The Break-Up Rules
[ 15 May 2007 ]
Have any of you seen the new music video for Heart Shaped Glasses by Marilyn Manson? For those of you who don’t keep up with Mazza’s antics (& I don’t blame you), his wife, the gorgeous Dita Von Teese, recently left him on account of his “lifestyle” & the fact that he was tooling around with a 19 year old girl. Manson is 38, so that’s a pretty significant age difference.
This is the video — & it’s definitely not work-safe. If you don’t want to watch it, let me describe it for you. The first couple of minutes feature Manson & his new girlfriend, Evan Rachel Wood, having sex. Hey, I didn’t say it was classy. The thing is that it’s not even artistic, it is completely gratuitous, & it couldn’t be more obvious that he is just trying to upset his wife, in a very cruel manner.
Which brings me to my next point. Relationships are the accumulation of mutual respect, the sharing of secrets & experiences. By contrast, break-ups are painful & ugly, especially if you’re the one who has been dumped. But where do we draw the line? What is acceptable break-up behaviour, & what kind of thing cements your place as an inhuman monster? What are the break-up rules?
Here are my ideas, but I’d love to hear yours as well.
Never try to be friends — at least, not fresh from the break-up.
Trust me, it is a recipe for disaster, & usually founded on personal agendas & ego. What do you gain from remaining close buddies with your ex-boyfriend? Well, it gives you a level of control, & since he probably still trusts your opinion, it means you have the power to veto any girl he might become interested in. You can retain the comfort of his support without allowing either of you time to grieve the relationship or find yourself. If you’re the one who broke up with him, you’re giving him false hope that maybe, if he’s good enough to you, you’ll get back together again. Having one another to lean on may seem like an appealing option, but you’re also faced with the temptation to sleep together or get back together again. It’s a very dangerous situation. Just cut the rope — you can do it the long, slow way, or the quick, fast way. I encourage going for the latter. Please, give it at least a few months before attempting some version of “friendship”.
Never badmouth your ex-lover.
It is one thing to discuss your relationship with your best friend & comb over the wreckage together. It is quite another to tell everyone in your (& their) social circle about your ex-girlfriend’s bad hygiene, sexual hang-ups or lack of personality. You may think it makes your ex look bad, but actually, it makes YOU look bad. It makes you look bitter & cruel, & really, that is the least attractive thing of all. (It also guarantees that no one who knows is going to want to get involved with you.) It also demonstrates your complete lack of integrity or respect for another person’s privacy.
Get rid of all their stuff.
Either give it to them or put it in a drawer somewhere. Obsessing over photographs, mementos & shirts which smell like their perfume is only going to impede your progress.
Stay single.
While finding someone new to rebound with may seem like a pleasant distraction, it is never going to make your situation any better. Your new lover (read: victim) is in an awful position, where they probably think you actually like them for who they are, when actually you just want someone to toy with. I know that sounds bad, but it’s true. When you break up with somebody, it leaves a void. A new person is not going to fill that for you — you need to learn how to make YOURSELF happy, before you’re ready to get into a relationship with a new person. You will constantly compare them to your ex, & all you’re going to end up with is a transference of emotion which is only going to make you feel worse in the long-run.
Don’t try & seek revenge.
You may feel like your ex-lover has irrevocably hurt you. It is not your job to “get them back” for that. Leave it up to karma, the universe, God or fate. This is not your job. Trying to extract revenge isn’t going to make you feel any better. Remember, all the energy you invest in them is time you could be spending making yourself happy. Do that instead.
Keep yourself busy but don’t try to distract yourself.
Along with the temptation to start sleeping with someone else, you may also feel the need to get really drunk or high, shoplift, self-mutilate, starve yourself or something else to distract yourself from the pain. This might seem to work in the interim, but really, it isn’t doing you any favours, & the rest of your life is going to suffer because of it. You will certainly need ways to occupy yourself, & therein lies the distinction. Do things which are productive & useful. Write, paint, sing, go dancing, bake cupcakes, start exercising, read a book a night.
Learn to love yourself.
