Things My Parents Taught Me
[ 14 May 2008 ]
“My question is about your parents, because they obviously did something really right when it came to teaching you how to be you. I am raising two girls and my goal is to give them the tools to manage themselves on a daily practical level and to know themselves, I hope to show them how to be truly in touch with who they are, to always follow their instinct and to learn how to really “listen” to themselves. So Gala, what valuable tools did your parents give you? What values, insights or lessons did your parents pass on to you? What part did they play in shaping you into the individual who thinks outside of the box, follows her intuition and has the practical know how to make her dreams happen?”
I’m not perfect, & neither are my parents. I read this email aloud to my father & he was flattered, but he said that he thinks very little of how I am today has anything to do with him or my mother — he knows how much change I’ve been through & the amount of effort I’ve put into turning myself into the sort of person I am today. I used to be very different! (Read: goth, cynical, nasty, insecure, negative, miserable.)
...But I think he’s just being modest. My parents did, of course, teach me many lessons that have been immensely valuable to me. Here are a few of them.
Communicate
Being able to talk to other people is so important! If you can’t tell them when there’s a problem or if you’d like to change something, you’re really heading for disaster. Other people can’t read your mind & it’s not their job to, either — it is absolutely your responsibility to communicate your needs. You can’t blame other people for not delivering what you want if you haven’t told them! My relationship with my parents was always pretty open, & while I shut down a bit as a teenager, there still wasn’t a lot that I didn’t tell them. They were always very cool & accepting, which helped keep the doors of communication open. If there’s no fear of persecution, there’s no reason to clam up.
Your integrity is the most important thing
It really, really is. As they say, once it’s gone, it’s gone, & you may never rebuild your reputation. Be careful with it, think about what you’re doing & pay attention.
My parents weren’t perfect
My father has always been really keen on telling me that he isn’t perfect — that he has made mistakes, & that he doesn’t know everything. I think one of his beliefs is that a lot of children rebel because their parents paint themselves as saints, & when their offspring discover that that isn’t the case (or even close), they get pissed off & rebel. Hard. My father didn’t want that to happen in our family, so he was always keen on emphasising the fact that his opinion was no more important than anyone else’s. This attitude coupled with the fact that my parents always treated me like an adult meant that I never felt deceived by them, & so I never really “rebelled”.
Working for yourself is the only way to truly be in charge of your destiny
From the time of my birth onwards, my parents always had their own businesses. My mother owned a clothing boutique & my father owned a hi-fi business, & so to me, that was normal. It made sense to have your own business — while the risk lay solely with you, all the benefits did too. I think I was always subconsciously filtered a message that working for other people means that you rely on them, that you have far less freedom & that it was really a sub-optimal position to be in. I always knew that one day I would have my own business, I just didn’t know what it would be. I feel like having that as a valid option helped shape my view of the world, & of course, founding iCiNG has been one of the greatest learning experiences of my life thus far.
Reading is fun
I am so, so fortunate that my parents instilled a love of reading in me early in life. My father used to take me to the library every Saturday morning & we would come away with shopping bags full to the brim! When we went home I would basically go to my bed, sit there & work my way through the stack. Then we would repeat the process the following week. Reading has always been hugely enjoyable & comforting to me, & I am at my happiest when I am leaving the library with a whole lot of books to devour. I know a lot of people who didn’t read much when they were young, & it seems like if that’s the case, you never really get as much joy from books as someone who has been reading them since the dawn of time. I think that’s a shame, since reading can be so enriching.
You have absolute responsibility for your life
In our household, there was always a strong action culture. What I mean by this is that complaining wasn’t really tolerated. That might sound a bit harsh, but it just wasn’t something that any of us had any time for. If you had a problem, you were expected to deal with it &/or fix it, the sooner the better. While I haven’t been perfect about it, this is an attitude I have maintained as much as possible, & it has served me well. It helps prevent me from stagnating or getting locked into negative patterns. I think it’s really important to feel that we each have the means to solve our own problems — it’s empowering & allows us to move through life with more acceptance of change.
