The Ultimate Crush Decoder Ring!
[ 4 February 2008 ]
I get emails all the time from people who are in the grips of a major crush. The kind of crush that lives up to its name — the sort that squeezes your insides, makes you hyperventilate & always makes you feel like you’re not being very impressive at all. I realised I hadn’t written an article on how to stop a crush from becoming a crash, or how to salvage the wreckage if it does, & with Valentine’s Day coming up, it seemed appropriate! So, here it is — your crush decoder!
Problem: I don’t know how to talk to _______, & oh my god he/she is the cutest thing EVER!
Solution: Talking to people is quite easy but somehow, when we meet the person of our dreams, it’s like our mother tongue is Dork & our second language is Nerd. It can lead to very embarrassing moments. I once had a crush on a comedian that was so all-consuming that whenever we spent time together, I could barely even speak. Needless to say, it didn’t go far.
The trick to talking to people you are nervous about or don’t know is to find some common ground & then start asking questions. Don’t be all Spanish inquisition, & don’t give them the third degree either, just keep it relaxed. The trick with asking people questions is that it gives you more time to admire their mouth while they’re talking. Um, I mean, it gives you a break & allows you to think of something else to ask them! Plus, people loooove to talk about themselves — ask anyone.
The subject matter of the conversation is going to differ depending on the situation. Do you go to school together or work together? That can make life easier — you can talk about classes, teachers, managers, assignments, the people around you. If the object of your affections is a little more random, it can be a little trickier but is not impossible by any stretch of the imagination. If, for example, they work in a shop, ask them to help you find something, & while they do, just start a conversation. You know, usual small-talk stuff — how long have they worked there, do they like it, what are their dreams for the future, etc. If you go to the same cafe, maybe talk to them while you queue up, or ask if they’d like to sit with you. It seems scary but hey — he who dares wins (or something). You have to make the leap of confidence, otherwise you’ll never know!
I would also encourage you to “be yourself”. I know that sometimes when people tell you that it sends you into a blind panic, because all you can think of is your bad passport photo & recent exam scores, but what I really mean is — don’t try to be anyone else. Unless you are comfortable playing the sexy vixen or the suave gentleman, don’t. Just be you — your friendly, off-beat, cheeky self.
Problem: How can I ask _______ out on a date? But not, y’know, a real date, just an excuse to spend some time together.
Solution: This is really a continuation of the question above. So, strike up a conversation, & after you’ve established some rapport, ask if they want to have lunch/a coffee/a drink sometime. Swap numbers. Remember to call. Golden.
Problem: My crush used to act like he/she reciprocated my feelings but now he/she is acting all weird & won’t talk to me!
Solution: First rule of relationships & love: people are weird. Some people seem to change their feelings on a dime & all of a sudden start acting as if you are Queen (or King) of the Lepers. It hurts, of course. Your thoughts start to race. ‘What did I do wrong? What did I say?!? Did I breathe tuna sandwiches on them?!? Did I just morph into a hideous mud-monster?!?’ You know how it goes.
Talk to them about it. Say, “Hey. Things used to be cool between us but now you’re giving me wedgies & torturing my goldfish. What’s going on?” Then they will either tell you (“I just can’t handle your Spice Girls obsession — sorry”) or not (”...”). If they tell you, you can either try to remedy it or tell them to take a flying leap. Spice Girls ‘obsession’ — piffle! & if they don’t tell you or are otherwise difficult, believe me, it is their loss & not yours. Some people are just a bit stinky. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. You can’t crawl inside anyone’s head or make them change their mind, so don’t waste your energy. Stay away from them & find something else to keep you busy for the next little while.
Problem: _____ is obviously my dream lover but they have a boy/girlfriend already. How do I get rid of them?
Solution: Whoah there, soldier! While your dream lover’s lover is obviously a pesky obstacle, dabbling in home-wreckery is not your best laid plan. There are a few reasons for this, like for example, if your dream lover is susceptible to some new person coming along (you), who’s to say that that won’t happen to you six months down the track? But the real reason for not going there is that it will become an ugly mess & if you respect your dream lover — I mean, truly respect them & want what is best for them — you should also respect the relationship they’re in.
