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50 Ways To Put The Light Back In Your Heart

[ 25 January 2010, 07:24 ]

I love that phrase — “putting the light back in your heart” — which was emailed to me by a nonpareil asking me how she could do just that. Her boyfriend recently broke her heart & so she is looking for ways to make herself feel better. I’m sure she’s not the only one who needs it, either! Whether you have the winter blues, are hard up for cash or just feel a little out of step with yourself at the moment, we could all use some ideas to cheer us up!

Why do we feel like this? Sometimes it’s because we’re too busy looking inward, & forget to think about the world around us. Other times it’s because we’re dwelling on what we wish we had, as opposed to appreciating the many things we do have. Sometimes it’s just a case of boredom & malaise, but whatever the source of our unhappiness, there are lots of ways we can fix it!

Here are some of my thoughts. I asked my nonpareils on Twitter about their favourite ways to get happy too, & mixed them all together. I’d love to hear what you have to add!

“We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.”
(Carlos Castaneda)

Write yourself a recipe for a perfect day, & then make it happen.
Sometimes you really need to take time for yourself, & when you do, it should be as good as you can make it. We all have different ideas of what constitutes the ideal day, but it might be something like… Watch the Virgin Suicides while eating strawberry pancakes; take a long bath & re-read your favourite book; lie on the floor & wriggle around; eat ice-cream in bed & watch reality television; talk to your best friend on the telephone; have a long, blissful sleep. Whatever it is, put aside some time & make it real.

Watch the Shiba Inu puppy cam.
Real, live puppies! Wriggling on webcam for your viewing pleasure! Surely an unbeatable combination. Nothing can be that bad when the world is so full of cute!

Call a friend & reminisce over the good old days.
There’s something wonderful about doing this. All the ridiculous happenings, strange people you’ve encountered over the years & inside jokes come spilling down the phone line, leaving you both laughing & breathless. As well as remembering the funniest bits of your past, it gives you a new appreciation of where you are today, & how far you’ve both come.

Have a snugglefest.
Anyone & anything is fair game, from cats & dogs to boyfriends, stuffed animals or cashmere throws. Just hunker down & get cozy! Stay warm & have a daydream.

Clean your room like a wild banshee — then sit down & admire your work.
Cleaning up or tidying with loud music playing is pretty fun (are my Virgo roots showing?!), but it’s even better to flop down on your bed, exhausted, & delight in how good everything looks.

Load up one of your favourite music videos on Youtube & then try to learn the choreography.
You’ll be passed out with delirious laughter before long, I swear!

Plan a holiday.
Even if your bank account wouldn’t even begin to cover a holiday right now, you can always plan one in your head! Think about where you’d like to go & what you’d like to do. Camelback riding across a majestic desert? A tour of all the waterparks in America? 5 blissed-out days lying on your back beside a huge turquoise swimming pool? Whatever floats your boat, do some research, & start to make it real — even if you won’t take the actual holiday for years.

Spend quality time with a puppy.
If you don’t have one, ask if you can go see a friend who has one. A few minutes of chasing each other around, playing tug-of-war with a chewed-up piece of rope & some vigorous tail-wagging will have you feeling like new in no time. Plus, they’re so adorable before they grow into their oversized feet!

Experience a sunset.
Don’t just glance at it from your window — really experience it! Sit on a balcony or rooftop, take a blanket & a hot drink if you need to, & watch the colours in the sky change as the sun disappears. It’s a beautiful show put on by the universe every night, it’s 100% free & even better, you are always invited!

Get dressed up & go out!
Call a friend & organise an outing. It doesn’t have to be anything grand (unless you want it to be!), but just getting out of the house will make you feel so much better. Wear bright pink lipstick to the movies or wear heels & eat hamburgers. It’s a great way to get out a puddle of stagnant energy.

Do yoga.
Even if you feel too exhausted to get through an entire session, just a few minutes will help bring you back to your centre & get you grounded again. If yoga isn’t your thing, try taking a few deep breaths. Concentrate on it as you do it. Go slowly. Breathe all the way into your stomach. Try to make the length of your inhale the same length as your exhale. As well as being a proven way to beat anxiety attacks, this is also a wonderful way to fall asleep if you’re having trouble — it works for me every time. You can read more about your best breath here.

Write.
It really is good for you, even if you don’t think you’re any good or don’t have any ideas. A great place to start is by writing, “Hi. I don’t really have anything to say.” Then just let yourself go. Allow yourself to vent, to dream, to be someone else. If you have a rad old typewriter, this is the perfect time to use it.

Go through your iTunes & organise the songs by the number of times played. Then listen to the songs you’ve never played before.
Every time I do this, I discover absolute gems. Right now, in fact, I’m listening to Knonam, who I had somehow never heard before, & it’s great! Alternatively, play all your favourite songs! Loud!

Eat chocolate.
...Because it’s proven to make you feel good. Especially the dark stuff.

Jump on a trampoline.
As well as being fun & boosting your energy, it also helps to increase the circulation of your lymph system, circulates more oxygen throughout your body, slows down aging, helps prevent cardiovascular disease & provides roughly a billion other amazing health benefits. It really does help to elevate a bad mood, too.

Sign up for OKCupid.
I have a soft spot for OKCupid, as it has given me hours of entertainment & is, in fact, how I met The Dish! You can take tests, find compatible matches & even meet people if you want to get reeeeeally wild! Ha!

Escape.
Get on your bicycle, grab the car-keys or catch a bus & go somewhere else. When you get there, spend some time walking around & looking at things. The travelling time will be good for your head, too. This is something Alain de Botton has written about — travelling helps to clear your head & reset your perspectives in a way nothing else can.

Swing.
There are few things I enjoy more than leaning back in a swing, kicking my legs up & flying back & forth!

Play dress-up.
Rummage through the back of your closet & see what wonderful things have been stuffed back there & forgotten. Put on a pair of heels & see what new outfits you can come up with. It is absolutely true that wearing an outfit you feel good in boosts your confidence & level of happiness!

Do something good for somebody else.
Help Haiti, give blood, volunteer at an animal shelter, deliver meals on wheels, help at a soup kitchen, donate old clothing, spend time at a women’s shelter, get involved in your community or even just help your parents out. It’s one of the absolute best ways to get your mind off your own problems & open you up to what is really going on in the world.

Spend time in a used bookstore.
One of my favourite places! There’s nothing better than walking out with a stack of great books for less than $10!

Remove negative influences — no matter how small.
Fire your negative friend or most annoying client. Stop reading the magazines which make you feel bad about yourself. Ban yourself from checking your ex-boyfriend’s blog. Block the phone number of the person who only ever calls you to complain. You cannot imagine how much better you’ll feel!

Draw moustaches on the faces in magazines!
Hahaha. Thanks @CaitHagar!

Buy something fabulous & cheap.
I recently bought a this Swarovski crystal ring for less than $10 from Eternal Sparkles on eBay — major bling for minor cash. It’s cute & it makes me smile. Sometimes, retail therapy really does work!

Pucker up!
Yes — kiss someone! Kissing causes the chemicals in your brain to change. It drops your levels of cortisol, which is a stress hormone, & increases the levels of oxytocin, which makes you feel good & gives you a feeling of connection.

Eat ice-cream & watch trashy television.
It sounds silly & overly simplistic but it really does work — at least for me! A tub of Ben & Jerry’s Half-Baked & some rubbish lined up makes for a great mental holiday. My favourite trashy fare? Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, Girls Next Door, Sex & The City, Entourage, Secret Diary Of A Call Girl, Skins, Top Model, Greek, Daisy Of Love, The Rachel Zoe Project, Say Yes To The Dress or Buffy. Perfect.

Stay overnight at your best friend’s place.
How long has it been since you had a same-sex sleepover? Too long I bet. There’s nothing better than a night of conversation, laughter & silliness with someone you adore.

Make yourself a super-healthy meal.
The feeling of accomplishment & knowledge that you’ve done something good for yourself is an almost unbeatable combination!

Concoct a special hot chocolate.
Add cinnamon, whipped cream, nutmeg, chili powder, candy canes, marshmallow… Make something special & delicious. Even better, make a huge Thermos & take it to work or school to share!

Go skating.
Flying around a rink at high speed with blades or wheels strapped to your feet is so much fun… & a big bruise on your booty can only be seen as a badge of bravery (& testament to how much fun you had)!

Slice up your fashion magazines & make a style collage.
From a candy pink pair of stilettos to a girl sitting in a gilded birdcage, take your favourite looks & mash them all together. Pin it up next to your wardrobe as extra inspiration when you get dressed in the morning, & let it serve as a reminder to try new things!

Watch a documentary about someone incredible.
If Lagerfeld Confidential, I’m Going To Tell You A Secret, Valentino: The Last Emperor or This Is It don’t inspire you to live life to the fullest, take control of your future & start changing things, nothing will!

Go wig shopping.
Take a friend & rock that wig parlour! You’ll both emerge with smiles on your faces, & hopefully a Marie Antoinette-inspired coif in your shopping bag!

Have a raucous karaoke session.
Drag someone along with you, hire a private room, & have a sing-off! Also, ask if your favourite karaoke place has a happy hour. A lot of them have lunchtime specials to get the punters in when it’s usually quiet. One of the best ways to spend your lunchbreak, for sure.

Pay someone to touch you.
Sounds weird, I know! But what I’m actually talking about is getting a massage, reflexology or even a really good pedicure. Sometimes having someone else touch you & take care of you is just what you need.

Start a new project.
I don’t think I am the only person who really enjoys beginning a new project. Everything is so full of promise & you can take it in any direction you like. It’s all creativity & experimentation all the time. What could be better?!

Get organised for the next week.
Work out what needs to be done, & get a head-start. Do your grocery shopping & laundry, plan social engagements, work out what you’re going to have for lunch. When you feel on top of your daily life, you feel more in control of everything else.

Learn to do something you’ve always wanted to.
From whistling with two fingers to learning how to talk dirty to working out if you’re a shaman or not, you can learn anything you like! The internet is a treasure-trove of information just waiting to be discovered, so don’t be shy! Get researching!

Sing, loudly!
In public, out of tune, at the gym, wherever! If you feel like singing, you should just do it! Don’t be embarrassed & don’t allow the looks other people may shoot you stop you from doing what you want! I think singing in the morning should be an essential part of everyone’s day…

Garden.
As in, the verb. The doing word! Talk to your plants, water them, re-pot them. Buy a new one. Or even go to a park & lie down on the grass. Getting up close with flowers & plants makes people feel good, which is why gardening is such a popular hobby.

Go swimming.
Bonus points for skinny dipping or swimming in the grotto at the Playboy Mansion. (Have any of you ever done this?!)

Make something.
There’s something about making a tangible object that is so satisfying. I am convinced that just moving your hands & using your brain in a different way is extremely good for your mental health. Bedazzle your cellphone, knit a sparkly scarf or make a little monster for a friend! It will shift the way you think & make you smile.

Draw pictures of all your friends & then post them out.
Even if it doesn’t come out very well, your friend will still be completely delighted to receive it. Who doesn’t want a picture of themselves drawn by someone who loves them?!

Research & read about the life of someone who improved the world in some way.
You’ll find out that everyone goes through hardships at one point or another. Nobody’s life is perfect, & if it was, how bored would we all be?! People have been through much more horrific things than you will ever experience, & still managed to triumph. Never lose hope.

Print pictures of you & your best friends, & put them all over your house.
There’s nothing better than reflecting on good times & smiling at goofy photos.

Invite a friend over for dinner.
It doesn’t have to be fancy. Even if you only eat fish & chips while sitting on the floor together, it’s still good company, it’s still a shared experience, & it’s good for the soul.

Read the best of Craigslist.
No explanation required.

Write a list of all the good things in your life.
Usually when we feel bad, it’s because we’re thinking about the things we don’t have as opposed to the plethora of things we do have. If you have a computer & can read this, you are already so much better off than most people in this world. Recalling everything you have to be grateful for is a foolproof way of improving your mood… which is why I do it every Thursday!

Dye your hair!
“I don’t know how to tell you this… But your hair looks like an easter egg!” Put a semi-permanent colour through your tresses. It’s inexpensive & won’t last long, which makes it a super-fun & easy way to change your appearance — at least for now!

Watch travel documentaries.
This is one of my favourite things to do, especially when it’s a documentary about India! It’s so easy to forget that life outside our own neighbourhood can be so fabulously different. A good travel documentary will amaze you, surprise you & remind you that there is a whole world out there just aching to be explored by you.

---

What’s your #1 favourite foolproof way of making yourself feel better when nothing seems to be going right? Tell us!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

Comment [121]
Tags: advice, how to, inspiration, life
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Divinity, Love & Living!

[ 28 September 2009, 21:04 ]

Last week I announced that we were going to be embarking on a fabulous new adventure — & here we are! My amazing friend & psychic advisor Joycelle will be doing weekly readings right here!

Am I on the right path & is this a viable career choice? I’m feeling as if the relationship I am in is falling apart, just wondering what to do & if the right person is ever going to come along.

— Kahurangi

Dear Kahurangi,

Yes I do believe you are on the right track & about to get rather focused, lining all your ducks up in a row!

It appears you have been struggling to assert yourself & your work, but that is all about to change dramatically!

Expect new beginnings & a fresh start. There will be an opportunity of a partnership in the making; this could come through a friend giving you some much needed help advice or counsel!

Expect some fantastic rewarding financial transactions calls for work & lots of inquiries about what you are doing and have to offer.

ROMANCE: if you can’t have this relationship exactly the way YOU want it then you won’t be sure you want it at all!

I see good luck attracting a new relationship or at least romance, & many invitations for socializing. One will be an invitation to a dress-up or formal party!

You will meet your man very close to or at either work or right outside your front door! Look out for a water sign man such as Pisces Cancer or Scorpio.

You seem to spend a lot of time daydreaming about love & romance & have been so close but no cigar with your love life in the past.

Trust me, this is going to change as there will be an aura of romance about you & you will start again on a new foot or with a new partner. I pick up a real fancy or passion for shoes around you?

Exciting stuff coming up with love everywhere as you now want quality over quantity!

As for a full detailed reading… Hold on tight, I am working with Gala to offer you all a fabulous discounted opportunity in the very near future via this wondrous site!

I declined becoming a graphic designer for becoming a teacher. I am really not sure if I have made the right decision… would you be so kind to tell me if I will make my way? — Katharina, Germany

Hi Katharina,

I feel there has been a strong male influence around your decision.

When we are at a “soulful peace” we always make the correct decisions for our highest good. I see you are extremely creative with a love for friendships, cooking, food, nature, children & the great outdoors. You have many talents & I see you will stick with the teaching career & have the ability to pass with honours!

I believe you will spend 6 years in total studying child education with some papers connected to a University some distance from your immediate town, although they may be done online.

Study & then working with children will become a breeze for you. You will give children the power of hope, inspiration & show them how learning can be fun with a capital “F”!

Throughout your life you will show many people just how to have pleasure in their lives beyond the importance of the basics such as reading writing & communicating. You will achieve so much by encouraging children through art, fun & playing games. You may suffer with communications throughout life & career with men or authority figures, but rise above their insecurities & follow your own deep resolve!

You make a fantastic friend & all women will admire and adore your friendship.

I see an attraction for younger children such as early childhood education.

I suggest you allocate yourself several hours a week as YOU TIME to “hobby” on your graphic design passions as you have strong innate design qualities.

You could develop some of your ideas into design for children such as fashion or furniture or anything that is trendy for children OR any design with food in mind even if it’s redesigning or branding in connection to food such as labelling, marketing, packaging.

You also have great talent with languages even sign language. Personally I believe you have made a great choice although the first 8 months may be tiresome & tough… Hang in there.

There is pregnancy around you, either for yourself or a close friend or sister, you may have heard this news in August or news relating to pregnancy within 4 weeks. You are due to be given a couple of gifts, I see a small spiritual gift such as a candle or crystal or something with an Angel on it. Also someone is due to call on your home with a gift of wine for food for you. This will be great confirmation for you will know you are on the right track! Wishing you tremendous success!!!

Should I remain with my boyfriend of 6 years or has our relationship run its course? If so will he be ok?

— Non 13/01/1985

Dear Non,

I feel your relationship has become boring, boring, boring, plagued at the moment with communication problems & lack of intimacy, sorry to be so personal but there seems to be sexual problems at the moment as well? I feel the last 2 years haven’t been that great in your eyes.

You probably feel you are trapped in a dead end relationship & feel like you are living in a dream world as far this partnership is at the moment.

You will want to end this relationship & will almost break up but it won’t end & will continue in spite of everything.

Personally I like your partner’s energy & see that you might like to rethink things & realise all the qualities you found so enticing about him & your relationship so that you can just fall in love again!

I do see you hearing from a man connected to your past & this will be on the phone.

At the moment you may be feeling your man isn’t making any effort towards the relationship & you need excitement & love, attention & fun. I feel he has problems at work which are weighing heavy on him. I also see a romance with a man in a uniform or a professional connected with the law or medicine, if you can relate to this?

I see you not making any major changes over the next 4 months, so do spend time falling in love again. Remember men like to be told how you liked to be loved, so give him lots of praise when he makes you happy, or in black & white terms ASK him for what you need from him & how & in what direct ways you need to be shown affection & appreciation.

There is a lot of excitement coming up for you with sudden lucky news on the career front!

Best advice I get is stay put both in work & in love till after your next birthday!

Oh your man has a surprise for you connected with a partnership within 3 weeks!

You will have a very happy homefront with lots of surprises coming right to your front door!

Not sure what line of work you are in but I get lots of paper work mail letters & news even work connected with the press or publishing industry. I also see the purchase of a new red coloured car around you. Oh… right out of the blue your man is going to give you either a small gift of money or flowers so smile sweetly and say…”Thanks, it’s this type of this simple gesture from you that makes me so happy & what I would like each and every week from you!”

I’m an FTM transgender person & I need to raise 7k for chest surgery. How?

— Luke Black

Dear Luke,

I see you getting your wish but in fact all up you are going to need or will achieve 8 thousand dollars!

This operation & process will take over 4 months to complete, with many check ups, tests & or health-related problems on the horizon but all will END WELL!

I see a passionate business type of lady with one small child helping you with your dream; you will recognise her by the unique glasses she wears.

I feel the money is going to come by simply ASKING everyone you met & by you getting creative!

I see you approaching websites for sponsorship & even getting the medical professions & media on board such as a documentary covering the operation & getting it paid by another.

I also see you scribing a journal or book describing your journey. I feel you have a great sense of humour too! Perhaps this could generate an income to pay for your operations as well!

Good luck for your dream & get promoting yourself on the internet. If there is a site with strong following that has men throwing money at strangers on www.FreeBreastImplants.com, then I am sure you can find support & ideas to fuel your dreams…. Good luck!

I am about to set off for a year long adventure, going to Japan, Australia & America with a friend. What happens when I come back & what career path should I start out in?

— Zoe 17/5/1987

Dear Zoe,

Bon Voyage! You seem to have everything in place & are right; this is a great time for you to take this leap into the big wide world!

I feel if you are going to Australia you might also consider popping over & checking out fabulous New Zealand. You really won’t regret the chance, although I am biased as I live in the most beautiful country in the world!

I feel like you could be heading off in less than 3 weeks from today?

Take lots of deep breaths over the next 12 months as you are more than likely to be frustrated in your travels with transportations & with car problems. Not sure which countries will be most annoying as it seems more of an occurring theme!

You will learn patience & trusting in the divine plan of the universe during this time away.

This trip & travels will be awesome & a true eye opener giving you both experiences which provide tremendous fun, learning & a couple of “blessed” moments!

Personally I want to say, focus on your trip & not worry about what to do in the future so that you are able to live in the moment & enjoy the absolute bliss of that moment!

You will make two very important MALE contacts in your travels that will inspire your dedications or passions for a future career. In fact leaving behind one man you met might break your heart.

You will truly love Japan & feel a spiritual connection with the culture or high pace lifestyle & technology.

This journey will lead & show you the way to your future career passion. Ideas will will naturally unfold I believe just months into your travels, so relax enjoy & be open: you never know when lightening might strike!

I see legal work with lawyers as important. There could also be a position within a government department such as internal affairs or global connections such as marketing or public relations, tourism industries around you!

You have great talents for meeting people & communicating holistically with all walks of life so push that wonderful skill & try to absorb all culture & languages!

I feel there could be family connections or relations that are living in America that you can touch base with or associate with & this will be very beneficial not only during the holiday but way down the road! (I am seeing a vision of the docks of Manhattan as being important.)

Do some family tree researching before you head over to USA.

Just remember: enjoy your journey & focus on the here and now, simply… The rest of your life will unfold upon your return!

I’ve been dreaming of going to France as an exchange student for an academic year. Can it happen?

— Katelyn 27/10/1993

Dear Katelyn,

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

I see three years as IMPORTANT, so either within 3 years or you will be lucky enough to score a 3 year exchange scholarship!

You have two men around you that are important with executing your dreams!

I see an application to a board or committee that you have to make in order to apply.

You will pass through with flying colours & make them proud with your passion to go & promote your local town & nation as well.

The more creative you can be with this application the better, so if you need to make the application in person, get dressed up in French colours etc., as you need to show the powers that be what this experience will mean to you at a heart level & also what you can offer back to France.

I see you will stay or board with a head master or someone high up in the school system.

Tell Dad not to panic or fear for you, he can come & visit or webcam weekly!

Best advice is working on your dream! Keep a journal by your bed & each night ask yourself “How can I succeed getting my application accepted for FRANCE?”

In the morning write down all that you remember of your dream as your subconscious mind is directing you.

If you have a male French language teacher ASK him for all his advice & take it!

I feel so confident for you & excited… So act now as if you are already in France living the dream! Enjoy sweet cherie!

I graduated with an MA in 2008, & then spent a great six months in New Zealand & now I’m back, living at home, I was wondering if Joycelle would be able to give me any insights about my general life direction.
— Kylie Jean

Dear Kylie Jean,

Many thanks for your great work here in New Zealand! I trust my country treated you well!

Firstly there will be love & romance with a nice gentleman in an army uniform. I feel he is high up in rank also & a good guy with a superb career prospects ahead for him. He could be an earth sign man or just older than you.

As for career, don’t sweat nor stress, you have made a great impression to your peers & employers with all tasks & jobs you have undertaken in the past.

Always be asking for what you need, so don’t be afraid to ask your past & present employers to recommend you if they know of a position that will be benefited by having YOU in service!

Within eight weeks & by the skin of your teeth a male will present you with a job opportunity. You will be overwhelmed with joy & jump at it with all guns blazing!

I do see you moving out of your township & moving into a larger city or the CAPITAL of your country for this job, although this job will involve lots of travel around & also across country. If it helps the job is NORTH from where you are living now.

You will work closely with 3 other males & they will appreciate your capabilities, alertness, studiousness & enterprising skills!

I keep seeing planning construction, developing & building also relating to real estate at a top level being important. You will take up more study over next 2 years to complete another qualification which will be backed & encouraged by your employer. Best of luck my dear!

I would like to know what you see in the future for us; because life has just been so crazy difficult lately & we are on the slow path to self-improvement?

— Natasja

Dear Natasja,

Hi, yes times have been very hard for you & Blake. Good on you for having the courage to walk through this tough time! I take my hat off to you both.

You have the wish card sitting right on top of you right NOW!

So put out for your personal wishes and desires to start happening.

I get some unexpected news coming with great success regarding tickets for a trip back home!

There is a strong childhood friend around you offering fun & friendship & a magical invitation coming which I suggest to leap at the chance.

I do get you need to hold your tongue over something & remember speech is silver but silence can be golden. You also have great news coming in the mail connected with money & I see you jumping up and down over it! For some reason it’s been delayed or a struggle to get this money but alas it’s on its way & it has some deep importance with the past!

Your love life is going to have some more changes in store.

I see a lot of your vitality is consumed by your partner’s health & wellbeing, I also feel some issues over medication, either forgetting to take it or hassle with medication or could just be medication has been very very expensive for you both.

Frankly, I think you need some time out & fun and thankfully it’s on its way with a very special love invitation coming!

I feel you could well be packing bags this Xmas to come home to New Zealand & all if not most of the trip will be hassle free & paid for by another! Enjoy you have earned it!

I feel this relationship is getting more like best friend instead of lovers & soul partners at this time? There are some tough arguments also & insecurities abound!

At times you may wish to abandon this relationship but then the karmic pull is so strong it keeps you there loving & supporting your man!

I feel there has been a third party that you can’t seem to get out of your mind as well?

I feel you are due to receive some very good news which will get you back on track for yourself & start the ball rolling in your own life again.

There is a beautiful gift of gold coming which hangs such as a necklace or charm bracelet. Finally I feel some news is coming where you will need to change residence; perhaps the landlord wants to sell? I see you working with real estate agents out looking at property. This feels within 6 to 8 weeks. I am getting 8 years is important — either that is the age difference between you & your man or that could be how long you stay away from you place of birth?

I see news of a sudden wedding! I am not entirely sure if that is your own or a very close friend around you.

Don’t panic about finances as I get you robbing Peter to pay Paul in the last two years.

Connections with Brisbane will be important.

Watch your own energy levels as you could become very drained over the next 2 to 4 weeks

You will have 2 children around you within 5 years so enjoy!

I wish you both the blessings of health wealth & personal success along your new journeys.

You might like to take a look at my website under Aura-Soma® as this system helps support the dramatic changes & challenges you have been through & helps bring the soul back into life after such horrendous ordeals.

Lots of love & blessings!

Can you see us living together in the next 6, 12 or 18 months? Can you see us lasting the distance? Can we make it work long distance for a shorter time longer?

— Hilary 18/09/1989

Dear Hilary,

Your relationship is blessed with love!

There will be a new job opportunity around October for either you or your new man. You might like to watch your communications with your man when you see and talk with him, as you are stressed due to the distance & he is over-working & studying so hard there is pressure on both sides.

The relationship is based on love & I see a happy union & reunion in 3 weeks! Just watch your emotions as they get rather rocky during times of separation.

Yes, you will live together either in 10 months time or from as soon as October you are setting up a house so that he can come & go too!

Please be patient, he is under a lot of pressure to perform in his work & wants to excel beyond his & your expectations, so that his future is set up for the long haul for you BOTH!

Pass the time by looking after you & developing lots of new interests & hobbies.

This relationship has a lot of trust & you are both able to express the depth of your hearts when together!

I see you also furthering your own skills with study in the near future too! Although you won’t be so sure about two papers you choose to enrol in!

Best advice is to sleep on it & you will know what subject to flow upon waking.

Enjoy the time apart, you are supporting a fine man & his career will make you very proud in the near future!

Can you see me having surgery soon and how will it go? When do you think my soul mate is coming?

— Titch

Hi Titch,

Within 3 days of your email you will be talking with your specialist.

I see letters off to an authority to get approval. Please don’t be intimidated by health professionals, basically stand your ground & ask for what you want & you will get it — it might be at the eleventh hour though!

I see you in hospital having the surgery within 3 months, it going well & you being most satisfied with the results.

There is some new procedure or idea your specialist wants to try out on you with a follow up just before your next birthday.

I am getting Aries energy so this operation must be connected with the head & for glamour as you will be celebrating a new look!

The operation will in some way be connected to your past or where you have had a procedure before, near water as I see a short stay in a close town.

I see you needing to be there before 8am in the morning. I also see new glasses & an operation around the eye area.

I see a gift coming within the next 3 months from a family member. It’s something sweet, feels like a box of chocolates as a little token of thank you, & rather unexpected.

As for love life I see a NEW man that you will be meeting at a celebration; feels like before Xmas. Connections with male real estate agents will be important.

In fact I get a property being advertised & an offer coming within the month that you will be happy about. It may not be your private dwelling but a large parcel of land you are connected with.

Back to love… This new man could also be an Aries & works for himself connected with property, such as plans building development, & working with large estates & businesses.

This love/romance will take you by storm: you will be very surprised by a sudden unexpected KISS & declaration of love & affection!

This man has the shiniest of shoes & is rather a snappy dresser. He may have recently had some accident that changed the direction of his life. He seems to be out celebrating his divorce or finalising some deal at the same time as you when you meet.

I also see a new kitten, it feels like a tiny jet black sweetie that you will fall in love with & weaken to bring home.

There will be legal issues to sort out in the next 2 to 3 weeks which could truly irritate you. However, money is coming through lawyers & the finalising of legal papers.

You are also about to venture out on a major holiday travelling in 2010 with another couple.

Great news awaits you the week before Xmas!

I see you wanting to learn some new craft or hobby & will be surrounded by books & written material.

There is good luck for a female friend or younger female relative around a new white car!

As for the new you, just remember Hippocrates oath, never have an operation whilst the moon in that particular sign! So if it was on the head don’t have the operation whilst the new moon or especially full moon is in Aries! I see you out shopping getting ready for the new look!

Best of luck!

I’m beginning to feel like the last person in the world who doesn’t have a cool, supportive partner, or at least a date for Friday night!

— Mandy 01/07/1985

Dear Mandy,

You are surrounded by men & you feel like their big sister or gal pal?

The men love your company & many want more from you!

I feel there is going to be a blind date or introduction made via friend.

So start telling these friends to set you up with their best mate who would be worthy of you! Beware as one guy friend will feel insecure about losing your friendship!

You are fantastic at your job and well suited to it!

I see you will do some study in the near future, if only part-time & paid for by your employer.

You have great promotional ideas & business acumen so look for a paper or subject along business development lines, especially the legal side of things.

I also see the law or lawyers very prominent in your life.

I see a course or learning seminar connected with your work where you may find a new love interest approach you!

Start taking all invitations that come your way as your soul partner is searching for you too at this moment.

He will be younger than you — maybe just 3 years but it’s okay, will mean nothing to you both & helps as he is rather tall!

Now…. I am getting exciting news of a lucky windfall around you or a younger family relative.

I feel there is a close friend that is also doing study with counselling or psychology around you, she may also be single so a night on the town together is important.

Oh, when Mr. Man comes along… I feel within the next 7 months you will have found him & will be extremely happy together.

The relationship will start out rather slow so you might need to bring things into focus rather than him take the lead.

I feel for you as you weren’t meant to be alone & the last 6 years have been truly hard for you emotionally.

Just hang in a little longer, he is on his way! You will also know it’s him as he drives a blue vehicle! I am seeing light blue more than dark blue.

He is a rather shy man but very romantic so expect roses galore when his own heart opens up!

There must be a birthday party or huge social event coming up around one of your male friends. I feel you could meet him there, as you will be out partying & one of the gang flirting and having fun!

You must look good in red, do you wear a red hat & scarf in winter?

Good luck, I understand 6 years on your own can be hard & you start to wonder if God forgot to make your double so have faith. Mandy, I have been on my own for the last 22 years & know just how you feel!

Since I graduated, I’ve been depressed & I’ve had trouble shaking it. Should I pursue the life of an independent artist & create my own business path (scary), or should I enter the creative workforce & work my way up the corporate ladder (scary)?

Lastly, should I forget about winning the lottery?!

— Clare

Dear Clare,

Thanks for being so honest! I want to talk about your depression as it’s very real & life has been miserable for you for the last 3 years I believe.

Would you consider talking with a doctor as I feel you need help at this time!

Sometimes depression can be hereditary & I feel it comes along your mother’s side of the family.

Sometimes it hard to see the forest for the trees & being so creative you can get overwhelmed by trees and forget life is a forest so to speak.

This depression I feel is causing a huge slump in your life, & some days it’s hard to get out of bed & draw back the curtains.

I see you need to take small steps as decision-making has always been difficult for you, especially if left to your own devices.

It’s important you work in a close partnership or with another liked- minded creative & inspiring person in my opinion.

I see you working with another couple, a male & female team who have been in the industry for years. I feel you will learn so much from them if you have the patience & don’t become too arrogant or self indulged etc.

I want to say pace yourself as you seem to have burn-out every 6 months, & feel like throwing the baby out with the dish water.

I don’t see you starting your own business nor would I advise it for the next couple of years, as you need to establish a name for yourself & draw the people & skills into your life at this time.

I feel you are also great at interior & exterior design!

As for winning the lottery, never give up hope! Start each morning when dropping your feet to the ground by saying, “I am extremely lucky with money; I attract unexpected money wherever I turn.”

Once you have built up the energy believing winning is important, real & you deserve it, then start to acknowledge all the unexpected blessings that come your way!!!

I told my girlfriend on 26 November last year to go buy a ticket for the next night’s draw! I felt real strong we were going to win!

She won $83,000.00 & still didn’t believe me even when I read the numbers off the screen to her & she was reading the ticket in front of her!

Once we open ourselves up to everything in life we realise that everything is just energy & you become a magnet to what you want to attract, & will get the nudge or feel when the time is right to take the ticket etc.

In summary I see you working for someone else — you may need to travel some distance or make a shift across town. Then in 3 years you will be pursing your dreams as you will know exactly what they are & have the wisdom to flow with where you are being lead.

In the meantime allocate each Saturday morning to painting & working on your private art collections so that you have something to show along the track!

Never fear the future… You are a Libran & they are all destined to be rich & have money-making ideas at the drop of a hat!

Travel & following a spiritual path will be very important in your future.

Let me know how your depression goes as the colour yellow is brilliant for lifting one’s vibrational happiness. Check out my website under Aura-Soma & living jewels.

I would love some general direction concerning my life & career direction, as well as some insight on my love life, or lack thereof. Also, I have always struggled with my health — any advice?

— Conrad Ryan Bailey

Dear Conrad,

Whilst I see you have a huge change of fate & experiences starting over the next two months, I also see you have had about 6 years of health issues to deal with.

I see within the month some more medical tests, check ups & procedures in store. All will end well though!

I see you travelling to a new area (large hospital or very modern medical clinics) to meet with a new medical physician concerning your health issues. I also see a female specialist helping to diagnose a problem that has been worrying you for some time. In time you will switch doctors & this will be okay.

I feel you will leave the work you are doing at this moment as it’s not really you anyway, & you will have opportunities of study in the future which will inspire you to the core of your own power & passion.

I am picking up a small family business around you.

I don’t think you will be working full time as you health & well- being are going to be centre stage for next few months.

I do get you are extremely talented with technology & computers & will work on websites & programming in the future!

This work is very much self motivated & you can do on your own, however I see an older man will be instructing & tutoring you as well.

There will be a new love interest which is I believe is a past love interest coming back into your life — someone you knew or dated approximately two years ago or is 2 years older than you.

Watch out for a late night phone call from this admirer & enjoy the reunion.

You are about to hear news of a family member taking a trip across water on a fantastic holiday, feels like she is researching family trees & ancestors.

I feel you will be signing some legal papers in the very near future, this will be connected with wills, inheritances &/or shares & investments or just savings plans. It feels very official but very practical and simple.

I am seeing the banking industry here as very important to you & your future. You seem to have a good understanding with maths & numbers and can use this astute knowledge in your future.

Wishing you lots of luck good health, you might like to look at an Aura-Soma reading to get an understanding of your health issues & how to support yourself holistically.

I got married just a week after my 19th birthday – what should I do? I can’t lose my husband and the somewhat stable life we’ve created, but I also don’t want to spend my idealistic youth JUST slaving away at a career I’m not so in love with! I feel torn in two and really could use some directional advice!

— Dallas 12/7/1987

Your marriage is still sweet & fun. ENJOY!

I really like the energy I see around your husband; he truly loves you & will give you everything you want to see that you are happy.

Learn to trust & communicate your deep desires with your husband. He is very proud of whom you are & that you wish to achieve.

I don’t feel you have told him how disappointed & restless you are with your life. I feel you spend a lot of time lost, unmotivated even shopping & wasting money.

I feel you don’t need half the stuff you buy. It’s just filling a void or because of unhappiness.

Try to stop saying DEBT & focus on abundance! If all you think about is debt that is all you will ever have.

I feel your hubby is more positive than you know or give him credit for, & he wants to get the house paid off & be successful as well.

I feel you can really trust your man & if he saw a future with both your dreams & goals in place he would do everything to make it happen, even if it meant selling the house & living on faith in pursuit of happiness & accomplishing a dream!

I see you travelling the world & believe it or not with your husband too!

This may not happen till you hit 30 years of age but it will happen!

There is some unexpected luck or opportunity about to present itself which offers you a new career direction.

I feel you need to sit hubby down & play a game of Monopoly, then start telling him what truly sets your heart on fire & what dreams you hold for your future… Then LET HIM tell you his too!

I feel he would like more property or commercial land in the future.

He appears very good with his hands even mechanically minded as I see him fixing things.

You & your man will both be working on your goals & dreams for the future and it will inspire you to have more TRUST, you will both realise there is more to life & can achieve all your dreams when you both focus creativity in support & with passion & love together, so don’t be afraid to share your ideas dreams & wants with him!

Oh I do see a career with film, TV in the future & lots of learning information & documentaries so STOP spending, start visualising your dreams as a reality, for 6 years will fly & you will be walking the parks of LONDON!!!!!

There will be a gift of money that comes your way through family, feels like in-laws. I am seeing a cheque written out for $6,000.00 for something important.

Once the communication is out in the open & you have put your goals and dreams on PAPER with a commitment date, you will be surprised how your hubby wants more fun in life & not just a mundane lifestyle based on survival and security.

I see you spending more time at the local library, museum or science institutions researching what you want to create. This activity will start drawing many contacts into your life that will help you along this journey.

I also see a gift of money such as sponsorship for something you want to in future. It will take about 6 years to pull off but it will be well worth it.

I see an old woman around you that’s unwell although she may not tell you, so watch out for her & offer her your time & help even if it’s just hanging out her washing or cooking her a meal. She will be tremendously grateful.

OH….. Hubby thinks you will make a fabulous MUMMY!!!

Much love to you all, may the blessings of light be upon you… & may your God always go with you!

Regards,

Joycelle.

...Would you like to know the future, even if it’s just for fun?
Simply ask here! Send Joycelle a specific question along with your full name, date of birth & a pen name, & check back each Friday to read her chosen answers!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

[ 24 September 2009, 00:56 ]

I recently received this email & thought, who better to answer it than all of YOU? You constantly boggle me with your insights, depth, wisdom & compassion, so do you want to give it a shot?!

“My boyfriend for nearly three and a half years has told me that he is no longer sure of his feelings towards me. We have been fighting a bit over the last two months and I put it down to being busy and tiredness, as it is that time of year for us. However, when I asked him if he still loved me, he said he wasn’t sure how he felt and suggested we needed a weekend away together to see how we are and if we fight. We are not living together and work opposite hours, which is difficult, as finding time to see each other can be hard. I have this horrible feeling inside as if we have already broken up. I know we haven’t, but the feeling is hard to shake off. The room we have booked away is lovely with spa bath and king size bed. Should I go into the trip putting what has been said at the back of my mind and enjoy myself and leave the arguing at home? Or is there a better approach, because how do you have a romantic weekend when you know your boyfriend isn’t sure of his feelings towards you?

What advice would you give to this girl?

Here’s what I think.

Yes, you should put the arguments, problems & difficulty to the back of your mind. If you want to scrap it out, you might as well save your money & stay at home! It sounds like the two of you have things to work out, sure, but if you can try to put that aside & just work on enjoying one another’s company, you will have a much better base on which to build.

Put another way: it makes sense to remind yourselves how much you like each other before you decide to dive into repairing whatever needs to be fixed. Otherwise, it’s easy to forget how good it can be when you’re together, & you may feel less inclined to work on it!

People feel unsure of their feelings on all kinds of things all the time, it’s just rare that one person will be brave enough to admit it. If all the two of you have been doing is argue, it’s not surprising that he is uncertain how he feels about you. But the fact that he suggested the two of you go away together is HUGE. From what I can see, it means that deep down, he still loves you, & you are important enough to him that he wants to either fix things or be sure before the two of you potentially make a huge mistake. Don’t take this lightly — it’s like you’ve been given a Golden Ticket. Take it & run with it. Make the most of it.

Spend time together without the television on, lie around & eat & do all those things couples do. Try to rediscover what brought you together in the first place. Talk about where you met, laugh about your first date, & discuss things you want to do in the future.

You might end up talking about some of the problems you’re having, & weird as it might sound, doing that in a hotel room is probably one of the best places you could open a dialogue, because it’s totally neutral territory for both of you. But if you don’t, it’s not the end of the world.

It’s important to remember that your “issues” or whatever will be waiting for you when you get home. Life continues to be the same regardless of whether you’ve been away on holiday or not. But hopefully you will have unearthed what brought you together in the first place, & you will have rekindled some of the spark that made you fall in love in the beginning, & it will give you the collective strength you need to fix whatever is broken.

Et maintenant, nonpareils? What would you do if you were in this girl’s situation?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Do We Have A Future?

[ 15 September 2009, 09:12 ]

“I have been living with & dating my boyfriend for 3 years. I adore him, most of the time ;D, & feel as though we are going to be together but also at 26 am starting to feel a bit taken advantage of. I try to help him through life as much as possible. I do know for sure he is a bit of a late bloomer but I convinced him to enroll in university this year as he was tired of a dead end job & he has been going through with that so I am happy for that.

It isn’t as though I personally am necessarily afraid of the dating & age thing, but I see myself settling down with someone by or around 30, even moving in the next year when I finish university & he could if he wished to transfer. Ideally I would love to be with someone who will discuss moving & planning some sort of future with me. This kid won’t even plan a vacation consisting of a road trip with me next year. My mom says he isn’t the one & a lot of other things which I won’t bother mentioning. I don’t tell my friends because I fear the same answer.

I don’t know what to do Gala. I love this guy but something still feels wrong because I feel like the one who is trying for something bigger. Is there any hope?”

It’s a cliché, but I think it’s true when I say that the two of you are in very different places. That’s okay. It happens. I think it’s pretty rare that two people grow & change at exactly the same rate. There is always going to be a bit of push & pull in a relationship, that’s just how it is.

A bit of push & pull. A BIT. The whole thing shouldn’t be Sisyphean. You shouldn’t have to be the one driving this relationship. You shouldn’t have to feel that you are constantly pushing him, or that you are the one dragging him, kicking & screaming, into the next phase of his life. Where’s the fun, balance or mutual respect in that situation? Furthermore, if going back to school, travelling or moving aren’t things that your boyfriend wants to do, then that’s just how he is, & you need to respect that. We are all entitled to our own lives, after all, & to do whatever it is that makes us happy. It sounds like he is kind of happy being a bit of a slacker, but it doesn’t sound like you’re happy allowing him to be that way.

I think this is a classic case of falling in love with someone & then expecting them to become someone else. It happens all the time, but people come into relationships with their own stuff, & it is their stuff! You don’t have any right to tell him to discard this or that habit just because you don’t like it. That is who he is. That is who he will probably always be, unless he decides that he wants more, & starts to change his life on his own. You cannot change people. They can only change themselves.

I was actually talking to my friend Barbie about this the other day, over dinner. We were discussing past relationships & the various ways in which they had gone awry, & she said that her biggest problem had been always expecting her boyfriends to become someone else. We are all so guilty of this! There is no such thing as a perfect person, & honestly, if you did manage to mould your lover into your ideal, could you really respect them? I spoke to my mother the next morning, & we started discussing the same thing. She told me that often when people get married, one half of the couple thinks, ‘Oh, now that we’re married, they’re going to be like this or that’ & it is NEVER that way! It will be exactly how it has always been! Just as we have to learn to accept ourselves, flaws & all, unconditionally, we have to learn to accept our lovers exactly as they are. Right here & right now, without any extras & in this very moment.

I’ll say it again: no one is perfect. We all do annoying things, & despite which, one person’s dream girl is another person’s evil shrew. It’s really a question of working out how much your partner’s flaws bother you. Some flaws might be deal-breakers, while others are ones you can grin & bear. This is not to say there isn’t room for compromise — you can easily ask your boyfriend not to leave his toenail clippings on the coffee table, or request that your girlfriend get her goddamn dog trained so it doesn’t pee on your floor — but most people are pretty into being how they are. It has worked for them for however many years, after all. Why would they change now, & why should they? Just to appease you? It doesn’t work like that. Sometimes people will try to change for others, but it never sticks. They have to want it for themselves.

Your mother could very easily be right that he is not “the One”, & I think the reason you haven’t asked your friends for their thoughts is because you know, in your heart, that your mother is right & your friends will mirror that back at you. I guess the question is, do you need to be with “the One” right now? If you’re happy with your boyfriend, & can learn to accept him the way he is, then maybe that will do for the time being. But if what you really want is an equal, someone who is on the same page & someone who is enthusiastic about planning a future with you — & by the way, none of those are unreasonable things to want, & there are thousands of guys out there who could be that for you — then it might be time to bail.

We could easily sit here talking about your boyfriend’s failings & perceived lack of maturity, but what good would it do us? None at all. All you can do at this point is either change your reactions to him, alter your expectations, or hit the road, Jack!

Having said all of this, the truth is that if we concentrate on the negative, that’s all we will see, but if we focus on the good things, they will grow & multiply. Just like writing a Things I Love Thursday list, positivity is infectious & colours your whole world. So you can choose to obsess over your boyfriend’s failings, or you can decide to love him just as he is. Despite your mother’s opinions about your relationship, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. No one knows what your relationship is like except for you & your boyfriend. Only you really know what is right for you & your relationship.

I’ll leave you with this. No relationship is perfect, & there’s nothing wrong with having a whole lot of not-so-serious fun with someone whose company you really enjoy. But if a future together is what you’ve decided you want, both of you need to come to the party — & you both need to do so with absolute joy & 100% commitment. If one person isn’t ready for that, I don’t foresee the situation turning out very positively for either of you. What you do from there is entirely up to you.

Nonpareils, have you ever been in a similar situation? What did you do? How did it turn out? If you had to go back, would you do things differently?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Hey, Nutter: Never Contact Me Again!

[ 25 August 2009, 08:58 ]

Dear Gala,

I wonder if you have any advice, or could perhaps write some advice on this subject for your site for everyone to benefit from.

I broke up with my boyfriend at the end of May. It was mutual. At first we agreed to be friends, & we even still went on a pre-planned holiday together. We had a lot of fun, although we argued & cried a bit too. He was still calling & texting me about cool things he’d read or something, & I was still calling him for advice. On the surface, our friendship looked like it was set to go. But underneath, I was angry. I was angry at him for all the things about him that made it sure we were never going to work out. Now I know that those things weren’t his fault: that’s simply why we didn’t stick together.

...But I got really, really drunk one night & sent him a large amount of horrible texts. Things like, “If you’ve pulled tonight, I bet she’s ugly.” Things like, “I’ve slept with a lot of people since we broke up.” (True, & he knew it would be true.) &, “At least I’ve known I’ve wanted to sleep with Dan for the last two years”. Ouch. I spent the next two days ringing & texting apologising, but he didn’t pick up or respond until he let me know he was changing his number, & to never contact him again.

I’ve had an urge lately to just tell him I’m sorry. We don’t live in the same town & I’m not likely to bump into him for a long time. I’ve been messaging one of his friends, someone I always liked & respected. He has been a huge help, & asked my ex on my behalf if he would accept a call from me.

He said, “No way”, & that’s all the friend relayed. I found out this morning. I am really confused at my emotions & just don’t know what to do. I know we weren’t mean to be, & I know I need to accept the consequences of sending him abusive messages, but why can’t he accept I made a mistake & listen to my apology?

Part of me thinks it’s because he is still wounded & suffering after the break up. It’s really hard, though, to not be able to contact my ex boyfriend, not even to say sorry. It’s really hard that I feel he hates me. Nobody wants to feel hated. I feel like he has banished me wrongly. I feel like he has judged me wrongly.

How do you deal with this? I would appreciate any help whatsoever.

Thank you so much.

S.

Oh sweetness! Honestly, I think the best thing for you to do is to forget any of this ever happened. I hate to say it, but I think you have really dug yourself into a very deep hole.

Okay, let’s look at the facts. I understand that you want to apologise to him, & you want him to forgive you, but I think it’s important to look at why you feel so strongly that you need him to accept your apology. I think you want to apologise to him so that you will be able to assuage your guilt in some way. I could be wrong, but I don’t think your intention is really to make him feel any better. Maybe you’re just lonely & want to reach out to him. There’s nothing wrong with that but given the circumstances, you need to stop. You say you sent texts that said sorry, so how is saying it over the phone going to be any different? You have already expressed your regret. It hasn’t made any difference. He still doesn’t want anything to do with you — & that is entirely within his rights.

Think about it. If your ex-boyfriend had sent you similar text messages — while you thought everything was hunky-dory between the two of you, & that you were going to be best friends forever — you would feel horrible. You’d wonder what you’d done wrong. You’d wonder whether your ex had been thinking those things the whole time you’d been together. You’d wonder why you’d wasted your time with him if that was the truth. You wouldn’t want anything to do with him — & again, that would be totally within your rights.

I have written (extensively!) on the subject of not being friends with your ex immediately after a break-up, for reasons exactly like this. You need time away from one another to allow yourselves to deal with the emotional fall-out, because it can be so very ugly. Better to leave your ex-lover with a fuzzy, semi-pleasant memory of your relationship, rather than a painfully clear image of you as a monster! You can say horrible things about your ex to your best friend if you must, or write it down in a journal, but it really should never travel any further than that.

I think you need to take a big breath & back away. Stop contacting his friends, too. That could get awkward really quickly, if it hasn’t already. It makes you look a bit like a stalker, & who knows what the friend’s motivation is in talking to you? Maybe he is interested in you himself. If he is, Do Not Attempt. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200. This whole experience has been bad enough — do not compound it by cozying up to his friend. Even if his friend isn’t interested in you, again, look at the situation objectively. If your ex-boyfriend — who had hurt you — was grilling your friend for information about you, you’d be really mad at both of them. Ultimately, his friend shouldn’t really be speaking to you at all. This is new territory — now we’re talking about loyalty between friends, trust issues, & privacy. Aie aie aie.

You also need to respect your ex-boyfriend’s boundaries. Usually, when people say, “Never contact me again”, they mean it. Don’t be one of those insane girls who gives other girls a bad name. Honestly, please trust me when I say that no good can come of this situation. Don’t let your raging emotions get the better of you. Even in the best case scenario, how well could this go? So you say you’re sorry, then what? Bunnies fall from the sky? That’s probably not going to happen. Cut your losses, & forget about it. No kidding.

If you feel like you’re going totally crazy, you need to find something else to do with your mind & your time. Take an acrobatics class, paint your bedroom psychedelic colours, join a croquet team, build a rad treehouse, write fan letters to George Michael… whatever. You just need to occupy yourself with something other than thinking about your ex-boyfriend. Enlist the help of your friends; tell them you need their help keeping your mind off him. Go for long walks, write a book, go out dancing with your best friend every night for two weeks if that’s what it takes: you just need to get over the situation & stop obsessing about it. Do whatever it takes to move forward.

You’re right when you say that no one wants to feel as if they’re hated, but when you treat someone badly — as unfortunately, you have — you have to expect (& accept) that there are consequences. You know you’re a good person & you feel like that should be obvious to everyone around you — but when they see behaviour which conflicts with that, it makes sense that it would colour their perception of you. This can be hard to accept, but it’s just a reality.

The most important thing now is that you maintain your dignity. That’s ultimately what it’s about. Yes, it has been pretty bad so far, but it could get a lot worse — so prevent that by abandoning your quest to get him to forgive you. It will definitely not happen if you continue on this road, but if you just drop it, there’s a chance that things will fix themselves.

Regardless, you may never be able to patch up this situation, & I think it would help you to come to terms with that. Take this for what it is — an unfortunate, difficult & painful learning experience — & move on. Hopefully you will never make a similar mistake again. If you do, at least you know the likely outcome, & there will be no surprises next time!

I’m sorry this has happened to you & him. We all act a bit nutty after a break-up, it’s pretty inevitable. You’re not a horrible person, you just let your anger get the better of you. It’s not the end of the world, & you’ll be okay. Be good to yourself, & forgive yourself for what you’ve done. (That might be what you’re really looking for while you’re trying to get his forgiveness, anyway.)

That’s my advice. Nonpareils, what say you? Have you ever said something you regretted to someone who was important to you, & were you able to salvage the situation? How did you do it? Has anyone ever done this to you? Are you still speaking? Let us know!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Help! My Mother Is Evil!

[ 8 July 2009, 13:48 ]

Tricky, tricky, tricky.

Here’s the thing: your mother is not perfect. She knows it, & you definitely know it! The biggest thing to remember about dealing with your mother — & every person you meet, actually — is that everything she says to you has been run through her internal filter. Her internal filter has been affected by her childhood, the things her parents said to her, the things she has tried to do & succeeded at, the things she has tried to do & failed at, her own personal belief systems & how happy she is with her own life.

It’s very possible that this is your mother’s way of showing you how much she loves you — by trying to prevent you from getting hurt. Of course, it’s not an awesome way of showing you, but she is doing the best she can with the knowledge she has. All parents can really do is try to improve on how their parents treated them. Look at her parents & the way they treated her: you might find a whole lot of light bulbs go off in your mind, & you’ll have a greater understanding of why she is the way she is.

There could be a bunch of reasons why she doesn’t support you in your adoration of this boy. Realistically, I think most parents don’t really ever want their kids to date. It brings up a whole lot of issues, like talking about sex & birth control, dealing with potential broken hearts, & even just facing the dreaded reality that their child isn’t a child any more! She might also have a problem with organised religion (a lot of people do), or she might be worried that your involvement with the church will cause huge chasms in your relationship with her.

When the people who are supposed to support us — like parents, teachers, friends — fail to be encouraging or positive, it can really hurt. After all, if they don’t have faith in us, what hope do we possibly have of being successful? Well, actually, you don’t need your parents’ blessing to do anything. It’s nice to have it, but it’s not compulsory, & when they don’t step up to the plate with love & inspiration, we can choose to react one of two ways. You can either decide that they’re probably right, & not try… or you can stick to your guns & go for it. Rally some people around you who do have faith in you, & start taking big strides towards your goal. Success is the best revenge, after all!

One thing I’ve learned is that support & encouragement can come from the most unusual places. Just because you & your mother are related to one another, that doesn’t mean you necessarily have each other’s best interests at heart, or know how to communicate with each other.

It’s not at all unusual for you to be able to relate better with someone who isn’t part of your immediate family. I know a lot of people whose families were so beastly that they don’t talk to them at all any more, & so have gathered around them people they respect who act as mentors or role models. Similarly, a lot of my friends regard their closest friends as their chosen family, & have very little to do with their mother, father, siblings, etc.

I totally relate to you checking out the church to see what it’s all about. When I was in my early teens, I also flirted with a bunch of religions or belief systems — Christianity, Paganism, Buddhism — because I was trying to work out who I was & what I believed in. They all had their appeal & things I liked about each, but eventually I realised it wasn’t really my thing, & so I went on my way. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you learning as much as you can about something which interests you; I think all religions & belief systems have valuable things to teach us. Just take it at your own pace, & do what feels right to you. (By the way, I think it goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway: you don’t need your mother’s permission to believe in God or obtain a new belief system!)

Being a teenager really SUCKS sometimes, & it’s hard enough to grow up & be sparkling with self-love even if you have the most wonderful parents in the world. When mothers & fathers join in on the hate brigade, it’s no wonder that so many teenagers go completely nuts. We all have a tough time living at home, which is why so many of us leave the first chance we get! (I moved out of home one day while my parents were on holiday in Europe!) I’m sure every nonpareil reading has horror stories galore about the trials & tribulations of being a teenager! The great news is that you only have two more years until you’re free to get out of there & do your own thing. You survived 16 of them, so another two shouldn’t be the end of the world!

Above all, please don’t let your mother’s own personal insecurities affect the rest of YOUR life!

Big kisses & lots of blessings for everything you choose to do.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Met Someone New & Can't Deny The Reality Of My Relationship Any Longer!

[ 4 May 2009, 07:43 ]

I received this email the other day.

“I met my boyfriend John when I was 15. I’m 29 now and he is 31. His parents continued to support him until I forced him to start working, because he wasn’t doing a thing with his art. He is lovely. He’s good to me. We have great sex still. We have a lot in common. He’s an adult but not living like one. He has a savings account because I made him get one. He doesn’t have health insurance or a retirement account. I don’t know what would happen if he got really sick, or hurt, but it would probably involve me having to figure out how to get him treatment and pay for it.

The current conundrum: I met a guy named Zillah. Things were friendly at first, but over the past 4 months, we’ve gotten close… and maybe done some things that many people would take issue with, since we’re both in relationships.

I have always seen myself with John forever, and the thought of meeting someone else never even occurred to me. Even though I can’t picture what life will be like with him in the future. I feel like we haven’t discussed goals. All the aforementioned stuff is really stressful to me, but I do love him.

But since meeting Zillah… I’ve been thinking about what being in a relationship with him would be like. He’s in the same industry as me, he’s successful, motivated and driven (so important to me), we have a variety of things in common… I could go on.

My question is this: Is it wrong to partially fall in love with someone because they have their sh!t together in a way that my boyfriend of 14 years does not? Is it wrong that I think about life with Zillah being an easier life because I am not the only one who is actively planning the future? I feel like it’s not easy that I want, but equal. Equally excited about planning for the future.

I had sort of been in denial about what has been bothering me in my current relationship, and now I feel like I have seen that things can be different. I don’t want kids, but sometimes I feel like I have one. He knows that his parents raised him in a way that has really hindered his fending for himself, but it hasn’t led to him really doing anything about it.

I don’t know what to think, but this boy problem has made me realize that I am not completely happy with my current situation. If you have thoughts on this, or I have overlooked a question you answered or article you wrote, please refer me to them!”

I think the first & most important thing to address is that it is never wrong to fall in love — partially or fully — with someone. Our heart does what it wants, & often we’re really just along on the ride with little to no say in what goes on. Fact: You can’t help who you fall for.

The second thing to think about is that just because you have met this guy & you like him, that doesn’t mean you have to launch into a full-blown affair, or to break up with your boyfriend & jump into a new relationship. Not at all. I think the people we meet are markers along the road of our life, & they all have different things to teach us. Maybe this guy came into your life to show you what other options are out there, & to open your eyes to the reality of your current relationship — & nothing more.

Being in a long-term, intimate relationship with someone whose outlook on the world is clearly different to yours can be really difficult, especially when you feel like the person “in charge”. No one really wants to look after someone else in a relationship, unless they’re looking for some kind of pet project (which is another subject entirely!). That stuff gets old quickly. If you don’t feel that he’s pulling his weight, you’re probably going to start resenting him, & that will make the base of your relationship very rocky.

It sounds like you & John are in very different places. There’s nothing wrong with that, but at some point, it is going to start to cause problems. You sound like you are an adult: you are responsible, you are mature, you want to plan for the future & have some kind of certainty in your life. It sounds like he’s lagging in that department, & yet you’re trying to drag him along with you. Women do mature faster than men, but if he’s 31 & still floundering around, you might need to come to terms with the fact that he’s not going to change in a hurry. Maybe he’s always going to be like this. If he was, could you deal with that?

One of the great lessons of relationships — in my mind — revolves around learning to love an imperfect person. That is all that anyone is. No one is ideal, no one is going to tick all your boxes & be this immaculate creature. Ever. Once you’ve come to terms with that, it’s time to assess whether their imperfections are the sort of thing you can love… or leave. Some character traits are a total dealbreaker, while others you might decide are worth putting up with. After all, you probably don’t clean the shower as often as you should. Maybe you leave your underwear all over the house, or have extremely long, loud phone conversations at ridiculous times of the night, but your positive qualities probably outweigh these things — at least to John.

You & John have been together for 14 years. That’s an amazing run, & is to be commended. But I have to question whether you’re still right for one another. People change so much, especially from their teens into their early twenties, that it’s extremely rare for couples to stay together during that period. Maybe now that the two of you have gone through that, it just seems easier to stay with him. It’s comfortable & safe & easy. But it doesn’t light your fire any more — & that’s okay, & very natural.

I think this kind of thing happens all the time. We have these partners who we love, but we know things aren’t totally right… & then we meet someone else who makes us feel alive again. Sometimes we get involved with those people, & sometimes we don’t, but what these situations seem to have in common is that they jolt us awake, they incite us to take some kind of action, & give us the confidence to move into the next chapter of our life.

Call me an optimist, but I think we are always moving onwards & upwards to something better. Even if it doesn’t look like that at the time, & we feel confused & conflicted & unsure of ourselves. Know this much: life is always unfolding perfectly & exactly as it should.

What you decide to do next is up to you. Maybe it’s time for you & John to have some difficult conversations, but maybe you don’t want to disturb the status quo too much. What I do know is that it would be a shame for you to settle down with him permanently without having discussed these things, or while feeling that your life could have been much more exciting.

I’ll leave you with this, because I think it sums up your situation pretty nicely.

“Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains two descriptions: might have, & should have.” — Louis E. Boone

Good luck in whatever you decide to do, beautiful girl!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Can't Believe It; I Didn't Get Into University!

[ 2 February 2009, 14:50 ]

To answer your question — well, it’s pretty simple really. Once you get past all the panic, you’ll see that you can do anything you like. (This is always the case. You can always do anything you like.)

In my opinion, you should do something fun with your time, & re-apply next semester — if you want to. Who knows how your life will change in that time? When the next semester rolls around, you could be a completely different person, selling tea in Morocco, totally enchanted by the landscape & your new beloved. Your distant dreams of being an accountant may seem very far away.

I understand that you’re disappointed & were really looking forward to kicking off this whopping new chapter of your life. Maybe you planned on starting university with all your friends — now, they appear to be moving forward while you’re stuck in one place. Don’t worry about that, it’s an illusion. The disappointment will pass, & just because your friends are doing something doesn’t mean you need to do it too. That’s their path, not yours. You don’t have to operate on their time-line — in fact, your life will probably be much more interesting & satisfying if you don’t.

There’s no reason why you need to start now, & if you, like me, subscribe to the concept of everything happening for a reason, then you might like to view this new twist as a blessing from the universe. A shining opportunity to learn more about who you are, what you want, & where you really want to go.

University might have been part of your grand life plan, but life is full of curve-balls, surprises & trickery. That’s what makes life juicy! When things don’t go “our way” — or the way we think they should go — we pout & stomp about & generally flail around until… well, until we get over it. I suggest skipping the tantrum part if you can. Right now, I’m really into this idea of organic progression. I completely made that phrase up, but it’s basically a more palatable idea (to me) than “go with the flow”. What it means is not pushing back when life takes an unexpected turn — just paying attention, staying present, watching for the long-eyelashed wink of the universe & taking your cue. It is entirely possible that the universe is throwing you a big, delicious bone — but you can’t see it because you’re so wrapped up in things happening the way you want them to. As clever as we all think we are, we humans don’t always know what is “best” for us!

I really believe that within everything supposedly “negative” that happens in our lives — misfortunes, heartbreak, difficult relationships — there is an opportunity to spin that into something amazing. It is this incredibly fabulous chance to sort through some of your own scrumptious human messiness & emerge at the other side, slightly bloody but victorious, with a greater understanding of yourself, life & the people around you.

These extra months that have been bestowed upon you are a gift from above — it’s just that it was wrapped in unappealing paper. Who knows what’s next for you? You might even discover your real, actual, true life purpose, & you might not need a university degree to live out that purpose with love & passion! Even better, you get to figure all this stuff out without the stress of paying course fees or taking exams!

This is a beautiful time for you, full of magic & fortune & freedom. Enjoy it.

Extra credit: When was the last time that an unfortunate turn of events was actually something fabulous in disguise?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Questions On A Postcard: He Loves Me More!

[ 4 January 2009, 17:43 ]

Dear Ms. S.,

What lovely penmanship you have!

In my experience, relationships are always somewhat unbalanced. Regardless of the situation, whether it’s marriage or a summer romance, one person is always more invested than the other; that’s just how it is. It keeps life interesting & maintains that deliciously ridiculous merry-go-round effect. If you have to be in one position, I tend to think that being the person who is more loved is preferable, but of course it does put you in an awkward situation. It’s a sort of stasis. There are feelings of guilt. You wonder if you’re both wasting your time. You think, ‘Maybe I should let this person go so that they can find someone who loves them as much as they love me’.

What you do about the situation is entirely up to you. I can’t say what is right for your life, & plus I have faith that whatever you do will be what you were meant to do. The universe has your back.

What I will say is this. Even when we do our best to seek out a more magical & meaningful existence, life is full to overflowing with average things & mundane realities. Dull jobs, exams, corporate attire, standing in queues, early mornings, tired eyeballs & many, many interactions with the great unwashed. There are all these things which fill us with a vast nothing. Love should not be one of them.

The fact that he is “nice” is not enough to keep you together. Plenty of people are nice & good. That doesn’t make them lover material. That doesn’t mean they are the person to whom you should “hitch your wagon”.

Learning to make yourself happy should be one of your primarily preoccupations. If you feel more joy when you’re by yourself than when you’re with him, then you know it’s time for something to change. The thing with learning to make ourselves happy is that sometimes it takes a leap of faith. Sometimes we have to break up the status quo with a big hammer in order to get there. Sometimes it’s more of a demolition derby, but hey. You gotta do what you gotta do.

