Totalitarian Daddy
[ 4 December 2007 ]
“After reading your article on Negative People, I have realized how many negative people I actually have in my life. So, as part of striving to be my own person and expunge myself from these beings, it’s come to my attention that the main negative people that are in my life are my parents, or more specifically, my father. As I’m still 18 and living at home, are there any suggestions you have as to how to deal with his mind-numbing totalitarian ruling and break out from the impact he is having on my life?”
Before I get into answering your question, let me tell you a few things I’ve learned about parents in my mammoth (ha!) 24 years on earth.
They are people first & parents second.
All parents make mistakes — that’s how they learn.
They are trying to do better than their parents did (& we’ve all heard stories about how awful their parents could be).
Usually, they behave the way they do because they love us & are trying to protect us.
While there are some exceptions — such as in the case of parents who are abusive — most parents are just trying to raise their children as best they can. I really take my hat off to parents all around the world, because raising a child is an enormous, intimidating, challenging & ultimately, pretty thankless job.
Think about it. You have your life, & it’s going fairly well. Then, all of a sudden, this tiny thing appears, & you have to guide it through life. Teach her to read. Teach her table manners. Teach her to respect herself. Make sure she doesn’t get hit by a car. All of these things. It is a terrifying responsibility.
Now, this doesn’t excuse the behaviour of some parents, but for most of us — well, it makes the situation a little more clear.
Okay, back to your question. Of course, the most obvious solution is to leave home, which is definitely the best option. When you leave home & start to live alone, that distance from your parents, over time, allows you to realise what good people they actually are. Having that space is really important, & it will completely change the relationship you have with your parents, I promise you that much. Not to mention, your independence from them will (hopefully) prove to them that you’re not a child anymore.
You will have your own place. It may not be as nice as the home you share with your parents, but it will be yours alone, & for that reason, you will love it. You can play music loudly until 4 in the morning, eat ice-cream for dinner, leave your dirty clothes all over the place & never hang up another towel. If your parents want to visit, you can negotiate a time that works for both of you. You’ll get a job & spend your money in a wildly irreponsible manner — probably on a really expensive brooch or pair of shoes. You will learn a lot about yourself, & your adventures as an adult will begin.
The thing with moving away — which is a very simple resolution — is that there is a risk that your father will still try to run your life. If you don’t know how to stop him from controlling you, it will continue forever, regardless of where you live. So many people are still beholden to their parents, & not even necessarily in the way you would think. Some people are still desperate for their parents approval, & will pursue careers that they think will make their parents happy. Other people will do everything in their power to be the absolute opposite of their mother — which of course means that Mummy is still in charge, & you are still living your life around her example.
I remember reading something once which said you can call yourself an adult when you sincerely do not care what your parents think. Not in a teenage rebellion kind of way, but in a way where their opinions do not affect you in any way. You don’t feel the need to impress or them or rebel against them — you are happy with yourself & do what pleases you.
It’s a complicated issue. I really think the best way to deal with your totalitarian father is to work on yourself, & you can do this whether you live under his roof or not. I guess the crux of it is that we can’t change people, but we can change our reactions to people. Your father has been treating you this way for 18 years. Why would he stop now? This is the way he has learned to relate to you, & that will continue until you do something about it.
Use EFT to get rid of the anger
Hating your father doesn’t help anyone. It will make you miserable & bitter — it doesn’t improve your life in any way. Use EFT to remove any negative emotions you have towards him. You might find that this completely changes the way he relates to you (stranger things have happened), but if not, at least you will be happy & not harbouring a grudge. Being angry at anyone is really just allowing them control of your life. Don’t buy into it!
Work on your self-esteem
Read my article How To Be Confident for ideas on how to do this. Above all, remember that you’re a good person. One thing I’ve learned recently is that the happier & more content you are with yourself, the less anyone else can affect you. Do you think the Dalai Lama has a cry anyone says he’s an insert-insult-here? I don’t. People who love themselves are totally bulletproof when it comes to verbal sparring.
