Rumours
[ 11 January 2008 ]
“I’m having trouble with some stories that I’ve heard about myself that aren’t true. I was just wondering if you could perhaps give some advice on handling having a rumour being spread about you with poise? Because I am dreading school.”
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. It’s really frustrating to be forced into a small space with people who are treating you badly. The good news is that as you get older, you can take a more proactive stance in deciding who you want in your life. The bad news is that there are always going to be small-minded people with no lives of their own who insist on talking smack about others.
The best thing to do in a situation like this is to think of someone you admire, & try to imagine what they would do in a similar situation. When there are stories going around about celebrities, most of the time you’ll find that they won’t dignify the rumour with a response — they act as if it’s not happening, or just laugh it off. But sometimes you’ll find that they or their publicists will make a public statement to refute the rumour, usually only if it is a fairly serious accusation or something really nasty.
For example, Mary-Kate Olsen has ridiculous stories published about her all the time, as she verifies in the video above. “Who’s Dying Today?!” The video is totally worth watching, actually, because she talks about how you have to take gossip with a light heart & just brush it off. However, when she was admitted to rehab in 2004 for her eating disorder, the gossip rags murmured that anorexia was just a cover for something more sordid — an alleged drug addiction. Her publicist slammed those reports, saying, “Mary-Kate was not admitted for drugs. Period.”
So, just like celebrities do, keep in mind that how you react to the gossip-mongering should depend on what is being said about you. If it’s something ridiculous & inconsequential, then the best thing to do is just ignore it gracefully. If you make a big deal about it, it just looks like you want attention — which you will get, in spades, but it won’t be positive.
On the other hand, if someone is spreading something malicious or troublesome about you, then you need to form a plan of attack!
Find out who started the rumour & speak to them about it
It might be difficult to get to the bottom of the rumour-spreading, but you will find out. The person who is at fault might try to shift the blame to someone else, but you will know in your heart whether they did or not. When you know who the guilty party is, talk to them. Arrange a time to speak to them in private, or call them at home. Think about what you’re going to say ahead of time, & then go in for the kill. Tell them that you are aware that they’re gossiping about you, that it’s not true & that you want them to stop. I know it sounds crazy, but often this stops people in their tracks. They’ll realise that they’ve been caught & they’ll probably be embarrassed about it. If this conversation doesn’t seem to phaze them, you might want to talk to someone higher up — like your parents, teacher, boss, etc.
If someone mentions it to you, or asks you whether the gossip is true, smile & say no
The best defence is to be charming & happy & vivacious, & to act as if you don’t care — even if you do. After all, if someone is scowling & lying & telling nasty stories about you, & you seem to be happy & having a good time, who are people going to want to align themselves with? That’s right — you. People who gossip seem to hold all the cards, because they have their bullying tactics sussed, but actually, no one wants to be friends with these people. Mostly, people are nice to people who gossip because they’re afraid of being the next target. So don’t sweat it. You’re in the right, & people will realise it soon.
Find someone to back you up
You’ll feel much better knowing that you have a friend or two who believe you & are happy to defend your reputation. Brief them on how you’d like the whole affair handled — i.e., smiling & correcting people’s assumptions, rather than jump-kicking people in the throat if they even make a slight smirk in your direction!
Get rid of all of your anger regarding the lies
People usually spread rumours because they want to hurt someone or get a reaction. If you don’t show that you’re upset, & refuse to react to their childish antics, they will get bored & move on. Use EFT to get rid of your anger, confusion, distrust & bitterness. Alternatively, have a huge ragey shouting session in your bedroom until you’re hoarse — get everything on the subject out of your mind, & then get on with life.
Know that you can’t change anyone’s mind
The more you crow about your innocence, the guiltier you appear. Make a statement & leave it at that. It’s not your job to fix your reputation in someone else’s mind — & it never works, anyway. Let it go. Take a deep breath. I know that someone talking rubbish about you hurts, but remember — it won’t last forever. Just wait it out. Don’t be tempted to seek revenge: your life will be happier & less complicated if you just leave it alone.
