Jealousy Is The Killer Of GIRL LOVE
[ 18 March 2009 ]
“Being a sexy & powerful female is one of the most subversive projects of all. (We are the priestesses of a new kind of power oh yeah.) We know we are not like this due to any weird gene formation or luck or trick. We are how we are from working together with our eyes open & having experiences & getting help from our moms & friends. We vow to struggle against the “j” word (jealousy) the killer of GIRL LOVE. We are not special, anyone can do it. ENCOURAGEMENT IN THE FACE OF INSECURITY is a slogan of the revolution.” (Introduction from Bikini Kill: A Color + Activity Book // source)
Why do girls dislike other girls — or find it almost impossible to make a female friend that they can stick to for a while? Well, let’s test something out. Raise your hand if you have ever thought any of the following things.
She’s so much prettier than me. I wish I had thighs like that. Why is her complexion so flawless? Man, she’s so outgoing. She seems really popular. I bet she never feels lonely like I do. I never know what to say & she always has the perfect comeback. So many guys like her. Why doesn’t anyone look at me like that? How come I never get any attention the way she does? How come she doesn’t have to work as hard as I do? Why does everything seem to happen so easily for her? She is so beautiful. I wonder if she’s had surgery. I bet she has an eating disorder. What’s her flaw? Why does he like her & not me? Why does she always get invited out & not me? She’s so talented. I can’t do anything as well as she can. How can she live a lifestyle like that? I bet some dude pays for everything. How come I don’t have that arrangement? I hate her. I hate myself. Why do I suck so much?
...Yeah, me too. So what do the sentences above have in common?
They all involve competition or us comparing ourselves to someone else
They always assume that we come up short, or as the “loser”
They all invalidate us
They assume that we know the full story
They all have jealousy as a root cause
As the old cliché goes, the grass is always greener, & it’s easy to look at someone else’s life & feel like you don’t measure up — or to assume that their life is perfect, flawless, a field of daisies at all times. No one’s life is perfect, which is not to say that we shouldn’t do our best to improve ourselves, but it’s worth remembering. Everyone has their own pain, no matter how beautiful, wealthy, famous or talented they are — & everyone gets jealous sometimes! You are not a weird freak. I promise.
So many of us are raised to believe that other women are competition, that we are locked into a constant game of who-is-prettier, who-can-get-the-dude, who-has-a-better-job, who-can-lose-their-baby-weight-fastest, etc., & IT IS ALL NONSENSE. WHO CARES. IT IS NOT IMPORTANT. Trust me on that one. Sure, you can indulge in that if you want, but there is always going to be someone hotter, faster, smarter, more cunning than you. Those victories — the Prettiest Girl Cup, the Bilionaire-Boning Medal, the Well-Paid Wonderwoman Triathlon — if you ever have them, are short-lived & empty, because then you actually have to get on with living your life, & truthfully, no one is really watching you anyway. They are too concerned with their own thing. Stop living your life for an imaginary audience & make yourself happy!
One thing I’ve noticed over the last few years is that if you’re really happy with yourself & your life, or if you become that way after years of self-loathing or misery, the way that you interact with other people & the world around you completely changes. For example, a few years ago I disliked humanity so much that I would practically go around daring people to prove my assumptions right. I think I probably had a laundry list of people I hated. I would meet up with my friends & we would gossip & talk shit about the people we had met who had managed to evoke our ire (not a difficult task at the time, I was really looking for any excuse to be pissed off). I loathed my job(s). All my friends hated their jobs too. I felt stuck, I had very low self-esteem, & my only friends were really people I drank with on the weekends. It never ran any deeper than that, which I resented, too. I would read the blogs of people I disliked & leave scathing anonymous comments. I complained about everything. Long story short, I was an epic drag to be around.
So how did I manage to flip my perspective on girl friendships? I don’t have a step-by-step for you, unfortunately, but even if I did, we all have our own processes. It seemed like it just happened, but really it didn’t. It was an unexpected bonus of having done so much work on myself. If you think of your beliefs & values, all that stuff that makes you you, & envision it as a big rug, well, I had been hanging that rug outside for two years, beating it mercilessly to make room for new stuff in my life. I had been using EFT & healing techniques & combing over all my beliefs, deciding to change all the things which didn’t serve me any more. It probably had something to do with the fact that now I felt like I was worthy of having real friends, too. So one day, I woke up & realised I had a bunch of really incredible female friends. Bonus.
Similar to the way in which if you’re happy with yourself & your life, you don’t trawl the internet being nasty, if you’re happy & have good self-esteem, you don’t view other girls as competition any more either. As with anything, when you notice a problematic pattern which keeps repeating itself, it’s time to look at what you’re doing to contribute to it. After all, the only constant is you…
One thing that can be useful is to grab a pen & paper & write down the exact reasons why you’re jealous of this girl or that one. Be really honest. Even if the reason is something totally shallow like, “Her thighs don’t touch & mine do”. Put it down. THEN, & here’s the key, look at that thing & work out why you place so much value on it. Think about your life & where this belief that that particular thing is important came from. If you don’t like Meredith because she gets attention from guys wherever she goes, work out why you feel like you need that. Did you always want love you never got from your father or some other male role model? Consider these things & process them. Often when you dissect it down to the bare bones, you’ll realise that it’s actually kind of a nothing reason, just something you have an emotional attachment to or involvement with. Knowing yourself is important — it’s powerful. You can then take that information & let go of it however you want: meditation, EFT, rituals, or just deciding that it doesn’t serve you any more & letting it go.
When you’re happy with who you are & you feel a lot of love in your everyday life, which, by the way — if it isn’t a reality for you already — is totally possible & achievable, it’s much easier to turn those little snarls of jealousy into something positive. For example, I used to feel really threatened by beautiful girls, & sometimes I still am. I have a teeny tiny freak-out in my head, like, “Man, if I’m standing around with them, I am totally going to be the ugly friend...”, but then I take a deep breath, & I let it go. I spin it around, & remember how much I love them as people, how much fun it is to look at them across a table, & what great additions they make to photos!
I suppose if my super-pretty friends acted like super-turds, it would he harder to flip my view, so maybe that’s something to keep in mind! Hunt out people who are fun, pleasant & act with integrity! They’re much more likeable by default & you won’t be constantly trying to dig up their positive attributes to balance out your jealousy about the shape of their eyes, size of their hips, number of active suitors, etc.
One of the keys to this whole thing is learning to appreciate other people for who they are. Van Gogh was probably a better painter than you are, but are you jealous of him? I doubt it. It’s much more likely that you think he’s brilliant, & if you ever got to hang out with him, you’d tell him how much you liked his work, & maybe you’d try to learn something from him. I think we need to approach friendships the same way. Be incredulous & impressed & unattached. Other people feel like that about you too, you know.
Another thing to bear in mind is that you can build really true, strong friendships if you shift your focus to the positive when you’re together. Instead of meeting up & plotting ways to destroy other people’s relationships — or whatever it is you do — talk about your goals for the future, describe who you’re in love with, speak about beautiful things. No truly happy girl is going to want to be friends with someone who talks badly about everyone they know. (I have met plenty of people in the last couple of years, which has been amazing, but even when it comes to good, well-intentioned people, if I notice that they gossip a lot or talk about other people all the time, I just don’t get that close to them…)
As for actually making friends, I strongly believe that once you have your attitude & beliefs about friendships lined up, it will just happen. But if you want some clues, here are mine: Make yourself available to people (but don’t harass anyone). Be friendly. Smile. Ask questions. Make yourself useful. Help out. Laugh. Do adventurous things together — it bonds you more than just getting coffee, & gives you something to talk about later. Trust that it will all work out — the best friendships don’t require constant maintenance or fretting! & if something amazing happens to your friend, don’t be afraid to say to them, “I’M SO JEALOUS!”. Being open about it & actually expressing that to them takes a lot of the weight off.
