Help! I'm So Homesick! (Well, Actually, I Miss My Boyfriend...)
[ 15 May 2012, 12:20 ]
FROM A READER:
“I am a 20 year old theatre major studying abroad in Florence, Italy with a group of 15 of my friends and fellow theatre majors. I am lucky enough to be in a beautiful city for a month and I should be having the time of my life, right?! Wrong. Since I left, I have not been able to stop missing my boyfriend Chris… I don’t want to wreck my relationship by clinging and begging Chris to email me every second. Most importantly, I want to enjoy the time I have here! This is an amazing opportunity for me and I want to grow and become a strong, independent young woman. I don’t want to be afraid of doing things by myself, and I would hate to waste my trip feeling miserable. Please let me know if you have any suggestions!”
Trust me, I relate! When I was 15 years old, I was fortunate enough to go to Germany for a month with a group from my school. It should have been a dream come true, but it felt more like a nightmare. Why? I had just started dating my first ever boyfriend, & anything that involved me being away from him was like, THE WORST THING EVER.
We started dating just before Christmas, & when I went to Australia with my parents for New Year’s Eve, I spent almost all of my time in an internet cafe, chatting to him. My level of obsession didn’t wane at all in the next six months, & in fact, when our plane took off, heading for Germany, I remember sobbing in my seat. Very dramatic!
Our romance happened in the days before everyone was super-connected. The host family I stayed with (in Karlsruhe — represent!) didn’t even own a computer; it was like torture for my super-internet-addicted self. The only way we could communicate was when I would take a box of Lucky Strikes to the pay-phone down the street. I would smoke cigarettes while I dialled a million numbers (which, of course, I had memorised) & we would talk.
It probably went like this…
Me: How’s Wellington?
Him: The same. How’s Germany?
Me: Totally not like Wellington.
Him: Cool…
Me: Yeah…
God, what a waste of air-time!
Everything about the situation was pushing my buttons like mad. I couldn’t be online, I couldn’t see my boyfriend, & I wasn’t super good friends with anyone else on my trip. I didn’t really have anyone to talk to, just a Discman & a notebook for company. I felt totally out of my depth & really uncomfortable, but looking back, this was incredibly formative for me. In fact, it was GREAT. It forced me to participate in what was happening; I had no choice.
Instead of obsessing about my boyfriend, I was concerned with lugging my 25kg backpack across a foreign city, or stringing a sentence together in another language. It taught me the importance of good chocolate, & that Germans make some of the best sandwiches in the world!
It meant that when our bus pulled up at Schloss Neuschwanstein, with the turrets peaking out of low cloud, it took my breath away. I wasn’t staring at my phone, hoping desperately for a text message from my beloved.
It gave me time to browse record stores & buy Dig Me Out by Sleater-Kinney & Richard D. James Album by Aphex Twin. Even today, whenever I hear those albums, it transports me right back to a train in Germany, the soundtrack to an ever-changing view.
From Berlin to Baden-Baden & the Black Forest, I was immersed in all things German… & I loved it. My experiences when I was 15 years old cemented Germany’s place as one of my favourite all-time countries, & taught me a different way of seeing the world. Sehr gut!
What can you learn from my (mis)adventures in homesickness boyfriend-sickness? As with everything, the very best way to deal with it is to jump right into your present reality & embrace it with everything you’ve got. All the crying & long phone-calls in the world won’t change the cold hard fact that right now, there is an ocean separating you.
When you think about it, what do you have to gain from obsessing about your beau? Nothing. What do you have to lose? A thousand fabulous memories from the opportunity of a lifetime.
Even if this experience doesn’t strengthen your relationship, it will certainly strengthen you as a person. Travelling is one of the best things we can do for our spirit & our confidence: it shows us what we’re really made of in a way that we can never experience if we just stay in one place. It’s when we’re out of our depth that we learn to swim, & it’s in unfamiliar situations that we really blossom.
Don’t forget about him completely, of course — & I know you couldn’t even if you tried. Write him postcards or put together a scrapbook of memories which you can show him when you get back. But don’t spend this month in Italy — one of the MOST beautiful places in the world — wishin’ & hopin’ for something that is out of reach. Try to limit your contact, too. You won’t regret this!