There is a period of malaise in every relationship. The initial sparks & fabulousness begin to fade, & it’s just night after night of getting takeaways, watching television, etc. Some people feel that once they get to a certain age, it’s easier just to settle down with someone who doesn’t make them want to commit mass homicide, so they do. But some people would rather be in a relationship with someone who makes them feel electric. You get to choose which camp you’d rather summer holiday with.

If this boy doesn’t make you want to explode with joy & excitement, if thoughts of him DON’T dance like sugarplums in your head, if the mere mention of his name doesn’t fill your body with fireworks, if you don’t spend hours daydreaming about your future together… then you’ll be happier doing your own thing, sugarplum.

Take that time that you spend together, twiddling your thumbs, & invest it in yourself. Cold & calculating as it may sound, your returns will be far greater. & who knows — in that time, you might just meet someone who really captures your imagination. Someone who you could love more than you ever imagined possible.

Fingers crossed.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Avoid Regressing When You Stay With Your Parents (Alternate Title: How To Survive A Family Christmas)

[ 10 December 2008, 23:22 ]

My friend & I were discussing spending Christmas with our families the other day. Here’s part of her email.

“I find myself regressing when I stay with my parents. There are inherent things that I find frustrating about the way we relate to each other… I get pissed off at them and I don’t want to be like that any more.

I guess I’m in a weird situation with my parents where I feel like I need to do what Mum does when I’m staying with her. She is ultra clean to the point of being an anal freak and she never sits down, so she is constantly moving constantly working constantly cleaning something doing SOMETHING. It’s a quality that I really admire in her and I want to be like that but I’m just not. When I get home after dealing with f*ckwits for 8 hours solid I relax by cooking and I make a glorious mess. I do the dishes with my husband and then I want to read or take my dog for a walk, pot around my garden or write in my journal and basically chill out in a productive but gentle way.

...I really want to encourage you to write that article, I think pretty much everyone I know ends up squabbling with their parents/regressing when they have to go back there. It’s such an awkward thing. I think a lot of it comes down to no matter how old you are, if you can’t adhere to your parents routine don’t overstay past the point where you become their daughter returned to interrupt their lives rather than a welcome guest.

How do you relate to your parents? Is everything cool these days?”

Oooooh, what a subject!

I definitely used to regress when I went back home to stay with my parents, even though I have been living out of home for years. It was almost like as soon as I stepped over that familiar threshold, I turned back into that loathsome 16 year old that I thought I had left behind.

I would become surly, uncooperative, selfish, grumpy & charmless — very teenage Gala at her worst moments! Not pretty! & I couldn’t understand it. Even the smallest request had me reacting completely churlishly. What was it that made me behave like that? What made me so short-tempered & unpleasant? Was it just the fact that my parents were completely insufferable, & I was brilliant, therefore they had no rights to ask me to do anything at all ever?!

Well, um, no, not exactly. The way I see it, it’s all about repeating patterns. Most of us lived with at least one of our parents until we were about 18, which is a very long time. In that time, thousands of patterns & routines were established, & that’s the thing about a pattern: it can be hard to break, especially when you’re thrown back into the situation or environment in which you are used to acting (or reacting) a certain way.

I really don’t mind cleaning up after myself, rinsing my dishes, making my bed. In fact, I do those things of my own volition when I’m in my apartment. But for some reason, it used to be that when I came back home & my parents asked me to do one of those things, I would react badly. I would grumble, complain, pout. “Just a minute,” I’d yell. Several minutes would pass. They would harass me to get off the internet. (Geek, you see.) I wouldn’t want to. Things got ugly.

Thankfully, that phase has passed.

I feel very fortunate in that my parents & I get along very well these days, & even after spending weeks (or months) together, we still all get along. Hopefully just saying that will give someone reading this hope, because when I was a teenager, our humble home was not always the most delightful scene. Familial relations do improve, & it’s not just mine — these days, most of my friends get along with their parents much better than they did when they were teenagers, feuding constantly.

I think part of the reason why my family & I can coexist peacefully now is that I have been out of home for long enough that I don’t really identify myself with them any more. That sounds weird, I know, but let me explain. When I left home at 18, I moved 600 kilometres away & since then, we have never lived in the same city. I have now been away long enough that I feel like I know who I am. I’m not just “Jonathan’s daughter” any more — I have lived in Auckland, in Melbourne & New York, have had many adventures & expeditions, & me & my lifestyle are so far removed from their routines & patterns that all the things they used to do that drove me crazy don’t bother me any more. My parents are nutty in their own delightful way, but I guess what happened is that I don’t take that stuff personally these days. They can do whatever they like & it doesn’t affect me. They are just people. It’s cool, & it doesn’t bother me.

Another thing that can make life tough is that most of us feel a reasonable amount of pressure when we return to the family nest. There are always so many questions, & the opportunity to delve much deeper into issues than you ever can by telephone. How is work going? How’s your relationship? Are you happy? How are you raising your children? Is everything going okay?

Our parents only want the best for us, which is sweet & touching, but sometimes we can’t help but wig out over all of that. We want to do things at our own pace, & when people ask us questions about things that maybe we’re working on but haven’t quite figured out yet, or that they think are important but we don’t, it can make us feel a bit nuts.

One thing that happens as we get older is that we become less partial to our family’s opinion of us. As we leave home & go out & experience the world for ourselves, we realise that we are capable of navigating things in our own way. With that comes the realisation that our parents are just people like anyone else. They do their best but they’re not perfect, & what they say is not gospel — just one person’s view. Some people resent their parents when they find this out!

Thankfully, I don’t feel like the child whose parents are waiting for them to blossom into something great, or to “make something” of myself any more, probably because I feel like I have done some pretty good stuff under my own steam. I am reasonably secure in my own identity these days, & even when my parents disapprove of something I’m doing, that doesn’t affect me anywhere near as much as it used to. (If I ever wonder about that, I just remember that they initially had their doubts about me starting this website!) I don’t know if they ever really put a lot of pressure on me, I probably put it on myself & thought it was them, but whatever the case, I feel much more comfortable just being myself around them these days.

Plus, when I come back to see them, I’ve actually had time to miss them & I’m looking forward to spending time with them again. If your parents just live around the corner though, I can definitely see how it might be a little bit of a how can I miss you if you won’t go away? situation!

It’s always weird going home, though. After all, your parents raised you (probably). To them, you are pretty much always going to be the kid that they devoted all their time to, so the way they see you is probably not the same way you see yourself. I think it shocks my parents that they never get to see me in my school uniform any more, especially based on the way they behave sometimes. My father will sometimes bring up old phrases or things I used to say as if it were yesterday — when I have all but forgotten the fact that I used to do this, that or the other thing.

Unfortunately, one of the things I’ve learned about “going back home” is that if you want to do it successfully, you really have to play by their rules, & sometimes those rules clash with your world view. Think you’re a successful adult in your own right, with an exciting love life & an independent lifestyle? Think again — especially if your friends want to call after your parents have gone to bed! Reigning all that stuff back in after you’re used to living by your own rules can be tough.

Sometimes it makes me laugh to think of huge celebrities going back home for Christmas. “I don’t care how many Grammys you’ve won, Mariah, can you just put your dishes in the dishwasher once you’re done?!”

Christmas can be especially difficult, because usually it’s not just you & your parents, it’s you & your extended family. I think there’s a lot of pressure on Christmas to be this magical time of family & shared jolliness, when sometimes it turns into a mud-slinging fest as soon as the first bottle of champagne is popped. Alcohol + relatives is almost a guaranteed method of discovering someone’s true nature!

We all feel like just because we’re related to one another, all of a sudden we should have lots in common, plenty to talk about, & a cozy feeling of brotherhood & kinship. Sometimes it can feel like our family is dysfunctional if we’re not all sitting around a fire laughing good-naturedly & knitting each other matching sweaters. It’s completely normal for small factions of our families to break off & go & smoke outside & complain about one aunt or another, for old grievances to resurface, or for someone to get hysterical over the turkey. It’s not necessarily what we want to happen, but it can & it does, & that’s okay. Families aren’t perfect.

The crucial thing about getting along with your family — also known as not buying into the bullshit — is to remember who you are. Who you are, not who everyone else thinks you are. We all play roles in our families, relationships & workplaces, but don’t let other people’s thoughts about who you are determine how you behave. There is no surer route to misery. Your parents might remember you as a child in the nativity play, your cousins might think of you as the kid who went through that weird goth phase, & your grandma might always remember you fondly as the girl she taught how to sew — no matter how old you get or how many children you have. All of those things may be true of your past, but you are more than the sum of other people’s memories. You are whoever you want to be, & even that can change from day to day. This Christmas you might be the turkey-carver, salad-bringer, champagne-pourer, couch-commando, peace-maker, pace-maker, whatever. Your family will have expectations of you — this is par for the course. But you don’t have to play into that role unless you want to; unless it serves you & makes you happy.

It’s extremely easy to act the role we’re used to playing, especially when everyone else in your family is playing their role perfectly. It’s like one big discordant orchestra, each person plucking their own badly-strung instrument. The thing is that if you can manage to break your own patterns — say, for example, instead of spending the day texting furiously, you help your mother with the turkey or give your uncle a break by looking after your cousin — you will remind everyone else that it doesn’t have to be the way it always has been.

The best way to survive a crazy family Christmas is to act as your ideal self, & hold up a light for everyone else. It’s just like those psychology experiments where someone who is brave enough to behave differently inspires others to do the same. Think how shocked your parents would be if you played the part of the dressed-up-ray-of-sunshine! It might even influence your father to neglect his typical role of the-man-who-gets-grumpy-after-too-many-beers, or prevent your mother from reprising her award-winning epic as the-woman-who-overcooks-everything-&-then-cries-about-it! After all, it’s hard to continue as you normally do if everyone around is behaving in a way that’s intensely out of character.

Before you cross the threshold, bearing gifts or grudges (& perhaps both), sit in your car & check yourself out in the mirror. Don’t just look for errant eyebrow hairs; use this time to re-group & centre yourself. How do you want this Christmas to go? Regardless of your religious beliefs, most people agree that December is about celebrating family & friendship — so think about how you’d like to do that. Does complaining about the meal, squabbling with your brother & getting into a passive-aggressive argument with your grandmother really embody the ideals you’re aspiring to? Is that how you want to see out the end of the year?

Christmas puddings may be the perfect size & weight for pelting at your irksome relatives, but if you can exercise some restraint, everyone will be better for it!

So, what are you doing to do differently this year? I haven’t had a family Christmas since 2005, & plenty has changed since then. I’m going to pay close attention to my mother, the one who holds it all together, since I’d like to throw a big (American! Winter!) Christmas bash next year…

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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What Should I Wear?

[ 18 November 2008, 08:00 ]

People often email me saying,

“I’m (insert age) & (insert size), what should I wear?”

There is no real answer to this. No one “should” wear anything, except for something that makes them happy. Just because you think you’re too young, old, skinny or big, that doesn’t have anything to do with what you wear.

Curvy girls don’t have to dress to de-emphasise their shape, just like girls with little boobs don’t have to dust bronzer on their chest in an elaborate pattern so they can create the illusion of big breastisses. The whole concept is ridiculous. What is beautiful to me is not necessarily beautiful to you, & vice versa. Different things appeal to different people, & that’s wonderful! Who wants a homogenised society?

What you wear is entirely up to you! You are not obligated to wear something to please your mother, father, husband, wife, sister, brother, manager or local clergyman. You can, if you want to, but it isn’t usually a recipe for sartorial joy.

When you look at well-dressed people, the #1 thing you start to notice that they ALL have in common — regardless of their personal style, shape or budget — is that they look confident & happy with what they’re wearing! If you feel confident, you can get away with pretty much anything, & when it comes to that, I can’t tell you what will make you feel that way! Some of us like tutus, some of us like tuxedo pants, others like lederhosen. It’s a beautiful personal mystery, & one that only you can find the answers to.

If you want to know how to “minimise your problem areas”, buy a Trinny & Susannah book & be done with it, but honestly, that’s not the way to make yourself happy. You do not have to dress like a suburban mother just because you have a bangin’ booty, or luscious thighs, or a little belly!

Know this: There is no such thing as the perfect body. We all have different views of what is hot or sexy or crush-worthy, & that’s amazing, & to be embraced! You are gorgeous just as you are. Don’t hide yourself away because you don’t have Marilyn Monroe’s curves or Kate Moss’ frame.

For more information on decoding your own personal style, check out Top 5 Ways To Define Your Own Personal Style, What Does Your Clothing Say About You? & The Definition Of Real Style (Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying & Love The iCiNG). I’m going to be writing more on personal style really soon, probably on my flight to New Zealand today, in fact, so sit tight!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Can't Stop Shopping. Help Me!

[ 29 October 2008, 13:20 ]

Gala Darling – I Can’t Stop Shopping. Help Me! (mp3)
Right-click to save, or click to play.

“I used to laugh off the fact that I was always in debt and a bit of a shopaholic. Now I realise I actually have a very serious problem.

I go to uni in a city and so every day I go past shops which draw me in and I end up spending anything around £50 a day on stuff I could do without. But I literally can’t stop. I don’t know what to do.

I feel like I don’t want to stop as I get such a buzz but feel so sick with guilt and worry over my debts.

My debts from shopping are around £2000. I know this may not seem much but I am a student with rent to pay and I only get a £4000 loan a year. I feel like I need to go to rehab or something!

I feel so bad because my boyfriend is so helpful and lends me money to pay off my overdraft but once I am in the black I just go straight back out and spend it again. I can’t, literally can’t save money. Please help.”

Ah, the rollercoaster ride that is shopping-when-you-have-no-money. Of course, it’s fun, it’s a little dangerous, you know it’s kind of stupid but hey! That bank gave me that credit card, right?! They wouldn’t have given it to me if they didn’t trust me with it… I know what I’m doing… I can pay it back easily…

& so you go out & you spend, & you walk home high on the scent of receipt paper & bulging shopping bags, & you throw open the front door & set everything down in the living room. An hour or two later, you walk back into the living room & regard what you’ve done. What is this thing? Why did you buy that? This isn’t even going to go with anything else! You can’t wear that, you’ll look like Beyonce on an off day. Oh, god. Why did I do that?

You start to feel guilty about what you’ve bought. I shouldn’t have spent all that money. What was I thinking?! You don’t sleep very well that night. & your feelings of inertia & fear fuel you to go out & do it all again the next day. & the day after that. & the day after that.

We all have moments where we go shopping for a pick-me-up, to make ourselves feel better or to distract ourselves from whatever is going on in our lives. But there’s a very definite line between being an occasional emotional shopper & spending so much that it actually scares you — & most of us know which side of that line we’re on.

Let me explain something. Banks are not your friend. I know, they’re all smiley & big teeth & “Here, have a Visa with a $5000 limit!”, & “You’re a trusted customer, how would you like to push that limit to $10,000?”, & “Sign up for this card & spend your way to oblivion with no interest for 24 months!” — but they are not doing this for your benefit. They are doing it for THEIRS. They don’t like you! They like their profit margins! They COUNT on people like you to spend way, way, way beyond their means, so they can jack up the fees & make an absolute killing off your chosen form of therapy/self-destruction. The system is set up so that THEY WIN. Never forget that.

Another thing. Your boyfriend needs to stop bailing you out. I don’t mean to get all Dr Phil on you, but honestly, even though he thinks he is being helpful, kind & sweet, what he’s actually doing is enabling your behaviour. You continue to spend carte blanche because you know, in the back of your mind, that he is always going to be there to look after you. It’s a nice thought. Comforting. I don’t blame you, to be honest.

But what would happen if you broke up? The credit card company might decide they want the full balance of your credit card back. Immediately. As in, now. If you can’t pay it, they could sue you to get the money, or give your details to a debt collection company who will hound you day & night, at work & at home, or re-possess your stuff. Not to mention having a bad credit record makes it almost impossible to do anything like open accounts with cellphone companies, etc.

The temporary thrill you get from shopping is not worth the fiscal hell you are heading towards. Honestly. & I say this as someone who understands — very well! — the bliss of a new purchase.

Even if you never break up — even if you’re together forever & ever — do you really want to be beholden to him like that? Do you want him to always take responsibility for you? It might sound appealing at first, but it plays hell on your self esteem. How can you feel good about yourself when you’re not really holding the reins?

Really though, as with most problems people have, this whole thing stems from your emotions. If I were you, I’d look a little more closely at my life to try & understand why you have this compulsive need to shop. I’d agree that you have a problem, because your behaviour is starting to negatively affect your life, & yet you still continue to do it. So, ask yourself some questions. What are you so unhappy about that you’re so desperate to distract yourself from? What’s the void you’re trying to fill with stuff, & where did it come from?

Since 2005, New York therapist April Lane Benson, author of the book “I Shop, Therefore I Am,” has had participants in her group psychotherapy sessions keep journals and shopping lists that track their moods, their impulses and their household needs. When contemplating a purchase, Benson’s patients are asked to record their answers to questions such as “Why am I here?,” “How do I feel?,” “Do I need this?,” “What if I wait?,” “How will I pay for it?” and “Where will I put it?” (Buying Trouble: When Shopping Becomes A Compulsion)

There are a lot of practical tips I can give you, like cut up your credit cards; get a part-time job & start paying the damn thing off; freeze your credit card in a glass of water so you can’t use it; set it on fire & dance around it naked; only allow yourself to pay for things in cash; give yourself an allowance of £10 a day (& if you can’t be trusted with it, have your boyfriend physically hand it to you every morning); when you feel out of control & like you want to shop, exercise instead; start seeing a counsellor; tell someone about your problem & call them when you feel the need to buy a huge ugly poncho, etc. But none of that is going to help you as long as you’re driven by this huge emotional vacuum.

Don’t underestimate the power of how you feel. As long as you still feel empty or lost or confused or whatever it is that makes you want to shopshopshop, that urge to spend will always have you in its stranglehold.

Your unhappiness could come from all sorts of places. Having a sucky job is a likely candidate, as is feeling bored or disinterested at university, dissatisfaction with a major relationship, feeling lonely or like you don’t really know where you’re heading in life. Take a good, hard look at what’s really going on. Don’t play it off or pretend like it doesn’t really matter or ignore your pain. Face facts, make a list, & then start thinking up solutions. If you’re really stumped, you can ask your friends if they have any ideas, too. There is a way to fix every problem, you might just have to think differently.

Then, like with anything else that has the potential to improve your life, you have to take action. You have to decide that yes, you’re good enough, & important enough, & fabulous enough that your life should be great, & happier than it is now. You are worth taking a scary risk for. You are worth the effort. & if you don’t take those first, terrifying, stumbling steps, no one else is going to do it for you.

So take action.

Extra For Experts:
How Can I Manage Compulsive Shopping & Spending Addiction?
Shop ‘Til You Drop: Battling Compulsive Shopping

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Expiration Dating

[ 1 October 2008, 07:54 ]

“I’ve recently met a German foreign exchange student, and we really connect. I like him, but I’m afraid of getting involved since he’s going back to Germany in June, which means I’ll probably never see him again. Help?”

I think a lot of us get locked up in that concept that if we experience true love, it will last forever, which isn’t necessarily true. We also often feel that the way our life has been up until this point is the way it will always be — which isn’t necessarily true either.

So, what could happen if you did get involved? You might be wildly incompatible. But you might fall in love. He could drive you crazy, but he could also open your mind to a whole new way of living that you’d never even considered before. He might ignite within you a love of German culture, which then leads your life in an entirely different direction. Through him you might discover the most inspiring, ideal mentor. He might teach you what real, unconditional love is all about. You could be so perfect together that you end up getting married one day. You could go to Germany on an exchange yourself — you might even end up living there. It’s possible that you could learn more from loving him for a short time than you would if there was no expiry date. The relationship could change you in fabulous, untold ways.

One of the great things about relationships is that they present us with a fabulous opportunity to grow beyond ourselves, often in a way that wouldn’t be triggered if we were just coasting along alone. By connecting honestly with a person, & getting to know them, their circumstances, family & friends, we can learn so much about the world — & consequently, about who we are & who we want to be. It’s one of the best catalysts for change that I know.

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason, & we can learn something from all of them if we’re open to it. What is your fine German friend here to teach you? Only time will tell.

What I’m really saying is that when it comes to love, no matter how scary it may seem, it’s always worth taking the risk. Avoid a future of “What if?”. Take the risk & see if you can…

How about you? Do you think a relationship’s only worth it if you can see a definite future, or do you just allow yourself to fall in love without thinking of likely consequences? Have you ever taken a gamble on love that turned out to be one of the most positive experiences of your life? What would you do in this situation?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Letting Go Of The Past & Getting Back Together

[ 24 September 2008, 16:02 ]

“I’m the the middle of a complicated, possibly-getting-back-with-my-ex situation. One of our biggest problems we had in our first relationship was my issue with not being able to let go of the past, and live in the now. I’m always wondering about my other ex’s, and other ways my life could have turned out. I can’t seem to let go of people, places or things. I know the only way he and I will be able to be in a healthy relationship again is if I get over all the “what if’s”, any advice?

Also, what is your stand on getting back together with ex’s?”

The most obvious thing to me is that your email is all about repeating patterns. You were with a guy, but while you were with him, you thought about your ex-boyfriends. Now that he is part of the ex-boyfriends club, you’re thinking about him! Clearly this constant looking back you do has permeated your life in a fairly significant way.

Obsessing over the past has a lot to do with a fear of what the future might hold, & a fear of change. Moving forward can be scary, after all, because you never know what might happen. Unfortunately though, it doesn’t matter how afraid you are — time keeps slipping by, nudging us further & further into the future, whether we like it or not.

There could be any number of reasons why you keep looking back. Maybe you’re afraid of committing to someone or of being hurt, perhaps you feel like you’re not a complete person without having someone by your side, maybe you don’t want to be alone, or perhaps it’s convenient for you to reshape your past history (a story about the past is never completely objective — it can be easy for you to contort it into a situation where you are the victim or not at fault). Only you will really know the reasons why you do it, though it might take some time for you to work it out. The good news is that once you know, it will be like a big shiny key that you can use to undo the habit.

Don’t make it easy for you to slip back into your memories. This means put away (or get rid of) all old photos, love letters & mementos. It also means stop stalking their blog as well as their Myspace, Facebook, Twitter & Flickr accounts! Archive their emails & delete their number from your phone. This can be hard to do, because you feel like you’re severing a connection that might otherwise be fruitful or a source of happiness, but honestly, as long as all those strings & wires remain, you are only hurting yourself, & preventing yourself from moving on with your life.

Some people find it easier to break habits or patterns if they use a kind of ritual. One thing that can be effective is journalling or writing down your thoughts & feelings about your past love life, & then either burning or burying the piece of paper, & making a conscious decision as you do so to let all of that stuff go. Similarly, some people will jot down notes about the things they have difficulty letting go of, then put them in an empty container & bury it somewhere. Though it seems simple, the symbolism behind the act is what makes it so powerful.

You may discover that you have to be hyper vigilant to stop yourself from retreating into your memories. This could mean that whenever you find yourself reminiscing, you practise falling still or use EFT to change your thought patterns. Regardless of the method, you’re going to need to behave proactively — in other words, you’re going to need to want to change it.

As for getting back together with ex-lovers, there is no one blanket solution that works for everyone, but couples tend to break up for a reason — a reason that was significant enough that the relationship didn’t seem worth persevering with. It can be really easy to feel tempted to go back to someone else, especially if you’re feeling lonely or a bit lost in general, but it’s important to maintain perspective & not idealise the relationship you had. Obviously you (or they) left for a reason, so keep that in mind. Write yourself a list of all their terrible qualities & put it in a prominent place if it will help you quash the urge to call them!

If it’s been a really long time & you’re still thinking about them & wanting to get back together with them, consider the circumstances of the break-up & then devote serious time to thinking about how you could both remedy whatever went wrong. If you get back together without doing this, odds are extremely good that the relationship will dissolve soon after due to the problems you had the first time around. This is otherwise known as a huge waste of time & the build-up to a big “duh!” moment! Someone who didn’t communicate isn’t going to suddenly start unless something significant changes, mismatched libidos are pretty much always going to be a problem, & if your ex didn’t respect you before, why would he start now?

You can certainly make enormous strides with couples counselling, EFT or any number of other solutions, but obviously, both people need to be seriously invested in working together to make change, & it can take time, so you need to be sure.

Having said all this, it’s pretty standard to have an ex (or a past relationship) which you use as a yardstick in future relationships. Some people make a major impact on you which never really leaves you. So that’s normal — but not necessarily the sort of thing you should tell your future lovers about!

The main thing to remember is that you should do what genuinely makes you happy. Don’t just react to your life’s circumstances, actually go out there & actively seek out things which really work for you. If you suspect — even a little bit! — that you want to get back together with an ex just because you’re lonely or crave familiarity, do yourself a favour & remove yourself from the situation! That’s not fair on them & hardly a recipe for your own happiness.

Being single might be the absolute best thing for you right now. If the idea of that frightens you, that’s even more reason to embrace it with gusto. Fingers crossed that it gives you the strength & desire to move forward & be excited about your future!

Extra For Experts:
Exercises for letting go of the past. “I do not trust life to lead me, and so I order my life based on my own perspectives of what the past was, and what the future should be.” Awesome.
Letting Go Of Your Past: How To Deal With Your Mistakes & Move On from suite101.com.
The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle — otherwise known as the ultimate book about being in the present.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Want To Be... A Tattoo Artist!

[ 17 August 2008, 17:44 ]

I recently received an email from a girl called Stina, saying that she would love to read more job guides on iCiNG! I’ve written about how to be a writer, how to be a blogger & how to get a job at Lush, but really, that’s about as much personal experience as I have. As Stina explained her idea, though, I realised that I know heaps of people with awesome jobs — people who love what they do, have talent & passion to burn, & are trail-blazing in their industry. So I started asking them for interviews. Here’s the first one, & it’s an interview with a friend of mine who has one of the coolest jobs I know of — Tim Kern, tattoo artist!

Let me know what you think of the series concept & if you have any requests (or if you have a fabulous career & want to volunteer yourself!), I’d love to hear from you!

Tim Kern is a tattoo artist working out of Tribulation Tattoo in New York City. He’s been tattooing for 13 years, & is an avid world traveller — his work regularly takes him from the East Coast to Japan & Europe. Along the way he’s picked up a bunch of awards, as well as working as a tattoo designer on a Charlie Kaufman movie & CSI: NY. He also happens to be completely awesome!

If you have any questions for Tim, leave them here & I’ll see what I can do about getting him to answer them!

Tell us about what you do.
I do tattoos mostly… I try to find time to paint and do other artwork, but it’s hard. Tattooing takes up a lot of my time and thought processes.

How long ago did you start on this path?
Which path? The left hand one? ;) I started tattooing when you were 12 years old… haha. Strange to think, but it’s true. (That’s 1995, by the way.)

How long were you doing it before you made it into your career or primary form of income?
I was apprenticing for about a year before I was allowed to tattoo anyone for money, so I kept my other job for a while. I was running a day center for homeless people, and doing graphic design occasionally. Once I was able to make money, it became my only job. I never looked back.

Did anything significant happen to get you to that point, or was it a series of small steps?
I think that you are constantly learning in life, so everything is a series of small steps. Occasionally broken up by great leaps of inspiration. I was tattooing for about 4 years before I stopped getting nervous at the beginning of every tattoo. At the beginning, you are just trying to do everything right. After a while, you can really start to express yourself with tattooing, but you have to be comfortable with the tools and techniques first.

Do you think official qualifications are important for someone entering your industry?
I think that an apprenticeship from a qualified tattoo artist is the best way to learn. I don’t still do everything the same way I was taught, but I think the experience was invaluable. There’s an awful lot of people who just buy a kit and start fucking people up, with no concept of cleanliness or preventing cross-contamination — that’s why health department regulation is important. Some cities/states go a bit overboard, but it’s definitely better to have regulations, than not. Keeps the scratchers at bay, to a degree at least.

What do you think is the best thing about working for yourself?
I love the fact that I don’t really have to answer to someone else. I know that seems obvious, but it really is a relief to not have to do something you think is stupid, just because the boss wants you to do it. I also can travel as much as I like, which is amazing. I love being able to see other countries. It really lets you know how diverse and amazing this world really is.

What’s the worst thing?
Probably the worst thing is that I have a hard time saying “no” to people. I need someone to tell people when I don’t have time for them. As a result, I end up working too much, and barely ever take days off. I need to be better about that.

Rate how happy you are with what you do out of 100 (100 being the best, 0 being devastatingly awful) on an average day.
I give myself an 86. I’m not always completely happy with what I do, but I’m doing my best to make it better all the time. I try to make what I’m doing the best tattoo I’ve done. If we don’t keep trying to improve ourselves and our work, what’s the point of doing it?

Would you call yourself a workaholic, & if so, are you alright with that? Do you think that’s normal for your industry?
I would probably describe myself as a workaholic. I think if you want to be good at anything, you run the risk of it being your whole life. Tattooing is definitely that way. I love tattooing, and most of my life revolves around it in some way. When I’m not actively tattooing, I’m often drawing for tattoos, or answering questions about tattoos. It’s an all-consuming thing…

What would your number one suggestion be for someone who wants to do what you do?
I would say to make sure you are doing it for the right reasons… not because you saw it on TV and thought it was cool, or because you think you can make tons of cash. Do it because you love tattoos, and you think you can actually contribute something. There are enough hack tattooers out there, fucking people up.

...How about number two?
I would say to work on your artwork. If you are serious about getting into the tattoo industry, you need to show a potential teacher that you are worth his time and trouble. He or she is much more likely to take you on as an apprentice, if you will be an asset to the community.

What do you wish you had known when you first started out?
I think it’s a constant learning process, so there’s a lot I still want to know. I would like to learn more about building and tuning machines. Technical stuff. I know a little now, but you can always know more… I am never satisfied…

Are there any major misconceptions about your job or industry?
I think there are lots of misconceptions, mostly due to the popularity of tattoo “reality” shows. You wouldn’t believe how many people think you can get an entire sleeve done in one day, because of how those shows are edited… I don’t really have anything against the shows, per se, since I have friends on one, but it does give people a rather unrealistic view of what can be accomplished in a sitting.

What motivates you to keep doing what you’re doing?
Pure stupidity, probably. Hahaha I don’t know… I love tattoos. I love having them, and I feel honored that people want to have my artwork on their body permanently. It’s kinda a scary idea, if I think about it too much… I am altering people for the rest of their lives. It’s quite a lot of responsibility. I’ve also made a lot of really great friends through tattooing, and I wouldn’t trade them for the highest paying job in the world.

Who do you look up to within your industry & why?
I admire a lot of the people who first influenced me when I was learning… and the ones that opened my eyes to new things since I started. Guy Aitchison, Marcus Pacheco, Paul Booth, Robert Hernandez... they first showed me that you can do something new and different with tattoos. That they could be art… I also really admire the work of Filip Leu, Shige, Xed LeHed, Nikko, Boris, Victor Portugal... just to name a few. There are so many astounding artists, it seems unfair that I have to leave anyone out… I’m sure there’s tons of amazing artists I haven’t even seen yet. I can’t wait till I do…

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Oh My God, I Think I'm Ready To Date Again...

[ 12 August 2008, 00:21 ]

This morning, I received the following email…

“I’ve recently come out of a six year relationship. I fell out of love with my partner & things just fizzled. I feel like I’m almost ready to start dating again. However, my partner was the only man I’d ever slept with & before him, I’d never really had a serious boyfriend. I know things will be different & I’m excited about the prospect of meeting someone new, of flirting, of great first dates & even bad ones! But I’m also petrified. Getting back out there is going to be tough so I was wondering if you had any advice on getting back on the horse…”

Congratulations on deciding to “get back on the horse”! My sweet, you are in for an exciting time. Frustrating, challenging, perplexing? Well, of course, it can be that, too! But mostly, it’s exciting, fun & interesting — so get ready!

How do you know you’re actually ready to start seeing other people? Sometimes we think we are, but we’re wrong (or just delusional). Here are a few signs you might not be ready to take the plunge just yet.

You’re still involved in your ex’s life
Let’s face it, you’re not going to be able to really move forward & commit yourself to someone else if you’re still attached to your ex — especially if you think there’s a chance you might still get back together. If you’re still having lunches, calling, emailing, reading all their online output & hanging on to their belongings, you need to let that stuff go.

You’re still bitter
If you’re still going around telling everyone what a terrible boyfriend/father/artist/lay your ex was, then you need some time to chill the hell out before you get involved with someone else. Firstly, any prospective lovers will smell that stuff a mile away, & RUN! Secondly, if you’re still encumbered with that kind of baggage, you are obviously not ready to move on. You’ll just bring it with you to your next relationship, effectively poisoning it. Not cool, & not fair to your new lover victim!

You refuse to accept responsibility for the break-up
What is it they say? That “it takes two to tango”? Amen, baby. Your ex may have been a hideous wildebeest, but even if they were, that doesn’t mean the relationship was doomed. Why, some people love hideous wildebeests! While it’s not usually a 50/50 blame split, it shows maturity to be able to say that for your part, you could have done this or that, communicated your needs more clearly or been more tolerant.

Your mind is all messed up
Before you start searching for a new beau or belle, I think it’s important to take stock of your old relationships. This doesn’t mean obsess or fixate, but just run them through your mind & see if you can uncover any negative patterns. Maybe you always date guys with a substance abuse problem, girls who are cold to you or transsexuals who always steal your mascara (hey, it could happen!). I believe that knowledge is power, so if you are aware of your own patterns, you can start to break them. (My suggestions for breaking them would be EFT & therapy.) Otherwise, you’re pretty much trapped by your own subconscious, which is no fun for anyone!

You want a new relationship for the wrong reasons
...Including getting revenge on your ex, shutting up your parents or friends who keep asking if you’ve “met anyone nice yet”, you’re depressed & just want to be loved, or you’re looking for a distraction.

(Here are some more questions to check how you feel about your last relationship.)

Okay, so assuming that you can strike all those unfortunate situations from your list, it’s time to dive back into the dating pool! Come on in, the water’s fine…

Work out what you want
You don’t have to write a blueprint for the perfect man, & in fact, the less rigid you make your wishlist, the better — & the easier it is to fulfil. But you do need to have some kind of handle on what you’re looking for. Do you want a friend to kiss? A mother for your children? Someone to go to dinner with? A warm person in your bed? If you don’t know the answer, it’s likely that you’ll just spin in circles, attracting the wrong kind of people & confusing everyone you come in contact with.

Instead of writing the recipe for the perfect man (“6 foot 2, big blue eyes, owns his own business, no parents, private jet, a PhD from Oxford, no emotional baggage & a Maserati”), you might like to write down some important attributes of a desirable lover. These could be things like a sense of humour, an active lifestyle, being self-motivated, respectful, etc. Rank them in order of most to least important, & then keep it around. Look at it every so often. It’ll keep you on track!

What about deal-breakers? Is there anything that you absolutely will not tolerate, like meat-eating, bad spelling, an active dislike of cats or picking their toenails in bed?! If there is, you need to be aware of it so that if it’s something you encounter, you can avoid it or go the other way! Trust me, it will make your life easier, & much more relaxing!

Cast a wide net
The key to finding yourself someone smoochable is the same as the key to finding friends — you have to leave your house & meet people! Sorry, it’s unavoidable! Even if you first start talking online, there comes a time where you have to close your laptop & get face to face. So stop stalling, get out there & be charming!

Where have I met my lovers? All over the place, but mostly they are introduced to me by mutual friends. It makes sense to get involved with the people who are friends with your friends — you already have something in common & you’re probably like-minded. If you’re newly single, it’s possible that you haven’t been going out with your other single friends as much recently. That’s good news though, because it probably means they have a whole new social circle you haven’t been introduced to yet!

Other than flicking through your friend’s friends, you can also try online dating (OK Cupid is a goodie), speed dating (how efficient!), blind dating, the casual encounters section of Craigslist, joining a group or club, taking a class, walking your dog in busy places, picking up girls in the supermarket, spending lots of time in cafés looking mysterious, flirting with your workmates (caution: only for the experienced!), placing a personals ad in the newspaper, trawling Flickr for good-lookin’ folks, going out dancing, making new friends at gigs & shows, taking up a new sport or just smiling at everyone you see!

Stay open-minded
First impressions are lasting, but don’t vote someone off the island if they don’t live up to your impeccable standards in the first five minutes. You’re not perfect, & they don’t have to be either. If you meet someone who is amazing but not very stylish, or who is very kind but not a genius, relax! Just because all your other lovers were stylish rocket scientists, this new person doesn’t have to be. & didn’t your other relationships end for a reason, anyway? Maybe something completely different is what you need!

My point is, try new things. Go out with someone with tattoos, start seeing an accountant, or seek out someone who is unusual in some other way. Try someone from another country or religion. Stop dating models & start dating mechanics. You never know! People are usually pretty delightful if you’ll just give them the opportunity to show it!

Look for friends first
Similar to the way new lovers will be able to sniff your bitter underbelly if you’re not over your break-up, people can smell desperation too — & it’s very unattractive. People don’t want to get involved with the needy, it’s just a drag, & then of course it begs the question, “Are you with me because you like me or just because you can’t bear to be alone?”. If you go out with the intention of making friends, that way you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you end up getting involved with one of them — rather than constantly searching in vain for the perfect lover. (You can never have too many friends, anyway!)

Get comfortable with yourself
One of the things I’ve noticed is that new love interests tend to come along when you’re not actually looking for it. You’re happy & living your life, feeling busy & fulfilled, when all of a sudden, you’re blind-sided by some gorgeous creature & everything changes. Of course, this kind of information is no good to anyone who is desperate to find someone to fall in love with, but my advice would be to pare back the desperation a bit! Get comfortable with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. Don’t let it freak you out — let me tell you a secret. Ultimately, you are all you have. Forever & ever, amen. So you better learn to love yourself, or it’s going to be a rocky road!

So you’ve found someone who cranks your handle (ooh la la!) — now what?

Don’t play games
Anyone who is worth their salt doesn’t — & will be put off if you do. It’s lame & manipulative & disingenuous. That means, if you say you’ll call someone, then do it! Don’t wait the prescribed three days or think that if you actually do what you say you’ll do, that it means you’re desperate. Would you really want to be involved with someone who was only interested in you if you played “hard to get”, anyway? What would that say about their own personal psychology? Think about it, toots!

Be proactive
Even today, lots of girls sit around waiting for a guy to make the first move. That’s ridiculous. You are just as capable of grabbing someone & dragging them to a dark corner for a smooch as they are! So stop waiting around for that saucy man to drop a hint, & drop some of your own!

Go Dutch
As awesome as it is when someone offers to buy you dinner or pay for you to go to a movie, after all you can start to feel a sense of obligation… & do you really want to feel like you should sleep with someone just because they bought you a meal? You can avoid all this awkwardness by offering to pay your own way. If they’re being all chivalrous & “No no no, allow me!” as they plonk down their platinum Visa card, throw some bills on top. Most people are pretty happy to accept money from others, but they feel like they shouldn’t because it’s not the done thing — or whatever. Side-step that nonsense & buy your own meal. If nothing else, it proves that you’re independent & awesome & not looking for someone to prop you up financially! (All the women who’re independent, throw your hands up at meeee! ...You’re so Beyonce right now.) Later on, you can buy one another meals & whatnot, but at the beginning, going Dutch is easiest.

Communicate honestly
You’ve heard it a gazillion times, but it’s still true & it’s still important — & when I say communicate, I don’t just mean the words which fall from your mouth. Your behaviour has to be in accordance with what you say, or you’ll be the Monarch of Mixed Messages & no one wants to visit that kingdom. You need to tell the truth & not only that, you need to open up & tell them things they don’t ask to hear. Like, for example, what your expectations for the relationship are. Is this just a casual thing or something more? If you say it’s casual but then act like it isn’t, what are they going to think? Who knows?! Be straight up. If the relationship doesn’t seem to be working, say something! If you want more orgasms, talk about it! If you think you’re falling in love, spill the beans! Don’t let your fear of being vulnerable hold you back from something real.

Be interested in them
Don’t make it all about you, because if you do, they’ll get bored. Relationships require a bit of give & take, & it’s important to remember that the vast majority of people operate from the position of “What’s in it for me?”. If there’s nothing in it for them, other than grief & paying for your expensive tastes, they’ll walk. If you don’t want that to happen, try to make it worth their time to be there! Most people just want to be appreciated, so if you have to feign an interest in their model cars or collection of belly-button lint, then do so! Let them talk. Smile sweetly. They’ll love you for it.

Dating can be strange & rife with dysfunctional personalities, bad table manners & terrifying anecdotes… but nothing compares to the sweetness of a first kiss or the glee of holding hands with someone who makes you smile.

Good luck!

Extra For Experts:
How To Ask A Girl Out & Stop Hanging Out from The Art Of Manliness. (Yes, really!)
Coming soon… First date etiquette! Watch this space!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Be More Assertive

[ 15 July 2008, 08:33 ]

“I was hoping you could write an article on how to be assertive. I am neither shy nor aggressive, but I have such a hard time standing up to people I feel inferior to. For example, my landlord is being just dreadful to my house-mates and I, and is trying to make us pay for things we did not damage! I want to stand up to him but it’s difficult, I’ve always been taught to be respectful to those older then me. How do I muster up the courage to be assertive in this, and any situation?”

It’s so funny how the things we’re taught at a young age, which were well-intended, can end up sabotaging us later in life. Of course, being respectful to everyone, fast food workers & emperors alike — not just people who were born earlier than we were — is important. But it’s important that we are respectful of ourselves, too. That means standing up for yourself, putting your foot down sometimes, & clearly communicating your wants, needs or concerns to other people.

A lot of us find it difficult to do that. We don’t want to put other people out. We don’t want to be difficult or annoying or to be a bother. But the flip side of that is that by neglecting our own needs, we are making a very clear statement: that we don’t think we’re very important. Doing this is like wearing a sign around your neck that says “Kick Me”. It’s totally self-defeating, & you don’t need that!

So how can you present yourself in a more assertive manner? It’s not as tricky as you might think — you just need to make some subtle changes to the way you do things. Here are a few hints to get you started!

Avoid posing statements as questions
I think this is one of the major ways in which we give away our power, & often we don’t even notice! Many of us turn what would otherwise be a simple statement into a question just by letting our voice rise up at the end of the sentence. This is known technically as a high-rising terminal (or HRT) in linguistics, & informally as the “Australian Question Intonation” (thanks, Stephen Fry!). While there is some debate as to how to decode this manner of speaking, mostly people perceive it as coming from a place of uncertainty & nervousness. It’s something people’s voices do when they are unsure of themselves & seeking approval. Conversely, a falling intonation — where the pitch of your voice drops towards the end of the sentence — is much more assertive.

All you need to do is become more aware of your speech patterns. Actually listen to what you’re saying when you speak to other people, & you’ll get the picture quickly! Don’t feel bad if you realise that you rock the HRT with gay abandon! You just need to make an effort to keep your pitch level, or to drop it when it’s more appropriate.

Don’t apologise unless you’re actually sorry!
It seems like such a little thing, but the words we choose say much more about us than we might first think. How often do you say “sorry” when you don’t actually mean it? Do you say “sorry” when you really mean “excuse me” or “no”? If so, start saying what you actually mean! Saying sorry is essentially a way of accepting blame for something — it sets you up to be submissive. Not cool!

Another time where people apologise when they don’t need to is when they disagree with someone. If someone says something that you think is rubbish, & you say, “I’m sorry, but I disagree, because _____”, you are effectively apologising for having independent thought. You may feel like you’re just being polite, but you’re not. You’re talking yourself down, & you don’t need to do that. Ever.

This point goes for when you turn someone or something down, too. You are entitled to making your own choices, & you don’t have to apologise for them! Don’t apologise unnecessarily! If whoever you’re talking to takes issue with your decision, that’s okay! They’re allowed! Let them stew in their own juices! Not your problem!

Let your statements stand on their own
You don’t need approval from other people to say what you feel or believe, so drop the addendums which infer that you do! That means nixing all those little things you tack on to the end of sentences. Some choice examples include, “...Don’t you think?”, “...Do you know what I mean?”, & “...Eh?”

Disavow disclaimers!
You’re not a packet of pills, so quit making disclaimers! They promptly discredit everything you’re about to say, even before you say it! You might as well not say anything! This means that if you normally preface your statements with phrases like, “Well, it’s just my opinion, but…”, you need to nip it in the bud. I mean it!

Don’t allow people to interrupt you
Most people who interrupt others aren’t trying to be rude, they’re just enthusiastically trying to get their point across. It’s pretty cute, when you think about it. Having said that, it’s still annoying & after a while, you’ll start to feel as if your point of view isn’t important to them at all. When you get to that point, you begin to wonder whether it is worth having a conversation with them at all. They seem pretty happy with their monologue…

Of course, the solution lies within you. We can’t change other people, we can only change ourselves — so that means you need to take responsibility for getting your point across. If they start to gab over the top of you, say, “I’m not finished”, or if that sounds too brusque, try, “Whoah there Nelly!”. If they still use their tongue to trample all over you, you might find more peace of mind with your headphones on.

Watch your body language
You’ve already heard it a gazillion times before, so I won’t labour the point too much, but your body language is supremely important in presenting yourself assertively. People look at you, the way you stand, the way you walk & the way you sit, & draw conclusions about you. Do you hunch over or do you sit up straight? Do you shuffle along with your eyes on the pavement or do you strut like you own the sidewalk? The images projected by the above behaviour are so obvious I don’t even need to tell you which one belongs to the confident person!

As well as the usual things like sitting up straight & walking with purpose, there are a few other things you can do to help promote your new image. Sometimes when we feel awkward we find ourselves smiling a lot. Smiling is wonderful, of course, but only when it’s genuine! Excessive smiling is often something we do unconsciously to help whoever we are with feel more at ease or in control. The same goes for nodding, tilting your head or looking away when someone makes eye contact with you. It’s one thing to be empathic, but it’s another to yield to someone else. When do you these things a lot, you are placing yourself in a position of lesser power.

You might like to try giving each one of these behaviours the flick one at a time, though I think you’ll find that as you practice the other suggestions in this article, your body language will fall in step with your new assertive mode of operation pretty quickly!

Come up with a script
Conflict can be tough, especially if it’s something you go out of your way to avoid. Most people are relatively non-confrontational, but when you start to shy away from conflict at the cost of your own satisfaction, you know you’re taking it too far.

If conflict is unfamiliar to you, & you feel really weird about saying what you want, there is a very simple formula you can use to get your point across. You might feel a bit strange & robotic & uncomfortable talking like this at first, but after a bit of practice you’ll get better & it will start to come to you more naturally. The script goes like this.

“When you (behaviour), I feel (emotion), & (desired resolution).”

So to translate that into real life, it might go something along the lines of…

“When you leave your underpants on the floor, I feel aggravated, & I’d like you to start putting them in the laundry basket.”

Not so hard! (Hopefully underpants on the floor is not a problem you have. It’s an unfortunate one!)

The reason we say, “I feel” is because that means that we are taking responsibility for our emotions, rather than blaming someone else. While it would be easy to fly off the handle & start calling names, it’s not a good way to resolve a problem. No one responds well to having their flaws rattled off in a long list, so don’t go there! Stating your desired outcome is an important part of the script, too, because otherwise, what is the other person supposed to do about it? Without this step, it would be very easy to just go around in circles & never get anywhere.

Persevere
One thing you may notice when you start acting more assertively is that people who have previously banked on you being passive might not like it. As a general rule, people like their lives to stay pretty much the same, & if all of a sudden you start asking for what you want & not taking any guff, that can be a bit of a shock to the system. If you find yourself getting negative feedback from people about your new way of behaving, do your best to recognise that it is their problem, not yours. You may find you need to cut them out of your life altogether. This can be hard, but it’s always worth it.

On being assertive: “I have the right to state my own needs & to set my own priorities as a person, independent of any roles that I may assume in my life. I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable & equal human being. I have the right to express my feelings. I have the right to express my opinions & values. I have the right to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ for myself. I have the right to make mistakes. I have the right to change my mind. I have the right to say that I don’t understand. I have the right to ask for what I want. I have the right to decline responsibility for other people’s problems. I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for approval. Other people have the right to all of the above.” (From here.)

Extra For Experts:
Five Compelling Reasons To Become More Assertive at The Positivity Blog has a good little quiz you can take to check how passive, assertive or aggressive your behaviour is.
Take a free online assertion class!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Give The Best Compliment Ever

[ 1 July 2008, 11:56 ]

“I keep finding myself in positions where I’d really like to compliment someone but am afraid of coming across as creepy, sycophantic, patronising, and/or a thousand other awful things, and it’s annoying me. What do you think are the rules, if any, of giving compliments? What sort of things do you love to hear from others, and what sort make you cringe? (Advice on how to graciously receive compliments would be very much appreciated as well.)”

First of all, kudos for your urge to praise others! I think that says very good things about you.

Let’s face it, everyone loves a compliment. Even if we are shy, insecure or suspicious of someone’s motives, it still works. It makes us smile. We feel good about ourselves. It’s a lovely thing.

Giving a compliment is simple in theory: you just open your mouth & say something positive! But sometimes we second-guess ourselves, worry about what other people will think, doubt our own authenticity & get into a panic. It’s no fun to get into a flap over something which is so charming, harmless & sweet!

Here are a few tips to get you on your way!

Be sincere
The number one thing that will trip up your attempts at giving a compliment is lack of sincerity! But really, think about it. Why would you say something unless you meant it, anyway? Sincerity is a fine thing, & people will respect you for it.

I used to go to school with a girl who would flash you a big smile & then as soon as your back was turned, she would flick her smile off. It was all for show. It made me dislike & distrust her. It’s all about being sincere. Giving faux-compliments, like the fake smile, is a social fumble of the highest order. People will know! Don’t think they won’t! If you want to be seen as a genuine person — & most of us do — you need to be real!

What does this really mean? It means don’t lie. It means don’t just say something because you think your friend wants to hear it. & don’t give a compliment if underneath it all you have an ulterior motive! Telling every girl in the room that she’s “hot” just because you don’t want to go home alone isn’t kosher.

Your compliment will go over best if people feel like you’re just saying it because it’s true, & that it’s coming from a place of honesty, truth & love. It’s always better to give fewer, more sincere compliments than to spread them thick like peanut butter & without integrity.

Think about what you’re saying
When it comes to giving a compliment, think back on the compliments you have received which actually meant something to you. Often, as women, these comments come from the opposite sex (for whatever reason). So cast your mind back. What has more of an impact — “You’re hot” or “You have beautiful eyes”? How about “You look nice” versus “You have legs for miles”?

Of course, any kind of compliment is wonderful to receive. But if you really want someone to remember it (& you) fondly, it’s best to put a little bit of thought into it. In the above examples, my vote goes to the two latter compliments. Why? Well, because whoever said it actually thought about it. It’s not just a platitude — they gave it some consideration before they said it.

But this cuts both ways. Let’s say you’ve just met this cute girl whose best feature — in your opinion — is her adorable nose. What would you say to her? While your first impulse might just be to blurt out, “Nice schnozz!”, curb your enthusiasm! A seemingly random compliment with little to no context can be confusing & sometimes unintentionally offensive. What if said cute girl has a complex about her nose? She might think you’re being sarcastic or making fun of her, & that is not going to go over well at all! However, if you take a second, think about it, breathe, & then say, “Your nose is utterly kissable”, you’ll find her response is probably a lot more positive!

Make it mostly about them, but a little bit about you
What the hell does that mean? Does that mean giving a compliment quickly as an excuse to prattle on about yourself for an hour? No! It means talk about them, but give a bit of yourself away too. Make yourself vulnerable. Invite them in to your life.

An example? “You’re a good writer” is a standard compliment. It’s flattering, but not ground-shaking. “Your writing has changed my life” is totally different. The recipient of the comment will be shocked, thrilled, delighted — & they will want to know more. You can start having a real conversation where you both reveal things about yourselves, & isn’t that the ultimate goal? To allow the relationship to blossom & unfurl in a more deeply meaningful way?

Don’t be too obvious
If you met them, you might be tempted to compliment Pamela Anderson on her enhanced mammaries, praise Robin Williams for being so hilarious, or congratulate Donald Trump for his success. These things are obvious, so of course they would be the first things to pop into your head. But if you give it a moment, you’ll realise that these people have heard all that before. Pamela knows she is the bouncing babe from Baywatch. Robin is aware that he’s funny. & Donald is very cognizant that he is a wealthy man.

If you want to stand out or make any kind of impact on them, you need to say something else. Something different. Make it easy for them — what can they realistically say when you tell them something about themselves that they already know?

So do a bit of research. Give it some thought. A trivial amount of searching reveals the fact that Pamela Anderson is a tireless crusader for animal rights, while Robin Williams is obsessed (obsessed!) with video games & cycling. & you may not know it, but Donald Trump is strongly opposed to the war (&, uh, Rosie O’Donnell!). If you can engage someone in conversation on one of their passionate — but less obvious — causes, you have got it made.

The more you do it, the easier it becomes
As with anything, the more you do it, the less terrifying it becomes. Imagine one day being able to graciously compliment people on the fly! It could be you!

The thing is, it’s really not that difficult. It’s trivial to smile at someone & tell them you like their shoes, praise them for their choice of headwear or compliment them on how well-mannered their dog is. They will smile, you will feel good about yourself, & who knows? It could be the beginning of a marvellous relationship.

One of my most invigorating experiences in NYC so far was when I was sitting down in a raw food restaurant, eating. A girl sat near me & told me she loved my tattoos. We got talking, & it turns out she is a stylist & fashion editor for the likes of Vogue Russia & Harpers Bazaar. Since meeting in that restaurant, we have been to art parties in Brooklyn, cruised highways while talking about shoes & blown bubbles at passers-by in Times Square. It all started with a compliment, so don’t be afraid! It can take you to amazing places!

Realistically, most people, if complimented, will respond positively to you. The only reason why they wouldn’t would probably be if they were insecure, suspicious, bitter or had decided they didn’t like you! (What a pity for them!) If someone doesn’t accept a compliment from you, don’t sweat it. It’s their stuff — not yours!

Now, onto the much less complicated business of…

Take this quick & easy quiz to test your compliment-receiving skills!

Your friend says, “You have a lovely complexion.”
You reply…
A. “Oh, no I don’t, I hate my freckles…”
B. “Thank you!”

Your secret crush whispers, “You are a treasure in the shape of a girl.”
You respond…
A. “Haha, whatever! You must be blind.”
B. “Thanks!”

A fine-lookin’ stranger smiles before saying, “You are the most fabulously dressed person I have seen all week.”
You exclaim…
A. “Um… when’s the bus coming, again?”
B. “Thank you!”

You guessed it. Your answer should always be B. Even if you don’t believe them. Even if you don’t feel that it’s true. Even if you think they are delusional, mental, crazy! Just say THANK YOU. Who knows? One day, you might realise how amazing you really are…

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Loving A New City: Alone

[ 18 June 2008, 12:22 ]

I recently received two emails on very similar topics. Voilà!

“Since you’ve just made a temporary move, I was just wondering, how did you immediately feel so comfortable? It’s been over a month now and I still get so nervous adventuring by myself. Before the move to the city I had all these fantastic plans to take writing classes & yoga… and now that I’m here, it’s like, my body & mind won’t respond to my plans. I just want to know, when will I start feeling at home & how can I?”

“I was reading your blog last night and thinking how fabulous it was that you haven’t been in New York very long and you are by yourself, yet you aren’t letting that stop you from getting out and about and enjoying it. I once found myself in London by myself and was miserable and depressed because I didn’t know how to get out there and enjoy myself whilst being on my lonesome. Now I once again find myself in a new city all alone and am facing the same problem. How do you make friends and enjoy the culture and life of a city when you are all alone?”

I hear you! I know what it’s like to be in a city alone. It can suck. It’s fun for about a week, because everything is fresh & new — you can distract yourself by shopping, seeing the sights & getting lost, but by your second Monday, the gloss is starting to fade & you can find yourself at a bit of a loss.

A few years ago I went to Europe with my ex-boyfriend. We had a great time, but after a couple of weeks, he had to go back home for his job. I had quit my job to go overseas, so I wasn’t in any rush to go back to New Zealand, & my aunt who had an apartment in the middle of London said I could stay with her as long as I wanted to. So I stayed on while he went home, & after a few days of exploring Camden, going wild at Topshop & Miss Selfridge & eating ice-cream every day, it started to wear a bit thin. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I missed my boyfriend, I missed having my own space (I was camped out in the living room), I didn’t know anyone in town & I was just… bored. Idle. Adrift! I watched a lot of MTV, spent a bunch of time on the computer, & eventually decided to go home. It was the right thing to do, given how I felt, but I couldn’t help feeling as if, somehow, that wasn’t how it was meant to be.

Maybe it’s just London?! (Just kidding!)

I have changed a lot since then, & these days I would be much more inclined to push through the homesickness, difficult though it may be, & stay for as long as I wanted. I am also now more able to see opportunities for what they are, & my mindset is completely different. Rather than thinking, ‘Oh no, I’m having a terrible time here, maybe I should just go home’, these days I would probably think, ‘Eeesh, I’m having a rough day but it will be better tomorrow’.

I have been exceptionally fortunate on this trip to NYC, because as soon as I announced I was coming over, I started getting invitations to have lunch, go to dinner, have a shopping spree, camp on my friend’s girlfriend’s couch in Minnesota, etc.! A lot of this I attribute to the people I have met through this website. It’s quite common to strike up an online friendship with someone who you’ve linked to, or who emails you out of the blue.

Now, of course you don’t have to start a full-time blog to meet people, but most people who have been active in online communities for any length of time find that they strike up real friendships with the people they talk to. Then, if you travel, you can reach out to this bunch of people you already know, & see if they want to have coffee, or show you around their favourite museum, or go dancing. So perhaps the key is to get involved somewhere. Find a forum, start a Livejournal, sign up for Twitter, start publishing pictures of your life on Flickr. After all, it’s hard for people to be interested in you if they don’t know that you exist!

I really do think that when it comes to feeling alone in one place or another, it ultimately comes down to how much energy you’re putting out. Do you slink around feeling shy, hoping no one will talk to you, buried under a pair of headphones? Or do you strike up conversations with shop people, chat to women at the bus stop & flirt with the barista across the street from your hotel? While it can feel good to be a bit withdrawn & solitary in a new city — there’s almost nothing better than good music on your MP3 player when you’re walking exciting, unfamiliar streets — if that’s the way you behave all the time, it’s not unreasonable to assume that you’ll remain that way.

There is a girl called Sanna who runs The Vagabond Set. She is a photographer & the site revolves around her, living the party life, taking photos of good times. She travels to foreign cities, lives there for a few months, documents it & then flies somewhere else. It’s pretty interesting to watch. I was shocked while recently reading her blog where she said something like, “I didn’t go out tonight… for the first time in 7 years.” Incredible! Anyway, she did an interview a while ago where someone asked her how she knew so many people. I mean, how does a girl move to Japan & have an instant social circle? She said that the key was to strike up at least 5 conversations a week.

I have found, since being in NYC, that as soon as people hear my accent, they ask me whether I’m living here or on holiday. I am not really sure what to say, so I tend to say “A bit of both”, but here’s the thing. Most people want you to enjoy their city. They want you to like it, to have a good time, & many of them are happy to be a bit of an ambassador. So maybe something to try, next time you’re in a shop talking to a cool sales assistant, is to say that you’re new in town, & ask them what they’d recommend you do. Often they will tell you about a great bar, or invite you to a party, or say, “Well, my friend’s having this thing on Friday…” Then all that’s left to do is accept the invitation & actually go along!

Another thing to remember is that even though the first person you meet might not totally push your buttons, their best friend might turn out to be the most fascinating person you’ve met in years. Or their father’s friend might be able to offer you the job of a lifetime. Or you might just meet someone through them who also harbours a secret obsession for Buffy/My Little Pony fanfic. Do your best not to write people off straight away — give them a chance, allow them to surprise you!

Of course, the most important thing about feeling like you belong in a place is to do your very best to remain open to new experiences. Fabulous things happen to people who are open, alert & alive. If you receive a random invitation, don’t just say no because you’re socially anxious or unsure of yourself. It could be the beginning of an incredible fairytale.

Other than the social aspect of being in a new city, it can really, really help if you have a project of some description that you enjoy working on. It will keep you busy, give you a sense of purpose & help you feel like you’re not just wasting your time in some foreign city. I think that most of us, when we’re not occupied with work, our friends or loved ones, feel a bit aimless. We don’t really know what to do with ourselves, & a holiday alone really amplifies this. People like to be doing something, so find something to do!

For me at the moment, for example, whenever I’m not out in the city, I’m usually sitting cross-legged on my bed, writing articles or responding to emails. iCiNG keeps me very busy, regardless of where I am or what I’m doing — & of course, other than writing articles & emails, there is a lot of stuff that happens “behind the scenes” that you never hear about. So if you have something you love to do, like writing, drawing, programming or finding solutions to complex mathematical problems while you balance on your head, make sure you take the things you need to keep doing that!

Another thing that’s fabulous about being in a new city is the opportunity to find out who you really are. Being alone in an unfamiliar place is always a challenge, & spending so much time by yourself can really cause you to re-evaluate your life as it is. You start thinking about things. Why are you there? Would you like to live there? How could you make that happen? Are you satisfied with your job? How about your relationships? Do you dislike spending time alone, & if so, why? What could you do to resolve that?

Don’t shy away from these questions. Spending a bit of time thinking, writing, & thinking some more can be incredibly beneficial for you. It will help you sort things out in your head, give you a fresh sense of purpose & direction, as well as making you feel better about your lot in general.

Sometimes, if you’re feeling pressured, scared or nervous, it can help to view your life as a piece of art. Sometimes messy, sometimes awkward, & often unusual — but full of magic & genius all the same.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: advice, gala, how to, inspiration, life
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How To Wear Pink Cowboy Boots

[ 14 June 2008, 09:30 ]

“I recently bought a pair of bright pink cowboy boots (on complete impulse!) and haven’t worn them yet. I know they’re gonna be big and I’ve seen them start to creep onto the high street, so I want to look like I’m really ahead of the trends. But I have no ideas what to wear them with! Could you give me some help?”

The absolute best thing about a pair of hot pink cowboy boots is that it proves you have a sense of humour. I mean, how could you not? As soon as you put them on, it’s pretty much proof that you have a personality. A pair of pink cowboy boots are not for the shy. They are not shrinking violet territory. They are loud & fabulous & they shout, “HERE I AM!” While you could dress them down, I think this would do them an injustice. I think the best thing is to use them as a platform to step it up a notch.

Having a pair of coloured cowboy boots can be limiting, but that doesn’t mean you can’t rock them to glorious effect. I once owned a pair of duck-egg blue cowboy boots. I saw them in a shop window, fell in love & wore them to death. (Proof: 1, 2, 3.) Some people didn’t like them, but they made me obscenely happy, so I wore them & loved them until the very end. I still miss them!

A good pair of cowboy boots is a very versatile item. It doesn’t have to be all jeans & down-on-the-ranch-wear! I have had an amazing amount of use from the cowboy boots I own at the moment. They are black & brown, have taken a total beating (I wore them at Burning Man) & still beg for more! I’ve worn them with a bedshirt, shorts & red lipstick, a vintage nightgown & a faux-fur coat, a sundress & yellow bow belt & the same outfit, winter-ified.

Having said all this, here are some outfits I whipped up with the help of Polyvore, based around hot pink cowboy boots.

Perfect for a trip to the playground, a bit of cupcake munching & a ferocious game of air hockey.

More conservative cowboy-boot-ism, but it still speaks loudly. Your boots say, “Here I am!”, your shirt says, “I have taste!” & your sunglasses say, “Science fair geek!”. Mixed messages? Why yes. But isn’t it more fun that way?

The ideal brunch outfit. Just don’t spill maple syrup on your shirt.

Perfect for a little antique shopping, followed by a cup of frozen yoghurt the size of your head. You might also feel the urge to just sit on a bench & look delicious — & of course, you should go right ahead & do that!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: advice, consumption, how to, inspiration, madame
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How To Have The Best Holiday Ever

[ 11 June 2008, 15:58 ]

Obviously, travelling has been on my mind recently — & it seems to be on yours, too, judging by the amount of email I’ve received asking for travel tips!

One of the questions that stood out in my mind was from a girl who was about to go overseas with her mother. She wrote,

“I plan on taking lots of photos and writing about each day (with video footage as well) but how can I make my experience one to be remembered for all the right reasons?”

Here are my tips for making the absolute best of your overseas excursion.

Assuming that you already know where you want to go (if you don’t, never fear — spin a globe with your eyes closed, point at it & then open your eyes!), the first step is defining your travels. This means answering questions like: where are you going? What’s the purpose of your trip? How long will you be there? Is it going to be a “solo voyage” or will you be going with someone else?

Once you know the answers to these questions, you can start planning accordingly. The most important thing, of course, is booking your ticket. Don’t feel that you have to go with the first deal you hear about — fares are priced quite competitively these days & you can save thousands of dollars if you book in advance (or, if you’re in the United States, at the very last minute: think 24 hours & under).

