Sexual Abuse
[ 28 September 2007 ]
“So my question regards your “Giving Up The Ghost“ article. When I first read that, it really inspired me to move on with my life, but recently have been plagued by my past. A couple years ago I dated a boy. I didn’t really like him that much, I just had him to have him, if that makes any sense. I had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship, so I was on a rebound as well. Anyway, I dated this boy for several months. He had many problems of his own, he drank and did drugs, which he kept a secret from me. He pressured me a lot into many things and brought me down. I’m not sure why I stayed with him, I think it was because I had just started college and all my friends were away at other schools; he was the first person I really made friends with. Anyway, one night, about 3 or 4 months after we began dating, he took advantage of me after I told him “no.” A few days later he called me and broke up with me and told me it was my fault he had done that to me. At the time I didn’t take it personally, I’m a strong woman and have been through a lot in my life, I was equipped to handle this. I went to the doctor and was checked out, I had a clean bill of health (I’m so thankful for this).
“It’s been two years since this happened and now it’s starting to eat at me and affect me and my relationships. Since then I just floated from relationship to relationship not really dealing with the problem. I have talked about it but nothing seems to have changed with me emotionally. This summer, out of the blue, something triggered back to that night and it really upset me. It caused all kinds of problems with me personally, suddenly I was questioning everything and everyone around me. I decided to go to counselling, but with school and work, any extra time is hard to find. I started feeling better once school started (to keep my mind off of things) but on the first day I walk out of my building and guess who I see, the boy that took advantage of me! He’s going to my school now and I see him everyday, he has classes with my friends and they talk about me. Why is he in my life again all of a sudden?! This really isn’t helping me get over all of this.
“So, my question is how do I deal with this personally, aside from counselling? I’m trying to keep myself busy and be healthy, but I still find myself getting down about this. My current boyfriend has tried to help but it’s becoming overwhelming for him since there’s not much he can do or say about it.”
It has taken me a really long time to write about this. The reason for that is because it’s a big topic, an important one, & I wanted my contribution on the matter to be helpful. I know that this is something that affects a lot of people — both sexes — so I have been cautious with what I say. I didn’t want this to turn into a rant about how bad the world can be, or for it to be angry, anti-male, depressing or a “me too” tale of epic proportions. I didn’t want to use scare tactics or quote statistics. This piece is written for the original letter-writer & for anyone who has experienced this themselves. It is about dealing with sexual abuse & how you can move forward.
I am so sorry this has happened to you. It was not your fault. It is never your fault. You did not deserve it. No one ever “deserves” anything bad to happen to them. Your ex-boyfriend is trying to deflect the blame & avoid taking responsibility for his actions. Don’t shoulder that stuff, it is not your problem. He has his own issues to deal with.
The most important thing you can do is look after yourself. You need to think about you, you, you. If that means you need time out from your boyfriend, then you should tell him so. You say you have spoken about it with him. You may want to find someone who you can talk about it with — someone who is not in an intimate relationship with you. A close friend, maybe, or a therapist who you like enough that you make time for. A lot of people talk about counselling, & how it is useful, & of course, it is. Talking about our problems is hugely beneficial to us. But it doesn’t make them go away completely. I know people who have been in counselling or psychotherapy for years, & they are still as messed up as they were before — just now, they are able to talk about their problems. It is not my intention to speak ill of therapy or reduce its benefits, but I just feel that it has limitations.
I know I talk a lot about EFT, & it probably bothers some people because they don’t see how it could possibly work or what the fuss is about. I understand that it’s weird, & I don’t really know how it works either — but it DOES. I think that is the most important thing. If I could get rid of major trauma by jumping on one foot, I would, do you know what I mean?
If you’re relatively new to iCiNG or have somehow managed to avoid all the EFT references, here’s a quick run-down. EFT is a technique where we stimulate meridian points (like in acupuncture, except no needles) while thinking about problems or issues. Somehow, doing this releases them from our body’s memory. It is incredible. EFT is also an excellent way to rewire our brains so that we feel deep love, respect & forgiveness for & of ourselves.