Take control of your own life
You need to prove that you are in charge of your own life. If you’re on the phone to your father & he is rude to you or says something which upsets you, tell him as much. If he apologises, fine. If he doesn’t, hang up the phone. Similarly, in person, if he is trying to tell you what to do, don’t take it. Walk away or tell him to look after his own life. Some people allow their parents to get away with murder, just because they’re related to one another. Don’t be one of those people — don’t allow yourself to be a doormat. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, stop associating with them. The same rule applies from lovers to grandparents.
Learn new ways to react
If your father is yelling at you, don’t yell back. It will only get worse from there. Stand there & speak reasonably to him. He will probably stop yelling. Standing up to people is a learning process. There is a fine line between being passive & being calm, just like there is a fine line between being assertive & being aggressive. Practice makes perfect. The most important thing to remember about this is that you set the tone. If someone else is having a tantrum, you be the adult, you take control. Make them come up to your level. This will drastically alter the way you relate to one another.
Believe in yourself
Regardless of what your father may say to you, it’s what you believe about yourself that matters. He is allowed to have a different opinion, but stick to your guns. Let’s face it, his life is almost over while yours is just beginning — & you are in charge of yourself. The most important thing is that you make yourself happy & don’t let his limiting beliefs affect your quality of life. Sometimes when parents try to dissuade us from doing things, they’re not trying to be a wet blanket — they’re trying to protect us from failure or hardship or heartbreak. This can be hard to see in the heat of the moment, but it usually comes from a good place. Be your own cheerleader.
Entertain the wild notion that you might be wrong
I know it sounds crazy, but it might be worth considering whether you are, at times, being unreasonable. I know that when I lived at home, I expected money on demand, food on demand, lots of time to myself (mostly to play on the internet, gee, how times have changed) & to be able to sleep for extended periods. I would get angsty over being asked to set the table, or empty the dishwasher, or pull the curtains. Looking back, I know that I was just being a total pain in the ass, & have since apologised to my parents. Anyway, my point is, hormones make you mental & parents do too, so acting like a turd is pretty much par for the course. Try to be as objective about it as you can, & try to be nice to your parents, too.
Remember that your father is human
I think that a lot of us, as children, think that just because our parents are adults, that means they have things all figured out. Newsflash: They don’t. They are growing & learning & changing just like we are. Many of them are still working out who they are at age 45. Parents have their own problems & challenges, things that can be hard for somewhat self-involved teenagers to comprehend. Have a little compassion, if you can!
Honestly, though, if you’re living under his roof, unfortunately, he makes the rules. Don’t be surprised if he says you have to move out after you start to grapple with the remote control of your own life. Think of it as a blessing — in a year’s time, you will probably call him to say thank you.
Extra For Experts:
How can I free myself of my parents’ control? from salon.com. Gosh, Cary Tennis is good.
I’m OK, You’re My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger, & Create a Relationship That Works by Dale Atkins.
My parents control me! from Tiscali.
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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Move out, Move out fast!
I moved out of my parents house at 17 and then got along with them fabulously for the next few years. I’ve recently moved back in as I’m pregnant and need to save up for baby stuff and have turned back into a moody teenager and have spent the whole time hiding in my room from them (i’m sure the pregnancy hormones aren’t helping either)
So basically move out and don’t move back in ever unless your absolutly desperate.
Then you will love and appreciate you dad for everything he did.
What a great response, Gala! I don’t really have much to add (shock! Can this be?!). Except that parenting isn’t always all that bad – definitely not intimidating or thankless, in my experience.
Oh. My. B’god. Miss Gala, it is as though you have read my mind. Only moments ago I emerged from the showering thinking about writing a piece for my corner of the Internets, tenatively entitled “Parents Are People.” This issue sprung into my mind unannouced, & yet, here, it is, addressed before I had even constructed an intro paragraph. Fearlessly & compentently you did so, making my words, once again, obsolete. I can only tip my hat to you, you quick-typing raven of Web (I’m Lenore’s melancholy lover, you’re the Raven: i.e. ‘nevermore’ will I blog about an issue you have yet to tackle)!
Stay cool (& crafty),
I loved how you mentioned that parents are normal people too. I think you can resolve alot of internal issues that you have with your parents by realising that they are real people, just trying to do the best they can.
i left home when i was 17 as well. if i hadn’t, i think my relationship with my father (and sometimes my mother too) would be much worse than it is today. excellent advice, gala!
