, and i wanted him to hear it from me, and keep the humiliation as low as possible. it took my a while to get it out but it was so hard and i felt so bad that it actually showed me how much i really liked him and how i didnt deserve him. He is so great that he wanted to try and work through it, and 4 years later, its still working! It was really hard sometime, it took a long time for him to completely trust me again, but i deserved it, and did all i could.
I think your right, you really need to consider your own situation, and what you want/why it happened. A drunken kiss with a stranger is different to an affair when you have children etc.
Although it sounds selfish, just work out what you want! Your life is your responsibility, and so is your happiness- so do what you need to get it!
Interesting discussion!
I think the seriousness of cheating can depend quite a lot on the standards of the people in a relationship.
At uni I knew a couple who would cheat to get back at each other for cheating! They stayed together for a while but I doubt that they still are.
If I cheated on my boyfriend (or he on me) our relationship would end no matter what the circumstances. We’re both pretty clear on that! Realising that being unfaithful would absolutely mean the end of our almost nine year relationship (gulp, I forget it’s been that long…) means that I would never even consider cheating.
I agree that in most cases it would be better to come clean and admit you had cheated. It’s not fair to keep that sort of secret!
What happens when you’ve been the “other woman”? :(
I find that cheating can also indicate a problem of insecurity rather than a problem with a relationship (if you don’t count an insecure partner who cheats as the relationship problem).
Ohhhh Gala, how I wish someone had shoved something like this in my face several months ago! I went through a very weird, mutual-cheating situation back in July and I really wish I hadn’t gone there…We were both honest with each other, which is definitely the way to go, but it was still one of the most painful things I’ve ever been through.
Very long story that I won’t get into on here…but my advice is to stay away from cheating, period, no matter what ‘provokes’ you or what ‘reason’ you are acting on. If your partner cheats, don’t treat it as an excuse to do the same and ‘get back at them’. If you’re really sick of someone, break up with them before you move on to better things – it’ll save your conscience the trouble and both of you the pain. If you’re simply angry at the moment, take a step back and cool down before doing something you’ll regret!
I cheated, once. I had just gotten to college, had just been hit by a plethora of hugely attractive, hugely intelligent men—who were interested in me, oh my. I ended up meeting a friend (who’d I’d known in the past) so he could show me around my new city, & one thing led to another & we were kissing on the middle of his living room floor.
A few days prior to this, my boyfriend had been noticing things being different. It was like, as soon as I moved out, the “relationship switch” had been flipped off. The day after I kissed this boy, the boyfriend called me & said, “It would probably be better for us if we broke things off now.” I never told him about my infidelity; it would have ruined our chances of remaining friends, & I feel it would have hurt him unnecessarily.
I am now remaining single until I am at least 40. =D
I’ve cheated before, in my last relationship. I had done exactly as your friend had done: I had become mentally single. I was depressed in the relationship and I recognized it, but he didn’t. No matter how I tried to tell him, he ignored it. It definitely wasn’t entirely his fault, but that depression had me start looking elsewhere for support.
One of my friends treated me better than any boyfriend I’d ever had and he was quite happy to give me the affection I desperately craved. It wasn’t right, but I made the choice one night to sleep with him. It didn’t just happen, like many people claim, but it was a pretty calculated decision.
I never told my ex. The friend I had cheated on him with convinced me to try and give it another month to see if a major life event (that occurred about two weeks later) would help us work things out. It didn’t. I broke up with my ex less than a month later.
I wish I could say I felt really bad that I cheated, but I didn’t, which probably says a lot about how I felt about my ex at the time. What makes me feel really bad is how to deal with the fact that I did cheat in this relationship. Am I going to cheat in future relationships? Are the people who know I cheated willing to give me a chance in those relationships? I would currently like to be in an official relationship with the friend I cheated with, but I’m half afraid to ask because of the ‘what if’ possibility. I know he wouldn’t care, but it’s still something that lingers.
I have been cheated on before, and it hurt so bad. I never want it to happen again. But I have cheated on someone. I was with a guy for almost a year, and he was fine with me being with other guys while we were together. So I was with someone, and he had no clue I had someone else, and still doesn’t. That whole year was a mess.
EvaHero: I assumed you meant it wouldn’t be a serious thing, but I just thought I’d make sure. I probably still wouldn’t do it, because he may not care about the relationship but presumably she still does and I (personally! no judgment calls here) would feel like I was screwing somebody else over just because I wanted a guy. (for whatever reasons ;) ) I have been cheated on and it made me feel terrible, and I’d hate to take a part in making someone else feel that way. Ya know? I’m not trying to sound all preachy and soapboxy, just giving my two cents or so.
I was in a situation where my fiance (now husband) cheated on me a few years ago. We had been together for almost 4 years at that point. He was at a convention for work and had a few too many drinks (though he will be the first to atest that that is no excuse) and ended up going back to a room with some girls. Long story short, he made a bad decision and hooked up with one of them.
I knew something was wrong right away when I picked him up from the airport. He looked sick and he seemed on the verge of tears as soon as he saw me. We didn’t even get 1/2 mile down the road before he confessed everything. I was in shock and just went into this immediate robot-like state. He was crying and I was completely emotionless. But by the next night I was bawling hysterically and throwing up. A few days later I was angry and downright mean to him, making crude comments and digs at him whenever I could. Let’s just say I was a mess and so was he.
It was by far the biggest test in our relationship. I distanced myself from him, which was hard as we lived together. I moved into a spare bedroom. I went out on my own a lot. He had to ask permission to come into my room. Eventually I allowed him to re-court me. We went on dates again and little by little we started re-building things. Three years have passed and we just got married in August.
