Questions On A Postcard: He Loves Me More!
[ 4 January 2009 ]
Dear Ms. S.,
What lovely penmanship you have!
In my experience, relationships are always somewhat unbalanced. Regardless of the situation, whether it’s marriage or a summer romance, one person is always more invested than the other; that’s just how it is. It keeps life interesting & maintains that deliciously ridiculous merry-go-round effect. If you have to be in one position, I tend to think that being the person who is more loved is preferable, but of course it does put you in an awkward situation. It’s a sort of stasis. There are feelings of guilt. You wonder if you’re both wasting your time. You think, ‘Maybe I should let this person go so that they can find someone who loves them as much as they love me’.
What you do about the situation is entirely up to you. I can’t say what is right for your life, & plus I have faith that whatever you do will be what you were meant to do. The universe has your back.
What I will say is this. Even when we do our best to seek out a more magical & meaningful existence, life is full to overflowing with average things & mundane realities. Dull jobs, exams, corporate attire, standing in queues, early mornings, tired eyeballs & many, many interactions with the great unwashed. There are all these things which fill us with a vast nothing. Love should not be one of them.
The fact that he is “nice” is not enough to keep you together. Plenty of people are nice & good. That doesn’t make them lover material. That doesn’t mean they are the person to whom you should “hitch your wagon”.
Learning to make yourself happy should be one of your primarily preoccupations. If you feel more joy when you’re by yourself than when you’re with him, then you know it’s time for something to change. The thing with learning to make ourselves happy is that sometimes it takes a leap of faith. Sometimes we have to break up the status quo with a big hammer in order to get there. Sometimes it’s more of a demolition derby, but hey. You gotta do what you gotta do.
There is a period of malaise in every relationship. The initial sparks & fabulousness begin to fade, & it’s just night after night of getting takeaways, watching television, etc. Some people feel that once they get to a certain age, it’s easier just to settle down with someone who doesn’t make them want to commit mass homicide, so they do. But some people would rather be in a relationship with someone who makes them feel electric. You get to choose which camp you’d rather summer holiday with.
If this boy doesn’t make you want to explode with joy & excitement, if thoughts of him DON’T dance like sugarplums in your head, if the mere mention of his name doesn’t fill your body with fireworks, if you don’t spend hours daydreaming about your future together… then you’ll be happier doing your own thing, sugarplum.
Take that time that you spend together, twiddling your thumbs, & invest it in yourself. Cold & calculating as it may sound, your returns will be far greater. & who knows — in that time, you might just meet someone who really captures your imagination. Someone who you could love more than you ever imagined possible.
Fingers crossed.
Love letters & feather headdresses,
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writing out that flickr address was a pain in the butt! but the photo was so cute it was worth investigating more. : )
love the paragraph about thoughts dancing like sugarplums/etc… fun imagery. : )
happy new year gala, here with you for another one. woot woooo
I think this is clearly a case of someone staying in a relationship solely because they don’t want to disappoint or hurt the other person. While hurting others is never ideal, sometimes it’s unavoidable. Your first responsibility is to yourself. And in most cases, eventually the other person will figure things out even if you try to hide it, which will only hurt him more in the long run. Ms. S. needs to end it, as gently as possible.
Good advice :)
should i be sorry to stare!
a lot of the time i feel the same way about my relationship. i love my boyfriend, but i dont know if i’m in love with him anymore.
i can’t bring myself to break up with him because every time i think about it i just think about how he’s my perfect on paper guy. he’s amazing at school, he will have a great future, caring, kind, considerate, selfless, grounded, etc etc etc
also if i break up with him i don’t know if i’ll have anything left. i don’t have a job because of school. i don’t have very good friends at university – where i spend 8 of 12 months. it’ll just be me and my dog.
then i just figure i’m happier with him than i would be all alone, so i just go around and around constantly.
By all means, don’t stay in a relationship that doesn’t make your heart flutter, but don’t leave thinking that this magical person will be on the other side of the door.