It’s important to be different
My parents both own their own businesses, & were very aware of the fact that in order to thrive, you need to have a point of difference. Both their businesses were successful for this very reason. My parents are pretty eccentric, too, & as long as I’ve known them, they have been pretty unapologetic about that. When I got to the age where I started experimenting with clothing & style, at about 13, they were really cool & supportive. The only thing they wouldn’t let me do is leave the house wearing black lipstick (in retrospect, it was a good call!). I would go into the city in my goth garb (all black, stripey stockings, eye of horus make-up, you know the drill) with a pair of silver angel wings strapped to my back & they encouraged me — they were proud of the fact that I was different & brave. Usually when I did things that were weird or a bit strange, they would just laugh with me. That was awesome: it taught me that it was okay to experiment & try new things. I have a very strong sense of myself, & I’ve never been worried about following trends or doing what other people did, because being my own person was never been presented as a “risky” or scary thing.
Be generous
You just should be. A world full of selfish people doesn’t bode well. If karma is the only thing that motivates you, then sure, be generous because you know it will come back to you. But we should all be generous, regardless of our circumstances. If you can’t be generous when you perceive yourself to be “poor”, you never will be. The typical reason people aren’t generous is because they have this huge feeling of lack — like there isn’t enough, & there never will be. That feeling remains, regardless of how much money you have. Besides, generosity isn’t always about money. Often being generous with your time or knowledge or relationships is worth much more.
You can never be too encouraging
This goes hand-in-hand with being generous. People need encouragement & love & support — without it, it can be hard to get anything done. My parents always encouraged me, almost without exception, & it gave me great faith in my abilities & huge ambition. It makes sense, really: if the people around you act as if life is unfair & a trial & like there’s no point in bothering, then why would you?! Conversely, if your family or friends tell you that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, then you’ll feel much more naturally capable. I remember regurgitating this fact (“you can do anything you want!”) on the playground at approximately age 7. My best friend at the time scoffed & said, “What, like flying to the moon?!” It was hard for me to explain it at the time but I knew what I meant — it just goes to show that what we’re told at a young age really does stick with us & influence us hugely.
I think those are the major life lessons my parents have taught me — at least to date. I’m sure in a few years I’ll be able to come up with an entirely different set! What positive things do you think your parents taught you, & how have those lessons helped you so far?
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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Love this post. It makes so much sense.
A creed to live by.
good article :) your parents sound so cool!
I have to agree with you with the reading part, my mom and dad always encourage me to read (I live with them yet and all the rooms in the house have huge libraries! we have about 1000 books..), and that has been a huge influence in me. another thing I would say is to not pressure the kids..I see nowadays how parents put their kids in every extracurricular activity, how they pressure them to have excellent grades and man, that’s aweful; kids with parents like that often grow up to be insecure. my parents, though I did fairly good at school and college, didn’t pressure me a lot, and encourage me to do what I liked and nothing else.
Hmm… it sounds like we had similar upbringings :-) My mom is a puppeteer and my dad is a jazz musician (who designs professional audio equipment as well) so I grew up in a very creative, “different” home. My parents pulled me out of school to tour with them and then began homeschooling my brother & myself. Being creative and resourceful such a big part of my upbringing – I’m not surprised that I ended up being a puppeteer, artist & freelance writer myself! They also really supported me with my personal expression – want to dye your hair pink? They’ll help! My brother wanted a tattoo as child, and my mom spent months drawing one on his arm every day or so. I think that’s one of the reasons that I never really seriously rebelled, and am such good friends with my parents now.
I love this article! and I was wondering, do your parents read iCiNG? have either of them ever left a comment in disguise?
This is good, it’s so so hard to put into words the things my parents have done. Now that I’m taking a big step in my life and look around at my brothers I realize what an incredible job my parents really did.
fran — I feel so sorry for parents who try to live through their children by pushing them to do a million different extracurricular activities. Of course, they have their benefits, but going too hardcore on that kind of thing takes its toll sooner or later. My parents always encouraged me to do whatever made me happy, too, & it has stood me in good stead.