He’s not a bad person and I think he’s harder on himself about it still than I am. I’ve forgiven him and I realized that we all screw up sometimes and although it was terrible, I can’t picture my life without him. Yes, there are certainly still reprecussions — I am a lot more insecure than I once was. It also re-triggered some habits I thought I had let go of, mainly self-injuring. Professionally it’s hard too as he still has to go to the convention each year where the cheating occurred. And because the woman he cheated on me with works in the same industry as we do, I run in to her occasionally at work related events (though I doubt she knows who I am or cares) and it makes me slightly sick.
In the end I think we’re stronger for it and we’re much more understanding of eachother.
Great article, it can be so easy to judge and say “Baaaaad cheater, BAD!!” but it’s not always so black and white and I think you’ve straddled ‘the grey’ really well :P
Personally, if I were cheated on, I’d much rather know so I can make an informed decision. I’m a big strong girl and I can handle the truth.
Good article. Gala, I love your blog – I wish it was around years ago!
My husband cheated on me 20 years ago while we were dating. I just found out about this a few months ago. It’s been devastating and heartbreaking.
How would my life have been different had I known? I don’t know, but I sure wish I’d have had that choice twenty years ago.
People, if you need to leave a relationship, just end it, don’t cheat. Save yourself years of the pain of guilt and regret.
@Michelle: No worries :) I wasn’t hearing “preachy & soapboxy”. It would ultimately be my choice and I would have to be ok with it.
I guess that’s what all the cheating & should I tell him questions are about. You know your situation & you know what your motives are for wanting to tell or not. Everyone can have an opinion but only you can decide what the right thing to do is. All that matters is that you can look at yourself after what you did & how you handled things.
Personally, I agree with you Michelle, and I did not take him up on his offer (though I wanted to, believe me I did… the guy is so sexy in an “am I wrong for you or what” kind of way) I told him to call me when he is single again. We can have hot sex then, and only then. He’s so not worth the loss of karma points ;)
Oh how hard! Gala I know what your friend means about the reason for confessing….sometimes I think we need to get things off our chest just to make ourselves feel better. And then it becomes the other person’s problem, right?
I have just come out of a very long-term relationship with someone who I had planned my life with. I know that he was cheating on me, I found all kinds of proof, and yet he still won’t admit it. He can’t even give me a reason for breaking up, just that we don’t “work” as a couple any more.
After five years, that hurts more than anything….cheating is such a complex area, and I know that there are things I did that didn’t help our situation. But I can’t help wishing he would be honest.
I agree with you wholeheartedly Gala, I think it’s important to be honest in any relationship and cheating is one of the lowest acts you can commit.
However, sometimes there is reason to look at the other partner and see what could have provoked it. I have cheated in the past, when I was in an abusive and manipulative relationship. I didn’t feel strong enough to leave him, but when I did meet somebody else, I started seeing him and he gave me the strength to leave my boyfriend. While in an ideal world I might have been honest with him and said “I have met someone else, goodbye”, sometimes we are not that strong. So while cheating is never admirable, it sometimes has justifications.
Thankfully, I am now older and wiser, and have more life experience and strength to deal with these situations.. not that I plan to ever allow them to arise again!
Great article Gala! You never disappoint!
I wonder if you’d ever consider writing about the other side of the coin aka: open relationships? I was just reading about a book called “Open” by Jenny Block. It is an interesting concept and makes you think, can it really work that way?
Just a thought :)
These are such good, interesting comments. Like I said, I’m really not convinced there are any right or wrong answers, because everyone’s relationships are so different & it’s all so circumstantial. Definitely food for thought, though.
balloondrawing — I agree with you wholeheartedly about your happiness being your own responsibility, & I think that sometimes people who cheat are just trying to stumble through that in the best way they know how.
Bridey — 9 years! Good work! That’s amazing, hee. & your story about the couple who cheated as revenge makes me feel kind of ill. Ugh!
SoAshamed — Don’t sweat it. It happens. Like I said above, you can’t care more about his girlfriend than he does. Just don’t make it into a career ;>
Annie Spandex — Definitely. I once cheated on a long-term boyfriend because I felt like he didn’t care about me. Once I realised that I felt that way, it was on with the next person who paid me attention & made me feel special! (He was an amazing person but also a prick, & it was an interesting experience but you know, whatever.)
Emilybean — Ouch, that sounds awful. I’m glad it’s over, though, & I’m glad you learned some valuable lessons!
darwin — Aw, don’t be single until you’re 40! The world will be missing out on your gloriousness! xxx
Ashley — Sometimes when a relationship is really bad, it seems like cheating is the only way we can unshackle ourselves, so I know what you mean. It’s just a coping mechanism after all.
Mel — It’s terrible that you’re more insecure now than you were before that experience, truly that’s the worst thing about it all. Relationships come & go, even marriages, but your relationship with yourself is the most important thing! I was seeing this guy, casually, for a while, but it was pretty much a relationship (in my mind anyway). Anyway, he slept with someone else & it KILLED ME but I gave him another chance, & we were together for years. The thing was, I always felt like I had let him get away with it, & it honestly wreaked complete havoc on my self-esteem. It was really bad for me, & even though I loved him & our relationship, I think if I could back to being that age, I probably would have done things differently.
Joanne — Straddling the grey area is my specialty… Ooh la la! ;D
Emma — Ouch, I’m so sorry. How are you dealing with it? Has it changed your relationship much? 20 years is a long time, but still…
Neptune — Well, I think if you’re in an abusive relationship, you’re perfectly justified in using any means necessary to get out of it… Good for you!
