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The Playgirl's Guide To Radical Self-Love

[ 1 February 2010, 10:14 ]

Valentine’s Day is in two weeks. (Eeeeep!) Alternately loathed & lauded (usually depending on which side of the relationship fence you’re on!), for many of us, it’s a day that doesn’t fit quite right.

Yes, you can curse everyone you’ve ever crushed on. You can threaten to burn down Hallmark’s hallowed halls. You can have an anti-Valentine’s Day party with your best friends & stuff yourself with heart-shaped chocolates, but I don’t think any of these options really deals with how we feel! It just keeps us from defenestration or drinking a bottle of red wine before passing out in the front of the television. For one night, anyway!

Distractions have their place but when they are never-ending, eventually they stop working…

As fun as it can be to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, go shopping or wear false eyelashes, life won’t really start to bloom until we’re comfortable with who we are. This is true every day, but becomes even poignant on Valentine’s Day, typically a celebration of someone else being in love with us.

So many of us are looking for someone else to fill a space, love & approve of us or take away our loneliness.

But whose love & approval is most important? Someone else’s? Or your own?

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love & affection than you are yourself, & that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection.”
(Buddha)

It’s easy to forget. We get so caught up chasing boys or deliberately not responding to them (à la The Rules), working long hours & Tweeting frantically that we neglect ourselves. We spend so much money on cosmetics that we forget that our inside is what’s most important. We try so hard to snare the perfect lover when we should focus on simply being love.

We think that loving ourselves will just come later, naturally — & it may. But what if it doesn’t come along until you’re 50? Or 80? What if it never does? We think, “I’ll love myself when I have a baby”, or, “I’ll love myself when I get a better job”. But what about the meantime? Should you just suffer in silence until that mythical moment? What if having a baby or getting a promotion doesn’t make you love yourself?

That’s why I have decided to declare February the month of…

I say, it’s time to romance yourself. It’s time for the greatest love affair you will ever know. It’s time for a personal revolution. I say, you deserve to be your own darling! Get enchanted! Bewitch yourself! I say, if not now, when?

Let’s get busy adoring ourselves.

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Once upon a time, I ran this thing called the iCiNG Transformation Challenge. The idea was to pick something you wanted to change, & then every day I sent out motivating tips, quotes & pictures via email. It was a huge success. I always remember one nonpareil writing to tell me that she used the power of the iTC to get off drugs. The reason these things work is because we are all in it together. We decide to jump in & support one another. We commit to moving forward positively, & we start walking in the same direction.

This time the task is more focused. Self-love is so important, & our lives really are vastly improved if we can just manage to love ourselves more.

It’s something we’re told to do all the time — love yourself, love yourself, love yourself — but how? Where are you supposed to begin? What tools do you need, if any? & how do you know if you’re on the right track?

I’m delighted to announce that from now until the 28th of the month, in addition to your regular content, I’ll be dishing out tips on how to really truly madly deeply fall in love with yourself! Topics will range far & wide. Girl love, body image, masturbation, jealousy, honoring & respecting yourself, positive self-talk, being assertive, manifesting your own dream girl persona & self-marriage are all up for grabs! Homework will be assigned (though it is totally optional, of course!), & I’ll be asking you to participate by sending in photos, stories & spreading the word!

I have a ton of goodies lined up already, but to make it totally useful & tailored to you, I want to know what you’d really love to hear about! What have you battled with most in your quest for radical self-love? Do you have trouble with your body image? Don’t know how to develop more confidence? Find it tricky to speak your mind? Whatever it is, let us know, & I’ll do my very best to create content around it!

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If you want to take part, you can steal this HTML code & post it on your blog, Facebook page, etc.! It would be a good thing to post if you take any of the homework & do it on your own site! Plus it will help encourage your friends to take part!

It would be fantastic if you used #radicalselflove as a tag when you’re talking about the challenge on Twitter, too! That way we can all find each other…

You can find all the posts on this subject by clicking The Playgirl’s Guide To Radical Self-Love!

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God, I’m so excited! I think this is going to be so amazing & I can’t wait to hear where you’re at & follow your progress throughout the month! Are you ready?! I am!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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50 Ways To Put The Light Back In Your Heart

[ 25 January 2010, 07:24 ]

I love that phrase — “putting the light back in your heart” — which was emailed to me by a nonpareil asking me how she could do just that. Her boyfriend recently broke her heart & so she is looking for ways to make herself feel better. I’m sure she’s not the only one who needs it, either! Whether you have the winter blues, are hard up for cash or just feel a little out of step with yourself at the moment, we could all use some ideas to cheer us up!

Why do we feel like this? Sometimes it’s because we’re too busy looking inward, & forget to think about the world around us. Other times it’s because we’re dwelling on what we wish we had, as opposed to appreciating the many things we do have. Sometimes it’s just a case of boredom & malaise, but whatever the source of our unhappiness, there are lots of ways we can fix it!

Here are some of my thoughts. I asked my nonpareils on Twitter about their favourite ways to get happy too, & mixed them all together. I’d love to hear what you have to add!

“We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.”
(Carlos Castaneda)

Write yourself a recipe for a perfect day, & then make it happen.
Sometimes you really need to take time for yourself, & when you do, it should be as good as you can make it. We all have different ideas of what constitutes the ideal day, but it might be something like… Watch the Virgin Suicides while eating strawberry pancakes; take a long bath & re-read your favourite book; lie on the floor & wriggle around; eat ice-cream in bed & watch reality television; talk to your best friend on the telephone; have a long, blissful sleep. Whatever it is, put aside some time & make it real.

Watch the Shiba Inu puppy cam.
Real, live puppies! Wriggling on webcam for your viewing pleasure! Surely an unbeatable combination. Nothing can be that bad when the world is so full of cute!

Call a friend & reminisce over the good old days.
There’s something wonderful about doing this. All the ridiculous happenings, strange people you’ve encountered over the years & inside jokes come spilling down the phone line, leaving you both laughing & breathless. As well as remembering the funniest bits of your past, it gives you a new appreciation of where you are today, & how far you’ve both come.

Have a snugglefest.
Anyone & anything is fair game, from cats & dogs to boyfriends, stuffed animals or cashmere throws. Just hunker down & get cozy! Stay warm & have a daydream.

Clean your room like a wild banshee — then sit down & admire your work.
Cleaning up or tidying with loud music playing is pretty fun (are my Virgo roots showing?!), but it’s even better to flop down on your bed, exhausted, & delight in how good everything looks.

Load up one of your favourite music videos on Youtube & then try to learn the choreography.
You’ll be passed out with delirious laughter before long, I swear!

Plan a holiday.
Even if your bank account wouldn’t even begin to cover a holiday right now, you can always plan one in your head! Think about where you’d like to go & what you’d like to do. Camelback riding across a majestic desert? A tour of all the waterparks in America? 5 blissed-out days lying on your back beside a huge turquoise swimming pool? Whatever floats your boat, do some research, & start to make it real — even if you won’t take the actual holiday for years.

Spend quality time with a puppy.
If you don’t have one, ask if you can go see a friend who has one. A few minutes of chasing each other around, playing tug-of-war with a chewed-up piece of rope & some vigorous tail-wagging will have you feeling like new in no time. Plus, they’re so adorable before they grow into their oversized feet!

Experience a sunset.
Don’t just glance at it from your window — really experience it! Sit on a balcony or rooftop, take a blanket & a hot drink if you need to, & watch the colours in the sky change as the sun disappears. It’s a beautiful show put on by the universe every night, it’s 100% free & even better, you are always invited!

Get dressed up & go out!
Call a friend & organise an outing. It doesn’t have to be anything grand (unless you want it to be!), but just getting out of the house will make you feel so much better. Wear bright pink lipstick to the movies or wear heels & eat hamburgers. It’s a great way to get out a puddle of stagnant energy.

Do yoga.
Even if you feel too exhausted to get through an entire session, just a few minutes will help bring you back to your centre & get you grounded again. If yoga isn’t your thing, try taking a few deep breaths. Concentrate on it as you do it. Go slowly. Breathe all the way into your stomach. Try to make the length of your inhale the same length as your exhale. As well as being a proven way to beat anxiety attacks, this is also a wonderful way to fall asleep if you’re having trouble — it works for me every time. You can read more about your best breath here.

Write.
It really is good for you, even if you don’t think you’re any good or don’t have any ideas. A great place to start is by writing, “Hi. I don’t really have anything to say.” Then just let yourself go. Allow yourself to vent, to dream, to be someone else. If you have a rad old typewriter, this is the perfect time to use it.

Go through your iTunes & organise the songs by the number of times played. Then listen to the songs you’ve never played before.
Every time I do this, I discover absolute gems. Right now, in fact, I’m listening to Knonam, who I had somehow never heard before, & it’s great! Alternatively, play all your favourite songs! Loud!

Eat chocolate.
...Because it’s proven to make you feel good. Especially the dark stuff.

Jump on a trampoline.
As well as being fun & boosting your energy, it also helps to increase the circulation of your lymph system, circulates more oxygen throughout your body, slows down aging, helps prevent cardiovascular disease & provides roughly a billion other amazing health benefits. It really does help to elevate a bad mood, too.

Sign up for OKCupid.
I have a soft spot for OKCupid, as it has given me hours of entertainment & is, in fact, how I met The Dish! You can take tests, find compatible matches & even meet people if you want to get reeeeeally wild! Ha!

Escape.
Get on your bicycle, grab the car-keys or catch a bus & go somewhere else. When you get there, spend some time walking around & looking at things. The travelling time will be good for your head, too. This is something Alain de Botton has written about — travelling helps to clear your head & reset your perspectives in a way nothing else can.

Swing.
There are few things I enjoy more than leaning back in a swing, kicking my legs up & flying back & forth!

Play dress-up.
Rummage through the back of your closet & see what wonderful things have been stuffed back there & forgotten. Put on a pair of heels & see what new outfits you can come up with. It is absolutely true that wearing an outfit you feel good in boosts your confidence & level of happiness!

Do something good for somebody else.
Help Haiti, give blood, volunteer at an animal shelter, deliver meals on wheels, help at a soup kitchen, donate old clothing, spend time at a women’s shelter, get involved in your community or even just help your parents out. It’s one of the absolute best ways to get your mind off your own problems & open you up to what is really going on in the world.

Spend time in a used bookstore.
One of my favourite places! There’s nothing better than walking out with a stack of great books for less than $10!

Remove negative influences — no matter how small.
Fire your negative friend or most annoying client. Stop reading the magazines which make you feel bad about yourself. Ban yourself from checking your ex-boyfriend’s blog. Block the phone number of the person who only ever calls you to complain. You cannot imagine how much better you’ll feel!

Draw moustaches on the faces in magazines!
Hahaha. Thanks @CaitHagar!

Buy something fabulous & cheap.
I recently bought a this Swarovski crystal ring for less than $10 from Eternal Sparkles on eBay — major bling for minor cash. It’s cute & it makes me smile. Sometimes, retail therapy really does work!

Pucker up!
Yes — kiss someone! Kissing causes the chemicals in your brain to change. It drops your levels of cortisol, which is a stress hormone, & increases the levels of oxytocin, which makes you feel good & gives you a feeling of connection.

Eat ice-cream & watch trashy television.
It sounds silly & overly simplistic but it really does work — at least for me! A tub of Ben & Jerry’s Half-Baked & some rubbish lined up makes for a great mental holiday. My favourite trashy fare? Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, Girls Next Door, Sex & The City, Entourage, Secret Diary Of A Call Girl, Skins, Top Model, Greek, Daisy Of Love, The Rachel Zoe Project, Say Yes To The Dress or Buffy. Perfect.

Stay overnight at your best friend’s place.
How long has it been since you had a same-sex sleepover? Too long I bet. There’s nothing better than a night of conversation, laughter & silliness with someone you adore.

Make yourself a super-healthy meal.
The feeling of accomplishment & knowledge that you’ve done something good for yourself is an almost unbeatable combination!

Concoct a special hot chocolate.
Add cinnamon, whipped cream, nutmeg, chili powder, candy canes, marshmallow… Make something special & delicious. Even better, make a huge Thermos & take it to work or school to share!

Go skating.
Flying around a rink at high speed with blades or wheels strapped to your feet is so much fun… & a big bruise on your booty can only be seen as a badge of bravery (& testament to how much fun you had)!

Slice up your fashion magazines & make a style collage.
From a candy pink pair of stilettos to a girl sitting in a gilded birdcage, take your favourite looks & mash them all together. Pin it up next to your wardrobe as extra inspiration when you get dressed in the morning, & let it serve as a reminder to try new things!

Watch a documentary about someone incredible.
If Lagerfeld Confidential, I’m Going To Tell You A Secret, Valentino: The Last Emperor or This Is It don’t inspire you to live life to the fullest, take control of your future & start changing things, nothing will!

Go wig shopping.
Take a friend & rock that wig parlour! You’ll both emerge with smiles on your faces, & hopefully a Marie Antoinette-inspired coif in your shopping bag!

Have a raucous karaoke session.
Drag someone along with you, hire a private room, & have a sing-off! Also, ask if your favourite karaoke place has a happy hour. A lot of them have lunchtime specials to get the punters in when it’s usually quiet. One of the best ways to spend your lunchbreak, for sure.

Pay someone to touch you.
Sounds weird, I know! But what I’m actually talking about is getting a massage, reflexology or even a really good pedicure. Sometimes having someone else touch you & take care of you is just what you need.

Start a new project.
I don’t think I am the only person who really enjoys beginning a new project. Everything is so full of promise & you can take it in any direction you like. It’s all creativity & experimentation all the time. What could be better?!

Get organised for the next week.
Work out what needs to be done, & get a head-start. Do your grocery shopping & laundry, plan social engagements, work out what you’re going to have for lunch. When you feel on top of your daily life, you feel more in control of everything else.

Learn to do something you’ve always wanted to.
From whistling with two fingers to learning how to talk dirty to working out if you’re a shaman or not, you can learn anything you like! The internet is a treasure-trove of information just waiting to be discovered, so don’t be shy! Get researching!

Sing, loudly!
In public, out of tune, at the gym, wherever! If you feel like singing, you should just do it! Don’t be embarrassed & don’t allow the looks other people may shoot you stop you from doing what you want! I think singing in the morning should be an essential part of everyone’s day…

Garden.
As in, the verb. The doing word! Talk to your plants, water them, re-pot them. Buy a new one. Or even go to a park & lie down on the grass. Getting up close with flowers & plants makes people feel good, which is why gardening is such a popular hobby.

Go swimming.
Bonus points for skinny dipping or swimming in the grotto at the Playboy Mansion. (Have any of you ever done this?!)

Make something.
There’s something about making a tangible object that is so satisfying. I am convinced that just moving your hands & using your brain in a different way is extremely good for your mental health. Bedazzle your cellphone, knit a sparkly scarf or make a little monster for a friend! It will shift the way you think & make you smile.

Draw pictures of all your friends & then post them out.
Even if it doesn’t come out very well, your friend will still be completely delighted to receive it. Who doesn’t want a picture of themselves drawn by someone who loves them?!

Research & read about the life of someone who improved the world in some way.
You’ll find out that everyone goes through hardships at one point or another. Nobody’s life is perfect, & if it was, how bored would we all be?! People have been through much more horrific things than you will ever experience, & still managed to triumph. Never lose hope.

Print pictures of you & your best friends, & put them all over your house.
There’s nothing better than reflecting on good times & smiling at goofy photos.

Invite a friend over for dinner.
It doesn’t have to be fancy. Even if you only eat fish & chips while sitting on the floor together, it’s still good company, it’s still a shared experience, & it’s good for the soul.

Read the best of Craigslist.
No explanation required.

Write a list of all the good things in your life.
Usually when we feel bad, it’s because we’re thinking about the things we don’t have as opposed to the plethora of things we do have. If you have a computer & can read this, you are already so much better off than most people in this world. Recalling everything you have to be grateful for is a foolproof way of improving your mood… which is why I do it every Thursday!

Dye your hair!
“I don’t know how to tell you this… But your hair looks like an easter egg!” Put a semi-permanent colour through your tresses. It’s inexpensive & won’t last long, which makes it a super-fun & easy way to change your appearance — at least for now!

Watch travel documentaries.
This is one of my favourite things to do, especially when it’s a documentary about India! It’s so easy to forget that life outside our own neighbourhood can be so fabulously different. A good travel documentary will amaze you, surprise you & remind you that there is a whole world out there just aching to be explored by you.

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What’s your #1 favourite foolproof way of making yourself feel better when nothing seems to be going right? Tell us!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Getting Organised For 2010

[ 29 December 2009, 11:39 ]

It’s the last week of 2009! God, how exciting. I LOVE the prospect of a new year! Fresh starts, new goals, rejuvenated ambition & no idea what the future might hold — it doesn’t get any better than that!

We all have ideas (some vague, some concrete) about what we’d like to achieve in the next decade (!!!). I always think it’s important to start out as you mean to continue, so here are a few ideas for you to ruminate on as you get ready for 2010!

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I want to… plan my life right down to the most minute detail!

I really do love a good Moleskine for daily organisation. I have been using them for years & there is something about the sexy, simple design, good quality paper & substantial hard cover which really appeals to me. I usually go with the Moleskine Daily Planner, which is wonderful — you get a full-sized page per day which is great for workaholics or organisational freaks like myself. But I decided 2010 needed a shake-up, & where better to start than with my day-planner? I bought a Colour A Month Daily Planner Box Set, which has been sitting on my desk & delighting me with its rainbonic (!!! or PRISMATIC!) visage! You still get a full page per day, just smaller, & I’m sure it will be just dandy for my purposes. I can’t wait to throw one of its colourful little books into my purse for mega-organisation on the go!

But this is not to say that a Moleskine is the only way to go, because it certainly isn’t. You might also like to try the Muji Chronotebook Non-Linear Day Planner (here is Lifehacker’s take on it), the 8 Days A Week planner (you can use the 8th day for things you’d like to schedule in, but are not sure when — v. clever!), the Daysteps planner (they seem to have thought of everything), the Multi-Task Notebook, a planner by Kate Spade or the Llewellyn’s 2010 Witches’ Datebook. The WeekDate planner looks really, truly incredible. You can even design your own planner with your own photos & pre-scheduled events at FranklinCovey. Amaze. So don’t give up or feel resigned to the ugly diary that your bank gave you, because there really is something for everyone!

Once you get your planner, use it! Keep it on your desk & open to the day’s date. Start making lists of things you want to do at night-time — for example, plan Monday on Sunday evening. If you do this, your brain will ruminate over the tasks while you’re sleeping, allowing your subconscious mind to come up with a plethora of solutions for the day ahead. Lovely!

Organize Now!: A Week By Week Guide To Simplify Your Space & Your Life might be a good purchase, too!

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I want… a great wall calendar!

Me too! Yes, a good wall calendar should definitely be on your shopping list.

Okay, so if you have a daily planner, why do you need a wall calendar too? You don’t, but I like it that way. I love to be able to see my month at a glance: that way I always know where I need to be & what I need to prepare for. It also gives me a sense of accomplishment as I see what I’ve achieved as the days tick over!

The difference between the calendar & my planner is that my calendar is strictly for things I need to leave the house for. My planner is more of a daily to do list.

It’s a fab time to buy a calendar. In most bookstores they are 50% off, because it’s after Christmas, & it is beyond wonderful to have it hanging on the 1st of January! It always feels a bit wasteful to buy one in March.

My 2009 calendar was a Tim Walker one & I cherished it. Sadly there is not a 2010 one, so I have been on the hunt for a suitable replacement. Here are some you might like.

Check out The Wizard of Oz, A Year In Yes (I have this & it is so cute, with spaces for making sweet little lists etc. etc.!), Walt Disney World (pictures of the park, YAY!), Magic Places, Hindu Gods & Goddesses, Llewellyn’s Astrological, Holly Madison (I kind of love her), Celebrations, Gods of the Bazaar, World of Faeries, Alex Grey, Tokidoki & Hello Kitty. This reversible calendar is very chic & clean. The Women of India calendar is super-colourful & An Ideal World features Indian educational charts from the 1950s. Love it. If you’d prefer to choose your own images, you can make your own calendar by connecting your Flickr account to Snapfish. Genius!

If none of these grab you, or you’d prefer not to put something on the wall, you can always buy a calendar tin!

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I want to… sort out my desk!

Me TOO! We have so much in common! Well, you definitely need to begin with a good pen. What else are you going to write all your grand plans of world domination with?! The Yoropen is “the most comfortable pen in the world” & looks super-rad. You could always buy a 10-pack of Gelly Roll pens to make your to do lists more exciting, even glittery. Everyone needs a good Sharpie, especially for addressing packages (mine is magenta). I find it hard to resist scented pencils too!

...& why not keep your favourite pen in a happy Buddha pen holder? I ask you! Why not indeed!

If you have a landline — & I don’t know anyone who does anymore, but still — this phone should be essential.

Bone- & heart-shaped paper clips belong on your desk, most definitely.

As far as resources for making your life more productive or wonderful, start with Never Check E-Mail In the Morning: & Other Unexpected Strategies for Making Your Work Life Work, Crush It!: Why NOW Is the Time to Cash In on Your Passion (Gary Vee! !) & The Life Organizer: A Woman’s Guide to a Mindful Year.

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I want to… get a better, more satisfying job!

This could be a whole book on its own, but if you’re feeling stuck or unmotivated in your job, it might be time to look for something else.

Keep in mind the following points.

It’s a cliché but it’s true — dress for the role you want, not the role you have.

Expand your networking skills. Never Eat Alone: & Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time is an excellent, excellent place to begin. It’s totally true that when it comes to getting work, more often than not, it’s who you know & not what you know.

Be aware that higher-level positions usually get about one-fifth the number of applicants that a lower-level position does. Most people aim low. Hilariously, if you apply for a more prestigious role, your odds of getting it are actually better than if you go for the job which pays less! Plus, you never know. I have told this story a zillion times, so feel free to tune out if you’ve heard it before, but I got a job as a book buyer for a university bookstore when I was 18 years old because a) applicants were few & far between & b) their first choice turned it down because they wanted more pay. It was a great job, too — sitting in a café all day, talking books with reps from various companies? Brill.

Give some thought to what you’d really like to do, & try not to be too “practical” about it. If you want to do satisfying, fulfilling work, you need to listen to your heart, not your head. Additionally, if you keep going for the same sort of job, you’re going to get the same kind of result.

Update your résumé!

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I want… to get fit & healthy!

Take advantage of the post-Christmas sales, but not the ones on big boxes of Ferrero Rocher chocolates! Think about gyms, health clubs, dance classes, etc. — after Christmas, everyone wants to work off a bit of the turkey, mashed potatoes, gargantuan pieces of fruit cake et al from the season of glut. All businesses in the health & wellness sector know this, & you better believe they want your dosh!

So do some shopping around. See what the deals are. Get a few tours. Grab some day passes if you can. Do some research. (Plug “gym or company name” + “review” + “your city” into Google & get cracking!) Purchase wisely, though! If you’re buying from a gym, these memberships often last two years, & while $x may not sound a lot, multiply it by 24 & you may feel quite differently.

Don’t be afraid to drive a hard bargain, either. Tell your membership advisor that you’re shopping around, & see what else they can offer you. If they can throw in some free personal training sessions, so much the better. In fact, the personal training route is a great way to go because the right trainer can give you a mission, encourage you & motivate you — three things you can start to lose sight of if you’re just slogging away under your own steam.

All gyms have their advantages & disadvantages. What is it that you really need from a gym? Good yoga classes? Women only? Personal trainers? A spa? Work out your criteria & then purchase a membership accordingly.

If you’re not of the gym predilection, plot an exercise schedule which suits your lifestyle & STICK TO IT! Self-discipline is key if you want to see results.

As in all areas of life, in order to really achieve something, you need to set a goal that pertains to it. So set health & fitness goals which inspire you, & then get busy!

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I want… to eat better!

It’s best to deduce what “eating better” means to you. Less meat? More vegetables? No meat at all? No fried food? All home cooking? More regular meals? Less snacking? Macrobiotic? Vegetarian? Vegan? Raw? Organic? Once you know your definition of healthy eating, you’ll know which direction to head in.

Get some books & do some research, see what you can find online, visit a nutritionist or buy some kitchen equipment that will make your journey easier. Go food shopping, & remove the foods you’re trying to avoid from your kitchen. Make an eating plan & then make sure you have what you need every day so you can keep to it. Half the battle, truly, is just in being organised.

If you want to start with a hiss & a roar, you might like to try something to clear you out. I am going to do a juice fast in January through Blueprint Cleanse. You can do it without supervision or hand-holding, but because I have never done it before & I am a wuss, I’m doing it through them! If it’s something you’re interested in too, you can read an FAQ here.

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I want to… move forward & put the past behind me!

Start by cutting loose the negative people in your life. Work out if you’re in a destructive relationship. Set goals for 2010 which wow & inspire you. Improve your home with a dash of feng shui. Come up with some affirmations of what you want for 2010, & recite them every morning & every night. Remember to count your blessings & practice gratitude every day (not just Thursday!). Breathe. Be good to yourself.

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I want… to achieve HEAPS!

This is something I did on Saturday evening with a friend of mine. We weren’t planning it, it just happened. After shopping, we crossed the road & sat in a diner. We sipped milkshakes & were talking when I said to her, “What do you want to achieve next year?” We started discussing our goals. She even pulled out her notebook & read me the list of things she wanted to do. As we talked about our plans, we came up with ways we could combine them, or help one another, or people we could introduce the other to who could assist them. We encouraged one another & talked about how great it would be to do this or that or the other thing. It was really fantastic. I would recommend doing this with a friend, lover or family member — anyone who you know will be supportive (very important). If they’re just going to try & talk you out of it, you’re wasting your time. Don’t spend time with dreamkillers!

If you are going to do this, I would recommend doing it when you have no time constraints, & also I would suggest that you phrase everything as if it is already happening. So, instead of saying, “I want to get fit & healthy”, you can say, “I am getting more fit & healthy every day”. Bring it into the present. If you are always phrasing things out in the future, they remain there: in the future, distant, just out of grasp. Pull them to you with your words.

The reasons for sharing your goals are multiple, but one of the best is that it will give you a jolt & make you accountable. Before you said anything out loud, it was just an idea floating around in your head. But now your friend knows about it, & can check on your progress, help you if you want them to, & encourage it to blossom into the real world.

“A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.” — Yoko Ono

---

What do you want to do, manifest, achieve in 2010? Where do you want to go? What does your dream year look like?

Here’s to the start of a beautiful decade!

P.S. It’s Mercury retrograde which is a little daunting but means it is the perfect time to look back & reflect before launching into the new year. You will get the best results in 2010 if you take a moment to review 2009! There is a FABULOUS Cancerian new moon eclipse on January 15th, which is the best time to start fresh & go wild, so start psyching yourself up for it now!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Love & Sequins #7!

[ 22 December 2009, 10:47 ]

Happy holidays from magical, snowy New York City! I’m really excited to announce the latest installment of Love & Sequins, my monthly podcast series.

Love & Sequins #7: BLOGGING 101 — Living & loving online, monetisation in the new world & thinking beyond the 9-5!

On December 16th, iCiNG celebrated its third birthday. In the past three years, my site has been visited by over 13 million people, I have been offered jobs at magazines & invited to speak on panels. Best of all, I have done what so many people think is the impossible dream: I have made a living as a writer & blogger.

Throughout the course of my blogging career, people have asked me how it’s possible to earn a living in this field. In this installment of my podcast, I explain how I’ve achieved my goals. From iCiNG’s tiny beginnings to the global influence it has today, I detail every step of the way. I lay it all on the table for you with complete honesty & transparency.

Love & Sequins #7 is a whopping 14,000 words — with the MP3 running for over an hour — discussing how to run a successful (read: popular & lucrative) blog!

In this chapter, you’ll learn about:
How to create a truly popular blog
A variety of ways in which you can monetise your blog (& think outside the box when doing so)
The bare-all truth of how I earn my living
How I primped, preened & promoted iCiNG from the very beginning
The complete low-down on finding readers (& giving them what they really want!)
Some of the biggest mistakes I’ve made & the steps I’d take if I had to start all over again
What to do when your visitor numbers start to drop or plateau
How you can use your blog to secure other opportunities to generate cash or press
The current trends in the blogosphere & how to capitalise on them
Navigating ethics & integrity online
Things to consider before you get in bed with a big company
Why comments aren’t everything
Figuring out how much of your life you want to share online
Hustling your way to the top
...& plenty more!

The entire podcast is packed with real, anecdotal, actionable advice, as well as a reading list & a slew of homework assignments! If it doesn’t make you a better blogger, I will eat one of my many hats!

I sent it to my friend before it went live, & he emailed me, saying…

“One more thought: It’s not about blogging. It’s about ANY online business. I.E., pretty much any modern business at all. Blogging is just an example, and at that, really a very small part of it. I read it, thinking about what I was doing, nodding & going, “Yep, good advice, yep, can use that”. ... Loved your comment about your core audience. Great advice about managing online rep. The list of ‘little things’ is frickin’ brilliant. High density, high value. All in all? Damn, that’s one high value podcast. Amazing stuff.” — S.

How does it work? If you just want this chapter, it’s a one-off payment of $12. Alternatively, you can subscribe monthly (& get all the back-issues) with 12 payments of $10, or pick up the whole thing for $7 an issue (a one-off payment of $84)!

Note! This chapter doesn’t detail the technical nitty-gritty of how to set-up & start a blog. If that’s what you need to know, check this out! Love & Sequins #7 was written more specifically for people who want to optimise & capitalise on what they already have.

Here’s a rundown on what the previous chapters were all about! Each installment is 10,000 words or more & full of love!

Love & Sequins #1: LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF — Self-adoration, manifesting your ideal persona, channelling your inner Marie Antoinette & everything in between!

“This podcast has been tremendously helpful. It has indeed resonated deeply in all of the tiny crevices of my being where I’ve been hiding my hopes and dreams and instead allowing myself to be swallowed by fear and doubt. I couldn’t agree more that we all know that self-confidence and self-love are the root of success, of living the positive inspired lives we all dream about. And yet, until now it escaped me that I could practice at being confident. That I could slowly develop these skills over time. I had a huge a-ha moment – of course it won’t happen overnight! Of course it’s about making small changes, adjusting my mindset and perceptions in the moment… Thank you for letting your own light shine as it has given me permission and inspiration to do the same. I’m deeply grateful.” — L.

“Dude. I’m just listening to your podcast now. Honestly, I was a little apprehensive because I’ve noticed your content on iCiNG has changed a little. This is the stuff. SIGH! RELIEF! CONGRATULATIONS. Don’t ever forget how much the ‘nonpareils’ have their hearts out there for you. Me included always always always. You’re just GOOD, you know? Substantial and full of perspective, dripping with sticky as honey vocabulary. Plus your voice is so badass.” — S.

Love & Sequins #2: THE SMART GIRL’S GUIDE TO BUSINESS — Taking control of your life, finding your passion, loving what you do & making mad bling!

“Thank you so much for your inspiration. it really gave me the kick up the bum that I needed. I was always afraid to take a creative income path, for fear that my talent was lacking. I still have these insecurities, but I realise that right now, while I’m young, enthusiastic and motivated is the very best time to give it a shot. If it doesn’t work out, then I’ll try something different. if it is a success, then maybe it will give me the confidence to try some other more innovative ideas.” — V.

“I am writing to you in regard to a project that I started as a result of your lovely site. I guess you could call me one of your inspired non-pareils. Wikifashion began as an idea around one year ago and I never really had the “chutzpah” to give it a go until I purchased your podcast on “being your own boss”. I fell asleep listening to that podcast every night for a week, taking it all in and furiously scribbling down notes. It was so groundbreaking for me and every word that you spoke really resonated with me. Thank you for inspiration and words of wisdom.” — M.

Love & Sequins #3: LOVE, SEX, THE GALAXY & EVERYTHING — From falling in love to co-habitation, & all the beauty & madness contained within!

“Gala, I loved this one! I listened to it as soon as you sent it. I’ve always been kind of a cynic when it comes to love, but I think I’m ready to let my guard down and take the plunge. The ‘love self-evaluation’ and ‘figuring out what you want from a partner’ parts stood out the most to me, and I’m definitely going to take the time to write and reflect on these areas. Thank you so much!” — D.

“This was supermegaawesome good! I like the way it flows and sounds natural… Like you’re whispering good advice in my ear! And also I was walking my dog while listening to this and 3 or 4 times I just burst out laughing at some of the things you said; a lot of strange looks! Please keep this up, they’re all super good and I really do owe a lot to you!” — V.

Love & Sequins #4: A GUIDE TO MANNERS FOR THE MODERN MINX — Etiquette, social graces & charming the pants off total strangers for the uninitiated!

“i just listened to this & it’s SO helpful, you have no idea. thank you, thank you, thank you! i’ve always been pretty socially awkward & it’s only gotten worse the past year or two & i’ve really been wanting to change that, but never knew where/how to start… i’m sure i’ll listen to it many more times :] & absolutely do the homework.” — M.

“Gala, you have truly hit the spot once more! I sat there nodding to myself, smiling with recognition, laughing out loud and thinking WOW this girl inspires me to change the world too as I listened to the 4th Love&Sequins. Thank you so much wonderful!” — A.

Love & Sequins #5: FINDING HAPPINESS & MAKING IT STAY — Choosing joy, making magic & devoting your life to love, adventure & deliciousness!

“Thank you Gala for this one. It is your best yet and came at a perfect moment as the universe so decided. Starting today I will be happier, stronger person, set my goals and achieve them. I will be happy because I can be and I am going to take responsibility for myself and my emotions and not blame it on anyone else. Thank you a million…think you gave me the push I needed to achieve my goal and be happy in the mean time. Thanks again! Stay magical stay wonderful stay powerful and never stop moving forward!!” — S.

“I can honestly say this is the best $12 you will ever spend. I’ve been seeing a psychologist for the past 6 months… What Gala has produced is that 6 months of therapy all wrapped up into an hour long podcast. Her advice about choosing how you react to situations is the most helpful life advice you may ever receive.” — K.

Love & Sequins #6: DAINTIER, SMARTER, BETTER DRESSED — A deluxe guide to looking truly fabulous, defining your personal style & being the best-dressed girl at any party!

“thanks again!! What lovely, positive inspiration for everybody! I’m stoked for my wardrobe challenge, and excited to put together new outfits and think a little outside the box. you are officially my new hero!!” — B.

“This months’ Love and Sequins was my favorite so far. It is clearly a subject that you feel very passionate about, and that really came across in the podcast… This podcast really inspired me, and even while I was listening to it, I had a pad of paper next to me and was jotting down outfit ideas and sketching possible combinations.” — V.

Pick ‘em all up with either of these options!

“I’m so glad I paid for all them upfront. Now every month I get a delicious chapter to inspire and thrill me. It’s one of my favourite pick-me-ups.” — L.

As always, I appreciate your support, encouragement & excitement so much! Thank you for coming along with me on this amazing journey!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Christmas Gifts For The Nervous Or Otherwise Woefully Underprepared

[ 1 December 2009, 15:04 ]

The holidays can be a difficult time. Despite the fairy lights (yay!), great nosh & sense of magic, there’s also pressure from all sides, insane expectations & of course, constant, horrible Christmas music being piped in from the depths of hell. (My number one holiday tip is to wear headphones all month!)

It can be so hard to find presents for people because most people buy for themselves what they really need, meaning that you’re usually scrambling for a gift, & end up buying them crappy tsotchkes & miscellaneous rubbish which will probably disappear into a drawer, never to be seen again.

Well I say, no more! No more gift packs from The Body Shop (the ultimate I-don’t-know-you-at-all present)! No more economy packs of underpants! No more novelty socks & ties! If you have to buy someone something, why not make it something cute, fun or clever?

Here are a bunch of ideas, some of which are surely suitable for at least one or two people you know. It is all online stuff, & I did my best to find stores which shop worldwide. Also, feel free to tell us what you’ve bought (or even better, made!) for people! Your genius insights are always welcome!

So, I wrote about the Cambridge Satchel Company the other day, & lo & behold, I now have my own! I bought a 13” purple satchel which is embossed in silver with MISS DARLING. It is seriously beautiful. The bags come in black, brown, navy blue, pink, red, yellow & purple, so you could get one in your friend’s favourite colour & have it embossed with their nickname or something sweet. It would make a really wonderful gift for anyone!

For your more liberated female friends, you cannot go past Jimmyjane as purveyors of pleasure. Their latest & greatest, the FORM 2, is the best, best, best sex toy I have ever encountered. It is shaped like a bunny head (!!!), oscillates in a variety of patterns, & — let’s be honest — almost made me pass out. Anyone you buy this for will seriously love you forever.

Heaven Help Us is an Etsy store specialising in faux-saints for the troubled. There is even St. Licky, the only dog allowed in heaven. I love it. They have a bunch of great stocking stuffer ideas. One of my favourite things is a mousepad with a picture of a nun on it, to remind you to keep on task at work. Fantastic!

Elizabeth Dilk’s kit to thwart writer’s block is genius. You can’t buy it (unfortunately, it was just a conceptual project) but you could certainly make something similar for a writer in need!

If your friends enjoy a good book, here are some I’ve been digging on recently: Textbook Romance, I Your Style, Decoding Love: Why It Takes Twelve Frogs to Find a Prince & Other Revelations from the Science of Attraction, The Magic of Thinking Big, Why Him? Why Her?: Finding Real Love By Understanding Your Personality Type, The High Heeled Guide to Enlightenment, Chris Craymer’s Romance, Mystic Medusa’s Astroscape 2010 & Sun Signs & Soul Mating, Wood Nymph Seeks Centaur: A Mythological Dating Guide, Bobbi Brown Makeup Manual: For Everyone from Beginner to Pro, & Infinite Possibilities: The Art of Living Your Dreams by Mike Dooley.

ModCloth has a really wide assortment of things to please even the fussiest bestie. (Or should that be “beastie”?) Who could be upset about a chandelier?! This flask is ideal for tucking into a lacy garter belt. I love these unicorn keys & this 2010 cupcake calendar too. There’s a shower curtain with a Parisian view, a pink polka-dot espresso set & even What I Wore Today, a fun street-style book featuring me, Nubby Twiglet, my friends Eden & Amelia, & a bunch of other cuties! Plus, ModCloth has free shipping on orders over $75 for a limited time, so get crackin’!

Cosmetics are always a fantastic gift to give or receive. Sephora.com has sets to suit all kinds of people & MAC Cosmetics, old faithful, have released their beautiful holiday collection. If you’re not quite sure of your giftee’s tastes or needs, buy them a voucher. Pretty much every woman will be happy with this kind of thing!

You could make a DIY catalogue of love — though it seems to me this is more a gift a woman would appreciate. (Before you go bonkers at me, I know there are oodles of sensitive guys out there but honestly in my experience, most of ‘em prefer stuff they can use!)

If someone you know is getting a new laptop or phone for Christmas, you could always get them a GelaSkin featuring work by their favourite artist. Or you could create your own — the website has a little wizard where you can make one out of anything you like! It’s really easy to do — look at this iPhone cover! Hee.

I know I plug her all the time but I really do love this woman. Give your cool, quirky friend a gift subscription to Mystic Medusa & they’ll get all the astrological info they’ll ever need. Even better, Mystic has just created a little scheduler for each month, so you can see which days are best for business, lurve, yoga, parties, etc.! It is so good, & as I have said a billion times, hers are always the first emails I read in the morning.

More astro-yummies: buy your best friend a chart reading with my boy Christopher from Soulgarden! He gave me one last week & it was BRILLIANT. They go for an hour or 90 minutes, it happens over the phone or via Skype & you even get a recording of it emailed to you afterwards. I love love love him & I promise your friend will be delighted.

Fred Flare has a major assortment of gifts at different price points. TokyoMilk scented travel candles sound delicious — Let Them Eat Cake smells of sugar cane, coconut & vanilla, while Cherry Bomb is all roses & chocolate. Yum! They do perfumes, too. Cotton candy toothpicks would make for a rad stocking stuffer. These polaroid notes are ideal for your super-polite friend who worships Miss Manners & is obsessed with writing thank you notes. The sweet treats glitter postcard tin might do the trick too!

Urban Outfitters has so much cool stuff in their online store right now, such as these monogram pillowcases, marquee alphabet lights, wire frame 10” letters, initial keyrings & necklaces (yes, I love anything with a letter on it), a set of three French notebooks (ahem, cahiers!), sun jars for the SAD-afflicted, Alice in Wonderland glasses set, damsel wallpaper (s to the woon), cardboard taxidermy for the squeamish, a snow globe frame (I had one of these years ago), fortune or moustache bandages, a violet fisheye camera, etc. I also really love this fainting sofa but it might be a tricky gift to give… Maybe you could just buy it for yourself for Christmas! Anyway, have a look around, they really do have some excellent stuff. I Urban Outfitters but I would caution, read the reviews on the items first. Sometimes their quality can be a little hit or miss. (Like for example these sequinned slips which would have been perfect for pretty much everything BUT have all been folded & thus ruined. Boo! Booooooo! I was going to wear them tucked into high-waisted skirts & now all my hopes & dreams have been RUINED! Okay, I’m done.)

I think pyjamas make a great present. Everyone needs something to sleep in (uh, except those people who sleep naked year-round). Wrap them nicely & maybe throw in a silk eye-mask for good measure. Why not make a cozy sleeping kit which includes brand new, 1000 threadcount pillowcases, pyjamas, a lavender candle (good for inducing snoozing) & a good bedtime book? Hello Kitty has pyjamas for DAYS, Victoria’s Secret has every kind of sleepwear you could possibly imagine, from slinky slips to candy-striped & polka-dotted PJs, Peter Alexander does super-cute slumber party duds (they even have sequinned knickers) & if you want to get really wacky, Sleepyheads does pyjamas with feet... (So does Target!) Plum Pretty Sugar on Etsy makes lovely robes, too.

For your friend with the sweet tooth, a let me eat cake t-shirt or a candy bar charm bracelet will make her smile so wide you’ll see every single one of her cavities. It’s a little too late for this, but maybe it will go on sale?! A girl can dream. How about Barbie edible lipstick, a 1950s Barbie chocolate bar, a piece of cake gift basket for the Marie Antoinette obsessed, some milk chocolate mittens (?!) or a horoscope chocolate bar? (If only the flavours matched the signs in some way. The Virgo bar could taste like cleaning products, while the Aries bar could taste like gasoline… Not that they would be very tasty.) Or you could just buy her a case of Wonka bars or the World’s largest candy cane & call it a day. (Maybe you should also book her an appointment to see the dentist.)

Other ideas: A Polaroid camera & a couple of packs of film will make pretty much anyone smile & definitely cement them as a hit at their new year’s eve party. The One Line a Day: A Five-Year Memory Book is great for writers or people who love to document their lives. The 2010 Bubble Calendar, which has a bubble to pop every day, is truly excellent. These Photoshop fridge magnets make me smile. I LOVE this calendar tape. & finally, Gilt Groupe has THE BEST & most amazing sales all the time. If you’re looking for a party dress, it is the place to be. Yesterday they had Erin Fetherston dresses at a fraction of the price, & Gilt Fuse has Betsey Johnson party dresses for under $100. But they also have beautiful pens, spa vouchers, jewellery & homewares, so it is definitely a great source for fabulous Christmas gifts if you want to really impress someone!

P.S. If you are going the online shopping route — which is truly so much more sane than braving the crowds — be sure to order early! If you put it off, your gifts will not arrive in time! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

So… what are you buying your nearest & dearest this year? Are you giving big diamond baubles, unicorn soft toys, old pulp paperbacks or bubblegum tattoo collections? Or are you skipping out on the consumerism & going DIY? Let us know!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Over-The-Knee Boots: How To Do It

[ 24 November 2009, 15:57 ]

Over-the-knee boots are constantly going in & out of fashion, & have done since the time of pirates. Yarrr! They were daily-wear for pirates, who often turned the cuffs down, as well as crazy adventurers & buccaneers, who wore them as protection while they were riding & often hid things inside them. Like a treasure chest for the leg, to be sure, to be sure, yarrr! YARRR! Women started wearing them in secret too, because they wanted in on the fun, & would hide them under their long skirts.

The style comes & goes, & in the last couple of years, they have drifted back into style again. We’ve noticed them on the likes of Carine Roitfield & Victoria Beckham, & designers, who have the beadiest eyes of all, have not missed this. Now practically every shoe store has a pair in their front window, & we start to think, ‘Hmmm, I wonder how that would look on me’. But just putting them on takes stacks of confidence, & then, you think, as you stare at yourself in the mirror (& everyone in the shop gawps at you), ‘What the hell would I even wear these with, anyway?’.

My darling, I am here to help. Here is my guide to rocking the most fabulous trend of the season.

Questions for the quivery-kneed.

Can I really pull this off?
Remember that the over-the-knee boot is a STATEMENT. What the statement is, exactly, is up to you, but it is probably more along the lines of, “I am a powerful bellatrix & I am not to be trifled with” than “Here is your library card & a photocopied hand-out of the Dewey Decimal System”. Knawmean? This is not a shoe for the shrinking violet. If your legs are your least favourite attribute, or if cannot handle oodles of attention from men on the street (because believe me, you’ll get it), you should not purchase a pair. Stick to your Hush Puppies or whatever. But if you’re up for a challenge, & if you want to throw down the delicious, fetishy gauntlet, then these are for you.

I don’t really think my thighs are my best feature. Should I go for it anyway?
It all depends on how self-conscious you are. If a stranger’s swiftest glance at your gams sends you into a hyperventilating panic, perhaps you should give this one a miss. All is not lost, though — over-the-knee boots look best when worn with black opaque stockings, so it’s not like you’re really showing them off all that much. Super-secret-hint: ribbed stockings (where the lines run vertically up your leg) will give you a slimmed-down, long & lean-looking thigh without the hassle of going to the gym or giving up eating fried chicken sandwiches every second night!

Okay, I want to go for it. Should I buy a flat boot or one with a heel?
It really depends on what you’re most comfortable in & what you think you’ll get the most wear out of. I feel that a heel is always more flattering, especially when it comes to something like a high boot which can sometimes make even the leggiest lass look a bit… well… stumpy. But if you loathe wearing heels & wobble violently whenever you even think about a pair, flat boots are probably more your speed.

How high should the boot go?
I think a few centimetres over the knee is best. True thigh-high boots don’t give you a lot of room left over, & can look more like waders than sexy boots. But you know your style best. Try on a few different boots to find out what is most flattering for your body.

Should I go for leather or synthetic?
Leather boots are certainly more expensive, but if it’s in your budget (& fits with your morals), leather is the way to go. Why? Synthetic leather doesn’t breathe, it doesn’t sit as well against the skin (it can look kind of wrinkly & naff), & it’s less durable. Sometimes the colour will rub off or it will crack or split. It also looks cheaper, & because this is a look that can go wrong very easily, looking cheap is to be avoided!

This is not to say you cannot go synthetic; of course, you can. Just make sure you buy the best ones you find. It is worth shopping around (though really, this is true for everything).

If you decide to go for leather, here is a note about suede, because there are a lot of very attractive suede over-the-knee boots on the market. As beautiful as it is, & as wonderfully cosy as leather boots are in the winter, you need to be careful wearing suede boots in the rain. The occasional sprinkle of rain won’t ruin them (just be sure to put trees in them & let them dry out when you get home), but if they get soaked, you’ll be a very sad bunny. The dye in suede also runs like MAD when it gets wet, & it stains. You can Scotchgard your suede boots to protect them from the weather but still, use your common sense. While you are wearing them, don’t wash the car, drink too many cocktails beside a swimming pool, run a marathon during a tropical storm, etc.

PVC & patent leather boots should be avoided too, unless you are really, really, really sure you can pull it off. See: Pretty Woman.

Ugh, I tried on a pair & they don’t stay up when I walk around!
If they don’t stay up, don’t buy them! Realise that they may not be the right boots for you & continue with your search. Constantly tugging on the top of them will drive you bonkers, & if this is the case, know that there is no guaranteed way to keep them up. Liberal applications of Hollywood (or double-sided) tape will do the trick for a while, but even this is not a pinky-swear promise. Sometimes it won’t work. If the top of the boot is super-thin, you can attach suspender belt straps to them, but make sure the belt fits or your boots will just drag that down too! You see where I am going with this: ill-fitting over-the-knee boots will just create more problems than they are worth. If something is worth doing, it’s worth doing properly. Don’t half-ass this one.

As well as making sure they stay up, they should also fit your thigh properly. Think snug, but not so tight your thighs go all bulgy like an unfortunate shibari incident. If you’re swimming in them, it will either a) ruin the proportions you’re trying to go for, or b) make you look like a pirate. I know, I know, yarrrrrrrr, the history & all is cool, but is Anne Bonny really your style icon?

Okay, I bought some! Now, what do I wear with these suckers?
The truth is that the first image that comes to mind for pretty much everyone is Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, & as charming as she was, she is not the woman we’re hoping to emulate. The best way to avoid looking like you are a woman of the night is to go for contrast (otherwise known as not being too obvious) & not show everything off at once. Over-the-knee boots are all about legs, which means your outfit shouldn’t also be geared to showing off your midriff or cleavage. (This is a pretty basic rule of dressing — you don’t show everything at once, unless you are stuck in Las Vegas & have to turn tricks to get home again.)

Remember that when you put an outfit together, your shoes only convey part of the message — so what you wear them with counts.

Think about proportions. Your boots are long & fitted, so go bigger on top. How would it look if you added a slouchy sweater or a big coat cinched in at the waist? What about a long t-shirt or a radically cut a-line skirt? You could wear them over skinny jeans with an enormous scarf & a leather jacket, with an oversized cardigan or a jacket with structured shoulders.

You also don’t have to show the entire boot to make the most of them. If you think of them more as leggings or stockings, that can free you up hugely in terms of what you team with them. You could wear them with a 40’s style dress, a pencil skirt or a huge tulle petticoat to wonderful effect.

One of the easiest ways to make an outfit visually interesting is to play with proportions & put unexpected things together. Big with small, tough with luxe, vintage with new. Mix it up & see what you can come up with.

Here are some more ideas!

The styling of these two images is delicious. It’s all about proportions. The look with the leather jacket is total perfection from start to finish. She’s wearing her boots over black skinny jeans & under an oversized white shirt, which is capped off with a short leather jacket. The jacket gives the outfit its shape, while the white shirt prevents it from looking too severe. Bravo.

The picture of the girl in the (faux?) fur jacket, cinched with a belt, & worn with black over-the-knee boots is just too yummy for me to even pontificate over. If I owned all the components of that outfit, you would be hard pressed to get me to wear anything else. Ever.

In my opinion, what saves these three looks from being trashy is that you’re not even really aware that the models are wearing over-the-knee boots. It’s like a fantastic leathery secret. They just look like they’re wearing fabulous stockings or skinny leather trousers. There is no flash of pale or mottled thigh & not a hint of fishnet. They look powerful, sexy & put-together.

The Hussein Chalayan look is from Fall 2006, & is a total winner. You could wear this outfit to work, after-work drinks, or even on a date with a bit of dazzling jewellery. It’s perfectly understated & just a little bit intimidating all at the same time.

I LOVE how Alice Burdeu (Australia’s Next Top Model winner!) looks in McQueen — totally makes me think of a headmistress at a strict-but-sexy (hey, it’s my imagination) Edwardian orphanage. So good. “No, Oliver! You may NOT have some more!”

I can’t say anything about the Givenchy look because I just drowned in my own drool. Sorry.

This is perhaps not a look to emulate, but I had to include it just because it’s quite brilliant. It might be a good one for the bedroom, though.

Carine (Editor-In-Chief of French Vogue) shows how it’s done. The sleek silhouette of the boots perfectly off-sets the size of the coat. Her outfit is so simple but it is completely genius — there are so few parts to it, but it works seamlessly & wonderfully. She could be wearing anything under that coat — a Garfield sweatshirt, a pair of sequinned hot pants, a bikini emblazoned with the American flag — but it doesn’t matter because the few pieces we can see are A++. & seriously, look at those boots. Oh, Margiela, you did us proud.

So, what do you think of the over-the-knee boot? Is it something you think you could see yourself wearing? I am totally mad about them, & have been schlepping from store to store trying to find The Perfect Pair. When I do, I’ll be sure to let you know.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Love & Sequins #6 Is Live!

[ 30 October 2009, 17:52 ]

Hooray! Today I sealed my latest Love & Sequins chapter with a kiss & sent it off around the globe!

For those of you who don’t know, or are new (welcome!), Love & Sequins is my monthly podcast series. It’s a book which is all about becoming a love letter to the universe, & you get a chapter sent to your inbox every month! As well as the text (which is at least 10,000 words each time), you also get an MP3 of me reading it aloud to you!

Love & Sequins #6 is called DAINTIER, SMARTER, BETTER DRESSED — A deluxe guide to looking truly fabulous, defining your personal style & being the best-dressed girl at any party!

This is the biggest chapter so far — I actually found it really hard to stop myself writing! (I still have so much I want to say, & think Chapter 7 will be a continuation of this subject.) Love & Sequins #6 weighs in at a MAJOR 20,630 words! It is a veritable style & aesthetic bonanza, loaded with pictures & more ideas than you can shake a stick at. It is super-delicious & a feast for the brain!

Oh, & did I mention that the MP3 runs for an hour & a half?!

It is absolutely perfect for anyone going through a wardrobe crisis, wanting to wear more colour, in the throes of concocting a new style direction or just wanting to get to grips with their aesthetic! You’ll learn how to construct your very own style bible, where to find inspiration & what to do with it once you have it, the story of my personal aesthetic evolution & how to put looks together for maximum impact!

I also included (& made some little additions to, & recorded!) some articles from the iCiNG archive which are totally useful & relevant — but even without those, there are over 12,000 words of brand-spanking new original content!

So how does it work? You can pick up this chapter for $12, you can subscribe monthly for $10 (& will be sent all the back-issues) or you can snap them all up in one fell swoop for $84 (this brings the price down to $7 an issue). You buy them through Paypal, which means you don’t even need a credit card. Boom! You’re WELCOME!

Of course, before this chapter, there were five others! Here’s the low-down on each of them, with some reviews to let you know what you’re in for!

Love & Sequins #1: LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF — Self-adoration, manifesting your ideal persona, channelling your inner Marie Antoinette & everything in between!

“This podcast has been tremendously helpful. It has indeed resonated deeply in all of the tiny crevices of my being where I’ve been hiding my hopes and dreams and instead allowing myself to be swallowed by fear and doubt. I couldn’t agree more that we all know that self-confidence and self-love are the root of success, of living the positive inspired lives we all dream about. And yet, until now it escaped me that I could practice at being confident. That I could slowly develop these skills over time. I had a huge a-ha moment – of course it won’t happen overnight! Of course it’s about making small changes, adjusting my mindset and perceptions in the moment… Thank you for letting your own light shine as it has given me permission and inspiration to do the same. I’m deeply grateful.” — L.

“Dude. I’m just listening to your podcast now. Honestly, I was a little apprehensive because I’ve noticed your content on iCiNG has changed a little. This is the stuff. SIGH! RELIEF! CONGRATULATIONS. Don’t ever forget how much the ‘nonpareils’ have their hearts out there for you. Me included always always always. You’re just GOOD, you know? Substantial and full of perspective, dripping with sticky as honey vocabulary. Plus your voice is so badass.” — S.

Love & Sequins #2: THE SMART GIRL’S GUIDE TO BUSINESS — Taking control of your life, finding your passion, loving what you do & making mad bling!

“Thank you so much for your inspiration. it really gave me the kick up the bum that I needed. I was always afraid to take a creative income path, for fear that my talent was lacking. I still have these insecurities, but I realise that right now, while I’m young, enthusiastic and motivated is the very best time to give it a shot. If it doesn’t work out, then I’ll try something different. if it is a success, then maybe it will give me the confidence to try some other more innovative ideas.” — V.

“I am writing to you in regard to a project that I started as a result of your lovely site. I guess you could call me one of your inspired non-pareils. Wikifashion began as an idea around one year ago and I never really had the “chutzpah” to give it a go until I purchased your podcast on “being your own boss”. I fell asleep listening to that podcast every night for a week, taking it all in and furiously scribbling down notes. It was so groundbreaking for me and every word that you spoke really resonated with me. Thank you for inspiration and words of wisdom.” — M.

Love & Sequins #3: LOVE, SEX, THE GALAXY & EVERYTHING — From falling in love to co-habitation, & all the beauty & madness contained within!

“Gala, I loved this one! I listened to it as soon as you sent it. I’ve always been kind of a cynic when it comes to love, but I think I’m ready to let my guard down and take the plunge. The ‘love self-evaluation’ and ‘figuring out what you want from a partner’ parts stood out the most to me, and I’m definitely going to take the time to write and reflect on these areas. Thank you so much!” — D.

“This was supermegaawesome good! I like the way it flows and sounds natural… Like you’re whispering good advice in my ear! And also I was walking my dog while listening to this and 3 or 4 times I just burst out laughing at some of the things you said; a lot of strange looks! Please keep this up, they’re all super good and I really do owe a lot to you!” — V.

Love & Sequins #4: A GUIDE TO MANNERS FOR THE MODERN MINX — Etiquette, social graces & charming the pants off total strangers for the uninitiated!

“i just listened to this & it’s SO helpful, you have no idea. thank you, thank you, thank you! i’ve always been pretty socially awkward & it’s only gotten worse the past year or two & i’ve really been wanting to change that, but never knew where/how to start… i’m sure i’ll listen to it many more times :] & absolutely do the homework.” — M.

“Gala, you have truly hit the spot once more! I sat there nodding to myself, smiling with recognition, laughing out loud and thinking WOW this girl inspires me to change the world too as I listened to the 4th Love&Sequins. Thank you so much wonderful!” — A.

Love & Sequins #5: FINDING HAPPINESS & MAKING IT STAY — Choosing joy, making magic & devoting your life to love, adventure & deliciousness!

“Thank you Gala for this one. It is your best yet and came at a perfect moment as the universe so decided. Starting today I will be happier, stronger person, set my goals and achieve them. I will be happy because I can be and I am going to take responsibility for myself and my emotions and not blame it on anyone else. Thank you a million…think you gave me the push I needed to achieve my goal and be happy in the mean time. Thanks again! Stay magical stay wonderful stay powerful and never stop moving forward!!” — S.

“I can honestly say this is the best $12 you will ever spend. I’ve been seeing a psychologist for the past 6 months… What Gala has produced is that 6 months of therapy all wrapped up into an hour long podcast. Her advice about choosing how you react to situations is the most helpful life advice you may ever receive.” — K.

As always my beautiful, thank you so much for your support & encouragement!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Gala's Magical Guide To Getting Well

[ 20 October 2009, 10:17 ]

Recently, I was stricken with the death plague. Okay, it wasn’t quite that bad, but it was about a week of major congestion, epic nose-blowing escapades, a wicked cough & a voice that belonged to a cartoon crocodile smoking a cigarette. It was not fun, & despite being in a warm house (& hardly ever leaving it), wearing lots of clothes & eating good meals, I couldn’t seem to shake it.

...Until I asked my Twitter fiends friends for help, of course! The ideas poured in thick & fast, & I decided to give a whole bunch of them a try. Here’s what I did & what worked best. Hopefully they will help you too!

Eat a clove of raw garlic
Okay, not the most delicious thing, & it makes you stink. Not your breath, interestingly enough — but pretty much as soon as you swallow it, the smells starts to leak out of your pores. It’s quite funny really! It is excellent for keeping away vampires, obviously. So the best way to do this one is grab a clove of garlic, peel it, chop it into little pieces & swallow each piece with a big gulp of water like you were taking a pill. I swear that of all the things I tried, this did the most good. I did it twice, over two consecutive days, & I am convinced it took me from 20% health to 75%.