If your flight includes quite a few hops, skips & jumps, using a travel agent is generally easiest. I have always had great luck booking through STA Travel. They’re a student travel service & they offer excellent deals for those of us under 26. However, if you’re more of a flirty thirty, a naughty forty or even a nifty fifty than a twitterpated twenty-something, they’re still a great company to use! They’re friendly & helpful & their staff always offer tips from their own travel experiences, which I like. It’s friendly & genuine. But there are a lot of other companies offering information on discount fares. Expedia is very well-known, Kayak allows you to search over 140 airlines at once, & Priceline lets you bid for seats. There are also lots of tips on booking a good ticket at How To Book A Cheap Flight on Mahalo. SeatGuru is great for finding out the details of your seat — it will ease your mind as to whether it’s cramped, whether it has a power port nearby & other pressing questions!

I often find that organising a vegetarian, vegan, or Kosher meal on the flight is a great way to go. It usually tastes a lot better than the “normal” meal, is made specially for you, & comes out piping hot before everyone else’s. Woohoo!

Your next step is to book some accommodation. Will you be staying with a friend, in a hotel or a hostel, renting an apartment (a great option for long stays) or couch-surfing your way across the country? I really love looking at Tablet Hotels — it’s the higher end of accommodation, but you can get excellent deals & read comprehensive reviews there. It also tells you what the “vibe” of the hotel is, which I like. They have a limited selection of hotels featured, but that’s to keep the quality high — I like that too. Other than that, Trip Advisor has great reviews & also tells you what the most popular hotels are in any given location. I always like to check the reviews on Trip Advisor before I book anything. Apartment hunters will need to do a little bit of research, & you will probably get a better price if you don’t say that you’re a traveller. & of course, couch-surfers will find la-z-boys & fold-out futons aplenty at (where else?) Couchsurfing.com.

Try to work out a daily budget. This can be tricky but it’s worth doing, because it will give you some expectation of what you’ll spend while you’re away, & will also give you a goal to work towards with your savings! For more information on budgeting your holiday, see How To Create A Simple Vacation Budget & Divide Your Wallet To Stick To A Vacation Budget.

So, what do you want to do while you’re on holiday?! This is the most fun part of it, I think: researching exciting things & writing them down! If you’re going somewhere in the United States, Yelp is incredible, but for everywhere else, I love Virtual Tourist, Lonely Planet (& their forums), & of course, books! All of the books in the Hedonist’s Guide series are brilliant, as well as the guides by Wallpaper, Time Out & Luxe. Allow yourself some quality time online to poke around & see what you can find. Every place has its secrets which may only be unearthed by some sneaky & judiciously applied Googling. Also, when I’m about to go somewhere, one of my favourite things to do is go to a big bookstore, raid the travel section, grab all the books about the city I’m going to, & then take them to a corner where I pore over them & make notes in my book of the places I want to see or go. Man, I am such a nerd.

If you have friends in your destination, call or email them to let them know you’re on your way. Make plans to spend time with them & ask if they would be so kind as to organise a day where they show you their view of the place. This doesn’t need to involve 3 castle tours, an extravagant lunch & a night full of cupcakes & champagne (though of course, that’s always welcome!). Seeing what their life is really like will be fascinating. You might go & do laundry, shop for food (I love doing this in new countries, it’s so interesting!), walk through the park, eat fish & chips on the beach at sunset & then visit a dive bar for cheap beers & a local show. (Also, be sure to ask them for suggestions of things which they think you should do alone.)

If you don’t know anyone in your new favourite place, make some friends! Join a Livejournal community based around the city or jump into the Lonely Planet forums & start mingling! Having a contact to show you around, meet you for a coffee or suggest a restaurant — even if it’s someone you don’t know very well — is a great thing. (Remember to be safe! Always meet people from the internet [oh, those dastardly internet people!] in a public place & tell someone where you’ll be.)

Ah yes, packing. So many questions. What to pack? How to pack? When to pack?

I am a freakish organiser. That’s just how it is when you embrace your inherent Virgo-ness. I start packing — at the latest — two days before I leave. I learned this from my mother. If she is flying somewhere on Saturday, on Monday she will open her suitcase & set it at the end of her bed, & add to it over the course of the week as she thinks of things. Of course, this means that people who pack the day that they fly out completely bewilder me. But that’s okay! We all have our own “suitcase style”, & if you can be that spontaneous, kudos! I envy you!

So, the first thing you should do is get online & check the weather of the place you’re going. But! If you’re going to be there for longer than a week, I also suggest looking at the Wikipedia page of your destination & checking the average highs & lows of the month. Trust me on this. When I was packing for New York, I looked at the weather forecast & saw that it was pretty much the same temperature as in Melbourne (i.e., cold). I packed accordingly. I did not think about the fact that, golly, I was going to Florida, & hmm, I might be there for a couple of months in the hottest time of the year! Do not make my mistake! I packed faux fur coats & leather jackets & wool stockings & winter boots, which were fabulous for the first week & now just take up space in my closet. If there is even the vaguest possibility that your trip might be extended, plan for all eventualities!

For short trips, check out my article How To Pack A Suitcase. But for longer trips, you really need to use your discretion. What are you likely to do while you’re away? Will you be clambering around Machu Picchu, attending a wedding or shopping until you drop? Sometimes though, it’s very hard to know. It never occurred to me as I packed my suitcase that I would need an outfit for Disneyworld, something to meet Louis Vuitton in & a mermaid costume! Just do what you can.

The things that have gotten the most wear on this trip are my black jeans, my mind-bendingly versatile American Apparel dress, my super-comfortable & lightweight American Apparel sweater, my most comfortable boots (New Rocks, I’m looking at you) & my accessories. I packed a Hello Kitty lunchbox with all my favourite pieces of jewellery — pearls, crystal bracelets, sparkly rings etc. — & they have had a lot of wear. If I’m wearing something simple, like for example the black slip I bought from Urban Outfitters for $10 last week, & have been wearing non-stop since I got it because it is so insanely hot, it’s easy to dress it up with a headscarf, a huge bundle of necklaces & a pair of boots. Seriously, do not skimp on accessories. With the proliferation of stores like Topshop, H&M, Uniqlo & American Apparel, it’s easy to buy a plain dress or t-shirt, but not so simple to get your hands on accessories that really speak to you. Take statement pieces of jewellery & allow them to be the focus of your ensemble.

How to pack? I employ a combination of familiar techniques. I fold some pieces, roll others, & pack things inside other things. I stuff shoes with socks & small soft items to help them maintain their shape. Bulky items go in the bottom of my suitcase & delicate items go near the top, protected by a layer of t-shirts & other plain clothing. Underwear, socks & accessories like hats & scarves go in a separate zippered compartment, because I need to access them straight away.

NPR had a story a little while ago on how to pack everything you own in one bag, which is definitely worth a read. Bundling your clothing is a fantastic idea. Though they do say “never take more than two pairs of shoes”. HA! I have six pairs with me & it’s still not enough! It’s never enough! (Picture foam coming out of my mouth!) This is another good article on packing light.

Don’t forget: Geek stuff & accessories (laptop & power cables, cameras, chargers, cellphone, etc.). Sunglasses. Cleanser & moisturiser (don’t assume you’ll be able to buy it where you’re going). Tweezers. Prescription medication (& a script on paper just in case). A scarf.

As you probably all know, I am a huge fan of pen & paper. To me, there are few things as satisfying as scrawling words. I love the way pages feel when they’re covered in loopy writing — crunchy but soft, well-loved & bristling with secrets. So I think the ideal way to document your trip is to write it all down. Buy yourself a Moleskine (or some other notebook which charms you), take a couple of good pens & make time, every night, to detail what you did. Trust me on the every night thing. If you leave it a couple of days, you’ll get confused or out of the habit & you’ll end up with big gaps in your memory that you cannot fill in, no matter how hard you try.

If you want some great ideas for journalling your travels, Kolby Kirk has put together these tips which are fabulous.

Having said this, I admit that I have not been writing about my NYC adventures every day. I’ve been writing them up sporadically on my Macbook — I just don’t make time to put it down on paper, & plus, when I publish them on Livejournal, I can link to pictures & videos & people’s websites! So, if you take your laptop on holiday with you, typing it all up is an excellent option. Thankfully I have a Moleskine diary with all my appointments written in it, which gives me clues as to what the hell I actually did last week. Otherwise I would be at a complete loss! While typing it up electronically isn’t as authentic or as much of a keepsake, if your travelling schedule is hectic, it comes in at a fantastic second place to a notebook.

I think a digital camera is an absolute essential when you’re travelling. You can take as many shots as you like, delete the ones you don’t like & try again. While digital SLR cameras are incredibly sexy & give you great quality pictures, they also tend to be big, bulky & heavy. Not the sort of thing you want to lug all over Paris. Get your hands on a good quality point & click. I am an avid Nikon fan, & when I’m wandering the streets, I biff my Nikon Coolpix P5100 in my bag for snapshots on the go. It also has video capabilities, so it’s great to not have to take two cameras. Before you leave for your trip, I also suggest jumping on Ebay & buying yourself a huge memory card. I have an 8GB card which I adore & don’t think I will ever be able to fill! It’s brilliant not to worry about taking too many pictures.

If you want people to be able to keep up with what you’re doing as you’re doing it, sign up for a Flickr account, let your friends know the address, & upload your pictures & videos when you have a spare moment. The instant feedback is like an addictive drug, so beware! When it comes to videos of your trip, if you have an Apple computer, try using iMovie to turn your little video clips into one big exciting show!

Think about documenting your trip in an innovative way. Keep concert & movie tickets, receipts for unusual purchases, take photobooth strips & buy postage to put in your journal. You could even turn your trip into an art project of some kind, if you were so inclined.

You might also like to compile a list of email addresses of people who want to hear about your travels, & then you can send them a mass update when you have fun things to share.

Be charming at check-in. This should go without saying, but if you make an effort to be charming, it pays off. Hotel & airline employees work their butts off, & often bear the brunt of raging customers with a sense of entitlement. If you chat to them & treat them like a friend, they will often help you out. This could mean upgrading you to the next class on the plane, not charging you for excess baggage, organising you an entire row of seats to yourself or giving you a bigger & better suite with a fabulous view. Don’t go into it with an agenda (i.e. thinking, ‘I’ll only be friendly because I might get something out of it’), just do it because it’s the right way to behave, & you’ll reap the rewards. If not immediately, then sometime after. Promise!

Allow yourself to be swept away. I love to organise the main details of my holiday but I think it’s important to leave a lot of it open. It is my belief that a vacation shouldn’t be a military operation — you need time to mooch about, gawk at architecture, hide in an air-conditioned ice-cream parlour, & if everything is scheduled to the nth degree, it sucks a lot of the fun out of it. What if you meet someone cute & they want to take you out for a drink? Or you meet your idol on the street & they invite you to a party? What then?! Chill out a bit, go with the flow. It’s worth it.

Take your cellphone — or purchase one, if need be. Before you start squeaking about how your phone doesn’t work in Guatemala, or about how expensive it is to use your phone overseas, realise that in most places, you can buy basic phones & connectivity packages for about $30 American. Eet ees nussink! Especially if you’re going to be meeting people, organising social events, or trying to keep in contact with your parents on the other side of the planet. My phone has been an incredible asset to me since I arrived in the States, I use it constantly & would be quite lost without it!

Write postcards. Picking a postcard from a rack, deliberating over what to scrawl in that tiny space & purchasing foreign postage are all fun activities & good things to do when you have a moment of down-time. Even if you don’t document your adventures, writing a postcard (which usually ends up being a summary of the coolest things you’ve done) is a great way to remind yourself of all the fun you’re having! Seal with a kiss & send to your friends (& other deserving people).

Relax. Even though you’re in an exciting new place & you’re dying to get out there & conquer it all, allow yourself plenty of time to just do nothing. When I say do nothing, I mean: do nothing! Lie on your bed. Watch television. Eat some food. Read a book. Otherwise you just end up exhausted & grouchy. I prescribe at least one day a week of sweet, sweet absolute nothingness. It is a sanity preserver if nothing else.

Always carry your camera. Always! At the very least, make sure you have a cellphone that will take pictures… because you never know where you’re going to go, what you’re going to see or who you might meet! (Squeal!)

Learn a few local phrases. It will make your life a lot easier! Even if you’re going to an English-speaking country, if you brush up on their slang or colloquialisms, it will help prevent those moments where you stare at someone slack-jawed with that very confused look in your eye!

Drink lots of water & take your vitamins. I promise that it will help keep you feeling fresh & alert. You can read more about keeping your body happy at The Raw Girl’s Travel Guide.

Enjoy it for what it is. I think this is the most important thing. The key is in removing your expectations; detaching from the need to experience this or that, or for it to resemble something you’re comfortable with. In some places, you’ll have to eat weird food. In others, their toilets may terrify you. A friendly Australian going to France might feel confused by how long it can take the French to warm to you, while a meticulous clock-watcher from Germany might be frustrated by the easy-going attitude in Brazil. (Please excuse the stereotypes!) My point is, there are always going to be little things that aren’t quite how you like them, but you’ll improve your experience greatly if you can let go of those needs.

Above all, have fun! Do your best to appreciate every day & soak it all in.

Extra For Experts:
Five Ways To Get An Edge Over Other Air Travellers
Where To Find Cheap Last-Minute Or Emergency Tickets?
How Not To Be The “Ugly American” — customs & traditions from around the world.
Extravigator is “haute travel talk”.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: advice, how to, life, productivity
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My Mother Might Have Cancer...

[ 3 June 2008, 12:41 ]

“Dearest Gala,

Today my mom went to the doctor for a routine pap smear. In October they had found some abnormal cells, and in April they took a biopsy and today she received the results; they revealed she had pre-cancerous cells. The doctor did a special procedure where the cells are burned out of her cervix, but since the cells were in such a strange place, they had to burn a part of her cervix, meaning she can now no longer have children (thankfully she has my younger brother, younger sister, and I).

My question, Gala, is how can I be strong for her? I feel completely distraught over the fact that my 34-year old mother may have cancer, and I’m not sure what to do. I can’t even imagine how she may be feeling, but I am only 14 years old and very, very confused. I want her to be okay. I want her to be healthy. It has been my greatest fear for as long as I can remember to lose her in any way; she raised me. I am not sure who I can talk to about this, because I want to be strong and take over the mother position for awhile, so she won’t have to stress.

My mom has no idea how upset I am, and I am so incredibly worried and distraught over this. I don’t know who to talk to, or how to healthily deal with my emotions. Please, offer some input. Thank you very much.”

I am so, so sorry that you’re going through this. It is a horrific position to be in, & all your fears & concerns are perfectly normal & okay. I think that anyone in a similar position would be at least as freaked out as you are right now. You’re going to be okay though, I promise.

Nobody wants their parents to die. To those of us with parents who are still alive & kicking — gardening in the afternoons, drinking coffee, flicking the newspaper pages with gusto — sometimes it seems like the ultimate nightmare to consider them not being around any more. My parents are 14,401 kilometres (8948 miles) away from me & I still make time to talk to them every day! That’s the thing about parents: no matter how maddening they can be at times, they are our parents. We love them. No one can replace them, & that’s what makes the thought of losing them so terrifying.

There is good news, though! While at the moment you don’t know if your mother actually has cancer or not, the fact remains that cancer is not a death sentence. Not any more. There are over 10 million cancer survivors in the United States today, with numbers growing all the time. Lance Armstrong, Kylie Minogue, Elizabeth Taylor, Robert DeNiro & Kris Carr, an actress turned director, are all wonderful examples of people who have mercilessly kicked cancer’s ass! It can be done. Kris Carr in particular is an incredibly inspiring woman. I met her at the start of May, & she is amazing — so calm & so happy, she just radiates light.

Q: What are some of the misconceptions people have about cancer?

A: I think for me the main misconception is that in the world of cancer the outcome is either cure or death and there is nowhere in between. I am an example of someone who lives with cancer, manages it and still has a perfectly normal dynamic life. Cancer has opened me up to the best life possible. It hasn’t been a gift but it has been an extreme catalyst for personal revolution and I am grateful for it. Truth be told, we are all saddled with something. Adversity is universal. But what you do with it determines the quality of your life.

(Meet Kris Carr)

One thing you do need to be aware of is that things around your house are going to start changing. Here are some things you can do to make the transition easier.

Be open to change
It’s a biggie. So many of us think change sucks, but without change, we would have no birth, new relationships, great haircuts or… well, anything! (No internet! The horror!)

So try to take a more open view to the changes that are going to occur inside your family over the next little while. There will be upheaval & adjustment & bleary-eyed mornings & yawn-inducing late nights & boredom & chaos… just like your old life, really, but moreso. Try not to let it get to you. Don’t feel like you have to control everything, because you don’t, & you can’t even if you want to.

Talk to your brother & sister about the fact that things are going to start changing. Ask for their help & tell them how much you’d appreciate it if they could do all they can to keep the family united.

Just allow life to happen. Let it unfold organically. Deep breaths, baby. You can do it!

Do what you can to help
Every little thing you can do that makes your mother’s life easier will be a huge help. If that means you need to learn to cook something other than pancakes, then get a cookbook out of the library & start sizzling! If it means walking to the markets alone to buy the groceries for the week, try that too.

Obviously you won’t be able to fully take over your mother’s role as head of the house. There is so much involved, from wake-up calls in the morning to budgets to late library books, that it is quite an incredible task. (Especially for a 14 year old girl! I can’t imagine doing it myself, & I’m almost twice your age!) But, like I say, every little bit helps. Ask your mother where your assistance would be most valuable, & then divvy up some of the other chores between your siblings.

Another thing you might like to do is to sit down with your mother & discuss enlisting someone else’s help. Of course, this will all depend on how well she is: fingers crossed that it’s a false alarm & she is totally fine. But if she isn’t, having her best friend or sister or mother or even distant cousin move into a spare bedroom or stay nearby would be a wonderful thing. Just another adult around to help run the house & assist in providing a little structure.

Take care of yourself
While your mother is definitely going to be your primary concern for a while, it’s really important that you take time for yourself, too. You need to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling, & your emotions will cycle & change rapidly. At times you might feel ashamed by some of those feelings — for example, you might feel left out or embarrassed about being seen in public with your mother — but you need to just allow yourself to feel it. If you don’t, you’ll go nuts! A lot of us bury our emotions, thinking that if we pretend everything is okay & “put on a happy face”, all the bad ugly junk in our heads will disappear. Well, it doesn’t. You need to acknowledge your emotions, because they’re screaming at you!

What do I mean when I say “acknowledge your emotions”? Basically it means that you take a step back, look at them, & then do something with them. Something productive, if possible — some of those emotions might make us want to smash every dish in the house, but that’s probably not going to help much! My favourite way to deal with a strong negative feeling is to use EFT on it. I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again: it has changed my life. You can read about it here.

But the more you can do the better. Try running, yoga or acrobatics classes (exercise is a great way to blow off steam), singing really loudly, dancing really badly, seeing a counsellor (you can probably get a referral from your school if they don’t have one on site), talking to your friends & family about how you feel, writing it all down, crying until you pass out, making a mess with canvas & paint, baking a huge batch of cupcakes & beating the butter furiously, building a treehouse, making prank phonecalls (hey, sometimes it just helps), painting your face like a warrior & sauntering along the high street like you own it… Anything you want. It’s all good. Just stay away from things which harm you or other people.

Be there for your mother
It sounds like your mother has raised you alone — major kudos, & obviously she’s done an amazing job! — & that she is single. Of course, that’s cool, but it might mean she doesn’t have another adult with whom she is intimately involved to share the burden. I can’t begin to imagine what it would be like to be faced with an illness & have children but no lover to hold your hand. Hopefully she has some good friends who can step in & look after her, but regardless, this might be the time to become her best friend.

This doesn’t mean you need to smother her. She is, after all, an extremely strong & independent woman. But it does mean that she’s going to need a bit of a boost from time to time, & if you can offer her that, you will both feel so much better for it. Accompany her to doctor’s appointments when you can, give her space to talk, spend time with her. You don’t need to rigorously schedule every moment you have alone — that would be exhausting & strange — but let her know that you are available, that you love her & support her, & that she can come to you whenever she likes.

Keep communicating
If you’ve never been a big talker, now’s the time to push your old image of yourself aside & start gabbing! In order to keep your family together, you all need to know where you’re at. You might like to schedule regular meetings for you, your mother, your sister & brother, where you all sit down & talk — preferably with some good food & no distractions like music or television. Ask everyone how they’re doing. See if there are any gaps anywhere. For example, your brother might feel like he’s doing too much housework & doesn’t have time to go to karate lessons — if you know this, you can work around it, & you’ll all be happier.

Fear can sometimes push us into silence, but choking it down & not speaking up only makes things worse. If you absolutely cannot form the words, write a note.

Another thing you might like to do is tell your mother that you want to know what’s happening at all times. Tell her that you don’t want her to go through this alone, & that if you have all the information she does, then you can actually help. The scariest thing is being left in the dark, but if you feel like you have all the knowledge you need, you’ll feel much more secure & okay with what is going on. Some families leave their children out of important stuff like this, but I think, especially when it comes to such a big situation, it’s beneficial to treat your children like adults. That way, you can all grow together, you all know what’s going on & no one feels left out or confused or afraid.

Maintain your own life, too
That being said, there are going to be times when you just can’t take any more! You need to get out of your house, acknowledge your own emotions (see above), & do your own thing. You’re a teenager; trust me, your mother understands. Plus, everyone knows people are more pleasant when they have time to do what they want to do!

So don’t neglect your normal day to day life. You are still going to have homework, crushes, sartorial difficulties, hormones, ballet classes & all the usual insanity to deal with it. Go to the movies, go shopping, sleep at your friend’s house, get a boyfriend, wear black lipstick (okay, maybe not that last one). Just live. Your home life will be a bit crazier than most people’s, but you know what? You’re strong & awesome, & you’ll get through it.

It’s true that this next phase of your life is going to be a big one — being a teenager is difficult, regardless of the circumstances! — but you are going to grow like mad, & in a few years, you will be incredulous at how well you did.

Try to understand how your family is feeling
Your mother is probably going through the emotional wringer right now. She might be feeling sad, angry, terrified, lonely, confused or just plain numb. Medical problems are so scary because it’s not something distant — it’s right there, with you all the time. Your body, revolting against you. It’s incomprehensible & upsetting.

When something like this happens, there’s really no telling how someone will react to it. Some people get depressed & never want to leave their bed. Some stay hopeful & do their best to get on with “normal” life. Another group grab life by the gonads & decide that things are going to change, starting now! However, most people’s reactions are not quite so cut & dry. There will be good days & there will be bad ones. You cannot control your mother’s feelings or reactions to what is happening to her, but you can do your very best to be compassionate, loving & accepting.

It’s very possible that as you all go through this journey, everyone in the family will start to become a lot more human. You might see things you don’t like. You may realise that your mother is much more flawed than you used to think she was. You might recoil from your brother’s selfishness & feel confused by your sister’s nonchalant attitude. This is all part of growing & learning — you see new things, some of them unpleasant. Do your best to accept what you face with love & grace. If in doubt, channel Mother Theresa — then go somewhere secret & scream. Or go running until the sweat streams down your face. You’ll feel better.

Don’t treat your mother like a victim
A lot of people act as if anyone with an illness needs to be handled with kid gloves. They tread around softly & are infuriatingly agreeable & they smile all the time & la la la, daisies! If my body was going nuts & I felt sick & unwell, all the super-sweet faux nonsense would drive me CRAZY! I would jump up on my bed & pull off my clothes & do the haka, & then there’d really be trouble! I’d run downstairs & beat pots & pans with a huge spoon, cover the living room in ice-cream & fill my handbag with tomato sauce. I mean, honestly!

Anyone living with any kind of sickness (& you know what? That’s most people!) is still them! Your mother is still your mother, your sister is still your sister, & the grumpy guy at the convenience store is still just a grumpy old man. Their essence hasn’t changed. They might be a bit crankier, sleepier or sadder than usual, but you don’t have to pretend you’re someone else just to relate to them. A bit of normality is a good thing.

Take things one step at a time
Sometimes it’s impossible to see how things might look a week, a month or a year down the track, so just focus on what you can do today to make life easier.

Just breathe. Learn how to meditate. (If you’re too busy, learn how to do a walking meditation!) Soak up the sun. Appreciate life for what it is: it’s a beautiful thing. Confusing? Sure! Crazy? Yes! But beautiful all the same.

Again, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You’re not alone: there are lots of people you can talk to about this, myself & the other nonpareils included.

Life is a funny thing. This is going to be a hard time for you, but it is also an amazing opportunity for you to grow, change & transform into a fabulously capable, compassionate & cool woman. I commend you for your courage & I have all my fingers & toes crossed that things turn out well for you, your mother, your brother & sister.

Extra For Experts:
When Your Parent Has Cancer: A Guide For Teens — click all the links down the side & have a read. The first page has some common emotions you might be feeling. If you use EFT to tap them out, you will feel much better.
A friend is doing chemo. What should I say? From Cary Tennis’ ‘Since You Asked’.
Kris Carr mania! Get on it! A Women On Writing interview (“People say they don’t know what to say. Well, it’s just common sense. Imagine walking in a cancer patient’s shoes and perhaps it will set you on course. I like it when folks listen and provide space and a safe container for me to share if I want to. What a lovely and compassionate gift. Just be present.”); tell your mother to join the My Crazy Sexy Life forum, buy Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips (her book) & watch Crazy Sexy Cancer, the movie about her journey.
EFT for cancer is quite interesting, too!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: advice, how to, life
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Things My Parents Taught Me

[ 13 May 2008, 10:18 ]

“My question is about your parents, because they obviously did something really right when it came to teaching you how to be you. I am raising two girls and my goal is to give them the tools to manage themselves on a daily practical level and to know themselves, I hope to show them how to be truly in touch with who they are, to always follow their instinct and to learn how to really “listen” to themselves. So Gala, what valuable tools did your parents give you? What values, insights or lessons did your parents pass on to you? What part did they play in shaping you into the individual who thinks outside of the box, follows her intuition and has the practical know how to make her dreams happen?”

I’m not perfect, & neither are my parents. I read this email aloud to my father & he was flattered, but he said that he thinks very little of how I am today has anything to do with him or my mother — he knows how much change I’ve been through & the amount of effort I’ve put into turning myself into the sort of person I am today. I used to be very different! (Read: goth, cynical, nasty, insecure, negative, miserable.)

...But I think he’s just being modest. My parents did, of course, teach me many lessons that have been immensely valuable to me. Here are a few of them.

Communicate
Being able to talk to other people is so important! If you can’t tell them when there’s a problem or if you’d like to change something, you’re really heading for disaster. Other people can’t read your mind & it’s not their job to, either — it is absolutely your responsibility to communicate your needs. You can’t blame other people for not delivering what you want if you haven’t told them! My relationship with my parents was always pretty open, & while I shut down a bit as a teenager, there still wasn’t a lot that I didn’t tell them. They were always very cool & accepting, which helped keep the doors of communication open. If there’s no fear of persecution, there’s no reason to clam up.

Your integrity is the most important thing
It really, really is. As they say, once it’s gone, it’s gone, & you may never rebuild your reputation. Be careful with it, think about what you’re doing & pay attention.

My parents weren’t perfect
My father has always been really keen on telling me that he isn’t perfect — that he has made mistakes, & that he doesn’t know everything. I think one of his beliefs is that a lot of children rebel because their parents paint themselves as saints, & when their offspring discover that that isn’t the case (or even close), they get pissed off & rebel. Hard. My father didn’t want that to happen in our family, so he was always keen on emphasising the fact that his opinion was no more important than anyone else’s. This attitude coupled with the fact that my parents always treated me like an adult meant that I never felt deceived by them, & so I never really “rebelled”.

Working for yourself is the only way to truly be in charge of your destiny
From the time of my birth onwards, my parents always had their own businesses. My mother owned a clothing boutique & my father owned a hi-fi business, & so to me, that was normal. It made sense to have your own business — while the risk lay solely with you, all the benefits did too. I think I was always subconsciously filtered a message that working for other people means that you rely on them, that you have far less freedom & that it was really a sub-optimal position to be in. I always knew that one day I would have my own business, I just didn’t know what it would be. I feel like having that as a valid option helped shape my view of the world, & of course, founding iCiNG has been one of the greatest learning experiences of my life thus far.

Reading is fun
I am so, so fortunate that my parents instilled a love of reading in me early in life. My father used to take me to the library every Saturday morning & we would come away with shopping bags full to the brim! When we went home I would basically go to my bed, sit there & work my way through the stack. Then we would repeat the process the following week. Reading has always been hugely enjoyable & comforting to me, & I am at my happiest when I am leaving the library with a whole lot of books to devour. I know a lot of people who didn’t read much when they were young, & it seems like if that’s the case, you never really get as much joy from books as someone who has been reading them since the dawn of time. I think that’s a shame, since reading can be so enriching.

You have absolute responsibility for your life
In our household, there was always a strong action culture. What I mean by this is that complaining wasn’t really tolerated. That might sound a bit harsh, but it just wasn’t something that any of us had any time for. If you had a problem, you were expected to deal with it &/or fix it, the sooner the better. While I haven’t been perfect about it, this is an attitude I have maintained as much as possible, & it has served me well. It helps prevent me from stagnating or getting locked into negative patterns. I think it’s really important to feel that we each have the means to solve our own problems — it’s empowering & allows us to move through life with more acceptance of change.

It’s important to be different
My parents both own their own businesses, & were very aware of the fact that in order to thrive, you need to have a point of difference. Both their businesses were successful for this very reason. My parents are pretty eccentric, too, & as long as I’ve known them, they have been pretty unapologetic about that. When I got to the age where I started experimenting with clothing & style, at about 13, they were really cool & supportive. The only thing they wouldn’t let me do is leave the house wearing black lipstick (in retrospect, it was a good call!). I would go into the city in my goth garb (all black, stripey stockings, eye of horus make-up, you know the drill) with a pair of silver angel wings strapped to my back & they encouraged me — they were proud of the fact that I was different & brave. Usually when I did things that were weird or a bit strange, they would just laugh with me. That was awesome: it taught me that it was okay to experiment & try new things. I have a very strong sense of myself, & I’ve never been worried about following trends or doing what other people did, because being my own person was never been presented as a “risky” or scary thing.

Be generous
You just should be. A world full of selfish people doesn’t bode well. If karma is the only thing that motivates you, then sure, be generous because you know it will come back to you. But we should all be generous, regardless of our circumstances. If you can’t be generous when you perceive yourself to be “poor”, you never will be. The typical reason people aren’t generous is because they have this huge feeling of lack — like there isn’t enough, & there never will be. That feeling remains, regardless of how much money you have. Besides, generosity isn’t always about money. Often being generous with your time or knowledge or relationships is worth much more.

You can never be too encouraging
This goes hand-in-hand with being generous. People need encouragement & love & support — without it, it can be hard to get anything done. My parents always encouraged me, almost without exception, & it gave me great faith in my abilities & huge ambition. It makes sense, really: if the people around you act as if life is unfair & a trial & like there’s no point in bothering, then why would you?! Conversely, if your family or friends tell you that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, then you’ll feel much more naturally capable. I remember regurgitating this fact (“you can do anything you want!”) on the playground at approximately age 7. My best friend at the time scoffed & said, “What, like flying to the moon?!” It was hard for me to explain it at the time but I knew what I meant — it just goes to show that what we’re told at a young age really does stick with us & influence us hugely.

I think those are the major life lessons my parents have taught me — at least to date. I’m sure in a few years I’ll be able to come up with an entirely different set! What positive things do you think your parents taught you, & how have those lessons helped you so far?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Kink Under The Covers

[ 28 April 2008, 22:37 ]

“What would you recommend to spice up your sex life? I’m with a lovely guy who I trust (and who trusts me) implicitly. We have an enjoyable sex life but it’s so… meh. Two positions, totally plain. He’s also very inexperienced and quite submissive, so doesn’t feel he’s knowledgeable enough to bring up new ideas. And I, for once, am completely at a loss for inspiration! So one of my goals is to remedy this. Do you have any tips/suggestions/links/cupcakes that you think could solve, or at least enhance, my lacklustre love life? Indeed, if there’s a cupcake that could enhance it, I’d be more the happier!”

Absolutely! There are lots of things you can do to make your intimate life more sexy, exciting & stimulating! Here are a few suggestions. (By the link, practically all of the links that follow aren’t safe for work. Consider yourself warned!)

Buy a good sex book
It’s one of the best ways to fill your head with new ideas, while at the same time giving you a crash course in sexual health. (We all need reminders!) You might like to go to the sexuality section of your local bookstore & peruse the shelves; I often find that Borders has a huge selection of sex manuals as well as erotica. However, I have to say, my absolute favourite sex book is The Guide To Getting It On!, by Paul Joannides & Daerick Gross. It is truly awesome. It’s required reading at colleges across America, which you might think would mean it’s a pretty dry book. Not at all! It’s the kind of book you read for fun (or “pleasure”, mwahaha) — the writing is humorous, always interesting & thought-provoking. Any book with a chapter called “The Zen Of Finger F*cking” has to be good! Get your hands on a copy & read it with your boyfriend, enjoy the illustrations (they are racy & cool) & use some Post-It notes to mark things you’d like to try together! You might also like to look into some of Violet Blue’s books — she has written some fantastic stuff about fetishes, role play, porn & various sex acts!

Find a few good sex blogs
There are all kinds of things online that will appeal to you, it’s all about what floats your boat. You can experiment with erotica, pretty pictures, sex ed & the infamous Fleshbot. If you add one (or several) of these blogs to your RSS reader, you’ll get a steady influx of racy loveliness, which will definitely raise your libido & keep your mind ticking in a lusty manner!

Subscribe to a sexy/erotic podcast…
...& listen to it together in bed! Turn the lights down low, get scantily clad & see where the words take you! If you search “sex podcast” in iTunes, you’ll be presented with a slew of podcasts to digest & enjoy.

Watch porn together
I don’t mean that mass-produced stuff starring human Barbie dolls (well, unless that appeals to you!) — I mean the good stuff, & believe me, it does exist. I think Andrew Blake is a pretty great pornographer: what he does is more high-end erotica than terrifying close-ups & whatnot. For example, Dita Von Teese stars in Pin-Ups 2. Vivid Alt have some good titles, too. For more suggestions, Violet Blue is your girl — she used to review porn for a living! Check out her recommendations for what she calls “smart porn” — less long fingernails (eeesh!) & faux-orgasms, more genuine pleasure & realistic lovin’!

Write down your fantasies…
...on little scraps of paper, have your boyfriend do the same, then draw one or two out of a hat every week! You could even have little “dates” a few nights a week, where you make drawing a fantasy out of a hat a habit. Fun fun! If you have performance anxiety & can’t think of anything to write down, have a look at BDSM Scenarios: Ideas To Spark Your Sex Life.

Do a striptease!
Have your lover do one, too! (It’s only fair…)

Dress up…
...in a saucy outfit & let him have his wicked way with you (or vice versa)! Pretending to be someone else can really help if you’re feeling pressured to get it on & have an amazing time, etc. Boss him around or let him tell you what to do, & come up with outfits to match. Bonus points if you surprise him at the door wearing just your knickers under a trenchcoat, or jump out of his closet wearing nothing but one of his shirts!

Try getting it on in different locations
Sometimes a change of scenery is just what you need. Try messing around in your car, by the beach, in a forest, behind the stacks at your local library, in a cupboard at IKEA, or wherever works for you… just don’t get caught!

Go shopping
No, not for tomato sauce & a head of broccoli… for bedroom accoutrements! Handcuffs, Swarovski crystal embellished whips, toys, blindfolds, feathers, whatever takes your fancy! If you’re too shy to buy in person, Good Vibrations is a great place to start.

What are your best hints for making your sex life more saucy? Go on, spill!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

Comment [33]
Tags: advice, how to, inspiration, life, madame, monsieur, question
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Morals, Ethics & Integrity -- Where Do You Draw The Line?

[ 15 April 2008, 21:17 ]

“I recently got a 9-5 job on the phones at an insurance company. It’s never where I thought I’d be but I’m loving it. The people, the work and the attitude and values of the company I can really relate to. I also do some volunteer work for a soup kitchen where everyone there are vegan anarchists… some of them squat in abandoned warehouses, most vegan, they dumpster dive for food (as a political & ethical statement), most have a very idealistic and strong ethic about the way they live their life. So they have made little jibes to me about selling out… and the part of me that is a part of that world can’t help wondering if I am? I realise I have to pay the bills so it shouldn’t really matter but I’m just not sure what my own code of ethics really is and what is going against my system of values and what isn’t. In regards to the work you do I can imagine perhaps it comes up in being sponsored, money and potential jobs you get from iCiNG. Also with fashion, I tend to try not buy leather and definitely not fur but would be interested on your take on this. Also, buying fair trade and environmentally friendly. At what point do you draw the line? And how do you guide yourself ethically and morally?”

After your health, it’s said that the most important thing you have is your integrity, because once it’s gone — it’s gone. Along with the awful feeling of not wanting to look at yourself in the mirror, word spreads, & you might find yourself very unpopular all of a sudden.

So, what is integrity? Really, it’s about behaving in a way that you are proud of. It means that your morals are intact & that you don’t bend them on a whim. People who don’t act with integrity might do things they abhor for cash, say one thing & do another, or lie to their friends for a quick buck. The core of it really comes from people acting selfishly, as well as only thinking about the present & not considering the future repercussions.

Our beliefs — what we can call a “moral compass” — come from a combination of places. A lot of what we perceive to be right or wrong comes from what we’ve seen our parents or family do. After all, our family is our first example of what the world is like. Some conclusions we come to on our own, & we are also influenced by the society we live in as to what we think is okay & what isn’t. It’s all very subjective, which is why people on the other side of the planet sometimes seem to behave in a way that seems offensive or just plain bizarre. There is no definitive answer. What is right & what is wrong? Only you can answer that for yourself. (...Though if you really want to get into it, the Morality page on Wikipedia is a great place to start!)

So, having said this, & knowing how different people’s morals can be, I can understand that your friends might be finding it difficult to cope with what they might perceive as a sudden major shift in your personality & lifestyle. It’s said that the people around us impact us so much that our life becomes an average of the lives of the five people closest to us, & if all your friends are vegan, dumpster-diving anarchists, it makes sense that they would be surprised by your new direction.

You didn’t really write anything about your own beliefs, other than you feel like what you’re doing at your job gels with you, ethically, & that you do some volunteer work, so I’m assuming that your political stand-point isn’t something you’ve given heaps of thought to in the past. You probably have an innate sense of what’s okay & what isn’t, & you’ve followed that. But you know what? The amount of brain-power you’ve put into thinking about this doesn’t make you a better or worse person than your fellow volunteers — just different. I mean, honestly, I don’t give politics a lot of thought, because it has never really interested me. You might be the same way, & of course, that’s totally fine. I do think, though, that when it comes to morals & ethics & integrity, we all need to work out where we stand.

“If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything.” — Malcolm X

It’s all too easy to get swept away in a tidal wave of excitement & then realise, ‘I shouldn’t have done that’. It happens to people all the time. For some, it happens after a few drinks, while for others, as soon as they see a beautiful woman, anything they might have said in the past (& that ring on their finger) is all but forgotten. Those are but two examples. I don’t think anyone reading this could claim they’ve never done anything that compromised their integrity. & of course, afterwards, you have to pick up the pieces, which can be horrific for everyone involved.

When it comes to iCiNG, it can be a hard line to walk. I often feel that I’m blazing my own path, & as such, every day is a new adventure. It’s exciting, but it can be tricky! For example, I sell advertising, but I’m very picky about who I accept ads from. (You wouldn’t believe what people want to put on my site!) Often, people want to pay me or give me merchandise, thinking that I will mention their product or service & they’ll get a rush of sales. That happens on other sites, sure — some blogs these days look more like advertorial than anything else — but not here, & I think iCiNG is a better place for it. I won’t write about anything that I wouldn’t be happy to spend money on myself… & I’m a discerning customer!

The world is rife with opportunity for us to sell out, compromise our values & buy into someone else’s shady agenda. That’s why it helps to think about the big picture. So if someone offers you something, don’t just say yes because it flatters your ego — think about the likely chain of events afterwards. Sometimes the best thing to do is just not get involved, which can be hard. It’s important to learn how to say no.

I think a good guiding principle, though, is the No Assholes Rule. Crude, I know, but bear with me. What this means is that you make a decision — now — never to deal with or get involved with anyone who is an asshole. (I’m using the term “asshole” as a blanket term to mean anyone who is rude, callous, unprofessional, unethical, vile, disrespectful, etc. You can mix & match terms as you like!) Basically, the less assholes you deal with, the less chance there is that you’ll be tempted to compromise your ethics. Sometimes it can be hard to tell whether someone is cool or not, but trust me when I say that the more you listen to your intuition (your “gut”), the better your asshole radar will become. If your intuition is singing out “No, no, no!”, listen! & then act! A lot of mistakes & potential ugliness can be avoided by engaging this principle.

Coming back to morals & ethics, there are so many different battles going on in the world today, & it’s impossible to fight every one. You’d just end up bitter & exhausted. So it’s important to pick the causes that are important to you, & then do your best. For example, I don’t buy anything that has been tested on animals, & I do my best to support companies doing things that I agree with (Lush, for example, is really committed to buying fair trade). I prefer to buy from small designers rather than chain stores that mass-produce things — they often have questionable labour practices & of course, shops on the high street tend to contribute to that whole “fast fashion” thing, & produce enormous amounts of waste. I barely touch meat or dairy (& I won’t be anywhere near it as of Monday!), I don’t drive a car or commute, I don’t buy tabloids because I believe they are destructive & I also believe in a celebrity’s right to privacy (really!), etc. Those are all things that are important to me.

But then there are grey areas. Some people say we shouldn’t buy from big sports shoe manufacturers, because the labour conditions are horrible. & of course, any slightly compassionate person will agree. Then someone else comes along & says that if insert-shoe-company-here wasn’t employing these people, they’d be worse off than they are. Who should we believe? How should we behave? Only you can answer that for yourself.

So, how do we work out where we draw the line? I think a good rule of thumb, though a little terrifying to think about at first, is never do anything you wouldn’t want on the front page of the newspaper. It’s a pretty good way of gauging things, because it’s such a huge idea. ‘How would I feel if everyone on the planet knew this about me?’ But again, we’re all different. Some people would be okay with publication of a photo of them doing a line, while others would be mortified if their colleagues knew they jay-walked occasionally.

I think that, for the girl who wrote to me, there are a few questions she needs to answer.

Does she really agree with what her place of employment is doing? Has she done a bit of research & looked into it further than just how friendly her team-mates are? Insurance companies are notorious for acting in an extremely unethical way — is hers different, & if so, how?

Finally, do her friend’s opinions matter more than her own? In this case, they think she’s a sell-out, blah blah — but does it actually matter? No, it doesn’t. They have their lives, & she has hers, & she can only live for herself. It’s nice to hear what your friends have to say, but their opinion is no more valuable than the milkman’s. People are always going to say inaccurate, misguided or just plain screwed up things, because we all run things through our own filters. Our personal filters are affected by all kinds of things — upbringing, past experiences, feelings about the future — & so it helps to take what people say with a grain of salt.

Ultimately, all that matters is that you think about what you’re doing, on a grand scale, & you feel good about it.

(Where do you draw the line? What causes do you support? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.)

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Have A Crush On A Guy I've Never Met!

[ 14 April 2008, 22:22 ]

“I saw an interview with a man (not a celeb, just a random guy) in a magazine and I find him sooo attractive (I’m a love-at-first-sight kinda girl). The interview says he lives in the city very close to my village & is single. I googled, of course, and somewhere on the internet I found his email address but apart from that nothing important I think. I don’t think I can use it, it might be weird, no? But if I find his address, are there things I can do without looking like a stalker? Maybe drop a little note in his mailbox or something? Or should I just let it pass? I don’t know, I don’t have a lot of confidence when it comes to guys and he is 25 while I’m 19 so I don’t want look like a little girl…”

That’s so cute & awesome, & I think you should definitely approach him. After all, what is life without courage? But having said that, there are some definite tips to keep you from crossing over into scary stalker territory.

My first piece of advice would be to make contact via email. The reason for this is that it’s much less threatening. If he thinks you might have been lurking outside his house, well, that’s enough to make even the bolshiest brute feel a bit uncomfortable! Email, on the other hand, is much less intrusive, & at this point, you don’t really want to encroach on his personal space.

The other thing I’d say is that you should play it cool. Even though you may feel like you’re head over heels for him, take a moment to chill out. To make sure you don’t say the wrong thing, play a game of role reversal & then adjust your behaviour accordingly. Imagine receiving an email from someone who has seen you in a magazine & thinks you’re the cutest girl on the planet. You might be okay with him saying that, but if he started to get all, “I believe in love at first sight” & “So, I did some searching online & I noticed your house has a blue roof”, you might freak out a bit! Odds are good that you wouldn’t reply to him, & that his email would make good lunch-time gossip fodder for you & your girlfriends. He might even get a nickname, like, “The Email Freak”.

As someone who gets a lot of email all the time, some of which manages to successfully communicate a message & some which just doesn’t, I can tell you this much. The best emails are complimentary but not obnoxiously so, assume an easygoing rapport, & extend an offer of some sort. Here’s an example of an email that has all those elements, tailored to your situation.

Hi Karl, ^[1]

How’s it going? ^[2]

I’m writing to you because ^[3] I recently saw an interview with you in Slug magazine & something about you really appealed to me! Probably because of your clever answers! Oh — let’s just say it. The fact that you are devilishly handsome didn’t hurt, either! ^[4]

My name is Coco & I live in Taihape. ^[5] So, hello! I’m currently studying architecture at Moonman University, which I love. ^[6] I’m an occasional yoga instructor & eternal book-worm. (I just read a great book on nutrition by Marion Nestle, ^[7] it was so interesting, all about genetically modified food & the psychology of supermarkets. Sounds dull but it was actually amazing!) ^[8]

Anyway, I hope this email hasn’t weirded you out too much, I just thought you seemed cool & wanted to say hi. ^[9] It’d be great to get you know you better, so if you have a moment, drop me a line! ^[10]

Hope the rest of your week is fantastic! ^[11]

Coco. ^[12]

Email Decoder!

1. Say hello casually. “My sweet hunk of man-meat, Karl” would be a bit much.

2. Assume rapport — i.e., act as if you already know him.

3. Explain why you’re writing to him. Otherwise he might be all, “Who’s this crazy nut?” & rush through what you’ve written to try & find out why he’s got an email from you.

4. Use humour & be honest.

5. Introduce yourself but don’t be too stuffy about it.

6. Give some information about who you are — not too much, just enough to prove you’re not a serial killer.

7. Back up what you’ve told him with a bit of additional info. Make it something broad — for example, everyone has an opinion on food since everyone eats, so it’d be really easy for him to grab that topic & run with it.

8. If you think that the example you’ve used might sound a bit boring, you can always say you know it sounds boring but isn’t. It’s kind of a good fall-back position.

9. Nice & casual. It shows that you realise you’re doing an odd thing, but that you’re obviously not nuts.

10. Again, really casual. You’re not desperate for a reply, you obviously have a life, but if he’s keen, you’ve extended an invitation.

11. End on a positive note. People usually only remember the last thing they heard, so be sure to end well.

12. Don’t sign it “Love & smooches on your perfectly toned stomach”, tempting though it may be! Be cool!

Be yourself, & write it as if he’s already a friend of yours. This will help cancel out a lot of the awkwardness. Don’t be afraid to let your personality shine through either, but as this is someone you’ve never met before, it’s probably better to play it a little bit more conservative than you normally would.

Best of luck! We all have our fingers crossed for you!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Get A Job At Lush!

[ 7 April 2008, 05:06 ]

“How do I get a job at Lush Cosmetics?”

If you knew how many times I’ve been asked this question, you would laugh! Seriously, there would be major giggling. You might even guffaw. So I figured it was time to answer it en masse rather than dishing out little tips whenever I get an email like this!

I worked at Lush a few years ago, & it was the only “normal” job I ever had that I actually enjoyed. I would wake up in the morning & genuinely look forward to the work day. That is high praise! I was there for about two years, I think, & graduated from sales assistant to shop manager in about three months. I left because I had finally had my fill of retail.

So, how can you get a job there? I’m not doing their hiring, so I can’t tell you exactly, but these are my thoughts on the matter.

First of all, in my experience the people who do best at Lush (& the people who get hired & promoted fastest) are the people with oodles of self-confidence (or at least the ability to convincingly fake it)! If you’re working in retail & you don’t really enjoy relating to people, you are going to feel pretty sour about it. You’ve probably noticed that if you go into a Lush store, everyone will say hello to you or try to make conversation. You might have seen the sales assistants singing along to the stereo, or the shop manager giving a hand massage to demonstrate a product. If you start working at Lush, you’ll be one of those people! You have to be okay with talking to everyone who comes in, rubbing products into their skin & holding thousands of objects up for customers to sniff.

Lush is really not a place for shrinking violets, the nervous or anyone who feels socially inadequate or anxious. It just isn’t. It won’t work. You’ll be miserable & you won’t sell anything & it will cause a huge chain of problems. If you are more introverted than extroverted & you still want to work for Lush, you might have better luck seeking employment on the production or administrative side of things.

The best thing you can do, as a potential sales assistant, is whip up a fabulous-looking resume (use great paper, colours & your artistic flair) & then walk into your closest Lush shop with it. Don’t just heave it across the counter & run out again. Odds are good that the person on the other side of the counter is the person who has the power to hire you, so appeal to them! Wait until they’re not flat out with a customer, & then talk to them. Tell them how much you looove the products. Say you’d be really keen to work there, & explain your circumstances (full-time, part-time, student?). Allude to the fact that you are a fantastic potential workmate, with a great sense of humour & a mean cupcake recipe. Smile & be confident, be outgoing & enthusiastic about the interaction.

You already know that first impressions count. Here’s an example. When I was at Lush & looking for people to hire, I would personally throw the vast majority CV’s straight in the bin almost as soon as the person’s back was turned — because they’d just skulked in, mumbled something & run out again. I wasn’t going to hire someone like that! What good would they be? So when you go in, turn on the charm. Know that the manager is thinking that if you can’t do it now, how are you going to do it for the customers?

Honestly, I think the best way to do it is befriend the people who work at your local Lush. Drop in every now & then, have a chat, buy something, talk about the new products & ask how their day is going. Gently remind them that you’re still keen to work there. Ask them to let you know if something comes up. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, & all that. If they have someone leave or they need someone extra over Christmas, & you are in the forefront of their mind, you better believe that they’ll give you a call!

If they really have no positions — & it happens, especially in small stores — swing by in September or October, in time to be hired for the Christmas rush. The best Christmas casual employees are very commonly offered part- or full-time positions soon afterwards.

The Lush interviewing process is pretty relaxed. Be yourself, be enthusiastic, demonstrate your product knowledge. (If you don’t know much about the products, pick up a copy of the Lush Times & start learning!) Lush use all natural products & a lot of essential oils, so if you know anything about that kind of thing, don’t be afraid to let your interviewer know it. A bit of prior retail experience is a bonus, too, but it’s certainly not imperative.

If you’re invited to come in & do some trial work — & I don’t even know if they still do this — remember to be confident! Approach as many customers as you can, even if it terrifies you, because if you can’t do that, there is no way they will employ you. Just go over to people & say, “Hi, how are you doing?” Smile & be friendly. One of the classic lines Lushies use is, “Have you ever been into a Lush shop before?”, because often people will say, “Um, err, no!” which gives you free reign to jump on them & pull them from area to area & demonstrate about a billion products. Anyway, if you whip that line out, you’re practically a shoo-in. Instant employment, wink wink!

While Lush is truly an awesome place to work, the majority of jobs they have on offer are retail, & so they pay retail wages. This can be off-putting for some people, especially those of us accustomed to a high standard of living! I eventually got to a point where I wanted to earn more money & not have to stand on my feet all day to do it, which is why I left. However, Lush do have bonus schemes, incentives, training & an amazing discount. It used to be 50% when I was there, which was fantastic. (The low cost of products also encourages you to use them so you can sell better.)

They’re a very ethical company — all their products are vegetarian, a lot of them are vegan & they are committed to fair trade practises as well as giving to charity. They get named as one of the top places to work all the time, so you’re in good hands.

Lush customers are a pretty unusual lot, & your relationships with them will be similarly odd. In most high street shops, you’re lucky to be on the receiving end of a curt hello. Lush is different. People are encouraged to pick things up & try them out, have a sniff & slap a bit on. This paves the way for some interesting interactions. How do you, for example, discreetly & pleasantly tell a customer that they have glitter or powder on the end of their nose? How do you help a man pick a gift for his wife (who is angry at him)? How do you talk to someone about their spots without making them feel ugly or self-conscious?

You get the drift. It’s an unconventional role in a very unconventional company, with its own unique challenges.

I had some amazing experiences there. There was, for example, the incident on Christmas Eve — the busiest day of the retail year — where my assistant manager came to work drunk. (Oh, I can’t tell you how thrilled I was! Grimace.) There was the incessant flirting with the boys from the record store around the corner. There were choreographed dance routines to Grease performed for customers. Some of us walked around with face masks on, & some of us just slathered ourselves with glittery massage bars before the day started. We succumbed to never-ending cutting & wrapping of soap (which I still miss doing), painfully regular stock-takes & extremely short-notice flights to Australia to meet the big man himself (Mark Constantine) & sample the newest products. I got used to people in the bus stop sniffing me & asking, “Have you been at Lush?” I even developed charming responses to those who asked if working there gave me a headache (I was asked this every day, & surely if it did, I wouldn’t have worked there?!).

The main reasons I loved working at Lush were that they award their staff a lot of responsibility (which is pretty much opposite of every other company, who seem to go out of their way to disempower you), I worked with great people, it was a fairly relaxed environment & I loved their products — which made selling them an absolute joy. Not like work at all.

Good luck!

Extra For Experts:
Lush job options — have a look at current roles in the UK.
Lush couple with a shed load of ideas — the Guardian article about Mark & Mo.
Rinse & Repeat — more info about Lush.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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What Would You Wear At 40?

[ 31 March 2008, 23:05 ]

“I confess, when I shop with my 19 year-old daughter, I am so envious of the style choices she has. PLEASE do women like me a favor! How can a forty-something mom build a style without large expense (we are paying for college you know) which will look new and fresh but appropriate for our age. Remember, we don’t have the great bodies we did at your age. Classic but unexpected. Flattering. Age-appropriate but FUN! What do you see yourself wearing at 40?“

People often write to me saying that they’re x age or y weight, what do I think they should wear? It can be hard to answer questions like that, because I don’t believe that just because you’re not young or thin (the theoretical ideal), that you should have some kind of boring style prescription. I think dressing in a way that makes you happy is the most important thing, & when you’re being told what you can & can’t wear, the fun gets sucked out of it pretty quickly.

This email was different. She asked, “What do you see yourself wearing at 40?” — a much better way of phrasing things. It made my brain whirr. Of course, what I’ve come up with is my style, & therefore not necessarily suitable or even something you can picture yourself in. But it does give us a jumping off point!

Here’s what I came up with.

A simple outfit with a splash of purple. This would be great for a day off, shopping or walking my Dachshund!

40 year old Gala on her private jet. Oh yes. Secret spy woman with colour-coordinated accessories!

Black & white & super-chic. I absolutely adore this outfit. It’s just not quite the sort of thing I can pull off yet.

I think older women look so amazing in black & white. It’s so clean, & it makes them look clear-headed, intelligent & successful.

While it can be easy to feel like you’re being left out of the fun trends that your daughter is slithering into, remember that as a woman, there are a lot of things you can pull off that younger people can’t. As we grow & mature, our presence expands, & our whole way of being changes.

So as a grown woman, don’t feel limited. Think about it — while it may not be in your budget, the real high-end fashion houses make clothing for women who are your age. Not young whippersnappers! If you need some inspiration, look at fabulous women your age & see what they’re wearing. Think about Coco Chanel, Lauren Bacall, Diana Vreeland, Nicole Kidman, Iman, Julianne Moore, Kate Spade… !

I imagine that when I’m 40, my style will have evolved quite a lot. I probably won’t be so keen on super-short skirts or sleeveless tops. I envision a huge closet full of obscenely beautiful things — great coats, fabulous shoes, delicious handbags. I will probably have moved past my obsession with shoes that have springs & platforms! I can’t even begin to imagine what my hair would be like… I will probably still have a penchant for black worn with a splash of colour, & unusual jewellery.

This whole thing reminds me of “Warning” by Jenny Joseph.

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people’s gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

What do you think you’ll wear when you get older? Make a Polyvore set & link it in the comments if you’re feeling really creative!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Imitation Is The Sincerest Form Of... Flattery?

[ 25 March 2008, 21:22 ]

“I was just wondering if you would by any chance consider writing an article about people copying you/how you would deal with that? I have a friend who’s recently started copying my music tastes, saying my favourite movies are her favourite movies and the way I speak (stupid little things like saying ‘spiffy’ a lot which I do), and the way I dress to some extent. I know I should just ignore it but it’s really irritating me that she’s basically appropriating my identity. I don’t really know what to do, and I’d feel terribly awkward confronting her about it. Maybe you could please give me some advice?”

Oh honey, I’ve been there. In fact, I’ve been there with what seems like alarming regularity. You meet someone & you get along like a house on fire, but as time goes by, you can’t help but feel like something is… wrong, somehow. They love the same music & authors as you do, you have matching opinions on all kinds of issues & you’re both obsessed with the same cafe (& the barista — oh, the barista!).

One day, someone says something to you about your budding friendship, & something clicks. You start to realise that this person they are now is not who they were when you met them. In fact, if you cast your mind back a few months, you become cognizant of the fact that once they dressed completely differently, had friends who didn’t appeal to you at all & you seemingly had nothing in common. Is it just coincidence that you’re now both listening to the same albums & quoting the same movies & wearing scarves in that one particular way?

No. It isn’t. You have just become the victim of what I like to call a Personality Chaser (P.C.). Dun dun dun dunnnnnnn!

At first you might be a bit flattered, but that quickly turns to anger & a bad taste in your mouth. It’s so weird to think that maybe they’re totally different to who they are pretending to be, & for what? Your friendship? Sure, you’re cool, but not worth changing an entire personality for. What kind of person would do such a thing?

Well, a pretty normal person, actually. It’s easy to jump to the conclusion that your friend must be insecure or messed up, but really if you look a little closer at the situation, & move your anger out of the way, you can see what’s really going on.

Basically, people want to be liked. That is a universal truth. Even those people who are all bravado & crow about how they don’t care what other people think… they still want to be liked by at least a few.

You will usually run into P.C.s in your teens or early 20s, but not really much later than that. It just doesn’t seem to happen as much. So, couple a need to be liked with young, inexperienced people who haven’t seen much of the world, & it almost starts to seem unusual that this kind of thing doesn’t happen more often!

As a teenager or “young adult”, it’s normal to try lots of new things to work out what suits you & what doesn’t. How else do you ever find out? So, people experiment with sex & drugs, as well as other little things — music, clothing, interests, types of books, different friends, attitudes, make-up, hairstyles, studies, careers. So if you’re not quite sure where you’re heading, & you meet someone cool who seems to have it together, it’s pretty normal to borrow things from their life & see if you can make it work for you, too.

If you’re trying to change your behaviour for the better, I often recommend looking at your role models & thinking, ‘What would _____ do?’ It can be extremely useful to take cues from other people, because it breaks us out of our old patterns & moves us forward. It helps us to become the person we would like to be.

Of course, there is a difference between borrowing small bits here & there & snatching their entire personality. In fact, I used to know someone who, whenever he made a new friend, would change his whole way of life. What he listened to, how he dressed, who he hung out with — & this happened every six months or so. It was uncanny, & more than a little bit creepy! This is not recommended.

I’m sorry this is happening to you, because I know how frustrating it can be. It almost feels like a betrayal sometimes — you thought you knew them, & now it’s like they’re just your shadow. It’s tempting to just cut them off, tell them to stick it, go & rip off someone else. But it’s not very useful.

She is probably not even aware that she is doing it.

Your friend loves you. She thinks the sun shines from your posterior. She is probably a good person, just a bit confused or lost. Kind of like a sheep. She has been looking to you for guidance, so why not help her out?

Light a path for her. Focus on her positive attributes, & tell her what they are. Tell her all the time. Remind her how brilliant she is, & she will start to realise that she doesn’t need to pretend to be someone else. Be compassionate.

She is growing, as you are. You’re just in different places. You’re not better than her, you just have a bit more experience. So help her. Introduce her to new things, & new people. Show her what you know about the world. Try to open her eyes beyond what she sees at the moment, which is just you. Recommend avant garde movies & strange, mind-expanding books for her to digest.

It’s almost like having a child, in a way. They mimic you at first because it’s all they know, but as they go through life, they grow into their own person. It’s a beautiful thing.

If you can only change the way you approach the situation, it will enhance both your lives.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Raw Coaching With Karen Knowler

[ 21 March 2008, 17:58 ]

Karen Knowler coaches Gala Darling (MP3)

On Thursday evening I had a raw coaching call with The Raw Food Coach, Karen Knowler.

I was introduced to her by the dazzlingly wonderful Dhrumil of We Like It Raw & Give It To Me Raw fame, & I can’t say thank you enough times! Mwah!

Our phone-call went for an hour & in it we discussed some problems I was having with the raw food transition. Mostly my issues were that I had cravings for old, familiar “cooked” foods that I found hard to shake, & I felt a bit stuck for variety in food (as I’m quite a picky eater).

I expected her to be useful but not THIS useful! The phone-call was a revelation — it was absolutely amazing. Sometimes when you’re having trouble with something, having someone else there to ask the right questions is all you need, & all of a sudden your problem starts to unravel & you realise the root cause of it. Well, Karen asked me some totally brilliant questions — & I came away from the phone-call with all of my problems solved!

It was one of the most interesting phone-calls I’ve ever had, for sure. I just love getting to the bottom of a problem & gaining a deeper understanding of why I do what I do! I think anyone interested in going raw (or who is currently making alterations to their diet) will find this a really useful thing to listen to, because many of the questions she asks me you will be able to ask yourself.

We’re going to do a follow-up call in about 3 weeks time, to chart my progress & see how I’ve applied the new information! That will also be made available for you to listen to.

So, I hope you enjoy the MP3 — let me know what you think!

Oh, & for those of you who are interested, Karen sends out a weekly newsletter on Fridays called Successfully Raw, with recipes & tips for staying raw. You also get 10 raw recipes free when you sign up. Woo! Just in time for Easter Sunday! :D

I’ll be writing more about my progress over the coming weeks, so stay tuned!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Taking The High Road

[ 20 March 2008, 22:34 ]

“So I made the mistake of falling for my best friend. Which usually can be quite the beautiful thing but in this case, we drove each other mad to the point where I was slamming doors in his face and he was screaming out my window à la Streetcar Named Desire. And then some.

My initial question was, how do I salvage this friendship? I never wanted him to not be in my life, I simply thought my life could have been more full if he was my lover. However, he explicitly said he never wanted to talk to me again, so my first question is rendered useless. Since we both go to a small college, I see him on campus almost every day. And it’s gut-wrenchingly awkward (death stares on his part, turtling into my coat on my part), to the point where it almost makes me cry at times. The more appropriate query would be how do I deal with such interactions? I’ve been declining invitations to parties where I’ll know he’ll be just so I don’t have to see him more than on a path. This seems utterly ridiculous but is my current solution.”

I suppose the first thing I would say is that you shouldn’t allow his inability to be civilised to control your life. I quoted Viktor E. Frankl in a recent article, but what he said is so great that it bears repeating.

“Between stimulus & response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth & our freedom.” — Viktor E. Frankl

Basically what this means is that ultimately, you have absolute, total responsibility for the way your life goes. Other people will act however they like, you can’t change other people. But choosing to allow them to mess up your life is just that: a choice. No one has any power over you unless you give it to them. So the way that you are feeling right now is part of a choice you’ve made.

I don’t blame you for that, though. It is normal to feel the way you do. It is awful when a friendship goes awry — it can shake you to your core & leave you lying awake in the night, wracking your brains as you try to work out what you did wrong. All of this stuff is par for the course. But you & only you have the power to decide when this situation stops controlling your life. If you have a penchant for self-flagellation, you could easily allow this awkward state of affairs to continue until one or both of you leaves college — but why would you want to do that to yourself?

The best thing you can do for your own sanity & self-respect is to take the high road. That might sound kind of confusing, but here is a decoder ring to taking the high road. It means you don’t dignify the other person’s behaviour with a response.

Now, just so we’re clear — saying “I’m ignoring you now!” is a response. Yammering on about how much you “don’t care” about their behaviour to your girlfriends is a response. Rolling your eyes at them is a response, too! Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking we’re not responding when actually we are. No response means no response. It means that the offending person could dance around you naked whooping & yelling & you’d just keep walking.

