Kink Under The Covers
[ 28 April 2008 ]
“What would you recommend to spice up your sex life? I’m with a lovely guy who I trust (and who trusts me) implicitly. We have an enjoyable sex life but it’s so… meh. Two positions, totally plain. He’s also very inexperienced and quite submissive, so doesn’t feel he’s knowledgeable enough to bring up new ideas. And I, for once, am completely at a loss for inspiration! So one of my goals is to remedy this. Do you have any tips/suggestions/links/cupcakes that you think could solve, or at least enhance, my lacklustre love life? Indeed, if there’s a cupcake that could enhance it, I’d be more the happier!”
Absolutely! There are lots of things you can do to make your intimate life more sexy, exciting & stimulating! Here are a few suggestions. (By the link, practically all of the links that follow aren’t safe for work. Consider yourself warned!)
Buy a good sex book
It’s one of the best ways to fill your head with new ideas, while at the same time giving you a crash course in sexual health. (We all need reminders!) You might like to go to the sexuality section of your local bookstore & peruse the shelves; I often find that Borders has a huge selection of sex manuals as well as erotica. However, I have to say, my absolute favourite sex book is The Guide To Getting It On!, by Paul Joannides & Daerick Gross. It is truly awesome. It’s required reading at colleges across America, which you might think would mean it’s a pretty dry book. Not at all! It’s the kind of book you read for fun (or “pleasure”, mwahaha) — the writing is humorous, always interesting & thought-provoking. Any book with a chapter called “The Zen Of Finger F*cking” has to be good! Get your hands on a copy & read it with your boyfriend, enjoy the illustrations (they are racy & cool) & use some Post-It notes to mark things you’d like to try together! You might also like to look into some of Violet Blue’s books — she has written some fantastic stuff about fetishes, role play, porn & various sex acts!
Find a few good sex blogs
There are all kinds of things online that will appeal to you, it’s all about what floats your boat. You can experiment with erotica, pretty pictures, sex ed & the infamous Fleshbot. If you add one (or several) of these blogs to your RSS reader, you’ll get a steady influx of racy loveliness, which will definitely raise your libido & keep your mind ticking in a lusty manner!
Subscribe to a sexy/erotic podcast…
...& listen to it together in bed! Turn the lights down low, get scantily clad & see where the words take you! If you search “sex podcast” in iTunes, you’ll be presented with a slew of podcasts to digest & enjoy.
Watch porn together
I don’t mean that mass-produced stuff starring human Barbie dolls (well, unless that appeals to you!) — I mean the good stuff, & believe me, it does exist. I think Andrew Blake is a pretty great pornographer: what he does is more high-end erotica than terrifying close-ups & whatnot. For example, Dita Von Teese stars in Pin-Ups 2. Vivid Alt have some good titles, too. For more suggestions, Violet Blue is your girl — she used to review porn for a living! Check out her recommendations for what she calls “smart porn” — less long fingernails (eeesh!) & faux-orgasms, more genuine pleasure & realistic lovin’!
Write down your fantasies…
...on little scraps of paper, have your boyfriend do the same, then draw one or two out of a hat every week! You could even have little “dates” a few nights a week, where you make drawing a fantasy out of a hat a habit. Fun fun! If you have performance anxiety & can’t think of anything to write down, have a look at BDSM Scenarios: Ideas To Spark Your Sex Life.
Do a striptease!
Have your lover do one, too! (It’s only fair…)
Dress up…
...in a saucy outfit & let him have his wicked way with you (or vice versa)! Pretending to be someone else can really help if you’re feeling pressured to get it on & have an amazing time, etc. Boss him around or let him tell you what to do, & come up with outfits to match. Bonus points if you surprise him at the door wearing just your knickers under a trenchcoat, or jump out of his closet wearing nothing but one of his shirts!
Try getting it on in different locations
Sometimes a change of scenery is just what you need. Try messing around in your car, by the beach, in a forest, behind the stacks at your local library, in a cupboard at IKEA, or wherever works for you… just don’t get caught!
Go shopping
No, not for tomato sauce & a head of broccoli… for bedroom accoutrements! Handcuffs, Swarovski crystal embellished whips, toys, blindfolds, feathers, whatever takes your fancy! If you’re too shy to buy in person, Good Vibrations is a great place to start.
What are your best hints for making your sex life more saucy? Go on, spill!