Don’t be intimidated by other women — we are here to help one another. We all want more friends, we all want cute phone-calls, we all want hugs & kisses & ridiculously fun photo opportunities. None of us are perfect, & that’s cool, & our preoccupations with our own flaws don’t have to control us.
Have you had to deal with jealousy in a friendship? What did you do about it?
Love & love & love,
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thanks gala!
needed this!
not enough time to spend worrying about being jealous.
xxxx
I can’t stand jealousy! I’m not a very jealous person, but I’ve been the target many times which is sad because jealousy is destructive and silly. It’s silly because you never really know what’s going on in someone’s life. I am lucky in many ways (my husband is definitely one of those!), but in other ways my life is far from perfect.
And I do feel like there’s more jealousy among women. Maybe that’s why I’ve never had many girl friends. And what girl friendships I’ve had, many of them ended because of jealousy which really hurt, especially because I felt like I was so generous with them.
for me, it’s not so much my jealousy that makes it hard for me to keep female friends but the gossip and cattiness. sometimes i find i am just more accepted around guy friends, and they don’t talk about me behind my back the way that girls have. also i feel that sometimes when people are jealous of you, or think your life is perfect or more than what it really is, that when things go bad in your life, they like knowing about it because they secretly feel good that you are not happy or have everything. and i just don’t like that. :(
True true sentiment right there – jealously is a huge issue for us ladies – it depends on the extent, like with most issues, I’ll talk it out straight up… if it gets too overwhelming & too often felt, I’ll reassess the jealous persons place in my life.. harsh but you really do not need toxic friends dragging you down.
Jealousy is such a waste of time but so natural.
Whenever, i get jealous I just try to think of the great things in my life and remember that i am only seeing her outsides not the insides.
Thank you so much for posting this.. I feel like I have a really hard time making close female friends, and I have had really negative, horrid problems working in all-female environments. I’m now going to work on what I can change to make these situations better!
Thanks!!!!
Wow…this is amazing.
There have been so many times when I’ve been jealous of a friend, and it’s killed a lot of my friendships. But I’m definitely working on being more positive, and since then my life has changed EXPONENTIALLY! I used to rip people apart and backstab because I thought everything else I wanted to talk about was boring and that people wouldn’t like me unless I was exciting. But I have found out that that is so wrong…
Thanks for this article Gala.
You are such an amazing person and an inspiration to us all!
All the love in the UNIVERSE, Nina
Gala,
This article is perfect. It opened my eyes to a lot of things I have dealt with in my life. I really feel like every girl out there should read this. Required reading! haha for being a girl in this world. Thanks!!
I feel like there’s a lot more jealousy, dismissive-ness, underlying ill will, or general cattiness coming FROM girls, rather than me holding some ill-will towards girls; which is part of why I’m hesitant to want to involve many girls into my life. In my head, I’m thinking, “We’re adults, now, so why the bitch factor?” Advice?
I love this article – it’s univeral, really. I often feel like the “ugly friend” and hopefully, I’ll stop after reading this. Thanks!
This is such an amazing article and you’re the only person who could’ve written it out like this! Reading this makes me so glad that I know you. I think that if you’re busy living your life and you love what you do, there’s no time to be jealous. Spending the weekend with you and Jazzi in LA reminded me of how much I adore my girl friends!
Totally great article :) I really love this one. Kudos!! Very smart advice.
This is really great. I think it’s almost enough to know that we can all feel the same way sometimes!
Thank you!
x
Jealousy is such a waste of time. I get along so much better with women who don’t play the competitive jealousy game.
A sideline of the “jealousy” is always the talking behind your back and cattiness that women can fall into about their friends. Sometimes it is connected…other times it is not. Either way it sucks.
Both jealousy and the cattiness are so boring and silly. When women react that way toward me..I cut them out of my social circle because it never ends well if I keep them around in my life.
I wish women would not do this sort of thing, jealousy. It is bad for their social life and mental health.
I loved this article. It makes me proud to be a friend of my fabulous girl friends that I love with all my heart! I don’t know where I’d be without them :)
Totally want to sing ‘Sisters are doing it for themselves’ now…!
Damn, this was a great post! Very well written and clear about ways to deal with the underlying stuff to get the results in your life that you want.
I think it can take some time after high school to get over the cattiness of girls if you were routinely harassed and rejected by them, ‘specially in a small school where you can feel alienated from everyone and locked into a space with no way to get out. I know a lot of my negative feelings towards girls stemmed from this. Having a falling-out with my closest girl friend from high school also made me not trust girls for awhile and steer away from getting too close to any potential new friends.
I know what you mean about the overnight shift when it comes to making new friends. It’s like everything you’ve been working out in your brain finally clicks over onto the other side. Once I let go of the NEED and the pressure to make girl friends (because my life felt pretty empty and weird without any), and got confident enough to do more things on my own or at the spur of the moment with a random person I met, all of a sudden I met all these rad chicks who like doing the same stuff I do and are confident in themselves BY themselves too!
This is kinda goofy, but when it comes to girls and the beauty contest crap, I think about Fafi’s artwork. She illustrates all these beautiful fantasy cartoon girls, and they all look so different and are beautiful in their own unique way. But regardless of whether they are drawn super curvy with luscious lips and big hair, or wiry, smiling, and playful, they all have this air of confidence about them. That’s what it’s about. Not being the “prettiest” (totally subjective and a matter of taste), but working with what you have and rocking it as hard as you can!
One of the absolute best articles you have written yet. I agree 100% with this, as I too went through a transformation. Thank you for existing Gala!
Great article! I used to not really care or be bothered with jealousy, but as I grew older I think insecurity drove me to feel threatened by other women.
This was a nice reminder that not everyone is perfect & that you can’t let negative feelings mess up the bonds that you could create.
Lots of lalalalove Sweet Gala!
This is bizarrely timely! Last week, I was at a party and realized I was miserable and everyone else was having fun. I couldn’t figure out why that was.
The next day at work, it just hit me, I felt it and it made complete sense: I was just filled with hate and self loathing. Ever since then, I’ve been working on purging it out of my system and everything has been so much better.
I know what you mean about not being able to explain it; it goes off like a switch.
I really appreciated this article today, Gala. It seems like so many women are in a competition with one another…be it on a dancefloor, on a job site, or in school…and its totally rediculous!
Like my wise mom always says, “Woman need to support each other and have a true sisterhood like we did in the 60’s. We worked so hard for it, and girls these days forget that!”
So much of it stems from jelousy. If more woman had high self-esteem and confidence, then we would no longer be hating on each other.
Cheers ladies ;)Truth! I worked hard on myself until one day I realized that 1) I [mostly] stopped responding to negativity with negativity and 2) I no longer kept up with the girls who treated me worse than I would’ve ever treated myself. Worth all the self-change and more.
Great article :)
Jealousy is so silly when you look at it critically. So you may be jealous of that girl’s great legs, but that girl is a girl like any other who is probably jealous of this girls figure and so on… No-one is perfect, but if you can be happy in yourself it doesn’t seem to matter so much :)
I used to be jealous of my older sister {ten years older!}, I thought that everything for her was amazing and brilliant – then I came home from school one day and she was crying on her own because she and her boyfriend were going through a bad time. It was like a slap in the face, and I haven’t paid one bit of attention to jealousy or envy {other than shoe envy!} since!
By the way, I’m madly (*MADLY*) in love with Van Gough.
Thanks for this gala its so spot on!
I have come round circle in a similar way to you. But probably over a slightly shorter period(the last 12 months?)