Of course, it’s easier said than done. In order to get to this stage you need to do a bit of emotional heavy-lifting. You need to grieve the friendship you had — it might sound a bit dramatic, but it’s true. The end of a friendship can be a devastating thing, especially if it’s done on such horrific terms. Choose a time-frame. For example, you might choose to get a bit pouty over it for a week. Read your old email conversations, listen to your favourite songs, have a wallow. Wear black, cry, yell & carry on (err, in private!). As the week draws to a close, you’ll realise it is very much time to pack it in, get over it, switch modes. So move on.

I’d also suggest using EFT to deal with the emotional bracken surrounding the demise of your friendship. You might be feeling a barrage of conflicting emotions, such as guilt, regret, sorrow, embarrassment, anger, shame & fear, & EFT is the best way I’ve found to deal with anything like that. Click here to learn more.

Once your grieving & emotional madness is over, it’s over. There’s no looking back. Well, there is if you want to, but there’s not much point. (“Don’t torture yourself, Gomez! That’s my job.”) You just need to get on with your life.

Hold your head up high — don’t respond to his Super High Drama Factor behaviour. Go out & have fun! Go to any parties you like — whether he is there or not. Kick ass in your exams. Have a Spring romance. Buy a devastating new lipstick. Discover some new bands. Go on a road-trip. Start writing a novel. Paint your bedroom.

It’s your life, & it always has been. Even when he was temporarily holding the reins, it was still yours. You can shape it so that it is anything you want. We are only ever limited by our own perceptions — I hope that’s as great a comfort to you as it is to me.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Problem Skin

[ 17 March 2008, 17:15 ]

“My skin has really been getting me down lately – I’m 15 and it was perfect before getting spots a few years ago. Now, it’s a disaster. I’ve got enlarged pores, under-skin spots (that never surface and don’t hurt), an un-even skin tone and very minor acne marks/scars. How can I get my perfect skin back? Has it been ruined? I use M·A·C Studio Fix, but on my problem skin it just looks caked on and obvious so I don’t wear it too often… I cleanse, tone and moisturise with Simple products and exfoliate once a week. My diet isn’t bad at all either – I eat quite a lot of fruit and veg and hardly any sugar but I still break out. One thing I can think of is I do smoke… Could this cause such a problem with my skin? If so – I’m quitting starting today!”

Well, I would say that the biggest contributor to your spots at the moment is hormones. You’re 15, which is pretty much when your raging hormones are at their peak. Unfortunately, as a teenager, there’s not much you can do about that — they have to run their course. The good news is that being a teenager doesn’t last forever, so in a few years you should be back to your fabulous self.

Having said that, if you want to make your concealer look a bit more natural, use primer on your face first, then dab it on any offending areas & blend it like mad. It is easiest to do this with a brush. If you have spots, remember to clean your brushes regularly or you might just spread more bacteria around!

It sounds like you’re doing pretty good things for your skin, but a couple of minor tweaks should improve things a lot. You still might get spots, but this will make it easier for your body to deal with them. They won’t last as long & they will clear up more easily.

Here’s my guide to clearing up problem skin!

Get super-hydrated & eat more vegetables & fruit — raw if possible
All that stuff about how “you are what you eat” is 100% true. If you eat & drink things that are good for your body, rather than what is just cheap/easy/quick, you will see it manifest physically through your skin & body.

Lots of water doesn’t keep the outside of your skin moist, but it does keep your insides hydrated — & it’s hard to look beautiful when the inside of your body is desperately fighting off corn syrup, caffeine & alcohol! You really can’t drink enough water (unless you’re one of those demented frat boys who has water-chugging competitions!), so keep a huge glass or bottle by your side & fill it constantly. Yes, you will go to the bathroom a lot, but every time you do that, water is passing through your system & clearing out toxins. It all results in a happier body, clearer mind & cheerier disposition! Just call me I.P. Freely!

Raw fruit & vegetables are full of water, fibre & protein (as well as about a billion other great things), & eating them in decent quantities will make you feel & look absolutely phenomenal. It’s no coincidence that my skin is perfect when I eat raw. Eating fruit or vegetables in their natural form is best for you, since it preserves the most nutrients. If you cook them too much, you destroy most of the good stuff, so if you can’t hack it raw, try lightly steaming or quickly stir-frying them instead. If you want to transition to raw, it’s not that hard — & I’m going to write an article on it soon!

You might also want to look into giving dairy the flick: a study of almost 50,000 women showed that drinking milk increases the risk of severe acne. Major acne was 22% more prevalent in the group of women sampled who had the highest intake of dairy (more than 3 glasses of milk a day). This is most likely because the steroid hormones & other components in dairy suppress your immune system, meaning it can’t fight infections. Ouch!

They say happiness is an inside job. I strongly believe that beauty is, too.

Make sure you wash your pillowcase regularly
Think about it — you press your face against that sucker all night, every night! If it’s covered in sweat, old make-up & god knows what other bodily fluids, of course that is going to create problems! There’s no point in washing your face before you go to bed if you’re just going to bury it in a pile of filth for the next 8 hours! Okay, so, you get my point. Wash your pillowcase! When was the last time you did? I don’t think anyone really does it often enough. Chuck it in the washing machine at least once a week.

You might like to investigate your washing powder, too — get the gentlest thing you can, because harsh cleaners might aggravate your skin, too.

Cleanse, tone & moisturise every day, & exfoliate once or twice a week
You’ve all heard this before, but it’s really important. Go & get yourself some proper skincare products — you heard me! No soap! Dear god, no soap! The skin on your face is delicate & it’s the first place to show age, so you need to take care of it! Don’t come crying to me when you have an “it bag” where your face should be!

What you use will be different depending on your skin-type, but here are some ideas. I love my routine at the moment & don’t want to alter it at all. In the morning I use Simple Purifying Cleansing Lotion, apple cider vinegar + purified water, Christian Dior Capture Essential serum (face & eyes) & Nivea Soft. In the evening I remove my make-up with a baby wipe & moisturise again.

If you’re keen to change up your products, read How To Adopt A New Skincare Routine!

Use AHAs
AHA stands for alpha hydroxy acid, & yes, it is actually acid. While it sounds crazy to use it on your face, the sort you buy from beauty spas & pharmacies has a very low concentration. It works as an exfoliator, & helps get rid of the old dead cells. It improves the appearance of wrinkles, roughness & mottled pigmentation, as well as giving you a smoother over-all look.

I occasionally use a product by Ultraceuticals called Even Tone Serum & when I use it, I can definitely see the difference. It helps stop a spot dead in its tracks!

You should know, though, that if you’re using AHAs on a regular basis you must wear sunscreen, as using them makes you more susceptible to the sun’s effects. Of course, you should be using sunscreen anyway, but even moreso if you’re an AHA kid!

Quit smoking!
Smoking is terrible for the skin. As well as causing impotence & well, death, it also ages you like mad. The cumulative effect of inhaling all those chemicals is that the tiny blood vessels in the outermost layer of the skin get constricted. This decreases blood flow enormously, as well as starving the skin of oxygen & nutrients. This damages the elastin & collagen in your skin, meaning you lose strength & elasticity. So your skin will hang down & be all droopy, & there’s nothing you can do about it!

Additionally, people who smoke always make the same movements with their face when they do it — so they might purse their lips when they inhale or squint their eyes to stop smoke from going in them. Doing this repeatedly causes wrinkles — not pretty ones, either. You will end up with a mouth like a cat’s bum! Not luscious!

There’s nothing wrong with having an occasional cigarette, but if you’re smoking regularly & often, you will look aged way before your time. No one wants that.

Don’t pick!
Don’t pick, squeeze or otherwise frig about with your face. If you have an ugly pimple brewing, chuck some AHA at it, but if that doesn’t seem to quell the beastie, you have permission to squeeze it. Just make sure you do it with clean hands, & make sure you remove any last traces of anything yucky that you might have smeared about. Read this for the low-down on popping a pimple.

I’m grossing myself out! Remind me never to write about this again!

See a dermatologist
This should be the last thing you do if nothing else works — I am all for natural (& free!) solutions to problems! However, there are a lot of people who finally visit a dermatologist after years of horrific acne & swear that it changed their life. From what I understand, you usually need a referral from your doctor, but after that it is smooth sailing.

Having said that, before you start a course of treatment, I would recommend that you always research the side effects of anything prescribed to you. It might disturb you to find out that there is a link between using Roaccutane, depression & suicide, for example. Have a read of Some Side Effects Of Acne Medications & this article from The Daily Mail, get informed & make your own decisions.

Here’s to spot-free fabulousness! Ring-a-ding-ding!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Themed Outfits For Intellectuals

[ 16 March 2008, 21:10 ]

I recently had a girl write to me, saying that she was sick of wearing jeans to university every day, & could I please come up with some potential outfits for her to wear? When she added, “Maybe they could be themed according to what people were studying”, a light-bulb went off in my head & I thought, YES! Yes! I WILL do that for you! It’s too great a concept not to.

For the meticulous chemistry student! Wow them with your knowledge of the periodic table & love of heavy metal(s)!

For the zany photography student! Sparkly shoes that catch the light can be used as an impromptu bounce flash!

For the excitable make-up artist in training! T-shirt with snide saying proves your devotion to the art!

For the miniature archaeologist! Perfect for those of you who only ever listen to The Bangles & make terrible jokes!

How does King Tut’s secretary answer his calls?
“He can’t talk right now, he’s all wrapped up!”

For the fledgling illustrator! Ahhhh… this outfit makes me want to be an artist.

Do you ever dress on theme for what you’re studying? I’d love to see a nutritionist wearing a t-shirt by Johnny Cupcakes... someone at police training college wearing a clip-on moustache… or a literature major wearing Busted’s Prose Before Hos tee!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Make Friends

[ 11 March 2008, 20:43 ]

“i find myself in the terribly common, but still terribly sucky, position of being truly on my own for the first time in the Real World and feeling like i’m failing to handle it. i’ve lived away from home for years, but that was for college and busy internships. it is quite different when the only thing you’ve got going in your life is a dumb impersonal job when you are used to having lots of assignments and structure. you’ve wonderfully addressed the question of “i want a job i actually like”; now, i’m wondering if you can address the fact that it can be really hard to build a social life in the real world. i am bored and really lonely, and i find this makes me do bad things. i either stay in all day watching television shows or i go out and spend WAY to much money, trying to fill the hole with stuff instead of people. how do you do it? how do you meet people when you are broke and can’t afford to take classes in dance or yoga or anything — and moreover, when you feel like you’re pretty picky about who you find interesting?

the plus side is that i have a future of non-boredom to look forward to. i’ve been accepted to a prestigious PhD program that i’m really thrilled about, and i haven’t any doubt that when i move away to attend it in 6 months that the boredom and loneliness will melt away. but i know that simply cutting myself off right now and resigning myself to misery until i leave is not the answer, nor will it help me in the long run when i’m really done with school forever. so. you’ve been out of school for many years. how do you meet and keep great friends?”

I have written a couple of articles on this subject: Workplace Friendships, Being The New Kid & How To Settle Into A City (Part One: Social). The thing is, making friends is always something that can use more work. We could all enjoy the company of someone new.

So, my nonpareils, I give the floor to you. How do you make (& keep) friends?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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What To Wear To A Job Interview

[ 10 March 2008, 21:47 ]

“I was turned down for a job yesterday, to my face the woman said “I would not possibly think of hiring you, you do not have the correct presentation for my office, you should really invest in a suit if you want to make it into the corporate world”. I wore a white shirt and black pants, I did not wear the suit jacket solely because I caught the train and it was 30 degrees. My Mum thought I looked good (that’s not very reliable though) and I loved the shoes and earrings I wore so I even did a daily outfit photo but then I was shot down by this woman.”

Just a quick warning: all of what I’m about to say runs in absolute opposition to what I normally write about — I think individualism is really important! But sometimes you need an office job, so here we go!

First of all, don’t let her get you down! She sounds a bit miserable, so you’re better off not working for her anyway. However, she does have a point.

Reverse the roles in your mind. Imagine you’re a middle-aged woman running a department of an office. You have maybe 20 people under you & you’re looking for someone to fill the shoes of a woman who left recently. All your staff are pretty good — you’ve hand-picked them yourself, they all behave quite well & more to the point, they all look pretty much the same. There is one woman who works on reception who is predisposed to the odd piece of statement jewellery, but mostly they all wear a sort of uniform. If you walk in wearing something wild, you don’t fit that mould — & you’re less likely to be hired. However, if you walk in looking like everyone else, you have better chances.

The number one piece of advice I’d give you is that you should dress as if you already have the job — so don’t dress up too much or anything like that, just dress to fit in with everyone else. But walk in with the attitude that you’re pretty much expecting to find out how much they’re going to pay you & when you’ll start.

If you have absolutely no idea what the dress code of the place is, you can go undercover & loiter around outside the building at lunch-time a couple of days before your interview. You’ll see all the employees walking in & out, talking & eating, & you’ll get an inkling of what the company culture is like. Then you can dress to fit in.

Of course, what you wear will depend on the sort of job you’re applying for, but if you’re going for a standard, corporate office job, a suit jacket & a skirt are your best bet. Even if it’s really hot, you need to at least carry your suit jacket — or just sling it on just before you walk into the building. Most offices are air conditioned so you won’t suffer too much! While I tend to think suits are horrendously boring (I had to wear one when I worked at a bank), they do show that you fit in & anyone in charge of hiring will tend to think that you’re more “serious” if you have one on.

Here’s a great prospective outfit for a job interview.

Essential elements:
Stockings. Bare legs are a no-no. Wear black sheer stockings rather than opaques.
Suit jacket (even if you only put it on at the last moment) & a suit skirt.
A good shirt. It doesn’t need to have a collar on it — you could wear a good quality cotton round- or v-neck shirt instead.
Low high heels. Anything too high makes you look too snazzy & frivolous!
A good bag. No satchels or backpacks.
Simple jewellery, if at all. A fine chain around your neck, simple earrings or a plain ring are good choices — nothing too jangly or distracting.
Clean hair & a good hairstyle. If you have long hair, make sure it looks neat.
Clean nails! If your nailpolish looks a bit ratty, remove it. I think good natural nails always look more professional than anything else.

Things I have worn to interviews for jobs I didn’t get:
Combat boots worn with suit jacket & suit skirt. Do not do this.
A scarf over my head. Half my hair was shaved off at the time, so it seemed like the best option. The interviewer gave me a really hard time about it & said I was “rude” for doing so.
A big red Emily Strange hoodie with my skirt.
Multiple lip piercings.

Things I have worn to interviews for jobs I did get:
A black suit with a black & white collared shirt.
A black round-neck top with a business skirt & a freshwater pearl necklace.
A black pleated skirt with a white business shirt, black stockings & black heels.

Lots of black! Really, the more understated your clothing the better.

The best way to think of it is that you should dress in such a way that your personality & skills are what come through, not your love for flamboyant shoes or your penchant for neon nailpolish.

Good luck!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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The New New Romantics

[ 4 March 2008, 00:31 ]

[Guest post by Audrey.]

“I’m usually nervous around girls, but finally worked up the courage to talk to a girl I like and asked her out. Now we have plans to do something next week, and I have no idea what to do or where to take her. Help!”

It would seem that I caused a furore a little while ago with my article on How To Be A Gentleman, and quite by surprise too. For the longest time, I was of the opinion that guys were just a little scared of using their manners, but I never realised the level this fear had reached. Amongst other things, I covered in that article how to be nice and respectful to a perfect stranger and even break the ice. I’m now being turned to for advice on the next step once you have a girl’s attention: the dreaded first date.

Understandably, preparations for a first date are a time of extreme nervousness and worry. First impressions do, in fact, count. Ask any couple if they remember the instant they saw their partner for the very first time and I bet they remember all sorts of minute details. So of course, you’ll need to make sure you’re looking and smelling your best when the night in question rolls around. However, planning a date actually requires starting at the end and planning backwards, so you first need to work out what you’re going to do and then organise accordingly.

Coming up with some sort of activity is the hardest part. I remember the first time I actually had a date after I got out of a very long term relationship a few years back. It was with a girl I barely knew — we had just met and hadn’t really talked yet. Young and naive, I took her on the regulation dinner-and-movie date and it was such a disaster. There was forced, awkward conversation over a boring dinner at an ordinary café. We sat quite uncomfortably next to each other at the cinema and watched the movie. And predictably, it ended in even more awkward stammering and actions when I dropped her home afterwards. Needless to say, she never returned my phone-call for a second date!

Learn from my mistakes, gentleman! That kind of formal, rigid first-date stuff doesn’t cut it any more, so don’t just dinner-and-movie-date her and think you’re rocking her world! If you think you might like this girl, spend some time seeing what will make the date fun and enjoyable. What is she into? What does she like? You want the date to be fun, it’s as simple as that. As long as she has a good time and you both laugh and enjoy yourselves, it will be a success. This is where some subtle homework will help you out.

Since you’ve asked this girl out, I’m going to assume that you’ve at least had a reasonable amount of conversation with her, and not just blurted out an invite to some random girl at a bar you thought you felt a connection with. I have to say that I wouldn’t recommend pulling out all the stops for a really romantic date with someone you’ve just met. Casually catching up with her away from the flowing alcohol and blaring dance music is a much better way to get to know each other before you decide whether you’d like to spend more time as something more than friends. I think actual dates should be reserved for people you have a proven connection with. And this first, informal step is where you’ll get your inspiration for your real “date”.

I’m frankly a little reluctant to give you the following piece of advice, but in this modern day it is a viable (and very common) option. if you want to learn more about them to make sure a date is going to be special or to draw some inspiration of what they like, you can always have a quick peek at their Myspace or Facebook profile. These sites can be good to double-check their taste in music, beliefs and politics. It can be very useful to look them up and see, for example, that her political or religious views are completely opposite to yours — thus saving you the embarrassment and uncomfortable silences when you actually spend time together. Just try and keep an open mind – opposites attract as they say. Don’t write her off straight away just because she has written something strange like “Recycling sucks!” on her profile. Maybe she’ll open your mind and you’ll learn new things.

Please though, promise me you won’t overdo it and become some psycho online stalker. It’s perfectly acceptable to have a quick poke around to check some details, but it’s something else all together to have snooped around all her photos, memorised her list of favourite authors, checked out her friends and made notes of her in-jokes. Chill out a bit — if you go overboard, sites like these can really kill the mystery. I think the best part of dating someone new and those first few months is getting to learn about them, hearing stories and building a relationship. You get to meet the special people in their lives, discover you both have a secret love of an obscure band, that kind of thing. Doing too much homework is going to completely destroy all of these awesome things, and you’ll come across as a really, really creepy guy — even if it’s just that you were a bit overly enthusiastic.

So, Casanova, still no ideas? Here are some suggestions: maybe there’s something you know she’ll be keen on. And I’d love to hear from the nonpareils and get their tips on great first dates.

Make a picnic and take her to an awesome park in autumn. Eat great food and jump in piles of leaves.
Hire two bikes and find a lake or nice part of the city to ride around (could incorporate the picnic!).
Weather permitting, buy a huge ice cream sundae and share it.
Look up if your city has a ‘Cinema in the Park’ event over summer and let her pick the movie.
If she’s an artistic gal, take her to the local gallery and ask her to pick her favourite pieces.
Buy two tickets for a band that’s coming that you happen to know she likes. Bonus points if you snag an autograph for her!

Whatever you do, just make sure it’s something memorable, interesting and fun. Something that allows her to be herself, while also allowing her to see the real you. Good luck!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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iCiNG Podcast Featuring Simon!

[ 23 February 2008, 07:14 ]

iCiNG Podcast Featuring Simon! (MP3)
Click the link to listen now, or right-click to save & listen later!

I have had a couple of requests for podcasts recently, so I enlisted my boyfriend to help me out. Here we respond to an email I received recently from a girl dealing with… well, being a teenager.

Hope you enjoy it!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Coming Out To Homophobes

[ 22 February 2008, 00:00 ]

“I’m bisexual, have had past secret relationships with females and I haven’t told anyone except my boyfriend, who I know is one of the most open minded people out there. Do you know how I could tell my parents, friends and other people I know? My parents make fun of gay/bi/lesbian people. My friends stopped hanging out with one of our close friends because she told them she is a lesbian and another one because she is bi. How could you just stop hanging out with one of your friends after they told you probably one of their most in depth secrets? Also, my school isn’t exactly the most friendly towards the openly gay people or even those who “look” gay. So can you help me figure a way to come ermm – halfway out of the closet – with these people without making them spaz out and shun me?”

Oh, honeypuff. I don’t envy you your situation at all.

First of all, it sounds like you know that your friends are kind of messed up. I honestly can’t fathom writing someone off just because of their sexual preference — it boggles my mind. You sound like you too are shocked & appalled & a little disturbed by their behaviour. & yet you still want to come out to them.

I understand this. It’s human nature to want to share our secrets, to unload burdens, to communicate the rare parts of ourselves. Why else do you think gossip is such a huge part of most people’s lives? So, I get it — I understand your conflict.

But really, the big question is this: Do they actually need to know about your secret sapphism? Once you know the answer to that, you will pretty much know how to proceed. It all hinges on that decision.

I know that it’s pretty weird & heavy to have this past that no one is aware of, & I think it’s important for us to be honest about who we are. But given their past responses to these kinds of things, don’t you think that telling them is kind of a big risk?

This might sound mean, but if they’ve dropped your other friends for being bi or lesbian, what makes you think that your situation will be any different?

Having said that, I have no idea about the context of your situation. Maybe you subconsciously know that it’s time to move on from your friends, & you think that coming out is the best way to get rid of them quickly. If that’s the case, then you might as well do it. Just make it snappy!

On the other hand, if you do actually still want to be friends with them, you already know what’s going to happen when you say “I like girls!”. Odds are extremely high that they are going to flip out & stop speaking to you. You might be able to salvage some of the friendships but on the other hand, maybe not. The best predictor of the future is the past, & all that. I think that if you do really intend on coming out to them, you should also start scouting for new buddies. Pronto.

I could give you some tips for coming out, but we can’t control other people — only the way we behave. It doesn’t matter how you phrase it, your friends are going to react in a way that is consistent with their beliefs (& their experience). They sound like the sort that will go from shocked to confused to scorn-tastic in the blink of an eye. Which, quite frankly, sucks.

I think you really have two choices.
1. Remain a girl lover on the down-low, keep your friends in the dark & enjoy their friendship. Until you fall in love with a woman who doesn’t want to date a secret lesbian.
2. Tell them the truth & find some new friends.

I know that I would personally feel very uncomfortable knowing that my so-called ‘friends’ would drop me if they found out that I wasn’t straight as an arrow & planning on moving to the suburbs to live in heterosexual bliss with my very masculine husband & 2.3 children. I mean — what? How can a friendship continue when you know that heterosexuality is the only thing that hinges you together? That’s so weird! Time to move on, I think.

As for your parents — well, your parents are a whole different kettle of fish. I would hope that because you’re their child, they might react differently. But, sadly, it’s not guaranteed. Again — while honesty is cool, do they need to know? If your current relationship ends & you fall head over heels for your minxy tennis instructor, maybe that would be a better time to bring it up.

I would love to say, “Tell them & who cares about the haters!”, but I think to do so would be irresponsible. In an ideal world, we would all be upfront about our sexuality & who we are, but from what I’ve seen, I don’t think the world is quite evolved to that point yet. I always endorse being true to yourself & never being ashamed of who you are — but if you live in a small country town where they seem to regard abusing gay or “weird” kids as some kind of amateur sport, you really need to weigh it up in your own mind. I guess I would say that being real & true is important, but being safe should always be your first priority.

I hope this helps. Good luck! & nonpareils — what do you think?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Make A T-Shirt More Interesting

[ 18 February 2008, 07:13 ]

“I told you a while ago that I spent a long time wearing nothing but jeans and t-shirts, the unisex kind you buy at concerts. After I started developing a personal style, I tossed out all the old threadbare and gross ones, but since music is such a big part of my life, I do have a fair number of oversized band t-shirts that I’d like to wear in a less teenage-boy kind of way.

“So many of these shirts are really great and have such strong, eye-catching designs, and if I had the body for it, I’d wear them with cropped jackets and skinny-jeans, but I’m a hippy dippy size 10, meaning that skinny jeans aren’t actually the greatest look for me and cropped jackets make it seem like I have a huge gut. Which I don’t! So can you help a girl out?”

I can’t/don’t wear skinny jeans either, so I feel your pain!

Here’s what I team with t-shirts: Maxi-skirts. Capri pants. Jeans (bootcut or flared). Tartan skirts. High-waisted skirts. Cardigans. Leggings. Shorts. Dresses (worn underneath). When it’s colder I wear long-sleeved cotton tees underneath them for more texture & colour. It also helps stop you looking like a big blob if your t-shirt is oversized!

I like to make an effort to dress up my t-shirts because while I do love vintage tees, it’s very easy for it to move into messy or unkempt territory, & that’s not usually a look I relish. I like to tie a scarf around my neck, pull my hair back, wear good shoes (rather than my beaten-up old boots) & keep my make-up quite clean. I feel like that helps bring it into more classy territory. It’s very hard to beat a great vintage tee, jeans which fit immaculately & a flattering pair of heels.

Since you have so many big shirts, you might like to compensate for their size by wearing a cardigan that buttons at the waist (to pull your shape inwards) or buckling a belt around your midriff. I often wear a studded belt slung around my hips to break up a black outfit. It depends on where you want to draw attention, though — the eye is always drawn to any horizontal lines in your outfit, so keep that in mind.

You might also want to look into leather jackets — not a cropped one, just a normal waist length one with cool shoulder details. Push up the sleeves & throw on a scarf & ROCK it!

But I admit, I am not much of a t-shirt wearer! Nonpareils, I give you the floor! What do you like to wear with your favourite t-shirt? How do you make it look stylish?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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A Passionless Marriage

[ 14 February 2008, 22:33 ]

I received this email today.

“I am 27 years old and married. I have been married for four years. He is a lovely man. Kind, considerate, funny, sweet, smart, he has a fantastic career, is hard working. Really, I couldn’t ask for a better husband. But for the last six months, all I can think about is getting out. We haven’t had sex in months and months. I don’t feel attracted to him at all any more, in fact the idea of being with him makes my skin crawl. We barely even kiss. I still love him. He is my best friend, but I am pretty positive that I’m not in love with him. There is no passion. Lately, he has been travelling a lot for work and I’ve been relishing the time to myself because I don’t have to keep up the façade that everything is okay. I don’t miss him at all. And lately, all I can think about is flirting with, kissing and having sex with other men.

“I was so in love when I got married and I really believed I would feel that way forever but now I realise that I was young and naive. I don’t want to be a divorcee in my 20s. I feel like so many people will be let down if this doesn’t work out. And the worst part is that the thought of breaking his heart crushes me. In some ways I would rather stay with him forever than break up with him and hurt him.”

The first & most important thing is that you stop worrying about other people’s perceptions of you. They are an illusion. No one ever really knows what people think about them, so you will doing yourself a huge favour if you can let that stuff go. (EFT is great for this.) Think about the people you admire, whoever they might be: Madonna, Prince, Donald Trump, Anna Wintour. None of these people are perfect, but do you honestly think they spend time worrying about what the public thinks about them? No. People who allow their fears about other people to control the way they live their life are destined for misery. It’s that whole “What would the neighbours think?!” mindset but on a huge, life-destroying scale. Let it go.

When it comes to your husband… well… sometimes we have to hurt people to help them. Be honest with yourself: do you think, if he knew your true feelings, that he would actually want to be tethered to a woman who only stays with him out of pity or fear? How about if the situation was reversed? What would you want him to do? Remember that your life is yours alone — you are the creator & destroyer, & you wield absolute power. You can make your life a dream or a nightmare — it all hinges on your actions & beliefs.

What you’re going through with your husband is more complicated than you & I can get into here. There are a few things I can suggest, however.

Recognise the “honeymoon period” for what it is
At the start of all relationships, there is a dizzying high. A lot of people liken falling in love to being in the grips of a frantic drug addiction. Your lover is all you can think about, you get enraged if anyone else interferes, & you spend what seems like a lifetime counting down the days until you can get your fix of them. Eventually though, this wears off. That doesn’t mean you’re not in love any more, just that it’s not the absolute centre of your universe. That’s normal. The thing is, some people expect that being in a relationship means that you’re floating on a cloud, blissed out, all day, every day. It’s not like that! Once you get past the ecstasy of new love, it can be pretty mundane at times! You learn about people’s flaws & reality starts to sink in. You learn to love one another despite all that stuff, & the bond you build strengthens your relationship immeasurably. The point is: relationships aren’t always exciting. They aren’t always earth-shaking. & they don’t have to be in order to be “good”.

Think about the situation
What happened that spelled the end of your passion? Your immediate thought might be “I don’t know”, but if you ask yourself the question & allow it to gestate in your brain for a little bit, you’ll probably have a flash of inspiration in a day or so, & you’ll know.

It’s possible that you’ve just lost your mutual spark, but it’s also quite likely that there is something more going on. Maybe he did something that reminded you of someone who hurt you, & you shut down to protect yourself. Perhaps his actions irritate or enrage you. Maybe you lust after a deeper intellectual connection. Perhaps the two of you just aren’t compatible — all of these things are possible, but you really need to get down to the root of the problem. Otherwise, even if you leave him & find someone else, it’s likely that you’ll see the same thing happen further down the track.

Where do you do your best thinking? While walking, in the bath, on the bus? Put yourself in that situation & really nut out the problem. The big question is: do you actually want to patch things up with your husband, or do you really & truly want out? Your answer to that problem will determine your best course of action. If you want to work things out with him, try doing the rest of the things mentioned in this article. If you want to get out, then be honest with him & split. There is no point in drawing it out. If not now, when? (Et cetera.)

Talk to him
If people truly knew how to communicate their needs to one another, there would be far fewer relationship breakdowns. The reason things are all turgid & ugly at the moment is because you’re not talking to each other — not explaining yourselves in a way the other person can understand. You really need to start communicating with him. If you haven’t had sex in months, it’s pretty likely he has some thoughts on that! Find out what they are. You might find that he feels the same way about you — or that he is hurt & feels rejected. Talking over those things is a major step in the right direction, & at least he will know that you want to remedy the situation.

Consider seeing a therapist
If you can’t work out why you’re feeling like this, sometimes it is really useful to talk to an objective professional. The good ones know how to ask the right questions & help you realise what’s actually going on. You might want to take your husband along, but you don’t have to.

Use EFT
I know that I say people should use EFT for everything but that’s because it’s the best problem-solver (okay, it’s actually more of a problem eraser) I’ve ever come across. Tap on the fact that you don’t want to sleep with your husband. Tap on the fact that you don’t feel any passion. Tap on him making your skin crawl. Tap on your desire to find passion elsewhere. & most importantly, tell yourself that you forgive & love yourself regardless. You might find that just doing this brings your passion & desire back.

Don’t do anything rash
Going out & sleeping with someone else is never the answer! I promise. Sleeping with someone new will confuse you & make reconciliation between you & your husband a lot more difficult. Even the best sex in the world isn’t worth the way it will make you feel afterwards — sex lasts a while but guilt lasts a lot longer.

You might also want to think about why you want to have sex with someone else so badly. Do you crave intimacy? Do you feel like you need validation from these men? Does having sex make you feel powerful or boost your ego? Or is it just an urge? Use your brain & be honest with yourself. If you can work out the real reason why you want other men, you might have the key to your problems right there.

Seriously, it sounds like your husband is amazing, & if you guys aren’t having sex & he isn’t angry, resentful or sleeping with someone else, he is worth his weight in gold. A keeper, as they say. Worth hanging on to. Get my drift?

It’s your life & you can live it how you want to. But you need to take some kind of action. Life is too wonderful to stay with someone you’re not amazed by — & love is too precious to be thrown away thoughtlessly.

Good luck!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Argyle S.O.S.!

[ 6 February 2008, 23:41 ]

“I got an argyle sweater for Christmas from my uncle and it’s cashmere (my love) but my sister keeps asking me for it. I usually give her things that I don’t wear and well, I don’t wear argyle but I refuse to give it up to her. She keeps throwing at me the plain excuse that argyle isn’t for a girl with my style (my closet is full of handmade one of a kind pieces with sequins, tulle, crazy colors and crazy designs). I always know how to make something different, we’ve had same clothes a lot of times and I always made sure I looked different than she did. Therefore, I HAVE TO do the same this time. It’s been a month and half and I haven’t come up with any ideas. It’s like I have the equivalent of writer’s block for fashionistas! I need help. And I know that if you can’t come up with anything, then all hope is lost. If it helps the sweater is gray, the triangles are pale pink and white and a darker pink.”

Oh! You’re in luck. I LOVE argyle, & your sweater sounds gorgeous! Gray & pink cashmere, yum! I decided to plunge the depths of Polyvore & here’s what I came up with! I hope it sparks your synapses!

Argyle sweater worn with heart earrings, bangles by Jessica Kagan Cushman & a bright pink pashmina. Shimmy into some Superfine skinny jeans, a pink studded belt & strut your stuff in wild pink pumps!

Argyle sweater worn with D&G leather jacket, pink heart scarf (around neck or over head) & Vivienne Westwood asymmetric skirt. Accessorise with a fuschia clutch, Tom Ford sunglasses, pink lips & nails, a mirror ball necklace & a pink padlock cuff. Top off with hot boots like these Chloe leather ankle boots & you’re done!

Argyle sweater worn with grey shorts, net stripe stockings & a beautiful pair of Louboutins. Fill your fluoro shopper with colour-coordinated books & a pink purse, sling a cutie pie necklace around your neck & cover up with a fabulous coat!

Good luck showing your sister who’s boss!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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EFT Tips & Tricks

[ 6 February 2008, 13:37 ]

So many of you are using EFT now, & it makes me deliriously happy! It’s a wonderfully empowering thing to know that you can actually get rid of your problems, & not stew in their juices for the rest of your life. I have had quite a few questions about EFT recently so I thought I’d address a bunch of them in one go. Let me know if you have any additional queries!

“I don’t know if I’m actually “doing it right”, if that makes sense. I do the whole tapping my head, eyebrows, under-eyes, under nose, between chin & lips, chest, side of chest, under chest… but it somehow doesn’t feel like enough! How many sessions do you recommend for one problem? Should a whole sequence of the above be on one over-arching issue or can I tap out completely different things?”

(FYI, the points are: top of head, start of eyebrows, side of eyes, under eyes, under nose, under mouth, collar bones, chest, side of chest, wrists!)

For some reason, I am able to tap out issues in just a couple of rounds (top of head down to wrists), but it wasn’t always that way. When I first started out & was dealing with some really big problems, I would do many many rounds on one problem, or even on one aspect of a problem. Sometimes I would go around tapping for ten rounds to clear something out. The general rule, however, is just to keep tapping until you feel the problem shift or move. I often find that if I’m tapping on something, I know it’s gone when I can’t remember what I was tapping on, or I start to laugh, or I feel no emotional attachment to the problem anymore. You will feel some kind of change if you’re doing it properly. If it doesn’t feel like it’s budging, try approaching it from a different angle or saying something else — even if it’s just “Even though EFT isn’t working & I feel like a moron doing this”. Say what you feel.

It can be tempting to tap on three things at once (“I’m fat, I’m ugly, I’m demotivated”), but it’s hard to get any traction if you’re thinking about too many things at once. If you feel like you have a laundry list of problems, write them down on paper so you’re not trying to keep track of them in your head, & then tap through them one by one, crossing them off as you go. Remember that detail is everything, so the more you say or feel, the better results you will get.

Try not to be afraid to go to dark places — allow your mind to go wherever it needs to. Often the problems we have on the surface (not concentrating in school) are related to deeper things from our past (parents always told you you’d be a failure). Tapping is like unpeeling an onion — sometimes it takes a while to get right down to the core of a problem, but it’s worth it!

“Basically I have a tremendous phobia of the dentist and I’ve got a problem with one of my teeth that I’ve been putting off for months now. It’s gotten to the point where I’m living off of painkillers just to dull the pain. Which obviously sucks. I won’t bore you with the details but I had some pretty horrible experiences with a dentist when I was little (I’m fairly sure it would amount to malpractice). I’ve changed dentist now but the fear remains. Do you think I would benefit from EFT? Can EFT work on phobias? And how would you recommend I go about it?”

Yes, EFT is fantastic for getting rid of phobias! Here are some articles on the main EFT site about dentist phobia: 1, 2, 3 & 4. A lot of those people have had the same kind of issue as you & they’ve explained how they’ve used tapping to remove their fears & memory of the trauma.

I think the best thing to do is sit down somewhere quiet, grab a sheet of paper & start making a list of reasons about why you’re afraid of going to the dentist. If that doesn’t work, you might like to try remembering what happened the time(s) that scared you off — as you play that “movie” in your head, you don’t need to speak, just tap around the points. But basically, think of all the individual pieces that add up to this fear. Past experience, pain, immobilisation, whatever — just tap out each thing.

It is absolutely possible to have no fear of going to the dentist & to have a complete turnaround in terms of how you see the situation (“he’s a horrible man who wants to hurt me” versus “he’s an educated dude who is helping me take care of my health”). I would also strongly suggest tapping on forgiving yourself for what happened all those years ago — you were a kid & it was not your fault. Lots of love to you.

“I’ve been having allergy problems for forever, but since I’ve gone to college they have been 5x worse and now have crossed the line into asthma. That, and all the stress of school and not eating properly has got me feeling down lately, which doesn’t help. But I am still at a loss for where to start — so I was wondering, if you didn’t mind telling me, what sort of things you tapped on to help with your asthma? I’m hoping to start tapping on that and work my way to other issues I’ve been having.”

My asthma had been a problem for me since I was about 7. I used to use a preventative inhaler every day & my actual inhaler probably every day or second day. I don’t know when exactly or why it started, but my father always had asthma too so maybe I just expected that I would suffer from it too. I actually inherited the unholy trinity of asthma, eczema & hayfever from him, none of which I have problems with now. Okay, all of that aside, here’s how I dealt with my asthma!

Asthma was actually the first thing I tapped on. My boyfriend was using EFT for emotional things & making great progress & I thought it was total bunk, so I decided that I would try it on something that would give me a definite, measurable result. Asthma was an obvious choice since it was such a huge part of my life.

I did some tapping on forgiving myself for having asthma, & forgiving my father for passing it on to me. Then I broke the issue down into segments. I would get asthma from all sorts of things — exercising, going from a hot to cold environment or vice versa, walking up hills, cold weather & cats. (That’s all I can think of now but I’m sure there were other triggers too.) I wrote all the reasons for getting asthma down on a piece of paper & then tapped through them individually. “Even though I get asthma from exercising, I deeply & completely love & forgive myself…”

I drank so much water & passed out. The next morning, I walked up the hill in the cold (three of those individual reasons in one experience!) to catch my bus, like I did every morning, & which also gave me asthma every morning. Surprise! No asthma. Brilliant. My asthma was gone.

However, a couple of years later, when I went back to my home town for the first time in ages, I got asthma again as soon as I stepped off the plane, & it plagued me the whole time I was there. I came home to Melbourne & it still wouldn’t go. I couldn’t figure out what the hell it was, & after lots of tapping I realised that it was actually fear about the future. I was afraid that I would have to go home & live in my home town, & afraid that I wasn’t ready to live in New York. As soon as I tapped that out, poof! It was gone again. Weird, man!

Oh, & re: eczema & hayfever… When I started using tapping & reduced my anxiety about life, my eczema disappeared, never to be seen again. At the same time, whenever I got hayfever I would just tap on having allergies, being allergic to pollen, & the physical symptoms (itchy eyes, runny nose etc.). I did this a few times & since then, it has never come back.

Remember to…

Drink lots of water
Go into as much detail as you can remember
Say what you feel or think
Allow yourself as much extra sleep as you need
Read other people’s testimonials on Emofree if you’re stuck
Keep tapping
Use it on everything! (Depression, binge eating, insomnia, social anxiety, panic attacks, anger etc.)

& now for some EFT success stories, in their own words! These are all emails from nonpareils that I have received recently! If you don’t think EFT works, these testimonials might change your mind…

“Although just about any of your articles can cheer me up or put a spring in my step, the ones on EFT have, I’d say, genuinely made my life take a turn for the better. I mentioned this in a comment on your latest EFT piece, about trying it for my depression, but wanted to just say “thank you!” properly and also let you know about my experiences with EFT since then. Basically, I feel as if some huge blockage or burden has fallen away from me. It’s incredible. The night I tried tapping on my depression, I was suicidal. I was willing to try absolutely anything that promised to help me feel better. After I tapped, I left that comment on your article, and then I started to feel incredibly shaky, cold and nauseous. I took that as a sign that the tapping had obviously done something. It was quite extraordinary. Two weeks later, I feel as if EFT has made a subtle but huge difference to my attitude.”

“I actually heard of the EFT exercises from a friend before, but I’ve never really tried it. Last night I did it for a series of problems that’s been nagging at me for a few weeks and it’s been an incredible relief – my mind stops wandering over to it now and replaying it in my mind. I have a question though – does EFT make you very tired? I slept for a good 11 hours after doing it for the first time, and today I still took a lunchtime nap. Not that it’s a bad thing; I usually have insomnia, but this incredible amount of unbroken sleep seems too good to be true!”

“i’ve read about your experiences with eft & i’ve always been very skeptical. my mother is a doctor so i tend to trust only things that can be scientifically proven & have evidence to back it up. so i’ve always skimmed over it & moved on. tonight i figured what the heck things are so awful right now that it can’t hurt. so i tapped on the karate chop point while crying & thinking about what was upsetting me. maybe it worked, maybe it was just the repetition & repeating things in my head but i felt calmer, something that i never feel when i think about things that upset me. i tend to avoid thinking about them at all because i find that it just makes me more upset & makes it harder for me to get back to “normal”. since i felt calmer & was no longer crying i decided to read more about it so i went to icing, watched the videos, read the whole article throughly, & chanted & tapped along with you video. i tapped about a couple of things including my depression & insomnia. then stopped so i could refill my water cup. i live in a dorm so i have to walk down the hall to get to the bathroom to get some water. by the time i got back to my dorm i felt tired & sleepy & ready for bed which might not be a big deal for some people but i have really bad insomnia. i usually take a prescription sleep medication to fall asleep & without it i can lay in bed for hours & typically won’t fall asleep until 4 in the morning. needless to say i’m pretty impressed. though i must admit i’m still quite skeptical & am trying to rationalize my calmness & sleepiness. maybe i just tired myself by crying for so long. maybe it’s just a placebo effect. or maybe it really did work. i’m actually quite interested in eft now & am so impressed that i had to shoot you an email before i went to bed. maybe you’ve introduced me to something that might actually work [unlike the millions of antidepressants that i’ve tried over to years]. thank you so so so much. if there’s anything else i should know or you think is important about eft that isn’t mentioned in icing or in the eft manual let me. good night & thank you for helping me get my first sleeping pill free night of 2008.”

“After that I did EFT at home every day. I didn’t believe it would work, just like most people don’t. So I tapped on “even though this feels really stupid and it will never help me feel any better because I’m so heartbroken…”. After a couple of weeks I noticed I was not tapping on the same feelings anymore. My heart was healing, my soul was healing, and I felt great. ... I see the light and beauty in so many things now. I feel like I am now beginning to really understand life; I am understanding my Self & the connections between all people & all experiences – how everything has meaning, if you choose to let go and allow the Universe to reveal it to you. I feel very neutral most of the time, but when something nice happens or I see something fun or amazing, the joy in my heart is overwhelming! I haven’t had an anxious thought in over a week. I haven’t felt hopelessly lonely or depressed like I was, in about 2 weeks. I have stopped biting my nails. When I do feel yucky, I just do a few rounds of EFT and trust that it will help. This is a real accomplishment for me, because I’ve had anxiety since I was like 9 years old!”

“after reading about EFT on your blog, and watching your video and the videos you linked to from your site, i decided to give it a try. i was pretty unsure, and even believed it probably wasn’t going to work, but i told myself to remain open-minded. i tried the tapping techniques while sitting in the bathtub. i’d run through the tapping exercises 10-20 times each sitting. i did this for only 2-3 days in a row. at which point, i gave up because i wasn’t noticing any improvement. i figured i was wasting my time. as i said, there wasn’t an immediate improvement, so i stopped after day 3. this was about 4 months ago. something weird has occured though, i haven’t itched in a few months! even when showering in the morning— something that would normally set my legs itching— i’ve been fine. i haven’t called in late to work or canceled activities for a long time. i’m not saying that its completely gone… there were a few days when i noticed the beginning sensations of it and anticipated that my legs were going to burst into itching flames, but.. you know what?! ... they didn’t. everything was fine. its like the early symptoms started, but then almost immediately subsided. i can’t explain it, but i’m starting to believe that EFT worked!”

“i suffer from depression and anxiety problems and, per your suggestions, have started using EFT with great results. a steady combination of your words and tapping away my problems has uplifted my soul so far beyond anything therapists or medication has ever done for me.”

“I wanted to thank you so much for introducing me to EFT. I read your article thoroughly for the first time today and did my first real session (previously I had only absentmindedly tapped my karate-chop point when I was anxious, which worked well, but was nothing like this, when I did the whole deal) Once I got going with it, I started to rant and it opened up to things I wasn’t even conscious that I was dealing with. Using EFT, when I eventually started saying things like “even though I’m not good enough and noone else will ever want me, I deeply and completely love and accept myself” I started to shake and cry, because deep down, I’d beat myself up all the time and call myself vain and shallow for considering myself confident, but then basing my good opinion of myself on my talents and looks. Using EFT as a starting point, I’m learning to base my self-worth on something more substancial, which will make me happier person, genuinely confident, rather than just propped up by all sorts of unsubstancial “stuff”. Your website has really touched my life. During a blah sort of day, I’ll go to galadarling.com and be mentally rejuvinated by simply hearing a positive voice in my head, reminding me to lick life’s icing when I’m at my bluest!. Your EFT advice, however, really takes the cake of all the ways you’ve improved my life without even knowing it! Thank you, thank you Gala!”

I am so happy for all of you & I hope you’ll continue using EFT! It changed my life & I know it can change yours.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Rock The Prom!

[ 5 February 2008, 18:31 ]

For most people, the prom is still a little way off — & yet at the moment, it’s the hottest issue in my inbox! Girls around the globe are fuh-reakin’ out, lost in a sea of dresses, stumped by what to wear & how to look different, original & cute without spending a fortune or imitating someone else.

I think that to some girls, a prom is like a miniature version of a wedding — to be planned in intense detail & carried off with military precision. That’s okay! I understand! I am a Virgo myself; I am well acquainted with the joy of organisation. So I am here to help!

Dresses

While you could go to a department store & pick a dress off the rack, that’s probably what every other girl in town will be doing, too. It’s okay to follow the herd, but not on a night that is important to you — or on a night that has so much photographic evidence! You want to look ravishing, mysterious, glamorous & stylish, & it is hard to feel like that when the girl you really dislike turns up in the same gown.

I strongly advise buying your dress somewhere else. Try the tiny boutique of a local independent designer, go vintage shopping, peruse your very stylish friend’s wardrobe, start looking at patterns or browsing online for the dress of your dreams. You don’t have to buy off the rack in your town — in fact, you don’t have to buy at all if you have well-dressed friends! Be open to other options, because it will help you stand out on the night.

Have a browse around online to see what you like. Some of the best vintage dresses can be found at Vintageous, Blue Velvet, Trashy Diva & Ballyhoo, & there’s always Ebay.

If you don’t like dresses, never fear! Androgyny is in & it’s hot. Have a read of Tomboy Boot Camp & then scroll down this page for more ideas!

Make-up

A lot of girls go to a make-up counter to have their face done for the big day — in fact, in Australia & New Zealand I would say that’s the rule, rather than the exception. That’s great if you’re not wonderful with make-up, but if you have a very definite “look”, you might want to save the cash & do your make-up at home. A couple of my goth friends refuse to have anyone touch their faces because they can never find anyone who does their make-up as they like it, & they are not alone!

If you’re paying someone to do your make-up for the big night, I would recommend doing a trial run first. Some people have strange ideas about what looks good, & you don’t want to be frantically rubbing your make-up off in the limousine!

Remember that you can get anything you want. If you always wear pale pink lip-gloss with brown eye-liner, don’t be afraid to try something new! Maybe electric blue eye-liner will look amazing on you. Let the make-up artist play around with things & be open to their suggestions, because until something is on you, it’s very hard to know whether it will good or not. When I worked at Lush, we were friends with the girls at the MAC counter, so when we had a break we’d go to their shop & they would make us over. I remember one girl gave me yellow eye-shadow that faded into this brilliant parrot green colour — I thought it would look hideous but actually, it was totally incredible. So take a chance!

Feel free to take in pictures & photographs that show what colour your dress is & demonstrate the sort of make-up you want — if you do, it will make the artist’s job much easier. Also: be friendly! You will get better service & a more fabulous end result.

Hair

Just because a prim up-do is the “done thing”, that doesn’t mean you have to have one. You could have your hair down, curled, teased, in a beehive, dusted with talcum powder, under a tiara, or even wear a wig! If you’re feeling daring, you could even colour your hair. If your hair is short & you feel left out, don’t! Read Making Short Hair More Interesting & rejoice!

Remember…

The prom is kind of a ridiculous tradition but it can be a lot of fun if you embrace it. Even if you loathe everyone you go to school with, it’s still great to dress up & see everyone else dolled up. People seem to act differently when they’re dressed up for a formal occasion — almost like adults, sometimes! You might even find yourself talking to (& making peace with) someone who was your arch-nemesis all year, so if you’ve sworn off your prom, give it a re-think.

On the other hand, just because it’s the prom, that doesn’t mean you should feel like you have to transform into some weird alien version of you for the night! Leave that Barbie girl look to those spray-tan-crazy girls who never answer questions in class. Don’t be afraid to inject a little personality into your outfit — or even allow your outfit to express who you are. If you’re a gamer, embrace it! Wear a brooch of the Nintendo logo on your dress or don initial rings that spell out ‘GAME OVER’. If you’re obsessed with France, dress in red white & blue & add a beret. (You could even draw a little moustache on the side of your finger & hold it up to your lip & laugh at people with a fake French accent!) If you’re a photographer, wear your camera like a necklace, & if you’re a ballerina, wear ballet shoes. You get the picture.

The accessories make it. Even if you do end up buying something that someone else wears, if you accessorise it properly, you won’t look similar at all. Think hats, stockings, bags, bracelets, rings, chokers, necklaces, glitter, crystals, feathers, tiaras, faux fur — & take it from there.

Ideas

Obviously the idea is not to go out & buy these outfits as they are (though if you can afford a pair of Louboutins to wear to your prom then you’re doing pretty well)! Hopefully you will be able to use them as a jumping-off point; something to inspire you. Maybe you’ll look at one of these dresses & love it but accessorise it differently, or perhaps a colour scheme will appeal to you. I hope it helps!

For the glamorous alternative girl: Todd Lynn Nachtotter leather jacket; vintage 1950’s strapless dress; gold Rolex; CC Skye bracelet; Alexander McQueen clutch; Jimmy Choo heels; initial rings from Girlprops.

For the girl who thinks pink: Fendi Candy striped silk dress; Tarina Tarantino necklace; Alexander McQueen clutch; pink bangles; Christian Louboutin glitter patent slingbacks.

For the geeky girl: Robot charm necklace; JC Penney dress; retro glasses; Fred Flare nerd/dork ring set; Cat5 bracelet; Balenciaga fingerless gloves; gold Kitson sandals.

For the tomboy with taste: 3.1 Phillip Lim tuxedo jacket; Blondie t-shirt; Todd Lynn Bill Carson bow tie; Topshop cropped jeans; Christian Louboutin Ariella studded boots; Moschino handbag.

Oh, & if you need extra inspiration… Betsey Johnson‘s Spring 2008 collection is prom-tastic!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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The Ultimate Crush Decoder Ring!

[ 4 February 2008, 13:17 ]

I get emails all the time from people who are in the grips of a major crush. The kind of crush that lives up to its name — the sort that squeezes your insides, makes you hyperventilate & always makes you feel like you’re not being very impressive at all. I realised I hadn’t written an article on how to stop a crush from becoming a crash, or how to salvage the wreckage if it does, & with Valentine’s Day coming up, it seemed appropriate! So, here it is — your crush decoder!

Problem: I don’t know how to talk to _______, & oh my god he/she is the cutest thing EVER!

Solution: Talking to people is quite easy but somehow, when we meet the person of our dreams, it’s like our mother tongue is Dork & our second language is Nerd. It can lead to very embarrassing moments. I once had a crush on a comedian that was so all-consuming that whenever we spent time together, I could barely even speak. Needless to say, it didn’t go far.

The trick to talking to people you are nervous about or don’t know is to find some common ground & then start asking questions. Don’t be all Spanish inquisition, & don’t give them the third degree either, just keep it relaxed. The trick with asking people questions is that it gives you more time to admire their mouth while they’re talking. Um, I mean, it gives you a break & allows you to think of something else to ask them! Plus, people loooove to talk about themselves — ask anyone.

The subject matter of the conversation is going to differ depending on the situation. Do you go to school together or work together? That can make life easier — you can talk about classes, teachers, managers, assignments, the people around you. If the object of your affections is a little more random, it can be a little trickier but is not impossible by any stretch of the imagination. If, for example, they work in a shop, ask them to help you find something, & while they do, just start a conversation. You know, usual small-talk stuff — how long have they worked there, do they like it, what are their dreams for the future, etc. If you go to the same cafe, maybe talk to them while you queue up, or ask if they’d like to sit with you. It seems scary but hey — he who dares wins (or something). You have to make the leap of confidence, otherwise you’ll never know!

I would also encourage you to “be yourself”. I know that sometimes when people tell you that it sends you into a blind panic, because all you can think of is your bad passport photo & recent exam scores, but what I really mean is — don’t try to be anyone else. Unless you are comfortable playing the sexy vixen or the suave gentleman, don’t. Just be you — your friendly, off-beat, cheeky self.

Problem: How can I ask _______ out on a date? But not, y’know, a real date, just an excuse to spend some time together.

Solution: This is really a continuation of the question above. So, strike up a conversation, & after you’ve established some rapport, ask if they want to have lunch/a coffee/a drink sometime. Swap numbers. Remember to call. Golden.

Problem: My crush used to act like he/she reciprocated my feelings but now he/she is acting all weird & won’t talk to me!

Solution: First rule of relationships & love: people are weird. Some people seem to change their feelings on a dime & all of a sudden start acting as if you are Queen (or King) of the Lepers. It hurts, of course. Your thoughts start to race. ‘What did I do wrong? What did I say?!? Did I breathe tuna sandwiches on them?!? Did I just morph into a hideous mud-monster?!?’ You know how it goes.

Talk to them about it. Say, “Hey. Things used to be cool between us but now you’re giving me wedgies & torturing my goldfish. What’s going on?” Then they will either tell you (“I just can’t handle your Spice Girls obsession — sorry”) or not (”...”). If they tell you, you can either try to remedy it or tell them to take a flying leap. Spice Girls ‘obsession’ — piffle! & if they don’t tell you or are otherwise difficult, believe me, it is their loss & not yours. Some people are just a bit stinky. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. You can’t crawl inside anyone’s head or make them change their mind, so don’t waste your energy. Stay away from them & find something else to keep you busy for the next little while.

Problem: _____ is obviously my dream lover but they have a boy/girlfriend already. How do I get rid of them?

Solution: Whoah there, soldier! While your dream lover’s lover is obviously a pesky obstacle, dabbling in home-wreckery is not your best laid plan. There are a few reasons for this, like for example, if your dream lover is susceptible to some new person coming along (you), who’s to say that that won’t happen to you six months down the track? But the real reason for not going there is that it will become an ugly mess & if you respect your dream lover — I mean, truly respect them & want what is best for them — you should also respect the relationship they’re in.

Not all relationships are perfect & it is common for one half of the couple to have a whinge from time to time about how so&so doesn’t pick up his socks from the floor or how little miss never does the dishes. However, you’ll be better off if you don’t read into that as some kind of false clue that they want out of the relationship & they consider you their life-raft. They are probably just venting. If you feel evil hooks growing over your hands that give you the urge to tear their relationship asunder & run away to a cave with your dream lover, please, do yourself a favour & back away. This is not a nice side of you!

Problem: My dream lover says he/she wants to leave his/her current relationship & be with me! The delight is palpable! But… I don’t know. Something feels wrong.

Solution: In this scenario, there are a few very probable outcomes.

Number one: The scorned ex-lover will hate you & so will all their friends, co-workers, hairdressers, etc. This can make life difficult if you live in a small town & don’t fancy cutting your hair yourself.

Number two: Since your dream lover will be jumping from one relationship to the next, it will be complicated. I am a firm believer that everyone needs a break between relationships. It’s just a good thing to do — it helps you sort out the emotional bracken, allows you to re-establish who you are & what you want, & gives you a breather. I think being alone is really good for people, since being in a relationship it’s all too easy to be co-dependent & never really learn how strong or capable you are. The other risk when you jump from one relationship to the next is that you get transference of emotion — that’s when your emotions for the last person swap over to the new person. While it might be nice to be instantly in love, it’s not real & it causes problems later when the bliss wears off & you both realise that the person you’re with is not who you expected.

If your dream lover really does want to leave his or her current lover, then of course that’s their choice & their life. But if you actually want things to work out between the two of you long-term, let them know that you would like there to be a significant (i.e., at least a couple of months) break between the ex & you. Explain why & see how they react. Hopefully if they have a brain & some emotional stability they will be cool with this. On the other hand, some people, when you tell them this, will decide you’re too much trouble & not leave their partner. While this sucks at the time, you will look back on it in a few months & be so very grateful. Trust me!

Problem: My dream lover’s lover is so AWFUL! I hate him/her! If only they would go away, my dream lover would be so much happier & capable of so much more! I don’t understand why they don’t just leave!

Solution: People’s problems are their own. Let it go. Move on.

Problem: I think I’m in love with my best friend. HELP!

Solution: Well, this is really up to you. I encourage taking the plunge & telling the truth, something like, “Max, we have been best friends for a long time but things are changing & well, do you mind if I kiss you?” Sure, it might destroy the friendship. But it could also be the best relationship of your life. I think it’s worth the chance.

Problem: I’ve never had a boy/girlfriend before & I don’t know how to kiss!

Solution: You need to enrol in Gala’s Kissing Boot-Camp, toute de suite!

Problem: Where can I take my crush for a cool, interesting date?

Solution: If I was feeling exceptionally twee, I’d say something like “It doesn’t matter where you go if the company’s good”. Which is true, but honestly, that’s not really going to cut it. For a first date, you want to wow them by taking them somewhere spectacular, like talking a stroll along the Nile or going on a week-long safari. Unfortunately, whisking your new potential lover off to see one of the wonders of the world is probably going to have to wait until you are a big-shot entrepreneur, so here are some other ideas.

Go to an amusement park. Eat burritos in the botanical gardens. Hire a canoe. Go out stencilling at night. Attend an art show opening. Go thrift-shopping. Get photobooth pictures. Take circus lessons together. Cook for each other. Browse a used bookstore. Go to the beach. Do a collaborative painting. Dress up. Stage a treasure hunt. Go to the markets. Find the biggest waterslide you can. Bake cupcakes. Explore abandoned places. Go to an audience participation version of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Sneak into a hotel pool. Play tennis. Pick out plants for each other. Take a yoga class. Ride your bikes somewhere. Have a picnic. Build a fort. Talk. Kiss. Snuggle.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Dealing With Suicide

[ 31 January 2008, 23:08 ]

This post is dedicated to V., who lost a dear friend yesterday.

I come from New Zealand, a place with one of the highest suicide rates in the world. In fact, in New Zealand, suicide is the second most common cause of death after motor vehicle accidents. One of my closest friends at school committed suicide at age 15 — she had barely even started to experience life & all of a sudden, it was over.

Everyone who knew her was devastated. We didn’t know what to think. I went into a state of weird shock & denial — when my mother told me that my friend had died, & that we were going to see her, I thought she was still alive. My brain couldn’t grasp the concept that we were going to go & see her body.

I think most people are a bit curious about what dead bodies are like, but after you’ve been up close & personal with the body of someone you loved, you’d be pretty happy never to see another body again.

Suicide is one of the hardest things to deal with, I think. Any kind of death is difficult, of course, but suicide is so sudden, so confusing, & it leaves you with so many unanswered questions. That’s the most infuriating thing — the lack of clarity or understanding. People who end it all believe that they have a good reason for doing it, but it is something that those of us on the outside will probably never grasp.

It’s very common to be confused, angry, sad, feel lost or numb, or go into denial. My friend’s mother went into denial at first, & then, within a year, she sold the house & moved to Canada to start a new life. I suppose this is my way of helping you understand that people deal with death in very different ways.

While I don’t have heaps of experience with dealing with suicide, here are some things you can do to help yourself out.

Allow yourself to deal with it

Acknowledge the pain you’re in & let yourself experience it. Sometimes people don’t allow themselves to do this because they don’t want to been seen as “selfish”, but honestly, you have to do this stuff or it will hit you like a ton of bricks at some unexpected & unfortunate moment. Your emotions are going to be all over the chart, & so are your moods, behaviours & patterns. Don’t just continue with your normal daily routine & pretend that everything is okay. You have been hurt, you need to make space to take care of that.

Try to work the grief out of yourself

Pain affects your whole being — your body, mind & spirit — so be good to yourself in all those areas. Eat good food, meditate, go to a religious service if that’s your thing. Use EFT, exercise like a lunatic, build a treehouse or express your anger/confusion/sadness creatively. Paint, write, sing, sculpt, dance — do whatever brings you the most pleasure.

Write a letter to your friend

Since the silence & unanswered questions can be one of the most difficult things to deal with, you might like to try writing a letter to your friend. You can say anything you want. Tell them how much you love them, how confused you are, how angry you feel. You can swear & rant & carry on & be as selfish as you like, since it’s just a vehicle to allow you to cope with the situation. Take as much time writing it as you want. You can even make it into a little project that you work on over a few days, since your emotions will evolve as time goes on. When you’re done, burn it & make a conscious decision to release the emotions contained in it at the same time.

Look after your friends & family

You’re all going through this together. Being as supportive of each other as you can is really important. Sleep in each others’ beds, stay up late & drink cups of tea, talk about how much you miss your friend. Reminisce. Hug. Hold hands. Let your friends & family know how much they mean to you. Help them out however you can.

Understand that time is the best cure

It sounds trite but it is really the most important thing to understand about any type of pain. Time passes & takes with it the intensity of emotion. This is not to say that your memory of your friend’s death will disappear, just that as time progresses, it will be easier to look at, think about or examine. The searing anguish you feel will subside eventually. The lump in your throat will disappear; the lethargy & crying over breakfast will go away. I promise.

When V. emailed me, I turned to my friend Sophie, who unfortunately has much more experience with this subject than I do. I wanted to get someone else’s perspective, & asked her whether she had any coping mechanisms that she could share to help V. or anyone else. Here’s what she said.

[Everything below was written by Sophie.]

“It’s never easy to answer this kind of question, because we all react differently. Screw the so-called grieving process. Grief counsellors identify common aspects of grief — denial, anger, guilt, etc., blah blah blah — but can’t understand our own personal and unique reactions which stem from our relationships with the deceased.

Wikipedia has some good stuff about the documented common stages of grief. I’ve dealt with enough death to know those stages can swap around all over the place. The first thing I felt when you told me that someone unknown to me had taken their own life was frustration and sadness. Not denial — I know it happens, usually without warning, because I’ve seen it before.

When someone you know commits suicide, you blame yourself. That’s the worst thing. Not the denial, because you get over that fast — reality doesn’t go away. Not the anger; I’ve always thought that stems from a combination of all the other emotions reaching critical mass. But you constantly second-guess yourself.

“Did I miss something?”
“Was there a cry for help, and I was deaf to it?”
“Could I have been more supportive?”
“Was I unnecessarily harsh or flippant or indifferent about so-and-so’s breakup/job situation/family problems?”
“Was it my fault?”

Hell, you feel these things no matter how the person dies… but when someone kills themselves, you feel so helpless, because it’s so incomprehensible. You know their faults, but you see their talent and intelligence and compassion and their potential… hell, my boyfriend Mike would probably be a rocket scientist by now if he hadn’t decided to play on the short swing. And you cannot — REPEAT, CANNOT — avoid wondering if you could have done something to stop it. Guilt: Not Just For Catholics.

When you lose someone to suicide, it is not your fault. My saying it won’t make you feel it, but it helps to be reminded. Most people who kill themselves do not give any warning. You don’t know they’re that depressed. They may even have just reached a new high. My friend Sally seemed to have finally picked herself up out of her grief over her husband’s death. She was throwing herself back into theatre with gusto, getting things written and devised, and really finding her stride again — really living again. Then she decided to swallow a pharmacy and wash it down with a bar.