PrincessMagpie — Open relationships are so interesting, but I have no real experience with them! It’s not something I know a lot about, so I’m not convinced I could do the subject any justice!
Amazing article, as always Gala. I really thought the part about setting someone free if you don’t return their affections was well-founded and well said. Some people do not think past themselves, even when in a relationship. Even that small bit of advice could help quite a few couples. Think outside yourself- do you return the amount & quality of love that’s being given to you? Basically think hard about yourself, like you said- no right answer and each person will handle it differently.
Thanks again for another pearl of advice. I admire you!
I believe your right that there is no one right answer even though we know what it is inside… as a 23 year old would act differently from a 50 year old with children. But at the end of the day I think cheating is one of the lowest act if your not happy with someone set them free so they can find their own happiness.. rather than trap them and you breaking lose every now and then whereas the other person is blissfully suffering. I feel that is a more cruel act by doing it and not even telling them.. giving the person an option to decide what to do after is best in the long run. At the end of the day if they forgive you or not and its up to them and thats a consequence a cheater has to live with.
Also I believe most people would hate to be cheated on so how could they possibly do it to someone else? Thats something I don’t understand..
I’ve never cheated on a partner, but I’ve seen first-hand the pain it can cause not only to the couple involved but to those around them – in a house of 6 people, a couple broke up due to the girl cheating on the guy with someone who was friends with them both, then announcing this on valentines day, a week after their 6 year anniversary. She then proceeded to go out with the new “man” (a total fool, really, the most pathetic kind of loser, and I don’t say things like that lightly) to an event she knew her ex was also going to.
Needless to say the tension this caused in the house was almost unbearable, and even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could bring myself to cheat now! If you think you’re going to cheat, I think it’s your duty to tell your current partner that you want to be with someone else more than you want to be with them, before acting on it. At least resolve one relationship before embarking on another if you have any respect at all for the ex.
As always, a brilliant thought-provoking article, dealt with in a really sensitive manner.
My boyfriend cheated on me around a couple of months ago. It was an awful time, he didn’t tell me but I suspected something and so I snooped and found out and told him. The awful thing was he kept doing it and I kept finding more and more things. Also it was his ex girlfriend who I had always been wary of and I don’t know why but ever since the start of our relationship I felt like I knew she was going to pop up sometime.
I’m still with him as I love him so much which sounds stupid but I fought for him and he realised he didn’t love her like he loved me. It is hard to move on as quite often i’m reduced to tears. And I look at what I’ve written here and everyone most probably thinks I should leave him but it’s not that easy.
Sometimes, when I am tempted to cheat, I listen to Annie’s Song by John Denver, pretend my boyfriend is singing it to me, and then imagine breaking his heart. It straightens me out really quickly!
I can’t imagine what it would be like if my boyfriend cheated on me. He is a little unpopular, kinda nerdy, and one of those boys who falls in love with you and doesn’t let go until he dies at a very happy 97 years old. Being with this kid is like living every lyric of Annie’s Song.
I disagree that once you have cheated you should let your primary relationship die. I cheated on my boyfriend of two and a half years, it was a silly thing to do but I don’t regret it. I told my boyfriend about it, he cried and I cried, we were distant for a week or so but we realized that we both loved each other and that was why the infidelity was hurting so much.
We have now been together for almost four years and the relationship has only gotten stronger. When I cheated it unearthed all of the issues we were having with each other and it forced us to confront them. It was difficult, and I am sure there is a better way to bring problems to light but I am glad that it happened or else I am almost certain we would have broken up.
Too true Miss Darling.
Having been cheated on, it was not just his fault. There were big cracks in our relationship that we were too scared to deal with. So, while I buried my head in the sand, he went out and met someone new.
We broke up soon after, and three years on I’m living with the most wonderful boy in the world. Although I was heartbroken when my previous relationship was over, I learnt something – honesty and trust is the key and without it, a relationship isn’t going to work.
xo
I’ve been cheated on 3 times in my life one of which for an entire year (out of our 3 year relationship) some years ago. In a way I’m glad it happened as he wasn’t right for me in any way (ah first loves!) but it really screwed me up in terms of trust in a relationship. My father has had numerous mistresses over my childhood which ultimately ended my parents’ marriage which didn’t exactly made things better for me.
I’ve cheated once out of revenge of the guy who had cheated on me for an entire year (we got back together with my only purpose being to break his heart in return…i know how childish!) and would have no intentions whatsoever to cheat again, I know better than that (now!).
Anyway, I’ve had relationships after my break-up with some obvious trust issues which sucked because deep down, I knew these guys were great guys. And so to deal with my trust issue, I’ve told my now-boyfriend of 2 years, straight off the bat in the first months of our relationship, that if he should ever EVER feel attracted to someone else, have any doubts whatsoever of our relationship and whatnot to simply tell me so, so that we can talk about it. I’ve told him he could straight out just tell me “I do not want to work on it, I want out of this relationship” or say “see, I’m interested in someone else, I don’t know why, maybe we can work out what’s going on between us, give it another shot” and I would be 100% supporting of what he says. I’ve told him that and meant it very much and he understood. I’ve made it clear about my trust issues and about my “deal” and although he says I have nothing to worry about, I know for sure having said that he would treat me with some respect and tell me up front if this situation should ever arise.
I think it’s important that if you have any issues about trust & relationships (whether you’ve been cheated on, or have cheated) to simply let your lover know. I believe it saves a lot of trouble and explaination should any event of that sort happen.