After dealing with anxiety for 15 years (probably the cause for my jealousy/always bitching) I am now a confident happy person.
I have a handful of AMAZING girlfriends who would do anything for me – and I would truly stare torture in the face for them.
I think it is almost all to do with the attitude you choose to have. You can never expect to have cute girlfriends who compliment you if you can’t be that girlfriend for anyone else.
Life is fab
wow thank you so much!
this jealousy thing has been kicking up BAD lately!
now i’m going to try and get back on track!
whew!
:D
I blame our patriarchal society. Haha. Seriously though.
It’s good to be reminded that everyone is prone to a bit of jealousy now and then!
And you’re right, actually telling someone when you are jealous of them is a great way to get over it.
mad props gala, for writing so intelligently about such an important topic!
i think it would improve our culture so much if more females could put down their jealousy and learn to be truly supportive of each other.
Great job. Great advice.
I’ve learned/am learning that being jealous or making comparisons is being combative only with yourself.
Very well said. I’m ever so guilty of feeling this way myself. For me, being a female photographer gets tricky when you’re constantly surrounded by the attention-getting bombshells.
I have discovered however, that sometimes the roles are reversible and that whilst I’m thinking these thoughts about someone or many someone’s, there are times where they are thinking the same things of me. I envy her for being so tall and witty, she envies me for being so curvy and pale.
The jealous, self-conscience bit is a tough habit to break, I battle it everyday but I found great help in this post.
Merci Ms. Insightful. ;)
Thanks Gala!
This is EXACTLY what I needed today. Your writing is so beautiful and honest.
I really missed posts like these. I’m glad to see you write them again, it made me feel better about my life.
I wish I had read this first thing in the morning, before I decided that today I was “totally unfit for human contact” XD
This pettie back stabbing game is the reason I never get close with girls. Sure I feel jealous sometimes but as you said I just let it go and thing about the cool things about me ;)
The girls who decided to take it out by bitching or whatever other nastiness give me the shits. BIG TIME. It’s a sure sign of insecurity and totally unattractive. I avoid it like the plauge!
To combat this me and my best mate play games where we comment on the GOOD things about people as they walk past, rather than the bitching most will do.
Im no saint but i try to make concious decisions about the way I deal with insecrities. I think your advice about being up front with the jealousy is good! You might find there’s something they admire about you also which helps difuse the tension that jealousy can cause.
A perfectly timed article. I’ve recently been having some issues with “frien-emies”, and it makes me a bit sad. Seeing all these smart, beautiful women become bitter and jealous (over god knows what) and letting it bring them down. I admire my friends for who they are, and when they are being their true selves rather than falling into the trap of trying to imitate to fit in. It seems when that path is followed it only serves to make people more unhappy as they are trying to measure up to a standard that is not innately theirs.
Not knowing the full story or projecting your insecurities onto others, seems to be a big kicker for so many women I come across. So how do we get women to treat each other fairly and honestly, to stop competing and start inspiring? Gala – a global campaign is needed! (perhaps with matching t-shirts or secret tattoos) ;)
I was in such a horrible mood today, but after reading this I feel so much better!!
This sentence is SO TRUE:
“Stop living your life for an imaginary audience & make yourself happy!”
I realized I’ve been doing that my entire life, and NOW’S the time to CHANGE it!!
Gala, great post and while I do agree that it is about finding contentment, value, satisfaction within yourself and then it would mean that I wouldn’t feel competitive towards someone with better clothes, boyfriend, life, salary …
I have learnt to surround myself with people I love and trust, who I can voice my insecurities to and they accept my flaws. No judgement. I have far fewer ‘friends’ than I used to have but those people were not real friends to me.
I am always going to have bad days, spurts of jealousy, I mean I try to keep up with the trends, the fashions, the good bars, life and there is an element in looking amazing, thin, having a hot guy on your arm.
But I have found that I need those things less and less, I am 33, comfortable, I am surrounded by people who love me and in a way I’ve stopped worrying about looks, popularity and started watching DVDs instead!
When I do have those moments, I accept them and try to look at what really concerns me, being single? wanting a new coat? Staying home too much? Rather than envying someone else’s … whatever.
My new theory is stop living in the sidelines, observing … partipate. It will never be black and white and simple answers.
But do have a few friends who absolutely love and trsut you … best thing I ever got.
Gala, I love you. I totally needed this today.
“Stop living your life for an imaginary audience & make yourself happy!”
Can I get a recording that says that in your voice before I do something completely stupid? Because it needs to happen.
Oh my goodness! This is such a problem for me! Agreed on the “teeny tiny freak out, now I’ll be the ugly (fat for me) friend” I hate jealousy, of other girls looks, but, worst of all, their personalities. I can hardly speak to guys (even good friends) if another girl is around. I just feel too inferior, like I don’t even deserve to speak.
It’s got to stop. I need to stop my compare-and-contrast (too much english class!) lifestyle and just be me. Others may do the judging.
Thanks so much Gala!! I’ve always felt friendships with girls would always be jeopardized by jealousy, now I know that it is possible just to enjoy people for who they are by being who I am and totally pwning it!
This is such a beautiful article, Gala, thank you! I used to have such a hard time having female friends because of jealousy, but as soon as I got over my insecurities, I realized I had nothing to be jealous of, and the problem went away. Reading your site helped a lot, and also just accepting people and myself rather than obsessing over how much of a loser I was in comparison to other girls.. I was only making myself feel worse by thinking that way!
I 100% agree and I think, on top of that, the best way not to be jealous is to find something in your own life that you’re passionate about – art or writing or a field of study or anything, really, something that’s all yours and that you love and which adds to you as a person.
what a great article. just what i needed. i like how you identified jealousy as the root of the problem in such a straightforward manner, because you’re totally right yet it is so difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that yes i do get jealous sometimes. i guess it’s hard for us to view ourselves in that ugly light.
i love the tips you gave about being positive and focusing on the future and things you love in conversations, definitely going to take that on.
♥
Thank you, I needed this.
I’m in a class that somehow only women signed up for, in a very competitive program(pastry chef training) and no one ever has anything good to say about anyone else. Even attempts at compliments fail because of a thin veil of barely disguised contempt for your success. It’s so hard to get everyone to just be happy about each others work and not be snarky and sneaking around gossiping about how some girl is messing up her work.
I’m going to try from henceforth to be a good example.
Great article…and so true! You are an inspiration to us all with how you decided to change and then did.
I think it’s important to remember that patriarchy is largely manifested in the competitiveness between women. If we’re too busy being petty, competitive, etc. with other women, we’re not fighting for equality, for equal pay for equal work, etc.
Fantastic and inspiring post as always, incredibly well written and thought out :)
A print out of this article should be mailed to EVERY girl! Amazing & sound advice.
“If you don’t like Meredith because she gets attention from guys wherever she goes, work out why you feel like you need that.” heehee! I wish… But seriously, Gala, I needed this post, so thanks. :)
ELF is a great way to deal with jealousy and all resulting problems. Fast, efficient and very deep; it is the #1 tool in my arsenal to take care of pretty much everything.
Great post, G!
My problem with making female friendships is that I find it hard to trust girls.
Examples:
One friend actually planned my birthday party, got a gift, then sent it via one of my guy friends and then never showed up. Then didn’t answer my phone calls for 3 months and one day randomly sent me a myspace message saying that she missed me.
Another “friend” thinks I’m not supportive of her wedding because I haven’t spent every hour talking to her about it and she got her fiance involved when I told her to focus on her college work instead of a wedding that is a year away. Especially when she was trying to talk me into completing her assignments cause she was too busy reading about wedding arrangements! And I wasn’t “researching” enough so now I’m not the maid of honour! (Thank goodness.)
