I Met Someone New & Can't Deny The Reality Of My Relationship Any Longer!
[ 4 May 2009 ]
I received this email the other day.
“I met my boyfriend John when I was 15. I’m 29 now and he is 31. His parents continued to support him until I forced him to start working, because he wasn’t doing a thing with his art. He is lovely. He’s good to me. We have great sex still. We have a lot in common. He’s an adult but not living like one. He has a savings account because I made him get one. He doesn’t have health insurance or a retirement account. I don’t know what would happen if he got really sick, or hurt, but it would probably involve me having to figure out how to get him treatment and pay for it.
The current conundrum: I met a guy named Zillah. Things were friendly at first, but over the past 4 months, we’ve gotten close… and maybe done some things that many people would take issue with, since we’re both in relationships.
I have always seen myself with John forever, and the thought of meeting someone else never even occurred to me. Even though I can’t picture what life will be like with him in the future. I feel like we haven’t discussed goals. All the aforementioned stuff is really stressful to me, but I do love him.
But since meeting Zillah… I’ve been thinking about what being in a relationship with him would be like. He’s in the same industry as me, he’s successful, motivated and driven (so important to me), we have a variety of things in common… I could go on.
My question is this: Is it wrong to partially fall in love with someone because they have their sh!t together in a way that my boyfriend of 14 years does not? Is it wrong that I think about life with Zillah being an easier life because I am not the only one who is actively planning the future? I feel like it’s not easy that I want, but equal. Equally excited about planning for the future.
I had sort of been in denial about what has been bothering me in my current relationship, and now I feel like I have seen that things can be different. I don’t want kids, but sometimes I feel like I have one. He knows that his parents raised him in a way that has really hindered his fending for himself, but it hasn’t led to him really doing anything about it.
I don’t know what to think, but this boy problem has made me realize that I am not completely happy with my current situation. If you have thoughts on this, or I have overlooked a question you answered or article you wrote, please refer me to them!”
I think the first & most important thing to address is that it is never wrong to fall in love — partially or fully — with someone. Our heart does what it wants, & often we’re really just along on the ride with little to no say in what goes on. Fact: You can’t help who you fall for.
The second thing to think about is that just because you have met this guy & you like him, that doesn’t mean you have to launch into a full-blown affair, or to break up with your boyfriend & jump into a new relationship. Not at all. I think the people we meet are markers along the road of our life, & they all have different things to teach us. Maybe this guy came into your life to show you what other options are out there, & to open your eyes to the reality of your current relationship — & nothing more.
Being in a long-term, intimate relationship with someone whose outlook on the world is clearly different to yours can be really difficult, especially when you feel like the person “in charge”. No one really wants to look after someone else in a relationship, unless they’re looking for some kind of pet project (which is another subject entirely!). That stuff gets old quickly. If you don’t feel that he’s pulling his weight, you’re probably going to start resenting him, & that will make the base of your relationship very rocky.
It sounds like you & John are in very different places. There’s nothing wrong with that, but at some point, it is going to start to cause problems. You sound like you are an adult: you are responsible, you are mature, you want to plan for the future & have some kind of certainty in your life. It sounds like he’s lagging in that department, & yet you’re trying to drag him along with you. Women do mature faster than men, but if he’s 31 & still floundering around, you might need to come to terms with the fact that he’s not going to change in a hurry. Maybe he’s always going to be like this. If he was, could you deal with that?
One of the great lessons of relationships — in my mind — revolves around learning to love an imperfect person. That is all that anyone is. No one is ideal, no one is going to tick all your boxes & be this immaculate creature. Ever. Once you’ve come to terms with that, it’s time to assess whether their imperfections are the sort of thing you can love… or leave. Some character traits are a total dealbreaker, while others you might decide are worth putting up with. After all, you probably don’t clean the shower as often as you should. Maybe you leave your underwear all over the house, or have extremely long, loud phone conversations at ridiculous times of the night, but your positive qualities probably outweigh these things — at least to John.