There is no good reason for someone to kill themselves. They do it because they cannot see any good ever happening in their life again. People who try to or do commit suicide honestly see it as the only way to end their pain. They don’t stop to think about the pain they’ll cause those who love them, and, in fact, often they think other people’s lives will be better without them. They don’t pause and ponder the possibility that if they’ve reached bottom, they can only climb back up.

You wanted to know if I have coping mechanisms? For a while I thought that the amount of death I’ve had to deal with (between 3 and 8 people I know dying every year since 1995) had enabled me to speed up the coping. I was wrong.

Here are the things I do.

Take time off work/study as soon as possible

It’s really easy to throw yourself into your daily tasks and delay the inevitable. It’s like deferring a cold with decongestants. You can look after everyone else but yourself, you can schedule unnecessary meetings and write your essay four weeks before it’s due, but once you run out of things to do, and probably when you least expect it, it’ll hit you. Stuck in rush hour traffic, you’ll cry uncontrollably. Halfway through a netball game you’ll get the shakes and have to sit down.

Even a day, hell, even an afternoon off from your usual grind will give you a chance to acclimatise just a little.

Be angry

You’re allowed to. You’re entitled to. I do this in the shower, because I’m less likely to break things. Also, I sing in the shower, and that’s really cathartic. Singing angry girl music or metal or whatever gets it out. Trying to not be angry (probably out of guilt) leaves you with a big lump in your throat. When I get out of the shower, I’m a little more balanced.

Go through your photos or scrapbooks

...Whatever you have. Find pictures and songs and things that your friend gave you, or that you shared, or that remind you of that person. Have another cry.

Think hard about the family

This is the one that helps me most. Call the family. See if you can do anything. Drive the kids to school or back. Drop their library books or DVDs back. Anything. Maybe take them a few of those photos you found.

Take time out to be quiet

Nerves fray when we try too hard to make conversation. Or worse, to be practical. It’s perfectly possible to want to wound your sister when she says, “I think we should ask people to make donations to the hospice instead of sending flowers” at the wrong time. Have a cup of tea, and sit for a while. Hell, cry some more.

By the same token, talk about it

You’re not the only person struggling to deal with loss. Confide in your loved ones. That’s why they’re loved, y’know? Because they stand by you through everything, and hold your hand when you’re blind with tears.

Look at the things in your own life that are beautiful

Maybe that person has left the building, but you haven’t. They haven’t reached their dreams… maybe you can. Hug your mother. Tease your brother. Eat a nectarine. Visit a cat refuge and get covered in kittens. Go to a gallery and see the good and the beauty that the world inspires. Be inspired yourself.

I think the biggest thing for me is also the hardest one — it’s like when your folks try to accept the tattoos even though they don’t understand. There is a point where you accept that someone will no longer be a part of your life, and you will not understand it. Ever, probably. And it’s like having a friend just walk away and never talk to you again. But you will accept it, and knowing that you will reach that point where it hurts less, helps you to eventually reach that point.”

Sophie is great. Thank you so much, honey.

To anyone who has recently lost a friend or family member to suicide, please know that the pain lessens & becomes easier to deal with. You have more support than you think. Don’t be afraid to reach out to people & talk about what you’re going through. Do your best to honour their life, cherish the good times, & look after yourself.

Note: Obviously suicide is a difficult subject to discuss. It’s so personal & scary that talking about it hurts. While it is normal to feel a mixture of emotions toward people who end their lives, out of respect for people who are dealing with this right now, please keep your comments as constructive & positive as possible. Thank you.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Stylish Wedding Attire For Men

[ 29 January 2008, 10:00 ]

[Guest post by Audrey]

“Help! I’ve been invited to a wedding and I have no idea what to wear!”

This is a situation that many males in the world face every day. The problem is a two-pronged attack, too: not only are there are so many rules, regulations and other things to take into consideration when choosing what to wear, but the consequences for a poor outfit choice can be pretty severe. Also, it’s pretty obvious when you’ve made a fashion faux pas at someone’s wedding because it’ll seem like everyone but you in attendance has understood some sort of secret code and has turned up in uniform, leaving you as the proverbial sore thumb.

Even worse is that attitudes towards the ceremony (and even weddings in general) have changed a lot over the past decade or so. Back in my parents’ heyday, I’m sure my dad had one or two cheap suits stashed at the back of his closet for the safe option if anyone happened to tie the knot. These days you’ve got to put a little more effort in unless you’re going to play the role of the inconsiderate male friend. But just keep in mind, a lot of brides have attractive single bridesmaid friends and other guests — so why wouldn’t you want to be looking like the strapping young buck that you are? Of course, you should be looking your best at all times though, right?

I must admit, even I’ve been known to panic at the thought of planning a wedding outfit. What’s worse is that the rules of wedding attire and etiquette change as you get older. I’ve personally just reached that age where friends of mine are getting hitched, so the last wedding I attended was actually the first time that I was the guest, not just a friend-of-the-family’s son. So of course I was equal parts nervous and excited at the prospect of my outfit being my choice and decision for a change, instead of having my parent’s disapproving looks when I try and head out the door. Of course, it was interesting to have the bride tell me at the reception “I saw you from the altar! You look so amazing today! Thankyou!”

So, you’re invited to a wedding. How are you supposed to know what the so-called dress code is for a wedding you’ve been asked to attend? And how do you plan yourself accordingly? Well okay, let’s get you sorted out.

Know your bride and groom

Okay, it’s time to get your Sherlock Holmes on. Check out the wedding invitation. Believe it or not, there’s a possibility that the dress code is written right there — and once you know that, you’re halfway there. Black tie, casual, semi-formal, formal. These are the sorts of words you’re looking for, and this will help you decipher their meanings.

If there’s no dress code listed, there’ll still be ways for you to suss it out. Maybe there’s a theme to the wedding invitation and envelope. If the invitation has fancy writing or intricate calligraphy, it’s quite a formal affair you’re heading off to. A fun invitation with a colourful photo of the happy couple means it’ll be a little more casual. There’s a lot of little hints you can find on the invite which may solve all your problems.

If all else fails and you’re still confused, just think — if you’ve been invited to someone’s wedding, it means either you or your partner are important to the bride and groom. So chances are that you see them or talk to them regularly and they wouldn’t think twice about you picking up the phone and calling them. So you should do just that! Send an SMS or an e-mail. Break out the carrier pigeons if you’re technologically impaired. Just swallow your man-pride and get in contact with them or their family and ask them straight out what sort of dress code it is. You won’t look stupid, I promise. If anything, it shows them you have an active interest in them and their special day. And that makes you a great friend.

Know your wedding

It’s important to realise that a wedding doesn’t just mean sitting in a stifling church, listening to an old priest drone on before all the women in the place tear up and the groom finally may kiss the bride. Beach weddings, backyard weddings, shotgun weddings with Elvis in Las Vegas… Modern weddings have become a celebration of a couple and their love for each other, and people are getting really creative at personalising their special day. And once you know the dress code, it’s up to you to dress appropriately for it.

Above are three outfits: one for a beach wedding, one for a more conservative wedding and the third for a really casual wedding (which is actually the outfit I wore to my friend’s wedding where she spotted me during the service). Each of the outfits above are suitable for a guest at a modern wedding, but they’re also distinctly different.

Obviously outfit #2 would be disastrous for a beach wedding. While everyone is out up to their knees in a beautiful tropical ocean with floating lotus flowers all around, you’ll be sitting on the shore because you can’t get your new fancy shoes wet. Outfit #1 is the obvious choice, of course. But you must admit that linen pants and Havianas aren’t common wedding attire.

My point is that you may have to think outside the square in order to make the best choice. And make sure you’re well informed before the actual event to make sure that you’re dressed and prepared accordingly.

Know your outfit and know yourself

God is in the details, as they say. Likewise, your outfit’s not going to do you any justice if you don’t pay attention to all the little things. Whether it’s a formal, casual, black tie or nudist wedding (believe it or not, they do exist), a wedding is an important event. You’ll want to be clean and tidy and a nice-smelling, lovely, charming man. So while most of this goes without saying, I’m still going to say it anyway. Just in case you forgot.

Shine your shoes. Iron your shirt. Clean and cut your nails. Get a haircut. Have a shave. Clean yourself. Wear deodorant and aftershave… And don’t skimp on the clean socks and underpants.

Be sure to invest in something new — whether it be the tie or some cufflinks, some new shoes or comfy new socks. A wedding is always a great excuse to splurge on something for yourself too. It’s a celebration after all!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Jobs (& Hints) For Creative Souls

[ 23 January 2008, 15:21 ]

“Suggestions for job hunting, or really any way to make money that isn’t completely depressing to the creative heart would be so great!”

While, ultimately, I think most of us are searching for the work that truly fulfils us, sometimes it can take a while for that to become apparent, or for us to be able to start acting on our dreams. At this point, of course, we still need cash to survive — so here are some ways to spin gold.

Ebay
While selling on Ebay for the rest of your life would probably be a very trying exercise, there is no doubt that it is still an excellent way to make cash. You can use it to get good money for the things you don’t want anymore — clothes, appliances, books & weird trinkets — & then use that money to kick you off in any direction you want. You can also make your own stuff or become a hardcore second-hand shopper & then do bulk Ebay listings. Lots of people do this & seem to make a pretty good living from it. I know, for example, that Audrey, our men’s style writer, supported himself for several months while he was in the USA by buying t-shirts in second-hand stores & flogging them on Ebay. If he can do it, you can too!

Retail
I know that sounds a bit obvious, but there are a lot of retail jobs that don’t suck. Yes, you have to deal with customers, but you will probably get fantastic deals on whatever you’re selling, & you might even end up in a shop full of fun people! When I worked at Lush, we got a fabulous discount (I hear it is not quite so fabulous any more, unfortunately), were allowed to take home all the old stock, & sang & danced around the store all day to the sounds of Grease (or whatever else we were loving at that moment). Working in an upbeat vintage clothing store, frantic ice-cream parlour or sprawling bookshop can be really lovely if you give it a chance.

Offer to help someone
I remember hearing some insane statistic, something like 80% of all available jobs ARE NOT advertised in the newspaper. I was filled with glee when I heard it, because to me it meant that I could do practically anything I wanted if I approached the right people. The thing is, there are people all over the place who could use a little bit of extra help. Your bed-ridden neighbour might want someone to mow their lawn, your mother might need help with her accounting, your friend might need a college tutor or perhaps the billionaire across the street could use a personal assistant. People who need help are often too busy to think about asking for it or placing an ad to find it, so do the leg-work for them — ask if they need some assistance! Likewise, drop your C.V. in anywhere you like the look of — with a big smile & lots of enthusiasm — regardless of whether they’re hiring or not. That’s how I got my job at Lush!

Think outside the box
Trading hours for cash is the usual way of making money, but it’s not the only way. Get a stall at a market, start making & selling cupcakes, play music in the street, get a job at your favourite cafe, design flyers for bands, put on shows, become an artist’s model, try working in a library, make jewellery & sell it on Etsy, pick fruit, design websites, screenprint t-shirts, teach art classes, work as a nanny, apply for a grant, play the piano in a hotel bar, write horoscopes, become a telephone psychic, grow your own vegetables & sell them, shine shoes, do street portraits, clean houses, garden, teach yoga classes, design postcards & note paper, make journals, hold workshops…

Generally, the best thing to do is think about what you’re good at & what you enjoy, then head in that direction. As crazy as it sounds, one of my best jobs was working in a huge awful corporate — but it had a lax dress code, I was allowed to wear headphones, the internet connection was super-quick, it paid well, I did data entry which was mindless enough that I could think about my own stuff all day, & I worked with entertaining people. I also had a lot of fun working as a book-buyer for a bookshop, as well as working at Lush Cosmetics (where they promoted me to manager in about two months!).

One thing worth considering is whether you really need to be working 40 hours a week in some crazy job. If you’re in the process of starting your own small business or working on your art, you really only need enough cash to pay your rent & bills & buy food — which is something you probably don’t need to work 40 hours to afford. Think about your expenses, do a budget: how much money do you spend on rubbish? It’s easy to cut that back. Start making your own lunches, hold pot luck dinners instead of going to restaurants, sneak in to the movies, make coffee at home & take it to work in a Thermos, cancel your gym membership & buy some free weights… If you can pare back your spending, you won’t need to work in a generic “job” as much — & you can spend your free time bettering your present & constructing your future.

Lots of people have worked ridiculous jobs before they got their big break or started doing what they really loved. Steve Buscemi used to drive an ice-cream truck! John Candy sold paper napkins… door-to-door! Jerry Seinfeld sold lightbulbs over the telephone, Dan Aykroyd sorted mail & Jennifer Aniston was a telemarketer! People do all kinds of crazy things to make ends meet before their real careers take off — even Madonna used to work at Dunkin Donuts & do nude modelling for extra cash.

The most important thing to remember is that what you do to pay the bills doesn’t define you. It’s okay. It’s just a means to an end. What makes people desperate is when they feel that their title as “Junior Hamburger Griller” is who they are — & that they will never do or be anything else. See the light at the end of the tunnel. You can, truly, do anything you like with your life. The only person limiting you is you.

That’s the major problem with working in a bookshop or doing data entry or peddling soap. After a while, you are bound to feel some kind of dissatisfaction. You will yearn for more, even if you’re thinking ‘more of what?’. I think that eventually we all want to contribute to society in some way — to feel that we are helping, making a difference, constructing something of value to other people. Doing something you love, or owning your own business, can really help to fill that gap.

Even once you find what you love to do, you will find that your work will change & evolve as time progresses. Life is always in a state of flux, & the best thing we can do is hold on tight & enjoy the journey!

Extra For Experts:
My articles I Don’t Know What To Do With My Life!, How To Make Your CV Impressive & How To Be A Writer might be of use!
These books — The Lost Soul Companion: A Book of Comfort & Constructive Advice For Black Sheep, Square Pegs, Struggling Artists, & Other Free Spirits & The Not-So-Lost Soul Companion by Susan M. Brackney are both worth a read.
Orbiting The Giant Hairball: A Corporate Fool’s Guide To Surviving With Grace by Gordon MacKenzie is the perfect book to help you survive cubicle life!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Be A Writer

[ 14 January 2008, 13:43 ]

“My dream and the only thing I’ve ever really been in interested in is being a writer. Many many people have tried to discourage me from doing this, but it’s my passion! I was wondering if you had any advice?”

Those of us who want to making a living from the arts often come up against opposition. “You’ll starve!”, your parents cry. “You’ll be miserable!”, your grandmother warns. “No one ever makes a living from that“, your guidance counsellor cautions. While all of this can be intensely demotivating — hell, sometimes it’s enough to push us into law school! — there is something important that we need to consider when anyone tells us we can’t or shouldn’t do something.

When people talk to us, they are speaking from their belief system. They can’t help it, that’s just what happens, & none of us are immune. Whenever I write an article, I, too, am writing based on my beliefs & experiences. I suppose the problem is that all of us, in some area, have beliefs that are destructive, untrue or just plain wacky. Some people think that everyone is out to hurt them. Others believe that working an awful job under a tyrannical manager is the only way to earn a living. Some have the idea that life is a graceless series of embarrassments. You get my drift.

When we listen to what people say, we often do so in an unbiased manner. We take their words at face value. If someone you respect tells you that writers never make any money, that artists always live in rat-infested hovels, or that musicians at age 45 look back at their life & feel ashamed, it can be easy to believe them. Everything else they say makes sense, so why shouldn’t that?

Really, if someone had told me five years ago that I would soon be making a living from taking pictures of myself, dressing up & receiving amazing emails all the time, I would have laughed. Five years ago I was locked into the reality of working a miserable job & feeling like that was the only way. But the point is that the world is changing, faster than we think it is. Opportunities are spinning our way all the time. It’s up to us whether we act on them, or even see them in the first place. We can choose to live a life that scares & delights us, or we can choose to allow someone else’s view of the world to control us.

It is true that it is more difficult to “make a living” writing than it is to “make a living” by going to an office every day. As a writer, you are in charge of yourself. You will require discipline, passion & drive, as well as a willingness to put yourself out there, repeatedly, regardless of the knock-backs you might receive. You will receive your money in small dribbles at unusual times, & you will need to work out how to manage it so that you can live properly without fishing for coins in the couch for the last two weeks of the month. Going to work in an office is much easier — all you need is a bus pass, & as long as it looks like you’re working, you will probably be paid pretty regularly. But you have to ask yourself, is it worth it? If your passion is elsewhere, I encourage you to follow that.

A lot of people play it safe & work a regular job while churning out freelance pieces in their spare time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this — in fact, I did it myself for years! I used to write for magazines in New Zealand, & it was a lot of fun. The pay wasn’t much (50 cents a word, I think), but seeing my name in print totally did it for me, & years later, one of the articles I wrote is required reading for a university paper.

There are plenty of ways to make money from writing, some of which include selling your soul, though not all. You can dabble in journalism, copywriting, write scripts & jingles, sell short stories, run a blog, write a novel or become a columnist. You can write movie reviews, recipes or crosswords. You might like to take up editing for fun & profit. You can do all of these or a combination or just one.

I think that the best thing to do, if you want to be a writer, is decide that you are one. Even if it’s not what you do eight hours a day, give yourself that title. Then devote yourself unrelentingly to your craft. “I have no time” is not an excuse — if something is truly important to you, you make time. So start to make time to write. When I worked in an office, I used to write on the bus on the way to work, on my breaks, on the way home & all evening — & I filled notebooks quickly. It can be done!

Work out what you might like to do. If you want to get into journalism or editing or scriptwriting or novel writing, investigate those areas. Consider taking a course — most universities & even community centres have classes that can help you. Think about it some more. Set yourself some goals. Write. Join your regional writer’s society, go to their events & introduce yourself to people. Buy good pencils or a beautiful typewriter. Put your writing online somewhere. Practise, practise, practise. Buy a dictionary. Write. Read a thesaurus. Write. Carry a Moleskine everywhere. Try different styles — write romantic haiku & limericks for your friends. Make notes about people you see. Approach editors & ask them if you could submit an article to their magazine (they always need writers). Find an agent. Meet people who will support you. Work hard. Make time. Write.

In the process of doing this, you will discover a lot about yourself. You will learn what you’re good at, & what needs work. You will become familiar with writer’s block & you’ll find out what kind of music encourages your best writing. You might also find that your writing tastes change. I always used to be a fiction girl, taking scraps of my life & twisting them into something more romantic or glamorous. But now I like to conjure pearls of light & truth, & I don’t have any time or interest in writing stories. So it goes.

If you’re writing full time, it can get a little lonely. I am blessed in that my boyfriend & I both work from home, so we have each other’s company — but it can get a little mind-numbing being alone all day. Get out of the house, go to a cafe, join a club, ride your bike every morning, engage the postman in conversation, sing in the street, read books. Make a schedule for yourself. Wake up early, do your morning pages, have a coffee, & start writing. Write until noon, have a shower, have some lunch, write some more. Go to the library, buy fresh fruit, make dinner, write some notes, go to sleep.

My two favourite books on writing are Bird By Bird by Anne Lamott & Writing Down The Bones by Natalie Goldberg. I adore both of them. They are beautifully-written (as you would expect) & are full of writing prompts & superb vignettes. You might also like to flick through The Artist’s Way, The Right To Write & The Writer’s Life, all by Julia Cameron; On Writing by Stephen King; Woman In Front Of The Sun by Judith Ortiz Cofer; 30 Steps to Becoming a Writer by Scott Edelstein; The First Five Pages: A Writer’s Guide To Staying Out Of The Rejection Pile by Noah Lukeman & On Writing Well by William K. Zinsser.

Of course, there are a lot of great resources online, too. Bookmark hack your way out of writer’s block, how to conquer writer’s block — the ultimate guide & 101 ways to brew up a great idea, if you know what’s good for you!

Sometimes our parents & friends try to dissuade us from doing things because they think it will be difficult, & they don’t want to see us in pain. That is considerate but ultimately harmful. It prevents us from growing & learning about the world on our own terms. Sometimes, by trying to protect us, people accidentally crush our dreams or ambitions. But only you know who you are & what is best for you. It is harder to stay true to yourself than it is to take the well-travelled road — but it is miles more satisfying.

Living life on your own terms is the best revenge, but don’t do it out of vengeance — just choose to be unaffected & authentic & true. Dare to make your life your own, to go against the grain, to create your own reality. Spin gold from the words in your head & know that you are contributing, you are helping, you are changing people’s lives.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Athletic Aesthetics

[ 13 January 2008, 15:33 ]

“I have a very big dilemma. I basically live at the gym, I work there, take/teach classes there, and work out there (duh!). I desperately need your advice. I work out, take or teach a class everyday and also work in the nursery there and come in contact with a lot of the gym clientèle. I need help. I need wardrobe appropriate items that i can wear in daycare and then go straight to teaching my classes or working out. Is there any advice you give me? I fear if you can not help me no one can.”

Of course I can help you! I think the thing with athletic wear is that it’s very easy to throw on trackpants & a baggy t-shirt & feel like that’s enough. However, if you’re dealing with customers or teaching classes, you need to step it up a little bit. The key is to look for athletic pieces that can be interpreted as “normal” clothing, & then dress it up or down as appropriate.

While you might need to take a change of shoes or remove some accessories, these outfits should take you easily from clients to calf stretches!

Abercrombie polo shirt; Delia*s heart belt; Le Coq Sportif vintage tennis skirt; Puma visor; blue bangles; blue crocodile bag; Rykiel Homme striped socks; Adidas by Stella McCartney silver sneakers.

Miu Miu cracked leather headband; Adidas dress; Gargyle gold leather slip-ons.

Adidas t-shirt; Adidas by Stella McCartney tennis skirt; Wheels & Dollbaby pink cardigan; Lululemon jive legwarmers; Converse sequinned Chuck Taylors.

Topshop black satin turban; T Luxury striped tunic; silver bracelets; Adidas by Stella McCartney tennis dress; Miss Selfridge black leggings; Fossil watch; Dorothy Perkins bag; Repetto Guillemettes.

...& a “practical” outfit for good measure. Lululemon t-shirt; Lululemon shawl skirt; Lululemon cropped pants; Nike sneakers.

Extra For Experts:
k-Bee leotards are amazing. Holographic! Glitter! Rhinestones! Hell yes!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Rumours

[ 11 January 2008, 13:55 ]

“I’m having trouble with some stories that I’ve heard about myself that aren’t true. I was just wondering if you could perhaps give some advice on handling having a rumour being spread about you with poise? Because I am dreading school.”

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. It’s really frustrating to be forced into a small space with people who are treating you badly. The good news is that as you get older, you can take a more proactive stance in deciding who you want in your life. The bad news is that there are always going to be small-minded people with no lives of their own who insist on talking smack about others.

The best thing to do in a situation like this is to think of someone you admire, & try to imagine what they would do in a similar situation. When there are stories going around about celebrities, most of the time you’ll find that they won’t dignify the rumour with a response — they act as if it’s not happening, or just laugh it off. But sometimes you’ll find that they or their publicists will make a public statement to refute the rumour, usually only if it is a fairly serious accusation or something really nasty.

For example, Mary-Kate Olsen has ridiculous stories published about her all the time, as she verifies in the video above. “Who’s Dying Today?!” The video is totally worth watching, actually, because she talks about how you have to take gossip with a light heart & just brush it off. However, when she was admitted to rehab in 2004 for her eating disorder, the gossip rags murmured that anorexia was just a cover for something more sordid — an alleged drug addiction. Her publicist slammed those reports, saying, “Mary-Kate was not admitted for drugs. Period.”

So, just like celebrities do, keep in mind that how you react to the gossip-mongering should depend on what is being said about you. If it’s something ridiculous & inconsequential, then the best thing to do is just ignore it gracefully. If you make a big deal about it, it just looks like you want attention — which you will get, in spades, but it won’t be positive.

On the other hand, if someone is spreading something malicious or troublesome about you, then you need to form a plan of attack!

Find out who started the rumour & speak to them about it
It might be difficult to get to the bottom of the rumour-spreading, but you will find out. The person who is at fault might try to shift the blame to someone else, but you will know in your heart whether they did or not. When you know who the guilty party is, talk to them. Arrange a time to speak to them in private, or call them at home. Think about what you’re going to say ahead of time, & then go in for the kill. Tell them that you are aware that they’re gossiping about you, that it’s not true & that you want them to stop. I know it sounds crazy, but often this stops people in their tracks. They’ll realise that they’ve been caught & they’ll probably be embarrassed about it. If this conversation doesn’t seem to phaze them, you might want to talk to someone higher up — like your parents, teacher, boss, etc.

If someone mentions it to you, or asks you whether the gossip is true, smile & say no
The best defence is to be charming & happy & vivacious, & to act as if you don’t care — even if you do. After all, if someone is scowling & lying & telling nasty stories about you, & you seem to be happy & having a good time, who are people going to want to align themselves with? That’s right — you. People who gossip seem to hold all the cards, because they have their bullying tactics sussed, but actually, no one wants to be friends with these people. Mostly, people are nice to people who gossip because they’re afraid of being the next target. So don’t sweat it. You’re in the right, & people will realise it soon.

Find someone to back you up
You’ll feel much better knowing that you have a friend or two who believe you & are happy to defend your reputation. Brief them on how you’d like the whole affair handled — i.e., smiling & correcting people’s assumptions, rather than jump-kicking people in the throat if they even make a slight smirk in your direction!

Get rid of all of your anger regarding the lies
People usually spread rumours because they want to hurt someone or get a reaction. If you don’t show that you’re upset, & refuse to react to their childish antics, they will get bored & move on. Use EFT to get rid of your anger, confusion, distrust & bitterness. Alternatively, have a huge ragey shouting session in your bedroom until you’re hoarse — get everything on the subject out of your mind, & then get on with life.

Know that you can’t change anyone’s mind
The more you crow about your innocence, the guiltier you appear. Make a statement & leave it at that. It’s not your job to fix your reputation in someone else’s mind — & it never works, anyway. Let it go. Take a deep breath. I know that someone talking rubbish about you hurts, but remember — it won’t last forever. Just wait it out. Don’t be tempted to seek revenge: your life will be happier & less complicated if you just leave it alone.

Good luck to you, honey. I hope it all blows over soon.

“The only gossip I’m interested in is things from the Weekly World News: ‘Woman’s bra bursts, 11 injured’. That kind of thing.” — Johnny Depp

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Putting On The Ritz

[ 7 January 2008, 15:18 ]

[Guest article by Audrey]

“It seems all the fun, all the accessories and all the real joy in dressing and clothes belongs to women… I only have 2 outfits that I actually enjoy wearing, rather than just feel comfortable in. Too often I am tempted to give in and just go for a T-shirt and pants, or just a plain button up shirt and pants. How do I not look boring, but not look over the top?”

The eternal struggle. When a guy finally admits that he cares about his appearance (and be honest — we ALL actually do, so you guys should just stop pretending), he treads a fine line with very limited support on what to do about it. It’s great to accept the fact you’re beyond the ‘this is my t-shirt, these are my khakis’ guy, but it’s a balancing act — try too little, and you’ll blend in with all the other Neanderthals. Try too hard, and you’re the reincarnation of Liberace and you may not be hitting your target demographic… if you catch my drift.

My basic view of the fashion world is that it essentially follows what I call the ‘Two Pendulums’ idea. You basically have two groups. The first is the mainstream fashion community who dictate to the masses what is in fashion and what to buy. Your general gossipy trash magazines, prime-time TV shows and carbon copy chain-stores cover this area and the general population lap it up and it’s what’s generally accepted as ‘The Norm’. The safe side of fashion. You can look hip and trendy for the current times, but it’s the same stuff everyone is wearing. That’s why it’s a trend.

The second group is the ‘alternative’ or more fashion-forward community who usually operate 1-2 seasons ahead of the times. Despite a strong belief that it’s the mainstream, big companies who dictate the next big thing, it’s in fact these people who are the pioneers. Think of your more specific, artsy fashion magazines, the up-and-coming designers, the looks straight off the runway that most people wouldn’t even dare to attempt. That’s them. In fact, the fact you’re reading this probably means you’re part of it. Very DIY, embracing the art of good thrift-store shopping, looking to very specific style icons for very specific reasons.

So each group is a pendulum swinging back and forth, only they’re in polar opposites to each other. The fashion forward group are often elitists who turn their nose up at anything accepted by the mainstream and (whether they admit it or not) they strive to intentionally go the other way. They adopt new fashions, or recycled ideas because ‘nobody else is doing it any more’ and they want to be the first, cutting edge, cool kids who stand out and started it. Slowly though, mainstream circles will adopt it, mass-produce it and make it their own, slowly swinging the mainstream towards the alternative style, despite looking in horror at the fashion when it first was being worn on the street. Suddenly your alternative fashion has become the mainstream and the fashionistas swing immediately away from what was once theirs and we’re back to the beginning, ready to start again.

I think skinny-leg jeans is the most obvious demonstration of this phenomena in recent times. I remember when I first wore them, everyone was still in baggy skater jeans and I got a lot of strange looks and quite insulting comments about them. These days you can pick up a pair anywhere, and they’re pretty much a staple of every label, every store, every range and every person’s wardrobe. Now people are getting sick of them, and demand is slowly creeping in for some different fits. Give it five years and we’ll all be back in the baggies.

But this is where the problem lies. As men’s fashion is becoming a more socially acceptable canvas for a guy to show his personality and creativity, things are getting too crazy and too over the top to the point where it’s just ludicrous and frankly, ironic. And as labels and vintage stores cotton on to this phenomenon, fashionistas are spending a fortune trying to look like they just rolled out of bed and picked up whatever they found on the floor. And suddenly, everyone once again looks the same.

I can totally empathise with not wanting to look boring. A lot of people can. The problem is that it’s all to easy to get completely caught up in the ‘trying not to look like everyone else’, that you end up trying TOO hard. Lord knows I’ve been guilty of that in the past. It’s such a frivolous game, trying to outdo each other and outshine each other, until it gets to the point where people forget to talk to each other and make friends because everyone just stands around like peacocks, preening themselves and putting on a show. All the time sizing each other up based entirely on appearance, judging others for their lack of the next big thing, and masking respect and admiration behind jealous taunts and elitist snobbery.

So how do you stay ahead of the game without actually PLAYING the game? Here are my tips.

Turn your head off
The first thing to do if you want to find your own style is to stop worrying about what people think. Obvious, I know, but the really important second step of this that most people forget is that you need to not worry about not worrying about what people are thinking. Make sense? Yeah, I thought so.

There’s a difference between coming up with a look and style that works for you and is your own, compared with dressing up for what others expect of you. If you want to push boundaries, that’s great. Seriously, we need more guys like you and I’ll be your friend if you drop me a line to say hello. Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and in the right way. Your style should be a natural extension of your personality and yourself. And natural extensions should come naturally. So let yourself go and get into it! To hell with everyone else.

Embrace it!
Commit, commit, commit! And then, commit some more. Having style and being a fashion-savvy boy is a lifestyle, not a costume party. It’s not a summer camp for the weekend. Anyone can go buy a $600 outfit and look stellar on a Saturday night and the ‘it’ club of the month, but it’s all just lights and mirrors if you’re just some dude in a fancy, expensive coat. And trust me, you’ll stick out like a sore thumb if you take this approach.

Extend your personal style quest to look to all parts of your life. In fact, your outfit should be the last thing that comes out of the whole exercise. Buy some snazzy pyjamas (I am, as always, fanatical about Peter Alexander sleepwear). Sell that bomb of a car and get that vintage bicycle you’ve said for the past five years you’d get one day. Move out of your parents’ house and get a nice apartment; cover the walls with artwork you like and photos and postcards from friends. Tweak some personal touches into your work uniform. Hang out at the places you wish you could — because frankly, you can!

If you live your life the way you want, everything else will fall into place — style included. Change the things about yourself and have the confidence in yourself to live the life you want.

And remember — change is easier than you think.

Get inspired
Imitation is the most basic form of flattery. We all know that. There’s nothing strange about admiring another guy’s style. Or shoes. Or haircut. Obviously, it gets a little weird and stalkerish if you go over-the-top about someone else, and you and your stylish buddy Tim end up looking like Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger in that ‘Twins’ movie, wearing the matching outfits. But there’s nothing wrong about taking a cue from someone else, and making that particular aspect that you admire your own.

I have a scrapbook of tearings and clippings from magazines and a file full of images on my laptop. I know, it may be a bit severe for you, cos I’m pretty much invested in this whole idea. But maybe a project like this will get your brain working a bit. If I have a magazine and I like a fabric or a print or an item or an outfit in a shoot, I take it out and put it in my folder. This goes for other areas too: films, friends, anything. I’m obsessed with the Jude Law version of ‘Alfie’ mainly because of his incredible suits and will be using this as a basis when I eventually get fitted for my own. The wardrobe stylist for the movie took his inspiration from the Beatles’ movies. They got their inspiration from somewhere else. You can see how it snowballs on and on.

Inspiration can come from a range of places, so make sure you’re switched on and receptive to it. I’m a firm believer that a guy’s personality and who he is isn’t from one solitary thing — it’s a product of every person, situation, day, action, month, season, experience, year, let-down, highlight and second that has led up to where he has now. Therefore, his style should be too.

Know your shape, size and self
This follows as a warning to my last point — it’s important to know the difference between adopting an idea and flat-out ripping something off. I had a so-called friend in a band once who liked my style and aesthetic so much that he decided to play a show decked out in what could only be described as a Me Costume. He took all my little ‘things’ and copied them to a tee. The problem was, he wasn’t built like me, he didn’t move like me, he didn’t act like me — he wasn’t me. And so he just didn’t pull it off. In fact, he looked uncomfortable, awkward and just plain silly.

Just because you like a certain look, you need to accept the fact that throwing on that outfit you saw on that hot model in the magazine or on the mannequin in the store window won’t change your body shape completely. The trick is to ADAPT the style to suit your shape and self. Slim cut jeans aren’t for everybody for example, but you can still substitute something more flattering for your shape into the mix instead. Suddenly, that outfit you admired on someone else is perfect for you. Make sure you try things on, get sized, ask for help. It’s what the store clerks, fitting rooms and mirrors are all there for.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket
It’s fine to pledge allegiance to a particular designer or store, to admire a particular social scene for their unique style, or to have that one signature piece that becomes known amongst your friends as your ‘thing’. Just promise me you’ll try to mix it up a bit, okay?

To be completely decked out in one brand is dangerous, and should only be reserved for professional athletes who are getting paid to endorse said products. I admit, I have my key brands I love to bits and swear by (and I’m happy to give specific tips if you want them), but you’ll never catch me wearing their items head-to-toe. You don’t want to end up looking like a walking advertisement!

Besides, you need to understand that all designers and all brands have specific strengths and weaknesses. Manufacturers almost always specialise in a specific garment or garment type, so it’s practically impossible to find a supplier or brand who can perfectly put together an amazing pair of denim jeans, and have the same machines and know-how to knock up a great cotton shirt and leather jacket to match. A season or line by a designer may have some great pieces which do go together, but just tread really carefully with branded merchandise.

Gala’s recently pointed out that adopting a social scene’s entire specific look is a bad move too — and I totally agree with her, to the point that I’m now reiterating it to you guys now to make sure you know it too. Instead of ‘dressing up’ as a 50’s greaser, identify what it is about that specific look that you admire, and adapt those things into your own style. You won’t look like you’re heading to a costume party, and you’ll have made it your own, far better look.

Keep it simple!
This brings us back to the pendulum. There was a time that standing out in a crowd and being the ultimate fashionista meant doing something crazy, kooky, unexpected and downright insane. Make-up on boys, skinny jeans, different coloured hair, arms crammed full of rubbish, slogan tees, Chuck Taylor sneakers, piercings… Now, that’s become the mainstream. You can pick up everything listed above at your local department store, and for every ‘different’ looking guy walking down the street, there’s a whole army of clones following close behind.

Therefore the pendulum swings back to clean cut, simple things. While everyone is trying the crazy stuff to grab everyone’s attention and outdo each other, it’s the simple, well dressed guy who’ll be getting the girls. And trust me, you’ll get to a point in life where keeping up with the trends just isn’t worth it any more. Instead, stop thinking of your clothes as expendable fashions that you’ll wear this summer and throw away — invest in some good quality clothes, some good labels and items which will last you a while. You can tweak simple outfits a variety of ways to make them fit into a current fashion.

For now, you want to look respectable, with just the slightest touch of attitude and cool. A complete lack of effort. A simple tee and jean combination can actually make you stand out in a good way – you just have to modernise it with a good cut, size and print on your tee, and make sure you stick with a good wash and colour for your jeans. Dress it up with a good fitting collared shirt (shoulder seams in line with your shoulders, body length and fit suitable to your build). Check out those magazines and look at bands and celebrities you like for ideas on your hair, and get to a stylist — NOT a $10 shopping mall barber.

Pay attention to the details. Accessories are huge for guys right now. Again, look around and take cues from people who you think are rocking their own look. Adapt and make it your own. Try wearing a chain with a couple of charms, a coloured or patterned belt, or a cool watch. Even the way you wear your clothes can be touched up — roll up your shirt sleeves, or undo an extra button at the top. Experiment with a new fit of jean or bite the bullet and try on that slim fitting shirt. I’ve always said that most guys aren’t bad dressers, they just can’t be bothered finding stuff that fits them. You need to trust me — fit is so important.

All of these can make a plain outfit stand out without being too garish. Standing out with crazy ideas and a kooky outfit is just fish in a barrel. It’s too easy. So ask yourself — are you standing out for the sake of standing out? Are you just going against the grain just as your own point of protest? That’s not the reason to do it. Wear what you want and what you think is good. Style is more than just the clothes you’re currently covered in. It’s about how you wear it, how you carry yourself, your comfort and belief in yourself, your beliefs and your outlook on life. Streamline that all into one singular thought in your head, and everything else will come naturally.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Cheating & Trust

[ 4 January 2008, 16:22 ]

I recently received an email from a friend of mine, asking,

“Can you ever go back after he has cheated on you?”

My heart sank as I read it. This girl & her boyfriend are about the cutest couple I’ve ever met — totally in love & totally in sync. It just goes to show that life is really good at throwing you the odd curve ball.

The sad fact is that love & passion have expiration dates, & after a while, the raging excitement you once felt for your partner will wear off. Reality sets in & you realise that your lover, no matter how marvellous, is just a person, like everyone else. This is the time where you need to start working at your relationship, or it can really start to go sour. Cheating is easy, but keeping a relationship above water is not. Some people like a challenge, & some buckle under the pressure.

Regardless of whether monogamy is human nature or not, cheating on someone is still an extremely rotten thing to do. You betray their trust, break their heart & screw with their mind — something you should never purposefully do to someone who has given you their heart.

Here are some typical reasons that people cheat:
They don’t find their partner attractive or sexy any more
Their partner is unavailable a lot of the time, or just unwilling
It’s easier to get sex somewhere else
They don’t feel sexy or desired
There’s no challenge/boredom
They’re feeling alone or unloved
No intellectual connection or stimulation
Fear of getting older
Fear of spending the rest of their life with one person
Festering resentment (feeling unappreciated, anger at past actions, etc.)
Constant “grass is always greener” syndrome
Self-destructive urges (e.g. some people believe that real love is “too good to be true”, & they don’t feel that they deserve to be loved — so they go out of their way to destroy it)

I don’t believe in coincidence — I think everything happens to us for a reason. Please note that this does not necessarily mean that our partner cheated on us because we are bad/wrong/at fault in some way, but sometimes I think life is just trying to urge us in one direction or the other, or to teach us something. Regardless, we can choose to pay attention to what the universe is trying to tell us, fix our problems & move on, or we can deny it vehemently, & continue stumbling blindly through life, repeating the same old mistakes.

As an extreme example — are you (or do you know) someone who is cheated on by every partner they have? If you think about it — the only constant is you. To me, it seems ignorant to continually blame this on your partners. After all — you choose who you date, you know what you’re getting into, & if they always end because your partner is unfaithful to you, then you need to look closely at what’s actually going on.

I don’t believe love is so simple that if someone cheats on you, you should dump them straight away & erase any trace of them from your mind. I also don’t believe there is such a thing as a good “excuse” for being unfaithful — we are always responsible for our actions, no matter how drunk or angry or lonely we are, & communicating your needs to your partner should always be your first priority.

In a relationship, communication is the most important thing. Of course, you can claim that if your boyfriend paid more attention to you, you wouldn’t have had to seek out that dashing poet who wrote stories about you — but you need to take responsibility for your relationship. Did you tell him that he wasn’t paying you enough attention? If you’re angry at your lover or want to “get them back” for some perceived injustice, think before you act. Will cheating really solve the problem, or will it just serve to continue an ugly cycle?

A successful, monogamous relationship relies on trust, openness, communication & intimacy. This cannot be avoided. Trust is huge. Even if you haven’t cheated on your partner but they believe you have, the relationship is as good as over. You will never entirely win it back, no matter how hard you try.

What I do know is that once your trust has been betrayed, it will sit in the back of your mind forever. Regardless of how they reassure you or promise it will never happen again, you have no reason to believe them. Your heart & mind will try to defend you by being constantly suspicious — which takes an enormous toll on any relationship. It’s said that jealousy, suspicion & lack of trust are the major relationship killers. It is exhausting to always feel like you have to keep your eye on what they’re doing; just as exhausting as it is to always feel you have to prove your monogamy.

I was once in what I thought was a monogamous relationship. It was early days, & as it turns out, the boy I thought I was in it with, thought differently. He slept with someone else & I was devastated. He apologised, blah blah blah, & we ended up together for several years. I am pretty sure that these days, if that same thing happened, I would have walked away. Instead, I spent years in a relationship where I felt like a fool; a glutton for punishment; the underdog. I felt like I had let him get away with murder, which was terrible for my self-esteem. We never talked about it, because I was scared to bring it up & thinking about it made me feel sick to my stomach. & so it continued, until I met someone else. So you can see how these things go.

People make mistakes, & that’s okay. But the real danger is in how those mistakes are interpreted, & the repercussions of those actions.

If someone cheats on you — well, it’s your life. You can live it however you want to. You can patch the relationship up, though you need to be aware that it will be a lot of work, & probably never go back to how it was before. Unfortunately, my money says that you will feel better about yourself if you walk away.

Good luck, kitten.

Extra For Experts:
The Myths Of Monogamy
Emotional affairs
Dear Peggy
Beyond Affairs
Peter Fox gives infidelity advice

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Fetish Wear

[ 31 December 2007, 13:39 ]

“I was wondering if you would write an article on fetish dressing. I always find fetish dressing comes off looking extremely tacky and “goth” looking which of course is not the way I want to look. I’d like to be able to incorporate items such as platform “hooker heels”, bondage corsets, pvc, etc. into a more neutral or even girly wardrobe.”

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. There is such a proliferation of cheap “fetish” gaments available, & sometimes it can seem like that’s the only way to make it work. Thankfully, one need not resort to “adult shops” that smell funny & are filled with men in trenchcoats & not much else! You can buy beautiful high-end fetish items online from companies like Coco de Mer, JT’s Stockroom & Madame S.

A lot of designers have also embraced fetish style & made it their own, with high fashion touches — which is great news.

I have to say, though, that while “hooker heels” may look alluring, & cost so little that it’s hard to say no, usually as soon as you wear them for any length of time, you will understand the price, & be wailing “no” all the way down the street. There’s nothing wrong with experimenting with the cheap stuff at first, so you can see whether it’s a style that is going to suit you or not — but if you want to keep it up, I suggest upgrading to the good stuff soon after.

I tend to think that there are a few pieces of criteria to make fetish dressing stylish rather than tacky.

Buy good quality pieces
It’s very easy to go to an adult shop & stock up on PVC trousers, Frankenstein-esque boots & spiked collars — but the reason it doesn’t look good is because you’re basically wearing a whole lot of garbage. PVC doesn’t breathe & you will end up a sweaty mess. In order for it to look more stylish & less goth, you need to buy things which are well made & will last. They must be made with high quality fabrics. Keep your eyes open for handbags or shoes with a PVC finish, anything with an extraneous buckle, things which are spikey, slinky, or exceptionally well-tailored.

Restrain yourself (hee hee)
If you want to give the appearance of being a kinky mistress (or whatever), it’s better to be subtle. You don’t need to walk around in ass-less chaps & a pair of thigh-high boots — it’s too obvious. You want people to give you sideways glances; you want people to have to work at it to figure you out. It’s always best to keep them guessing, & far more alluring. So, when you’re putting your fetish look together, only have a couple of pieces which allude to your cruel & deviant ways. Also, when you’re dressing like this, remember to show off ONE great asset at a time. If your top is all about cleavage, then don’t also show a mile of leg. Retain some modesty — it is much more alluring & stylish.

Do you
Remember — you are not pretending to be someone else, or wearing a costume — you are still you. While it can be fun to get into evil mistress character, it’s not Hallowe’en, & there’s a fine line between being stylish & ridiculous. By this, I mean: keep your make-up light. Don’t pull your hair back in an overly severe manner. Don’t be tempted to load your arms with leather gauntlets or draw angry black slashes around your eyes. Wear your favourite perfume — not Eau de Dungeon. Be charming; smile!

I went to my most recent crush, Polyvore, to see what I could whip up for you… Pun intended.

Helmet Lang crochet back sweater, Vanessa Bruno pleat detail skirt, Fendi large B buckle belt, Alexander McQueen patent Elvie bag, Balenciaga heels, sequinned eye mask from Monsoon, black riding crop, two-finger silver ring.

Derek Lam satin smock dress worn with Christian Louboutin studded mary jane platforms. Aren’t those shoes incredible?! Shoegasm! If this looks too simple, however, you could probably throw some white latex stockings into the mix to spice it up.

If you want to stock your wardrobe with a few stylish fetish essentials, you might want to seek out…
Thigh-high (or over-the-knee) boots
A waist cincher or corset (those crazy old goths have the best information on that)
Latex stockings or lamé leggings from American Apparel
A collar of some description — but no spikes, please!
A figure-enhancing pencil skirt
High-heel Oxfords or ankle boots with interesting detailing — buckles, buttons, straps etc.
Fishnet stockings
A big belt that sits on the waist that looks more like a saddle
Driving gloves
Chunky rings

& just for fun… What’s in my (fetish) handbag?!

Chloé Heloise patent tote, ‘whip me beat me bite me’ patch, ballgag, blindfold, handcuffs, whip, cat mask, Betsey Johnson python driving gloves, Kleenex (boo hoo!) & a Polaroid camera, for capturing those… delicate moments.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Christmas Cheer!

[ 17 December 2007, 14:58 ]

“It’s Christmas time as you know. Usually one of my favourite times, but this year, I’m not excited. Nothing is exciting me. I find it terribly upsetting but nothing is triggering those wonderful memories. All I can think about is the bad from last year, the things I don’t want to do this season. Needless to say sugarplums are not dancing in my head. I’ve drunk eggnog, hot cocoa, eaten candy canes… Still I find myself rather Grinch-ish. Are there any thoughts or ideas you could give me to brighten my cheer?”

Aw, darling! Sounds like you have the Christmas blues, like Dean Martin! Don’t worry, you’re not alone. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the crazy consumerism of Christmas & feel estranged from the positive aspects of the season.

To get rid of all the bad stuff from last year that is plaguing you, I suggest you try something which seems a little bit kooky but works. Lie down somewhere that you won’t be disturbed. Breathe deeply & get relaxed. Picture yourself on top of the world (it doesn’t have to be to scale!), & visualise a cord coming out of your spine. Have this cord connect you to the centre of the earth. I always see it like I’m dropping anchor — when my cord hits the centre of the earth, I visualise an anchor wrapping around the core of the planet. Now, imagine that cord is like a garbage chute. Allow all of the negative energy & ugly rubbish inside you going down that cord & disappearing into the middle of the earth. Okay, now picture a big jug. Take that jug & scoop some light off the sun. Pour that light all over you, from head to toe. Saturate yourself in it.

Now! Picture a huge rose off to one side of you. I always see a big Dali rose, but that’s just how I do! On the other side of you, make a movie of all the bad things which have happened this year. Maybe you stubbed your toe & your dog peed on your favourite coat — just see all that stuff happening. Grab it & throw it on the rose. Watch the rose soak it up. Then move that rose out of your house. Down the street, past the buildings, to the nearest body of water, like the ocean or a huge lake. Picture blowing it up like it was full of dynamite — just explode it. That’s all you need to do. I know it sounds very odd, but EFT sounds weird too, & that works, so you never know! Putting events into a rose & blowing it up is a really good thing to do before you go to sleep, too, if your mind is full of what’s been going on.

Okay, time to tackle the Christmas cheer dilemma! Here are my suggestions.

Buy pointsettias or Christmas lilies
Flowers are a fantastic way to raise your levels of happiness, regardless of the season — but at Christmas, buying something which smacks of the season is the best. Pointsettias are known as a classic Christmas bloom, as are Christmas lilies (my favourite). I have Christmas lilies on my desk right now, & they smell fantastic as well as providing entertainment — they’ve been opening today, which is a delight to observe.

Google “christmas events” + (your city)
Most cities have a lot of things going on over the Christmas period, not all of them for children (though it can be fun to get a photo with Santa, regardless of your age). For example, in Melbourne, one of the city squares has a big plastic Christmas tree which plays jazzed-up Christmas tunes, & there’s a light show on the ground next to it which makes it look like it’s snowing. I love it! There will surely be something weird & seasonal happening near you — all you have to do is find it!

Put up a Christmas tree
It doesn’t have to be big — even a teeny one the size of your hand will do the trick. One year, my parents & I spent Christmas in Noumea, & since we were going to be staying in a hotel room, my mother decided we should bring Christmas with us. She carried a little plastic tree with her onto the plane, through customs, & out the other side. All the airport staff thought we were hilarious. Anyway, trimming a tree is a lovely thing to do & will definitely help get you into the spirit. If you don’t want to spend lots of money, decorate whatever plants you have in your house. Tie a red ribbon around the pot of a cactus, or string pearls around the trunk of a ficus. Also, IKEA has amazingly inexpensive fairy lights, some of which are battery powered — perfect for winding around branches.

Go & see other people’s Christmas decorations
There is always one crazy street which is the Christmas street. There are so many lights draped over the houses that the whole area is like daylight all the time. Find out where this happens in your town, & then go & gawk! Remember to take a camera (& maybe a tripod) so you can nab some fantastic pictures.

Watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
“Hallelujah! ... Holy sh#t! ... Where’s the Tylenol?!” is my new text message alert tone.

Go to a Christmas service
I know that churches aren’t everyone’s cup of tea — they’re not mine either, really. But I do love Christmas carols. I think it’s part of my Anglican school upbringing — I just adore them. There is something magnificent about groups of people singing together. See? Even if you aren’t very familiar with most Christmas songs, go to a carol service just to listen. I promise you will feel happier & full of hope when it’s over.

Start compiling a Christmas playlist
Preferably made up of songs which don’t make you want to throw yourself out the window. Try things like Run DMC’s Christmas In Hollis & Eartha Kitt’s Santa Baby. & don’t forget Wham’s Last Christmas! Love the hair, Georgey Baby!

If Christmas seems too pointless…
...Watch this & focus on something else, as well as printing & distributing this poster.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tomboy Boot Camp

[ 12 December 2007, 15:26 ]

“I was a tomboy as a child, then as a teenager I had an ubercasual, slightly androgynous style (jeans/tees/trainers). But now I’m rapidly approaching 20 and desperate to look and feel feminine and sophisticated. I tried to throw myself in at the deep end by buying a couple of pretty skirts, but I feel overdressed and awkward so I’ve never actually worn them outside my flat. How can I ease myself gradually into this girly stuff (without feeling like a drag queen)? And how can I look feminine and still be casual for uni?”

Consider androgyny
Dresses aren’t for everyone, & there is no point forcing yourself to dress in a way that doesn’t suit your personality or lifestyle. If you’re most comfortable dressing like a tomboy, consider upgrading to a more androgynous appearance. There is nothing wrong with looking androgynous — in fact, I think it’s an incredibly sexy style. The difference between being a tomboy & a hot androgynous girl-thing is the polish. Tomboys don’t brush their hair or they just throw it back into a ponytail; androgynous girls have great haircuts which they tousle to make it look like they just finished having sex. Tomboys don’t wear make-up; androgynous girls use a bit of foundation to even out their complexion & smudge some pencil around their eyes to make them look smoky & mysterious. Tomboys wear ill-fitting jeans & a baggy t-shirt; androgynous girls wear fitted black jeans or tailored black pants & a skinny-cut business shirt or interesting vintage tee. Do you see the difference? Androgyny requires effort, as dressing “femme” does — it’s just a variation.

Work with your own style
If jeans & a t-shirt are what you’re comfortable in, use that as a base to start from. You don’t have to wear floral tea dresses & knit blankets for everyone you meet! If you like to wear pants, then do that — just approach it differently. Make sure your pants fit you. Pick a cut that is flattering, that makes you look tall & slender. Check out your booty in the mirror — a good pair of pants are like a booster bra for your bum, rather than a minimising bandage. Instead of buying big, loose hoodies, buy a cardigan that reaches your hips, a vintage tuxedo jacket, or a v-neck cashmere sweater. Basically, think of your original style, but make it luxe. That means quality fabrics & flattering cuts.

Dabble with jewellery
You don’t have to start walking around like you own a diamond mine, but a little bit of jewellery is a really nice accent. Think of it as a personal signature. Of course, given that you probably won’t be wearing much of it, make sure that you buy something you absolutely love. Your skin tone will tend to dictate whether gold or silver suits you better. Gold is good for warm tones (people with olive skin, for example), while silver, white gold or platinum tends to look better on anyone who is pale. A fine chain with a couple of charms on it makes for a really nice signature necklace, just like a couple of plain bangles or a simple ring will. You don’t need to go for the gaudy stuff unless you really want to. (I can never resist, but then, that’s just my style.) I always think it’s worth spending the money on good jewellery. You get what you pay for, & if you buy something that is good quality, it will last you a really long time.

Buy one skirt
This step is optional, but if you do want to venture into more feminine pastures, buying one skirt is a good way to start. The reason for only buying one skirt is that it is really non-threatening. If you end up never wearing it, it’s only one item — not five, so there’s less guilt about seeing it in your closet. Plus, if you buy well, you’ll be able to coordinate it with lots of things in your wardrobe. I would suggest going for a pencil, maxi or pleated knee-length skirt in a neutral colour like black or grey. You can wear any of those with a fitted t-shirt, singlet, vest or business shirt (loosened at the collar with rolled-up sleeves, please!).

Upgrade your footwear
If you only wear sneakers & would like to continue in that grand tradition, that is totally cool — but just step it up a bit. Buy a pair of decked-out sequin Converse, or glitter customised Nikes. Check out Sneaker Freaker for the latest information on the sweetest kicks. Alternatively, if you prefer boots, just move higher up the boot food chain. I am a huge fan of Frye boots, though a great pair of cowboy boots are always cool & very versatile. Now, for the really daring — high heels! Start with a low-ish heel, & see how you go. There’s no point in buying a 6” heel & then breaking your ankle! You can also try a kitten heel to start, though I agree with Victoria Beckham when she says…

“I think a lot of women see them as the wearable compromise to high heels, but in fact they have none of the benefits of high heels yet also none of the casual ease of flats. High heels elongate your leg because they pull up your calf muscles; kitten heels make your muscles tense & swell up; high heels hoist you up; kitten heels make you slump. But most of all, they make your feet look bigger: they emphasise the feet by having them point downwards. There is nothing wrong with big feet but in this case they will look out of proportion to the rest of your body.”

Anyway, it’s your choice! Read How To Buy A Good Pair Of Shoes & How To Walk In High Heels before you set off on a shopping expedition!

Grooming is key
As I said above, the one thing that separates tomboys from everyone else is the grooming aspect. Grooming — to me, at least — means having a good haircut & looking after it, taking care of your skin, wearing a little bit of make-up & having neat nails. It also covers a gamut of little things, such as wearing clean clothes, fixing any holes or rips, not having your underwear show above your jeans, etc. Doing all these things might seem like a lot of effort, but really it’s just like any routine. You’ll get used to it & the benefits are enormous. I know that I always feel much more presentable (& therefore good about myself) when I have a great manicure & an immaculate haircut. It will be similar for you!

Get thee to a make-up counter
Go to a counter you like the look of (I recommend MAC & NARS), tell one of the assistants that you’re trying to bust out of your old tomboy habits, & ask them to help you. They will probably be delighted. Like Cher says in Clueless: “Ooh, project!” Get the assistant to make you up & observe what they’re doing. Ask lots of questions & don’t be afraid — most of these people are in make-up artistry because they love it & want to help other people. When it comes to purchasing, I recommend obtaining a bottle of foundation, some concealer, a tube of mascara & a black or brown eyeliner pencil. A separate brush for your foundation & concealer are a good idea too. Take your loot home & start experimenting!

Empty your pockets!
No, not just when you’re paying for your new purchases! Stop storing things in your pockets! It is unsightly & silly. Buy a bag that you like & start carrying things around in that, instead. When you buy it, look at the hardware (the metal clasps). Are they gold or silver? If you want to look put-together, the hardware on your bag should match the jewellery you wear. Just a little tip!

Outfit ideas

Cropped tuxedo jacket by Oli; Disney magic castle necklace; t-shirt by Imaginary Foundation; grey cigarette trousers by Topshop; CC Skye leather chain bracelet; Betseyville Glitterati roll satchel; gold python belt by V.B.H.; Kenzie ankle boots.

James Perse cashmere v-neck; wool & cashmere fringed scarf; Marc Jacobs padlock heart charm watch; Falke over-the-knee socks; RM Pandora shorts; chap ankle boots by Steve Madden.

Feminising your tomboy style is a gradual process. You’re not going to wake up one day & feel like it’s time to float away on a cloud of gossamer petticoats — it’s something you’ll (hopefully) continue to tweak as your style & life progresses. There’s no sense in forcing yourself to dress in a way that makes you feel ridiculous, so just make little changes & see how you go. You will make mistakes, but don’t let that scare you off. Just see it as a normal stumbling block on the way towards a more refined you!

Extra For Experts:
Clothes Shopping Tips
Fashion Help For Recovering Goths
Hand & Nail Care
How Wearing Make-Up Affects Your Career
Making Short Hair More Interesting
How To Choose A Flattering Haircut
The Essential Guide To Dressing For Your Shape

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Eye Make-Up Questions!

[ 9 December 2007, 16:20 ]

I recently received this email…

“Currently, I use a black pencil eyeliner on my bottom lash, and use mascara. I’d like to create a smoky effect but I don’t want to buy heaps. Is there some sort of special brush I can use to smudge it in?

Ever since going to my friend’s house and we had a makeover, my friend did my make-up and she made me look like a clown. Ever since I’ve been worried about trying new make-up but I guess I should move on, because I like to try new things. I have blue eyes, and colours like green eye shadow are meant to suit me. I’ve tried green but it looks awful. I’d like to wear eye shadow because I’d like to buy all the colours and experiment in the mornings. I’d like to try pink, but do you think it would look wrong?

Also, I’ve read in some fashion magazines about glittery eyeliners. I went into Boots today and saw a very nice glittery pink eyeliner. But surely just wearing that, it won’t be noticeable? Is there anything you’re meant to wear with it as well?”

When I do a smoky eye, I use a teeny little brush to blend my kohl eyeliner pencil. I can’t find my brush online, but I think it’s worth your time to get your hands on the MAC Cosmetics 211 Fine Point Pencil Brush. It should do the trick. Just smudge smudge smudge. Also, when I do a smoky eye, I usually use a dark brown instead of black. (I like Teddy by MAC.) It’s not as harsh as black & I think it’s actually better at bringing out the subtle tones in blue or green eyes.

I have blue eyes too, as you may have noticed, & I use green eye shadow quite regularly. The one thing you need to be aware is that not all greens will suit you — just as not all purples, pinks, reds or blues will suit you. I can wear some shades of yellow, for example, but mustard yellow is a major no-no. If you have no idea what colours suit you, read Fashion Help For Recovering Goths. Then get your booty to a make-up counter where a trained professional can help you. Tell someone that you’d like to be able to wear green, but you’re not sure which shades suit you. They will show you an array of colours & help you find one that works with your eyes.

I regularly use eye shadows in various shades of pink. Again, it’s all about knowing which tones work with your skin & your eyes. I love deep pink as well as raspberry, but frosted baby pink makes me look like I’m Dynasty. Go to a make-up counter, have a play, ask some questions.

It’s hard to say what the glittery pink eyeliner will look like on you without seeing it. Is it a liquid, a pencil, a loose dust? Some glittery pink eyeliner is fine & light, whereas some is thick & vibrant. The way it looks will also depend on whether you are from Sudan or Sweden! I advise trying it on your skin before you buy it. If you’re applying something with a powder base to your face, a bit of water can help bind it to the skin, whereas if you’re using a kohl eyeliner, using some concealer & a neutral base eye shadow underneath will allow the eyeliner to make much more impact.

If you want to learn about make-up, my best advice is this:

Buy a set of brushes. MAC Cosmetics do starter sets of them every Christmas, & they are absolutely worth the money.
Make friends with the girls at your favourite make-up counter.
Ask questions.
Read about it. Kevyn Aucoin’s books (Face Forward & Making Faces) are like bibles — worship them!
Take a short make-up course if you can, or attend the classes held by make-up companies.
Play, play, play.

Really, you are going to learn the most from standing in the front of the mirror & making mistakes. Don’t be afraid to try new things — even the most theoretically incorrect technique can yield great results, & of course, wearing anything with a bit of confidence & sass goes a long way.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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My Boyfriend Doesn't Want Me To Get Tattoos!

[ 7 December 2007, 10:51 ]

“I desperately want to get a large tattoo on each of my arms, not quite as big as yours. The designs are beautiful, made up of things that are really important in my life, like symbols of my family, freedom and creativity. The only trouble is that my boyfriend utterly despises tattoos and has said himself he would find me less attractive if I had them done. He’s never ever said anything like that before and I don’t know what to do. Did people try to talk you out of getting inked?”

In life, you need to accept that people are going to feel the need to give you their opinion on what you’re doing. It doesn’t matter whether you ask them or not — it’s a fact that most people feel entitled to telling other people what they should do with their lives. Not that it matters what they say — of course, it doesn’t. The most important thing is that you’re happy with your decisions. But it will still occur.

When you’re making unconventional sartorial or aesthetic choices, this is doubly true. I cannot tell you how many people comment on my outfit, accessories or hair in the street. About 98% of the time, the feedback is positive — but not always. If someone doesn’t like your dress & expresses disapproval, & the negative attention makes you feel self-conscious or badly-dressed or otherwise… well, you can always take it off. With tattoos, however, it is slightly different.

Getting a tattoo is a major commitment & it’s really something that you should give a lot of thought to. You will have them forever. When you’re 18, you don’t think much about that, but when you’re 25, you do.

I think the most important thing here is that we should never allow people to bully us away from living the life we want. I don’t know if your boyfriend is bullying you, or just giving you his opinion, but quite frankly, it doesn’t really matter. You know what you want, so you should go after that with all your might. You are not living your life for HIM — you are living it for you.

As for your boyfriend’s comments about finding you less attractive — I really don’t think that’s about the tattoos. It might seem like that on the surface, but I think there is something deeper going on there. Maybe he likes his women ultra-feminine; perhaps he wants his own but is too afraid & therefore jealous of your declarations; maybe he thinks his parents will judge you harshly; perhaps he has high-society aspirations & thinks that a girl with tattoos will, ultimately, not fit the bill.

It seems slightly ironic that your tattoos symbolise freedom & your boyfriend is so vehemently against them. You might want to talk with him about that, & yes, it will probably be like pulling teeth, but some people just don’t know how to communicate.

On the other hand, it’s okay to have different opinions — it’s what makes the world interesting. What you do with your body is absolutely none of his business, & I would be inclined to think that someone who says they would find you “less attractive” if you had some ink probably has issues of their own.

If you come home with tattoos, will he break up with you? Probably not, but maybe. If he gave you the flick over something so irrelevant, would that really be a huge loss? Tattoos don’t hurt anyone (well, except you!) & they are a very valid form of expression. If you wanted to run off & shoot heroin for a month, I would understand his concerns — but what you desire is safe, fun & beautiful. Is he likely to try & prevent you from doing other things in the future? If he is, maybe it’s time to take stock of your relationship & evaluate where it’s going. Having the freedom to be yourself should be high on your list of priorities, & any job, family members, friends or lovers who try to impinge on that should be told (in no uncertain terms) to take a flying leap.

Oh, & to answer your question — people have tried to “talk me out” of all kinds of things, including changing my name, leaving jobs I hated & starting this website. I listen, but I only heed the words of a few. Doing what other people tell you isn’t brave or bold or empowering. Think for yourself & live on your own terms — that is true courage in action.

As always, someone else said it best.

“Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.” — Mark Twain

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Totalitarian Daddy

[ 4 December 2007, 14:48 ]

“After reading your article on Negative People, I have realized how many negative people I actually have in my life. So, as part of striving to be my own person and expunge myself from these beings, it’s come to my attention that the main negative people that are in my life are my parents, or more specifically, my father. As I’m still 18 and living at home, are there any suggestions you have as to how to deal with his mind-numbing totalitarian ruling and break out from the impact he is having on my life?”