Chloe — Your parents sound awesome. I think there’s a fine line, some parents seem to try too hard to be their kid’s friend & then it all goes awry & they end up getting walked all over. But having parents who just allow you to be yourself while still setting a standard of acceptable behaviour is such a good thing.
jamie — Yup, they both read it, though my mother more often than my father I think. & they have both left comments before, usually under their real names :>
amazing once again. i used to be a HUGE reader! in primary school kids wanted to be on my team during read-a-thons because i was the year bookworm. i’ve found though as the years roll by and the internet steals my time, i am reading much less :(
gala i think you should do some book reviews soon, it would be lovely to get some new ideas xx
kitten` — I’m finding it hard to get much reading done, it’s been go go go since I got to the States! Though I’m currently reading Never Eat Alone which is about networking & which my friend Dhrumil of welikeitraw.com recommended to me. It’s reeeeally interesting.
My Dad has taught me about spirituality and my Mum has taught me how to love. They’re very grounding people.
Absolutely beautiful, thought-provoking article, Gala.
This was really sweet. Although I must say, my parents were more traditional and I still agree with a lot of what they taught me, even if it’s not my lifestyle now. Basically if I got good grades and followed basic rules (curfew, not drinking of smoking) then I could do much as I pleased. I broke curfew a lot, but otherwise, things turned out well.
In fact, my mom just went back to school and graduated with her PhD on Friday! I’m so proud of her :)
As I grow up, I keep realizing just how much my parents (and grandparents) taught me.
1) BE NICE.
My mom was big on teaching me that a little bit of kindness goes a long way, and everyday I realize that more. You can still be nice and not be pushed around. I wish more people had learned that early.
2) Music is amazing.
My dad is a recording engineer, and he actually met my mom when teaching her guitar. They are both very active in the local music scene, and I can’t remember a time when my mom wasn’t singing around the house or my dad wasn’t absentmindedly playing the guitar while watching baseball. I was always encouraged but not forced to play an instrument, which helped me develop a piano hobby. Also, people have been surprised at just how wide-ranging my fave music is (Broadway to country to rap to gypsy…and everything in between). I give my parents credit for that.
3) Be independent.
I learned this one from both my parents and my grandparents. My parents always made it clear that they do not own me…I have to be my own person. My grandparents own a small farm near where I grew up, and they always raised all their own fruits and vegetables. My grandma even makes her own bread! They taught me that it’s really great to be self-reliant. Also, when I played there as a child (which was very often) I was allowed to roam wherever I wanted without really any supervision. Believe it or not, my cousins, sis and I never got really hurt or in trouble. Having that much independence really matures you I think. From a young age you have to make decisions about what is safe and what isn’t…and with the proper prior guidance, you can. Now that I’ve moved internationally twice completely on my own and am now living without any (well, hardly any) parental financial support, I’m glad they instilled this independence in me as a child.
4) Love the outdoors. Don’t be afraid.
This one is from my grandparents and goes with “Be independent”. My cousins, sis and I were encouraged to run around the farm, climb trees, hide in the forest, look for bugs under rocks, etc. My grandparents would teach us about the different animals and how to plant all sorts of things. Although my grandparents were running a farm for their livelihood, they never ever hunted the deer or tried to kill the birds that ate their cherries. They love all the animals, and realize that they have to share their space. Growing up there was great fun, and I think it helped me appreciate the world around me. Being a country kid is great! Also, when I’d run to my grandpa with a silly fear, he’d point at a farm cat nearby and say, “See, Maid Marian isn’t afraid. You shouldn’t be either.” Then he would help me discover exactly what had made the sound (usually a bird in dry brush. They’re loud!) I think this is now why I’m always the roommate who isn’t afraid of bugs/spiders/mice/whatever. I know they’re not going to hurt you. As my grandma would say, “It’s more afraid of you, than you are of it.”