Good luck to you, honey. I hope it all blows over soon.
“The only gossip I’m interested in is things from the Weekly World News: ‘Woman’s bra bursts, 11 injured’. That kind of thing.” — Johnny Depp
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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Maintain your dignity. If people mention it to you, deny it in a low-key way. YOU know the truth. Is this issue/these people worth the investment of your precious emotional energy? Don’t buy into it.
once again gala,
fantastical advice.
<3
I agree with Nadine – YOU know whats what. It’s hard at school to stay away from narrowminded vicious people, but really, don’t spend time with them. Hold your head high. And above all do not give in the the urge to gossip back. This starts a horrible cycle of “she said this, she said that”.
I love this quote “Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. ” – Christian D. Larson
Why waste time with gossip when there are so many good things to do?
Great article Gala (coming from someone that was the victim of terrible gossip in high school, but survived and laughs about it now)
Aw, this breaks my heart; there was so much of this to endure when I was in school. Such a waste of energy that could have be used for something positive.
I have found that some people get joy from spreading rumors, but only if it looks like it is having an effect on you. Take all of Gala’s advice, especially about not seeking direct revenge. The best revenge is to take their pleasure away. It doesn’t matter if you have to fake it, but hold up your head, act like you don’t care and don’t let them get the pleasure of creating chaos in your life. I found the phrase ‘I wonder why she/she is saying that’ to be an excellent reply when people asked me if things were true.
Don’t be scared of anyone spreading or starting rumors and lies. Instead, pity them; people only do these things because they don’t know how to create and enjoy anything that is happy and positive.
& when you’re not in school don’t keep fretting about it. Treat yourself to whatever makes you happy. Try something new. Enjoy your good relationships. It’s much easier to keep going to school/work everyday when you know you have other things that are good in your life.
When I was in intermediate (around 12) someone spread a rumour that I was a slut – which I most certainly wasn’t.
At the time, I was SO upset, but in the long run it hasn’t affected my life at all.. in fact I haven’t thought about it for years until reading this article. Rumours can hurt so much at the time, but just keep living and as long as you and those who are important to you know it’s not true, who cares? In a few years you would have forgotton about it completely
This is very useful to me, as I attend an all-girls Catholic school (bitching galore!), haha.
I haven’t heard many rumours spread about me, but I have heard quite a few about some of my friends. I tend to be very protective and I used to yell at people who told me the rumours, but now I’ve just learnt to say “So what?” and walk off. I have better things to do than sit around hearing lies about my friends!
I emphasize with this anonymous questioner, and it completely sucks to have people hate or be spiteful towards you.
During the early years of high school, things got so bad with some girls in my class that they all formed a big, “We all hate Retro Club”, simply because I told another girl off for teasing me.
I think that being able to overcome these certain hateful people prepares you so much for the world, and gives you the tools to be a stronger person.
There will always be hateful people, and if you overcome their tacky attempts at making them feel more powerful, you’ll be the one who laughs last, and longest.
I hope everything goes out well with your situation, and to anyone else who has to deal with this.
But if the rumors turn into abuse, please tell someone.
Good luck again.
School rumors are so stupid and hurtful! The only rumor I ever heard of me while I was on highschool was that I was spending time with my best friend (male), because I wanted to make my ex-boyfriend jealous! The worst of all is that the rumor started between my close friends :( I felt aweful, I was spending time with him because I had no one else and because he is great…well, at the end, he became my boyfriend and we have been together for a year! :D
Great advice Gala.
and I love Johnny Depp and the crazy stuff he says. :)
You guys are great. I love that we are all united in a cause to make people happier & live bigger, brighter lives… thank you so much for contributing your thoughts!
Gala
Thanks, and imagine all the people you (with a little help from your nonpareils! :D) help everyday.
And then those people go and help others, who help more people, who then help more people…
It’s a circle of luuurve. :D
Have a great day/night everyone.
Retro.Bunny, you’re so right. I’ve think about it since I found this blog and then recommended it…you really deserve so many thanks from so many people, Gala :)! Making people happier and and expanding that feeling is just…amazing.