Love letters & feather headdresses,
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I don’t think I can stress enough how much I LOVE my vibrator. I think all women should have one! They’re simply FANTASTIC. Mine is a simple little silver bullet from Babeland, but you can get a similar one anywhere for about $10. It’s got adjustable speed so you can tailor it to your liking, it’s relatively quiet. I’m in a dorm with 4 other girls, and I am able to use mine in the bathroom after everyone has settled in for the night without rousing any suspicion ;) Seriously, GET ONE NOW!
Julie- worst thing ever. I was home on break last week, so my vibe came with me. And I forgot it at home. Which is 800 miles away.
I’m going home for the summer in two weeks, but if I have time I’m seriously considering buying a second one if I have time to get out to Good Vibes soon. Because a, if one vibration is wonderful then it’s time to start experimenting with which other ones I like. And b, I can’t deal without it!
the boy and i bought each other naughty valentines presents for each other this year (along with something nice so i could honestly say ‘chocolates and a card’ when my mum asked what we’d given each other :p) and it was a lot of fun :3 awhile ago i also made him a sexy coupon booklet… you can use your imagination for what the coupons were for, hehe.
i think the best thing is to be honest and open, and for you both to be comfortable with whatever you’re doing. if you create an atmosphere where you’re comfortable enough to say ‘well i’ve always wanted to try…’ then it can be a lot of fun.
thank you for the tips. I love the second tip, especially the links lol
And I just do your tip immediately after I read it lol
Alcohol. It’s the only way to go. Providing that it’s not to the point of sloppiness, that is…
Reminds you of the Great Sexpectations episode of SATC, doesn’t it?
Julie- Totally agree with you. I don’t use it with my boyfriend (yet, hehe) but just knowing for myself what turns me on and off and experimenting before we experiment is very helpful and fun!
I plan on doing some shopping with the boy when we get a minute. Time for some new handcuffs and maybe a paddle teehee.
i’m in a semi-ldr where i see my boyfriend every weekend or so and one of the things we did was to make a list of things we’d never tried and always wanted to try. then that next weekend he surprised me with one or two of them it’s been more then a few months now and we still aren’t done with the list. actually, we don’t really look at the list anymore, but once we try something new we can say, “hey, can cross that off the list!” we’re pretty adventurous, but i think it was a good idea because we got to brainstorm and see each other’s fantasies and then share the experiences together randomly…kind of exciting to think of new things to add to it as well :)
Well, I have to add: going to a sex shop and looking at the toys and porns. And maybe buying something… some lube and ticklers at least! ;)
Excellent. I freaking love this post, being married 3+ years already I would never want to get boring. This just makes me go “ohhh well i haven’t done that in a long time” :p
Sexyland is also a great place for shopping. The salespeople are so nice and helpful. it is in no way embarrassing or intimidating to ask them for help if you need it.
I totally agree about Andrew Blake! An ex introduced me to his videos and they are so pretty to watch. Sadly, I showed the current boy one and he was not into all the jazz music in the background. But I will look for the one with Dita Von Teese, I didn’t even know she had made one with him. But seriously, it is the most girl friendly porn in the world.
I misread “Bonus points if you surprise him at the door wearing just your knickers under a trenchcoat” as “Bonus points if you surprise him at the door wearing just your knickers on your head”. Which is even better, in a way!!!
Can I just say, the thing that bothers me the MOST about main-stream porn isn’t the plastic surgery-addled female stars or the occasional degradation of women—it’s those hideous faux French-manicured fingernails being shoved in VERY dangerous places! Ughh! I’m so glad someone else is bugged by that…
Annabel- ROFL! I agree, it is even better, in a way!
alice: i totally agree! faux french-manicured nails freak me out in a real life setting, they’re definately not something i need to see in a sexytime-themed movie. yugh.
specifically, the grossness of mainstream lesbian porn. it makes me weep!
Ah, my husband and I are long overdue for a shopping trip : ) It keeps coming up and we’re so busy…we have to just MAKE the time! It’s so important!
Hi, I wanted to mention the HBO series “Tell Me You Love me” which you can get on DVD now. Very sexy, about relationships, lots of sex and very sexy but it actually has a GREAT plot and is about different couple in couples therapy — not just the pizza delivery guy coming in for a “special delivery”. I’ve heard quite a few couple say this helped them out!
My only problem with some of the ideas bringing some things up (i.e. writing down fantasies and the shopping, bring the vib) It’s hard to bring up the subject without the guy feeling like he’s doing something wrong…
Like my sex life is fantastic BUT the problem is he only wants to do it like once a day cuz he’s afraid it will get boring, which would be fine if we saw each other constantly but it’s like once or twice a week
So how do I tactfully broach this stuff without making him feel inadequate?
