Taking The High Road
[ 20 March 2008 ]
Photo by Tim Walker.
“So I made the mistake of falling for my best friend. Which usually can be quite the beautiful thing but in this case, we drove each other mad to the point where I was slamming doors in his face and he was screaming out my window à la Streetcar Named Desire. And then some.
My initial question was, how do I salvage this friendship? I never wanted him to not be in my life, I simply thought my life could have been more full if he was my lover. However, he explicitly said he never wanted to talk to me again, so my first question is rendered useless. Since we both go to a small college, I see him on campus almost every day. And it’s gut-wrenchingly awkward (death stares on his part, turtling into my coat on my part), to the point where it almost makes me cry at times. The more appropriate query would be how do I deal with such interactions? I’ve been declining invitations to parties where I’ll know he’ll be just so I don’t have to see him more than on a path. This seems utterly ridiculous but is my current solution.”
I suppose the first thing I would say is that you shouldn’t allow his inability to be civilised to control your life. I quoted Viktor E. Frankl in a recent article, but what he said is so great that it bears repeating.
“Between stimulus & response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth & our freedom.” — Viktor E. Frankl
Basically what this means is that ultimately, you have absolute, total responsibility for the way your life goes. Other people will act however they like, you can’t change other people. But choosing to allow them to mess up your life is just that: a choice. No one has any power over you unless you give it to them. So the way that you are feeling right now is part of a choice you’ve made.
I don’t blame you for that, though. It is normal to feel the way you do. It is awful when a friendship goes awry — it can shake you to your core & leave you lying awake in the night, wracking your brains as you try to work out what you did wrong. All of this stuff is par for the course. But you & only you have the power to decide when this situation stops controlling your life. If you have a penchant for self-flagellation, you could easily allow this awkward state of affairs to continue until one or both of you leaves college — but why would you want to do that to yourself?
The best thing you can do for your own sanity & self-respect is to take the high road. That might sound kind of confusing, but here is a decoder ring to taking the high road. It means you don’t dignify the other person’s behaviour with a response.
Now, just so we’re clear — saying “I’m ignoring you now!” is a response. Yammering on about how much you “don’t care” about their behaviour to your girlfriends is a response. Rolling your eyes at them is a response, too! Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking we’re not responding when actually we are. No response means no response. It means that the offending person could dance around you naked whooping & yelling & you’d just keep walking.
Of course, it’s easier said than done. In order to get to this stage you need to do a bit of emotional heavy-lifting. You need to grieve the friendship you had — it might sound a bit dramatic, but it’s true. The end of a friendship can be a devastating thing, especially if it’s done on such horrific terms. Choose a time-frame. For example, you might choose to get a bit pouty over it for a week. Read your old email conversations, listen to your favourite songs, have a wallow. Wear black, cry, yell & carry on (err, in private!). As the week draws to a close, you’ll realise it is very much time to pack it in, get over it, switch modes. So move on.
I’d also suggest using EFT to deal with the emotional bracken surrounding the demise of your friendship. You might be feeling a barrage of conflicting emotions, such as guilt, regret, sorrow, embarrassment, anger, shame & fear, & EFT is the best way I’ve found to deal with anything like that. Click here to learn more.
Once your grieving & emotional madness is over, it’s over. There’s no looking back. Well, there is if you want to, but there’s not much point. (“Don’t torture yourself, Gomez! That’s my job.”) You just need to get on with your life.
Hold your head up high — don’t respond to his Super High Drama Factor behaviour. Go out & have fun! Go to any parties you like — whether he is there or not. Kick ass in your exams. Have a Spring romance. Buy a devastating new lipstick. Discover some new bands. Go on a road-trip. Start writing a novel. Paint your bedroom.
It’s your life, & it always has been. Even when he was temporarily holding the reins, it was still yours. You can shape it so that it is anything you want. We are only ever limited by our own perceptions — I hope that’s as great a comfort to you as it is to me.
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala 
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I sometimes find that if there’s an issue between me and someone else, it’s always better to have it all out. Corner them, and discuss it. Tears may be shed, voices may be raised, but sometimes discussing what’s going on in each other’s heads is the only way to sort something out.
