12 October 2007, 22:01
“I am wondering if you can give some advice. I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 and a half months. Everything is great but he claims that every Saturday night he goes to his family’s house and stays until Sunday evening. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but his family does live 60 miles away. Could he possibly be with someone else there in his home town? He does have a reputation from everyone that knows him of being a player. I do try to call him when he’s away for the weekend, he answers the phone, but he always wants to cut the conversation and wants to hang up!! I’m going crazy, what should I do?”
I’m sorry that you’re going through this! Feeling unsure about the person you’re keen on is a very unsettling feeling. However, when it comes to dealing with the situation, it’s a pretty simple process.
Trust your instincts
You need to listen to what your body is telling you. (I say ‘body’ because, interestingly, while a lot of us, if asked to point to where our ‘mind’ is, will point at their head, people in other cultures — for example, Japanese or Italian culture — will indicate that their mind is in their entire body.) Of course, sometimes it can be hard to separate paranoia or insecurity from intuition & gut feelings, but the longer you are alive & the more experience you have, the better you will get at this. The reason for trusting your instincts is that they are almost always right. When you make the next couple of steps, your intuition (or gut) might tell you your boyfriend is lying. If this is the case, listen to yourself, rather than him.
Talk to him about it
While you could don a silly wig, jump in a car & follow him, I don’t advocate this as a tactic! Sneaking around in people’s personal affairs — like reading their text messages or logging into their email, among other things — is pretty uncool. You really need to speak to him about your concerns. Organise a time to sit down with him, face to face, & ask him what’s going on. Don’t downplay your fears to try to seem like an unaffected ice queen: you need to be as authentic as possible. For example, I would say, “Honeybunch, I know that you’ve said you visit your family every weekend, & I would really like to trust you on that. But your behaviour has made me really suspicious — you never want to talk long on the phone & I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone else who is that keen on their family! So, if you’re sleeping with someone else, or you have another girlfriend, or something, please tell me.”
Gauge his response
You need to pay attention to him while he is taking this in. Watch what he does. He might be horrified, & say, “God, no! I’m so sorry you feel that way, but my grandmother is really sick & I feel like I need to spend as much as time possible with her before she dies.” But on the other hand, he might say, “Sleeping with someone else?! ... Another girlfriend?! ... Whatever…” You know him better than I do, so you’ll probably have a good sense of whether he is lying to you or not. There are a lot of non-verbal cues that indicate someone is lying. Try reading this, this, this & this!
Make your decision
Is he lying or is he being honest? You might never really know, but you have to make a decision. Either you believe him or you don’t. If you choose to trust him & it turns out that he has been sleeping around, it will hurt but you will have learned some kind of lesson. However, if you choose not to believe him, then you should break up with him. Relationships need to have a basis of trust, or really it is just a short cut to an ulcer & lots of grey hairs.
I hope, for your sake, that he is a good guy. I think the crux of this situation is knowing when to quit & when to stick — but you definitely need to talk to him about it, & make a call as to what you’re going to do. Best of luck!
P.S. You might like to read this, too: Will My Boyfriend Cheat On Me?