You & John have been together for 14 years. That’s an amazing run, & is to be commended. But I have to question whether you’re still right for one another. People change so much, especially from their teens into their early twenties, that it’s extremely rare for couples to stay together during that period. Maybe now that the two of you have gone through that, it just seems easier to stay with him. It’s comfortable & safe & easy. But it doesn’t light your fire any more — & that’s okay, & very natural.
I think this kind of thing happens all the time. We have these partners who we love, but we know things aren’t totally right… & then we meet someone else who makes us feel alive again. Sometimes we get involved with those people, & sometimes we don’t, but what these situations seem to have in common is that they jolt us awake, they incite us to take some kind of action, & give us the confidence to move into the next chapter of our life.
Call me an optimist, but I think we are always moving onwards & upwards to something better. Even if it doesn’t look like that at the time, & we feel confused & conflicted & unsure of ourselves. Know this much: life is always unfolding perfectly & exactly as it should.
What you decide to do next is up to you. Maybe it’s time for you & John to have some difficult conversations, but maybe you don’t want to disturb the status quo too much. What I do know is that it would be a shame for you to settle down with him permanently without having discussed these things, or while feeling that your life could have been much more exciting.
I’ll leave you with this, because I think it sums up your situation pretty nicely.
“Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains two descriptions: might have, & should have.” — Louis E. Boone
Good luck in whatever you decide to do, beautiful girl!
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I absolutely adore that quote.
This post would have really helped me figure things out a while ago, and at that point I had a huge re-evaluation of whether the relationship was working, whether we wanted the same things, and how much I was willing to work for it. It was horrible at the time, but so good for us in the long run.
I find this to be wonderful, especially the bit about someone new not necessarily being someone with whom to start something, but someone who jolts you awake and makes you access things, go you for being so wise!
I wish I’d known and/or recognized that a few years ago. I was in a very hurtful, draining relationship with someone I loved dearly, and I left him for someone I felt lukewarm about, but who treated me splendidly…you can imagine how THAT went. Three hearts broken, when I could have simply looked at New Boy as a guidepost, showing me how things COULD be and how I DESERVED to be treated, without letting things get out of hand emotionally. I still regret hurting them both, SOOOO so much. But hey, I learned from my epic booboo, and now I am married to someone who is my perfect fit, my equal, and who treats me the right way.I do so hope Reader finds her way
This is really beautiful Gala, gorgeous writing and inspiring advice. A sweet read indeed!
Oooooooh I LOVE love! yummy!
This is in perfect timing for me… thank you!
Wow—I’ve been feeling similarly about my boyfriend of four years (We’ve been dating since 17) because of the reasons of his…maturity and responsibility about the future. There is no third person involved—but this did help put some things in perspective.
In our relationship, however, we communicate really great. He knows how I feel about his lack of responsibility and he is working on it. I also understand that he’s—just not perfect. We always sit down and talk if there is something in the relationship that is bother us (or vice versa). I feel that this is something special that we have, from what I’ve seen many couples just don’t know how to talk to one another and people will go to other people for help before actually going to talk it out with their partner.
Great article, great quote and I love the fact, Gala,
that you are never judging anyone for anything.
You are just offering different point of views.
Thumps up!
This article really spoke to me, and I have to agree that it is extremely difficult to let go of such a developed relationship, especially if it’s the first, or it started when both people were quite young.
I adore that quote, and often find that people cite the “many more fish in the sea” quote in similar situations. It’s also crucial to consider the future realistically and never consider your personal happiness to be less important than the approval of your friends or family, who often act like ties in long-term relationships (which I think the above picture illustrates?) and who, in the long run, can cause more harm than good. Would you still be truly happy if the relationship continued for another year? Five years, or ten? If not, it’s definitely a signal to evaluate your current relationship.
Thanks, Gala!
Gala again perfect timing!
This article really helped me, considering I have managed to become the third party in a situation eerily similar to the one in the article (but like you said you can’t chose who you fall in love with).
Thank you so much for offering up good, nonjudgmental advice.
Bravo on (and thank you for) this article Gala! It mirrors things about my current situation and feelings and speaks to my heart. You outlook and opinions on it are refreshing.