I’m not as jealous of girls as I am afraid of their behavior!
EFT, not ELF! Good grief, I’m so tired I can’t type or read. Sorry!
Thanks Gala!
I really needed this, i have been going through so much with the whole self loathing thing. Today, especially, everything seemed to just hit me in the face. For some reason the goal i have been loathing just kept popping in my head and being brought up. Im going to do what you suggested and write this all down, you are such an inspiration!
Wow. This post speaks to me!
I’ve never lost female friendships due to my insecurities; instead it’s always my romantic relationships with guys that take a beating…( “Stop perving on my friends!” “I bet you wish i looked more like her” etc. etc. blah blah blah)For some bizarre reason, I ALWAYS seem to form friendships with really gorgeous girls. And despite the fact that I generally feel “inferior” to them in the looks department, I do my utmost not to push that onto them, as they are wonderful girls (I wouldn’t hang out with them if they weren’t!), and it’s not their fault they were scooped from the hotter end of the genepool! Also, just because they are attractive, doesn’t mean that they think they are; many of my “hot” friends are just as insecure as I am a lot of the time.
Plus, there is always the flipside of the coin- I met a girl once who was so stunning, that I couldn’t help but blurt out “My god, you’re so pretty!”. She thanked me, but she looked sad, and said, “ I’m actually sick of people telling me I’m pretty…. Nobody cares who I am.”. That really opened my eyes. She felt UNDERvalued, because of her looks. She wanted people to see past the exterior to the person she was inside.
Unfortunately, we live in a society that does tend to place a lot of importance on the superficial qualities of a person, whilst often ignoring other, more meaningful attributes like intelligence, personality, and talent. So, sometimes, when we’re feeling a bit defeated by it all,jealousy gets the better of us.
I must admit though, that many a time when I’ve been out on the town with my “hot” friends, I’m the one getting all the offers! It’s bizarre.It should be a compliment, but still, my negative, self deprecating side tells me “ it’s because they’re just too scared to hit on your friends, so they’re opting for the ‘consolation prize’ “ sigh. When in actual fact, MAYBE, just maybe, my own views on what is “attractive” may NOT be scripture,and there are guys out there that actually dig kooky girls with fairyfloss pink hair and ridiculous dance moves.
Great post Gala!
Sometimes I wonder if you’re reading my mind.
I really appreciate you posting this. In the past, I’ve lived my life and done my own thing and cut out people (women and men) who attempted to drag me into this whole competitive/jealous game of pure hatred.
Now I’m stuck in an environment where this type of behavior seems to be encouraged in order to get ahead and I find myself slipping or almost slipping into this type of behavior all the time. The worst part of it is…I’ve tried to set an example only to be shot down and left disappointed.
I’ve decided that it’s best for me to get out of this environment, cut ties with toxic people, and start over.
Thanks for posting this. It really helped especially when I’ve been sitting here wondering what is wrong with women and their approach at “friendship” these days.
wow… it cracks me up to think of you as self-loathing and mad at the world. I think that’s a phase that many people go through though. i did too in high school, how frightening!
I really tried to make it a goal to be more positive about other girls and about myself, of course. I even catch myself sometimes saying something catty about how a girls shirt doesn’t fit. But we’re not all saints….
What I want to know is how to deal with a friend’s jealousy. A good friend of mine has recently started acting weird. getting jealous of me hanging out with a boy she has a crush on, blowing me off. i feel like she resents me because boys notice me more than her – or she thinks they do. She never used to act this way!
Oh I think you’ve nailed something I’ve learned to do recently, which is to find the things I admire in other people and instead of making it a competition, to see if I can absorb what it is I find some appealing about that person and work on that part of myself!
That’s not to say I copy someone’s mode of dress or set of hobbies, but more, abstract sorts of things. So if I find a girl particularly well-polished, I think about what I can do, in my own style, to be better polished myself, like taking better care of my skin or venturing into the world of makeup now and again. It’s a wondrous way to turn what would be jealousy into positivity, and has made my life a thousand times easier (and more fulfilling) to live.
Awesome post, Gala. It’s hard to believe you were such a different person just a few years ago, but it just goes to show that if you can transform into the inspiring bundle of light you are now, we all can.
Amen sister!
I loved hearing the word unattached…I think that is key to fulfilling ANY relationship. Thanks!
Thanks so much Gala! This was genius, and so so so so so relevant to pretty much every girl who has ever lived.
This blog (and by extension, the outlook on life you portray it) has had such an immense effect on my happiness & self-belief – if I hadn’t seen the transformation myself, I would hardly have believed it.
From making a conscious decision to stop talking negatively about other people to ditching all the friends who dead keen on bringing me down, you have inspired and supported (albeit unknowingly) my miraculous transformation. I now grin like a Cheshire cat, for absolutely no reason at all, as I walk down the street.
(Also, thanks for the articles of late! I missed their absence, and have thoroughly enjoyed their return!)
Thanks a lot for this one. I really needed it at this time, it’s been rough dealing with drama about this stuff lately :\
This made me feel better. Thanks again!
it’s frustrating that so many girls in here are saying “well i’m not jealous.. it’s just that other girls are catty and annoying!”
ladies… look at how many of us are saying that sort of thing… think about it. applying stereotypes like this to our own gender is just sad and sexist. boys can also be catty, gossipy, immature, and bad friends… it’s certainly not exclusive to women.
and let’s face it – if we really think boys never talk about girls behind their backs – we are KIDDING ourselves. there’s plenty of things that a lot of guys will talk about when girls aren’t around – and it’s not very nice.
Thank you so much for this. I truly needed this right now. I’m ready to change my perspective on life, the world, everything. Thank you again. :)
Billionaire boning medal. You crack me up, girl.
This was a fantastic post – I really enjoyed reading it! I think you’ve got some great thoughts on this, and you are in such a position to help women get over this particular brand of insecurity. I sure appreciate it :)
This hit me right at the crux of trying to get over being so competitive. I’m subtly vindictive around even my closest friends, to the point that I’ll try to diminish their achievements by allowing my response to betray that I don’t take them that seriously, or that I don’t think their successes are a big deal. It’s disgusting, and it’s a habit, and even though I tell myself that there’s no way for me to be better than them at everything, it keeps coming back. I hate that even logic can’t change the way I act. I really, really want to be open and to love people freely because I know it would make me happier, I just don’t know how.
Thank you Gala for writing this post! It is definitely true that we all have our own ways of going about things, but I still do really appreciate your take on things, and that you gave us one of your own personal examples of what you used to do, and what you do now.
I don’t think I am the worst person at making female friends, but I was in need of a boost and some level-headed advice, and this is it :) I do notice that when I am happier with my life, and freely give happy, honest comments to girl friends about what I like about them or how beautiful they look/are, the love is reciprocated in plentiful amounts! It ties us together and makes everyone happier. (And then I feel comfortable being open and expressive about positive attributes in guys also—without feeling like I’m coming on to them. Double win!)
To be honest though, I never really felt I needed to have a strong sense of female friendships, or to feel like I was part of some sort of collective of really unified women, until after I went through my first heart break with my first boyfriend/love ever. I’m glad I’m more able to appreciate other women now though :)
Jealousy killed my last close female friendship. I haven’t had another one since. I convinced myself that she was the embodiment of everything good, and I was the embodiment of everything bad. It got to the point where I couldn’t even enjoy watching a movie with her, because if I saw her profile against the screen my immediate and only thought would be “If I had a nose like that, I would be happy.”
Admittedly there were many other factors – we were both going through deep depressions at the time of our split (her nose did not keep her happy!), I told her I liked girls as well as boys and it weirded her out, I had a new boyfriend I was spending probably too much time with…but the jealousy was rampant and certainly didn’t help matters.