Parents are people, but there is also the fact that relatives aren’t always good things in our life.
I have had to cut out certain toxic people in my life because the perpetual negativity was making me feel bad about myself. And I decided I don’t want to be exposed to that.
Knowing when you need to do that is important as well.
Luv
Poochie
My dad is not really abusive or says bad things about me (or my siblings), but he is…weird. He hardly ever speaks, he hasn’t hug me since I was like 8, or tell me he loves me or whatever. He is really serious, workaholic, sportsfan…the thing is that he can’t control his feelings. When he’s stressed or nerveous he yells and is all cracky and it sucks; when he’s like that he is horrible with us and with my mom. The worst thing about all this is that sometimes I catch myself doing those things too! I just HATE it. I hate the fact that he can’t comunicate with anyone, that he acts like a spoiled kid, that ignores my mom, that he yells at me even when I’m the oldest and intellectual as he is…
I don’t know. Thanks for this article Gala as always…I guess is obvious too you that this subject touches me…
hey fran your dad sounds a lot like mine. i think a lack of communication is the reason for a lot of issues in my family…
anyway. Gala i think you’re spot on with the advice that parents are people first. this is something i’m still learning, along with forgiveness. childhood hurts are so deeply ingrained that they can take a lifetime to resolve (and sometimes, not even then). i think remembering that your parents are on a journey too is KEY.
thanks for another great article!
I have a great relationship with my dad. He’s really cool, full of love and very understanding.
I think that he is that way because my grandfather was a very negligent dad and my dad pretty much supported his family since age 16.
He always has something to say about our choices but in the end he says that it is our call and whatever we decide he’ll be there to support us.
He’s always been there for my half-brother (who I don’t know), for my sister and for me. I think that he is the coolest dad ever.
We have our fights and our ups and downs but in the end the great relationship we have pulss through and all those things just make us closer.
I think that the key to have an understanding with your folks is communication. I learned from a very young age to voice my opnions, worries and fears.
This was a very good article Gala.
Kisses.
Oh goodness yes, the things we put our parents through. I read a book a while back called Surviving Ophelia by Cheryl Dellasega, I don’t have children of my own but it gave me an insight into how heartwrenching bringing them up could be.
Linking back to your chat about Myers-Briggs type, finding out your parents (particularly your dad’s) type can be helpful in understanding them. Understanding my own father a bit more helped in building a better father/daughter relationship with him. I know just talking and spending time with someone is the best way to understand someone, but at the time this was tooooo difficult.
I agree about moving out. It really helped my relationship with my parents. Best thing is to visit them sparingly as well, or old feelings will resurface after a week or so. Now I can think of them as friends – whom I love dearly, and who have had faaarrr more life experience than me (therefore they are very worthy to talk to!).
great article gala, and i 100% agree with you i have always had issues with my father, and ETF has definitely helped me with our relationship issues, just by making me a more positive person and if hes not then he has no reason to bring me down.
xx katrina
Good post – I spent the first couple of years after i moved out determined to be exactly the opposite of my mother, then realised that some things about her were ok and I should want to copy them. You have to take the good and the bad with everyone, especially those you’re related to!
I remember also when I decided not to yell back. Everyone in my family screams at each other and someone ends up in tears – one day I stopped yelling and just spoke normally. Mum ended up throwing a fit, screaming, bursting into tears and then running away – I guess it’s hard to win an argument with your 17 yo daughter when you realise she is being ‘adult’ and you are being completely irrational. It’s also a respect thing – if a customer at work or a friend yelled their demands at you, what would your reaction be?
Moving out of home is a big step though, so if you’re going to do it, please make sure you have a job and/or austudy and some form of plan – don’t just go on the dole and live in an abominable share house, because you will probably end up going home and then your dad will be all “I TOLD YOU SO”. It’s better to keep your head down until you have the means to get out properly.
Also, think of why your father is negative, and what you could possibly do to help change that. After all, he is family. Maybe all he needs to know is that deep down, you DO love and appreciate him and then he might loosen up a little.
I’m in the exact same basic position as this girl. I’m 18 still at home living with a controlling negative father. I have been mulling over the issue of how to treat and still respect my father (ie not be an immature rebellious teenager) while still being happy, making my own decisions and living my OWN life. I still haven’t sorted everything out and am not in a financially stable position to move out but I can give you some ideas of what you can do before you too can move out.