That quote by Louis E. Boon is one of my most favourite ever. And Gala when you said “life is always unfolding perfectly and exactly as it should” Wow. That rocked me. Resounded with something inside.
Goodluck to you- who sent the email in. I hope you choose what brings you the most love and happiness.
“I think the people we meet are markers along the road of our life, & they all have different things to teach us.” This is such a good observation, and I think it can apply to all kinds of relationships. Awesome, sensitively-written article!
Such good advice. So practical and yet sensitive. I would just add (because I can’t help myself from adding to advice like this) that I knew I needed a change when I pictured my life with my boyfriend, say, 10 years in the future, and it looked a lot like that nightmare-ish scene in Look Who’s Talking where Kirsti Alley’s character pictures being married to John Travolta’s character, and it’s all fart jokes at the table … In other words, I pictured the life I thought I’d have with him, and it was deeply dissatisfying. That was when I knew it wasn’t about him, and it wasn’t about me being good or bad. It was about me having a fulfilling life.
Timely. I had a mutual breakup with my boyfriend of 10 years on Friday. There is no-one else involved but that doesn’t really matter. Sounds like this Zillah is a catalyst for re-evaluation of the relationship. In our case it was Psychoanalysis that opened our eyes.
I’m going to down the path of attempting to remain close friends with my partner, he is like a part of me and I love him more than family. I truly feel we are always meant to be in each others lives, just not as lovers.
I’d love to hear any success stories of people who do this. Most people I tell of my plans are very negative and tell me it won’t work, but we both really want it to. He is overseas indefinitely so it’s not like we will see each other much for a long time.
Hi… I’ve never commented here before but this situation rang so true for me. I hurt for you because I know how hard this is. Bottom line is, you cannot bind your heart down and tell it to stop loving someone. And oftentimes, that is exactly what happens in these longterm relationships.
Last summer I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years, the day after his thirtieth birthday. He came from a very wealthy family, and until quite recently, had never paid a bill on his own. Either his mom, or I, paid the rent, the phone bill, medical bills, etc. Part of the time I supported both of us on an adjunct lecturers salary (about $8,000 a year. really.) . I still loved him. In fact, at one time, I wanted to marry him and have children together. I still love him today. It was safe and comfortable and sweet. It was domestic bliss (i CLEARLY am haunted by selective memories).
BUT I wasn’t IN LOVE.
After we split, it was sooo hard. It needed to happen, but it didn’t make it ANY easier. Imagine your leg is infected and you have to have it amputated. Well, it needs to go before it infects the rest of your body and kills you. And yet, its your LEG. You miss it. You drag it around for the rest of your life, this phantom limb. Losing someone you have loved for so long is going to feel like that. You wake up in the middle of the night, in a panic, like where is HE? Where is my LEG? (good news, the limb grows back…)
I guess I had to choose comfort or real, heart-pounding, sweaty-palmed, sleep-disrupting LOVE, and I choose the latter. It hurt. Especially because a week after the breakup, my mother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. I had no net, no safe place, no solace, that I had at one time possessed in my boyfriend. But I grew much stronger. I relied on myself. I cried and howled and journaled and discovered deep poetic strength I never knew I could possess.
I dated hot, lovely, intellectual guys, guys I never even KNEW I was into… the twenty year old Ecuadorian frat boy with a lip ring, the twenty-one year old hipster who taught me to love Nabakov. I let my heart be rent open, I let it bleed out, and I grew and I grew and I grew.
And now, surprise, ten months later, I am in deep, vulnerable love with someone new, someone mature and sexy, a soft-eyed Indian Beatle who happens to pay for his own sweet apartment in the Upper West Side. Umm, how did this happen? By letting it. So be easy on love.