5) READ
My parents and grandparents get all the credit for my dorky English major college career. I can’t remember when I wasn’t being read to or reading on my own. My grandma even read Romeo and Juliet out loud with me when I was about 7 or 8. I didn’t really get it at the time, but I love that she was so excited about literature that she wanted me to be too. I was, and still am, a complete bookworm. Thanks, fam!
Wow…that’s long. Thanks, Gala, for bringing up such a great subject!
Ivy — That sounds fantastic. You’re very fortunate!
AFriendlyMonster — Aww, congratulations to your momma!
Mandy — All of those points are awesome & interesting, especially because some of them are so different from my upbringing (like being out in nature etc., I rarely if ever did that)! Thank you for sharing them, that was a great read!
Gala, I love this article, it’s so enlightening! Your parents sound so open minded and cool. Though, I think you deserve the most credit for being proactive and making so many positive changes in such a short amount of time. THAT takes true willpower!
I learned a lot about what not to do from my parents and family in general. (They’re abusive, selfish, and more than a bit childish.)
There are still some things that I made into positive messages that came from them.
Because of them I know how to work very hard to get what I want. I also read, a lot (though not as much as I did as a kid, when my mom would have to yell at me at 2 in the morning to turn off the light, put the book down and sleep).
My parents would get stressed out a lot, thankfully this led to a lot of traveling and road trips all around California (where I’ve grown up).
My mother stayed home all the time, so on our school vacations she would always have art projects for my brother and I to work on (to keep us out of her hair) and to encourage us to be creative.
Some of the most valuable lessons in life that I have learned I learned from my teachers in school though. They were all amazing people, I have very fond memories of school. It was where I learned to believe in myself, fell in love with writing, drawing, trying new creative outlets, and giving to charity.
School was absolutely a second home to me.
From my dad I think I learnt what NOT to do more than anything else. I have a very firm idea that I don’t want to be like him. However, from my step-dad and Mum I learnt a lot of valuble lessons (including, like everyone else here, that reading is great!)and if it wasn’t for their relationship, which is nice and stable, I’d probably have a significantly more screwed up version on romance. xD
The one thing that was instilled in me from a young age was being independant and sticking up for myself. I remember once when I was little and I punched a girl who had been bullying me and my friend for ages. I don’t think my parents have ever been prouder!
Very lovely article, and appropriately time, seeing Mother’s Day just passed and Father’s Day is in a month.
I think I learned my drive to succeed from my parents. Both are in high positions in their workplace, and have really pushed to get that far. They’re supportive of everything I do, and I think because of that I’m able to talk to them, especially my mom. Her and I have so much in common, it’s scary!
However, I also saw how I didn’t want to live my life. My parents aren’t exactly the healthiest people, and that has really made me want to live a completely healthy lifestyle. Also, my mother is incredibly shy, and in my opinion, life is far to short to be shy, and how will you ever meet new people or develop new relationships if you’re afraid to talk to anyone?
Anyways, I think young people (I say this ironically, I suppose I am one of those young people) don’t give their parents enough credit! I feel that my age group “hates” on parental figures too much, and they really should place themselves in their parents shoes and see that they are interesting people with interesting lives.
You know I’d just love to meet your parents one day! I actually knew of your eccentric-boutique-owning mum before I ever found iCiNG. My own upbringing was a lot more “small-town” than yours, but my parents always allowed me to express myself. My extended family play a huge role in my life, too, and taught me the importance of, well, family. Baby cousins I carted around for years are some of my best buddies now. There is a high value placed on education and on practical skills like sewing and gardening. And hard work and of course, love over money.
PS! Also giving things a go and not worrying too much if they don’t work out – there’ll be a solution. Trying different things, following your passion, making money from what starts out as a hobby, not worrying about perceived ‘status’ of your job. (That’s my dad.)
I think I’ve got a wee little tiny crush on your dad! ;D Lol…
I’m sure there are many more things, but I especially remember my mum always encouraging me to ‘blow your own horn and fight your own corner, cos no-one else will’. Might sound a bit cynical but it was good advice about not being shy when admitting your strengths or standing up for what you want or believe it, things that have really defined who I am today.
