Marriage -- The Final Frontier

[ 8 April 2007 ]

If you were going to ask someone to marry you, how would you do it? If you already have, or someone has asked you, how did it happen? What are your thoughts on marriage in general?

My boyfriend asked me after we had been going out for about two weeks. We were in Melbourne on a holiday (yes, an international holiday after two weeks), walking around the city, thinking about moving here. We were having an amazing time & every night he would read to me from The Tao Of Pooh until I fell asleep. As we walked around, we found ourselves outside the registry office, & he asked me to marry him. At first I didn’t believe him. I was SO surprised, it blew my mind, but I was scared & I did the math (I was only 22, we have a big age gap & we’d only been going out for a couple of weeks), so I said no. He has since said that he’s asked once, he’s not going to ask again, so I guess it’s up to me if that’s a step I want to take!

I think marriage is kind of weird. That whole idea of binding yourself to somebody for life seems antiquated & impractical to me. I think I will probably be involved with various people throughout stages of my life. I feel like being married (as opposed to just living with someone or being together in general) adds this crazy layer of social conditioning to a relationship where it then becomes a big deal to break it off. You have to “get divorced”, which has a large amount of stigma for many people, especially if you’re young. The idea of being a 25-year-old divorcee is amusing for about three minutes. Then it’s something you have to live with. If you’re just living together, it’s easier — you just move out, there are no legalities or paperwork to get involved in (normally). I think that kind of thing is very limiting, it may prevent people from growing or changing because they can see where it might lead.

I do like the idea of stepping a relationship up a level though — so you’re not just someone’s girl- or boyfriend — but the idea of a “life partner” or a “civil union” leaves me cold. So I’m somewhere in the middle, muddling my way through, trying to decide what I think is right for me personally.

I remember when I was a kid I would go to my friend’s house & we would have “underwater tea-parties”. The idea was that you’d jump in the pool, sink to the bottom, cross your legs, pretend to drink tea from an invisible teacup & talk to one another. It came out mostly as “burble burble”, but I think asking someone underwater would be pretty awesome.

The idea of asking your lover something which is that important in a strange environment really appeals to me. On a hot air balloon ride, while playing midnight croquet or as you lie down together in a secret treehouse — I think that would be wonderful. I also love treasure hunts & adventures & secret hints & clues, so maybe making your own fortune cookie or writing it on the petals of a sunflower or something would be cool.

I love that scene in Sex & The City (sorry to people who don’t like it) when Aiden asked Carrie to marry him. She knew it was coming but he took her completely by surprise. He asked her to come out with him while he walked his dog, & in the middle of the street, he knelt down to do something to his dog’s collar & said, “Here, hold this” while she was looking away. She was expecting to be given the dog’s leash, but he placed the engagement ring box in her hand instead. It was so cute.

My parents’ story about getting married is really romantic. My mother saw a ring she liked. The end.

Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala

Tags: gala, inspiration, life, madame, monsieur, question

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my husband asked me while i was sleeping, and i said no.

he asked again later, while we were riding around on a city bus, and we talked about how completely absurd the idea was…and then we realized we kind of like the absurd, and we wanted to have a big party. we got married less than 30 later!

we used this quote from the movie ‘frida’ in our ceremony:

“I don’t believe in marriage. No, I really don’t. Let me be clear about that. I think at worst it’s a hostile political act, a way for small-minded men to keep women in the house and out of the way, wrapped up in the guise of tradition and conservative religious nonsense. At best, it’s a happy delusion – these two people who truly love each other and have no idea how truly miserable they’re about to make each other. But, but, when two people know that, and they decide with eyes wide open to face each other and get married anyway, then I don’t think it’s conservative or delusional. I think it’s radical and courageous and very romantic.”