When I was 16, I had a boyfriend of 8 months. He was pretty much an ass- stealing cars, telling me things like “what guy wouldn’t cheat if a girl offered herself?” when I asked him if he ever would..threatening me that if I left him he would bash me etc. That is NOT the way to keep a lady. Then another guy came along into our group of friends, and he was amazing, and he thought I was beautiful, and he gave me self-worth. One night the lot of us were driving around until the late hours, we parked in a carpark and my boyfriend & his friend fell asleep. Me & the other guy talked for 4 hours. Then we kissed. With my boyfriend asleep on my lap. Pretty bad I know, but I was 16. I broke up with him as soon as he woke up we got back to his place. I felt awful & blamed myself for lots of silly things, like him becoming a druggie. Eventually I realised that was his choice. He never cared about me anyway or he wouldn’t have treated me how he did. 7 years later me & the “other guy” are still together and happily married. I don’t in any way condone cheating. I would NEVER cheat and I would NEVER let a guy get away with it, but sometimes it’s just right to be with someone.
I have only cheated once. I was in a crappy relationship for a couple of years when I was 15-17 and I had a one night stand on New Years Eve when I was 16. I ended up telling my boyfriend and we stayed together, then he cheated on me. We always had problems, we broke up and got back together at least 6 times while we were together, but I think I was scared of being alone.
The guy who I cheated with though kept in touch with me, and a year later (just after my other boyfriend finally broke it off once and for all) we moved cities to live together.
And here we are almost 6 years later.
He’s cyber (emotional) cheated a couple of times before and he knows if he does it again that I’m in a stable position to throw him out.
I think it’s very important for people to keep some level of independence. Evem just a few hundred dollars in a separate bank account so they don’t ever have to feel stuck in an unhappy relationship.
i was the ‘other girl’. the guy was in a relationship that was totally retarded. he & i had had a spark for everrr. it felt completely natural. he ended it with her the next day.
nine months later, we are still together, & he has not cheated on me.
i agree with em. sometimes relationships expire, & other feelings cannot be shunted to one side. i dont like cheating, i absolutely abhor it, & i was very ashamed to be the ‘other girl’. but it takes two to cheat, i think the ‘other person’ cops a lot of shit for what the cheater does as well!
Great topic. I believe the truth is always better. “I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you” is a lame and cowardly excuse. To withhold important information like that, is to deprive your partner of the ability to make an informed choice. It is taking away a form of freedom. Like what you said… both parties should be able to make informed choices about the relationship…
I have unwittingly been the other woman, and didn’t know for along time. I’d just started seeing someone whom I’d believed was single, but he seemed to be receiving a lot of text messages from another woman. I asked him if they were together and he said “No, she’s my ex. You’re my girlfriend”.
I found out about a year later that he was with her before he met me, and for another 3 months after we’d started seeing each other. He then went on to serially cheat on me, and it messed me up quite badly.
I think cheating is one of the most hurtful things you could do to someone you’re in a relationship with, but I understand that there are many many reasons someone might do it, so I ain’t judging.
All that aside, the main reason I wanted to comment was to say I like the photo you used for this article, Gala.
That’s a great ass!
:D
Gala… this couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time. It’s funny, because I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something. Last night I had a psych lecture on cheating, this morning I wake up and you’ve written an article on cheating…
I should just stop beating around the bush and explain my situation.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. He’s amazing. I love him more than words can articulate. I love him so much it HURTS. He’s funny, and cute, and sensitive, and easy to talk to about anything, and affectionate, and creative, and talented… basically, he’s what my idea of Mr. Perfect is. That is, perfect, for ME.
But here’s the thing…
About three months ago, on the night of my birthday, I got a birthday message from an old friend. I used to go to school with him, and at the time, he had a major crush on me. He used to call me all the time. Stare at me constantly in class, etc… He’d asked me out ON HIS BIRTHDAY and I rejected him at the time because I wasn’t the least bit interested. He used to overwhelm me… the constant showering of attention was off-putting for me. Plus, I was still obsessed with my ex at the time.
Anyway, so he sent me this message on my birthday three months ago… and suddenly I felt an incredible amount of attraction toward him. We started innocently flirting via facebook messages and text messages… my boyfriend was aware of this, and he was not happy… but I am always 100% honest about EVERYTHING with my boyfriend. I told him not to worry, that it was “nothing”... but deep down inside I felt unbelievable amounts of shame and guilt. This guy ALSO has a girlfriend… so this was another dimension of guilt.
About two or three weeks after our initial contact, we met up one Friday night for dinner and a movie. It was so amazing seeing him after so many years… he’d changed so much in my eyes. He’d matured. He was no longer “overwhelming” to be around. In fact, he immediately made me feel comfortable. I knew from the moment I sat down for dinner with him that I wanted to kiss him. I couldn’t pin-point exactly what it was about him that attracted me… but I was pretty much falling hard for him. The flirting escalated throughout dinner, and then finally came to a peak during the movie…
He fed me chocolate during the movie… so sensuously… so affectionately… my tummy was fluttering with butterflies. His hand found mine, and feeling his touch sent electricity throughout my body. We had such strong chemistry… like I’ve never felt with anyone else before. But we didn’t kiss. Every time he tried to kiss me, I leaned away. I couldn’t do it.
Finally, the movie ended. Not that I’d watched any of it. We went back to my car, and suddenly the reality of the situation sunk in. I wanted to kiss him so badly… but just thinking about my boyfriend made me hurt deep inside in a place I didn’t know existed. But I was slowly being overtaken by the moment. I was succumbing to my deepest desires. It was like my sense of rationality was falling away, being overwhelmed by my emotions.