I think it is one of the most incredible discoveries. It is very well suited for dealing with sexual abuse, haunting memories, or anything associated with an assault (inability to be intimate with others, fear, etc.). Here are some examples of it working — 1, 2, 3, 4 & 5. When I say it works, I mean it completely removes the pain of the memory. These are all testimonials of people who have used EFT to release past sexual trauma. Those testimonials explain how the people who have tried using EFT on these issues can no longer feel any emotion regarding the event. That is just mind-boggling, but true!
I read once that our body doesn’t know the difference between a memory & an event, so every time we replay something negative in our head, it’s like we are experiencing it all over again. So, in my humble opinion, it is worth trying. If you don’t know where to begin, check out my piece on EFT here — there is a video & everything. If you don’t know what to say, just say anything that comes into your head. There is no right or wrong with EFT, but I would advise drinking a lot of water & doing it in a place where you know you won’t be interrupted.
Rape, sexual abuse & sexual assault are hideous things to have happen to you, & unfortunately if they do happen, there is no way to erase that part of your life. However, you do have the power to tackle it however you like. You can think about it all the time & let the rest of your life suffer, or you can choose to deal with it & move on. It is entirely up to you.
You do not need to let it define you — it doesn’t define you. If a person is rude to you in the street or a shop, do you take it personally? I hope not. Sexual abuse is similar in that it involves you, but is never about you. It is about the other person. Drop any feelings or blame or guilt or “I could have prevented it if only…”. These feelings do not serve you, you are only inflicting further pain on yourself.
If you don’t want to try EFT, then please do yourself a favour & using the fingers of one hand, tap the padded side of your hand (under your little finger) whenever you have thoughts about what has happened to you. The anxiety, fear, anger or depression will lift, I promise.
Sometimes it can take a while — weeks, months or years — for people to realise what has happened to them. It’s very common to think of what happened as just an unpleasant experience, or something that went too far, & then one day you become aware of what it actually was. That can be very scary. It doesn’t really matter whether you give it a label or not, in fact I tend to think that labels just make life difficult, but any unwanted sexual behaviour is a gross abuse of power & trust.
Whether you report what happened to the police or not is up to you. If assault goes unreported, there is always the chance that your ex-boyfriend (or any perpetrator) will do the same thing to someone else. Talking to law enforcement about something which has happened to your body can be difficult to say the least, but you may find it gives you solace.
In response to your question (sorry it has taken me so long to get back on topic!), the best thing I think you can do is to use EFT to let your body know that you love, respect & forgive yourself for everything that has happened. This might be something you know at an intellectual level, but that you don’t really know at a deep level. I cannot begin to tell you what a huge difference this will make to your quality of life. Like the testimonials verify, all of the bad feelings related to the incident will just go away. Like cutting the string on an (environmentally friendly!) balloon. Incredible, but true.
If you can then move on to accepting & forgiving your ex-boyfriend for what he did to you, then so much the better. It will make your life about a million times easier. You don’t have to be his best buddy, of course that’s not a good idea. But walking around feeling hatred or loathing isn’t good for you — it warps you, & turns you into someone you are not.
I suspect that the reason he has re-appeared in your life is because the universe is telling you that you need to deal with what he has done to you. You may find that, once you have dealt with this issue, he sort of… disappears again. If not, you have some choices. You can go to the police & file a restraining order. You can tell him (or have your boyfriend tell him) in no uncertain terms to stay the %&^$ away from you, & that if he doesn’t comply with your request, that you will take legal action against him. You can tell some of your closest friends that he abused your trust & that you would be really appreciative if they had nothing to do with him. You can let someone high up in your school know what the situation is, & ask for their help or advice. Or you can just stay away from him.
Good luck to you, honey. You will be okay — in fact, you will be more than okay. When you decide to deal with what has happened to you, you will be restored to your former brilliance: a beautiful, shining light full of love & joy.
Extra For Experts:
V-Day
AADVARC
RAINN
After Silence
Male survivors
Effects of rape & aftermath from Wikipedia.
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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i’d like to say good on the letter writer for asking for help, its not always easy, but the first step can be the hardest.
gala, if you dont think this comment belongs here, please delete it :)
sarah — No, of course your comment belongs here! I think the original letter writer will appreciate the support :>
This brought tears to my eyes. No matter how much you heal and get stronger and try to forget… you can never completely move on. And having such a beautiful, kind, intelligent person such as yourself speaking words of understanding and simplicity help to soften the pain.