Liberal applications of Vicks Vaporub
Another stinky solution, yes, but it totally works! I rubbed it into my neck (front & back) & then wrapped up in a scarf. I also applied some to my chest & to the bottoms of my feet, & then put on big thick socks. You can’t really overdo Vicks, so don’t be afraid! I put it all over myself just after my raw garlic treatment & drinking my magical potion (see below!), & then climbed into bed (with my scarf & socks on), turned my electric blanket on, & slept for 5 hours. It was so good!

Put arnica cream wherever you’re sore
Typically when you’re sick, your muscles ache too. While a bath is probably the best cure for this, I was, at the time, staying in a house which didn’t have one. (Sacrilege, I know.) So the second-best thing to do is rub arnica cream into your sore muscles. Arnica is what they put on horses when they injure muscles, so you know it has a bit of oomph! Have someone loving rub it into your back, & thank me later.

Make yourself a magical potion
This one would be most fun if you were wearing a big black witches hat at the time, but if you can’t manage that, just pretend. My magical potion consisted of the juice of one whole lemon, two tablespoons of Manuka honey, two dissolvable painkillers (like Aspirin or Disprin), a big whack of ginger grated right into the cup, a generous pour of brandy, & a whole lot of boiling water. Stir it up & drink it down. If it gets cold, you can always microwave it. It would probably be a good thing to make a big batch of it & just sip it throughout the day, but I imagine you might get a bit blitzed. If that’s okay with you, go for it!

Rest
Easier said than done, sometimes, I know, but if you can manage it, get as much sleep as you can. Sleep is the time when your body is actually able to heal you up & fix you, so, to put it simply, the more sleep you get, the healthier you’ll be. If napping during the day is a luxury you cannot afford, just go to bed way, way earlier than usual. Isn’t your health worth more than an episode of The Girls Next Door? I thought so too!

Take insane “cold & flu” pills
Ideally the ones people use to manufacture crazy drugs from (i.e. the ones which contain pseudoephedrine). They tend to work the best. I haven’t taken cold/flu medicine in America, but my #1 recommendation in New Zealand is Codral. Nurofen Cold & Flu used to be my saving grace during winter, but they recently changed the formulation & it just doesn’t work like it used to. Boo. So anyway, pop some of those, they will make you feel human again. At least for a little while. But don’t take them forever, because you’ll build up a resistance while simultaneously destroying your liver. Gross…

Take your vitamins
A good multivitamin should be part of everyone’s daily routine, but if it isn’t, now’s a good time to start. Echinacea is great in large (& I do mean large) doses, & you should load up on some of those fizzing vitamin c tablets, too!

Stick your head over a steaming bowl of hot water
This is one of the best ever ways to clear out your sinuses. It’s also really good for your skin but that is just an incidental bonus! Boil the jug & pour it into a big bowl. Then stick your face over it, & throw a towel over your head to trap all the heat inside. The idea is to breathe in as deeply as you can. It will clear up any congestion you have very quickly. If you have peppermint or eucalyptus essential oil on hand, a drop (just one!) of that added to the water will work miracles too.

It seems like everyone gets sick when the seasons change! What’s your #1 tip for curing the death plague? Your tips will definitely help out a sniffly nonpareil somewhere around the globe!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Love & Sequins #5 Is Live!

[ 18 September 2009, 21:07 ]

Ooh la la! It has arrived! This morning I put the sparkling finishing touches on the most recent instalment of Love & Sequins, my personal guidebook to being a love letter to the universe!

Digital copies of it are whizzing all over the world as we speak, arriving with a puff of glitter into the inboxes of international playgirls, continental sweethearts & psychedelic disco ghouls across the planet!

Love & Sequins #5: FINDING HAPPINESS & MAKING IT STAY — Choosing joy, making magic & devoting your life to love, adventure & deliciousness!

In it, I talk about filling your life with enchantment, how our words create our world, surrounding yourself with incredible people, rising above your critics (boo hiss!), dismantling troublesome patterns, how to really make yourself happy & a bouquet of breathtaking mantras to literally transform your life! (No kidding!)

Clocking in at over 11,400 words (!!!), it is the most comprehensive chapter of Love & Sequins so far! In a delicious new format with yummy pictures & good-lookin’ formatting, it’s definitely the most enjoyable, useful & fabulous instalment yet!

I’m extremely excited about it, I think the content is super-practical & inspiring! It’s perfect for anyone who finds their moods sometimes get the better of them, if you’ve been wallowing in a case of the doldrums or if you just want to bring more happiness into your life!

The timing is ideal too for those of you sliding into winter or poking your heads out into the spring sunshine!

You can snap it up for $12! Otherwise you can subscribe monthly for $10 (& you’ll get the back issues you missed), or you can buy them all at once for $7 each!

The back issues are pretty wonderful, too! You can pick ‘em up here!

Love & Sequins #1: LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF — Self-adoration, manifesting your ideal persona, channelling your inner Marie Antoinette & everything in between!

“This podcast has been tremendously helpful. It has indeed resonated deeply in all of the tiny crevices of my being where I’ve been hiding my hopes and dreams and instead allowing myself to be swallowed by fear and doubt. I couldn’t agree more that we all know that self-confidence and self-love are the root of success, of living the positive inspired lives we all dream about. And yet, until now it escaped me that I could practice at being confident. That I could slowly develop these skills over time. I had a huge a-ha moment – of course it won’t happen overnight! Of course it’s about making small changes, adjusting my mindset and perceptions in the moment… Thank you for letting your own light shine as it has given me permission and inspiration to do the same. I’m deeply grateful.” — L.

“Dude. I’m just listening to your podcast now. Honestly, I was a little apprehensive because I’ve noticed your content on iCiNG has changed a little. This is the stuff. SIGH! RELIEF! CONGRATULATIONS. Don’t ever forget how much the ‘nonpareils’ have their hearts out there for you. Me included always always always. You’re just GOOD, you know? Substantial and full of perspective, dripping with sticky as honey vocabulary. Plus your voice is so badass.” — S.

Love & Sequins #2: THE SMART GIRL’S GUIDE TO BUSINESS — Taking control of your life, finding your passion, loving what you do & making mad bling!

“Thank you so much for your inspiration. it really gave me the kick up the bum that I needed. I was always afraid to take a creative income path, for fear that my talent was lacking. I still have these insecurities, but I realise that right now, while I’m young, enthusiastic and motivated is the very best time to give it a shot. If it doesn’t work out, then I’ll try something different. if it is a success, then maybe it will give me the confidence to try some other more innovative ideas.” — V.

“I am writing to you in regard to a project that I started as a result of your lovely site. I guess you could call me one of your inspired non-pareils. Wikifashion began as an idea around one year ago and I never really had the “chutzpah” to give it a go until I purchased your podcast on “being your own boss”. I fell asleep listening to that podcast every night for a week, taking it all in and furiously scribbling down notes. It was so groundbreaking for me and every word that you spoke really resonated with me. Thank you for inspiration and words of wisdom.” — M.

Love & Sequins #3: LOVE, SEX, THE GALAXY & EVERYTHING — From falling in love to co-habitation, & all the beauty & madness contained within!

“Gala, I loved this one! I listened to it as soon as you sent it. I’ve always been kind of a cynic when it comes to love, but I think I’m ready to let my guard down and take the plunge. The ‘love self-evaluation’ and ‘figuring out what you want from a partner’ parts stood out the most to me, and I’m definitely going to take the time to write and reflect on these areas. Thank you so much!” — D.

“This was supermegaawesome good! I like the way it flows and sounds natural… Like you’re whispering good advice in my ear! And also I was walking my dog while listening to this and 3 or 4 times I just burst out laughing at some of the things you said; a lot of strange looks! Please keep this up, they’re all super good and I really do owe a lot to you!” — V.

Love & Sequins #4: A GUIDE TO MANNERS FOR THE MODERN MINX — Etiquette, social graces & charming the pants off total strangers for the uninitiated!

“i just listened to this & it’s SO helpful, you have no idea. thank you, thank you, thank you! i’ve always been pretty socially awkward & it’s only gotten worse the past year or two & i’ve really been wanting to change that, but never knew where/how to start… i’m sure i’ll listen to it many more times :] & absolutely do the homework.” — M.

“Gala, you have truly hit the spot once more! I sat there nodding to myself, smiling with recognition, laughing out loud and thinking WOW this girl inspires me to change the world too as I listened to the 4th Love&Sequins. Thank you so much wonderful!” — A.

As always, sugarpuff, huge thanks to you for supporting me in this endeavour, being so encouraging & always inspiring me to be bigger & better!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Bring Some Happy Into Your Week!

[ 14 September 2009, 20:09 ]

Hello! I’m back after a week-long holiday! I turned 26 on Sunday (yay!) & my birthday gift to myself was a week away from the internet. It wasn’t a perfect break (I can never really extract myself from its evil clutches!) but it was pretty good, & now I am back, feeling refreshed, energised & excited to go. I haven’t had a break that long in almost three years, since iCiNG started, so it was long, long overdue!

Here are some fun things you could do this week. What do you have on your agenda?

Monday 14th September 2009
Celebrate Nubby‘s birthday! Wear red, impersonate Michael Jackson & then pass out in all your clothing! (Aw, bless!) Alternately, celebrate the birthday of your favourite Virgo. There are plenty of Virgo writers, Virgo rappers & other rad people whose lives we should be excited about. (Some of my picks: Ani Difranco, Bill Murray, Fiona Apple, Frances Farmer, Greta Garbo, Janet Frame, Jeremy Irons, Jesse James, Michael Jackson, Milton Hershey, Roald Dahl & Tim Burton.) Wear a hat, blow up balloons, eat some cake & have a good time!

Tuesday 15th September 2009
As you recover from the previous day’s sugar coma, make time to go through your jewellery box & fix or re-purpose some of your old treasures. Brooches with the pins broken off or earrings with a mate missing can be made into pretty much anything you can think of. Glue pendants onto a broad headband, pin a necklace to the lapels of your blazer, or safety-pin a bunch of jewellery together & wear it all at once, around your neck. Very decadent darling!

Wednesday 16th September 2009
Take photos of your favourite places: your bed, your best friend’s bedroom, a café, the view from your roof. Get them developed on one of those clever Kodak machines you see around the place, then stick them into your journal, notebook, etc. I am always blown away when I see photos of my old habitats, it brings back so many memories.

Thursday 17th September 2009
Get excited about the new season coming! In New Zealand, it’s all blossoms & big blue skies: very beautiful, whereas in the United States I know the wind has started howling & people are breaking out the cardigans. Think about what you want to do with the rest of your year! Eat lots of soup? Take up running? Hibernate with your sweetheart or dazzle the city with your flirting prowess? Grab a piece of paper & make a big list of things you want to achieve. Stick it to your fridge & cross the items off as you go. (Nubby & I have one of these at International Playgirl HQ!)

Friday 18th September 2009
Read about Louise L. Hay (even better, get your hands on You Can Heal Your Life), & think of some affirmations you could use. Write them down, put them somewhere visible, & start saying them out loud whenever you see them. (You cannot possibly say them enough.) One of Louise’s ones that I really like goes, “I do the work I love, I work with & for people I really like, & I’m earning good money”. Remember to phrase it in the present tense (as if you have it now)! P.S. Look! There’s even a Louise L. Hay iPhone application! That’s the best use of 99 cents ever.

Saturday 19th September 2009
Do some research into continuing education. Many universities & community centres offer classes which only go for a couple of days or occur one night a week. The other day I was at lunch with my friend who has been studying ayurvedic medicine, & as she told me about it, it reminded me how wonderful it is to learn something new. Do a weekend class in photography, creative writing, sales, jewellery-making, Italian, gardening, dance, graphic design… whatever excites you!

Sunday 20th September 2009
Organise to have lunch with someone you wish you knew better. Pick one of your favourite places to take them, & then go on some kind of adventure afterwards. Take photobooth pictures, walk around a park & talk to people together, or go shopping for ridiculous vintage sunglasses. Maybe even all three. Doing something fun & magical will bond you together much faster than just having lunch would!

What do you have planned for this week?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Love & Sequins #4 Is Live!

[ 14 August 2009, 15:48 ]

Hooray! I am so excited to announce the fourth installment in my monthly series, Love & Sequins: Making Magic Happen!

Offered up for your reading & listening pleasure is A GUIDE TO MANNERS FOR THE MODERN MINX — Etiquette, social graces & charming the pants off total strangers for the uninitiated!

What started as a simple piece on manners has blossomed into 10,000 words on meeting people, the art of conversation, getting people to like you, table manners, making an incredible first impression, how to influence people, intercultural competence, proper dinner behaviour, improving your language, & a whole lot of ways to crank up your personal charisma! Essentially, the whole thing is about how to turn on the charm in every possible scenario.

So many of us have grown up either without having been taught manners at all, or purposefully ignoring what we were told as children — but unfortunately, as we grow up & into the world, we’re faced with the shocking reality that what we used to be able to get away with is no longer acceptable!

This is a charm school crash course, covering personal magnetism, grace & being delightful for lost girls & moguls-in-training.

I’m so proud of it, & there are absolute stacks of real, able-to-be-applied-straight-away advice, so I know you’ll totally love it! I learned more than I could have ever imagined just from writing it!

Single issues are $12 each. Alternatively you can subscribe monthly for $10 (& I’ll send you the ones you’ve missed!), or buy the whole lot at $7 a pop!

...& if you missed out on any of the previous episodes, you can grab them here!

Love & Sequins #1: LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF: Self-adoration, manifesting your ideal persona, channelling your inner Marie Antoinette & everything in between!

“I’m a bit older than a lot of your readers (ie 40!), but I still found it really releveant. And I believe this type of thing should be compulsory reading/listening for teenagers (I’m trying to word this without sounding/feeling 1200 years old … hmm!) Maybe you could create your own school … Galaverse High ?? With a pink sparkly uniform and a unicorn coat of arms. Seriously though, I think this sort of thing is way more beneficial than a geography or a maths lesson. After all, isn’t school meant to prepare you for life?” — K.

“If I could put to words how much I love and adore this podcast, I would, but ‘nuff said I completely fail at that. It’s just mind-blowingly, earth-shatteringly, toe-ticklingly (why yes, these are all actual words) cute and awesome, and on top of that so relevant! So important! I think absolutely everyone should hear this, Galaverse High doesn’t sound bad at all!” — J.

Love & Sequins #2: THE SMART GIRL’S GUIDE TO BUSINESS — Taking control of your life, finding your passion, loving what you do & making mad bling!

“Thankyou so much for your inspiration. it really gave me the kick up the bum that I needed. I was always afraid to take a creative income path, for fear that my talent was lacking. I still have these insecurities, but I realise that right now, while I’m young, enthusiastic and motivated is the very best time to give it a shot. If it doesn’t work out, then I’ll try something different. if it is a success, then maybe it will give me the confidence to try some other more innovative ideas.” — V.

“I finally developed the balls to register as self-employed this week and quite by chance have been offered my first self-employed gig. I teach adults, literacy and numeracy. So this time around I’ll be teaching young adults with learning difficulities, the basic literacy they’ll need to get them by in life generally and in work. But it has made me realise that anything is possible… I’m planning to keep on some employed work to pay the bills. But I’m planning to expand into online tutoring, proofreading and writing. I intend to be completely self-employed eventually. So thanks. Wouldn’t have done it if it weren’t for that podcast. They’re worth their weight in gold.” — A.

Love & Sequins #3: LOVE, SEX, THE GALAXY & EVERYTHING — From falling in love to co-habitation, & all the beauty & madness contained within!

“Gala, I loved this one! I listened to it as soon as you sent it. I’ve always been kind of a cynic when it comes to love, but I think I’m ready to let my guard down and take the plunge. The ‘love self-evaluation’ and ‘figuring out what you want from a partner’ parts stood out the most to me, and I’m definitely going to take the time to write and reflect on these areas. Thank you so much!” — D.

“This was supermegaawesome good! I really like the way it’s all starting to sounds more natural… But I like the way it sort of flows and sounds more natural… Like you’re whispering good advice in my ear! And also I was walking my dog while listening to this and 3 or 4 times I just burst out laughing at some of the things you said; a lot of strange looks! Please keep this up, they’re all super good and I really do owe a lot to you!” — V.

As ALWAYS, thank you so much for your support! I couldn’t do it without you! MWAH!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Love & Sequins One-Day SALE!

[ 9 July 2009, 08:30 ]

Say what?! OUI, it is true! Today ONLY, I’m having an enormous (& fabulous!) sale on the Love & Sequins series!

Love & Sequins is my handbook on being a love letter to the universe, delivered in scrumptious, sensational monthly installments. As well as receiving the text (at 10,000 words every month, it’s a good read!), I also read each chapter aloud & send it to you as an MP3 — perfect for listening to on the bus or when you’re all tucked into bed at night!

It’s a rad way to invest in yourself, or even your best friend (just email me about it!)... if I do say so myself!

HEY BIG-SPENDER! A year-long subscription to Love & Sequins bought all at once is usually $84, making it $7 a month. If you buy TODAY, I’ll knock the price down to $60 — only $5 a month! Incroyable! That’s a saving of $24, effectively giving you three (& a half!) chapters for NOTHIN’!

LITTLE BITES OF DELICIOUSNESS! If you’re more of a pick-&-choose kinda kid, today ONLY, individual chapters are a mere $9 each! Less than the price of a pack of cigarettes in New York City & much, much better for you! You’ll save $4 on each one — aaaaaaaamazing! — & you can pick up the installments you missed for a fab price!

Love & Sequins #1: LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF: Self-adoration, manifesting your ideal persona, channelling your inner Marie Antoinette & everything in between!

“I’m a bit older than a lot of your readers (ie 40!), but I still found it really releveant. And I believe this type of thing should be compulsory reading/listening for teenagers (I’m trying to word this without sounding/feeling 1200 years old … hmm!) Maybe you could create your own school … Galaverse High ?? With a pink sparkly uniform and a unicorn coat of arms. Seriously though, I think this sort of thing is way more beneficial than a geography or a maths lesson. After all, isn’t school meant to prepare you for life?” — K.

“If I could put to words how much I love and adore this podcast, I would, but nuff said I completely fail at that. It’s just mind-blowingly, earth-shatteringly,toe-ticklingly (why yes, these are all actual words) cute and awesome, and on top of that so relevant! So important! I think absolutely everyone should hear this, Galaverse High doesnt sound bad at all!” — J.

Love & Sequins #2: THE SMART GIRL’S GUIDE TO BUSINESS — Taking control of your life, finding your passion, loving what you do & making mad bling!

“Thankyou so much for your inspiration. it really gave me the kick up the bum that I needed. I was always afraid to take a creative income path, for fear that my talent was lacking. I still have these insecurities, but I realise that right now, while I’m young, enthusiastic and motivated is the very best time to give it a shot. If it doesn’t work out, then I’ll try something different. if it is a success, then maybe it will give me the confidence to try some other more innovative ideas.” — V.

“I finally developed the balls to register as self-employed this week and quite by chance have been offered my first self-employed gig. I teach adults, literacy and numeracy. So this time around I’ll be teaching young adults with learning difficulities, the basic literacy they’ll need to get them by in life generally and in work. But it has made me realise that anything is possible… I’m planning to keep on some employed work to pay the bills. But I’m planning to expand into online tutoring, proofreading and writing. I intend to be completely self-employed eventually. So thanks. Wouldn’t have done it if it weren’t for that podcast. They’re worth their weight in gold.” — A.

Love & Sequins #3: LOVE, SEX, THE GALAXY & EVERYTHING — From falling in love to co-habitation, & all the beauty & madness contained within!

“Gala, I loved this one! I listened to it as soon as you sent it. I’ve always been kind of a cynic when it comes to love, but I think I’m ready to let my guard down and take the plunge. The ‘love self-evaluation’ and ‘figuring out what you want from a partner’ parts stood out the most to me, and I’m definitely going to take the time to write and reflect on these areas. Thank you so much!” — D.

“This was supermegaawesome good! I really like the way it’s all starting to sounds more natural… But I like the way it sort of flows and sounds more natural… Like you’re whispering good advice in my ear! And also I was walking my dog while listening to this and 3 or 4 times I just burst out laughing at some of the things you said; a lot of strange looks! Please keep this up, they’re all super good and I really do owe a lot to you!” — V.

P.S. LINKS HAVE BEEN REMOVED BECAUSE THE SALE IS OVER! Mwah! Thanks so much for your support!

Okay, now back to your regularly-scheduled programming!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Help! My Mother Is Evil!

[ 8 July 2009, 13:48 ]

Tricky, tricky, tricky.

Here’s the thing: your mother is not perfect. She knows it, & you definitely know it! The biggest thing to remember about dealing with your mother — & every person you meet, actually — is that everything she says to you has been run through her internal filter. Her internal filter has been affected by her childhood, the things her parents said to her, the things she has tried to do & succeeded at, the things she has tried to do & failed at, her own personal belief systems & how happy she is with her own life.

It’s very possible that this is your mother’s way of showing you how much she loves you — by trying to prevent you from getting hurt. Of course, it’s not an awesome way of showing you, but she is doing the best she can with the knowledge she has. All parents can really do is try to improve on how their parents treated them. Look at her parents & the way they treated her: you might find a whole lot of light bulbs go off in your mind, & you’ll have a greater understanding of why she is the way she is.

There could be a bunch of reasons why she doesn’t support you in your adoration of this boy. Realistically, I think most parents don’t really ever want their kids to date. It brings up a whole lot of issues, like talking about sex & birth control, dealing with potential broken hearts, & even just facing the dreaded reality that their child isn’t a child any more! She might also have a problem with organised religion (a lot of people do), or she might be worried that your involvement with the church will cause huge chasms in your relationship with her.

When the people who are supposed to support us — like parents, teachers, friends — fail to be encouraging or positive, it can really hurt. After all, if they don’t have faith in us, what hope do we possibly have of being successful? Well, actually, you don’t need your parents’ blessing to do anything. It’s nice to have it, but it’s not compulsory, & when they don’t step up to the plate with love & inspiration, we can choose to react one of two ways. You can either decide that they’re probably right, & not try… or you can stick to your guns & go for it. Rally some people around you who do have faith in you, & start taking big strides towards your goal. Success is the best revenge, after all!

One thing I’ve learned is that support & encouragement can come from the most unusual places. Just because you & your mother are related to one another, that doesn’t mean you necessarily have each other’s best interests at heart, or know how to communicate with each other.

It’s not at all unusual for you to be able to relate better with someone who isn’t part of your immediate family. I know a lot of people whose families were so beastly that they don’t talk to them at all any more, & so have gathered around them people they respect who act as mentors or role models. Similarly, a lot of my friends regard their closest friends as their chosen family, & have very little to do with their mother, father, siblings, etc.

I totally relate to you checking out the church to see what it’s all about. When I was in my early teens, I also flirted with a bunch of religions or belief systems — Christianity, Paganism, Buddhism — because I was trying to work out who I was & what I believed in. They all had their appeal & things I liked about each, but eventually I realised it wasn’t really my thing, & so I went on my way. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you learning as much as you can about something which interests you; I think all religions & belief systems have valuable things to teach us. Just take it at your own pace, & do what feels right to you. (By the way, I think it goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway: you don’t need your mother’s permission to believe in God or obtain a new belief system!)

Being a teenager really SUCKS sometimes, & it’s hard enough to grow up & be sparkling with self-love even if you have the most wonderful parents in the world. When mothers & fathers join in on the hate brigade, it’s no wonder that so many teenagers go completely nuts. We all have a tough time living at home, which is why so many of us leave the first chance we get! (I moved out of home one day while my parents were on holiday in Europe!) I’m sure every nonpareil reading has horror stories galore about the trials & tribulations of being a teenager! The great news is that you only have two more years until you’re free to get out of there & do your own thing. You survived 16 of them, so another two shouldn’t be the end of the world!

Above all, please don’t let your mother’s own personal insecurities affect the rest of YOUR life!

Big kisses & lots of blessings for everything you choose to do.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Love & Sequins #3 Is Live!

[ 1 July 2009, 14:44 ]

Bonjour, bonjour!

It is with great delight that I announce the third installment of Love & Sequins: Making Magic Happen, my monthly series all about being a love letter to the universe. It is available now! Right now! I’m sitting here zapping hundreds of digital copies of it all over the world at this very instant!

This month, the chapter is LOVE, SEX, THE GALAXY & EVERYTHING — From falling in love to co-habitation, & all the beauty & madness contained within!

It’s all very timely, since I have been through so much romantic upheaval in the last year, from processing long-term break-ups to developing my international playgirl style & flitting around having intercontinental love affairs — & am currently deeply smitten by a certain Dish! So I have really been from one end to the other & all the way back again. Needless to say, I have given this subject some deep thought recently!

Love & Sequins #3 is bursting with hints, tricks & tips on all things love-related, from how to find your ideal sweetheart to learning your own secret love language. Written in the thick of a tumultuous New York summer from the air-conditioned bliss of my favourite coffeeshop, & recorded on the Dish’s bed with Hank asleep beside me, there are lots of love stories, shining examples of what NOT to do & plenty of hope for lovelorn, wide-eyed dreamers!

Single issues are $12 each. Alternatively you can subscribe monthly for $10 (& I’ll send you the ones you’ve missed!), or buy the whole lot at $7 a pop!

If you haven’t heard the other two, you pick up back issues any time!

Love & Sequins #1: LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF — Self-adoration, manifesting your ideal persona, channelling your inner Marie Antoinette & everything in between!

Love & Sequins #2: THE SMART GIRL’S GUIDE TO BUSINESS — Taking control of your life, finding your passion, loving what you do & making mad bling!

As always my star-kissed darlings, thank you so much for your support & encouragement with the Love & Sequins project! It means more to me than you could ever know. MWAH!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Mad Hatter's Day

[ 10 June 2009, 12:07 ]

Depending on where you live (& the way you read dates), Mad Hatter’s Day can either be June the 10th or October the 6th. Well, June 10th is today, so I say we celebrate it now! (There’s no reason why we can’t go back for a repeat performance in October — nor do you really need an excuse to wear a magnificent mantle.)

So what’s the deal with Mad Hatter’s Day? Well, it’s a celebration of the character from Alice In Wonderland, & you can do this in a number of ways, but the easiest thing to do is wear a hat.

Hats hats hats. I love my hats. My love affair with hats began very early, & started with my mother, who always said, “If you want someone to remember you, wear a hat”. (Perhaps I took that a step further with my candy-coloured tresses, hmm?) I adore seeing someone in the street in a hat, & wish more people would wear them. They are so incredibly chic & fabulous.

How can you work a hat into your outfit? Firstly, don’t be intimidated. Remember that your choice of head covering doesn’t have to be a floppy sunhat with a diameter of 100 centimetres (um, 40 inches)! You can go minimal with a beanie or snood (pin something a little sparkly to it to glam it up!), tie a vintage scarf around your noggin or affix an adorned slide to the side of your noodle!

Of course, if you do have a great hat, this is the perfect day to wear it, but don’t feel that you have to go the whole millinery hog. If you work customer service & have a headset on all day, a wonderful bonnet is going to be quite inconvenient. Just work with what you’ve got!

If you don’t have a hat, a plain headband will do in a pinch as you can stick virtually anything to it. A toy car? A gift bow? A firecracker? Use your imagination & be bold! Another place to look is in your boxes of Christmas ornaments — not the baubles, I’m thinking more like fake birds. Often they have clips on the bottom of them, so you can attach them to your hair with ease (but be careful when you take them out because the teeth are usually serrated)!

There are so many headbands around at the moment that you can totally take your pick. I have a huge selection, mostly bought from Forever 21, where they run around $2-$6 apiece. They’re adorned with all sorts of things, from flowers to butterflies to enormous grosgrain bows & they top off an outfit brilliantly. There are also faux-flower hair clips everywhere, which you can just slide into your hair at an angle for super style points.

Channel Isabella Blow (above left). She was known for her outrageous collection of hats & wore them with incredible style. She was quoted as saying that she liked wearing them primarily because they helped keep people away!

When she sported antlers to a lunch with Nicholas Coleridge, he reasonably inquired: “How are you going to eat with those on?” “Nicholas,” she replied to her then boss, “that is of no concern to me whatsoever.”

Here are a few ways that some stylish girls around the globe celebrated Mad Hatter’s Day…

On Mad Hatter’s Day, Isobel Oval took her dachshund (Dahl) for a walk, played the drums for a couple of hours & danced around her bedroom to old Hole records. She finished the day up at her favourite bar, where she sat with her boots up on the counter & kicked several boys asses at darts.

Lauryn met her best friend in a playground for a mad tea-party. They ate peach cobbler, hung upside down from tree branches & whistled show-tunes while swinging as high as they could.

Jane wore small flower hair-clips to a party in her neighbour’s garden. When she got sick of her neighbour’s husband hitting on her, she took off her shoes & sat in the fountain for an hour.

Audrey had intense cabin fever from sitting inside the house painting for 4 days straight — so she got gussied up & walked around the botanic gardens in the rain, while listening to Elliott Smith.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Love & Sequins #2 Is Live!

[ 1 June 2009, 09:20 ]

Hooray!

The second chapter of Love & Sequins: Making Magic Happen was sealed with a kiss first thing this morning, & is ready to be devoured by you! (For those of you who are new to iCiNG, Love & Sequins is the bare bones of my new big project, a delicious book about blowing kisses to the universe!)

The title is THE SMART GIRL’S GUIDE TO BUSINESS — Taking control of your life, finding your passion, loving what you do & making mad bling!

Written in New York City & recorded in Toronto, it weighs in at over 12,000 words, & the MP3 is an hour & a bit. I talk at length about my experiences as an independent business owner, discovering what you love to do, how to escape the corporate world, the lessons I’ve learned, what it’s like to make a living as a “blogger”, what it takes to be successful & much more!

This chapter of Love & Sequins is split into two parts. As a super-special treat, this chapter includes a half-hour long interview between the infamous, creative, prolific & extremely successful Molly Crabapple & I, recorded last month at International Playgirl HQ! We discuss starting your own business, being self-sufficient, how to manage your money, online personalities, the new professionalism & following your passion even when times get tough! It’s cute & hilarious, by turns serious & frivolous, & if you close your eyes you can pretend you’re sitting on my bed with us. There are even cabs blaring their horns outside, essential to the authentic New York City experience!

I’m so passionate about this topic, because since starting my business it is all I have really been interested in! I have so much to say about it, I could write an entire book on the subject — maybe one day I will!

You can purchase this podcast for $12, subscribe for a year & be billed monthly at $10, or pay for it all at once for $84 (a super-saving at $7 a month).

Once I receive notification that you’ve snapped it up, I’ll send you an email which has the complete chapter as well as a link to the MP3!

If after listening to #2 you want to go back & hear the first chapter, you can pick it up here!

As always, thanks for your support & enthusiasm! It means so much to me.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Love & Sequins #1 Is Live!

[ 2 May 2009, 08:29 ]

Hello!

I wanted to write & let you all know that the first installment of Love & Sequins: Making Magic Happen was sent out all across the world two nights ago — beamed straight from International Playgirl HQ into the homes of sweet nonpareils!

Like I said when I first announced the project, Love & Sequins is the bare bones of my new big project, a delicious book about blowing kisses to the universe.

The first installment is almost 10,000 words, & an hour long. The topic? LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF: Self-adoration, manifesting your ideal persona, channelling your inner Marie Antoinette & everything in between!

I’m really proud of it & I think you will totally love it. But don’t just take my word for it — here’s some feedback I’ve received!

“I just wanted to let you know how much i enjoyed the first installment of Love and Sequins. I was beginning to get impatient but it was totally worth the wait. I just finished listening to it, huddled under a doona, eating a cookie in my new house in Melbourne… Thank you again for this excellent installment in the Gala Darling saga. I look forward to the next episode.”

“I adore the idea of these podcasts! I assume they’re meant to be listened to on an MP3 player during a quiet & calm time, so I’m going to copy it to my music player. Though I have listened to the beginning on my computer, and have to say that it is wonderful so far! I’m sure loads of other iCiNG fans will agree when you upload it onto the site. One excellent quality of these ‘podcasts’ is that they’re so personal, as you write and speak it yourself and support the information with your own experience, which is truly fascinating.”

“Dude. I’m just listening to your podcast now. Honestly, I was a little apprehensive because I’ve noticed your content on iCiNG has changed a little. This is the stuff. SIGH! RELIEF! CONGRATULATIONS. Don’t ever forget how much the ‘nonpareils’ have their hearts out there for you. Me included always always always. You’re just GOOD, you know? Substantial and full of perspective, dripping with sticky as honey vocabulary. Plus your voice is so badass.”

“It’s f*cking BRILLIANT. Whoever didn’t pay for this is REALLY missing out. F*cking brilliant. Loved it.”

You can snap up this podcast alone for $12, subscribe for a year & be billed monthly at $10, or pay for it upfront — $84, which works out at $7 a month.

Clever nonpareil Becky had a great idea — these podcasts can easily be purchased for a friend & sent as a digital gift! If you want to do this, just let scribble me a note when you make the purchase, & I’ll set it up!

I also wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this exciting new chapter! It really means so much to me. Eternal luuuurve from the Galaverse to you!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Lightcasting Day: April 2009!

[ 24 April 2009, 14:49 ]

Eeeeeep! I almost forgot! Today is Lightcasting Day wherever you are on the planet — the day of the new moon, the day when it’s most powerful to do some manifesting & visualising & think about what it is you want out of the next month!

If you’re new to lightcasting, I wrote a guide to it a few months ago. Each sign has something different to focus on each month, so here’s what you might like to meditate on today or tomorrow!

Aquarius Start from the ground up. Take stock of the environment you grew up in, your early childhood, & how you treat yourself today. Choose to heal, to grow & leave the past behind.

Pisces How do you react to the world around you? How could you change the way you behave in order to alter your current reality? Try writing it out or talking about it with someone you trust; see what you can come up with.

Aries Give some thought to how much you value yourself, your time, your health. Basically, this weekend is about self-esteem. Every choice we make has a direct correlation to how much we love ourselves, so what are your choices saying about you?

Taurus Who do you think you are? It’s time to create a new persona & a new ego. Do you want to be wild or mild? Sweet or crazy? Honest or shrewd? Throw it all into a big mixing pot & start living it.

Gemini Switch up your routine & break rotten old patterns. If someone always talks to you in a way you don’t like, start reacting differently. Change habits which are unhealthy or make you feel bad about yourself.

Cancer Are you a social butterfly or a homebody? This coming month is all about your position in society. Think about the kind of social life you’d like to have, then start making it happen!

Leo How do you feel about your work? Does it fulfil you or does it leave you feeling empty & drained? What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind? This weekend, visualise yourself living & loving you ideal work.

Virgo Our beliefs are fluid, they change as we do. The things that used to be true for you may not be any longer. You may have thought having a job = security, but that’s not true any more. Don’t be afraid to shift your perceptions!

Libra Where do you draw the line with other people? Do you have trouble saying no? This month is all about boundaries & intimacy — it’s time to create new boundaries that make you feel good.

Scorpio You’re re-evaluating everything you’ve been connected to for a long time — like relationships, work, friends & even how you treat yourself. Heavy stuff! Try not to overburden yourself though, just ruminate!

Sagittarius When you change your day-to-day life, everything else changes too. It’s the perfect time to switch your routine, what you eat, how you exercise, & who you spend time with.

Capricorn Your inner child wants some attention! Our inner child is the part of us that dreams really big, with no regard for how to do anything. Listen closely this weekend & you’ll remember what it is you really want!

You can get a whole lot more information about your individual sign here! Enjoy your weekend!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Astro-Weirding Courtesy Of Retrograde Venus

[ 16 April 2009, 23:24 ]

Some of you may have noticed that the past little while has been… well, WEIRD, for lack of a better word. Especially in the romance universe. Mixed messages, insanely indecipherable behaviour & strange incompatibilities are all rife. It’s maddening. Why? Because Venus has been in retrograde, & has been since the 6th of March. This could explain a few things, hmm?! When planets retrograde, we often feel stuck or confused & unable to move forward. While this is extremely frustrating, it’s a great time to learn & reflect on our old patterns so we can change them & surge onwards to a bright new dawn.

Venus is the planet of love & creativity. It also rules beauty, aesthetics, friendships, marriages & pleasure, so when it goes retrograde, it can affect us in various ways. Arguments, misunderstandings & epic miscommunications are everywhere you turn, romances hit rocky territory, artists lose their mojo & writers feel uninspired. Ordinarily outgoing people want to hide in their houses, & even shopping for clothing or furniture can become a frustrating trial. Ex-boyfriends might start emailing you out of the blue — sentimental thoughts are higher than usual. You might be re-evaluating all your past relationships, as we often find ourselves being forced to deal with old issues during this time, & we could be drawn to more unconventional relationships (or people!) than would normally appeal to us. Yes, it can be a trying time. To see what Venus retrograde has really struck for you, this page from Cafe Astrology outlines what particular areas have been affected for each sign.

The good news is that Venus is going direct again this Friday/Saturday depending on where you are on the planet (see below). Even better, at the time it goes direct, Mercury trines Saturn, meaning mental powers are heightened & we all feel super-conscious & lucid.

Venus goes direct again at…
12.25pm Friday 17th April in Los Angeles
15.25pm Friday 17th April in New York
20.25pm Friday 17th April in London
5.25am Saturday 18th April in Sydney
7.25am Saturday 18th April in Wellington
(If your city isn’t listed, this time zone converter should do the trick!)

Hallelujah!

Mystic Medusa sent out a great message on her mailing list the other day with a couple of ideas of rituals you could do to usher in Venus going direct, & as I read it & thought ‘What a great idea!’, it occurred to me that there were a lot of other ways you could do this that were less pagan/squiffy/“new age” in nature. We are not all comfortable lighting a candle & waving around a stick of incense, right?

Firstly, though, why would anyone want to do a ritual just because the planets are changing? Well, really what it’s about is making a conscious decision to end a chapter in your life & start on a fresh new course. So often people say, “Okay, time for a change!” but it never comes to fruition. There are a multitude of reasons for this, but when you decide to do something, it can be really helpful to make a dedication to it through your actions. You can write a list of goals, you can restructure your time, etc., but you can also kick it all off with a ritual to get you on the right track. Plus… rituals can be really fun, always a good reason to do anything!

In this case, Venus going direct is a time to commit to what it is you want in the areas of love, friendship, creativity & pleasure. We create our own lives, after all — this is just another way of making that happen.

When you do a ritual of any kind that is intended to bring about change, really what you want to do is focus on what it is that you want while performing an action which helps crystallise your thoughts. Visualising is an awesome way to manifest things, but at the same time, it’s very “up there”, which means that a lot of people feel like they’re not really doing it right. Visualising while moving your body with intent is a great way to bring manifesting into the here & now & make it more concrete. (Ah yes, all that dabbling in wicca at age 14 — despite the fact that it concerned my parents a LOT — had its uses!)

Visualise can be a scary, new agey word to a lot of people but I’ll let you in on a secret — it’s really just a fancy way of saying “imagine”!

Here are a selection of ways that you can unite body & mind. Just remember to keep your intention in your head as you do them! Think about what it is you want to create in your own life, specifically in the realm of love, friendship & creativity. Maybe you want to patch things up with your boyfriend, heal old relationship issues, make new friends or start writing a book. Whatever it is, just fantasize about it as you do one of the following, or something of your own creation — I’d love to hear what you come up with!

Re-examine your creative space. Clear it out. Take down all the old pictures, fortunes, trinkets, clean them off & then add in some new things which fire you up in fresh ways.

Make a list of all of the beautiful things you can think of — then come up with a bunch of ways to celebrate them when Venus goes direct.

Write a letter to your ex. Be as angry as you like. Spew total filth. Throw blame around, feel the fury, wallow in it. Then read it aloud, & BURN IT. As you burn it, allow those problems to disappear with it.

Write down all the ways you can be a love letter to the universe, & choose a few to action!

Glue heart-shaped crystals to your face & go out dancing.

Write a letter to yourself, explaining why you’re so fabulous & what you are thankful for.

Hold hands with a friend & recite affirmations together.

Conjure up images of all your ex-lovers in your head, & instead of seeing them as the person who caused this or that, choose to see them as a flawed person who did their best to love you.

Similarly, think of the people who surround you currently & decide to focus on their best & most positive qualities. No point dwelling on what could be different!

Buy a corkboard & pin up a bunch of pictures which symbolise what it is you want to attract into your life. Put on fun music, go mad with scissors, enjoy yourself! (Corkboards are good for making vision boards because while you want to see them regularly, sometimes you don’t want other people to see them… So you can always put them in a closet or under the bed when you have company!)

Make a little speech as you dedicate yourself to beauty & integrity.

Go through old love letters & throw them out — just ditch that cobwebby energy — OR pick the best ones, & frame them as an example of what it is you’re seeking. Just remember not to attach to the person who wrote them, unless of course you want them back!

Create a playlist of your favourite music, grab your hula hoop & headphones, go out & dance in the sunshine & revel in the wonder of the everyday.

Invite your lover — or someone you’re having issues with — & tell them that you both have fifteen minutes to get past garbage off your chests. You can make notes in preparation if you want. You have fifteen minutes to say your piece, & when the clock strikes half past, you have to both let it go & make up. Use your imagination!

Repot old plants & see them as a symbol of change, growth & evolution.

Meditate.

Dress in pink & throw yourself a belated Valentine’s Day-esque party.

Journal. Ask yourself questions, & answer them. What could you let go of to bring more positivity into your life? What fears are holding you back from doing that? In which areas are you willing to make change?

Think of an old conversation you had — one that is affecting you to this day (most of us have hundreds we can draw upon in a heartbeat) — & recite it as accurately as you can. Then recite it again, but this time, imagine it went a different way — a way that would have left you feeling good. Visualise this actually happening as clearly as possible. Then let it go.

Think about the ways you can take action in your life to change what has been bothering you for the past couple of months. Venus retrograde is really about observing & becoming aware of problems, not necessarily taking any concrete steps towards change, so consider what you could do now to shake things up.

Write notes to your friends outlining why you love them & what you appreciate about them.

Clear out the space in which you typically “get busy” — whether that’s your bedroom, kitchen (oh!), or the back seat of your Jeep… Get rid of dying plants or flowers (bad feng shui!), bring in some colour, vacuum, make it somewhere you really want to be!

Dispose of all the old energy following you around by getting a bit OCD on it. Clean everything. Change your bedding, wash your clothes, take off all the jewellery you wear regularly & clean it, dust, mop, etc.

The most powerful time of the transit is the hour that Venus goes direct — so the half hour on either side of the times stated above. So if you’re in London, kick off at about 8pm, & see if you can draw it out until 9.

Best of luck!

Extra For Experts:
If you want to come up with your own way of celebrating or ritualising Venus going direct, these resources might help you!
How to Create a Ritual or Ceremony from Spiritual Integrity.
New Moon Manifestation Ritual from About.com. This is new moon specific but still useful.
Ritual & Ceremony by Zan Benham.
Dance as ritual & transformation from The Hindu newspaper.
A Self Love Ceremony from About.com.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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The International Playgirl Credo

[ 31 March 2009, 12:44 ]

For some of us, travelling is an ever-present reality, while for others, it’s something that happens only once in a while. Regardless, when it comes to skipping across the planet, you can either do it with style & panache… or you can run around flustered, making a mess of things. Here are a few things I’ve learned over the past year or so — & I’d love to hear your own travelling tips!

Always take a scarf on the plane. Even if it’s warm & you don’t need it, you can always throw it over your head as an impromptu Do Not Disturb signal.

Ensure your laptop & MP3 player are fully charged before you board. Some planes have power outlets underneath the seats, but it’s better to be safe than techless!

Always know how much time your airline requires for you to check in. Always.

JetBlue is awesome. If you can fly with them, do. They are totally amazing.

Recognise that every person on the journey is a gift. (Even the annoying ones.)

Keep mementos.

Always have business cards (or in my case, postcards) to give to people.

Cultivate relationships wherever you go — you never know how this or that person could impact your life, even if you just speak to them for ten minutes.

Realise that not everything is going to go to plan — but every time it doesn’t, you will learn something valuable. My father always told me we learn more from failure than success, & he was right.

Embrace the weirdness.

Say yes.

Take one day a week to do absolutely nothing. Otherwise you will collapse in a shivering heap with your face in a plate of macarons, which is not so chic.

When you see well-dressed or immaculately coiffed people in the street, ask them where they go to shop or for beauty treatments. You will not regret it.

Yelp.

Always keep a book of local stamps tucked into your purse or wallet. It will make it much more likely that you’ll send postcards.

Ask the locals what they recommend.

Learn the art of meticulous suitcase packing. (My tips? Roll your clothing & group similar items — i.e., put all stockings/tights/socks in a zip-lock bag. It makes it much easier to find things.)

Be organised. Write down your flights & reference numbers. Keep all your travel documents in one place. Be at least 70% packed the night before you go.

Don’t overburden yourself with a huge list of things to do in every city. You probably won’t be able to do them all & you’ll freak yourself out trying.

Enjoy the small things. Sometimes supermarket shopping can be an immensely exciting experience when everything in there is unfamiliar!

Sublease where possible. Usually a month’s sublet is about the same price as a week in a hotel.

...But spend a couple of nights in a boutique hotel if you can.

Learn how to be a good house-guest.

Remember your vitamins. This is a two-parter: first of all, remember to take them with you. Secondly, remember to put them somewhere that you will see them!

Drink lots of water, especially if you’re doing a lot of walking.

Take comfortable shoes. They do not need to be ugly. I feel like I have trekked all over the planet in my Frye boots, & they have served me extremely well.

Take high heels for fancy dinners & exciting parties.

Eat salad every day to help keep you going.

Know thy baggage allowance, or you will be punished accordingly!

If your ride to the airport has their own concept of time, tell them you need to be there earlier than you actually do.

Keep in touch with the people you meet. Email them the next day if you can.

Buy local magazines to find out what’s really going on where you are.

Book flexible air tickets. You never know what will happen…

Travel insurance is worth the peace of mind. Especially if you have an accident or get sick.

If you’re travelling with someone else, have days where you both go off alone & do your own thing.

Offer to help people where you can.

Don’t be afraid to change your plans.

Have your travel agent request a special meal.

Learn to adapt, quickly.

Wear shoes you can just slip off when you fly. It makes getting through security about a billion times faster.

Don’t be afraid to be friendly to TSA & airport officials. They are bored. Make their day a little better, & sometimes they’ll reward you. (I have been serenaded by TSA workers more than once.)

Take snacks. Always.

Don’t plan too far ahead if you can help it.

Marvel at the kindness of strangers.

Stay open.

Enjoy & adopt local colloquialisms, but hold onto your old ones. They make up who you are — plus, people will find it charming.

Ask questions, especially of locals who you befriend. Most people love to show off the place they live in.

Call home, but not all the time.

Always have a spare, charged camera battery in your purse.

Always, always, always carry a can of dry shampoo!

Document what you do. Write a journal, take photos or film, draw pictures of things you see, whatever — like Leonard Cohen says, “I hope you’re keeping some kind of record“.

If you do decide to write a journal, make time to do it. I find that when I’m travelling & on a hectic schedule, I get to play journal catch-up on planes. You might want to make brief notes every night, though — otherwise it’s very easy to forget entire days.

Before you go, do some research. Read books about the place, engage in some clever Googling, search the city’s name on Flickr & see what you can find.

Relax.

Do your very best to get enough sleep.

Splurge where you can.

Buy something cool, so that when people ask, “Where did you get that?!”, you can say, “Oh, in Paris/Leipzig/Vancouver…”

Get a frequent flyer card with every airline you can.

Make friends with Kayak.

Wear something comfortable on the plane.

Subscribe to airline newsletters so you get the inside scoop on any deals they have going.

Maintain transcontinental friendships. It’s always more fun to visit a place where you have friends.

Try new things.

Finally, remember that we travel because we’re seeking something different. This is to say, don’t go somewhere else & expect it to be like what you’re used to. If you want things to remain the same, stay at home!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Jealousy Is The Killer Of GIRL LOVE

[ 18 March 2009, 17:25 ]

“Being a sexy & powerful female is one of the most subversive projects of all. (We are the priestesses of a new kind of power oh yeah.) We know we are not like this due to any weird gene formation or luck or trick. We are how we are from working together with our eyes open & having experiences & getting help from our moms & friends. We vow to struggle against the “j” word (jealousy) the killer of GIRL LOVE. We are not special, anyone can do it. ENCOURAGEMENT IN THE FACE OF INSECURITY is a slogan of the revolution.” (Introduction from Bikini Kill: A Color + Activity Book // source)

Why do girls dislike other girls — or find it almost impossible to make a female friend that they can stick to for a while? Well, let’s test something out. Raise your hand if you have ever thought any of the following things.

She’s so much prettier than me. I wish I had thighs like that. Why is her complexion so flawless? Man, she’s so outgoing. She seems really popular. I bet she never feels lonely like I do. I never know what to say & she always has the perfect comeback. So many guys like her. Why doesn’t anyone look at me like that? How come I never get any attention the way she does? How come she doesn’t have to work as hard as I do? Why does everything seem to happen so easily for her? She is so beautiful. I wonder if she’s had surgery. I bet she has an eating disorder. What’s her flaw? Why does he like her & not me? Why does she always get invited out & not me? She’s so talented. I can’t do anything as well as she can. How can she live a lifestyle like that? I bet some dude pays for everything. How come I don’t have that arrangement? I hate her. I hate myself. Why do I suck so much?

...Yeah, me too. So what do the sentences above have in common?

They all involve competition or us comparing ourselves to someone else
They always assume that we come up short, or as the “loser”
They all invalidate us
They assume that we know the full story
They all have jealousy as a root cause

As the old cliché goes, the grass is always greener, & it’s easy to look at someone else’s life & feel like you don’t measure up — or to assume that their life is perfect, flawless, a field of daisies at all times. No one’s life is perfect, which is not to say that we shouldn’t do our best to improve ourselves, but it’s worth remembering. Everyone has their own pain, no matter how beautiful, wealthy, famous or talented they are — & everyone gets jealous sometimes! You are not a weird freak. I promise.

So many of us are raised to believe that other women are competition, that we are locked into a constant game of who-is-prettier, who-can-get-the-dude, who-has-a-better-job, who-can-lose-their-baby-weight-fastest, etc., & IT IS ALL NONSENSE. WHO CARES. IT IS NOT IMPORTANT. Trust me on that one. Sure, you can indulge in that if you want, but there is always going to be someone hotter, faster, smarter, more cunning than you. Those victories — the Prettiest Girl Cup, the Bilionaire-Boning Medal, the Well-Paid Wonderwoman Triathlon — if you ever have them, are short-lived & empty, because then you actually have to get on with living your life, & truthfully, no one is really watching you anyway. They are too concerned with their own thing. Stop living your life for an imaginary audience & make yourself happy!

One thing I’ve noticed over the last few years is that if you’re really happy with yourself & your life, or if you become that way after years of self-loathing or misery, the way that you interact with other people & the world around you completely changes. For example, a few years ago I disliked humanity so much that I would practically go around daring people to prove my assumptions right. I think I probably had a laundry list of people I hated. I would meet up with my friends & we would gossip & talk shit about the people we had met who had managed to evoke our ire (not a difficult task at the time, I was really looking for any excuse to be pissed off). I loathed my job(s). All my friends hated their jobs too. I felt stuck, I had very low self-esteem, & my only friends were really people I drank with on the weekends. It never ran any deeper than that, which I resented, too. I would read the blogs of people I disliked & leave scathing anonymous comments. I complained about everything. Long story short, I was an epic drag to be around.

So how did I manage to flip my perspective on girl friendships? I don’t have a step-by-step for you, unfortunately, but even if I did, we all have our own processes. It seemed like it just happened, but really it didn’t. It was an unexpected bonus of having done so much work on myself. If you think of your beliefs & values, all that stuff that makes you you, & envision it as a big rug, well, I had been hanging that rug outside for two years, beating it mercilessly to make room for new stuff in my life. I had been using EFT & healing techniques & combing over all my beliefs, deciding to change all the things which didn’t serve me any more. It probably had something to do with the fact that now I felt like I was worthy of having real friends, too. So one day, I woke up & realised I had a bunch of really incredible female friends. Bonus.

Similar to the way in which if you’re happy with yourself & your life, you don’t trawl the internet being nasty, if you’re happy & have good self-esteem, you don’t view other girls as competition any more either. As with anything, when you notice a problematic pattern which keeps repeating itself, it’s time to look at what you’re doing to contribute to it. After all, the only constant is you…

One thing that can be useful is to grab a pen & paper & write down the exact reasons why you’re jealous of this girl or that one. Be really honest. Even if the reason is something totally shallow like, “Her thighs don’t touch & mine do”. Put it down. THEN, & here’s the key, look at that thing & work out why you place so much value on it. Think about your life & where this belief that that particular thing is important came from. If you don’t like Meredith because she gets attention from guys wherever she goes, work out why you feel like you need that. Did you always want love you never got from your father or some other male role model? Consider these things & process them. Often when you dissect it down to the bare bones, you’ll realise that it’s actually kind of a nothing reason, just something you have an emotional attachment to or involvement with. Knowing yourself is important — it’s powerful. You can then take that information & let go of it however you want: meditation, EFT, rituals, or just deciding that it doesn’t serve you any more & letting it go.

When you’re happy with who you are & you feel a lot of love in your everyday life, which, by the way — if it isn’t a reality for you already — is totally possible & achievable, it’s much easier to turn those little snarls of jealousy into something positive. For example, I used to feel really threatened by beautiful girls, & sometimes I still am. I have a teeny tiny freak-out in my head, like, “Man, if I’m standing around with them, I am totally going to be the ugly friend...”, but then I take a deep breath, & I let it go. I spin it around, & remember how much I love them as people, how much fun it is to look at them across a table, & what great additions they make to photos!

I suppose if my super-pretty friends acted like super-turds, it would he harder to flip my view, so maybe that’s something to keep in mind! Hunt out people who are fun, pleasant & act with integrity! They’re much more likeable by default & you won’t be constantly trying to dig up their positive attributes to balance out your jealousy about the shape of their eyes, size of their hips, number of active suitors, etc.

One of the keys to this whole thing is learning to appreciate other people for who they are. Van Gogh was probably a better painter than you are, but are you jealous of him? I doubt it. It’s much more likely that you think he’s brilliant, & if you ever got to hang out with him, you’d tell him how much you liked his work, & maybe you’d try to learn something from him. I think we need to approach friendships the same way. Be incredulous & impressed & unattached. Other people feel like that about you too, you know.

Another thing to bear in mind is that you can build really true, strong friendships if you shift your focus to the positive when you’re together. Instead of meeting up & plotting ways to destroy other people’s relationships — or whatever it is you do — talk about your goals for the future, describe who you’re in love with, speak about beautiful things. No truly happy girl is going to want to be friends with someone who talks badly about everyone they know. (I have met plenty of people in the last couple of years, which has been amazing, but even when it comes to good, well-intentioned people, if I notice that they gossip a lot or talk about other people all the time, I just don’t get that close to them…)

As for actually making friends, I strongly believe that once you have your attitude & beliefs about friendships lined up, it will just happen. But if you want some clues, here are mine: Make yourself available to people (but don’t harass anyone). Be friendly. Smile. Ask questions. Make yourself useful. Help out. Laugh. Do adventurous things together — it bonds you more than just getting coffee, & gives you something to talk about later. Trust that it will all work out — the best friendships don’t require constant maintenance or fretting! & if something amazing happens to your friend, don’t be afraid to say to them, “I’M SO JEALOUS!”. Being open about it & actually expressing that to them takes a lot of the weight off.

Don’t be intimidated by other women — we are here to help one another. We all want more friends, we all want cute phone-calls, we all want hugs & kisses & ridiculously fun photo opportunities. None of us are perfect, & that’s cool, & our preoccupations with our own flaws don’t have to control us.

Have you had to deal with jealousy in a friendship? What did you do about it?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Be The Best House Guest Ever (& Always Get Invited Back)

[ 16 March 2009, 13:46 ]

Here is my disclaimer: This is NOT me saying that I am the ultimate house-guest, because I’m certainly not. In fact, someone I stayed with once called me an “impossible diva” (who, moi?!!) & tossed me out unceremoniously on the street! What this is really meant to be is a reminder, maybe an idealistic manifesto of how Mother Theresa might behave were she to hunker down on someone’s sofa-bed for a week…

Be respectful
I think this is always, always, always the most important thing, & we all have the ability to show this in different ways, so it’s up to you as to how you do that.

However, if you’re kind of stumped as to what that means, one really obvious way in which you can do this is by leaving things the way they were. This seems like a small thing but I think about it all the time. People — & by this I’m talking specifically about whoever is hosting you — like their lives the way they like them. They have systems, ways of doing things. The very best way, in my opinion, to make staying with them palatable for everyone involved, is to integrate yourself into their life as seamlessly as possible. In practical application, I mean maintaining the routines they already have going. Do they leave their shoes at the door? Do they keep their toilet seat up or down? Do they automatically wash every dish they use or do they let them soak? Do they replace the caps on their bottles of shampoo? Where do they hang their towels?

I know that when I have people stay with me, I always really appreciate it if they take notice of the way I behave & then do as much as they can to behave in a similar way. I don’t leave open containers of food lying around, I always put the toilet seat down (good feng shui!), I try to keep things tidy & I make my bed every day. These little things just make my life easier. This is how I behave. So if someone comes over & they leave food around, or the seat up, every time I see that, it’s a little reminder that I am not by myself, that there is someone else here, & that if I want my life to continue as normal, I am probably going to have to pick up their slack. Even the world’s most patient person begins to get frustrated by this after a while, because after all, our homes are our sanctuaries.

Other ways to be respectful of someone’s space include taking your loud, hour-long, high-pitched phonecalls outside, not putting your shoes on the furniture, cleaning up any messes you make & not spending half the day in the bathroom. Obviously though, we tend to take cues from whoever we’re staying with, so if their nightly ritual involves jumping on their bed in muddy gumboots, you might as well join in! (Yay, bed-jumping!)

Establish some ground-rules
To avoid doing something that is unintentionally offensive or troublesome, you might like to ask who you’re staying with if they have any house rules. Believe me when I say that this will make your life a lot easier. Some people have bizarre rules, too, that you might never guess. So ask them what they expect from you, & then hold up your end of the bargain!

Also, do what you say you’ll do. If you say you’re leaving on Tuesday, leave on Tuesday! I don’t think I need to explain why this is important!

Try to contain your sprawl
Okay, this can be hard, but it’s worth persevering with.

The first day you get in, you put your suitcases in a relatively out-of-the-way place, sit down for a cup of tea & collapse into wherever you’re sleeping — bed (lucky!), sofa-bed, air-bed, couch, floor or cozy closet. The next day you wake up & you have to find an outfit. If you’re a guy you probably have an advantage in that you change your t-shirt, socks & underwear & you’re pretty much good to go. Girls, on the other hand, typically want to wear something completely different every day, which presents its own unique challenges.

So you drag your suitcase from where it was, mostly disguised behind the couch or wherever, & the madness begins. At first you lift things up to try & find what it is you’re looking for, but when that doesn’t seem to work, you start ripping things out at full speed, throwing them over your shoulder & making a fabulous mess. Of course, nothing really goes back the way it should, so once you’ve dressed yourself, your suitcase bulges, half-open, tulle petticoats & lingerie spilling out like pretty, elaborate vomit, & a selection of other, smaller bags scattered around it (handbag, cosmetics bag, random tote bag…). & so it continues in this manner, getting gradually worse & worse, until you finally leave (but not before sitting on your suitcase so it will finally zip up) & your hosts breathe a sigh of relief.

You know, you can save yourself an awesome amount of pain if whoever you’re staying with can just provide somewhere for you to hang your things. At least, your most-worn things: your oversized cardigan, your leather jacket, your scarf, whatever. Ditto on having somewhere to put your shoes, though that tends to be considerably easier to arrange. But sometimes there really is nowhere for you to put your stuff.

