I Love My Boyfriend, But...
[ 23 November 2007 ]
Do any of the following sound familiar?
“I love my girlfriend but she’s just not interesting.”
“I adore my boyfriend but he totally takes his moods out on me.”
“My wife is the love of my life but she makes me feel really unimportant.”
“My boyfriend is an alcoholic & I want to fix him.”
Here is my simple 4-step process to improving your love life.
1. Stop expecting your lover to be someone they’re not. They are who they are. No one will ever change just because you want them to.
2. Learn to differentiate between loving someone & being in love. The two are incomparable. Further to this, learn the difference between being in love & needing someone — anyone — else to make you feel complete.
3. Realise that life is as short as the cliché would have you believe. There is no legitimate reason for staying in a bad relationship. You ALWAYS have options. Come to grips with how amazing you REALLY are. Decide that passion, romance & bliss are always worth pursuing.
4. Never accept anything less.
Love letters & feather headdresses,
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Further to “learn the difference between being in love & needing someone — anyone — else to make you feel complete”; you won’t get the respect you deserve until you give it to yourself.
Amen, ma’am!
Oh, & the other thing I’ve learned recently is that the more you like yourself, the better calibre people you will attract. Which is GREAT :D
You know I never have any thoughts like this about my boyfriend – I can’t find anything wrong with him! At first this scared me a bit because I thought I was being delusional and that my heart would get broken… But now I realise that I’m just one of the lucky ones. I’m really happy!
number 4 is applicable for anything; never accept anything less in life!
Ah, truer words were never spoken. It’s just so very important to learn about, accept, and love yourself, and to create for yourself the best life that you can, with or without someone else. I got myself out of a cruddy relationship when I started to realise how badly I was being treated, and how negatively it was affecting everything about me and who I was. Now, I’m so very much better, and so very much more myself – fantastic!
As always, Gala, great advice on life and love!
Ali, your boyfriend sounds really sweet. You are a lucky girl!
I happened to stumble on this site and I intantly fell in love. XD It’s just so interesting! Don’t ever stop! I’d be really really sad if you did!
It’s kinda ironic that I’m kinda helping my friend with a relationship problem about this (he wants her to change) and I read this and thought of that. Thanks for writing this post! It helps A LOT!
::
Thank you. I needed these reminders right now.
I felt like I had to put in a few words here. About “No one will ever change just because you want them to”.. well, I have changed a lot since I got together with my nowadays husband. Thanks to him I’m now confident in myself, less selfish, much more open and generally a more pleasant person to live with (which has made life a lot more pleasant for me as well). All this because of his arguing and showing me how we could have a better life together. It has taken a long time, I’m stubborn but usually I see his point when I’ve cooled down. I’m not saying that he is perfect, but he was a lot more harmonious than I was when we met and now we have a great relationship. What we do is that we continously work on it, just as your other posts on the subject lists a necessary for a healty relationship. We really talk to eachother and that is so important! Other than that – great advice :) I’ve been in those ‘needing someone’ relationships and I am so glad I finally realised that it was so and ended each. This one though, he’s a keeper :)
Malin — Ahh, but you see, you wanted to change too. That’s my point: the desire for change has to come from within. Someone else can encourage you but ultimately it has to self-motivated. Anyway, I’m very happy for you!
OH, I have to add one thing more – if what he’d wanted to change had been my looks or something superficial I’d never done it just for him! He simply wanted us to have a real and deep and healthy relationship and I am so happy for it :)
Mehhh, I wish everyone thought this way. I just had a couple of people I know break up who are so not right for one another…however they got back together – I know it won’t change.
However, one of them is quite young and probably will change but it certainly doesn’t happen overnight.
Anyway…I agree with you.
Gala – you are so quick! :) I guess I did want to, deep inside… but it wasn’t easy to get that out into the light. It took a lot of time and patience on his side.
GALA!!!!! you know I told you about my life story of going back to 2 1/2 years with an alcoholic and he treated me so bad….. & all…. and until yesterday I was still crying for him & hoping he’d change….. well guess WHAT!!!!! I’ve met a guy who is so much nicer to-day!!! We are so well suited, he’s a loner like me and you wont believe it but his whole apartment is like a REAL LIFE FOREST!!!!!!!! I SWEAR this needs to be documented with pictures!!!! I am so happy no more of having to take my ex’s bullshit, I now know again that men can be respectful, sweet, etc….... we ate potatoes & tea & watched old movies while cuddling….. I was having a panic attack on the street & came into his bldg entrance [we had briefly met before, I knew where he lived and I was desperate, not knowing where to go…] I rang his door, he wasnt home, I was gonna head out again in a wild snowstorm and bang he opens the door he saw me all crying & distraught & took me inside & hugged me & kissed me on the cheek and that was it, he’s my new manfriend :) Guess what he never drinks, doent smoke & does no drugs. He’s also 47 same age as my ex but man does he look younger!!!!! It’s silly I just jumped here because I wanted to tell YOU, not having any idea what your article was about!!! Great minds meet!!!:D andhe lives like 10 doors down!!! he told me I could come anytime I want… I’m so happy!!!!!! WOOH!
