Virginity
[ 5 September 2007 ]
“I have a situation, and I was wondering if you could give me some advice? So my best friend, she has her first boyfriend and they’re adorable together, no question. They’ve been going out for 3 months now, and his birthday is coming up. My friend is considering giving him her “v-card” as one of my other friends calls it. In other words, she wants to give up her virginity to him for his birthday. I mean, she really does like him, but i don’t trust him. I have my reasons… Well first off, he’s her first but she’s definitely not his. He’s already had sex before, and gets horny a lot (yes, we’re girls we tell each other everything.) Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but i feel my friend doesn’t have much experience with all that, and she’s moving much too fast. They’re not at the same level of experience. Also, recently he’s been caught having phone sex with another girl. And when she asked him why he had done it or even why he hadn’t talked to her, he responded with “well I knew you weren’t into cybering and all that, so i knew you wouldn’t do it.” I mean no offence, but what the hell kind of answer is that? When my friend told all of us about her possible intentions, we went through the routine. My other two best friends said no your too young.. blahblahblah. I tried to address the more emotional parts of the situation because we’ve all heard of the other risks, and she said she’d think about it. But I feel he has control of her. This has already happened before in a way. We had a similar discussion about blow jobs (we think they’re a bit degrading unless its mutual) and she said she’d never ever do it. Well, sure enough a week later after a camping trip up-state. She had done it. Another reason she wants to do it is because she’s afraid she won’t get the chance. She said it would be like this. They’d break up eventually (because we all know they will, high school relationships usually don’t last) and then she’d screw some other guy out of desperation. Am I missing something, or is this totally a bad concoction? I mean, she seems a bit too immature (relationship-wise) to handle it don’t you think? She’s like my sister, I’m scared. Help me Gala!”
Aww, sweetie. You’re so lovely — this email is proof of that.
Firstly, she is a girl smitten. It is hard to reason with anyone in love. Even if someone is in an abusive relationship, you will NEVER convince someone to leave their partner. People have to come to their own conclusions. Trying to persuade someone to do anything is almost always a waste of time. (Even sometimes when people ask your opinion. They usually already know what they’re going to do.)
I think giving someone your virginity for their birthday is a pretty strange present. Imagine the conversation around the dinner table! “So, what did you get for your birthday, Johnny?” “Well, Mom… !”
The fact of the matter is this: the first time is pretty bad. I would be thrilled to hear an “I lost my virginity & it was great!” story. There are a lot of people who just want to get it out of the way so they can actually get on with their sex life, & there’s nothing wrong with that.
Her immaturity is an interesting point. How do we ever really know we’re mature enough for anything? Having children, getting married, buying a house? You never really know until you try it out. Then you can gauge whether you’re out of your depth or not. I often look at kids who are 15 or 16 & think there is no WAY they could possibly be ready to have sex. Of course, at that age, you feel like you could conquer the world before breakfast, so it’s probably not a sentiment they share!
I would also venture that there is nothing degrading about any sex act which both people are enjoying. If you look at sex as a routine, like, “First I’ll do this & then you do that & then we’ll do this”, it takes a lot of the spontaneity out of things. The only real problems start when people are doing things out of obligation or just to appease the other person. It’s a recipe for disaster. But you will learn this yourself sometime!
Her boyfriend does sound like a turd. I don’t know that there is necessarily any point in getting in the middle of it. It will only strain your friendship. People need to learn their own lessons, unfortunately. You might want to say that you think he will hurt her, & if she seems receptive to talking about it, then outline your concerns. Otherwise, I’d advise you to stay out of it — & be there for her when he breaks her heart.
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala 
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My first time having sex sucked, and I’m glad I got it over with. I really enjoyed about what you said about sex not being degrading if you are both having a good time, it helps justify some of the things I do.
Looking back I think I regretted more some of my later partners rather than my “first”. But, I just didn’t do it with them again. I don’t like to make the same mistake twice, if I can help it!
But yes, my first boyfriend was someone my parents detested (and still do many many years later) and I was determined to do what ever I wanted with him and did. Little did they know.