It’s true that you cannot be in a healthy relationship until you love yourself. There are a few reasons for this. One is that if you don’t really love & appreciate yourself, you’re not going to attract the sort of person who will properly respect you & treat you well. (They will see that you don’t look after yourself & feel that they can do the same thing.) Another is that your lack of love for yourself will mean you rely on other people’s approval, & cling desperately to your lover because of insecurity. Sometimes it can be hard to know where the relationship ends & you begin. If you feel like your personality has disappeared, or you no longer remember what you are interested in, take the time to work this stuff out. You will be a better person for it.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions.
Feeling angry, hurt, lonely or desperate is natural. Don’t try to deny or suppress these feelings, just let yourself feel them. Of course, there comes a point where this becomes unbearable, & most people like to self-medicate here by drinking & the like. This doesn’t help, it just delays the process. My number one suggestion would be to try using tapping (or EFT) on the problem. I use EFT for every problem I have — I don’t go to therapy anymore or take medication. It seems weird, but it works, & I have used it on everything. Click the link & follow the instructions. You might try doing a round where you say, “I feel lonely & rejected”. Seriously, please try it, it might be the best thing you ever do for yourself. It certainly was for me. (I might write more about it later if you guys are interested!)
Above all, remember that you are the creator of your own fabulous life. You could dye your hair purple, start ballet lessons or go backpacking across Romania — it is entirely up to you. Seize the freedom & make the most of every second!
Extra For Experts:
How To Get Over A Break Up from The Relationship Gym. An excellent article.
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
Tags: life Share this! + Email This + Del.icio.us
+ Facebook
+ Stumbleupon
+ Technorati
Comment
Read more tagged life...
What To Do With Candles In Glass Jars? Random Acts Of Kindness Style Tips -- 10th May 2007 Madame Pompadour Living It Up At Burning Man Homesickness Be Your Own Superhero iCiNG's Definition Of Chic
it’s odd how this was posted right as i logged online with the intention to talk to my ex (of two months) for nearly the first time since our break up. he wants to be friends because i am moving to the town that he lives in for the summer (not because of him, because of a job). i don’t know what to do…it doesn’t seem polite to say “no” but i know that i miss him somewhat and don’t want to get hurt if he doesn’t feel the same…sigh
hopefully i can stay busy :)
Dita is drop-dead gorgeous and sooo incredibly sexy.
I don’t understand?!!
And EVAN RACHEL WOOD? What a strange triangle.
i don’t know if this was triggered in any way by what i’m going through (if you’ve even read my journal) but break-ups really seem to be in the air.
A good read – i think i’m handling things pretty well so far & have perspective about what i’ve learned, as well. thankfully, no bitterness (yet…).
Mary Bee — Yeah, I’m convinced it has something to do with the changing of the seasons. I have written about this topic before but I get so many emails about what to do when a relationship ends, I thought a re-hash was worthwhile :>
Dita Von Teese is divine. <3
I totally love that photo! (Because I’m all about the superficial.) What IS that diaphanous piece of gorgeousness you are wearing?
Nadine — Thank you sweetheart! It’s a dress I bought at age 14 (or thereabouts?) for $20, & I have treasured it ever since. I don’t know much about clothing but I do know that it’s very old fabric, reconstructed into a dress. I normally wear a t-shirt over the top, but it’s gorgeous, I shouldn’t really. Here is a shot of the skirt… http://flickr.com/photos/galadarling/270028918/in/set-72157594331766573/ I should take a photo of the whole thing sometime!
Great advice on the exes. One thing that helps me, too, is to remember that no matter what, this will eventually be okay—even though it might take a long, long time; and in the meantime, it’s totally all right to do whatever you need to do in order to perk yourself up a bit—be it a good meal, a new lip balm, a jaunt out of town, or a good book.
I love your blog and look forward to reading your entries every day. :-D
It’s a FABULOUS photograph!
dear lord… I read this article before going to bed last night and it gave me crazy dreams about being chased through the streets of NYC by my boyfriend and ex boyfriend and eventually ended up in some weird underground world! and me not know which one of them I could trust.
I think it was what you said about not badmouthing you ex… because I have badmouthed him quite a bit… but in all fairness, all my friends/family/acquaintance have badmouthed him ALOT more than I have… which leads me to believe that he is actually just a bad person.
eh
vintagebluesuitcase — You’re so right, it’s really a case of doing whatever is necessary to make yourself feel better, as long as it’s not something wildly destructive!
