Letting Go Of The Past & Getting Back Together
[ 24 September 2008 ]
“I’m the the middle of a complicated, possibly-getting-back-with-my-ex situation. One of our biggest problems we had in our first relationship was my issue with not being able to let go of the past, and live in the now. I’m always wondering about my other ex’s, and other ways my life could have turned out. I can’t seem to let go of people, places or things. I know the only way he and I will be able to be in a healthy relationship again is if I get over all the “what if’s”, any advice?
Also, what is your stand on getting back together with ex’s?”
The most obvious thing to me is that your email is all about repeating patterns. You were with a guy, but while you were with him, you thought about your ex-boyfriends. Now that he is part of the ex-boyfriends club, you’re thinking about him! Clearly this constant looking back you do has permeated your life in a fairly significant way.
Obsessing over the past has a lot to do with a fear of what the future might hold, & a fear of change. Moving forward can be scary, after all, because you never know what might happen. Unfortunately though, it doesn’t matter how afraid you are — time keeps slipping by, nudging us further & further into the future, whether we like it or not.
There could be any number of reasons why you keep looking back. Maybe you’re afraid of committing to someone or of being hurt, perhaps you feel like you’re not a complete person without having someone by your side, maybe you don’t want to be alone, or perhaps it’s convenient for you to reshape your past history (a story about the past is never completely objective — it can be easy for you to contort it into a situation where you are the victim or not at fault). Only you will really know the reasons why you do it, though it might take some time for you to work it out. The good news is that once you know, it will be like a big shiny key that you can use to undo the habit.
Don’t make it easy for you to slip back into your memories. This means put away (or get rid of) all old photos, love letters & mementos. It also means stop stalking their blog as well as their Myspace, Facebook, Twitter & Flickr accounts! Archive their emails & delete their number from your phone. This can be hard to do, because you feel like you’re severing a connection that might otherwise be fruitful or a source of happiness, but honestly, as long as all those strings & wires remain, you are only hurting yourself, & preventing yourself from moving on with your life.
Some people find it easier to break habits or patterns if they use a kind of ritual. One thing that can be effective is journalling or writing down your thoughts & feelings about your past love life, & then either burning or burying the piece of paper, & making a conscious decision as you do so to let all of that stuff go. Similarly, some people will jot down notes about the things they have difficulty letting go of, then put them in an empty container & bury it somewhere. Though it seems simple, the symbolism behind the act is what makes it so powerful.
You may discover that you have to be hyper vigilant to stop yourself from retreating into your memories. This could mean that whenever you find yourself reminiscing, you practise falling still or use EFT to change your thought patterns. Regardless of the method, you’re going to need to behave proactively — in other words, you’re going to need to want to change it.
As for getting back together with ex-lovers, there is no one blanket solution that works for everyone, but couples tend to break up for a reason — a reason that was significant enough that the relationship didn’t seem worth persevering with. It can be really easy to feel tempted to go back to someone else, especially if you’re feeling lonely or a bit lost in general, but it’s important to maintain perspective & not idealise the relationship you had. Obviously you (or they) left for a reason, so keep that in mind. Write yourself a list of all their terrible qualities & put it in a prominent place if it will help you quash the urge to call them!
If it’s been a really long time & you’re still thinking about them & wanting to get back together with them, consider the circumstances of the break-up & then devote serious time to thinking about how you could both remedy whatever went wrong. If you get back together without doing this, odds are extremely good that the relationship will dissolve soon after due to the problems you had the first time around. This is otherwise known as a huge waste of time & the build-up to a big “duh!” moment! Someone who didn’t communicate isn’t going to suddenly start unless something significant changes, mismatched libidos are pretty much always going to be a problem, & if your ex didn’t respect you before, why would he start now?
You can certainly make enormous strides with couples counselling, EFT or any number of other solutions, but obviously, both people need to be seriously invested in working together to make change, & it can take time, so you need to be sure.
Having said all this, it’s pretty standard to have an ex (or a past relationship) which you use as a yardstick in future relationships. Some people make a major impact on you which never really leaves you. So that’s normal — but not necessarily the sort of thing you should tell your future lovers about!
The main thing to remember is that you should do what genuinely makes you happy. Don’t just react to your life’s circumstances, actually go out there & actively seek out things which really work for you. If you suspect — even a little bit! — that you want to get back together with an ex just because you’re lonely or crave familiarity, do yourself a favour & remove yourself from the situation! That’s not fair on them & hardly a recipe for your own happiness.
