Living Together
[ 1 November 2007 ]
“I was wondering if you have any advice on moving in with your boyfriend/partner. It seems like a massive step and I’m a bit unsure, we have only been dating for 1 and a half years.”
Yes, moving in with your partner is a big deal, & definitely one that requires some serious thought. You may think the sun shines from your boyfriend’s posterior at the moment, but when you live with someone, you really get to know them. Their real self, not just the parts they feel like showing you. (Ooh err!)
You will learn whether your lover is a “morning person” or not. You will discover their unpleasant habit of leaving half-eaten bowls of cereal around the house. You will become accustomed to tuning out that clicking sound their jaw makes when they eat. You will find out exactly how often they change their underwear, that they have never used an iron in their life & that often, they would rather read a book/surf the internet/sleep than talk to you. You will see them floss, learn more about their ex than your ever cared to know & begin to accept that they never bring a jacket, even when it’s raining.
You will also share everything, whether you like it or not. Bed space, closet space, food, chores, stomach flu & much much more! Believe me when I say it will completely change your relationship.
As well as learning about your lover, you will also learn about yourself. All those little habits you have that you thought were normal (like taking 100 photos of yourself in a strange hat) are now on display, up for appraisal & discussion. Putting the toilet seat down (or leaving it up) & the subtleties of laundry basket aim become serious, debatable topics. You may think I am exaggerating. I am not. People are weird, especially when it comes to changing domestic patterns they have had since childhood.
Here are some realities of living together.
If your partner is an alcoholic or has a substance abuse problem, moving in with them is not clever. It will become your problem too, & an ugly one. Don’t do it. Save yourself.
If your lover suffers from extreme depression or other mental illness, or is one of those people who can’t hold down a job or manage their money, think carefully before committing to sharing your life with them. If they are unable to pay their half of the rent & your name is on the lease, then it is something you need to resolve. This can be unfun & place a huge strain on your relationship. Don’t torture yourself, Gomez!
Discuss finances & chores before you move in together. These are the two major things couples argue about. Who pays the rent? Who pays the bills? Who buys the food? Who loads the dishwasher & who cooks? Who scrubs the toilet? You need to work this stuff out as soon as possible. It’s really easy for people to feel like they are being taken advantage of in these areas, which can build resentment, so make it clear & fair.
Make sure your house has somewhere you can go & just be alone. The first time I lived with a boyfriend, we had a bedroom & a living room, & that was all. When he had his drunk friends over & I was sick of it, the only place I had to go was the bedroom — which was dingy & cramped & depressing. It did not make for a happy Gala. I didn’t really learn my lesson though, as evidenced by the fact that a few years later, another boyfriend moved into my studio apartment with me. We almost killed one another. Don’t make my mistake — rent a place with a spare room so you can be by yourself whenever you want. It will be a total blessing.
The house is only as clean as the dirtiest person! My boyfriend suggested I mention this one. I am not the world’s tidiest girl. I do my best, but it’s something I have to think about. If you are a neat freak, think about how your lover lives & consider yourself warned!
Liking their friends is to your advantage. If you don’t like them, & your lover has a raging social life which includes drinking with their buddies four days a week, you don’t need me to tell you how sad this will make you. You also need to think about whether your partner likes YOUR friends. If they don’t, either you will never see them, or your partner will be irritated. It kind of sucks both ways.
Learn to compromise. What’s more important — you being right or the relationship working? Often, that’s what it comes down to.
It sounds obvious, but you need to like the person you live with! To be clear: there is a difference between liking someone & liking the things they do for you. Think about your feelings & examine them carefully. A man who spends lots of money on you or a woman who gives you the best orgasms of your life might make you happy in the short term, but if your boyfriend goes bankrupt or your girlfriend stops trying to please you so much, you’re going to be left with very little. Being in a relationship with someone who can make you laugh & will support you when the chips are down is priceless.
Communicate with one another & be patient. Everyone is at a different stage in their life — we don’t all grow at the same rate. You might be obsessed with asserting your independence from your parents while your girlfriend isn’t so much. Patience & understanding go a long way.
Think about your lover’s lifestyle. If they are a smoker & you are not, should they smoke inside or outside? Are you going to be annoyed if your clothes & bedding & furniture smell like cigarettes? Work out what you can & cannot deal with. Likewise, if they like to party every night & come home blitzed at 2am, or have religious singalongs in the living room every Sunday, are you going to flip your wig over it?