I think you know what I’m going to say: just try not to take over the entire living room with your belongings. Zip your suitcase at least half-way. Try to stack things in an orderly fashion. Line up your shoes. Do what you can to reduce the visual clutter. Just make a bit of an effort, because it will make a big difference.

If the person you’re staying with has to do side-turns & strange shuffles to get past your collection of tea-kettles, or WHATEVER it is you have in that enormous bag, they are going to get miffed. Quickly. So it’s really in your best interests to keep your eye on your own personal sprawl. I set fire to someone’s shoes once. I’m just saying!

Strike a balance
There’s nothing worse than someone who constantly asks you for permission to do this or that, but at the same time, opening your door to some kind of hurricane-person who leaves their toenail clippings all over your bedspread is pretty bad too.

Do your thing, but be considerate. We all have different ideas of what is acceptable or “normal”, but I think you understand what I mean. Allow who you’re staying with to live their life as simply as possible, but don’t be afraid to ask them if you can’t find something or you’re not sure about how the shower works. (Showers, man. Every single one is different. I wish the people who make showers would just get it together!)

Be charming!
Perhaps this should go without saying, but if you’re a pleasure to be around, it’s more likely than not that your host will be sad to see you go. We’ve spoken about charm before, but remember that this extends beyond just smiling & saying please & thank you. It also means taking an interest in your host’s life as well as making conversation with any of their friends who you happen to meet. If you can’t do those things, maybe you should stay with someone you like better!

Pitch in
This can take a number of forms, from helping put the groceries away, to clearing dirty dishes, to buying your host dinner or introducing them to someone you think they’d adore. People don’t like to feel as if they’re being taken advantage of, & I don’t mean to sound like your mother or anything, but you’re not staying in a hotel — so don’t treat it like one. You’re in someone else’s space, & a great way to show your gratitude for that fact is by being useful or helpful. You get it, you understand, I know you do!

The way in which you help out doesn’t have to be generic, either — I have bought strange-looking exotic plants, placed Band Aids on bleeding thumbs & re-organised bedrooms in the last 3 weeks, all as a way of saying “thanks so much” for letting me stay.

Leave something when you go, by which I do not mean a radical case of avian flu or an incredible collection of lipstick-stained cigarette butts. Something nice! Or at least useful.

How about flowers or a plant which doesn’t require a lot of work? (A moth orchid is always a good call.) You can also chip in grocery or fuel vouchers, buy chocolates, write a long love letter outlining all of your host’s exceptionally positive qualities, or replenish things you noticed they were running low on. Pretty much everyone appreciates these sorts of gestures, & if they don’t… that’s their problem, innit?

What are your favourite, time-tested, tried-&-true ways of ensuring your time in someone else’s house goes well? Who is the worst house-guest you’ve ever had? How about the best? What did they do that made them so much more fun to have around than anyone else? Let us know in the comments!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Disneyland Chic

[ 9 March 2009, 17:25 ]

Dressing for Disneyland — or Disneyworld — is a multi-faceted affair.

While the unofficial uniform of Disney guests appears to be jeans & a t-shirt, & no one clad in that garb seems to be complaining, Disneyland is an amazing place, & I think a special effort should be made. After all, the photo opportunities are unparalleled — when you look back at your snaps from the day, odds are excellent that you’ll wish you hadn’t worn that shirt with the stains & your old running shoes!

However, it’s not as simple as just throwing on your most ridiculous ball gown, because it might not fit into the roller-coaster cars… & a pair of fabulous heels may look beautiful but it won’t be worth the anguish, since a day at Disney is long! So how do you strike a balance between looking cute & still being able to run around like a nut?

Exhibit A: The Footwear

Think about your shoes. Realistically, they’re the most important part of your outfit. If you’re really cold & worst comes to worst, you can always borrow your friend’s sweater or buy something in one of the Disney shops — but if your feet hurt, your day is pretty much over already. It sounds simple but it’s true: it’s hard to be happy if you’re wearing uncomfortable shoes.

Yesterday I wore my Frye Veronica Shortie boots, while Jazzi wore her patent leather Doc Martens & Nubby wore her Chloe combat boots. We are all typically fans of high heels & going for the most ridiculous footwear we can find, but today practicality won out so we could spend as much time as possible at the happiest place on earth.

Having said this, even though we wore our most comfortable shoes, we were all in agony by the end of the day & taking every opportunity we could to sit down… I suppose this is why the shoe of choice at Disneyland appears to be sneakers. Whatever you wear, I would recommend throwing some of those cushy padded gel insoles into the mix.

Exhibit B: The Outfit

Time to consider what you’ll actually wear. This is the really meaty part of your ensemble, since it’s what most people will see (& what will be visible in the majority of your photos). So how do you want to rock it?

Gala wore…
Sequinned ears (I took my ‘Gala’ maus hat but also bought pink sequinned ears & a pink discoball hat with ears, so they were all on rotation)
Oversized New York t-shirt
Pyramid stud belt
Yellow tulle petticoat (bought from secret vintage treasure trove!)
Sequinned jacket from Forever 21
Black stockings
Frye Veronica Shortie boots
Neon pink handbag
Bracelets & rings etc.

Nubby wore…
Black sequinned ears (she cut the bow off on the ride home)
Nubby nameplate necklace
‘The Sidewalk Never Ends’ t-shirt
Black cardigan
Black shorts from Forever 21
Black knee-highs
Red Chloe wedge boots
White Miu Miu handbag

Jazzi wore…
Disney name hat & alternating grey beanie
Glasses from Urban Outfitters
Alice dress
Black stockings
Patent leather Doc Marten boots

Whatever you decide, my suggestion would be to dress in layers. While Disneyland & Disneyworld are both in warm locations — California & Florida — that doesn’t mean the weather is pristine all the time, & in fact, we were quite cold today. So make sure you take something which is going to keep you warm, & I’d suggest avoiding bare legs unless you go in the height of summer.

Exhibit C: Extras

This could go in a bunch of different ways — for example, what kind of bag are you going to take & what are you going to put in it? (Sunglasses, camera, bubble mixture, flask of alcohol?) What are you going to take with you in terms of keeping warm? (Cardigan, blazer, scarf, cape?) What sort of accessories are you going to wear? (Fingerless gloves, huge pendant necklaces, sequinned ears, huge hair bow?) Let’s break it down now.

Gala’s bag contained…
Nikon D80 camera; Flip Mino HD; wallet; Helio Ocean; heart-shaped glitter coin purse; bottle of water; lip balm; index cards; pen; sunglasses; non-prescription frames.
For warmth, I took…
My sequinned hooded jacket, & I needed it. I wore it pretty much all day. It really wasn’t that warm!
My accoutrements were…
Constant rotation of hats & ears, pink Too Late watch, blue goldstone bracelet, Lolita I.D. bracelet, two Swarovski crystal bracelets, Tarina Tarantino ring, wedding ring.

Jazzi’s bag contained…
She actually didn’t bring a bag. She does not know why. She carried everything in her hands & shortly before we left the park, she lost her debit card & had to call & cancel it. Let this be a lesson to you!
For warmth, she took…
Her friend’s hooded sweater. It was mad cute.
Her accoutrements were…
None!

Nubby’s bag contained…
Camera, cellphone, wallet, room key, lip gloss, powder, heart-shaped sunglasses & an extra pair of shoes (which she didn’t wear).
For warmth, she took…
A black cardigan.
Her accoutrements were…
Watch, nameplate necklace, maus ears.

Exhibit D: Final Notes

The thing about Disneyland is that it’s important to be prepared, but don’t pack so much that you’re going to lose things when you go screaming around the corners on Space Mountain!

Another thing to keep in mind is to take it easy. Yeah, it’s expensive to get in & you want to do as much as you can, but it’s better to do less & enjoy it more than to race around like a maniac & feel stressed out. There’s so much to do & look at that it’s extremely unlikely you’ll manage to cover it all in a day. In our case, we only managed 4 rides (Haunted Mansion, Matterhorn, Space Mountain & the Mad Teaparty) before we were completely exhausted.

Also, be sure to take plenty of cash. There is food everywhere & they pipe buttery popcorn scent all around the park, so trust me when I say you’re going to want things you might normally resist. In the mood for cupcakes, chocolate-dipped strawberries, chilli in a bread-bowl, a bag of taffy or an enormous ice-cream sundae? You’ve got it! I didn’t see a single ATM as I walked around even though I’m sure they exist, & the smaller stalls which sell coffee don’t take credit cards, so be ready for that!

Die-hard Disney-goers will often take a picnic lunch or pack snacks, which is probably the most economical & practical thing to do, but it’s probably less fun. I feel like part of the glee of going to a theme park is just eating whatever you want & not giving it a second thought. It’s part of the experience, isn’t it?!

Above all, the most important thing is that you go with people you like. They always say that travelling is the way to ascertain whether a relationship has lasting potential, but I think a good, solid day at Disneyland is a pretty accurate gauge too. You’ll really find out whether you like someone when you have to stand next to them in line for an hour with sore feet & twinkling music swirling around your head, trust me!

Thankfully, when I have my wife by my side, everything is alright.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Lightcasting February 2009

[ 23 February 2009, 21:53 ]

I wrote about Lightcasting Day last month, explaining what it is & why we should (or can) do it. Well, it’s that time again! I thought I’d tell you what each sign should be focussing on this month in order to make optimal progress! Mega-big-ups, props & thanks to SoulGarden for all the excellent work they do & information they provide!

Aquarius Your self-esteem & self-worth. If you think about it, everything you want to generate comes from loving yourself. If you want to make money, you have to believe you’re valuable; if you want to be in love, you have to believe you’re loveable! Everything stems from there.

Pisces This month is about generating a new persona & a new ego. This also extends to the kind of first impressions you make & how you behave within the world. Happy? Defensive? Passive? It’s up to you!

Aries Breaking old cycles, getting rid of old fears & changing habits which don’t serve you any more. Do you feel tethered to a relationship or job which isn’t making you happy? What do you want to end for good?

Taurus Your role in society — the friends you have, the people you know & how you feel about your position in the world are all in focus this month. Visualise the social life you want to have!

Gemini Your career, work & legacy. This is a great time to think about what kind of work you’d like to be doing, think about the kind of recognition you want & the sort of impact you want to make on the world.

Cancer Changing your beliefs. Some of your old beliefs may not be working for you, & it’s time to shake them up. Open your mind & your horizons will expand. This also covers the areas of education, learning or travel.

Leo Boundaries & intimacy. Do you let people get too close, or not close enough? Do you always say yes — or always say no? How do you want to re-draw these lines?

Virgo Marriages. This basically means rethinking anything you have a long-term commitment to, like intimate relationships, best friends, careers & even the way you relate to yourself!

Libra It’s time for a lifestyle change! How would you like your daily life to be? Changing your lifestyle will impact on everything else, too. Visualise how you’d like your life to look in the future.

Scorpio Personal dreams, thinking big & looking after your inner child! You know what it is you really want, it might just be that you haven’t been listening. Pay attention & dream big!

Sagittarius Focus on your foundations. This means how you treat yourself, your home life, & recovering from or processing early childhood experiences which have impacted on you. See yourself moving on & learning, or decide to manifest a peaceful home life.

Capricorn Consider your attitude towards life — is it working for you? It’s a good time to journal or talk to your friends about how you’re feeling, it will help you get clarity & renewed focus for manifesting a better attitude.

If you’re kind of in tune with the universe & use your intuition quite well, you might have noticed that the issues relevant to your sign are already quite big in your life. For the last week or so, I’ve been thinking about relationships & work a lot — even more than usual, haha! So take the things you’ve churning around your head, write them down, & then use them as fuel to work out what you want.

I just did my lightcasting for the day, & rather than just thinking about it or visualising it — which can kind of seem a bit airy-fairy & maybe like you’re “not doing it properly” — I employed a new technique which I feel really good about!

I turned to a new page in my Moleskine journal & made three headings. Since Virgos are looking at marriages, there were three areas I wanted to look at: love or intimate relationships, work & career, & the way I relate to & treat myself. Then I stepped away from the computer (always helpful!) & started making some notes in all 3 categories. What did I want? What did I not want? How did I want to feel about it? Then when I felt like it was complete, I took a big drink of water & did a bunch of rounds of EFT while I read it aloud to myself & visualised it at the same time.

The bonus of using EFT is that it helps you clear any internal or subconscious resistance you might have to the things you’re going after. For example, if you say you want a loving relationship but you’re actually afraid of getting close to people, there’s going to be a conflict of interest. As long as you have that fear — even if you’re not aware you have it, which happens all the time — you’re going to find it difficult to manifest the things you want. EFT helps break that stuff down, & I’ve found it’s also extremely useful for helping you realise where your blockages or issues are.

What are your best tips, tricks, secrets or techniques for visualising or manifesting things in your life?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Can't Believe It; I Didn't Get Into University!

[ 2 February 2009, 14:50 ]

To answer your question — well, it’s pretty simple really. Once you get past all the panic, you’ll see that you can do anything you like. (This is always the case. You can always do anything you like.)

In my opinion, you should do something fun with your time, & re-apply next semester — if you want to. Who knows how your life will change in that time? When the next semester rolls around, you could be a completely different person, selling tea in Morocco, totally enchanted by the landscape & your new beloved. Your distant dreams of being an accountant may seem very far away.

I understand that you’re disappointed & were really looking forward to kicking off this whopping new chapter of your life. Maybe you planned on starting university with all your friends — now, they appear to be moving forward while you’re stuck in one place. Don’t worry about that, it’s an illusion. The disappointment will pass, & just because your friends are doing something doesn’t mean you need to do it too. That’s their path, not yours. You don’t have to operate on their time-line — in fact, your life will probably be much more interesting & satisfying if you don’t.

There’s no reason why you need to start now, & if you, like me, subscribe to the concept of everything happening for a reason, then you might like to view this new twist as a blessing from the universe. A shining opportunity to learn more about who you are, what you want, & where you really want to go.

University might have been part of your grand life plan, but life is full of curve-balls, surprises & trickery. That’s what makes life juicy! When things don’t go “our way” — or the way we think they should go — we pout & stomp about & generally flail around until… well, until we get over it. I suggest skipping the tantrum part if you can. Right now, I’m really into this idea of organic progression. I completely made that phrase up, but it’s basically a more palatable idea (to me) than “go with the flow”. What it means is not pushing back when life takes an unexpected turn — just paying attention, staying present, watching for the long-eyelashed wink of the universe & taking your cue. It is entirely possible that the universe is throwing you a big, delicious bone — but you can’t see it because you’re so wrapped up in things happening the way you want them to. As clever as we all think we are, we humans don’t always know what is “best” for us!

I really believe that within everything supposedly “negative” that happens in our lives — misfortunes, heartbreak, difficult relationships — there is an opportunity to spin that into something amazing. It is this incredibly fabulous chance to sort through some of your own scrumptious human messiness & emerge at the other side, slightly bloody but victorious, with a greater understanding of yourself, life & the people around you.

These extra months that have been bestowed upon you are a gift from above — it’s just that it was wrapped in unappealing paper. Who knows what’s next for you? You might even discover your real, actual, true life purpose, & you might not need a university degree to live out that purpose with love & passion! Even better, you get to figure all this stuff out without the stress of paying course fees or taking exams!

This is a beautiful time for you, full of magic & fortune & freedom. Enjoy it.

Extra credit: When was the last time that an unfortunate turn of events was actually something fabulous in disguise?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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iCiNG Transformation Challenge Preparation

[ 30 January 2009, 16:56 ]

A couple of days ago I decided what I’m going to do for my personal iTC. It’s not super-adventurous or anything; in fact, it’s exactly what I did last year — but because the thought of it makes me feel uncomfortable, I know I should be doing it. (The word “challenge” is in the title for a reason!)

My iCiNG Transformation Challenge is going to be centered around exercising every day (which I am pretty much doing already, but I want to be much more conscious about doing it), & eating 100% raw.

With exercise, I am already hooping for about an hour on average every day, & I love it, but what I want to do is turn my exercise into more of a meditation. I want to be really present, really grounded, & experience the ecstasy of movement. Sometimes I feel like the heavens are french-kissing me while I hoop dance, but I want to feel that when I’m doing yoga, weights, walking, etc. too! It’s my intention to have exercise feel less like a tedious chore than an exploration of bliss & an expression of adoration for the universe. Working love into everyday life, that’s me, that’s my mission!

As for the food… Last year when I did this, my boyfriend was eating 100% raw too, which made life way easier. We were both going through the same thing, we could talk about our cravings, & talk each other out of going to KFC. This time I’m pretty much doing it alone — even though I have you guys! — so I know I need to put some systems in place to help support me as I do this. Especially since I will also be in the midst of organising & packing for my trip back to the USA!

Here are some things I think will help — & this might give you some ideas as to how you can set up support systems for your own challenge.

I’m going to get more involved in the raw community. One of the reasons that even the most well-intentioned raw foodists go off their greens is because of lack of support or community. Let’s face it, radically altering your diet has consequences & alters your social life quite a lot. There are lots of other people around the world rocking raw food like nobody’s business, but because you don’t know they exist, often you feel like a solo juicing voyager, travelling alone, confused & adrift. That’s why it is so important to get involved with a good community of raw people, whether in your city or just online, & for most of us, Give It To Me Raw is an awesome place to get started. Give It To Me Raw was invaluable to me when I first started going raw, & is always my go-to when I have a question about something. So whatever it is you’re doing, do a bit of research & seek out people who have suceeded at doing that same thing. Then start to talk to them. Trust me, you’ll thank me later!

I’ve decided to listen to at least one raw food podcast a day, because another great way to combat the loneliness is to get actively involved & learn some new things! It helps keep you inspired & excited, gives you lots of ideas & reminds you once again that you’re not the only person doing it. One way I love to do this is by listening to podcasts & watching videos. In the case of raw food, there are so many great raw food podcasts, uncooking shows & instructional videos online that you can totally take your pick! There will be oodles of information on what you want to do too, so get searchin’!

I had a good think about my motivation. I admit to being shallow & superficial, & honestly, the bulk of my reasons for wanting to get back to raw food revolve around how it makes me look. The way it makes me feel (clear-headed, smart, alert, ecstatic) are just a bonus, but I feel like ultimately, they are what will keep me wanting to eat raw — as well as the fact that I know, deep down, that eating raw is right for me, & the best thing I can do for myself right now. Going off raw food late last year taught me that — the difference was huge. (Oh, & I just found this article on Zen Habits: 10 Reasons Eating Raw Is Healthier For You & The Planet!)

My point in saying this is that you need to know why you’re doing what you’re doing. Joining a gym or going vegan just because you “think you should” isn’t going to cut it when you’re craving cheese or a sleep-in — you need a reason which really means something to you. My suggestion is to have a really good, investigative probe into your own motivation, & be honest with yourself. Do you want to go vegan for animal rights, or do you actually want to try it because you want to lose a few pounds? Take that honesty & then write it down. You can put it on Post It notes around your house, write it in your journal or rearrange your alphabet fridge magnets to spell it out, but putting things in writing — especially where you can see them often — is very powerful.

I’m going to be good to myself… & you should be too! Don’t expect to be perfect, because no one is, & as you move through the steps of your challenge, it is almost inevitable that there will be times where you stumble. Having said that, don’t expect you will fail, either — we attract what we think about, so thinking that way is totally counter-productive! Just concentrate on doing the best you can every day, & if you mess it up, it’s cool. Tomorrow is another day. I think it’s important to aim for consistency, not perfection (something I learned from Dhru & Nature Love!), because it sets us up to form positive habits & routines rather than expecting to become a saint overnight. I am going to do my best to eat 100% raw every day, but if I eat some toast or devour a plate of potato salad, I’m not going to flagellate myself. What’s the point?! The way I see it, we’re trying to make positive changes to our lives, & that doesn’t include beating ourselves up for being human! You & I are to be commended for even making these first steps. Remember that!

Alright — so having taken all that in, what steps are you going to take to build your own support system?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Lightcasting Day!

[ 25 January 2009, 17:12 ]

Today, Monday the 26th of January 2009, is one of the most powerful days in the astrological calendar when it comes to manifesting your vision. It’s the day of the new moon, & as well as super vibrations from Jupiter, the planet of good luck & fortune, & Venus, the planet of love & creativity, we’re also experiencing a partial solar eclipse. Woo! All of this adds up to make it a bumper day for sending lots of energy in the direction of whatever we want!

So, how do you lightcast? It’s pretty simple — all you’re doing is putting a concerted effort towards thinking about what it is you really want in the next little while. Let’s say the next six months. Remember that Mercury is still retrograde (though it ends on Sunday!), so it’s an ideal time to look back & use our knowledge of the past to help us move forward & work out what we want in the future.

The basic lightcasting formula is to sit down somewhere undisturbed, engage all your senses & just visualise what you want for as long as you can, then let it go. Detach. Don’t think about it any more. Don’t worry about it not coming to you — think of it as ordering a meal in a good restaurant. You tell the waiter what you want, then just wait, always knowing it is on its way, & in the meantime, you talk to your friends, check your phone, observe the scene & enjoy the present moment. This is the crux of manifesting; you just gotta believe that it’s coming & stop looking for “proof”. Just know.

...But if you’re up with the play when it comes to visualising & manifesting, you already know that you can do it anywhere, whatever the occasion. You don’t have to sit down cross-legged with a flower in your mouth, trying to balance a crystal on your head while visualising spinning each chakra simultaneously. There are no rules, just do what feels good to you. You can visualise while you’re spinning a hula hoop around your body, while you’re doing the gardening, while you’re walking to work. All you really need to do is make some time to focus on what you want, while at the same time experiencing the feelings you’ll have when you get what you want, like exquisite joy, bliss, happiness, etc. The more you think about what it is you want, the more these feelings should build up inside you, so that you feel like you might burst. Allow yourself to let these feelings wash over you in an awesome wave. (Some people like to do a little dance while they visualise, & regardless of how ridiculous you might think you look, it works!)

So set some time aside today to do this. Do it for as long as you can; I think about 10 or 15 minutes is ideal. Turn off your phone & shut your door, but if someone interrupts you, don’t sweat it. You don’t have to be perfect in order for this to work — just go back to it. When you feel like you’ve done enough, stop. That’s it. Pretty simple!

Based on the current planetary movements, you might like to focus on the following things…

Aquarius: New persona or ego. Who & how do you want to be & behave?
Pisces: New reality. Think about what isn’t working for you, ‘cause it’s time to clear your life out.
Aries You & your position in society. Do you want to be famous, powerful, have a different circle of friends?
Taurus: Career & legacy. Visualise all the nitty-gritty details of your ideal vocation, right down to the engraved stationery & business-card holder.
Gemini: New belief structure. Open up the way you think about things, & expand your awareness!
Cancer: Trust. Do you trust the wrong people? Do you trust yourself?
Leo: Long-term relationships. How do you relate to other people & how do you relate to yourself?
Virgo: Lifestyle. How can you alter your lifestyle to have it support the things you want? Visualise your ideal lifestyle to help bring it to you.
Libra: Personal dreams. Tell me what you want, what you really really want!
Scorpio: New foundations. It’s time to build a solid base, & think about how you want to do that.
Sagittarius: Attitude. Enough of being negative, getting stuck in unhealthy loops, & putting yourself down!
Capricorn: Self-esteem. Do you really love yourself, huh, huh? Do you believe you can make money doing what you love? Get on it, baby!

I have to give major credit to Christopher Witecki from SoulGarden, ‘cause all this info came from him. He is great, I have learned so much from him; I think “lightcast” is even a word he came up with! You can get way, way more information on today from his horoscopes — here are today’s forecasts for Aquarius, Pisces, Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius & Capricorn.

P.S. It’s also Chinese New Year! AMAZING! According to Chinese superstitions, the way today goes will set the tone for the rest of the year, so make it a good one! Wear something red, too — it’s lucky. I might wear red lipstick. Yay! Happy Year of the Ox! (More info on that coming soon!)

P.P.S. If anyone has any good suggestions for resources to learn more about astrology — books or websites or whatever — let me know! I think it’s my new “thing”!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Establish A Fabulous Daily Routine

[ 20 January 2009, 00:14 ]

Ahhh, two-thousand-&-divine! There was so much hype towards the end of 2008, with plenty of us swearing up & down that 2009 was going to be different, by gum! Well, we’re now a third of the way through the first month of 2009, so it’s time to check in & see how you’re feeling. How are things going for you? Odds are good that if you haven’t switched up any of your routines or habits, January 2009 seems eerily similar to December 2008… & November 2008… & October 2008!

The real way to implement change in your life is to alter your habits. One of the major things that has changed my life in the past is setting up a daily routine that I enjoy & which I know works. It sounds boring, I know, but it doesn’t have to be. That’s the beauty of it — it’s your routine, so if you want to start the day with naked sun salutations, a massive salad or pyjama dance-off, you can! Be imaginative! It doesn’t have to be epic zombie time, complete with bleary-eyes, stubbed toes & bland breakfast!

So, what’s your daily routine?

Be honest! Do you really wake up at 6am & do yoga every morning, or are you more inclined to rush out the door at 8.49 without so much as brushing your hair? My routine has been a bit of a mess lately too, which is what prompted me to write this article! I’ve been eating all kinds of rubbish, my exercising has been sporadic, I’ve been sleeping in until 10 or 11 every morning, & things just feel really off. I am convinced (convinced!) that Mercury retrograde is partially to blame for this, which just adds to my feeling that now is the time to look back at what hasn’t been working in my routine, & come up with yummy new ways to move forward.

We often fool ourselves into thinking that changing our old habits is an impossibility, an exercise in futility, a waste of time. It’ll never work, we think, completely oblivious to the fact that our current lifestyle isn’t working for us either! How bad could a little change be?

The reason most people repeatedly fail to make something new into a habit is because of their fear of change. Why is this? When we decide we want to do something new, part of us is gung-ho, excited, chomping at the bit to get going. But another part of us is terrified at the idea of shaking things up. We often jump to a far-fetched conclusion which seems rational at the time, but really isn’t, like, “Oh my god, if I start down this path, I’m going to have to do an hour of jumping jacks every morning UNTIL I DIE.” So we never even begin, or perhaps we do it twice before giving up.

It usually takes 30 to 40 repetitions of something before it becomes a habit or routine, & it is perhaps because of this reason that Steve Pavlina is a great advocate of the 30-day trial concept. It manages to skirt ye olde freak out because you’ve set a time-limit. If you’re absolutely hating your routine on day 23, you know you only have 7 more days to go, which makes it all seem much more tolerable.

30 days is also an excellent length because it gives you time to gather real data about what you’re doing. If you change the way you eat or the amount you exercise, it’s common that the first week will be rough. You’ll be exhausted, detoxing, emotionally haggard — all sorts of things will come up — so if you stick at for 30 days, you’ll get past that first difficult stage & into the really juicy bit.

Enough talking, time for action. Let’s make some lists. I’ll go first, then it’s your turn!

What isn’t working for you in your routine?
For me, sleeping in until 10 or 11 is totally not doing it for me. I always feel like I’ve wasted the day when I do that, especially since I know that I get my best work done first thing.
The food I’m eating isn’t doing it for me either. I’m probably about 80% vegan right now — which is good — but I’m eating pretty much all vegan junk food, which is not where I want to be! Raw power please!
It’s totally time to get back into regular exercise. I meant to do this when I got back from Auckland but somehow it didn’t happen. I had a really rough 3 days, & last night after eating about six pieces of toast & a whole lot of rocky road, I decided it was time for a work-out. My short 30 minute cardio blast had me feeling better than I have all week.

How would you like your routine to look?
Wake up at 7.30 (or earlier) Do some gentle stretching & then half an hour of exercise Shower & get pretty Make a big smoothie, drink that & down vitamins as I check my email Set intentions for the day in my Moleskine Start working!

What steps do you need to take to make this a reality?
Thankfully I have most of these things sorted out already. I have a huge stack of exercise DVDs which I really enjoy doing (I know, what a nerd!), as well as my two brand spanking new HOOPS which I can use if I’m not in the mood for a prescribed routine (& which I use during the day anyway). I went to the health shop yesterday — that place is like pure porn for a hardcore Virgo! — & bought some supplements & vitamins I’d run out of, including maca which I am going to put into my smoothies! I also went to the supermarket & bought some stuff for making smoothies. Yay!

So… what about you?
Where are you at & where do you want to be? What kind of steps do you need to take to switch up your routine for good (um, I mean, 30 days!)? Do you need more information or encouragement? Take some time & think about it. What small changes do you think you could make which would really improve your quality of life?

Some of you will remember the iCiNG Transformation Challenge which ran for a month last April. Anyone keen for a repeat performance?!

Extra For Experts:
How To Establish New Habits The No-Sweat Way using Kaizen, from Zen Habits.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Survive Mercury Retrograde!

[ 13 January 2009, 18:13 ]

Oh, Mercury retrograde. You are here. You have arrived on our collective doorsteps in all your messy glory. You are our dreaded but regular house-guest. You stagger in the door, kick over our furniture, leave crumbs all over the couch & hog the bathroom. Then, as quickly as you appeared, you disappear again, leaving us slightly stunned but much better equipped to continue with our own lives.

Okay, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, here we go. The planets are swinging around at all times, & their movements affect us all in different ways. All planets go retrograde, but Mercury’s journey seems to impact people much more than any other.

Why is that? It’s because Mercury rules communication, clear thinking, truth & travel, so when it goes retrograde — which means that it looks like it’s going backwards in the sky — all those things go backwards. They start to get ugly & tangle up. Mercury isn’t really going backwards, it’s just hanging out by the sun, but from Earth, that makes it look like it’s in reverse. It typically runs for a few weeks.

In 2009, Mercury is in retrograde from…
January 11th to February 1st
May 8th to May 30th
September 8th to September 29th
December 27th to January 15th (2010)

What happens when Mercury goes retrograde? All sorts of things. It’s like everyone you know has suddenly gone mad. You might find yourself getting into bizarre arguments about nothing at all, being unable to finish sentences or barely even able to form a coherent thought. Your computer & other electronic equipment is more likely to go on the fritz. You could experience travel delays, too. Double-check your flights & take a book with you to keep you occupied while you wait for the train! We don’t tend to get all the information we need at this time, so it can be hard to make big decisions & it’s not always the best time to sign a contract, either.

Expect to hear super-loud complaining from your friends who are Gemini or Virgo, since both are ruled by Mercury. Mercury also rules a lot of industries like publishing, writing, editing, advertising, sales, public relations & anything to do with transport, like airlines, the post office & cabs! This means it can be particularly rough for Gemini train conductors & Virgo magazine editors, so be kind to any you know!

I often find that Mercury retrograde makes me want to go into hermit mode. I feel like half my brain is missing so I’m really not that interested in interacting with anyone, plus every conversation seems to go in an unusual, confusing direction. I feel much more irritable & frustrated & things just don’t seem to go how I want them to.

So that’s the bad news. Mercury retrograde can be a total kick in the teeth for those of us who normally pride ourselves on having our karmic shit together! The GOOD news is that Mercury retrograde provides us with lots of beautiful opportunities if we can just tilt our head & squint.

Mercury retrograde wants us to move back spiritually. It is providing us with a chance to re-examine various areas of our life which may need a little more work, so that we can move forward to a bright new dawn. Now, more than ever, the time is right to look at things with clear eyes. Delicious, fresh perspectives are revealed. We often have major breakthroughs — intellectual, emotional or spiritual — during this time.

It’s also a terrific period in which to tie up loose ends. So many of us have unfinished projects. Maybe that door just needs another lick of paint, or you’ll decide to put away your ex-boyfriend’s love letters once & for all. Having said that, this is also a time where it’s very common for old lovers, friends & acquaintances to get in touch! If you hear from someone from your past, get together with them & see what eventuates!

One of the best ways to cope with it — as with anything, really — is to just “go with the flow”. When you fight Mercury retrograde, that’s when life gets really ugly. Just take some time, go slowly, be careful, don’t freak yourself out by expecting to be uber-productive-perfect right now. Be good to yourself & the people around you, now more than ever!

A quick & dirty cheat’s guide to surviving Mercury retrograde!
(Print it off & stick it in your diary or on your wall!)

Be sure not to take things too personally. People will often say offensive things they didn’t mean around this time, because their thinking is clouded! If your best friend suddenly became the most insensitive person in the world, give her the benefit of the doubt.

Back up your data!

Take things with “a grain of salt”. Everyone is a bit confused, & people are much more inclined to change their mind once Mercury goes direct. Mercury can be a bit of a trickster — could it be that the next few weeks are a big karmic joke?!

Read the small print on any contracts. Ask lots of questions. Obviously you can’t put your life on hand just because of some silly planet, but adapt your lifestyle a bit so that things run more smoothly. Communication is a bit of a mess right now & so is thought, but do your best to get as much information as you can.

Finish things you started a while ago. Home improvement projects? Wardrobe re-organisations? Short stories? Love affairs?! This is an excellent time to tie up loose ends & file things away forever.

Get together with old friends, reminisce & laugh!

Double-check any information you’re given, especially as relates to travel arrangements! During the last Mercury retrograde, I actually caught a cab to the wrong airport! Check times, delays, baggage allowances, reservations, everything.

Allow Mercury to nudge you in unusual directions. If you seem to find yourself “back to the future”, don’t just try to wriggle out of it — look at what the universe is trying to show you. This is a fantastic time to re-examine, accept & move on.

Use what you’ve learned from the past to create a dazzling new vision so that you’re ready to blast ahead when Mercury goes direct!

Fingers crossed for the next few weeks!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Spend Your Christmas Money!

[ 27 December 2008, 05:39 ]

Christmas has been & gone. We are full of turkey, ham, turducken, roasted vegetables, enormous salads, eggnog, whatnot. We feel bloated & sleepy, slightly hungover & we dread cleaning the house. But it’s a fair bet that some of you received good Christmas presents, & when I say good Christmas presents, I am of course referring to cold hard cash, courtesy of mothers brothers aunts cousins or even lovers!

But how to spend it? I often find that when I’m in the mood to spend — & I’ve got it burning a hole in my pocket — that is the precise moment that the trolls pull everything cool & purchasable into the earth, never to be seen again. So I’m going to help you out, because I’m good like that. Boost the world economy! Alright, here we go!

Let’s start with the basics. The Net-A-Porter sale is always a good time. 40% off, you say? LOVELY! Sephora is having an epic sale too. I love Givenchy’s pop gloss crystal & rouge interdit shine lipstick (in glitter pomelo & raspberry shine, respectively). But you should definitely go & check them out, they’ve discounted brush sets & eye kits & all kinds of stuff.

I have a soft spot for this Pirate Supply Kit. Contains… “Red bandanna to protect your coif, black eye patch so you can walk the plank straight, tea-stained message in a bottle for your secret thoughts, “booty” bag of eight wooden gold coins to trade at port, Polly the Parrot pin, your new best friend who can sit on your shoulder and listen to your bellyaches, & a tea-stained treasure map so you don’t forget.” Who could resist?!

For those of you who have also been swept away with unicorn fever (it’s like avian flu, but different), how about a paper mache unicorn mask? Sure to terrify everyone in your immediate vicinity. This mystic unicorn mask is pretty sweet, too. If you’re more on the sane side of the fence, I like this mounted unicorn necklace, though when you think about it, the concept is a little grim. (“Whack the head off a magical animal & nail it to a plank of wood? Why yes, I did!”) Amazon — amazingly — turned out to be the unicorn holy grail. Everyone needs a unicorn colouring book, a unicorn fantasy charm bracelet, an enormous unicorn wall mural & a hideous/awesome hand-dyed unicorn t-shirt. That shirt is a bully’s wet dream, but I love it. Finally, this unicorn cookie cutter is almost enough to make me want to take up baking. Imagine unicorn cookies covered in sparkly sugar! Swoon central!

Silly but sweet little things from Gala’s Etsy favourites? Oh, why not! I am especially fond of the white rabbit hair comb & bat & swan rings from studiohalo. This gold PVC ruffle skirt would be awesome for go-go dancing on stage, & well, let’s just say I’ve had my eye on Healing Heart’s striped candy carnivale dress for a long time now. I also love the holographic dance skirt & leggings from Dancing Tree Creations (& I’m totally going to buy some).

If sparkling, iridescent knickers are more your jam, G&P Lingerie has got your booty covered with their violet babydoll & bows briefs. Always wanted your name across your fingers? Of course you have! Pretty much anything made by Sarah Seven is guaranteed to make you smile & swoon at the same time, & if you really want to blow someone away, why not just turn up wearing this neckwarmer?

For those of you who want to get organised for the new year, start here. I think this glow-in-the-dark zodiac calendar is wicked awesome. On that note, buy yourself a horoscope book for the year — they’re cute & awesome to pore over. Llewellyn’s 2009 Sun Sign Book has information for all the signs & if you ever have someone cute in your apartment & you don’t know what to say to them, this book is a great ice-breaker (promise). But if you don’t really care about anyone but yourself (oh ho ho, I’ve got YOUR number!), get one just for you. The zodiac books by Margarete Beim are really good — voilà, Aquarius, Pisces, Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius & Capricorn! They’re little, too, so perfect for throwing in your purse. For the super-hardcore, you can even buy a horoscope-specific calendar, with short forecasts for every day — Aquarius, Pisces, Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius or Capricorn! For Virgos-in-training & other super-organised kids, Amazon has (from what I’ve seen) the best prices on the black daily 2009 Moleskine ($10.85) & the red version ($14.93). Day-a-page is totally the way to go! If you’re not so much into the horoscope thing, the Tim Walker 2009 calendar is completely awesome. The Bad Girl’s 2009 Rage-a-Day calendar is pretty cool too, with hangover cures, probing questions & pick-up lines.

Start the year on time with a brand new watch. Those of us who subscribe to the Jessica Wakefield school of thought on watches — she was like, so spontaneous & fun, & like, watches are for nerds! — need to get over it. Don’t worry, I’m right there with you. Sweet Valley High poisoned my mind! It’s time for a change! (Hur hur, get it?) This Dior Christal is my dream watch, but not necessarily the kind of thing you impulse purchase. The Juicy Couture couture fairytale watch is great (I love crests!), as is the Harajuku Lovers crest watch, which is only $55! The Dior Homme chiffre rouge is beautiful too, & would look great on a woman I think. Louis Vuitton has done an amazing job with their tambours — the automatic diamond diving lady & quartz diving lady are both totally magnificent. Uh, did you know that Lego make watches? The midsize classic white & just build it are my picks. Or you could go all out & snap up the Cartier Roadster in gold, like Rachel Zoe.

If you want something new to tote your treasures around in this year, check out this off-white leather fringe bag. Anna Lou of London does sparkly bags in bright colours with bows on ‘em, like this & this. J’adore! Valhalla does some nice bags too.

Do you love letters & typography? I do. Urban Outfitters has awesome alphabet tote bags as well as initial wallets. Sakura Designs will make you a custom initial necklace, too.

I always love to buy new things & assign meanings to them, like creating your own lucky charms. You can really do that with anything, but I am especially fond of origami cranes. If you want to go all out, you can buy 1000 & hang them up in your living room. If you’d prefer to be more subtle, this pink hanging crane mobile is pretty sweet. I also like this paper crane tote, these silver crane earrings, & this crane necklace.

Why don’t you go & buy yourself something dishevelled & delightful from Gibbous? Really. Why don’t you?

& if you got a really good cheque from Nana this Christmas, but all your bills are paid & you’re feeling a bit bored with your existence, these lace knuckles ought to do the trick.

P.S. New Zealand girls: run, don’t walk to your nearest Ricochet & Lush stores. Ricochet’s post-Christmas sale is major (I bought four beautiful pieces for $260 today — full price would have been almost $600), & at Lush if you spend over $50 you get one of their new products for free (like one of their amazing new moisturisers which is worth $50 itself!). Delicious!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Avoid Regressing When You Stay With Your Parents (Alternate Title: How To Survive A Family Christmas)

[ 10 December 2008, 23:22 ]

My friend & I were discussing spending Christmas with our families the other day. Here’s part of her email.

“I find myself regressing when I stay with my parents. There are inherent things that I find frustrating about the way we relate to each other… I get pissed off at them and I don’t want to be like that any more.

I guess I’m in a weird situation with my parents where I feel like I need to do what Mum does when I’m staying with her. She is ultra clean to the point of being an anal freak and she never sits down, so she is constantly moving constantly working constantly cleaning something doing SOMETHING. It’s a quality that I really admire in her and I want to be like that but I’m just not. When I get home after dealing with f*ckwits for 8 hours solid I relax by cooking and I make a glorious mess. I do the dishes with my husband and then I want to read or take my dog for a walk, pot around my garden or write in my journal and basically chill out in a productive but gentle way.

...I really want to encourage you to write that article, I think pretty much everyone I know ends up squabbling with their parents/regressing when they have to go back there. It’s such an awkward thing. I think a lot of it comes down to no matter how old you are, if you can’t adhere to your parents routine don’t overstay past the point where you become their daughter returned to interrupt their lives rather than a welcome guest.

How do you relate to your parents? Is everything cool these days?”

Oooooh, what a subject!

I definitely used to regress when I went back home to stay with my parents, even though I have been living out of home for years. It was almost like as soon as I stepped over that familiar threshold, I turned back into that loathsome 16 year old that I thought I had left behind.

I would become surly, uncooperative, selfish, grumpy & charmless — very teenage Gala at her worst moments! Not pretty! & I couldn’t understand it. Even the smallest request had me reacting completely churlishly. What was it that made me behave like that? What made me so short-tempered & unpleasant? Was it just the fact that my parents were completely insufferable, & I was brilliant, therefore they had no rights to ask me to do anything at all ever?!

Well, um, no, not exactly. The way I see it, it’s all about repeating patterns. Most of us lived with at least one of our parents until we were about 18, which is a very long time. In that time, thousands of patterns & routines were established, & that’s the thing about a pattern: it can be hard to break, especially when you’re thrown back into the situation or environment in which you are used to acting (or reacting) a certain way.

I really don’t mind cleaning up after myself, rinsing my dishes, making my bed. In fact, I do those things of my own volition when I’m in my apartment. But for some reason, it used to be that when I came back home & my parents asked me to do one of those things, I would react badly. I would grumble, complain, pout. “Just a minute,” I’d yell. Several minutes would pass. They would harass me to get off the internet. (Geek, you see.) I wouldn’t want to. Things got ugly.

Thankfully, that phase has passed.

I feel very fortunate in that my parents & I get along very well these days, & even after spending weeks (or months) together, we still all get along. Hopefully just saying that will give someone reading this hope, because when I was a teenager, our humble home was not always the most delightful scene. Familial relations do improve, & it’s not just mine — these days, most of my friends get along with their parents much better than they did when they were teenagers, feuding constantly.

I think part of the reason why my family & I can coexist peacefully now is that I have been out of home for long enough that I don’t really identify myself with them any more. That sounds weird, I know, but let me explain. When I left home at 18, I moved 600 kilometres away & since then, we have never lived in the same city. I have now been away long enough that I feel like I know who I am. I’m not just “Jonathan’s daughter” any more — I have lived in Auckland, in Melbourne & New York, have had many adventures & expeditions, & me & my lifestyle are so far removed from their routines & patterns that all the things they used to do that drove me crazy don’t bother me any more. My parents are nutty in their own delightful way, but I guess what happened is that I don’t take that stuff personally these days. They can do whatever they like & it doesn’t affect me. They are just people. It’s cool, & it doesn’t bother me.

Another thing that can make life tough is that most of us feel a reasonable amount of pressure when we return to the family nest. There are always so many questions, & the opportunity to delve much deeper into issues than you ever can by telephone. How is work going? How’s your relationship? Are you happy? How are you raising your children? Is everything going okay?

Our parents only want the best for us, which is sweet & touching, but sometimes we can’t help but wig out over all of that. We want to do things at our own pace, & when people ask us questions about things that maybe we’re working on but haven’t quite figured out yet, or that they think are important but we don’t, it can make us feel a bit nuts.

One thing that happens as we get older is that we become less partial to our family’s opinion of us. As we leave home & go out & experience the world for ourselves, we realise that we are capable of navigating things in our own way. With that comes the realisation that our parents are just people like anyone else. They do their best but they’re not perfect, & what they say is not gospel — just one person’s view. Some people resent their parents when they find this out!

Thankfully, I don’t feel like the child whose parents are waiting for them to blossom into something great, or to “make something” of myself any more, probably because I feel like I have done some pretty good stuff under my own steam. I am reasonably secure in my own identity these days, & even when my parents disapprove of something I’m doing, that doesn’t affect me anywhere near as much as it used to. (If I ever wonder about that, I just remember that they initially had their doubts about me starting this website!) I don’t know if they ever really put a lot of pressure on me, I probably put it on myself & thought it was them, but whatever the case, I feel much more comfortable just being myself around them these days.

Plus, when I come back to see them, I’ve actually had time to miss them & I’m looking forward to spending time with them again. If your parents just live around the corner though, I can definitely see how it might be a little bit of a how can I miss you if you won’t go away? situation!

It’s always weird going home, though. After all, your parents raised you (probably). To them, you are pretty much always going to be the kid that they devoted all their time to, so the way they see you is probably not the same way you see yourself. I think it shocks my parents that they never get to see me in my school uniform any more, especially based on the way they behave sometimes. My father will sometimes bring up old phrases or things I used to say as if it were yesterday — when I have all but forgotten the fact that I used to do this, that or the other thing.

Unfortunately, one of the things I’ve learned about “going back home” is that if you want to do it successfully, you really have to play by their rules, & sometimes those rules clash with your world view. Think you’re a successful adult in your own right, with an exciting love life & an independent lifestyle? Think again — especially if your friends want to call after your parents have gone to bed! Reigning all that stuff back in after you’re used to living by your own rules can be tough.

Sometimes it makes me laugh to think of huge celebrities going back home for Christmas. “I don’t care how many Grammys you’ve won, Mariah, can you just put your dishes in the dishwasher once you’re done?!”

Christmas can be especially difficult, because usually it’s not just you & your parents, it’s you & your extended family. I think there’s a lot of pressure on Christmas to be this magical time of family & shared jolliness, when sometimes it turns into a mud-slinging fest as soon as the first bottle of champagne is popped. Alcohol + relatives is almost a guaranteed method of discovering someone’s true nature!

We all feel like just because we’re related to one another, all of a sudden we should have lots in common, plenty to talk about, & a cozy feeling of brotherhood & kinship. Sometimes it can feel like our family is dysfunctional if we’re not all sitting around a fire laughing good-naturedly & knitting each other matching sweaters. It’s completely normal for small factions of our families to break off & go & smoke outside & complain about one aunt or another, for old grievances to resurface, or for someone to get hysterical over the turkey. It’s not necessarily what we want to happen, but it can & it does, & that’s okay. Families aren’t perfect.

The crucial thing about getting along with your family — also known as not buying into the bullshit — is to remember who you are. Who you are, not who everyone else thinks you are. We all play roles in our families, relationships & workplaces, but don’t let other people’s thoughts about who you are determine how you behave. There is no surer route to misery. Your parents might remember you as a child in the nativity play, your cousins might think of you as the kid who went through that weird goth phase, & your grandma might always remember you fondly as the girl she taught how to sew — no matter how old you get or how many children you have. All of those things may be true of your past, but you are more than the sum of other people’s memories. You are whoever you want to be, & even that can change from day to day. This Christmas you might be the turkey-carver, salad-bringer, champagne-pourer, couch-commando, peace-maker, pace-maker, whatever. Your family will have expectations of you — this is par for the course. But you don’t have to play into that role unless you want to; unless it serves you & makes you happy.

It’s extremely easy to act the role we’re used to playing, especially when everyone else in your family is playing their role perfectly. It’s like one big discordant orchestra, each person plucking their own badly-strung instrument. The thing is that if you can manage to break your own patterns — say, for example, instead of spending the day texting furiously, you help your mother with the turkey or give your uncle a break by looking after your cousin — you will remind everyone else that it doesn’t have to be the way it always has been.

The best way to survive a crazy family Christmas is to act as your ideal self, & hold up a light for everyone else. It’s just like those psychology experiments where someone who is brave enough to behave differently inspires others to do the same. Think how shocked your parents would be if you played the part of the dressed-up-ray-of-sunshine! It might even influence your father to neglect his typical role of the-man-who-gets-grumpy-after-too-many-beers, or prevent your mother from reprising her award-winning epic as the-woman-who-overcooks-everything-&-then-cries-about-it! After all, it’s hard to continue as you normally do if everyone around is behaving in a way that’s intensely out of character.

Before you cross the threshold, bearing gifts or grudges (& perhaps both), sit in your car & check yourself out in the mirror. Don’t just look for errant eyebrow hairs; use this time to re-group & centre yourself. How do you want this Christmas to go? Regardless of your religious beliefs, most people agree that December is about celebrating family & friendship — so think about how you’d like to do that. Does complaining about the meal, squabbling with your brother & getting into a passive-aggressive argument with your grandmother really embody the ideals you’re aspiring to? Is that how you want to see out the end of the year?

Christmas puddings may be the perfect size & weight for pelting at your irksome relatives, but if you can exercise some restraint, everyone will be better for it!

So, what are you doing to do differently this year? I haven’t had a family Christmas since 2005, & plenty has changed since then. I’m going to pay close attention to my mother, the one who holds it all together, since I’d like to throw a big (American! Winter!) Christmas bash next year…

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Daily Outfit -- 8th December 2008

[ 8 December 2008, 05:25 ]

Alternate working title: Gala Darling takes on Maison Martin Margiela
Alternate alternate working title: Ravaged-by-a-flock-of-zombies-chic

This is what I wore to brave the light rain & have dinner with old friends.

So, a little while ago I saw what Maison Martin Margiela did to a pair of black jeans — that is, shredded the hell out of them. I liked the look very much. I thought, I could do that. So today, I did.

It was time to evolve my jeans, anyway!

Sparkly skull earrings
Holographic unicorn necklace
Pearls
Deep V white t-shirt from American Apparel
Black jeans from Sportsgirl
Black cardigan from Ricochet
Siren heels
Wedding ring & Tarina Tarantino ring
Bag by Trent Nathan with diamante handcuffs from Madame Rouge!

I am so happy with how they came out!

How did I do it? I put them on, then grabbed a pair of scissors & made horizontal cuts along one leg (being very careful not to stab a big hole in my femur). I looked in the mirror as I did it so see whether an area needed more or less cuts, etc. Then I took them off & did the other leg. I held them up in front of the mirror to assess if they were even. Then! The pièce de résistance! I put them in the washing machine, then tumble-dried them. They came out perfectly — well-frayed, slightly fluffy & nicely distressed looking.

By the way, the longer the cuts, the better they look… In my opinion!

Is this a style you’ll try out for yourself? If you do, please send me pictures, I’d love to see how it looks on you!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Cultivate Your Personal Style

[ 7 December 2008, 18:05 ]

Style is not just about what you wear, it’s about what you do & how you do it.

When I started writing this article, I took it to the streets — well, Twitter — & asked my followers who their ultimate style icon was. One of the things I noticed was that almost everyone they mentioned was someone who lived their entire life with style. They weren’t just A-list celebrities who had stylists dress them for big events. They were men & women with strikingly original aesthetics, fresh new approaches to living & a different way of doing things.

The reason I chose a picture of Manko to accompany this article is because she perfectly illustrates what it means to allow your personal style to permeate all aspects of your life. I had always adored what I’d seen of her modelling online, & when I met her for brunch a couple of months ago, I was delighted to see that it’s not just something she turns on & off for the camera. She is just as nutty in person: tossing her hat around, prodding at her food, laughing at inane Americanisms & making pedestrians stare.

So, who are your style icons? If I had to guess, I would say mostly they are people who have their own little universe of style, separate to everyone else. For example, when Fight Club came out, unconventional girls went ga-ga for Helena Bonham Carter’s portrayal of the notorious Marla Singer. It wasn’t just what she wore. Who even really remembers that, except for the big hat & the pink bridesmaid’s dress? It was about what she did & how she did it. The way she smoked cigarettes, the way she walked into traffic, the way she spoke on the phone, her heavy-handed eyeliner & crazy hair.

My personal style icons are people (or characters) like Madonna, Carrie Bradshaw, Diana Vreeland, Marchesa Louisa Casati, & Little Edie. I didn’t always love the way they dressed, necessarily; I am not the sort of person to emulate someone else’s look, anyway. Really the reason I admire them is because of their attitude. All of those women really pushed boundaries, & were completely unashamed to look a way that pleased them — not anyone else. (You can read more about these individual women — & a few more! — on Top 5 Fictional Female Style Icons & these pieces from my Style Icons series: Madonna, Carrie Bradshaw, Diana Vreeland & Marchesa Lusia Casati.)

Personal style is about the way you interact with other people in line, the way you stack your magazines, how much stuff you carry with you every day — & what those things might be. It’s about your chosen references to pop culture, whether you dance in public & the way you fill in forms.

Everything you do is a declarative statement of your personal style, whether you’re aware of it or not.

If you want to start consciously developing your own style, you don’t have to start self-monitoring like a lunatic. Just allow yourself to become aware of how you are & the way that you do things. If there’s something you decide you could improve — maybe your table manners, or the tone of voice you use when you’re irritated — then do that. But overall, just become conscious of your various facets, the things that make you up as a person. Consider who influences you & how they do that. Then, start to expand. Think about the things you could start to incorporate into your life.

Not sure where to start?

Start a style scrapbook — on paper or even on Flickr — & use it as a jumping-off point for dressing yourself, decorating your house, interacting with others. Don’t feel like this is just some amateur move, either; in actual fact, the most stylish, put-together people I know often have multiple style scrapbooks that take various incarnations. They might have a set on Flickr, a collage on a board in their bedroom, & a collection of pictures beside their desk at work. Truly stylish people are always evolving in some new direction. Style is not about choosing a look & sticking with it forever, it needs to change as you do, & having a style scrapbook helps you do that. Think about fashion designers: ultimate taste-makers, they often have entire walls covered in pictures & inspiration to kick them into gear.

From your style scrapbook, you can really expand. If you notice that a lot of people you admire wear hats, for example, maybe it’s time to branch out & pick up a snood, fedora or fascinator! You can also use other people’s ideas to help facilitate your own wardrobe. Most of us own an item that we love but which drives us crazy because we don’t know how to wear it (tulle skirt, oxford heels, sequinned mini?) — & every time we see it in the closet, it gives us these crazy mixed emotions. Trawl street fashion blogs, the trend-spotting, personal style, street style & model style discussions on The Fashion Spot, Wardrobe Remix & LOOKBOOK.nu to find new, innovative ways to wear the things you never do, or just to give old items a new lease on life.

Photograph your outfits. I know that I bang on & on & on about this, but I do so for a reason! First of all, it gives you a real perspective on how you look, as opposed to just staring in a mirror (where we tend to focus on one thing at a time). In a mirror we often stand up straight or adjust our bodies according to our clothes, but a photo illustrates how the clothing actually falls on us. Secondly, it gives you an instant catalogue of already-worn outfits if you have to run out the door at a moment’s notice!

Actually put aside time to look at your outfit photos & consider what you could do differently next time. What if you changed shoes, added a jacket, took off that necklace, wore a different belt? Dissect it & break it down. What does this outfit say about you? Where is the ideal place to wear it? Who would appreciate it & who wouldn’t? How good do you feel in it, & why? Use all these answers as a platform to help you evolve.

Think about ye olde “quality versus quantity”, but don’t just let it flit across your mind. Actually devote a little brainpower to it. You know, deep down in your heart of hearts, that a $30 dress isn’t going to get you very far. What is it made from? Under what conditions? How well is it made? The answers aren’t going to be very endearing. This is not to say that you need to become a snob & refuse to wear anything with a double-digit pricetag, but just be aware that if you constantly spend your pennies on many cheap items, you’re probably missing out on fabulous shoes, lush sweaters & beautifully-cut dresses. That’s all!

Also think about what you spend your money on in general. Do you buy things just to fill a void, or do you buy things which really speak to you? I think we all have moments where we spend indiscriminately, but the real problem comes when you discover you own a whole lot of crap that doesn’t serve or even please you! Some home organisation experts recommend doing a house cleanse where you essentially get rid of everything you don’t love. Take a look around your room. How much of it do you actually love?

Spend time alone. This might seem like an odd way to cultivate your own style, especially when I have spoken so much about external influences, but really that’s the thing. Personal style is personal style, & while we are all strange, sweet amalgams of other people, places & dialects, the reason we are the way we are is because we’ve twisted all those things together in our own unique way. Think of it as having a concrete mixing truck in your belly. Even twin brothers & sisters can be complete opposites, despite having had many of the exact same influences. It’s all in the twist.

What this also means is that you should allow yourself to be as wild (or mild!) as you please, & don’t let other people & their own judgemental nonsense affect you. All these little things we do, from the way we spend our time to the people we speak to, changes & impacts us. I remember spending hours in the public library as a teenager, sitting on the floor, staring out at Wellington, with a huge, torso-sized stack of books next to me about New York City. I wrote things down, made notes, photocopied pictures, & told myself that I’d live there someday. It all counts, even the small things.

So, why go through all this madness? Why not just throw on a pair of jeans in the morning & yell, “TO HELL WITH IT!”?

Because discovering yourself is one of the most fabulous things you can do, & personal style is a way of flipping your discoveries inside out & putting them on display. Because people who know who they are are much more confident, happy & content. Because being our true selves empowers & emboldens other people. Because there is pure joy & magnificence in wearing something you love. Because experimenting with your personal style can magically transform you, & turn you into the person you’ve always wanted to be. & finally, because personal style & self-expression adds to the beauty of the world.

Even though sometimes other people’s personal style isn’t to our taste, I have to give people props for breaking the rules & wearing something different. It takes courage.

I would MUCH prefer to live in a city full of people wearing questionable things that made them happy than suffer through a drove of repressed-looking people in prescribed corporate attire! Bring on the knobbly cardigans in primary colours, unusual footwear, beaded waistcoats & lipstick accidentally smudged onto teeth! I love to see people who are actually excited about the clothing they have on. You can spot them in a crowd: they always look happier, walk with more confidence & check themselves out in shop windows!

I am definitely guilty of the sly sideways glance at a particularly reflective shop window. Sometimes I am even guilty of stopping & facing it front-on! But you know what? That’s just it. We all deserve to feel good enough about ourselves that we want to stop & savour the moment! & that, to me, is what personal style is all about.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: aesthetic, how to, inspiration, life
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I Want To Be... A Hoop Dance Teacher!

[ 30 November 2008, 13:50 ]

Deanne came into my life almost two years ago, & has rocked it to the core with her love, support, insight & ideas! As well as owning Tokyomade — one of my very first advertisers! — she also introduced me to raw food, one of the things that I really believe has super-charged my life! Shortly after we “met” online, she got into hooping in a big way. Her passion for what she does is incredible, & when a reader suggested I interview her for my career series, I was flabbergasted that I hadn’t already thought of it myself!

So, without further ado… !

Tell us about what you do.
I am the visionary behind a transformational love revolution going on in Tokyo, involving lots of glitter, truckloads of laughter, massive amounts of hip action and pretty colored rings. I am a hoop dance performer and instructor in Tokyo, the founder of hooplovers.com.

How long ago did you start on this path?
Gala, I am not sure if you are aware of this but it was you and your infinite inspiration that reunited me with my inner dancer and brought hoops back into my life. Back in the days when you were orchestrating international dress up days, early 2007, a gorgeous gal called Rachel dressed up as her alter-ego Heidi von Hula. Clicking on her short video and watching what she could do with a hula hoop put me in a spin. I have not spent a day since without a hula hoop around some part of my body! Thank you Gala and Heidi von Hula!

How long were you doing it before you made it into your career or primary form of income?
About one year. In that time I took some hoop dance classes, hooped every day for up 4 hours a day, spent my spare time glued to hoop dance vids on youtube, dreamed big, visualized what life would be like as a hoop star, started planning and then headed to Sydney to meet up with my Hoop Dance mentor and sister in the spin, Bunny Hoop Star.