Being single might be the absolute best thing for you right now. If the idea of that frightens you, that’s even more reason to embrace it with gusto. Fingers crossed that it gives you the strength & desire to move forward & be excited about your future!
Extra For Experts:
Exercises for letting go of the past. “I do not trust life to lead me, and so I order my life based on my own perspectives of what the past was, and what the future should be.” Awesome.
Letting Go Of Your Past: How To Deal With Your Mistakes & Move On from suite101.com.
The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle — otherwise known as the ultimate book about being in the present.
Love letters & feather headdresses,
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Great article, Gala – thank-you.
Sage advice, lady.
I got this somewhere – of course I don’t remember MY original source, but I’ve found you a link that outlines the idea. In many circumstances where you feel like you were hurt, or where you feel like the victim, it helps to write (that’s why blogging is apparently good for you!).
The idea is emotional mapping and it requires writing a “letter” to the person/situation you feel hurt by – outlining the details of the situation and your feelings, and taking responsibility for any and all actions you’ve made which have contributed to your pain/sorrow/worry/guilt/whatever. In the letter you explain what could have been done differently and you then make the choice then to forgive/move on. It’s really important to actively choose to let go of the situation, by forgiveness or at least by acknowledging the moving-on process.
It also helps to write a letter to yourself, reminding yourself how much you love you, and in essence, agreeing to learn from the situation and learn how to avoid it. A lot of people hold un-recognized guilt and forgiving yourself can be an integral step in your growth!
Of course, not sending the letters is probably a good idea and as you mentioned, many people will bury them or burn them or whatever.
I’ve worked with this emotional mapping idea – both for myself and one of my best friends, and it seems to bring a world of closure that was not otherwise reached.
Here’s a link that outlines emotional mapping:
www.meshe.com/articles/0304.ht…
this is the perfect post at the perfect moment…thank gala!
Oh Gala!
I’ve been a silent reader of your blog for a while but now I have to leave a comment.
It’s almost scary that your new entrys deal with things which matter to me or which are on my mind so unbelievable OFTEN!
(I thought about my ex-boyfriend a lot the last few days but everytime I’m feeling down, I grab my laptop and read iCiNG articles until I feel better.)
I really like your writing, it’s so refreshing and honest.
Keep up your great work!
A bientôt
I think I may have slightly the opposite problem, in that I refuse to look back. I have this weird thing about never regretting anything.
I learn from my mistakes, but I want nothing to do with the past. I just move on. Does that make sense?
It makes me seem a bit cold, I think.
Great response, Gala. I would just like to point out that obsessing about “what ifs” can be a sign of generalized anxiety disorder. It is completely common for people to be aware of all the choices they could have chosen (men) instead of the one they chose (one man in particular) to a certain point. However, once people dwell on these potential choices (ex-boyfriends) so much that they cannot be truly happy and fully accept their current choice (boyfriend), it is no longer healthy. That said, many people (especially women) have anxiety disorders and they can be worked on with cognitive-behavioral therapy and other techniques, such as the ones you mentioned. Unfortunately anxiety disorders are difficult to diagnose and are often mistaken for something else (work stress etc.)
I am not a psychologist, but I do have personal experience with this so I thought I would mention it.
I have had a serious problem with idealizing the past, but what really helped me is the writings of Eckhart Tolle, so I’m glad you posted a link to him. I really liked the videos he and Oprah made discussing each chapter of “A New Earth,” they caused me to view my life in a new perspective.
I recently had a very short term relationship that I ended and I started to get those terrible sad “What If…” feelings because he seemed so cool and I was thinking I would never meet someone like him again. Well, I channeled all of those emotions into a song that I wrote and it turned out great so I am going to enter it into a competition and now I really don’t care if I hear from him ever again because he was a creative inspiration. So I definitely would suggest creating something tangible with all of those sad feelings of loneliness.
I do think it can be very hard to get over a relationship today, however, when an ex may have a myspace, blog, flickr you can look at. This presents a challenge for modern day people.
Really solid advice as usual Gala.
I have to add, being one of the few people I know who is back with an ex (heretofore known as “the boy”), a little of my story.
I met the boy in college, and we were really happy for almost two years, and then things went downhill very quickly. He would snap at me for wanting too much attention. I would belittle his needs and blah blah all the emotional stuff. We spoke on and off for a year and were with other people (I think that part is important, once you see what and who is out there, you’re in a much better place to judge whether you want what you had), and finally talked about getting back together.
We made sure to talk out why we broke up, a lot of it had to do with circumstances, as we were both graduating from university at the time and were so short strung that we took it out on each other, and age. The time apart really helped both of us grow up in our own right and as our own people.