Before I get into answering your question, let me tell you a few things I’ve learned about parents in my mammoth (ha!) 24 years on earth.

They are people first & parents second.
All parents make mistakes — that’s how they learn.
They are trying to do better than their parents did (& we’ve all heard stories about how awful their parents could be).
Usually, they behave the way they do because they love us & are trying to protect us.

While there are some exceptions — such as in the case of parents who are abusive — most parents are just trying to raise their children as best they can. I really take my hat off to parents all around the world, because raising a child is an enormous, intimidating, challenging & ultimately, pretty thankless job.

Think about it. You have your life, & it’s going fairly well. Then, all of a sudden, this tiny thing appears, & you have to guide it through life. Teach her to read. Teach her table manners. Teach her to respect herself. Make sure she doesn’t get hit by a car. All of these things. It is a terrifying responsibility.

Now, this doesn’t excuse the behaviour of some parents, but for most of us — well, it makes the situation a little more clear.

Okay, back to your question. Of course, the most obvious solution is to leave home, which is definitely the best option. When you leave home & start to live alone, that distance from your parents, over time, allows you to realise what good people they actually are. Having that space is really important, & it will completely change the relationship you have with your parents, I promise you that much. Not to mention, your independence from them will (hopefully) prove to them that you’re not a child anymore.

You will have your own place. It may not be as nice as the home you share with your parents, but it will be yours alone, & for that reason, you will love it. You can play music loudly until 4 in the morning, eat ice-cream for dinner, leave your dirty clothes all over the place & never hang up another towel. If your parents want to visit, you can negotiate a time that works for both of you. You’ll get a job & spend your money in a wildly irreponsible manner — probably on a really expensive brooch or pair of shoes. You will learn a lot about yourself, & your adventures as an adult will begin.

The thing with moving away — which is a very simple resolution — is that there is a risk that your father will still try to run your life. If you don’t know how to stop him from controlling you, it will continue forever, regardless of where you live. So many people are still beholden to their parents, & not even necessarily in the way you would think. Some people are still desperate for their parents approval, & will pursue careers that they think will make their parents happy. Other people will do everything in their power to be the absolute opposite of their mother — which of course means that Mummy is still in charge, & you are still living your life around her example.

I remember reading something once which said you can call yourself an adult when you sincerely do not care what your parents think. Not in a teenage rebellion kind of way, but in a way where their opinions do not affect you in any way. You don’t feel the need to impress or them or rebel against them — you are happy with yourself & do what pleases you.

It’s a complicated issue. I really think the best way to deal with your totalitarian father is to work on yourself, & you can do this whether you live under his roof or not. I guess the crux of it is that we can’t change people, but we can change our reactions to people. Your father has been treating you this way for 18 years. Why would he stop now? This is the way he has learned to relate to you, & that will continue until you do something about it.

Use EFT to get rid of the anger
Hating your father doesn’t help anyone. It will make you miserable & bitter — it doesn’t improve your life in any way. Use EFT to remove any negative emotions you have towards him. You might find that this completely changes the way he relates to you (stranger things have happened), but if not, at least you will be happy & not harbouring a grudge. Being angry at anyone is really just allowing them control of your life. Don’t buy into it!

Work on your self-esteem
Read my article How To Be Confident for ideas on how to do this. Above all, remember that you’re a good person. One thing I’ve learned recently is that the happier & more content you are with yourself, the less anyone else can affect you. Do you think the Dalai Lama has a cry anyone says he’s an insert-insult-here? I don’t. People who love themselves are totally bulletproof when it comes to verbal sparring.

Take control of your own life
You need to prove that you are in charge of your own life. If you’re on the phone to your father & he is rude to you or says something which upsets you, tell him as much. If he apologises, fine. If he doesn’t, hang up the phone. Similarly, in person, if he is trying to tell you what to do, don’t take it. Walk away or tell him to look after his own life. Some people allow their parents to get away with murder, just because they’re related to one another. Don’t be one of those people — don’t allow yourself to be a doormat. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, stop associating with them. The same rule applies from lovers to grandparents.

Learn new ways to react
If your father is yelling at you, don’t yell back. It will only get worse from there. Stand there & speak reasonably to him. He will probably stop yelling. Standing up to people is a learning process. There is a fine line between being passive & being calm, just like there is a fine line between being assertive & being aggressive. Practice makes perfect. The most important thing to remember about this is that you set the tone. If someone else is having a tantrum, you be the adult, you take control. Make them come up to your level. This will drastically alter the way you relate to one another.

Believe in yourself
Regardless of what your father may say to you, it’s what you believe about yourself that matters. He is allowed to have a different opinion, but stick to your guns. Let’s face it, his life is almost over while yours is just beginning — & you are in charge of yourself. The most important thing is that you make yourself happy & don’t let his limiting beliefs affect your quality of life. Sometimes when parents try to dissuade us from doing things, they’re not trying to be a wet blanket — they’re trying to protect us from failure or hardship or heartbreak. This can be hard to see in the heat of the moment, but it usually comes from a good place. Be your own cheerleader.

Entertain the wild notion that you might be wrong
I know it sounds crazy, but it might be worth considering whether you are, at times, being unreasonable. I know that when I lived at home, I expected money on demand, food on demand, lots of time to myself (mostly to play on the internet, gee, how times have changed) & to be able to sleep for extended periods. I would get angsty over being asked to set the table, or empty the dishwasher, or pull the curtains. Looking back, I know that I was just being a total pain in the ass, & have since apologised to my parents. Anyway, my point is, hormones make you mental & parents do too, so acting like a turd is pretty much par for the course. Try to be as objective about it as you can, & try to be nice to your parents, too.

Remember that your father is human
I think that a lot of us, as children, think that just because our parents are adults, that means they have things all figured out. Newsflash: They don’t. They are growing & learning & changing just like we are. Many of them are still working out who they are at age 45. Parents have their own problems & challenges, things that can be hard for somewhat self-involved teenagers to comprehend. Have a little compassion, if you can!

Honestly, though, if you’re living under his roof, unfortunately, he makes the rules. Don’t be surprised if he says you have to move out after you start to grapple with the remote control of your own life. Think of it as a blessing — in a year’s time, you will probably call him to say thank you.

Extra For Experts:
How can I free myself of my parents’ control? from salon.com. Gosh, Cary Tennis is good.
I’m OK, You’re My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger, & Create a Relationship That Works by Dale Atkins.
My parents control me! from Tiscali.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: advice, how to, life
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Life After School

[ 27 November 2007, 13:45 ]

“I was wondering, for us younger readers, how is life after high school? Is college easier, harder, less, or more work? What about after that? Do your goals change? What about your personality? Are you able to go through a “self-discovery” period or do you just get thrown into life right away? As a young adult, what are your thoughts about all this? How was high school different for you?”

I can only tell you about my own experiences, but I’d be thrilled if my sweet nonpareils wanted to chip in & speak about how leaving high school was for them.

I went to a very prestigious all-girl Anglican school. While good times were had, mostly I loathed it & everyone in it. (Bear in mind, at the time, I was an angry gothlette!) Conforming was valued above all things, & while some of the teachers encouraged my unusual spirit, most of them seemed determined to crush it into the ground. It was very confusing for me, because my parents had always applauded my individuality, so I was constantly battling against the school while at the same time trying not to get myself expelled.

For example, when I was 15, I went on a school trip to Germany/France/Austria. I was in a “black clothes” phase — actually I was for most of my school years — & so before we left, the head of the form told me that I wouldn’t be allowed to go if I insisted on wearing “those witch clothes”. Yes. I had to BUY non-black clothing as a condition of going overseas. What a load. It makes me angry to this day! How ridiculous!

Anyway, you can understand my consternation. I really disliked this place. I had been at Anglican single-sex schools my entire life & I was totally over it. My parents aren’t religious; I think the schools I went to were chosen on their scholastic merits more than anything else, so it was really just coincidental pain. When I was in 6th Form, I decided that I didn’t want to do the last year of school (7th Form) at my school, I wanted to go to a public high school — which was mixed-sex & didn’t require a uniform. I thought this was the best decision of my life.

I went to see the dean & explained to her that I wanted to switch schools next year. She gave me a strange look & asked if I was intending on going to university. I said yes. She told me that she thought 7th Form would be extraneous & unnecessary, & that she thought I should go straight to university. I remember very clearly her telling me that she wouldn’t endorse the other girls in my form who wanted to go on to university early, because they weren’t as “socially able” as I was. Of course, I was flattered & since she was an adult & knew my abilities, I figured she was probably right. I took her advice & went to university the next year under something called provisional entrance.

I was really excited about starting university. I decided that I wanted to study criminal psychology (I had a thing for serial killers for a long time) as part of a Bachelor of Arts. I enrolled & chose classes, among them psychology, English & computer science. My English class was painfully dull & my computer science class was a joke — I was the best person there. I learned that in order to major in psychology, you had to take statistics. I started taking statistics. The class was at 9am & I found it hard to grasp maths at noon, let alone first thing in the morning. I started to feel like maybe I was out of my depth. Oh, did I mention that I had stopped studying maths two years previously?

My classes were incredibly boring & I didn’t know anyone. I started to feel resentful of going to these dull lectures when I had just finished 11 years of school. I just wanted a break! I didn’t feel like I really knew what I wanted to do with my life, & I was aware of how ridiculous it was to try & plot my future — as well as spending a lot of money doing so — at age 17. I stopped going to classes & dropped out.

I was still living at home & my parents weren’t going to have some girl lying around the house all day, so they told me I had to get a job.

My first job was at a bank, dealing with home loans & term deposits. I was on the phones & I had to wear a suit, even though no one could see me. This bothered me. I wore New Rock combat boots with my suit & called it even. My job sucked. Hard. I spent all the money I earned — & it was a very decent starter salary — on plane tickets to Auckland to see my new love interest. I called in sick a lot. After 6 months of this charade, I quit & moved to Auckland.

The next job was at a university bookshop, where I was the book buyer for all the fiction & non-fiction books. (Someone else bought stationery, & someone else again bought all the textbooks.) Again, I had to wear a uniform. The actual job was okay but my manager was a total nightmare. To this day, if I smell the perfume she used to wear, hairs stand up on the back of my neck. I quit.

Then I worked at an ISP, which was rubbish but the people were awesome, the dress code was totally lax & I got to play around on the internet all day. Awesome. I quit that job to go on a European holiday with my boyfriend. When I came back from that holiday, I worked selling advertising for a newspaper (over the phone). It was bad. We didn’t use computers. We used phone books. We had to cold-call all kinds of companies & sell them ads. God, it was terrible. I hated it & slacked off. They fired me & I cried about it on the phone to my boyfriend & he said he was glad because the job was making me miserable.

I did half a day at a coffee shop. I worked six months at a recruitment agency. I did lots & lots of temp jobs. Then, finally, miraculously, I got a job at Lush, which was amazing. I managed a shop for a year & a half & loved all of it, except for perhaps the last two months when my extremely unpleasant & manipulative colleague started to get the better of me. I did more temp work, worked for NZ Post & then I moved to Australia & started iCiNG. That about brings us up to date.

I basically spent 5 years bouncing around, doing various jobs & working out what I liked & what I disliked. Also, somewhere in that time, I did a bunch of freelance writing work, & a Diploma in Publishing by correspondence, which covered copy-editing, print layout, etc. I loved it & it was exactly what I wanted to learn.

To answer your questions…

College/university is, indeed, hard work. If you really love what you’re doing, it probably isn’t so bad, but there is a reason why so many people change majors & entire degrees so often. I had never had to work hard at school & I realised, quickly, that university is very different. It is a rude awakening & I think a lot of people sink or swim. Of course, liking what you’re studying will help decide whether you succeed or falter.

Going to work can, unfortunately, be a bleak, soul-crushing experience, & the hardest thing is maintaining your spirit throughout that. Get as much experience as you can, work out what you like & then do that. Don’t feel like you have to stay in any one job. Make a list of the attributes of your job that you like & make a conscious effort to go for those things in the future. Don’t get a job on the phones if it makes you want to top yourself. You have other options, always.

Your goals change a lot & your personality does too. I am completely different person now to who I was when I left school (& thankful for it)! But these things will change at unusual times. Maybe you’ll have a lover who encourages you. Or maybe you’ll have a lover who hates his or her job & will teach you that a grinding existence is the only way. There’s no knowing what will happen to you when you leave school, & that’s part of the fun of it. It took me a few years to work out that I wanted to have my own magazine, & even then, it has warped into this online beastie! Not exactly what I was imagining, but I am really happy with how it has turned out.

While it sounds good to go through a “self-discovery period” as you sit alone in a field somewhere, that’s not really how life is. If you leave school & go straight to university, you have no time to chill out & be yourself — you will be running from class to class & kissing professor’s asses & handing in rushed essays. You will learn more about yourself from travelling or living by yourself than you will from going to university, in my opinion.

Another thing I feel very strongly about is that we should all be aware of the social pressures to push kids straight from school into tertiary education. It’s a fantastic business model — after all, universities exist to make money — but it doesn’t have the best interests of the students at heart. Universities benefit from having young students who don’t know what they’re doing. They fail lots of classes because of lack of passion or interest, they change degrees, they do an extra year or two — & it all amounts to ka-ching for them.

Unless you know what you want to do — & you’re really sure about it — don’t go to university straight away. Take a couple of years off. Work somewhere. Go travelling. Have adventures. Write a novel. Cook a meal for your friends every night. Work out what you like doing & what you have no interest in: things which are hard to work out when you’re at school & people are constantly pushing & pulling you in various directions. There is more to life than academia. Much more. Go climb a mountain in Nepal & then get back to me.

It breaks my heart to see talented people at university who hate it. One of my beautiful friends is an incredible, mind-blowing artist at university, & for some reason she has this idea that she needs a degree to be successful. What?! She’s an ARTIST! How will having a degree help her draw better? Just go out there & do what you do! Do it with passion & fervour & determination & there is no way you cannot do well!

I am so glad that I left school early to check out university. It wasn’t for me, but that’s okay. In the past 5 years I have learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned that a sterile office environment makes me want to amputate parts of my anatomy. I’ve learned that doing phone work is a really great way to lose faith in humanity. I’ve learned what I want to do & I’ve learned a lot about people. Most of all, I’ve learned that if I want an amazing working environment, I need to create it myself.

A lot of the girls I went to school with have just graduated university & are now looking for the first jobs. I wouldn’t trade that for all the money in the world. I am so happy & blessed to have had my experiences & to now own my own business at 24. I would never have done this if I had been at university all this time.

One of the biggest myths about school is that it’s “the best time of your life”. Maybe it’s the best time of your life according to sad people who gave up on their dreams 50 years ago. But for those of us with a love of life & a drive to make it into something better, the best times are yet to come.

Extra For Experts:
Why You Need A Degree To Work For BigCo

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Unrequited Love

[ 25 November 2007, 16:51 ]

As far as life experiences go, I would say you probably haven’t lived if you’ve never experienced the highs & lows of unrequited love. It is a crazy, heart-wrenching rollercoaster, & often we feel like we are the only person in the world who is secretly pining for someone else.

You’re definitely not the only person, though. Unrequited love is such a widespread phenomenon that there is even an entry about it on Wikipedia. I especially like the “unrequited love themes in music” section, since it mentions two of my favourite artists — Atmosphere & Damien Rice — as well as information about this song.

I tried to give you consolation, when your old man had let you down. Like a fool, I fell in love with you, you turned my whole world upside down. Layla, you’ve got me on my knees. Layla, begging darling please. Layla, darling won’t you ease my worried mind?

Unrequited love takes a lot of forms. Maybe you’re secretly in love with your best friend but don’t know how to tell them — & loathe having to grin & bear it while they tell you about their latest crush. Perhaps you are head over heels for your personal assistant. Maybe your casual fling has turned into something more emotionally serious — for you, anyway. Or perhaps you have a raging infatuation with that messy, sleepy-looking kid on the train.

Regardless, it is a unique experience. The sweet pull of joy tempered by feelings of despair. Ahhh. No wonder it’s such a pervasive theme in literature & music. Unrequited love makes you feel like you are going to explode with hope but at the same time, you wonder whether maybe this is the final straw, & you are actually going to lose your mind once & for all. You feel like you need to be in contact with the object of your affections at all times. You wonder what they’re doing. You make up excuses to call or see them. You hang off their every word — even the stupid ones. You make excuses for their bizarre behaviour. You manage, somehow, to twist everything around so that it is about you.

It reminds me of a scene from 10 Things I Hate About You.

Cameron: So, then Bianca says that I was right. That she didn’t wear the Kenneth Coles with that dress because she thought it was mixing genres. Right? And the fact that I noticed — and this is a direct quote – “really meant something.”
Michael: You told me that part already.

The hardest thing about unrequited love is knowing when to call it quits. Some people meet someone they can never have & spend — literally — the rest of their life yearning. As you can probably imagine, this is a recipe for misery. There is more to life than the affections of one person, even though it may not seem that way at the time!

How to deal with unrequited love

Decide that it’s over
Hopefully, if you’re dealing with unrequited love, you have come to the conclusion that nothing is ever really going to happen. Maybe you’ve told them about your feelings, & they laughed it off nervously. Or perhaps it has been months, & still nothing — not even harmless flirting from their side. At some point, you have to decide that enough is enough, & that it’s time to move on with your life.

If you need a bit of incentive, give this some thought. You’re pretty amazing, right? I would go so far as to say that you are incredible, mind-blowing & magnifique! Well, if this person was actually as great as you think they are, they would have realised how fabulous you are long ago, & pounced on you already… but they haven’t. It is a sad but true fact. They are obviously not that incredible, so you just need to go & shine your light somewhere else.

Break contact
It will be good for your sanity if you give yourself some space to decompress. The last thing you need when you’re trying to get over someone is having them in your face all the time. Especially if they’re being sweet & concerned — how aggravating! The way in which you initiate the separation is up to you & it will depend on your personality. Some people like to just disappear off the radar. Others like to explain themselves. If you’re going to go the explanation route, I would advise not making it too dramatic, tempting though it may be. This is a statement of intent, not a dramatic flourish where you’re secretly hoping that they will plead for you to stay. Keep it simple. You can tell the truth if you want, or make up something about a sick aunt somewhere. Whatever the case, make it as low drama as possible. Seriously, who has time for that crap?

Hide mementos
Yes, it’s finally time to clean your bedroom. Get a plastic bag & fill it with all that stuff that reminds you of the object of your affections. The sweater they left behind, a butterfly-shaped hairclip, Polaroids of the two of you together, the lock of their hair you stole from their hairdresser (you sicko!), etc. Throw it all in the bag. Then take that bag & put it somewhere you’re not going to see it. The back of the garage is a good place, or perhaps stashed behind your cello case. Leave it there. Don’t be tempted to go rummaging through it. If it will help, write “DON’T” on the outside of the bag in black marker.

Give digital temptations the heave-ho
Delete their email address from your email client. Archive (or delete) their old emails. Remove their number from your cellphone. Take them off your Livejournal, Myspace & Facebook friends lists. Unsubscribe from their RSS feed or delete the bookmark of their Flickr account. You get the idea. Basically, make it really difficult for you to contact them. Trust me, this will be a good thing at 3am in the morning when you’re plonkered & all you want to do is call them & confess your love.

Tap
Use EFT to detach emotionally from the situation. Do a couple of rounds while saying, “Even though I love ____ & he/she doesn’t feel the same way, & even though it makes me feel rejected & ugly & not good enough, I deeply & completely love & accept myself…” or something similar. Take a deep breath. Drink some water. Now, don’t you feel about 200% better?

Realise that you don’t control anyone else
This is probably the most important step. If you don’t follow any of my other advice, this is the one you need to pay attention to! This is pretty much the advice I give to anyone who asks me, “I like this guy but he doesn’t seem to pay me any attention, what should I do?” The answer is simple — just let it go & realise that you cannot make anyone do anything, & if you try, you will only come face to face with resentment, bitterness & anger. Not very conducive to true love!

People have their own lives: they are on their own path & you should respect that. Think about how much you value your own free-will, & how much you dislike it when anyone — well-intentioned or not — tries to meddle with it. Now, step back & wise up to the fact that the object of your affections deserves the same courtesy & space. Regardless of what you may think, you do not know what is best for them. Only they do. So let go.

The more desperately you grasp at someone, the further away they will slip. People drift naturally towards & away from people, & the less importance you attach to that, the better. Don’t take it personally & put it down to the natural ebb & flow of the universe. In summary: Maintain control of your own life & don’t make anyone else’s your business. It will make you much happier.

Embrace your life
Make regular appointments to see your friends, get your hair done, play air hockey, bake cakes & go on roadtrips. The best way to forget someone is to start turning your life into the magnum opus you have always dreamed it could be. If you’re having fun & really living in the moment, that silly misguided fool will be the furtherest thing from your mind. Go out & dance, kiss cute people, eat enormous hamburgers, buy a typewriter, paint your bedroom, make a five year plan. & read this for reinforcement whenever you need it.

What to do if you’re in love with someone who is in a relationship

Back away, slowly. Odds are extremely good that they aren’t going to leave their partner for you — & even if they do, they will need time to grieve their past relationship. Otherwise there is a strong chance that your entire relationship with them will be composed of transference of emotion — nothing more. You deserve better.

While I am normally a strong advocate of the “Always Tell People How You Feel!” method, when it comes to someone who is in a relationship, it’s really best to keep it to yourself. Even if the object of your affections is always complaining about his girlfriend, you’re only hearing one side of the story. Maybe they use all that aggression & frustration as foreplay — you never know!

Think seriously about what will happen if you tell John that you love him. He will be confused & in a very awkward situation. His wife, Natasha, is going to loathe you on sight — which means you probably won’t ever see John again. It may strain their relationship hugely, & if it makes his wife so insecure that she leaves him, he is probably going to blame you.

Having said all this, of course, I am not perfect. I have been involved with people who were already in relationships myself, & yes, it always ends badly. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that my interest in the “unattainable” person always came from a very unhealthy place. I wanted distraction or to prove something to myself & other people, & it was all crap. It was never about love, it was about ego gratification or digging myself a deeper hole of self-loathing. My point is, I’ve made those mistakes, so you don’t have to.

If you’re thinking about going after someone who is in a relationship, consider the possible cost. The carnage is always massive & it has the potential to make your life really difficult, if not a living hell. Don’t create pain in your life for the fun of it. You’re better than that! Think about your intentions & be honest with yourself. Do you really love this person, or do you just want to prove that you can have anyone you want? Work it out & realise that it’s just not worth it.

Unfortunately, unrequited love is something all of us will probably face at some point, & while it can be painful, you don’t need to let it rule your life. You can choose how much it hurts you & how deeply embroiled you get in the whole mess just by staying in control of yourself. Recognise your limitations & let go of expectations.

Allow yourself to open up to the love that you deserve. It might come from somewhere entirely unexpected, but you’re never going to see it if you’re fixated on someone who doesn’t appreciate you.

Note: Getting obsessed with someone who just doesn’t return your affections — regardless of how much you push it — can really be a shortcut to Crazyville. If you’re tempted to pace outside their front door or you’re envisioning their head on your mantelpiece, it is probably time to seek professional help!

Extra For Experts:
Unrequited Love on everything².
How to deal with unrequited love, thanks to eHow.com.
Unrequited love can be a ‘killer’ from the BBC. How encouraging!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Love My Boyfriend, But...

[ 23 November 2007, 19:17 ]

Do any of the following sound familiar?

“I love my girlfriend but she’s just not interesting.”
“I adore my boyfriend but he totally takes his moods out on me.”
“My wife is the love of my life but she makes me feel really unimportant.”
“My boyfriend is an alcoholic & I want to fix him.”

Here is my simple 4-step process to improving your love life.

1. Stop expecting your lover to be someone they’re not. They are who they are. No one will ever change just because you want them to.

2. Learn to differentiate between loving someone & being in love. The two are incomparable. Further to this, learn the difference between being in love & needing someone — anyone — else to make you feel complete.

3. Realise that life is as short as the cliché would have you believe. There is no legitimate reason for staying in a bad relationship. You ALWAYS have options. Come to grips with how amazing you REALLY are. Decide that passion, romance & bliss are always worth pursuing.

4. Never accept anything less.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Motivation

[ 13 November 2007, 13:33 ]

“I have a question regarding motivation. You work from home with no one to appease except your fans. How do you find the motivation to continue writing daily? I am student and although I love my field of study, I sometimes think it would be easy to just watch television all day! I want to have the motivation that you obviously have. Please help if you can!”

“I was just wondering if you would consider writing an article on something along the lines drive and productivity. You obviously have a big load of drive and icing attests to your productivity levels. But obviously you are doing something you love; I’m studying journalism, and while I do love it, or at least the notion of future gratification, it requires that I do a lot of boring stuff. So, I clear out my space, make it all pared back, minimal and streamlined, drink 6 cups of coffee then sit down to do my work.. then read the entire internet. Or clean my room. Or go to sleep. I just want to be a productive, driven, over achiever with brilliant time management, is that too much to ask!?”

Motivation comes & goes. In my experience, the more you enjoy doing something, the more motivation you will have to do it. If you’ve been doing something for years & struggling with it every step of the way, it might be an indication that it’s not where you’re meant to be, or not what you’re meant to be doing. Listen to what your brain is telling you! However, sometimes we’re working towards something we’re genuinely excited about, but we hit a little plateau & find it hard to scrabble our way out of it. Eating a lot of ice-cream or watching reality shows on MTV start to sound very appealing. As soon as you start to feel like this, you should do your best to nip it in the bud as soon as you can. The longer it goes on, the harder it is to pull yourself out of it.

My favourite, foolproof way to regain motivation is to use EFT. Usually, after using it, you’ll find that your enthusiasm for the project will come back in about five minutes. “Even though I don’t have any motivation… even though I can’t be bothered… even though I’d rather watch television…” Another thing you can do is use EFT to dig down into the deeper reasons why you’re not motivated. Perhaps you have a fear of failure. The best way to dig through these kinds of things is to ask a question — like, “Why don’t I want to study?” — & then start questioning your answers with “Why?”. It might end up going something like this:

Why don’t I want to study?
Because I can’t be bothered.
Why?
Because it’s stupid.
Why?
Because it’s a waste of time.
Why?
Because I’m never going to be successful anyway.

Then you can use EFT to clear all of those feelings, but obviously feeling like you’re never going to be successful is the big one there. Do you see what I mean?

However, if you don’t want to try that, here are some slightly more conventional (& less effective!) ways of getting back on track!

Set a goal
...Some major, & some minor. Say your major goal is to get a top grade on your exam — the small goals leading up to that will be things like studying for an hour a day, making comprehensive notes & paying attention in class. You can then break these goals down even further if you like. Make a little chart with a space for every class, then put a star or a tick in every class that you pay attention in.

Set some time aside to really think about what you want to achieve & all the little steps on the way. Give your goals a timeframe & make sure they are measurable — so that when you have achieved them, you will know for sure. “Become famous” is not a goal. “Have my picture on cover of Rolling Stone magazine by 7th August 2009” is.

Ideally, these goals should excite you — or at least, the major goals should thrill you enough that it propels you to tick off the minor ones! Making study notes isn’t very stimulating, but the ultimate goal of graduating with honours should hopefully be enough to push you onward.

(There’s more information available on goal setting here.)

Reward yourself
How about those of us who are locked into something we’re kind of sick of, but need to complete? Well, sometimes enjoyment or satisfaction can be replaced with a reward. This is similar to those hellish call centres where you get pizza if you hit a sales target — there’s absolutely no joy to be found in the role, so they bribe you with incentives. Think like that! You can reward yourself with anything you like: chocolate, watching a movie, baking cupcakes, an hour of kissing with your lover, a new handbag, or a trip to the beach to make sandcastles. Just make sure it’s something you’re actually psyched about, & make sure you deliver on your promise to reward yourself!

Find some inspiration!
Using EFT as well as having a goal & being inspired is pretty much an unbeatable combination! The best thing is that finding inspiration is really fun. There are lots of ways you can do this. Find pictures that help represent your goal or what you’re working towards.

Maybe you’re trying to grow your business & your ultimate goal is make lots of money — surround yourself with pictures of what you’d do with that money. (Just writing “$1,000,000” on a piece of paper is a bit abstract.) Make a collage of what having money represents to you, & put it near your desk. A picture of St. Barths... a Ferrari… an Hermès Birkin… a photo of the Christian Louboutin store on Madison Avenue… ?

When it comes to inspiration, it really can’t be underestimated. You will find yourself drawn to the things you surround yourself with. When my boyfriend moved in with me last year, we decided to change our lives & as part of that, we looked really closely at all the pictures I had on my walls. Some of them were really depressing — sad-looking thin girls, angry rebellious statements, etc. You name it, I had it on my wall. We took down all the tragic pictures & replaced them with pictures I liked just as much, but which had positive connotations. I know it sounds really weird, but I am convinced that this strongly contributed to the way my life changed. When I look around the iCiNG Bowl now, practically every picture has someone smiling. Your environment impacts on how you feel & how you live!

Write your goal down
As long as it’s not too abstract, write your goal in big letters & put it somewhere that you will see it all the time. Make it your desktop or cellphone wallpaper if you want, but make sure it’s in a place that will really help drill it into your brain. The more you see it, the more you’ll feel it. Phrase it as positively as you can. You will get much better results from writing “Pass with honours & flying colours” than “Don’t suck too hard in your exam”!

Get support
Odds are, you are probably not the only person in the world trying to achieve this goal. Of course, we all have different lives, but most people are trying to make more money, or pass a course, or get a great job. The key is to surround yourself with like-minded people. There might be a group you can join — a students association, small business owner’s group, etc. Talk to people about it! Sometimes just feeling like you’re not alone really helps. It’s also a huge bonus to associate yourself with people who have already done what you want to do. It will make your goal seem more realistic & attainable, as well as giving you a valuable resource who can help you out when the going gets tough. (Hint: Be good to your resource! Buy them dinner & tell them how much you appreciate their help.)

Make a timetable
Sometimes it’s our self-discipline that fails us. If you have a schedule, that might make life easier for you. Make it realistic, though — there is nothing sadder than a timetable that doesn’t allow you time to mess around on the internet or go out for a coffee. Think about how you operate. Do you work better with something flexible or something rigid? If you need a strict timetable, use an alarm clock or use Google Calendar’s alerts to keep you on track. If you prefer having fewer limits, leave big gaps in your schedule so that you can nap from 2 ‘til 4 if you want. Be true to yourself, though. There’s no point in letting yourself slack off if you need to do the work!

Stay focussed
When you’re working on your project, really commit to it. Turn off the television, turn down your music (or make a playlist that’s not going to disturb you, or turn it off completely), tell your flatmates/spouse/children to leave you alone, turn off your phone. Basically, minimise distractions, because you’ll work much better. It drives me nuts if people try to talk to me when I’m in the midst of my writing “flow”! Being on task & working well is magical; that time is precious. Make the most of it!

...But don’t cripple yourself
If you’re really overwhelmingly tired, & the choice is between sleeping & working on your project, you should almost always go for sleep. When you’re exhausted, your brain just doesn’t work as well as it would if you were fully awake. If you nab an extra half hour of sleep, you will find that you are much more productive when you do actually get around to working. Be good to yourself. People work best when they are relaxed, well rested, hydrated & have satisfied bellies!

Just start!
You can read productivity articles on the internet for hours, but they’re not going to count for much if, afterwards, you just go to sleep! Some of the best advice for writer’s block — after you’ve gone for a walk, had a nap, eaten something, read a magazine & jumped up & down in frustration — is to just start writing. Even if it’s rubbish, just write. Well, this is kind of the same thing. Just start! Make a little step towards your goal. Even if you only work on it for 5 minutes, at least it’s something. You’ll feel better about getting into it tomorrow having done something already.

Good luck!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Help A Nonpareil Contest!

[ 3 November 2007, 14:54 ]

Dear amazing, clever, fabulous readers,

I often receive emails asking for advice, as you are probably aware. I have, however, noticed that most of you are JUST as good at giving advice as I am, & it seems silly not to utilise your magnificent brains! You all add such incredible value to iCiNG through your comments, so it seems right to create another opportunity for you to show how brilliant you are!

Here, then, is a desperate cry for help. I’d love to hear your responses. Even better, the best reply will receive a package full to the brim with beauty products & a letter from me! I might even throw in some purikura & fortunes…

If all goes well, this might become a regular feature. Who knows, maybe one of you will become the resident iCiNG Agony Aunt (or Uncle)! Let me know what you think!

“I’ve recently met a boy I find myself growing rather fond of and the feeling is mutual. My problem is if things are going to get even a little bit more serious he’s going to have to meet my parents. The issue stems from the fact that my parents are super conservative Christians. My father can be extremely judgemental. He once told me he immediately writes people with unnatural hair colours off as morons. Gala, I’ve been dying my hair every unnatural colour under the sun for the past four years! I’m also a straight A honor roll student. You’d think he’d know better.

While they’re far from shunning odd people due to my having all ranges of pierced, tattooed, dyed and costume wearing friends that they love, they’ve also never dealt with me dating one necessarily. This boy dropped out of high school and got his GED. Something i know my father would frown upon. He now has a very well paying vocational job and lives in an apartment with his friends (another negative). He’s got rather large gauges and several visible, macabre themed tattoos. I’m seventeen, and he’s nineteen. I don’t want to lie about him (there’s no way that could turn out well, obviously), and I don’t want him to feel like he has to hide who he is. I guess as cliché as it is this is just another variation of the whole “good girl” attracted to the “bad boy” type deal. I’m at a complete loss as what to do! Help?!”

P.S. Please use your real email address, so that if you win I can notify you!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: advice, question
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Workplace Friendships

[ 2 November 2007, 13:35 ]

“I currently work at a University office, and just started a month ago. There are three girls here around my age, who are friends. I would like to start conversations with them, and I can tell they are nice because we all greet each other daily. I don’t know what to say, but I do see them surfing the same clothing websites I visit, so that could be a topic starter. Any advice?”

Ahh the difficulty of workplace friendships! It’s a delicate balancing act between being professionally hostile, casually friendly & super-intense, too-much-information, whoa-there-Nelly!

I think the best thing to do is make friends with one of the girls. Perhaps pick the one with the broadest smile. Come up with some ridiculous excuse to go over to her desk — borrow her stapler, or something. Be charming when you ask her, take it back to your desk, & then choose a time to return it when you can see she’s not busy. When you go back, strike up a conversation. Maybe you can use your “new” status as an opener. Ask her how long she’s been working there or what the deal is with the grumpy boss you share. This should break the ice & naturally flow into a conversation.

I can picture it going something like this:

You: Hey, thanks for the stapler.
New Friend: No problem!
You: Oh, my name’s Griselda by the way.
New Friend: Nice to meet you, finally! I’m Olga.
You: How long have you been working here?
New Friend: About a year, though it’s starting to drive me nuts. You just started, right? What were you doing before this?

Some people are not as open as this, & don’t volunteer information easily. In this case, it’s best to ask open-ended questions (questions that can’t be answered with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’), but of course if the person you’re speaking to seems uncomfortable or like they’ve seen something terrifying up your nose, just cut the conversation short & leave them alone. There’s no sense dragging people into conversations they’d rather have no part of.

Anyway, assuming the girl you’ve picked to be your friend isn’t a social leper, things should progress well. Keep your conversations relatively short at first, but make an effort to engage with her & ask her questions about herself. (Everyone loves to talk about themselves, it’s their favourite topic!) Then maybe the next day or day after, you could ask her to go to lunch with you. You can do this sneakily if you like, perhaps by asking for her recommendations for the area, or just asking out-right. Then, once you’re out of the immediate work environment, you can have a conversation like two normal people. Talk about the food, the other customers, your lives & that kind of thing. You should also mention that her friends seem nice, & she will probably say, “Oh, I’ll introduce you!”. No sweat, kid.

I wouldn’t recommend immediately bringing up the fact that you’ve seen them surfing clothing websites. While it’s definitely a great thing to talk about & it’s awesome to know that you have common ground, you probably don’t want to open with it. People are usually a bit secretive & defensive about their work internet use, so maybe it would be better to drop it into conversation later, when you have them on side.

Who knew staplers could be so helpful?! Good luck, cutie!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Living Together

[ 1 November 2007, 13:17 ]

“I was wondering if you have any advice on moving in with your boyfriend/partner. It seems like a massive step and I’m a bit unsure, we have only been dating for 1 and a half years.”

Yes, moving in with your partner is a big deal, & definitely one that requires some serious thought. You may think the sun shines from your boyfriend’s posterior at the moment, but when you live with someone, you really get to know them. Their real self, not just the parts they feel like showing you. (Ooh err!)

You will learn whether your lover is a “morning person” or not. You will discover their unpleasant habit of leaving half-eaten bowls of cereal around the house. You will become accustomed to tuning out that clicking sound their jaw makes when they eat. You will find out exactly how often they change their underwear, that they have never used an iron in their life & that often, they would rather read a book/surf the internet/sleep than talk to you. You will see them floss, learn more about their ex than your ever cared to know & begin to accept that they never bring a jacket, even when it’s raining.

You will also share everything, whether you like it or not. Bed space, closet space, food, chores, stomach flu & much much more! Believe me when I say it will completely change your relationship.

As well as learning about your lover, you will also learn about yourself. All those little habits you have that you thought were normal (like taking 100 photos of yourself in a strange hat) are now on display, up for appraisal & discussion. Putting the toilet seat down (or leaving it up) & the subtleties of laundry basket aim become serious, debatable topics. You may think I am exaggerating. I am not. People are weird, especially when it comes to changing domestic patterns they have had since childhood.

Here are some realities of living together.

If your partner is an alcoholic or has a substance abuse problem, moving in with them is not clever. It will become your problem too, & an ugly one. Don’t do it. Save yourself.

If your lover suffers from extreme depression or other mental illness, or is one of those people who can’t hold down a job or manage their money, think carefully before committing to sharing your life with them. If they are unable to pay their half of the rent & your name is on the lease, then it is something you need to resolve. This can be unfun & place a huge strain on your relationship. Don’t torture yourself, Gomez!

Discuss finances & chores before you move in together. These are the two major things couples argue about. Who pays the rent? Who pays the bills? Who buys the food? Who loads the dishwasher & who cooks? Who scrubs the toilet? You need to work this stuff out as soon as possible. It’s really easy for people to feel like they are being taken advantage of in these areas, which can build resentment, so make it clear & fair.

Make sure your house has somewhere you can go & just be alone. The first time I lived with a boyfriend, we had a bedroom & a living room, & that was all. When he had his drunk friends over & I was sick of it, the only place I had to go was the bedroom — which was dingy & cramped & depressing. It did not make for a happy Gala. I didn’t really learn my lesson though, as evidenced by the fact that a few years later, another boyfriend moved into my studio apartment with me. We almost killed one another. Don’t make my mistake — rent a place with a spare room so you can be by yourself whenever you want. It will be a total blessing.

The house is only as clean as the dirtiest person! My boyfriend suggested I mention this one. I am not the world’s tidiest girl. I do my best, but it’s something I have to think about. If you are a neat freak, think about how your lover lives & consider yourself warned!

Liking their friends is to your advantage. If you don’t like them, & your lover has a raging social life which includes drinking with their buddies four days a week, you don’t need me to tell you how sad this will make you. You also need to think about whether your partner likes YOUR friends. If they don’t, either you will never see them, or your partner will be irritated. It kind of sucks both ways.

Learn to compromise. What’s more important — you being right or the relationship working? Often, that’s what it comes down to.

It sounds obvious, but you need to like the person you live with! To be clear: there is a difference between liking someone & liking the things they do for you. Think about your feelings & examine them carefully. A man who spends lots of money on you or a woman who gives you the best orgasms of your life might make you happy in the short term, but if your boyfriend goes bankrupt or your girlfriend stops trying to please you so much, you’re going to be left with very little. Being in a relationship with someone who can make you laugh & will support you when the chips are down is priceless.

Communicate with one another & be patient. Everyone is at a different stage in their life — we don’t all grow at the same rate. You might be obsessed with asserting your independence from your parents while your girlfriend isn’t so much. Patience & understanding go a long way.

Think about your lover’s lifestyle. If they are a smoker & you are not, should they smoke inside or outside? Are you going to be annoyed if your clothes & bedding & furniture smell like cigarettes? Work out what you can & cannot deal with. Likewise, if they like to party every night & come home blitzed at 2am, or have religious singalongs in the living room every Sunday, are you going to flip your wig over it?

Living together may seem totally romantic but it also requires you to be an adult, be responsible & cover your ass. If you can’t do that, financial trouble & a broken heart are only two of a million possible hideous outcomes. If you’re not ready for that, stay at home with your parents!

I don’t really think the length of time before you move in together matters. The longer the better, obviously, but it’s not imperative that you wait x months. The first boyfriend I lived with, we had only been together a couple of months (& long distance at that) before I moved to Auckland & into his apartment — & it lasted five years. The second boyfriend I lived with — who I am still with now — moved into my studio apartment after about two months of dating, though there was a lot of back & forth before that. The less you know a person, the harder it is, but it doesn’t mean you’re destined for the scrap heap.

Having said all of this, living together can be really wonderful, especially if the person you’re living with also happens to be your best friend. You can go on midnight adventures, bake hilarious cakes, kiss all the time, lie around in bed all day, take photographs of one another, & really share your life in a way that is impossible if you live apart. It’s great fun & definitely an adventure.

I am a huge advocate of living together (in “sin”!) before marriage. The thought of marrying someone you’ve never lived with makes me feel kind of nervous. I know that in the olden days, living together was a major no-no & if you got married & turned out to be sexually (or otherwise) incompatible, you just had to grin & bear it, because divorce was a sin too, so you might as well just be miserable & get on with it. These days, we are (mostly) free to make our own choices, & in the same way that you would get a car checked out before you bought it, you should also check out your potential husband or wife. Some people are monsters to live with, & not in the good, cute, crazy-hair-in-the-morning kind of way. It’s always advisable to know what you’re getting yourself into before you commit to anything!

If you’re unsure about moving in with your lover, cool your heels & allow yourself some time to think about it. What’s wrong with the situation you have at the moment? If living apart is working for you, why change it? Don’t just move in together because it’s the “done thing” — think about what will be best for your relationship, & act accordingly.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Decorating A Room

[ 31 October 2007, 12:10 ]

1. Vivre Bohême, 2. C Deco, 3. Flea Market Style, 4. Chinoiseries, 5. Marie Claire Maison, 6. Baroque’N‘Roll, 7. Elle Deco, 8. Elle Deco, 9. domino magazine, 10. french-lilac bedroom, 11. 17.jpg, 12. scan, 13. bed

Lots of people have written to me recently, asking for tips on decorating their bedroom or their new apartment. While I am definitely not an expert — & a lot of the time my interior design “skillz” make me cringe — I do know a little bit, which I am more than happy to share!

I love bedrooms. I think it is part of my voyeurism. They are infinitely interesting to me. It is fascinating to me to see the way people put things together — the arrangement of furniture, the colours, the knick-knacks, the atmosphere. It is equally fascinating to see how people don’t put things together — haphazard, mis-matching, strange placement, old food in the corners.

I think bedrooms say a lot about their owner. If you don’t believe me, think about your own room (or even cast a glance around it). Is it dark & messy? Do you ever make your bed? Do you keep the blinds open at all times? (I’m guilty of that. Does this correlate with the fact that I’m an exhibitionist as well as a voyeur, or is it mere coincidence?) Are all your clothes stuffed in a closet or do you take care of them? Do you have anything pretty up on the walls or is your room pure function? You get the idea. I have become much tidier as time progresses, which I think is a pretty accurate reflection of my mental state. As I get it together, my environment follows suit. It makes sense.

So, how can you create a room that makes you feel comfortable, happy & at ease?

Choose a look
The easiest way to do this is to get your hands on some interior decorating magazines or books & start flicking. Take photocopies of the things you like best & create a mood board. Tricia Royal has some great tips on doing this (hers is about a fashion mood board but it is equally applicable to interior design!) & you can see thousands here.

If you find it hard to choose — & I always do — instead make a list of adjectives that describe your dream bedroom. For example, I would probably write: warm, light, colourful, juicy, inspiring, soft, quirky, vibrant. There are no wrong answers, so write anything you can think of. “Juicy” doesn’t have to be translated into something tangible, but it definitely gives me an idea about atmosphere, so it is a valuable thing to have on the list.

Think about what you will & won’t be able to live with. I love love love that overwrought super-excessive major-colours Moroccan look, but I know that living with it would drive me crazy. All that dusting & visual noise, argh! Similarly, the Marie Antoinette look might be a bit extreme if you’re on a budget. Work out a middle-ground that you’ll be able to achieve.

Pick a colour scheme
This is entirely up to you & the colours you choose will probably depend greatly on your mood board or theme. I advise caution for those of you who instinctively go for the dark colours — you old goth, you! Royal purple & inky blue are gorgeous but do you really want your entire room that colour? Maybe it would be nicer as an accent, say, along the skirting boards or on furnishings (lamps or cushions). As an example, my last apartment had white walls, while everything inside it was either black, white or hot pink. The bedspread & half of the chairs were black, half the chairs were white & so was the Flokati rug, & the throw on my bed as well as the lamps & cushions were all hot pink. It looked great, but an entire room that was black or hot pink would have been waaaaaay too much.

You also need to consider how those colours are going to go with the carpet, walls & the furniture you already have (if you don’t want to get rid of it).

Soft furnishings
Ooh, this is where it starts to get fun! Soft furnishings include things like duvet covers, rugs, blankets, cushions & curtains. You can go totally nuts on these & they add so much to a room. I personally think that shopping for bed linen is one of life’s pleasures, but then, I am a bit kooky like that. If you can afford to splurge on amazing sheets, you definitely should. It seems indulgent but the difference is palpable!

I love the way a throw looks over the end of a bed or a couch — it just adds another layer of colour & texture & deliciousness. Ditto lots of cushions — they’re comfortable & squishy & decadent. You can get such fun cushions these days. I have a sequinned one which I adore. Cushions are great because you can get all different sizes & types in shades of one colour, which looks brilliant. Not too “perfect” looking, a little bit mad but totally chic.

A rug cannot be underestimated if you have hideous carpet. It might be the one thing that saves your room from the Bad Taste Gallery O’ Horrors. They can be great under a coffee table & chairs, because it can help hold that area together while also seperating it from the rest of the room. It may also save your carpet if your uncoordinated drunken friends spill red wine everywhere — yes, it has happened to me!

Choose a feature
In any room, there is usually a focus. For most people it’s the bed, but if your room is large & contains your entire life, you could make it about something else. Say, your collection of typewriters or a beautiful chair. Work out how you can best display these things to their advantage. If you have a long, low bookcase, maybe your typewriters could go along the top, organised by colour. Or you could put a nice lamp next to your favourite chair, & a rug underneath it. If your room is relatively plain with not a lot of furniture, you could make the emphasis one of your walls. You could hang a huge mirror, put up lots of art or just empty frames of different shapes. It’s entirely up to you!

Organise your room according to feng shui
I wrote an article on it, you know! Click here!

Make a plan on paper
Draw an outline of your room, measure up your existing furniture & have a think about how you could rearrange your room to make the most of the space. Maybe you could swap the position of the bed & the couch, or the stereo & the computer. If you are really anal, you could make little cut-out pictures of the items (to scale) & then move them around your paper room to see what works. Moving furniture around can COMPLETELY transform a room, so spend a little time thinking about it!

Hit up IKEA
If you need a new bed, couch, rug or closet, IKEA is your best friend. (I had never been to IKEA before I moved to Melbourne, & it blew my mind!) Get one of their catalogues & use your room plan to see whether things would fit. I did this obsessively when we first moved into our apartment, because we had — literally — NO furniture. All we brought over were two beds & a stereo cabinet! We now have two couches, two armchairs, three desks, two chests of drawers, two bedside tables… & that’s just the large items! One thing I would advise, however, is that you go to IKEA with a list & a budget! It’s so easy to spend more than you were expecting.

Little things make all the difference
Beautiful candles, stacks of magazines, sequinned cushions & framed pictures all help to make the space more individual to you. I really believe you can never have enough of these things.

Scented candles, incense & essential oils are really important in a bedroom, seriously! The place where you sleep & dress & daydream should always smell fantastic — not like sweat or mould or stale air! How depressing! Candles are my favourite of these three things, because they look beautiful at the same time as diffusing a fabulous scent. I definitely have a soft spot for Nag Champa incense, though! Essential oils have different properties & effects on the mind, so find something that works for you. Even if you are using all of these things, I still recommend opening your windows & letting the place air out regularly!

If you’re after lovely vintage prints, there are people on Ebay who sell really gorgeous ones at reasonable prices. Have a gander at ImageSelect Framed Art & First Art Source. I am a sucker for old Vogue covers & they both have lots on offer. AllPosters.com is another one worth checking out. Remember to look at the size of what you’re buying, though!

Other little things that can spice up a room include: fairy lights (I like the clear ones), flowers & plants, antique bottles, paper crane mobiles, blackboards, decorative boxes for holding trinkets, aquariums, mosquito nets, beaded curtains, cookie jars full of sparkly treasures, pretty squabs for sitting on, folding screens, a nice tablecloth, hanging crystals (dancing rainbows, yay!), lanterns…

To avoid looking too cluttered, only display the things you really love.

Come up with innovative ways to display (or hide) things
If you’re an obsessive Polaroid fan, don’t just hide them in a drawer! Hang them from a mobile or cover a wall with them. Just think a little bit differently. Use pretty dresses you never wear hooked over the curtain rail to block the light. Similarly, when it comes to things that aren’t so attractive, work out a way to minimise their effect on the room. Hide your television in a cupboard or put your laptop in a fold-down writing desk. This will make your environment look much cleaner & more pleasant.

Other ideas:
If you’re allowed to (landlords/parents/grumpy partners), use a lick of paint to tart things up. You don’t have to live with hideous wood panelling — paint it white (or eggshell)! You can also use paint to counter a lack of natural light. If you have tiny windows & a dark purple room, it will look like Lord Gothyck’s Über Dark Chamber Ov Dark Gothyckness, no matter how many stuffed toys you have on your bed! If you suffer from dark furniture, you can paint that too.

It’s nice to have things in pairs if you can manage it. On either side of your bed, have a bedside table & a lamp. It looks very polished & balanced.

If you have a couch which you love but is starting to look a little worse for wear, consider having it reupholstered.

The one thing I think every bedroom needs is a great stereo. I would choose music over chairs every time (if I had to, though I’d rather not). Without my sub, I’m nothing!

If your room is little or dark, hang a mirror — other than the full-length one you use to look at your outfits in! They help create the illusion of space & bounce any light which comes into the room, so it will look much brighter.

Flea markets are a fantastic place to pick up furniture. You can get all sorts of things to suit your taste & budget. Remember to go early, wear sunscreen & comfortable shoes, & take cash!

Seek inspiration online. There are some great groups on Flickr — try Bedrooms, Domino Magazine, Interior, Interior Inspirations & Eclectic Interiors!

My number one tip for anyone who wants to dress up their living quarters is to experiment & not take it too seriously! If you approach it with a light heart & the attitude of a mad scientist, you’ll have so much fun as well as learning boatloads about what works & what doesn’t.

Making a space your own is something that develops over time, & seldom comes together in a day. Visit homeware shops & flea markets & browse Ebay regularly. Add to it continually & it will really start to feel like home.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: advice, aesthetic, consumption, how to, inspiration, life
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More Blogging Questions

[ 24 October 2007, 17:08 ]

I’ve had a few questions from sweet kittens wanting to know more information about starting a blog. Here are some excerpts from those emails!

“Hosting – this part has me totally lost. Templates – do these appear as they do when you sign up for livejournal/blogspot etc? HTML – is it a lot different than basic coding of hosted blogs? Also, hosting video directly to your site rather than through youtube… I’m sorry if this sounds terribly demanding, I just need to be pointed in the right direction if you know what I mean; even problogger is a little too technical some times.”

“I have registered my domain name but am not overly keen on using a standard template provided by one of the platforms like Wordpress or Typepad etc. I know your boyfriend is a SUPERCOMPETENT tech whiz (!!!! YAY!!!!), but was just hoping you could give me a little advice on whether you think I should pay someone to design my template (and if so, will this need to be an ongoing relationship with me and chosen Techie, or will I be able to get by updating things and expanding the site on my own once the initial template is all set up?)”

“I’m in the process of redoing my site and I was wondering what content management or blogging system you use? My server isn’t wanting to get along with Wordpress (which i’ve used for years), so I’m looking into using something called Geeklog. Any suggestions?”

If you haven’t read it already, I recommend a brief perusal of my article How To Start A Blog. It has lots of information & is a pretty good overview of the whole she-bang.

People start blogs (or websites) for a lot of different reasons. Do you want to start a business? Do you want a creative outlet? Do you want to be seen as an expert in your field? Do you want to make new friends? Do you want to share ideas? Do you just desire some kind of project? You need to know why you’re starting your website before you make any other major decisions, because this will influence the way you do things.

If you just want a creative outlet or a way to publish your writing — which is what most people are trying to do — & if you’re not terribly technical & don’t have an itch to learn, consider doing it another way. A lot of people make professional blogging look really easy, but it’s not all bread & roses! There are millions of ways to your art or ideas out there. For example, you could make a zine or magazine on paper or start a mail art project. The internet is great for exposure, but it’s not the ONLY way to do things!

If you want to make a living out of publishing online — well, welcome to the fold, my friend! However, a word to the wise: blogging is technical. You will need to learn about HTML, CSS, PHP & any number of other acronyms. You also need to think about things like load times, comment spam, SEO (there’s another one of those acronyms), CMS (& again!), building traffic, as well as the server-end stuff — permissions, DNS (they just don’t stop!), & much much more. If your blog is your business, knowing about all of these things is crucial. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you need to start doing some reading. When you can’t access your website & you’re getting all manner of errors, you need to know what to do — & quickly. I have learned a lot of this stuff from my boyfriend, & even now I am not totally on top of it. It is a learning process!

It is my firm belief that we all have something amazing to contribute to the world, & for this reason I’m never going to tell someone not to create a blog. We should all express ourselves in a creative manner, & blogging can be a great way to do that. But if you’re not sure about blogging, are a beginner full of trepidation or just have very little idea what you’re doing, I suggest starting your blog on a platform that makes life easy, like Blogspot or even Livejournal. There are a lot of blogs & livejournals with thousands of readers, so don’t think that having your own server is crucial — it’s not. These services remove a lot of the tricky issues, like hosting & templates. They allow you to use very basic HTML but if you don’t want to use anything more difficult, then you don’t have to.

The majority of people start a blog & after a couple of months of updating every day & not seeing their traffic grow, they get discouraged & pack it in. If you start on Blogspot or LJ, which is really easy — you basically sign up & start writing — & love it, then in a few months, you can always switch over to your own server with a snazzy layout & start gunning for it. Your readers will follow you, you just need to let them know where you’re going. It’s not as big a deal as it sounds. As an example, I have been publishing online since the late 1990’s, on Livejournal, Scribble, Diaryland, Xoom & all manner of other services. I had years of experience before I started iCiNG; I didn’t just jump into it!

When it comes to blogging, what people really care about is content. The general public’s expectations of an average blog layout is pretty low. We know you’re not Apple, it doesn’t have to knock our socks off! As long as it looks reasonably clean, that is good enough. You can fiddle with layouts later. It is really easy to get hooked into designing a template (it’s fun, I know!) & then lose your steam & never update. Take it slowly & enjoy creating your blog!

My suggestions:
Start on Blogspot (or similar) & see how much you enjoy blogging.
Read as much as you possibly can on blogging. Learn all the technical stuff. This industry is evolving every day, & you need to keep on top of it — you will always be learning new things.
If you want someone else to help you design a template, make it someone you like! Pay them in beer or something else they would be keen for. The thing is, you will probably need to go back & forth a lot while you’re planning it, & once it’s designed & you’re actively using it, you will probably find that subtle tweaks need to be made. Having a friend that likes your project & wants to help will be a huge bonus. Trying to coerce someone into doing something they don’t care about will be a major drag. You can always hire someone professional to do it if you don’t want this problem, but that tends to be quite expensive, so work out whether it is in your budget before you commit to it.
Research blogging software before committing to anything. Again, your requirements (& technical knowledge) will impact your choice. For example, I use TextPattern but I am going to change to Drupal soon. Your needs will probably be different.
Read 23 Questions for Prospective Bloggers – Is a Blog Right for You?

Blogging can be fantastic fun but it can be mind-numbingly frustrating at times, even for people who are technically competent. Think about what you’re trying to achieve before you begin, plot out some steps & assign yourself goals. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself; it’s hard to have fun with something you’re struggling with. Subscribe to Problogger & read everything you can! Having knowledge will make your blogging journey much more enjoyable! Good luck!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Dressing For Music Festivals

[ 17 October 2007, 13:15 ]

“With music festival season almost upon us I was wondering if you had any ideas/advice about what to wear to Big Day Out type events? Almost everyone seems wears shorts and t-shirts and it’s so boring!”

I haven’t been to the Big Day Out (music festival in New Zealand & Australia) since 2001 (wow!), & last time I was there it seemed everyone was wearing Slipknot t-shirts & dog collars… but then, of course, the more you think about something, the more you see it!

Dressing for festivals can be tricky because, while they are a great place to be an exhibitionist & shock everyone with your fashion nous, you also have a lot of things to consider. Usually at a concert like this, you’re outside all day. You’re also on your feet most of the time. You want to be as mobile as possible, running from one stage to the next & jumping up & down like a nut. Often the music goes into the night, so it’s useful to have something warm with you — but then, of course, where do you put that item when you’re not wearing it?

I suspect that the reason most people dress in such a boring way is that when they start thinking about all the eventualities of a concert like this, they get overwhelmed & just go for what works. I would say that they are missing out on a huge part of the fun by not getting dressed up, but that’s my inner peacock talking. Not everyone is like us, you know!

So, here are the conditions of your outfit-to-be:
It must include comfortable footwear
You need to take something warm
You require a bag of some description
You want to look interesting

After mulling over all the options, may I suggest wearing a dress? (This goes for daring boys too.) Really, I know I have said it before, but it is pretty much the perfect piece of clothing. Sling it on, accessorise, & go. Throw a cardigan or hoodie over the top when the temperature drops & you’re totally golden. I love dresses! I cannot get enough.

Of course, the type of dress you wear is entirely up to you. It can be as revealing or modest as you like, in any colour & any shape — though if you’re thinking about going strapless, perhaps you should stay out of the moshpit. If you want to look fantastic & different to everyone else, go vintage! Get in before the crowds & shop for the perfect dress; if you leave it too late, all that will be left are the hideous taffeta bridesmaid’s dresses! If your locality doesn’t have a decent vintage store, Ebay is your best bet. Try searching for things like “vintage mini dress“, “vintage slip dress“ or “50s dress“. You’re sure to find something completely wonderful. Remember to check the measurements carefully, only buy from people with great feedback, & to do it in advance! You don’t want it to arrive the day after the concert! Also beware of buying anything in polyester — it doesn’t breathe & you will heat up like a Christmas turkey. Not such a great look. If your dress is short, you might like to consider wearing leggings, hot pants or something else underneath, since if you’re jumping around or crowd-surfing, you probably don’t want everyone to see your loveliest bits.

Now you need to think about accesssories. Necklaces, bracelets, rings, anklets. Sunglasses, hats, turbans, piercing jewellery. Scarves, brooches, bow-ties, bunny ears, tiaras, legwarmers, fingerless gloves, spats, bindis, fake flowers, etc. You can really go nuts on accessories, though I would say make sure anything is reasonably secure. Don’t wear your most precious things because it is very likely it will disappear under the foot of someone who is really getting into the music. If you are really keen to stand out, have a look at the Burning Man people galleries. Some of these people spend all year on their costumes, & they are not usually in such close quarters as you will be at a music festival, but that doesn’t mean you can’t draw inspiration from them.

Then, of course, you will want comfortable shoes to wear with the dress of your dreams. Ballet flats or flip-flops might seem like a good idea, but when a big oaf is jumping around in front of you in his standard issue combat boots, you may start to worry about your pedicure. Or indeed having any toes left at all. I am convinced that the babydoll-dress-&-combat-boots look popularised by Courtney Love et aliae was borne from the need to protect one’s feet from moshers. Big boots are really your best defence. If all you have are a pair of beaten up cowboy boots, then wear those. Just think: the thicker the leather the better, & a bit of ankle support is always welcome if you think you’re going to be bouncing up & down all day.

Don’t forget to take something warm, because it always gets cooler at night, & being cold & unable to do anything about it can be really miserable. A thin cardigan or pashmina might be all you need, but if you think it’s going to get a lot colder, try a little structured jacket, like a blazer, a long thick cardigan or a faux-fur shrug. Usually they don’t allow you to leave the venue & come back, so you will have to carry whatever you want to bring in. You can check your coat but it will take a while, & if it suddenly gets cold or starts raining, you probably don’t want to stand in a queue for an hour while you try to get it back.

For this reason alone, you will need some kind of bag. Whatever the size, definitely make sure it has a strap on it. You can wear it across your body, over one shoulder or on your back, but if you have to physically hold it with your hands all day, you are going to go mental. A small messenger bag or satchel is pretty much perfect, because you can throw it across your body & forget about it. If your warm item is too big to fit in your bag, tie the arms of it around the straps. I like to do a double or triple knot to make sure it stays on. Remember to always always always do up the zips or buttons — you don’t want to be a target for pick-pockets or other cretins! You can check bags at the venue but be aware that it will take a long time & is not necessarily 100% secure.

While you might want to try standing out by wearing fairy wings or a huge inflatable alien strapped to your back, remember that a lot of your day will include being pressed up against complete strangers (moshpits) or navigating small, grotty spaces (toilets). Anything unwieldy WILL drive you nuts & you will probably end up throwing it away. This is a bit of a waste & you might as well save your money (& the environment). When it comes to festival wear — as with anything — think before you buy!

You might also want to consider the environment you’re going to be in. Wearing something truly beautiful is all well & good, but at most festivals, you have to deal with smelly, disgusting bathroom facilities (wet floors, too); drunken people who cannot seem to hold their cups upright; grass or mud as a seat, etc. Some people don’t mind messing up their clothing, some do. I, personally, loathe wearing anything I consider to be remotely precious in what I would call a slightly hostile environment. On the flipside, some people think clothing is meant to be worn to death & if your dress gets ripped to shreds in a vivacious moshpit, then it died a good death & oh well, onwards & upwards! Work out which camp you’re in & then plan accordingly!

When it comes to makeup, GO NUTS. This is the peeeeerfect opportunity to paint yourself up like a member of the Moulin Rouge or Marilyn Manson’s entourage. I would, however, suggest practicing it ahead of time. Also think about the environment you’re going to be in — usually these festivals are held smack in the middle of summer. It will be hot. If you use crappy makeup, you might find it sliding off your face before the afternoon is up. Fledgling makeup artists beware!

Other things to take, do & remember (ideas snagged from here):
Leave all your brutal jewellery at home — meaning spiked cuffs, crazy gauntlets & diamante-encrusted knuckledusters.
Check the back of your ticket for prohibited items (video cameras, alcohol & umbrellas) & don’t take them with you — they will just get confiscated, sometimes permanently.
Take an unopened (plastic) bottle of water & some snacks. Being hungry sucks, especially if you don’t want to eat the scary hot dogs or whatever they have at the venue.
Have a good breakfast, you’ll need it!
To put in your bag: identification, your ticket, sunblock, cellphone (fully charged & with credit), medication & a digital camera. If you have any serious conditions, like epilepsy, diabetes or asthma, put a (big) piece of paper in your bag & write your condition & an emergency contact number on it.
Stay hydrated & out of the sun as much as you can! Wear a hat to help protect you from the heat.
Remember that the usual laws about drugs apply at festivals, too. People who are caught dealing or in possession of anything naughty will get their ass handed to them. They have sniffer dogs at the gate & a visible police presence. Be careful!
Work out how you’re getting home & organise a place & time to meet whoever might be giving you a ride. “I’ll meet you at the gate when it’s over” is not sufficient, okay?!
Take money. Odds are, you or one of your friends will want one of those scary hot dogs eventually. They also usually have a harae krishna stall where they sell excellent vegetarian samosas & apple juice which they bless (!!!), both of which are incredibly tasty.

I hope everyone who goes along has an AMAZING time! Feel free to share your best festival tips here, it’s great to have them all in one place!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Is My Boyfriend Cheating On Me?

[ 12 October 2007, 23:01 ]

“I am wondering if you can give some advice. I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 and a half months. Everything is great but he claims that every Saturday night he goes to his family’s house and stays until Sunday evening. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but his family does live 60 miles away. Could he possibly be with someone else there in his home town? He does have a reputation from everyone that knows him of being a player. I do try to call him when he’s away for the weekend, he answers the phone, but he always wants to cut the conversation and wants to hang up!! I’m going crazy, what should I do?”