xoxo,
sarah
Sarah · Apr 8, 06:01 PM · #
That is a beautiful quote.
Gala · Apr 8, 06:04 PM · #
i think marriage is nice. i dont think it has to signify a change in your relationship. i don’t think that when you get married, your whole world should be turned upside down from the transition from girlfriend-to-wife. i just think it’s a nice way to show everyone how dedicated you are a person. saying that, i don’t think marriage is NECESSARY to show your love. if you can’t show a person your love without getting married, then DON’T marry them because they clearly aren’t the one.
i do think weddings are horribly romantic, though.
carleen · Apr 9, 02:19 AM · #
haha, good article my dear! now that i’m going on three years of marriage, i can safely say that i could have done/and can do without the title. i feel that (esp for younger couples) the title puts too many expectations and pressures on the new wife and husband, some things that each person may not be ready for (even if they thought they were). i was young when i said yes, but now that i’m older and realize that a title is just a title and love will bloom no matter what, i don’t find the whole act necessary, either way you will love the person or not, i do think marriage is something that should be taken with the utmost seriousness though, but i think too many people rush into it, including my husband and i who feels the same way (even if he won’t directly admit it, he indirectly admits haha). Unfortunately for us, his mother had a huge role in all aspects of the engagement and wedding, from picking out my ring to picking the priest, everything happened so fast within two weeks because he was only home on leave, it would have been wiser to wait it out i believe, but it happened because it was meant to and i guess that’s how fate works and now we’ll just have to see where life takes us :D
Mae Jane · Apr 9, 02:51 AM · #
Well, as I’m now involved with someone I could (one day, far away) see myself marrying, I don’t know how I feel about marriage. I know that some people can go without a marriage license and be together forever (like Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn), but I think there may be a point in my life where I’ll want the ceremony of being bonded with the person I love, with the people I love around us. I do believe in living together for awhile first, obviously, and a nice long engagement. I think so many people just jump into things too quickly and don’t take time to consider all the consequences. Honestly, I’m nowhere close to getting into a commitment like that, so I don’t feel like I need to get all these feelings sorted out anytime soon.
Kristen · Apr 9, 04:32 AM · #
I believe in marriage, and I don’t think it has to change anything in a bad way. In fact, it changes things in a very good way sometimes… knowing that you are going to stick together through thick and thin is powerful stuff.

As far as proposals… I have been on the reciving end of a few, none of them were that elaborate (and obviously only one actually got a yes answer). The one that ended in marriage happened at the restaraunt of our first date, and he was very sly about asking. It went something like “well, we have a place lined up to live, and a date set, and we love each other… will you marry me?”. I got my ring about a week before our wedding date. :)
Aimee · Apr 9, 05:11 AM · #
I suppose I can’t say that I am anti-marriage because I am married but I definitely understand your points. Part of me felt that my relationship with Craig was not taken as seriously as others blah blah blah.
I also don’t find much stigma with divorce. Craig and I had been together 5 & a half years when we got married so even if we did split up pre-marriage we would still be very very linked. It’s like he’s always been there.

When Craig and I got married I chose two very specific quotes, one from Rilke who said ‘A good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other the guardian of solitude’
And the other by Madelein L’Engle ‘To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take. If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people thing, a rejection of freedom, rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession but participation. It takes a lifetime to learn another person. When love is not possession but participation then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.’

I was young, (22) and part of me also thought it was interesting and alternative because there are not many modern & wholly non-religious people who get married so young.

We also both came from families where our parents have been married more than 30 years. In fact my parents started dating when they were 14 and are still together. So my view of relationships & marriage is different from say, a close friend of mine who saw her father beat and leave her mother (that’s not to say that it colours her relationships all too much).

The one thing that I don’t like? people assuming that Married = Making babies! Neither Craig nor I are ready for that at all yet. If I so much as smile at a baby in our group of family friends SOMEONE is bound to make a comment about me being clucky. Which I am not, I’m just deviating from my bitchy-as-hell norm (I kid, I kid with the bitchy as hell part).