Swoon!! IzAlice Blue that sounds amazing – and his apartment makes me think of that shop we used to have in NZ called the Lost Forest where it was all kitted out like a forest with talking trees, etc. Anyone else go there for birthdays?? Anyway, sounds like an episode out of Sex and the City (in a GOOD way!!) Hooray for you!!!!
The Lost Forest – yes!!!
I love my person so much I really don’t want to waste a single second on “buts”. Having said that, my least favourite “but” appeared yesterday, but was eliminated pretty swiftly. It’s the most amazing feeling when you can go “why is this even a problem? I have this most amazing person who means the world to me, and whom i mean the world TO – unbelievably enough – why should petty things matter?” And in the end, they don’t. And that’s why I’m delightfully blessed.
This article couldn’t have come at a better time. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years a couple of months ago becuase there were things that we both weren’t happy with and things that just weren’t working. We hadn’t really spoken since then. I just knew he wasn’t the guy for me, no matter how much I wanted him to be. Out of the blue this week he emailed me, and we’ve been talking all week, discussing what happened and trying to move forward. It’s been really hard, becuase essentially we’re going through all the breakup emotions…AGAIN. And then there’s part of me that starts to say, “Things weren’t so bad, right? We could try to be together again. I could change and he could change and it might work…”. I know deep down that it’s not true, and while I miss him and love him, I’m not IN LOVE with him anymore. Thanks for the reminder and the encouragement. God works in mysterious ways and always guides you in the right direction. Much appreciated. :)
Or come to grips with how amazing THEY really are. Sometimes I get that “grass is always greener” itch. It’s just too mean.
Yesterday’s ‘thankful’ collum and today’s ‘husband’ one are one in the same for me.
I really love my mister, but if he keeps making me coffee and pancakes in the morning, my diet is going out the window. :) I love reading your advice gala.
I recently introspected really deeply after a bad relationship and realized that I was confusing:
a) being interested romantically in someone, &
b) someone who’s absolutely interesting! Just fascinating…
I was with the latter for too long and we just weren’t compatible. Now I’ve found someone who I’m genuinely interested in. He wants to help me, and I want to help him – we bring out the best in each other. We’ve spoken about it before – wanting to be better (“perfect me’s” is what we call it) is addictive! It’s delicious.
xoxo.
Miss Elle — Ahhh, that’s fantastic! I know exactly what you mean, though; sometimes the most fascinating people make terrible lovers & are much better as friends, or people who you can admire from afar. People play different roles in our lives & we shouldn’t necessarily sleep with everyone who interests us! ;D Being amazing doesn’t mean they will bring out the best in you & vice versa. Anyway, good for you darling!
IzAliceBlue — That is AMAZING!!&) I am SO HAPPY for you!!!! Congratulations. Hee. He sounds fantastic!
Kowhai — Yes, the Lost Forest! I used to have soft toys from there… one of them you would scratch its nose & its ears would curl up. Too cool. I bet I still have them at my parents house!
I went through so many boyfriends that I thought I needed, when really what i needed was to accept myself and love myself.
I then spent 2 1/2 years being single to figure out who I was and then got together with my wonderful man because I was ready and wanted to, not just because I was lonely or thought I needed to be in love.
We fight sometime over small stuff, but after a quick sulk I realise “Why am I fighting? In 20 years is this petty argument going to matter? Lets spend that 20 years only doing happy stuff.”
It’s so wonderful to be in a relationship where we are equals – not needing the other, but wanting to share our lives and be a family, because we know we make each other better.
Last night he put on relaxation music and tickled my back with a feather for ages to help me go to sleep – it’s things like this that make me know I got a keeper :)
Mm. The big problem with some people (read: me) is that, well, alright— People are who they are, so don’t expect them to be someone they’re not… but if you’re bipolar about your lover’s “someone-ness,” well, it gets hard.