“No-one ever deserves something bad to happen to them... this is so true but I never realised it. I hope the person who wrote you that letter realises how gosh damn strong she is to survive what happened and manage to see that person every day without falling apart. You are amazing!
P.S. I have never commented here before even though I am in absolute giggly, girlie, sparkly, bubbly in lust and love with this site, am completely addicted to checking icing every morning, and regard you a creative inspiration and funny little mad hatter alice in wonderland angel – but I am too too shy and can’t ever think of clever words to write in response! I think you deserve a glittery sticker-covered snail mail letter perhaps.
Sorry for the epic comment xxx
mhm, you absolutely must let yourself feel the negatives. Acknowledge your human instincts and down the road, be responsible for healing your great damn special self asap.
abuse, of any sort, is extremely personal and unique. i’m sure what works for me would hardly work for the one who’s been through everything i have.
I really also gotta add, from experience with such matters, it really, really helps to find a counsellor or therapist to talk to. It does not mean you’re crazy, and it’s actually really helpful. If you decide to find a therapist, interview/ try out a session with a few before you settle on one that’s right for you. Some matches do not go over well, so it’s important to check their education and what experience they have dealing with others that have been in your situation. Also, just whether you like them or not. _ It takes work to find a good match, but it’s worth so much.
Conselors and psychologists don’t just try to solve things with drugs, (“psychiatrists” handle meds for the most part, actually) but instead they are there to help “counsel” you and help you move past or come to terms with different aspects of your life.
I have tried many methods to deal with my own childhood abuse (I’m 26) but I found that nothing heals more than having someone you can just open up and spill everything onto, without judgement or ridicule, yet be able to keep it seprate form my everyday life, private. Having a therapist is like having a best friend/mentor/relative rolled up into one.
((Hugs)) and like Gala said, first and foremost it’s important to take care of yourself. Don’t keep your feelings hidden or bottled. Abuse is not something that is easy to get over, but healing is possible. ^_-
I love reading your fashion insights. I think that, when it comes to style and fashion and encouraging people to explore, you are brilliant.
As far as I am aware you are not a qualified psychologist or therapist. You may be a rape survivor, I have no way of knowing that. I do not know why this girl chose you to reach out to and it is not your fault that she chose you.
I think a lot of what you had to say in the second half of your reply was probably useful and valid. But you first spoke of EFT for a very long time. I respect that you have faith in this method, but it might be useful to the young woman to first hear what you have to say about her emotional health.
I am a survivor of rape. I don’t think she has to forgive this man in order to heal. I think that varies from person to person. In my case, I found I began to heal after confronting my attacker and then I was finally was able to move on. I don’t think the universe is telling her something by his reappearance – I think he goes to the same school as her so naturally she was going to see him again.
I am certain your intentions are good but I am frustrated at the way you addressed this very serious issue. I hope this young lady finds time for counseling and is brave enough to share with her close friends that she needs their support in this situation.
gala, i am so interested in learning more about eft since you have made a few posts about it. when you want to tap out something thats bothering you, what exactly do you do? (if you don’t mind explaining)
Kimberley — I’m sorry that you think I’m not taking the issue seriously, because that wasn’t my intention at all. I am genuinely trying to help the girl who wrote to me, & I really think that regardless of qualifications, people can only ever speak from their own experience — which is what I have done. I am not claiming to be an expert in this area! If I knew a magical pill someone could take to remove the trauma, then of course, I would recommend it, but I don’t, so all I can suggest are the things which I know have worked for me & other people.
In case you’re interested, all the cases discussed on emofree are actually written by qualified psychologists, therapists etc., many of whom have been practising psychology for years, & have discovered that EFT in addition to counselling is an invaluable tool. The two tools are not mutually exclusive, & I agree that talking about problems is a very useful way to aid the healing process (my boyfriend & I do it all the time).
Everyone’s situation is different so I felt like covering as much ground as possible — & offering as many solutions as possible — was the way to go, & then it’s up to the individual to do what feels right to them.
thank you for addressing this issue, gala. dealing with something like this affects every aspect of your life and it shows quite a bit of bravery on the writer’s part to bring it up in the first place.
i was sexually abused for ten years, and i would also like to encourage them to seek a therapist. talking about it (especially with their significant other) will do a lot to help them. i’m incredibly fortunate that my husband is so supportive of me. it’s made my own healing process easier.
in addition to meeting with a counselor, they may want to pick up a copy of the book: The Courage to Heal by ellen bass & laura davis. it has some great insights and was a great source of help for me.
good luck to them.