He didn’t want me to do something I didn’t want to do. He wasn’t forceful at all. I told him everything I was feeling… I told him I was confused. We talked for what seemed like ages… he asked me if I loved my boyfriend, and as soon as I said that I thought I did, I suddenly I didn’t know if I REALLY did. I’d never doubted my love for my boyfriend before… but at that moment I did. I started having all these horrible thoughts about my relationship… about how stagnant it had been… about how the magic had disappeared. I asked him if he loved his girlfriend and he said he didn’t know…
Neither of us had the balls to make the first move… so we did the stupidest thing imaginable, and left it to chance. We flipped a coin!
I figured, if it was meant to be, then I would leave it to chance to dictate what would happen. If it landed on heads we would kiss, if it landed on tails we wouldn’t. Of course, it landed on heads…. silence. We sat there in silence just staring at each other. I was so nervous. Like a silly school girl about to experience her first kiss. But this was different. It felt so different. Like I was breaking free of every single one of my morals all at once. Finally, we leant in and the kiss happened. It was so magical. I was overwhelmed completely by it….
But the trouble is… it didn’t end there… he couldn’t keep his hands off me… and the rest is probably too much information to write about here, but I think you get the gist.
The next few days after the “incident” were probably the most horrible I’ve ever experienced. I felt disgusting. I felt like the sluttiest whore in the universe. I wanted the earth to swallow me up so I wouldn’t have to face the reality of what I’d done.
Telling my boyfriend was the hardest thing I’ve EVER had to do. I’d made my decision that I couldn’t be with him anymore. I was too confused about what I was feeling. It wasn’t fair on him. I told him everything and explained that I think we needed some time apart. He was obviously devastated. Just THINKING back on it makes me want to vomit. It was such a painful experience. You know you really love someone when you hurt when they hurt, but when it’s YOU that has inflicted that pain, you hurt 1000 times more. It was just unbelievably awful.
The next two weeks were an emotional roller coaster of confusion. I saw the other guy another two times after that…. and then we had a massive fight and it ended (or so I thought at the time). I didn’t trust him. I felt like a hypocrite to feel that way, but I figured, if he could cheat on his girlfriend to be with me, then what made me think he wouldn’t lie and cheat on me? He didn’t tell his girlfriend anything about what had happened. He told me that unlike me, he wasn’t ready to end his relationship with her. That hurt me a lot. I felt used. I felt like he was only with me for the sexy time. But then on the flip-side I felt like what we had was so much MORE than just the sexy time… He would tell me that he was waiting for me for five years (that’s how long it had been since I’d last seen him)... that he dreamt about me… etc… we talked, we shared, we laughed, we cried… my heart KNEW that he wasn’t using me, but at the same time, I felt incredibly jealous of his relationship. I felt jealous and resentful that he didn’t want to leave his girlfriend and that he didn’t have the balls to tell her that he’d cheated. And in some twisted way, I felt cheated! So we parted ways because I knew he wouldn’t be able to give me what I wanted from him… I wanted him COMPLETELY, and while he was still with her, he wouldn’t have been able to give me that.
To make matters worse, my boyfriend told his parents what I’d done. They were disgusted with me. I felt like the lowest person in the universe. In the past I’d always looked down on cheaters. I’d always considered them to be horrible people with no morals. And suddenly I was one of them. Not a good feeling.
I talked with my boyfriend and he explained that he wouldn’t be able to trust me ever again… that it just wasn’t going to work. We broke up.
About a week later, we met up… and we both cried. We talked and talked and talked, and decided we both weren’t ready to let go yet… we’d been through so much together and we weren’t ready to end it yet. So we decided to start fresh and give our relationship another chance. We’d work through our problems together and try to move forward. He forgave me.
I fell in love with him all over again. Knowing that he loved me so much to give our relationship another chance was such a big deal to me. Nobody had ever loved me that much to forgive such a HUGE mistake… but he did.
I thought everything was okay again.
But it wasn’t.
I saw the other guy again four days ago… it was just meant to be so we could talk and resolve our issue. So we could be friends. I don’t like cutting people out of my life. Especially people I’ve been intimate with. I cared about him a whole lot… I’ve only ever been sexually intimate with two people. I didn’t feel like it was right to cut him out like that. We went to a movie… we talked… but we also hooked up again.
I don’t know why I haven’t learned my lesson. I don’t know why I can’t just be “friends” with him. I don’t want to leave my boyfriend… I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused and upset…
I’ve also been reading “The Bride Stripped Bare” for the second time… and that is adding to my confusion.
Help?
RE: cheating with someone else’s partner. I think you should care about the ‘other person’, even if the guy/girl you’re planning on cheating with doesn’t. I don’t think “well, if they don’t care, neither should I.” Two wrongs don’t make a right, etc. Be brave! Be ethical! If you really want to be with someone, make an ultimatum that they should break up with their current partner first. It’s like (dodgy analogy ahoy) if their girlfriend was trapped in a burning bus and you didn’t try to save her because he wasn’t trying to save her either, that would make you both arses.
People always have We! Must! Be! Together! Right! Now! idea with relationships. If the relationship is going to work at all, it’s going to work a little while into the future when they’ve broken up, eh?
Jessica — It’s totally not ideal, I agree. I think the whole We! Must! Be! Together! Right Now! idea can also be called love or infatuation ;D Logic tends to fly out the window in situations like that…
I can’t even imagine WHY someone would cheat. I did had a situation where this guy, who I was dating, cheated on me, though he was such an imbecile that he didn’t even know that I thought we were more serious…he just said “hey, and btw, I kissed this two girls in a party last night!” and I was like “WTF YOU FUCKER” and that was it. Truth is that he broke with his gf to be with me (or to be free and at the same time hook up with me, dunno); I had no intentions on being with a guy with a gf either.