Don’t let love-sickness stop you from going out there & experiencing the world! Aim to come back home with a glut of stories to tell, about summertime Vespa rides & great conversation in the Piazza della Repubblica. Return with stories of your favourite gelato place & the espresso you drank which kept you up all night, toes jittering.
I once knew a girl who was so excited to leave New Zealand & move to Europe; it was all she talked about. When she got there, though, she decided she missed her boyfriend too much. She came home after less than a week. They broke up, & she never went back to Europe. Yes, this is a cautionary tale. Don’t be that girl!
Travelling is sublime: a way of escaping the everyday & launching yourself into a new reality. It teaches us about the world as much as it teaches us about ourselves. It always changes you & provides new perspectives. Sometimes it even provides you with new shoes!
Get out there & earn your international playgirl stripes!
Has this ever happened to you? What advice would you give to this girl? Let us know!
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I'm In Love With A Boy & A Girl: Who Do I Choose?
[ 31 January 2012, 10:15 ]
Dear Gala,Boy or Girl? Girl or Boy? For the past nine months now, I’ve been asking myself this.
No, I’m not pregnant. I just happen to be in love with two amazing people: the strongest and most inspiring woman I have ever met, and a fantastic man who loves me, seemingly unconditionally. Problem is, social norms don’t “allow” for loving two people, even on two different continents, at the same time.
For months, I have been making mental “Pro/Con” lists, trying to figure out who I should be with. I’ve tried to “listen to my instinct”. I’ve sneakily tried to get advice “for a friend”. And yet, nine months later I still cannot make up my mind. It’s taken its toll on me, obviously, and on my relationships with these people. I don’t know how to fix that, and after all this time I still don’t know what would be “the best decision for all of us”, the one that makes the most people happy, or the least unhappy. I know there’s no quick fix, and someone/s is/are bound to get hurt, but how do I do what’s best, ultimately?
I turn to you because the countless emails you must receive probably give you a lot of insight in the weird and wonderful world of relationships, definitely much more than anyone I personally know, and I’m losing hope. Any advice/thoughts/pointers would be greatly appreciated if you have the time to spare.
Thank you for being an inspiration to love and believe in oneself and the world. I am of the opinion that you have helped thousands across the globe, and I can only hope that you will continue on this path. We all need us some lovin’!
Best,
S.
Dear S.,
(How Gossip Girl to call you that!)
Thank you so much for writing. Even though I don’t have a definite answer for you, I have an idea. I think that what is happening to you is probably quite common — a lot of us have been in love with more than one person at a time! — so hopefully we can help some other people, too!
Loving more than one gender can present problems, sometimes from unexpected sources. Even the queer community can be closed-minded. Some people think bisexuals are just straight people experimenting, & others feel that we should all pick one side & stick to it. But I think bisexuality is brilliant. In fact, it’s my favourite flavour of sexuality!
Bisexuality is about loving people for who they are. Nothing could be more beautiful than that!
That being said, I don’t think you should have to choose between them. Maybe that’s just me being an idealist; maybe that’s unrealistic. But then, I don’t think you wrote to me seeking practicality. I think you wrote to me because you want to see some possibilities. You were looking for some lemonade to be made out of all these lemons, so I’m going to pour you a big, tall glass!
You clearly don’t want to choose between these two people. You clearly — as you said! — CANNOT choose between them! When the pros & cons lists don’t work, a different approach needs to be taken.
If all three of you are comfortable being in a love triangle situation, I say, forge onward! Two lovers on two different continents: how magnificent! If nothing else, it guarantees you plenty of travel & kisses in far-flung destinations! But of course, you need to be thoughtful & very open in order to see some modicum of success with this. All relationships are tricky; relationships with an extra heart involved, even moreso. If you haven’t already, pick up a copy of The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures & get readin’!
Of course, some people will say, “Polyamory doesn’t work,” & sometimes, they are right. But by that same token, 60% of marriages — yes, it used to be 50%, but it has gone up! — end in divorce! Very few relationships last forever, but that doesn’t mean you should shut yourself up in a cave & renounce all others! Very few writers become Oscar Wilde — in fact, only one so far has succeeded! — but that doesn’t mean we throw our pencils down in despair. No! It’s not always about the destination. The journey is full of pleasure, too.
