Is My Boyfriend Cheating On Me?
[ 12 October 2007 ]
“I am wondering if you can give some advice. I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 and a half months. Everything is great but he claims that every Saturday night he goes to his family’s house and stays until Sunday evening. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but his family does live 60 miles away. Could he possibly be with someone else there in his home town? He does have a reputation from everyone that knows him of being a player. I do try to call him when he’s away for the weekend, he answers the phone, but he always wants to cut the conversation and wants to hang up!! I’m going crazy, what should I do?”
I’m sorry that you’re going through this! Feeling unsure about the person you’re keen on is a very unsettling feeling. However, when it comes to dealing with the situation, it’s a pretty simple process.
Trust your instincts
You need to listen to what your body is telling you. (I say ‘body’ because, interestingly, while a lot of us, if asked to point to where our ‘mind’ is, will point at their head, people in other cultures — for example, Japanese or Italian culture — will indicate that their mind is in their entire body.) Of course, sometimes it can be hard to separate paranoia or insecurity from intuition & gut feelings, but the longer you are alive & the more experience you have, the better you will get at this. The reason for trusting your instincts is that they are almost always right. When you make the next couple of steps, your intuition (or gut) might tell you your boyfriend is lying. If this is the case, listen to yourself, rather than him.
Talk to him about it
While you could don a silly wig, jump in a car & follow him, I don’t advocate this as a tactic! Sneaking around in people’s personal affairs — like reading their text messages or logging into their email, among other things — is pretty uncool. You really need to speak to him about your concerns. Organise a time to sit down with him, face to face, & ask him what’s going on. Don’t downplay your fears to try to seem like an unaffected ice queen: you need to be as authentic as possible. For example, I would say, “Honeybunch, I know that you’ve said you visit your family every weekend, & I would really like to trust you on that. But your behaviour has made me really suspicious — you never want to talk long on the phone & I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone else who is that keen on their family! So, if you’re sleeping with someone else, or you have another girlfriend, or something, please tell me.”
Gauge his response
You need to pay attention to him while he is taking this in. Watch what he does. He might be horrified, & say, “God, no! I’m so sorry you feel that way, but my grandmother is really sick & I feel like I need to spend as much as time possible with her before she dies.” But on the other hand, he might say, “Sleeping with someone else?! ... Another girlfriend?! ... Whatever…” You know him better than I do, so you’ll probably have a good sense of whether he is lying to you or not. There are a lot of non-verbal cues that indicate someone is lying. Try reading this, this, this & this!
Make your decision
Is he lying or is he being honest? You might never really know, but you have to make a decision. Either you believe him or you don’t. If you choose to trust him & it turns out that he has been sleeping around, it will hurt but you will have learned some kind of lesson. However, if you choose not to believe him, then you should break up with him. Relationships need to have a basis of trust, or really it is just a short cut to an ulcer & lots of grey hairs.
I hope, for your sake, that he is a good guy. I think the crux of this situation is knowing when to quit & when to stick — but you definitely need to talk to him about it, & make a call as to what you’re going to do. Best of luck!
P.S. You might like to read this, too: Will My Boyfriend Cheat On Me?
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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Off topic a bit, but I just watched that episode of SATC a few days ago. So great :P
A couple of months ago I had a panic attack coz I thought my boyfriend was cheating on me. Without reason. I talked over with my terapist, and he told me that everything was just because when I was little, my dad cheated on my mom, what leaded to their divorce.I was afraid that the same was going to happen to me.
What this girl with the problem should probably do, is to ask her boyfriend to invite her over sometime, like that she will realize if he is or not.
My ex-boyfriend cheated on me with apparently five girls within a year, and although deep down I knew something was off, I tried to trust him when he said he was being faithful. I thought maybe I was just being jealous and paranoid, but now I wish I had listened to my intuition—it would’ve saved me a lot of time and grief. But like you said, I learned a lesson and now know how I would like to be treated and the amount of attention I feel that I deserve.
To the wondering lady: If a guy is in a hurry to get off the phone with you, he’s either obviously really busy with his family (they must be a blast?) or something is definitely up, whether he is cheating or just needs some time away from you. If there are other problems in your relationship, maybe he uses the weekend as time to get away and sort out his thoughts. Maybe he needs more space? Good luck though, I know how terrible it feels to have those kinds of suspicions!
It’s a bit early on in the relationship to ask to go along with him to meet the fam…seems like her only option is to tell him how she feels. Any reasonable person would understand. If he gets angry, i’d say her instincts were right all along!
I disagree Gem. Someone might get well get angry at their 2-month girlfriend confronting them with accusations of infidelity. It’s placing a huge trust issue on the table, and way too early – if 2 months is too soon to visit the family, it’s definitely too soon for having “that kind” of talk, especially if both parties are young.
Original writer – He wants to hang up the phone early? Maybe his family runs a business and his mum growls him if he’s on the line too long – and what young man wants to be growled in the hearing of their new love? Not cool. Everyone that knows him says he’s a player? Are you going to run your life based on the rumour mill or give the guy a chance and take the risk of finding out yourself – or finding out he’s actually been unfairly treated and is a great guy!
And how do you get opinions from “everybody who knows him” anyways???? If you’ve been doing that kind of background check and you’ve only been with the guy for 2 months (and after more than a decade with my wonderful partner that sounds like the blink of an eye…) then it definitely seems to me that you’re looking for problems.
I tend to agree with Aurea – you should sort out where your own feelings are coming from, and then confront him if and when you’re more sure there’s something to confront on.
I wish people would realise trust is something to be given as much as it is to be earned. If you can’t trust the guy… don’t and move on. But don’t make it about him, acknowledge you play a big role in that situation.
i say just ask to go along. if he is so close to his family, he wouldnt be shy or embarrassed to introduce you to them. its the easiest way to tell. even if you are there and he doesnt “see” the other girl, you can tell the intention of why he is really there. and if his grandmother is really sick, then yay, you made the effort to visit. if he runs a family business then hey, you are getting to know him more. and if he puts of the weekend and decides not to go, you know you have a problem on your hands. trust yourself.
Gala’s right. Trust your instincts. That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach means that he’s lying.
This sounds all too familiar. EXTACT Same thing was happening to my friend a while back. Turned out in the end the guy and his family were Johobo Witnesses and thats why he went home every weekend to go to church. He was embarrassed to tell her straight away as he wasnt sure how she would react.
Well i did have the same problem but now i dont now if he still wants to get with exex gf??Because she still likes him a whole lot but i hate her so much and he says that he hates her more then i hate her and he wants to be with me forever…What should i do?
my boyfriend and i have been off and on 2 years now.we tryed seeing other people but always ended back with each other.when we had boy/girlfriends we always talked and saw each other.now we’re the best we’ve ever been and dating again.i think he’s true to me but he’s just to good to be true now.he’s cheated before but everything is better.i just hav this funny feeling he’s lieing to me on where hes going and staying true. what should i do?
i am so confused my boyfriend has had a pretty bad reputation undercover…. he cheated on most his girlfriends, he cheated on one of them with me. he cheated on me once but he told me that same night. we have been dating for 2 years and i still cant get over it.
today he went out to eat with 2 girls and some guy friends..my sister saw him and he saw that she saw him. he told me that next class. i got so mad at him he knows i have problems trusting him and he still did it. my sister told me she saw him and her in his truck and she was sitting right next to him…by themselves. i know it sounds immature but i dont know what to do…..pls help me asap!!!!
i think my boyfriend is cheating on me he keeps on getting text messages from girls saying they love him and other stuff and they keep on calling him. Can u pls help me i dont understand whats going on. thank u