Not all relationships are perfect & it is common for one half of the couple to have a whinge from time to time about how so&so doesn’t pick up his socks from the floor or how little miss never does the dishes. However, you’ll be better off if you don’t read into that as some kind of false clue that they want out of the relationship & they consider you their life-raft. They are probably just venting. If you feel evil hooks growing over your hands that give you the urge to tear their relationship asunder & run away to a cave with your dream lover, please, do yourself a favour & back away. This is not a nice side of you!
Problem: My dream lover says he/she wants to leave his/her current relationship & be with me! The delight is palpable! But… I don’t know. Something feels wrong.
Solution: In this scenario, there are a few very probable outcomes.
Number one: The scorned ex-lover will hate you & so will all their friends, co-workers, hairdressers, etc. This can make life difficult if you live in a small town & don’t fancy cutting your hair yourself.
Number two: Since your dream lover will be jumping from one relationship to the next, it will be complicated. I am a firm believer that everyone needs a break between relationships. It’s just a good thing to do — it helps you sort out the emotional bracken, allows you to re-establish who you are & what you want, & gives you a breather. I think being alone is really good for people, since being in a relationship it’s all too easy to be co-dependent & never really learn how strong or capable you are. The other risk when you jump from one relationship to the next is that you get transference of emotion — that’s when your emotions for the last person swap over to the new person. While it might be nice to be instantly in love, it’s not real & it causes problems later when the bliss wears off & you both realise that the person you’re with is not who you expected.
If your dream lover really does want to leave his or her current lover, then of course that’s their choice & their life. But if you actually want things to work out between the two of you long-term, let them know that you would like there to be a significant (i.e., at least a couple of months) break between the ex & you. Explain why & see how they react. Hopefully if they have a brain & some emotional stability they will be cool with this. On the other hand, some people, when you tell them this, will decide you’re too much trouble & not leave their partner. While this sucks at the time, you will look back on it in a few months & be so very grateful. Trust me!
Problem: My dream lover’s lover is so AWFUL! I hate him/her! If only they would go away, my dream lover would be so much happier & capable of so much more! I don’t understand why they don’t just leave!
Solution: People’s problems are their own. Let it go. Move on.
Problem: I think I’m in love with my best friend. HELP!
Solution: Well, this is really up to you. I encourage taking the plunge & telling the truth, something like, “Max, we have been best friends for a long time but things are changing & well, do you mind if I kiss you?” Sure, it might destroy the friendship. But it could also be the best relationship of your life. I think it’s worth the chance.
Problem: I’ve never had a boy/girlfriend before & I don’t know how to kiss!
Solution: You need to enrol in Gala’s Kissing Boot-Camp, toute de suite!
Problem: Where can I take my crush for a cool, interesting date?
Solution: If I was feeling exceptionally twee, I’d say something like “It doesn’t matter where you go if the company’s good”. Which is true, but honestly, that’s not really going to cut it. For a first date, you want to wow them by taking them somewhere spectacular, like talking a stroll along the Nile or going on a week-long safari. Unfortunately, whisking your new potential lover off to see one of the wonders of the world is probably going to have to wait until you are a big-shot entrepreneur, so here are some other ideas.
Go to an amusement park. Eat burritos in the botanical gardens. Hire a canoe. Go out stencilling at night. Attend an art show opening. Go thrift-shopping. Get photobooth pictures. Take circus lessons together. Cook for each other. Browse a used bookstore. Go to the beach. Do a collaborative painting. Dress up. Stage a treasure hunt. Go to the markets. Find the biggest waterslide you can. Bake cupcakes. Explore abandoned places. Go to an audience participation version of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Sneak into a hotel pool. Play tennis. Pick out plants for each other. Take a yoga class. Ride your bikes somewhere. Have a picnic. Build a fort. Talk. Kiss. Snuggle.
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala 
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Aw, cute, and perfect for the upcoming holiday.
While I’ve never had an all consuming crush like this (I know, sad isn’t it?) I’m glad I’ll know what to do when it does finally happen! :)
Neither have i!
I love this article. You address real issues and problems, and provide realistic answers/solutions. Where do you get such knowledge and insight, Gala?
Love,
Wow, they’re some great date ideas, I just want to do them by myself! :D
I like the date ideas too, thanks Gala! Just as helpful for someone who wants to do something special with their significant other as they are for a first date. :) x
This article brought such a smile to my dial! So cute and clever! Although I am really and truly All Grown Up and fully partnered and that, lord knows if I was ever introduced to my celebrity crush, all the oxygen would be instantly sucked out of the room.