I really feel for this person who has written in, having been through the same for a great deal of my school life. It can make school a place you dread going to, and can, unfortunately, create anxieties. The advice Gala has given would have been much appreciated when I was younger! Really, rumours are spread by people who are usually jealous of you and want to cut down the tall poppy, as such. Completely negative and destructive, and unfortunately there are people like this, but you can remain positive with the thought that you are better than they are – and are their lives so boring that they have to try and cut you down to have fun or excitement in their lives?
Hang in there!
Fantastic advice! Clearly a fabulous girl who reads this blog has better things to do than listen to rumor-mongers, as hard as that may be. It was reassuring to read this post since these were the EXACT steps I took when a girl on my hall started telling people I’d slept with our hall-mate. And it worked! Best wishes to anyone who has to put up with this…and keep smiling!
Great advice as always Gala.
& my favorite quote about gossip is “Gossip is a sort of smoke that comes from the dirty tobacco pipes of those who diffuse it – it proves nothing but the bad taste of the smoker.” – George Eliot. So true.
I was just clicking in to comment on what a difference you are making to people gala but it appears i’ve been beaten grins
Your advice is invaluable and I hope you are getting a real buzz knowing that you are spreading happiness and making things alot easier for people.
And to your reader, we all know exactly how you feel. The only thing I can say (that has been repeated many times) is it all gets soo much better when you’ve finished school. Don’t listen to rumours, keep your dignity and surround yourself as much as you can with people who make you feel good, school will fly by and everyone will look bck on you with respect.
I like the notion of making yourself feel awesome and special and holding your head high before you face them. Wear an outfit you love. Hangout with your bestest friends and laugh it all off.
I also like the idea that the gossiper had to actully put time and effort to try and bring me down. That I was worth the negitive energy. I take it as a compliment.
excellent article. i’ve been the victim of gossip more times than i can count (a memorable one was that me and (ex-boyfriend) had split up because we’d slept together, and i had punched him in the jaw on point of climax and broken it…we hadn’t even slept together!) i just laugh it off now. stay strong, to the person who is having the trouble! you are the better person in this situation. xx
mk is too cute. that made my morning.
awww this made my morning. It breaks my heart to hear about things like this, because I myself, had problems with this very issue. It wasted so much of my time and thoughts. There were friends of mine who believed what was being said about me, and stopped speaking to me. I had to eventually learn to take it light-heartedly, because the rumors were not true, and the friends that belived them, must have not been my true friends in the first place. I hope everything works out for her. Thanks for this article Gala :)
Thank you for posting this article. This happened to me in my last place of work, & I ended up leaving because of it. I hope everything works out for the girl~
Your advice is always a pleasure to read and enact, Gala, though I hope I won’t have to enact this particular article any time soon!
It reminds me of a rumour spread about my friend when we were at school – that she had “geek sex” with her beau. We had no idea what it meant – that they were sexually active nerds? That they used a vibrating calculator? That talking dirty for them had lots of references to floppy disks and drives? – but because she took it in her stride and laughed it off as idiotic, everyone else saw how silly it was, and she came out of it looking much better than the boys who spread the rumour.
Here’s to hoping the anonymous questioner can emerge from this debacle with his/her head high as well!
I really loved this article, reminded me an awful gossip made by a jealous friend at college… well, actually 2 gossips, made by the same person. Its horrible what can you get when jealous and mean people start false rumors about your life. They just create stuff out of the blue, something that if your not carefull enough, can destroy friendships. In both cases I talked to the person face to face, because its what I like to do, look into their eyes and say hey, what you’ve been telling about me is not true, how come this idea came out? Fake people, for a start dont even look into your eyes, they always look at somewhere else, then you can be sure these kind of people you cant trust at all. Like my auntie likes to say: These people dont have their own life, so they need to find somebody else’s life to live of and lie about it.
I totally agree. There is a time to confront someone if you’re truly being wronged in a bad way, but in my experience, if it’s about smaller things, it helps to just see it as amusing, and a slightly pathetic act for attention.