Gala, that actually makes a lot of sense – to try to provide as many possible solutions as possible considering the area in which you are addressing the issue (i.e., not knowing the girl personally, not having a professional background in counseling, etc.). I also find it really reassuring that the EFT case studies you referred her to were assessments by mental health care professionals.
I’m sorry – it’s clearly a bit of a hot button issue for me. I worry about a girl not going to a professional or a rape crisis center / hotline for help so that she can talk to people who have the necessary training to assist her… but then, it’s a really good sign that she is reaching out. And your sunny disposition and naturally accepting nature may have made her feel safe looking to you for this advice. In the long run, there is a lot to be said for those qualities.
Thanks for taking my concern seriously and being so tactful in your handling of it!
Kimberly—I did go to a professional for my trauma and she told me that it was my fault. I also took him to court and he got off free from “lack of evidence”
However, when gala first wrote the ariticle about EFT i was totally sketched out and i thought she looked silly in the video (no offence Gala =P) But after i tried it, and i mean, REALLY tried it. I got off all of my anxiety/PTSD medications and am living happily
I agree with you it has to be what the person feels right.
As to the victim in the article this is my advice:
SHOP.
shop around for what works for you. set aside a half hour a week and try something new such as:
-EFT
-Talking with a personalfriend/family member
-going to a 9step program (not nessesarily AA but if you have limited resorces this is good.)
-go out to the woods and scream
-write depressing poems in your journal
etc.
Gala, i thought this was a lovely ariticle. I know that you’re not considered a professional, which is probably why it seemed so thought provoking. Because you’re not reading this from some book pshyc101—how to deal with rape.
And i thank you for going on this subject, because it is difficult and sensitive for a lot of people and you did your best and thats what counts =]
Love and Lipstick,
Bexxx
Hey Gala!
I really wanted to thank you for posting this. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to admit that I asked Gala this. I asked her because ever since I found her blog, her and her readers have really been a source of inspiration for me. I needed help with something that a lot of people deal with around the world and Gala is a really positive person. I thought she would be perfect for taking on this subject and I really admire her for taking time to answer this.
Gala made some really great points in this article, especially the EFT. I have used it a little but find it hard to concentrate sometimes, I’ve looked for a specialist in my area and have only found a couple, it’s still a work in progress. Also, talking to a counselor is #1 on the list. I was lucky to have a wonderful counselor on hand. I’ve known her and her husband since I was young and often use her as a source for some of my articles. I was very happy to have her to go to and talk about this with. Also friends and family are VERY important to talk to. They know you personally and can help you in your emotional recovery. I was very blessed with a friend who knew me throughout my ordeal and has helped me through it, providing a neutral opinion yet still helping me overcome my obstacles (he knew us both).
My advice for anyone who has been through this is to be positive, keep your head above water. Try to surround yourself with people who are understanding and care about you enough to help you through this. For me, personally, it helps to write out what I’m feeling, especially on tough days. No one will ever see what you write about them (unless you show them of course) and it’s a wonderful release. I have books and books of both positive and negative things I’ve written about. Going back and reading through them really makes me feel accomplished and strong for making it through something so tough.
I really want to thank Gala and the readers for providing wonderful input on this difficult subject :)!
I just wanted to send Miaka, Kimberly and the other readers of Icing who are survivors of abuse my love and best wishes. It is such a difficult and emotive issue, and everyone here has expressed themselves so candidly and compassionately. You all have my utmost admiration. I also wanted to say thank you to Gala for raising the issue of sexual abuse with this well-considered post. The empathy with which you write, Gala, is surely one of the reasons why your readers turn to you for advice. Thank you for being you!
Thank you so much for this article. We have all been told that it was not our fault but somehow… I wrote to you some weeks ago about my ex boyfriend and this is exactly what happened. At least it is part of it.
It is so heartwarming to know that we’re not alone in this.
I want to fucking kill that guy for doing that to you.
I am so very sorry. Gala is right, it’s never your fault. EVER.
