The New New Romantics
[ 4 March 2008 ]
[Guest post by Audrey.]
Photo by Nick Haymes
“I’m usually nervous around girls, but finally worked up the courage to talk to a girl I like and asked her out. Now we have plans to do something next week, and I have no idea what to do or where to take her. Help!”
It would seem that I caused a furore a little while ago with my article on How To Be A Gentleman, and quite by surprise too. For the longest time, I was of the opinion that guys were just a little scared of using their manners, but I never realised the level this fear had reached. Amongst other things, I covered in that article how to be nice and respectful to a perfect stranger and even break the ice. I’m now being turned to for advice on the next step once you have a girl’s attention: the dreaded first date.
Understandably, preparations for a first date are a time of extreme nervousness and worry. First impressions do, in fact, count. Ask any couple if they remember the instant they saw their partner for the very first time and I bet they remember all sorts of minute details. So of course, you’ll need to make sure you’re looking and smelling your best when the night in question rolls around. However, planning a date actually requires starting at the end and planning backwards, so you first need to work out what you’re going to do and then organise accordingly.
Coming up with some sort of activity is the hardest part. I remember the first time I actually had a date after I got out of a very long term relationship a few years back. It was with a girl I barely knew — we had just met and hadn’t really talked yet. Young and naive, I took her on the regulation dinner-and-movie date and it was such a disaster. There was forced, awkward conversation over a boring dinner at an ordinary café. We sat quite uncomfortably next to each other at the cinema and watched the movie. And predictably, it ended in even more awkward stammering and actions when I dropped her home afterwards. Needless to say, she never returned my phone-call for a second date!
Learn from my mistakes, gentleman! That kind of formal, rigid first-date stuff doesn’t cut it any more, so don’t just dinner-and-movie-date her and think you’re rocking her world! If you think you might like this girl, spend some time seeing what will make the date fun and enjoyable. What is she into? What does she like? You want the date to be fun, it’s as simple as that. As long as she has a good time and you both laugh and enjoy yourselves, it will be a success. This is where some subtle homework will help you out.
Since you’ve asked this girl out, I’m going to assume that you’ve at least had a reasonable amount of conversation with her, and not just blurted out an invite to some random girl at a bar you thought you felt a connection with. I have to say that I wouldn’t recommend pulling out all the stops for a really romantic date with someone you’ve just met. Casually catching up with her away from the flowing alcohol and blaring dance music is a much better way to get to know each other before you decide whether you’d like to spend more time as something more than friends. I think actual dates should be reserved for people you have a proven connection with. And this first, informal step is where you’ll get your inspiration for your real “date”.
Photo by Nick Haymes
I’m frankly a little reluctant to give you the following piece of advice, but in this modern day it is a viable (and very common) option. if you want to learn more about them to make sure a date is going to be special or to draw some inspiration of what they like, you can always have a quick peek at their Myspace or Facebook profile. These sites can be good to double-check their taste in music, beliefs and politics. It can be very useful to look them up and see, for example, that her political or religious views are completely opposite to yours — thus saving you the embarrassment and uncomfortable silences when you actually spend time together. Just try and keep an open mind – opposites attract as they say. Don’t write her off straight away just because she has written something strange like “Recycling sucks!” on her profile. Maybe she’ll open your mind and you’ll learn new things.
Please though, promise me you won’t overdo it and become some psycho online stalker. It’s perfectly acceptable to have a quick poke around to check some details, but it’s something else all together to have snooped around all her photos, memorised her list of favourite authors, checked out her friends and made notes of her in-jokes. Chill out a bit — if you go overboard, sites like these can really kill the mystery. I think the best part of dating someone new and those first few months is getting to learn about them, hearing stories and building a relationship. You get to meet the special people in their lives, discover you both have a secret love of an obscure band, that kind of thing. Doing too much homework is going to completely destroy all of these awesome things, and you’ll come across as a really, really creepy guy — even if it’s just that you were a bit overly enthusiastic.