Great article :)
This article is really sweet and uplifting, you’ve done a great job with it (as per usual).
One thing my dad said to me when I was younger has really stayed with me – I was about six or seven and being teased at school, and I cried when I got home but I wouldn’t say why and he said “Life’s too short to be unhappy.” I didn’t know at the time but he had suffered from depression for most of his life, and now I’m suffering too I feel like I’m letting him down, but I try to let his words inspire me to make positive changes for myself.
Like some other commenters, I have learnt some things not to do from my parents, but in a way these are positive too as I can clearly see the effects of making certain choices can have. My mum has always been very supportive of both me and my younger sister, and we’ve made quite different choices in our time, which has taught me that it’s important to support those you love even if you don’t necessarily agree with their choices. From my dad I have learned that it is important to pursue what you enjoy, but if it’s taking its toll on your family, it’s time to let it take a backseat for a while. I’ve learnt the importance of generosity too, but that it’s important not to let people take advantage of you.
To be honest, the negative things I’ve learnt from my parents have had more of an effect on my life so far, but I’m doing my best to move on from them and stop viewing myself merely as a person to whom these things happened. I’m not defined by them, and it’s time to start living for me. Maybe as I grow up more I’ll be able to appreciate more of the positive things my parents have brought to my life :)
Great article, Gala!
I’ve had some insight into parenting — I worked as a nanny for a while and being so involved in the kids’ upbringing was definitely an eye-opening experience. I’m definitely a lot less apprehensive about being a parent, now.
But what was really the greatest thing was comparing the parents I worked for to my own. I’m definitely more grateful to my parents these days. They’ve been incredibly encouraging and while they haven’t been perfect, I can honestly say that they’ve done their absolute best.
I believe that communication is one of the best keys to life :)
Hm, I guess I’ve never really thought about what my mom’s taught me! I’m sure I’ve picked up a lot of things from both her and my grandparents (I was raised by my mom’s parents until I was eight), but if I think about it, only one thing comes to mind. I was born really spoiled and was always the center of attention, since I was the only grandkid for a long, long time, and they would always tell me how intelligent I was, how I’d grow up to do great things, etc. Though it didn’t help with the kids at the playground (I could be a real brat at times), it did instill in me a confidence in my abilities and made me stick to my own convictions. Some people get shocked when they hear me speak out about my opinions in class, since I’m usually so quiet! Haha. Also, now I’m at a school where I have to work a lot harder to get the same grades I did when I was younger. I know a lot of kids who got discouraged by the competition at our school and the reality of not being able to survive as “lazy slackers”. Thanks to my grandparents’ encouragement from years and years ago, I didn’t give up when classes got a little hard and just put in more effort.
My mother is my best friend. And my father is my superhero. That’s not to say we don’t have disagreements, tears, and moments in our history we would rather forget. But I very honestly feel that when it comes to parents, I was blessed with a very special set.
The things they’ve taught me and the impact they’ve had on my life is immeasurable. But here are a few things that spring to mind –
1. You catch more flies with honey –
Be nice to people. A smile and manners will see you go far.
2. If you do it. You do it 110% –
My parents never pushed me into anything. They of course suggested and introduced me to things, but the decision to participate or not was always entirely my own. The only rule they had, was that commitment was exactly that – commitment. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth seeing through to the end, and worth doing right.
3. Read, learn, and question everything –
I was raised to really look at the world. To make my own judgments, and discern whether or not things should be taken on face value.
4. The important things in life are immaterial –
My favourite memories are of my family laughing together at BBQs, playing beach cricket and learning to ‘backwards surf’ (very tricky but wonderful fun) and I remember them all clear as day because my mother would always take a moment to stop and say to me ‘this is what counts Hannah, this is what life is all about’
5. Learn to laugh at yourself –
Because if you take things too seriously, you’ll never get out alive!
