The Ultimate Guide To Making Your Period Suck Less!
[ 12 April 2012, 08:52 ]
Periods. (Sorry, fellas.) Does anyone really enjoy them? I don’t think so. Even those super-grounded, patchouli-scented “Earth Mother” types who like to talk about cycles & the moon probably (secretly) become screaming PMS hellbeasts!
I know that I become a complete, walking girl cliche. I have been known to stand on line holding a tub of ice-cream, three fashion magazines, pimple cream & a box of “sanitary products”. I get REALLY REALLY MOODY & impatient with everyone. I feel the need to eat massive amounts of chocolate. I watch terrible romantic comedies (yes!!!) & sometimes (okay, often) get teary-eyed! OH, GIRL! I go all out!
With these things in mind, I thought the time was right to write about a selection of things to make “that time of the month” go a little more smoothly. How can we make it more relaxing & pleasant, & less stressful? I have some ideas!
1. Wear cute underwear!
I know it’s tempting to wear your rattiest knickers this week, but resist! RESIST! Sure, you need something comfortable, but wearing dreary underpants makes a sucky week even suckier.
Thankfully, I just discovered Harebrained Period Panties, & they crack me up! Featuring grisly cartoonish depictions of “Aunt Flo”, an evil beaver, “Raggedy Fran” & a gory unicorn, they’re a super-soft full-brief style which will have you in comfortable (if a little grumpy!) style!
It’s always nice to wear underpants that depict your emotional state, don’t you think?
2. Learn which foods to embrace… & which to avoid!
The bad news is that the foods you’re probably craving — sugar, salt, coffee & alcohol — will only aggravate your symptoms & make them worse. Mega-sad-face!
Here’s why to avoid those things. Eating sugar will make your blood sugar spike & crash, which will make you even MORE irritable. Salt will cause greater water retention, so if you’re already feeling bloated, a big bowl of french fries will make you swell up! Finally, caffeine elevates production of estrogen, which in turn causes even crazier PMS symptoms. It will also increase breast tenderness pretty considerably!
The good news is that there are plenty of great things you can eat which will actually make you feel BETTER! Check out these tips.
Eat more frequently! When you eat more regularly, it keeps your metabolism zipping along, which in turn gives you more energy & makes you feel good. This is true all of the time, not just during period week, so try having five little meals as opposed to three huge ones, & see if it makes you feel better!
Get your fill of Vitamin B6 & Vitamin C! Vitamin B6 is like a little miracle: it helps relieve premenstrual cravings, exhaustion, nutty mood swings, water retention & bloating. What a beaut! There’s a lot of Vitamin B6 in turkey, fish & chicken, nuts, bananas, potatoes & eggs. Vitamin C will help reduce symptoms too — you can get it from all citrus fruits, cranberry juice & brussels sprouts!
If you crave chocolate, eat RAW chocolate! Raw cacao is one of the #1 sources of magnesium, which is something we tend to crave. The problem with eating regular chocolate is that it has been so processed & messed around with that by the time it gets to us, it contains only a teeny-tiny amount of magnesium. Raw chocolate, on the other hand, is the real deal! You’ll get a mega-hit of magnesium, plus it’s rich & dark enough to be really satisfying. Nice one!
Drink plenty of water! Even though it sounds counterintuitive, since you’re probably retaining water like crazy, keeping yourself hydrated will actually make you feel a lot better. In fact, some of the reason you’re holding onto all that water might just be because you’re dehydrated! Guzzle some H2O & feel the difference!
If you get migraines, change what you eat! If I eat a standard American diet (this is known, somewhat ironically, as SAD), I get crippling migraines that render me 100% incapacitated on the second day of my period. However, if I make an effort to cut down on white bread, refined sugar & dairy, & choose to replace those foods with more vegetables, fruit, nuts, chicken or fish, I don’t get them AT ALL! It’s an immense relief to not be relegated to my bedroom, wanting to cry from pain & trying not to throw up on myself. I definitely recommend trying this if it’s something you have suffered from too!
3. Prevent spots & break-outs!
In the week leading up to & during your period, take extra special care of your skin. Aside from the usual things, like remembering to take your make-up off at night, here are some other things to try!
Eat foods rich in Vitamin A & D! They’re great for the skin & will help you avoid getting spots. Some excellent sources of Vitamin A & D include baby carrots (so good with hummus!); spinach (use it as a base for your salads); watermelon (juice it for the ultimate refreshing drink!); spices like red pepper, paprika, cayenne & chili powder; dried apricots (a fantastic portable snack); salmon & tuna; eggs & mushrooms!