Right now I’m in conflict about whether or not I can cope with the polarity between my dude’s sexy jazz professor bearded intelligent and funny side and his World-of-Warcraft, tower-defense, Magic the Gathering obsessed inner fourteen year old undersexed dweeb side. I mean, he’s 24 years old and we can’t go to a store without him looking for M:TG stuff, and I am what Dan Savage would call GGG (Good, Giving, and Game)— I buy him the G*#$_)@(#$ cards!! But sometimes I wish he’d be as pumped on French cinema, or radical decorating techniques, or kitten care, as he was about the goddamn stupid sci fi world he tries to live in.
Its hard— I accept who he is a hundred percent, but he just isn’t as “in” to my activities as I am to his. Almost embarrassing, really, makes me feel like I am a nerd with nerdier hobbies than him!
Meredith — Well, I don’t know. Maybe if you stopped “enabling” his geeky side (wink), you’d feel less crappy about his disinterest in your passions. I guess there’s a fine balance. My boyfriend talks to me about coding but it’s not like it really turns my crank. & I talk to him about interior design & he listens, but we’re not whipped into a frenzy by one another’s interests. I think that’s okay, though. As long as you’re respectful of one another’s stuff, then, well… it doesn’t matter so much. Maybe you need to make some friends who are into the same stuff you are. Then you wouldn’t feel the need for him to be totally into it. It might make things easier.
Plus, all people have a secret nerdy side. I like that. It may seem “uncool” but does that really matter? It helps give people dimension.
I took him to a screening of ‘Pépé le Moko,’ which is an IMPORTANT film in terms of my semester role in the research department, and he fell asleep. In front of my friends and professors… He fell. Asleep.
This would be ok except he snores louder than anyone I’ve ever known, including my own father, who has sleep apnea.
Today, tho’ we were driving through a blizzard, he had me take him to the mall and drop him off before going to the craft store (I’m starting my silk bird fascinator headpiece for the band’s show on the 7th, yikes!) when all I wanted was his companionship. Not money, not 100% interest and attention, but his company so I wouldn’t have to drive in the snow by myself.
We love each other VERY much but we’re just coming to blows over the respective geekiness factor— I’m a film and art nerd, he’s a… gaming nerd, I guess you would say. I wish I could come up with ways to get him interested in things that I like, but as my primary interests are looking at pretty pictures, decorating and modifying everything in front of me, katamari, and hula hooping… this might be harder than i thought. D:
Ouch, honey. That’s rough. I have to say though, trying to get someone interested in something they’re not is like pushing poop uphill. It is never going to go well. Your life will be easier if you just accept that. Today, though, did you tell him that you just wanted his company? That might be all it needs…
This is absolutely wonderful!
I wish I would have learned this lesson about 2 years ago =)
I’ve finally fallen in love with the most amazing guy ever =)
I finally realized that I was too good for what I was getting, and decided not to settle until I found someone that had exactly what I wanted. He does!
Meredith –
I just have to say that I was precisely in your position one year ago. I lived with a certified WoW addict for a year, dated him for three, and broke up with him twice (last time for good).
I am also an arts geek and I realized his lifestyle was completely incompatible with mine – and obsessive gaming, imo, is bordering on immature, mainly because he refused to address other areas of his life he was neglecting in favor of WoW.
Also. I took him to a poetry reading and he fell asleep (sound familiar?). There’s no way I can compare two people when I don’t know one of them, but please think about all the opportunities you have ahead of you if you found someone more compatible…I’m now dating someone who is much healthier for me, and is helping me grow as a person.
Sometimes, it just shouldn’t be so hard to get them interested in your interests. Find someone you love “as is” and you’ll see the difference. It took a really long time for me to understand that my interests deserve to be respected too, and that I have every right to find someone who thought the same.
Anyway I hope this helped a little, if you see it. At least know that there are actually WoW-gamer-friends & family support groups out there on the net and otherwise (yeah I checked). :P
Kowhai – thank you!! I think I just got cured from depression!!!!!!!!
Gala- thank you it is amazing :) when I get to know him better I will ask permission if he doesnt mind and if he’s okay with it I will shoot a video in this amazing forest apartment because it is just too incredible!!
and “nerd is the new cool” IMO ;)
Meredith, Tilly – the fallling asleep [during movies that were important to me & I wanted him to see] happened SO OFTEN with my ex I just let go out of my mind [6 motnhs after the physical éloignement] I wanted to try to make him understand my values and my view of the world through music and art that I connected with, but he just didnt see what I saw in that art. He was more into computers and F1 racing and a LOT of beer and POT. I dated a teenager in a 47-year-old body for 2 1/2 years of my life. Enough!