Everyone has to make their own mistakes, I guess. Hopefully she is smart enough to not feel pressured into doing anything she doesn’t want to do and uses protection. That is the true test if you are mature enough to have a sexual relationship – are you mature enough to buy/borrow/etc. protection. If you can go in and (comfortable or not) buy a box of condoms, then you are mature enough to have sex.
Luv
Poochie
www.shoedaydreams.com
Hmmm … I don’t think you should necessarily determine your readiness for sex based on whether or not you can buy condoms! Just my two cents..
losing your virginity to someone more experienced seems like a plus to me.
if /she/ feels like she’s ready, then just let her do it. if it’s a mistake, then maybe it’s a lesson worth learning for her. who knows though, it could turn out lovely. :)
Welcome to high school romance, huh?
I lost my virginity in high school to a guy I barely knew, and even though I was too young, I don’t regret it.
No one should have sex just to keep a guy. Any guy who puts a girl in that position is an asshole. He will leave her, or it will be all he wants from her from then on. She will probably do it anyway but hopefully she’ll listen to her friends.
I think she should dump this guy. To me, phone sex is still cheating and the way he reacted when she found out proves that he doesn’t truly care for her.
How’s this- she should do it & then dump HIM! (Joking- kinda.)
As usual, Gala, your advice is spot on. I would just like to add that mistakes are part of life, and we all need to make our own; no-one can necessarily save you from them! If I hadn’t made the mistakes that I have in my life, I would never have learned from them, and I would not have grown into the person I am today. I remember that, as a teenager, nobody could tell me anything. But I did have a few very good friends that supported me all the way, and who helped me pick up the pieces from whatever ‘mistake’ I had made that week! We can only account for our own actions in life, so just be the best friend you can be by offering love, support and a readiness to listen. Thanks for posting this, Gala. You’ve really made me think this morning!
When I lost mine, I was 15, and I don’t regret it one bit. I was ready – I knew about diseases and risks and took responsibility for it. I knew the consequences. I think being prepared and responsible is key to being “mature” enough for sex.
I wouldn’t say my first time was GREAT, but I don’t think anyone’s would be, really. However, it was not bad, either. I was crazy about my boyfriend and I felt it returned.
The funny thing is…I am 29 now and we are still friends :)
I actually have a fairly happy loss-of-virginity story.
Age: 15
Boy: My boyfriend of (then 6 months) who I stayed with for another 4 years.
Location: Hotel Room
It was perfect, actually. Best cliche TV teen movie loss of virginity ever. I was ready, he had been fine to wait, we just relaxed and enjoyed ourselves. And I’m so glad he was the first person that I slept with, because we’re still best friends even after breaking up a year ago and we will be friends for a very long time. :)
I wish my losing-virginity story was glamourous and sweet. I lost mine to a guy who I met on hotornot.com (aren’t I tasteful?!) and he was like a 6 foot giant with celtic tattoos all over his chest & arms and had stone-cold grey eyes & had a mohawke. We did it on a couch in a grotty house and I kind of regret it, but hey, this is life, and I’ve turned out okay (a tad kooky & kinky, but okay..) _ Just remember, that life isn’t perfect. A lot of stuff happens in high school that can possibly screw up the rest of your life, so just be careful, and learn from mistakes.
Good advice, Gala. I think the most important thing is to be there for your friends, even when they are making what seem like bad choices. The hardest thing I have ever tried to learn (and am still struggling with) is to judge without being judgemental. I think this writer is trying really hard to be a sensitive friend – and I think her friend is likely making a mistake staying with this guy. But often, friendship involves keeping quiet about what you see as bad choices and waiting in the wings to pick up the pieces. And hoping that someone does the same for you one day :)
I remember it being quite scary when close friends started losing their virginity, because all of a sudden it felt like a really big difference had appeared between you that wasn’t there before. You would get scared that you couldn’t be as good friends as before because you didn’t understand this big-deal thing your friend had been through. Then there was, not peer pressure, but internal pressure to either do it too — almost to get closer to your friends, rather than because of a boy — or to NOT do it if your friends were of the not-doing-it kind. My friends were the latter kind (all-girl high school of the conservative sort) and I didn’t end up losing my virginity till I was 20! And I actually wish I had lost it sooner, as the prefectly nice boys I EBed in my late teens would have been just as nice as the flatmate I ended up sleeping with when I got sick of waiting to fall in love (which didn’t happen till I was 23). While charming, handsome and a decent enough bloke, my V-man ended up sleeping with another flatmate after we broke up after a few weeks. Which just goes to show that sex & relationships don’t actually get that much easier or more predictable the older you get. He later joined the navy and is now a raging homo. I haven’t seen him in years and years but do, admittedly, think of him fondly. Especially in that white navy suit with the little hat.