I’m sorry that you’re going through this! Feeling unsure about the person you’re keen on is a very unsettling feeling. However, when it comes to dealing with the situation, it’s a pretty simple process.

Trust your instincts
You need to listen to what your body is telling you. (I say ‘body’ because, interestingly, while a lot of us, if asked to point to where our ‘mind’ is, will point at their head, people in other cultures — for example, Japanese or Italian culture — will indicate that their mind is in their entire body.) Of course, sometimes it can be hard to separate paranoia or insecurity from intuition & gut feelings, but the longer you are alive & the more experience you have, the better you will get at this. The reason for trusting your instincts is that they are almost always right. When you make the next couple of steps, your intuition (or gut) might tell you your boyfriend is lying. If this is the case, listen to yourself, rather than him.

Talk to him about it
While you could don a silly wig, jump in a car & follow him, I don’t advocate this as a tactic! Sneaking around in people’s personal affairs — like reading their text messages or logging into their email, among other things — is pretty uncool. You really need to speak to him about your concerns. Organise a time to sit down with him, face to face, & ask him what’s going on. Don’t downplay your fears to try to seem like an unaffected ice queen: you need to be as authentic as possible. For example, I would say, “Honeybunch, I know that you’ve said you visit your family every weekend, & I would really like to trust you on that. But your behaviour has made me really suspicious — you never want to talk long on the phone & I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone else who is that keen on their family! So, if you’re sleeping with someone else, or you have another girlfriend, or something, please tell me.”

Gauge his response
You need to pay attention to him while he is taking this in. Watch what he does. He might be horrified, & say, “God, no! I’m so sorry you feel that way, but my grandmother is really sick & I feel like I need to spend as much as time possible with her before she dies.” But on the other hand, he might say, “Sleeping with someone else?! ... Another girlfriend?! ... Whatever…” You know him better than I do, so you’ll probably have a good sense of whether he is lying to you or not. There are a lot of non-verbal cues that indicate someone is lying. Try reading this, this, this & this!

Make your decision
Is he lying or is he being honest? You might never really know, but you have to make a decision. Either you believe him or you don’t. If you choose to trust him & it turns out that he has been sleeping around, it will hurt but you will have learned some kind of lesson. However, if you choose not to believe him, then you should break up with him. Relationships need to have a basis of trust, or really it is just a short cut to an ulcer & lots of grey hairs.

I hope, for your sake, that he is a good guy. I think the crux of this situation is knowing when to quit & when to stick — but you definitely need to talk to him about it, & make a call as to what you’re going to do. Best of luck!

P.S. You might like to read this, too: Will My Boyfriend Cheat On Me?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Changing Your Name

[ 10 October 2007, 22:57 ]

“A while ago I decided to go by my middle name instead of my first name just because I like it a lot better and I think it fits. Now I know that Gala Darling is probably not your birth name ;) and I was wondering how you managed to go through with the name change. I’m moving to France in a few weeks and of course I am going to introduce myself to everyone with my middle name but back home it probably won’t be as easy. I’m really shy so I don’t know if I can just tell everyone “Oh, by the way, that’s not my name anymore!” How did you do it? & does your family call you Gala? I don’t think my family could ever get used to it!!”

No, Gala Darling is not the name I was born with! I had never really liked my name — it bored me & there were always other people with the same name in my classes at school. I think using the internet so much at such a young age made me aware of the fact that we can be anyone we want to be. So few people use their actual names online, & so I was always using some different kind of alias, from the crass (fuckerina, anyone?) to the bizarre (TheWizard was my first nickname on Microsoft Comic Chat, ack!).

I had decided a couple of years prior to my name change that I really wanted my first name to be Gala. I don’t really remember why, I just knew that it appealed to me & I felt a connection to it (though the connection with Salvador Dali didn’t hurt!). I liked the meaning — festive party, joyful, merrymaking or singer (in Scandinavia). I wasn’t sure about the last name though, nothing was really coming to me, but I had this idea that maybe my name would come to me in a dream if I allowed it to. Sure enough, one day I had a nap & awoke with the phrase “Gala Lumière Darling” in my head. I wrote it down & knew, instantly, that I wanted it to be my identity.

I requested the necessary form, filled it out with much excitement & trepidation, & sent it away (along with a cheque). A couple of weeks later I received my new birth certificate in the mail! I mentioned that I had changed my name in my online journal & my father sent me a text message asking what I had changed it to… so I called my parents to tell them.

I wasn’t sure how they were going to react, but I was immensely relieved when my mother expressed her support (she thinks it’s “fantastic” that I changed my name, & says she wishes she was that confident at my age) while my father thought it was mildly confusing but didn’t really mind one way or the other. Names are such a funny thing, & I was idly concerned that they would be offended or disown me, but it was all for nothing, so I guess that was fortunate!

A few people balked at the news that I was changing my name. One person said they thought Gala was an “ugly” name & that I would “regret it”. (My response was something along the lines of, “Oh, good thing you’re not the one changing your name then, huh?”) One of my ex-boyfriends said I would always be (my old name) to him. Another ex — who I don’t speak to much — said he thought it was “hilarious”. But, you know, people have their opinions & love to spout them off! It’s our choice whether or not to take them on board, & as you can probably guess, I chose not to.

Most of my friends manage to call me Gala. There are occasional slip-ups, but it’s not a big deal. One of my friends apologises profusely whenever she messes it up, which is very cute! My mother almost always call me Gala, & my father has pretty much always called me Darling anyway… so it has all worked out pretty well!

Another way in which I was fortunate was that my name change came through in April 2006. In August that year, a paltry four months later, my boyfriend & I went on a world tour & moved country! When you’re meeting people for the first time, it’s all completely new, so everyone took my name at face value & we went from there.

It’s funny how quickly you adapt to a new name, actually. When I had been in Melbourne for about two weeks, I went to a hairdressing salon & the girl behind the counter seemed to recognise me but thought I was named something else. I assured her I wasn’t who she thought I was, when my boyfriend pointed out that my name used to be what she called me… I apologised & then realised we had attended school together years ago!

In doing all of this, I realised the worth & value of names, & how they shape us as a person. Changing my name really woke me up to how we are in charge of our own destinies, & having a name that was entirely mine made me feel like an intrepid traveller, in a sense. I mean, of course I am my parents’ daughter, but I don’t have their name — or the name they gave me — to hide behind any more. I am me, I stand up for myself, I have my own convictions & goals & for some reason, shaking off the baggage of my old name really crystallised things for me. It’s definitely one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Not to mention, having a name you adore & are proud of makes you feel fabulous.

These days we have the power to be whoever we want, live wherever we want, love whoever we want. I endorse seizing all those opportunities & really living.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Make Your CV Impressive

[ 8 October 2007, 12:54 ]

Putting together a decent curriculum vitae can be immensely frustrating. You don’t really know what people are interested in hearing, & it can be hard to strike a balance between being professional & still having a personality!

The normal formula for a CV goes something like this…

Name & contact details — address, phone number, email address.
Personal information — a little paragraph about yourself & your skills & possibly career goals (though this should be short, maybe four sentences at most).
Proficiencies — so, if you can program in C++ or speak German or you’re a whizz with spreadsheets, write them down. Be as specific as you can be (“Expert with Access databases”) & list them in bullet-point format.
Work experience — with your most recent roles listed first. There is some debate as to how far in your history you should go back, but I think listing any more than 10 positions will probably make you look a bit flakey.
Academic/professional qualifications — this is the place to say that you have a PhD in welding, for example, or that you took a course in tying your shoelaces, etc. You should include grades (don’t fake them, people sometimes ask for proof!) & the institution you studed at.
Additional skills — you can write anything you like here, say that you have management experience or make great coffee.
Interests — if you like playing darts or painting, write it down here. Keep it relatively sane-sounding, even if you’re not. I wouldn’t recommend writing about your rabid interest in taxidermy or getting multiple piercings in an evening. But do try to make it interesting, nobody wants to hire a dullard! (I’m sure you’re not, though!)

If you don’t have a lot of experience, the temptation is to pad out your CV like mad, & mention every crappy newspaper run or short stint cleaning your father’s shoes for pocket money. Don’t do it. Just keep it short & sweet. If it still looks really short, this is your opportunity to dazzle them with your drive & charm. In the ‘personal information’ part of your CV, write articulately about your goals & intentions. Mention something about how you bring enthusiasm to any team — people love that. If you’re not very articulate normally, have someone who is look over what you’ve written before you print it out or send it off.

Don’t underestimate the value of enthusiasm. This is my number one tip. I have seen hundreds of CVs & hired plenty of people personally, & after a while the CVs all start to blur together. You really have no idea how incredibly boring some of them are. Someone with a bit of spark, a bit of joie de vivre, is like a blessing sent directly from heaven. This, of course, applies in the interview as well. I once applied for a position as a book-buyer for a bookstore, a position for which I was wildly underqualified — my previous job was in a bank, selling people home loan & term deposit packages, ugh! Anyway, I was so hyped up & keen in the interview, that afterwards they called me & said, “We’ve offered the book buyer role to someone with more experience, but we would love you to work for us anyway”. I was thrilled & said yes, & then half an hour later they called me again, saying, “The woman we offered it to doesn’t want it anymore — would you like to take the position?” FABULOUS. So use your enthusiasm as a weapon, people will remember you!

Some people think you should put your date of birth, nationality & marital status on a CV. I say don’t. It’s nobody’s business, & it’s basically inviting discrimination. (No one is allowed to base a hiring decision on your age, race or marital status, among other things!)

A lot of dull, stiff-upper-lip type recruitment agencies advise against making your CV too “quirky”. I think that’s bollocks. Do you really want to work for a company that would persecute you for printing your CV on purple paper? No, I didn’t think so. It really depends where your priorities are — if you’re desperate for a job, any job, then sure, make it as dull as you like. But if you’re actually looking for work with some meaning, something you’re going to enjoy, then you should feel free to be yourself in your CV.

Don’t draw attention to your inadequacies, or otherwise undesirable traits. This rule applies to life in general, too. If you harp on about your huuuuuge nose, terrible typing skills or body odour “issue”, people will know — how couldn’t they? You are constantly blabbing about it! But if you don’t mention it, people will probably not even notice. Our flaws are always more obvious to ourselves than they are to anyone else. Other people are too busy thinking about their own huuuuuge nose, or whatever. Just don’t mention it. Don’t even be tempted to write, “Even though I don’t have a lot of experience…” or “While my track record is pretty stank, I hope to…”. Don’t. Okay? Good.

Write a really good cover letter. Most people don’t even send them & if they do, they’re tired & a waste of time. Put together a template. Say that you think you are an excellent candidate for the role & then list why. Take the job description & then relate it back to your own experience. Again, BE ENTHUSIASTIC! Get so excited about it on the page that they feel like they simply must meet you, even if it’s because you might be loon of the year. A lot of the time, you will be applying directly to the owner of the company — this company is their baby & they want people who love it as much as they do, so do your best to show that.

The length of your CV will really depend on your experience. I would say, even if you’ve been in the workforce for thirty years, write no more than 4 pages. Otherwise, it’s just too much. Businesses often receive hundreds of CVs & they just do not have time to read pages & pages of stuff.

Use a nice typeface. No Comic Sans, please! Eep! Make sure everything is spelled correctly, that there are no typos & all the tenses are correct (I am currently… I was… etc.). Don’t be afraid to print it on nice paper — a pink CV in a stack of white pages will definitely stand out. Don’t include a photo unless it’s relevant (& it won’t be very often). Keep a copy on your computer or even in Google Documents so you’ll always have it. Keep it up to date!

Getting a job can be hard work, & finding a job that you actually enjoy can be even harder. Be good to yourself & try to do something you like — work affects our lives so much, & if every day is hell, maybe it’s time to make a change. Good luck out there!

Extra For Experts:
Ignore the sales pitch, but this is a great example of a bad CV & a good CV.
Give your résumé a face lift, courtesy of LifeClever! (See also: The 7 deadly sins of résumé design, & be sure to read the comments!)
Common questions about CVs & good answers.
Make Your CV A Riveting Read!
Bad, just bad!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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A Doctor's Dilemma

[ 3 October 2007, 16:38 ]

“I am writing because I’d like to make a change in my life. I currently work full time to put myself through night school. I’m going to be a physician… in many, many, many years. I feel like my life is surrounded by things for the future and nothing for ‘now’. I work at a doctor’s office (which I enjoy), but I was thinking about doing something that may not be totally conducive for my future but would give me a sense of control that I desperately need. I want to (are you ready?) go to esthetician school. It will take about six months and leave me 5K-8K in debt. I think I’ll be able to work and still attend night school once I’ve graduated. I just want something in my life that I feel is mine, NOW, fully. I’m always working for tomorrow & I’ve forgotten to live for today. I’ve become very reclusive and have developed severe anxiety. I need something. I’m taking fiddle lessons, but I feel like I need more. I’m only 23 and I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life. That’s crazy right? I mean, I’m young and can make my life anything…right? No rules? No specific paths I need to follow? I dunno.”

If you want my opinion — & I’m assuming you do! — you shouldn’t go to esthetician school. You are already doing so much; you are a super-over-achiever, girl! I think the reason you feel like you have no control is because, well, you don’t. All the corners of your life have been pushed into neat little boxes, leaving nothing spare. Adding night classes to that — as well as more debt — will make you feel even crazier. You will have even less time. It sounds like a recipe for disaster.

No, what you need to do is take a break from everything. A week, if you can wrangle it. You need to pack a suitcase with beautiful & impractical clothes, grab your best friend(s) & start driving. Cross-country, up the coast, south, wherever. Pick a direction & go. Don’t plan too much. Roll down the windows & suck in the fresh air. Take photos & talk & sing. Tell secrets; think about the future; keep your foot down.

When you arrive at a destination of some sort, take deep breaths before you open your car door. Remember who you are. Rediscover your true essence. You are not just a physician-in-training. You are a wide-eyed treasure, a girl with messy handwriting who loves dogs & animal crackers. You are a tempest of love, a force to be reckoned with, a girl who once rode a bicycle without using her hands, a girl who wears bells in her hair & kisses strangers on New Year’s Eve. Then, with your mind drunk on imagery & vision, act accordingly.

So many of us feel like we need to impose more rules on ourselves in order to discover who we are. Really, all that does is stifle us & create resentment. We really discover who we are when we have as few rules as possible. Are we introverted or extroverted? Full of love or laden with anger? Curious? Brave? Naïve? Tolerant? Talkative? It is hard to learn these things about ourselves when we are punted from occasion to occasion. Our parents expect us to be one way, our friends another. We have to be professional at work, & diligent in school. But who are we, really? It’s only from taking time out, breathing, allowing ourselves to be & throwing off the shackles of a timetable that we find out.

The adventures you have now will be entirely yours, now & forever. They will remind you that you are entirely in control of your own destiny (which, of course, you are). They will allow you to live for today.

Open your heart, invite adventure in, embrace freedom.

One day in the not-so-distant future, when you’re rushed off your feet & working as one of the country’s top physicians, you can think back to your wild youth full of tousled hair & joy, & smile.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Dressing With The Essence Of Fairytales

[ 2 October 2007, 13:15 ]

“I was wondering if you could help me out. I really want to redefine my style so that I can dress ‘with the essence of fairytales’, but I don’t really know where to start. I sort of have a vague idea, but if you have any suggestions that would be great.”

A few years ago (2003 if I recall correctly), Eugenio Recuenco did a photoshoot for Vogue which was based around fairytales. The pictures were gorgeous, as you will see in a moment. Look at them closely & think about how you could imbue a little of that vibe into your daily outfits…

I think that when it comes to fairytales, or dressing on any kind of theme, you don’t want to be too obvious about it. You don’t want to look like you have just come from a Renaissance fair (probably), so wearing re-enactment costumes & their ilk is not the way to go.

You might find that it’s easiest to pick one fairytale & use that as a starting point¹. Maybe you like the rags-to-riches story of Cinderella, or the teeny tiny friends of Snow White. Read a few different versions of the story & observe the small details. Make a list of them, if you like. This will help you cultivate an aesthetic.

However, if you don’t want to do that, you can just work the fairytale look in other, small ways. I don’t think most fairytale characters had tans, so stay as pale as you can. You might like to use a vibrant cheek or lip stain, to give yourself a wintry flush. Try wearing an antique key around your neck — not one of those “new antique key necklaces”, but an actual antique key from an actual antique shop, on a string. Perspex shoes are in at the moment, so they would make a nice substitute for glass slippers (& there are a lot of sequinned flats around if you feel more Dorothy than Cinderella). Try buying vintage slips & dyeing them beautiful colours, like deep blue or green or scarlet. Start collecting full petticoats & clothing in strange, otherworldly fabrics. Wear glitter by your eyes. Crimp & colour your hair (white or deep red or raven black). Grow your hair long & put tiny braids in it. Wear a little tiara all the time, or an earring of a crown. Search Ebay for a vintage t-shirt with an airbrushed unicorn on the front (you know the sort!).

Make something your signature — red apples, beds, pumpkins or even porridge! Seek out anything that has this motif & wear it with gay abandon.

When it comes to fairytale-esque clothing, I think the best way to go is the homemade route, or at least go for things which look handmade. Contrasting stitching, ragged edges & a loose drapey feel will go a long way towards making it look right. Accessories, however, are a different story.

Disney has put out a range of high-end jewellery which is fairytale (& Disney) themed. If you had a couple of their pieces, you could work a whimsical theme into any outfit, whether you were wearing a sun dress or jeans & a t-shirt.

This Peter Pan slingshot necklace is fantastic. It’s a little bit Bart Simpson, & a little bit Never Never Land. You could always wear it with a little clock around your neck & a Lacoste t-shirt to work the Captain Hook angle!

These Snow White hand mirror earrings are awesome & of course, with them dangling from your lobes, you would be the fairest of them all.

I am actually in love with this gold-plated magic castle pendant. No further explanation needed.

There are a lot of other options at 80’s Purple (including Alice in Wonderland & Bambi-themed jewellery)!

Having a fairytale-themed bag is another way to work the look in a relatively easy way. Hot Topic sells these Snow White apple tote bags, & I like them very much.

Finally, if you love your dog but are also kind of cruel, why not dress it up as Tinker Bell, Snow White or Peter Pan?! (Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)

I hope you have fun creating & playing with your new look! I imagine that a whimsical-looking girl crouched over a big book by Hans Christian Andersen or the Brothers Grimm would be very appealing to a lot of people. Good luck!

[1] Note! Choosing Sleeping Beauty as your theme does not mean you can sleep all winter! Shame on you for even thinking it!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Sexual Abuse

[ 28 September 2007, 22:11 ]

“So my question regards your “Giving Up The Ghost“ article. When I first read that, it really inspired me to move on with my life, but recently have been plagued by my past. A couple years ago I dated a boy. I didn’t really like him that much, I just had him to have him, if that makes any sense. I had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship, so I was on a rebound as well. Anyway, I dated this boy for several months. He had many problems of his own, he drank and did drugs, which he kept a secret from me. He pressured me a lot into many things and brought me down. I’m not sure why I stayed with him, I think it was because I had just started college and all my friends were away at other schools; he was the first person I really made friends with. Anyway, one night, about 3 or 4 months after we began dating, he took advantage of me after I told him “no.” A few days later he called me and broke up with me and told me it was my fault he had done that to me. At the time I didn’t take it personally, I’m a strong woman and have been through a lot in my life, I was equipped to handle this. I went to the doctor and was checked out, I had a clean bill of health (I’m so thankful for this).

“It’s been two years since this happened and now it’s starting to eat at me and affect me and my relationships. Since then I just floated from relationship to relationship not really dealing with the problem. I have talked about it but nothing seems to have changed with me emotionally. This summer, out of the blue, something triggered back to that night and it really upset me. It caused all kinds of problems with me personally, suddenly I was questioning everything and everyone around me. I decided to go to counselling, but with school and work, any extra time is hard to find. I started feeling better once school started (to keep my mind off of things) but on the first day I walk out of my building and guess who I see, the boy that took advantage of me! He’s going to my school now and I see him everyday, he has classes with my friends and they talk about me. Why is he in my life again all of a sudden?! This really isn’t helping me get over all of this.

“So, my question is how do I deal with this personally, aside from counselling? I’m trying to keep myself busy and be healthy, but I still find myself getting down about this. My current boyfriend has tried to help but it’s becoming overwhelming for him since there’s not much he can do or say about it.”

It has taken me a really long time to write about this. The reason for that is because it’s a big topic, an important one, & I wanted my contribution on the matter to be helpful. I know that this is something that affects a lot of people — both sexes — so I have been cautious with what I say. I didn’t want this to turn into a rant about how bad the world can be, or for it to be angry, anti-male, depressing or a “me too” tale of epic proportions. I didn’t want to use scare tactics or quote statistics. This piece is written for the original letter-writer & for anyone who has experienced this themselves. It is about dealing with sexual abuse & how you can move forward.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It was not your fault. It is never your fault. You did not deserve it. No one ever “deserves” anything bad to happen to them. Your ex-boyfriend is trying to deflect the blame & avoid taking responsibility for his actions. Don’t shoulder that stuff, it is not your problem. He has his own issues to deal with.

The most important thing you can do is look after yourself. You need to think about you, you, you. If that means you need time out from your boyfriend, then you should tell him so. You say you have spoken about it with him. You may want to find someone who you can talk about it with — someone who is not in an intimate relationship with you. A close friend, maybe, or a therapist who you like enough that you make time for. A lot of people talk about counselling, & how it is useful, & of course, it is. Talking about our problems is hugely beneficial to us. But it doesn’t make them go away completely. I know people who have been in counselling or psychotherapy for years, & they are still as messed up as they were before — just now, they are able to talk about their problems. It is not my intention to speak ill of therapy or reduce its benefits, but I just feel that it has limitations.

I know I talk a lot about EFT, & it probably bothers some people because they don’t see how it could possibly work or what the fuss is about. I understand that it’s weird, & I don’t really know how it works either — but it DOES. I think that is the most important thing. If I could get rid of major trauma by jumping on one foot, I would, do you know what I mean?

If you’re relatively new to iCiNG or have somehow managed to avoid all the EFT references, here’s a quick run-down. EFT is a technique where we stimulate meridian points (like in acupuncture, except no needles) while thinking about problems or issues. Somehow, doing this releases them from our body’s memory. It is incredible. EFT is also an excellent way to rewire our brains so that we feel deep love, respect & forgiveness for & of ourselves.

I think it is one of the most incredible discoveries. It is very well suited for dealing with sexual abuse, haunting memories, or anything associated with an assault (inability to be intimate with others, fear, etc.). Here are some examples of it working — 1, 2, 3, 4 & 5. When I say it works, I mean it completely removes the pain of the memory. These are all testimonials of people who have used EFT to release past sexual trauma. Those testimonials explain how the people who have tried using EFT on these issues can no longer feel any emotion regarding the event. That is just mind-boggling, but true!

I read once that our body doesn’t know the difference between a memory & an event, so every time we replay something negative in our head, it’s like we are experiencing it all over again. So, in my humble opinion, it is worth trying. If you don’t know where to begin, check out my piece on EFT here — there is a video & everything. If you don’t know what to say, just say anything that comes into your head. There is no right or wrong with EFT, but I would advise drinking a lot of water & doing it in a place where you know you won’t be interrupted.

Rape, sexual abuse & sexual assault are hideous things to have happen to you, & unfortunately if they do happen, there is no way to erase that part of your life. However, you do have the power to tackle it however you like. You can think about it all the time & let the rest of your life suffer, or you can choose to deal with it & move on. It is entirely up to you.

You do not need to let it define you — it doesn’t define you. If a person is rude to you in the street or a shop, do you take it personally? I hope not. Sexual abuse is similar in that it involves you, but is never about you. It is about the other person. Drop any feelings or blame or guilt or “I could have prevented it if only…”. These feelings do not serve you, you are only inflicting further pain on yourself.

If you don’t want to try EFT, then please do yourself a favour & using the fingers of one hand, tap the padded side of your hand (under your little finger) whenever you have thoughts about what has happened to you. The anxiety, fear, anger or depression will lift, I promise.

Sometimes it can take a while — weeks, months or years — for people to realise what has happened to them. It’s very common to think of what happened as just an unpleasant experience, or something that went too far, & then one day you become aware of what it actually was. That can be very scary. It doesn’t really matter whether you give it a label or not, in fact I tend to think that labels just make life difficult, but any unwanted sexual behaviour is a gross abuse of power & trust.

Whether you report what happened to the police or not is up to you. If assault goes unreported, there is always the chance that your ex-boyfriend (or any perpetrator) will do the same thing to someone else. Talking to law enforcement about something which has happened to your body can be difficult to say the least, but you may find it gives you solace.

In response to your question (sorry it has taken me so long to get back on topic!), the best thing I think you can do is to use EFT to let your body know that you love, respect & forgive yourself for everything that has happened. This might be something you know at an intellectual level, but that you don’t really know at a deep level. I cannot begin to tell you what a huge difference this will make to your quality of life. Like the testimonials verify, all of the bad feelings related to the incident will just go away. Like cutting the string on an (environmentally friendly!) balloon. Incredible, but true.

If you can then move on to accepting & forgiving your ex-boyfriend for what he did to you, then so much the better. It will make your life about a million times easier. You don’t have to be his best buddy, of course that’s not a good idea. But walking around feeling hatred or loathing isn’t good for you — it warps you, & turns you into someone you are not.

I suspect that the reason he has re-appeared in your life is because the universe is telling you that you need to deal with what he has done to you. You may find that, once you have dealt with this issue, he sort of… disappears again. If not, you have some choices. You can go to the police & file a restraining order. You can tell him (or have your boyfriend tell him) in no uncertain terms to stay the %&^$ away from you, & that if he doesn’t comply with your request, that you will take legal action against him. You can tell some of your closest friends that he abused your trust & that you would be really appreciative if they had nothing to do with him. You can let someone high up in your school know what the situation is, & ask for their help or advice. Or you can just stay away from him.

Good luck to you, honey. You will be okay — in fact, you will be more than okay. When you decide to deal with what has happened to you, you will be restored to your former brilliance: a beautiful, shining light full of love & joy.

Extra For Experts:
V-Day
AADVARC
RAINN
After Silence
Male survivors
Effects of rape & aftermath from Wikipedia.

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Tags: advice, how to, life, madame, monsieur
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Camping In Style

[ 24 September 2007, 12:57 ]

Recently, a very sweet girl told me she was on her way to a school camp & didn’t know what to wear. She said that while her mother always tells her to take practical clothes, she often felt shown-up by the other girls, who were immaculately groomed — even after canoeing! Ahh, the joy of school. But it did prompt me to think that surely there was a way to camp in style. It can’t be all mosquito spray & burned marshmallows, can it?

I think that our dear letter writer’s mother is right in that practical clothes are key. Seriously, anything with a heel will either get ruined or ruin you (picture tripping over a log & mashing your face, for example). However! Practical does not necessarily mean styleless! & stylish does not necessarily mean impractical! This is a key point. You can still look devilishly cool in a pair of flat boots.

Suggested packing list:
A pair of relaxed-fit jeans — & hike them up, please! No one wants to see crack around the campfire, eep!
Flannel shirts. They’re comfortable & stylish & if you think you can wear them ironically, so much the better! Roll up the sleeves & leave the top few buttons undone, too.
A long black maxi-skirt or plain long dress. Obviously not for when you’re doing anything insanely physical, but it will be good for lounging around in the evening, as well as the trip there & back.
Vintage t-shirts. Cool & comfortable — hard to beat! Remember to always buy t-shirts which fit you, meaning they are long enough in the body, the sleeves hit you at the skinniest part of your upper arm & they’re not so tight that onlookers can see the shape & form of your belly-button.
Shorts. Nice ones! Not daggy ones! If it gets chilly, you can chuck a pair of leggings on underneath them.
Racerback singlets. They’re super-sporty & allow you to show a bit of skin without looking like that was your intention. (Sneaky!) Remember to buy a bra with convertible straps to wear with these.
A thick cardigan or faux-fur coat for night time (& cold mornings). When the temperature drops, you don’t want to be the girl who can’t eat dessert because her teeth are chattering.
Big flat boots. I would wear my New Rocks because they’re rugged & easy, but anything with a bit of weight to it will be fab.
Sandals. They’re much classier than jandals/flip-flops/thongs & the best ones have a delicious, French Riviera kind of feel.
A hat of some description. What you wear will depend on your style. I have, for example, a black baseball cap which says ‘Compton’ on the front (loooove it!) as well as a huge sunhat, & both would be good to take on holiday. Use your discretion!
Headscarves. These get a big tick in my book, I am a fairly unabashed fan. After a few days in the wilderness, lovely though it may be, your hair will begin to get a bit stanky. A scarf around your noggin is, in my opinion, the only sane response to a world gone mad.

Put together properly, these items will have you looking magnificent. Really, what you want to do is look effortlessly stylish. A log cabin, or tent, or whatever, is not really the place to bust out your couture, as nice as that would be. A few simple pieces & a necklace or some bracelets will go further than you might first think.

I suspect that the girls who look immaculate after canoeing aren’t paddling with a lot of vigour. That’s okay, though, I used to sit out physical education class every week & I turned out alright. I think, though, that the reason they look good is because they’re looking after their skin & hair. This is not hard to do, you just need a portable routine which you can take camping easily. Even when I was at Burning Man, I would moisturise every morning, apply makeup, & take it off again at night! It doesn’t take long & it makes you feel (& look) about a bazillion times better. (I don’t really go for that au naturel thing…)

What you take for your skin routine will depend on how much time you want to put into it. The girl who wrote to me said she was only going camping for two days, so I would suggest making it as fuss-free as possible. Take some baby wipes (the sort with aloe vera & vitamin e) & moisturiser, as well as foundation, concealer & waterproof mascara. Primer too, if you have it. Use the baby wipes in place of your normal cleanser & toner step, then moisturise, prime & apply foundation. Foundation, concealer & mascara is so easy to do — shouldn’t take more than about 3 minutes — & will make you look fantastic & low fuss. Showing up for a hike with a full red lip & smokey eye is probably a bit much.

Pull your hair back off your face, either into a ponytail or with a scarf. You will look clean & chic, even if you feel like a total grub-monkey. (That’s the official term, in case you were wondering.) You can add a couple of sparkly barrettes if you feel the need, but leave your curling tongs, GHDs, what-have-you, at home! You’re not at the Moulin Rouge, darling!

In closing, have a fabulous time. Take lots of photos, tell ghost stories & roast marshmallows like your life depends on it!

Extra For Experts:
Living It Up At Burning Man (well, it’s camping, innit?!)
The Perfect Roadtrip (you have to get there somehow…)

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How Can I Make My Travelling Dreams A Reality?

[ 19 September 2007, 23:55 ]

“For the past year I’ve had my heart set on going to the UK and travelling for a few months, and I was meant to be saving up all year, but so far I haven’t got one cent to my name, it’s so depressing! I want this to happen so bad, and yet I feel like it is so unattainable, how can I realise my dream?”

Travelling is so much fun! It’s one of my favourite things to do. I love love LOVE the thrill of deciding on a location, doing a whole lot of research, booking hotels & finding good deals, making lists of places to go, packing my suitcase, boarding the plane & the wonder of walking off at the other end!

An idea without a plan is just a dream, & will probably never happen. Picture your journey to England as a bunch of stones across a pool. You need to hop from one to the other, & take steps across to get to the other side. You also need to know how to get from each stone to the next.

In my experience, usually we put off doing things (or they don’t rank highly on our priority list) because we’re not really that excited about whatever it is. Maybe you have some kind of underlying fear about going there — like that you can’t afford it or perhaps you’ve never travelled alone. Put these thoughts out of your mind (use EFT!) & start moving forward! It’s time to start believing you can make it happen. Seriously, I think about 80% of achieving a goal is in knowing you can do it! Millions of people visit the United Kingdom every year, & there is nothing to say you can’t be one of them!

You need to get really enthusiastic about going to the UK. There are about a billion ways you can do this. Rent movies set in Britain, search Flickr for photos of the places you hope to go, make a journal full of ideas of things to do, start talking to people in Britain online, ask your friends who have been about their travels, read travel books & start discussing your plans with someone who is excited for you! Cut out pictures from magazines or travel brochures of the places that appeal to you, & stick them where you’ll see them all the time — at your desk, above your bed or opposite the shower. The more you see these images, the more fired-up you will get! It will also help to focus your intentions & remind you of what you want to do.

The next thing to do is start pricing the trip. Since I am under 26, I almost always use STA Travel for my air travel. I get major discounts because of my age, & I am cool with that! That link will take you to the American site, but there are branches all over the world. Have a look at their deals & get an approximate cost of what a return flight will cost you. The price will change depending on what time of the year you want to go, so take that into consideration. You’ll also need to check out hotels to see what their rates are like. Try Wotif for discounted rooms & Virtual Tourist for hotel reviews!

Flights & accomodation are your major costs, so you should have some idea of a ballpark figure. Then you need to work out how much money you’ll need for food, sight-seeing, buses or trains or taxis, taxes, travel insurance, etc. Of course, the more you budget for, the better, since it means you don’t have to be super-careful about what you spend & don’t have to subsist on noodles or dry chicken sandwiches for the length of your trip!

Okay, once you have those numbers written down, you can start to make a plan. How much money do you have left over at the end of the week, after you’ve paid rent & bills & been to the supermarket? Work out how much of that you could feasibly put into saving for your trip. If you put every spare cent towards your trip, you might start to go a bit nutty, so try not to make a budget you can’t stick to (or that will make you miserable). Then, divide your total estimated travel costs by this number. Your result is how many weeks it will take you to obtain the money needed.

Open a savings account (if you don’t have one already) & organise for an automatic payment to go in there the day after you receive your pay. Then sit back & watch the money build up. When you’re well on your way, start to make your travel arrangements. Don’t dip into your savings unless there is an absolute emergency! Trust me!

Read up on where you want to go (check out books like Wallpaper City Guide: London 2008, You Go Girl London: A Travel Guide Just For The Girls, Time Out London & Frommer’s Irreverent Guide to London). Set a photo of London as the wallpaper on your computer at work. Develop a taste for cornish pasties, bangers & mash & black pudding (just kidding about the black pudding). Collect your friends’ addresses so you can send them postcards of Prince Charles’ head. Work out how to get to Harrods & promise yourself that you will eat at Ladurée (on the ground floor). Read Old London Town, Putting The ‘Rave’ In Travel Since 1983! & How To Pack A Suitcase, all by yours truly! Read Barbelith’s suggestions for fun in London. Look at London in film. You get the idea!

Finally, remember to take some postcards, & have a jolly good time, old chap!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Going Crazy

[ 6 September 2007, 14:35 ]

I recently received an email from a girl who had just moved city & it seemed like everything was going wrong. She hates her job, she feels lonely, she has gained weight, she is stressed out, her family is sick, etc.! It was insane! Mostly, though, she wanted to know how to get her creative bent back. It had neglected her & she was desperate for it to return.

Here is my response…

Wow, it sounds like things are going pretty crazy for you right now.

As hard as it seems, my advice would be to concentrate on the positive as much as you can. I know it seems impossible, but the thing is, we get what we focus on. So if all of this stuff is sitting in your brain, you can’t help but attract more of it.

If you don’t know how to get it out of your head, use EFT.

Focus on the good things in your life. Write a list every morning of the things for which you are grateful. Even if it is just that you have a roof over your head, that the sky is blue, that your partner loves you.

Take things slowly. Allow yourself time to decompress. Go for walks. Get as much sleep as you need. Don’t try to force your creativity — it never works. When you are relaxed & feel safe, it will start to come back to you.

Allow yourself pleasure. Read good books or magazines. Watch videos on Youtube which fill you with wonder. Go swimming.

I hope this helps…

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Virginity

[ 5 September 2007, 13:59 ]

“I have a situation, and I was wondering if you could give me some advice? So my best friend, she has her first boyfriend and they’re adorable together, no question. They’ve been going out for 3 months now, and his birthday is coming up. My friend is considering giving him her “v-card” as one of my other friends calls it. In other words, she wants to give up her virginity to him for his birthday. I mean, she really does like him, but i don’t trust him. I have my reasons… Well first off, he’s her first but she’s definitely not his. He’s already had sex before, and gets horny a lot (yes, we’re girls we tell each other everything.) Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but i feel my friend doesn’t have much experience with all that, and she’s moving much too fast. They’re not at the same level of experience. Also, recently he’s been caught having phone sex with another girl. And when she asked him why he had done it or even why he hadn’t talked to her, he responded with “well I knew you weren’t into cybering and all that, so i knew you wouldn’t do it.” I mean no offence, but what the hell kind of answer is that? When my friend told all of us about her possible intentions, we went through the routine. My other two best friends said no your too young.. blahblahblah. I tried to address the more emotional parts of the situation because we’ve all heard of the other risks, and she said she’d think about it. But I feel he has control of her. This has already happened before in a way. We had a similar discussion about blow jobs (we think they’re a bit degrading unless its mutual) and she said she’d never ever do it. Well, sure enough a week later after a camping trip up-state. She had done it. Another reason she wants to do it is because she’s afraid she won’t get the chance. She said it would be like this. They’d break up eventually (because we all know they will, high school relationships usually don’t last) and then she’d screw some other guy out of desperation. Am I missing something, or is this totally a bad concoction? I mean, she seems a bit too immature (relationship-wise) to handle it don’t you think? She’s like my sister, I’m scared. Help me Gala!”

Aww, sweetie. You’re so lovely — this email is proof of that.

Firstly, she is a girl smitten. It is hard to reason with anyone in love. Even if someone is in an abusive relationship, you will NEVER convince someone to leave their partner. People have to come to their own conclusions. Trying to persuade someone to do anything is almost always a waste of time. (Even sometimes when people ask your opinion. They usually already know what they’re going to do.)

I think giving someone your virginity for their birthday is a pretty strange present. Imagine the conversation around the dinner table! “So, what did you get for your birthday, Johnny?” “Well, Mom… !”

The fact of the matter is this: the first time is pretty bad. I would be thrilled to hear an “I lost my virginity & it was great!” story. There are a lot of people who just want to get it out of the way so they can actually get on with their sex life, & there’s nothing wrong with that.

Her immaturity is an interesting point. How do we ever really know we’re mature enough for anything? Having children, getting married, buying a house? You never really know until you try it out. Then you can gauge whether you’re out of your depth or not. I often look at kids who are 15 or 16 & think there is no WAY they could possibly be ready to have sex. Of course, at that age, you feel like you could conquer the world before breakfast, so it’s probably not a sentiment they share!

I would also venture that there is nothing degrading about any sex act which both people are enjoying. If you look at sex as a routine, like, “First I’ll do this & then you do that & then we’ll do this”, it takes a lot of the spontaneity out of things. The only real problems start when people are doing things out of obligation or just to appease the other person. It’s a recipe for disaster. But you will learn this yourself sometime!

Her boyfriend does sound like a turd. I don’t know that there is necessarily any point in getting in the middle of it. It will only strain your friendship. People need to learn their own lessons, unfortunately. You might want to say that you think he will hurt her, & if she seems receptive to talking about it, then outline your concerns. Otherwise, I’d advise you to stay out of it — & be there for her when he breaks her heart.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Be Confident

[ 3 September 2007, 13:30 ]

I receive a lot of email about how to be yourself when people around you — parents, friends, teachers, workmates — feel the need to bug you about what you’re wearing or how you look. Girls email me & say, “I wish I could dye my hair a crazy colour but I think I would get so much trouble that it’s not worth it”. Boys explain, “I love to get dressed up & make an effort with my appearance, & it’s really hard when everyone around me tells me I look crazy”.

Let me tell you a little something. Being ‘different’ is always harder than being ‘normal’ & fitting in, towing the line. There is always more effort involved. Any schmuck can wear jeans & comb their hair & be a lemming. It takes someone with guts & a bit of a twist to do something different. Which side you take is totally up to you, but I guess it would be slightly biased of me to say that being on the ‘weird’ side is a lot more fun…

I have always been a bit of a nut. When I was 13 & discovered the internet, my whole life really changed. I stopped torturing myself by listening to the radio & started to seek out music I actually LIKED. I went a bit goth. I would catch the bus into the city & wear a pair of silver angel wings strapped to my back all day. It was during this time that I learned how difficult it was to be weird, but also how much value there was in it. Getting on the bus where I lived was always an ordeal, regardless of how I dressed. Even when I was a ‘normal’ dresser, there were still hordes of teenagers sitting in the back seats, ready to jeer or berate anyone who they didn’t instantly like the look of. While I & my image changed, they didn’t. I realised it didn’t matter HOW I looked, I would still get the same response. So I thought, to hell with them. I’ll do what I want. Why should I bow to someone else?

As you can imagine, a 14 year old girl wearing black & angel wings got a lot of attention. The strangest thing, to me anyway, was that most of the attention was positive. The people who I thought would be most vehemently negative — adults — were actually the opposite. They would stop me in the street to say how great I looked, & how I had brightened up their day. Just by being me, just by dressing how I wanted to.

Does anyone ever have that effect by wearing a pair of jeans & a t-shirt?

Hopefully, this knowledge will help give you some confidence when it comes to wearing something a bit risky or a bit ‘out there’. Of couse, building confidence is really important for all kinds of scenarios. Here are some ways to work on it:

Realise how amazing you are. There will never be anyone like you. That’s why it is so important to express yourself as much as you can — if you don’t, the world will miss out. Develop your talents. If you love to write or paint or sing or add numbers together, do it more often! This will naturally make you feel good about yourself.

Learn to love & accept yourself. Truly, this is the most crucial thing. I know it sounds corny & lame, but hating yourself is much higher on the corn-&-lame-o-meter. It can be really hard to do this, so I suggest using EFT. (It changed my life, I will never stop advocating its use!)

Learn how to avoid creeps. It sounds crazy but it works, without fail, every time. It is a fantastic energy management technique.

Accept compliments with grace. Even (& especially!) if you don’t believe what the compliment-giver has said! Just say, “Thank you”, even though you might want to blurt out “Oh how wrong you are!”. People tell you nice things because they want to make you feel good. Why would they waste their breath telling you a lie? Eventually, you will begin to believe it when people praise you.

Choose a role-model, & think “What would ______ do?”. Then act accordingly! Madonna is my role-model of the moment, but you might like to use Cary Grant, James Bond, Elizabeth Taylor, Anna Wintour, or one of your parents. (I often channel my mother or father in social situations.)

Stick up for yourself. Don’t put up with those nasty people who make a joke out of being awful to everyone else. It’s tragic & it makes you feel awful. Change your social group if you have to — it will make an enormous improvement to the quality of your life. (Read this for more info.)

Rehearse in your head. If you’re nervous about phonecalls, job interviews or general conversations, rehearse them alone. I do this all the time, I can’t help myself! It definitely helps.

Finally, the (seemingly) superficial things. Think about your body language & posture. Straighten your back, drop your shoulders & hold your head high. Kooky as it sounds, this will automatically give you confidence. When you talk to people, look them in the eye as much as possible. If you’re freaked out by the concept of hearing what other people might be saying about you, wear headphones while you walk around.

Remember that other people’s opinions of you are NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! (If I worried about what everyone else thought, I’d never get anything done…)

Other people who have said it better…
“The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.” — Rita Mae Brown
“The opposite of bravery is not cowardice but conformity.” — Robert Anthony
“The only fundamental rule for me is to just be yourself. Let your freak-flag fly, and if someone doesn’t get you, move on.” — Drew Barrymore
“Is life not a thousand times too short for us to bore ourselves?” — Friedrich Nietzsche

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Will My Boyfriend Cheat On Me?

[ 28 August 2007, 15:11 ]

“I have issues with my boyfriend’s history. He has had sex with nine other girls and hooked up with countless others… and while he has so far been faithful to me, I’m afraid that his past behavior will eventually take over. Is that legitimate? He says it hurts him when I say that, but I can’t help stop thinking about his tendencies and his flirtatious personality.”

I know what’s it like to be preoccupied with a fear about your partner’s fidelity. It’s awful. It makes you feel ill. I’m sorry that this stuff is on your mind at the moment.

Some thoughts which might appease your fears: Recognise that to a lot of people, nine sexual partners is but a drop in the ocean — hell, to some, it’s chaste. Remember that your boyfriend is with you for a reason. Consider the possibility that he was only behaving that way once upon a time because he was unhappy, or looking for something he couldn’t find — which maybe he feels he has with you.

But that stuff isn’t the real issue.

Here’s a little thing I’ve learned in my time on the planet: We get what we focus on. It doesn’t matter whether that thing is a subconscious or irrational fear (“What if I get attacked by a rabid dog?!”) or something we plug in on purpose (“I want a life like Carrie Bradshaw’s”). It’s just what happens. We move towards the thing we put the most energy into.

Have you ever noticed that the people who get cheated on the most are the ones who are constantly fearful of it happening? Or that really optimistic, positive people seem to always have amazing things happening to them? This is NOT coincidence!

You need to remove these fears from your mind. (The most effective way to do this is with EFT.) Otherwise, you will go crazy. Make the conscious decision to trust your boyfriend & to enjoy your time with him. If he cheats on you, he cheats on you. There is nothing you can do about it. You can either live your life in fear of what might happen, or let it go & get on with it! Nine lovers doth not a cheater make!

Trust your instincts. If you think he’s being shady or seeing girls behind your back, talk to him about it. But ultimately, if you don’t believe him or trust him, the best thing you can do is to get out of the relationship. Jealousy & insecurity is the number one relationship killer. Don’t let your worrying tendencies mess up something amazing!

I would also be inclined to say that your insecurity probably stems from a lack of self-esteem… Working on this issue is in your best interests!

Good luck, kitten!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Being The New Kid

[ 27 August 2007, 19:43 ]

“I’m 15 and I’ve lived in the same small rural town since 1st grade! My family’s moving a few hours away to be by my grandpa (he’s sick) and I’m going to be plopped into the middle of a big (to me haha) city high school that’s twice the size of my old one… I’m kind of nervous as I’ve never been a “new kid” before. So how do I make friends and deal with the first few days when I don’t know anyone and am sitting alone at the lunch table? I’m not sure how to deal with leaving all my friends behind.”

I don’t know whether saying this will make you feel better or worse, but trust me, this is not a problem that only occurs when you’re in school. Any time you move — whether that’s cities, houses or jobs — you will face this problem. The good news is that once you know how to deal with it, you’ll have a plan of attack for the next time, so it does get easier!

I never moved town as a child. I moved house once — just down the street! I remember walking the distance, holding my Santa bear & my mother’s hand. It was quite exciting, really. I changed school once too, when I was 12. That was pretty scary. There are so many things to contend with that it’s hard to feel good about it straight away.

However, there is a major bonus to moving city/school/job: it’s a blank slate. No one knows who you are, or where you’ve been, or what you’ve done. If at your old school you were known as the prom queen, or the chess champion, or the really quiet girl, or the class clown, you have the opportunity to remove that from your history altogether. You can be whoever you want. If you’ve always wanted to be confident, athletic, intelligent, well-spoken, popular, friendly or thoughtful, this is your perfect opportunity to become that person. All you need to do is decide that that’s who you’re going to be. You might find it difficult to “be” that person sometimes. A good trick is to think of someone who personifies those traits, or who you want to be like, & then ask yourself what they would do in that situation. (At the moment, my person to think of is Madonna, but your mileage may vary!)

When I moved to Melbourne, I really appreciated the opportunity for a new beginning. I had changed my name a few months beforehand, & it was incredible to introduce myself as “Gala” & be called that straight away, & have no one calling me my old name by mistake. It seems like such a small thing, but it really helped emphasise that I truly was beginning a new stage of my life!

You’re never really going to know in advance what your new school/job/city is going to be like. You might hear rumours or stories, but that never gives you a true picture — not to mention, everyone perceives things differently! All you can do is take it as it comes!

Other than that, here’s how to make the most out of your situation:

Be yourself as much as possible. Trying to change to “fit in” to a group of popular kids is always a waste of time! (Not to mention, it’s the misfits who have the most fun…)

Take the opportunity to create a really positive impression. You might have had a science teacher who had it in for you back home, but things don’t have to be that way! Start fresh.

Be nice to people! When people speak to you, make the most of the situation. Smile, make eye contact, & ask them questions — if you do, people will think you are a fantastic conversationalist. Ask people what they think of their teachers & school if you can’t think of anything else to say — everyone has an opinion on those subjects!

Don’t take it too personally if people don’t warm to you straight away. Sometimes it takes time to meet people who you really connect with. I’ve lived in Melbourne for almost a year now & it’s taken me much longer to make friends than I thought it would! Realise that friendships take time to build & if they don’t, it is not because you’re flawed — it just wasn’t meant to be!

Remember that you are probably not the only “new kid”! There will be other people in your school in the same position — & everyone was a “new kid” once! We all eventually get past the hurdle of everything being unfamiliar!

Get involved in your new city! Exploring a new place is really fun. Find a cafe you like, go window-shopping, visit art galleries & museums & parks. Take up whatever activities you used to do, or start something you’ve always wanted to try, like ballet, yoga, playing piano or circus classes! Getting involved in activities is a great way to meet new people.

Don’t feel like you are being tragic if you cry when you leave your home for the last time! I have moved city twice & both times I went to the airport blubbing! Uprooting your life is hard work & it’s completely normal to feel sad, distressed, confused or irritated by the whole thing. Don’t punish yourself for having feelings, & know that any angst you are feeling is temporary & will lift.

Keep in touch with your old friends from home. Given the distance, things will naturally change, but that doesn’t mean you should never speak again! Send emails & packages. I often think that one of the best things about moving is that you start to receive really great mail!

Start creating an environment that makes you happy. For me, this means sticking up the pictures I like, plugging in my stereo, putting my pink-striped sheets on the bed & hanging up fairy lights. It is always wonderful to have somewhere beautiful & relaxing to come home to!

Good luck to you, sweetie-pie! I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself & make some marvellous friends!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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My Best Friend Is In Love & Ignores Me!

[ 22 August 2007, 13:29 ]

“One of my best friends got a boyfriend a couple of months ago and as soon as it started she started spending all her time with him and hardly any with me and our friends. Anyway, I thought, oh, I guess that’s what happens and that it will stop and she’ll hang with us again, but it hasn’t, and it’s really upsetting. Her boyfriend is on holiday and is coming back tomorrow and I said “Oh, we should hang out” but she said “But Aaron is coming home tomorrow” and I was stunned. She has hung out with him for the past months everyday and I’m one of her best friends and she has placed him above me. I’m seriously upset. I’ve been crying for the last hour because I don’t know what to do. I said the whole “friends are forever” thing but it didn’t work, I just have no idea what to do.”

I’m sorry that has happened to you! It’s a pretty awful situation. I have been in it a few times myself, from both sides of the argument. I have had friends with boyfriends who seem to disappear into a hazy den of love & sin for months on end, & I have been one of the girls who took pause from the rest of the world to concentrate on my beloved. This, I believe, makes me extra-qualified to talk to you about your problem!

Here are some facts about your best friend.

She is being rather selfish;
She is not being a good friend to you;
She is either deeply in love or deeply in lust;
When they break up, or the novelty wears off, she will feel really bad & lonely & guilty.

Right now, she is so deeply embroiled in what they have (long make-out sessions, cutesy nicknames, intimacy that rocks their world & a general feeling of bliss) that she really can’t think about anything else. She might try, but the thoughts will only flit through her mind like a refugee butterfly, & then she will go back to the far more exciting business of counting the freckles around his navel — or whatever. Consider her lost to the lunacy of love; set adrift in a sea of swoon.

Romantic love is big business, after all. Why do you think there are so many love songs?

There is no sense in trying to capture her attention — you won’t. Cut your losses & move on. Make new friends or just seek solace in your other ones. She’ll come back to you when she’s ready. When this happens, try to forgive her & don’t be too angry… since you will probably be in her position one day!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Start A Blog

[ 14 August 2007, 13:29 ]

Of all the questions I receive, number one MUST be “how do I start a blog?”. The other day I replied to four such emails, only to have another one come in overnight! I wrote a guest post for Problogger a while ago, called Gala’s Lessons In Blogging, which is all the surface-level stuff. However, since I keep getting questions, here is a more in-depth look at starting a blog!

There are a few realities about blogging (& running any kind of online business) that I would like to bring to your attention before I start. Please don’t feel like I am raining on your parade by saying these things — really, I am trying to save you heartbreak.

Starting an online business is not a get-rich-quick scheme!

I promise you, if quick cash is really all that you are after, starting a blog or an online business or selling clothes on Ebay is NOT the best way to do it. A lot of people start websites & then stop posting after a couple of months when they discover that they’re not rolling in dough.

I am what some people might call a “hardcore optimist”. When I started my blog & read Darren Rowse’s article Monkey Bar Blogging, I was kind of annoyed but decided that I wasn’t going to let his reality stop me from achieving my goals. That’s all well & good but the thing is that everything he says in that article is TRUE. It takes time to make money from a website, & anyone whose website is self-sustaining — meaning that it earns more than the outgoings, like domain registration, hosting costs, etc. — is very fortunate. (This doesn’t even take into account the very, very few who manage to live off their website, & comfortably.) This is not to say that it won’t happen for you, but I think it helps to know what you’re getting yourself into.

I really think that blogging is something you should start as a side-project. Keep your day job & blog in your spare time — because baby, when you start your website & you’re earning less than 20c a day, you’re going to appreciate that salary.

Another thing that happens with blogging is that you will get asked — constantly — about how much money you’re making, how you manage to maintain your lifestyle (whatever that may be), & how you do it. I have never been comfortable discussing my financial situation with anyone, it’s just how I was raised, so this has been a big hurdle for me. I don’t feel like anyone needs to be party to that information except for my bank manager & the tax department! Even now, I don’t give out a lot of information on the subject. Just something to be aware of, if you are similarly “funny about money”!

Okay, let’s begin! Here are some things you will need:

A topic or subject area (after all, “Jessica’s Blog About Life, The Universe & Everything” might be a bit overwhelming to start with);

A domain name;

Hosting;

A content management system.

You will probably have some idea of what you want to write about — if not, I would suggest writing about something you love or know a lot about. Some people think they know a lot about shoes, but then run out of steam two months in. Try to pick a topic which REALLY pushes your buttons. As well as making it easier to come up with ideas for articles, passion always makes writing better.

It wasn’t difficult for me to come up with a domain name — it’s just my name! However, there are a lot of people who end up getting URLs like ilikecheeseandpickles.com or bestfashionsiteever.com. Ultimately, it’s up to you, though I would urge you to get something short, without dashes, & preferably something you don’t have to spell out to people. You should be able to yell it across a rowdy bar & have someone understand you. Good old Problogger has an article on Choosing The Domain Name For Your Blog which is worth a squizz. I registered my domain through Joker but I know a lot of people swear by Go Daddy.

My hosting is provided for me by a friend in New Zealand, for which I am incredibly thankful, but again, Darren Rowse comes to the rescue with Blog Hosting Recommendations supplied by his readers!

When it comes to choosing a content management system (basically, what you type the words into), there’s really no one-solution-fits-all. I say, do some research & then pick something which sounds good to you. I use Text Pattern at the moment, which is okay, but I now want to really push the boundaries of my website & Text Pattern just isn’t powerful enough. Those of you who read my guestpost over at Problogger will know that I’m planning a move to Drupal soon, which I am not really looking forward to! As a good starting point, check out Choosing A Blog Platform & Which Blogging Platform Do You Use & Why?

You’ll also need to either choose a template for your site or design one yourself. A logo helps too. If design isn’t your strong point, just throw something together & then upgrade it when you have the chance, either by hiring someone to do it or by spending a few hours on it yourself. Don’t be afraid to get other people’s opinions if you’re not sure how it looks. Really, the most important thing is just to have your website up & running — you can (& will) tweak it later on. iCiNG has had a couple of redesigns in the nine months it’s been around. My boyfriend estimates that we have spent at least a month, full-time, tweaking our Text Pattern design so that it works the way we want it to. He also hand-coded a lot of what we use. Ahh, bless.

Additionally, I suggest reading Problogger’s Blog Hosting, Domains & Blogging Platforms — What We Wish We Knew. (In case you hadn’t twigged to it yet, Problogger is an invaluable resource for those of us slogging away at blogging! Subscribe to it, read EVERYTHING! You will not regret it. Almost everything I know, I learned from Darren!)

Some other things to consider include…

Monetisation
If you’re planning on making some money out of your blog, you really need to work out how you’re going to do that. Google Adwords? Will you sell your own advertising space via Blogads? Will you sell products — physical or digital? (E-Junkie is my favourite shopping cart service.) Will you charge a subscription fee? Will you just ask for donations? (That last one is a hard road, I’m telling you!) Basically, there are a lot of ways you can make money with a website, but you need to find what works best for you. Check out How Bloggers Make Money From Blogs for more information!

Visibility
How are you going to let people know your website exists? Comment on other people’s blogs, especially those in your niche. Make friends with other bloggers, help people when they need it. Submit your website to every search engine ever invented. Email everyone you know & tell them you’ve started a blog & would love to hear their opinion on what you’ve created. If your website is about your local area, write to your newspaper & tell them about it. Don’t hesitate to tell “big, important” people about your website if you think they would like it or if it has information that might help them! Take chances!

Setting a good example
Unless you’re starting a blog which is about being nasty or complaining (please, don’t! There are enough already!), you would probably hope that the people commenting on your website are positive, encouraging & helpful. If they’re not, check your own attitude — often people are just following your lead. I once (innocently) commented on a blog & everyone jumped on my back! I should have known better, the author wasn’t the happiest person on earth…

An average day in the life of Gala

I wake up at 7am & check my email. I respond to the comments left on iCiNG overnight (I receive about 60 a day) & then go through the rest of my email. I normally receive somewhere between 40 & 50 emails (not counting friend requests for Myspace & Facebook!), ALL business-related in some way. People ask me for advice, people send me links or story ideas, I get press releases from PR companies & all manner of things. I try to clear my inbox every day but sometimes it is a struggle!

Then I sit around & write some content. I usually get my first piece done by about 10.30am, then I have some breakfast & a shower & get dressed. Sometimes I’ll take outfit photos, load them up in Photoshop, clean them up, post them. Then I get up & maybe go for a walk. I come back, do more writing, clear more email. Post some more stuff. At around 6pm, we organise some kind of dinner (like pizza or something similarly nutritious). I do some more writing & emailing. I watch an episode of something bad, like Sex & The City, _____’s Next Top Model or Australian Idol. I plan what I’m going to do the next day. I go to sleep at about midnight. (Oh, & this doesn’t include all the time spent reading Livejournal, Facebook & Myspace or checking comments on Flickr, auctions on Ebay or website statistics. Or all the time spent reading the hundreds of RSS feeds in Google Reader!)

Yes, it’s a busy life. The days just disappear. I love what I do, but as you can see, it is 90% work & 10% life. I’m working on my time management, but you know. It’s tricky!

Disclaimer!

I have been really blessed by my circumstances. My boyfriend 100% supports what I do — I often think he has more faith in me than I do! I cannot tell you how incredible that is. It’s pretty tough to do something if you’re the only one who thinks it will happen. He is a fantastic ally. He is also a computer genius (I like ‘em clever!) & he takes care of almost all technical aspects of the website. While I designed it (& am okay with HTML, PHP, CSS), he’s the one who thinks about how long it takes for my pages to load, created a lot of the functionality of the website, urged me to think about user interface, submitted my website to a million search engines (& stayed up until the wee hours of the morning doing it on many occasions), etc. He is a TOTAL saviour.

I have also had the wonderful fortune of being hosted, for free, by another guy who is a computer genius. He can fix any problem with my website in the blink of an eye & it doesn’t cost me a cent. How amazing is that? Very. If I was paying either of these men for their technical expertise, it would have cost me tens of thousands of dollars.

Full-time blogging is not for everyone. (23 Questions For Prospective Bloggers — Is A Blog Right For You?) You need to do it for love, or you will go nuts. Some people don’t want the responsibility of starting their own business, & prefer working in an office or a shop. But if you do want to start your own business, you need to know that it is tough, & it really tests you. It’s kind of like having a child — it is constantly on your mind, you worry about it a lot, you wonder whether you’re doing the right thing. Starting a business will challenge all your beliefs.

Do you think you’re smart enough to earn a living? Do you deserve to have your own business? Do you believe that people will want what you’ve got on offer? Are you really that much of an expert? Are you really just a big phoney? What if it doesn’t work? What if you’re a failure? What if you’re a SUCCESS? Will people dislike you? Do you trust yourself with that much money? Will people pretend to like you just because you’re successful? This is a tiny portion of the thoughts which will fly through your head. Trust me, it is hard.

I think that really, with ANY business, you should be doing something that you would DO FOR FREE. I truly believe that this is the way to achieve satisfaction from work.

Good luck!

P.S. If any of you have more technical questions, I’ll get my boyfriend to jump into the comments to help you out.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Nu Rave

[ 13 August 2007, 14:07 ]

“Recently I’ve been becoming really enticed by this season’s “new rave” trend, as I love bright colours and weird patterns but I don’t have a clue how to go about dressing myself in lurid, dayglow colours without looking like a clown!”

The Nu Rave look is tricky to pull off, since I feel quite strongly that neon colours were probably never created with the intent of people splashing them onto clothes. When you think about it, garish green, shocking pink, eye-watering yellow & brain-crushing orange don’t really go with anyone’s skin tone. I mean, yes, it can be worn, but it’s not neccessarily flattering.

However, cautionary tale aside, obviously you want to pick up on the trend, so here are some ways to do it!

Secret Genius Tip
I think the way to master the “nu rave” look is to imagine you’re a senior citizen, & you’ve just caught the bus to Atlantic City to do some gambling for the weekend. However, while you were packing, your cruel grandchild spiked your tea with psychedelics. Now: dress accordingly.

Try to keep neon colours away from your face as much as you can. It’s really easy to look washed-out or ill if you’re wearing the wrong colour under your chin.

Those House of Holland t-shirts have been a huge hit & sell for a keen price on Ebay. Chain stores have picked up on the trend & you can now buy a knock-off for a pittance. Over here in Australia, Supre has a whole lot of white t-shirts with “BAD HAIR DAY” & “LOVE YOU LONG TIME” printed in neon green. If you’re not sure how long the trend (or your interest in it) will last, going for one of these cheaper, “gateway” items might be your best bet.

On your bottom half, try wearing colourful leggings, skinny jeans in sky blue or lime green, or a bubble skirt with crazy stockings underneath. Ksubi (pictured above) have an incredible range of wild skinny jeans, & Urban Outfitters have skinny jeans in fuschia, green & blue.

As always, colourful accessories are the way to go. Buy some crazy platform sneakers or cheap fake Converse & cover them with paint & sequins & gee-gaws. Buy a plain tote & spray a stencil on the side in hot pink paint. Load up on colourful jewellery, neon wigs & silly sunglasses. Paint your nails white or neon.

I had a look around Patricia Field’s online shop &, other than having a huge crush on her, I discovered she sells a whole lot of things which will supplement your look. For example:

Sequinned visor, $22, in a huge range of colours.

Mighty Fine retro Bambi t-shirt, $36. I looooove this.

High waist sequin shorts, $74. (Okay, not strictly nu rave, but totally hot nonetheless.)

Neon splatter sunglasses, $16, & again, a huge range of colours.

Tripp zebra tunic minidress, $48. (Not strictly nu rave either, but you could rock it.)

Timmy Woods lip purse, $250 & worth every CENT goddamnit. It’s SO Amanda Lepore.

Psychedelic Daisy t-shirt, $36. Very easy to wear.

Bling sequin “fanny pack” (bum bag), $24, every colour under the sunnnnn.

For the brave (& those well-acquainted with an eyeshadow brush), my friend Sophie (right) rocks this neon rainbow makeup like it was designed for her. I think she looks AMAZING. Might be something to try!

Finally, something from the Urban Dictionary...

“Nu Rave is when rich young children ‘rave’ in a licensed venue, listening to average indie pop bands who call themselves Nu Rave to get the rich young kids to buy their records and make them and their record companies/the venues money.

“Hey Ollie are you coming to Koko Nu Rave night tonight, it’ll be jolly good fun. We can buy GLOWSTICKS and wear colourful trousers and act all kerayzeeeeeee, then we can come back to mine and get Jeeves to russle us up a couple of VODKA AND TONICS!..... man”“

Wink wink, nudge nudge! Have fun!

Extra For Experts:
Poprave Blog is an awesome blog designed for followers of nu rave culture, with recommendations for clothing, shoes, vinyl toys & all manner of ridiculousness.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Maintaining Your Individuality In A Relationship

[ 9 August 2007, 14:11 ]

“I need some advice on a subject that I think a lot of other girls would love your opinion on as well. I’ve been living with my boyfriend for about a year (!) and have started to question whether spending so much time together is holding me back/stifling my creativity/making me a boring old maid. Although you live with your boyfriend, you still always manage to uphold a strong sense of identity, pride, and drive in yourself which is something that is important for all people, committed or not. So my question is: how do you manage to stay driven to be the individual you are while still maintaining an intimate relationship(s)?”