Did anything significant happen to get you to that point, or was it a series of small steps?
I think life is pretty much filled with happenings, big and small, that are overflowing with significance. There are a few major events in my hooping journey that come to mind. Firstly, my Mum visiting me in Tokyo and buying me my first pink, sparkling, dance hoop as a surprise. Realizing that hoop dance was a global revolution and that there were huge communities of hoopers and hoop entrepreneurs, many of whom were women was a big awakening. Going to Sydney to complete a Hoop Teacher training journey with Bunny Hoop Star and create a life changing connection. Seeing a positive, fun filled, lively community of hoopers grow in Tokyo. Opening up to the possibly that dreams really do come true, thoughts become things and I could become a Tokyo hoop star if that is what I desired. Believing in myself. Having talented, positive and passionate people around me.

Do you think official qualifications are important for someone entering your industry?
Behind all the glitter, color and spinning hoops there is an intense amount of work that goes into running my own business. I have a degree in Marketing that I guess helps with the business side of things. I have an Education degree, I was a primary school teacher for years before embarking on this spiraling journey, the knowledge and experience I gained from being in education most definitely helps me to create and execute hoop dance classes, workshops and other events. I know of a hula hoop star who has a degree in hooping from a Melbourne institute, I wish I had thought of that! I don’t think qualifications are essential but experience, passion, dedication, belief and training are!

Hoop Dance Teacher training is extremely valuable, learning from the mistresses and masters of the hoop is priceless. There are teacher training courses in Australia, the US, the UK and possibly other countries around the world.

What do you think is the best thing about working for yourself?
There are so many things that make having your own business a worthwhile choice, so many things I am grateful for. I can set my own schedule, be in charge of my life, know that the possibilities for promotion and advancement are limitless, my earning capacity has no cap on it, I can choose the people I surround myself with, connect with positive, like-minded peeps…I could go on and on…

What’s the worst thing?
Hhhmmm I am not sure, thinking about tax, insurance, account keeping, probably the financial side of things. There is no one to deposit a lump of money in my bank account each month, now it comes from many places and has to be shared around a lot more so that requires keeping track of.

Rate how happy you are with what you do out of 100 (100 being the best, 0 being devastatingly awful) on an average day.
I go to bed every night feeling giggly on the inside (not just from lack of sleep), I often find myself bursting into a huge smile when I think about the state of my life, I get to play dress ups with my friends at least once a week, I have met some of the most amazing people from all over the world, I have found the ultimate form of body changing exercise that doesn’t feel like I am exercising and I have over 50 hula hoops in my house… I would say between 95 and 100. When I am teaching a hoop dance class filled with big smiles, pumping tunes and spinning hoops it is definitely 100!

Although to be really honest, it is not all glam and glitz, there is a crazy number of hours spent in front of my mac formulating class plans, event ideas, confirming reservations, doing paperwork, getting gigs, finding space in Tokyo (ha ha what a joke! Everyone knows there is no such thing.), organizing schedules, training for shows, meeting for rehearsals, making hoops, planning costumes, creating new opportunities, updating websites and promoting hoop dance in Tokyo. When I am in the flow and feeling really creative while dealing with the business side of things I would say 85-100. When I am still up at 4am trying to get things done I would say 70.

Would you call yourself a workaholic, & if so, are you alright with that? Do you think that’s normal for your industry?
I am a Capricorn, I think being a workaholic is part of who I am, the goat always climbing the mountain. I am doing what I love so most of the time it feels like play, but if that is the case I play A LOT!! I was working as a full time primary school teacher when I started Hoop Lovers as well as running TokyoMade with my partner Masao. It came to a point where I had to make some big choices about how to balance my life, I felt like I was working 24 hours a day. The choice came very easily, I felt a strong pull towards being in charge of my own life, it felt really right and was a natural progression.

The fantastic thing about being a Hoop Dancer is that a lot of the work is creative, energizing and great exercise for my body and mind. So even though I feel like I ‘work’ about 18 – 20 hours a day now, shared between Hoop Lovers and TokyoMade, much of the work is fuelled by passion, fun and creativity. Dancing around with hoops is considered part of my work.

Other leading hoop dance teachers and performers work extremely hard, it is their life work, they inspire me greatly.

What would your number one suggestion be for someone who wants to do what you do?
Go and buy a hoop now! Assuming that you are already a pretty funky hooper with a passion to share the joys of hoop dance in your community and possibly the world, my suggestion would be go and spend some time with other hoop teachers, performers and hoop dance business owners.

...How about number two?
Be prepared to dance, work and play! Teaching and performing requires late nights, early mornings, heavy lifting (carrying twenty hula hoops around Tokyo is always a fun challenge), learning new skills very quickly, crazy amounts of networking, hours of dance, practice, drills and play. Be prepared to balance this. Know when to take time to chill, your body is the most precious piece of equipment, take care of it!

What do you wish you had known when you first started out?
More Japanese! Being a business owner can be tough, being a business owner in another country with different rules, language, customs and ideas is a wild ride! I am an Australian living in Japan with my gorgeous Japanese partner, I consider myself the luckiest kid in the world that I have his full support and endless help. I like being an independent business woman but I realize my limits and accept that I need a lot of support and help to do what I do. Being a foreigner here presents me with outstanding opportunities but there are also barriers that I find tough sometimes.

Are there any major misconceptions about your job or industry?
Lots of people come up to me and say, ‘Oh you are the hula hoop girl!” while swivelling their hips in a giant circular motion. That technique would never keep a hoop up for very long, but their giant hip action with imaginary hoop is entertaining for me to see. People also often assume that the only thing you can do with a hoop is spin it around your waist – definitely not true.

What is the best thing that’s happened to you as a consequence of the work you do?
Again, if I really thought about this and let loose I would be typing a crazy long list. My life has changed so much for the better. I have been given the opportunity to connect with some of the most inspiring, colorful and talented people in Japan, Australia and the US as well as others from around the globe. Hooping on some pretty major stages in Tokyo has been exhilarating, and looking forward to some even bigger shows globally. The chance to go to the USA for Hoop Camp, meet up with my idols and be one of the hoopers leading the San Francisco Love Fest Parade this year was a wonderfully wild experience.

The connections that I have made with other women through my teaching of hoop dance has really made an impact on my life. I have made so many wonderful friends as a result, I cherish this very much!

I have learned so much about who I am as a woman, a student, a business owner, a friend, a leader, a performer, a partner, a dancer, a learner and a teacher, I continue to soak up the learning experiences.

Physically I have become much stronger, more flexible, lost lingering fat and shaped myself into a form that I feel really comfortable with, that in itself is a really powerful transformation. I remember the days when I would wear a long t-shirt over my bikinis at the beach, these days I feel at ease whipping hoops around my body for hundreds of people dressed in little more than my underwear. I have found a path that makes me feel alive and more in tune with myself and others. I have got so much to be grateful for.

What motivates you to keep doing what you’re doing?
Seeing others gain joy and positive benefits from hoop dance, being part of a very creative global community, a desire to improve and a need to know what surprises are coming up next. Nurturing the relationships I have formed thanks to hoop dance and a need to strengthen my body and mind even more. Also, very honestly, I love the attention!

Do you think you’ll continue doing this for the rest of your life?
I have a lot to learn, I entered a very new world/industry at the age of 30, I feel like it has only just begun. I see myself as a learner and teacher for the rest of my life. I don’t think I will be performing for the rest of my life, I am 31 years old so I think I have a few years left to rock the stage. I see myself, in about 5 years, heading more strongly towards helping communities and schools to inject more right brain/ whole brain activities into their curriculum through hoops and other performing arts.

What are your next big steps?
Hoop Lovers collaborative dance workshops, Hoop Lovers retreats and Hoop Lovers in Australia. I am also looking into aerial hoop training and other forms of flow toy and fire art training. A gorgeous costume and glittering hoop range is in the making.

Who do you look up to within your industry & why?
I adore and admire the other strong, independent women of hoop dance, such as Bunny Hoop Star, Hoop Girl and Spiral, just to name a few. I am inspired by their openness to life, their individual style, I admire their voice, their ability to share their thoughts, ideas and strength with others. Beyond that I just love the way they move, groove and rock the hoops! Hoop Dance is definitely not just for women though, I am a huge fan of the powerful moves shaking up the hoop dance scene offered up by men such as Baxter and Rich. I am also a big fan of Philo Hagen, a Bay area hooper who keeps track of the global hoop dance scene via internet hooping mecca www.hooping.org.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: how to, inspiration, i want to be, life
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What Should I Wear?

[ 18 November 2008, 08:00 ]

People often email me saying,

“I’m (insert age) & (insert size), what should I wear?”

There is no real answer to this. No one “should” wear anything, except for something that makes them happy. Just because you think you’re too young, old, skinny or big, that doesn’t have anything to do with what you wear.

Curvy girls don’t have to dress to de-emphasise their shape, just like girls with little boobs don’t have to dust bronzer on their chest in an elaborate pattern so they can create the illusion of big breastisses. The whole concept is ridiculous. What is beautiful to me is not necessarily beautiful to you, & vice versa. Different things appeal to different people, & that’s wonderful! Who wants a homogenised society?

What you wear is entirely up to you! You are not obligated to wear something to please your mother, father, husband, wife, sister, brother, manager or local clergyman. You can, if you want to, but it isn’t usually a recipe for sartorial joy.

When you look at well-dressed people, the #1 thing you start to notice that they ALL have in common — regardless of their personal style, shape or budget — is that they look confident & happy with what they’re wearing! If you feel confident, you can get away with pretty much anything, & when it comes to that, I can’t tell you what will make you feel that way! Some of us like tutus, some of us like tuxedo pants, others like lederhosen. It’s a beautiful personal mystery, & one that only you can find the answers to.

If you want to know how to “minimise your problem areas”, buy a Trinny & Susannah book & be done with it, but honestly, that’s not the way to make yourself happy. You do not have to dress like a suburban mother just because you have a bangin’ booty, or luscious thighs, or a little belly!

Know this: There is no such thing as the perfect body. We all have different views of what is hot or sexy or crush-worthy, & that’s amazing, & to be embraced! You are gorgeous just as you are. Don’t hide yourself away because you don’t have Marilyn Monroe’s curves or Kate Moss’ frame.

For more information on decoding your own personal style, check out Top 5 Ways To Define Your Own Personal Style, What Does Your Clothing Say About You? & The Definition Of Real Style (Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying & Love The iCiNG). I’m going to be writing more on personal style really soon, probably on my flight to New Zealand today, in fact, so sit tight!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Want To Be... A Magazine Founder & Editor!

[ 10 November 2008, 08:04 ]

What is Coilhouse? It’s a love letter to alternative culture, in a time when alternative culture no longer exists. It’s the squirming, excitable brainchild of three amazing women: Meredith Yayanos, Nadya Lev & Zoetica Ebb. All three serve as editors, & all three bring their own unique experience & charms to the table. Coilhouse started as a blog in October 2007, & made the flying leap to print a little less than a year later, in August of ’08 — & with issue 02 due out before the end of the year, it’s clear that they have no intentions of slowing down any time soon! Their blog is brilliant, & their magazine is truly unparalleled. In a world where the word “magazine” is synonymous with “dross”, Coilhouse is glorious, a glistening tribute to all that is magnificent about ink on paper.

Of course, running a blog & putting together a magazine — especially when it’s not your full-time gig! — is a task of elephantine proportions. Here then, for your mind-blowing pleasure, is an interview with Meredith, Nadya & Zoetica!

Tell us about what you do.

Meredith: Well, in addition to this wonderful collaboration with Nadya and Zo, I do a few other jobby-type things: making music, performing with a circus, low-budget wardrobe and prop styling, and various boring part-time jobs. But at the heart of everything, I’m just another one of those typical, overstimulated Gen X spastics who’s constantly shouting “HOLY CRAP, do you know about ________? It’s amazing!” and tossing media at anyone willing to absorb it. Music, books, comics, movies, frippery, perverted internet memes, whatever. Just about all of my output reflects a compulsion to disseminate.

Nadya: Mer, Zo and I have been working on a magazine and blog called Coilhouse for a little over a year. We launched the blog in October ’07, released Issue 01 last August, and we’re just putting the final details on Issue 02, which will be out in December.

Zoetica: Coilhouse, the unruly baby conceived with my comrades Meredith and Nadya, is growing up fast and takes up much of my headspace. In addition to this alternative art and culture magazine/blog, I paint, draw, photograph ladies and desperately try to find time to read. Someimes I model, too. Not long ago, I was part of a cabaret troupe and spent about a year doing makeup, mostly special effects stuff. Unfortunately, I’m confined to a body that seems to require more than 2 hours of sleep every so often. While I’m looking into more efficient housing for my brain, caffeine is a close associate.

How long ago did you start on this path?

Meredith: I’m a lifelong bookworm and have always enjoyed writing. I’ve been dabbling in various forms of journalism since junior high, from making homemade zines, to editing my high school’s literary magazine, to co-running a college newspaper, to doing copy-editing and grunt work for a progressive rag in NYC, to penning columns for indie magazines, to the occasional freelance gig for more mainstream publications.

Nadya: My first print endeavor occurred in second grade, when my dad bought a Xerox machine. In junior high, I wrote some articles for the school paper. In high school, I got very involved with and eventually edited our literary magazine, Demogorgon. In college, my favorite class was called “Magazine Editing and Design.” Then I became interested in photography and began to contribute to all the alt-y publications: Gothic Beauty, Elegy, Meltdown, Marquis, Skin Two, etc.

Zoetica: Always being told that I would end up writing prevented me from doing it in my teenage years. The fact that I’m a huge bookworm, and thus hyper-critical of my own work, didn’t help. For a long time I filled dozens of journals cover to cover and excelled in school writing classes, but defiantly avoided taking writing seriously. It was difficult to shed my inhibitions, but in recent years much has changed and I finally feel like I have something to offer. Blogging helped a lot, actually. Writing in my own pressure-free webspace had everything to do with getting comfortable and eventually, getting serious.

How long were you doing it before you made it into your career or primary form of income?

Meredith: Wait, I’m supposed to be making real money doing this?!
But seriously, I only committed to journalism as a potentially viable career option once Coilhouse got cookin’.

Nadya: Because of the print quality and the fact that Coilhouse is available in major bookstores, it may look like our full-time job. I wish! It may happen some day, it may not. Right now we’re all working very hard at other jobs and pouring pretty much all the free time we have into the blog and the magazine.

Zoetica: That is just a hope at the present – photography remains my chief source of income. One day!

Did anything significant happen to get you to that point, or was it a series of small steps?

Meredith: The latter, mainly. I’ve been stubbornly persistent, and I’ve been plain lucky. One of the most unexpected (and lucky) turns was meeting Nadya two years ago. After a few months of knowing one another, she just asked, “hey, you want to try doing this thing with Zo and me?” I was pleasantly stunned and hopped aboard without thinking about it too much. And here we all are.

Nadya: There was one seriously humiliating moment that made me decide to start a magazine. The story goes like this: when I was 21, I landed the covers of both Gothic Beauty and the 50th-anniversary issue of Skin Two, which made me think that I was a hot shit photographer (I was not). High on the feeling of appearing in print, I set my sights on what I considered the next level: the fashion glossies. I called up their Manhattan offices leaving hopeful voicemails, never to hear back from a single one. But by some strange twist of fate, when I called up Flaunt, one of their founders, Long Nguyen, picked up the phone. He introduced himself and told me that he was stuck in the office working late on a deadline, and very agitated as a result. Naively, I began to tell him my story of being a young photographer dreaming of a shot to submit my work to their amazing magazine. Well, he totally shot me down. “Listen,” he said, “do you know how many people call us every day and try to get published? Dozens. Hundreds. You think you’re something special? You’re not. Do you know how much crap we’re forced to look at every day? You can’t even imagine.” We stayed on the phone for awhile, and he belittled every attempt I made to get them to even look at my work. Anxious to get off the phone with me, he cut off my pleas with a request for my phone number. “OK,” I said, “it’s 2-1-5…“ Before I could finish, he cut me off again, crying out exasperatedly: “OH my GOD, you’re not even in New York?!” He pretended to take down the rest of my number and hung up, leaving me deflated and humiliated. My dreams of being a part of a really cool magazine were crushed. That’s when I realized how much I loved magazines. I’d show him. I’d show all of them! In hindsight, the whole thing’s really funny. I still love Flaunt.

Zoetica: Back in Russia, my father was a journalist and my mother worked for a publishing house, so the industry had long been part of my life. I’d been writing on my website and for the Suicidegirls newswire when Nadya approached me about starting a web and print magazine. By this time I’d had a taste of being published – my art, photography and modeling work had all been printed in various mags and I was hungry for more. With writing experience now under my belt I could hardly wait to get started on a new project. The more I talked with Nadya, the more I realized this was something I would dedicate myself to long-term; electricity was in the air. We were thrilled when Mer came on board and thus our little trinity was forged.

Do you think official qualifications are important for someone entering your industry?

Meredith: I don’t think an official collegiate degree is necessary, but one must, at the very least, be a devoted autodidact. One should be well-read, and I think it’s crucial to have a solid grasp of grammar and syntax. The following unofficial qualifications are equally important: reflexive problem-solving skills, a healthy imagination, and the ability to graciously give and receive constructive criticism. Most importantly, I think we all have to be responsible about what we say and how we say it. Especially in these frontier days on the info superhighway, where anyone can claim authority and say anything they like… and the same goes for self-publishing.

Nadya: The traditional way to get a job at a big-time magazine is to get an internship and work up from there. In order to even get that internship, most times you need to have a degree. If you’re outside the print industry and looking to start your own magazine, I still believe that having some experience is crucial. Mer, Zo and I all had some experience in print before working together on Coilhouse. Not enough experience to get a call for a job interview from Conde Nast, but enough to feel confident going into it and start researching in areas we knew we lacked. So to anyone that wants to start a magazine, I’d suggest you help at least one other magazine first. If nothing else, it’ll help you decide if it’s something that you really want to do.

Zoetica: Above all, deep respect for the work along with passion for constant improvement are essential.

What do you think is the best thing about working for yourself?

Meredith: Making my own hours and basically just ruminating about whatever I feel passionately about. Getting paid a bit of pocket money to sit in a cafe or a park or on my rooftop, writing about whatever pumps my ‘nads? Bliss.

Zoetica: Besides the benefits of making my own schedule and doing what I love? Waking up and having the first thought in my head be “Coilhouse”. Even though I’ve always been consumed with various endeavors, the notion of something a partnership has poured its heart and soul into is immensely gratifying in a completely different way.

What’s the worst thing?

Meredith: As I’ve said, I’m an active freelance musician. At this point, I still make most of my bread that way. I have session work, bands I tour with, teaching gigs, and recording projects with strict deadlines. Balancing my time (and my brain) between writerly and musical obligations can get stressful. Also, living hand-to-mouth is not fun. Still, I vastly prefer my life as it is to cubicle purgatory, and I’m grateful every day that I get to do what I’m doing.

Zoetica: My time management has suffered greatly. Presently, I’m happy with the illustrations I’ve been creating for the print magazine – it’s the one way I’ve been able to combine my two biggest passions. I’m still trying to smoothly make time to work on everything else I love while leaving time for actual fun. Life is short and stopping to enjoy it is of dire importance, but it’s been a precarious balancing act thus far.

Rate how happy you are with what you do out of 100 (100 being the best, 0 being devastatingly awful) on an average day.

Meredith: I’m happier right now with what I’ve been able to accomplish career-wise than I’ve ever been. But there’s still a lot of room for improvement, so I’ll say I’m at a respectable 89. Not too shabby, right?

Nadya: 95. I don’t take a moment of this for granted. It’s not always “fun,” but I remind myself every day that many people don’t come as close to realizing their dream as we have. There are days when things definitely don’t go our way, even some days on which I want to give up. That’s why it’s 95, not 100. But I definitely try to keep those moments to a minimum.

Zoetica: I’m not an easily satisfied person so I’d place myself at 80. I’ll be truly happy only when I’m finally able to paint and write simultaneously, while looking out at my parked rocket from the balcony of my Martian tower.

Would you call yourself a workaholic, & if so, are you alright with that?

Meredith: Yep. I’m a workaholic, and I’ve got my fingers in a lot of pies. Don’t sleep much, and run on caffeine and adrenaline. I’m all right with that, mainly because I can’t remember ever being any other way. I have a feeling my comrades may give you similar answers. We’re some high-steppin’ fillies.

Nadya: I am not a textbook workaholic. I’m a person of extremes; when I work hard, I work really hard, sacrificing food and sleep to get a task done. But when I decide that I don’t want to work, I turn into a vegetable; I don’t return emails, I don’t charge my dead phone, and I usually end up doing something useless that I take very little pleasure in, like having an ANTM marathon on YouTube. With Coilhouse, a lot of my bad work habits have improved, but they’re still there. At my best, I do work very hard and reward myself with a type of rest that’s actually positive for me, like going for a walk, reading or visiting friends. Even though Coilhouse is technically my “second full-time job,” I really believe in work-life balance. I just wish I was better at managing my time.

Zoetica: It’s a truth I’m comfortable with accepting, yes. This level of madness is not only normal but necessary for small startups such as ours. Mer, Nadya and I are constantly busy with a variety of personal projects while keeping the Coilhouse engine chugging – workaholism is the holy juice the gets us through it all.

Do you think that’s normal for your industry?

Meredith: Oh, definitely. You’re going to find restless, multi-tasking, frantic type A folks in just about any line of work, but journalists are an especially hyper-extended lot.

What would your number one suggestion be for someone who wants to do what you do?

Meredith: Stay curious, stay open, and really make the effort to listen to people when they speak. Empathy. Always.

Nadya: Get a job that’s completely separate from your most ambitious pursuits, and use it to fund what you want to do most. It’s sad but true: what we love to do often gives us very little money, and what we’re good at, but not passionate about, is what pays the bills. The idea is that eventually, you can take off doing your own thing, but not overnight. So in the meantime, learn to enjoy that job – don’t treat it as the obstacle that prevents you from doing what you love, but what enables you to do it. Learn as much as you can there and apply it to what you love to do in your spare time.

Zoetica: Read. It may not sound like much, but when you life is taken over by magazine work, time to read becomes precious and vital. Brains need input to produce good writing – it’s impossible to have one without the other. Read, damn it.

...How about number two?

Meredith: Read and write constantly. Seriously, write something creative every single day. Don’t worry if it’s caca. Just keep the channel open.

Nadya: Learn to listen to other people. A magazine is a collaborative venture, and you have to surrender your ego and listen to what others say. If you do this with the right people – people who also listen to you – that’s when the best possible product emerges.

Zoetica: Understanding the production process is just as important as polishing your writing and research! Get to know all aspects of the business end, even if business is not your direct responsibility.

What do you wish you had known when you first started out?

Meredith: Honestly, I wish I’d had more confidence in myself and my abilities in my early-to-mid twenties. I was too timid. I should have just gone for it, instead of waiting around for permission from… who? From no one! Morrissey said it well: “Shyness is nice, and / Shyness can stop you / From doing all the things in life you’d like to.”

Nadya: I wish I’d known more about the advertising side of things. I still do. We’re trying different things and we’ve had success selling ads, but not as quickly as I’d like. Magazines live and die by their ad revenue, and that’s really what we need in order for the magazine to stand on its own.

Zoetica: I wish I’d taken my writing seriously, sooner. I wish I’d known everything there is to know about the business of publishing and advertising. Ultimately, however, there’s no way to know all without trying it out hands on. Actually doing this has been the greatest learning experience I could have asked for.

Are there any major misconceptions about your job or industry?

Meredith: That print is dead. For alternative publications like Coilhouse, it’s anything but! Another misconception: that a tiny, close-knit, somewhat green group of folks can’t pony up to create a marketable publication that’s really engaging, relevant and beautiful. We’re proof that it’s possible.

Nadya: I think a lot of people believe that running a traditional print magazine and a very involved, daily-updated blog with lots of original content are mutually exclusive activities. But for us, the two formats are inexorably linked. We pour just as much effort into the blog as the print magazine, and at this stage one can’t exist without the other. If not for all the people who bought the magazine because they found out about it through the blog, we wouldn’t be able to put out Issue 02. And if not for our blog, we wouldn’t have been able to attract some of our collaborators, advertisers and distributors as fast as we did. Our main national distributor, RCS, said to us: “if your magazine is anything like your blog, we will carry you starting with Issue 01.” So there you go.

Zoetica: That alternative culture is an ominous creature of exclusivity. It is not so! Nurturing the strange and off-beat does not mean simultaneously spouting hatred at all things mainstream. Too often fringe media sources take a stance of habitual disillusionment. I cannot agree with this toxic and wasteful world view. At Coilhouse, we curate content that gets us excited, in hope of igniting the same kind of inspiration in our readers. We’re not shy to yell “Hey, peeps – check out this awesome thing we love!” and our slogan “Inform / Inspire / Infect” illustrates this credo well.

What is the best thing that’s happened to you as a consequence of the work you do?

Meredith: Coilhouse has helped to foster a really nurturing online community, and I’ve made some wonderful friends because of it. The overwhelming majority of readers I’ve communicated with are folks I’d love to have over for tea. These are curious, intelligent people who favor sincerity over snark, and creativity over cynicism. Creating a space for that has been so important to me, and really healing on a personal level.

Nadya: It’s going to sound sappy, but the best thing has really been the people I’ve met and friendships I’ve made. Our readers, our contributors, our advertisers… everyone we’ve come in contact with has been awesome. When we had our launch party, I was just floored by how diverse the readership was. Doing Coilhouse has exposed me to a more interesting and diverse group than ever before.

Zoetica: Without a doubt, the wonderful community that’s come together through this project. Because of Coilhouse I’ve aligned with people I hope to know indefinitely. When we started out I couldn’t have dreamed of such a curious, erudite and all around formidable bunch to stick by us through this endeavor.

What motivates you to keep doing what you’re doing?

Meredith: Working as a team with Zo and Nadya, and knowing that we’re all counting on one another to keep this going, definitely spurs me onward. I think it’s safe to say that all three of us really want Coilhouse to grow and evolve, and we’re all working really hard to keep improving and expanding the venture.

Nadya: Mostly the idea that it gets better all the time. We’re comparing the proofs from Issue 02 to Issue 01, and it looks like a totally different magazine – in a good way. The blog currently has 5 times the number of readers that it had a year ago. The quality of writing and amount of different guest contributors has gone up. We’re still learning new things, branching out. We have a lot to look forward to.

Zoetica: Knowing that we can reach so many. A kid from the boonies without web access can now come across our magazine at a local store and discover an entirely new universe. This really began to sink in when we received an email from college students who found us in their school’s book shop. It’s a wonderful and humbling sensation that makes me want to do better, always.

Do you think you’ll continue doing this for the rest of your life?

Meredith: Well, I know I’ll always be a writer, and I’m pretty sure I’ll still be the same ol’ culture vulture when I’m 93, zooming around on a prune fart-powered jetpack, hurling obscure records and esoteric books at people’s heads. As for Coilhouse specifically? Who knows! But let’s shoot for the moon.

Nadya: There are many other things that I want to do in life that I feel Coilhouse will prepare me for. My real passion is writing, and all the writing I’ve been doing for Coilhouse is helping me come out of my shell and get comfortable with the process, just the same way that doing photography helped me figure out that I want to do a magazine. But I think that if Coilhouse succeeds that it’ll be a very fulfilling outlet and rewarding collaboration for many years.

Zoetica: I’ll always be an artist, writer – of this I can be sure. I’ll always seek warmth in particular corners of the world and the web, where like-minded individuals cluster and exchange ideas. Of course, the future is uncertain but I hope with all my might that Coilhouse will continue to flourish. And I intend to do everything within my power to make it so. To victory!

What are your next big steps?

Meredith: I want to become more financially stable, buy some health insurance, and find a way to travel and write about it. Mostly, I just want to keep doing what I’m doing. So, in other words, I really want to see Coilhouse chew bubblegum and kick ass.

Nadya: As far as making the magazine succeed, it’s all about getting more advertisers.

Zoetica: Bigger, better, faster, stronger! Beyond that, I’m in the early brainstorming phase of designing Coilhouse merchandise. Earlier this year I joined forces with future fashion label Plastik Wrap to create a limited T-shirt line with the Coilhouse space girl on them, but that’s just the beginning.

Who do you look up to within your industry & why?

Meredith: My old friends Douglas Wolk and Warren Ellis spring immediately to mind. Those two inspire the holy effing hell out of me. Douglas is one of the most consistently imaginative, thoughtful journalists working these days. Warren, in addition to being a prolific and gifted storyteller, has this uncanny knack for online curating/networking/tastemaking. Both are walking encyclopedias, both are generous with what they learn, and each has patiently helped me muddle through all sorts of ungainly creative molting processes over the last ten years. I’ve got a slew of mentors back in NYC: musician/musicologist/professor Kyle Gann (brilliant guy, got me my first internship at the Village Voice), musician/bootlegger/know-it-all Sport Murphy (proof that you can always cram a little bit more information into your cranium, and that cynicism and worldliness need never overtake one’s sense of wonder), singer/composer/radio programmer David Garland (a gentle, thoughtful man whose interview style reveals the vital importance of really hearing something), and radio personality/landmark preservationist/outsider music expert Irwin Chusid (a top tier documentarian and chronicler who never worries about whether his subject matter will have an audience, and whose career is a great example of the success one can have if they just trust their inner compass). Suzanne Gerber (Wurzeltod) continues to impress me to no end. Then there’s that weirdo over at Ectomo, Ross Rosenberg; he’s ridiculously clever and funny. On that same tip, I’m dying to bake Cintra Wilson some red velvet cupcakes, and I’d love to snort some of Hunter S. Thompson’s ashes.

Nadya: In the publishing industry, I definitely admire Sandra Yates, the woman who founded Sassy. Yates was a single mom of two who worked as a typist, a messenger and a secretary before becoming the only woman on a sales staff of 30 at an Australian daily paper. Yates was sent to the US for two weeks, and there she got the idea to launch Sassy, one of the most progressive and meaningful publications ever made. Yates was not directly, creatively involved with the magazine, but she made the right decisions about who could make it work, like when she hired a then-unknown, 24-year-old Jane Pratt to helm the project. Doing sales for Sassy must have been an incredibly difficult job because the magazine rarely backed down from controversial topics. Why would anyone want to advertise in a new teen magazine that sparked boycotts in the Midwest when they could put ads in the tried-and-tested, decades-old publications like Seventeen and YM? It was Yates’ job to convince advertisers why, and she kept the magazine afloat against all odds for many years. Going way back in history, I really admire Kurt Schwitters and El Lissitsky, who, in the 20s and 30s, collaborated on Merz Magazine – one of the most beautiful avant-garde magazines ever made. It still looks awesome. I was looking at a lot of Merz when trying to plan a layout for Coilhouse. Another person who really inspires me is Darby Romeo, who published Ben is Dead. Darby had a very distinctive voice and proved to me that you don’t need a big company to publish a cool magazine. My boyfriend at the time bought me a copy of their last-ever issues at Borders. I also have tremendous respect for Mark Frauenfelder, who published bOING bOING magazine starting 1988. The BoingBoing blog has been in action for over 10 years, and continues to fascinate and inspire me. It really is the best.

Zoetica: Fellow artist and writer Jhonen Vasquez has seen me through work endeavours of the past 8 years. He reminds me to work hard and not to take anything too seriously. Warren Ellis is a brilliant storyteller, productivity machine and perpetual source of awe. There is a growing network of brilliant young women here in the US who stop at nothing to do what they love. One of them is artist, entrepreneur and kindred spirit Molly Crabapple; she continues to show me that drive is everything and is one motivating young lady. From the old school: Mikhail Bulgakov, who started out as a journalist but is best known for his novels, and the irreverent science fiction gods Strugatsky brothers. They remain my biggest inspirations to this day.Though some of the Soviet nuance gets lost in translation, I don’t think anyone’s life is complete until they’ve read The Master and Margarita and Roadside Picnic.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Can't Stop Shopping. Help Me!

[ 29 October 2008, 13:20 ]

Gala Darling – I Can’t Stop Shopping. Help Me! (mp3)
Right-click to save, or click to play.

“I used to laugh off the fact that I was always in debt and a bit of a shopaholic. Now I realise I actually have a very serious problem.

I go to uni in a city and so every day I go past shops which draw me in and I end up spending anything around £50 a day on stuff I could do without. But I literally can’t stop. I don’t know what to do.

I feel like I don’t want to stop as I get such a buzz but feel so sick with guilt and worry over my debts.

My debts from shopping are around £2000. I know this may not seem much but I am a student with rent to pay and I only get a £4000 loan a year. I feel like I need to go to rehab or something!

I feel so bad because my boyfriend is so helpful and lends me money to pay off my overdraft but once I am in the black I just go straight back out and spend it again. I can’t, literally can’t save money. Please help.”

Ah, the rollercoaster ride that is shopping-when-you-have-no-money. Of course, it’s fun, it’s a little dangerous, you know it’s kind of stupid but hey! That bank gave me that credit card, right?! They wouldn’t have given it to me if they didn’t trust me with it… I know what I’m doing… I can pay it back easily…

& so you go out & you spend, & you walk home high on the scent of receipt paper & bulging shopping bags, & you throw open the front door & set everything down in the living room. An hour or two later, you walk back into the living room & regard what you’ve done. What is this thing? Why did you buy that? This isn’t even going to go with anything else! You can’t wear that, you’ll look like Beyonce on an off day. Oh, god. Why did I do that?

You start to feel guilty about what you’ve bought. I shouldn’t have spent all that money. What was I thinking?! You don’t sleep very well that night. & your feelings of inertia & fear fuel you to go out & do it all again the next day. & the day after that. & the day after that.

We all have moments where we go shopping for a pick-me-up, to make ourselves feel better or to distract ourselves from whatever is going on in our lives. But there’s a very definite line between being an occasional emotional shopper & spending so much that it actually scares you — & most of us know which side of that line we’re on.

Let me explain something. Banks are not your friend. I know, they’re all smiley & big teeth & “Here, have a Visa with a $5000 limit!”, & “You’re a trusted customer, how would you like to push that limit to $10,000?”, & “Sign up for this card & spend your way to oblivion with no interest for 24 months!” — but they are not doing this for your benefit. They are doing it for THEIRS. They don’t like you! They like their profit margins! They COUNT on people like you to spend way, way, way beyond their means, so they can jack up the fees & make an absolute killing off your chosen form of therapy/self-destruction. The system is set up so that THEY WIN. Never forget that.

Another thing. Your boyfriend needs to stop bailing you out. I don’t mean to get all Dr Phil on you, but honestly, even though he thinks he is being helpful, kind & sweet, what he’s actually doing is enabling your behaviour. You continue to spend carte blanche because you know, in the back of your mind, that he is always going to be there to look after you. It’s a nice thought. Comforting. I don’t blame you, to be honest.

But what would happen if you broke up? The credit card company might decide they want the full balance of your credit card back. Immediately. As in, now. If you can’t pay it, they could sue you to get the money, or give your details to a debt collection company who will hound you day & night, at work & at home, or re-possess your stuff. Not to mention having a bad credit record makes it almost impossible to do anything like open accounts with cellphone companies, etc.

The temporary thrill you get from shopping is not worth the fiscal hell you are heading towards. Honestly. & I say this as someone who understands — very well! — the bliss of a new purchase.

Even if you never break up — even if you’re together forever & ever — do you really want to be beholden to him like that? Do you want him to always take responsibility for you? It might sound appealing at first, but it plays hell on your self esteem. How can you feel good about yourself when you’re not really holding the reins?

Really though, as with most problems people have, this whole thing stems from your emotions. If I were you, I’d look a little more closely at my life to try & understand why you have this compulsive need to shop. I’d agree that you have a problem, because your behaviour is starting to negatively affect your life, & yet you still continue to do it. So, ask yourself some questions. What are you so unhappy about that you’re so desperate to distract yourself from? What’s the void you’re trying to fill with stuff, & where did it come from?

Since 2005, New York therapist April Lane Benson, author of the book “I Shop, Therefore I Am,” has had participants in her group psychotherapy sessions keep journals and shopping lists that track their moods, their impulses and their household needs. When contemplating a purchase, Benson’s patients are asked to record their answers to questions such as “Why am I here?,” “How do I feel?,” “Do I need this?,” “What if I wait?,” “How will I pay for it?” and “Where will I put it?” (Buying Trouble: When Shopping Becomes A Compulsion)

There are a lot of practical tips I can give you, like cut up your credit cards; get a part-time job & start paying the damn thing off; freeze your credit card in a glass of water so you can’t use it; set it on fire & dance around it naked; only allow yourself to pay for things in cash; give yourself an allowance of £10 a day (& if you can’t be trusted with it, have your boyfriend physically hand it to you every morning); when you feel out of control & like you want to shop, exercise instead; start seeing a counsellor; tell someone about your problem & call them when you feel the need to buy a huge ugly poncho, etc. But none of that is going to help you as long as you’re driven by this huge emotional vacuum.

Don’t underestimate the power of how you feel. As long as you still feel empty or lost or confused or whatever it is that makes you want to shopshopshop, that urge to spend will always have you in its stranglehold.

Your unhappiness could come from all sorts of places. Having a sucky job is a likely candidate, as is feeling bored or disinterested at university, dissatisfaction with a major relationship, feeling lonely or like you don’t really know where you’re heading in life. Take a good, hard look at what’s really going on. Don’t play it off or pretend like it doesn’t really matter or ignore your pain. Face facts, make a list, & then start thinking up solutions. If you’re really stumped, you can ask your friends if they have any ideas, too. There is a way to fix every problem, you might just have to think differently.

Then, like with anything else that has the potential to improve your life, you have to take action. You have to decide that yes, you’re good enough, & important enough, & fabulous enough that your life should be great, & happier than it is now. You are worth taking a scary risk for. You are worth the effort. & if you don’t take those first, terrifying, stumbling steps, no one else is going to do it for you.

So take action.

Extra For Experts:
How Can I Manage Compulsive Shopping & Spending Addiction?
Shop ‘Til You Drop: Battling Compulsive Shopping

Love letters & feather headdresses,

Comment [55]
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Parisian Style

[ 21 October 2008, 11:42 ]

Much is made of the allegedly superior style of French women — Parisians especially. There was a point a couple of years ago where books on how to live, dress, eat & act like a French woman were being churned out at an alarming rate. That’s slightly de mode now, but when I was in Paris a couple of weeks ago, I made a point of observing the style of the women around me. (I always do, I can’t help it, but this time I made a concerted effort because I was interested in what might have sparked all those previous authors.) Obviously it’s impossible to typify an entire city full of women & the way they dress, but I noticed that French women — or at least Parisian women — do have a very definite aesthetic, despite their individual stylistic differences.

I started making some notes, & they have evolved into the piece below. I hope you enjoy it & of course if you are a French woman, or have lots of experience with them, please feel free to say your bit & share your thoughts!

Parisian women know the importance of good basics (& don’t scrimp on them)
One of the first things I noticed was that even though the temperature had only just started to drop, all the women I saw (honestly, pretty much without exception) were totally kitted out. By this I mean that I didn’t see any of them huddling & looking cold in the Métro. They all had great coats, scarves & good winter boots.

I don’t know how often French women shop, so whether the coats were brand new or not is a mystery to me. The point is that everyone had them. They were good quality coats, clean & smart-looking. This is not to say that they were expensive necessarily, but they were definitely well-made & stylish.

Parisian women seem to grasp the concept that a coat, scarf & boots are going to be their major sartorial staples for at least a few months, & so they buy with this in mind. If you think about it, during winter, all anyone really sees are your coat & shoes, so it makes total sense to get the best you can.

For more tips, see How To Buy A Winter Coat!

Parisian women work from a consistent colour palate
There was not a lot of colour to be seen in Paris, at least when it came to clothing — not on the people or in the shops — but one thing I learned from a few women I spoke to is that they tend to shop with a limited colour palate in mind. This means that they have probably determined ahead of time what works for them & their skin-tone, & they stick to it.

One problem a lot of women have is that they get carried away with excitement & end up buying a raspberry beret (!), a lime green waistcoat or a pair of pink cowboy boots… & then don’t know how to work them into their wardrobe. Obviously if your closet is extensive & well-stocked, this might not be so much of a problem, but most women don’t have that luxury. & so that colourful poncho languishes at the back of the cupboard, because you just cannot work out what to put it with.

If you make a decision to work from a few colours — maybe black, beige, white, royal blue & red, for example — it makes your entire sartorial experience about a billion times more simple & cohesive. While this might sound boring (& it’s certainly not a rule I adhere to — I am totally prone to flights of fancy where I buy turquoise cardigans), if you feel like your style’s a bit of a mess & you don’t know where to begin fixing it, paring the colours down is a great place to start.

Parisian women don’t want to look “perfect”
The major difference between the look of Parisian women & American women that I can see is that Americans want to look absolutely perfect, with not a hair out of place. It’s very pageant style, very shiny teeth. Parisian women don’t want to look that way, & while they may spend just as much time getting ready in the morning, it’s not so that you could blast their head with a leaf-blower & have no effect. Parisian women often wear their hair loose & down, tucked into their scarf or coat if the weather is horrible, or pulled back in a messy chignon. This is one of those things that helps add to that tousled, sex kitten look that so many women are crazy about trying to achieve. You won’t look like that if your hair is pulled back so severely it doubles as an amateur face-lift!

Okay, so let me make a disclaimer & say that this is not to say that you can leave the house with soup stains on your skirt & safety-pins holding your sleeve together. It’s about looking effortless, not being effortless!

Allow yourself to get a little dishevelled. If you don’t know how to make that happen, get dressed, then have sex, then leave the house. Simple, non?!

Parisian women don’t wear a lot of make-up
One thing I heard years ago was that French women aren’t wild about make-up, but they are crazy for treatments, potions & powders. Apparently the average French woman’s medicine cabinet is a veritable apothecary, the likes of which would make a mad scientist beam with pride.

Regardless of their penchant for slathering strange creams on themselves, Parisian women really don’t wear a lot of make-up. I barely saw a lipsticked mouth the whole time I was there. Most of them seemed pretty content with a bit of foundation, rouge, eye-liner & mascara. I always thought of stereotypical sexy French rock & roll style as being a girl with long messy hair & slightly unkempt eye make-up, but I didn’t see any of those girls. Maybe they only exist in my imagination…

Parisian women take their time
This is not to say that they dawdle or plod around, because they certainly don’t. But the French, generally, understand that time is precious, & they make the most of it. Yes, they work hard, but they also make time to relax & look after themselves — unlike most Americans or English, who seem intent on working themselves into an early grave!

They make time to have a bath, go for walks & spend time with their friends. They’re not constantly running around with dangerously high blood pressure. They understand that life is about balance. Life doesn’t have to be perfectly structured & pulled tight in order to be satisfying. They’re okay with letting go of the reins.

Parisian women keep it simple
Parisian women seem to manage to avoid the temptation to load on accessories & gee-gaws. Maybe they all subscribe to Coco Chanel’s old adage of “take one thing off before you leave the house”, or maybe the overdone look just doesn’t appeal as much. Regardless of the reason, it’s much easier to look chic & polished if you have fewer elements fighting for attention.

Parisian women wear heels — a lot
Before you rush out & rack up a hideous credit card bill at ChristianLouboutin.fr (I know you & your quick-draw Visa!), stop! Yes, very high heels are sexy. But only some of them are comfortable, & spending a lot of money on a pair of kicks unfortunately doesn’t make them cozy. (You would think they would pass some kind of law stipulating that if a pair of shoes retails for over $500, you should be able to stand up in them without feelings of intense agony, but hey!)

So the most important thing to realise is that yes, a lot of Parisian women wear heels a lot of the time, but they wear heels they can walk in! & stand in! & actually feel alright in! Sometimes this means a little kitten heel, & sometimes it means something higher, but you really won’t know until you try something on. My point is, Parisian women make the effort with their footwear but they don’t murder themselves in the process.

Be good to your tootsies, they’re the only ones you’ve got! (Unless you have some kind of strange affliction… In which case, sorry. But go nuts on the shoes!)

Extra For Experts:
JAK & JIL BLOG has lots of French model style for your perusal. (It happens to be one of my new favourite blogs, too.)
The Sartorialist shoots in Paris regularly, though unfortunately his “Women in Paris” tag doesn’t seem to be working. Just scroll!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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100 Ways To Be A Love Letter To The Universe

[ 20 October 2008, 20:23 ]

Do your lips up sticky, sparkly & sweet. Then blow kisses. Say thank you. Allow other people to inspire you. Share your bliss. Smile — even if you’re shy, even if you have bad teeth, even if it scares you. Hold someone’s hand. Be honest. Volunteer your time. Love yourself. Do your best. Learn how to balance having respect for other people’s decisions & being true to yourself. Tell people how much you like them. Send unexpected gifts. Talk to strangers. Do favours. Let go. Be generous. Eat whatever you want without guilt. Don’t think about other people’s definitions of success, beauty or happiness. Make your own rules. Write your own guidebook. Count your blessings. Never stop trying to improve. Be your own superhero. Aim higher. Contribute. Create spaces for other people to enjoy. Sleep in. Let other people sleep in, too. Be compassionate. Listen. Give yourself time off. Be enthusiastic. Choose happiness. Create. Follow your passion. Connect. Compliment people. Spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself. Surprise yourself. Appreciate the people who support you. Take photos; document everything. Have a plan. Know your patterns. Be in the present. Laugh. Get close. Move through your fear. Challenge yourself. Keep it simple. Turn up the music. Realise your own freedom. Relax. Flirt. Dress up in some small way every day. Even if it’s just a good pair of knickers or a coat of death-defying mascara. Be different. Be genuine. Allow yourself to change & evolve. Dream big. Believe that you can manifest anything. Take responsibility. Treat everyone the same way — from your lover to your mother to your postman. Appreciate your past for having made you the person you are. Talk about how you feel. Dance. Sing. Let go of guilt. Treat your lovers with respect. Admit your flaws. ...& come up with a plan to remedy them. Surprise people. Set yourself a really huge goal. Then achieve it & set another one. Kiss. A lot. Remember that trouble doesn’t last. Be still. Look at the stars. Be as ridiculous as you like. Trust that you are loved. Stay curious. Charm people. Give real hugs. Bat your eyelashes. Forget yourself. Reach out. Flatter people. Get drunk on life. Release your expectations of other people. Allow them to be who they are, & appreciate them regardless. Stretch. Listen to your instincts. Make eye contact. Keep your word. Talk about real things. Discover yourself. Speak up. Let life excite you & lead you astray. Delight in every day. Don’t be afraid. Just love.

“It took us so long to realize that a purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.” — Kurt Vonnegut.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Want To Be... A Lingerie Designer!

[ 20 October 2008, 08:58 ]

Tell us about what you do.
I run my own Lingerie and Accessories company called Loulou Loves You! The site has a lingerie range currently consisting of knickers and boudoir jackets then an accessories range with my own ‘bow emporium’ featuring bows in all sizes as headbands and brooches. Everything is designed and handmade by me using only 100% silks and cottons. I’m just completing my Winter 08/09 range that will be expanding on all the current items and bringing in loads of new ones, I’m super excited!

How long ago did you start on this path?
Loulou Loves You has been open for business for just over a year now. It’s been quite an adventure to get to this point. After school I moved to London to study Fine Art. I completed two years of studying and when I was 21 I very suddenly became horribly ill with a chronic pain condition called Fibromyalgia and was unable to finish my degree and had to move back home. The condition rendered me unable to do almost anything at all but when the worst was over I started to rebuild my life about two years later, my college was happy to let me come back to complete my last two years I felt like I had changed so much whilst being away that my idea of my life was different too. I had this urge to learn something more skill based to do with on of my main interests, fashion. I moved to Brighton (the seaside – best for recovery!) and decided to take dressmaking and pattern cutting classes just once a week, the rest of my time I babysat and rested to get back my health. During this time my love affair with lingerie really began and my friend and I used to talk about having a ‘pant empire’ because we were always buying all sorts of cute knickers and obsessing over them. When my courses were finished I knew that it was time to move back to London and really rebuild my life. I started researching into what I might want to do and it was Lingerie design that just grabbed me. I found a year long C&G course at Kensington and Chelsea college and ta daaaa!

How long were you doing it before you made it into your career or primary form of income?
Whilst I was on my Lingerie course I became so enthusiastic about it due to firstly it just ‘clicking’ and also being so inspired by my tutor who was a successful designer herself. I knew that when I finished I wanted to aim high and start my own business! Why not go for it when I felt like my life had been in limbo for so long? It was also only in about 2006 that I actually was almost healthy again and I really noticed very suddenly ‘Oh my god, I feel ok!’ and it was that which made me the most ready to get going.

I thought that If I was going to set up my own business then I wanted to be able to focus on it 100%. I was very lucky to have savings behind me that meant I could just work on the company. As a small business owner in the early stages it’s still very new and I’m not at the point where I can lay back and let the money roll in just yet! I have a two days a week other job that keeps me on my toes and helps me out when pennies are low!

Did anything significant happen to get you to that point, or was it a series of small steps?
Really like I said above it was just me deciding to take the plunge. Having been sick I really felt like I was behind on my life and although of course I’m far from it I was feeling ‘old’ and really just wanted to dive in. I could have carried on with some more courses etc but I just felt like I was ready, also it coincidentally tied in with the fact that the job I was doing part time (working as a nanny) came to an end at the exact point that I wanted to go it alone so it felt like a sign and I grabbed it!

Do you think official qualifications are important for someone entering your industry?
Yes and no, I don’t think you need to have a qualification from the best lingerie school or fashion course but you do need to have the skills. I of course came into this at a different angle, using my Pattern cutting / Dressmaking / Art and Design and then lingerie skills but I never took a Fashion design degree. Do I think I might be better if I had? Often yes but can I be successful without? Of course! I just spend time when I can teaching myself skills and practising what I know. If I’m having trouble then I ask friends or look to books for advice. At the moment I do everything myself from designing to making the patterns to hand making each item and I definitely like the idea of one day being able to put a team together!

What do you think is the best thing about working for yourself?
Setting your own schedule! I try and keep to an average work day, I am always in my studio by 9.30am and then work till probably 7pm but very often till midnight depending on how busy I am. It’s nice to be able to switch time around too, like spend an afternoon with a friend and then work extra on the weekends or nights, a luxury that you don’t get to do with an office job for instance. It’s also really awesome to know that it’s all mine and so when everything is going well I know that it’s because of the hard work I have put it and I deserve it!

What’s the worst thing?
Setting your own schedule! Yep the pros and cons come together. It took me a good six months to actually get into a schedule, it’s very easy to be all ‘Ooh I work for myself so I can lay in till 2pm’. Also my studio is in my house which means I have about a million ways to procrastinate if I want to. The other thing which takes getting used to is that I spend most of my time on my own so I have to enjoy my own company, I combat this by having people come to my house for lunch etc. so I don’t feel like such a hermit… in my knicker prison as I like to say!

Rate how happy you are with what you do out of 100 (100 being the best, 0 being devastatingly awful) on an average day.
I would say about 85 on average…This week it’s been about 50 because I’ve been having a fight with a camisole pattern!... But when I have it worked out then I will probably feel about 120! I do have a good sense of perspective though because if I am not feeling so great about everything I just look back at 6 years ago and know that I’m in an amazing place right now.

Would you call yourself a workaholic, & if so, are you alright with that? Do you think that’s normal for your industry?
Yes and no, I’m not naturally, naturally I am a gigantic daydreamer who could easily spend an entire day doodling on a bit of paper but right now I would say yes because I am really focused on completing all my jobs. I think if you are running a business yourself then you have to try and be a workaholic as it’s essentially only you that’s going to get things done. If I stop then everything stops. I think it’s just important to try and set goals for yourself and work through them.

What would your number one suggestion be for someone who wants to do what you do?
Do it! But do it with a good business plan and consideration first! When I started out, being a creative person my head was filled with all these fanciful dreams, you know a studio filled with bunnies and kittens and photo booths and an ice cream parlour and a giant cloud above my head filled with ideas while they magically were sewn around me… but luckily my sister is a bit of a business genius and she brought me down to earth by insisting on helping me do a business plan. One point became 80, each with an expansion of about ten. You need a plan because there are so many things that can go wrong and if you think of them all first then you are ahead of the game!

...How about number two?
Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams, even if it seems impossible, if you have an idea then why not look at how it can work? You can’t lose anything by research. Maybe think of a friend who you could start out with, share the ideas and the responsibility, look into ways to get grants and loans. There are always ways to work towards your ambitions.

What do you wish you had known when you first started out?
Probably how hard it is to do everything myself. I never wanted to start up with a bunch of people but I really understand now why people need assistants and PR people etc., because it’s amazing how time consuming everything is. Essentially I want to be designing and creating and so I get frustrated when I have to spend all day doing paper work or something. I’ve just taken on an amazing friend to be my PR girl and I’m already feeling how much better it is. I can’t wait to be able to afford to have a lovely assistant! I remember your friend Ana Steele saying she wished she had a twin to help her out and I totally agree, it would be perfect, a Loulou clone to do everything that’s boring!

Are there any major misconceptions about your job or industry?
Well it’s not quite as glamorous as it sounds. When I say I have a lingerie business I think most people (especially guys) think I’m laying around bathing in silk all day haha!

What is the best thing that’s happened to you as a consequence of the work you do?
I don’t think I’ve got to the stage yet where I can say oooh I’m invited to all these amazing events/parties etc. (Anyone want my address?!) For me the continuous best thing is getting messages from people about my designs and work, when someone emails me to ask advice or say they loved their item when it arrived. Getting good feedback from people and magazines that I admire makes me so excited. I’m being featured in the fashion supplement of the December issue of VOGUE which is so ‘wow’ that I EEK every time I think of it because I never imagined that VOGUE would be contacting moi!

What motivates you to keep doing what you’re doing?
I usually work best if I have something to look forward to, so often making fun evening plans makes me determined to work more in the day. Quick deadlines usually help me too, a bit of pressure occasionally! and then of course my ideas! If I have things in my head that I want to create then I’m always happy to keep going, and also having dreams of success makes me want to work harder to achieve those goals. Sometimes I sit and stress out about not having enough money etc. but I also know that I won’t ever quit until I feel like I’ve put everything into what I love doing and right now I feel like I’m very much at the start.

Do you think you’ll continue doing this for the rest of your life?
Yes and no. I believe that everything that happens in my life is always synchronised with what happens before. If I look at the steps that have brought me here then I have no doubt things will continue and take me to different work areas too. I think I will be in this industry hopefully for a long time, but I’m also not going to put away my future dreams to be a zookeeper either ;)

What are your next big steps?
Right now my main focus is completing my Winter collection and getting it into my shop and then spreading the word to everyone. I am also hoping to redesign my website. I also am really keen to move to NYC but right now I’m not in the place to be able to pick up and move the whole business so it’s something that I keep in mind as a big in the near future dream and so I’m making small steps to make that possible!

Who do you look up to within your industry & why?
In the fashion world I really love Betsey Johnson, it’s easy to see why of course, but I love that she always sticks with creating what she loves and you can see it’s very much an extension of her personality rather than being built to please other people or the industry and I love that you can rent out her home in Mexico. She’s a great example of a success who has taken what she is good at and spread it.

Mainly though the people I look up to are people I know who are making steps to fulfil their goals and ideas and working so hard to get there. Whenever I feel a bit bummed out I usually look to my best friends work and websites and see what they are up to which makes me suddenly inspired again. I feel so lucky to be around such amazing talents and also to be in London where everyone is just having a go at creating something.

BONUS!
Design a magnificent outfit with Polyvore using one of Loulou’s bows & you can win it — & a pair of knickers to match!

You have one week to style something fabulous! Comment below with a link to your creation, & the winner will be announced next Monday, the 27th of October 2008!

You can find all her items here — enjoy & go nuts!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: how to, inspiration, i want to be, life
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How To Beat Writer's Block

[ 14 October 2008, 17:12 ]

The most common piece of advice for anyone suffering writer’s block is “just write”. Of course, this is an excellent suggestion, because what you need is to get your flair back. So “just write” is all very well & good, but sometimes we need more prompting, more pushing, something bolder. How can you “just write” when you feel bored, frustrated & uninspired? Here are my suggestions for getting the better of the thing all writers dread.

Listen to yourself
Yes, this is the first thing. Listen to what your brain & body are telling you! Maybe getting writer’s block is your body’s way of saying, “Hey, chill out!”. Maybe you just want a break, & cutting off the creative flow is the only way your body knows how to get that message to you. If that’s the case, then for god’s sake, be good to yourself! Stop drumming your pencil against the table, get up out of your chair, & do something else. Force yourself to relax & do something entirely unrelated. Watch a cheesy movie, make yourself an enormous feast, go to the gym or visit a friend.

Downtime is really important for everyone, but especially for creative people. If you don’t take a break, you’ll get really burned-out & find it even harder to recover! Don’t do that to yourself, it’s an ugly thing! Go & get a massage, dance around your living room, or just take a really good nap. Allow your brain time off. Okay, good.

Go for a walk
But what if you’re not really at the point of no return, & just feeling stuck? One of my immediate instincts in that situation is to leave my house. To me, it often feels like cabin fever is one of the major culprits — so I go somewhere else. Walking around the city, people-watching & window-shopping with good music in my ear is often all I need to clear my head & get back on form. I find that I’m much more inspired by an urban atmosphere than anything else, but you might get similar results from walking in the woods, along the beach or just up & down your driveway.

If just going for a walk seems a bit aimless to you, make it into a game. How many pink shoes will you see? How many David Hasselhoff lookalikes? Look at the outfits of oncoming pedestrians & think about what it is that makes their outfit work. Or just pay attention to the moment, the people around you, the slope of the sidewalk, your breath.

Write in another format
What do you normally write? Short stories? Articles? Advertising jingles? Raps? Forget about all that. Do something else. You just need to get back into your flow, & sometimes the best way to do that is to do something completely different. Write a haiku or a limerick. If you’re a journalist, write character sketches. If you’re a novelist, try writing a fabulous classified ad. Just do whatever you can to break yourself out of that loop you’re in.

Pick a strange subject to write about
It doesn’t have to be something you know a lot about — in fact, it can be helpful if it’s a topic about which you’re mostly in the dark. Just use your imagination! Write about taxidermy, the best ways to seduce a married man, hats in the 1920s, someone called Esmeralda who sleeps on an oriental rug & collects books on medical abnormalities. Whatever you like. The only rules are that you challenge yourself & you pick a subject that is fun to you.

Write from someone else’s perspective
You can still use your own voice, though you don’t have to. But switch up your viewpoint. If you’re a guy, write as a woman. Write as someone who has different views on politics or religion as you. Scribble down a few words as if you were your best friend, or Karl Lagerfeld, or Kathleen Hanna. Don’t judge what you’re putting down on paper, just allow it to come out. Let the character develop & evolve before you. See what happens.

Write as if you’re in your favourite city
If you don’t have a favourite city, invent one, or pick one at random! Read up on it briefly on Wikipedia, then start describing it. How do the streets smell? What do the people look like? How does it sound? Is it warm or cold? If you were walking down the road, what would you be eating? Where would you be going? Remember that you don’t have to be realistic — you could be walking down the street eating an ice-cream the size of your head while wearing a hat made from bear-skin, a pair of moonboots & holding the hand of your shiny robot boyfriend!

Use something else to write with
If you always write on your computer, grab a pen or pencil. Try using a typewriter, a paintbrush, a crayon, tomato sauce. The whole idea is to break you out of your funk & start having fun, so if you want to put a whiteboard pen between your teeth & write on the window, you definitely should.

Write a letter
Writing into the emptiness can feel a little weird sometimes, so try addressing it to someone. You could write about what you’ve been doing, apologise for something or make it up entirely. Pretend to be a 70 year old woman who sleds across the Antarctic every year, & write an account of your most recent adventures to your nervous daughter who lives in Australia. Alternatively, don’t even start off “Dear ____” — just have a person in mind as you’re writing.