And thus, I end my novel.
Sarah-Rose · Apr 9, 08:55 AM · #
I think I’ll try to marry, should I have the chance, both because I want kid and because I want a husband to look after. Besides, I like the idea of a life stable enough to allow a wedding.
Phalene · Apr 9, 08:57 AM · #
I’ve thought about this…but I don’t think I want to be the one asking (he should).

I want to get married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator.
Carmen · Apr 9, 12:13 PM · #
I guess I have this vague notion that some people jump into marriage because they want security — unhealthy dependence or clinginess, etc. Like, “if I marry someone I won’t be alone!”. That makes me feel very uncomfortable. I feel the same way about women who want babies at a really young age, a lot of the time I think it is just about them wanting unconditional love from someone, ANYone. Which is a really bad reason to do anything.

My parents have been married about 25 years, & they have a pretty good relationship. I know so many people whose parents are divorced or didn’t even like each other, it really messes kids up.

That’s okay though, I don’t think I want to have kids :>
Gala · Apr 9, 01:22 PM · #
I personally don’t see the need to rush into marriage, especially since adolescence has been prolonged into the 20s now. I have had a bunch of friends become engaged before they turned 23, and soon afterward they projected the pressure of marriage onto me – ie when was I going to get married and have kids, etc etc. Funny thing is none of their engagements lasted and caused more strain that joy.

Luckily enough, I have a partner to agrees with my opinion on marriage – and we’re both waiting to see if we’re together at 28. If so, looks like we’ll probably go the next step and make it legal. With him being the product of divorce (twice in fact!) and me having parents who’ve been together for over 30 years, we both have the same vision of being in a happy, long lasting marriage, however wary we are. Both of us have asked each other time and time again to get hitched, or talk about the future like we will be hitched, but when it all boils down its a game of emotion really – you know deep down somewhere who is the right person, and when is the right time. I’d like to think that my other half and me will stay like this forever, but who knows what the future can hold. I’d rather see a relationship as fluid than set myself up for a possible broken heart.

Maybe I’m odd, but I find being alone more liberating than being partnered up – less worry and responsibility to others, and more freedom for you in general. But when the love monster bites, it makes it hard to resist that person, sadly.

Sorry, I ramble a lot :)
Maddy · Apr 9, 07:11 PM · #
I didn’t hear my husband when he proposed to me! It was about 2am and we were in bed, just staring at each other, and I don’t know why but I knew he was going to ask me to marry him. We had only been together about four months, though we were living together already. My heart started beating really fast and loud in my ears and I started panicking, because I knew he was about to ask me and I knew I was going to say yes, and I was terrified. I was so busy freaking out that I somehow missed the part when he actually asked me out loud. Eventually he said ‘Well?’ and I said ‘Well you have to ask me properly first’ and he said ‘What? I just did!’. So I made him ask me again, about 20 times just to make sure, and I said yes like I thought I would.

It was soon, but I was sure that I was a better person with him than I was alone — more content and happy and I actually feel more freedom to be myself with his support, than I do alone. I doubted myself more when I was single. Someone else believing in you totally is very liberating.

I’m not sure we would have gotten through Visa hell, immigration and stuff, if we hadn’t been engaged. It gave us something solid to cling to when everything else seemed completely uncertain. I think that might be the point of being married, to me. An element of constancy through all the changes life brings.

I could prattle on forever. Marriage is my latest obsession! Two good books:

what no one tells the bride
http://www.amazon.co.uk/What-One-Tells-Bride-Surviving/ dp/078688262X/ref=sr_1_1/203-4327826-7616727?ie=UTF8 &s=books&qid=1176110821&sr=8-1

the meaning of wife
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Meaning-Wife-Anne-Kingston/ dp/0749926007/ref=sr_1_1/203-4327826-7616727?ie= UTF8&s=books&qid=1176110826&sr=8-1
Annabel · Apr 9, 09:39 PM · #
When I started going out with my fiance, marriage was already ion the agenda – otherwise, why go out together? Why be together with someone if you couldn’t potentially see yourself marrying them?