Now I’m getting to know great men as friends and I’m letting the future tell how it goes…. I tell people when I think they are amazing & interesting and I would like them to be my friend. The positive response quota has been impressively high!!!! [like 100%!]
Thank you Gala!
I finally ended it properly with someone who I loved but wasn’t in love with.
It hurts, but it is so much for the best.
And now I can pursue the most amazing boy I have ever met, who I think I could really fall in love with.
He’s learning to paint, he reads German poetry, he has a band with his (awesome) sister and they’re very good, he wears shirts collected from vintage shops in small European villages from when he went traveling, he loves history, he’s a western film buff and he’s the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.
Even if nothing happens with him, just knowing him at all makes me happy…
Hey I’m very young to have a byfriend im only in 5th but I really like my boyfriend so much i wouldnt give him up for anything!!!! but my best friend, paige likes him too and shes been getting mad at me lately….. I really love my boyfriend.. but i want to put my friends first… this is a really hard decision… cause ive had a crush on him since i met him. what should i do… i sent a emial to my friend paige saying if you want me to break up with him i will…. but she hasnt replied. :(
Hey Gala :)
I need advice on this…it’s kind of similar to what this article is about, but I still feel very uncomfortable about the entire situation. I’m Korean, and we have this sort of thing called big brother, big sister thing. Big brothers are called oppa, and big sisters are called noona. And I have a big brother. (If someone who’s close to you, older but not related.) I met him through my old church (which I don’t attend anymore.) Each day we got closer and closer, and each day I felt more loved and loved. And we’d always swap cute love text messages. My friend suspected he’s in love with me, which he always says. but i just think he’s just trying to flatter me. we always gave each other advice. it’s been almost a year, and the only thing that’s happened so far is that we got really close. i mean REALLLYYY CLOSE. and one day we decided to hack each others myspace, just say something sweet about each other. in the hack he said “yup we keep it real mang. To me, Hawnn is someone I want to protect and keep happy. I want to be there for her always, even if it puts me through struggles. Cuz I’d let the whole world fall on me, just so she wouldn’t have to feel a thing.” That was when i realized i fell in love. soon after..he sent me an unexpected message. after he told me he had to tell me something, he said “gahh~ for some reason I’m really nervous, and I’m shaking ;;
but here goes..,
when chyna asked me if I like you, I said no.
but I think I was lying to myself. cuz I was afraid of what would have happened if I said yes. like if it got awkward between you and me, or something. hmm.., I dont think I care anymore though. because I cant hide my feelings anymore.
I like you Hawnn. I really do.
I guess you can call this my confession..,”
that made me cry. i was so terrified what to do. after that happened i immediately called my bestfriend. she told me “do you really love him?” and i said yes. i told him my true feelings to him too…but i told him i had concerns. my concerns are is that he’s three years older then me. and because i’m asian, my family is really strict about age limits, kissing, etc. it’s really getting in the way. because i’m stressing about it so much. not only that, i’ve dated his bestfriend. which was LATE summer. and my ex still has feelings for me. i dont want to ruin their relationship. and i don’t want people to think i’m a whore. because really i’m not. lastly…i dont want to break his heart, and lose our relationship. he also currently has a girlfriend, which also concerned me. he replied saying “I see. well.., the only reason I still am going out with this girl is because, making a girl cry is like killing someone to me. if a girl cries, and its my fault it’ll literally tear at my heart. no lie. yeah.., I’m amusing lolz
you dont have to worry about me. I already told you.., I’d do anything just for you. even if that means I end up getting hurt.” and i just want advice on what to do for now on. everything is the same way, but we got alot closer, like were dating supposively? but were not. please help me gala, on what happens if he asks me out? or anything else on what you think? it be so great.