I enjoyed writing this. Good post Gala :)
this article is awesome, but at the same time makes me sad.
my parents were the opposite, & while they have good intentions they have totally held be back by trying to plan my life out for me & not accepting anything but their dream of what i should be like. they’re always telling me none of my dreams or ideas are practical & try to get me to major in careers with guaranteed salaries & job openings.
i’m halfway through college & considering taking off in my car & adventuring with no plan for a year. i live in my own apartment (which i work my butt off for), but i still fell the need to get away & experience life away from the area i’ve grown up in so i can truly feel independent.
I’m with Rachel- reading this makes me sad too.
Having an older sister with learning disabilities sort of left me alone during my childhood, as she took up most of their attention. I learned to be independent at a really young age. I always tried to be as low-maintenance as possible. I would recycle my clothes so my mom would have to do less laundry and struggle through my homework alone. When I made mistakes, I never got the lectures or the advice or the scoldings. I just moved along accordingly.
I know my parents never mean to neglect me, but it hurts me sometimes.
My parents love me- it’s just how the dice rolled. :)
I was thinking about this topic a few days ago, actually. My parents both passed away in December 2006 in Kenya, right after my 18th birthday which I spent at home in Australia. I was fortunate enough, on that birthday, to receive an e-mail from my dad that he called “Life Advice For The New Adult”, passing his wisdom onto me, and he talked to me about it on the phone while I was reading it, explaining things along the way (this, coincidentally, was the last time I ever spoke to him).
A few things I’ve learnt from my parents:
- Love does conquer all, even if it doesn’t seem like it in the beginning.
- Have fun with your life, because it’s too short to waste.
- Never settle or let yourself be talked into something that is against your principles.
- Spend time with people you care about.
- Be polite.
- You CAN make it on your own (but it’s always nice to have the support of your friends and family).
- You can do anything you put your mind to, it’s just a case of being brave enough to take a risk.
I think you are lucky, Gala. While my parents had taught me similar things, they have a current of stress towards what I do in my future and while I know it’s important, I don’t feel like they realize what I want and what they want is different.
I realized the other day that there are parents who would rather have a dishonest child with amazing grades, even forcing their child to cheat. I feel bad for those kids and I wonder sometimes if they feel bad for themselves.
Thank your parents for us—they may have just passed on their upbringing to several hundred others.
My parents taught me to be honest and openminded. While they are still conservative in many ways, they don’t mind my having a wide variation of friends and have helped me along a path to a good moral code of ethics. I think I learned most from their more “passive” teachings—let me follow what I want.
Oops! Also, I’m glad they taught me not to discriminate!
Five minutes ago, I was sitting here bawling my eyes out; I don’t have enough money for university, a job that pays me $30 a week if I’m lucky and a friend who’s parents are willing to pay her $2000 to not have an eighteenth birthday party. I was scared and angry and just disgusted at my life.
My mother walked in and said “if you sit here and cry and list all the things you can’t do, then sure. You’re not going to get the money. But Kirra, you’re not allowed to do that. You’re going to be proactive and brave and you’re going to do this. You’re not going to let yourself be scared.”
And that’s just it. My mother has never, ever thrown up her hands and said “it’s too hard”. My father died and left us with nothing in 2000. Within the year, she had gotten a scholarship to go to uni (at the age of 34) and become a science teacher, while raising two kids under ten by herself. She is the very embodiment of the importance of bravery, strength and faith. Not in God. In the Universe and in herself.
haha i can vouch for how much you have changed. i bumped (literally) into you years and years ago in wellington. i think i peed myself and ran away.
if i bumped into you today id be so excited to talk to you
The two most important things my parents have taught me are:
Be creative
We didn’t have a television at home, and I was always encouraged to read, write, draw, paint, stage little plays, dress up, make things… It helped me develop my creativity obviously, but it also taught me that doing things is much more fun than simply spending the money.
Have a critical point of view
They taught me to try and really understand things and form my own opinion, rather than swallowing the messages we’re fed. I also learned to turn a critical eye on myself, to understand who I am and what I need to do.