I think you should press charges and get a restraining order, and definitely tell the school. My school supposedly has a book with photos and descriptions of all the registered sex offenders who go there and maybe even anyone with a complaint against them: I’m not sure. I think it has to do with Megan’s Law or something, I dunno. It’s in California; I don’t know what the laws are elsewhere but hopefully there is something similar where you are and you can get his photo in there or at least show it to the friends of yours who are talking to him.
I want to say that you should post flyers of his picture with RAPIST written on it all over the school, but that is not good advice. It is me being angry.
My hopes are with you.
Bexxx the fact that your therapist was a crack pot does not define therapists.. i do psychology and i have had experience with rape victims..in fact my best friend was gang raped and throuwn out half naked at the warf… im sure gala means best but i do not think she should be writing on topics she is not qualified for. she gave way to much attention to EFT JUST BECAUSE it worked for HER and few other case studies she has found..BUT in dealings with post traumatic stress CBT and counsellings have been proven as a valid treatment. You have also to consider what kind of person you are dealing with and whether that person already had or acquired another psychological pathology such as frequent panic attacks, depression or obsessive compulsive, after the abuse has taken place! the co morbidity of PTSD and depression or anxiety are in fact very common and if you have both disorder you might need also treatment from depression such as drugs or again a form of CBT. Finally there is personality type to consider. Big five personality traits such as extroversion( is the person talkative assertive versus silent passive and reserved),agreeablenesses(kind trusting and warm versus hostile selfish and mistrustful)conscientious (organized thorough and reliable versus careless negligent and unreliable) emotional stability (even tempered versus nervous moody and temperamental) and openness to experience ( imaginative curious creative versus shallow and imperceptive) as you can see it is important to consider the personality because different people have different levels of these personality traits and thus will react differently to any treatment… there are so many factors to consider to make a correct diagnosis …people who think therapists just pick up DSM-IV-TR diagnostic criteria manual and stick a label on you straight away are wrong as with any profession there are good and bad professionals and it is very important not to forget it. There are bad doctors there are bad executives etc etc . To attempt self healing for MOST (I DID NOT SAY ALL)people is ridiculous and a correct assessment by a qualified good therapist can make a difference sometimes between life and death.
Gala, unfortunately, reading what you have written made me think i am re reading a “help me” section of some girly magazine which sort of shows compassion but doesn’t really say anything new…your words are very kind and I honestly hope they made that girl feel better… but they didn’t my friend who also read it… As she said couple of sweet lovely words and some emofree is not going to make her forget her gang rape. I don’t mean to sound bad or anything but i really think you are better writing about fashion because there you are in your element.. i acknowledge that you were just trying to help a girl who WROTE TO YOU and its very nice of you… but just some of your conclusions are way to subjective and its not fair to give advice without some kind of professional training.
(excuse my writing i am really in a hurry)
MMM — There is a comment above yours from a girl who was raped & used EFT to remove all the trauma associated with it. Unfortunately, unless people are willing to experiment with these seemingly “weird” treatments, they’ll never know how these things could change their life. All I can do is put it out there. I also explained in another comment that counselling in addition to EFT is a good way to go, if you feel that EFT is too weird by itself. As I said to Kimberley above, I'm not a professional & people can only ever speak from their own experience -- which is what I have done, in good conscience.
MMM – I think that help can come from many sources. Possibly, a combination of many sources can help someone who is dealing with emotional trauma. I don’t think professional psychological treatment and self-healing (such as use of EFT) are mutually exclusive. And I don’t think that Gala was suggesting that anyone avoid seeking professional help – she was just offering a suggestion about what has helped her in her own experience. It’s a choice that the individual must make, to figure out what works for them.
I was really touched about this girls’ story and I really loved the article. It was very helpful in many ways and I really wish that the girl who asked felt the same.
I have never heard about this EFT treatment and I’m finding it very interesting. I saw the older posts about it and the video. I don’t have any major problems or traumas in my life, the one thing that really bothers me is that I always cry when I get upset or when I’m angry. It’s really annoying because I can’t control it and I end up crying in front of my professors when I don’t agree with something they do, or in front of my mother when what I really wanna do is be strong and show her I am a grown up woman, and many other embarassing situations. So I was thinking if you Gala could help me figure out what I could say while tapping?