Call someone & explain your writer’s block to them in extravagant, painful detail
Just what it says. Go nuts on it. If you can’t find anyone who wants to listen — which could happen, because who really wants to listen to that? — leave yourself a rabid voicemail. Play it back to yourself & laugh, breathe, remember that if writer’s block is your biggest problem right now, you’re doing okay.

Document the moment by taking photos of yourself as a tortured-looking artiste
Oh come on — you might as well have fun with it. Rim your eyes in black, muss up your hair, pout & set the auto-timer. Add an unlit cigarette & beret to the scene to up the über-pretentious ante!

Throw a tantrum
Scream. Writhe. Wriggle violently. Thrash around. Bite things. Stub your toe by accident. Really bring yourself into the present moment by being completely ridiculous. Then stand up, brush yourself off, & scribble an ode to writer’s block.

Put on bold streaks of warpaint & shock the locals
Go on… Live a little.

Fill your brain with inspiration
Do something that sparks you creatively. Watch a horror movie, do ballet, go & rummage in an antique store, whatever. Obviously, this will be different for everyone, but I often find that buying a huge stack of glossy, foreign fashion magazines works wonders for me. I lug them home, sit on my couch cross-legged, & start flicking through. Pretty quickly, usually, mostly just looking at the pictures. Then (& I know some people can’t stomach this idea) I bend the spine & tear out the pages which speak to me. If you want to put them all up somewhere, grab a piece of string, tie either end to your wall, & peg up the pictures you like the most. It’s the world’s cheapest (& fastest) way of displaying images, & I love the way it looks. Totally unfussy, easy to change & insanely inexpensive.

Listen to your favourite lyrics or read a passage from your favourite book
If you’re having trouble inspiring yourself, go back to the things that you know work for you. Put on a piece of your favourite music or read a couple of pages from one of your favourite books. Don’t feel the need to then jump up & spring into action, just appreciate it & let it soak into your skin. Think about it, analyse it, digest & enjoy it. Then do whatever you feel like.

Change your environment
Sometimes it helps just to try writing in another place. You might want to shift to another couch or chair, try lying on your bed, or stand up at the kitchen bench with a pen in hand. If that doesn’t work, take it a step further & leave the house. Go & write in a park, a pizza shop, standing up in the produce section of your supermarket or on the steps of a church. If the weather is awful but you still feel like have cabin fever, clean up your immediate area. I know I always write much better when I’m not being stared in the face by a pile of junk! Of course, cleaning can easily turn into a procrastinatory exercise, but if you keep yourself on track, & clean with the intention of good writing, I’m sure you’ll be just fine!

Reflexology
If none of the above methods work, reflexology is my fail-safe last-ditch option — usually because the other tactics are much more simple & don’t cost any money! But when your head is really dusty & dry, when your uninspired frustration reaches critical levels, reflexology is It. It has never failed me.

When I lived in Melbourne & felt burned out or unable to write, I would go to this massage shop, lie down, & let a small Chinese man perform weird tricks on my feet. (Sometimes he sang to me at the same time.) It was often quite painful, but always worked miracles. I would feel all my crazy head fog dissipate, & I would pretty much float back up to my apartment, where all of a sudden… I could write! I could whip up fabulous articles! My lust for life came back & I felt like me again.

Reflexology is completely genius. You should try it.

What are your best tips for beating writer’s block to a bloody pulp? How do you manage to triumph over the page? Let us know!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Want To Be... A Poet!

[ 29 September 2008, 09:12 ]

Is it really possible to eke out a living in the literary world? As a poet, no less?! Just ask Claire! The fabulous redheaded Claire Askew is a working poet, arts editor & part-time tutor living in Edinburgh, Scotland. She’s a very busy & ambitious girl, with lots of good advice as to how to make it as a writer!

Tell us about what you do.
First and foremost, I see myself as a writer, specifically a poet; but I juggle a variety of jobs and projects which also help keep me financially afloat. When I’m not writing, editing and redrafting poems, I work as a private tutor for kids aged 11 – 18, teaching English and Creative Writing. About a year ago I set up my own literary magazine, Read This, and I now also have a blog called One Night Stanzas which is designed to involve and encourage young writers. I’m currently working on my first collection, and I’m also about to embark on a postgraduate MSc in creative writing at the University of Edinburgh, Scotland.

How long ago did you start on this path?
I’ve been writing since before I can remember – which is a cliché, but I genuinely can’t remember the first time I picked up a pen. I wrote my first poem aged about seven, and won a prize for it at the local fair. I reckon that’s when, subconsciously, I abandoned my childhood ambition to be a farmyard vet, and set out on a more literary path!

How long were you doing it before you made it into your career or primary form of income?
I’ve been treating my writing as more than a hobby for about the past four years, when it began to be accepted by magazines, and I’ve been getting paid work (mostly publication in larger journals and anthologies who can afford to give out fees) for about the last two years. As I say, I’ve been doing it all my life, but I think it was only quite recently that I really sat down and thought “this could be your career. You might not be a millionaire, but you could probably do it.”

Did anything significant happen to get you to that point, or was it a series of small steps?
I was in my third year of University, and I’d joined a writer’s group and started going to workshops and whatnot, and people started to “notice” my work and tell me it was pretty good. Crucially I think, I met the poet Brian McCabe, who really liked my stuff and was (and still is) incredibly encouraging. I realised that I was rapidly coming to the end of my four years in further education, and I really needed to start deciding what I was going to do with my life afterwards. Eventually I got to the point where I thought “why not just do what I love?”. I set up Read This at around the same time, and soon after, I won three quite big poetry prizes. I think that really cemented my decision… it was a good omen.

Do you think official qualifications are important for someone entering your industry?
It’s an interesting question, and the issue of should-you-get-a-creative-writing-qualification is hotly debated. Many writers actually see qualifications as counter-productive: they reckon creative writing courses teach you bad habits, and that they contribute towards poetry’s transformation into an increasingly “academic” artform. Other people reckon you need to be “vetted” by a qualification – that they sort the men from the boys, so to speak. I’ve chosen to do a postgrad qualification mainly out of a need to step things up a gear – I want to take my writing to the next level and I hope it will help me to do that. But I don’t think it matters either way whether you’re qualified or not. To be successful in poetry, you just need to be talented, thick-skinned, and willing to work really hard.

What do you think is the best thing about working for yourself?
I can control my time, and my environment, which is important. I’m one of those people who can’t just write anywhere. If you work in an office and you get halfway through the day and feel trapped and burned out, you can’t just grab your laptop and go to the park. You can’t take a break for an hour and read a book or sleep or whatever. The best thing about being in control of my own time is being able to decide what I do with it, on the spur of the moment if need be. Right now I’m very lucky – many writers have to juggle other jobs and outside commitments, and it can really dry up your creativity. But I think the best thing about doing what I do is using my experience to help brand new young writers to get a foothold in the poetry industry – that’s what Read This does, and although One Night Stanzas is still very new, I’m hoping that eventually it will also be able to help people in the same way. It’s great when people email you and say “thanks for your advice, I just got published for the first time!”

What’s the worst thing?
Distractions. I live with my boyfriend, who’s around from 4pm onwards every afternoon and, as you can imagine, he’s pretty distracting. I’m also a bit of a tidy-freak and so if there’s housework that needs doing, I kind of have to do it before I can sit down and write. And I absolutely love my tutoring job and all the gorgeous young people I teach, but sometimes you get home from four back-to-back ‘Hamlet’ study sessions and feel like you never want to see a word on a page ever again!

Rate how happy you are with what you do out of 100 (100 being the best, 0 being devastatingly awful) on an average day.
About 87. Sometimes higher, sometimes lower, but that’s my happiness average.

Would you call yourself a workaholic, & if so, are you alright with that? Do you think that’s normal for your industry?
I’m not necessarily a workaholic – I can spend four hours reading books and not feel bad about it – but I like to have heaps of things on the go, and I’m very driven. I love getting Read This off the press “on schedule” every month, and I make myself write at least one post to my blog per day – usually two. I write for anything from 8 to 15 hours per week, and I’m happy if I’ve written four poems by the weekend (but happier if I’ve written seven). I’m also keen to get involved with any poetic activities that other people are organising – last week I spent an afternoon being “a poetry terrorist” in a local park (running up to people with print-outs of famous poems and, in most cases, getting them to read them). I think if you want to be a poet, you don’t need to be a workaholic as such, but you do need to be willing to work.

What would your number one suggestion be for someone who wants to do what you do?
Read. Read, read, read, read and then read some more. Reading other people’s poetry is the only way to make your own poetry better, and that’s something you should always be trying to do. Read the magazines and journals you want to send your writing to. The more poetry you read, the better you’ll know the industry, and the better equipped you’ll be to succeed. Kenneth Patchen once said, “people who say they love poetry but don’t buy any are cheap sons-of-bitches,” and I’d add to that: “people who say they write poetry but don’t read any are deluded sons-of-bitches.” You have to read widely to write well. You have to read to succeed!

...How about number two?
There are million pieces of advice I want to dole out… just look at my blog! But the second most important thing is: persevere. You might never make any money out of poetry, you friends and family might never understand why you do it, and there will be times when you’ll get rejected and think “am I actually just rubbish?” You have to be prepared for that, and you have to keep on going; keep writing and submitting and publishing even through the knock-backs. No matter what anyone says to you, if you love doing it, keep doing it.

What do you wish you had known when you first started out?
There are a whole lot of people who move in literary circles – and particularly poetic ones – who want to see you fail. Don’t ask me why, but there’s a massive amount of negativity around when it comes to poetry, and particularly when it comes to young writers. Just look at some poetry blogs – everyone has a view, and often its not a nice one. You get pessimists telling you poetry is dead and writing is pointless. You get countless people who’ll tell you that “your style” of poetry is rubbish, or that you’ll never succeed because you’re too young. You’ll get people attacking you in online forums and ripping your work to bits and sending you poisonous emails, even if you think you’ve done nothing to provoke them. Perhaps worst of all, you get a lot of websites that are set up to suck inexperienced writers into money-making scams: beware of anyone who says they can publish your work for a ‘reading fee’! I don’t want to freak people out, but I never knew about this stuff, so it really shocked me. It still shocks me. It’s the main reason I started One Night Stanzas – I wanted to provide a safe place for writers to get advice and feedback on their work. And just to prove my point, the blog is only about two weeks old and already some snide comments have appeared… so be prepared!

Are there any major misconceptions about your job or industry?
The whole ‘poetry is a dead artform’ thing. I disagree! Poetry is on the downlow right now because there isn’t enough young blood around to stir things up, but I don’t think it will ever die. It might be on a dialysis machine at the moment, but I’m convinced that’s only a passing thing. So, young ‘uns, get writing and get out there and revive your artform!

What motivates you to keep doing what you’re doing?
I’m motivated to keep writing by the random emails I get from people I’ve never even heard of, saying things like “your poem touched me.” One girl a while back wrote her English Literature term essay on my poetry, and another wrote one of my poems out in gorgeous calligraphy and put it on public display. I love reading my work at events, too, because I get some lovely responses from total strangers. I’m also encouraged by all the young people whose names I see in publications here and there, and I think “I gave that person some advice once”, or “Read This was their first publishing gig.” I like the idea that there is a creative community out there, and I’m part of it, and – even with the aforementioned negativity floating around – that’s a great feeling. And I think I’ll always write, whether I continue to be successful or not. I’m one of those people who does it because they’d go mad if they didn’t, basically!

Who do you look up to within your industry & why?
He’s dead now, but I still love Allen Ginsberg to bits. He did something new and radical with poetry, and flew in the face of all the people who said he couldn’t succeed because he was gay, because he was Jewish, because he was unapologetically political, because he was a college dropout, because he wasn’t a conventional writer, etc. He’s a household name in spite of it all and his poems are funny and shocking and gorgeous. I’m also a big fan of Edwin Morgan, and I’d love to meet him – he seems like such a kind soul, a very genuine man. Roddy Lumsden is a great, plain-speaking poet and he does a lot of teaching and working with younger writers. He also came to my rescue once when my poetry was under attack on a very poisonous forum-thread, even though he didn’t know me at all, and I love him for it to this day. And I’ve met so many wonderful, hard-working editors who rarely get any credit for what they do – so appreciate your editors, people! They’re the people who keep the poetry industry ticking over!

Extra For Experts:
Claire also wrote this excellent piece, Writing In The Face Of Adversity, which is worth reading!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

Comment [26]
Tags: how to, inspiration, i want to be, life
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Letting Go Of The Past & Getting Back Together

[ 24 September 2008, 16:02 ]

“I’m the the middle of a complicated, possibly-getting-back-with-my-ex situation. One of our biggest problems we had in our first relationship was my issue with not being able to let go of the past, and live in the now. I’m always wondering about my other ex’s, and other ways my life could have turned out. I can’t seem to let go of people, places or things. I know the only way he and I will be able to be in a healthy relationship again is if I get over all the “what if’s”, any advice?

Also, what is your stand on getting back together with ex’s?”

The most obvious thing to me is that your email is all about repeating patterns. You were with a guy, but while you were with him, you thought about your ex-boyfriends. Now that he is part of the ex-boyfriends club, you’re thinking about him! Clearly this constant looking back you do has permeated your life in a fairly significant way.

Obsessing over the past has a lot to do with a fear of what the future might hold, & a fear of change. Moving forward can be scary, after all, because you never know what might happen. Unfortunately though, it doesn’t matter how afraid you are — time keeps slipping by, nudging us further & further into the future, whether we like it or not.

There could be any number of reasons why you keep looking back. Maybe you’re afraid of committing to someone or of being hurt, perhaps you feel like you’re not a complete person without having someone by your side, maybe you don’t want to be alone, or perhaps it’s convenient for you to reshape your past history (a story about the past is never completely objective — it can be easy for you to contort it into a situation where you are the victim or not at fault). Only you will really know the reasons why you do it, though it might take some time for you to work it out. The good news is that once you know, it will be like a big shiny key that you can use to undo the habit.

Don’t make it easy for you to slip back into your memories. This means put away (or get rid of) all old photos, love letters & mementos. It also means stop stalking their blog as well as their Myspace, Facebook, Twitter & Flickr accounts! Archive their emails & delete their number from your phone. This can be hard to do, because you feel like you’re severing a connection that might otherwise be fruitful or a source of happiness, but honestly, as long as all those strings & wires remain, you are only hurting yourself, & preventing yourself from moving on with your life.

Some people find it easier to break habits or patterns if they use a kind of ritual. One thing that can be effective is journalling or writing down your thoughts & feelings about your past love life, & then either burning or burying the piece of paper, & making a conscious decision as you do so to let all of that stuff go. Similarly, some people will jot down notes about the things they have difficulty letting go of, then put them in an empty container & bury it somewhere. Though it seems simple, the symbolism behind the act is what makes it so powerful.

You may discover that you have to be hyper vigilant to stop yourself from retreating into your memories. This could mean that whenever you find yourself reminiscing, you practise falling still or use EFT to change your thought patterns. Regardless of the method, you’re going to need to behave proactively — in other words, you’re going to need to want to change it.

As for getting back together with ex-lovers, there is no one blanket solution that works for everyone, but couples tend to break up for a reason — a reason that was significant enough that the relationship didn’t seem worth persevering with. It can be really easy to feel tempted to go back to someone else, especially if you’re feeling lonely or a bit lost in general, but it’s important to maintain perspective & not idealise the relationship you had. Obviously you (or they) left for a reason, so keep that in mind. Write yourself a list of all their terrible qualities & put it in a prominent place if it will help you quash the urge to call them!

If it’s been a really long time & you’re still thinking about them & wanting to get back together with them, consider the circumstances of the break-up & then devote serious time to thinking about how you could both remedy whatever went wrong. If you get back together without doing this, odds are extremely good that the relationship will dissolve soon after due to the problems you had the first time around. This is otherwise known as a huge waste of time & the build-up to a big “duh!” moment! Someone who didn’t communicate isn’t going to suddenly start unless something significant changes, mismatched libidos are pretty much always going to be a problem, & if your ex didn’t respect you before, why would he start now?

You can certainly make enormous strides with couples counselling, EFT or any number of other solutions, but obviously, both people need to be seriously invested in working together to make change, & it can take time, so you need to be sure.

Having said all this, it’s pretty standard to have an ex (or a past relationship) which you use as a yardstick in future relationships. Some people make a major impact on you which never really leaves you. So that’s normal — but not necessarily the sort of thing you should tell your future lovers about!

The main thing to remember is that you should do what genuinely makes you happy. Don’t just react to your life’s circumstances, actually go out there & actively seek out things which really work for you. If you suspect — even a little bit! — that you want to get back together with an ex just because you’re lonely or crave familiarity, do yourself a favour & remove yourself from the situation! That’s not fair on them & hardly a recipe for your own happiness.

Being single might be the absolute best thing for you right now. If the idea of that frightens you, that’s even more reason to embrace it with gusto. Fingers crossed that it gives you the strength & desire to move forward & be excited about your future!

Extra For Experts:
Exercises for letting go of the past. “I do not trust life to lead me, and so I order my life based on my own perspectives of what the past was, and what the future should be.” Awesome.
Letting Go Of Your Past: How To Deal With Your Mistakes & Move On from suite101.com.
The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle — otherwise known as the ultimate book about being in the present.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Want To Be... A Graphic Designer!

[ 22 September 2008, 08:46 ]

Who is Nubby Twiglet? ...What, are you kidding?! Have you been hiding under a rock for the last 2 years? GEEZ!

As well as being a fabulous Virgo, Nubby has one of the strongest senses of personal style of anyone I know. She works full-time as an artist & graphic designer, & also runs a super-popular blog. Her work ethic is incredible & her dedication to what she does is nothing short of inspiring. I think she is an absolutely brilliant person, & as I’ve just spent a little over week in her constant company, it seemed like the perfect time to share this interview with you!

Tell us about what you do.
I work full time as a graphic designer and do PR and marketing tasks as well at Nemo Design in Portland, Oregon. Besides that, I do freelance design (mostly logos and branding) and mixed media collage for art shows around the world. Somewhere in between, I run a blog.

How long ago did you start on this path?
When I was in high school, I would dig up old advertising books in the library and cut out images from dusty design annuals, but I didn’t realize that graphic design was a viable profession. Instead, being the good, practical Virgo that I am, I went to school for business first. It was incredibly hard, but it taught me how to market myself and made me more well rounded.

I still knew that art was my true passion, but I wanted to make money doing it so graphic design made sense. I met my boyfriend in 2004 and he’d been a graphic designer for 10 years and told me that if I was really serious about it, I should go to school. I started a two year program in 2006 (and just finished!)

How long were you doing it before you made it into your career or primary form of income?
I landed my first big freelance gig for Virgin Records during my second semester of school. In a matter of weeks, I’d made the equivalent of seven months of working at my retail job! After that, the steady work kept rolling in and I never looked back.

Do you think official qualifications are important for someone entering your industry?
It depends. There are a handful of designers that I know of that are self-taught and do amazing work. On the other hand, school really does put you through the paces and by being pushed to do projects you don’t necessarily like, it prepares you for the real world of clients and deadlines. In the end, it all comes down to how good your portfolio is!

What do you think is the best thing about working for yourself?
Doing freelance design can be hugely rewarding. People choose you because they like your style. You can also decide on the clients that you want to work with and set your own rates!

What’s the worst thing?
It’s easy to lose track of hours and to get caught up in a project. There are no set work hours, no set lunch time or breaks. It’s up to you to say no if you think something isn’t going to work which can be incredibly hard.

Rate how happy you are with what you do out of 100 (100 being the best, 0 being devastatingly awful) on an average day.
I’s say 90. The people I work with at my day job are awesome. I’m the only girl designer on staff and the guys I work with are hilarious. They’re always skateboarding past my desk! The work I do is fun, too. I do a fair amount of logo development and write for the company blogs. It’s a nice mix of design and marketing tasks.

Would you call yourself a workaholic, & if so, are you alright with that? Do you think that’s normal for your industry?
Hell yes! I was raised to work hard and I’m proud of making my own money. There are so many talented designers and if I want to eventually be at their level, I know that it’s going to take years of hard work. It is pretty normal as a designer to be a workaholic because there’s always something new to obsess over and new ideas are always transpiring.

What would your suggestions be for someone who wants to do what you do?
Don’t worry about trying to get into the fanciest school. Subscribe to tons of design blogs and start an inspiration folder on your computer. Start a collection of well-designed brochures, business cards and magazines that you come across. Find a mentor that can encourage you to keep pushing forward and help you find an internship. Don’t be afraid of starting a blog to publish your work and get feedback. Join online portfolio sites (some of my biggest jobs have been through Flickr) and start networking. Get a membership to AIGA and attend local networking events. Never give up; the more challenging a job is, the more you’ll realize you learned from it when you look back.

What do you wish you had known when you first started out?
That it’s okay to not know everything and it’s also okay to ask questions; most designers are incredibly forgiving and are willing to help you because they were probably in your shoes once.

Are there any major misconceptions about your job or industry?
From the outside, people might expect designers at an ad agency to be really slick and whip a project out really fast. In reality, it can take weeks or months of working with a client to get a job done.

What motivates you to keep doing what you’re doing?
The endless amount knowledge that it’s possible to acquire can be overwhelming but I’m naturally a competitive person and I am always striving to get better at what I do. I was given a huge opportunity; within a week of graduating, I was offered a full-time position at one of the coolest, most progressive companies around and I never want to lose sight of that. The design world can be really intense and there’s always going to be someone that’s better than you. The point is to never give up and to move forward in some way every single day.

Who do you look up to within your industry & why?
I love seeing seeing the work of other girl graphic designers like Antigirl, design that kills, Abby Clawson Low and Oh Joy! Studio. I also like the styles of NEUARMY and Scott Hansen and too many more people to list. People with strong aesthetics win me over every time!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Cope With A Quarter-Life Crisis (Part Two)

[ 20 September 2008, 11:36 ]

The other day I started talking about the quarter-life crisis phenomenon, & how I believed it could be boiled down to two essential elements. To me, it’s quite clear that there are major differences between the people who experience quarter- or mid-life crises & those who don’t.

Believe me, I did my research! For the last couple of weeks I have been asking my friends whether they’d ever had a mid- or quarter-life crisis, or if anyone they knew had. I also asked them where they thought the root of the crisis came from. Their answers were very illuminating, & really helped me put this article together.

The group of people who seem to go through life without suffering the crushing blow of a quarter- or mid-life crisis seem to have two things going for them. The first thing is meaningful work. They’re in a career where they feel fulfilled creatively, they’re happy with their contribution & they are adequately challenged (or can challenge themselves more whenever they want to).

The second thing they seem to have sorted out are satisfying relationships.

Now, before you start freaking out because you’ve never managed to commit to a lover for more than 2 weeks at a time, let me tell you that I’m not really talking about intimate sexual relationships. Those come & go, & while they can be delightful & a lot of fun, being in a long-term stable monogamous relationship is not compulsory to have a happy life. What I’m really referring to, when I talk about satisfying relationships, are the relationships you have with the people around you, but it also covers the kinds of people you attract into your life, & how they impact & affect you.

Like it or not, everyone that we are involved with — from your manager to your girlfriend to your best friend — influences & affects you in some way. Even if you think you are a one-man island, completely impervious to the whims of anyone else, you are mistaken! We are all impacted upon by the people around us. For example, have you ever worn a certain pair of shoes because a guy you like told you they looked good on you? Or avoided talking about politics because you disagree with the person next to you & you don’t want to make a scene? Or you spent way more than you could afford at a bar because you wanted to be able to “keep up” with the people you were with? Yeah, I thought so! You’re no island!

It’s okay, though. That makes you human — bonus! — & normal. This is nothing ground-breaking, of course, but being aware of this fact can help bring your attention to the sort of people you surround yourself with, & the ways that you alter yourself around them.

Interpersonal relationships can be a lot more complicated than finding meaningful work, though, because it’s not just about you, it’s about the people around you. This means we’re not always in complete control, because for everything we do, the way that someone else responds is entirely up to them.

If you have a fantastic career but your lover or friends or family don’t support it or encourage you, that can put you in a very difficult position. It’s almost impossible to advance yourself or your work if someone who is important to you is jealous, feels left out, doesn’t understand or is otherwise conflicted about who you are & what you do.

Another one of the reasons why having strong personal relationships can help you avoid a quarter-life crisis is because it’s important to feel like we have people who can support us regardless of what we’re going through. Even if our friends haven’t necessarily experienced the things we have, they still have insights & opinions which are valuable & useful. As great as it is to be self-sufficient, having someone else to bounce ideas off is immensely useful, especially when you’re not totally sure what to do in a given situation.

Of course, if you can’t make friends or your friendships are difficult at best, you might find that the people you’ve chosen to involve in your life aren’t always around when you need them. Or they’re around, but not interested in helping you. Or you realise that you don’t feel any better after you’ve spoken to them.

So, how can you make your interpersonal relationships more satisfying?

(A lot of these tips could just be filed under “How To Be A People Person”, but really this is about how to strengthen & maintain your relationships.)

Assess your friends
A lot of us have certain friends because they are convenient or it’s just such an old friendship that we don’t really think about it much. Sometimes it is worth considering whether being friends with this or that person is in your best interests. What about the old school friend who, despite best intentions, is kind of depressing to be around? Or that relative of yours who always pinches your sides & tells you to join them for a run in the morning?

The basis of a friendship shouldn’t be as simple as just not-wanting-to-kill-one-another — it should be mutually beneficial & fun. My usual barometer is to ask myself whether I feel good or bad after I’ve seen someone. If I feel kind of sad or stressed or anything else negative, I ask myself whether that’s how I usually feel after I’ve seen them, or if it was a one-off kind of occasion. I usually move away from friendships with people who continually make me feel exhausted or unhappy or something similar. If, on the other hand, seeing my friends makes me feel happy & elated & excited, I know I’m onto a good thing which is worth continuing with.

Honestly, life is too short to spend time with people who don’t really push your buttons. If you don’t really like your friends that much, why waste all that energy on people who aren’t worth it? You might as well spend your time alone — at least you’ll learn to get comfortable with your own company!

Avoid drama
Oh yes, drama. Drama, gossip & turmoil — the opiate of the oppressed (thanks, Erica). It’s what you get hooked on when there’s nothing real going on in your life. (Don’t sweat it, ‘cause we’ve all been there, & I don’t think anyone is entirely immune — but there is a better way to live, I promise.)

So, have you ever noticed that some people just attract drama? They suck it in, it’s drawn to them, it sticks to them like eyelash glue & follows them around like a guy in a bar with a popped collar. They have one problem after another. There is always some Major Agonising Situation which requires some kind of enormous emotional investment. These people can be interesting at first, but soon the whole thing becomes tired & frustrating, aggravating & irritating. Sometimes they squeal things like, “Why does this always happen to me?!”, but behind the scenes they’re delighting in the attention & adrenaline. Believe me when I say that their drama magnetism is not a coincidence. It just isn’t. They have it because they want it, whether they realise it consciously or not.

I used to work with a girl who lurched from one crisis to another. She could never pay her rent, she had problems with her boyfriend, she was arguing with her mother, she slept with some guy who sent her abusive text messages, she was in some kind of conflict with her best friend, & the list went on. I mean, it was constant. She loved it, because it gave her something to talk about, but she was one of the world’s least pleasant people to be around, even though her personality was mostly pretty cool.

A lot of people get confused & think that in order for their life — or for them — to be interesting, they have to be surrounded by conflict & drama. Not true! Drama isn’t interesting, it’s tiresome & old. Isn’t it better to have a life that invigorates & excites you & is drama-free? Yes, of course!

If you have a pattern of attracting dramatic people, think about that & figure out where it comes from. I can’t tell you the exact reason for that, because it’s different for everyone, but it might be that you like to live vicariously through them. If so, resolve to make your own life more interesting. You don’t need to be a spectator to someone else’s life.

My advice if you have dramatic friends? Just don’t go there. You are worth so much more than that. The energy you’re using up thinking about their problems & their crap is energy you could otherwise devote to yourself, & to making yourself happy. Don’t dignify their behaviour with any kind of response, because it just gives them more fuel (& drama to add to the pot!). Don’t get tangled up in their stuff — just dust yourself off & continue on your own journey.

This is easier said than done, because sometimes extracting yourself from a relationship with a drama magnet can be somewhat akin to getting out of an abusive relationship. It can be really difficult, especially if you still care about the person & feel like you should be around to help them get out of whatever new mess they’re in. But you know what? Their stuff is their stuff, & not your problem. You’re not the white knight, & behaving like one doesn’t help them — in fact, it makes them worse. Regardless, sometimes, making positive change is hard. Sometimes, it is difficult & tricky to improve your own situation. But it is always, always worth it. Stop selling yourself short, & make it happen.

Make the effort
Of course, the crucial thing to keep in mind when you make a great friend is that you have to make an effort to keep the friendship going! This can be tricky, especially with the world being the small place it is today. Many of my closest friends live far away from me, & I might not see them before a year is up. But at the same time, making an effort doesn’t have to be an ordeal. Even keeping in touch on Facebook or via cute short emails is better than nothing. It lets the other person know you’re alive & thinking of them, which is so valuable.

Now, you may note that the heading says “make the effort”, not “make the effort when you have nothing better to do”. This includes when you are head-over-heels in love with someone new & your friends slide into lower priority! Oh, I see you blushing in the back! You can’t escape my wily gaze!

I mean, hey, it happens. If your friends are good people, they’ll understand & either bug you to hang out or just wait for you to come back to your senses! But remember them! They will probably still be around when John (or Jane) Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt gets on his (or her) horse & rides off into the sunset… !

Be assertive
I’ve written fairly extensively about How To Be Assertive before, so I won’t rehash what I’ve already said, but being assertive is really important.

What does it mean to be assertive? Here’s a quick summary. It means telling people what you want & what you need. It’s about being strong enough that people won’t take advantage of you or manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do. It means communicating clearly & honestly, not playing games & not bottling everything up until the point where you explode.

Acting assertively can seem counter-intuitive or uncomfortable at first, especially to people who have been taught to always consider everyone else before themselves, but altering your behaviour in this way will be of major benefit to you.

People who don’t behave assertively — that is to say that they behave in an aggressive, passive or passive-aggressive manner — send out confusing signals to the people around them, which can make maintaining relationships difficult. Passive people feel like they’re constantly being taken advantage of, aggressive people wonder why no one wants to get close, & passive-aggressive people are unpredictable & kind of scary! If the same things keep happening to you over & over, it’s time to change your behaviour. Stop acting like a bozo, & take control of your life & your emotions!

Treat people with respect
Okay, so if you’re not associating with people who like to stir up chaos everywhere they go, your friends are probably pretty cool. Well done you! If you have friends who are good to you & fun to be around, be sure to treat them well!

This means return their phonecalls, treat them to dinner once in a while, don’t constantly bail on seeing them & let them know that you appreciate them! Don’t just show up at their house unannounced, be sure to share good times (as opposed to just calling when you have some kind of problem), look after their belongings & don’t tell them their dress looks good on them if it doesn’t! Be good, be genuine, be a friend worth having, & you’ll be respected in return.

“Love one another & you will be happy. It’s as simple & as difficult as that.” — Michael Leunig

As for me, I think I had my quarter-life crisis — or at least some general kind of existential crisis — from about age 19 to 22 or 23. It lasted for quite a long time, & I was really miserable. I also thought I was the only person who had ever gone through something like it, which made me feel even worse. I was constantly switching jobs, trying to find something I liked — though of course, because I kept doing the same thing (jumping between very similar roles), it never made me any happier. The unhappiness just moved location. I loathed working in offices, & it seemed like I was the only person who had trouble with it. I constantly wondered, ‘What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just do this & get over it & enjoy myself?’ So my lack of meaningful work was a major factor — it really messed me up, because I felt like I was a creative person squandering my life, but didn’t know what I could possibly do to remove myself from the situation. I was convinced that no one ever made any money as a writer, so I should just forget about it.

I didn’t really have any strong friendships at the time, either. I had friends, sure, but our interactions were mostly limited to seeing one another when we were drinking on the weekend. “Real” conversations were hard to come by. They were also in similar situations to me — aka disliking their jobs — but instead of battling it like I was, they seemed resigned to their fate. This made me feel even more lost & adrift. Thankfully, at some point I learned about EFT & started using it regularly. That was what really turned my life around, & I credit it with pretty much everything I’ve achieved up to this point.

Like Annie Spandex said in the comments on the first part of this article, an existential crisis can happen at any time, & is quite normal. We all have moments of panic about who we are, where we’re going & what we’re doing. The reason why quarter- & mid-life crises exist is because these are commonly the times where we are under the most stress (quarter) or doing the most self-evaluation (mid). When you’ve just come out of school & are entering the workforce for the first time, it’s incredibly easy to be over- or even underwhelmed by “real life”! Especially when you’re still working out who you are & what you want to do with yourself. The mid-life crisis seems to be mostly brought on by looking at your life & what you’ve achieved so far, & feeling like you’ve come up short.

One of the best ways to avoid feeling like this in the first place is to live consciously. That means don’t just coast along, going about your day-to-day with little thought as to how happy you are. Question your routine. Think about your patterns, & decide to alter them if you realise they’re not working. Try new things. Learn to enjoy every moment. Don’t just get complacent & fall into a routine which doesn’t serve you, because that’s a sure route to sadness/misery/a crisis of some kind!

It’s also important to avoid comparing yourself to other people. I know that it’s a lot easier to say that than do it, but really, no good will ever come from trying to measure yourself against your friends, idols or competition. There are always going to be areas where you are better than them (of course, because you’re fabulous!), but there will also be things they are better at than you. That’s just how life is. Life isn’t a competition, even though society would like to have us think it is. (It helps them sell us stuff we don’t need, among other things.) Just be yourself. Enjoy your time on the planet. Do what pleases you. Boiled down to its most basic elements, the whole thing seems juvenile in its simplicity.

This is not to say that if you avoid an existential crisis your life will be perfect. No one’s really is, we all have our own unique challenges. But just be good to yourself. Find something you love & devote yourself to it. Make some friends who make you smile & inspire you to be a better person, & avoid those who stress you out. Don’t work yourself so hard you get an ulcer — even if you love what you do — because your well-being is more important than that. Love lots of people. Take time off, lie down & do nothing at all. Be generous & free with compliments. Feed your spirit with beautiful things. Love yourself.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Cope With A Quarter-Life Crisis

[ 17 September 2008, 11:35 ]

A girl I know posted this on her journal recently.

“I believe I am entering phase five of my quarter life crisis. It’s a bit like how grief has stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance.

Anyway quarter life crisis, phase 1: Denial. Party harder than before, delete your birth year from your Facebook profile.
Phase 2: Anger. MY LIFE IS SO SO BAD ARGHNNGGGMMPPFFF.
Phase 3: Bargaining. Give up smoking for a week and buy some expensive face wash.
Phase 4: Shame and regret.
Phase 5: Fear of your imminent death.
Phase 6: Acceptance that since you’re not ever going to do all the things you want to do or know all the things you want to know you may as well sit around smoking weed all day if you feel like it as anxiety only hastens your IMMINENT DEATH.
Phase 7: Death.”

It seems like at the moment a lot of people I know are going through their quarter-life crisis. A friend of mine from school turned 25 last week — three days before me — & when I was in Wellington, I was the recipient of a flurry of panicked emails. To put it plainly, she is freaking out. She thinks she is getting old. She has started lying to people about her age (23 seems to be the magic number). & she is convinced that she is going to have a stroke which will leave half her face paralysed.

She told me that recently an old woman who used a walking stick came into the shop where she was working. My friend said hello, & asked if she could help her, because the old woman had trouble moving around. The old woman stopped where she was, turned around & stared at my friend. “Promise me something,” she said, in a low, foreboding voice. “Don’t ever get old!”

This was the final straw.

Honestly, anyone who thinks the quarter-life crisis is a bogus phenomenon needs to meet my friends!

Most people who are going through this ugly process are aware that there is something wrong, but are you just feeling generally miserable or is it a quarter-life crisis? What are the signs or symptoms? Commonly, they are…

Feeling like you’re not doing well enough
Frustration & disillusionment with the working world
Feeling insecure about what you’re doing, where you’re going & what your plans are
Anxiety over close relationships
Feeling extremely bored with your social life (otherwise known as, “Oh my god, I will throw myself out the window if I have to go to another party at her house”)
Nostalgia for teenage years, high school or university (this often manifests itself as an obsession with looking at old photographs or reading journals & reminiscing)
Feeling a desperate need to “settle down” — like buy a house, get married or have a baby
...Or conversely, wanting to “escape” the real world — like backpacking around the world or finding a nice cave to live in
Financial stress or confusion
Intense loneliness
Feeling that everyone is doing better than you
Terror at the concept of getting “old”
Wondering “Is that all there is?”
A vague feeling of apathy, mixed with horror, panic & depression

Of course, feeling some of these things occasionally is pretty much par for the course, & not necessarily indicative that you’re going through a quarter-life crisis! However, if all these things (or the majority of them) seem to have hit you at once, this can be quite terrifying — especially if it happens to coincide with your birthday or other milestone.

So, I’ve given this quite a lot of thought over the past week or so. Why is it that some of my friends are in this terrifying choke hold, & some aren’t? I have plenty of friends who have never felt like they were going through a quarter- (or even mid-!) life crisis. Why is that?

Well, I think I know the answer. There are two deciding factors which separate the two groups. Since they both deserve a lot of attention, I’ve split this article into two parts — the second of which is coming tomorrow.

The first catalyst for a quarter-life crisis is a lack of meaningful work.

So, the idea that your work or career (or lack of one) could be contributing to your feelings of anxiety is probably a bit of a drag to some of you — especially those of you who are in denial about how happy your work makes you. By now, we all know (I’m sure) that working just to eke out a living is not the path to eternal bliss. The people who seem happiest & most fulfilled are always those who do something that turns their crank. I know that sounds like a bit of a heavy trip, especially if you don’t feel like you’re part of that camp. Believe me, I’ve been there, & I know from personal experience that there is nothing worse than working in a job you dislike. I think the place where a lot of us stumble is that we think the work we do — or the career we enter — has to be life-changing, ground-shaking, life-shattering. It doesn’t. It doesn’t at all.

When I say “meaningful work”, my definition is that it has to be meaningful to you — & only you. As much as we would all like to change the planet, that isn’t necessary to feel good or fulfilled. My idea of something “meaningful” is pretty simple: do something that has value to you.

I used to sell advertising for a small newspaper in New Zealand. My job was to sit at a desk, go through the Yellow Pages, & cold-call businesses to try & sell them space in an unsuccessful newspaper. It was awful. It had absolutely no value to me, beyond the fact that it helped me pay my rent. I would not classify this as meaningful work. On the other hand, when I worked at Lush, I loved it! I was surrounded by beautiful products which I believed in, & I got to sell them to people who really loved & appreciated them. It helped clear their skin up, or made them feel luxurious & sexy, so I felt that was a business worth being in. I really enjoyed it, & it made me feel like I was doing something worthwhile — contributing something positive. I would call that meaningful work. Like I said, you don’t have to wash the feet of lepers to do something that makes you feel good.

If the thing that made you happiest was painting watercolours for the elderly, or walking dogs, then that’s great! I’ll say it again for emphasis: you don’t have to cure AIDS, be a recycling avenger or destroy the capitalist agenda to have a life that is full of love & wonder & happiness, or to make a difference to other people’s lives.

The great thing is that just by being who we are, & being happy, we serve as an incredible example to everyone we come into contact with. I am not a saint or a perfect person, but I feel good about what I’m doing with my life. When people ask me what I do for a living, or enquire as to what I’ve been up to recently, most of them are pretty excited to hear my response. Plenty of them give me a crazed look, before the barrage of questions begins. “So, you don’t work for anyone else? & you travel around & write from wherever you like? Huh?!”

I hope that they go home & think about how they could bring a little magic into their own lives, & I know that a lot of them do — just like a lot of you do after you discover iCiNG & start getting into the spirit of it! That’s just it — sometimes things seem impossible until we see someone else do it — & then, we often feel brave enough to give it a try. In fact, this happens all the time: you can see clear examples of this in athletics. No one can run a mile in under x minutes until they see someone else succeed, & then, all of a sudden, athletes spanning the globe can do it. Just like that. It really goes to show that the only things holding us back are our self-imposed limits or our beliefs about our own capabilities.

Having said all this, most people who aren’t doing some kind of work which pushes their buttons are in that situation precisely because they don’t know where to begin. They don’t always know what their interests are, or where their talents lie, & the whole idea is kind of scary. (Having said this, if you know what you should be doing, but are just putting it off — muster up some courage, & begin!) I think a lot of what fuels a quarter-life crisis is this feeling that somehow, everyone but you has a grand plan for their life, & they are Getting Things Done & Going Somewhere, & you’re the only person who is kind of lost & confused. Don’t be tempted to think that people with a “career plan” have it all figured out, or that their lives are perfect. The truth is, most people don’t have a master plan at all. A lot of us are just blindly feeling our way, trying to make the best of whatever situations come our way.

Ths is a long-winded way of saying don’t feel bad because you haven’t got everything all figured out. No one does. The people who think they do tend to learn the hard way that they really don’t. Life is supposed to be an adventure, & it’s supposed to be tricky sometimes! That’s what makes life interesting! If every boy you liked fell at your feet immediately, or you were suddenly a wild success without really doing anything to get there, you would be bored to tears. A bit of a challenge is good for us, because it shows us what we’re made of & proves to us the power we really have — which then helps us to go on & do bigger, bolder & better things.

Here are some things to keep in mind if you feel like your quarter-life crisis stems from a lack of meaningful work:

Listen to yourself
Above all else, remember that you are living your life for you & you alone. If your life thus far has been an effort to make your parents/significant other/friends happy, believe me when I say that you are fooling yourself & wasting your time. This doesn’t mean you have to be inconsiderate or the world’s most selfish person, but you have to put yourself first. Don’t let people bully you into a lifestyle that doesn’t interest or suit you. It is a recipe for complete misery. No one wants to wake up at age 60 & realise they’ve completely squandered their life!

Often our parents, lovers, friends, religious leaders or other people in the community act as if they know what is best for us. While it’s true that everyone has a unique & valuable perspective on life, that does not mean that they are right, or that they can possibly know what our life should be like. Only you can determine that for yourself.

Listening to yourself means paying attention to what interests you, acting on what your intuition tells you (& not just shoving it down or ignoring it), & allowing yourself to grow, expand & make mistakes. Scary, yes! But once you have started living in this way, you’ll never go back. It is an entirely new experience.

Take it slowly
Don’t feel compelled to rush into anything. Time is an illusion, after all, so don’t allow an illusion to dictate your life! We all feel like there’s never enough time, but if you can make the effort to slow down, be in the present & appreciate what you’re doing right at this very second, that perception will begin to change.

Life is not a race, regardless of what your friends or the media may tell you. Who are you competing against, what are you really competing for, & does it actually matter? Your best friend might have a baby & a sparkly engagement ring, while your favourite cousin has a high-paying job & an amazing apartment, but so what? Everyone’s life moves at a different speed & no one is doing better or worse than anyone else. You might be envious of your friend’s baby while she secretly wishes she was unencumbered & able to travel the world like you do.

Don’t rush! Regardless of how uncomfortable it may feel, you are always at the perfect place for you, your life, your growth, development & experience.

Stay curious
As well as keeping you young, it will allow you to remain open to the opportunities that present themselves to you. Stay excited, keep asking questions, continue to move through life. It’s much better to be curious & happy than trapped in something you’re not enjoying.

Have faith in yourself
Sometimes you have to take a big, scary leap into the unknown. You may not know the next step, & you might not know exactly what you’re doing, or how it’s all going to work out — but you need to have faith in yourself & trust in the process.

A lot of people never take any risks because they feel the need to organise their life to death & have stringent plans which they execute like clockwork. That’s an okay way to live, but it’s certainly not very exciting, & it can take some of the thrill out of life! Life becomes much more magnificent when you just decide to do things, & trust that it will all work out. It can be terrifying, but it’s also amazing.

When you have vexing problems or a zillion questions, know that you already have the answer — & everything else you will ever need — inside you.

Be true to yourself
Become aware of the fact that what other people are doing with their lives is not necessarily right for you, no matter how fun/glamorous/cool/right it may seem. You cannot live anyone else’s life. You can only ever live your own, so don’t try to fit yourself into the mold someone else has poured.

Of course, you should try new things to see if they work for you or not. But don’t force yourself to do something if it’s not right for you, or just because you feel like you should. It will only make you feel uncomfortable. It’s much better to be authentic & cut your own path than take painful steps in someone else’s shoes.

Follow your passion
This is part of having faith in yourself, but gets its own mention because sometimes this can be hard to do — especially if people around you are critical or devoted to being “realistic” all the time. People with passion are often misunderstood because they sometimes look crazy from the outside! Don’t let other people’s opinions or judgements sway you. If you know what you’re doing & you have a vision, you should follow it.

“Everyone has a talent, what is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.”
— Erica Jong

If you really feel like you’re in the clutches of a quarter-life crisis & don’t quite know how to deal with it, these books come highly recommended. Many people have said they helped a lot — they no longer felt alone in their situation, & were able to gain some perspective & take steps which helped break them out of it.

Try Christine Hassler’s 20-Something, 20-Everything: A Quarter-life Woman’s Guide to Balance and Direction & 20 Something Manifesto: Quarter-Lifers Speak Out About Who They Are, What They Want, and How to Get It, The Quarterlifer’s Companion: How to Get on the Right Career Path, Control Your Finances, and Find the Support Network You Need to Thrive by Abby Wilner & Catherine Stocker, Conquering Your Quarterlife Crisis: Advice from Twentysomethings Who Have Been There and Survived by Alexandra Robbins, Quarterlife Crisis: The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties by Alexandra Robbins & Abby Wilner, & Upload Experience: Quarterlife Solutions for Teens And Twentysomethings by Jason Steinle.

You might also like to read this article from life coach Tim Brownson, How To Survive A Mid- Or Quarter-Life Crisis.

Part two is coming tomorrow, sweet thing, so sit tight!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Want To Be... A Fashion Designer!

[ 15 September 2008, 10:00 ]

My friend Ana Steele is one of the most amazing, intriguing people I’ve ever met. Our paths crossed at a goth-themed photoshoot (yes, really) for Pulp magazine where I was a model & she was the stylist. I was instantly drawn to this mad-looking girl with Tank Girl tattoos, wearing a faux-fur wig! We became fast friends & have shared many fun, bizarre evenings! All of that aside, she’s also an incredibly talented fashion designer. She whips up magnificent pieces with alarming regularity & is always trying something new or different, so she seemed like the ideal person to ask about making it in the fashion world!

Ana says, “I have a cynical disclaimer… It’s ALL TRUE! Do not be scared… I love my job…”

Tell us about what you do.
I am a fashion designer based in Auckland. NZ. I design my new collection every 6 months (Summer/Winter). I am still a ‘one lady’ band. I design, make patterns and samples, do sales trips, take orders, do costings per garment, manage production of orders, write and read countless emails, pay heaps of bills all while trying to stay sane and hopefully make some art and possibly have a life outside my workroom! And feed cat with meat… While I am designing a new collection, I am in production stage of the past season — so essentially, 2 jobs are happening ALL the time! Eek!

How long ago did you start on this path?
I have been in this industry — in some way or another — for almost 9 years! Eek x2!

How long were you doing it before you made it into your career or primary form of income?
I worked as an ‘apprentice’ for a small boutique in their workroom, part-time, for 5 years, learning about garment construction and production on a small scale. Yet did not prepare me at all for what I have gotten myself into now as a ‘producer and wholesaler’ of goods.

Did anything significant happen to get you to that point, or was it a series of small steps?
I entered a competition that was run by a new business searching for young fashion designers. I did well. Out of us 9 section winners, the judges chose 4 to work with the company and develop collections for Winter 2003… We were filmed over 3 months for a documentary screened as a TV2 episode. It was during this process I made wicked friends with fellow designer Michael Pattison, and we have since opened a workroom/retail space together. He is my bestest fiend xx.

Do you think official qualifications are important for someone entering your industry?
Not so much… But, I believe that years of study and determination does bring one an invaluable sense of work ethic — which I have never had. It has taken me 2 years of being in business to finally understand how much effort one must put in to achieve anything significant. And when you work for yourself, it’s never enough… I have started to wake up way too early, thinking about what should have been done yesterday!

What do you think is the best thing about working for yourself?
I am so fortunate I get to do what I want! I can make my art! Dangerous schedule but all hour, any hour!

What’s the worst thing?
I have to do it all by myself and make money somehow in a highly competitive industry… I am not so savvy in ‘business’ and to be an ‘artist in business’ ? Hahahaahahaha (2 worlds collide)... Crashing!

Rate how happy you are with what you do out of 100 (100 being the best, 0 being devastatingly awful) on an average day.
Today = absolute rats. Though still smiling! About 36.
Yesterday = creative funday and my ‘Sunday’ and hung out with a great friend. About 81.
In one month, aka fashion week = 100 fuckin’ percent, 1 minute after the show!

Would you call yourself a workaholic, & if so, are you alright with that? Do you think that’s normal for your industry?
I want to be a workaholic so much! I really need to be… but alas for me, I am a dreamy artist. The fashion designers that I know, who are successful, are total workaholics… Being around them pushes me to get more ‘flashness’ done faster!

What would your number one suggestion be for someone who wants to do what you do?
Don’t! Haha… Gosh man… Seriously think about it. Work in the industry with switched on folk and get an in. Starting up from scratch is so damn hard. Marketing is essential. And one needs some money — at least in NZ. I have to outlay all production costs with no deposit, a massive risk!

...How about number two?
Get a PR company and/or agent. It will be a costly monthly expense to your business, but if no one knows about you, you will make more money on the benefit.

What do you wish you had known when you first started out?
I wish I was born with a twin who is fully functional in all realms of business, who can interpret my wishes… Why does an artist want to care about spreadsheets and invoices?
Hell, I just want to make amazing clothes, draw pictures and spray paint mannequins xxx
Find a sweet, fashion savvy accountant, who you can pay in glorious clothes xxx

Are there any major misconceptions about your job or industry?
I guess that depends on who asks.
My industry looks glamorous from the outside. As explained earlier… ‘Tis not the case. It is a touch lonely, as you are working a lot — especially at the crucial times.
If you like to travel, why not try a sales trip? 2 weeks in a van thing… Totally fun, but do you like trailer parks?
If you enjoy glamour, try a fashion show! You will spend time putting masking tape on the soles of borrowed shoes while shooting a ‘lookbook’ of your designs at the last hour, making appointments, styling the show, not enough ears for phones. There is no time no more… wishing for that overdue holiday… it may not happen! Maybe next year?

What motivates you to keep doing what you’re doing?
My crew.
I have mentioned my workroom space with Michael. He is from Space. My fiend…
We also have the amazing Eunis (our sample machinist), and the ‘flash as Lara’ (Michael’s assistant) burlesque actress beauty.
We sing and dance heaps while ‘enduring’ each others company!
Each month brings a ridiculous new turn of phrase…
This month = SPRING BREAK! it must be exclaimed in THE MOST exuberant fashion one can fathom… We have convinced people from Korea, Amsterdam, China and Grey Lynn that this is a most exciting couple of words to screech at the opportune moment in time.
For example: A friend walks in the door announcing we should take a 10 min coffee hiatus… !!!! SPRING BREAK! !!!! YEA!
Or anything… I just finished my task! ... SPRING BREAK! Depending on the day… Use this information wisely of course. Say it loud + lewd xxx

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Want To Be... An Illustrator!

[ 8 September 2008, 10:38 ]

At only 24 years old, Molly Crabapple is the founder of international art movement Dr Sketchy’s Anti-Art School, as well as being an author, freelance illustrator & all-around inspiring girl. I was very fortunate to make her acquaintance in New York City. She’s always on the go, always doing something, & I can’t think of a better person to speak to about making a living as an illustrator!

Tell us about what you do.
I draw pictures for a living. This could mean hanging my work in gallery shows, illustrating kids books, designing installations for art parades, creating 30 foot theatrical curtains, or making webcomics. I’m also the founder of Dr. Sketchy’s Anti-Art School, a chain of alt.drawing sessions that takes place in 60 cities around the world.

How long ago did you start on this path?
I’ve been drawing since I was a little girl. As an angsty teen, it seemed natural to go to art school, and while there, I decided to take my passion for drawing and attempt to claw a living out of it.

How long were you doing it before you made it into your career or primary form of income?
I was a year out of college before I was able to subsist wholly on drawing. Before that, I had a variety of jobs, mostly in the scantily/ridiculously clad girl industry. If you want to make a living off of art, you have to put every second of your time into it. It’s not an industry for slackers!

Did anything significant happen to get you to that point, or was it a series of small steps?
Becoming a professional artist was definitely a series of small steps. The biggest thing that happened for me was creating Dr. Sketchy’s and getting a book deal out of it. Doing the Dr. Sketchy’s Rainy Day Colouring Book got me written up in over 80 media outlets around the world, and was the single biggest profile-booster I’ve ever done.

Do you think official qualifications are important for someone entering your industry?
NO! You do not need to pay 30,000 a year to have someone artistically legitimize you. While you definitely need a high degree of skill to go into art (not to mention the tenacity of the damned), you can get this through books, workshops, drawing classes, apprenticing with another artist, and carrying sketchpads wherever you go. As for launching your career — it’s all about networking. So leave the house.

What do you think is the best thing about working for yourself?
To me, being self employed is the only way to live life. There just seems something awful about being constantly doled out an allowance based on your obedience and ability to follow arbitrary “professional” rules. Being self employed is wildly unstable, but you can also do whatever you want.

What’s the worst thing?
Wild financial instability. Months with no income. Working many, many more hours than you ever would on a job.

Rate how happy you are with what you do out of 100 (100 being the best, 0 being devastatingly awful) on an average day.
Mid 80’s. Sometimes I get angsty because I didn’t get this or that opportunity. But then I remember that most people don’t get paid to draw pictures or travel around the world, and I slap some sense into myself.

Would you call yourself a workaholic, & if so, are you alright with that? Do you think that’s normal for your industry?
Yes. I’m a total workaholic. I don’t think you can run your own business, at least in the early years, without being one. Maybe later, when you’re very established, you can ease up. But not during the early years!

What would your number one suggestion be for someone who wants to do what you do?
Keep your eyes open for opportunities. There are thousands of ways for artists to promote themselves out there. You can illustrate for zines, do a catchy sketchblog, have shows in local bars. You just have to be very persistent, but you can get out there.

...How about number two?
Network with other artists, writers, gallery owners, media folks… everyone really. Your network will give you more opportunities than any promotional postcard mailing.

What do you wish you had known when you first started out?
I wish someone had told me that when someone wants you to work for free, they’re usually trying to rip you off. Cool pro bono projects are great, but save them for the wandering circus troupe, rather than the sleazy guy with the “idea for a children’s book”.

Are there any major misconceptions about your job or industry?
People think being an artist isn’t a real job. It’s actually a ton of work, but you can also make a decent living at it.

What motivates you to keep doing what you’re doing?
I love to draw. I also love mozying out of bed at noon and spending all day drinking espresso in my pajamas.

Who do you look up to within your industry & why?
I really look up to Travis Louie, as a brilliant artist in his own right, as a businessman, and as someone who consistently spreads opportunities to other artists. His generosity is unparalleled in the oft brutal gallery scene. Also, my man Fred Harper, Paul Booth for creating a world unto himself and Kevin O’Neill cause he wields a pen like a god.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Want To Be... A Cupcake Queen!

[ 31 August 2008, 15:11 ]

Jess & I got in contact at the end of 2007 when she emailed me to introduce herself, say she had just started a cupcake business & ask me if I’d like to taste-test her product. (Would I ever!) Since then we have become fast friends, shopped up a storm together in New York City, & sent many, many crass emails back & forth. As well as being an awesome, feisty & inspirational woman, she also makes the best (no comparison) cupcakes I’ve ever eaten. & I’m not just saying that!

Here’s an insight into her business & what she does!

Tell us about what you do.
I am the director, marketing executive, pastry chef, flavour consultant, administrative assistant etc. etc. for Sugadeaux Cupcakes. Okay, I run my own cupcake business. Did I mention we have merchandise?

How long ago did you start on this path?
Just under a year. I had always loved baking and trying new recipes, particularly with an interest in old-school American cakes and pies.

How long were you doing it before you made it into your career or primary form of income?
I had only been trading for about a month when I realised there was no need to hang on to my corporate office gig! But, as I said, I had always loved cooking and baking, I didn’t just decide one day to jump on the bandwagon because they were a hot fad in the States…

Did anything significant happen to get you to that point, or was it a series of small steps?
It was slow but steady growth that allowed me to do cupcakes as a career. But, before I launched, I invested time into the recipes, designs, research about where I wanted to position myself in a potentially crowded market, graphics, branding etc. etc. I had some great friends help me build a great website — invaluable.

Do you think official qualifications are important for someone entering your industry?
Not at all. I think it’s incredibly helpful to have professional training as a Pastry Chef (which I do not), particularly as they are familiar with great techniques which really help in inventing new recipes, and also tweaking current ones. I think it’s a bit of a matter of “you either have it or you don’t”. If you don’t have formal training, you still need to get to a place where you understand the chemistry of baking, and if you’re not interested in asking questions and seeking answers, you probably won’t be outputting the best product you could be producing… I am a firm believer that along with common sense, having the best product available will speak volumes. For example, I don’t have any flavours with banana in them, because I hate banana and wouldn’t be able to taste test. Pretty much it comes down to this: I produce what I would love to eat. If I don’t think it tastes the best it can, I don’t sell it.

What do you think is the best thing about working for yourself?
Autonomy, creative freedom, being responsible for my own time management, really maximizing my hours, not ever slacking because I’d only be robbing myself, plus I cannot recommend highly enough the satisfaction of being solely responsible for your own income. Score!

What’s the worst thing?
It’s a small detail, but it’s probably that I work by myself and therefore have no colleagues to whinge to or bounce ideas off. Your friends can only care so much about baked goods…

Rate how happy you are with what you do out of 100 (100 being the best, 0 being devastatingly awful) on an average day.
85. I’d like to be able to delegate, but I’m a control freak. I’m not sure 100 is attainable on an average day. There are definitely days in the nineties…

Would you call yourself a workaholic, & if so, are you alright with that? Do you think that’s normal for your industry?
I’m not a workaholic per se, but i am definitely 100% more motivated to work longer and harder now that it’s my own business. I think a true workaholic works themselves to the bone whether in their own business or being employed by someone else. I think in my industry, it’s more normal to delegate to an apprentice or other baker to do the work for you, basically teach the recipes and step back. I don’t do that, maybe one day if the workload is totally unreasonable I would, but not right now. The worst practice in the industry (in my opinion) would be changing the business to use packet mixes, to keep up with demand. If you became successful with a quality product, you never sacrifice that quality for production benefits. And uh, while I’m on a rant, I am religiously opposed to freezing cupcakes. I challenge anyone to honestly convince me that a thawed cupcake is EVER as good as fresh.

What would your number one suggestion be for someone who wants to do what you do?
Love food, love flavours, love baking, love weird kitchen utensils, love being creative. Do not do this because you think cupcakes are cute, or that it would be “fun”. Trust me, frosting 700 cupcakes gets non-fun pretty quickly, so the passion for the product itself has to be there. It’s not unlike yourself, Gala, although you clearly have a fabulous life and career, the fact is you do need to park your ass in front of a computer and invest quality time into writing and research. It’s not like you run around all day waiting for fabulousness to just happen… well, not every day.

...How about number two?
Damn you! Why did I read this after writing so much for number one?! Ok, number two is be realistic. I’m all for following dreams, but it is a business, it involves real money and you have to be sensible. For example, had there already been like 8 cupcakeries in my city, I might have decided that it’s not a particularly savvy idea to enter what would have been an already flooded market. I probably would have kept baking as a hobby for family and friends.

What do you wish you had known when you first started out?
How to rock a pair of pink cowboy boots… but then someone wrote this article...