Relationships are hard work, even with a person that tickles your fancy like no other. So why stay in a relationship with a person you don’t deem worth fighting for… Just my thoughts….
Great advice, Gala
I find myself in this predicament sometimes. My partner/roommate/lover is a dear, and he is very good to me, but when I daydream about my future…he is never there.
Polyamoury means I don’t have to neccessarily ‘leave’ him to find someone who excites me more, but there is still the question of moving out. I have a lot of obstacles to face in my life and my mind before I can live alone. In the meantime I feel like I’m taking advantage of his kindness.
Your advice is wonderful but I can’t implement it in my own life until I fix a few things
good advice. i was with someone who was ‘nice’ but not right for me and it took 4.5 yrs to realize it. now i have found my most perfect man, and we feel the same way when we are together and apart, so i know it is right now….
good luck xx
I know that my boyfriend loves me more than I love him as well, but I enjoy being with him so much & would hate to lose him, though I am a generally lonely person & wouldn’t have a lot if I didn’t have him. Even though I’m glad of him at the moment, I can’t really imagine him in my future for some reason & sometimes I have those “what if I left him…” thoughts that everyone gets, but I’m staying with him & seeing how it goes.
I’m no good at relationship advice, so it’s interesting to hear it from yours & other people’s perspectives & maybe learn a few things about them. =]
its bizarre that this was your post today but im very happy it was. im going through a rough patch with my boyfriend and can use all of the advise that flies my way. thank you gala darling :)
With my first boyfriend, I was more interested in the relationship than he; with the other boyfriend he love me more than I loved him…and I was really bored.
Now I realize that I have an intense personality but that I need a person who dare to challenge my points of view about everything and not just say yes to whatever I want.
The problem is that I’m always attracted to quiet people…
Weird, it cut my previous comment short even though it looked fine in preview.
Oh well. I just thanked you for caring about us all so much :)
Gala, your response made me tear up a bit, especially at the “f this boy doesn’t make you want to explode with joy & excitement…” part. I’m in the process of breaking up with my first love and boyfriend of 3 years. It’s a bummer, but for the best.
aww Gala, ditto!
Life is too short to not live it at the fullest! Love should make you squeal. Good Luck, sister.
Ahh same issue here.
It’s just… so damn hard to tell a boy whose completely in love with you, involved you in their plans for the future and shared their inner fears that you don’t want to be that part of their life any more.
:(
I’m strong in most other matters, but in this I have no back bone.
I’m currently in a similar situation; My boyfriend just loves me so much, and I don’t feel much when I’m around him. The last thing I want is to hurt him, but I think that we could both be much happier without each other, even if it hurts at first.
Stylish Thought — Yup, definitely. All relationships require work but it’s got to feel like it’s worth fighting for!
honeyange — Quiet doesn’t necessarily mean weak, though. & I know what you mean. Having someone who will push back is essential in order for me to be interested!
Insta-girl crush! What a stunning photo!
wow. it seems that allot of girls are in a similar situation to me. I feel stuck in a 3 year relationship. He seems to want to hang on to me, but I am having major considerations about letting him go. He is a great great man. I love him. I just don’t know if I can spend the rest of my life with him. sigh*
This happened to me. I took a year out, and realised I could never love anyone as much as I love my boyfriend.
Great advice Gala, even without the lover situation. We have to live for ourselves!
Well put, Miss Gala.
I had to make this decision a couple of years back. My boyfriend at the time might as well have had the words ‘Great Catch’ tattoo-ed on his forehead, because he was (and is) a fantastic guy and what one might call ‘perfect boyfriend/husband material.’ Additionally, he really REALLY liked me. And I know that I was much more infatuated with the feeling and general power-trip of having a good-looking guy who all my friends were jealous over be so crazy about me, than I was actually infatuated with him (sounds a bit horrible, but honesty sometimes means admitting unpleasant things about yourself!).
All relationships go through flat or difficult stages, but it’s up to the individuals involved to work out what is right for them. As it was for me, I know how hard it was to walk away from ‘Mr Perfect on Paper’ (especially as I did genuinely love and respect him), and the life that would’ve gone with all of that – especially when we’re told it’s what every girl is supposed to want.