I’ve learned from that experience, though, and I’m slowly but steadily working on being a more self-assured person, and therefore a better friend.
Your Van Gogh analogy doesn’t quite work for me, being a painter and all. I’m horribly jealous of Vinny! Your point is well taken, though :)
Adorable post, Miss Gala!
I’m don’t really get jealous of girls very much anymore, but I do admire my friends. They are more like inspiration than competition. I dont know how to explain it… if I think a girl is above-amazing in some way I might drop them a complement but I dont feel like I need to be like them.
I just remembered being on the recieving end of jealousy once from an ex-friend. I didn’t even realise I was ‘getting attention’ from a guy and she wasn’t (I wasnt really looking for attention..) and she said it was because I was skinnier than her. It came out of no where, I didn’t know what to say and it sure made me feel like crap!! Its so shallow and mean and disgusting just to think about. When did insults become the new complement?
But… I do tend to get jealous of my guy friends. I take being seen as inferior in comparison to them much worse. It just depends on my mood I guess, sometimes I’ll take my boyfriend or friend offering to pay, lifting something heavy, opening doors ect. as just a cute friendly thing but sometimes I might feel defensive and make sure to do something equal-or-greater for them. I know its silly for me to feel like that, but I can’t help it. I’m more willing to accept help from a woman than a man, sometimes. Its rediculous. :/
They always assume that we come up short, or as the “loser”
This really hit me. I love this whole entry, it was good for mah soul.
Thankyou so much Gala. You’re so right. As usual.
My three besties in the universe are all tiny. They are all very beautiful- long, lucious brown hair, beautiful bodies, great skin, amazing personalities … I am the ‘big friend’. I hate that I’m jealous of them. It’s so unfair. I love them to death but I don’t even like going out for dinner when I know it’s going to be the four of us. I always feel bad about myself when I get home.
Why do girls do this to themselves? It’s so silly. I just can’t help comparing myself to others. I’m even jealous of YOU, Gala, and the fact that you can wear high heels and shorts! Lol. You’re right, it does feel better to say it out loud :P
wow I think everybody in the entire world should read this.
I liked this article very, very much. It’s so true, being jealous just keeps us from growing, it just makes us smaller.
And it is really a drag to be around people who are always so competitive,
and so unkind, trying to bring you down.
I have a friend who is a lot like this but I’ve learned a to ignore it and it doesn’t affect me anymore, but i have also tried very hard not to be like that….and I honestly, I’m a lot happier this way.
Amazing in tear jerking action! thank you for invoking such a complicated subject you wrote perfectly you really made me cry and if you could do it and become the sparkly girl today maybe i have a chance to get over my self conflict and begin love myself too
thank you gala for opening my eyes!!
this is a truly great post! kudos.
this was an amazing post because it really hit the nerve of many things which are so true!
i have more guy friends than girlfriends and for a while i started to question why it was so. i realised i avoided having girl friends because of competition, jealousy and gossip. but then i realise i do miss doing all those girly things like photowhoring, eating cute cupcakes & trying on millions of dresses. over the past 2 years i’ve rearranged my friends a lot and discovered who are the people i want to keep in my life. also i realised jealousy really doesn’t get people anywhere, like you said, it prevents us from growing really.
This is a tough one to get your head around. I’ve been working on this for quite some time now. I’ve had a few lightbulb moments over the years but it takes a lot of processing your thoughts, taking time and going easy on yourself.
I don’t think it matters what approach you take – as along as you find something that resonates with you. It’s all the same in the end. If anyone wants something to check out – I’m a fan of Taoism – it makes sense to me and how I see the world.
J xx
Thankyou so much Gala!
Last year I got so sick of feeling I was left out, not pretty, unloved all those things, I told myself- this sucks. What can I do today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life that will change this situation?
I focused on loving and respecting myself, my passions and like you said- you wake up one day and everything falls into place.
All the former friends that were making me crazy and I had to be so different for I got rid of.
I find time by myself being creative and doing what I love is something I really enjoy now. I have such a beautiful bunch of girlfriends! They love and cherish me for who am :)
XOXO
Wow, what a brilliant post. I’m not a very obssesive person and I don’t tend to get jealous but lately things have been going the other way, I really needed to hear about someone elses gear shift to turning things around for the better- thankyou <3
wow! i am often so self-conscious and jealous; hopefully i can try to stop that after reading this. i am so ready to do things for myself instead of being constantly paranoid!
Great article! I just recently read something that Ashe Mischief wrote on this which was also really wonderful!
I have found that the more I put my energy out (like actually picturing it – a swirly & gorgeous stream of light coming from my solar plexus to be precise!) the better I get along with everyone – a welcoming, happy, optimistic & joyful energy just draws people & helps me to not do my old ‘she’s so pretty blah blah blah’ crap. I am now just happy meeting new people & learning about them! I love it!
Thank you so much for this, Gala. I needed it. Major love!
I love it when you write these sorts of articles Gala – useful, practical advice that’s good for the soul. Please do keep them coming.
Brilliant article!
I always experience feelings of resentment and jealousy if an ex gets a new girlfriend, which is completely natural, but it takes me a LONG time to quit comparing myself to her and actually be happy for them. I end up feeling shit about myself and totally jealous – even if I’m completely over the ex boyfriend and have no desire to be with him again! Weird!
Good advice!
What a fantastic reminder about the ROOTS of jealousy.
Years ago, a dear friend lost a bunch of weight while I had gained. We’d lamented our squishy bodies together, and now that we were at opposite ends of the spectrum, things got awkward. I’d whine, and she’d tell me about her new healthy bod … and eventually I decided she was rubbing my nose in it, and ended the friendship. I now know that I was just plain jealous, and let it ruin a relationship that was positively precious to me. It was ME who was off kilter, not her.
Never again. Seriously.
I don’t know.. I don’t really tend to get jealous; I get kinda sad. Usually, when I see a girl who’s all creative and unique and fun, I realize how much I want to be her friend. I tend to gravitate towards girls who stand out and who draw happiness from their uniqueness. But I know I’m not worthy to be friends with girls like that. I’m not creative/cool/unique/fun enough for her, and chances are, if I think she’s cool, so do 2385728375 other people — and she totally has enough friends.
You can say that girls always want more friends and cute phone calls and stuff like that, but they want it from people that they see on par with them — not weird hangers-on like me. You can’t make yourself be the type of girl a that a girl like that wants to be friends with — in my opinion, you can only be yourself. And MYself is shy. So I fail. I can force the cute and happy out of me to try to be her friend, but like I said — chances are, she has enough friends and doesn’t want to be bothered with me. I don’t tend to think negatively like this all the time, but this has proven to be resoundingly true to me over time.
Another great post!
I used to have great girlfriends. I never really got jealous of any girls unless they were trying to hit on my guy or something… but when I turned 19 and moved to NJ, a lot changed. Girls are a lot more superficial here than in VA. So I started to work out and take better care of myself. Only then did I start to realize that I was still getting weird, dirty looks from girls. Its a little intimidating and hard to be open to girls who look like they want to devour you.
Gay men are the same way. Always very jealous and competitive with one another. I hate the way I am made to feel by the scrutiny of other gay men. I always thought that since we have so much to fight for, that we should band together as friends, not as enemies.
This is why I have only one gay male friend. My friends are made up mostly of straight women.
lifeissweet2.blogspot.com/
letthemeatcupcakes2.blogspot.c…
It’s so true!
I get jealous of people very easily – I can easily reel off a list of people I wish I was. Some are friends, some are acquaintances, some I’ve never met and some are fictional!