Living together may seem totally romantic but it also requires you to be an adult, be responsible & cover your ass. If you can’t do that, financial trouble & a broken heart are only two of a million possible hideous outcomes. If you’re not ready for that, stay at home with your parents!
I don’t really think the length of time before you move in together matters. The longer the better, obviously, but it’s not imperative that you wait x months. The first boyfriend I lived with, we had only been together a couple of months (& long distance at that) before I moved to Auckland & into his apartment — & it lasted five years. The second boyfriend I lived with — who I am still with now — moved into my studio apartment after about two months of dating, though there was a lot of back & forth before that. The less you know a person, the harder it is, but it doesn’t mean you’re destined for the scrap heap.
Having said all of this, living together can be really wonderful, especially if the person you’re living with also happens to be your best friend. You can go on midnight adventures, bake hilarious cakes, kiss all the time, lie around in bed all day, take photographs of one another, & really share your life in a way that is impossible if you live apart. It’s great fun & definitely an adventure.
I am a huge advocate of living together (in “sin”!) before marriage. The thought of marrying someone you’ve never lived with makes me feel kind of nervous. I know that in the olden days, living together was a major no-no & if you got married & turned out to be sexually (or otherwise) incompatible, you just had to grin & bear it, because divorce was a sin too, so you might as well just be miserable & get on with it. These days, we are (mostly) free to make our own choices, & in the same way that you would get a car checked out before you bought it, you should also check out your potential husband or wife. Some people are monsters to live with, & not in the good, cute, crazy-hair-in-the-morning kind of way. It’s always advisable to know what you’re getting yourself into before you commit to anything!
If you’re unsure about moving in with your lover, cool your heels & allow yourself some time to think about it. What’s wrong with the situation you have at the moment? If living apart is working for you, why change it? Don’t just move in together because it’s the “done thing” — think about what will be best for your relationship, & act accordingly.
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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God, I wish my roommate had read this before deciding to move in with her boyfriend. I live with the two of them and it’s not exactly a picture perfect situation.
“but when you live with someone, you really get to know them. Their real self, not just the parts they feel like showing you.”
So true! I am really messy and my boyfriend likes things clean which was such a big thing when we moved in together (and sometimes still is).
I found giving up half of my bedroom really hard – having a tv in there (ew, bad feng shui) and making room for his clothes and also not being able to escape into there was hard.
But if you can make it work, it’s so worth it!
I’ve lived with my boyfriend since i met him (though we met in a hostel so i guess it was slightly a given) ... we’ve always had the buffer of hostel buddies (for the first 2 or so months) then flat mates (when we moved into a house) and things have been fine. Of course we fight occasionally, as any couple does, but i agree with you 100% in that i could not imagine making a commitment like marriage having not lived with someone and gotten to know the true them, inside and out, first.
The other thing I realised though, is that as much as I enjoy the company that he provides and knowing that I get to fall asleep and wake up to him each morning – we spend 6 months doing the long distance thing, and I really revelled in my independance in those 6 months. I missed him terribly too, but i learnt to spend almost all my time doing MY things. & i miss that a little now, i’m trying to be careful not to slip into HIS routine and forgo everything i enjoy day to day – to the point that i’m considering moving out to get my space back… i just don’t want to cause too many ripples in the process.
Ok.. now that i’ve finished that novel i’ll leave your dear comments page along ;) love the blog Gala xx
Oh this is such a great article! I moved in with my (ex) boyfriend after two months and it was the biggest mistake of my life!! He was careless with money and pretty much bummed off me for 6 months. And he didn’t eat real food.
Needless to say I got rid of him preeeeeetty quickly.
I wish I had had something like this to read before I made the move.
xx
awesome article. i love your advice.
my bf (of 2 months) and i both want to move… and neither has anyone to move in with, other than each other, so we were apartment hunting together… eventhough EVERYONE has told me to rethink it…
and you just totally underscored every, single, one of my fears. :X
I just got tingles when I saw this article… it is so so timely. I am half living with my boyfriend at the moment, I have my toothbrush and half my wardrobe there but have not made the full committment yet until I finish uni. The thing is, he lives in the same house that he moved into with his ex, who has sinced moved out (obviously) but his flatmates are all her friends. We all get on well, but it freaks me out a bit!
Ah well, I think I’ll just have to bite the bullet and have the conversation.
xxxxx
By the way Gala, the clock on icing needs to be changed for daylight savings!