We’ve been back together now for almost a year, and things are great. We talk a lot more, are more respectful of each other’s feelings and flaws, and appreciate our time together since we’ve been apart.
I think communication, real honest communication, is the absolutely most important thing to consider with an ex. They know how to push your buttons, so be wary of sweet talk and make sure they and you, have made real changes before plunging in whole-heartedly.
And now that I’ve told my entire life story in a comment, I’ll end it there.
Birdie! — Thank you for that info on the emotional mapping technique! It sounds like a really good idea :>
sariti — My pleasure, sweetcheeks!
Doctor’s Darling — Thanks :> I hope this article helps you move on to new thoughts!
Trisha — I think as long as you’re learning, that’s fine. In fact, it’s probably preferable. I don’t look much either, but I do learn from my mistakes, & that’s the most important thing!
Anja — Good point honey, thank you!
Elizabeth — Eckhart is great! I’m really glad you channelled all your boy angst into something creative, it is totally the best way to deal with it. When I was getting over a hideous break-up a few years ago, I basically sat in bed writing stories about it until I felt like I had purged it from my system. It was really good for helping me gain perspective & there was also the bonus of it being some of the best writing I’d ever done ;>
Freya — That’s awesome & it’s good to know that getting back together can have a happy ending! I’m pleased you guys have moved forward & worked out your past problems, that’s so great!
Everyone seems to have an ex they either keep getting back together with or can’t forget about…or both. I certainly do, and it can take years to get over someone if you don’t stop thinking about them. A totally life-overhauling change and doing something that scares you is often the best thing. “If the idea of that frightens you, that’s even more reason to embrace it with gusto.” – damn straight, Gala! That’s a great motto for most of life, I think…we should always challenge ourselves. Thanks for the great post lovely!
x
This is a really good, insightful article – excellent work, Gala.
I’ve been here trying to write a useful response for ages now and I just can’t get it right! I’m shyer than Freya and I didn’t want to put “my entire life story in a comment”. Anyway, I’m married to my ex. :)
Worst situation ever :( I think most of us have been in it too. Hope the e-mailer works it all out! xo
I have totally fallen in LOVE with your blog.
kudos to you!!
Gala, it’s so ironic &wonderful that you posted this.
My manfriend&I have been together for 3years this October. There was a period last fall where we were apart for awhile, &I have a hard time letting to of things we both did [with other people, etc.] when we were apart.
He&I actually had a conversation about it &how I could get better at letting things go&leaving the past in the past.
But seeing this really made me feel even more better.
Thank you!
I don’t usually find it necessary to comment on here, but this post has great timing for me right now. Hurrah!
Gala, your posts come all at the right time. Thank you.
Interesting article as always. :D
i feel like you must have been in mind writing this.
i just moved away from home, and have been missing my former boyfriend very much. after reading this i realize that before i call him or send him the letter that i have written, i should give myself some more time to be sure this isn’t out of loneliness. and i almost did forget all the things that made me unhappy about the relationship.
time to revisit those, and see if they’re worth working on and even possible to change.
thank you gala!
Like so many other people commenting, this applies to me so much right now.
It’s scary!
I read this whole article out loud to myself and it really helped me. You’re the best, Gala!
My first day back at college after my summer breakup, I overheard someone talking on his cell phone out my dorm window. One thing he said was “You never really get over someone until you find someone new.”
And I guess that someone doesn’t even need to be a new boyfriend. It could be a friend or a hobby, or a new perspective.
I’m really starting to realize that now.
As much as I want my ex to visit because of a potential revival of our relationship, I’m trying my best to not linger.
But it’s damn hard when every night I dream about him. :[
You’re really right. I’ve minimised the chances of any linkage with my ex because having the links really hurt. Even though we do the same course I’ve found a way never to cross path with him at all. It doesn’t get rid of the hurt, but at least it minimises it.
I would like to get back together with my ex, but I doubt it’ll happen. It happened to my best friend, however she says that it’s never the same. I don’t know if they dealt with the hurt the first time, but she says you carry those scars for a long time.
Ah, you mentioned The Power of Now! My favourite life-changing book of all time. Read it, peeps.
You’ve pretty much covered every aspect, Gala, I’m thinking the reader could do with being single for a while, and learn to love being with the one person who’ll be there forever – herself!
P.S. I always give anything that reminds me of my ex’s to charity. Out of sight, out of mind!
Great advice. The past is the past. Let it go. An ex is an ex for a reason. Things didn’t work out the first time and the chances of them working out now are slim. I too at times sit and think about the what if’s,etc. Then I stop and say to myself, What if’s don’t matter because they never were. :)
Great Job Gala. :)
THX.