Longevity alone does not dictate importance, or even significance. Sometimes our most interesting, challenging, rewarding & revealing friendships are the ones that only lasted 3 months. Two days spent in the countryside can colour every perception thereafter. Our lives can change in an instant, & every day is totally different — so why only play for longevity? Why do everything with an overarching view of the future?
No, no. Far better, then, to live for the moment: to embrace it, in all its richness & fullness. More often than not, you’ll find yourself, & your truth, way out there on the fringes of what society deems acceptable.
The only reason you wrote to me — as far as I can tell — is because you feel that “social norms” don’t allow for this kind of relationship to exist, let alone thrive. But as long as all three of you are happy & satisfied, then who are you hurting? The general public think their opinions matter, but they don’t. What goes on in your bedroom is your business, & you should never feel ashamed about it. Don’t live for an imaginary audience — do what feels right to YOU!
I believe that the more love you give away, the more you HAVE to give away. The simple act of BEING loving expands your capacity to love exponentially! I don’t think there is anything wrong with you being in love with two people at once. Actually, I think it’s fabulous.
Love is awesome,
P.S. Dear reader, have you ever been in love with more than one person at the same time? What did you do? What would your advice be to someone else in this situation? Let us know!
If you enjoyed this article, have a read of some of my other advice articles, like “I’m So Jealous!”: How To Deal With The Green-Eyed Monster When It Threatens To Get The Best Of You! & We’re More Friends Than Lovers… What Can I Do?
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How Can I Be Happy When The World Is Such A Horrible Place?
[ 23 November 2011, 13:20 ]
“Hi Gala,How do you stay so optimistic even though the world around us has so many problems? Everyday I see awful things on the news (war, famine, class inequality, etc), and even my work is slowly taking a toll on me. I’m an environmental scientist, and it is both sad and scary to see just how much of a mess the world is in.
I’ve been trying to focus on the smaller things instead — Look how nice the trees outside are! Look how awesome this cake is! Look at all of the postcards I just got in the mail! And so on. But it’s becoming increasingly hard to do this.
I used to be a much happier person when I was younger and more oblivious to these sorts of things! Is this just a normal part of growing up?
It’s certainly easier to ignore the bleakness of the world when you’re younger. There are reasons why the old envy the young, & it often has very little to do with mobility! Naïveté & youthful optimism are wonderful things, & they can empower us to take on enormous tasks with tremendous enthusiasm.
I’ve noticed the same thing as you, though. I don’t know whether I’ve been in NYC too long, or whether it’s a natural part of aging, but these days, I find it increasingly difficult to ignore the injustices all around us. Sometimes when I walk down the street & see homeless veterans begging for change — when everyone ignoring them is clutching an iPhone while slurping an enormous Starbucks beverage — it makes my heart hurt. Really, the only solution for this is to do as much good as you can.
I recently started working with New York Cares, an incredible organisation of volunteers throughout the five boroughs. After you’ve attended one of their orientation sessions — which lasts about an hour & is incredibly painless! — you’re able to browse through their site of volunteer opportunities, & sign up for whatever interests you. You can practically do anything you like, whether it’s reading stories to children, helping immigrants strengthen their English skills, walking dogs or feeding people in a soup kitchen. The best part is that all the placements are really fun!
My first New York Cares session was at PS 140 M-Nathan Straus, a school in the Lower East Side, doing something called “Art Explorers”. Officially, Art Explorers is “an innovative program that uses games and art projects to promote positive self-esteem, team building & communication skills.” Unofficially, it’s a BLAST! I spent the afternoon with an excitable bunch of 7 year olds, making hand turkeys complete with googly eyes, loose feathers & psychedelic pom-poms. I made one too, & brought it home to stick on our magnetic front door. (Don’t tell anyone!)
Volunteering my time (& enthusiasm!) is one way that I choose to contribute to the world. It’s a way that I can “show up” & be present. If I can help a 7 year old girl with her spelling & make her smile with my pink hair, or if a woman reads an article on this blog that helps her, then I think I’ve done something good. It makes it easier to deal with those difficult things we’re all faced with. It also makes you realise that if you see injustice or unfairness or sadness, you can get in there & DO SOMETHING about it!
We don’t have to sit around & watch the news & feel maudlin about what is going on. We are not helpless. We can ALL contribute something positive. The only thing that’s required is your own willingness to make a change.