Good luck to everyone struggling with this – be kind to yourselves.
PS. I did find true love after my ex!
I broke up with a boy who was crazy for me perhaps two months ago. As much as I wanted to love him back that much, I found myself making excuses not to hang out with him even on weekends. I felt like a moron for a while there, but we were still friends. The best part was a maybe a week ago when he told me that another girl was after him this time, and that he’d found love (or the chance for love) again.
If you let a guy go, it won’t be in vain for either of you.
wish i could’ve read this years ago! before i dated a guy who liked me more than i liked him so i ended up staying out of pity. after a while, i grew tired of being adored so i ended it. now that i think about it, it is much better to stay focused on myself than waste time trying to fill the space beside someone else. thank you for the advice!
I used to think it was true: the in a pairing, one person was more invested in the relationship than the other. Then I met my SO and WOW. I realized that belief about relationships speak more about the people involved and less about the “reality” of what relationships can be.
What I would tell anyone willing to listen? If s/he doesn’t knock your socks off, or you don’t knock off his/hers, why settle?
thank you! I can’t help but feel this way myself sometimes, but I think this article really helped me out a lot. I love my bby and I miss him terribly when he’s away. I love spending my time with him. As for a future we’ve talked about it and he’s the only person I can see myself with. Breaking up with him would devastate me. I think my problem/difficulty is our behavior. See, for me, I tend to act the same everywhere I go, forgetting that there’s “a time and place for everything”. For him, his behavior is a lot more conscious. Now that I think about it, I’m grateful for that. I think if it was him who was acting like the way I do, I would definitely get mad. I’m going to have to work on that a little and be more aware of my surroundings.
Thanks again!
I completely agree. From being in the same situation, i would say go with what makes YOU happy. Relationships yes are about two people, but when it comes down to it, it’s about looking out for yourself. It’s harder when you genuinely like the person, and get along, but that still doesn’t always make it worth staying together. i think it is better to move on. i kind of prefer being alone anyway.. makes flirting more fun :)
Great advice, Gala! I once broke up with a guy after more than 3 years of being with him because similar thoughts were going through my head. After a while, I realized that I wasn’t the same person I was when we began dating, and it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to keep going down the same path. It was tough going but a couple years later we’re still good friends. I think how we ended up had a lot to do with recognizing that it was time to end our romantic relationship before anyone gets bitter and/or resentful.
I was recently convinced I wanted out of my relationship of almost 5 years for much the same reasons.
The sparks had faded, we were slipping into routine, and I thought it just wasn’t that exciting any more.
A two week holiday in another city all alone (quite terrifying when you’ve been a couple for so long) made me realise a few things:
a) It’s not abnormal to be bored sometimes. I change things in my life every day because I get bored. You don’t need to assume the worst when boredom sets in.
b) As a result of this revelation, I decided we should try new things (together and individually.) Go new places. Make new friends. Be as spontaneous as I could possibly be. (Taking a holiday alone was a good start!)
c) New things I liked, or more importantly, the things I didn’t like, made me appreciate the good things in my life, which included our relationship.
You could say the grass is always greener on the other side … but then if you try to make yours match, you might find yours was pretty amazing to begin with.
It’s funny, my boyfriend dumped me a week ago because he felt like the girl did. I guess reading Gala’s advice is helping me understand HIS side a little better, as he could barely explain himself. He knew he was “emotionally cold” and “really turned off to me” for a few weeks, but he had wanted us to make it through the holidays. I think both of us were hoping things would fix themselves…but you can’t “fix” feelings.
He told me his feelings basically “went away,” he didn’t get the urge to call me or text me anymore, and he knows its not fair to me. He also gave me the “everything looks so good on paper” speech, saying how I’m smart, cute, funny, hot, etc., and there is no good reason as to why he’s not as into me as he used to be. He’s frustrated that he doesn’t know his own feelings…it’s like they just faded away.