Lately I’ve been trying to stop feeling jealous but I can’t when ultimately..I hate myself. Yep, I said it. I. Hate. Myself. I wish I was interesting like everyone else – I’m just a short, fat, boring, ugly, freakish girl. You can probably tell I’m not too hot on who I am, huh?
I’m not sure how to stop hating myself and start loving myself. Sometimes I try and change what I hate about myself but if I succeed I start hating it again after a while, or I start looking at it from someone elses perspective and start worrying how people view me.
Can anyone help me? How can I stop worrying about what people think about me and change myself for me, not for anyone else? How can I love myself?
Ahh sorry for the essay and I guess I probably shouldn’t be asking a question on your post thing but never mind, sorry Gala x
I am not a very jealous person, naturally. But there was the ex of my boyfriend, who was much more thin etc. than me. After a while I found myself quite jealous of her (and I wondered why, previously I had no problems with people being ‘cuter’ ‘thinner’ ‘more outgoing’ etc.) I like myself as who I am. I started wondering why I was so jealous of her. Part of it, ofcourse, lies within me. But everytime I was with her she emphasized the fact that I was a bit chubby, that I didn’t have enough friends, etc. That talking made me feel unworthy and soon, I was very jealous indeed. (Needless to say, after I figured that out I talked about it with her, she said it was all my fault, then started a huge drama over it – while I talked to her in private, expressing my concerncs without attacking or blaming her (- I feel that, (this and this is your behaviour) – and it makes me feel (unwanted) – can you find yourself in this? Why do you do this?) After that, our friendship was over ^^
& @ kati
It’s good that you understand that the problem lies with yourself for a part. Loving yourself is not easy. The way I ‘learned’ it (I’ve been in a pretty similar situation) – I started listing one thing I loved of myself, each day. They can be as basic as you want. I really couldn’t think of anything at the start, and my weeks would look something like this
Monday (nothing)
Tuesday (nothing)
Wednesday (nothing)
etc.
But after a while, you can think of things that you are proud of, that you have done. The first thing I listed was “I called after a job I really wanted, to see if I would get it.” (I was very frightened of phonecalls) – I didn’t get the job but after a while I realised that I tried my hardest, and that was good too.
Besides that, being pretty isn’t about being on the cover of vogue magazine. Being pretty is about selfconfidence. Everyone is pretty in their own right (as corny as this may sound) – you might think you are ugly and freaky, but there is bound to be people who love you just as you are. Those are the persons you must value.
Besides that, it’s good to ask yourself questions. “Why do I put so much value in what other people think of me?” for instance. There’s bound to be people who do not like you – but does that really matter to you? I bet that for every one person that does not like you, there is 10 that do, even if it doesn’s seem that way always :) The key to getting out of these dips is focusing on the positive (this is where the list comes in again) – if you can read back on a week and find something positive for each day, that week doesn’t look so bad anymore. The start is, as always the hardest. But if you persevere the rewards will be great.
You can also write down your insecurities, and ask questions to yourself about it. For instance:
I always stand alone on parties and noone talks to me
(Why don’t I speak to other people? (Because I am scared, but maybe it is worth a try) Does my attitude reflect that I want to be talked to (No. I look very scared, and maybe even angry alone in that corner. – people think something is up, that’s why they leave me alone) etc. etc.
Some of this stuff takes a lot of courage, but it’s about removing the ‘bumps’ that keep you from doing stuff. (If you’re afraid to call people, try calling your mom first, you pretty much can’t do anything wrong with her. Same on speaking to people. Try talking to someone new that is a friend of a friend (so you can join the conversation via said friend) first, instead of walking to a random stranger at a party)
Hah, sorry for the long answer. Dunno if it was helpfull at all – I guess not. But I hope that you’ll soon realise that you’re a wonderfull person the way you are :)
Wow thank you Jann, that was definately helpful to me. The ‘removing the bumps’ idea is a really good idea because I do a lot of things like that (I’m also afraid of calling people unless I’m certain to get the person I’m trying to call – I never call my sister in case her husband picks up…)
Thank you again :) x
Jealousy definitely is the killer of girl love and as a riot grrl (yeah, I was a riot grrl and still am) it’s important to me to appreciate and encourage other women regardless. I’ve always had female friends and only once was I jealous of a friend. She was this Italian American beauty born in Alaska with these pretty eyes and a nice smile. Now that I think of it maybe it wasn’t jealousy but a little bit of lust. Anyhow, I’m going on a tangent.
Thanks for this Gala, I deffo needed to read this.
I have major jealousy issues sometimes, and although they have never affected my friendships because I always hide my jealousy, it really effects me and how I feel about myself because even though I don’t show it, the jealousy is still there inside.
Specifically, I get jealous of how much attention my friends get from guys. They are all georgeous and totally amazing, wonderful girls, so it is only right that they get attention, and a lot of the time I wouldn’t be interested in the guys who are attracted to them anyway (which makes the jealously all the more petty and stupid), but I still feel really sad sometimes that I don’t get that attention. I am very careful to never let them know that I feel this way as I wouldn’t want them to think I blame them in any way or to make them feel guilty for being awesome, but I really need to figure out a way to stop feeling bad, for my own self-esteem’s sake. I will really try to work on it.
amazing article gala. i think every girl out there can relate.
thank you so much for this gala. i’m definitely not a catty girl, but i find i can’t get close girl friends because of these issues i have against myself. it’s wonderful that you’ve wrote something that all your fans will benefit from!
“and let’s face it – if we really think boys never talk about girls behind their backs – we are KIDDING ourselves. there’s plenty of things that a lot of guys will talk about when girls aren’t around – and it’s not very nice.”
amen jenn!
I’m an engineering student, and some of the things men feel ok saying around me because I’m ‘one of the guys’ are really mean. I appreciated my girlfriends so much more after one summer at an Engineering firm!
I do get jealous though. Even when I’m really happy for one of my friends because something great is happening for them, inside I’m thinking ‘why isn’t that happening to me?’. But then, when I actually talk to them, I realise their life isn’t generally all sunshine and roses, and actually they usually really deserve the break they’re getting.
I think I need to print out ‘Stop living your life for an imaginary audience & make yourself happy!’ really big and stick it above my bed or something! It seems so easy when you say it, but it’s so hard to make it stick!
This is such an excellent post. This is such a sad but realistic struggle that women go through. But you offer up such great advice here, reminders and comfort. It is really bizarre, because (not to be creepy) but I had a dream last night where you came to visit me so that we could work on a project together. I got very flustered when introducing you to my friends and when I tried to start the project I found I could not type. You were of course very supportive and sweet about it, but still odd timing. I love it when things ‘sync’ for me and this post was a much needed one!! Your site is just the best!!
Wonderful post, thank you, thank you. It’s something which has been on my mind recently, I’ve been low and when I get low I get envious and mean in my head. It’s really something I’ve had to work on over the years but I’ve also been on the receiving end too many times to mention. School was a categorical nightmare so I have distanced myself from girls over the years.
I still find it hard to believe I’ll ever have great, strong female friendships even though it’s something I need and want very badly.
“Stop living your life for an imaginary audience & make yourself happy!”
YES!
i’m currently plagued with jealousy right now! i’m going to try the exercise you posted. i don’t like being this way, and am angry at myself for letting an insignificant thing, like looks, make me feel inadequate, as if all the hard work i’ve achieved this far is secondary because i’m not conventionally pretty. it also bothers me how society puts so much value on someone’s appearance. it’s hard to think otherwise though because it’s been implanted in my brain since childhood.
Soon, hopefully, the high-school staple of the girl fight will be a thing of the past.
I remember I used to have a friend, back in the low self-esteem days, who would always have to make it so she was the better person, no matter what we did. Any fights were automatically my fault.