Are there any major misconceptions about your job or industry?
Not really, it’s pretty transparent… As I kinda said before, it does take hard work, and a real love for the product. There is a general cupcake misconception I’m working hard to negate, which is that they should be covered in girlie flowers and ordered only on special occasions. So not true! I think they should be viewed like any other food — you crave it because of how it tastes, not because it’s cute.

What motivates you to keep doing what you’re doing?
I really adore baking, and the satisfaction of a total stranger with no agenda telling me that my cupcake is the best thing they have ever tasted is a pretty big motivator. It really gives me a huge sense of satisfaction knowing that armed with only a sweet tooth and pretty decent palate, I managed to create a food item this person adored. This is followed at a close second by the freedom and satisfaction of being your own boss.

Who do you look up to within your industry & why?
You HAVE to give props to Sprinkles cupcakes for kicking the whole thing off. They were the first to open a “cupcake only” retail store, with a very clean and high-brow image. I LOVE that they showed people that cupcakes don’t have to be synonymous with country kitsch shabby chic farmhouse decor. I’m sorry, but I don’t rate Magnolia. The story goes that their cupcakes were only produced because they had leftover batter from their basic butter cakes, and then of course the whole “Carrie eating a pink one” happened, and it went nuts. But, it was never the focus of their bakery, more of a happy accident i guess. On a local level, I actually don’t pay any attention to what my competitors are doing, because I don’t believe I’m the same as them. I’ve actually never even tasted a rival cupcake in Australia, because understanding how someone else’s tastes is not about to make me alter my own product.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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When SSM Strikes!

[ 26 August 2008, 21:50 ]

I have a confession to make. I have been struck by SSM. As a consequence of that, my style quotient has been pretty low recently. You may think, ‘Oh, sure, whatever’, but allow me to explain.

I have been sleeping in a black merino wool singlet, a pair of my father’s thermal long johns, & a pair of socks. This is not so bad — I mean, it’s not super-sexy, but hey — & I would leave it at that. ...Except for the fact that I have been throwing a hoodie over the top, & a long black skirt over the bottom, & figuring that this makes it an outfit!

No, Gala, no! This does not make it an outfit! Especially when you add black Ugg boots into the mix, which are what presently adorn my tootsies! (Don’t worry, I haven’t left the house in them. Yet!) It’s a terrible situation, really. I’m allowing myself some small amount of leeway because (as previously mentioned) I’m living out of one ill-packed suitcase. But I should definitely be making more of an effort.

Yes, SSM has definitely got me in its deathly, vice-like grip. So, what is SSM? It stands for Seasonal Sartorial Malaise, & it’s a hideous beast!

Initially I thought this was something that really only applied to getting dressed in winter. It’s so cold that at some point, all you really care about is staying warm, & damn the consequences! But it happens in summer, too. By the time I left New York at the end of July, all I wore was my black slip & a pair of boots, sometimes with a sequinned bikini top underneath for modesty’s sake, but most often not. (I was popular at my local pizza place, though.)

Sure, at the start of the season, we’re all excited. We finally have the chance to wear our new boots/swimsuit/coat/shorts, & by jingo, we do! But halfway through the season, the thrill seems to wear off somewhat. We fall into a kind of seasonal uniform, we stop making the effort & everything gets a bit dull. We begin to hanker for warm or cold weather, fantasise about a blanket of snow or a pristine tropical beach, & life starts to drag.

The good news is that you can easily break out of SSM — the first step is to admit that SSM has you in its sights!

Say it with me, now!

“Hi, my name’s _______, & I am drowning in a sea of SSM!”

Now, the solution. I prescribe as many of the following as you see fit — immediately, if not sooner!

Find a reason to get dressed up
If all you’re doing is going to work, then coming home & watching movies in front of the fire/air conditioner until you pass out, you don’t have a lot of encouragement to get sassy. Your life may not be one big carnival of thrills, & the only thing written in your calendar might be “buy cat food”, but it doesn’t have to be that way if you don’t want it to!

What kind of thing would make you want to dress up? A night at the opera? A first date? A dinner with a bunch of your favourite people? Once you’ve established what kind of thing would enthuse you enough to make the effort, get to work on making it happen! Contact your friends, organise a meal. Book tickets to the opera online & mark it down in your diary. Start talking to that cute person & ask them out on a date! (If there are no cute people to be had in your immediate vicinity, get on OkCupid! Stat!) Google for weird, free, fun or avant garde events in your city, & start going to them!

Fling the doors of your wardrobe right open. Crank up the music. Grab things, try them on, hop around on one foot, hold dresses up against yourself & devise an outfit, the likes of which have never been seen before! Experiment with your wardrobe. Have fun with it! Try things that you don’t think will work. See what happens!

There’s nothing better than a fabulous night (or day) out — with a fabulous outfit to match — to make you feel amazing again. It’s just that sometimes we get locked into our daily routine, & forget that really, we can do anything we please! Grab that fact & make it your own. Surprise & delight yourself!

Clean out your wardrobe
Okay, I know this is a daunting task for many of us. It gives us The Fear. How will we ever possibly manage to claw our way through years of bargain hunting, pants which are distinctly the wrong size & old bridesmaids dresses? The answer is simple: indulge in a little Wardrobe Taming. Beat that bad boy into submission!

No one can really put together a show-stopping outfit when the first thing they see when they look in their closet is a shrunken t-shirt with a stain on the front, a pair of ripped pyjama pants & a coat from 6 seasons ago. Do yourself a favour, & strip your wardrobe down to its bare bones! As scary a concept as it is, it’s true that you actually look better when you have fewer things to choose from — this is a lesson I learned when I was living in New York. Keep the good quality items which fit you, & get rid of the rest!

I did this when I went back to Melbourne a month ago. All my earthly belongings now fit into six suitcases! Yes, it’s slightly terrifying — but I have been left with only the things I really love. It all fits, it’s all in good condition & it all suits me. I’m delighted (& I can’t wait to receive it)!

Oh, you. What are you waiting for? Stop reading! Go & tackle that closet of doom!

Get some inspiration
It’s difficult to feel inspired to create a sartorial masterpiece when you have no visual fodder to spur you on. This is something I’ve been dealing with in Wellington — I have none of my usual pictures around to look at, which makes it hard for me. (Visual stimulus is very important for me!) The good news, though, is that there are about a billion different places you can find inspiration from. Flickr is one of my favourite resources, & if you’re looking for fashion-specific stimulation, the infamous Wardrobe Remix, started by Tricia Royal (who is now with daughter — congratulations, cutie!), is an invaluable place to get new ideas.

Big magazine shops are magnificent, too. Foreign fashion magazines, design bibles & Teen Vogue all have their own charm & are fantastic for sparking your synapses. Buy a huge stack, cringe as you hand over your credit card, then go home & tear them up to make an inspiration board. Get messy with glue, a pair of scissors & a big roll of tape! Then hang it near your closet & feel free to add & subtract from it as you see fit — let it evolve as your taste does!

Build on the latest looks
I am not a huge advocate of trend-following, as you probably know. As a general rule, I think it is boring & the domain of amateurs. But sometimes looking at the trends & latest styles can give you a fresh new vision, which is totally priceless. If the fashion magazines are predicting forest green, expand on it — mix it with safari gear & animal print & a bone through your nose. If they say purple is “it”, make your own version of Willy Wonka’s velvet suit, & carry a lollipop as an accessory. Don’t ever follow it to the letter — be creative, excitable, a bon vivant. Use their predictions as a jumping-off point for new, bold, fabulously weird things.

Go shopping
There is no better way to break the shackles of SSM than with an amazing new piece in your wardrobe! How can you possibly feel bored or stale when you have a pair of duck-egg blue cowboy boots, a houndstooth cape or an enormous powdered wig begging to be worn?

One thing I would suggest is that you shop in places off the beaten path. You might have your usual haunts, & that’s okay, but walking into a new store & trying on something completely radical can change your entire sartorial direction! The purchase of an amazing cranberry sweater from Yohji Yamamoto or a pair of incredible boots can give all your old items a whole new lease on life. You don’t have to spend a billion dollars — be discerning, get a few great pieces & watch as they shake up all your dressing conventions!

Hold a clothing swap
Invite your friends over & trade clothes! It doesn’t have to be just clothing, either — it’s great fun to swap jewellery, bags, belts & barely-worn footwear. You could even make invitations, if you wanted to get really into it. You should be sure to specify that only good quality clean clothing will be accepted to swap.

I have been to some clothing swaps which were a bunch of people who didn’t know one another, & honestly, it doesn’t bring out the best in people. They bring along stained sweaters because they know no one will know who brought it, & then expect to make off with a Chanel handbag. It’s not pretty. The good thing about inviting your friends over is that the pool is so small that there is no social loafing!

Play good music, open a bottle of champagne & have a dress-up party. Then go home with your new things & enjoy!

Has you succumbed to SSM before? What pulled you out of it, & brought you back to sartorial life? Share your tips & tricks!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

Comment [68]
Tags: aesthetic, how to, inspiration, life, productivity, question
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I Want To Be... A Tattoo Artist!

[ 17 August 2008, 17:44 ]

I recently received an email from a girl called Stina, saying that she would love to read more job guides on iCiNG! I’ve written about how to be a writer, how to be a blogger & how to get a job at Lush, but really, that’s about as much personal experience as I have. As Stina explained her idea, though, I realised that I know heaps of people with awesome jobs — people who love what they do, have talent & passion to burn, & are trail-blazing in their industry. So I started asking them for interviews. Here’s the first one, & it’s an interview with a friend of mine who has one of the coolest jobs I know of — Tim Kern, tattoo artist!

Let me know what you think of the series concept & if you have any requests (or if you have a fabulous career & want to volunteer yourself!), I’d love to hear from you!

Tim Kern is a tattoo artist working out of Tribulation Tattoo in New York City. He’s been tattooing for 13 years, & is an avid world traveller — his work regularly takes him from the East Coast to Japan & Europe. Along the way he’s picked up a bunch of awards, as well as working as a tattoo designer on a Charlie Kaufman movie & CSI: NY. He also happens to be completely awesome!

If you have any questions for Tim, leave them here & I’ll see what I can do about getting him to answer them!

Tell us about what you do.
I do tattoos mostly… I try to find time to paint and do other artwork, but it’s hard. Tattooing takes up a lot of my time and thought processes.

How long ago did you start on this path?
Which path? The left hand one? ;) I started tattooing when you were 12 years old… haha. Strange to think, but it’s true. (That’s 1995, by the way.)

How long were you doing it before you made it into your career or primary form of income?
I was apprenticing for about a year before I was allowed to tattoo anyone for money, so I kept my other job for a while. I was running a day center for homeless people, and doing graphic design occasionally. Once I was able to make money, it became my only job. I never looked back.

Did anything significant happen to get you to that point, or was it a series of small steps?
I think that you are constantly learning in life, so everything is a series of small steps. Occasionally broken up by great leaps of inspiration. I was tattooing for about 4 years before I stopped getting nervous at the beginning of every tattoo. At the beginning, you are just trying to do everything right. After a while, you can really start to express yourself with tattooing, but you have to be comfortable with the tools and techniques first.

Do you think official qualifications are important for someone entering your industry?
I think that an apprenticeship from a qualified tattoo artist is the best way to learn. I don’t still do everything the same way I was taught, but I think the experience was invaluable. There’s an awful lot of people who just buy a kit and start fucking people up, with no concept of cleanliness or preventing cross-contamination — that’s why health department regulation is important. Some cities/states go a bit overboard, but it’s definitely better to have regulations, than not. Keeps the scratchers at bay, to a degree at least.

What do you think is the best thing about working for yourself?
I love the fact that I don’t really have to answer to someone else. I know that seems obvious, but it really is a relief to not have to do something you think is stupid, just because the boss wants you to do it. I also can travel as much as I like, which is amazing. I love being able to see other countries. It really lets you know how diverse and amazing this world really is.

What’s the worst thing?
Probably the worst thing is that I have a hard time saying “no” to people. I need someone to tell people when I don’t have time for them. As a result, I end up working too much, and barely ever take days off. I need to be better about that.

Rate how happy you are with what you do out of 100 (100 being the best, 0 being devastatingly awful) on an average day.
I give myself an 86. I’m not always completely happy with what I do, but I’m doing my best to make it better all the time. I try to make what I’m doing the best tattoo I’ve done. If we don’t keep trying to improve ourselves and our work, what’s the point of doing it?

Would you call yourself a workaholic, & if so, are you alright with that? Do you think that’s normal for your industry?
I would probably describe myself as a workaholic. I think if you want to be good at anything, you run the risk of it being your whole life. Tattooing is definitely that way. I love tattooing, and most of my life revolves around it in some way. When I’m not actively tattooing, I’m often drawing for tattoos, or answering questions about tattoos. It’s an all-consuming thing…

What would your number one suggestion be for someone who wants to do what you do?
I would say to make sure you are doing it for the right reasons… not because you saw it on TV and thought it was cool, or because you think you can make tons of cash. Do it because you love tattoos, and you think you can actually contribute something. There are enough hack tattooers out there, fucking people up.

...How about number two?
I would say to work on your artwork. If you are serious about getting into the tattoo industry, you need to show a potential teacher that you are worth his time and trouble. He or she is much more likely to take you on as an apprentice, if you will be an asset to the community.

What do you wish you had known when you first started out?
I think it’s a constant learning process, so there’s a lot I still want to know. I would like to learn more about building and tuning machines. Technical stuff. I know a little now, but you can always know more… I am never satisfied…

Are there any major misconceptions about your job or industry?
I think there are lots of misconceptions, mostly due to the popularity of tattoo “reality” shows. You wouldn’t believe how many people think you can get an entire sleeve done in one day, because of how those shows are edited… I don’t really have anything against the shows, per se, since I have friends on one, but it does give people a rather unrealistic view of what can be accomplished in a sitting.

What motivates you to keep doing what you’re doing?
Pure stupidity, probably. Hahaha I don’t know… I love tattoos. I love having them, and I feel honored that people want to have my artwork on their body permanently. It’s kinda a scary idea, if I think about it too much… I am altering people for the rest of their lives. It’s quite a lot of responsibility. I’ve also made a lot of really great friends through tattooing, and I wouldn’t trade them for the highest paying job in the world.

Who do you look up to within your industry & why?
I admire a lot of the people who first influenced me when I was learning… and the ones that opened my eyes to new things since I started. Guy Aitchison, Marcus Pacheco, Paul Booth, Robert Hernandez... they first showed me that you can do something new and different with tattoos. That they could be art… I also really admire the work of Filip Leu, Shige, Xed LeHed, Nikko, Boris, Victor Portugal... just to name a few. There are so many astounding artists, it seems unfair that I have to leave anyone out… I’m sure there’s tons of amazing artists I haven’t even seen yet. I can’t wait till I do…

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: advice, how to, inspiration, i want to be, life
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First Date Etiquette

[ 13 August 2008, 21:54 ]

MissElle @galadarling Sushi land of horrors. Pre-mature balding and open palm on unwelcoming knees. Escaping through BFF phonecall, no turning back.

sugaducks @galadarling the guy tried to hold my hand. with ZERO chemistry. IN public. What happened to personal space?

daynadesastre @galadarling It was so awkward it only lasted 1 date. Afterwards I found out he tried to rape my friend’s boyfriend. 140 isn’t enough …

juliettemaxwell @galadarling Worst first date, involves a movie a bad car ride and the fact that he made me touch his beard eugh!

paulgerhardt @galadarling I got hit by a car 15 minutes before the date started; then watched “Freaky Friday” (2003); that sums up the whole relationship

birdiepie @galadarling – haha got hit in the head with a kendo staff by a goofy boy, trying to impress. went home alone shortly after, v. unimpressed

expat_erin @galadarling model gorgeous Macedonian guy (19 to my 24) who would not reciprocate oral. I shamed him into doing it and then I went home.

AnnieSpandex @galadarling The only two blind dates I’ve been on have been horrible miscalculations on my friend’s part. Zero chemistry = bad first date.

msjeanneb @galadarling Went to a movie, wound up holding hands and cringing away from the screen and each other. It was all kinda lame ultimately.

ferrouswheel @galadarling: worse date, girl went home with another guy while I was stuck DJing.

evilolive @galadarling We saw the movie Psycho, and then his car broke down in the rain. Police officers drove me home. We didn’t have a second date.

flutterby3 @galadarling Old friend took me to dinner, we got along great, then in the driveway he slurped my face & tried 2 handcuff me 2 the door. 0_o

rachelhills @galadarling My worst date would have to be the one where I literally ran away from the guy at the end of it.

mary_bee @galadarling the guy was missing his two front teeth, but kept it secret until he lunged at me for a kiss. he was really good at hiding it

mary_bee @galadarling – there’s nothing like the prospect of a date who can french kiss without opening his mouth. EEEWWW!!!!

skipp @galadarling this fellow Sandy seemed nice but immature. we lay down to watch TV and he immediately started trying to dry hump me. AWKWARD.

Oh, baby. These are not pretty stories. In fact, some of them are downright horrifying. It’s evident that some people just don’t know how to make a good impression! Avoid being a cautionary tale (or terrifying anecdote) by considering the following guidelines!

Remember, none of these are hard & fast rules — obviously the hope is that you & your date connect so well that none of these things even enter your mind — but they’re good parameters!

Be on time
I wrote about this in my article on How To Ace A Job Interview, but that’s because being punctual is really important! Arriving on time & being somewhere at the time you said you’d be shows that you respect whoever you’re meeting. I’m pretty tolerant these days but people running late still makes me feel pretty miffed!

It’s all about first impressions, & if you don’t show up on time, whoever’s waiting for you is probably going to feel pretty pissed off, as well as second-rate. A couple of minutes here or there is not such a big deal, but if you’re running 15 or 30 minutes behind time, make sure you text or call to let your date know! Like I’ve said before, people’s time is valuable to them — it’s one of the few things you can’t really buy — so be courteous & keep them in the loop!

Make an effort!
Let me put this plainly: looking like you just rolled out of bed is totally unacceptable… unless of course you’re doing that tousled sex kitten thing, which, done properly, takes hours to perfect! For most people, this is not something that needs to be said, but for some… well, they might need the odd reminder. So here it is.

I mean, you’re on a date! It’s one of the most potential-laden situations of all time! Anything could happen from here. You could fall madly in love, get pregnant, decide to elope, meet your new best friend or even the best friend of your future lover! This is just one of those events that demands a little extra prep.

Even if it’s not the ideal scenario for primping & preening — say you’re going for dinner straight after work — you can still take a couple of seconds to brush your teeth, change your shoes, apply some more mascara or spritz some fragrance. After all, you never know what might happen… !

Avoid arguments
Most people go out on dates to have a good time & maybe find someone to snuggle — not to prove that they were once on the debating team! Basically, arguing with someone you’ve just met is not always the most charming thing. Yes, of course, some people have ridiculous opinions on everything under the sun, but if you can just shake that off & not take the bait, your evening will be much more pleasant & conflict-free. Staying away from subjects like politics & religion are usually a good tactic; at least on the first date.

Having said that, it all depends on what you’re there for. If you’re just looking for someone to sleep with, then knowing their political stance on tuna fishing is probably not that important. But if you’re a strict Catholic & you’re on the market for a relationship, you’re probably not going to be too amped if your date digs human sacrifice. Do it your own way, but proceed with caution!

Be charming & positive
Even if you just had the world’s worst week, think back to your last Things I Love Thursday list (wink wink!) &, well, in the words of Monty Python, look on the bright side of life! There’s nothing worse than being held hostage by someone who only wants to whinge & moan — while conversely, there’s nothing more fabulous than spending time with someone who is in love with life! That kind of energy is infectious… in a good way!

So turn it on & be happy. Remember that you’re trying to make the best possible impression — which probably means that angsting about your job is out!

Don’t talk about your ex
I would take it a step further from this & say that talking about relationships at all on the first date is pretty much a no-go. No one is deluded enough to think you don’t have a history, but it doesn’t need to be raised immediately. After all, if the first thing you talk about is your ex, whoever you’re with is going to conclude that your last relationship is still pretty close to the surface — & no one wants to be a rebound!

I think the truth is that no one ever really wants to hear about who came before them. It’s just a bit uncomfortable. It’s all too easy to start that ugly cycle of comparing yourself with them, & that never ends well. So do your date a favour, & keep your mouth shut on the subject.

Ask about the other person
A perennial truth: Everyone’s favourite thing to talk about is themselves! While this fact might initially make you feel slightly down in the mouth, recognise it for the blessing it is. It means that you never have to worry about being boring or fossicking around to come up with conversation — just ask about them! That’s it! That’s all you have to do! Ask them questions & take an interest. They will come away from the conversation thinking you are the most scintillating date ever. (Good trick, huh?!)

Hopefully they will ask about you too, but if they don’t, you’ll know they’re probably not worth seeing again!

Keep it clean
...Unless you’re absolutely certain they’re receptive to an in-depth discussion of your nun fetish or your penchant for telling filthy jokes! Most people don’t swear like pirates, & you might offend them if you do.

Although honestly, the more I think about it, the more controversial this point seems. I mean, if you love to curse your head off, or if you’re nothing without your collection of Japanese pornography (& if your partner not being able to cope with that is a deal-breaker), maybe it would be good for you to lay your cards on the table at the very start. Again, it all depends on what you’re looking for, & maybe how kinky whatever you’re considering sharing is!

Don’t criticise
I’ll keep this one simple: you’re not their mother, & they’re probably not interested in your opinion. Sweet! Let’s move on!

Respect their personal space!
This one is really important, & mostly it comes down to understanding social cues. If you’re not very good at guessing how people are feeling, now’s the time to learn! Go to the library & get out some books on body language as a starting point. Really though, what this means is that if you can accurately interpret other people’s behaviour, you hopefully won’t end up in one of those scary situations above — like totally-inappropriate-dry-humping or no-chemistry-hand-holding-in-public!

Drop the phone, buster
Okay, I know this is kind of controversial because a lot of us are in pretty unhealthy, codependent relationships with our phones. I don’t care about mine so much in New Zealand, but in America, where I could text for free, check my email & look at my site, I was chronic. It would have been embarrassing if I was more self-conscious. Anyway, my point is, the person you’re sitting with — who I’m assuming you have only recently met — is not going to feel too fabulous if you seem more intrigued by whoever is on the other side of your screen. Once you know each other a little bit, you can relax, send text messages & take phone calls, but honestly, if you’re on your phone all the way through the date, recognise that it’s probably not going to win you any popularity contests.

Really, it’s all about being in the moment. Sharing that with someone is one of the best gifts you can give them. But of course, the key lies in being in the moment with the person on the other side of the table, not your friend in Minnesota!

Now, the perennial question. Should you sleep with them on the first date?

I tend to think that it kind of takes the fun out of things. This has nothing to do with that old saying of “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” — which I think is sad — but really it’s more about the suspense & anticipation of finally sleeping with someone when you’ve been wanting to for ages! (Ages like… the second date. I kid, I kid!) It’s so much more fun that way, plus you get the thrill of the chase. Psychological titillation! There’s nothing like it for a good time!

What do you think?

Best of luck in your dating endeavours! I hope you end up like the couple above — dancing, smiling & wearing silly hats!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

Comment [52]
Tags: how to, life, madame, monsieur
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Oh My God, I Think I'm Ready To Date Again...

[ 12 August 2008, 00:21 ]

This morning, I received the following email…

“I’ve recently come out of a six year relationship. I fell out of love with my partner & things just fizzled. I feel like I’m almost ready to start dating again. However, my partner was the only man I’d ever slept with & before him, I’d never really had a serious boyfriend. I know things will be different & I’m excited about the prospect of meeting someone new, of flirting, of great first dates & even bad ones! But I’m also petrified. Getting back out there is going to be tough so I was wondering if you had any advice on getting back on the horse…”

Congratulations on deciding to “get back on the horse”! My sweet, you are in for an exciting time. Frustrating, challenging, perplexing? Well, of course, it can be that, too! But mostly, it’s exciting, fun & interesting — so get ready!

How do you know you’re actually ready to start seeing other people? Sometimes we think we are, but we’re wrong (or just delusional). Here are a few signs you might not be ready to take the plunge just yet.

You’re still involved in your ex’s life
Let’s face it, you’re not going to be able to really move forward & commit yourself to someone else if you’re still attached to your ex — especially if you think there’s a chance you might still get back together. If you’re still having lunches, calling, emailing, reading all their online output & hanging on to their belongings, you need to let that stuff go.

You’re still bitter
If you’re still going around telling everyone what a terrible boyfriend/father/artist/lay your ex was, then you need some time to chill the hell out before you get involved with someone else. Firstly, any prospective lovers will smell that stuff a mile away, & RUN! Secondly, if you’re still encumbered with that kind of baggage, you are obviously not ready to move on. You’ll just bring it with you to your next relationship, effectively poisoning it. Not cool, & not fair to your new lover victim!

You refuse to accept responsibility for the break-up
What is it they say? That “it takes two to tango”? Amen, baby. Your ex may have been a hideous wildebeest, but even if they were, that doesn’t mean the relationship was doomed. Why, some people love hideous wildebeests! While it’s not usually a 50/50 blame split, it shows maturity to be able to say that for your part, you could have done this or that, communicated your needs more clearly or been more tolerant.

Your mind is all messed up
Before you start searching for a new beau or belle, I think it’s important to take stock of your old relationships. This doesn’t mean obsess or fixate, but just run them through your mind & see if you can uncover any negative patterns. Maybe you always date guys with a substance abuse problem, girls who are cold to you or transsexuals who always steal your mascara (hey, it could happen!). I believe that knowledge is power, so if you are aware of your own patterns, you can start to break them. (My suggestions for breaking them would be EFT & therapy.) Otherwise, you’re pretty much trapped by your own subconscious, which is no fun for anyone!

You want a new relationship for the wrong reasons
...Including getting revenge on your ex, shutting up your parents or friends who keep asking if you’ve “met anyone nice yet”, you’re depressed & just want to be loved, or you’re looking for a distraction.

(Here are some more questions to check how you feel about your last relationship.)

Okay, so assuming that you can strike all those unfortunate situations from your list, it’s time to dive back into the dating pool! Come on in, the water’s fine…

Work out what you want
You don’t have to write a blueprint for the perfect man, & in fact, the less rigid you make your wishlist, the better — & the easier it is to fulfil. But you do need to have some kind of handle on what you’re looking for. Do you want a friend to kiss? A mother for your children? Someone to go to dinner with? A warm person in your bed? If you don’t know the answer, it’s likely that you’ll just spin in circles, attracting the wrong kind of people & confusing everyone you come in contact with.

Instead of writing the recipe for the perfect man (“6 foot 2, big blue eyes, owns his own business, no parents, private jet, a PhD from Oxford, no emotional baggage & a Maserati”), you might like to write down some important attributes of a desirable lover. These could be things like a sense of humour, an active lifestyle, being self-motivated, respectful, etc. Rank them in order of most to least important, & then keep it around. Look at it every so often. It’ll keep you on track!

What about deal-breakers? Is there anything that you absolutely will not tolerate, like meat-eating, bad spelling, an active dislike of cats or picking their toenails in bed?! If there is, you need to be aware of it so that if it’s something you encounter, you can avoid it or go the other way! Trust me, it will make your life easier, & much more relaxing!

Cast a wide net
The key to finding yourself someone smoochable is the same as the key to finding friends — you have to leave your house & meet people! Sorry, it’s unavoidable! Even if you first start talking online, there comes a time where you have to close your laptop & get face to face. So stop stalling, get out there & be charming!

Where have I met my lovers? All over the place, but mostly they are introduced to me by mutual friends. It makes sense to get involved with the people who are friends with your friends — you already have something in common & you’re probably like-minded. If you’re newly single, it’s possible that you haven’t been going out with your other single friends as much recently. That’s good news though, because it probably means they have a whole new social circle you haven’t been introduced to yet!

Other than flicking through your friend’s friends, you can also try online dating (OK Cupid is a goodie), speed dating (how efficient!), blind dating, the casual encounters section of Craigslist, joining a group or club, taking a class, walking your dog in busy places, picking up girls in the supermarket, spending lots of time in cafés looking mysterious, flirting with your workmates (caution: only for the experienced!), placing a personals ad in the newspaper, trawling Flickr for good-lookin’ folks, going out dancing, making new friends at gigs & shows, taking up a new sport or just smiling at everyone you see!

Stay open-minded
First impressions are lasting, but don’t vote someone off the island if they don’t live up to your impeccable standards in the first five minutes. You’re not perfect, & they don’t have to be either. If you meet someone who is amazing but not very stylish, or who is very kind but not a genius, relax! Just because all your other lovers were stylish rocket scientists, this new person doesn’t have to be. & didn’t your other relationships end for a reason, anyway? Maybe something completely different is what you need!

My point is, try new things. Go out with someone with tattoos, start seeing an accountant, or seek out someone who is unusual in some other way. Try someone from another country or religion. Stop dating models & start dating mechanics. You never know! People are usually pretty delightful if you’ll just give them the opportunity to show it!

Look for friends first
Similar to the way new lovers will be able to sniff your bitter underbelly if you’re not over your break-up, people can smell desperation too — & it’s very unattractive. People don’t want to get involved with the needy, it’s just a drag, & then of course it begs the question, “Are you with me because you like me or just because you can’t bear to be alone?”. If you go out with the intention of making friends, that way you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you end up getting involved with one of them — rather than constantly searching in vain for the perfect lover. (You can never have too many friends, anyway!)

Get comfortable with yourself
One of the things I’ve noticed is that new love interests tend to come along when you’re not actually looking for it. You’re happy & living your life, feeling busy & fulfilled, when all of a sudden, you’re blind-sided by some gorgeous creature & everything changes. Of course, this kind of information is no good to anyone who is desperate to find someone to fall in love with, but my advice would be to pare back the desperation a bit! Get comfortable with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. Don’t let it freak you out — let me tell you a secret. Ultimately, you are all you have. Forever & ever, amen. So you better learn to love yourself, or it’s going to be a rocky road!

So you’ve found someone who cranks your handle (ooh la la!) — now what?

Don’t play games
Anyone who is worth their salt doesn’t — & will be put off if you do. It’s lame & manipulative & disingenuous. That means, if you say you’ll call someone, then do it! Don’t wait the prescribed three days or think that if you actually do what you say you’ll do, that it means you’re desperate. Would you really want to be involved with someone who was only interested in you if you played “hard to get”, anyway? What would that say about their own personal psychology? Think about it, toots!

Be proactive
Even today, lots of girls sit around waiting for a guy to make the first move. That’s ridiculous. You are just as capable of grabbing someone & dragging them to a dark corner for a smooch as they are! So stop waiting around for that saucy man to drop a hint, & drop some of your own!

Go Dutch
As awesome as it is when someone offers to buy you dinner or pay for you to go to a movie, after all you can start to feel a sense of obligation… & do you really want to feel like you should sleep with someone just because they bought you a meal? You can avoid all this awkwardness by offering to pay your own way. If they’re being all chivalrous & “No no no, allow me!” as they plonk down their platinum Visa card, throw some bills on top. Most people are pretty happy to accept money from others, but they feel like they shouldn’t because it’s not the done thing — or whatever. Side-step that nonsense & buy your own meal. If nothing else, it proves that you’re independent & awesome & not looking for someone to prop you up financially! (All the women who’re independent, throw your hands up at meeee! ...You’re so Beyonce right now.) Later on, you can buy one another meals & whatnot, but at the beginning, going Dutch is easiest.

Communicate honestly
You’ve heard it a gazillion times, but it’s still true & it’s still important — & when I say communicate, I don’t just mean the words which fall from your mouth. Your behaviour has to be in accordance with what you say, or you’ll be the Monarch of Mixed Messages & no one wants to visit that kingdom. You need to tell the truth & not only that, you need to open up & tell them things they don’t ask to hear. Like, for example, what your expectations for the relationship are. Is this just a casual thing or something more? If you say it’s casual but then act like it isn’t, what are they going to think? Who knows?! Be straight up. If the relationship doesn’t seem to be working, say something! If you want more orgasms, talk about it! If you think you’re falling in love, spill the beans! Don’t let your fear of being vulnerable hold you back from something real.

Be interested in them
Don’t make it all about you, because if you do, they’ll get bored. Relationships require a bit of give & take, & it’s important to remember that the vast majority of people operate from the position of “What’s in it for me?”. If there’s nothing in it for them, other than grief & paying for your expensive tastes, they’ll walk. If you don’t want that to happen, try to make it worth their time to be there! Most people just want to be appreciated, so if you have to feign an interest in their model cars or collection of belly-button lint, then do so! Let them talk. Smile sweetly. They’ll love you for it.

Dating can be strange & rife with dysfunctional personalities, bad table manners & terrifying anecdotes… but nothing compares to the sweetness of a first kiss or the glee of holding hands with someone who makes you smile.

Good luck!

Extra For Experts:
How To Ask A Girl Out & Stop Hanging Out from The Art Of Manliness. (Yes, really!)
Coming soon… First date etiquette! Watch this space!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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10 Ways To Snap Yourself Out Of A Slump

[ 10 August 2008, 22:01 ]

Ah, yes. Feeling blue. The doldrums. Sad & listless. A feeling of ennui. Apathy & lassitude. Stagnation & tedium. Quelle drag! We all feel like this from time to time, & it can be hard to know what to do about it. Especially when all we really feel like doing is hanging out in our pyjamas (which are probably in desperate need of a wash), flicking between the channels, eating chocolate & pouting at ourselves in the mirror!

What you need is what I like to call a glee jolt! Something to snap you out of your sad, shuffling ways. A sweet little blip of excitement & joy to propel you forward into the next phase of your life. Here are some of my favourite ways to break the shackles of a slump. Let us know your suggestions in the comments!

Drive quickly!
Go for a strop around the block & see if it doesn’t make you feel better. Drive safely, of course, but put your foot down. There is really nothing like a quick blast of blood to the back of the brain to wake you up & get your adrenaline pumping! Watch the sights go whizzing by, feel the tyres bite into the road below you, crank up some of your favourite tunes & enjoy yourself. You don’t need to drive anywhere specific, though if I had my choice I would probably head towards the sea for an ice-cream. (If you don’t drive, have someone else be your personal carriage service.) Admittedly, I’m a bit of a speed demon. I have lots of great memories from childhood where I sat next to my father while he absolutely booted it down the road as he drove me to school, so this may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it certainly works for me!

Yell some positive affirmations
I know that the concept sounds lame, but honestly, they work. What we say or think out loud we start to believe, so you might as well feed your psyche with positive messages! In my experience, affirmations work best if what you say means something to you, if you say it loudly while looking in the mirror & if, at the same time, you beat on your chest like Tarzan! Yes, it sounds ridiculous, but trust me when I say that it amps you up! If you need to wear some tiger-print gear to really feel it, then damnit, just do it! Feel free to yodel & swing on vines if you have the urge, too!

Scare the hell out of yourself
We all reach a point of complacency & boredom at some stage. One of the best ways to deal with this is to do something which terrifies you. Maybe that means doing aerobics in public, taking an acting class or ditching your relationship which isn’t working, but whatever it is, you should do it! If not now, when?, & all that stuff. The best thing about doing something which scares you is that when you’ve actually done it, once the trembles have subsided & your heart-rate returns to normal, your body will inflate with a sense of accomplishment & general awesomeness. You will be amazed at how well you just did. You will feel gooooood! You will feel unconquerable! You will feel emboldened & fabulous & ready for serious, magnificent change! Those kinds of feelings are worth enduring the shakes for. Don’t be timid — be vivid! — & reap the rewards.

Get away from everything
If you’re feeling bogged down & sluggish, escaping your normal life can be a fantastic way to get back on track again. It feels so good to do something completely different for a while — it gives you an entirely new perspective on what your life is like & what you should do next! Your idea of what “getting away from it all” is will depend on your situation, & could range from a weekend on the ski slopes to a night dancing in Las Vegas to a week in a silent meditative retreat. I also often find that just the simple act of planning or dreaming about a holiday is enough to break me out of my doldrums, but maybe that’s a Virgo thing! Wink wink!

Spend time with an unusual person
Like Sark says, “Invite someone dangerous to tea”. Of course, your workmates & close friends are wonderful, but sometimes what you really need is someone to give you a bit of a shake-up. They don’t need to be an ex-con or someone with Problems (with a capital ‘P’), but someone with radical political ideas or a penchant for wearing wigs can stimulate your brain & get you feeling excited about life again. Conversations with people like that are fantastic; you never really know what they’re going to say next & they can give you all sorts of ideas that may never have struck you before. Don’t be afraid of new people — they might be just what you need.

Find some aesthetic stimulation
I think that mostly, the feeling of being in a slump comes from a lack of enthusiasm about what’s going on in your life. You might have a goal but perhaps you feel discouraged, or just a bit demotivated. I’m a very visual person so for me, having pictures which delight & thrill me is really important. I love to peg advertisements & photoshoots on string, but when I lived alone in Auckland, I had a wall behind my couch covered in photos of my friends & I having fun. If you’re in a city that doesn’t really turn your crank (like I was at the time), having a visual reminder that your life is actually pretty awesome is a great thing.

Start flirting
There’s nothing like a fledgling romance to make life shiny & new again! Oh, the excitement! The deciphering of text messages… the thrill of getting to know each other… the glee as you discuss it all endlessly with your best friend! You get to hold hands, share sweet fluttery kisses, have sleepovers & compose filthy emails — all valuable past-times! It doesn’t have to be an epic romance for it to be fun & worthwhile; even if it only lasts a couple of weeks, it’ll still be fun!

Dress in one colour
...But not black. It doesn’t count, you goth, you! Pick something bright & marvellous — like pink, purple, orange or blue — & go crazy! If your wardrobe isn’t comprehensive enough to make this happen, talk to some friends & see what you can borrow in those shades. Then make a day of it. Pile on all your pink/purple/orange/blue clothes & hit the town. Go to the supermarket. Walk the dog. Eat some cake. You’ll be gob-smacked by the response you get from the general public (honestly, they love pretty much anyone who takes sartorial risks) & being surrounded by all the bright colours will make you feel incredible.

Switch up your routine
Even the smallest change to your day-to-day life can make a huge difference to the way you think & feel. It doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant either — though, of course, expensive & extravagant changes can be a lot of fun! Try something simple, like catching the train to work instead of the bus. Go out for dinner instead of ordering in. Visit your local pool after work & have a spa. Trade books for television or vice versa. Take a French class or paint your bedroom. Just make little tweaks, & see how they impact your general happiness.

Exercise
This one gets mentioned last because it makes an appearance on pretty much every self-improvement list ever published on the internet, & I know that gets tired. But hey, the reason exercise gets name-dropped with such ferocity is because… wait for it… it works! Okay, so you don’t have to go for a run if you don’t want to. Make it enjoyable! Try bunny-hopping across your living room, dancing the can-can, lying a broom across two chairs & doing the limbo underneath it, doing some contortion or climbing some trees. & if you simply cannot find something which gets your heart-rate up that you enjoy, bribe yourself to do it by buying yourself a chocolate bar afterwards!

Bonus ideas
Hunt for treasures in vintage stores. Find a hammock. Throw yourself an unbirthday party (complete with cake, candles & alcohol). Buy fireworks. Hire a fancy dress costume & wear it to your friend’s house. Record your lover snoring. Make a video of you impersonating a celebrity. Write long love letters. Sleep upside down. Refuse to get dressed. Start a collection of false eyelashes. Re-write all your social networking profiles. Stretch. Eat flowers.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Ace A Job Interview

[ 29 July 2008, 00:55 ]

Oh, job interviews. One of the most nerve-wracking experiences ever, especially if you’re going for a job you actually really want! While you probably won’t get every job you interview for, there are definitely some things you can do to help increase your chances. Here are my tips for impressing the pantaloons off anyone in an interview.

Be on time
This is the most important thing. Really.

When I used to go to job interviews, sometimes if I realised I was going to be late, I wouldn’t bother showing up at all. Naughty, perhaps, but honestly, most of the time, being late is almost impossible to recover from. If I was late for a job interview — theoretically the time where you are trying to be most impressive — what were the interviewers going to assume about my actual work?! It sends a pretty loud & clear negative message. I figured it was better to stay home & get some sleep instead!

Of course, there are exceptions. Sometimes there are very real & unavoidable reasons why you’re delayed. If this is the case, make sure you let your interviewer know as soon as possible, & let them know that you’re open to rescheduling if that is more convenient for them.

If you’re someone who is chronically late, step it up, toots! Being late makes other people feel like you don’t respect them or their time, & time is precious to everyone. (Read this for more information.) If being late is something you always struggle with, start writing your appointments down for half an hour before the actual time!

Make conversation
Because work is where people spend the majority of their time, most employers are pretty conscious of the kind of people they want in their workplace. As a general rule, people want to hire other people with whom they get along. While weird, awkward, socially stunted people do get jobs, they will often be passed over for someone with comparable skills but a lot more charm. It just makes everyone’s life easier.

What this means is that you should make every effort to show how lovely you can be. If this statement confuses you, let me break it down for you. Smile! Laugh! Be positive! & above all, make conversation! It doesn’t have to be the world’s most scintillating discussion, but even throwing in a little anecdote about your morning or what you did on the weekend will make your interviewer feel like they’re actually talking to a real, relatable person & not some terrified robot or freaky automaton.

When it comes to an interview, usually you won’t get to that stage unless you have the skills you require for the role. So look at an interview as your opportunity to prove how super & cool you are, how awesome you’d be to work with, & how much fun you’d bring to the team.

(For more tips, see How To Be Charming!)

Have questions to ask
...Other than “How much are you going to pay me?”, which should typically be left until later in the piece!

Why should you do this? Because it shows that you’re keen enough to take an active interest. It illustrates to the interviewer that you’ve thought about the job — you’re not just there because they were the only place to call you back.

Coming up with a few questions doesn’t have to be a big mission. I would often think about the role on my way there (while I was on the bus or in a taxi) & jot down a few thoughts about it. So you might like to ask them how long the role has been around — whether it has evolved & will continue to, or if it’s fairly static. You could ask about the level of autonomy you’d be gifted. You could ask who was in the role previously, why they left & where they went. You can enquire about the culture of the team or company, how social they are, what they’re like. & if you really want to score points, you could ask the interviewer how they got to where they are today. (Everyone loves to talk about themselves.)

You don’t need to get all Spanish Inquisition on it — just a few well thought out questions will do the trick & make you stand out from the other applicants.

Be enthusiastic
I know I say this all the time, but enthusiasm cannot be overestimated!

Everyone loves an enthusiastic person! Except for really grumpy people, but who wants to impress them anyway?!

This means you should demonstrably show your excitement about the role. (If you’re not excited about it, perhaps it would be better for you to find something that actually turns your crank, rather than bouncing from similar role to similar role, expecting things to change… We’re all guilty of this one at some point.)

You don’t need to skip into the interview room, but definitely smile, appear alert, lean in towards the interviewer when they’re talking, mirror their body language, say, “I’m so excited about this role!”, & let them know you’re looking forward to hearing back from them. Honestly, even just saying you’re psyched to be there will make them smile. Everyone wants to hire someone who really wants it! There’s nothing worse than a gaggle of lack-lustre, bored-looking applicants. Make an effort to stand out!

You’ve probably heard this before, because I mentioned it in my How To Make Your CV Impressive article, but I once got an awesome job as a book buyer — for which I was wildly underqualified — because I was so enthusiastic. Never fear! Enthusiasm will get you there!

Do your research
If you know a little bit about the company you want to work for, you’ll be doing better than most of the people you’re up against. Google them before you go to the interview & read up on some vital stats or their latest news. You don’t necessarily need to demonstrate your knowledge in the interview, but if you have the opportunity, you should. If you don’t really get the chance, or it would be out of place to start reeling off facts, at least you’ll feel more secure in the interview!

Have ideas
This isn’t always going to apply, because often you won’t know much about the role you’re applying for until you actually get into the interview. But if you already have the low-down on what your job might entail, going into the meeting with a bunch of ideas is always a positive thing.

When I say ideas, I mean things you could do to improve their situation, which might range from implementing a new system to changing the way you deal with incoming phone-calls. While your ideas may never be implemented, just having them in your mind & expressing them to your interviewer speaks volumes. It will show that you take initiative, that you’re a good problem-solver, & that you’re invested in the role.

The one caveat I would add is that sometimes people are threatened by a bold thinker, so if you’re going to talk ideas, make sure you do it in a way that doesn’t imply that you’re going to bulldoze their entire department!

Pick up the interviewer’s slack
Let’s face it, your interviewer isn’t always going to be mind-blowing. In fact, often the task of interviewing just falls to the person who is available, not necessarily the person who is best qualified to do it, or even happiest doing it.

If your interviewer — let’s just say it — sucks, then it’s your job to pick up their slack. If you look at it objectively, they have nothing to lose or gain from the interview, really. They’re just doing their thing, & if they don’t like you, they won’t hire you, & then they’ll go back to their cubicle & play with their stack of Post It notes & then go out for their lunch break. But you? Well, if they don’t hire you, you have to send out more applications, go to more interviews, & keep looking for a job. You have much more riding on the situation. So it’s really in your best interests to do whatever you can to make sure you’re the person who gets the role.

Picking up the interviewer’s slack might include giving longer answers than you think they’re expecting, volunteering information that is relevant but hasn’t been asked for, being ultra-charming or asking them questions in the hopes that they will bounce them back to you. Really it’s just about taking the initiative, & taking control of the interview (in a non-threatening way).

Sell yourself
Most people go along to interviews, answer the questions, nod their head, smile nervously, shake hands & bolt. While they will eventually get hired by someone, it’s not what anyone is really looking for.

Make yourself sound like you would be an asset to their company, rather than just someone who is going to sit around & suck up a salary! How you do this will depend on your personality & the role you’re going for, but basically it’s important to make yourself sound like you’re worth hiring. If you have amazing skills, talk them up! If you’re the queen or king of conflict-resolution, say so! Don’t hide yourself away. You might be the world’s most wicked spreadsheet whiz, but if you don’t mention it, no one will know! An interview is not the time to be shy. In a situation like this, it’s much better to be cocky than forgettable.

Be appreciative
Let your interviewer know that you are thankful that they’re taking the time to meet you. This doesn’t mean kissing their feet or grovelling or putting yourself in a subserviant position (“Oooooh interviewer, thank you for picking meeeee, I’m not worthy!”), it just means showing your appreciation in a real way.

One of the best ways to do this is to look in their eyes while you shake their hand & say, sincerely, “Thank you for taking the time to meet with me”, but you can show your appreciation in other ways too. You could say thank you a billion times, but if you slump in your chair & stare out the window & chew gum, no one’s really going to be very convinced. Make sure your body language echoes your sentiments.

Do practice interviews
If interviews really freak you out, it can be helpful to have a couple of practice runs with someone you know. Have a friend ask you some typical interview questions (here’s a list!), & then take your time while you think about them & answer them. Honestly, you can do this on your own, you don’t need a buddy to help you, but it can be good to have someone else there to bounce ideas off.

Know your career objectives
You don’t have to know what you want to be doing in the next thirty years to make a good impression in an interview. The fact of the matter is that most people don’t know what they want to do with their lives until they’re about 35… & lots of people never really know.

You don’t need to know that in 10 years time you’d like to be CEO of Taco Bell — in many jobs, it’s really only important that you have some idea of what you’d like to learn. Don’t worry about slapping a title on it. So if your interviewer asks you, “What are your career objectives?”, it’s perfectly okay to just say the kind of skills you’d like to obtain.

Even if all you can think is that you’d like to work in human resources, or editing, or production, just say that. A vague direction is better than nothing at all; it gives them an idea of where you’d like to head (& creates a picture of what you might do within their company), & if they employ you, it will help them point you in a direction that is interesting to you.

Well, those are the things that have helped me get through job interviews over the years. (Believe me, I’ve had plenty!) Tell us your secret hints!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Have A Summer Romance (With Yourself)

[ 23 July 2008, 11:37 ]

Ah, summer. Big blue skies, singing birds, parties on the beach & tiny outfits. Is it any wonder that so many people are in the mood for lurve?

The problem, of course, is that we can’t always find someone worthy of our affections. Maybe they already have a girlfriend, maybe they’re always busy working, or maybe you run laps around them intellectually. All of these things put a damper on the idea of a summer romance! Even then, sometimes people are disappointing, or not as romantic as you’d hope, or they don’t share your fervour for eating cheese in treehouses. & I mean, honestly, a summer romance isn’t a summer romance without cheese in a treehouse. So I propose that you use all your loved-up energy on someone much more deserving.

You!

You knew that was coming, huh? Regardless, here are my suggestions to have a rollicking good time summer romance with yourself!

Court yourself
The first days of fresh love are delightful & tender. You get to see the absolute best parts of whoever it is you’re seeing — such a lovely thing! Maybe it’s time to start awakening to your most fabulous features, too, & to start being gentle with yourself, regardless of the situation. Think of yourself as a new lover. Think about how supportive & sweet you would be if your new squeeze was going through a hard time, & then make an effort to extend that kind of love & grace to yourself.

Come on, now. Be good to you. If you won’t, who will?

Listen to yourself
Relationships often involve a lot of listening, especially as you’re getting to know the object of your affections. I know you’re thinking, ‘This is all well & good, but if it’s just me, what do I have to listen to?!’

The answer is that you need to start listening to yourself. Your actual, true, authentic, genuine, uncensored self. That voice which tells you whether you should do this or that. Not the rational, logical voice which takes over when we’re trying to convince ourselves of something, but the voice that speaks from a place of instinct & intuition.

It’s amazing, you know. We each have all the answers we need inside us at all times. We may think we need to ask other people, or read a book, or ask Google, but really, when it comes to what we should do about a given situation, we already know. Sometimes I like to remind myself of this by visualising my belly as a little all-encompassing galaxy, swirling with stars & question marks & answers & big, blinking exclamation points.

So make an effort to listen to your intuition. When it flashes at you — & it does, several times a day! — start paying attention. Do what it tells you, & see if it improves your life. (It will!)

Learn to compromise
This goes hand-in-hand with the point I made under ‘Court yourself’, which is about being good to yourself. That means that if you have a massive work-load but you’re exhausted & sick, you need to learn to put yourself (& your health) first. Similarly, if you’re feeling depressed & withdrawn but your friends have invited you to go out, you should probably accept their invitation. It’s all about doing what will make you feel better in the long-run.

Take sweet pictures
Yes! Romantic relics! A good photobooth strip is worth a lot. While normally you would pile into a photobooth with your beloved, have a smooch & wait for the photos to come out the other side, this time you have to go it alone. But don’t be afraid! Taking photos alone is funnnn! Dress up, blow kisses into the camera, dance around, pull silly faces, & when you’re done, put the pictures somewhere prominent so you can remind yourself how gorgeous you are on a regular basis!

Go out on dates
The best thing about romancing yourself is that you can go on dates that no one else could ever possibly understand. Want to check out the train museum, spend hours in the bakery supply store, stare at skateboards or attend a seminar on podiatry? You can, & you don’t have to convince anyone else to go along with you! Get dressed up, take yourself out & have a damn good time.

Buy yourself flowers, too. They’re an important part of the process.

Write yourself love letters
Love letters, or loved-up communique in general, is one of the best parts of being involved in a romance. It gives you something real, like a record of what’s happened, to hold, clutch to your chest, pore over obsessively (don’t tell me you haven’t done it!), & whatnot. Passionate letters are like the souvenirs of love.

If you’re having a summer romance with yourself, you might feel like this is just an arena of the lurve game you’re going to miss out on. But it doesn’t have to be that way! You can write yourself love letters — & they will probably ultimately have more meaning to you than anything someone else could write.

What kind of thing am I talking about? Well, they could range from a series of amorous haiku to something snappier, like, Hey Gala, I noticed your ass is looking mighty shapely these days. Kudos!

They don’t have to be enormous, long-winded, flowery pieces of prose — you can keep them short & sweet & have them be just as effective. Even a couple of sentences is better than nothing. Make it part of your regular routine, a daily ritual if you can. Write one on a Post It during your lunch break, scrawl some endearing words in your journal before bed, rearrange the letter magnets on the fridge… Do it however you like, just make sure it happens!

Those are my ideas. How will you romance yourself this season?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Gala's Guide To NYC Version 1.0

[ 22 July 2008, 20:52 ]

Here are some of my favourite things about New York City… just a few odds & ends I have discovered in my 3 months here. Hopefully, if you come to the city, this list will provide you with some jumping-off points & ideas to keep you busy! (Of course, there will be more to come when I actually live here… squeal! On that note, sorry if things are a little slow around here — I leave in less than a week & have a ‘to do’ list as long as my arm!)

Ultimate NYC resources
NY Magazine, Village Voice & Time Out New York should be your first online ports of call for finding things to do & events in the city. Craigslist is great for buying or selling furniture, finding a job or an apartment, or just spending hours on the missed connections pages! Yelp.com has saved my life — I don’t know how I would have ever found anything in New York without it. It’s a huge peer review site, where people talk about customer service in shops, food quality at restaurants, whether this or that cafe has wifi, & pretty much anything else you can think of. It is my holy grail. I love it. Another magnificent resource is HopStop, which will help you find your way from A to Z using public transport.

Best neighbourhood: West Village
Yes, I am totally biased, because this is where I stayed… but I adore it. It’s clean & quaint, as well as beautiful & charming, & while it isn’t party central (a total blessing when you’re trying to sleep), there are still plenty of people around — & places open — late at night. It’s the sort of area where, when you say where you live, people always tell you how fortunate you are. I really think it’s the cream of the crop, without the boredom factor of the Upper East Side & the geriatric factor of Gramercy Park (both lovely areas but, in my opinion, suffering from a chronic lack of charisma).

What’s the West Village like? Well, there’s a massive gay population, which means lots of same-sex couples holding hands & kissing in the middle of the street. It makes me very happy & is a definite perk of living here. There are also way, wayyy more sex shops than you could ever possibly visit. There’s a little piazza just off 6th Avenue called Father Demo Square with a fountain in the middle, surrounded by flowers. At about 4pm, this odd man rolls his piano into the middle of the square — I have no idea where he comes from — & plays songs until about 11 at night. People flock to the square with their slices of pizza, hot dogs, bagels or boxes of noodles, sit on the seats & soak up the atmosphere. It’s one of my favourite places in the village.

One of the best things, though, seems minor but really isn’t. The West Village doesn’t appear to suffer from the same olfactory injustices as many other neighbourhoods. You see, a lot of people have the unfortunate belief that New York City is their personal bathroom, which can get pretty disgusting in summer. The West Village, however, for the most part, is delightfully non-pee-scented. Celebrate good times come on!

Essential accommodation asset: Double-glazing
If you’re living on or near a busy street, which, let’s face it, is pretty likely, double-glazed windows will make you a very happy camper. The owners of the place I’m in told me it has double-glazing, but even so, it gets pretty loud in here. Thankfully, I can sleep through anything, but if you can’t, make sure you check it out before you rent it. Don’t just take what they say at face value — actually stand there & listen. Cabs in NYC have absolutely no regard for the sanctity of sleep, & will blare their horns at 3am if they feel the need. You may want to invest in earplugs.

Best way to find a home: Craigslist
The place I am staying in at the moment — which I love & think is gorgeous — is the first place I looked at from Craigslist. Even better, they offered it to me straight off the bat. Pretty good, huh? You can find beautiful places to live on Craigslist. Don’t believe what brokers may tell you about Craigslist being full of scams — they just want you to use their service & pay them a fat commission! — but as with most things in NYC, you have to do the legwork & act quickly.

Hip tourist accessory: NYC Moleskine
(Yes, hip tourist accessories exist!) I love my city Moleskine & carried it around constantly for the first couple of weeks I was here. It’s packed with maps in the front & is great for getting to know the lay of the land. It just looks like a notebook, so you can pretend that you’re deep in thought, composing a sonnet — not trying to work out how to get to Barney’s! It’s so much better than dawdling on a street corner with an enormous map, a baseball cap & white sneakers — there’s nothing cool about that!

Best make-up artist: Regan at MAC Flatiron
You’ve all heard me talk about him before… Regan is the boy wonder who did my make-up for the Patricia Field & Louis Vuitton parties, & to whom I am eternally grateful! He knows what he is doing — he did Richie Rich’s make-up for the MAC/Heatherette launch — & he listens to what you say & will take steps to make sure it looks the way you like it. I cannot recommend him highly enough, I adore him! So go, flee, & let him turn you into a masterpiece!

Best tanning experience: Tamar at Gotham Glow
It’s not every day that a woman strolls into your living room, puts up a tent & then sprays your naked body with an airbrush, but given how good it looks, I almost wish it was! She uses a solution made of beets, brown sugar & DHA which gives you plenty of colour but won’t stain the bedsheets. It’s easy to see why she has a slew of celebrity clients — she puts you totally at ease, she uses an awesome muscle-enhancing technique (which makes you look f-a-b-u-l-o-u-s) & she is in & out of your place in less than 30 minutes. Perfect.

Best tattoo artist: Tim Kern at Tribulation Tattoo
Yes, I am totally biased because he has made my arms look beautiful, but surely that’s the point! Tim works out of Tribulation Tattoo in the East Village (directly opposite a church — awesome, right?), a little red shop made up of three artists. This is not one of those places where you walk in, choose something off the wall & walk out again an hour later with a demented-looking Tweety bird on your shoulder. They only do custom work, which of course means you end up with something amazing & unique. I am completely delighted with all the work Tim has done for me, & after watching him fix up an unsatisfying tattoo by someone in New Zealand, I am also totally devoted! I’ve learned my lesson! I will never go anywhere else!

Best shoe department: Bergdorf Goodman
Expensive? Why, yes! But the range — & the service — cannot be surpassed. Their sale area blows my mind & they are never slow to approach & ask if they can help me with anything. Honestly, I just love Bergdorfs & I am happy to give them all my shoe business for as long as I am in New York. I think all their sales staff are great, but I especially like Thomas — he has an afro, wears glasses, & has his entire back tattooed. He’s also got style & charm for days!

Most valued possession: Foot bath
This city’s made for walking, & that’s just what you’ll do… One of these days this city’s gonna walk all over you. No joke, people walk like mad here. Yeah, the subway is cheap & convenient, & so are cabs, but New York is so fabulous that often you’ll want to be on the street. Or you’ll look at something on a map & think, ‘Oh, it’s not so far!’ Wrong! It is always further than you expect! An estimated 10 minute walk is usually somewhere closer to 20 or 25 minutes, & if you’re not wearing the right shoes, you will suffer! I cannot tell you the number of times I have dragged myself home & had to lie down just to give my feet a rest. I think the ultimate solution to this is a foot bath. One of those vibrating ones. You can buy them for nothing at Duane Reede, & it will make you feel like a new person.

Best place for froofy dresses: Geminola
Notice that I didn’t say cheap froofy dresses… but then, beautiful, frothy, sugar-flower-hued dresses often aren’t. If you have a bit of cash & you want something utterly cupcakey & delightful, Geminola is the place for you. It’s a small shop with some pieces from various designers, but mostly what goes on there is vintage dress mania. The owner takes things from all around the world — a piece of ribbon from Paris, a crinoline from Tennessee, some lace from London — & puts them together to make something utterly unique & exquisitely beautiful. To give you an idea: do you remember the dress Carrie is wearing in the last episode of Sex & The City, where she’s crouching on the floor of the hotel lobby, trying to find something? That dress came from Geminola. So now you know. (You should go there.)

Best pizza: Joe’s Pizza
My closest two pizza places are Joe’s Pizza & Bleecker Street Pizza. Both places have been given ample awards, but I think Joe’s is the best. Their pizza is truly awesome. I adore it. I went through a phase of eating two pieces a day for at least one consecutive week. Yum. While neither joint offers exceptional customer service, the creepy old guy at Bleecker Street looks like he is undressing you with his eyes, while the younger guys at Joe’s instead treat you with terminal indifference. I prefer the latter. The older guy at Joe’s, however, winks at me, calls me “beautiful” & offered to give me a job there so I could stay in the country, so I know where my alliances lie! I’m not silly!