My boyfriend and I were deeply in love for 2 months when he dumped me. Nine months later, we got back together and have been more in love than the first time! We’ve been together for a year now. The relationship is so much better than the first time around :) We’re living together now!
Jazial — I also think that a lot of us revert to thinking about our ex’s because it’s a warm safe comfortable memory. I still think about people I was involved with years ago. If you really love(d) someone, they never really leave your head…
Nadine — Oh wow, really? That’s awesome! So you obviously worked out whatever it was that caused you to break up in the first place… !
onchino — Aw, my pleasure, beautiful. Yup, thinking about things that have happened can really trip you up, but if you focus on the present (i.e., “I’m with him now & we’re happy etc.”), you can leave that stuff behind you :>
katia — I’m so glad to be able to help out! Yeah, you should definitely give it a bit more thought before you act on it. Good luck, cutie!
Leanne — It’s good you’ve taken steps to minimise the pain, & that you’re mature enough to do it. Staying “friends” (I put that in quotations because how often is it that simple?) can be the most painful thing of all, but a lot of people see it as the easy or done thing, which is ridiculous.
Ivy — Good book, huh? ;> That’s amazing that you give all that stuff away! I am too sentimental to be able to do anything like that, haha.
Cup — Aww, good for you. I hope you got all your issues from the first time worked out!
Your posts seems to be parallel with my own life situations sometimes.
So here is my story:
I was with a guy for a bit over 3 years (let me call him “L”), things went sour. I wanted his attention, he was being distant. I knew it was ending, so we ended it mutually. We were apart for about a year, and I dated around…but no one compared to him. Sometimes you need to get some space, or lose something to realize it’s true value. Ahhh an age-old saying that still fits perfectly. So I tried to get back in touch, but he told me to move on…and blah blah. We started haning out again and enjoyed eachothers company, so we got back together after about a year apart. Things were really great at first. Back into the “honeymoon” stage. But eventually..things got weird. We were together for about 2.5 years and then.. I started doing the “what if?” thing. I don’t know If I had fear in my subconscious that craved freedom? ..or if it was something completely unrelated.I started talking to a guy (let’s call him “D”) I sort of was seeing when L and I were not together. I knew this guy though.. we were friends in high school, so he wasn’t a complete stranger. But yes, all those “What If’s” were clouding up my mind. See, I am a sucker for foreign guys (he is from Poland), so this made it a bit harder. I just thought about all the fun he and I could have, and I could learn more about his culture etc..
But…lately I miss my long time ex. I have spent time with D, and all my expectations have gone downhill. Sometimes we live in this fantasy world of how we think things should be, and it just all blows up right in our faces!
It’s weird that I also saw my bad qualities in D. But I was also understanding about it, because that would be a bad double standard to get mad at someone who does the same stuff you do yourself.
My best advice for everyone out there is to not live in a fantasy land. And to think about the reasons you broke up with someone in the first place. Re-evaluate the situations. And DO NOT focus on just the good. I notice alot of people only think about the good things when they miss someone. I mean, I am guily of that as well… but it helps to look at everything from every possible angle, good AND bad.
And try to live in the present. I know the present can be boring sometimes, but it is what gets you to a good spot in your future. Something I think about sometimes to help me feel motivated is, the size of us in comparison to the universe. We are pretty much the size of atoms helping to run this place, as the cells in our body power us. It’s crazy, but when you think about the unthinkable..it can be really intriguing…and make you more self-aware.
Also, being single helps me stay more present. I am more solo with everything I do. I am learning more about myself using this time productively.
Sometime I just wish boys didn’t exist though! Such distractions they are!
But yes, thanks for this post!
I’m up there with Freya and Nadine. :)
My ex and I broke up for very good reasons, but realized that we were ultimately wonderful for each other. I’m back with him and now in the most satifying relationship I’ve ever been in.
In my case, I give up too easily when it comes to any kind of relationship. I keep searching for that perfect friendship or romantic relationship that you find in the movies, and I’ve yet to find one. A real relationship requires both people to work at it. Considering the high divorce rate in the US, I wouldn’t doubt that I’m the only person to think like this.
I’m not saying to stay in a bad relationship, but it’s so easy to let something good slip away if you’re not both willing to work for it. :)
ah this was 4 months too late.
ahah
Me three (or four) — I’m married to my ex. Except that we just dated for three weeks or so before breaking up (badly!) the first time around. Bad timing, basically. A year later (no contact, I dated other people) we met up again and the timing was perfect :-)