Good advice! I was the subject of gossip in high school from close friends. I always confronted them (gently) in privacy and asked if the gossip really believed what she was saying. I’d have asked “why” if they hadn’t immediately caved and admitted, “no.” Anyway, it gave us a chance to talk things out and probably salvaged a couple of friendships over the years.
It’s probably not advisable in all solutions, but this let me make peace when friends in my circles were being frankly ridiculous. I suppose everyone has a bad day now and again, and I wanted to think they they didn’t really mean it.
And of course, years later, no one cares about what anyone said about anyone back then!
I wish I had been smart enough to look for & find advice like this when I was at high school. I went to a Catholic girls school so it was incredibly “cliquey” & bitchy & I’m certain if I was armed/empowered with this kind of advice then, I would have saved myself a whole lot of worry & distraction. The kind of trouble that one really doesn’t need when you’re trying to learn about the world around you & figure out who you are as a person (or ever for that matter!). Love your work mademoiselle. xoxo
Great advice again, Gala!
I remember wasting much of my middle school years worrying about what others thought of me…I’m glad I’ve begun to put things in perspective in high school!
This article has really, really helped me Gala, and I just want to say thank you for it.
The rumours have died down now, but I think I could have got into some real trouble by slapping a few smug faces if I hadn’t taken your advice and faced them with dignity and poise.
You’re such an amazing person, and guess who I chose when thinking about a person to emulate?
Again, thank you so much Gala!
Even though you’ve been giving the advice that happiness stems from attitudes, 20/20 recently did a show that scientifically proves it. It’s really interesting and includes which countries in the world are happiest and why. If you go to their website, you can read about and see videos of the entire episode (The Pursuit of Happiness: Your Behavior).
http://abcnews.go.com/2020/?CMP=google_branded&partner=google&gclid=CIS3gM7z8ZACFR4LIgodYX1ixQ
Just thought you’d like to know that you’re oh, I don’t know, about 20 light years ahead of all these fancy-shmancy scientists. :)
When I was in year 9, I had terrible problems with rumours. I had no idea why they began, and only a rough idea what they were about, but people would literally walk in another direction to avoid being near me. Eventually, I found the only way to stop this was to address it – whether you do it yourself, or get assistance from friends, teachers, etc.
It seemed to be a misunderstanding that had spread into something on a much larger scale, but as soon as I addressed the problem, it disappeared.
Keep your chin up, let people know what is and what isn’t, and remember that it won’t go on forever.
xx
This article made me think of something I heard on a radio interview not too long ago. The interview was with a musician who is becoming quite famous, and somewhere in there was a conversation about one of his ex-girlfriends. He said that when they broke up, she was mean and nasty to him. Now, they’re civil, but she tells everybody “Oh, I used to date him!” The interviewer then said something in French- and he said that it meant “Living well is truly the best revenge” and I totally agree. Everyone’s so right when they say to keep your head held high and stay positive. ;D
People only talk about you if you are interesting! :) B xo
Right now, I’m going through the same kind of thing at school: my so-called “close friend” decided to initiate a group discussion with the group we hang out with (30 people or so, but then “sub-cliques” inside of that).
Apparently, I’m fat and ugly and I don’t deserve all the good things that come my way (passing my lisence first time, getting A grades, etc)... it got me so upset at first but I did like you said (having read this article not so long ago), and besides, I know I’m not ANY of those things, and I’ve worked hard for all the good that’s come my way.
Another thing is, when people say things about you, it’s because they’re jealous of something about you; most of the time, they’ll say the opposite. So if you’ve got a fabulous, bright smile, people may say, “UGH! Look at her smile, she looks like a insert lame words here“ and if you’re pretty / smart / have great dress sense, they’ll say, “She’s so ugly / dumb / Oh Em Gee, what is she wearing?!” to compensate for the fact that they feel insignificant.
Thanks Gala and thanks to everyone else who replied with tips, it makes it so much easier!
xo