Jennifer
[ 16 August 2007 ]
Today is the 16th of August, my friend Jennifer’s birthday. She would have been 24 today, but she committed suicide when she was 15.
I had known her since we were about six years old — we went to the same schools & lived in the same suburb. We used to catch the bus together & copy one another’s maths homework (it was always wrong). As we got older she became this really awesome, beautiful, rebellious girl. She was tall & sassy & she had this fantastic way of walking, where she would bounce off the balls of her feet with every step. She had brown doe eyes & a beauty mark on her shoulder. She couldn’t spell but she drew hilarious comics about the teachers we disliked. I remember a sleepover at her house where she & I played practical jokes on the other girls all night. & I remember her 10th birthday, where she had a big chocolate cake with the numbers ‘10’ dusted on in icing sugar.
I don’t know what else I can say. Things always get better. My life has improved in about ten million ways since I was 15, & all my friends feel the same way. Being a teenager sucks sometimes & everyone knows it. (Don’t pay any attention to those awful people who tell you that these are “the best days of your life”, it’s rubbish.) Life improves, life improves, life improves. I know it can be hard to see at times, but it does, I promise you.
If you’re depressed, PLEASE tell someone about it, go & see a doctor, try EFT, go on holiday — just do something. If your friend seems suicidal, PLEASE talk to them, or their parents or a teacher, or go with them to a counsellor, or make a point of taking them on adventures all the time. Just get them out of their own head, give them lots of kisses, tell them you love them.
I miss her terribly & think of her often. Please look after yourselves.
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala 
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happy birthday to your lost friend. what a sad thing to have happened.
a couple of members of my family suffer from depression and if they hadn’t gotten help i don’t know where they’d be today.
look after yourself too.
love your blog, you’re a beautiful person inside and out!
hugs beth
it’s true that everyone says that being a teen is the best thing ever, when it doesn’t! at least it wasn’t for me =/ though I really, really miss school; being in high school was so much easier and fun than university haha xD
remember there is no shame in asking for help. and if you ask someone and don’t get it, keep asking people until you get what you need.
one night I was very close to the end, when I drove past a hospital, I did a u-turn and went into the a&e. I whispered in a tiny voice to the receptionist that I wanted to kill myself. she was great, she didn’t make me sit with everyone else, and had me moved to a room by myself. my nurse, stayed with me for a while and then checked in every so often, got me magazines, more blankets, water and anything else I needed.
she got the CATT team in, and I worked through everything with them. we spent time discussing the help I needed and medication. I got to choose what I did and what I went on. I seriously believe that night that nurse saved my life and got me the help I needed to move on.
What a moving post.
It takes tremendous courage to get the help one needs to get through tough times. My best friend has been struggling with depression since her teens. Today, over a decade later, she couldn’t be better – she is healthy and happy and reading your post made me realise how grateful I am for that.
And for all that she has been to me in the last eight years since we first met. I am going to drop her an email right now and tell her that.
Thank you for sharing, Gala. Take care of yourself too. All love
Been there. It does get better.
Thanks Gala for writing so beautifully on such a delicate issue.
It’s so hard. I’ve lost friends too – came close to losing myself. But you are right – it does get better, if you just hang in there long enough. If you just get yourself through the day, and the next day, and the next day, eventually, something shifts, and you start to see colour again.
My teenage years were totally fucked up, but I feel like I’m stronger now for them. I lived through some terrible times, but they’ve made me who I am today. If I try, I can see the positive results of all of the horror I went through.
Jennifer is in my thoughts. All the people who chose to end their lives are in my thoughts. And all the people who managed to get through their darkest times – they are in my thoughts, and my heart. I’m so glad for all of us who chose to live.
My teenage years were absolute shite and I remember so many people telling me they were the best years of their life… which didn’t make me feel any better. One day though, an older friend of mine said the opposite, that things only get BETTER after the teenage years. That is absolutely the case for me. I am so happy with my life now.
People often forget how hard it is to be a teenager so I am glad you wrote this article even though I’m sure it can’t have been entirely easy. How sad to lose someone so young and so full of life… I am sorry to hear about it. But it is inspiring that you are sending out a positive message. Thankyou.
I can’t believe people will say teenage years, or university years, or “the seventh form” are the best time of your life – how sad to look back and think that that was the pinnacle of your existence and things have never been that good again! I remember being 15 was pretty horrible, even without exams on top of everything else. It’s been almost 14 years since I sat my last exam, and what you say is true: things always get better. Thank you, Gala.
thank you for posting this entry.
i am thinking of you & jennifer
thank you so much for sharing this.
i’m still at high school and last week we had a guest speaker talk about depression. though he meant well it was pretty poor, he kept trying to be funny.
this is more the sort of thing that is needed, a personal approach with hope rather than an irritatingly pollyanna view.
thanks again.
What a beautiful way of writing on a issue that is mostly taboo in our culture
I’ve asked for help a lot of times, and yet I’ve never got it,even though I’ve never thought about suicide, because I keep thinking that things will somehow improve, even if they don’t.