Thank you for prompting me to write this. I actaully feel a ton better. But please, do have courage, and treat John with respect. It is easy to go wheeling off in the direction of new lust and love, but remember and honor the love that you had. Then you will be free to feel the abundance of love that is out there, and let it wash over you in waves.
there’s a quote that i really love that reminds me of this situation:
“and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” anaïs nin
make of it what you will :)
I fell in love at 18 moved in at 18 and a half and lived 2 and a half years of blissful happiness until I met James. We were similar in ways that me and my boyfriend weren’t and he made me realize that while I still loved my boy, in that transition from teenager to young adult we had grown apart severely; he wanted to start his business and i wanted to travel the world for starters… I didn’t like the thought of leaving him for someone else so I endured that relationship for several more months before realizing that it wasn’t James I wanted, I just wanted to be happy. We are still very close and both living the lives we never could have lived had we stayed together.
Oh my g-d. I know like 10 others have already said this, but how do you time these things so right Gala?
I plan on breaking things off with my boyfriend of two years today, and this article is really helping to keep me afloat right now.
This came at an important time for me. I’ve been on a roller coaster, happy with my love life and then getting so frustrated , the uncertainty, the confusion and whatever and then becoming happy again.
I loved the bit about everything unfolding perfectly :)
Wonderful post! You’re completely right — life is unfolding exactly as it should. This is great advice and I think it’s important to be as optimistic as you are. Not too long ago, I wrote a post on my blog called “don’t settle for anything less than butterflies” (taken from a Sex & the City quote). http://positivelypresent.typepad.com/positively_present/2009/04/dont-settle-for-anything-less-than-butterflies.html
If you have doubts or you’re uncertain about a situation, make sure you’re not settling. Also, it’s important to remember that people change and grow over time. Sometimes they grow with one another and sometimes they grow apart. As you’ve mentioned in this post, it’s so important to follow your heart and to recognize that it is never wrong to fall in love with someone. The heart wants what the heart wants.
In a way, articles like this scare me. I’m 16 and my boyfriend is 20, we’ve been together for a year. I think a lot of teenagers in the heat of first love assme that they’ll be together forever, and then it simply doesn’t work- people change, realise they want something different, realise that “love” was only really lust all along. So when I say that my boyfriend and I are going to last, anyone reading this comment is probably going to raise their eyebrows and say “suuure you are”.
What I think makes us different from all those other teenagers (aside from a certain degree of maturity, if I may say so myself!) is the acknowlegement that things are not going to be perfect. We are going to fight, I’m going to wonder what it’s like to be with someone else because I never have before, we’re going to change and things will not be easy- nothing worth having ever is! What I think seperates the couples that stay together and those that don’t, isn’t that they don’t come across problems but simply that they have a similar enough mindset, and enough determination, to be able to work through them effectively.
Sorry about the epic rant here… just some of my thoughts on the subject!
Thank you Gala, this just reminds me of why i fell in love with Icing in the first place, always inspirational.
much love !
Gala, as usual, your advice is spot on. I only wish you’d have posted this a few weeks back, as I was in pretty much the same situation (no other guy though), and found it so difficult to make the decision to leave. And even harder was sticking to that decision once I’d made it. But I’m so glad I did, for all the reasons you have outlined.
Thanks Gala, and hugs to all those out there going through the same thing… it does get better!
Wow. It really is amazing how many people seem to be going through this. You are a gem for looking at things in such a unbiased way.
Fantastic and amazing advice. You’re the best Gala! XOXO
:) Gala, how can the world be so awesome that when I need to read something you write it?? Coincidences are so great…
Well, the phrase “One of the great lessons of relationships — in my mind — revolves around learning to love an imperfect person. That is all that anyone is” is what I needed to hear (or read). I’ve been seeing my ex-boyfriend this month; we haven’t come back together because I don’t know if I want to yet. It was aweful when he broked out with me, but after some months I returned to school after the vacations and found out that I was doing great as a single. For that reason, and the fact that I haven’t date anyone else since 2 years ago, is why I just can’t decide…I do love him. He’s amazing, he’s cute, he’s…well, imperfect…there’s a reason why we broked out. But our relationship was pretty awesome most of the way, and I just can’t get around the fact that if I do decide that we shouldn’t be together, I won’t be able to talk to him as now, or to see him, and everything else. I guess that being undecided is a pretty clear sign of what I’m feeling towards him, but still, eventhough all, I love him…but maybe I just CAN’T be with anyone now…aghh…:(
Well anyways girl, THANKS a lot :D
though not to that intensity, i have definitely been in your situation before. it’s probably the hardest thing you’ll have to deal with in relationships in your life! i think i found this in the reader comments on your site, gala; either way, i saved it because it really struck a chord in me:
“the thing is with relationships, is if it’s meant to be you can’t f*ck it up no matter how hard you may try. and if it isn’t meant to be then… there’s nothing you can do to keep it together. so why not give it a try?”