I’m in a relationship now, it has lasted 2 years and I love him, but I know that there could be a time in which I could like another guy (I hope not and I can’t imagine that either), but I wouldn’t cheat…I would just tell my boy we need to break, and that’s it. Honesty and faithfulness are two of my primal values; if you even care (not love or whatever) about the person, you can’t cheat on them! Is pretty obvious for me; is there a natural law out there, it probably states that :P!
Everyone agrees with “do what you want other people to do to you”. That’s the primal thing here. If you agree with that principle, then there is not a space for cheating, not for any reason in the universe.
I love your articles Gala girl :D!
Here’s how I see it, based on my life-experience, such as it is:
monogamy isn’t necessary for a meaningful and loving relationship; what is more important is openness, affection, and honesty with your partner- and this allows the relationship you have to evolve to fit the circumstances that will always be changing. I know that I would rather be confident that my partner is with me out of choice, and delight in the person I am today- not love for the person I used to be, and fear of hurting me, or fear of being alone. love is not a mutually exclusive feeling, for me- I have loved more than one person at once and know that it is possible for my partner to do the same.
and so, in my relationships in recent years, “cheating” has never been a problem- what a funny term that is anyway, as if love is a game to be played. I suppose it is for many people, but all games involve competition, and I don’t believe that belongs in loving relationships.
of course, jealousy is a powerful force- but I’m convinced that it doesn’t have to run the show.
Golda: I totally understand what you’re saying, and I agree… but not everyone sees it this way. My boyfriend would never accept to be in an “open relationship” with me…
Yeah with the whole, you shouldent care about the partner of the cheater, i think thats kind of wrong but then ive seen a kind of extreame case…
My tight knit group was made from 4 of us and one of the girls bf cheated on her with the other friend. I knew from the start but it was several months before it became general knowledge. The whole time it was just so hard to sit through conversations with girl #1 about the guy in question whom she was in love with. And meeting the guy was even worse, i could never like because of what he was doing.
In the end when it all came out there was a massive fight between the 4 of us, i was trying to defend the cheater and at the same time, be the peace keeper. It got so frustrating that i jumped into the pool fully clothed! (this i have found is the best way to calm down) Its been a year now, and after a few months of struggling and continued cheating the bf/gf partnership broke up. Our group was split and we rarely speak. The root was the cheating. And in this case my blame goes to the guy.
I really hope I never have to go through this.
Cheating isnt black and white. I was with my ex partner for 7 years from when i was 15 i went away for work and cheated. I never told him and NEVER will, we have now broken up- we are still best friends and i truly believe that it is better this way. If i hadnt gone away for work he wouldn’t have realised that he could live without me and if i hadnt cheated i wouldn’t have realised that i could not only live away but that i was attractive and that there was so much else out there and that all my needs could be met.
Being together from such a young age means that you still have alot of learning to do and if you cant meet each others needs even if you are best friends, it leaves you very confused.
Cheating was not the ideal way to realise that our relationship should end but the result was beneficial for both of us. He is now in a relationship where the girl adores him, even all the little things that niggled me and i am happy single not having to answer to anyone and confident that i am perfect the way i am and there is no need to change my actions or views to conform to his beliefs.
Be true to your heart!
And love the blog Gala!
gala i’m exactly like the second friend you talked about! i always drag out relationships until i am so sick of the person i end up cheating. then i break up without them ever knowing i cheated. it’s a horrible habit i’ve had since i was younger and i just can’t break it. i never knew anyone else even did that.
I’ve never commented here, either, but this is a topic that I have thought about quite a lot over the years…Personally, I inhabit something of an ethical grey-area when it comes to this. I am absolutely unsuited to a monogamous lifestyle, but I have ended up in relationships with people for periods of time who were absolutely 100% monogamous — and because I (selfishly, yes) wished to spend some time with them, I had my share of illicit goings-on while with them. I have also been involved, to various extents, with people who were involved/married. I won’t try to justify my behavior; I don’t feel the need to, frankly — but I do think that most people can’t get everything they need from only one other person (or if they can, they are either amazingly fucking lucky or just exceedingly non-complex) and if we, as a society, could get out of the monagamy-box we’re stuck in and give people the freedom to have more involvements (sexual, romantic, emotional, or otherwise) outside of their primary partners, everyone might be a bit happier. (I also dislike intensely the term “cheating” and I tend to believe there is a big difference between betraying someone you love and having some action on the side, but that’s just me)
i cheated on my boyfried of almost 7 years, 2 years ago. he found out about it, before i had the courage to tell him. he made me choose, and i chose the other guy. until now, i’m not sure if i have totally forgiven myself, but i know that if i stayed, i wouldn’t have been as happy as i am now.
the other guy and i, we are still together.
Miss B – if you’re not in a non-monogamous relationship, then I don’t think it’s considered cheating. I think any kind of relationship is fine, provided both parties are okay with it. Hence the betrayal part — if you say from the start “I am going to be in a monogamous relationship with you,” and then you get involved with someone else, then that’s not cool. Honesty always.
Gala – heh. Logic can always fly back in though!
I went through a period of being a serial cheat. In hindsight, I was hugely insecure at this point in my life, and sex (obviously physical cheatting) was my way of trying to prove that I was worth something.(To whom, and how I am unsure…)
Now of course that seems completely rediculous and flawed logic.
I think recognising these behaviour patterns are the best way to break free from them. A lifestyle change made a big difference and as I learnt to respect myself, I also learnt to respect my relationships.