I don’t understand why people think that one can’t help another without being a professional. The girl knows that Gala is not a psychology professional, although she has chosen to ask her. She did this because she thinks Gala is able to help her somehow. And Gala did her best.
I think it’s really rude to tell Gala she should just write about fashion. I mean, I am an Architecture student, therefore am I unable to share my experiences that aren’t related to architecture and building? I don’t think so.
Sorry for the never ending comment and for my English as I’m not a native speaker.
Hugs
Giselle
Gala, I want to thank you so much for introducing me to EFT through your website! It has really helped me get over a lot of difficult things and I’ve been reading a lot about energy fields and the universe because of you! Reading your articles really brighten my day!
That being said, anyone who has a problem with this entry needs to get off their damn high horses and realize that this girl asked Gala for her help. (ASIDE from counseling. “So, my question is how do I deal with this personally, aside from counselling?”) And if Gala would have replied with an “I’m not a psychiatrist. Go to therapy, that will help!” would have been terrible. She was asked for her opinion on how to get over something and she gave it. She treated the issue very seriously and with all necessary respect.
I love you Gala, please keep doing what you’re doing!
yeah tiff! i gotta agree. i’m aware it’s a tough subject for people to discuss but I think no matter what your experiences are with any sort of abuse or torment it is good to try as many treatments as could be beneficial.
a lot of the time, psychiatrists ‘box’their clients & dish out medication. this does not always help the underlying problem, it’s often only a short term solution for the symptoms.
i think if we’re all going to claim to be part of iCiNG we need to learn to accept eachother’s and Gala’s opinions. I’m not saying we should all agree with eachother but we should be treating everyone’s comments with respect and grace.
every one of us is uniquely beautiful and if we can help eachother to realise that… through a website (!) that would be a really great thing.
Iris — Thank you for your comment! It’s so hard really because words never help anyone, they might provide temporary solace but that’s about it. It is really just about support & encouragement, & hopefully the person they are directed at will take some action which then goes on to change their life. Kisses to you!
mzzz — Exactly, the way that we heal is unique as whatever pain we are healing from. No way is better than other ways, as long as they get you there in the end!
Lucie — Those are really good points, it’s so important to have a therapist you LIKE! I never liked any of mine, which of course didn’t help in the long-run. I’m really pleased that it is working for you!
anna — I’m actually going to do another post about EFT soon, since I keep getting questions about it! & I will answer your enquiry then, okay? xx
RMb — Thank you for the book suggestion, I am sure some people who read this will put it to good use! Also, thank you for your support :>
kimberley — No problem, honey. I am delighted for anyone who asks for help, since I think it is a really good first step, & I just wanted to offer her something different from what most people will say (“See a therapist”). Of course, that is valuable but just adding my voice to that chorus & not giving my opinion isn’t being true to myself or to her. But thank you for approaching the situation with respect!
Bexxx — That is a hideous situation, my god, I am so sorry. However! I am SO excited about you using EFT to get off all your meds & be happy! That is such great news & of course, those of us who have used EFT know that that is pretty normal, but I am so thrilled that you have tried it & it has worked for you! YAYYYY! I seriously whooped out loud when I read your comment. BRAVO! I’m so happy for you, darling.
Miaka — I’m really pleased to have been able to help you, after all, that was my intention! I’m glad you have a good counsellor, I think that’s important. With regards to EFT, finding it difficult to concentrate on what you’re doing is a good thing, since it will mean that what you say & the direction it takes you will be very authentic & genuine. Do you know what I mean? I sometimes find that when I am tapping & not really thinking about it, astonishing things come out of my mouth & that really gives me something to work on. I have received some enquiries about EFT recently so I will do a follow-up post where people can ask me questions & I will do my best to answer them, so let me know if you think of anything! Thank you for trusting me enough to share your situation & I hope you start to feel much better soon!
amypalko — Thank you, honey.
Sara — We’re never alone, we just need to know the right people to talk to!