I hope that you can salvage your friendship, because it seems like such an awful shame to waste something that’s taken possibly years to carefully construct.
I wish you luck with whatever you choose to do :)
Have you seen the movie Elizabethtown?
Well, it’s one of my favourite movies ever, and there’s this dialogue I love and it jumped into my head as soon as I started reading this article.
“You have five minutes to wallow
in the delicious misery.
Enjoy it, embrace it, discard it…and proceed.” – Claire Colburn (who’s played by Kirsten Dunst)
I really wish you can sort things out because I was in love with my best friend too once, but thankfully I was able to get over it, because a friendship can last forever, while a relationship is less probable to do so, and I can’t imagine my life without him.
I kinda know how you feel…even though I was way younger, I did shed some tears for him.
But now I think of it, it’s all quite ridiculous.
Wallow in the delicious misery. Cry, and suffer. Feel the pain. You’re alive.
Infinite x’s & o’s…
Hiya, dear Gala :)
this must have been some kinda telepathy, cos i was going to send you an email to ask you about EFT. I saw your video on youtube, after somebody told me, EFT is a useful therapy against all kinds of emotional problems and also against headaches. You know, i tried several meds and therapys to get rid of some fears, anger neck- and headaches.
i am still not sure, if EFT is working for me, cos – as you said in your video :)) – it feels a bit silly and useless to do this tapping around eyes and nose against strong pains. in fact, the only reason i dont give it up, is that i saw a woman like you practising it. i m not sure how to explain this on english, hon,i dont have enough words in english, but you know, there are a lot of silly people in new age or esoteric or alternativ medicine. i know that tapping the meridians is a method in TCM, the asian medicine, but i never had good results with it to be honest. But if somebody like you, who matches to my way of living (i am a journalist, i wrote about fashion and i had a weekly colum in a german newspaper for several years, i am an author, artist and fashion-victim lol) says its a good thing and it really works, i will give it a chance. so i would love to hear more about it – from you and maybe the wonderful people in your amazing blog. meanwhile i will keep on tapping my head and hope the best:D Lots of LOVE MISIA xxx
Artemisia — Haha. Yes, it does seem crazy, but it works, so ultimately, who cares?! I’ve written a few things on the subject, one of which is galadarling.com/article/eft which also has lots of emails from iCiNG readers saying how it has helped them! Hope this is useful :> xx
lovely article, i think this is one of my faves
As having had the same exact experience, I have to say whatever you do make amends and end the relationship on good terms. Otherwise you’ll always imagine what if.
In my case we waited two years to talk to each other again. By the time I told her that I had loved her, she told me she was married and had regretted it and wished we had stayed together.
So make amends before you regret it.
That photo is awesome. And I love the post. :) Bookmarked for later reading (the feed).
wow GALA! thanx so much for your quick answer! wooot :)
and yes; that was very interesting and useful, exactly what i was looking for! thanx for all your awsome work you did and do here! happy eastern hon, love and hugs
misiaxxx
I think that the anger and pain caused by something that people percieve as a simple crush as a crush on a friend is highly underrated. I had the opposite problem when I told my friend that I liked him he proceeded to use me up and I happily went along with it.
For me. I had to delete everything inorder to get over it. Block and delete his facebook/myspace/msn from my accounts. Remove his photos of us together from my computer. Just so I had no temptations to wollow and contact him. I stopped myself from thinking that it was all my fault and that I let him use and abuse me and instead starting thinking that it was his problem that he abused the position he was in.
Its tough and its hard but sometimes the hardest ways are the best x
Beautiful advice, Gala . . . And the Addams Family quote was a lovely touch ;).
i’ve had a very similar experience, and i have to see my ex every day at uni. it’s difficult, and i still feel a horrible twist of “BUT I LOVE YOU!” in my stomach every time i see him – the key is not to let him know that. i ignore him most of the time. if we have to pass each other in the corridor and there’s no way we can ignore each other, i smile, say hi and then carry on. it still hurts inside, but he no longer has a way to get any power over me.