Great advice as always, Gala. The part about being a marker in someone’s life and nothing more was especially poignant for me…in contemplating recent personal events, I’m now wondering if I was someone else’s marker/milestone.
This is really good, Gala. I’m impressed with the way you have left the actual stay-or-go question open. A lot of the comments seem to be from people who have decided to leave the relationship, and that’s fine. I just wanted to add my own perspective, which is that it is possible to stay with your high-school boyfriend forever (well, 19 years so far) – it’s been known to happen. ;)
Hey Gala! I liked this advice piece and applaud all that’s in it. However, there are two things I disagree with.
I think love is ultimately a choice and I really find the conventional wisdom that people’s feelings are simply swayed one way or another regardless of their own free will to be false. I think falling for someone takes some calculated trust, risk, and deliberate desire to understand the other person. I don’t think it’s something that just “happens.” It seemed to me like the gal asking for advice was looking outside of the relationship before New Guy even strolled into the scene.
The other thing I disagreed with was that life keeps getting better and better. I think it’s important to know, especially as you’re growing up, that life is just going to have a lot of highs and lows. The low points build your character and get you ready to face the next challeneges. In any case, it’s not the specific situation you’re in that’s important. It’s how you preceive it and how you handle it that will determine where your future takes you. I think realizing that is part of what your 20s is all about.
It has been my experience that for a relationship to work long-term, you have to have the 2 L’s. Love, and Lifestyle. You can love someone very much, but if your lifestyles don’t match up cohesively, it is very hard to keep the relationship stable and without resentment on one or both sides. Having a lifestyle that is compatible with your partner’s is necessary. It does not have to be exactly the same, but there needs to be a sense that you can grow together and not apart. And if your lifestyles mesh perfectly, but you don’t love the person, then it just becomes a friendship versus a relationship.
This has just been my experience. And I think 14 years is an amazing feat in itself, so if the relationship does end, don’t look at it as a failure. :)
Some advice: I was in the same situation. I’ve been in the same situation many times. I’ve held the hands of several boys until they grew up to be men and by the time that rolled around, I was too exhausted to deal with it any longer and so I let them go. I didn’t even stick around to see the person they became.
Recently, I was in a relationship that was good at best and ok at worst. We were two very different people. I am career minded and he is more traditional. Every time I thought about the future, I saw that one of us would have to give something up in order to make it work. I asked myself if I would be willing to give up my dreams and the answer was no. I asked myself if I would be willing to make him give up his dreams and the answer was also no. So even though everything was good, I let him go. We’re still friends and roomies, and who knows maybe someday down the line we’ll get back together. But it just didn’t feel right.
Now I’m taking some me time. I’m meeting new people and doing my own thing without worrying about hurting the feelings of my significant other and I feel great. Nothing is too serious aside from my own personal goals and I’ve decided to assess what I want in a partner before jumping into anything.
I’ve decided I do alot of jumping into relationships and it’s almost always the same so it’s time to be proactive about it. It’s time to change things.
Sometimes people can set this epiphany into motion. I call them Catalysts and they seem to enjoy the term every time. It gives them some importance. Maybe the new friend is a Catalyst. He doesn’t have to be anything more or less than you want him to be.
I believe that people are always learning from other people. Sometimes good things, sometimes bad, most times they’re learning things about themselves. So learn away. Assess what you want and need, but above all be honest with your current partner and honest with yourself.
your writing is amazing!
Honesty is truly essential in any relationship
xx
This makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, thank you for posting it!