Ruth — I was tempted to go on a “let’s cut his balls off!” rant myself, but decided not to ;> I think your advice about telling the school is a good one though, I have no idea how schools deal with this kind of thing but surely they must have some kind of protocol…
Giselle — Hmm, that’s really interesting. That’s actually a problem I have too, I have been like that for as long as I can remember & I don’t know where it comes from. I am thinking of doing another post on EFT soon & maybe we can work out how to fix our problem together. Would you be keen on that? By the way, your English is perfect! Kisses!
tiff — I am SO happy for you, that is fantastic! Sounds like it is broadening your mind a bit, which is never a bad thing! Thank you for your support, it’s really nice to hear, seriously! :>
natasja — Merci beaucoup! I also have reservations about psychology & psychiatry, I think a lot of the time having a ‘professional’ label us with something hinders us more than helping us. Of course, it can help us understand our behaviour, but it is not at all empowering & can make us feel like we’re never going to change, are resigned to be a failure or screw-up, etc. But that’s my stuff ;> I LOVE your comments about being a part of iCiNG & treating one another with respect & grace, you’ve absolutely hit the nail on the head with that one! Thank you!
Thank you so much for this. It’s such a coincidence you posted this, since recently a friend of mine finally broke his silence and told his parents & a few of his close friends about how he was sexually abused by a stranger when he was in elementary school. So finally it’s hit close to home, and I’m very glad you’re bringing up the subject and helping those who might have had a similar experience. This has also comforted me somewhat, since I wrote him a letter and said half the things that you wrote here.
Thank you for posting this =]
i just have to jump in & do a plug for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). i’ve noticed a few people on this post saying that they don’t feel that therapy is helpful; that all it does is give you a label, or get you to talk about your problems, but not make any steps to fix them. i’ve seen a lot of psychiatrists & psychologists in my time & that was how i felt, too – until i met my wonderful, wonderful cognitive psychologist.
CBT was an entirely different ballgame for me. it’s very ‘hands-on’ & works on challenging negative thoughts & patterns of behaviour & replacing them with more realistic & helpful thoughts & actions. (the wiki article is very good – i want to cut & paste almost the entire thing here, but don’t want to completely spam this post! check it out if you’re interested. i also highly, highly recommend the book ‘mind over mood: change how you feel by changing the way you think’ by dennis greenberger & christine padesky, which is incredibly practical & talks you through the exercises for changing & replacing your thoughts & feelings.)
if you’re feeling like all you do/have done in therapy is talk, & not actually CHANGE anything, then check out CBT. because of it, i am now panic attack free (& i’d been having them since i was a toddler!), have worked through the most of my post-traumatic stress disorder (caused by past sexual abuse) & no longer engage in self-destructive behaviours. ok, so now i am sounding like a late-night ad for CBT (buy now & get these two vacuum-action dusters absolutely free!), so i’m going to stop, but honestly, it was so helpful & empowering for me & i wish it were taught in schools.
sending lots of love to miaka & the other abuse survivors who read iCiNG. xx
Hi Gala.
I’ve been a long time reader of your blog, and I love it! This is the first post I’ve ever commented on as it struck a cord with me.
I’ve tried EFT before to help me with a big presentation and it worked, amazingly. I was completely skeptical about it, but decided to give it a go and it really helped. :) I think that suggesting EFT in this case was a wonderful idea, as it’s not as time consuming as therapy and will help the girl to fit it into her busy schedule.
The reason your blog is such a success is because you are honest, upfront and friendly. I’m sure you have tons of people reaching out to you, because you are an amazing, positive person. I’m glad that you provided advice that anyone can follow, and it’s even made me consider using EFT again to help me with some other issues. I just have to find a new person to take me through it, as my original instructor was a friend and I’d rather work through some things with an impartial person.
Thankyou, for taking the time to help and encourage others through this blog. I’m sure it’s appreciated by many more people who just don’t normally have time to comment. :)
Jenna — That must have been really difficult for him, but wow, it shows incredible strength that he was able to come clean about it. My thoughts are with him :>
annaloren — I’ve heard good things about CBT! It’s marvellous that it works for you. I think after years of talk therapy a lot of people throw in the towel & will never get to experience what good CBT is like, which is such a shame. Thank you for sharing your experiences, though! I similarly wish that EFT was taught in schools :>
mica — That’s fantastic, good for you! I am going to write another post about it soon, so maybe that will give you even more encouragement to start using EFT for other issues! In my experience, you don’t really need someone to teach you. It can be useful but it’s not necessary, I kind of plodded through it alone & it has been fantastic for me! Thank you for your sweet comments, too!
