Sexual Abuse

[ 28 September 2007 ]

“So my question regards your “Giving Up The Ghost“ article. When I first read that, it really inspired me to move on with my life, but recently have been plagued by my past. A couple years ago I dated a boy. I didn’t really like him that much, I just had him to have him, if that makes any sense. I had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship, so I was on a rebound as well. Anyway, I dated this boy for several months. He had many problems of his own, he drank and did drugs, which he kept a secret from me. He pressured me a lot into many things and brought me down. I’m not sure why I stayed with him, I think it was because I had just started college and all my friends were away at other schools; he was the first person I really made friends with. Anyway, one night, about 3 or 4 months after we began dating, he took advantage of me after I told him “no.” A few days later he called me and broke up with me and told me it was my fault he had done that to me. At the time I didn’t take it personally, I’m a strong woman and have been through a lot in my life, I was equipped to handle this. I went to the doctor and was checked out, I had a clean bill of health (I’m so thankful for this).

“It’s been two years since this happened and now it’s starting to eat at me and affect me and my relationships. Since then I just floated from relationship to relationship not really dealing with the problem. I have talked about it but nothing seems to have changed with me emotionally. This summer, out of the blue, something triggered back to that night and it really upset me. It caused all kinds of problems with me personally, suddenly I was questioning everything and everyone around me. I decided to go to counselling, but with school and work, any extra time is hard to find. I started feeling better once school started (to keep my mind off of things) but on the first day I walk out of my building and guess who I see, the boy that took advantage of me! He’s going to my school now and I see him everyday, he has classes with my friends and they talk about me. Why is he in my life again all of a sudden?! This really isn’t helping me get over all of this.

“So, my question is how do I deal with this personally, aside from counselling? I’m trying to keep myself busy and be healthy, but I still find myself getting down about this. My current boyfriend has tried to help but it’s becoming overwhelming for him since there’s not much he can do or say about it.”

It has taken me a really long time to write about this. The reason for that is because it’s a big topic, an important one, & I wanted my contribution on the matter to be helpful. I know that this is something that affects a lot of people — both sexes — so I have been cautious with what I say. I didn’t want this to turn into a rant about how bad the world can be, or for it to be angry, anti-male, depressing or a “me too” tale of epic proportions. I didn’t want to use scare tactics or quote statistics. This piece is written for the original letter-writer & for anyone who has experienced this themselves. It is about dealing with sexual abuse & how you can move forward.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It was not your fault. It is never your fault. You did not deserve it. No one ever “deserves” anything bad to happen to them. Your ex-boyfriend is trying to deflect the blame & avoid taking responsibility for his actions. Don’t shoulder that stuff, it is not your problem. He has his own issues to deal with.

The most important thing you can do is look after yourself. You need to think about you, you, you. If that means you need time out from your boyfriend, then you should tell him so. You say you have spoken about it with him. You may want to find someone who you can talk about it with — someone who is not in an intimate relationship with you. A close friend, maybe, or a therapist who you like enough that you make time for. A lot of people talk about counselling, & how it is useful, & of course, it is. Talking about our problems is hugely beneficial to us. But it doesn’t make them go away completely. I know people who have been in counselling or psychotherapy for years, & they are still as messed up as they were before — just now, they are able to talk about their problems. It is not my intention to speak ill of therapy or reduce its benefits, but I just feel that it has limitations.

I know I talk a lot about EFT, & it probably bothers some people because they don’t see how it could possibly work or what the fuss is about. I understand that it’s weird, & I don’t really know how it works either — but it DOES. I think that is the most important thing. If I could get rid of major trauma by jumping on one foot, I would, do you know what I mean?

If you’re relatively new to iCiNG or have somehow managed to avoid all the EFT references, here’s a quick run-down. EFT is a technique where we stimulate meridian points (like in acupuncture, except no needles) while thinking about problems or issues. Somehow, doing this releases them from our body’s memory. It is incredible. EFT is also an excellent way to rewire our brains so that we feel deep love, respect & forgiveness for & of ourselves.