This is the best article so far.
Own business!
Self determination!
Reading!
ah its great stuff.
xxxxx
I think this is my favorite article of yours ever. It sounds as though we had very similar upbringings. As mum to two small girls, I wonder on a daily basis how badly I am screwing them up. I have child raising books up the wazoo, but each of them contradict the other.
As for my philosophy, I say Kindness. Treat your kids with the kindness you would show your best friend. I admit, I don’t always do it, but it is certainly what I strive for.
So if I can show my girls each day what yours, and my, parents showed us, then I should be on track for turning out some wonderful women.
Thanks Gala.
what is your e-mail for trouble solving like this? :$
never mind I found it on the site =þ
Hi Gala
Thanks for the response to my question. It was a wonderfully grounded, insightful article which I will treasure and often refer to.
You have a maturity beyond your years.
cheers
Anna :-)
Jami — I think a lot of people are in that unfortunate position, of knowing exactly what they don’t want to be like. But as long as you can channel that into something positive — like maybe writing up a list of the attributes you want to have, rather than not having — you can really do amazing things & make huge improvements.
Beth — Haha! That’s so funny :>
Kelsey — Yeah, it can take a long time for children/teenagers to get the perspective required to realise what a great job their parents have done. Teenagers can be pretty self-centered, so it takes time. But most of us get there, & hopefully we make up for our behaviour later on!
Nadine — Aw! Maybe one day you’ll meet them! They would probably tell you embarrassing stories ;D I envy you your big family. Mine is pretty small & none of us ever really had much to do with one another. I think that has shaped my world pretty considerably.
Annie — You’re not the only one, my friend thinks he looks like Michael Douglas!
Hannahbelle — It’s a little bit cynical but it’s still a good point. I read on my friend’s Facebook account that her mother taught her “to always speak the truth & if people told her to be quiet, to speak louder”... which I thought was really interesting. I’ve used that principle to guide me a few times recently!
Charlie — Oh, that’s lovely. Your father sounds like a good person. & I love that you say how you’re not defined by what has happened to you — that’s such an important lesson to learn!
telis — It’s great to have that perspective. I think most parents have done their best, & honestly, that’s all anyone can ask.
Hannah — Those are awesome lessons! Go your parents! Woo woo!
Rachel Radness — I’m really sorry to hear that. I think that for the most part, our parents do their best based on what they learned from their own parents, & so on & so on. Each generation is an improvement on the next, a continual refinement. & not everyone is perfect, unfortunately, but it does mean that the planet as a whole is getting better. My wish for you is that you can move past your family’s shortcomings & live your life the way you want to!
lyra — I don’t have a lot of experience with it, but as far as I know, families with a disabled member can really suffer. It can totally fracture families. I guess all we can do is learn to adapt & make things work, though it’s important for you to know that you’re just as fabulous, special & worthy of attention as your sister. Big kisses cutie!
Jessabelle — I’m so sorry to hear about your parents, that’s so upsetting, but wow! To have an email like that… absolutely fantastic. What an incredible asset. It must have been so hard for you to go through that, but I’m sure that having your father’s advice in writing must have helped you & given you a lot of strength.
kirra — Your mother sounds awesome! It’s fabulous that she has so much self-belief & that she just got back on the horse & kept riding. That kind of behaviour will influence you for the rest of your life.
Theremina — Creativity is so important! I really learned to entertain myself, because as an only child, if you don’t, no one else will! I’m almost glad I didn’t have any siblings because it meant my imagination needed to be even stronger :>
super kawaii mama — I think you’re so right, all we can do is be kind & act in the best way we know how. I’m sure your girls will turn out just right!
spanishkiwi — Any time, sugar plum! I really enjoyed writing it, too!
Rachel Radness! Do it!
Your story is similar to mine. My parents rode my ass constantly (I got 98% in my grade twelve math exam, to which my dad said, “What happened to the other two?”) and made big plans for me…
Which I began to follow through by studying education. Two years in I was completely burnt out and announced I was going to Europe for a year. They were terrified but didn’t say a word. In fact they put $1000 in my bank account without telling me.