Go team melbourne xx
Interesting points here.
I disagree that it’s necessary to live with someone before you marry them. I know it’s a big topic… but if it’s a trial, then you’re not seeing what they (and you) are like when committed for the long haul. It’s something more casual, surely? If it’s casual, and there’s no commitment, how can you be secure enough to be open and honest in your communication?
I have been able to tell a lot about (now ex)boyfriends by how they live themselves (or whether they are still living at home, or in some virtual home environment they are too lazy, dependent or afraid to leave!!), enough to know I didn’t want to marry them. I didn’t have to live with them to work that out.
Frankly, I think women have more to lose from living together, and we’ve bought into an easy come easy go way of falling in and out of partnerships. I hesitate to say it in such black and white terms (what I“m saying is don’t bite my head off, please, fellow galadarlingfriends…) but I think we’ve sold ourselves too cheaply.
Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free (one boy wrote that in our valedictory book at law school.. urrrgh)
MissJen
for the longest time my boyfriend and i have lived in a two bedroom place.
we both have our own bedrooms, filled with our own junk, and sleep in which ever bed we want to.
it works well having our own space that we can hang out in, as well as being free to come and go from each room as we please.
jenn — I couldn’t disagree more! What does “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” actually allude to, anyway? Is “buying the cow” marriage? That idea makes me very uncomfortable, since to me it insinuates that women are inferior, that men hold all the power, & that marriage makes a relationship more secure/stable/trusting/real — which it doesn’t. I have never considered living with my boyfriend to be “casual”; the average marriage lasts 7 years, while my ex & I were together for 5 (& probably could have continued indefinitely). To me, that whole save-yourself-for-marriage thing, whether it’s in regard to sex or emotional commitment, is oppressive. It smacks of “The Rules”, which is all about teaching women how to trap men into marrying them. I think the only way we sell ourselves short is by getting involved with people who don’t respect us or treat us the way we deserve. A ring has nothing to do with that. Anyway, I hope you don’t think I’m jumping down your throat or anything, just wanted to provide an alternate opinion!
Length of time spent dating is not really relevant here, I think. Plenty of people live together from the get-go, in the classic flatmates-getting-together scenario. Which I guess means you’re already familiar with your lover’s amusing little quirks!
My own perspective is that living with someone is a big (huge!) commitment and not to be entered into lightly. In this country, living together for 3 years gives you the right to half of the relationship’s assets if you split up. For myself, I don’t see it as a trial run, but as the real deal.
I think if you’re unsure and it feels too scary, then you already know the reasons why.
I don’t want to upset Jenn either, but I find her comment incredibly offensive and misogynistic.
Particularly in insinuating that we ‘sell’ ourselves to be in relationships and the comment likening women to livestock. It harks back to the dark ages when women were literally chattels of thier family to be bought and sold.
If you feel like you are providing sex (or domestic services for that matter) in a relationship without the situation being mutually beneficial, it is not a relationship you should ever be in married or otherwise.
I respect that Jenn is of the opinion that people should not live together before making a commitment, but having that opinion is not authority to make judgements on the value of women who make other decisions.
(Not to mention that not every loving couple is free to make such a commitment in many places in the world.)
Wow, I can’t believe that in 2007 women are still living with their grandmother’s beliefs!
Astounding!
My partner (now husband) and I used to spend half of our weeks at his parents place and the other half at my parents place for around 2 years before we got engaged and moved out to our own place. It was perfect knowing that if you were having a bad week, you could still go and talk to other people around the house and spend time in other rooms doing what you need to do but still be there with each other at the end of the day.
Would these ladies buy a car without test driving it first?
P
x
Hi gals
Yes, I know people have other views, and do things differently. I have no problem with that. I speak only from my own experience and beliefs, and I know I’m well and truly in the minority.
My comment wasn’t meant to be misogynistic, offensive or judgemental of anyone who chooses (like many people) to live together before marriage, if in fact they marry at all.
But I thought it was worth expressing my obviously minority view.
The fact that marriage is not faring too well doesn’t mean the institution is cactus, but possibly that the people entering into it aren’t doing it with full knowledge of what a lifelong commitment means. I know lots of marriages don’t work, and I’m sad about that, because I imagine when both people head up the aisle (in the church, the beach, the park or wherever) they hope/intend that it will. But lots of living togethers don’t last either – higher proportion in fact fail than marriages, at the moment any way.