It’s incredibly greasy, but hey, you’re not eating this stuff for your health! If you’ve never eaten New York pizza before, know this: they sell it to you in enormous slices on paper plates. Grab some napkins. The standard way of eating it is to fold it in half across the crust. Tip it backwards so that the excess grease drips off onto your plate… & enjoy!

Best cupcakes: Sugar Sweet Sunshine
I have done the leg-work. Oh yes. New York’s cupcake bakeries have had me on my knees for months now. I have sampled cupcakes from Magnolia (word to the wise: don’t do it), Buttercup, Crumbs, Billy’s Bakery & Sugar Sweet Sunshine, small vegan cafes & markets, as well as eating way, way too many at the annual Cupcakes Take The Cake picnic in Central Park a month or so ago. But I know where the best cupcakes are. Yes, I do. Sugar Sweet Sunshine. Okay, so I don’t like the name. I don’t like the location much, either — it is a pretty decent walk from my place, often a walk I can’t really be bothered making. But their cupcakes… oh their cupcakes… they draw me back. Seriously, their cupcakes are brilliant. They are also — in a shocking twist of fate — cheap. When I bought five (haha, yes, really) & the girl on the other side of the counter said “Seven dollars”, I thought I had misheard her. But I had not. I recommend their Red Velvet (awesomely good), Ooey Gooey & Lemon Yummy. Writing this has made me hungry, maybe I will have to swing by later! Dear Sugar Sweet Sunshine, I love you, always forever! Ahhhh!

Best raw food treats: Pure Juice & Takeaway
Pure Food & Takeaway is a teeny little shop attached to the back of the famous Pure Food & Wine, a huge gourmet raw food restaurant. It’s an incredible place to grab a salad or a juice, snack on a raw mallomar (one of my favourites) or, even better, buy an enormous tub of raw ice-cream & devour it in one sitting. (I like the almond butter cup flavour, if you’re interested.) You also meet the coolest people standing on line. Raw guru & speaker, Matt Monarch, was in front of me the other week — we hugged & talked about a mutual friend — & it’s also where I met my friend Ise, stylist to the stars. Yay!

Best greasy vegetarian food: Red Bamboo
What can I say, other than “yum”? Nubby & I went here for an amazing meal which has completely kept me going back for more. Their roti bread is out of this world & their selection of fake meats & incredible soy concoctions is truly formidable (said in French accent please!). It is cheap & delicious & the staff are super-friendly. We liked it so much that we want them to cater our wedding! (P.S. If Red Bamboo is packed out, go down a couple of doors to Vegetarian Paradise. They share the same kitchen!)

Best coffee: Joe – The Art Of Coffee
Good coffee. Cute staff. Sometimes Amy Sedaris bakes cupcakes & sells them here. It’s small but charming & a local haunt of many writers (or so it seems). I was introduced to this place by No Impact Man, for which I am eternally grateful.

Best place for a midnight snack: French Roast
My friend Ise introduced me to this place after a very long evening in Brooklyn. We showed up at about 4am, ate amazing sandwiches & shared a bowl of fries. (We were also faux-seduced by one of the best magicians I have ever seen.) I have since been back several times, always after midnight. Did you know you can order escargot around the clock? Well, you can. French Roast is fantastic — it’s open 24 hours, the decor is totally European bistro style, the lighting is dim & flattering & they are more than happy to feed you & your friends whatever you might feel like at 2am. The coffee is excellent, & Nubby says their french toast is out of this world, too.

Best place to go for a decadent night out: The Box
The Box is one of my absolute, hands down favourite places in New York City. It is amazing, & even though I’ve been way more than anyone needs to (I think I’ve seen four or five shows in two months), I still adore it & it still makes me coo, my jaw drop & my eyes bug out every time. What happens there? Well, it’s a variety show… a raunchy variety show that will have you by turns delighted & appalled. It’s good for the soul, I think. I recommend the late show — it is more exciting & raucous than the dinner show (which is still, of course, wonderful). If you need any further encouragement, do you remember the episode of Gossip Girl where Blair strips on the stage of a burlesque club, to be later ravaged by Chuck in his limousine? That was shot at The Box.

Best high-end sex store: Kiki de Montparnasse
Hot pink duct tape? Pearl restraints? 24k gold handcuffs? Black leather elbow-length fingerless gloves? Cute underpants printed with lewd French phrases? Oh, Kiki… my heart. Oh Kiki, you have outdone yourself. I love you even more than Agent Provocateur (which is quite a lot). Now, of course, there are a lot of high-end erotic shops selling toys & equipment these days, & many of them do it very well. But while Babeland & its ilk make sex fun, friendly & approachable, Kiki de Montparnasse actually makes sex sexy. There are no fluorescent lights or invitations to eager self-exploratory g-spot workshops here. No, this is a very different beast.

The boutique is dark & smells delicious. The girls in the shop — who tend to be on the gorgeous side — aren’t wearing much, but they look sultry & hot & minxy, like the kind of girls who might just close the shop early & pull you onto the bed at the back of the shop with little warning. The items they sell, which are really more objets d’art than anything else, are laid out with the attention they deserve (& honestly, at these prices, one would hope as much). Their lingerie is amazing, I adore pretty much all of it. It’s a bit edgier than what you’ll find down the road at Agent Provocateur, & much more appealing.

Best thing to find: A rooftop
Yeah, of course, a rooftop in any city is pretty great. I am an ardent fan of the rooftop scene in Melbourne, for example. But New York rooftops are a totally different kettle of fish. I can’t really explain it, but they are basically the best thing ever. My rooftop gives me a lot of joy. If you don’t have a rooftop on your building that you can access, start asking the people you meet. Someone will have one, I promise, & then all you need to do is go up there, take your sunglasses & some drinks, & enjoy yourself. Bliss.

Best view of Manhattan: The Brooklyn Bridge
Drive it, walk it, catch a train across it — it doesn’t matter, just do it. Preferably at night, or at the very least, sunset. The view is exhilirating. Every time I see it, I get really excited!

Having said all this, here are some things to avoid:
Catching a cab from about 9pm on Thursday night (it’s impossible); leaving food around or in a bin without a lid on it (remember: the rats & cockroaches were here first!); expecting exceptional customer service at Duane Reede or CVS (it’s never going to happen); shopping on the weekend (NYC is always busy but the weekend is particularly painful); the Hard Rock Cafe (I shouldn’t have to tell you but just in case, don’t even go for irony’s sake!); Times Square (go once, & never again), & opening your mouth if you feel rain droplets (it is probably an air-conditioning unit above you, dripping!).

So, what are your favourite things to do in NYC? Spill the beans!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Be More Assertive

[ 15 July 2008, 08:33 ]

“I was hoping you could write an article on how to be assertive. I am neither shy nor aggressive, but I have such a hard time standing up to people I feel inferior to. For example, my landlord is being just dreadful to my house-mates and I, and is trying to make us pay for things we did not damage! I want to stand up to him but it’s difficult, I’ve always been taught to be respectful to those older then me. How do I muster up the courage to be assertive in this, and any situation?”

It’s so funny how the things we’re taught at a young age, which were well-intended, can end up sabotaging us later in life. Of course, being respectful to everyone, fast food workers & emperors alike — not just people who were born earlier than we were — is important. But it’s important that we are respectful of ourselves, too. That means standing up for yourself, putting your foot down sometimes, & clearly communicating your wants, needs or concerns to other people.

A lot of us find it difficult to do that. We don’t want to put other people out. We don’t want to be difficult or annoying or to be a bother. But the flip side of that is that by neglecting our own needs, we are making a very clear statement: that we don’t think we’re very important. Doing this is like wearing a sign around your neck that says “Kick Me”. It’s totally self-defeating, & you don’t need that!

So how can you present yourself in a more assertive manner? It’s not as tricky as you might think — you just need to make some subtle changes to the way you do things. Here are a few hints to get you started!

Avoid posing statements as questions
I think this is one of the major ways in which we give away our power, & often we don’t even notice! Many of us turn what would otherwise be a simple statement into a question just by letting our voice rise up at the end of the sentence. This is known technically as a high-rising terminal (or HRT) in linguistics, & informally as the “Australian Question Intonation” (thanks, Stephen Fry!). While there is some debate as to how to decode this manner of speaking, mostly people perceive it as coming from a place of uncertainty & nervousness. It’s something people’s voices do when they are unsure of themselves & seeking approval. Conversely, a falling intonation — where the pitch of your voice drops towards the end of the sentence — is much more assertive.

All you need to do is become more aware of your speech patterns. Actually listen to what you’re saying when you speak to other people, & you’ll get the picture quickly! Don’t feel bad if you realise that you rock the HRT with gay abandon! You just need to make an effort to keep your pitch level, or to drop it when it’s more appropriate.

Don’t apologise unless you’re actually sorry!
It seems like such a little thing, but the words we choose say much more about us than we might first think. How often do you say “sorry” when you don’t actually mean it? Do you say “sorry” when you really mean “excuse me” or “no”? If so, start saying what you actually mean! Saying sorry is essentially a way of accepting blame for something — it sets you up to be submissive. Not cool!

Another time where people apologise when they don’t need to is when they disagree with someone. If someone says something that you think is rubbish, & you say, “I’m sorry, but I disagree, because _____”, you are effectively apologising for having independent thought. You may feel like you’re just being polite, but you’re not. You’re talking yourself down, & you don’t need to do that. Ever.

This point goes for when you turn someone or something down, too. You are entitled to making your own choices, & you don’t have to apologise for them! Don’t apologise unnecessarily! If whoever you’re talking to takes issue with your decision, that’s okay! They’re allowed! Let them stew in their own juices! Not your problem!

Let your statements stand on their own
You don’t need approval from other people to say what you feel or believe, so drop the addendums which infer that you do! That means nixing all those little things you tack on to the end of sentences. Some choice examples include, “...Don’t you think?”, “...Do you know what I mean?”, & “...Eh?”

Disavow disclaimers!
You’re not a packet of pills, so quit making disclaimers! They promptly discredit everything you’re about to say, even before you say it! You might as well not say anything! This means that if you normally preface your statements with phrases like, “Well, it’s just my opinion, but…”, you need to nip it in the bud. I mean it!

Don’t allow people to interrupt you
Most people who interrupt others aren’t trying to be rude, they’re just enthusiastically trying to get their point across. It’s pretty cute, when you think about it. Having said that, it’s still annoying & after a while, you’ll start to feel as if your point of view isn’t important to them at all. When you get to that point, you begin to wonder whether it is worth having a conversation with them at all. They seem pretty happy with their monologue…

Of course, the solution lies within you. We can’t change other people, we can only change ourselves — so that means you need to take responsibility for getting your point across. If they start to gab over the top of you, say, “I’m not finished”, or if that sounds too brusque, try, “Whoah there Nelly!”. If they still use their tongue to trample all over you, you might find more peace of mind with your headphones on.

Watch your body language
You’ve already heard it a gazillion times before, so I won’t labour the point too much, but your body language is supremely important in presenting yourself assertively. People look at you, the way you stand, the way you walk & the way you sit, & draw conclusions about you. Do you hunch over or do you sit up straight? Do you shuffle along with your eyes on the pavement or do you strut like you own the sidewalk? The images projected by the above behaviour are so obvious I don’t even need to tell you which one belongs to the confident person!

As well as the usual things like sitting up straight & walking with purpose, there are a few other things you can do to help promote your new image. Sometimes when we feel awkward we find ourselves smiling a lot. Smiling is wonderful, of course, but only when it’s genuine! Excessive smiling is often something we do unconsciously to help whoever we are with feel more at ease or in control. The same goes for nodding, tilting your head or looking away when someone makes eye contact with you. It’s one thing to be empathic, but it’s another to yield to someone else. When do you these things a lot, you are placing yourself in a position of lesser power.

You might like to try giving each one of these behaviours the flick one at a time, though I think you’ll find that as you practice the other suggestions in this article, your body language will fall in step with your new assertive mode of operation pretty quickly!

Come up with a script
Conflict can be tough, especially if it’s something you go out of your way to avoid. Most people are relatively non-confrontational, but when you start to shy away from conflict at the cost of your own satisfaction, you know you’re taking it too far.

If conflict is unfamiliar to you, & you feel really weird about saying what you want, there is a very simple formula you can use to get your point across. You might feel a bit strange & robotic & uncomfortable talking like this at first, but after a bit of practice you’ll get better & it will start to come to you more naturally. The script goes like this.

“When you (behaviour), I feel (emotion), & (desired resolution).”

So to translate that into real life, it might go something along the lines of…

“When you leave your underpants on the floor, I feel aggravated, & I’d like you to start putting them in the laundry basket.”

Not so hard! (Hopefully underpants on the floor is not a problem you have. It’s an unfortunate one!)

The reason we say, “I feel” is because that means that we are taking responsibility for our emotions, rather than blaming someone else. While it would be easy to fly off the handle & start calling names, it’s not a good way to resolve a problem. No one responds well to having their flaws rattled off in a long list, so don’t go there! Stating your desired outcome is an important part of the script, too, because otherwise, what is the other person supposed to do about it? Without this step, it would be very easy to just go around in circles & never get anywhere.

Persevere
One thing you may notice when you start acting more assertively is that people who have previously banked on you being passive might not like it. As a general rule, people like their lives to stay pretty much the same, & if all of a sudden you start asking for what you want & not taking any guff, that can be a bit of a shock to the system. If you find yourself getting negative feedback from people about your new way of behaving, do your best to recognise that it is their problem, not yours. You may find you need to cut them out of your life altogether. This can be hard, but it’s always worth it.

On being assertive: “I have the right to state my own needs & to set my own priorities as a person, independent of any roles that I may assume in my life. I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable & equal human being. I have the right to express my feelings. I have the right to express my opinions & values. I have the right to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ for myself. I have the right to make mistakes. I have the right to change my mind. I have the right to say that I don’t understand. I have the right to ask for what I want. I have the right to decline responsibility for other people’s problems. I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for approval. Other people have the right to all of the above.” (From here.)

Extra For Experts:
Five Compelling Reasons To Become More Assertive at The Positivity Blog has a good little quiz you can take to check how passive, assertive or aggressive your behaviour is.
Take a free online assertion class!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Be A Leader

[ 8 July 2008, 09:08 ]

When you think of a leader, who springs to mind? The CEO of your company? John F. Kennedy? The woman who heads up your book-club? Your friend who always organise your group’s social activities? All of these people lead others in some way or another. That’s the thing: leadership comes in many different forms.

Even if the idea of growing up to be a corporate big-wig is the sort of thing which has you waking up in a cold sweat, sometimes a leadership role is one you will have to assume unexpectedly, at the last moment. You never know when you’ll be asked to step up to the plate, & for this reason, having a few core leadership skills will always serve you magnificently.

So, what are the essential elements of leadership? What skills & assets do you need in order to steer a group of people in one direction or the other?

Have a vision
If a vision is difficult for you to come up with, at the very least you need to have a set of ideals or beliefs that are important to you. When you look at great leaders from history — Martin Luther King Jr, Gandhi, Winston Churchill — you realise that one thing they all had in common was a very strong devotion to a specific cause.

You will need to have something similar. It doesn’t matter what your vision is. It could be about constructing a Utopian society, introducing a new form of recycling, devotion to real sex education in schools, free cupcakes for everyone on Fridays or compulsory comfort tests for stiletto manufacturers. Really, it’s up to you. The only “rule” as such is that you have to believe in it. It has to be real to you. It has to be something that you think is worth fighting for.

Don’t worry if you don’t know how to make your vision come to life. The human brain is a marvellous thing, capable of solving incredibly complicated problems while we, its humble owners, sleep peacefully. You’ll get there. The first step, & it’s a critical one, is just to have a vision.

“Absolute identity with one’s cause is the first and great condition of successful leadership.” — Woodrow Wilson

Be prepared to make tough decisions
Being a leader means the onus is on you. As a leader, you’re the person who has to make the difficult choices — there is no one else to shift the blame to. You’re at the top of the chain of command, so you can’t make excuses or wriggle out of responsibility, no matter how much you may want to!

Sometimes that means you have to fire or demote a friend, start saying “no” when “yes” would be much easier, or set out a new moral code. People don’t always take kindly to the person making these decisions. That can be unpleasant — no one wants to be disliked. Unfortunately, sometimes to make steps in the right direction, you have to be the bad guy.

Being a leader often means saying or doing what is unpopular — & sometimes, carving out your own path alone until you find other people who agree with you. This can sometimes seem like a heavy burden, & it can certainly be hard work, but ultimately it is what is needed to implement real change.

“The art of leadership is saying no, not yes. It is very easy to say yes.” — Tony Blair

Set an example
Let me put this to you plainly. If you tell everyone else that they should live the life of their dreams, but in secret all you really do is sit on your couch eating potato chips, you’re not setting a good example! It’s important to be inspiring, & the best way to do that is to practice what you preach! After all, if it isn’t good enough for you, why would your intended audience bother?

You need to be a living, breathing embodiment of your ideals. The idea is to hold yourself up as a shining light, so that you can show others the way. That’s just it: it’s not enough to tell people what they should be doing, you need to actually show them, so they have someone to look to. Even your most ardent followers will fall off the wagon sometimes — & if all they have to do to get re-inspired is observe you, you’re making everyone’s lives easier.

Another reason that setting an example is important is that it will help gain you respect from your intended audience.

There are many ways that you can help generate respect for yourself, aside from making sure that you walk the walk as well as talking the talk. When you are establishing yourself as a leader, it’s important to act with integrity. You will have to decide what that means for you, because everyone, & everyone’s situations, are entirely different. Sometimes that means being transparent. Sometimes it means saying no (see above!) to someone who would like you to compromise your ideals. You will have to make your own decisions about this, but if you’re not sure, consider whether you’d want it splashed across the front page of the newspaper. Then act accordingly!

“We can’t drive our SUVs & eat as much as we want & keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times… & then just expect that other countries are going to say OK. That’s not leadership. That’s not going to happen.” — Barack Obama

Understand people
Having empathy for other people & the skills to communicate with them are two extremely important assets in any kind of leadership role. After all, usually as a leader, you are speaking for people — giving a voice to people who have none, or at least, no way to get heard. In order to do that, of course you need to get to know them!

There’s a reason why politicians go on the campaign trail. You have to get out & mix & mingle with the people so that they feel like you actually care about them. After all, who are you going to feel more positively about? Some chump in an office miles away, twiddling his thumbs, or a guy you’ve spoken to, who has kissed your baby & wished you well? The pure number of photographs of politicians smooching newborn children should give you the answer!

If you feel like you’re not that great with people — if, for example, you mostly just find them pretty irritating, or you’re not so hot at making pleasant chit-chat — you might like to work on that. Your local bookstore is an excellent resource. Pick up copies of How To Win Friends & Influence People & Please Understand Me, then take them home & devour them eagerly. You will learn a lot about other people’s personal psychology through these books, & if you’re hungry for more, take a peek at this.

The better your understanding of people, the easier you will find it to grasp their motivations & desires, which in turn will make it easier to work out how to get them to do what you want! Sneaky, huh?! It will also give you a much better picture of what you’re trying to achieve. Because it’s not just you, it’s you & your army. You need to incorporate them into your vision, & if you’re not a “people person”, you may find this hard to do.

Of course, theoretical knowledge is no good without actually putting it into practice. Make an effort to translate what you’ve learned into real-world experience. You might like to journal your experiences — you’ll find this a very valuable way of charting your growth, as well as learning what works & what doesn’t!

“The best leaders are always asking, “What should we do? Where should we be headed?” It’s a great way to communicate trust. People who make great leaders — the kind of leaders who, if they leave a company, others will jump ship to follow — are those who say, “Tell me what’s on your mind. Give me whatever you’ve got.” They’re open to learning, and they’re always looking for ways to learn. They never think they know everything there is to know. And they’re right.” (Do You Have What It Takes To Be A Great Leader? Fortune.)

Persevere
One of the reasons for having a strong vision — aside from the fact that it helps you steer in one direction or another — is that it will keep you going, even when times are tricky. If your vision is weak or non-existent, as soon as you hit a bump, you might just be tempted to retire to your boudoir & watch The Wizard Of Oz 23 times in a row while eating cheese out of a can (or something equally horrific).

Perseverance is an incredibly important quality for a leader. You need to have more tenacity, gumption & vim than anyone else on your team. If you give up, what do you think your supporters will do? (Yeah, you can probably guess.) You need to be prepared to keep pushing, even when the road ahead looks hard, & challenges start to appear in the distance — which will happen, make no mistake about it.

I mean, Martin Luther King Jr’s famous ‘I Have A Dream’ speech didn’t go, “Let freedom ring… & if not, no biggie”! There is a reason for this!

Another great quality many leaders have is that they welcome obstacles. It is often said that leaders are made by the way they deal with problems. While obstacles can make us groan & roll our eyes, it can help to view the overcoming of said obstacle as a huge step forward. Not to mention, the success of kicking your obstacle’s ass will give you further grit, determination & excitement to boot the next one to the curb!

Honestly, though, if it was easy, everyone would be doing it. That’s what makes you so brilliant, baby!

“Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable… Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, & struggle; the tireless exertions & passionate concern of dedicated individuals.” — Martin Luther King Jr.

“If you’re trying to achieve, there will be roadblocks. I’ve had them; everybody has had them. But obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around & give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.” — Michael Jordan

Be positive
How many leaders do you know that eventually hit a wall, throw up their hands & yell for mercy? That’s right — in the words of Scribe, a New Zealand rapper, “not many, if any”.

A real leader keeps their chin up even when the outlook is a bit misty — or downright stormy. While that might sound tricky, it really comes from their own very strong beliefs that they are doing what is right, & what is necessary. Crusading for bulldog clips in a range of pastel colours is the sort of thing you could probably let slide, but working for justice, racial equality, truth, love or beauty? Pshhhaw. If it means anything to you, you’re not just going to give up on it.

This is not to say that great leaders are never defeated, because sometimes things don’t go to plan. But the point is that they get back up again & keep fighting!

“There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.” — W. Clement Stone

So, how can you practice leadership? It’s easier than you might think. All of the attributes of being a leader, as listed above, are things you can start implementing in your life, even if you are a hermit in a cave. Make an effort to be positive. Have a vision for yourself. Start to welcome challenges & congratulate yourself when you overcome them. Leader or no, all of these things will set you up for massive success.

The next thing you might like to try is volunteering yourself for small leadership roles. Put your hand up for the position of captain of your club, offer to lead a project at work, start organising social events for you & your friends, boss your boyfriend around in bed! (Blush!) Taking charge in these small ways will challenge you while simultaneously helping to build up your confidence in your own abilities.

It might seem like a long way from there to Napoleon, but the more you practice your leadership skills, the closer you’ll get. Silly hat entirely optional, of course!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Give The Best Compliment Ever

[ 1 July 2008, 11:56 ]

“I keep finding myself in positions where I’d really like to compliment someone but am afraid of coming across as creepy, sycophantic, patronising, and/or a thousand other awful things, and it’s annoying me. What do you think are the rules, if any, of giving compliments? What sort of things do you love to hear from others, and what sort make you cringe? (Advice on how to graciously receive compliments would be very much appreciated as well.)”

First of all, kudos for your urge to praise others! I think that says very good things about you.

Let’s face it, everyone loves a compliment. Even if we are shy, insecure or suspicious of someone’s motives, it still works. It makes us smile. We feel good about ourselves. It’s a lovely thing.

Giving a compliment is simple in theory: you just open your mouth & say something positive! But sometimes we second-guess ourselves, worry about what other people will think, doubt our own authenticity & get into a panic. It’s no fun to get into a flap over something which is so charming, harmless & sweet!

Here are a few tips to get you on your way!

Be sincere
The number one thing that will trip up your attempts at giving a compliment is lack of sincerity! But really, think about it. Why would you say something unless you meant it, anyway? Sincerity is a fine thing, & people will respect you for it.

I used to go to school with a girl who would flash you a big smile & then as soon as your back was turned, she would flick her smile off. It was all for show. It made me dislike & distrust her. It’s all about being sincere. Giving faux-compliments, like the fake smile, is a social fumble of the highest order. People will know! Don’t think they won’t! If you want to be seen as a genuine person — & most of us do — you need to be real!

What does this really mean? It means don’t lie. It means don’t just say something because you think your friend wants to hear it. & don’t give a compliment if underneath it all you have an ulterior motive! Telling every girl in the room that she’s “hot” just because you don’t want to go home alone isn’t kosher.

Your compliment will go over best if people feel like you’re just saying it because it’s true, & that it’s coming from a place of honesty, truth & love. It’s always better to give fewer, more sincere compliments than to spread them thick like peanut butter & without integrity.

Think about what you’re saying
When it comes to giving a compliment, think back on the compliments you have received which actually meant something to you. Often, as women, these comments come from the opposite sex (for whatever reason). So cast your mind back. What has more of an impact — “You’re hot” or “You have beautiful eyes”? How about “You look nice” versus “You have legs for miles”?

Of course, any kind of compliment is wonderful to receive. But if you really want someone to remember it (& you) fondly, it’s best to put a little bit of thought into it. In the above examples, my vote goes to the two latter compliments. Why? Well, because whoever said it actually thought about it. It’s not just a platitude — they gave it some consideration before they said it.

But this cuts both ways. Let’s say you’ve just met this cute girl whose best feature — in your opinion — is her adorable nose. What would you say to her? While your first impulse might just be to blurt out, “Nice schnozz!”, curb your enthusiasm! A seemingly random compliment with little to no context can be confusing & sometimes unintentionally offensive. What if said cute girl has a complex about her nose? She might think you’re being sarcastic or making fun of her, & that is not going to go over well at all! However, if you take a second, think about it, breathe, & then say, “Your nose is utterly kissable”, you’ll find her response is probably a lot more positive!

Make it mostly about them, but a little bit about you
What the hell does that mean? Does that mean giving a compliment quickly as an excuse to prattle on about yourself for an hour? No! It means talk about them, but give a bit of yourself away too. Make yourself vulnerable. Invite them in to your life.

An example? “You’re a good writer” is a standard compliment. It’s flattering, but not ground-shaking. “Your writing has changed my life” is totally different. The recipient of the comment will be shocked, thrilled, delighted — & they will want to know more. You can start having a real conversation where you both reveal things about yourselves, & isn’t that the ultimate goal? To allow the relationship to blossom & unfurl in a more deeply meaningful way?

Don’t be too obvious
If you met them, you might be tempted to compliment Pamela Anderson on her enhanced mammaries, praise Robin Williams for being so hilarious, or congratulate Donald Trump for his success. These things are obvious, so of course they would be the first things to pop into your head. But if you give it a moment, you’ll realise that these people have heard all that before. Pamela knows she is the bouncing babe from Baywatch. Robin is aware that he’s funny. & Donald is very cognizant that he is a wealthy man.

If you want to stand out or make any kind of impact on them, you need to say something else. Something different. Make it easy for them — what can they realistically say when you tell them something about themselves that they already know?

So do a bit of research. Give it some thought. A trivial amount of searching reveals the fact that Pamela Anderson is a tireless crusader for animal rights, while Robin Williams is obsessed (obsessed!) with video games & cycling. & you may not know it, but Donald Trump is strongly opposed to the war (&, uh, Rosie O’Donnell!). If you can engage someone in conversation on one of their passionate — but less obvious — causes, you have got it made.

The more you do it, the easier it becomes
As with anything, the more you do it, the less terrifying it becomes. Imagine one day being able to graciously compliment people on the fly! It could be you!

The thing is, it’s really not that difficult. It’s trivial to smile at someone & tell them you like their shoes, praise them for their choice of headwear or compliment them on how well-mannered their dog is. They will smile, you will feel good about yourself, & who knows? It could be the beginning of a marvellous relationship.

One of my most invigorating experiences in NYC so far was when I was sitting down in a raw food restaurant, eating. A girl sat near me & told me she loved my tattoos. We got talking, & it turns out she is a stylist & fashion editor for the likes of Vogue Russia & Harpers Bazaar. Since meeting in that restaurant, we have been to art parties in Brooklyn, cruised highways while talking about shoes & blown bubbles at passers-by in Times Square. It all started with a compliment, so don’t be afraid! It can take you to amazing places!

Realistically, most people, if complimented, will respond positively to you. The only reason why they wouldn’t would probably be if they were insecure, suspicious, bitter or had decided they didn’t like you! (What a pity for them!) If someone doesn’t accept a compliment from you, don’t sweat it. It’s their stuff — not yours!

Now, onto the much less complicated business of…

Take this quick & easy quiz to test your compliment-receiving skills!

Your friend says, “You have a lovely complexion.”
You reply…
A. “Oh, no I don’t, I hate my freckles…”
B. “Thank you!”

Your secret crush whispers, “You are a treasure in the shape of a girl.”
You respond…
A. “Haha, whatever! You must be blind.”
B. “Thanks!”

A fine-lookin’ stranger smiles before saying, “You are the most fabulously dressed person I have seen all week.”
You exclaim…
A. “Um… when’s the bus coming, again?”
B. “Thank you!”

You guessed it. Your answer should always be B. Even if you don’t believe them. Even if you don’t feel that it’s true. Even if you think they are delusional, mental, crazy! Just say THANK YOU. Who knows? One day, you might realise how amazing you really are…

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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2008 Trends & The Imaginary Girls Who Make Them Look Magical

[ 25 June 2008, 13:56 ]

Trend: Gold nail-polish
How? Slick your fingertips with Curry Up Don’t Be Late! by OPI. Play it up with gilded accoutrements that flash but don’t scream.

Candace swept into her international relations lecture at the last minute. As she set her handbag down with an unceremonious clunk, she took a long swig of water & surveyed the room. She stepped up to the lectern & cleared her throat. “Let me tell you what I know about post-positivist epistemology,” she said.

Trend: Harem pants
How? Pair with form-fitting tops & plenty of skin. Add fun accessories so you look more dapper than belly-dancer!

Minnie’s favourite thing to do after attending an environmental rally or a peace march was smile sweetly at shop-keepers while she shoplifted petty items — mints, lip gloss, key-rings. It helped keep the balance, she rationalised.

Trend: Prints
How? Try something bold, something which intimidates you a bit — & don’t be afraid to be “matchy-matchy”!

Jennifer loathed going to the dentist, so she wore her favourite cardigan & stuck her thumbs through the self-made holes in the sleeves. As she lay back in the chair, she tuned out the dentist’s incessant prattling & imagined diving for sunken treasure, naked.

Trend: Shirt dresses
How? Couple with natural fabrics for an immaculately crisp summer look. Add a slip in a plain colour to avoid unintentional exposure!

Xenia’s job at the museum made her pretty happy, but she would never admit that her favourite part of the day was sitting in the Egyptian room eating dumplings when everyone else had gone home.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: aesthetic, consumption, how to, inspiration, madame
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Loving A New City: Alone

[ 18 June 2008, 12:22 ]

I recently received two emails on very similar topics. Voilà!

“Since you’ve just made a temporary move, I was just wondering, how did you immediately feel so comfortable? It’s been over a month now and I still get so nervous adventuring by myself. Before the move to the city I had all these fantastic plans to take writing classes & yoga… and now that I’m here, it’s like, my body & mind won’t respond to my plans. I just want to know, when will I start feeling at home & how can I?”

“I was reading your blog last night and thinking how fabulous it was that you haven’t been in New York very long and you are by yourself, yet you aren’t letting that stop you from getting out and about and enjoying it. I once found myself in London by myself and was miserable and depressed because I didn’t know how to get out there and enjoy myself whilst being on my lonesome. Now I once again find myself in a new city all alone and am facing the same problem. How do you make friends and enjoy the culture and life of a city when you are all alone?”

I hear you! I know what it’s like to be in a city alone. It can suck. It’s fun for about a week, because everything is fresh & new — you can distract yourself by shopping, seeing the sights & getting lost, but by your second Monday, the gloss is starting to fade & you can find yourself at a bit of a loss.

A few years ago I went to Europe with my ex-boyfriend. We had a great time, but after a couple of weeks, he had to go back home for his job. I had quit my job to go overseas, so I wasn’t in any rush to go back to New Zealand, & my aunt who had an apartment in the middle of London said I could stay with her as long as I wanted to. So I stayed on while he went home, & after a few days of exploring Camden, going wild at Topshop & Miss Selfridge & eating ice-cream every day, it started to wear a bit thin. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I missed my boyfriend, I missed having my own space (I was camped out in the living room), I didn’t know anyone in town & I was just… bored. Idle. Adrift! I watched a lot of MTV, spent a bunch of time on the computer, & eventually decided to go home. It was the right thing to do, given how I felt, but I couldn’t help feeling as if, somehow, that wasn’t how it was meant to be.

Maybe it’s just London?! (Just kidding!)

I have changed a lot since then, & these days I would be much more inclined to push through the homesickness, difficult though it may be, & stay for as long as I wanted. I am also now more able to see opportunities for what they are, & my mindset is completely different. Rather than thinking, ‘Oh no, I’m having a terrible time here, maybe I should just go home’, these days I would probably think, ‘Eeesh, I’m having a rough day but it will be better tomorrow’.

I have been exceptionally fortunate on this trip to NYC, because as soon as I announced I was coming over, I started getting invitations to have lunch, go to dinner, have a shopping spree, camp on my friend’s girlfriend’s couch in Minnesota, etc.! A lot of this I attribute to the people I have met through this website. It’s quite common to strike up an online friendship with someone who you’ve linked to, or who emails you out of the blue.

Now, of course you don’t have to start a full-time blog to meet people, but most people who have been active in online communities for any length of time find that they strike up real friendships with the people they talk to. Then, if you travel, you can reach out to this bunch of people you already know, & see if they want to have coffee, or show you around their favourite museum, or go dancing. So perhaps the key is to get involved somewhere. Find a forum, start a Livejournal, sign up for Twitter, start publishing pictures of your life on Flickr. After all, it’s hard for people to be interested in you if they don’t know that you exist!

I really do think that when it comes to feeling alone in one place or another, it ultimately comes down to how much energy you’re putting out. Do you slink around feeling shy, hoping no one will talk to you, buried under a pair of headphones? Or do you strike up conversations with shop people, chat to women at the bus stop & flirt with the barista across the street from your hotel? While it can feel good to be a bit withdrawn & solitary in a new city — there’s almost nothing better than good music on your MP3 player when you’re walking exciting, unfamiliar streets — if that’s the way you behave all the time, it’s not unreasonable to assume that you’ll remain that way.

There is a girl called Sanna who runs The Vagabond Set. She is a photographer & the site revolves around her, living the party life, taking photos of good times. She travels to foreign cities, lives there for a few months, documents it & then flies somewhere else. It’s pretty interesting to watch. I was shocked while recently reading her blog where she said something like, “I didn’t go out tonight… for the first time in 7 years.” Incredible! Anyway, she did an interview a while ago where someone asked her how she knew so many people. I mean, how does a girl move to Japan & have an instant social circle? She said that the key was to strike up at least 5 conversations a week.

I have found, since being in NYC, that as soon as people hear my accent, they ask me whether I’m living here or on holiday. I am not really sure what to say, so I tend to say “A bit of both”, but here’s the thing. Most people want you to enjoy their city. They want you to like it, to have a good time, & many of them are happy to be a bit of an ambassador. So maybe something to try, next time you’re in a shop talking to a cool sales assistant, is to say that you’re new in town, & ask them what they’d recommend you do. Often they will tell you about a great bar, or invite you to a party, or say, “Well, my friend’s having this thing on Friday…” Then all that’s left to do is accept the invitation & actually go along!

Another thing to remember is that even though the first person you meet might not totally push your buttons, their best friend might turn out to be the most fascinating person you’ve met in years. Or their father’s friend might be able to offer you the job of a lifetime. Or you might just meet someone through them who also harbours a secret obsession for Buffy/My Little Pony fanfic. Do your best not to write people off straight away — give them a chance, allow them to surprise you!

Of course, the most important thing about feeling like you belong in a place is to do your very best to remain open to new experiences. Fabulous things happen to people who are open, alert & alive. If you receive a random invitation, don’t just say no because you’re socially anxious or unsure of yourself. It could be the beginning of an incredible fairytale.

Other than the social aspect of being in a new city, it can really, really help if you have a project of some description that you enjoy working on. It will keep you busy, give you a sense of purpose & help you feel like you’re not just wasting your time in some foreign city. I think that most of us, when we’re not occupied with work, our friends or loved ones, feel a bit aimless. We don’t really know what to do with ourselves, & a holiday alone really amplifies this. People like to be doing something, so find something to do!

For me at the moment, for example, whenever I’m not out in the city, I’m usually sitting cross-legged on my bed, writing articles or responding to emails. iCiNG keeps me very busy, regardless of where I am or what I’m doing — & of course, other than writing articles & emails, there is a lot of stuff that happens “behind the scenes” that you never hear about. So if you have something you love to do, like writing, drawing, programming or finding solutions to complex mathematical problems while you balance on your head, make sure you take the things you need to keep doing that!

Another thing that’s fabulous about being in a new city is the opportunity to find out who you really are. Being alone in an unfamiliar place is always a challenge, & spending so much time by yourself can really cause you to re-evaluate your life as it is. You start thinking about things. Why are you there? Would you like to live there? How could you make that happen? Are you satisfied with your job? How about your relationships? Do you dislike spending time alone, & if so, why? What could you do to resolve that?

Don’t shy away from these questions. Spending a bit of time thinking, writing, & thinking some more can be incredibly beneficial for you. It will help you sort things out in your head, give you a fresh sense of purpose & direction, as well as making you feel better about your lot in general.

Sometimes, if you’re feeling pressured, scared or nervous, it can help to view your life as a piece of art. Sometimes messy, sometimes awkward, & often unusual — but full of magic & genius all the same.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: advice, gala, how to, inspiration, life
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How To Wear Pink Cowboy Boots

[ 14 June 2008, 09:30 ]

“I recently bought a pair of bright pink cowboy boots (on complete impulse!) and haven’t worn them yet. I know they’re gonna be big and I’ve seen them start to creep onto the high street, so I want to look like I’m really ahead of the trends. But I have no ideas what to wear them with! Could you give me some help?”

The absolute best thing about a pair of hot pink cowboy boots is that it proves you have a sense of humour. I mean, how could you not? As soon as you put them on, it’s pretty much proof that you have a personality. A pair of pink cowboy boots are not for the shy. They are not shrinking violet territory. They are loud & fabulous & they shout, “HERE I AM!” While you could dress them down, I think this would do them an injustice. I think the best thing is to use them as a platform to step it up a notch.

Having a pair of coloured cowboy boots can be limiting, but that doesn’t mean you can’t rock them to glorious effect. I once owned a pair of duck-egg blue cowboy boots. I saw them in a shop window, fell in love & wore them to death. (Proof: 1, 2, 3.) Some people didn’t like them, but they made me obscenely happy, so I wore them & loved them until the very end. I still miss them!

A good pair of cowboy boots is a very versatile item. It doesn’t have to be all jeans & down-on-the-ranch-wear! I have had an amazing amount of use from the cowboy boots I own at the moment. They are black & brown, have taken a total beating (I wore them at Burning Man) & still beg for more! I’ve worn them with a bedshirt, shorts & red lipstick, a vintage nightgown & a faux-fur coat, a sundress & yellow bow belt & the same outfit, winter-ified.

Having said all this, here are some outfits I whipped up with the help of Polyvore, based around hot pink cowboy boots.

Perfect for a trip to the playground, a bit of cupcake munching & a ferocious game of air hockey.

More conservative cowboy-boot-ism, but it still speaks loudly. Your boots say, “Here I am!”, your shirt says, “I have taste!” & your sunglasses say, “Science fair geek!”. Mixed messages? Why yes. But isn’t it more fun that way?

The ideal brunch outfit. Just don’t spill maple syrup on your shirt.

Perfect for a little antique shopping, followed by a cup of frozen yoghurt the size of your head. You might also feel the urge to just sit on a bench & look delicious — & of course, you should go right ahead & do that!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Tags: advice, consumption, how to, inspiration, madame
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How To Have The Best Holiday Ever

[ 11 June 2008, 15:58 ]

Obviously, travelling has been on my mind recently — & it seems to be on yours, too, judging by the amount of email I’ve received asking for travel tips!

One of the questions that stood out in my mind was from a girl who was about to go overseas with her mother. She wrote,

“I plan on taking lots of photos and writing about each day (with video footage as well) but how can I make my experience one to be remembered for all the right reasons?”

Here are my tips for making the absolute best of your overseas excursion.

Assuming that you already know where you want to go (if you don’t, never fear — spin a globe with your eyes closed, point at it & then open your eyes!), the first step is defining your travels. This means answering questions like: where are you going? What’s the purpose of your trip? How long will you be there? Is it going to be a “solo voyage” or will you be going with someone else?

Once you know the answers to these questions, you can start planning accordingly. The most important thing, of course, is booking your ticket. Don’t feel that you have to go with the first deal you hear about — fares are priced quite competitively these days & you can save thousands of dollars if you book in advance (or, if you’re in the United States, at the very last minute: think 24 hours & under).

If your flight includes quite a few hops, skips & jumps, using a travel agent is generally easiest. I have always had great luck booking through STA Travel. They’re a student travel service & they offer excellent deals for those of us under 26. However, if you’re more of a flirty thirty, a naughty forty or even a nifty fifty than a twitterpated twenty-something, they’re still a great company to use! They’re friendly & helpful & their staff always offer tips from their own travel experiences, which I like. It’s friendly & genuine. But there are a lot of other companies offering information on discount fares. Expedia is very well-known, Kayak allows you to search over 140 airlines at once, & Priceline lets you bid for seats. There are also lots of tips on booking a good ticket at How To Book A Cheap Flight on Mahalo. SeatGuru is great for finding out the details of your seat — it will ease your mind as to whether it’s cramped, whether it has a power port nearby & other pressing questions!

I often find that organising a vegetarian, vegan, or Kosher meal on the flight is a great way to go. It usually tastes a lot better than the “normal” meal, is made specially for you, & comes out piping hot before everyone else’s. Woohoo!

Your next step is to book some accommodation. Will you be staying with a friend, in a hotel or a hostel, renting an apartment (a great option for long stays) or couch-surfing your way across the country? I really love looking at Tablet Hotels — it’s the higher end of accommodation, but you can get excellent deals & read comprehensive reviews there. It also tells you what the “vibe” of the hotel is, which I like. They have a limited selection of hotels featured, but that’s to keep the quality high — I like that too. Other than that, Trip Advisor has great reviews & also tells you what the most popular hotels are in any given location. I always like to check the reviews on Trip Advisor before I book anything. Apartment hunters will need to do a little bit of research, & you will probably get a better price if you don’t say that you’re a traveller. & of course, couch-surfers will find la-z-boys & fold-out futons aplenty at (where else?) Couchsurfing.com.

Try to work out a daily budget. This can be tricky but it’s worth doing, because it will give you some expectation of what you’ll spend while you’re away, & will also give you a goal to work towards with your savings! For more information on budgeting your holiday, see How To Create A Simple Vacation Budget & Divide Your Wallet To Stick To A Vacation Budget.

So, what do you want to do while you’re on holiday?! This is the most fun part of it, I think: researching exciting things & writing them down! If you’re going somewhere in the United States, Yelp is incredible, but for everywhere else, I love Virtual Tourist, Lonely Planet (& their forums), & of course, books! All of the books in the Hedonist’s Guide series are brilliant, as well as the guides by Wallpaper, Time Out & Luxe. Allow yourself some quality time online to poke around & see what you can find. Every place has its secrets which may only be unearthed by some sneaky & judiciously applied Googling. Also, when I’m about to go somewhere, one of my favourite things to do is go to a big bookstore, raid the travel section, grab all the books about the city I’m going to, & then take them to a corner where I pore over them & make notes in my book of the places I want to see or go. Man, I am such a nerd.

If you have friends in your destination, call or email them to let them know you’re on your way. Make plans to spend time with them & ask if they would be so kind as to organise a day where they show you their view of the place. This doesn’t need to involve 3 castle tours, an extravagant lunch & a night full of cupcakes & champagne (though of course, that’s always welcome!). Seeing what their life is really like will be fascinating. You might go & do laundry, shop for food (I love doing this in new countries, it’s so interesting!), walk through the park, eat fish & chips on the beach at sunset & then visit a dive bar for cheap beers & a local show. (Also, be sure to ask them for suggestions of things which they think you should do alone.)

If you don’t know anyone in your new favourite place, make some friends! Join a Livejournal community based around the city or jump into the Lonely Planet forums & start mingling! Having a contact to show you around, meet you for a coffee or suggest a restaurant — even if it’s someone you don’t know very well — is a great thing. (Remember to be safe! Always meet people from the internet [oh, those dastardly internet people!] in a public place & tell someone where you’ll be.)

Ah yes, packing. So many questions. What to pack? How to pack? When to pack?

I am a freakish organiser. That’s just how it is when you embrace your inherent Virgo-ness. I start packing — at the latest — two days before I leave. I learned this from my mother. If she is flying somewhere on Saturday, on Monday she will open her suitcase & set it at the end of her bed, & add to it over the course of the week as she thinks of things. Of course, this means that people who pack the day that they fly out completely bewilder me. But that’s okay! We all have our own “suitcase style”, & if you can be that spontaneous, kudos! I envy you!

So, the first thing you should do is get online & check the weather of the place you’re going. But! If you’re going to be there for longer than a week, I also suggest looking at the Wikipedia page of your destination & checking the average highs & lows of the month. Trust me on this. When I was packing for New York, I looked at the weather forecast & saw that it was pretty much the same temperature as in Melbourne (i.e., cold). I packed accordingly. I did not think about the fact that, golly, I was going to Florida, & hmm, I might be there for a couple of months in the hottest time of the year! Do not make my mistake! I packed faux fur coats & leather jackets & wool stockings & winter boots, which were fabulous for the first week & now just take up space in my closet. If there is even the vaguest possibility that your trip might be extended, plan for all eventualities!

For short trips, check out my article How To Pack A Suitcase. But for longer trips, you really need to use your discretion. What are you likely to do while you’re away? Will you be clambering around Machu Picchu, attending a wedding or shopping until you drop? Sometimes though, it’s very hard to know. It never occurred to me as I packed my suitcase that I would need an outfit for Disneyworld, something to meet Louis Vuitton in & a mermaid costume! Just do what you can.

The things that have gotten the most wear on this trip are my black jeans, my mind-bendingly versatile American Apparel dress, my super-comfortable & lightweight American Apparel sweater, my most comfortable boots (New Rocks, I’m looking at you) & my accessories. I packed a Hello Kitty lunchbox with all my favourite pieces of jewellery — pearls, crystal bracelets, sparkly rings etc. — & they have had a lot of wear. If I’m wearing something simple, like for example the black slip I bought from Urban Outfitters for $10 last week, & have been wearing non-stop since I got it because it is so insanely hot, it’s easy to dress it up with a headscarf, a huge bundle of necklaces & a pair of boots. Seriously, do not skimp on accessories. With the proliferation of stores like Topshop, H&M, Uniqlo & American Apparel, it’s easy to buy a plain dress or t-shirt, but not so simple to get your hands on accessories that really speak to you. Take statement pieces of jewellery & allow them to be the focus of your ensemble.

How to pack? I employ a combination of familiar techniques. I fold some pieces, roll others, & pack things inside other things. I stuff shoes with socks & small soft items to help them maintain their shape. Bulky items go in the bottom of my suitcase & delicate items go near the top, protected by a layer of t-shirts & other plain clothing. Underwear, socks & accessories like hats & scarves go in a separate zippered compartment, because I need to access them straight away.

NPR had a story a little while ago on how to pack everything you own in one bag, which is definitely worth a read. Bundling your clothing is a fantastic idea. Though they do say “never take more than two pairs of shoes”. HA! I have six pairs with me & it’s still not enough! It’s never enough! (Picture foam coming out of my mouth!) This is another good article on packing light.

Don’t forget: Geek stuff & accessories (laptop & power cables, cameras, chargers, cellphone, etc.). Sunglasses. Cleanser & moisturiser (don’t assume you’ll be able to buy it where you’re going). Tweezers. Prescription medication (& a script on paper just in case). A scarf.

As you probably all know, I am a huge fan of pen & paper. To me, there are few things as satisfying as scrawling words. I love the way pages feel when they’re covered in loopy writing — crunchy but soft, well-loved & bristling with secrets. So I think the ideal way to document your trip is to write it all down. Buy yourself a Moleskine (or some other notebook which charms you), take a couple of good pens & make time, every night, to detail what you did. Trust me on the every night thing. If you leave it a couple of days, you’ll get confused or out of the habit & you’ll end up with big gaps in your memory that you cannot fill in, no matter how hard you try.

If you want some great ideas for journalling your travels, Kolby Kirk has put together these tips which are fabulous.

Having said this, I admit that I have not been writing about my NYC adventures every day. I’ve been writing them up sporadically on my Macbook — I just don’t make time to put it down on paper, & plus, when I publish them on Livejournal, I can link to pictures & videos & people’s websites! So, if you take your laptop on holiday with you, typing it all up is an excellent option. Thankfully I have a Moleskine diary with all my appointments written in it, which gives me clues as to what the hell I actually did last week. Otherwise I would be at a complete loss! While typing it up electronically isn’t as authentic or as much of a keepsake, if your travelling schedule is hectic, it comes in at a fantastic second place to a notebook.

I think a digital camera is an absolute essential when you’re travelling. You can take as many shots as you like, delete the ones you don’t like & try again. While digital SLR cameras are incredibly sexy & give you great quality pictures, they also tend to be big, bulky & heavy. Not the sort of thing you want to lug all over Paris. Get your hands on a good quality point & click. I am an avid Nikon fan, & when I’m wandering the streets, I biff my Nikon Coolpix P5100 in my bag for snapshots on the go. It also has video capabilities, so it’s great to not have to take two cameras. Before you leave for your trip, I also suggest jumping on Ebay & buying yourself a huge memory card. I have an 8GB card which I adore & don’t think I will ever be able to fill! It’s brilliant not to worry about taking too many pictures.

If you want people to be able to keep up with what you’re doing as you’re doing it, sign up for a Flickr account, let your friends know the address, & upload your pictures & videos when you have a spare moment. The instant feedback is like an addictive drug, so beware! When it comes to videos of your trip, if you have an Apple computer, try using iMovie to turn your little video clips into one big exciting show!

Think about documenting your trip in an innovative way. Keep concert & movie tickets, receipts for unusual purchases, take photobooth strips & buy postage to put in your journal. You could even turn your trip into an art project of some kind, if you were so inclined.

You might also like to compile a list of email addresses of people who want to hear about your travels, & then you can send them a mass update when you have fun things to share.

Be charming at check-in. This should go without saying, but if you make an effort to be charming, it pays off. Hotel & airline employees work their butts off, & often bear the brunt of raging customers with a sense of entitlement. If you chat to them & treat them like a friend, they will often help you out. This could mean upgrading you to the next class on the plane, not charging you for excess baggage, organising you an entire row of seats to yourself or giving you a bigger & better suite with a fabulous view. Don’t go into it with an agenda (i.e. thinking, ‘I’ll only be friendly because I might get something out of it’), just do it because it’s the right way to behave, & you’ll reap the rewards. If not immediately, then sometime after. Promise!

Allow yourself to be swept away. I love to organise the main details of my holiday but I think it’s important to leave a lot of it open. It is my belief that a vacation shouldn’t be a military operation — you need time to mooch about, gawk at architecture, hide in an air-conditioned ice-cream parlour, & if everything is scheduled to the nth degree, it sucks a lot of the fun out of it. What if you meet someone cute & they want to take you out for a drink? Or you meet your idol on the street & they invite you to a party? What then?! Chill out a bit, go with the flow. It’s worth it.

Take your cellphone — or purchase one, if need be. Before you start squeaking about how your phone doesn’t work in Guatemala, or about how expensive it is to use your phone overseas, realise that in most places, you can buy basic phones & connectivity packages for about $30 American. Eet ees nussink! Especially if you’re going to be meeting people, organising social events, or trying to keep in contact with your parents on the other side of the planet. My phone has been an incredible asset to me since I arrived in the States, I use it constantly & would be quite lost without it!

Write postcards. Picking a postcard from a rack, deliberating over what to scrawl in that tiny space & purchasing foreign postage are all fun activities & good things to do when you have a moment of down-time. Even if you don’t document your adventures, writing a postcard (which usually ends up being a summary of the coolest things you’ve done) is a great way to remind yourself of all the fun you’re having! Seal with a kiss & send to your friends (& other deserving people).

Relax. Even though you’re in an exciting new place & you’re dying to get out there & conquer it all, allow yourself plenty of time to just do nothing. When I say do nothing, I mean: do nothing! Lie on your bed. Watch television. Eat some food. Read a book. Otherwise you just end up exhausted & grouchy. I prescribe at least one day a week of sweet, sweet absolute nothingness. It is a sanity preserver if nothing else.

Always carry your camera. Always! At the very least, make sure you have a cellphone that will take pictures… because you never know where you’re going to go, what you’re going to see or who you might meet! (Squeal!)

Learn a few local phrases. It will make your life a lot easier! Even if you’re going to an English-speaking country, if you brush up on their slang or colloquialisms, it will help prevent those moments where you stare at someone slack-jawed with that very confused look in your eye!

Drink lots of water & take your vitamins. I promise that it will help keep you feeling fresh & alert. You can read more about keeping your body happy at The Raw Girl’s Travel Guide.

Enjoy it for what it is. I think this is the most important thing. The key is in removing your expectations; detaching from the need to experience this or that, or for it to resemble something you’re comfortable with. In some places, you’ll have to eat weird food. In others, their toilets may terrify you. A friendly Australian going to France might feel confused by how long it can take the French to warm to you, while a meticulous clock-watcher from Germany might be frustrated by the easy-going attitude in Brazil. (Please excuse the stereotypes!) My point is, there are always going to be little things that aren’t quite how you like them, but you’ll improve your experience greatly if you can let go of those needs.

Above all, have fun! Do your best to appreciate every day & soak it all in.

Extra For Experts:
Five Ways To Get An Edge Over Other Air Travellers
Where To Find Cheap Last-Minute Or Emergency Tickets?
How Not To Be The “Ugly American” — customs & traditions from around the world.
Extravigator is “haute travel talk”.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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The Raw Girl's Travel Guide

[ 9 June 2008, 13:32 ]

Going away on holiday is fabulous. There are hundreds of things to see, great food to eat, intense shop-a-thons, amazing parties, delicious food, mind-blowing art galleries, little streets to explore, fabulous food…

Yes. Like it or lump it, eating is a huge part of the travelling experience. We all need food to live, but we’re never so aware of this fact as when we’re on holiday. Usually you just eat at your desk or make some toast & watch television, & don’t give it a lot of thought. But when we’re trawling the streets for treasures, walking miles a day & staying in a hotel room, it seems like we need constant nourishment. Stopping off at every pizza joint, bakery, ice-cream shop & hot dog stand in your destination is expensive, not to mention unhealthy.

So what about those of us who have experienced the glee of raw food? How are we supposed to eat while we travel? What can we do to make our travels less of a trip to the bloat buffet & more energising, fulfilling & fun?

I hate to say this, but a lot of it comes down to your level of self-control & how you view food. Do you see it as the enemy, or just something your body requires? For me, if I see a cupcake, I’ll buy it & eat it. I don’t believe in dieting, & I had such a restricted view of food for years that these days, I’m pretty chilled out about what I eat. I don’t do guilt over cupcakes, ice-cream, cookies, whatever. I think that if you want it, you should eat it. Being on holiday is pretty much the extreme end of the scale, presenting thoughts such as, ‘Oooh, world famous cake? I better have a slice, since I might never come back…’

However, I also know that if I gorge myself on pizza, bread, pasta, whatever, I don’t feel very good afterwards. My energy slumps. I feel sluggish. My skin performs its own ugly little dance. I get grouchy & I think, “Ugh, I need to eat more raw food”.

Because being on holiday (or “vacation” as you Americans call it!) is so taxing, & because there’s always so much to do at any given moment, the key is to making eating raw as easy as possible. It needs to be even more easy than at home, because odds are good that you’re not going to have your usual things with you. The items in my kitchen that I took for granted, like balsamic vinegar, a blender, salad bowls & sunflower seeds, are going to be in short supply in a hotel room or a sublet apartment. (My kitchen in New York has tools but nothing else.)

Juice
The first & best thing you can do is to hunt out a juice bar in your local area. Use Google, ask locals or if you’re in the United States, utilise the power of Yelp! (I love Yelp.) Don’t be tempted to order juice from the hotel — it will be something like $6 for orange juice. Not very economical & you can get one that’s much larger & better for you for about the same price. Find the juice place, & decide to make it your morning routine. When you wake up, maybe even before you do anything else, chuck on some clothes (& dark sunglasses if you don’t look too fabulous first thing in the morning), make your way down there & order yourself a mammoth green juice. It doesn’t need to be all greens but at least ask them to throw some spinach in there. You can’t taste it, it will give you a huge energy kick & your body will soak it up lovingly.

if you have a big ol’ juice in the morning, you’ll find that it will keep you going for quite a long time. Most raw foodists who have been “in the game” for a while find that a decent green juice in the morning means they don’t even think about eating again until late in the afternoon — somewhere around 3 or 4 o’ clock. Though of course, your body may work differently, & you should always eat if you’re hungry!

Vitamins
The second thing I would recommend is hitting up your closest health food store for some vitamins. If you don’t normally take them, now might be a good time to start. Holidays, while typically considered relaxing, can be anything but. People to meet, places to go, lots of walking to get there… it can be exhausting! Couple that with the fact that it may be warmer or cooler than you’re used to, you’re probably drinking less water than usual, & your eating habits are a bit unsettled, & it’s a recipe for feeling run-down. A lot of raw foodists believe that if you’re eating raw you don’t need any supplements, but I’m not sure I agree. I have been taking a women’s multi-vitamin & three Omega 3 tablets every day for a couple of years now, & it has made a huge difference to how I feel day-to-day. I often feel like my brain doesn’t operate at full power until I’ve had my Omega 3 capsules.

Omega 3 capsules don’t need to be fish oil. They can be, if you really really want, but it’s not compulsory. I buy flaxseed oil ones & they work just as well. You may not be able to buy your regular multi-vitamin brand, but speak to someone in the shop & see what they recommend. The other day I bought vitamins that are made wholly from raw food, which is amazing to me, & they’re great.

While you’re in the health food store, you might like to pick up any superfoods or other supplements that you like to have on hand. Then you can just throw them in your juice or whatever works for you. I recommend buying it all when you arrive, not before. Trying to import food into a foreign country can be a nightmare, & if you’re trying to get it into somewhere like Australia or New Zealand, you’re going to be upset when they biff it all in the bin.

Snacks
I am a huge snack lover & I much prefer to snack on small things throughout the day than have occasional big meals. You’ll make things much easier on yourself if you have bits & pieces scattered throughout your room/apartment/suitcase to eat. As well as saving time — I mean, going out in hunt of breakfast every morning? What a time-suck! — you’ll be less inclined to buy a slice of the incredibly tasty & tempting pizza next door.

What makes a good snack? Well, fruit is the best thing. It’s small, cheap, portable & easy to get your hands on. Pre-chopped vegetables are great too — you can buy them in the fresh section of any supermarket, & they’re trivial to throw in your purse & eat during the day. Other than that, you’ll be surprised by what your nearest health food store carries. I have been amazed to find all manner of packaged raw food snacks, like chocolate/coconut/almond bites, chocolate, crackers & nuts. Even more incredibly, a lot of those things I discovered in a supermarket in Gainesville, Florida — so it can be done!

Stock up. Keep a bag of raw nuts on you at all times. They’re good for you & will help tide you over when you get peckish.