This is such wonderful help to those in similar and even different situations. It is the pursuit of constant positive in ones life that will keep you going, the pursuit for happiness and love that make us feel alive.
Gala when you mentioned we meet people that wake us up. I understand that completley. My life was downhill for so long, but i pushed through it and met some amazing people and fell in love with a few people, friends and lovers. They woke me up again and i felt alive!
If you can find someone that will make u feel awake and inspired hold onto that, don’t dismiss it, embrace it. You’ll learn something you never thought possible before.
Beautiful Advice Gala.
Your an inspiration to us all.
xxx
I think that she should consider the fact that if (she and) Zillah are happy to do things that would be frowned upon (due to their other relationship status)....who’s to say Zillah won’t do the same thing behind her back.
I would recommend to her having a chat to John about life, goals, etc and then give it a couple of months to see how things pan out and how she feels.
“Never leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love”
Great article, Gala. It’s a good life /relationship checkup reminder to everyone. :)
I would just like to say how beautifully written this is, and how it made me think of my own relationship.
Its weird cause i have a boyfriend named john, and we started dating at 15 … i dont want this to happen to us, so i will have a talk with him
:)
I have come across so many people in similar situations, holding on to high-school sweethearts or whathaveyou, and it’s always frustrating to see a vibrant friend stagnating because they’re pulling double-weight in a relationship. It’s only going to hinder personal development to stay tied to someone who isn’t willing to grow with you, or simply grows in an opposite direction. It’s not a failure to expand your horizons. Hope everything works out!
P.S. Very sound advice, Gala, on a tricky topic. I like that when you write responses like this you don’t necessarily tell the questioner what to do, but just give her some points on both sides to think about. Tres bien.
This hits home with me right now. I’m in love with my boyfriend but an ex has just resurfaced and I’m confused. I’m starting to have feelings for my ex and feel horribly guilty about it, but if everything was right in my relationship I feel like this wouldn’t be happening. I’m so confused on what to do, however feel that time will tell. This article has come at a wonderful time for me!
Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. I honestly feel like you writing this article right now is a way for fate to scream at me. I was honest to god thinking, “I just don’t know what to do right now, I wish one of my girlfriends were online so I could talk to someone about this whole mess,” when I clicked over here. You are wonderful and I love you!
okay, me again, just an update, lol. i totally broke it off and feel so much relief right now. everybody should do it, haha.
“Things were friendly at first, but over the past 4 months, we’ve gotten close… and maybe done some things that many people would take issue with, since we’re both in relationships.”
This stood out to me and I can’t believe that no one pointed it out before me. I think that if you have done something that your boyfriend would object to then you need tell him right away. If you guys have an open relationship or he already knows then just ignore me. If he would consider this cheating you need to tell him so HE can make a decision.
i love you for this. thank you.
Excellent advice Gala. I love your view on relationships in general actually! Nice one x
Going through a similar situation, I’m so glad to read this article – thanks for the advice Gala & good luck to the original reader.
It’s a difficult decision, but it seems like things (with the emergence of Zillah) are already working themselves out for you in one way or another.
As I began reading the letter all I could think of was “what a coincidence!” I’m going through something very similar: the boyfriend who I’m starting to feel like the mother of and having to deal with his lack of goals and maturity (which is starting to get a bit frustrating).
At this point, I feel as though I should start looking for somebody else that I have more in common with, but at the same time I have faith that it will get better; only time will tell I suppose.
As always, thoughtful, non-judgmental advice! This is why people read you, Gala! :)
I wonder, though, what you think about polyamory? This might not be applicable to this person in particular, but very often, people are in love with two people at once and “wonder what to do” simply because the idea of having a loving, healthy relationship with both never even occurred to them. It’s not right for everyone, but I think it’s something that should at LEAST be brought up as a possibility, even if they end up chucking it later. Happy relationships don’t only have to involve two people as long as everyone involved is honest, considerate, and understanding. Just a thought.
I honestly think this is one of, if not the most insightful pieces I have come across on the subject of relationships.
Too often we, and especially us females, are told that “the one” will complete you, tick all your boxes, and every day will be miraculous and amazing, and will be all you had ever hoped and imagined and dreamed and more.