I haven’t heard from him at all since then, not even a “Happy New Year.” I’m not surprised, but I still don’t understand how someone can just stop caring and be emotionally cut off. We’re on pretty good terms, so why am I cut out of his life completely? I guess it will only make it easier for me to get over the end of the relationship. It still stings…a lot.
Thanks for writing this, Gala…the timing is great for me, and it’s helping quite a bit.
my last boyfriend broke up with me because of that reason. he felt that he couldn’t reach that level of emotion i felt for him. it’s funny because i always felt it was the other way around. i think that comes down to misinterpretation and i think the guilt really got to him.
It’s so weird how today this topic surfaces on your site because it echoes a lot of the feelings I have been dealing with lately. It’s reassuring to know that I am not alone in my scenario and your advice really helped clarify what I already was feeling.
Thanks Gala
I know that everyone gets that “ohhh, I still really, really like him, but maybe life would be a bit more exciting if we weren’t a couple any more…” feeling, so I try not to be too upset when I start to feel a bit like that. I really, really enjoyed reading this advice of yours—it made me truly realize that even though I occasionally feel a BIT bored in my long-term relationship, I still do spend hours and hours thinking about my boyfriend, our future together, eating sugarplums…err, wait, I may have read that sentence wrong…
Anyway, great positive advice, as always!
hear hear!
Hi Gala,
I’m so in this situation right now, yet it seems so complicated! I’m thinking about it too much though, which is making it worse. But I wanted to ask you, do you think attachment styles have anything to do with this phenomenon? I did a questionnaire that you linked to a while back on twitter maybe, and came out as dismissive… knowing that makes me wonder if it’s just my own avoidant style that contributes to keeping my love at arms length.
Then again, it is but a theory.
Great article btw,
Nic x
This is such good advice, and so true. I recently broke up with someone because our relationship had just totally disintegrated. We were both depressed (him to a clinical degree) and he relied on me for his existence, then would shut me out if he left town for a few days. Attempts to salvage or reignite things didn’t work. A week after I broke up with him he moved away, got a job & started taking driving lessons, so I guess it revved up his life as well as mine!
I would also like to add that you will go through a grieving process even if you are the person who initiated the breakup. But if you were, as I was, feeling the need to be on your own all the time, to the extent that you don’t particularly want to see him or he’s always the first to contact you – it’s time to call it quits. honeyange’s track record of being loved less, then more, is much like mine. My problem is that I’m usually attracted to pretty boys who turn out to be gay, but c’est la vie. At least I can wear the androgynous look…
Someone once told me one person always loves more than another, and I know in my husband’s first marriage, that idea really hurt him. I think it would be hard to say inour marriage, because we love differently, but I think saying so AT ALL or trying to compare is destructive to the love. We love how much we love…you know? And learning to love yourself most, totally right on. It’s not selfish, it’s life! You have only your own life to live…even if you share it.
Any relationship is essentially a power struggle and whoever likes the other person less holds the upper hand. Some people aren’t comfortable with that! Especially women, who are conditioned in most societies to believe that in a relationship, men must direct the course of the good ship Love & Sex. All you have to think about, Ms. S, is whether or not you’re happy. Are you happier compared to before you met Mr. Loves-You-A-Lot or not? Are you happier than when you first met? Are you happier than 3 months in to the relationship? 6? Et cetera?
And remember, it doesn’t matter how much love there is, or where it comes from! It’s LOVE! That’s fucking great!
Stay cool
I have that same feeling with my bf (of 2 years), but as you said, I know is “normal” to feel this way, and, though sometimes I do feel guilty, I love him anyways and most of the time (xD), I’m really happy with him. I do not regret being with him, he has make me happy :) Plus is “good” to have ups and downs, cause in a long relationship is easy to get bored; so if sometimes you feel guilty, but then it fades and you feel awesome, is great! You never get bored…that’s how I think :p
But of course, it depends on the person and the relationship…
Oooh I so was in the same position!