damn… high school is the worst place for finding bfs! i was blessed not to ever have high school bf.. in fact my first bf was Canadian guy who got kicked out of one of the private English speaking schools after second recess(i used to live abroad a lot). anyhow i made the poor boy wait for a while untill my sexual frustration reached its peak and i screwed him… only to make him feel cheep by rolling myself a ciggy getting up and saying “well now that this is out of the way i can really partY! and that was it! no dramas! i dont understand why for girls its such a big deal . for guys its deffinetly not! show some balls ladies and get used to reality sex should be fun for both THEREFORE to get GOODSEX one should lose their verginity and gain experience PRONTO (not to say you have to go and have one night stands all over the place! just have loads of sex with your partner or people you want to have sex with). I understand highschool is a tender age and all but honestly, you gotta grow up sometime and overprotective friends can be more vice than a virtue!
Yes, this is the modern times and all that, but i gotta put in my 2 cents and say that there is also NOTHING wrong with waiting to lose your virginity till after you’re married. (I’m not some old betty—I’m in my early 20’s, am I th only one who’s even considered this?)
It really depends on what you’re ready for, where you state of mind is (and your heart) and what your beliefs about the matter are. Everyone is going to have a different experience and a different frame of mind about it.
I have friends who had sex young, and friends that are still virgins. I know one thing—I don’t think “getting it over with” is the right idea for everyone. Or anyone. (i’m a champion of love, what can i say?)
My friend WAS in the same situation.
But she did it anyway.
She does it all the time now.
She used me as an alibi to come to my house, then she’d ditch my other friend and I to go to her boyfriends house. Their still together. And she moved away to philippines for 7 months. While she was gone, we were watching over her boyfriend [still together-long distance] while she was gone, and found out he cheated on her about twice, but I know its more than that. My ‘use to be’ friend now is still with him, and she’s practically doing him every chance she gets. We tried to convince her to break up with him, because well.. He’s a TURD. Don’t get me wrong he’s a cool friend to have, but the worst Boyfriend.
We all think she’s too emotionally attached because she lost her virginity with him. And we all know she’s denying it.
Now I don’t talk to her.
What would you do if your friend comes to your house, like 10 am in a weekend, calls you to tell you she’s coming, she arrives uses your computer, then calls a taxi, and then leaves you to go to her boyfriends house to, for all we know BANG?
And what if her Mum calls you out of the blue while your hanging with your relatives asking for to talk to her daughter, and you tell her, her daughter was never with you, and you put two and two together, and find out, she used you as an excuse to hang with her BF?
Tell me?
I’m sorry the memories still flooding in..
Great advice, Gala!!
It’s so very refreshing to hear from an open-minded, mature, sex-positive, down-to-earth young woman. I really wish more people would realize that people are sexual creatures, and there’s nothing at all wrong with that.
Sex can be a very beautiful thing, and should be treated with respect, but at the same time, it’s also pretty silly, so it would be a shame to take it too seriously! That takes all the fun out of it anyway!
If you want to help your friend. Tell you love her, and that you care for her, and that you will still love her if she does have sex with this guy. But that you just wouldn’t feel safe unless she used condoms with him, and then do her a real favor, and buy her some condoms or go get them with her.
Tell her how important it is, tell her that if the boy wants to have sex bad enough he will use them, he won’t reject her if she insists, he might try and guilt trip her and say it doesn’t feel as good. But if she says I will have sex with you on one condition, we use these condoms. He will very highly probably agree to use them. (But encourage her to watch him put it on!) If she has given him a bj than she can stand to watch.