I’m not discrediting or in any way devaluing what commitment individuals do have in partnerships, or rubbishing what people have had together.
If my language was inelegant, I regret that. Oh, and as for the wee cow – I did say a boy from uni wrote it in our yearbook. Not me!
MissJenn
PS, the car analogy doesn’t hold water.
My mother lived with my stepfather for 8 years before finally marrying him. Do I blame her? Do I think she sold herself “cheaply”? Hell no. In fact, I respect her more for that and it’s what I would do also. I think that living with someone shows you more about that person. Seeing how a guy lives when he’s in his own space, for me, doesn’t show me how the guy (or girl) would act when living with me. Even if the person has roommates (I had 2 in college and both were messy…in the dorms they were clean as whistles). So as you can tell, I’m a firm believer in living with someone first before taking the dive but also thinking it through first if you really want to live with them.
So, Gala, my love. I agree with your article wholeheartedly.
look, i mostly disagree with what Jen said and i REALLY dislike that cow line, but there is absolutely no way that choosing not to live with your partner (and/or to not have sex with them) is oppressive or grandmotherly.
i know a lot of people including some close friends and family who didn’t live with their partner (and didn’t even move out of home! though that’s another story) before they got married. and all their marriages are going fine.
personally, i had never lived alone with just my husband and i before we were married, though we did live in sharehouses and with my parents for a while, so i got to see what he would be like to live with.
my experience is not like E. Black’s, in that my husband’s behaviours didn’t change much from when we lived with others to just living on our own, but i agree with you Gala that it’s good to be prepared (get your girlscout on!) so if i was to give advice, it would be to spend as much time as possible in ‘real world’ situations – so if not living together, then at least spending time at each other’s places, with each other’s family and friends etc.
I’m so glad I decided to live with my boyfriend. You get to know the real them, deeply and truly. It can make you love them more, or decide that it probably wouldn’t be for the best to commit your entire lives to each other in marriage. I know I will live with my boyfriend (this one, or an future unforeseen ones) before marrying him.. as to make damn sure we can withstand the hardships and have a great life together. I would hate to find out that after marrying my loved one I couldn’t stand living with him!
lcmo — Choosing not to live with your partner isn’t oppressive at all, but feeling like “oh my god if I live with him without marrying him he’ll never marry me & I’m a whore!” is ;>
i think living together ultimately comes back to compatibility and respect. Regardless of if you live together or not, if there are certain areas in which your and your partner are not necessarily “compatible”, they will no doubt come to the fore at some stage in your relationship anyway. Use your instincts when you are making your decision about moving in together and dont “brush over” things in your mind that could potentially escalate and cause huge dramas down the track. For instance, if your boyfriend is the kind of guy who won’t call you all weekend until he needs to be picked up from somewhere or borrows money and never repays you – you would know deep down that he doesnt have a whole lotta respect for you. And this will play out when you are living together too -no doubt you’ll find youself cleaning up after him, paying his bills etc! No thanks! If you see the relationship as a casual thing (and can already see the “used-by” date in your head!) then i suggest saving yourself the drama of not only having to break up the relationship sometime soon, but also having to “break up” your home life. On the flip side, if you are with the ‘Man of Your Dreams’ and can’t see it ending anytime in the next eternity, then why not take the chance and guide each other over any stumbling blocks….you are a team and communication will get you through if your bond is strong! Logic says that if you are with Mr Right, eventually you will be living together anyway…why not find out each other’s quirks now and learn to compromise?!
I have actually been on both sides of the fence – once with a boy who was a TERRIBLE boyfriend and, in hindsight, had not one bit of respect for me (lets just put it down to me being young and naive! ha!) and now i am with an amazing man (who i have lived with since the very beginning of our relationship 18 months ago) and we have never so much as raised our voices at each other! Our key to happiness really is “not sweating the small stuff”, understanding each other, and always communicating!
Anyway petals – sorry for the rant! GOSSSSH!!! I wish you all much HARMONY in your living arrangements!!
xxx
Gala, this is fantastic advice (as always!)
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I would LOVE to move in together, but he is hesitant, and it is actually for a decent reason.. We have much in common when it comes to “living condition” preferences (level of cleanliness in the house, state of the bathroom/kitchen, noise levels, appropriate partying, pets, cooking, etc.).. BUT we are also both very creative people who REALLY need alone time sometimes (it is of maximum importance to sanity, as you mentioned above!)