Squeeze some fresh lemon into your water. It’s wonderful for your skin!
Keep some tea tree oil on hand. It’s an incredible natural antiseptic & antibacterial, so if you feel any blemishes coming up, dab a little tea tree oil on! It works about as well as 5% benzoyl peroxide, except it’s less harsh!
4. Shake that booty!
As tempting as it may be to spend four days curled up in a ball, watching re-runs of terrible old reality shows, you’ll feel so much better if you get up & move your body! I promise!
You don’t have to run a marathon or ride a horse along the beach like women in Carefree commercials… Even some easy, simple stretching will help marvellously.
My newest obsession is boxing. It’s immensely satisfying & definitely a good way to vent your frustrations (& let’s face it, this tends to be the most frustrating week of the month!). I even use pink boxing gloves! There are few things better than taping up your hands & punching away all your angst. You should definitely give it a shot!
Yoga is immensely popular too, & with good reason! There are many different types of yoga, from slow & easy to fast & brutal, so try a few variations & see which you like best. (I started out doing Ashtanga Vinyasa yoga, & it’s my favourite type!) My favourite part of the class, though, is where you lie down at the end & have a sleep under a blanket. It feels so amazing after giving your body an amazing stretch!
5. Utilise the power of essential oils!
They can make you feel so much better, no drugs required! You can add a few drops to a bath, put a couple of droplets into an oil burner, or you can mix essential oils with a carrier oil (like jojoba), & massage it into your temples!
When it comes to picking oils, bergamot & clary sage can help keep your moods more even, though if you just feel crabby in general, you can use some geranium. If you’re more bummed out than tetchy, try rose essential oil. Lavender can help relax you, while peppermint can relieve headaches (or upset stomachs). Grapefruit & lemon are great for bloating, too.
Additionally, Lush Cosmetics does an incredible shower gel (& perfume) called Flying Fox, which is loaded with anti-PMS essential oils! It’s pretty incredible, & smells phenomenal. Check it out!
6. Don’t do anything painful!
You probably already learned this one, perhaps on account of the somewhat painful results of trial & error… but in the week leading up to & during your period, you’re much more physically sensitive than usual! Even run-of-the-mill activities like tweezing your eyebrows can feel like torture!
I’d advise you to stay away from waxing, getting a tattoo or piercing, or even having your Calgel manicure scraped off! Leave your 6 inch heels in the closet, boo! Bust ‘em out when you’re feeling better!
7. Be smart about your sanitary items!
Go for all-natural, undyed, unscented cotton products as much as possible. Plenty of pads & tampons are LOADED with chemicals, & pads especially are often made of crazy, evil plastic which doesn’t breathe & can rub you raw! Yow! & honestly, who needs scented sanitary products? You’re not fooling anyone! All these things add up to equal a sad vagina, which none of us want!
Even if you use 100% cotton tampons, you’re still at risk for TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome). If you can stop using tampons completely, you might just find that your period is shorter — sometimes, two days shorter! Tampons are also known to make cramps worse, so if you suffer from hellish ones, consider ditching ‘em.
If you’re not terribly squeamish, you might want to consider a DivaCup or one of its competitors. I’ve never tried one, but the reviews are overwhelmingly positive!
8. Grab a hot water bottle… or a small animal!
Hot water bottles, heating pads & microwavable wheat bags can all be lifesavers around now. Put them on your belly, or lay ‘em across your lower back to help relieve muscle tension. If you can’t find any of these things, pets will do the trick too! It’s not too difficult to coerce Dolly into lying on top of me, or to get Hank to rest his huge head on my stomach! It helps so much, & makes me feel so much better! (Sort of related: Hahahah!)
9. Get dressed up, for at least one day!
Sometimes the very best thing to do when you’re feeling gross is to go in the other direction. If you’ve had it with lolling around in your tracksuit, if you’ve got cabin fever & you’re just O-V-E-R I-T, then it’s time to do something drastic!
Hop in the shower & wash away your grumpiness, then put on your favourite dress & go & DO something! See an art exhibition you’ve been dying to look at, or even go to the supermarket. It doesn’t really matter what you do, so long as you get all dolled up for the occasion. It will help remind you how gorrrrgeous you are, & that the MegaGrumps™ are only temporary!
10. Allow yourself to wallow a bit!
This is the opposite to #9, but sometimes a girl likes to do different things on different days!