This is simply not true, and it is so so so important that people wake up to the reality that everyone will be an imperfect person, every relationship will take work and that the above notions are simply not going to manifest in real life!!
That is not to say that life with your partner cannot be all those things, it’s just that it won’t be all those things all the time, and most certainly not without a bit of perspective and knowledge that things do take work.
I’m not so much a believer in the concept of “the one”, rather than the concept of there being multiple people all over the world who you can and perhaps will share an amazing connection with, people who can teach you and love you and show you amazing things. I do believe in endless love, and in changing and evolving love, which is why your comments regarding learning to love an imperfect person resonate so deeply with me.
We have to stop believing that one person will complete you and make the sun shine on your being every day and in every way. Love is an amazing thing, able to make things change in ways unimaginable, however we need to stay smart and stay in control, take responsibility for our relationships, happiness does not get handed to anyone on a silver platter.
this article hits the bull’s eye! Occasionally we meet poeple in whom we see what is missing in our own relationships. I once left my boyfriend, because i met a guy who really had all this attributes that my boyfriend lacked in my opinion. But then, I realised that I missed all the attributes of my former boy after i’ve left him. I saw what a mistake i’ve made by falling for “the grass is greener on the other side”. And this story has a good ending, because I was luckily in position to go back to him. The time we were separated was propably the most hurtful of my life, but I think it was important. For me it was an eye opener! I realised how badly I actually treated my boyfriend before I left him. I was constantly criticising him and thinking about his negative sides. Now I know that it is a good thing that we are so different. in fact, his positives sides are so much more important than the few minor things he is not good at.
wow… i was once in a similar situation. i’m really surprised at how many people here went through something like this. i guess it’s more common than i thought. it’s nice to relate to all of your stories :)
my ex and i were close in age, but we were at completely different points in our lives! i was starting my career, growing into an independent adult, and he was still very much under the care of his parents. he did not know how to take care of very basic things like preparing food for himself, writing out personal checks, or cleaning up after himself. we were in our twenties at this point and he did not know how to be independent or really do anything! in retrospect i can easily say, what was i thinking?! although he was very caring and kind, i wanted an equal, a partner. not a child to take care of. in the end this became a huge problem, and it became clear that the relationship needed to end in order for both of us to grow.
like many people on this thread, i believe people come into our lives for a reason, and my relationship with this person taught me a lot, and i don’t regret a thing. after our relationship ended, i began a new one. four years later we are still together, and we are partners, equals. my past experiences brought me here, and here i am, happy.
You are wonderful Gala. Your words of wisdom are always so true and inspiring! If only everyone were as optimistic and insightful!!
Peace, Love and Neon,
Marisa
“TheNeonTeaParty.blogspot.com”
This is just amazing. I’ve been having the same problems with my boyfriend, and we’ve been having such a hard time these past few months. I’ve met someone new, and I was thinking about leaving him for this new guy. You’ve opened my eyes so much, and I feel that I have read this post today for a reason. It’s almost scary how life unfolds so perfectly.
Thank you SO much, Gala. ♥
I had sort of been in denial about my dead marriage, I am now divorced and it has been bothering me in my current single life, and now I feel like I have seen that things can be different. I don’t have any kids, but sometimes I feel like some guys I’ve dated are a one. My ex-husband he knows that his mother did not raise him in a way that has really hindered his fending for himself, but it hasn’t led to him really doing anything about it. Every girl he has had the mother would mental and pyscially attack the girlfriends, I was one of those girls that got that treatment from her, I don’t want other girls to suffer from it but his new girlfriend has no idea that his mother will try any thing to damage his happiness. Of course he does lie and act like a kid, his mother never teached her son about the real world. I do feel sorry for him, I can’t change that for him he has to change for himself. I wish I could have someone who would treat me with lots of respect and love me properly! Sadly my ex-husband pyscially all most killed me with violence due to his mother who is evil!!
I have to point out how strange this is reading ‘Zillah’ in this letter. The first time I’ve ever heard of someone else with my name, and it’s a boy!