#1 Realize why he acts the way he does. In my dad case he basically learned it from his parents and his own struggles. His own parents, which I have to say he is not as bad as, are 2 very independant people who really probably should have gotten a divorce but never did because it was not “socially acceptable” at the time. Anyway basically realize your dad’s got a crap load of feelings from his past that he probably isn’t going to get over any time soon.
#2 Do not react the way he reacts. ie if he yells please try to react in a calm voice. On the same note don’t swear when speaking with him.
#3 If he comes out with some sort of ridiculous guilt trip like, “You all just wish I would die!” or something equally ridiculous ignore the comment or call him on it like “dad that’s simply a guilt trip”. ie be perfectly honest with him.
#4 As was already mentioned DO NOT try and CHANGE him.
#5 Spend as much time away from home. Get a full time job or get into a university course or just get out of the house period.
#6 Find someone who enjoys havig royal bitchfests. My friend Emma do this probably monthly. Just find someone to talk about things and whine about crap.
#7 Find a way to get rid of the anger, bitterness and hard feelings you’ve accumulated from your relationship with your dad. EFT, journaling, prayer or some other spiritual thing, skydiving, running or an extreme sport, whatever works for you.
kk I hope this helps
staar
Gala, so very well said (written). It took a lot of perspective-building for me to come to those realizations on my own. (Perspective-building = having a daughter.) I am really in awe of your understanding and empathy, Gala – I shouldn’t be surprised, tho, b/c we’ve seen it before, and naturally, you’d extend it too parents too. :)
Thanks for writing this, Gala! I’m 18 as well, and just about to move out of the house. My father isn’t totalitarian, but our relationship has definitely deteriorated to the point where we just don’t talk at all anymore, even though we live in the same house. I think I understood all this stuff about treating parents just like any other person, but this article will definitely help me with the impending first real conversation with my dad in months that is going to happen soon.
Thanks!
Thanks for this article, Gala! I gotta keep this is mind:
“Sometimes when parents try to dissuade us from doing things, they’re not trying to be a wet blanket — they’re trying to protect us from failure or hardship or heartbreak. “
I used to always think that I was one of the few without a perfect, doting daddy.
Sometimes I just see an article and think it was written for me!
I am both looking forward and fearing moving out, though. I live in California and the cost of living here is very high, it would be impossible for me to get even the shoddiest apartment for less then 850 a month. There arent really many options for kids around here, other than working nonstop, moving in with a ton of other kids or living in your car. (I hate overworking, I really would like to live alone if possible, and… I like my car… but I like bathing, too.) I’d really like to move far away, where the cost of living isn’t so high, but I dont want to seriously disapoint my parents like that. I’d feel like I was abandoning them.
Great suggestions on dealing with the totalitarian dad, though!
What awesome advice.
I really liked this paragraph :
“I remember reading something once which said you can call yourself an adult when you sincerely do not care what your parents think. Not in a teenage rebellion kind of way, but in a way where their opinions do not affect you in any way. You don’t feel the need to impress or them or rebel against them — you are happy with yourself & do what pleases you.”
So true.
I enjoyed reading this article and I’m going to share it with members of my whanau.
Cheers!
Mel.
I think the thing with parenting (and I’m only a step-parent and only 33!) is the unbelievably enormous amount of responsibility you feel. And love. And not knowing what to do. All at once.
It makes some people act a little crazy.
I think these days most parents want to be parents. They wanted to have their children, but that doesn’t mean they know what to do all the time.
this has so many great ideas i don’t even know how to begin to thank you.
favouriting so i can re-read this again and again. thankyou so much gala.
sarah decay – i’m missing you so much darling!
Thank you for this article, Gala.
I’m nineteen, and I really want to go back to college to study Art and Design.
My dad is giving me no encouragement, and thinks I’m better off studying something much more “productive” like Retail, or Computing.
He said I won’t be able to get a job in Art and design
But I love Art!! It’s the only thing I really love!
I haven’t heard back from the college I’ve applied for as of yet, but I’m still hopeful.
And hopeful that my parents will believe in me, whatever I do in life.
Thanks again,
x Lucy x