Hello,
this is my first time to this site, but i just wanted to say something to the girl who wrote the letter about being raped. Just know your not alone. Tnere are lots of people out there that can help you. Seeing a counsellor may help you more than you know. Sometimes these things can have an impact on you much later in life and it might be helpful if you have been taught how to deal with it. It never goes away, just each time you think about it, it gets easier to deal with.
Gala, I would never imagine you have the same problem as mine, I would love to try! :)
Hugs
Hello all,
I’m just another first time poster who wanted to say something to the writer of that letter – You may already know this, but I think it bears repeating: Do not feel ashamed of yourself for dating this jerk. Okay? No matter how much you’ve noticed in hindsight, no matter how many supposed early-warning signs you think you missed, or ignored, you are not responsible IN ANY WAY for what he did because he was your boyfriend. You didn’t need to explain to us why you went out with him in the first place, because it didn’t matter to us. Obviously, if it helps you understand what happened, then yeah, it matters a lot. But the only part WE care about is the bit where somebody you trusted has attacked you, and that you’re courageous enough to seek help for that. (Reading between the lines, I suspect you might be kicking yourself a bit, and I wanted to tell you that it’s unnecessary).
I’m not qualified or experienced enough to offer any advice, but I’d like to add a suggestion, which you can feel free to ignore. If it’s possible, try having a joint session with your current boyfriend and your therapist, or invite him to see your therapist on his own. I’m not saying he’s hurting more than you, but he’s obviously feeling quite helpless and talking to a professional might be useful.
Good luck, and take care.
P.S. I used the word ‘jerk’ as an alternative to the names he actually deserves. Those names aren’t really appropriate for a public forum, but everybody can come up with their own expletives!
Hi,
This comment is just in response to a few people who commented and seemed to think that Gala was wrong to write this article. The girl who wrote to Gala asked for her help for a reason and from her reply it seems she got the advice she was looking for so this article has helped the person it was intended to help. Gala may not be a professional but the girl already said she was seeing a councillor and was wanting to know it there were any other ways she could try and get her life back together. I don’t think she was wrong to talk about EFT either as there are many techniques that can help people get over trauma that psychiatrists use which are a bit weirder that EFT. I dont’ see any reaosn why EFT should be dissmissed. It just depends on the person and how they react to different treatments. I’m not entirely sure if I believe in EFT but just now I’m trying it out. Already I’ve been feeling like I can finally move on from a horrible event in my past that is not unrelated from this topic. It just helps me relax and I don’t feel much emotion when I think about it anymore. This is a huge improvment for me as even though I’d come to terms with what happened as it was a long time ago and I’d finally come to accept who was to blame the memory still made me feel physically ill and would make me stressed, panicy or just miserable. I was kinda stunned myself that EFT had helped so much for whatever reason be it to do with the whole acupuncture healing theory or if it somehow just helped calm me and make being reminded of it a lot less painful. Perhaps Gala’s advice wont work for all rape victims but it’s helped a few people already and I don’t see why people have a problem with that. None of her advice though it’s unprofessional is harmful in any way, it’s not the sort of thing that is going to mess around with a persons fragile mental state. EFT is just tapping, if it doesn’t work for someone then all the person has done is waste 10 minutes tapping.
I hope anyone who has been unfortunate enough to have had this sort of experience can move on and enjoy life. This might be odd advice but I feel I’m finally getting over things and I’m finding things that are really helping me are very simple. I feel that making nice changes to your life kinda speeds up and emphasises the whole “moving on” thing. I’m planning on re-decorating my room now that I’ve got the money and I’m getting my hair changed. I’ve made a lot of new friends this year and I feel really distanced from who I was and the life I had when it happened to me.
It might all sound silly but once your feeling ready to move on these little things really help. Or they did for me.
Good luck everyone xx
& Sorry about the huge comment.
i agree with MMM. Gala you are a inspirational fashion journalist but you are not a person who should try to help people with psychological issues. it’s not you’re area and though it was kind of you to write that it’s not her fault, which i can believe will be reassuring you are really not qualified whatsoever to deal with such a problem. I think you mistook her comment to be about EFT. i don’t think it’s about the EFT itself it’s mostly about you writing her about sexual abuse when you shouldn’t have. i’m really sorry if this sounds rude but i mean every word.