It’s tough being a teenager but I want to thank you for giving me hope that things will someday get better.
My prayers are with you, Jennifer and I’ll also pray for those other who, like me, want to make it past their darkest times
p.s. I don’t even know why am I talking of such issues of my life here… I guess you do give a welcoming atmosphere
beth — Thank you for your well wishes :> I’m glad that the people in your family have gotten help, it’s really important.
fran — I don’t miss school at ALL! I loathed it! I love the freedom I have now.
sarah — I am so glad for that nurse. & I am so proud of you for getting the help you needed. It can be really hard to do that. Wow. Lots of kisses to you.
Ammu — Good for you! I hope she enjoys hearing it :> & also, thank you! I’m going to send you a postcard…
bluebird — I think a lot of people have good intentions but they’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a teenager. Or they never really had a bad time in their youth & so they just breeze in as a “motivational speaker” with no real back-story… It’s just not that helpful.
Diana — Things always do improve, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the start. Make a commitment to live your life fully & all the gray starts to fade, you start to get involved in things & life really starts to move quickly again. If you still need help, please don’t stop asking — but do try approaching different people. Some people don’t understand how serious depression can be, so they have no idea what it’s like. I hope you’re okay & stay safe.
Gala, again a brilliant post. Like you I have lost a very close friend. We were best friends from when we were 4 years old but drifted apart as we got older. I moved countries and we eventally completely lost touch. After years of struggling with his sexuality he killed himself last year aged 27. The sad thing was, it was only he that hadn’t accepted his sexuality and struggled with it, his friends and family and everyone who knew him loved and accepted him for who and what he was. Such a waste.
My brother also lost his best friend when he was 20, to this day we don’t know why, it was 10 years ago last month.
I do so agree, it gets better… a lot better. Not least because you learn better ways to deal, and learn to control your life and surroundings and things that affect your mood. And you have lived to see that things can and do change and no misery is forever! Which is something that is so hard to believe (even if they tell you..) when you’re a teenager.
I’m a teacher and I have so many students, who, already at age 11-12ish, seem to grapple with these issues, and I wish I could make them see and believe that it is worth holding on! But of course at that age you know the best and what others tell you is total bullshit because they don’t understand you, or what you’re going through. :)
Thanks so much for sharing this! It’s really sad to hear about it, but i think if people can share their feelings about things, the better. :)
my friend suddenly told me she wants to die. in a not depressing way, but i knew she was serious. she scared me. i told her “if it sucks here, it sucks way more in hell!!”
What a sad story. Thanks for the touching post.
Thank you for sharing this, I’m depressed and I’ve been having panic attacks for two years. I couldn’t ask for help until last week and I’m starting therapy next week. Maybe someone that is in my same situation is reading this, it doesn’t matter how long it takes you to ask for help, it’s never too late. I also thought about killing myself, I’m not religious so I don’t care about hell because hell it’s what I’m feeling, but there has to be something worth it about living, you know?.
I agree, what a brilliant, touching, post.
I can honestly say that my school years were the worst years of my life. I was so scared that I was going to be lonely and sad forever that I often wished my life was over, or that I’d never been born.
And now I’m happy. You’re right, things do get better. They are so much more better than I could have ever dreamed they would be. I had no idea what I would have been giving up.
I know the pain you’re feeling. I lost a cousin to suicide and just one year ago my best friend committed suicide. I knew she had problems and was seeking help…but she apparently didn’t think the relief from the pain was happening quickly enough and she killed herself one night when no one was home. I was out of the country and will never forgive myself for not being there for her. If anyone has a friend, a loved one, ANYONE who says they have thoughts of killing themselves…listen to them. Get them some help. The lives that are left to pick up the pieces will never be the same.
Thank you for this. I lost my best friend to suicide when we were 19 years old. I am 32 now, and still healing.
Such a post… I “had” to post it – with credits, of course – on my own page… with some thoughts as well… I’m not feeling OK this year, but I wouldn’t go so far. Anyway, you wrote in such a beautiful and sensitive way, thanks!
that’s so sad. in the past i have come incredibly close to suicide, but always backed out of it because i didn’t want to upset my friends and family. now that i am, for the most part, better (i.e. medicated), i am beyond relieved. i think what i have learnt the most from the whole miserable experience of considering suicide is that bad things are always going to happen – but so are good things, and with any luck the good will outweigh, or at least be equal to, the bad.
Gala, I hope it’s ok with you that I print this and post it in my classroom.
Two years ago, one of my students committed suicide. Everyone claims it was an accident, but he was terribly into drugs and came to class high on something at least once a week. I always turned him into the administrators. One day I pulled him aside, gave him a hug, and told him that he was scaring me. I said if he didn’t stop what he was doing, he would end up dead within the month. He laughed and said he didn’t have any plans to live over 20 anyway.
A week later, on a Monday, a student in class asked me if I had heard the news. “Chris” was dead from an overdose. It tore me up inside. All day I had to call security to take over my classes so I could find a place of solitude to cry. I loved that kid, and I hoped I had the strength and influence to change him.