As we get older we are presented with a choice. We can choose to grow into cynical, cranky, distrustful curmudgeons, or we can decide to be strong, brave & happy. We can choose to focus on the horrible, ugly parts of life, or we can put our attention onto — & our energy into — the good things. As my friend Mike Dooley says, “thoughts become things”, & it is an irrefutable fact that we get more of what we focus our attention on.
It’s easy to be miserable. You only need to look around you to see how true this is! Conversely, being happy requires constant effort. You might not hit the mark every day — & few of us do — but you have to keep trying.
Being thankful & staying in a state of gratitude as often as possible is a major part of the happiness puzzle. I used to think that was all there was to it, but I’m discovering that it’s not. Actively devoting your time to a cause that is bigger than you is another massive piece of the riddle. Whether it’s helping children or elderly people, cleaning up the environment or educating teenagers, this idea of HELPING OTHERS gives our lives deeper meaning, & ultimately, more happiness.
Here’s a fake statistic for you: 9 out of 10 billionaire rockstars polled said that the act of becoming a billionaire rockstar didn’t bring any more meaning or happiness to their life. Okay, I know that’s a fake statistic, but anyone who has been famous, wealthy or good lookin’ will tell you that these things don’t make you any happier! There’s a reason why the most successful people (see: Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt, Russell Simmons & Sir Richard Branson) donate their time, money & energy to bigger causes. It’s not because they want a tax write-off or good press — they do it because it brings meaning to their lives.
I know that sometimes it can feel hopeless. Short of single-handedly destroying a monstrous Earth-bound asteroid, none of us are ever going to save the world, but that doesn’t mean we should abandon all hope! It doesn’t mean we need to sacrifice our lives to a million charities or people in need, either. The best thing is to choose a few causes which really mean something to you, & then figure out the best way to help.
If you’re cashed up, maybe a financial donation is the smartest way for you to contribute. If you’re looking for a job, perhaps volunteering a few hours a week will bring you some joy. If you have a particular skill or talent, why not ask around & see if there’s some way you could use that to benefit others?
Volunteering & helping other people isn’t just for bleeding hearts or celebrities with a lot of dough. When you match up with the right cause, it’s SERIOUSLY fun, it makes you feel SUPER-good, & it does SO much for others. (I mean, I got to make a hand turkey yesterday! It was awesome!)
The truth is there are always going to be terrible things & sad stories, ranging in seriousness from war, senseless violence & abuse down to ill-fitting underpants & terrible room-mates. Switch off the news if it’s too much for your soul to take, & start improving the lives of the people around you. There are so many ways you can help your friends, family, neighbourhood, city, state or country, & sitting around feeling bad, miserable or guilty is not one of them.
We have to turn up in the world, & be bold enough to ask, “How can I help?” It comes down to doing the best we can with what we’ve got, doing the right thing as often as possible, & being kind. Don’t close yourself off from other people; stay open & always do what your heart is telling you to do.
If you see someone who looks hungry, offer to buy them a sandwich. If you have a spare coat in your closet, donate it to someone in need or even organise a coat drive in your area. If you know someone who will be alone these holidays, invite them over for Thanksgiving or Christmas.
It’s so simple, but your actions can help change the course of someone else’s life… & make you smile in the process.
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"I'm So Jealous!": How To Deal With The Green-Eyed Monster When It Threatens To Get The Best Of You!
[ 26 September 2011, 12:29 ]
This is a blast-from-the-past article, which I had totally forgotten about until @tenaciousleigh reminded me of it! I originally wrote it way back in 2007 — yeah, four years ago! — but it is no less relevant today than it was then…
From a reader: “I really think you should do an article on dealing with jealousy. I just got hit really badly today with jealousy since my friend got accepted to this school and I got rejected from mine, even though the ones I applied to are way harder to get into. I just feel like it is unfair since she has not-so-great grades and doesn’t try, while I put my all into everything I do and have straight A’s. It’s hard to explain. But the green-eyed-monster affects us all sometimes…”
This is such a huge topic, & even though the request was for advice as relates to jealousy between friends, I’m going to include some things regarding jealousy in an intimate relationship too.
“The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.” (William Penn)
Jealousy is an incredibly destructive emotion. If it gets out of control, it can rip your life & relationships apart. Sark has some great things to say about jealousy in her book The Bodacious Book Of Succulence. She says that we should think of jealousy as a gift — that, ultimately, it is helpful because it points the way towards where we might like to go.