Since rent is so ridiculously high here right now, we cannot currently afford an apartment that would allow us both to have the space we need (I am a student/writer/artist and he is a musician/writer, so the ideal space would have a bedroom, a spare room, and a music studio, as well as the normal living areas)... We know very well that if we were crammed together into a small space with no escape, 24 hours a day, all of our patience and love still wouldn’t save us from eventual KABOOM!
So, long story short, we are being patient, and living apart for now, and making the most of it until we can find a space that suits. I think it’s a smart decision. (But still, I can’t wait to be snuggled every night… :)
fair point Gala! :)
It’s sort of weird – I have trouble relating to a lot of this discussion, because I don’t really believe in marriage. Why does one need a piece of paper to certify that you are indeed in love? And why is this piece of paper only afforded to those in heterosexual partnerships (in most of the world, anyway)? If I were in a relationship with a girl, I wouldn’t even have the OPTION to get married.
It reminds me of a line from a song I like – “I don’t believe in the things that don’t believe in me.” Why would I be interested in an institution that ignores my rights? And heck, even if gay marriage were legal, I’m still not sure I would be interested! I really don’t see why I need some governmental or religious organisation sactioning the love between my partner and I.
Hi
I’m disturbed by the implication that my views are equating living together with thinking of oneself or others as a whore…
This might be of interest. Andrea Dworkin had something to say about the sexual revolution – she’s quoted in this extract from wikipedia on feminism.
“These developments in sexual behavior have not gone without criticism by some feminists. They see the sexual revolution primarily as a tool used by men to gain easy access to sex without the obligations entailed by marriage and traditional social norms. They see the relaxation of social attitudes towards sex in general, and the increased availability of pornography without stigma, as leading towards greater sexual objectification of women by men. Catharine MacKinnon and Andrea Dworkin gained notoriety in the 1980s by attempting to classify pornography as a violation of women’s civil rights.”
Cheers all
I have been with my Boyfriend since March, and in July we moved in together and it was the best thing i could of done, we share everything cooking/chores the shopping and bills. He is aware that i have some money problems and is happy to pay the rent etc
i try and pay the phone bill and the electric bill when i can.
he Hoovers for me i have never had to hoover in this apparement!! and i do most of the cooking and cleaning. If i feel tired he will cook for me.Yes we have arguments but its good to have them and get everything out in to the open.
The following, from wikipedia, on feminism, might be of interest.
“These developments in sexual behavior have not gone without criticism by some feminists. They see the sexual revolution primarily as a tool used by men to gain easy access to sex without the obligations entailed by marriage and traditional social norms. They see the relaxation of social attitudes towards sex in general, and the increased availability of pornography without stigma, as leading towards greater sexual objectification of women by men. Catharine MacKinnon and Andrea Dworkin gained notoriety in the 1980s by attempting to classify pornography as a violation of women’s civil rights.”
My view does not equate living together with thinking of oneself or others as a “whore”.
Greatest. Picture. EVER.
“If you see the relationship as a casual thing then i suggest saving yourself the drama of not only having to break up the relationship sometime soon, but also having to “break up” your home life.”
So true!! I stayed with my ex (who was a disrespectful, cheap bastard!) a lot longer tan I should have simply for the fact that I couldn’t afford to move out.
I think people have to remember that living together (married or not) is never going to ‘save’ a relationship. It’s the same as having a baby or buying a pet or a car together – if there are cracks in the relationship work on fixing them before making major life decisions, or your relationship will tear apart and leave you with a place you can’t pay for alone or even worse, having to get all your stuff out in a hurry.
This article gives great cross gender advice which I certainly agree with. I am no traditionalist to be sure, but I do know from my own experience and experience of friends, that the worst possible thing you could do is move in with a partner less then 12 months into the relationship.
The first 2-3 months of a relationship you are seeing that person at their absolute best behavior (which you will never see again because everyone gets LAZY). If you make it past that, the next 5-6 months you get a genuinely more relaxed feel to the other person, but you both can still walk away with your hearts and wallets intact (so you are starting to settle into behaviors you both feel comfortable with). From then on to the 12 month mark, you get to see who they really are because each of you is around for a long haul (you have settled into patterns that are expected, and not easily broken without huge repercussions). In my humble opinion of course, that is why you should never move in before the 12 month mark. You will miss too many stages of the relationship.