We picked the ring together, as she can be indecisive. The shop assistant was very helpful, and made the decision easy. But the ring wasn’t available that day. They would ring me when it was ready. So I didn’t tell her when I had collected the ring.

We went off for a drive, and visited the only aquarium in Northern Ireland (which gave us a ferry ride, too), then went to Tollymore Forest Park. This was a special place for us, as we went for walks there even before we had started going out officially. As we were going to the place I was going to propose, a friend texted to say he had proposed that afternoon too (how freaky!)

We arrived at ‘The Hermitage’ – a small cosy rocky hut overlooking a waterfall in the forest. I told her I had something for her. Her eyes lit up with expectation, as I pulled out a packet of Jelly Tots (sweets we both liked). Her face fell again (ok, so this might have been slightly cruel). But then I said, but I have something else, and there, in the hermitage, in the forest, in the rain, I asked her to marry me. And she said yes! You can see my original blog posting about it at http://garymcmurray.blogspot.com/2006/06/lynsey-will-you-marry-me.html
Gary · Apr 9, 10:50 PM · #
I believe marriage is awesome, when thought out right, & with the right person of course. This is because I’m surrounded by examples of successful, happy marriages in my family. For example,

My cousin is 1 part of a DREAM couple…they are so in love, you can’t help but notice. And they’ve been married for more than a decade.

My parents, too, are this daily example I see of a beautiful marriage.

But you definitely have to be very courageous and faithful in your love, to take the plunge! :)
[a} · Apr 9, 11:31 PM · #
Well… let me preface this by saying, wow! lots of really interesting thoughts! I love reading everybody’s comments.

In either case, as of right now I have absolutely no plans to get married. I like my current boyfriend, + intend to spend a while with him, but I am still in university! I am just getting to know myself, why think about binding myself to somebody at the moment?

Part of the reason I am opposed to marriage for myself is that it’s the idea mentioned above of marriage = babies. I can’t stand children, and I’d hate to have a creature in this world that is stuck with me which knows I resent it. Plus my lifestyle blah blah blah…

The only way I could see myself raising a child is with another woman. Which may sound odd, but who cares anyway? I don’t have to make this decision now.

:)
Beth · Apr 10, 11:54 AM · #
I’m only 18 and have only had one serious relationship, so the thought of marriage is distant to me.

Call me old fashioned, but I would like to get married and raise children as a stay at home mom. I have personal ambitions, am in college and plan on starting my career when I get out- but I want to put it on hold to raise a couple of children and be a home maker when I get married.

As for being sure so and so is the one- you’ve got me. My parents have a really strong marriage (going on 30 years), and they said they just knew they were meant to be together forever. I guess I’ll be looking out for that feeling.
Bailey · Apr 10, 04:05 PM · #
Dear Gala, I dig your pink hair,I think the style looks realy good for you.Well I am 18 years old and I am graduating from high school this year,I am so excited.I think pink hair is the best look for you.I live in Henderson Nevada so I live a lot far away from you.My last girlfriend was back in 8th grade.
Willy · Apr 10, 04:59 PM · #
Part of me desperately wants to get married, have babies, a white picket fence, etc.

The rest of me thinks… what’s the rush?
Anna Rose · Apr 10, 10:19 PM · #
Hmm, interesting thoughts from everyone. My own extended family is riddled with long successful marriages. I was one of those very maternal girls who was born clucky, and I have the kids now, and I can only say: Dream Come True. The man and I were together since high school and never got married because we were so young that there would have been a great uproar. Later, it seemed getting married would eliminate the huge chunk of years we already had together. I was quite determined to have kids in my 20s, and it was only much later, when the Civil Union legislation was coming in (in NZ) that he raised the idea of getting some ‘legal protection’. In the end (after 15 years together) it was a registry office elopement with one sister each as witnesses, plus our kids and a niece&nephew. I would have loved a party, but in the end I’ve got the love, and I don’t need to prove it to everyone else, and the wedding industry these days is so frightening that we felt it was easier not to go there.