Jealousy teaches us a lot about ourselves. If we can step back from the emotions flaring up, a more thorough examination of the situation can be a complete revelation. Why are you jealous of Jane? Do you think she’ll leave you for someone else? Do you feel unpopular in comparison? Does being around her make you feel like a dunce?
I also learnt from Sark that jealousy gets bigger if you try to keep a lid on it, or pretend that it’s not there. She wrote that saying, “I am so jealous!” aloud — especially to the person you’re green about — removes all its power. I don’t completely agree with that though. Doing this might make you feel a little bit better, but it won’t completely remove the emotion, & you have no control over how the other person is going to react to you. For all you know, they could be completely snide & hideous about it, which would only make you feel worse. Use your judgement if you decide to express your jealousy!
The reason jealousy is so destructive is that the whole reason it exists is because you are comparing yourself to someone else. We all do this at some point or another, but we could devote our lives to making comparisons between ourselves & whoever — it doesn’t alter reality in any real way! You will still be you, & they will still be whoever they are. I remember reading Freaky Friday when I was a kid, about a mother & daughter swapping places — fortunately, life isn’t like that!
Another thing about jealousy is that it can be so all-consuming that it can completely blind you to reality. People feel jealous of others because they’ve made a value judgment (“Sarah has wealthier parents than I do”) & attached importance to it (“I believe having wealthy parents is significant”). In this example, why is having a well-to-do family important to you? Additionally, your assumption that so-&-so is better off than you isn’t even true for everyone. The Crown Prince of Brunei, for example, would probably think Sarah’s parents were little more than well-dressed vagrants. The whole thing is very subjective.
How about Kate Moss? If you compare yourself to her, you might feel bad about yourself. She is probably slimmer, more photogenic, more stylish, wealthier etc. However, she has dated a string of men who treated her terribly, & has a slew of paparazzi who follow her everywhere & document her every move. This is not to even mention her past battles with drugs. If she was actually happy & liked herself, somehow I doubt she would have dated such deadbeats, or consumed drugs so ferociously. Hopefully, she is happier these days, though it is almost impossible to know.
So it may be that Sarah’s parents have more money than you, but her father is never around & her mother drinks herself into a coma every night. Do you see what I’m getting at? No one really knows the true story of anybody else, & it is ridiculous to assume you do.
Deep down, you know all of this already. The problem is that feeling jealous is an effect, not a cause. Really, regardless of the reason you’re jealous — that worry about being abandoned, feeling scared of being stupid, etc. — all comes from one place.
Fear.
Jealousy stems from the fear that you do not have value or any special attributes of your own. It is kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy in that, because you believe you have little or no value, you will be constantly looking to reaffirm this. So you see people who appear to be doing better than you, & it “proves” to you that you were right — you really are useless.
It is so easy for us to feel bad about ourselves in this society where we are told we have to consume to be cool, we have to guzzle diet pills to be beautiful, we have to be straight fall in love get married have children make lotsa cash fall in line OR ELSE!
While identifying your jealousy is worth doing, there aren’t a lot of practical steps you can take to get rid of it. The only way to really remedy this whole thing — the source of your jealousy — is to concentrate on yourself. You need to practice some major RADICAL SELF LOVE, baby! Learn to love & value yourself — then you won’t be constantly seeking people to weigh yourself up against. Stop comparing yourself to other people, for your own sake.
Make a decision right now: that you will put yourself first, & that your personal happiness & security are your top priority. Then go about making that your reality, in a 100% healthy, constructive way. Work on yourself from the ground up, in a holistic manner. Start journalling & sorting out your feelings. Read up on the concept of radical self love. Listen to what your mind & body are trying to tell you, then act on it. If you need to see a nutritionist, a therapist, a spiritual guru, do it! If you need to get in touch with your estranged family & clear the air, start now! If you need to cull negative people from your life, please go right ahead!
Improve yourself every day! Take your radical self love bible, go to a cafe & make yourself some goals. Make a list of things you like about yourself & refer to them all the time — if you can’t write the list, get a good friend to start it for you! Think about things that would make you happy, & write them down. Do you want to study in Paris or become a famous photographer? Start making steps in the right direction — take an extracurricular class or make it your aim to shoot 5 great photos a week.