It’s terrible to know you don’t love him as much as he does. Anyways, after weeks and weeks of thinking about it, I broke up with him. I didn’t see the point in going on… I’ve never been sorry about my decision. But it’s always a hard one to make.
Oh man, I wish I had a boyfriend :(. Haha well, being single is nice, but I want someone to twiddle my thumbs with -.
The girl in the picture is adorable.
Dear Gala,
Thank you very much for posting my letter onto your website.
You advice Has helped me very much and I decied to break up with my boyfriend. we’ve decided to stay as friends. The picture though up top is not me ha ha ha.
Sinceraly: Ms. S
This is really, really great advice. It pays to tend to oneself first, because only when you are comfortable and cared for can you give your best to others and do the same to them. You really helped define exactly that balance. This is great, and I thank you for it!
Before I met my husband, I was in a relationship with a great guy who I had no business being with. We started dating while we were in high school, but as the relationship progressed, I realized we had completely different priorities. Breaking up with him was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. He had a very bad family situation, and over the years, had adopted my family as his own. I loved him in a way, but it just wasn’t enough. In the end, I chose to suck it up and give us both the respect we deserved. – He deserved to find some one who would adore him, and I deserved to find a person like my husband, who after several years still makes me smile so much my face hurts. I think it’s time to set both of you free. Much Love and Good Luck.
Absolutely fantastic advice. :) Too bad I’m singgggleeeee. Yucky-yuck.
Hey, I’m DEFINATELY craving some style tips this week. Its cold here and I’m in DESPERATE need of a shopping trip, but with this stupid recession I can’t afford it, even thrifting. I feel like I’ve been wearing the same thing over and over again, especially my pink jean jacket… (!!!) Is there anyway you could give advice on how to jazz up your EXISTING wardrobe? Things to make perhaps, or different ways of wearing things? (For us midwestern folk stuck in freezing weather!) Thanks, doll… ;)
Sprinkle xoxo
PS-Check out my blog super quick to see the GALA-PINK CUPCAKES I made for New Years, inspired by your hair and personality. ;) They reminded me of you…
To voice an alternate opinion, I think that love might be thought of as that rare relationship where “interest” in one another goes beyond such commodification — so that it can no longer be measured as “greater” or “lesser”. Love may then be thought of not as balanced interest, but in the feeling that no one is counting.
I’m not a trustful person by nature, but I’ve been lucky enough to experience that. It surprises me daily!
When one person starts dwelling on the relative interest of the other, there is already a problem. Nothing is irresolvable, but neither is anything permanent. I agree overall that love is just too important a matter to compromise on.
you’re right – investing in yourself in one of the best investments you can make :p
I agree, and I think that, in the long run, if the relationship comes to and end, it will benefit the “nice” guy, too. He may not see it in the beginning, but staying with someone in a relationship – whether it is someone you utterly adore or simply care about – who isn’t sure about their feelings, if they are mutual or not, is never good. In the end, in case of doubt, I actually think it is better to break it off, think it over, and if thought to be a mistake, then hook up together again.
But, who knows, it really does change depending on the relationship, doesn’t it?
Thanks, Gala, anyway; I discovered this blog just a few days ago and have actually stuck with it. I love the variety of the articles! You do a fantastic job. :)
I got mine today too! I got a beautiful necklace/brooch. It’s a green brooch that has been made into a necklace and you can detach the brooch and wear it separately. It’s very pretty! Thank you swapee whoever you are! Let me know if you were my swap partner! :D
Hmm..she’s wearing a really simple but cool top in that pic…sorry could’nt resist!
If a relationship is having a negative impact on you, and on your sense of self and/or patterns of behaviour, then something’s got to change, either within the relationship or by taking a temporary/permanent break. Love can be hard work, but it’s supposed to be worthwhile, rewarding, and good for you!
(I’ve always thought ‘penmanship’ is such a peculiar word . . .)
Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahaha. Oh man. I am so in this situation right now. This exact situation. Great advice Gala … I’m just too wimpy to do something about it …