Being in love with your best friend does pose an incredibly nerve-wracking obstacle (ie telling them), but totally worth it in the end, if you ask me.
And there you go AGAIN with the hotel-pool-sneaking! When do we get the ‘how-to’ article on that? Hmm? ;-)
Great post! I can never hear “I just know they’d be happy with me if I could get rid of their wife/boyfriend/mother/chiropractitioner” without thinking “this is going to be big big trouble”. On a cheerier note, taking a best friendship to the next level worked just fine for me! As did the stenciling, but keep safe and smart, kids – and don’t inhale the propellants; they’re really bad for you.
Excellent post! Two definite thumbs up! I had a lot of problems in the third scenario, and despite all advice, just decided to ask the dude what the heck was up! Turns out it was not at all to do with the fact that I have freckles, don’t like wrestling, am not super cool and don’t look like Scarlett Johansson, but a completely legit reason related to ex-boyfriends and friends that I could not possibly take personally. Had I not asked, I would still be sulking and feeling inadequate. Ok maybe not. But it was worth the risk!
Heehee, this post is so true in so many ways… and would have made my teenage years a heck of a lot easier if I’d read it when I was 13! Ah well, mistakes and mortifying embarrassments and heartbreak in this sort of area really do make you stronger and wiser – and they can make for some funny stories five years later!
hey gala,i loove your date ideas!once i went for coffee with this older guy who i really liked but i was so nervous my hands kept shaking so i couldn’t hold my cup right!
i am so past the stage of having crushed, being married and all (actually that’s not quite true – i still have crushes, but that’s a whole other story) but i love the date ideas, i think they’re great! i want to go canoe-ing!
i think ideas for dates could be a whole article in itself. hint hint
gala, how did you get so wise? unfortunatley, i am a complete social retard. there is no hope for me. sigh.
I was pondering this very subject today! How serendipitous . Maybe it’s a sign ;)
thank you gala so much for this article, it is something that i have needed to read because there is a guy i like that i only see a few times a week, because i go into his store to buy things for work, and we have been doing that “flirty” thing but was finding it a bit hard to see if he would go out for drinks.
wish me luck
xxx
Ange
lcmo — Hmm, good idea… !
Angelique — Fingers crossed for you muffin!
Thanks, I really needed this! Any tips on how to tell a guy that you like him when he’s leaving the country for two years in exactly three days? Sigh. :(
celia — Yup. Sit him down & say, “I like you!!!” :D
haha, this is deliciously cute! i love the part “did i breathe tuna sandwiches on them?!” hahaha… relationships are STRANGE.
I love this, how useful!
The Rocky Horror Picture Shows means getting to see your date in womens lengerie! Yay! My #1 choice for any date!
But, as much as this article helps me, I have the feeling I’ll have to take a look at your ‘unrequited love’ article again. But maybe I’ll take the plunge and find out for sure that its unrequited first. (They’re single, I’m single, they’re cute, I’m cute, theres got to be SOME chance for me!)
good date ideas and you totally made me laugh with that “do you really want to cut your own hair?” comment.
honestly, my first date with my currant boyfriend was lunch at subway after a night of summer partying…i don’t really like subway, but the lunch was sweet and full of good intentions (he’d been trying to ask me out all summer while i was just hung over and wanted some lunch)!
our second date was much sweeter…we went for a movie, coffee, and for a walk along the portage :)
This is so fitting, I just got done consoling a friend over a crush rejection. Maybe an article on that might be good =)
I want pictures of you sneaking into a hotel pool, you have mentioned this before and it intrigues me!
Oo, infiltration. Like urbex, but less likely to result in falling through a floor and more likely to result in free towels and irritated desk managers!
Gala, whenever I ask a guy out for coffee, even after we know each other fairly well, they tend to freak out and not say anything and terminate any friendship as well. I tried to talk to my last crush about it, but that just made it worse. Why are so many guys still uncomfortable with a girl making the first step? How can I get this to go better in my future?