Further, in my humble opinion, if there isn’t a major commitment at the 24 month mark… like moved in / married / much bigger commitment (whatever that might be)… both people need to move on. If you either of you haven’t figured out what you are doing after 2 years, its time to stop wasting each others time.
I have lived with 2 boyfriends and it ruined the relationships (however, it was nice to end it sooner than later, I suppose…) – I really have no aspirations to live with another partner again unless we REALLY mesh and there is lots of space. I have a hard enough time living with roommates…or NEIGHBOURS.
However, I lived with 19 people once, living with 2 roomies is much more tolerable, and I am lucky we all get along so well (considering we were strangers when we moved in together).
In reference to the Wikipedia entries, I’d prefer not to think of myself or for others to think of me as being a simply ‘a woman’ as if this title says it all. The world is not made up of 2 groups, males and females, but of individuals. I am an individual and while stereotypes are inevitable, and often useful, propositions which rely on them should never be trusted.
My bf and i have lived together this year and it didn’t work out, i’m not going to live with him next year and we may even break up. But I don’t regret it. I think I can be a better, healthier person without him and it’s inspired me to do what’s best for me. I wouldn’t have known this had we not lived together. Marriage and til death do we part sounds very romantic, but it doesn’t happen much these days and i don’t see this as being a bad thing. People only live once and it would be terribly sad to spend your life in a situation that made u unhappy. i don’t doubt that many marriages in years past only lasted because people felt they had no other option. What a sad thought. Sure relationships and living together takes work, but a person should never sacrifice their happiness because they signed a piece of paper.
Sorry I got a bit off topic here but it’s something I think about quite a bit. I don’t like to think that people do things certain ways just because that’s the way it was done in the past. Life has no rule book!
If u want to live with yr bf and believe that he will respect u and treat u well, then give it a go. u can always get out if things get bad, and hopefully you learn from experience.
Amazing picture and nice response on 10.
This is definitely an article that should be put into a little guide book and handed out at uni’s and high schools etc.
Your points gave me time to sit and reflect on the truly wonderful moments I have had living with a partner, and the pitfalls.
Quite encompassing.
It was fun to again think on all the interesting quirks and the midnight adventures, funny cakes etc :D
Mmmm cupcake
Fabulous article gala. I do not necessarily agree that you must move in together to see if you and your lover are compatible. But it is Super super important to see your bf/gf in many different situations before making any kind of commitment ie moving in together or other.
Different situations do not include magical wonderful picnics at the park, and candle-lit dinners. In those types of situations you only see “the best” side of that individual. Pop over to their house unexpectedly and you might see a very different person. Even in a situation like meeting their friends of even their parents you can see their different sides.
And seriously meeting someone’s parents especially if your getting married is SOOo so important. Case in point my mom didn’t meet my dads parents before they got married. After the marriage she flew out to meet them and found she COULDN’T stand them.
Also in going to your bf/gf’s parent’s house you can see the atmosphere they grew up in, whether their parents are neat, whether their parents can cook, and how controlling their parents are.
On the issue of being respected, and I think everyone pretty much knows this, but my mom told me that if your man treats his mom with respect & affection he’ll probably treat you the same way. So ya, this was pretty long winded but I’m done.
Lots of lovins, lolipops, baloons and other wonderful things !
Fab topic as usual!
I had one of the fabled ‘love at first’ sight experiences, and brought him home the first night we met – and he never left.
That was 7 years ago, we grew up together. The situations changed a million times over. We lived in dorm rooms, his parents place, with me paying the rent, with him paying the rent, lots of money, no money etc.
When you have something worth holding on to – you learn how to compromise and be flexible.
To celebrate our 7 year anniversary of the day we met/moved in together, we are getting married.
I’m not trying to sugar coat, we constantly have opposing views, and stubborn personalities to boot! But when it works it works, and love will find a way.
Lovely entry, Gala, and great discussion. I don’t have much to add, except to chime in and say that I agree with all your points.
What I really wanted to say here is that I absolutely love the photo you picked out to go with the entry – so perfect.
oh gala,
i’ve been thinking about this so often lately. thank you for this wonderful article, sharing your advice and experiences! (:
Great article.