Do whatever it takes to make you feel good. That might mean weird changes occur, like you stop going out drinking with your friends every weekend, or you turn down that girl you’re really interested in, because you know she’s cruel to her lovers. Do what you have to do. If you have to pretend that you care about yourself, do that. It’ll get easier.
In the meantime, try to be happy for your friend. Something that we can easily lose sight of is the fact that just because this or that wonderful thing has happened to someone, that doesn’t mean their life is all beer & skittles! They are still going to have challenges & difficulties, sometimes related to this jealousy-causing event, & sometimes not. They still need your friendship & your support. Don’t pull that from them just because you are dealing with your own stuff.
Continue to concentrate on you, you, you. Discover who you want to be & what you want to do. It’s such an exciting process, which makes the whole thing worth it. Sometimes you might find it scary, but push through. It will make you a better person. As you go through this process, you could find yourself backsliding a bit. Jealousy might start to rear its ugly head, but now it will be much less painful, & you’ll shake it off quickly.
The more you know & like yourself, the happier you will be. You’ll be more in control of your life, with the ability to steer it anywhere you want to. You will no longer feel the need to criticise everyone you know. The coat of jealousy will slip from your shoulders into the street, & you will walk on oblivious.
Working on your self-esteem is not a cure-all, but it is an essential building block. If you don’t have it, suffice to say that life will be much harder. Baby, you don’t need that! Do yourself a favour!
You are an incredible person with your own uniquely brilliant qualities: know that, & trust that. It might sound crazy, but maybe your friends are jealous of you too, sometimes! Being able to deal with these irrational emotions in a mature way is all part of growing up & becoming a healthy, happy person. You’ll get there! I promise!
Extra For Experts:
Building Self-Esteem: A Self-Help Guide
Jealousy in the Russian culture
Top 10 Ways To Deal With Jealousy, from askmen.com
Jealousy Cause Worksheet
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I'm Happy & My Friends Can't Stand It!
[ 31 August 2011, 13:43 ]
Dear Gala,Occasionally, I do really love myself. And it is wonderfully, deliriously enticing! But… It is so hard to stick to radical self love, when other people are trying to bring you down!
Yeah, my body isn’t perfect, but deep down I love it. I love the imperfections, and my teeny tiny curves, because I think they fit me. I think I am the way I should be.
But then you enter “girl’s world”, and you try to talk to your friends, and they’re so full of judgement and hidden fears and their own issues, they just don’t want to hear you’re happy. I know that I should get rid of frenemies, and I did, but even my friends struggle with themselves, and sometimes I feel they just can’t bear to hear another girl is happy with herself.
Occasionally I almost feel ashamed of sometimes liking myself. Isn’t that crazy? I think what it comes down to is that we’re taught to be unhappy with ourselves by so many sources in our lives (esp. media) that it is hard to stick up to yourself and proclaim radical self love!
This is so common. I think that speaking badly about ourselves is something that a lot of us bond over, not just women, but men too. Loathing can be very powerful. Not as powerful as love, but pretty powerful!
Plenty of people have friendships which were founded on mutual hatred of various things — loud eaters, for example, or slow people who take up the entire footpath, or babies, or themselves. It’s weird, but true. Hatred sticks people together like superglue.
Words have power. They affect us & the people around us. Talking shit about ourselves is infinitely harmful. It shapes a sad, negative view of who we are, which we then can’t help but expand upon, & it sends a loud, clear message to our friends & strangers alike. It lets potential romantic partners know that we don’t respect ourselves, & opens the door for people with less-than-honourable intentions, or who are messed up themselves. Even more than that, it shows other women that self-hatred is “normal” or acceptable or okay.
I’ve heard so many women say, “I never even knew it was possible to have something wrong with your (insert body part here) until I heard other women complaining about theirs!” Or you don’t realise your ears/nose/knees are supposedly imperfect until someone else makes fun of them. For example, I didn’t know my ears stuck out until some girl laughed at me on the school bus… & even these days, I won’t push my hair behind my ears! Some part of me is still that 6 year old girl, mortified by something outside of her control.
We hold onto these incidents & they form our identity. An event from our youth, viewed through the eyes of a child, can feel like a major trauma. As we get older, & gain more experience, we’re able to take things in stride… & yet some things which happened to us at a young age are just as fresh, just as devastating as they were 10, 20, even 30 years ago.