Ha! Ohhh, you are all about sneaking into pools lately, it’s delightful. I can really tell it’s summer there. Thanks for this Gala, this will be one to bookmark + come back to…
Thrift shopping is an AWESOME first date, eh Gala? :)
x
THE REAL LIVE AUDREY — Yes indeed ;D
hee. im back in 8th grade … blushes and giggles
i absolutely adore last paragraph!
there’s nothing more annoiying, than a silly silence between you and your ‘crush’ in a fancy restaurant on a first date:)big yay for building forts as well
Thank you for starting my Monday off with a fit of giggles, Gala!
Now, I’m all for telling the crush, but i know how difficult it can be.
I had a crush on a guy I had a bit of a fling with – a point at which you’d think would be easy to tell them. However this guy was a lot older than me and I resigned myself to the fact it was a casual thing and there’s no way he’d be interested in anything more. He then went away overseas for work for 5 months and that was that.
Then, a friend of mine that I’d known for a year and a half and had gone to uni with admitted he had a crush on me and we hooked up and have now been going out for 2 months and its great.
BUT THEN! ominous music Guy 1 came back from overseas a few weeks ago and we caught up for a beer. He admitted he wanted a relationship with me now that he was back and I had to turn him down because I’m far too happy with my boyfriend to give that up, even if I did still have a bit of a thing for Guy 1.
If I’d told him in the first place, who knows where I’d be. All I know now is I’m too happy right now to find out what might have been.
As a perpetually boyfriendless and crushtastic angsty teen, I really like this article.
Love the whole blog, by the way. I’ve been reading it for months but haven’t commented. So yes, it’s positively fantastic!
You’re right about people being weird. I haven’t dated a lot, much less had a boyfriend. But whenever I date I see little things about people and somehow all my wannabe relationships fail because I hate the guy’s beard.
n_n’
Kisses.
Ahh I agree, I’ve never had anything like as consuming as this.
I was wondering… could we have the other side?! guys seem to fall completely in love with me, and they are totally not my type and I feel so mean when I say no… it’s not like I do anything to lead them on either!
helpies :)
Thank you, Gala! I swear you are establishing some kind of psychic connection with us nonpareils, because just yesterday I was thinking “I’d love it if Gala could write an article on how to negotiate crushes…”! Anyway, I really appreciated this article more than I can say.
How about this question- My best friend of 4 years told me the other that she’s liked me since we became friends in 8th grade. Not just like, a crush, but like, she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. But I haven’t told her I’m gay. The obvious soultion is to tell her, but she’ll be pissed I haven’t told her before. And She doesn’t believe being gay is natural. What to do??
(Obviously, you have all answers to questions about life. you know, haha)
Alex — Hmmm. Well, it’s understandable that you haven’t told her before; if you think she’s going to persecute you or get all crazy because you’re telling the truth, why would you? But maybe it’s time to come clean. If you’re best friends, you’re not going to be able to hide it forever… & it’s better to be disliked for what you really are than loved for what you’re not.
thank you, thank you!! gala for this article
i asked that boy out for drinks and stuff and we are going out next week, YAY im quite shy and would of never thought of doing anything about it :-)
xxx
Ange
Gala, I’ve been lurking this site for awhile and just love it! It’s definitely helped me accept my slightly weird self! :) I’m 24 and just went on my first real date yesterday (I told you I was weird!)and even though things didn’t really work out, I feel more confident for future crushes and how to deal with them and this article will definitely be coming in handy!! Thank you! I always appreciate your matter of fact advice administered with a dash of lighthearted humor to make the medicine go down! The perfect combo!
‘Grats, Angelique! I read your comment and squealed with joy for you! XD
thank you sora im so excited now i have to find a new outfit to wear :-)
CONGRATULATIONS Angelique! YAY!
Aww Angelique that’s awesome!!
I wish i had a dude to build a fort with and then talk, kiss & snuggle with him in it…
As soon as i find said dude, we’re totally doing that!!
I have a MASSIVE crush (i think it’s actually love) on a friend but my best friend fancies him 2 n i think he fancies her! I get realy jelous n sometimes it causes arguments between my friend n me. I wanna stay friends with her but i REALLY wanna go out with him 2. Wa shud i do?
I had a dream that I mixed two color spices together for better flavor on the meat. Then I placed the spices on the meat and hammered the meat so the spices can give the meat flavor. What is my dream suppose to mean?