Roo — Thank you! It was quite a random shot I took ages ago but it is one of my most popular photos on Flickr, I don’t really get it! Haha!
Anna Rose — Aieee, I had a weird dream too, where my boyfriend murdered some of my parents’ friends (we planned it) & then I had to lie to everyone & try to convince them he hadn’t. It was BAD BAD BAD.
Interesting, but Rose McGowan left MM for the “lifestyle” reason as well. And REW as a new-fashioned Lolita? She’s a bit too old for that.
i definitely thinking you should write an article about EFT. i watched that video and it sounds really interesting. i’d love to read what you have to say about it!
gala please write more about EFT. :-)
also consider your exs friends. everytime you try to be all friendly with your ex after breaking up, we have to laugh uncomfortably when the ex makes fun of you to us.
That’s all excellent advice. Especially the part about not badmouthing your ex, waiting for a few months before trying to be friends again, and backpacking through Romania. (Ha) Excellent advice. And I love that photograph of you with the glasses! You’re much prettier than Marilyn Manson’s new lover.
Weird that you just found www.julieinjapan.com through looking around! Can I ask how exactly you found it? I think it’s neat to know, because I found out that my site comes up in the top five if you google search “japan vegetarian organic” and I think that’s so random.
xox
Julie
Sarah & Athena — Thanks for the encouragement ;D
Julie — I am SO GLAD I found you again! I wondered what had happened to you. I remember reading about your awful experiences in Switzerland with that insane woman. I actually found you via an update you’d written on an LJ comunity, livinginjapan or something, where you said you’d started a blog on the subject. I recognised your oooold user icon. I cannot even begin to tell you how exciting it was! I’m going to write about your website on my links page too.
Dear Gala,
I love reading this blog because you give so much advice and how a lot of personality.
Please could you write something about learning to love yourself... I think you have pretty good advice for this topic!
Your advise is always fantastic; clever and practical, without being cheesey. Thanks.
re: s_nick
it’s a virgo thaang.
Awesome photo!
hey nice glasses! i was just gonna mention the marilyn manson clip. its real disturbing. and i heart dita. imagine how she feels!
thanks for the breakup advise. its so important to love n honour yourself. n just get to know urself again :)
wow! that EFT sounds like the shizz!
Please write more about it!
thanks lovie
p.s. I am stunned by the whole Mazza and Evan thing – I used to watch ‘Once and Again’ a family drama tv show and Evan played this geeky little girl on it – who’da thunk it?
Apparently she said that Manson could stab her in the heart and that was then he fell for her.
Bah!
me and my boyfriend actually broke up may 15th or something, but then got back together a week later. I find that scary. Especially since me and my girlfriends noticed this pattern then too!! If we last to next may, I’m not gonna see him for that whole month. Gala you’re so right.
Marilyn Manson left Dita Von Teese for Evan Rachel Wood? well i’ll be damned…even i wouldnt have been that StUpId
Btw Awesome Advice :D
x x x
Any suggestions for how this would apply to me? He was pretty much my best friend before we got together. A few days ago I decided to call it quits after it being nearly four years. I still see him as often as five times a week because of certain commitments. Dear oh dear.
What a way to make an initial comment!
And Gala, I love your blog, your aesthetic and your philosophy on life. Those little daily emails which you suggested we subscribe to are a wonderful way to begin the day. If self-help is cheesy, so be it, I need all the help I can get! Much love.
I own a pair of his heart shaped glasses that he wore on stage. I about broke my back getting them, but I did. He signed them after the show. Good luck!!!
i break up with my bf 8 months ago…!!!but y does he still contact me gala..?i still sad until now….gala….i cant forget my ex..!!!wat can i do to forget him..?thank 4 the break up advice gala…!!!!
I’m so glad you wrote this! i broke up with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago, and last night he happened to be at the same party as me. I didn’t do anything to grab his attention or upset him in anyway what so ever, but he kept taking stabs at me the whole time and slipping in extemly rude and hurtful personal stories about me. i didn’t say anything back to him or anything, i’m glad it seems like i did the right thing.