Ditto sophie~, except that I actually live with my ex! The best thing I have done is to stop all interaction with him where ever possible, to leave the room when he walks in but with my head held high instead of instead of it being a panicked escape.
I really feel for the girl in the email, I went out with one of my best friends and he ended up hurting me really badly. It ruined our friendship and because our other friends and us are so close knit it was hard still seeing him. I took the high road with it and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. I have eventually come to forgive him, but it took a long long time. It was hard as he ended up going out with someone else straight after hurting me and it made me mad that he got to be happy and I was left picking up the pieces, I’m now in the best relationship ever and I would not have gotten here if it hadn’t have happened, but hindsight is a wonderful thing!!
I hope everything turns out ok.
Sunshine & Sparkles
xxxx
fantastic post, Gala! I wish I had known this about a year ago… :p I tend to bring drama to post-relationship negativity. haha.
I’m sending the writer loads of good wishes for being brave and following your advice!! ♥ ♥ ♥
Oh and to Ruby…I had to do the same thing, I completely agree, not being able to contact them is best because then you aren’t tempted!!
Sunshine & Sparkles
xxxx
hi! off-topic, but saw this (second) ring and thought ‘oooh, that’s so gala.’
http://shopfriends.blogspot.com/2008/03/ring-in-your-friday.html
what im going to say dont have much in common with your today article, but i want to thank you!! today i made little posters with inspiring quotes from people i admire, i made this after reading a link you gave in an article days ago. this little posters really make me happy and help to begin the day in harmony.
my english kinda sucks, cause im from south america, and here we speak spanish… dunno if you read all the comments here, but anyway! thanks! :D
Thanks a lot for this post. I’ve been dealing with a “dead” friend ship for many months now, and I am tired of getting death glares and nasty whispers when I walk by, usually I just stay away and hide..but now I’m going to try to take the “high road”...thank you so much!
Phenomenal advice Gala, you have such compassion and insight and wiseness. And this advice can be applied to a lot of other situations not just the death of a friendship. Thank you so much, because a lot of what was said in this article I needed to be reminded! I’ll be taking the high road from now on. Indifference is so much better than drama. xoxo
I believe that before you can begin to grieve the end of a friendship, it’s important to first try to talk things out with your friend. I don’t believe that just walking away will make things better; it can only make the possibility of regret greater for the future. I think whoever wrote in should first try to talk to her friend again, and get a better understanding of what he’s thinking and feeling, so they can work it out together.
This past summer I got an apartment with a very good friend of mine, and soon after we moved in, he confessed his love for me. I didn’t feel that way about him, and it really freaked me out, but after talking about it all a couple days later, we were able to move on and continue to be good friends. It’s been awkward at times between us since then, but I’m grateful that I was able to retain a friendship with him. I think that’s most important of all: keeping people in our lives that we care about. It’s often hard to work for, but in the end it’s totally worth it.
I feel like you deserve someone better than this guy. If he is really harboring that much anger then he may not be the most positive influence on your life.
Even if he is the best friend you ever had, if he is so unforgiving than it might just be time to let it go.
Plus evil looks ? that sounds really immature to me, maybe it’s time to look for friends that are more grown up too.
If he can’t forgive then it’s about time for you to forget.
“It’s your life, & it always has been. Even when he was temporarily holding the reins, it was still yours”
I am wowed by this line, probably because it sounds exactly like something my best friend would have said to me. A few years back, she helped me through the worst break-up of my life and she constantly showered me with empowering quotes and bits of advice. I think this is why I love your blog, Gala-it’s like reading the thoughts and advice of a dear best friend! (:
Great article, Gala! (I just got back from Easter, so I’m late commenting.) I’ve had similar ‘end-of-friendship’ experiences, and once long ago a wise friend advised me to maintain my integrity. To me, this means being a good (not nasty) person, and holding on to my belief in myself as a good (not nasty) person. I try to behave ‘professionally’ towards people who have led me to grieve for the loss of our friendship – always say hi, but that’s all it needs to be. I live in a very small town and work with young people, so there is no point in getting into a grudge-feud with parents of children that I have contact with.