I had a friend Who went out with a guy for 2 years in high school and they didn’t have sex.. she dumped him when school was over..and she was still a virgin til she was 20, She ended up having Horrbile Drunken Sex with some random guy she never knew.. Shes now back with her high school boyfriend and she regrets not having lost her virginity with him back then! But I had a really fantastic first time..to my suprise.. It was with my High school boyfriend..I waited til i was 17 and It happened in my bed and there was awesome music on and it was just really really nice.. some of my friends tried to talk me out of it too..telling me not to be stupid and not to rush into it..because we were only together 4 months and it wouldn’t last.. Yeah well that was 5 years ago and we’re still together now! so..People are different thus they have different experiences! I know its hard to sit back and watch your friends make what you might see as mistakes.. But thats just what it is..THERE mistakes, Not yours. Unfortunately.
Gala, you’re so right. This girl’s friend has probably made up her mind, and she’s just gonna have to make her own mistake. All you can do when you have a friend like that is be there for her and support her no matter what happens. Hopefully this girl’s friend realizes how much the people around her care about her…I hope I have a friend who cares about who I have sex with! :D
I agree with Lucie so much – yes, everyone is different, but having sex after you’re married is nothing to be ashamed of AT ALL.
And I disagree with MMM – guys care about their first time, too. It seems shocking, but it’s very true.
I lost it this year, I kindda regret it cause maybe it was too soon (3 months since we became a couple), but I’ve known my bf since at least 4 years and we were best friends for over 2 years, so we knew each other perfectly…it didn’t feel weird.the first time we had sex it was amazing (I’m not kidding, it hurted but it was great) He has never forced me to do anything, we respect each other a lot :) I guess I had a very non-traumatic first time xD
But I have a friend that is in a similar situation now, she has been dating for only 2 months and she’s thinking about making it during the spring break (september) “because we’re gonna be in the beach so what do you expect? is imposible not to get all horny there” Stupid girl! She asked me all this questions about sex and I tried to be as sympathetic and comprehensive as I could, but I still think is too soon for her (she met the guy only this year…). At least her boyfriend is not a turd as your example Gala, but either way…I think waiting a little longer makes things better :)
Gala, I think that you’re incredibly right when you say that a girl smitten will listen to no one else. I’ve seen it happen with my friends, and to be honest, I’m sure I must be like that at times too. It comes with being female, and with liking someone that intensely, I suppose.
I used to firmly believe in waiting until marriage to have sex, but over time, I’ve come to accept that I was affected by how strongly my parents advocated that. And while I understand their feelings (I’m an only child, and they are protective), I can’t say I agree so much any longer. It seems that it’s only impressed upon females to wait until marriage, which is highly unfair. If I’m expected to wait, I think that the male should have done so as well. What a double-standard it is otherwise!
All you can really ask for is that you know yourself and the other person well enough so that if and when you do have sex, there are no regrets.
I’ve been terrified of losing my virginity ever since reading the bell jar! no lie! :>
the way in which i lost my virginity was perfect. i know its unrealistic but i wish it could be the same for everyone else, and that teenagers really would use their brains and wait until they are fully ready. i don’t know, i guess it just makes me really sad when i hear stories about people who lost their virginity too soon, or with someone they weren’t in love with, etc. (i know, i know, its completely unrealistic to imagine that this will ever change)
best of wishes to this girl. if only she had the wisdom that so many other teenagers also lack.
hey gala!
you said you wanted a good ‘losing my virginity story’, well here it is.
i’m 21, and i lost my virginity only three weeks ago, to a man i love ferociously and have been with for nearly four years. we had waited so long and when it happened it truly was perfect. i have no regrets about it and i wouldn’t change a thing.
i think it is really important for people to figure out what it right for them, and wait until they feel ready and happy giving themselves to someone. if you are 15 and feel ready, or if you fell ready at 30, i don’t think it matters as long as you find the right time for you.
just think, if i had done it in high school when all my friends were doing it, i wouldn’t have been ready and i probably would have missed out on my lovely experience!
kisses -
I have an epic, double deflowering virginity story.
When I was 17 my boyfriend and I had been dating a year and though we had talked about sex, we both felt we weren’t ready. Later, we tried to have sex but we both thought that the fact we had planned it out felt hilarious and stupid and we couldn’t go through with it. Then one Sunday we ate a delicious brunch and ended up having (safe) sex and we were both each other’s firsts.
Still together today and happily engaged.
Olive