Water
Remember to make an effort to drink lots of water. It keeps you feeling energised & fresh, & helps your brain stay alert. It can be easy to forget to drink water, especially when you’re walking for miles & miles & don’t want to lug a huge bottle around with you. Unfortunately, if you leave it at home, by the time you return at the end of the day, you’ll probably be grumpy & dehydrated with a headache. Not the most fun thing!

Buy yourself a water bottle & start toting it around with you. Glass bottles are the best, though they also tend to be the heaviest & have the highest pain-in-the-ass factor, since they can break quite easily. Stainless steel bottles are probably the next best thing, & companies like Sigg make really cool ones that come in a multitude of sizes & patterns. After that would be plastic, which is best avoided.

Meals
Find some places that serve the kind of nosh you’re into. Soystache has a list of raw food restaurants around the world, but We Like It Raw trumps all with a Google map of raw food restaurants in America, a New York-specific map, & a raw food restaurants section on their site with constant updates on new joints to check out worldwide. Woo!

Decide to eat a real raw meal out at one of these places two or three times a week. You will have some incredible meals this way. There will be some misses, too, but it’s all part of the experience. Sit down, savour the food, enjoy yourself. Sometimes raw food restaurants are expensive, that’s true. But honestly, you’re on holiday, food is pretty much always going to be one of your biggest expenses, & you might as well spend the dough on food that is going to make you feel GOOD rather than awful. Make the right choice for your body!

When you’re not out wining & dining, assess your neighbourhood to see what you can use to make yourself meals. If there’s a greengrocer, you might like to start making yourself salads. This can be a little labour intensive though, & there’s nothing to say you shouldn’t just eat a cucumber & a bunch of grapes. You may also choose to up your juice intake & just have one solid meal a day.

Being prepared & flexible
It’s really up to you, but I think the key is to be prepared. Imagine yourself as a girl or boy scout, & think ahead of time. If you only ever leave your house to buy a meal, eat it & then go back home, next time you’re hungry you’re going to be in the exact same situation. Do some shopping, stock up on things you like & know you can eat, & then you’ll never be in that desperate, frenzied, slightly rabid stage of hunger where you could eat anything as long as it might fill the gap!

It might also help to regard your holiday as just that — a holiday. Not an opportunity to prove yourself to the Raw Police! Of course, when you find something that works for you, it makes sense to stick to it, but if you’re stressing out about finding bee pollen when you could be meeting new people, dancing & swooning over architecture, then you might as well have just stayed at home. Allow yourself exceptions. My exception will always & forever be cupcakes. I just love them. This is not to mention the times that you’ll go out to dinner or lunch with a friend & the only thing that looks slightly raw is a salad that consists of some limp lettuce leaves, two pieces of tomato, an olive, an enormous pile of cheese & a litre of creamy dressing. Eep!

Just chill out. Having a sandwich won’t kill you. I always feel like if raw isn’t on the menu, something vegan is my next best bet, followed by something vegetarian, & then ye olde normal food. But hey, you don’t have to be a saint, & you don’t have to prove yourself. I say, if you want to eat something, eat it. Pepperoni pizza, a chicken sandwich, macaroni & cheese… what the hell, why not? Life’s too short to give yourself an ulcer over what you’re eating. Just enjoy it, & remember to focus on the brilliance of what’s really happening: you’re travelling!

Note: Obviously, if you’re staying in a rural area, you might need to cover your bases early. You’ll probably need to be more self-sufficient, & stock up before you go! Really though, just remember to be flexible. When I was in Norway a couple of years ago, I stayed in a cabin in the middle of nowhere with someone else’s family. They served whale for dinner. I really didn’t want to eat it, but I also didn’t want to be rude & there was no other food in the house, so my options were pretty limited. I ate some of it, fought off the impulse to gag, devoured the vegetables they served alongside it, & tried to fill up on soft drink. Situations like this are going to present themselves sometimes, & we just have to do our best.

Extra For Experts:
Raw On The Road by raw model, Anthony.
How To Travel In The Raw, a check-list.
Juicing On The Road — tips from the Juice Feasting Prince!
Airport Musing From Sarma, the owner of Pure Food & Wine in NYC.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

Comment [29]
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My Mother Might Have Cancer...

[ 3 June 2008, 12:41 ]

“Dearest Gala,

Today my mom went to the doctor for a routine pap smear. In October they had found some abnormal cells, and in April they took a biopsy and today she received the results; they revealed she had pre-cancerous cells. The doctor did a special procedure where the cells are burned out of her cervix, but since the cells were in such a strange place, they had to burn a part of her cervix, meaning she can now no longer have children (thankfully she has my younger brother, younger sister, and I).

My question, Gala, is how can I be strong for her? I feel completely distraught over the fact that my 34-year old mother may have cancer, and I’m not sure what to do. I can’t even imagine how she may be feeling, but I am only 14 years old and very, very confused. I want her to be okay. I want her to be healthy. It has been my greatest fear for as long as I can remember to lose her in any way; she raised me. I am not sure who I can talk to about this, because I want to be strong and take over the mother position for awhile, so she won’t have to stress.

My mom has no idea how upset I am, and I am so incredibly worried and distraught over this. I don’t know who to talk to, or how to healthily deal with my emotions. Please, offer some input. Thank you very much.”

I am so, so sorry that you’re going through this. It is a horrific position to be in, & all your fears & concerns are perfectly normal & okay. I think that anyone in a similar position would be at least as freaked out as you are right now. You’re going to be okay though, I promise.

Nobody wants their parents to die. To those of us with parents who are still alive & kicking — gardening in the afternoons, drinking coffee, flicking the newspaper pages with gusto — sometimes it seems like the ultimate nightmare to consider them not being around any more. My parents are 14,401 kilometres (8948 miles) away from me & I still make time to talk to them every day! That’s the thing about parents: no matter how maddening they can be at times, they are our parents. We love them. No one can replace them, & that’s what makes the thought of losing them so terrifying.

There is good news, though! While at the moment you don’t know if your mother actually has cancer or not, the fact remains that cancer is not a death sentence. Not any more. There are over 10 million cancer survivors in the United States today, with numbers growing all the time. Lance Armstrong, Kylie Minogue, Elizabeth Taylor, Robert DeNiro & Kris Carr, an actress turned director, are all wonderful examples of people who have mercilessly kicked cancer’s ass! It can be done. Kris Carr in particular is an incredibly inspiring woman. I met her at the start of May, & she is amazing — so calm & so happy, she just radiates light.

Q: What are some of the misconceptions people have about cancer?

A: I think for me the main misconception is that in the world of cancer the outcome is either cure or death and there is nowhere in between. I am an example of someone who lives with cancer, manages it and still has a perfectly normal dynamic life. Cancer has opened me up to the best life possible. It hasn’t been a gift but it has been an extreme catalyst for personal revolution and I am grateful for it. Truth be told, we are all saddled with something. Adversity is universal. But what you do with it determines the quality of your life.

(Meet Kris Carr)

One thing you do need to be aware of is that things around your house are going to start changing. Here are some things you can do to make the transition easier.

Be open to change
It’s a biggie. So many of us think change sucks, but without change, we would have no birth, new relationships, great haircuts or… well, anything! (No internet! The horror!)

So try to take a more open view to the changes that are going to occur inside your family over the next little while. There will be upheaval & adjustment & bleary-eyed mornings & yawn-inducing late nights & boredom & chaos… just like your old life, really, but moreso. Try not to let it get to you. Don’t feel like you have to control everything, because you don’t, & you can’t even if you want to.

Talk to your brother & sister about the fact that things are going to start changing. Ask for their help & tell them how much you’d appreciate it if they could do all they can to keep the family united.

Just allow life to happen. Let it unfold organically. Deep breaths, baby. You can do it!

Do what you can to help
Every little thing you can do that makes your mother’s life easier will be a huge help. If that means you need to learn to cook something other than pancakes, then get a cookbook out of the library & start sizzling! If it means walking to the markets alone to buy the groceries for the week, try that too.

Obviously you won’t be able to fully take over your mother’s role as head of the house. There is so much involved, from wake-up calls in the morning to budgets to late library books, that it is quite an incredible task. (Especially for a 14 year old girl! I can’t imagine doing it myself, & I’m almost twice your age!) But, like I say, every little bit helps. Ask your mother where your assistance would be most valuable, & then divvy up some of the other chores between your siblings.

Another thing you might like to do is to sit down with your mother & discuss enlisting someone else’s help. Of course, this will all depend on how well she is: fingers crossed that it’s a false alarm & she is totally fine. But if she isn’t, having her best friend or sister or mother or even distant cousin move into a spare bedroom or stay nearby would be a wonderful thing. Just another adult around to help run the house & assist in providing a little structure.

Take care of yourself
While your mother is definitely going to be your primary concern for a while, it’s really important that you take time for yourself, too. You need to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling, & your emotions will cycle & change rapidly. At times you might feel ashamed by some of those feelings — for example, you might feel left out or embarrassed about being seen in public with your mother — but you need to just allow yourself to feel it. If you don’t, you’ll go nuts! A lot of us bury our emotions, thinking that if we pretend everything is okay & “put on a happy face”, all the bad ugly junk in our heads will disappear. Well, it doesn’t. You need to acknowledge your emotions, because they’re screaming at you!

What do I mean when I say “acknowledge your emotions”? Basically it means that you take a step back, look at them, & then do something with them. Something productive, if possible — some of those emotions might make us want to smash every dish in the house, but that’s probably not going to help much! My favourite way to deal with a strong negative feeling is to use EFT on it. I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again: it has changed my life. You can read about it here.

But the more you can do the better. Try running, yoga or acrobatics classes (exercise is a great way to blow off steam), singing really loudly, dancing really badly, seeing a counsellor (you can probably get a referral from your school if they don’t have one on site), talking to your friends & family about how you feel, writing it all down, crying until you pass out, making a mess with canvas & paint, baking a huge batch of cupcakes & beating the butter furiously, building a treehouse, making prank phonecalls (hey, sometimes it just helps), painting your face like a warrior & sauntering along the high street like you own it… Anything you want. It’s all good. Just stay away from things which harm you or other people.

Be there for your mother
It sounds like your mother has raised you alone — major kudos, & obviously she’s done an amazing job! — & that she is single. Of course, that’s cool, but it might mean she doesn’t have another adult with whom she is intimately involved to share the burden. I can’t begin to imagine what it would be like to be faced with an illness & have children but no lover to hold your hand. Hopefully she has some good friends who can step in & look after her, but regardless, this might be the time to become her best friend.

This doesn’t mean you need to smother her. She is, after all, an extremely strong & independent woman. But it does mean that she’s going to need a bit of a boost from time to time, & if you can offer her that, you will both feel so much better for it. Accompany her to doctor’s appointments when you can, give her space to talk, spend time with her. You don’t need to rigorously schedule every moment you have alone — that would be exhausting & strange — but let her know that you are available, that you love her & support her, & that she can come to you whenever she likes.

Keep communicating
If you’ve never been a big talker, now’s the time to push your old image of yourself aside & start gabbing! In order to keep your family together, you all need to know where you’re at. You might like to schedule regular meetings for you, your mother, your sister & brother, where you all sit down & talk — preferably with some good food & no distractions like music or television. Ask everyone how they’re doing. See if there are any gaps anywhere. For example, your brother might feel like he’s doing too much housework & doesn’t have time to go to karate lessons — if you know this, you can work around it, & you’ll all be happier.

Fear can sometimes push us into silence, but choking it down & not speaking up only makes things worse. If you absolutely cannot form the words, write a note.

Another thing you might like to do is tell your mother that you want to know what’s happening at all times. Tell her that you don’t want her to go through this alone, & that if you have all the information she does, then you can actually help. The scariest thing is being left in the dark, but if you feel like you have all the knowledge you need, you’ll feel much more secure & okay with what is going on. Some families leave their children out of important stuff like this, but I think, especially when it comes to such a big situation, it’s beneficial to treat your children like adults. That way, you can all grow together, you all know what’s going on & no one feels left out or confused or afraid.

Maintain your own life, too
That being said, there are going to be times when you just can’t take any more! You need to get out of your house, acknowledge your own emotions (see above), & do your own thing. You’re a teenager; trust me, your mother understands. Plus, everyone knows people are more pleasant when they have time to do what they want to do!

So don’t neglect your normal day to day life. You are still going to have homework, crushes, sartorial difficulties, hormones, ballet classes & all the usual insanity to deal with it. Go to the movies, go shopping, sleep at your friend’s house, get a boyfriend, wear black lipstick (okay, maybe not that last one). Just live. Your home life will be a bit crazier than most people’s, but you know what? You’re strong & awesome, & you’ll get through it.

It’s true that this next phase of your life is going to be a big one — being a teenager is difficult, regardless of the circumstances! — but you are going to grow like mad, & in a few years, you will be incredulous at how well you did.

Try to understand how your family is feeling
Your mother is probably going through the emotional wringer right now. She might be feeling sad, angry, terrified, lonely, confused or just plain numb. Medical problems are so scary because it’s not something distant — it’s right there, with you all the time. Your body, revolting against you. It’s incomprehensible & upsetting.

When something like this happens, there’s really no telling how someone will react to it. Some people get depressed & never want to leave their bed. Some stay hopeful & do their best to get on with “normal” life. Another group grab life by the gonads & decide that things are going to change, starting now! However, most people’s reactions are not quite so cut & dry. There will be good days & there will be bad ones. You cannot control your mother’s feelings or reactions to what is happening to her, but you can do your very best to be compassionate, loving & accepting.

It’s very possible that as you all go through this journey, everyone in the family will start to become a lot more human. You might see things you don’t like. You may realise that your mother is much more flawed than you used to think she was. You might recoil from your brother’s selfishness & feel confused by your sister’s nonchalant attitude. This is all part of growing & learning — you see new things, some of them unpleasant. Do your best to accept what you face with love & grace. If in doubt, channel Mother Theresa — then go somewhere secret & scream. Or go running until the sweat streams down your face. You’ll feel better.

Don’t treat your mother like a victim
A lot of people act as if anyone with an illness needs to be handled with kid gloves. They tread around softly & are infuriatingly agreeable & they smile all the time & la la la, daisies! If my body was going nuts & I felt sick & unwell, all the super-sweet faux nonsense would drive me CRAZY! I would jump up on my bed & pull off my clothes & do the haka, & then there’d really be trouble! I’d run downstairs & beat pots & pans with a huge spoon, cover the living room in ice-cream & fill my handbag with tomato sauce. I mean, honestly!

Anyone living with any kind of sickness (& you know what? That’s most people!) is still them! Your mother is still your mother, your sister is still your sister, & the grumpy guy at the convenience store is still just a grumpy old man. Their essence hasn’t changed. They might be a bit crankier, sleepier or sadder than usual, but you don’t have to pretend you’re someone else just to relate to them. A bit of normality is a good thing.

Take things one step at a time
Sometimes it’s impossible to see how things might look a week, a month or a year down the track, so just focus on what you can do today to make life easier.

Just breathe. Learn how to meditate. (If you’re too busy, learn how to do a walking meditation!) Soak up the sun. Appreciate life for what it is: it’s a beautiful thing. Confusing? Sure! Crazy? Yes! But beautiful all the same.

Again, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You’re not alone: there are lots of people you can talk to about this, myself & the other nonpareils included.

Life is a funny thing. This is going to be a hard time for you, but it is also an amazing opportunity for you to grow, change & transform into a fabulously capable, compassionate & cool woman. I commend you for your courage & I have all my fingers & toes crossed that things turn out well for you, your mother, your brother & sister.

Extra For Experts:
When Your Parent Has Cancer: A Guide For Teens — click all the links down the side & have a read. The first page has some common emotions you might be feeling. If you use EFT to tap them out, you will feel much better.
A friend is doing chemo. What should I say? From Cary Tennis’ ‘Since You Asked’.
Kris Carr mania! Get on it! A Women On Writing interview (“People say they don’t know what to say. Well, it’s just common sense. Imagine walking in a cancer patient’s shoes and perhaps it will set you on course. I like it when folks listen and provide space and a safe container for me to share if I want to. What a lovely and compassionate gift. Just be present.”); tell your mother to join the My Crazy Sexy Life forum, buy Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips (her book) & watch Crazy Sexy Cancer, the movie about her journey.
EFT for cancer is quite interesting, too!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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The Constant Gardener

[ 22 May 2008, 14:07 ]

My mother has always said, “Everything happens for a reason”. For years I thought this was just her way of placating me when something bad happened, but recently I have come to realise the inherent wisdom in it.

Everything happens for a reason.

Life often contains upsetting details. These things can range from abuse to a bad haircut to divorce, but they all affect us. They throw us off balance & confuse us. We wonder what we did wrong. What did we do that was so awful that we deserved this? While I do believe in personal responsibility, & that our external world is a direct reflection of what is going on inside us, I also think there’s more to it than that. Sometimes these occurrences are the pathway to a more marvellous thing.

I don’t believe in “fate” (probably because I am too much of a control freak!), but I do believe that the Universe (or God, or a higher power, or whatever you like to call it) is always looking out for us. It gives us cues & nudges, signs & hints, & every now & then, it gives us a big, blessing-laden wink. We can’t always see that, though, & when we ignore it, we do so at our own peril. In order to be aware of what is going on around us, it’s important for us to be open & listening, to feel spiritually grounded & to trust in our intuition.

I think it’s essential to pay attention to what the Universe (or our intuition) is telling us. So many times I’ve had a bad feeling about something, & then after it’s all gone to pot, I know I was right to be cautious. It happens in small doses, too — walking around Manhattan, sometimes I feel like I should go left instead of right. I use my logic to turn right, then realise a block later that my intuition was right (or left, as the case may be!) all along.

A lot of people make the same mistake over & over, or their life keeps running in a hideous loop, & they don’t know what to do about it. This is a great example of the Universe trying to shake things up, or teach us a lesson that will benefit us in the long-run. We’re all guilty of not listening, too! It’s very common for our ego to get in the way.

Often, when things don’t work out for us, we look at the situation, grit our teeth, & decide to persevere regardless of the circumstances. Or we wig out, throw up our hands & run in the opposite direction. But I don’t think either of these are the ideal solution to a bump in the road. If we can take some time, sit back & examine what has happened in an objective fashion, usually we can see that there is another way forward.

Life doesn’t always fit in with what we want, but instead of taking it personally, I think it can be beneficial to recognise that maybe, just maybe, the Universe is telling us to wake up & pay a bit more attention. To go with the flow, not try & force anything. We can keep pushing if we want to, but it’s not necessarily going to be the best thing for us.

Sometimes we get so hung up on what we want, or finishing a project, or snagging that crush, that we can’t really see what’s going on. We become blind to our ambition, & we decide we must have x, regardless of the cost! Of course, having focus is a brilliant thing, & many of us would not be where we are today without it. But if you can maintain some perspective, consider the bigger picture & re-adjust your goals accordingly when things go awry, you’ll be much better for it.

If you can trust that the Universe will look after you, the world becomes a much less savage place. For example, I often have people approach me to get involved in their business projects. Mostly, it all works out fabulously, though a couple of times I have been a little bit hesitant (oh, intuition), but said yes anyway. What happened? Things went sour. While it’s easy for us to suffer the ill effects of a damaged ego, to take it personally & wring our hands, in my case, soon afterwards the other party showed their true colours. I realised that getting involved with them would have been a huge mistake. Having my energy tangled up in theirs would have been terrible. I regard this kind of thing as the Universe taking care of me. It could see what I couldn’t at the time. & while I could have pushed the issue, “made” it work, haggled &/or debated &/or kissed booty, I’m glad I didn’t. I am much better off for it.

Sometimes the Universe has to re-arrange things for you, often in an unsightly way, in order to make really wonderful things happen. It is painful & ugly at the time, sure.

But when these things happen to you, imagine the Universe knocking on your door. It turns up in overalls, wearing gardening gloves, carrying some seed packets & a pair of pruning shears. It smiles at you, & walks through the house to your garden. It kneels in the soil & starts to go to work in your flower bed, pulling up all the weeds & old, dying plants.

While you could run outside, scream & exclaim, “Don’t you know that those begonias were prize-winning? Best on the block! What are you doing?!”, take a moment. Look through your window. Examine the situation with a real, open, unbiased eye.

Everything happens for a reason.

Allow the Universe to be your gardener. Sit back & have a cup of tea. Watch as new seeds are planted in the fertile earth. Your gardener is making room for even more fabulous things to sprout & come to fruition.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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What Should I Buy For Mother's Day?

[ 7 May 2008, 11:04 ]

This Sunday, the 11th of May, is Mother’s Day. You can call it a Hallmark holiday all you like, but let’s face it — without a mother, none of us would be here in the first place! She deserves a bit of love, & you know it. Here are some ways to show her your appreciation without resorting to old faithful gifts — like a gift pack from The Body Shop or a scented candle!

Write her a letter or card
These days, whenever it’s a birthday, Christmas or Mother’s/Father’s Day, my gift of choice is a card or letter. That might sound like a bit of a cop-out, but really, my parents have everything they need — & anything they want, they’ll get. I can’t add a lot of value to their life by buying them knick-knacks & stuff they’ll never use.

On the flip-side, writing somebody something personal has huge value. I’m not talking about a card that says “Happy Mother’s Day, love Josephine”! You need to make it worthwhile. Sit down, spend an hour, write something meaningful. I like to write to my parents & tell them that I love them, admire them & am grateful for everything they’ve done for me (though of course, I mix it up a lot!). It always means much more to them than a candle or a book ever could.

This article was actually prompted by an email I received from a girl who said that she & her mother didn’t get along very well. She knew she had to do something for mother’s day but felt that her mother had caused her so much pain that the idea of buying her a gift made her grit her teeth. My suggestion was that she write her a card or letter, saying that she knew their relationship wasn’t perfect but that she loved her anyway, & that she hoped that they could work on that. So it doesn’t have to be all sweetness & light — just genuine.

Help her out
Your average mother is an unbelievable multi-tasker, juggler & jack of all trades. She has kids, a career, a lover, a house that seems to self-mess & a billion obstacles to navigate. Imagine you were your mother for a day. How well do you think you’d do? I think I’d be a total flop!

So, why not help lighten the load? Now, you don’t have to do any manual labour yourself if you don’t want to. But you could try hiring a cleaner for a month — they could come in for a few hours every Monday & help get the house in order. You could offer to cook dinner for a week, or if cooking isn’t your forte, you could hire someone to do it for her! You could offer to babysit so that she can go out & do something indulgent & luxurious. Alternatively, you could pay for her to get pampered. What mother wouldn’t want a massage, a manicure or a spa day?

A framed photograph
If you have a good photograph of you & your momma, or even just a nice recent photo of yourself, frame it & wrap a bow around it. Everyone likes evidence of themselves with someone they love having a great time. Bonus points if you use an image editing program to make you both look younger & more beautiful! A little use of the healing & blurring brushes goes a long way!

Sending a photo of yourself is a great option if you live far away from your mother or just don’t see her very often. That way, if you turn up at her door one day, she’ll remember who you are! (Just kidding!)

Something alive
Flowers are nice but they don’t last very long — & all that cutting-the-stems-diagonally, putting-Aspirin-or-sugar-in-the-water stuff is a bit of a drag. Mother’s day is meant to be her day off, after all! If you buy her a potted plant, it’ll be something she can keep for much longer, & every time she looks at it she will be reminded of you, her sublime offspring!

The best thing to do is go for something low-maintenance. Buying her something she has to think about all the time is not the idea! Orchids are my favourite because they only need a bit of water every couple of days & they’re right as rain, but if you ask someone at a garden centre, they’ll be able to push you in the right direction.

Go for a walk
How often do we get to spend time with our mothers & just hang out? If you’re anything like me, barely ever. There’s always something to do, somewhere to go, businesses to talk about & dinner to make. If you go on a walk together, you might be surprised at how good it is to just spend time with one another. You’re related, after all, & more similar than you might initially think. You don’t have to walk along the beach (this isn’t a personals ad!), but even walking to a café or around the neighbourhood can be wonderful.

Have a cup of tea
& hold her hand. Tell her you love her, bring her some biscuits & hug.

If none of these have tickled your fancy, there are a whole lot of other ideas at my article on Gift-Giving from last year!

If you’re a mother, what was your best ever mother’s day present? If not, what are you going to do for your mother this Sunday?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Observing Our Progress

[ 3 May 2008, 11:01 ]

I wanted to write a little bit about being observant, because often when we’re making big personal changes, it can be hard for us to see what an improvement it’s making to our quality of life. It’s all about being objective, & when it comes to something so personal & close, it’s tricky to assess it accurately.

This is why journalling any kind of transformation (leaving a relationship, moving city, changing your lifestyle) is so valuable. It’s like a little time machine on paper, & whenever we want to go back & see how things used to be, all we need to do is flick back a few pages. We can see how we were feeling, what we were doing, what kind of things were on our mind & really get a picture of how we used to be. It’s much more accurate than trying to remember, which is almost impossible. I have journals which boggle my mind — I am so different now to the girl who wrote them! That’s why, when I announced the iTC, I recommended you all go out & buy journals to use for this purpose. It wasn’t just because buying stationery is fun — though I must admit that was part of the motivation!

If you didn’t start a paper journal, that’s okay, & you’re forgiven! You might like to try read back on your old comments on the iTC discussion pages. It might be a good idea to search by your name, & then copy & paste all your comments (in chronological order) into a text document. While this won’t necessarily be hugely illuminating (at least at this stage), by the time the challenge is over you should have some inkling of where your new changes have taken you, & the ways in which they have improved your life.

However, some of you haven’t been leaving comments about what your goals were or how things are going. (I know, because there are over 1300 of you subscribed to the iTC mailing list & the comments are at nowhere near that level! You can’t fool me!) If you fall into this category, there are a couple of other ways you can measure your progress. Have a look through the personal emails you sent around the time you started your iTC. What kind of things were you saying? How were you feeling? How does that compare to the last 10 personal emails you sent?

How else can you measure your progress? If you are ordinarily quite artistic or creative, you might like to compare the quality, tone & mood of what you were doing before you started the iTC with the kind of thing you’re producing now. Otherwise, have you noticed any breakthroughs in terms of your feelings about your life? For example, did you want to quit your job pre-iTC, but have since decided to stay on? Have you cleared out any toxic relationships? Are you attracting a new calibre of friends?

If you think about it, all of these things are good markers to help you chart your progress. Often when we’re making changes, we give up because we feel like nothing is actually happening. I know, for example, that sometimes I feel like I’ve hit a wall with EFT, & nothing has actually changed. Of course, it has — I am now a completely different person to who I was — but it just goes to show that being objective about our personal progression can be difficult at the best of times!

I hope this helps you draw a nice, clear picture of what’s been going on with you during the course of the iTC!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Raw Hot Chocolate

[ 1 May 2008, 23:14 ]

Cold temperatures are rife across the world at the moment, so here’s a raw hot chocolate recipe from Emrys Tetu, our official iCiNG Transformation Challenge sponsor!

For a rich raw chocolate treat you can enjoy any time, and especially for warming up on a cool day, try this deliciously easy hot chocolate recipe:

1/2 cup hot water (just heated to hottest comfortable drinking temperature, not boiled)
1 tablespoon raw coconut butter or oil
1 tablespoon raw wild honey, preferably local
1-2 tablespoons raw almond butter
3 heaping tablespoons raw cacao powder
1/2 teaspoon raw vanilla powder or 1 teaspoon other form of vanilla
Pinch whole sea salt

In a blender, combine the above ingredients until smooth, adjusting all to your palette’s preference. This makes a concentrated chocolate sauce, which you may then dilute and enjoy with others (it would be quite a lot for one person all at once!) or save in the refrigerator for use as desired. Before serving, thin the sauce by at least half with more hot water. I usually drink this at about 1 part the above recipe to 3 or 4 parts additional hot water.

By only heating the water to hottest comfortable drinking temperature the recipe remains raw, but is still satisfyingly hot chocolatey. Enjoy this healthy treat with my best wishes for your health and happiness!

Love,

Emrys

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Kink Under The Covers

[ 28 April 2008, 22:37 ]

“What would you recommend to spice up your sex life? I’m with a lovely guy who I trust (and who trusts me) implicitly. We have an enjoyable sex life but it’s so… meh. Two positions, totally plain. He’s also very inexperienced and quite submissive, so doesn’t feel he’s knowledgeable enough to bring up new ideas. And I, for once, am completely at a loss for inspiration! So one of my goals is to remedy this. Do you have any tips/suggestions/links/cupcakes that you think could solve, or at least enhance, my lacklustre love life? Indeed, if there’s a cupcake that could enhance it, I’d be more the happier!”

Absolutely! There are lots of things you can do to make your intimate life more sexy, exciting & stimulating! Here are a few suggestions. (By the link, practically all of the links that follow aren’t safe for work. Consider yourself warned!)

Buy a good sex book
It’s one of the best ways to fill your head with new ideas, while at the same time giving you a crash course in sexual health. (We all need reminders!) You might like to go to the sexuality section of your local bookstore & peruse the shelves; I often find that Borders has a huge selection of sex manuals as well as erotica. However, I have to say, my absolute favourite sex book is The Guide To Getting It On!, by Paul Joannides & Daerick Gross. It is truly awesome. It’s required reading at colleges across America, which you might think would mean it’s a pretty dry book. Not at all! It’s the kind of book you read for fun (or “pleasure”, mwahaha) — the writing is humorous, always interesting & thought-provoking. Any book with a chapter called “The Zen Of Finger F*cking” has to be good! Get your hands on a copy & read it with your boyfriend, enjoy the illustrations (they are racy & cool) & use some Post-It notes to mark things you’d like to try together! You might also like to look into some of Violet Blue’s books — she has written some fantastic stuff about fetishes, role play, porn & various sex acts!

Find a few good sex blogs
There are all kinds of things online that will appeal to you, it’s all about what floats your boat. You can experiment with erotica, pretty pictures, sex ed & the infamous Fleshbot. If you add one (or several) of these blogs to your RSS reader, you’ll get a steady influx of racy loveliness, which will definitely raise your libido & keep your mind ticking in a lusty manner!

Subscribe to a sexy/erotic podcast…
...& listen to it together in bed! Turn the lights down low, get scantily clad & see where the words take you! If you search “sex podcast” in iTunes, you’ll be presented with a slew of podcasts to digest & enjoy.

Watch porn together
I don’t mean that mass-produced stuff starring human Barbie dolls (well, unless that appeals to you!) — I mean the good stuff, & believe me, it does exist. I think Andrew Blake is a pretty great pornographer: what he does is more high-end erotica than terrifying close-ups & whatnot. For example, Dita Von Teese stars in Pin-Ups 2. Vivid Alt have some good titles, too. For more suggestions, Violet Blue is your girl — she used to review porn for a living! Check out her recommendations for what she calls “smart porn” — less long fingernails (eeesh!) & faux-orgasms, more genuine pleasure & realistic lovin’!

Write down your fantasies…
...on little scraps of paper, have your boyfriend do the same, then draw one or two out of a hat every week! You could even have little “dates” a few nights a week, where you make drawing a fantasy out of a hat a habit. Fun fun! If you have performance anxiety & can’t think of anything to write down, have a look at BDSM Scenarios: Ideas To Spark Your Sex Life.

Do a striptease!
Have your lover do one, too! (It’s only fair…)

Dress up…
...in a saucy outfit & let him have his wicked way with you (or vice versa)! Pretending to be someone else can really help if you’re feeling pressured to get it on & have an amazing time, etc. Boss him around or let him tell you what to do, & come up with outfits to match. Bonus points if you surprise him at the door wearing just your knickers under a trenchcoat, or jump out of his closet wearing nothing but one of his shirts!

Try getting it on in different locations
Sometimes a change of scenery is just what you need. Try messing around in your car, by the beach, in a forest, behind the stacks at your local library, in a cupboard at IKEA, or wherever works for you… just don’t get caught!

Go shopping
No, not for tomato sauce & a head of broccoli… for bedroom accoutrements! Handcuffs, Swarovski crystal embellished whips, toys, blindfolds, feathers, whatever takes your fancy! If you’re too shy to buy in person, Good Vibrations is a great place to start.

What are your best hints for making your sex life more saucy? Go on, spill!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Deciphering Your Cravings

[ 28 April 2008, 00:07 ]

This is a guest post from the official sponsor of the iCiNG Transformation Challenge, Emrys Tetu! (Applause!) She is a holistic health counsellor & wellness coach based out of Connecticut, & she makes my heart sing! I hope you enjoy this offering from her.

Hello, nonpareils!

Here is some extra love and support for each of you as you journey through this intense month of personal transformation! Whether your commitments to yourself during the iTC are focused around food or exercise or relationships or career or attitude and spirituality, here are a few reflections that may help you as you stretch and grow and discover new edges of yourself.

There’s nothing healthy about being miserable.

For many of us, this is so easy to forget. And it’s a wonderful test to use as you try new things. You can ask yourself, “Is this making me miserable?” If you find that it is, you’ll know that it can’t be quite right for you. This approach is excellent because it’s usually accompanied by an impulse to do something else. Instead of immediately dismissing this other impulse, explore it.

Often that which seems silly at the outset is exactly what’s required. So, for example, you may feel that…

You really don’t want to eat more salad, you want to eat more chocolate.

Although many of us would think that we should “make ourselves” eat the salad, there are probably good reasons you really want the chocolate. So, don’t dismiss those nice dark leafy greens completely, but do delve into what the chocolate craving is about!

Chocolate is the number one food source of magnesium, a mineral in which most people are deficient. Magnesium is crucial for brain, heart, and reproductive health. It helps strengthen bones and relieve muscle cramping. Chocolate is also an excellent source of antioxidants (again, highest natural food source), and many chemicals that react with the brain to improve mood, including theobromine, seratonin and dopamine. So it may be that your chocolate cravings are about a need to re-balance any of the above. (Chocolate quality varies wildly; any inclusion of refined sugar or dairy dramatically reduces its health benefits… my absolute favorite recommendation for highest quality, amazingly delicious, fully healthful chocolate that does not create insulin spikes and crashes is Gnosis Chocolate.)

A craving for chocolate may also be an indication that you aren’t getting enough rest and are looking for a pick up from a food instead of nourishing yourself with quiet time and sleep. It could be a craving based on a desire to regulate your mood, either because it is a comfort food for you or because of the way it alters your brain chemistry. Chocolate can also offer a bridge away from more intense chemicals like coffee, especially because it also offers deep flavors and a lift in energy.

I like to share this example, because people like chocolate, but we often think we shouldn’t. And when we realize that we’re allowed to like the things we like…

Sometimes the best things happen! This lesson transfers over to many other areas of life. Our cravings have so much to teach us!

Behind the surface of any craving is a complex network of memories, issues with self-acceptance and denial, and physical situations such as dehydration, low blood sugar, an excess of concentrated vitamins, and any of a number of other forms of imbalance. It takes time and attention to Lovingly unpack all that makes up a craving. Please be gentle here. The common approach of ignoring it is the least successful! Willpower doesn’t work, but working with lots of modalities together and having patience with yourself does. A support system is crucial, through a community group or a friend or a professional. Many have had success with wellness coaches such as Gala’s raw food coach, Karen Knowler, or myself (here’s what some of my clients say).

So, during this week of the iTC, get ready to enjoy your healthier, happier life! One bite of chocolate (or whatever juicy thing you allow yourself to explore) at a time! Celebrate this, your Best Life Ever…

Love, Kisses, and so much Encouragement,
Emrys

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Raw Coaching With Karen Knowler -- Part Two

[ 24 April 2008, 21:00 ]

Karen Knowler coaches Gala Darling (MP3)

Last night was my second raw coaching call with Karen Knowler, & just like last time, it was spectacularly helpful & eye-opening.

Things had changed quite a bit since we last spoke. In our first phone call, I was in the so-called “raw honeymoon phase” — really excited about the changes that were happening in my body & mind, experiencing an elevated mood & loving the extra energy. But since then, I had been to New Zealand & fallen off the raw wagon in a big way, & was struggling to get back on.

Our call went for 45 minutes, & we covered a lot of ground, much of it centred around working out why my enthusiasm was low & how I could get it back on track. She gave me lots of “raw homework” to complete, which was all amazing.

If you’re going raw as part of the iTC, idly considering it, or are already mostly raw, I think you’ll gain huge benefits from listening to our call. It was really interesting to me to discuss all my feelings about going raw, & then after the call, sit & think about what we had discussed. Everything she said made perfect sense, & it gave me lots of perspective.

Karen is a raw Wonderwoman, with infinite tools at her disposal. She should have a cape, with a big cabbage sewn on the back of it! & a parade! I am truly indebted to her for making my raw transition so much easier, for giving me lots of things to think about, & for helping me see my change in diet in a more holistic way!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Morals, Ethics & Integrity -- Where Do You Draw The Line?

[ 15 April 2008, 21:17 ]

“I recently got a 9-5 job on the phones at an insurance company. It’s never where I thought I’d be but I’m loving it. The people, the work and the attitude and values of the company I can really relate to. I also do some volunteer work for a soup kitchen where everyone there are vegan anarchists… some of them squat in abandoned warehouses, most vegan, they dumpster dive for food (as a political & ethical statement), most have a very idealistic and strong ethic about the way they live their life. So they have made little jibes to me about selling out… and the part of me that is a part of that world can’t help wondering if I am? I realise I have to pay the bills so it shouldn’t really matter but I’m just not sure what my own code of ethics really is and what is going against my system of values and what isn’t. In regards to the work you do I can imagine perhaps it comes up in being sponsored, money and potential jobs you get from iCiNG. Also with fashion, I tend to try not buy leather and definitely not fur but would be interested on your take on this. Also, buying fair trade and environmentally friendly. At what point do you draw the line? And how do you guide yourself ethically and morally?”

After your health, it’s said that the most important thing you have is your integrity, because once it’s gone — it’s gone. Along with the awful feeling of not wanting to look at yourself in the mirror, word spreads, & you might find yourself very unpopular all of a sudden.

So, what is integrity? Really, it’s about behaving in a way that you are proud of. It means that your morals are intact & that you don’t bend them on a whim. People who don’t act with integrity might do things they abhor for cash, say one thing & do another, or lie to their friends for a quick buck. The core of it really comes from people acting selfishly, as well as only thinking about the present & not considering the future repercussions.

Our beliefs — what we can call a “moral compass” — come from a combination of places. A lot of what we perceive to be right or wrong comes from what we’ve seen our parents or family do. After all, our family is our first example of what the world is like. Some conclusions we come to on our own, & we are also influenced by the society we live in as to what we think is okay & what isn’t. It’s all very subjective, which is why people on the other side of the planet sometimes seem to behave in a way that seems offensive or just plain bizarre. There is no definitive answer. What is right & what is wrong? Only you can answer that for yourself. (...Though if you really want to get into it, the Morality page on Wikipedia is a great place to start!)

So, having said this, & knowing how different people’s morals can be, I can understand that your friends might be finding it difficult to cope with what they might perceive as a sudden major shift in your personality & lifestyle. It’s said that the people around us impact us so much that our life becomes an average of the lives of the five people closest to us, & if all your friends are vegan, dumpster-diving anarchists, it makes sense that they would be surprised by your new direction.

You didn’t really write anything about your own beliefs, other than you feel like what you’re doing at your job gels with you, ethically, & that you do some volunteer work, so I’m assuming that your political stand-point isn’t something you’ve given heaps of thought to in the past. You probably have an innate sense of what’s okay & what isn’t, & you’ve followed that. But you know what? The amount of brain-power you’ve put into thinking about this doesn’t make you a better or worse person than your fellow volunteers — just different. I mean, honestly, I don’t give politics a lot of thought, because it has never really interested me. You might be the same way, & of course, that’s totally fine. I do think, though, that when it comes to morals & ethics & integrity, we all need to work out where we stand.

“If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything.” — Malcolm X

It’s all too easy to get swept away in a tidal wave of excitement & then realise, ‘I shouldn’t have done that’. It happens to people all the time. For some, it happens after a few drinks, while for others, as soon as they see a beautiful woman, anything they might have said in the past (& that ring on their finger) is all but forgotten. Those are but two examples. I don’t think anyone reading this could claim they’ve never done anything that compromised their integrity. & of course, afterwards, you have to pick up the pieces, which can be horrific for everyone involved.

When it comes to iCiNG, it can be a hard line to walk. I often feel that I’m blazing my own path, & as such, every day is a new adventure. It’s exciting, but it can be tricky! For example, I sell advertising, but I’m very picky about who I accept ads from. (You wouldn’t believe what people want to put on my site!) Often, people want to pay me or give me merchandise, thinking that I will mention their product or service & they’ll get a rush of sales. That happens on other sites, sure — some blogs these days look more like advertorial than anything else — but not here, & I think iCiNG is a better place for it. I won’t write about anything that I wouldn’t be happy to spend money on myself… & I’m a discerning customer!

The world is rife with opportunity for us to sell out, compromise our values & buy into someone else’s shady agenda. That’s why it helps to think about the big picture. So if someone offers you something, don’t just say yes because it flatters your ego — think about the likely chain of events afterwards. Sometimes the best thing to do is just not get involved, which can be hard. It’s important to learn how to say no.

I think a good guiding principle, though, is the No Assholes Rule. Crude, I know, but bear with me. What this means is that you make a decision — now — never to deal with or get involved with anyone who is an asshole. (I’m using the term “asshole” as a blanket term to mean anyone who is rude, callous, unprofessional, unethical, vile, disrespectful, etc. You can mix & match terms as you like!) Basically, the less assholes you deal with, the less chance there is that you’ll be tempted to compromise your ethics. Sometimes it can be hard to tell whether someone is cool or not, but trust me when I say that the more you listen to your intuition (your “gut”), the better your asshole radar will become. If your intuition is singing out “No, no, no!”, listen! & then act! A lot of mistakes & potential ugliness can be avoided by engaging this principle.

Coming back to morals & ethics, there are so many different battles going on in the world today, & it’s impossible to fight every one. You’d just end up bitter & exhausted. So it’s important to pick the causes that are important to you, & then do your best. For example, I don’t buy anything that has been tested on animals, & I do my best to support companies doing things that I agree with (Lush, for example, is really committed to buying fair trade). I prefer to buy from small designers rather than chain stores that mass-produce things — they often have questionable labour practices & of course, shops on the high street tend to contribute to that whole “fast fashion” thing, & produce enormous amounts of waste. I barely touch meat or dairy (& I won’t be anywhere near it as of Monday!), I don’t drive a car or commute, I don’t buy tabloids because I believe they are destructive & I also believe in a celebrity’s right to privacy (really!), etc. Those are all things that are important to me.

But then there are grey areas. Some people say we shouldn’t buy from big sports shoe manufacturers, because the labour conditions are horrible. & of course, any slightly compassionate person will agree. Then someone else comes along & says that if insert-shoe-company-here wasn’t employing these people, they’d be worse off than they are. Who should we believe? How should we behave? Only you can answer that for yourself.

So, how do we work out where we draw the line? I think a good rule of thumb, though a little terrifying to think about at first, is never do anything you wouldn’t want on the front page of the newspaper. It’s a pretty good way of gauging things, because it’s such a huge idea. ‘How would I feel if everyone on the planet knew this about me?’ But again, we’re all different. Some people would be okay with publication of a photo of them doing a line, while others would be mortified if their colleagues knew they jay-walked occasionally.

I think that, for the girl who wrote to me, there are a few questions she needs to answer.

Does she really agree with what her place of employment is doing? Has she done a bit of research & looked into it further than just how friendly her team-mates are? Insurance companies are notorious for acting in an extremely unethical way — is hers different, & if so, how?

Finally, do her friend’s opinions matter more than her own? In this case, they think she’s a sell-out, blah blah — but does it actually matter? No, it doesn’t. They have their lives, & she has hers, & she can only live for herself. It’s nice to hear what your friends have to say, but their opinion is no more valuable than the milkman’s. People are always going to say inaccurate, misguided or just plain screwed up things, because we all run things through our own filters. Our personal filters are affected by all kinds of things — upbringing, past experiences, feelings about the future — & so it helps to take what people say with a grain of salt.

Ultimately, all that matters is that you think about what you’re doing, on a grand scale, & you feel good about it.

(Where do you draw the line? What causes do you support? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.)

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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I Have A Crush On A Guy I've Never Met!

[ 14 April 2008, 22:22 ]

“I saw an interview with a man (not a celeb, just a random guy) in a magazine and I find him sooo attractive (I’m a love-at-first-sight kinda girl). The interview says he lives in the city very close to my village & is single. I googled, of course, and somewhere on the internet I found his email address but apart from that nothing important I think. I don’t think I can use it, it might be weird, no? But if I find his address, are there things I can do without looking like a stalker? Maybe drop a little note in his mailbox or something? Or should I just let it pass? I don’t know, I don’t have a lot of confidence when it comes to guys and he is 25 while I’m 19 so I don’t want look like a little girl…”

That’s so cute & awesome, & I think you should definitely approach him. After all, what is life without courage? But having said that, there are some definite tips to keep you from crossing over into scary stalker territory.

My first piece of advice would be to make contact via email. The reason for this is that it’s much less threatening. If he thinks you might have been lurking outside his house, well, that’s enough to make even the bolshiest brute feel a bit uncomfortable! Email, on the other hand, is much less intrusive, & at this point, you don’t really want to encroach on his personal space.

The other thing I’d say is that you should play it cool. Even though you may feel like you’re head over heels for him, take a moment to chill out. To make sure you don’t say the wrong thing, play a game of role reversal & then adjust your behaviour accordingly. Imagine receiving an email from someone who has seen you in a magazine & thinks you’re the cutest girl on the planet. You might be okay with him saying that, but if he started to get all, “I believe in love at first sight” & “So, I did some searching online & I noticed your house has a blue roof”, you might freak out a bit! Odds are good that you wouldn’t reply to him, & that his email would make good lunch-time gossip fodder for you & your girlfriends. He might even get a nickname, like, “The Email Freak”.

As someone who gets a lot of email all the time, some of which manages to successfully communicate a message & some which just doesn’t, I can tell you this much. The best emails are complimentary but not obnoxiously so, assume an easygoing rapport, & extend an offer of some sort. Here’s an example of an email that has all those elements, tailored to your situation.

Hi Karl, ^[1]

How’s it going? ^[2]

I’m writing to you because ^[3] I recently saw an interview with you in Slug magazine & something about you really appealed to me! Probably because of your clever answers! Oh — let’s just say it. The fact that you are devilishly handsome didn’t hurt, either! ^[4]

My name is Coco & I live in Taihape. ^[5] So, hello! I’m currently studying architecture at Moonman University, which I love. ^[6] I’m an occasional yoga instructor & eternal book-worm. (I just read a great book on nutrition by Marion Nestle, ^[7] it was so interesting, all about genetically modified food & the psychology of supermarkets. Sounds dull but it was actually amazing!) ^[8]

Anyway, I hope this email hasn’t weirded you out too much, I just thought you seemed cool & wanted to say hi. ^[9] It’d be great to get you know you better, so if you have a moment, drop me a line! ^[10]

Hope the rest of your week is fantastic! ^[11]

Coco. ^[12]

Email Decoder!

1. Say hello casually. “My sweet hunk of man-meat, Karl” would be a bit much.

2. Assume rapport — i.e., act as if you already know him.

3. Explain why you’re writing to him. Otherwise he might be all, “Who’s this crazy nut?” & rush through what you’ve written to try & find out why he’s got an email from you.

4. Use humour & be honest.

5. Introduce yourself but don’t be too stuffy about it.

6. Give some information about who you are — not too much, just enough to prove you’re not a serial killer.

7. Back up what you’ve told him with a bit of additional info. Make it something broad — for example, everyone has an opinion on food since everyone eats, so it’d be really easy for him to grab that topic & run with it.

8. If you think that the example you’ve used might sound a bit boring, you can always say you know it sounds boring but isn’t. It’s kind of a good fall-back position.

9. Nice & casual. It shows that you realise you’re doing an odd thing, but that you’re obviously not nuts.

10. Again, really casual. You’re not desperate for a reply, you obviously have a life, but if he’s keen, you’ve extended an invitation.

11. End on a positive note. People usually only remember the last thing they heard, so be sure to end well.

12. Don’t sign it “Love & smooches on your perfectly toned stomach”, tempting though it may be! Be cool!

Be yourself, & write it as if he’s already a friend of yours. This will help cancel out a lot of the awkwardness. Don’t be afraid to let your personality shine through either, but as this is someone you’ve never met before, it’s probably better to play it a little bit more conservative than you normally would.

Best of luck! We all have our fingers crossed for you!

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Get A Job At Lush!

[ 7 April 2008, 05:06 ]

“How do I get a job at Lush Cosmetics?”

If you knew how many times I’ve been asked this question, you would laugh! Seriously, there would be major giggling. You might even guffaw. So I figured it was time to answer it en masse rather than dishing out little tips whenever I get an email like this!

I worked at Lush a few years ago, & it was the only “normal” job I ever had that I actually enjoyed. I would wake up in the morning & genuinely look forward to the work day. That is high praise! I was there for about two years, I think, & graduated from sales assistant to shop manager in about three months. I left because I had finally had my fill of retail.

So, how can you get a job there? I’m not doing their hiring, so I can’t tell you exactly, but these are my thoughts on the matter.

First of all, in my experience the people who do best at Lush (& the people who get hired & promoted fastest) are the people with oodles of self-confidence (or at least the ability to convincingly fake it)! If you’re working in retail & you don’t really enjoy relating to people, you are going to feel pretty sour about it. You’ve probably noticed that if you go into a Lush store, everyone will say hello to you or try to make conversation. You might have seen the sales assistants singing along to the stereo, or the shop manager giving a hand massage to demonstrate a product. If you start working at Lush, you’ll be one of those people! You have to be okay with talking to everyone who comes in, rubbing products into their skin & holding thousands of objects up for customers to sniff.

Lush is really not a place for shrinking violets, the nervous or anyone who feels socially inadequate or anxious. It just isn’t. It won’t work. You’ll be miserable & you won’t sell anything & it will cause a huge chain of problems. If you are more introverted than extroverted & you still want to work for Lush, you might have better luck seeking employment on the production or administrative side of things.

The best thing you can do, as a potential sales assistant, is whip up a fabulous-looking resume (use great paper, colours & your artistic flair) & then walk into your closest Lush shop with it. Don’t just heave it across the counter & run out again. Odds are good that the person on the other side of the counter is the person who has the power to hire you, so appeal to them! Wait until they’re not flat out with a customer, & then talk to them. Tell them how much you looove the products. Say you’d be really keen to work there, & explain your circumstances (full-time, part-time, student?). Allude to the fact that you are a fantastic potential workmate, with a great sense of humour & a mean cupcake recipe. Smile & be confident, be outgoing & enthusiastic about the interaction.

You already know that first impressions count. Here’s an example. When I was at Lush & looking for people to hire, I would personally throw the vast majority CV’s straight in the bin almost as soon as the person’s back was turned — because they’d just skulked in, mumbled something & run out again. I wasn’t going to hire someone like that! What good would they be? So when you go in, turn on the charm. Know that the manager is thinking that if you can’t do it now, how are you going to do it for the customers?

Honestly, I think the best way to do it is befriend the people who work at your local Lush. Drop in every now & then, have a chat, buy something, talk about the new products & ask how their day is going. Gently remind them that you’re still keen to work there. Ask them to let you know if something comes up. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, & all that. If they have someone leave or they need someone extra over Christmas, & you are in the forefront of their mind, you better believe that they’ll give you a call!

If they really have no positions — & it happens, especially in small stores — swing by in September or October, in time to be hired for the Christmas rush. The best Christmas casual employees are very commonly offered part- or full-time positions soon afterwards.

The Lush interviewing process is pretty relaxed. Be yourself, be enthusiastic, demonstrate your product knowledge. (If you don’t know much about the products, pick up a copy of the Lush Times & start learning!) Lush use all natural products & a lot of essential oils, so if you know anything about that kind of thing, don’t be afraid to let your interviewer know it. A bit of prior retail experience is a bonus, too, but it’s certainly not imperative.

If you’re invited to come in & do some trial work — & I don’t even know if they still do this — remember to be confident! Approach as many customers as you can, even if it terrifies you, because if you can’t do that, there is no way they will employ you. Just go over to people & say, “Hi, how are you doing?” Smile & be friendly. One of the classic lines Lushies use is, “Have you ever been into a Lush shop before?”, because often people will say, “Um, err, no!” which gives you free reign to jump on them & pull them from area to area & demonstrate about a billion products. Anyway, if you whip that line out, you’re practically a shoo-in. Instant employment, wink wink!

While Lush is truly an awesome place to work, the majority of jobs they have on offer are retail, & so they pay retail wages. This can be off-putting for some people, especially those of us accustomed to a high standard of living! I eventually got to a point where I wanted to earn more money & not have to stand on my feet all day to do it, which is why I left. However, Lush do have bonus schemes, incentives, training & an amazing discount. It used to be 50% when I was there, which was fantastic. (The low cost of products also encourages you to use them so you can sell better.)

They’re a very ethical company — all their products are vegetarian, a lot of them are vegan & they are committed to fair trade practises as well as giving to charity. They get named as one of the top places to work all the time, so you’re in good hands.

Lush customers are a pretty unusual lot, & your relationships with them will be similarly odd. In most high street shops, you’re lucky to be on the receiving end of a curt hello. Lush is different. People are encouraged to pick things up & try them out, have a sniff & slap a bit on. This paves the way for some interesting interactions. How do you, for example, discreetly & pleasantly tell a customer that they have glitter or powder on the end of their nose? How do you help a man pick a gift for his wife (who is angry at him)? How do you talk to someone about their spots without making them feel ugly or self-conscious?

You get the drift. It’s an unconventional role in a very unconventional company, with its own unique challenges.

I had some amazing experiences there. There was, for example, the incident on Christmas Eve — the busiest day of the retail year — where my assistant manager came to work drunk. (Oh, I can’t tell you how thrilled I was! Grimace.) There was the incessant flirting with the boys from the record store around the corner. There were choreographed dance routines to Grease performed for customers. Some of us walked around with face masks on, & some of us just slathered ourselves with glittery massage bars before the day started. We succumbed to never-ending cutting & wrapping of soap (which I still miss doing), painfully regular stock-takes & extremely short-notice flights to Australia to meet the big man himself (Mark Constantine) & sample the newest products. I got used to people in the bus stop sniffing me & asking, “Have you been at Lush?” I even developed charming responses to those who asked if working there gave me a headache (I was asked this every day, & surely if it did, I wouldn’t have worked there?!).

The main reasons I loved working at Lush were that they award their staff a lot of responsibility (which is pretty much opposite of every other company, who seem to go out of their way to disempower you), I worked with great people, it was a fairly relaxed environment & I loved their products — which made selling them an absolute joy. Not like work at all.

Good luck!

Extra For Experts:
Lush job options — have a look at current roles in the UK.
Lush couple with a shed load of ideas — the Guardian article about Mark & Mo.
Rinse & Repeat — more info about Lush.

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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Weekly Resolutions

[ 6 April 2008, 22:47 ]

Forgotten what last week’s resolutions were? Tut tut! Have a look!

I’ve love to know how many of you wrote yours down & saw them regularly. Did it help you?

This week my goal-setting tip is to phrase things in the positive. For example, instead of saying “Don’t eat rubbish”, you might like to say “Eat delicious, healthy food”. The problem with the first sentence is that it really just drives that “eat rubbish” part deeper into our subconscious, reinforcing it & making it a larger part of our reality. If you say what you actually want, rather than what you don’t want, you’ll find that you are much more successful in getting things done.

Now, without further ado, my resolutions!

Get back on top of my health
As great as it was to get out of Melbourne & see my parents & friends, it played hell on my general well-being — as evidenced by my jaunt to Burger Fuel with Alex, the enormous dairy-laden bowl of iced chocolate I ate with a spoon yesterday, & the pâté on crackers I scoffed while watching none other than Girls Of The Playboy Mansion. Oh, the shame! The good news, though, is that now I’m home & it’s much easier to look after myself here. I have a routine — I know where my vitamins are, I drink litres of water with ease, & I can make huge salads with the wide range of things we have in the kitchen. Good stuff. So this week, my aims are to re-hydrate myself, eat lots of fresh raw vegetables & fruit, & replenish myself.

Think of 3 things to edit, add & appreciate
I just ordered Style Statement: Live By Your Own Design from Amazon & as I was reading the book description, I found the author’s blog. The idea comes from their most recent update. Basically, you work out one thing you’d like to nix from your life, one new thing you’d like to add to your life, & something to be appreciative of. (I already do quite a lot of that with Things I Love Thursday — though secretly I do my own version of TILT every day! — but you can never do enough of this stuff!)

Re-work my goals
This might end up being a bit of a follow-on to the previous resolution, but hey. Them’s the breaks! I seriously feel as if I’ve been away from the iCiNG Bowl for months — it’s so weird to be back! — & I really feel like I need to redefine what I want to achieve this month, this year, next year, etc. I’m sensing a return to decadence, fabulousness & excess… but time will tell!

What are you going to make real this week?

Love letters & feather headdresses,

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How To Increase Your Energy Levels

[ 1 April 2008, 21:11 ]

What can you do when you feel like an extra from Night of the Living Dead?

Have a coffee or energy drink
Now, obviously this is a short-term solution (as evidenced by the next tip!), because caffeine gives you a boost that doesn’t last — but if you have things you need to do & you feel like the walking dead, drinking a cup of coffee or your favourite bizarrely-flavoured energy drink could give you just the boost you need to finish things off.

Give up caffeine!
If you don’t know already, caffeine is bad for you. It dehydrates you, places unnecessary stress on your heart, raises your blood sugar, gives you crappy skin, bad breath, & causes a dependency. How many people do you know who just can’t function without coffee in the morning? Trust me, this is not the natural way of things! Humans have the inbuilt ability to be supremely productive without the aid of caffeine — shocking but true! Remember that coffee isn’t the only source of caffeine. There are also significant amounts of it in Mountain Dew, tea, Pepsi, Coke & chocolate — so if you can decrease your intake of those things, you’ll wake up feeling much better in the morning as well as being more productive & healthy overall.

Drink lots of water
When I guzzle water like mad, it works wonders on my brain. Most people are severely dehydrated; that’s a fact. When you’re at Burning Man (a fabulous festival in the middle of the Nevada desert), it’s really important to drink a lot of water. Gallons a day. When you go there the first time, they tell you that if you should never feel thirsty. You should be drinking enough water that you feel hydrated at all times, & if you leave it long enough that you feel thirsty, then you need liquids immediately. I kind of think that people in day-to-day life should incorporate this thinking too. I can tell you that when I drink water all day, I feel amazing & have energy to rival… I don’t know, someone energetic! I don’t drink to the point where I feel bloated, but I keep a huge glass next to my computer & I refill it multiple times a day. I drink from the glass whenever I think about it. You should give it a try — it will really amaze you.

Try a supplement like MSM or maca powder
There are a lot of weird so-called superfoods & life-changing supplements, but I tend to take the marketing hype with a grain of salt. Some things are good for you, sure, but some things you could go without & not notice the difference. However, two things that I have found are pretty incredible are the supplements MSM & maca powder. I can’t spout off the health benefits of either but I do know that they both increase my energy & add to a general sense of vitality & well-being. You can read about MSM on Give It To Me Raw & maca here. My suggestion is that you give them a trial period & get your own data points.

Take bee pollen
Bee pollen is often referred to as “Nature’s Multivitamin” because it is so nutrient-rich. Popping a couple of capsules is an excellent way to boost your energy levels. In fact, someone wrote an eHow article on it: How To Use Bee Pollen To Increase Energy!

Eat more raw vegetables & fruit
Eating a piece of fruit is the healthiest way to get an energy boost. Fruit has a low glycemic index, unlike candy, meaning the sugar is released into your system slowly. When you eat processed sugars, you get a sudden peak in your blood sugar & then a massive crash, which just makes you feel bad. Make a habit of buying your favourite fruit, whatever it might be — passionfruit, guava, pomegranate — & snack on that instead of chocolate-covered strawberry caramels with a gooey centre & five layers of nougat. You’ll feel better!

Get a good