An awesome 15 years of life later, I’ve had amazing adventures around the world (partly due to that degree) and a relationship with my parents that is better every day.
Your parents are pushing you because they know you can be the best and accomplish anything you want. Show them you’ve learned their lesson. Make a plan for your year off (let them sleep at night), drop postcards in the mail consistently and come back better and stronger than ever! They’ll be so proud of you (even if they can’t say it) and you’ll gain a real appreciation for their high hopes.
Good luck!
Gala, this was a really cool article to write… seems it got everyone thinking about what their ‘rents did for them, which is a good thing!
Here are mine…
- Variety is the spice of life.
I was always a typical first-child, straight-A student in high school, while my sister was very artsy and only ever excelled when creating… she bummed through academic subjects, failing everything, but was incredibly talented at her art. It would have been easy for each of us to be jealous of the other, but my parents taught us from an early age that everyone’s different – and that the more different you are, the better! My sister and I barely ever fought about anything, and I think my parents are responsible for that!
- Do your best.
My parents never, ever had any expectations for us… all they ever told us was ‘do your best.’ We could do whatever we wanted for school subjects or a hobby or future career, as long as we did our best at it. We were never told we had to get As, become lawyers or marry well. We just had to do our best.
- Respect your elders.
My family have a serious old-people-respect culture, and as a result it makes me furious to see people disrespecting the elderly in any way. The state of most UK care homes make me cry with frustration. As children, my sister and cousins and I were always taken to visit our elderly relatives, and we were taught not only to be polite to them but to realise that they could teach us a hell of a lot. I think that culture of respect spread out to include not just my elderly relatives but everyone. Respect was a big deal in our house.
- Work hard, and you can be whatever you want.
My parents instilled this early on, and subsequently both my sister and I have very ambitious goals. My dream life is in poetry, writing and teaching, and hers is in design and advertising. When we began to develop an interest in creative stuff and potentially competitive and tricky career paths, we were never discouraged. The view was that if you work hard, you can do anything – and if I want to make a living out of poetry, I’ll just have to work REALLY hard. But it’s still do-able! & now I’m earning money off my hard work, so it’s true!
- Give back.
Both my parents worked with children for a long time – my mum still does, regulating childcare providers and dealing with institutional child abuse cases. It’s a really, really tough job but she does it because she wants to give back to society as well as earning a wage off it. She taught my sister and I that making money without giving back does not make for a happy life… and subsequently we both did a heap of voluntary work throughout our teenage years, even though all our friends thought we were mad! I now coach less able children in English, and love every second. I think this was perhaps the biggest lesson of ‘em all.
Thanks so miuch Gala for provoking all these thoughts! I’m off to call my mum now to say thanks for this stuff.
The best one on your list is “encouraging.” That is one thing people forget, sometimes you are hardest on the people you love the most and be encouraging is a really good thing to keep in mind, and a great thing to try to instill in your children. You are so lucky :)
What a feel-good list!
This is a wonderful post!. It makes everyone who reads it sit back and reflect on their own experience. I hope that my two kids feel good about the way I raised them. I think they do because they always tell me so.
Since I have raised a son and a daughter who are both in their twenties, I can say although I was somewhat strict with things like curfews, I always told them to do their best and that is acceptable. I never pushed them into extracurriculars if they didn’t want them. If they wanted to pursue something, I encouraged them and assisted them. I taught them that instant gratification is not the answer to happiness. I taught them that as long as they could read well they could learn anything that they wanted just by reading. I taught them to be creative, different and to be kind to others. No discrimination or making rude jokes about people in my house. I have to say that they are two wonderful adults today and I am very proud of them.
My son is 25, had a heart transplant when he was 6 years old, and is doing great today. My daughter is 23 and is getting her Master’s Degree at Columbia University to be a Special Education Teacher.
Just had to share.
Rosemary her