So, Casanova, still no ideas? Here are some suggestions: maybe there’s something you know she’ll be keen on. And I’d love to hear from the nonpareils and get their tips on great first dates.
Make a picnic and take her to an awesome park in autumn. Eat great food and jump in piles of leaves.
Hire two bikes and find a lake or nice part of the city to ride around (could incorporate the picnic!).
Weather permitting, buy a huge ice cream sundae and share it.
Look up if your city has a ‘Cinema in the Park’ event over summer and let her pick the movie.
If she’s an artistic gal, take her to the local gallery and ask her to pick her favourite pieces.
Buy two tickets for a band that’s coming that you happen to know she likes. Bonus points if you snag an autograph for her!
Whatever you do, just make sure it’s something memorable, interesting and fun. Something that allows her to be herself, while also allowing her to see the real you. Good luck!
Love letters & feather headdresses,
Tags: advice,
how to,
life,
monsieur Add Gala on Twitter!
Yay, thanks Audrey! I love the photos you used too!
Make sure to choose an activity where, if things get awkward (like lack of conversation), the activity can relieve that tension. The more you do, the easier the date can (note the word can, not will) be!
Good tips :].
Although the movie date is always good first, as you don’t have to make up too many things to say to dodge awkward silences.
And checking out their MySpace/Facebook/whatever profile is probably good too. Like, if a guy planned a BBQ or something as a date with me, it would be totally awkward, because I don’t eat meat. But if he looked at my profile, he’d know I’m a vegetarian and we wouldn’t have the whole “I don’t eat meat.” “..Oh.” conversation, hahaha.
My best first date: to a bookstore across town I’d never been to before. It was awesome, and the guy won major points with me, not least because it was somewhere he’d been wanting to go too. Granted a guy who likes going to bookstores would never do poorly with me but I like to know that the guy is having fun too.
my boyfriend takes me on awesome dates, we always do something different & last week he took me to Eureka towers where we went out in that scary glass cube thing! it was so cool & different (and we got a funny photo taken which is always good) x
Jenn — That is awesome. I had some good secondhand bookshop-based pseudo-dates with my boyfriend when we first met!
Megan — Oops, sometimes in my rush to post I forget to credit ;D
When I was still clueless as to my sweetie’s intentions, he asked me to teach him how to knit, and took me to the yarn store to help him pick out yarn and needles for the project. I was full of glee at going to the yarn store (as I always am! I love yarn stores!), and didn’t realize that it was all just a ploy!
One of the best things we’ve done was going on a multimedia scavenger hunt where we ran around the city taking pictures of things, answering trivia, and making videos acting out clues. Ours was set up by TheGoGame.com, but even a good old-fashioned scavenger hunt (preferably made by someone else so you’re not just retreading the hunt you made up!) would be a lot of fun for a first date. Or poke around the task list here and make a list of some of the things you’d like to try around your city: sf0.org/tasks/
I agree that the important thing is to have an activity planned (and perhaps even a back-up or two; don’t plan on karaoke night if it turns out she’s got stage fright!) and to have fun getting to know each other!
prays for someone to ask her on a super awesome date…no not happening in the near future
I think if your going to do the whole food thing make it super fun like fondue at one of those chocolate cafes or tepinaki.
I always think the movies are a good opition but I’d be super impressed if I was taken to a super cool cinema like the astor in St Kilda (which can show some arthouse,classics and all round cool films) or acmi.
Oh and if I someone took me to a band/something music/to a old record store…I think I’d love them forever….
Making it casual and fun, atleast for me, is always the best way! I get uber scared off if its all serious.
this was really helpful. I have a girlfriend and i can always see it on her face that she wants to go on a secong date as ‘cause the first was was a HUGE success!;)
i now have more ideas.
thanks!:)
These ideas were really sweet Jen, lovely post, pictures included, they happen to be some of my favourites, so I was glad to see them alongside this great post.