Unexpectedly, I really like wearing my ring!

And girls: with the babies and the maybe later . . . this is just my own experience, so don’t bite, but those eggs aren’t getting any fresher, y’know. I had kids in my 20s and it’s been fantastic, but I’m in my mid-30s now and if I think about babies at the moment I just feel VERY TIRED.

Another super-long comment for ya! People all want to share . . . :-)
Nadine · Apr 11, 08:26 AM · #
Reading your feelings on marriage was like reading a page out of my own diary.

I am not married and I possibly never will be, but I did find myself proposing in a NINJA’S LAIR on Valentine’s Day (???) in Tokyo last year…he said ‘Hai ;) Zutto Issho (together forever )’ Love the ring and it has no gold or diamonds but was made by a guy with a little shop in the back streets of Harajuku.

Living together is perfect, being ‘engaged’ is no different to not being but having an international wedding is a whole other ball game we would prefer not to play these days! So we are keeping it easy, breezey, Japanesey. A marriage can exist without the papers, weddings, signatures and official stamps.
tokyomade · Apr 11, 11:07 PM · #
i use to think that to me a committed relationship wouldn’t be official without a marriage. after being in my current relationship (with an anti-marriage boyfriend), i’ve decided a “marriage” isn’t totally necessary, i could probably be happy with some kind of declaration of commitment, no legalities attached. BUT, i really WANT a wedding. i want a dress, flowers and a party for my family and friends.

also in movies they always have a guy proposing through a big billboard at a basketball game or something big and loud like that. if any guy did that to me i would HAVE to say no. i hate that kind of stuff, and i wouldn’t want to marry someone who knew me so little as to think i would actually enjoy something like that.

also after seeing blood diamond/reading your post i’ve certainly been thinking about engagement rings. it makes me happy that most of my friends don’t want diamonds and i would like a ring thats more unique and socially responsible as well.
j · Apr 13, 03:46 AM · #
I think marriage is fine for those who feel it necessary, but I don’t think it makes a relationship stronger nor more valid. My parents have been together defacto since 1972… they haven’t needed a ceremony nor a piece of paper to say they love each other. I can’t see myself getting married – I’d rather spend the money on something practical than a wedding/rings/etc. I agree with “tokyomade”... “A marriage can exist without the papers, weddings, signatures and official stamps.”
Rose · Apr 20, 11:41 PM · #
my fiance` proposed to me on the celebration gig of our combined 21st birthday! it was pretty scary at the time, as i was really drunk (as was he) and we were watching a drum&bass band, Shapeshifter from NZ – but he re-proposed the next day so I would be certain that’s what we both wanted.
I feel like it’s put a different dynamic on our relationship and in a way, I don’t quite know if I believe in marriage.
but I do believe in love and being faithful, we’re staying engaged until we can afford a small, fun wedding in celebration of our life together.
some people make weddings such a big deal when 5 months down the track their marriage falls to pieces. it’s not all about material things, at all.
x
tasj · Aug 30, 04:34 PM · #
I don’t know if marriage is a “bad” thing. I have two uncles that had a divorce and that’s it: my granparents have been together for about 30 years, my parents 20 years…my sister married when she was 26, and it was awesome (her husband is the most amazing person ever). They didn’t live together before marriage, though; I think I want to do that…marriage can be just a legal thing (I’m not religious).
But I don’t like “traditional” weddings; I think they’re too lame (the dress, inviting tons of people you don’t care about, the food, the decorations…discusting) xD! I just my nuclear family and close friends to be there, maybe in a beach or something like that…I loved when Susan (of Desperate Housewives) married in the woods only with her lover and her daugther! :)
fran · Oct 17, 01:30 AM · #

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Marriage -- The Final Frontier

[ 8 April 2007 ]

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