much love xoxo hawn
I have just found your blog and i love so many of your articles. I hav been in abusive relationships for the past 5 years (well 2 were abusive, one emotionally and physically, the second was emotionally abusive) then i found another guy who was really sweet and made me feel great…for a month or 2…then his drug use got in the way, and his dealing and it was evident that he would never love me as much as his mull and money! Then i started going out with a friend who has liked me for 5 years. only thing is b4 me he smoked pot all the time, rarely went to work and spent all his money on drugs (he is 31, but has given all that up now). Problem is, he keeps tellin me now that all guys want 6ft blondes, and altho he is with me (he loves me for my personality) he will always dream of 6ft blondes, namely his fave celeb. and that all/most guys want this kind of girl. He’ll comment on the way girls look all the time and say ‘she is ok but she is no 6ft blonde’...now a few comments i could handle. but now i am paranoid about girls lookin this way and me not being good enough. I do have body image issues 4 sure, BUT surely bf’s arent supposed to put u down like that? I feel maybe i am bein to strict and should be open to his ‘fantasy girls’ and get over it but if i do the same to him (pretending i have one cuz i dont really) then he hates it! Relationships shouldnt be about looks, BUT if looks are so unimportant then why should men be able to put girls down like that?! I dont mind the odd ‘oh she is hot’ comment (as long as he can handle me doing it bak) But it upsets me when he says they are his ‘fantasy’, i get that some ppl will fantasize about others but surely they can keep it to themselves? and why hav one celeb that he has ‘loved’ (his words) for almost 15years! and then generalised it to ‘all 6ft blondes are better’ ? Many ppl say i am really attractive, and that he is just jealous, but should i really have to put up with put downs and jealous games?! Are there any men which make their partner feel like their fantasy woman?! In the bedroom and out of the bedroom?! I mean, some ppl do separate sex and love, but if he is actually doing that then why does he get peeved if i mention a ‘fantasy’ celeb/ male
sweetchili — It sounds like him mentioning his “ideal woman” is his way of controlling you or keeping you feeling less-than-awesome so you won’t leave. It is an insecurity thing, for sure, & hey baby! You deserve more! I think it’s normal for couples to discuss what they find attractive but there is definitely a line which he has crossed, in my opinion. There are LOTS of men who are free with the compliments & do everything they can to make you feel as sexy, beautiful, wonderful as possible — they exist & they are out there! I promise!
Sweetchili~
You could definitely do better than the guy you have now. You may really love him, but how is it going to affect you as the years pass and there are countless, countless times you recall your boyfriend/husband (whatever he ends up becoming to you) oogling and imagining other girls? He even goes so far as to publicly disrespect you and say how hot a girl is, or constantly compare girls to his “ideal girl”. You KNOW he’s doing the same to you.
I personally have the most horrible hate for this kind of thing from guys, when they stare at other girls or say how hot they are – and I have been blessed immensely to have a wonderful boyfriend who actually takes steps to avoid looking at other girls in Victoria’s secret signs, skimpily-clad girls, nude scenes in movies, and the like. He was raised in a very conservative family and he views girls like this as disgusting temptations. He acts the same way around his guy friends who like looking at girls – he doesn’t join in, which helps remind me that he really is being honest to me. I also make sure to do the same and show respect for him in the areas he needs it. I really love him, and we think so much alike that I’m sure we aren’t going to have a problem dealing with obstacles in our future. I hope that you can find someone who truly respects and loves you, and who is content with only you for the rest of his life. ^^
My boyfriend is into the gangster lifestyle but i hate it,he is very sweet and loving but his lifestyle is something i dont see fitting into the dreams i have about my life. I just wanted to get married to somebody i love and raise kids together,but thinking that my children will grow up with gangster attitude and attire around them is not very entertaining to me. I think the hip hop/gangster world is just too immature and i dont know what to do,my boyfriend is the sweetest thing i have ever met and i have never felt so much at ease with a guy until i met him. Before that though he just appeared okay but now that i am getting to know more of him i realise he is so into gangster lifestyle that he wants all the things he sees on those people,ice grill,heavily tatooed….but he agreed to stop wearing big sizes the way the gangsters do. How do i talk to him about it without making him feel judged?? Or should i just leave him and not hurt him by trying to change his lifestyle
Gala,
I need your help! I’m in a relationship where my boyfriend and I are the same age and we fight a lot! we have been together for a year and 2 months. In the beginning of the relationship, we never really fought that much because we didn’t see eachother. we used to see eachother only once or sometimes twice a week. But as soon as it to our six month, he broke up with me because he wanted to be single. I was really hurt by it and told him that i couldn’t talk to him anymore. He couldnt accept the fact that we couldnt talk and then after 3 days, i took him back because he felt really bad about what he did and i really loved and missed him. After that things were going great until we started going to the same college. we fight more than ever and he complains that i dont give him his space. i mean whenever we do fight, we easily solve it out by communicating, but its just that my self-esteem is really low beacuse of him and its not healthy. he tells me that i control him a lot but i feel as if he controls me. I know i should totally back off and let him do what he wants but i cant! ive become so possesive and clingy…idk what to do…its hard for me to break up with him because im scared i wont find someone better in the future.