I don’t think there’s any excuse for cheating. Now, I never would, no matter how much I liked another person. Nor would I put up with it. I am unsure of if i’d want to know or not… one things for sure, If I found out and they hadn’t told me all hell would break loose!
Cheating is something I feel REALLY strongly about. I’ve been the girl who was cheated on…twice. The first time he told me he loved me but he just loved another girl more. He did eventually tell me himself but People were already talking about the two of them and I had no idea. I felt like an idiot. So I strongly disagree with your friend. If you’re cheating or you know a friend is being cheated on I think you should definately say something. The second time he cheated at the beginning of our relationship. Someone messaged me on myspace and told me and after an initial confrontation he denied it later admitting to me in a LETTER that it was true. I couldn’t be with him after that and fully trust him.
Sorry for a raving comment I didn’t mean to make it this long but cheating is something I have a strong opinion on.
But I love reading your advice Gala. Keep up the good work!
I’ve been in a position where my ex was spending lots of time with another girl – both hanging out/texting/online constantly, because she had “issues” and she saw him as a “big brother”- I was friends with her too, told her that he and I were having problems and she didn’t listen… It got to a point where we would get home from work and he’d jump on MSN to talk to her, and he’d text her CONSTANTLY while him and I were out and about…. ANYWAYS to cut a long story short he ended it with me, got together with her then realized he still wanted me. By that time I had luckily been able to start moving on. Even though it wasn’t a “physical” cheating (as far as I know) it was an “emotional” cheating (to me anyway!) because he spent all of his time talking her through her problems (such as her drop-kick boyfriend, her religious beliefs etc) and him talking to her about his problems with me – which he helped create himself. It killed my self-confidence for quite some time, I felt like I hadn’t been there enough for him etc. Now I know better, but as an experience – not on my top 10. So I guess there are many different ways to cheat on somebody, and not just the cliche “I had sex with someone else”. I think the way that he messed me around hurt far more than if he had just slept with her and broken up with me.
Sorry for the loooong comment! This article has been really interesting and the comments have been an interesting insight to what others think of cheating. xx
Cheating is just lame. If you can’t control yourself, you don’t deserve a relationship. Just my opinion.
I cheated on a guy I had been with for a few years. Towards the end of the relationship he became verbally and physically abusive, to the point where I was bursting out into tears whenever I was alone and I was trying to find any excuse to not be around him. We lived together, shared all expenses, had a cat & he had purchased my car for me, so I felt obligated to stay with him. But then, I met a guy who told me how beautiful I was, who I could open up to and who, most importantly, didn’t think I deserved to be treated so badly. I cheated with the new guy for a few weeks and then, on one particularly hard night, he (the new guy) said, “you’re never going to leave him, are you?” The next day, I broke up with the couple-years-guy and never looked back. Packed all my shit and moved home for the first time in four years.
It was hard and I never told my boyfriend that I had cheated on him (because, I agree, it would’ve only made ME feel better to let him know – it would’ve just killed him.) To this day, I can remember how awful my entire body felt after cheating. Even being abused, I still knew how wrong it was to be cheating. At the same time, I am very glad I did what I did. It gave me the courage to leave a bad relationship and I had since realized that there is no reason to stay with someone you don’t completely love. I have broken off relationships since then, too. It changed me, as a person, for the better.
And, in case you don’t hear it enough, I absolutely adore your blog.
If you go outside of a relationship, and are honest and open about it with your partner, you technically haven’t lied or hid the truth from them in any way. I think it’s probably much worse if you cheat AND lie about it to them. I’m all for honesty… it’s the only thing left that can save a relationship. If I was with someone, and they cheated and told me, I honestly wouldn’t have an issue with it. I would only have an issue with it if they hid it from me… then, and only then, would I feel like they betrayed my trust.
I’ve never cheated. I have slept with someone else, once, with the full prior knowledge of my partner. Which is a bit different ;). I know that had I not shagged him, I would’ve mentally lingered on the possibility for far longer – there’s something to be said for getting someone out of one’s system.
“He told me that he thought it was selfish to tell your partner if you’d cheated on them.”
That paragraph is really interesting! And, from that line on, almost word-for-word something that was said on an episode of House a few weeks back. Hee. Still a really interesting POV, though. I think I’d want to know – generally speaking, I’ve found secrets can have a really toxic effect if there’s any kind of guilt or residual negative feeling bound up in them.
Cheating is a loaded word. I have had someone cheat on their loved one with me. Messy Messy! And no matter how many reasons we have to cheat, get cheated upon, cheat with….and no matter how subjective it is….it’s never ever right. But coming clean is the best. It really means that you’re taking responsibility for your actions. :)
does sex “on the astral plane” constitute joining the mile high club?
(ten million points to me for such a dumb joke haha)
I need this article.
Here’s my story.
Do judge. Tell me what you think. I haven’t been able to tell anyone this burden, and oh boy do I need some help!
When I was 18 I fell for a man 10 years older than me.
We slept together when we could. We were from other sides of the world, and while I had feelings for him, I wasn’t sure if he had any for me, but sleeping with him would make some, right?
I began a relationship a year after meeting this older man with another man, a better man, a sweet, caring man who deeply cared for me. I ended up marrying this man and having his baby.
But.
I still kept in touch with the older man. It was like an infactuation, an obsession. I thought about him all the time. We kept in touch via email, and when I was 23 I found out he was moving to the country I lived…
To be with his long distance girlfriend he had meet the year before he meet me all those years ago!
Of course, my being married with child and his moving to live with his lady meant we wouldn’t ‘see’ each other right? WRONG.