Suffice to say I don’t speak to her much anymore.
Haha.
But I notice that if you’re cool with yourself, and you pick girls who are more on the tom-boy side of things, or who are level headed anyway, then there’s really no problems. ^^
This is an absolutely amazing, inspiring article; I adore it! Your writing is brilliant – it makes me feel instantly more positive about myself and my life, just by reading; whereas some self-help stuff I’ve come across doesn’t give the ‘accessible’ approach, and I sometimes finish it feeling worse. And obviously, when a piece of writing makes me feel optimistic, I’m far more likely to put its tips into practise!
this is made of so much awesome! thank you!!!
Sorry for the slightly late response, but I’ve been mulling over this article since I first read it, and I’ve been wondering if dealing with jealousy can be even more of a factor in online relationships. The internet allows us to present ourselves and our lives as as perfect as we like; I hope I’m not the only person who looks at style blogs or Flickr streams and thinks “she’s so gorgeous and confident, why can’t I be like that?”. When I get those thoughts, I just try to tell myself that there has to be a heck of a lot more to that person’s life than what they’re showing, and they probably don’t have quite as much confidence as they appear to… but the downside to that is, it can be easy to get locked into a more negative, bitchy way of thinking about that person. Striking a balance can be hard.
This article came at the perfect time.
Gala! I actually came onto the site just now because I realised how incredibly lonely I am and felt it was the right moment to find out what to do about it. Et voila, this article! I think I will be mulling over that process of self-discovery for a long time yet. I will do my best :)
And on jealousy, well, London is the coolest city ever but boy are there a lot of insecure people (like me) here. We need more Gala! :)
this is why liking girls (in the sack) is rad: when shit like this comes up, it’s because i’m acting like a fumbling teenage boy, not because i want to be like them. sigh.
however, i have been treated like extra shit by girls who are jealous. it sucks a lot.
I don’t have many close female friends right now. The majority of them are guys. The one female friend I did have I got jealous of in the beginning but that jealousy ended really fast because she’s so full of herself it was a turn off and I realized there was nothing to be jealous of there.
I currently just made friend with this girl who is tall, shapely yet thin, has long silky hair, and seemingly perfect skin. I am short, chubby, has hair that doesn’t grow, and has acne. Can I tell you how hard it is not to get jealous? I’m doing my best but I have my moments. Like how she was going to give me a sweater of hers that looks amazing on her but would fall over my lumps and look horrible on me. I know thinking that way doesn’t help matters so I try not to go there. At least I know I’m being irrational an stupid so it’s easier for me not to fall into that trap of being a miserable and jealous girl.
This is brilliant! I can’t stand being jealous, but I’ve never been THAT jealous over a friend of mine, just a few things here and there but to me that’s harmless. Being in a relationship and dealing with jealousy is a bit tough. The significant other and I are always getting into tidbits about this one girl we know, or atleast I do anyway. Before he got with me, he had said that he was interested in getting with her a year before we got together. She’s a very outgoing girl and all, but she’s not very bright. Sorry to say that, but I always get jealous whenever he brings her up, he can talk about any other girl and I will be fine, its just this one girl. I guess, I feel jealous because she has a great personality, and she’s hispanic like he is, and possibly because there was an attraction for her at one point. I don’t know, its really hard to deal with. I’m happy to be with him, very happy but when he brings her up jokingly, it brings such an unsettling feeling to my stomach. Makes me feel like I’m not in control of the situation. Its just very tough…
wow
I’ve only just found your site after being directed to this post from a different blog.
obviously from the huge number of comments this topic has touched many people and I’m a among the large number of them.
I often recognise myself being bitchy and catty and I worry about the amount of time I spend with my friends talking about other people. However as much as I can see my destructive behaviors, I rarely try to rectify the situation, it’s just so hard. Changing the way you were bought up to think about other people in general, and especially women, is a really difficult thing to do. If you’ve grown up listening to your mother and your friends and your society saying, “that girls arse is too big/ clothes are too ugly/ attitude is too crazy/life is too different” you develop a mindset that is very tricky to first identify and then change.
Articles like this one have helped me recognise the negativity I generate all the time in comparing myself to other women and putting them down because of my jealous need to feel better than them.
In short, thank you so much for posting this article, people like you are so necessary in this world.
You may have just changed my life.
Gala I am sooo glad that you wrote this post :) I think its something ALOT of girls need to get over. Myself included :) Here is a virtual hug hugs hahahahha
Just the other day someone on the radio was talking about the way women always seem out to get each other, which I think is all too true. And while I know that many women are like that because genetic and sexual competition, it’s good to know that you can rise above it.
I find it so hard to believe that you were once a gossipy sort of gal! Your switch of mind-set is proof that your outlook really can change your whole life for the better!
Gala I was thinking today that another important part of being a good friend is to be one to yourself as well: for me this means its ok that my friends aren’t who I want them to be all the time, that they wear clothes I wouldn’t or couldn’t, have lifestyles I couldn’t enjoy or like different things. Sometimes I would feel guilty that I would have these so called negative thoughts about my friends. Today another friend was giving me some bodywork and I started to unravel some of these issues and was like ohhhh…. They can still be there for me, even if I say no, I don’t like that, or refuse them because I just can’t handle their boyfriends smoking, their weird ass style…for an afternoon.
Point is I guess that we are all doing the best we can with what we have, I hope people remember this about themselves as well. Thanks for the blog Gala, I eat my lunch and love it….
xoxo natalia.
i’ve definitely been on both sides of this. in highschool my very very best friend who i felt comfortable saying anything to confessed to me while we were reading each other’s college applications essays that she had been jealous of me throughout highschool (this surprised me and shocked me because she was really smart, but okay, i let her finish explaining) and that she had been searching and searching for something that she was better at than me. and that now, she wasn’t jealous anymore because she had finally found it; after comparing her college essay to mine, she realized how much better of a writer she was. i was happy for her that she had found her thing, but, i wish it hadn’t been as a response to asking for advice about my college essay! so i told her that she was talented and should never doubt herself, and we were different people so there was no point in comparing, ever! but i felt very uncomfortable from then on because i still got the feeling that she was comparing everything we did. our friendship fizzled and i was really sad.
on the flip side, i found out that a guy that i was seeing last year was still sort of involved with his ex— who is a kind of famous fashion designer in tokyo, and who furthermore seems down to earth, fun, and generally lovely. this kind of tore apart at me, and thoughts like “obviously he’d stick with her, i would too!” ran through my head over and over. to this day i still can’t bring myself to visit her store, even though her clothes are 100% to my taste. ack, it’s so silly and petty. i’m working on getting over this so i can try on some of her awesome funky designs. being reminded that everyone struggles with jealousy sometimes, along with concrete ways to work on it, was a big help. thanks, gala! xoxo
Great article, I agree with pretty much all of the points you make. Will work on this myself x
I love this article, it helped me put some thing in perspective.
please help me out. let me know how i can change my self. i dont know how to handle when my fiance always points out hot sexy women out. i feel like im ot good enough. i feel like hed be better with other women eihter because the are hooter or have better personalities.