I didn’t.
I met his dad last year. As soon as I introduced myself, he burst into tears and took me in his arms. It appears that I was the ONLY teacher Chris ever talked about at home, and when he needed recommendation letters for college, I was the ONLY teacher who was willing to write one. The dad informed me that the letter I wrote praising Chris’s bright moments still hung on their refrigerator.
Chris was only 18 and months away from graduation. He is still in my heart, and his obituary still hangs behind my desk at school.
It does get better, it really does. Being a teenager was awful, and when my mum said “enjoy these are the best years of your life” I felt even more inadequate. I did think about suicide, but I was never game or serious enough to get close. I never talked to anyone about it then, and now I don’t need to.
Life gets sooooo much better. You just have to tough it out. Think of it as being in training to be tough and wonderful later in life. Others I know who didn’t seem to have a tough childhood can’t seem to cope now, so celebrate your difficulties and differences!!
Jennifer sounds incredible.
It’s easy to see why you were close.
Kerry — I’m so sorry to hear that. I feel so awful for anyone who is embarrassed of ashamed of their sexuality, because it’s so integral to who we are & how we function in society. It’s even worse when the malice they think other people may feel towards them is all in their head, ugh, it makes my heart hurt to think about it.
the Grey — Also with young kids, their brain isn’t fully developed (until they’re 20-something, I think?) so they’re actually NOT capable of making rational decisions. Which sounds like I’m being mean, but I’m not, haha. I think at a young age it’s also really easy to feel like life has ALWAYS been sucky, when actually it might have only been a couple of months. Then again, I know adults who still function like that, so ;D
Sol — I’m really glad that you’re getting some help. I would recommend EFT if you find therapy’s not moving things along for you (it worked wonders for me, whereas years of therapy really just made me angry at the money involved & the significant lack of progress). All that “hell” stuff is bullshit religious propaganda. They’re going about it the wrong way. “I’ll scare you into living!” It’s a total load. What people need is inspiration & guidance & reassurance, that they’re not bad people & that life is amazing when you really get into it. I hope you feel better soon honey. xx
Ruth — Oh sweetheart, you have to forgive yourself. I know it hurts, but you have to give yourself some solace. You are not responsible for anyone’s life but your own… we do what we can, but we are only in charge of ourselves… I hope you forgive yourself someday, I think your friend would have wanted it that way! xo
V. — It’s hard, isn’t it? I’m sorry for your loss.
sophie~ — I am so glad you are here with us! Like the Grey said above, as we get older we develop more coping mechanisms (hopefully not just drugs/alcohol/sex/starvation, ha!) to deal with life & its ebb & flow. So it does get easier. Smooches to you!
tee tee — Of course it’s okay, I’d be thrilled. I’m so sorry to hear about Chris, that is really awful… but it does prove that by being supportive of people, it can make their life better, even if it’s only momentary. You seem like an amazing person :>
Sephy — Thank you. She was so gorgeous, I really miss her.
Was there a reason that my comment was deleted?
I’m rather sad.
Suicide has always been a tender issue for me and I was really hoping I could provide some input.
Pawleen — I haven’t deleted any comments :> This happened a while ago, a girl thought I had deleted her comment but we came to the conclusion that she only clicked ‘preview’ & not ‘submit’... Try again!
AAahh poopy. In that case I apologize for jumping to conclusions. ^^
Basically what I had put in my pretend post was that I’ve been thinking of suicide SINCE I was 15…I’m going to be 20 in a month. I’m not even sure if I would ever be able to go through with it, it just becomes a vice. When things are bad, it’s comforting for me to think “Oh well I can always just die”. Bad habit, I know. I told my boyfriend of 2 years about it last month, the first time I’ve told anyone. I was horrified that he’d freak out, but he’s been great.
Not only did it take a huge load off my chest, now I have someone to talk about things with and discuss options.
Case in point: TELL SOMEONE.
Thanks for the post Gala!
Hey Gala,
I’m in England working planning my basically unplanned trip to France, Morocco and Ethiopia then Scandinavia. I can’t wait to dance alone in the Art Deco City in the desert Asmara. I’ll be writing Jamie & Diana forever in the dust. I hope something happens and I have to stay there, smiling out my window.
I remember her. Hugs!
Hugs
I wish I could get out of my mind, too. I’m sorry about your friend.
Suicide is a bullshit way out (although I wish I actually believed this, and wasn’t just going through the motions).
I hope you’re right. I hope so hard.
xxxx
you’re so right.
being in high school myself, you’re so right!
things become much clearer about the past.
&& it’s all about being strong.
especially if you have problems at home.
although i have never thought about suicide, i honor my friends and my older sister—who also went through the same things at home—for keeping me strong and not allowing me to ever reach that point.
the best advice that was given to me was to set goals for myself for my future. and my biggest strength was replacing the word “if” with “when” about my goals.
thanks for sharing your story. it made me more aware of what is happening to my close friends that i may not know about.