In response to Xenomorph’s comment:
I feel like putting time restrictions on commitments or relationships is missing the point. In the past I have said I wouldn’t move in with someone without dating for 2 years and I wouldn’t marry without being together for 5. Then, I got together with my current boyfriend and I found myself asking him to look for a place with me after only 4 months. It was surprising to me, but I just knew it would work out. It’s been 2.5 years and the living situation allowed each of us to improve our quality of life significantly and our complementary skills have meshed well (He likes to cook and I like to clean). I probably would still wait 5 years to marry someone but I am less focused on setting that time limit for myself, or alternately, requiring myself to make a decision after X amount of time.
I definitely think that moving in together is a serious decision and should only be made with someone you are committed to being in a long-term relationship with. This means that you understand that a relationship can be hard work and you’re committed to working on it. I think this is the issue that Jenn was commenting on- I didn’t read her comment as being misogynistic but rather she was just commenting on the lack of commitment in a lot of modern relationships and how many times that is the most important factor in keeping a relationship going. However, commitment and marraige can be exclusive to each other- you don’t need to be married to be committed.
You have absolutely no idea how helpful this article is to me! You posted it at exactly the right time! I recently moved to the Midwest and got together with my current boyfriend the day I did (we’d talked for months before), and not just over two months into the relationship he’s asked if I’d like to move out of my dorms and into his apartment with him. I was very iffy about it, and very nervous, not because we’re incompatible (we both clean a lot and use the computer a lot and smoke and etc), but because i’m a horrible pessimist about relationships and i feel like we’ll hate each other simply because we’ll get bored of each other the moment we move in together.
Thank you for helping me to consider this more responsibly and clear-mindedly. I don’t know what I’d do without you!
I’m living with my beautiful boy at the moment, we’ve been together for one and a half years now. We were only 9 months into the relationship that we decided to move in together. It just seemed really natural for us that it didn’t require a lot of thought.
It was an unspoken understanding that we keep a lot of things separate like our possessions (we do share though!) and that we split the bills equal ways. After reading your article, I’m actually really grateful my boy isn’t a complete weirdo about his domestic habits! I think I’m the one with more quirks than he, hahaha. Hopefully I don’t drive him up the wall… too much. D:
However, none of my relatives on my mum’s side of the family know I live with him, because if they ever did, I’d probably be looked down upon for “living in sin.” Not only are they prudish Chinese, they’re prudish Catholics, too!
Great article, fantastic advice! My partner and I are also ‘half-living’ together, we have been since about a month and a half into our relationship. We’re together 7 nights a week most weeks, and that works for us, I see his mess and we brush our teeth together, I see his holey underwear and sigh and shake my head and tell him he needs new underwear but know he won’t get round to buying it himself, and I KNOW he won’t clear up his dirty dishes or put away the cooking stuff without being reminded to. Likewise, when we’re at my house, he sees my beads scattered across my bedroom, the chinchilla poo around the cages that I haven’t had a chance to vacuum yet, rejected clothes from that morning strewn across the floor – we’re used to all this from eachother. BUT – we’re moving in together next year (when he’s finished uni all together, and I’m done for the year), and to top that, we’re moving to a whole other city – even though we’ve been mostly living together for so long, it’s still scary! So thank you for the tips Gala – I feel prepared for the physically messy, bad habits side of things, but can’t help but worry about the emotional side of things – particularly being in a new city, when I’ve lived in this town all my life, and how he’ll cope with my pets when he’s faced with them all the time!
A really great article! Well, I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 2 years now, and although we don’t tick some of the boxes of the article (for instance we are living in a studio …)it goes really well. Of course it would be nice to have more space and also a room where one of us can be by her- or himself, but for now we have been able not to attack each other with kitchen utensils (at which we have been as surprised as the next person … ;-)).
I think it comes down to really liking each other, knowing each other and respecting the other’s space and some basic principles of courtesy and respect. (Like letting the other read/watch TV/surf on the net or whatever in peace when you sense they need a bit of mental distance and vice versa, or not letting too much stuff clog up your already precious amount of space.)
The article also reminded me of my worst experience of living with someone, which was with a (now former!) female friend of mine. I think when living together in a shared flat, a lot of things can surface that you didn’t really see/ or want to see in a friendship or relationship. It is just as important to think really carefully when moving in with a friend and make sure that expectations match and things are arranged fairly and whether the person you are going to live with (or whether you are) is ready for compromises or not. Because being able to compromise will be on the daily agenda, and if small things done differently will get you or the other in a rage and if you or the other always need to be right, living together will become unbearable. I think if you or your friend/partner are like that, you/they are better off living alone, at least until you/they are ready to change your/their perspective.