Oh boy.
We slept together at every opportunity, despite living in different cities. Facebook, emails, texts. I also accidently meet his girlfriend (who was also 10 years older than I) on one of my visits to his city. He and I had sex in the bathroom of the bar while she was outside with other friends. He and I had to pretend we hadn’t meet before and she (and others) had no idea what had happened.
Then it got complex when she innocently added me as a Facebook friend.
Suddenly I was involved in their love life, like it or lump it. All lovey dovey wall messages were splashed on my news page every time I logged in. I found myself checking it far too often, distracting me from my own life.
Just a few months ago everything came to a head.
I found out she was pregnant. Via her and a public Facebook announcement. He didn’t tell me. I thought we were close. I thought he had feelings for me. I was DEVESTATED. He knew I had a child, why wouldn’t he tell me that he and her were pregnant!?
He apologised profusely and I forgave him.
Then a month later on a overseas holiday he proposed to her in Paris. And I found out via Facebook. Again. I cried. I had asked him if he was planning on proposing. He said not. And he did. And didn’t tell me. Again.
I should probably mention at this point that I was not the only lady in his life. He had also slept with two other woman during our affair in the same country, and countless others since I had meet him 7 years ago. (That’s how long this has been going on!!!) All whilst still living with his girlfriend who had NO idea.
So I snapped.
I emailed her.
The girlfriend.
EVERYTHING.
I told her about us, him and others.
I told everything I knew.
They have broken up. She kicked him out they are 3 months away from having their baby. They are in touch, talking.
I’m not sure if I did a good thing, or a bad thing telling her.
Regardless, now I am faced wtih the biggest decision of my life.
To tell my husband, or not to tell my husband.
I found out the hard way that this man had used me.
I don’t want to lose my husband over this.
DO NOT want to lose my husband.
Ever.
BUT the guilt.
Oh the guilt.
I know he would divorce me if he knew.
What should I do???
Golda — I like what you have to say. Though I think for most people, being in one relationship is difficult enough… Juggling a bunch of people would be almost impossible for many! Haha. I’m actually not convinced that monogamy is a natural state, a fact which always made my boyfriend mad, haha. I just don’t think it is! Anyway, thank you for your comment, it was a goodie!
lacey — We’re seldom the only person who behaves in a particular way. I’m glad to be able to shine some light on the situation!
Miss B — I like your comment, too! So, how do you do things these days? Do you only have open relationships, or will you do faux-monogamy if you meet someone who can only handle that?
[ t a y l o r ] — I completely agree that recognising your patterns are the best way to break free of them. It can be difficult but at least if you have knowledge of them, you can work out where to begin!
Amy — Ouch, I’m so sorry that happened to you. You didn’t deserve it! Big kisses & here’s to finding a better man!
Louise.C — Yeah, sometimes emotional involvement or connection with someone else can be much more hurtful. After all, anyone can have sex with someone else, but an actual connection is something completely different…
Jobeth — I’m so proud of you for getting out of that situation! You are awesome. I agree that cheating or doing other supposed “bad” things can be a fantastic learning experience & opportunity for growth. Mwah mwah!
Audrey — Ha, ha. That was such a dad joke ;D
Help Me — I have no idea where to begin. But that guy that you were seeing for years is a complete douchebag. Stay away from him; you’re better than that. I also think your husband deserves to know. This wasn’t some one-off fling, it was long, drawn-out, complicated, calculated, & emotionally involved. Not fair on your husband. But it all depends on whether you can deal with losing your husband. I think it’s a risk you should take — you will learn from it, if nothing else. Good luck…
I’ve never cheated on a partner, but I have been cheated ON, and I think that a partner deserves to know. The moment you start depending on lies to remain in a relationship it stops being consensual. Aside from the relationship suddenly not being consensual, you owe it to your partner not to further humiliate them by letting them, for example, hear it from someone else.
When I finally did end things with my ex, it became glaringly clear that every single person in my surroundings knew how often he cheated on me and how many times people had to stop him from doing so. It was awfully embarrassing to have to stand for not dumping him all those times I’d wanted to, for over a year, but ultimately: at least I’d made the choice myself. Now imagine I didn’t know and ran into that friend who always seemed happy about the relationship, blurting out “Oh, I’m so glad you dumped him! I wanted to say anything before, but everyone said you knew about the cheating and I didn’t want to make it worse!“
Gala!
Brilliant blog!
I agree with you 100%, cheating is nasty.
A friend of mine is a constant cheater, and always tells me when she does it, but never the boy she’s cheating on. One of her past boyfriends, they were together for three years and she cheated on him with 3 or 4 other boys!
I hate it when she tells me cos then it’s like the burden’s mine. It’s terrible.
She never told her boyfriend she cheated on so many boys with him, but I knew the whole time. She eventually dumped him cos she was “bored of him”.
Lame.
I’ve never cheated and would never ever ever cheat. I think it’s wrong on so many levels!
Thanks Gala
xx
I understand about the “get out of jail free card” feeling.
I was in a really awful relationship, where I didn’t feel I was able to simply say “enough is enough” and just end it. So, while I was at a party, I met a really great bloke and things got out of hand. I let it happen because part of me was thinking that I could use this to make my then boyfriend dump me.
It worked. It got me out of a bad relationship, but I still wish that I had had the strength to simply end it, instead of cheating.
It caused a lot of grief for all involved and dragged out something which could’ve been over and done with quickly.
I’ve been cheated on by the love of my life + father of my children. It happened when we were young, he admitted after a few years of being with me that he had slept with 3 other girls, one of them had been my bes