Now, about your friends. There’s a definite difference between a frenemy & a friend who happens to have her own self-esteem issues. A frenemy is either an enemy disguised as a friend, or a friend who is also your competitor & rival. A frenemy is someone who doesn’t want to see you succeed, do well or be happy. She is so damaged that she is incapable of wanting anything good for anyone other than herself. She doesn’t love herself, & that void sucks anything that is positive or joyful into it.
A lot of this stuff sprouts from the same place that causes women to compete with one another. We feel jealous & threatened & get all nutty. We think, Am I prettier than her? Is she going to steal my boyfriend/girlfriend? What if my best friend likes her more than me? What if she makes more money than I do? She’s happier than me & I HATE HER!
Part of radical self love is about knowing & recognising that there is more than enough for everyone. There are enough opportunities for all of us. There is enough love for everyone to have a big, heaping slice with a dollop of whipped cream. There is enough! When your container (this is a term I borrowed from the Angry Therapist, who is awesome, but “sense of self” works just as well) is uncertain or cracked or not fully-formed, you worry about lack all the time. You’re convinced that there is a finite amount of luck, success or love. You think that if Jennifer has (seemingly) secured a whole lot of good stuff, then you’ll be getting less… Like Santa Claus doles it out at Christmas time or something. “No happiness for you! You’ve been a very bad girl!”
This is clearly nonsense!
Further to that, as much as we make our judgments & are convinced that we’re right all the time, you can never really know what’s going on in someone else’s life! You’re not all-seeing & all-knowing; none of us are. It’s just like in relationships: we all have our opinions on whether John is good enough for our best friend, or whether Sally is being faithful to Joan, but the old cliche is true, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. The same is true of other people’s lives.
The good news is this: I don’t think you’re surrounded by frenemies. Like you said, you got rid of them a while ago. (Congratulations are in order!) I simply think your existing circle of friends are a bit dissatisfied with themselves. I don’t think they want to destroy you, like a frenemy would. They probably just find it hard dealing with their own issues when they look at you & you seem to be in such a better place.
Most people walk around with a pretty massive deficit of self love. It’s just not something we are taught — it’s usually something we have to figure out for ourselves. Some people learn it as they get older, after having made a lot of mistakes. Some people never learn it.
I believe that like attracts like. I have seen this principle prove itself over & over again within my own life, & the lives of my friends. For example, when I’m charming, good things happen to me. I get special treatment. When I go out of my way to help others, strangers do the same for me. When I choose to believe other people, trust them or have faith in them, 99% of the time it turns out wonderfully.
This is one way of saying that as you continue on your radical self love journey & begin to vibrate at a higher frequency, you will naturally begin to attract people who are at that same frequency. Some of the friends you have now, who are struggling with your newfound happiness & the discovery of the bright pink heart you have burning within you, will flutter away from you, like autumn leaves from a tree. But maybe a few girls will be so inspired by you that they will begin to work on themselves.
I’ve been through my fair share of friend break-ups, so I know how painful & difficult that can be, but ultimately all the friendships that have disintegrated have turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Sometimes it’s not until someone is no longer in your life that you realise how they were really affecting you. Sometimes those friendships shielded you from certain truths that you’re now free to explore.
Of course, this information doesn’t help you right now — it’s more like hopeful pieces for the future. What I would encourage is to continue being you & burning bright. The world is not served by you playing small or pretending to be less than you are. We are able to influence, encourage & inspire incredible acts of beauty & strength in other people simply by being ourselves. It is so important to keep that spark flickering in your heart, & not allow other people’s behaviour to dampen your spirit.
I know that you can do it. You are a radical self love warrior of the highest order! Every morning, imagine painting your face with sparkly, neon pink stripes. Think of your boots as magical totems which kick away hatred, self-loathing or angst with every step. Pull on a sweater which smells like sweet sugar & which has accompanied you on so many adventures. Every day of your life sets a new standard. Every morning, you have a new chance to be your own role model; your own heroine; your own superhero.
You can only do this when you are brave about who you are. You can only grow your radical self love journey when you face the truth about who you are head-on every day, when you refuse to shy away from your less wonderful traits or facets, & commit to working on them.
You are incredible. Your friends are learning so much just by being around you & witnessing your progress. You are doing the right thing. You are beautiful.
See more: advice, inspiration, life, the playgirls guide to radical self love
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