I think it is one of the most incredible discoveries. It is very well suited for dealing with sexual abuse, haunting memories, or anything associated with an assault (inability to be intimate with others, fear, etc.). Here are some examples of it working — 1, 2, 3, 4 & 5. When I say it works, I mean it completely removes the pain of the memory. These are all testimonials of people who have used EFT to release past sexual trauma. Those testimonials explain how the people who have tried using EFT on these issues can no longer feel any emotion regarding the event. That is just mind-boggling, but true!

I read once that our body doesn’t know the difference between a memory & an event, so every time we replay something negative in our head, it’s like we are experiencing it all over again. So, in my humble opinion, it is worth trying. If you don’t know where to begin, check out my piece on EFT here — there is a video & everything. If you don’t know what to say, just say anything that comes into your head. There is no right or wrong with EFT, but I would advise drinking a lot of water & doing it in a place where you know you won’t be interrupted.

Rape, sexual abuse & sexual assault are hideous things to have happen to you, & unfortunately if they do happen, there is no way to erase that part of your life. However, you do have the power to tackle it however you like. You can think about it all the time & let the rest of your life suffer, or you can choose to deal with it & move on. It is entirely up to you.

You do not need to let it define you — it doesn’t define you. If a person is rude to you in the street or a shop, do you take it personally? I hope not. Sexual abuse is similar in that it involves you, but is never about you. It is about the other person. Drop any feelings or blame or guilt or “I could have prevented it if only…”. These feelings do not serve you, you are only inflicting further pain on yourself.

If you don’t want to try EFT, then please do yourself a favour & using the fingers of one hand, tap the padded side of your hand (under your little finger) whenever you have thoughts about what has happened to you. The anxiety, fear, anger or depression will lift, I promise.

Sometimes it can take a while — weeks, months or years — for people to realise what has happened to them. It’s very common to think of what happened as just an unpleasant experience, or something that went too far, & then one day you become aware of what it actually was. That can be very scary. It doesn’t really matter whether you give it a label or not, in fact I tend to think that labels just make life difficult, but any unwanted sexual behaviour is a gross abuse of power & trust.

Whether you report what happened to the police or not is up to you. If assault goes unreported, there is always the chance that your ex-boyfriend (or any perpetrator) will do the same thing to someone else. Talking to law enforcement about something which has happened to your body can be difficult to say the least, but you may find it gives you solace.

In response to your question (sorry it has taken me so long to get back on topic!), the best thing I think you can do is to use EFT to let your body know that you love, respect & forgive yourself for everything that has happened. This might be something you know at an intellectual level, but that you don’t really know at a deep level. I cannot begin to tell you what a huge difference this will make to your quality of life. Like the testimonials verify, all of the bad feelings related to the incident will just go away. Like cutting the string on an (environmentally friendly!) balloon. Incredible, but true.

If you can then move on to accepting & forgiving your ex-boyfriend for what he did to you, then so much the better. It will make your life about a million times easier. You don’t have to be his best buddy, of course that’s not a good idea. But walking around feeling hatred or loathing isn’t good for you — it warps you, & turns you into someone you are not.

I suspect that the reason he has re-appeared in your life is because the universe is telling you that you need to deal with what he has done to you. You may find that, once you have dealt with this issue, he sort of… disappears again. If not, you have some choices. You can go to the police & file a restraining order. You can tell him (or have your boyfriend tell him) in no uncertain terms to stay the %&^$ away from you, & that if he doesn’t comply with your request, that you will take legal action against him. You can tell some of your closest friends that he abused your trust & that you would be really appreciative if they had nothing to do with him. You can let someone high up in your school know what the situation is, & ask for their help or advice. Or you can just stay away from him.

Good luck to you, honey. You will be okay — in fact, you will be more than okay. When you decide to deal with what has happened to you, you will be restored to your former brilliance: a beautiful, shining light full of love & joy.

Extra For Experts:
V-Day
AADVARC
RAINN
After Silence
Male survivors
Effects of rape & aftermath from Wikipedia.