Jealous of
Ashley: has perfect hair, eyes, and body figure, smile. Personality. She is genuine nice. I feel that she is a goddess. She is a big threat to me. If I see any female that has 1 thing that I don’t have I always think she is better then me. If a woman has a better figure and has a better face than me I feel like shit. I know I am pretty. But to me being pretty isn’t enough. I feel the need to be as pretty or prettier then any women. I feel that there is to much competition out there. Id just want to feel that I am just as hot as these other women and that there is no way that they are a competition to me. I know that there will always be better looking women out there and that’s what scares me. I’m so insecure that I believe that other women with their good looks and great personalities would be a better match for any guy then me. What I don’t like about myself is that I have thin hair.another thing that I realy hate about my skin is I have a skin disorder that I have birth marks all over my body and it cause bumps, I don’t mind the birthmarks at all but when I grow up and the older I get the more bumps I will get on my body. As I look at my dad and sister and brothers they have so many of them all over and it just scares me because I feel like its going to make me look even uglier then I feel I look now. I feel that I wont be as attractive a I do now to my fiancé. Then I feel that all these other women will have one more thig better then me.I like the color of my natural hair color. I like to dye my hair and I like the colors that I can do, I feel sexier and prettier, but I hate having no money to keep up on the hair coloring its just to expansive. I get my hair coloring done 1 a year. After each time I color it the hair dye fades. And that’s when I start to hate my hair. I never seem to get my natural hair color back because the time it grows out the other half is faded. I hate the way I look. And if I were to cut the faded hair off then my hair would be to short. I feel really ugly when I have short hair. So I am happy with my long hair. I just wish it was shiny all the time and I wish I could have hair that would never fade and would always look hot. I wear glasses. And because of wearing glasses I always have these dark circles under my eyes. It makes me look tired and ugly. I like my eyes but id rather have sexy eyes. I love the color green or blue for eyes. I have a size b cup and they are saggy. I wish they were perkier and more full. My teeth are kind of yellow and that’s my own fault for not brushing them. Even if I started to brush everyday and took care of them better they never will be the way I would like them. I want them to look nice and white. Completely white. I want them perfect and I don’t want them to look like fake white. If I had white teeth id feel better about smiling. My lips are so small and thin and they are not full lips. I think people with full, even lips are hot and delirious for kissing. I don’t feel like I’m a good kisser. I love being kissed and I love kissing and making out even not during sex. But I don’t feel that I am a good kisser. I believe that I have an attractive body figure. The only things I hate about my figure is my breast, tummy, and ass. My breast are saggy and not full. My tummy isn’t flat like as if you were to suck in as if of your baby fat. I love the size of my ass but I hate how long it is and I wish it was just tighter/lifted. Now my legs are just fine but I wish my thighs were tighter. I have a couple of places on my body that just needs to be tighter. Even if I could have the perfect body that I dream of I probably still try to find something I don’t like about my body. The main thing id like to change is my face and my personality. I just feel that every woman is better looking then me. I feel that any women that looks hotter or prettier then me could steal my guy, just because I am not pretty like them and most women seem like they can get along and have better conversations with people. I feel that these other women have better appearances and have better conversation then I do. I feel that every guy and including my fiancé is or could be more interested in other women because I don’t feel like my fiancé is ever interested in anything I say or want to do. There are times I think something is important to tell him or talk to him about that he thinks is pointless to talk about or is not interested in. I feel like I am boring. When he takes out his phone or plays other games when around me I feel bad because I feel that im not that interesting and all im doing is just boring him. When I am out with him around his friends I don’t se him playing something or doing something else. He seems to be interested in what they are doing and never seems to be board. I like his friends. His one friend I consider one of his best friends that is a girl is really nice. She has a guy in her life too. Her name is Beth. She is really nice. I am glad that he can have good friends. I am jealous of all his friends’ weather if they are pretty or not. Because it just seems to me that they have better more interesting lives and stuff to talk about. So im always thinking other women are better then me do to the fact that I feel that they are either prettier then me or are more interesting ten me. At many times I feel like I cant just be myself because I feel that my real self is just an embarrassment to people and disrespectful. For instance when I am having a great time I usually will show it by being loud and wild. When we go bowling when I am doing really good. Getting strikes and spare. I like to put my hands in the air. Do a silly dance and shout things like oh yeah I get a strike. I really don’t know what I say but I just get exited and I end up saying it loud where other people can here me. When my fiancé kind of gets annoyed by it and tells me to quiet down it just frustrates me and kind of ruins the fun for me. I guess we just have different ways of having fun. I just think I am an embarrassment and I feel like im not fun to be around. I don’t feel like I am funny but don’t think other people think I am funny. I want people to think I am funny and fun to be around. I want people not to be board around me. I want to have great interesting conversations with people mostly I want to have all of this with my fiancé.
email me sarahbarnes20@aol.com
Gala, you don’t know how much I needed this post. Lately I’ve been feeling very inadequate and extremely jealous [basically the boy I asked to prom likes my friend. She did tell him that she wouldn’t date him. I didn’t really like this boy, we were going as friends, but still it hurts to be rejected]. After reading this, it made me realize that I can’t let a boy get between me and one of my best friends. After analyzing this jealousy I realized that it was just my vanity that had been bruised. I printed out this post to read whenever I feel like I’m lacking in some way. Gala, you are such an inspiration!
Thanks for this thought provoking write-up. Thinking ourselves the best one among all and to improve ourselves further is the best way to remain happy never feeling jealous with any one.
this is an excellent post
this is such a good post! its so true that when you are miserable your jealously is worse and in turn that makes you more angry and upset…I was bullied at school by the “popular” crowd, was unhappy alot of the time, got ridiculously jealous and did stupid things which alienated the good girl friends i had….got an eating disorder, was on a total path of self destruction…
but now I am better! I’m recovering and no longer depressed and am starting to realise what is important. Not being popular and “better” than everyone else, but simply loving yourself, your friends and your family. Now I am more confident and less resentful which I’m sure makes me a nicer person to be around-I’m back to being good friends with all my old friends. I’m writing this just to show that people can change! I don’t want to sound cliched but it is a bit of a “journey” to drop your bitchy flirty persona and gain true confidence. But it can happen! and appreciating what you have, and making other people happy is a good place to start
wow your article is sooooo good:)
amazing post, I think we women really do have to learn support each other and to accept and love ourselves!!
Gala,
Thank you for this post :)
Much love…
Thank you so much for a great post!
I’m still on my way towards actually being my self, and being happy about it. You gave me a lot to think about.
Gala-
Thank you for this post—I will be forwarding this link to many friends. The jealously for some never stops, which is sad, but I am glad I have friends (now) that are not perfect but comfortable in their skin and happy.
(Sorry but I’m a history minor) Historically, women are trained to do this. I do not mean modern times. Going back about 500-1000 years, women only had power through the men they held-so much back stabbing, secrecy, and cutting down other women was the only way to “build” a sense of power in a world where death was everywhere. Going back 10,000-15,000 years, you’re vulnerable when you’re pregnant, and to a hold a man was food and safety. This, I believe is the underlying root—Although modern history (past 100 years) has not helped either to “encourage” women to hate one another in order to “do well in life.” I’m sure that if we all banded together one day, that we could literally rule the world.
thank you for this lovely and insightful prose.
I’ve probably read this post 100 times, easily.
See, this girl, Allison Harvard, was on America’s Next Top Model this season. She ended up taking second. It feels like the whole world is obsessed with her, including most of the blogs I love.
Maybe this wouldn’t be a problem.
But, she happens to be my exboyfriend’s exgirlfriend. And I only broke up with my exboyfriend a few weeks ago. He was a complete putz and our relationship ending had nothing to do with her. But I was going insane from seeing her everywhere. I still am. The show is over and she is STILL haunting me. I’m broken up with him and hearing about her all the time still bothers me.
But then I read your article and I realize a few things. #1 Everyone asking me about her makes me feel like I’m living in her shadow. #2 Part of the reason she bothers me involves some mean emails she sent me for no reason, which I take as a sign that she was jealous of me for awhile there.
Anyway, instead of buying some of her artwork and smashing it to bits, I read your blog about jealousy and it calms me down a bit.
So, thank you for writing something that has helped me to deal with my jealousy in a helpful manner.
xoxo
Andee Nero