My boy and I like to mix it up…we’ll even try different places around his house (the kitchen, stairs, shower, etc). And sometimes we’ll switch up which one of us is “in control.” The last thing we want to do is become boring!
Talking. How incredibly boring! But very true. Biggest turn-on slash sex enhancer there is.
alice:
YES I SO AGREE! (on the fingernail issue….ewww….)
Asa- Honesty. its the best thing out there. besides im sure if you just do foreplay for two hours he’ll wanna go at it again with you, thats a good way to approach the subject.
Me and my boy havnt had sex yet, due to the fact that he is living in another state than me…but hes going to be home in two saturdays and im so super nervous!
but thankfully our relationship grew over the phone and we got all the awkwardness out there so now all thats left is to bask and enjoy =D
I always feel so…dirty like, unhygenic when i watch mainstream porn. which really sucks. But thats what makes the really good “indie” porn well, really good.
OMG, perfect timing! I was thinking about the same thing that this girl asked you yesterday (though my bf is quite happy to try new stuff all the time :D!). Thanks for all the tips! I absolutly love Violet Blue, she’s so pretty and amazing and smart. Reading her website really helped me to accept myself as a sexual person (I had lots of issues because of my mom’s catholic view…). I’m thinking about getting a vibrator, but it’s kind of complicated for me, since 1.i don’t have much money, 2. they don’t sell too much stuff in here, and 3. i live with my parents so getting one online means is gonna arrive home and they might see it (the horror!!).
Anyways, I love that you touched this topic! :D I wish you do it more often ;) Thanks a lot!!
I love that book too! Woo!
I lurk alla time and of course it would be a sex post that makes me come out of hiding! www.toysinbabeland.com is awesome, too – double plus, it’s run by women. :)
Asa: bring it up as something YOU want to try… as an addition to what you already do, not as a “correction” or “fix” to anything he’s doing. Get all nakey and snuggle up to him and say, “Look at this book (movie, toy, whatever) I bought! I was a little embarrassed but I saw it and just thought, ooh, fun! Look through it (watch it, play with it) with me?” Whee! :)
Sexy messages. Notes in his pockets before he puts on a pair of pants, texts to read while he’s at work, etc etc. Gives him a little something to contemplate before coming home to you.
Once my boyfriend and I went out and decided to tease each other all night. Because we were out with friends, we had to be subtle and not touch each other (I followed this one- him, not so much)
But we’d whisper what we wanted to do to each other in the other’s ear, I bought out lollipops and sucked on them for a while etc. There was a code word and when one person gave in and said it, that was the signal to run home and have lots of sex.
Other than that, dirty talk really helps – even if you feel a little silly saying it at first, your partner will love it and then you’ll feel less silly. Hurrah!
Randomly jump into the shower with them
Wake them up with a blowjob.
If you both never normally dress up, do it!. My boy and I did this the other night, as we were invited to a swanky dress up housewarming party. He wore a bowtie and bowler hat and I wore a cocktail dress and heels. (I’m NEVER that girly usually). We’d never seen each other dressed up like that and almost didn’t make it out of the house.
I can agree, my Fiancée and I have. We have a very open relationship, if there is some sort of fantasy I have had for quite some time,I fell very comfortable to tell him. Though often times i find he loves to tease me more with it.
Which isn’t a bad thing, often times teasing your partner (so they realize they even have a sex drive). This often helps special with men. When they just lay there on the bed and you know your in a “mood” and they just aren’t. Play around a little, don’t be afraid to be a little naughty, you’d be surprised how many people really like that.
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also they “Wake them up with a blowjob.” is a VERY good way to get a little of what you want..i think just pushing to they point that they want to explode and not letting him is a great way to bring out “animal instinct”
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Happy high herbs! and ask for the love one, i cant remember what it’s called eh!
This is exactly what I needed. Thanks!
Here’s one sex tip that is most important – COMMUNICATION!
i love Andrew Blake pornography. it is amazing and i would reccommend it to all girls as it is visually stunning as well as rude for the boys and it is so soft and sensual and arty at the same time that it is almost like watching a painting come to life.
i have the Dita Andrew Blake film and it is awesome. she is a doll.
i would also reccommend Doll House by Andrew Blake and any of the Pin Ups series.
god i sound like a porno addict now, but seriously, i have a boyfriend like the one mentioned in this post and he loves them too!!!!!! :D
FRAN: a lot of online sex shops ship in discreet packages with cryptic return addresses so not even your postal person will know it’s from a sex shop. Many sites use this as a selling point, so be sure to buy from a place that mentions this (like Babes in Toyland). Also, many sites have more economical (but just as good) vibrator options, so it’s definitely something to look into!