I think it’s not just about sustaining creativity, but primarily about maintaining your individual persona & life. I suspect that if you can do the latter, the former will come relatively easily.

I think it is very easy, when living with someone else, to lose your sense of self. I’m not exactly sure why this is. Maybe it has to do with a fear that if you’re too independent, they won’t love you as much. Maybe it’s due to a lack of self-esteem & confusion about who you really are. Maybe it just seems easier to be who your lover wants you to be than to have to face your own questions & unstable image. Regardless, it seems to happen to a lot of people. Couples start living together, or get married, & suddenly they are a unit — “We don’t like white furniture, we don’t like going out, we prefer our secret life together”. Codependence is something everyone should read up on.

While hibernating with your lover in winter can be marvellous (I feel like I should be wearing a button which says, “Ask me about the winter my boyfriend & I spent in bed watching every episode of SATC!”), there comes a point where being too reclusive is damaging. Your friends disappear, your social skills disintegrate & it’s actually scary how easy it is to become slightly afraid of the outside world. & so, we must make the effort to leave the house, to do things — alone. If your boyfriend goes out with “the boys”, do something for yourself. Go to the library, take a yoga class, see something trashy at the movies with your best friend & laugh yourselves stupid. Organise outings for yourself — go & see a fashion show or take a creative writing course — something which makes you happy.

I suspect that living together flicks a switch in some people’s brains, like, “Phew, now I don’t have to organise my own life anymore, I can just clip mine to the side of my girlfriend’s!”. It really shouldn’t be like that. Of course, living with someone you adore can be amazing, but really the only way to maintain any sanity (or your own personality) is to live seperate lives under the one roof. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s actually GOOD for you not to spend every waking hour together.

I live with my boyfriend, yes. But we don’t live in one another’s pockets. We both work from home but we have seperate offices, & so most of the day we’re busy. We’ll go out & have lunch or go for a walk, & of course the other person is there to talk to if ever we need it. But we both have things to do! So the time we spend together is great, rather than just sitting next to someone on a couch watching television every night. Do you know what I mean? We have news to tell the other person, we’ve had enough distance that we actually WANT to talk to one another, rather than doing all of these things out of obligation.

My suggestion is to work on your self-esteem constantly, unrelentingly. Realise the value of your own life. When you come to a point where you feel that your creative output is really important, your life will start to change accordingly. It might be that you have to clear yourself a space amongst all the gaming consoles where you can do some work (whether that is writing, painting or making music). It might be that you pay your friend for use of her spare room so you can go there & be creative without interruption. Or you might feel that you really do need to live by yourself in order to get anything done.

Ultimately, you are only responsible for your own happiness. If you don’t make yourself happy, who will? Think about that, & take charge! You won’t regret it — being in control of your own life is one of the greatest things in the world.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Find A Boyfriend

[ 6 August 2007, 13:42 ]

“Well, my problem is that I’m still very young. I’m only fifteen, but there is only one thing on my mind — getting a boyfriend. It seems silly when I write it out, but everybody around me has so much experience in the boy department but I feel left out. I’ve never had a “real” boyfriend, only one or two little flings in middle school. I really just want somebody with whom I can share good times, and I’m just seeking some male attention. I don’t know what seems to be wrong me with me, but I can never get a guy! Do you have any suggestions?”

I wish I could tell you that liberal applications of a certain brand of lip gloss would instantly net you a man, but that’s just not how it works! The best thing I can say to you — which is so boring because you’ve probably heard it a million times — is “be yourself”.

I know how it is, though. I went to a private girls’ school, so my interactions with men were incredibly limited. When I was about 13, some of my friends knew a bunch of boys & we would all hang out & smoke cigarettes & listen to Smashing Pumpkins & Weezer & think we were awesome. I had a crush on one of the boys but it never turned into anything, & then that group of girls decided I wasn’t “cool” enough so they ditched me. You know how it goes!

A couple of years later, I had an entirely new social circle — one which had nothing to do with school at all. All my friends were at university or working, & there was this cafe called The Treehouse where I would spend almost all my time. It was really good for me to spend time with people like that — all of my friends were a bit “weird”, but very intelligent & good people in general. My first boyfriend was from that group of people. We started going out when I was 15. He was 20. It seemed a bit scandalous at the time but we were together for a year & a half, & I am so glad that he was my first boyfriend, rather than some little bastard my age who had no clue!

I guess what I’m saying is, don’t have any expectations. Your first boyfriend might be much older than you, or he might be your neighbour. I think that living your life, being open to people & pursuing happiness are all very conducive to finding a boyfriend. It’s always the way — just when you’re really happy & don’t feel the need for anyone, boom! Someone will come along.

Another piece of advice I would give is that you should think of boys as friends, rather than as potential love interests. They’re just people, like you & I! I have always been friends first with the people I end up getting involved with, & it is really the best way to suss someone out. You’ll know how they treat other people, how nice they are to their parents, whether they’re spoilt or sullen or prone to anger. That way, you’ll have a much better idea of whether there is any romantic potential!

Being fifteen is pretty difficult. Your parents are always on your case, you have a lot of incredibly boring schoolwork, peer pressure is at an all-time high & your body is constantly mutating, the likes of which you’ve never seen before! It’s a wonder we survive at all! I think the best thing I can tell ANY teenager is that it is ALWAYS best to be yourself. Changing to fit in to someone else’s idea of what is “cool” isn’t what is best for you. (Not to mention, why is someone else’s idea of what is “cool” more important than your own?) I was pretty much a total weirdo in school, & I think it served me well. It also guarantees that people like you for being you, rather than because you’re “cool” or whatever.

Stay sweet, & good luck!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Carpe Diem!

[ 2 August 2007, 13:26 ]

“I’ve been dating a great guy for almost a year now. I adore him and we get along famously. I find that I’m getting too attached to my beau: relying on him to do things on the weekend, during my times off, pretty much relying on him whenever I’m out of the office. You see, I’ve lived in the Middle East for 6 years and got back in my native land of Canada 4 years ago. Once I got here, I hung out (once again) with the wrong crowd, got myself in old disgusting habits and finally got myself back on track by studying something I was passionate about (graphic design!) By doing so, I’ve cut down on social activities and for the past 2 years, I can’t say I’ve done much to show for myself. All the friends I’ve had since (to name a few) have either left the country or I’ve cut them out of my life (mainly all for the same reason that they like whining and never taking advice when they ask… which I absolutely hate. Plus just hearing them talk made me extremely miserable) So I’ve been marinating in my own solitude and was very depressed up until I finally got a job and met my boyfriend. He’s great, I enjoy the times I spend with him and I enjoy the company of his friends but I’m afraid I’m relying too much on him. I do not want to be the girl who needs a man to make her complete. I don’t have a great network of friends (I do but they’ve just scattered around the globe!) and I have no idea how to keep myself occupied. I work in an office and sit in front of a computer for 40 hours a week only to come home after work and pretty much do the same thing. I’ve been trying to design my own website to expose my portfolio but I’m not motivated enough or have too many ideas to settle with. I’d love to go out with friends, be adventurous once again, but as of now if my boyfriend isn’t available I go out every so often with my brother, trying to catch comedy shows, going to the museum, etc. All in all, my question is “How can I keep myself occupied nowadays and make friends?” Work would sound like the perfect place to meet people but unfortunately, I’m surrounded by family men & women and there’s hardly anyone who would practice what I do of my lifestyle. I want to live life to the fullest, it’s my recent motto in life “Carpe Diem”... I really want to do something about it :)”

Your life can be anything you want it to be, you just have to point it in the right direction! Here’s what I would do in your situation.

I am a Virgo, & I love to make lists, so I suggest that you make a big, long list of things that you like, or things that you enjoy doing. Start writing it on a piece of paper & then carry it with you for the next week or so. Write down everything you can think of, no matter how stupid it is. Then, when you can’t possibly think of anything else, look it over & let your brain tick over the possible ways in which you could bring these things into your life in the present.

For example, if you like looking at the stars, you could make an effort to do that every night — or you could take an astronomy course, or visit your local observatory & learn more that way. If you like clothes & dressing up, you could start a blog or a zine, try designing your own clothes, or even approach local magazines & ask if you can get some experience as a stylist’s assistant.

Doing this kind of thing kills two birds with one stone — it will give you things to do as well as introducing you to a whole host of new people who probably are into the same things as you. Do your best to be open & friendly & it will be easy! (If you want more tips on making friends, see my article Popularity.)

Other than that, I think the reason you’re having trouble with putting a website together for your portfolio is that you don’t have a clear goal in mind. That makes it hard to do anything! Work out what you want to do, break it down into small, manageable chunks, go forth & conquer!

Good luck!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Summer Fun In Your Backyard

[ 27 July 2007, 16:51 ]

“Hello, I have a little backyard that I’m just dying to make into the perfect place for picnics and parties during the summer, but I’m not quite sure what I want it to look like! I’m looking for small backyard inspiration, any suggestions would be wonderful! Furniture, lights, decor, etc etc.”

I really think the key to having an inviting backyard is a few well-picked items.

You definitely need somewhere for people to sit. I like those crazy old picnic tables with attached seats — they’re a bit more rustic & authentic-looking than a plastic table & slew of chairs. Who knows though, maybe you’d prefer a whole lot of little fake toadstools for people to sit on! Check Ebay (use the specific location tool to find something close to you) & flea markets for outdoor furniture. If you can get your hands on some long 70’s pool chairs, that could be amazing. Most of those come with a squab to lay on — if you’re going to go the whole hog, I suggest having them recovered in a fabric you adore which is fairly hardy. (It needs to be able to handle rain, sunscreen, sweaty bodies, cigarettes & wobbling glasses of alcohol.)

In my experience, most outdoor parties start innocently enough in the afternoon, but end up spilling over into the night-time & early morning fairly easily. When the sun goes down, you need candles! If you bought one of those big wooden picnic tables, put a few candles in the middle (or on one end) & let them drip their wax. I looove the way this looks. Put candles all over the place — little tea-lights or votives in jars around the garden looks gorgeous. The flame reflects against the glass, it’s beautiful, & the jar prevents them from falling over or being blown out by the wind. You might want to invest in some citronella candles to keep bugs away, too. Sometimes they sell huge ones on sticks which you can just push into the ground. Have these near the table, since that’s where most of the people will be.

For extra illumination, fairy lights or lanterns are totally the way to go. Clear white fairy lights strung between braches are among my favourite things in the world, but I found a lot of other amazing lights when I looked around. There are lights encased in little pink silk flowers, pink lanterns, round white lanterns, butterfly fairy lights & silk Chinese party lights. I’m also mad about Moroccan lanterns, which should be hung from trees! I would love to have ALL of these, but it might be overkill!

Buy tea glasses (I like these in red & blue) & a beautiful teapot. Fill it with some kind of punch concoction & have everyone drink it out of the tea glasses. (Always going by “intended use” is such a bore.) Get a magnificent parasol & use it to cast some shade over the table. Blow up big, metallic balloons (or clear ones) & tie them onto tree branches, make a little fort or treehouse, buy a paddling pool. Rent a bubble machine! Tell all your friends to come over — & invite me!

Extra for experts:
Outdoor decorating photos & more
Once Upon A Garden by iVillage
Dream Spaces by iVillage

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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My Eye Makeup Makes Me Look Like A Clown!

[ 25 July 2007, 13:16 ]

“Recently, some of my relatives gave me an AMAZING make-up kit. It has great color selections, especially in the eye make-up department. At the young age of 13, I want to keep my make-up relatively subdued, but whenever I put on anything other than a sheer beige color, I can’t help but feel like a clown! You often wear bright, crazy eye make-up, and I was hoping that you had some tips for wearing them with confidence.”

My best advice to you is to experiment, experiment, experiment! Take digital photos of the different looks, put them on Flickr or Livejournal & get people to tell you what they like best. I used to go out looking horrific, but it took me years until I realised!

The other option is to attend a short makeup course (which is a fabulous use of time & money, since you’ll know how to do your makeup properly forever) or to get a makeover at a cosmetics counter. I suggest booking a time & asking a lot of questions!

The internet is a great way to see what other people are doing with their makeup. Have a look at the MAC group on Flickr for inspiration. Look at the latest MAC looks & boggle at the work of Pat McGrath.

The thing with eye makeup is that everyone’s eyes are a different shape, so what works for me may not work for you, & vice versa. I know most women put eyeliner on the inside of their eye, but if I do that, I look like a squinty-eyed freak! I also recently discovered that putting dark makeup along the bottom half of my eye makes me look old & kind of like I’m dying. Not good, argh! When I wear bright colours (like green or blue or purple or red), I really only do a line of it behind my top lashes & leave it at that — if I put the colour over my entire eyelid, it just swamps my eye & it’s too much. If I’m using a neutral colour, like a soft pink or gold, I can put it over my eyelid & it looks great. So, again, it’s all a case of experimentation.

Good luck!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Don't Know What To Do With My Life!

[ 17 July 2007, 10:22 ]

I recently received an email from a very sweet girl, asking me for my advice on choosing a career, & working out what you want to do with your life. She said,

“I just ended my four-month contract with a company that paid well and had good prospects just because it really bored me to death and now I feel like I should’ve tried harder to make things work.”

Dear Brave Girl,

First of all, congratulations on doing what is best for you! Quitting a job which makes you feel like you’re decomposing is an INCREDIBLY liberating feeling.

Secondly, please, my darling, don’t feel bad about leaving your soul-sucking, spirit-crushing boredom festival. I mean, uh, job with good prospects! Do you know why you shouldn’t feel bad about leaving it? A boring job is not like a boring pair of jeans — with boring jeans, you can throw on a red sequinned bolero, tease your hair to the heavens & wear a pair of shoes so magnificent that your jeans will suddenly seem invisible. But a boring job is not as versatile. Those bastards have you chained to a desk, eight hours a day. It’s such a huge chunk of your life gone, & if your boss suddenly turns into a monster (among other possible worst case scenarios), it can really cast an ugly pallor on everything else.

Simply put, it is impossible to be happy when your job makes you want to throw yourself out the window.

Oh baby, I’ve been there! I know how bad it can get. Four & a half years was my limit. “No more!”, I said. After travelling for a few months with my boyfriend, I realised that the last thing I wanted to do was go back to an office, or work in a shop. The boring corporate brigade versus standing on my feet selling rubbish… hmmm, difficult toss-up!

So, how did I know what I wanted to do? Well, I didn’t really. For a couple of years prior, I had this idea that I wanted to start a magazine. I’d taken a publishing course, picked out a name, registered domains & everything. But the closer I looked at the industry, the less I liked it. For one, magazines are totally wasteful — I don’t think I could bear the guilt of killing so many trees. Secondly, you have to kiss advertiser butt — not my style. Thirdly, magazines are just a terrible concept! You can never find anything in a stack of magazines, the indexing is awful, & once August is over (for example), no one’s going to buy it. The expense in starting up a magazine (on any decent scale) is HUGE & it just started to look more & more unstable. I didn’t really know what to do.

My boyfriend recommended I read the website of this guy called Steve Pavlina. I think the first article I read by him was 10 Reasons You Should Never Get A Job. (Read it! Please!) I couldn’t believe what I read. It made me so angry, as I realised everything he said was true. Then I started to work through his other stuff — my second read was The Courage To Live Consciously. Then I listened to his podcasts while I exercised at the gym upstairs & surveyed the city below me. How To Make Money Without A Job, Kick-Start Your Own Business & Embracing Your Passion are all great bits of audio.

I started to make a list of possible things I could do to earn money. I have always known, instinctively, that writing is what I should be doing. I’ve been writing stories, poems, journals & anything else I could think of since a very young age. I think, though, that someone had convinced me that writers don’t make any money, so I had decided that I wasn’t going to do that. Pfffttttt! I should have listened to my mother, who always told me, “do what you love & the money will follow”. The idea of starting my magazine, NOW, online, on a smaller scale, occured to me. I started turning it over in my head, thinking about how I could do it. I wrote my first article, Fashion Help For Recovering Goths, & was instantly hooked! My boyfriend & I cobbled a site together… & here we are today.

I wouldn’t do anything else.

So — here are my tips.

Make lists of things you think you would enjoy doing. Show them to your friends & family, get their opinion. There might be something obvious that you forgot to put down. If they make rude comments or act negatively, please don’t listen! They’re just jealous that they’re not as brave as you are… (If that’s not working, try this.)

Focus on what you WANT! What would your dream career be like? (For example, I never thought that taking narcissistic photos of myself, one of my favourite ever things to do, would generate income… & yet!) If you have fears (“I’m not capable of making any money”; “I’m a failure”; “I have no skills”; “I’m a talentless hack”; “no one will ever take me seriously”; “I fear that branching out on my own will prove how lame I really am!”), use EFT to get rid of them.

Start now, if not sooner. If you don’t want to start without a nest-egg, start working towards building up that money. Get a couple of extra jobs if you can. Make that nest-egg your top priority.

Do your research. Check out other people doing something like what you want to do. How professional are they? What do they charge? Make a list of ways in which you are going to be better than them.

Know when to throw in the towel. Everyone has bad days, even in their dream career — for me, sometimes I can’t think of a single thing to write, can’t dress myself & feel like locking myself in a cupboard — but it’s not because I hate my job, it’s because I’m moody. Learn to differentiate between a bad day & actually disliking what you’re doing.

You will make mistakes. Make them quickly! In my experience, the more things you try, the closer you get to doing what you REALLY want.

Be brave. Have faith in yourself. Know that you can do it! ‘Cause you can, baby!

Now that you have read this, I would like you to do yourself a favour. This favour involves getting your hands on a whiteboard pen. Take this pen, go to the mirror or window you look at most often, & write upon it three quotes. (If you like, you can write the quotes on different windows. Wild, isn’t it?!)

Quote #1.
“Is life not a thousand times too short for us to bore ourselves?” — Friedrich Nietzsche

Quote #2.
“Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen.” — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Quote #3.
“People need to be made more aware of the need to work at learning how to live because life is so quick and sometimes it goes away too quickly.” — Andy Warhol

I would say good luck, but you don’t need it, you little genius!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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The Fashionable Jew

[ 15 July 2007, 22:39 ]

“I’ve read a bunch of advice you gave and was wondering if you could apply your great wisdom to my case too. I love fashion and style, and I wish I could muster the courage to wear some really cool attention grabbing outfit… I am in tenth grade and wear a long (floor length) denim skirt with a black T-shirt just about every day. I have to abide by some rather strict religious rules with regard to dress – not just at school, everywhere. (The rules: no pants, nothing tight or revealing, shirts up to the collar bone and past the elbows, absolutely no exposed midriff, skirts past the knee, no visible underwear, nothing transparent or too sexy in general.) I was wondering if you could help me get out of my rut, or if I should just resort to wearing a burka. I would be eternally grateful… I am a [modern] Orthodox Jew (not Ultra-Orthodox) and I live in Israel, where — according to a relative of my mother — fashion is more extreme: either very racy and immodest or very dowdy and frumpy. But if you manage to think of cool outfits that are modest enough for me I’m sure I’ll find equivalents locally.”

This cry for help was a true test of my abilities! I’ve never been to the Middle East & I have very little knowledge of Judaism, so here goes! Most of what I have written is in accordance with Tzniut. Please know that I have tried my hardest & my intention in writing this was not to insult anyone, but instead to give a girl some style hope!

I recognise that Jewish women are not the only people in the world with restrictions placed on their dress by religion, & I hope that any of you in a similar position will be able to use this article as a springboard for your own appearance! Alright, without further ado…

Hello, my sweet! Thank you for writing & I’m sorry it has taken me so long to put this together.

Really, I think the best way to approach this is to work with the things you’ve got, rather than focussing on the limits you have. Thinking about restrictions all the time is very boring & tiring, so let’s accentuate the positive!

Take your hair, for example. You can do, literally, thousands of things with it. Colour it, have it cut, give yourself a mohawk if you can get away with it. Pull it back from your face & pin some big, sparkly brooches into your hair — say three stars (one on either side of your head & one on the top, charmingly askew) or a rose. Even if you’re wearing all black, a bit of glamour in the hair will cause you to dazzle everyone in the room! Tease your hair up into a wild bird’s nest & stick feathers in it. On days when you can’t be bothered with your hair, throw a brightly-coloured silk scarf over your head, or tie it up into a (fashion) turban.

Buy up vintage t-shirts on Ebay. If you buy men’s shirts in the same size that you are (a men’s small if you’re a small in women’s clothing, etc.) — that way they won’t be tight or too clingy. You can buy all sorts of crazy shirts, featuring anything from Mickey Mouse to World’s Biggest Ball Of String. Wear a thin hooded sweatshirt underneath & pull the hood up through the t-shirt’s collar, so it flops back behind you. Alternatively, throw a cardigan over the top, even one with 3/4 sleeves should do. Short little cardigans that end at the waist are super-adorable, while a cardigan which ends at the hip is really wearable, & a long cardigan is great for hiding in or bundling up on cold days. You can always push the sleeves up a little bit if you want to show your wrists, or if you have bracelet mania like me!

Try piling your wrists with bangles in any colour scheme you like. I’m nutty about clear lucite bangles at the moment, but you can buy AMAZING vintage bangles on Ebay. I especially like stumbling across people selling collections of red bakelite bracelets, they’re beautiful. (Just look on Ebay for bakelite bangle or bracelet.) Wear them all the way almost up to your elbow & remember that if you have skinny arms you should wear big bangles, while you should wear fine ones if your arm is bigger.

Try a knee-length skirt with striped stockings & mary janes, or a floor-length skirt with combat boots. Mary-Kate Olsen (above) has been rocking an ankle-length black silk skirt & gladiator sandles recently & it looks gorgeous. You could also try doing a femme Karl Lagerfeld kind of look, which would be ultra-cute. Wear a starched white shirt, fingerless leather gloves, a long black skirt, a belt & sunglasses.

Accessories are really going to be the best way to differentiate yourself from everyone else, so start buying them up! Go for unusual things. Often you can buy entire estate lots of jewellery on Ebay. You’ll end up with a LOT of very interesting pieces, & the stuff you don’t like you can give away or resell. I love choker necklaces, big dangly earrings & weird clip-ons, bracelets galore & antique rings.

There are so many small things you can do to spice up a plain outfit. Brooches are brilliant for this. Have a friend buy you some in another country, borrow them from your favourite relatives or source them from strange little second-hand shops. They tell fabulous stories. Try changing the buttons on your cardigan, jacket or shirt — you could go for big, brassy, military-type buttons or cute novelty ones. I once saw purple rollerskate buttons, they were incredibly cool. Belts are fantastic too — wear one around your waist like a big bow or slung around your hips. I love pyramid-studded belts worn over floor-length skirts, I think the contrast looks gorgeous.

Buy huge sunglasses which make you look as if you’re on the run from the paparazzi! They add instant glamour to any outfit.

Make-up is every woman’s best weapon. Learn how to use it! You can go for the natural look or impersonate Elvira as it suits you. Play around with it, create a signature look which makes you feel magnificent.

Finally, you can always take a hint from the 80’s. When women first started entering the corporate “man’s” world, they thought that in order to compete they had to almost disguise themselves as men. The “power suit” was a big, boxy look, further emphasised by shoulder-pads. Thankfully, today, most women realise that they have just as much power by allowing themselves to be women, but at the time, a lot of women wore beautiful lingerie underneath their big man suits to help them retain feelings of femininity. No one has to know, it can be your little secret!

Good luck!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Dealing With Online Nastiness

[ 9 July 2007, 11:00 ]

“I remember when someone wrote a nasty comment about you, and you handled it so well! Could you dish out some advice on how to handle online nastiness… like outright rudeness, public bitching and people who seem to have nothing better to do with their time than insult you and make you angry? I’ve been dealing with a fair bit of this lately and would LOVE it if you wrote an article about it!”

I don’t like hearing about people being rude to my GIRLS! Give me their names, I’ll go & beat them with a pair of stilettos!

Okay, violence aside, here are some things I have learned recently about other people’s nastiness — online or in “real life”.

It is never about you. I know that sounds like a weird cop-out, but it’s true. Happy people don’t chew other people out — they just don’t have time, they’re busy getting on with their lives. Seriously. It is more likely that you are a convenient scapegoat, or you just got caught in the crossfire (wrong place/wrong time).

Do you think the Dalai Lama makes crank calls & hacks people’s Myspace accounts? I don’t. People who whinge, moan, bitch, gossip & make nasty judgements are dissatisfied with themselves. (I know, because I used to be one of them myself.)

The way you behave towards other people is only EVER a reflection of how you feel about yourself. If you’re a tosser to everyone you work with, well, there’s obviously something going on with you. So remember — if someone attacks you, it’s not your problem, it’s THEIR stuff. Don’t feel like you need to take their nastiness on board, don’t give them that power.

Angry & mean people just want a reaction. They’re dying for it. Think about it, if you’re cruel to someone else & they don’t respond to you, or they act as if you don’t exist, you’ll feel like you’ve wasted your time. All they REALLY want is for you to cry, scream, yell, or make a vitriolic post on Livejournal. Doing this validates their existence — it tells them that they have some control in a world in which they feel powerless. If you don’t respond to them, they’ll get bored & move on to someone who plays the drama card; those people are much more fun to toy with. I know how tempting it can be to get angry, crack a vicious one-liner, or “get someone back”. But just don’t. Don’t dignify their behaviour with a response.

In an ideal world, we would all have unshakeable faith in ourselves, utmost confidence, intact self esteem & a deep feeling of significance. The truth is, most of us don’t, & the meanest people (otherwise known as those who have been doing it longest, or those who have the most personal pain) are sometimes excellent at digging into those parts of us which aren’t secure. It’s like they have a radar — they know you dislike your stomach, so they mention it every time they have a go at you. Usually, the reason we’re hurt by a comment is because it resonates with us, or because we secretly fear that what they’ve said is true.

If somebody’s being a turd & all you really want to do is leave them a Myspace comment about their size of their manhood (or whatever), stop. Take a deep breath. Read their comment to you, out loud, while tapping on your karate chop point. Do some rounds, talking about how their remarks made you feel, & about your self-doubt — how you fear that you really DO have the biggest ears this side of Bombay. Do another couple of rounds, imagining they are in front of you, all the awful things you would like to say to them. Tell them how much you loathe them, how you wish a plague upon their house, etc. etc. Tell yourself that you love & forgive & accept yourself the way you are. Then take a deep breath. Have a glass of water. Sit in the sun & listen to some Rufus Wainwright (this step is optional).

Trust me, it works!

Remember: we don’t give no shit, we don’t take no shit, we’re not in the shit business!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: advice, how to, life
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Vegas, Baby, Vegas!

[ 27 June 2007, 18:35 ]

“Hi Gala,
Ever been to Las Vegas? I have just been told by my work that they’re going to be sending me there for a conference in September (lucky me!). I figure I’ll take a couple of days of annual leave to take a look around and shop (as I’d have to pay for my own accommodation/food for those couple of days and the short notice doesn’t leave much saving time, I won’t be able to make it longer). Any tips on must-dos, best places to shop (particularly those with most bang for your buck) and on good, relatively cheap, places to stay?”

Unfortunately, I have not been to Vegas. However, I am sure that some of the resident iCiNG geniuses have! Does anyone have any advice?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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A Basic Shoe Collection

[ 22 June 2007, 11:49 ]

“I’m currently in the process of trying to expand my shoe collection (on a budget) – but since I can’t afford my every whim (just-graduating-ex-university-student) I’m looking for a a well-rounded shoe collection. Sneakers, heels, flats, boots, sandals, etc… & I was curious to know what you think the ‘basic’ shoes are to have in your closet, before you start fleshing each type out? I know trends change but I mean those timeless basic shoes a girl can fall back on when her partner’s grandma drops by unexpectedly to take them out to dinner… (happened last night, I swear!)”

I guess that really depends on your lifestyle & wardrobe. For years, I subsisted on a few pairs of boots & a couple of pairs of wedges. I would be inclined to say that a good pair of flats are an essential basic, except I loathe them & have decided I just can’t wear them. On the other hand, lots of girls can’t live without their flats, so you know. It’s all up to the individual!

Here are my picks for basic shoes to own: one pair of each.

Sandals
Just because, quite frankly, in summer you’ll die without them. Of course, you can take your pick as to style — some people like a dressy, elegant, evening sandal while others will be perfectly happy with a pair of Haviana flip-flops. I am somewhere in the middle: flip-flops drive me crazy (they’re just not comfortable & I always feel like a slob in them) & I don’t feel like I’m ready for an elegant sandal… but I’ll deal with that next summer!

Boots
For winter, though mine get worn throughout the year. I would recommend going for a classic black or brown boot to at least mid-shin (primarily because if it rains, you’ll want some coverage on your leg). You pick the details — laces, buckles, buttons, high heels, flat soles, platforms, wedges — but I would advise that you go for something simple but good-lookin’. This is your basic shoe collection, right? You can buy fancy fashionable boots some other time. Just buy something that you think you’ll be happy wearing in five years time.

High heels
While you may hardly ever wear them, I think a good pair of black high heels should be mandatory in every woman’s wardrobe. They are the perfect shoe for almost any occasion, & if you don’t have them, you’ll probably find that some outfits just don’t work properly. I recently acquired a gorgeous pair of black heels (more about that later) & have discovered that a lot of my clothing is now MUCH more wearable. Again, you might think heels are an awful torture device, but good ones can actually (gasp!) be comfortable. Buy some of those gel inserts by Scholl’s called “Party Feet“, stick ‘em inside, wear them around the house for days to break them in, & you’re well on your way to owning a pair of perfectly functional shoes. Plus, heels are sexy, but you knew that right? You will be glad you own them, since they’ll take you from a work function to a funeral to a gallery opening with ease.

Sneakers
I’m not convinced that everyone needs sneakers, but they’re certainly a good thing to have. You don’t have to buy ugly ones, no no no. I own two pairs of sneakers. One is a pair of Adidas with blue fun fur & pink velvet detailing (yay!) & the other are a pair of Reebok Ice Creams in blue, pink & yellow. Both pairs are very cute. I don’t wear them often. My Ice Creams are what I wear to the gym & my Adidas are what I used to wear running around Auckland city. However, for some people, ‘sneakers’ will mean Converse or Vans. Think of it as a good, comfortable shoe for days when you don’t feel like dressing up.

So essentially, one pair from each of these categories would, I think, be a good starting point. From there, you can build it up. What do you wear most? If it’s the boots, maybe you can buy a couple more pairs in different styles (or, if you’re silly like me, buy the same pair again except with a big platform affixed to the bottom). If you wear the heels most often, buy some in different colours. You get the idea.

My primary recommendation with shoes, & heels especially, is to spend as much as you possibly can. You only have one pair of feet baby, & if you cram your feet into bad shoes for years, eventually you won’t be able to wear anything but ugly orthopedic flats… & nobody wants that. So take your time when you buy shoes. If you’re not sure whether they fit or not, ask to take them home on appro. Then walk around your house all night to see whether they’re going to kill you or not. A bad pair of heels will really make you miserable, & it’s hard to be happy when your feet hurt — just ask anyone in retail!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Non-Monotonous Summer Dressing

[ 15 June 2007, 11:24 ]

“This is inspired by your post on winter dressing… and your post on T-shirts seems to have anticipated my question, so hopefully you will feel up to tackling my problem, or at least giving me a few links in the right direction. Unlike you lucky people who are moving into winter (my favorite season – seriously!) I am living in Tokyo and things are getting hot and humid very fast. Apart from simply wearing less, do you have any suggestions for dressing for summer? Somehow I am hoping that I can layer things, even though it will probably just make me unbearably hot. I just feel that having a top – say a t-shirt – and a bottom – say a pair of cotton trousers – gets monotonous. Advice? Yoroshiku ne!”

Hello mademoiselle!

Layers are a nice idea but usually pretty impractical in summer, except for in the evenings (if it somehow, miraculously, cools down). As much as I wanted desperately to sling something on over the top of my outfits this summer, it was just too goddamn hot.

Melbourne really heats up in summer, & I was unaccustomed to weather which makes your elbows sweat (seriously!), so this summer was a bit of learning experience for me too. I practically lived in my oversized white bedshirt with shorts, cowboy boots & a headscarf. If not that, then one of these two silk dresses by Kate Sylvester, or vintage slips. Really, anything lightweight is your best friend — big t-shirts, loose dresses, wide-cut pants. Try looking on Ebay for vintage babydoll nighties in bright colours, cool vintage t-shirts & long, sleek skirts.

I think the real key to looking good when you’re not wearing much is to accessorise like mad. Since you don’t have a lot to work with (say a dress versus a shirt, pants & sweater), everything you pick to go with it needs to be a perfect match. It has to add something to the outfit, rather than just chucking it on because “it goes” or you don’t know what else to do.

Take a scarf, for example. (Silk or cotton, not wool!) You can wear it on your head (in about a million ways), around your neck, tied around your upper arm (this works best for gym bunnies), around the handle of your handbag, or around your waist as a makeshift belt. That is just one item which can be worn a multitude of ways. Admittedly, a square of fabric is very versatile, but if you endeavour to think this way about all of your accessories, you’ll really stand out.

Hair accessories are always good (& sometimes you can adapt them slightly & clip them onto your clothes like a brooch), as are lightweight stockings (if you can bear it), fun shawls & crazy shoes. Buy a summer bag in a colour you wear often (or combination of colours), dye your hair blue, stock up on eye-catching jewellery. I know that parasols are big in Japan during summer, why not buy one & dye it yourself?

Of course, you need to play with colour too. White is a fabulous colour for summer since it reflects light (as opposed to black which attracts it). White is beautiful & classic & suits almost everybody. Say you were wearing a plain white cotton sundress. Try playing up the purity of the colour with a huge hot pink flower in your hair, hot pink shoes & a whole lot of jangly bracelets in the same colour. This will really make your outfit pop, as opposed to just being a girl in a dress.

Good luck to you, my darling!

P.S. I also recommend keeping an eye on Tokyomade for Japanese treats & trends!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Increasing Your Thrifting Luck

[ 2 June 2007, 13:47 ]

“The past few days I’ve been hitting up the vintage shops here in the San Francisco area (the Haight-Ashbury district, Berkeley) and I got to thinking about how I could improve my thrifting luck. I know that some people just have that certain knack for finding the diamonds in the rough in vintage/thrift/resale shops — I’ve had brief brushes with it, but I was wondering if you had any ideas for how to increase the odds of finding something amazing, besides just taking along someone with Thrift Luck and hoping it rubs off.”

Dear clever, iCiNG-dipped cuties,

I am a terrible thrift-shopper & I have no hints or tips to share on this subject! However, I know that a lot of you specialise in this area. Help a sister out & tell us your best secrets!

Thanks x 1,000,000!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Gala's Kissing Boot-Camp

[ 1 June 2007, 11:47 ]

“Now, I was wondering, if, in the near future (or whenever future) you could help out some girls in the kissing department. I’m extremely inexperienced at kissing (going to a Catholic Girls Prep does that to you). Also, I’ve been plagued by recent nightmares of being told by my guy that I kiss like a fish. Please, help me Gala with your wisdom!”

Anyone who says something like that to you isn’t worth your time, honeypie! Give him the boot & then use my tips on your next boyfriend! ;D

The best thing about kissing is that it’s a lot of fun, & you will get better with practice. First of all, you need Kissable Lips — click that for information on scrubs, lip balms, glosses & lipsticks, as well as product recommendations & tricks! Anyway, it is my firm belief that the best kisses are a combination of things: soft lips, small amounts of tongue, good reactions & very little saliva!

Lips
For me, it is mostly about the lips. Some people have hard little mouths, you know, from years of anger or grimacing, & it’s totally unappealing. If you can learn to relax your mouth, you will go far. If this is difficult for you, just imagine that a bee has stung the hell out of your mouth & let it slacken that way.

Tongue
It drives me crazy (& not in a good way!) when someone comes in to kiss you with their tongue straight away. I think you have to work up to that, unless it’s already an insanely passionate moment. Too much tongue is a major moodkiller for me. Also, keep your tongue supple & soft. It’s tricky, because there is a fine line between having a stiff, pointy tongue (ew! It’s like a medical examination!) & having one that lies flat in the other person’s mouth, like a omelette that failed. Ewwwwww. Keep it soft & pliable.

Reactions
It is hard to explain exactly how to kiss someone, since because it’s an activity that requires a partner, what you do will depend on what the other person is doing. Basically, you want to respond in a way that coordinates with what they’re doing. This doesn’t mean do the same thing, or even the opposite, but just try to work with them as much as possible. If, say, they’re nibbling your bottom lip, don’t try & chew on their bottom lip at the same time, it won’t work! Maybe try licking their upper lip while they do this, for example.

Saliva
How much is too much? If you have to ask, you’re probably using too much. No one wants to feel like they’re on Splash Mountain when they’re kissing you! On the flipside, a dry mouth is very unappealing. Wetting your lips quickly with your tongue is best to start with.

Places & positions
I’m quite small so I like to crawl into people’s laps & sit opposite them. This way they are TRAPPED & can’t escape until my lips are satisfied! I am sneaky like that. My first kiss was in a very weird position, I was lying on my back with my head in my boyfriend’s lap & he leaned over & kissed me, so we were kind of… upside down. It was strange! I like to pass the time by kissing in elevators. I also think it’s pretty great to kiss in a weird place, like on a fire escape, in a playground, in the back seat of a car or up a tree, but everyone is different!

“When I kiss ya, ya stay kissed!”

Men
You will do best, in my opinion, if you think like a woman while kissing — soft, delicate & sexy. You can prove your manliness all over the place but not when you’re kissing someone! Additionally, if you think you might be getting some action, please shave your face! Stubble hurts, you know.

Additional tips:
Mouths aren’t the only places you can kiss someone. Try kissing their earlobes (but hold back on the heavy breathing!), their neck or shoulders. (I like rubbing noses sometimes, it’s very intimate & a good precursor to kissing.)
Try (gently) licking the corners of your lover’s mouth. Super-hot.
Kissing is a sloooow activity. It is not a race or a chore! Take your time, enjoy it, be gentle with one another.
You’re in control! If you start to feel uncomfortable or you want to stop, just do it. You are under no obligation to go any further than you already have.
Remember to breathe. Fainting is kind of sexy in the movies, but in real life, not so much.
Move your arms! You can stroke their hair, the sides of their face, their back, their arms or even their booty! Moving your arms will show that you’re really interested & into it. If you don’t move them, the kiss will be more awkward.
Try not to bump teeth. If it happens, just forget about it & move on. The more kissing you do, the more aware of your mouth you will become & soon that problem will be one of the past.
Close your eyes. Or don’t. It is all personal preference… I get freaked out if someone is looking at me while I’m kissing them, but that’s just me.
Move your tongue gently, stroke it against theirs & run it along their lips. Try not to swirl it like a washing machine, or jab it in & out.
Be proactive! Be involved & interested & an active participant.

Questions & Answers
Q: I have a big nose. I don’t want to stab my girlfriend in the eye by mistake. Whatever shall I do?
A: Tilt your head! She will probably tilt hers too, in the opposite direction, & it will all work out brilliantly.

Q: I have a really short tongue & I don’t think it will reach into someone else’s mouth!
A: Hey, me too! What a coincidence. It’s not the end of the world. You might just have to work it a little differently to other people. Practice, baby!

Q: What are the rules on eating garlic/onions/curry/haggis before a smoochfest?
A: Generally avoid it, unless your beloved has partaken of the smelly foods too. Two people with garlic-breath probably won’t even notice it in the other person. (Plus, it’s good protection against vampires.)

Extra For Experts:
“How To Kiss Someone Passionately”
Girls kissing
Emo boys kissing (It’s a fan video or something, so weird)
This looks like an alien life-form but I guess it’s informative, kind of?!
How To Kiss A Woman with lots of fear-inducing anecdotes!
Insanely cute sex writer Violet Blue has this to say on more intimate types of kissing… NSFW!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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"Business Casual"

[ 31 May 2007, 15:39 ]

“I’m sure you’re quite shuddering at the thought of business casual… I, however, am about to graduate and start up year-long fellowship with a non-profit that’s basically a 9-to-5 office job. What would you advise for someone with a limited budget who needs to look professional but still wants to change around her style and look somewhat interesting? As of now, I tend to go with brightly colored basics, graphic t-shirts, and very few accessories… I’d love to hear anything you have to say, thanks so much.”

You’re so right! Business casual… bleccch!

Grotesque facial expressions aside, I am not the best person to ask about this sort of thing. I am often vastly inappropriate. I have always been on the fringes of my work’s dress code, partly due to boredom & partly due to a general feeling of awkwardness about rules & regulations. When I worked at Lush Cosmetics, for example, the rule was “black & white only” which soon bored me, & I started working in touches of hot pink, turquoise & blue before coming to work looking like a rainbow (& in blatant violation of the dress code).

I have been extremely lucky however, in that I have had a lot of so-called “corporate” jobs where the dress code just wasn’t that strict. (I did fair chunks of time at ISPs & telecommunications companies, where they tend to be a bit more relaxed about these kinds of things. I think it’s the large geek contingent that does it, quite frankly.) Here are some outfits I wore to my job at Telecom: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 & 8. For the most part, the people around me liked seeing what I came to work in, it was often a topic of discussion & provided some much-needed distraction from returning boring phonecalls or whatever else was on the agenda. However, on the flip-side, I’m pretty sure that my wearing combat boots to work was part of the reason one of my other temping contracts “ended early”... so proceed with caution!

Perhaps the best way to approach work in a “business casual” environment is to imagine yourself as a different character. Some kind of femme fatale, perhaps, who wears spike heels & a pencil skirt & a tailored white shirt. It might not be your style, but it will look good — which is pretty much the mantra I assigned to office jobs while I was in them. I often found that I had to pretend to be someone else just to get through the day: someone who cared about invoices & spreadsheets, rather than ME, the weird girl who needs music to work effectively (a disco at your desk is great at about 3pm) & likes her hair as big as possible.

If you don’t want to fake it — & I don’t blame you — dress like yourself, but imagine your mother is there while you’re choosing your outfit. Run her voice through your head. “Those shoes are completely impractical!” “I think that skirt is a bit short.” “Oh, you just CANNOT wear that.” (If your mother is awesome, like mine, pretend one of the women on Coronation Street is your ma instead.)

As long as you’re not in a super-strict office environment, where everyone wears suits (zzzzzzz), you can probably get away with a reasonably plain top, a cardigan & a pair of nice pants or a skirt.

Women can chuck a conservative-looking sweater over the top of a dress to make it a little less extravagant. You’ll never go wrong with a long black skirt & boots, or well-cut trousers. If you’re allowed to wear jeans, go for it — wear nice ones (no rips or frayed cuffs!) with a tailored sweater or shirt. Not so bad. Really, it will be hard for them to complain if what you’re wearing fits properly & is clean. If you want to spice it up, wear weird jewellery or buy an insane bag.

Men have less options. Wear a nice shirt (top button undone & untucked if you want to be more casual), good pants & clean shoes. If you can get away with a t-shirt, great! Wear a well-fitted new one, like something from Threadless.

If you’re really feeling the need to rebel, maybe write “I HATE MY JOB” on your stomach, backward, in marker pen, so you can pull up your shirt in the office bathroom & sneer in the mirror while you read it!

My final suggestion is to make friends with your manager, so that they’ll defend you if anyone balks at your colourful eye-shadow!

Good luck!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Be Genuine With People You Dislike

[ 29 May 2007, 14:56 ]

“I used to have a bunch of friends, who I truly never cared for, yet I guess I didn’t want to be a ‘loner’, so I put up with them. I made the decision after my family was put in a difficult situation that their lifestyles were not for me, and basically stopped contact. They must have felt the same, because I have never heard from them. Now, after I stopped contact, I began to stay home more and more, and I realized the reason I did so was so I would not ever run into them in public. I have slowly become more outgoing again, however I know if I ever see any of those old friend I might be ‘fake’ with them, pretending I am glad to see them, when I know that is what I absolutely dread. Would you happen to have any advice on how to be confident and strong, still holding your ground, yet not being totally rude, or fake when seeing a person you absolutely despise, and also showing how super great your life is without them?”

This is a fine line to walk because while I believe in social niceties, I don’t have any fond place in my heart for blatant lies. That whole “we should meet up for coffee/I’ll call you” thing is totally tedious when it’s based on a foundation of insincerity & obligation. I really wish people would only say it when they mean it!

I think the best way to deal with these kinds of situations is to be polite but brief. If you can get away with it, just smile (nicely) as you walk past, but I realise that sometimes people will stop with the expectation of conversation etc. Say hello, & when they ask what you’ve been up to, say something which isn’t going to incite further conversation. “Just working,” is a good one, since most people don’t want to know about anyone else’s job. Otherwise, “lots of cross-stitch” might do the trick. As tempting as it may be to try to inspire jealously (e.g., “partying every night with Cory Kennedy“), if you do this, you will be forced to stay & keep talking.

If they say, “we should catch up!”, you can either smile & nod or bite the bullet & tell the truth. This may involve saying something like, “I don’t know that that’s necessary” or simply, “let’s not kid ourselves, I would rather eat a razorblade sandwich than continue this façade any longer!” Hee hee. Your mileage may vary!

Finally, it is important to make your escape as quickly as possible. The best way is to have an excuse prepared. This is one time when I feel like it is okay to lie. Say something like, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to excuse me, I’m late to my croquet club/gynecologist/morris dancing lesson” — again, something nobody is going to want to know more about. If this makes you seem a bit naff, even better — naff is hip & if they don’t understand that, then it just gives them further reason to avoid you.

In summary: smile, don’t take the conversational bait, don’t offer exciting tid-bits & make your escape sooner rather than later!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Making Short Hair More Interesting

[ 29 May 2007, 10:52 ]

“I had my hair cut short for the first time a few months ago, and I love it. Not having to worry about bad hair days is marvellous. But I’m getting bored with it looking the same all the time! Since you’ve got short hair, too, I wondered if you’ve got any tips for making it look more interesting?”

I have, indeed, had short hair for years. In fact, it hasn’t been longer than my shoulder since about 2000. Now, some of these things will depend on the length of your hair at present, but here are some different ways to wear a short hairstyle.

Change the colour
This is probably the most drastic way to change your hair. You don’t need to do the whole thing if your work/school prefers you to look conservative or you’re just afraid to commit! You can always do a big streak across the front or put in some extensions. When I was 15 & had a blue-black bob (I was totally channelling Amy Blue in The Doom Generation), I would get extensions put in the front of it, hanging down on either side of my fringe (bangs to you Americans). They were the same length as the rest of my hair but provided a nice frame. The royal blue ones looked the best. Most hairdressers can put extensions in your hair for very little & it’s a quick, easy way to change your look. If you DO want to go blue, purple, bright red or neon yellow, read this first!

Wear hair accessories
They are your greatest ally. I have a drawer full of things to put in my hair: purple butterfly-shaped clips, turquoise feathers, small pink roses, tiaras & hairclips with all manner of things stuck on them, from glittery cupcakes to small ballerinas to Hello Kitty heads. Remember that it is incredibly easy to make your own hair accessories, usually all you need is a hot glue gun, a plain hairclip & stuff to stick onto it. Another option is to go slightly crazy & eke your way over to decora, a Japanese street style which involves wearing hundreds of little plastic toys all over yourself.

Cut yourself a fringe (bangs) or sweep them across
You might want to look at How To Choose A Flattering Haircut before you do this, because some face shapes don’t suit a fringe (bangs). If you sweep them across & they won’t stay, use a hairclip — try a diamante barrette. Sometimes keeping a fringe sitting flat is tough — some people swear by blow-drying it & curling it under with a brush, some use pomade & others use a combination of spit & crossed fingers. If you can pull it off though, a fringe is VERY cute.

Tease or spike it up
The bigger the better, baby! Teasing your hair is easy — grab a big clump, brush it towards the sky & then brush it back down towards your head. Repeatedly. Coat with hairspray (or talcum powder, I like Lush’s Candy Fluff for this purpose) & go out looking wild. Spiking it up is usually achieved with the aid of hair product, like KMS. You can try a little faux-hawk or just create a peak on the highest point of your skull.

Change the parting
Switch it up, from middle to either side or, if you’re handy with a comb, try one of those strange zig-zag partings.

Pin some of it up
My hair’s getting longer so I’m doing this quite a lot at the moment. I tease the hell out of it & then pin some of it behind my head. It somehow gives the appearance that I have far more hair than I do, which is always a good thing. To me, it looks like a weird mix between hobocore & elegance, & overall I’m pretty happy with the effect!

Put it into little pigtails
Self-explanatory, innit?! Use ribbons or lace for super plus plus cute effect.

Shave it!
Shave the side, or a pattern into the side, or shave your hairline back. All of these things have worked for me!

Wear a headscarf
Ahhh, yes. My trusty fallback position. When all else fails, when it is windy or raining, when your hair won’t behave or you have 5cm of regrowth (like me), just tie a scarf over your head. How To Wear A Scarf may be of some assistance, & so might How To Tie A Turban.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Disguising A Chubby Body Part!

[ 21 May 2007, 15:07 ]

“One quick question that might prompt another article for us guys who read you. Have you any tips on disguising or hiding a big tummy? I have more weight than I really need, but it is mostly concentrated on my belly – how can I make sure I look my best (while I try to lose some weight at the same time)?”

I love it when men ask me questions! (Hint, hint!)

Okay, the first thing you need to know is that, really, there is no “disguising” anything. If you have a big belly, you have a big belly, & unfortunately David Copperfield doesn’t manufacture clothing that will make your lumps, bumps or jigglies disappear forever. The good news is that with careful dressing, you can minimise the emphasis on your tummy. People will know it’s there, but it won’t be the most obvious part of your appearance.

So, what are the tricks to minimise a body part?

Wear dark colours
I know that the first article I ever wrote was about moving away from black clothing — but it definitely has its uses! Dark colours make things look smaller. You don’t have to do black if that looks too severe on you; try chocolate brown, navy blue & dark grey. The best way to do this is clothe your “secret” part in black, then wear a splash of colour somewhere else. It’s a great trick. Wear an electric blue scarf, for example.

Avoid weird fabrics
By this I mean shiny, stiff or bulky fabric. All of these things accentuate your size, by clinging to the parts of your body you don’t like & then catching the eye. Also, try to avoid horizontal stripes (they can make teeny people look big).

Learn to layer
The eye is automatically drawn anywhere there is a break in your clothing — say, where your t-shirt meets your trousers. This means that if you have wide hips & your t-shirt ends just there, you are going to look even wider. If you have a big belly, try wearing your shirt untucked. It might sound slovenly, but see how it looks. Often it will help in creating a sleeker look.

Work on your posture
Cheesy, but true. If you stand up tall, you will look better.

Good luck to you sir, & congratulations on your weight-loss effort!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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41 Years Old & An XXXL -- What Should I Wear?

[ 19 May 2007, 23:36 ]

“My biggest problem is that I’m at a “difficult age”. Big girls clothes either come destined for 18-30 year olds: low cut, crushed satin, pseudo-skank-on-the-loose stuff.. I don’t need to show cleavage: you can TELL I have one!!! Or the 55-65 year olds: prissy blouses, high-cut trousers, loose butts, sequinned tops with floaty organza over-shrug thingies, cardies of the ancient kind. If 40 is the new 30, and I’m a 41 yo 3XL girl, what should I be wearing?”

You should be wearing whatever makes you happy.

Maybe that sounds like a cop-out answer. But as easy as it would be for me to give you a clothing prescription, it doesn’t work like that. (Thank god.) You have your own style, even if you think you don’t, & just because you are “bigger” than the women at Vogue would like, that doesn’t mean you are destined to wear enormous t-shirts, muu-muu’s, all black, floaty somethings, dramatic jewellery or a sandwich board.

You are not just a big blob, in the same way that a thin girl is not all bones. Focus on the parts of yourself you like. God is in the details. Do you have great hair, fine wrists, strong sexy legs, perky breasts, a great smile? You need to play these things up & look after them too. If that means getting your hair done every week or regular manicures to draw attention to your hands, then just bite the bullet & spend the money. It is absolutely worth it if it makes you feel better about yourself.

Important things for ANYONE to remember when they’re dressing themselves are:
Wear colours which suit you!
Buy clothing which fits — this includes your bra, if you’re a woman. Get a fitting!
Only buy things you feel good in!

When you go shopping, try on anything which appeals to you. If you find something & you love it but it isn’t quite right, you can always have it tailored to fit you. This is the secret of celebrities & well-dressed people the world over. Everyone’s bodies are so different, it is almost impossible to find something which really is a perfect fit. Tailoring is often the only sane option in a world gone mad!

Some countries, like America, are much easier to go shopping in if you’re at the larger end of the spectrum. The good thing is that you can shop online these days, & if something doesn’t fit you or suit you, you can just send it back (or get it tailored). Yes, this is a slow way of accumulating a wardrobe, but until the fashion industry catches up with how real people’s bodies look these days, I think it is the best solution. (If the shipping is extravagant, get some of your friends to order as well, & split the cost.)

If on your big shopping spree of the year you end up with 5 items, don’t despair. It is far, far better to have 5 things you adore than 20 things which kind of work but not really. (Just be sure to consider how the rest of your clothing is going to go with your new acquisitions.) It is obvious when you feel good in your clothing — you’ll stand tall, move with confidence & look hot! Size has nothing to do with it. I’d pick a confident, well-dressed “big” girl over an insecure skinny girl in trackpants any day.

Life is too short to feel like you can’t do x because of y — whether that’s “too fat to look nice”, “too stupid to go to college” or “too pathetic to be a success”. Please be good to yourself & make the most of what you’ve got!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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What To Do With Candles In Glass Jars?

[ 12 May 2007, 02:18 ]

“Women with candles have replaced women with cats as the new sad thing.”
— Samantha Jones

On the blackcigarette community today, someone asked the following…

“I’ll admit, sometimes I’m drawn to buy something just for its pretty packaging, its good looks. Especially with candles, intricate glass etching goes a long way with me, like for example candles by Modern Alchemy. But now I’m faced with a question. What do you do with the pretty glass holders the candles come in, once the candles are spent? Do you throw them away, or save them? Since the design on the glass was half the appeal, it seems like it would be a waste to throw it away. Do you think it would be tacky to save it? I have a mind to clean out the old wax and wick at the bottom and repour a new candle in its place – how would I go about doing that?”

You could certainly clean it out & just put a tealight or votive in its place, but that’s a bit dull & I think we can do better than that, personally. It seems almost offensive to replace say, a Diptyque or Rigaud candle with a tealight which will burn out in 3 hours.

The best thing to do is use the container for storage of some description. I am a great fan of using jars & bottles for holding little collections of things, & I never really throw anything pretty away. It always gets used somehow — whether it’s fresh white lilies in a French absinthe bottle or goldfish in a cookie jar — & you can always use them as the packaging of a gift for a friend.

If you have a little table by the front door, you could use it hold your keys or as a paperweight for any boring mail which comes your way (read: bills). Most of the candle glasses are the perfect size for storing jewellery, whether rings, beads, brooches or hair-clips. Hang earrings off the lip of the jar.

Smokers (naughty!) can empty out a packet of cigarettes into the jar, with the filters pointing upward, for a super-decadent, ’40s kind of feel. If you don’t smoke, or are trying to quit, you could always do this with candy cigarettes!

Use the candle glass to hold collections of anything small that you have a lot of — seed pods, buttons, feathers, fake moustaches, sequins, lip balm, bindis in little metal pots, beads, or pearl-tipped pins. Try making a miniature planter. Fill it with gobstoppers or gummy bears.

Decorate your working environment by using the empty glass to hold your business cards, paperclips, golf pencils, sticks of white chalk, words of wisdom from fortune cookies…

Though I guess in order to do the above, you need the candle holder first! Here then, are some of the most beautifully-presented candles I’ve found. The scent descriptions sound pretty delicious too. Hold me back!

My favourite, Diptyque candles smell incredible & look amazing. I have yet to own one, but I bought my mother a Tilleul-scented one for her birthday! In Sex & The City, Carrie has a Baies Diptyque candle in her bedroom. No, I am not obsessed.

Modern Alchemy candles come in coloured, etched glass jars in scents like Opium Den: “collapse in a languid, hazy cloud of resin, opiates and tobacco fumes” — & Boston Tea Party: “english black tea and cedar tangled in brackish seaweed”.

D.L. & Co. candles come in exquisite little vases — for example, the Foxglove candle comes in a turquoise frosted glass vessel in the shape of, you guessed it, a foxglove flower.

Vie Luxe candles are presented in a nickel-finished glass jar, & scents like Cote D’Azur sound incredible: “Vie Luxe’s Cote D’Azur candle is infused with scents of white lily, water hyacinth and white freesia with pink rose and french verbena”. Drool.

Archipelago Botanicals Monogram Collection has a different scent for every letter of the alphabet, but honestly, they all sound amazing so I doubt you’d be disappointed. The scent for ‘G’ is gardenia & jasmine. Yum. Too bad if your name is Xena or Zara, though — for some reason X & Z didn’t deserve candles of their own!

A Scent Of Scandal candles have great names (Back Seat Of My Car, Gold Digger, Starf*cker, Sugar Daddy) but I’m not overwhelmed by the scent descriptions. Seems kind of gimmicky to me, does anyone have more information?

Tocca candles have a long-standing reputation as one of the best in the world, along with Diptyque. I would love to have a sniff of Kyoto: “Tocca Kyoto candle is a delicate fruity-floral apricot-like aroma permeating from the Kinmokusei plant’s tiny gold-orange petals surrounding the ancient Buddhist temples of Japan’s cultural heart.” Doesn’t that sound magnificent? Wow.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: advice, aesthetic, consumption, how to, inspiration, life
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Small Questions

[ 8 May 2007, 23:55 ]

Quite often I receive emails asking me questions about fashion, style & the like, & while everyone would benefit from hearing the answers, they don’t necessarily require a huge response. Here I will endeavour to answer multiple questions at once, so if you feel like asking me something which might fit here, don’t hesitate to email me!

In these first few emails, I tackle thick ankles, long-lasting lipstick & how to make freckles look even. If you have any additional hints or tips, feel free to add them in the comments below!

“Spring’s coming (for the northern hemisphere anyway) and brings forth the question of footwear – flip flops, strappy heels, wedges, whatever. Now I have, erm, sturdy ankles, and was wondering if there were any styles of shoes that can flatter and slenderize the ankle area, or do us gals with the thick ankles just have to suck it up and live with it?”

Really, it’s all about proportion! Anything with a thin, pointy toe is a bad call; in contrast to your ankle it will make you look enormous. An ankle strap will make your leg look slightly strangulated, & a low kitten heel will make you look hefty. Avoid all of those! Your best friends are simple sandals/thongs/jandals/flip-flops (they don’t need to be rubber, elegant ones do exist, just be sure to avoid any with an ankle strap), clogs (they will give you shape) & anything chunky (this will make your ankle look delicate by comparison). You’ll also look good in a wedge mule. Good luck!

“Is it possible to get any red lipstick (bright red lipstick), which I can kiss my boyfriend with, without leaving a huge lipstick mark on his cheek? Last time he got bored because he ended up with red marks all over his face…”

I’m not a fan of those long-lasting lipsticks. In my experience they are VERY drying. My mother always used a lip sealer, which is almost like a varnish you put over your lipstick. It will keep your lipstick on all day, it is quite amazing. I don’t know what brand she uses, but I found Make Up For Ever’s Lip Plus Lipstick Sealer on Sephora which seems like it would certainly do the trick. As for red lipstick, my favourite is MAC Red by MAC Cosmetics, but I know that MAC’s Russian Red is very popular too.

“Can you recommend make-up products and tips for those of us who have freckles? I’m in my 30s and have had freckles since childhood. I don’t want to cover them up or hide them, but I would like to know how to blend them evenly with my foundation, blush, etc. Sometimes it’s hard to get an even tone to one’s skin, when it isn’t even toned to begin with. Again, I don’t want to hide or cover up my freckles, but I still want to look stylish and sophisticated. Any advice?”

Unless you want to get rid of your freckles entirely, without makeup your skintone is always going to look a bit uneven. That’s the bad news. The good news is that freckles are really cute & you can still wear sheer foundation over the top. They’ll still be there but the foundation, applied properly (after cleansing, toning, moisturising & using a primer), will make your face look radiant & healthy.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: advice, beauty, madame
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How To Rock A Wig

[ 2 May 2007, 19:08 ]

“Oh my gosh, will you please write an article on how to wear a wig! I’ve tried cheap ones on at novelty shops before, but they just look like a Halloween costume on me. But your looks just wonderful, like I actually thought you dyed your hair for a minute. It doesn’t have to look completely natural, but I would love to know how you pulled that off without making it look like it was just a silly costume. Also, what did you do with your hair underneath it?”

Dear Anonymous (psshhh! I’m going to call you Greta),

The most important thing when it comes to wigs is that you spend as much money as you can. I know it probably seems like I say this a lot, but really, it’s true. You get what you pay for. Cheap wigs are obvious & it doesn’t matter what you do to it, it’s always going to look wrong somehow. While a more expensive wig is not necessarily superior, they tend to be better as a general rule. My black wig wasn’t very expensive, I paid $65 Australian for it (about $53 American), but it was bought wholesale so I got a good deal on it. It’s not amazing quality but it’s okay, & since I don’t intend on wearing it a whole lot, it will serve its purpose very well. If you’re planning on wearing your wig regularly (like more than once a week), you should spend more.

Definitely take your time when buying any kind of hairpiece. It really needs to suit you, & if you’re not sure, go away & think about it. There’s nothing worse than something expensive that doesn’t get any wear! You should feel comfortable in your wig — it’s like any other item of clothing, if you don’t feel good in it, it will be obvious & it won’t look right. If you’re not sure what kind of hairstyles suit you, I wrote an article on how to choose a flattering haircut which will help!

Having said that, buying a wig doesn’t need to be boring or predictable. Your hair doesn’t have to look “real”, per-say, just good! You have the ability to wear anything you want, so if you’d like to rock a purple bob or long white ringlets, you can! Have fun with your appearance; surprise yourself!

Make sure you take care of your wig! They’re usually sold in plastic bags, but a polystyrene head or something else which is round is optimal for the wig to sit it on. Brush the wig (with a steel comb) before you put it on & then brush it again once it’s on your head.

When I bought my wig, I knew the fringe (bangs) were too long, so when I got home I had my friend trim them. If you’re going to do wig surgery — which is almost always necessary, in my experience — go slowly! If you hack a big chunk out of it, it’s not going to grow back, so be careful! When we started trimming my bangs, we trimmed about half a centimetre at first, then looked at it & talked about it some more before doing anything else. After a bit of adjusting & fiddling, we decided the bangs would look best if they were sitting just above my eyebrow, so we trimmed it back to there. The good thing about this is that if I want my bangs a bit shorter or longer, I can change them by sliding the wig back & forth. If you’re nervous about screwing this up, take your wig to a salon & have a professional attend to it.

I wear a stocking over my hair when I put a wig on, as well as clipping the hair under it. It just keeps all your natural hair in place. Also, sometimes the rubbing of a wig will give you a bald patch, so a stocking is a good way to prevent this. Put the wig on (put your thumbs in the front of it & hook it over your head), shake it out a bit, give it a comb & once it’s in place, grab some bobby pins & pin it to your natural hair. Otherwise it will slide around & it’ll sit too far back on your head, which looks pretty ridiculous. When you’re putting it on, make sure it is pulled down all the way in the back. If the wig feels loose, take it off & adjust the band.

If the wig still looks a bit fake, or you’re not entirely comfortable with it, put a hair or a scarf over the top. Since this covers a large portion of the wig, it’ll seem more realistic, & for some reason when you do this, no one will ever suspect you’re wearing a wig. I went out last night wearing a scarf over my wig & I felt fantastic & confident — kind of like a spy! My new hair gave me the confidence to be a different person, with more wiggle in my walk & coy little smiles.

I know a lot of women with cancer who are undergoing chemotherapy are terrified of having to wear a wig, but I have read a lot of accounts of women who find that it actually gives them a lot of freedom & a wonderful opportunity to expand the horizons of their appearance. In season six of Sex & The City, Samantha develops cancer & finds herself in a wig shop, trying to make herself look like “her” again. She’s very distraught because she’s going to a movie premiere & she can’t find anything which resembles how her hair used to be. However, later in the show, you see her at the premiere wearing a bright pink wig, & it looks magnificent. Keep that in mind when you’re wig shopping!

If your wig looks really shiny & unrealistic, a light coating of baby powder will help dull the sheen. Apply it with a powder brush, then shake off the excess. You can also buy special wig styling spray to keep a handle on flyaway hair & weird kinks etc. that your wig might have. Both of these things can help to make your wig look better on.

Above all, have fun with it! I now own two wigs — the black bob & a big pink afro, & I want more! I’d like a white bob & a beehive too…

Extra For Experts:
How to care for all different types of wigs — very useful information.
How to put long hair under a stocking cap — because if you just pull your hair into a bun, it’ll look like you have a tumour under your wig!

Love letters & feather headdresses,