Jenn quoted the Wikipedia entry on feminism “These developments in sexual behavior have not gone without criticism by some feminists. They see the sexual revolution primarily as a tool used by men to gain easy access to sex without the obligations entailed by marriage and traditional social norms.”
What the wikipedia writer fails to note is that the sexual revolution has also given women potentially easy access to sex without the obligations entailed by marriage.
I feel the view of men seeking casual and easy sexual encounters, while women seek commitment, domesticity, and being ‘taken care of’ to be out-dated and no longer relevant. In recent times it is not uncommon for women to seek casual sexual partners, in the same way that men have done for years. In contrast, there are also many men who seek committed, stable relationships, and are not looking for ‘easy sex’.
Ah, Gala, such a great topic! My guy and I have been living together going on 7 years now and it’s great.
Can I add my two cents here? One of the best ways I got to know my guy was going on vacation together. We were the best of friends from the first, spent weekends at each others’ places (even each others’ family homes – unusual, maybe?), but the 14 days of travelling to and biking in the Utah desert with a couple of close friends were super revealing!
I didn’t know how messy he would be when we moved in together. We still fight about it. He’s getting better, but know that this takes years to change/achieve a compromise where everyone is happy.
We had separate bedrooms in our first apartment. We still snuggled up together at night, but having our own space meant we had an island of “ME” in the middle of all this “US.” It was his idea and it was brilliant.
For the first three years, we also lived with roommates. One of the cheapest arrangements I’ve ever found is the three people/two bedroom arrangement. The couple takes the master bdr but everyone splits the rent equally, three ways. There’s a significant increase in space over a one-bedroom and it’s quite often cheaper than sharing a one-bedroom, as the price doesn’t go up all that much, and you have an extra person to pay. To make this work, however, you’ve got to be a relaxed couple and save the kissy-face for private space. And it’s best if the roomie is someone you both like and respect, and you do things together, all three of you, so you all have a relationship together. We’ve always been the foodies, so we made dinners for our roomies and ate together nightly.
Anyhow, that’s my two cents. Best of luck to those facing the moving-in dilemma. It’s scary, but it can work out so wonderfully!
hey sweet heart! as you know i moved to chch and was initially gonna find a place to live that wasn’t with my boyfriend cos everything was so new. but yeah i ended up staying here and we have lived together for a year so far and its mondo awesome!
that thing you said about having a spare room is the best cos its so true that in a small place you can’t get out of each others way, and that is seriously important.
miss you. i’ll be sending you xmas cheer in the mail :)
“If your lover suffers from extreme depression or other mental illness, or is one of those people who can’t hold down a job or manage their money, think carefully before committing to sharing your life with them.”
As someone living with a mental illness, I find this statement incredibly insulting. Most of us crazies, even those of us with “extreme depression”, manage to live fulfilling and productive lives. To insinuate that we are a) somehow defective, like people who “can’t hold down a job or manage their money” and b) incapable of maintaining a decent relationship, is ridiculous.
“Don’t commit to someone who is mentally ill,” is one of the worst, most prejudiced pieces of advice I have ever heard from a relationship columnist. I suggest you do your research on mental illness and those of us who live with it (“suffer from” is rather derogatory too) rather than making sweeping generalisations.
Anji — I didn’t say “don’t”, I said “think carefully”. It’s right there in the quote. Regardless of how “sane” your partner is, you still need to use your noggin before you move in with them.
Great article. My now-fiance and I lived long distance for two years and then lived in the same university apartment building for another two before getting an apartment together (we got engaged after moving in). Living in the same building was so helpful since we were together often and shared meals and meal costs, etc.
The only thing I’d change about my situation is to have more money! He’s stuck fronting most of the bills because he has a real job and makes 10x more than my sorry grad-student ass. But it’s give and take, and we talked about it first. Anyway, great article!!
Gala, when you say think carefully before committing to someone who is mentally ill, im guessing you mean men who are abusive towards women, as this form of mental illness rates the highest in destroying relationships? (check stats) However, like Anji writes, there are many forms of mental illness and most people will experience some form of mental and emotional struggle in their lives, and its only human to be human. We are all in on it together and it’s a wonderful thing to support and love each other through the inevidible trials of life. There is a lot of ignorance and stereotyping towards mental illness, and like every topic, there is no remedy better than being open minded and self educated.