I love picnic dates, i always organise one for Valentines day :D
I think the best first-dates I’ve had have been with my current boyfriend. The first time we hung out, I invited him over to my house to eat homemade vegan ice cream and listen to jazz because I knew it was something we both liked. The next time we hung out, we went dumpster diving, then to this dingy diner we discovered both loving. On another one of our first dates, he surprised me with episodes of Pete and Pete that he’d downloaded because he remembered me mentioning my fondness for the show. Then we stayed up all night playing cards and goofy kids games like rock paper scissor. However, I think our all-time best date was when we went to this really cheesy farm-themed miniature golf place that played banjo music on a loop in the background. We had so much fun laughing about the whole thing, and then we had a picnic! Later, we played games in a park and went back to my house to eat avocadoes and watch a funny documentary. Ahhh, such romance… We’ve had fancier dates like burlesque shows and sit-down dinners and stuff, but I think the really playful ones have been the most memorable. As long as you’re creative and thoughtful about it, anything you come up with is sure to be a hit (even if you and this girl aren’t).
The fact that you mentioned that Facebook thing is hilarious, because checking my Facebook was what made my current boyfriend decide to go for me, and what made our conversations up through our first date really engaging and fun—even though I was completely clueless.
One of the best first dates I’ve been on runs totally counter to some of this advice.. The guy took me to a baseball game. Neither of us really cared about baseball, but I think that actually made it better. There’s plenty to distract you if you’re stuck for conversation, but when the conversation’s going well you can just tune out the action around you. Hunching down in your seats talking about music while everyone around you is standing up doing The Wave is kind of romantic! Plus they have beer in case you get nervous and, unlike in a movie theater, it’s totally acceptable to raise your voice to be heard by your date. I totally recommend baseball, or some other slow, corny professional sport you can enjoy outdoors on a summer evening.
Great tips!
Another good date is take the girl to a paint-it-yourself pottery/ect place. There is a wide variety to choose from and the pieces are all ready made. All you have to do is paint and they do the rest. It takes a little bit so it’s a perfect opportunity to talk and get to know each other. If I’m not mistaken you can also bring food w/ you while you create.
I also agree w/ the baseball idea(although I prefer soccer games). I find it really hard to be awkward or nervous when there is a stadium of screaming – sometimes painted – fans hooting and booing. It’s very entertaining.
Movies in general are very lame to me. You can’t talk in them and therefor you don’t get to know each other. This is just my opinion but movies are strictly a girls night out thing for me. I like to joke and make fun w/ my friends and I can’t do that on a date because I don’t know anything about this guys sense of humor.
i just saw the new sex and the city preview and thought of you!
www.sexandthecitymovie.com/?en…
I’ve only gone on two dates in my life and neither of them were particularly special or recent (woe) but I remember there was a message in the “Lovestruck” section of thelondonpaper (one of the free newspapers commuters get in London, Lovestruck is where people send in messages for people they saw or talked to out in London so they can get in contact) where this guy asked this girl out for cake. I was so jealous! I want somebody to take me out for cake! Really cute :)
This reminds me of the best date I ever went on. I was working one day in a retail store, bored out of my mind when I served a guy who was quite chatty. I didn’t really take notice as I was busy counting the clock to home time. Anyway, he left the store then came back in and said “that’s it, I’m taking you out to dinner, when are we going?”. I was so taken aback that I gave him my number and thought to myself, hmmm this guy has confidence, I like him. Later that night I found out a relative had died suddenly and was quite upset. I was flatting in Sydney with my close family and friends in New Zealand so was quietly grieving by myself when the date guy called! He was so great and talked to me about it, then said “right I’m picking you up, see you soon.” 20 minutes later he was there with flowers he had handpicked. He drove me to a beautiful pub and bought French champagne and two crystal champagne glasses then drove me to a private beach he knew. We climbed up a hill and over some rocks and ended up on a cliff looking over the sea and Sydney city. It was so beautiful, so special and so perfect, and I felt like a princess! We drunk champagne and talked about everything and anything under a clear sky and full moon. Unfortunately we didn’t work out, but I always hold the memory of that perfect date with someone who made me feel like the perfect girl :).
google http://google.com yahoo http://yahoo.com