“I have a situation, and I was wondering if you could give me some advice? So my best friend, she has her first boyfriend and they’re adorable together, no question. They’ve been going out for 3 months now, and his birthday is coming up. My friend is considering giving him her “v-card” as one of my other friends calls it. In other words, she wants to give up her virginity to him for his birthday. I mean, she really does like him, but i don’t trust him. I have my reasons…
Well first off, he’s her first but she’s definitely not his. He’s already had sex before, and gets horny a lot (yes, we’re girls we tell each other everything.) Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but i feel my friend doesn’t have much experience with all that, and she’s moving much too fast. They’re not at the same level of experience. Also, recently he’s been caught having phone sex with another girl. And when she asked him why he had done it or even why he hadn’t talked to her, he responded with “well I knew you weren’t into cybering and all that, so i knew you wouldn’t do it.” I mean no offence, but what the hell kind of answer is that?
When my friend told all of us about her possible intentions, we went through the routine. My other two best friends said no your too young.. blahblahblah. I tried to address the more emotional parts of the situation because we’ve all heard of the other risks, and she said she’d think about it. But I feel he has control of her. This has already happened before in a way. We had a similar discussion about blow jobs (we think they’re a bit degrading unless its mutual) and she said she’d never ever do it. Well, sure enough a week later after a camping trip up-state. She had done it.
Another reason she wants to do it is because she’s afraid she won’t get the chance. She said it would be like this. They’d break up eventually (because we all know they will, high school relationships usually don’t last) and then she’d screw some other guy out of desperation.
Am I missing something, or is this totally a bad concoction?
I mean, she seems a bit too immature (relationship-wise) to handle it don’t you think?
She’s like my sister, I’m scared. Help me Gala!”

Aww, sweetie. You’re so lovely — this email is proof of that.

Firstly, she is a girl smitten. It is hard to reason with anyone in love. Even if someone is in an abusive relationship, you will NEVER convince someone to leave their partner. People have to come to their own conclusions. Trying to persuade someone to do anything is almost always a waste of time. (Even sometimes when people ask your opinion. They usually already know what they’re going to do.)

I think giving someone your virginity for their birthday is a pretty strange present. Imagine the conversation around the dinner table! “So, what did you get for your birthday, Johnny?” “Well, Mom… !”

The fact of the matter is this: the first time is pretty bad. I would be thrilled to hear an “I lost my virginity & it was great!” story. There are a lot of people who just want to get it out of the way so they can actually get on with their sex life, & there’s nothing wrong with that.

Her immaturity is an interesting point. How do we ever really know we’re mature enough for anything? Having children, getting married, buying a house? You never really know until you try it out. Then you can gauge whether you’re out of your depth or not. I often look at kids who are 15 or 16 & think there is no WAY they could possibly be ready to have sex. Of course, at that age, you feel like you could conquer the world before breakfast, so it’s probably not a sentiment they share!

I would also venture that there is nothing degrading about any sex act which both people are enjoying. If you look at sex as a routine, like, “First I’ll do this & then you do that & then we’ll do this”, it takes a lot of the spontaneity out of things. The only real problems start when people are doing things out of obligation or just to appease the other person. It’s a recipe for disaster. But you will learn this yourself sometime!

Her boyfriend does sound like a turd. I don’t know that there is necessarily any point in getting in the middle of it. It will only strain your friendship. People need to learn their own lessons, unfortunately. You might want to say that you think he will hurt her, & if she seems receptive to talking about it, then outline your concerns. Otherwise, I’d advise you to stay out of it — & be there for her when he breaks her heart.