Look, let’s face it, this week is the perfect excuse to buy yourself a new pair of sweats & spend some time lying down! It’s totally normal to be much more tired than usual, so if you feel like you need to get some extra sleep, don’t deny yourself! Put some fresh sheets on your bed, grab a book, & crawl between the covers. Get some rest, & you’ll feel so much better!
It’ll all be over soon… !
By the way, this piece on how to make your period lighter might be helpful for some of you!
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How To Survive Mercury Retrograde!
[ 12 March 2012, 08:46 ]
Oh, Mercury retrograde.
You are here. You have arrived on our collective doorsteps in all your messy glory. You are our dreaded but regular house-guest. You stagger in the door, kick over our furniture, leave crumbs all over the couch & hog the bathroom. Then, as quickly as you appeared, you disappear again, leaving us slightly stunned but much better equipped to continue with our own lives!
Okay, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, here we go. The planets are swinging around at all times, & their movements affect us all in different ways. All planets go retrograde, but Mercury’s journey seems to impact people much more than any other. (Even people who “don’t believe in astrology” often “believe” in the crazy aftershocks of Mercury retrograde!)
Why is that? It’s because Mercury rules communication, clear thinking, truth & travel, so when the planet goes retrograde — which means that it looks like it’s going backwards in the sky — all those things go backwards. They start to get ugly & tangle up. Mercury isn’t really going backwards, it’s just hanging out by the sun, but from Earth, that makes it look like it’s in reverse. It typically runs for a couple of weeks, a few times a year.
Check out these dates below & put them in your calendar!
In 2012, Mercury is retrograde from…
March 12th to April 3rd
July 15th to August 7th
November 6th to November 15th
Note: We sometimes start to feel the effects of Mercury retrograde a few days early. It’s nice to give yourself a bit of leeway on either side of the prescribed dates!
What happens when Mercury goes retrograde?
All sorts of things! It’s like everyone you know has suddenly gone mad! You might find yourself getting into bizarre arguments about nothing at all, being unable to finish sentences or barely even able to form a coherent thought. Your computer & other electronic equipment is more likely to go on the fritz. You could experience travel delays, too. Double-check your flights & take a book with you to keep you occupied while you wait for the train! We don’t tend to get all the information we need at this time, so it can be hard to make big decisions & it’s not always the best time to sign a contract, either.
Expect to hear super-loud complaining from your friends who are Gemini or Virgo, since both are ruled by Mercury! Mercury also rules a lot of industries like publishing, writing, editing, advertising, sales, public relations & anything to do with transport, like airlines, the post office & cabs! This means it can be particularly rough for Gemini train conductors & Virgo magazine editors, so be kind to any you know!
I often find that Mercury retrograde makes me want to go into hermit mode. I feel like half my brain is missing so I’m really not that interested in interacting with anyone, plus every conversation seems to go in an unusual, confusing direction. I feel much more irritable & frustrated & things just don’t seem to go how I want them to.
So that’s the bad news. Mercury retrograde can be a total kick in the teeth for those of us who normally pride ourselves on having our karmic shit together! The GOOD news is that Mercury retrograde provides us with lots of beautiful opportunities if we can just tilt our head & squint.
Mercury retrograde wants us to move back spiritually. It is providing us with a chance to re-examine various areas of our life which may need a little more work, so that we can move forward to a bright new dawn. Now, more than ever, the time is right to look at things with clear eyes. Delicious, fresh perspectives are revealed. We often have major breakthroughs — intellectual, emotional or spiritual — during this time.
It’s also a terrific period in which to tie up loose ends. So many of us have unfinished projects… Maybe that door just needs another lick of paint, or you’ll decide to put away your ex-boyfriend’s love letters once & for all. Having said that, this is also a time where it’s very common for old lovers, friends & acquaintances to get in touch! If you hear from someone from your past, get together with them & see what eventuates!
One of the best ways to cope with it — as with anything, really — is to just “go with the flow”. When you fight Mercury retrograde, that’s when life gets really ugly. Just take some time, go slowly, be careful, don’t freak yourself out by expecting to be uber-productive-perfect right now. Be good to yourself & the people around you, now more than ever!
surviving Mercury retrograde!
(Print it off & stick it in your diary or on your wall!)
Be sure not to take things too personally. People will often say offensive things they didn’t mean around this time, because their thinking is clouded & their communication skills are on pause! If your best friend suddenly became the most insensitive person in the world, give her the benefit of the doubt.
Back up your data!
Don’t purchase any big ticket items, because they will often have flaws or issues that you weren’t aware of! Of course, life doesn’t stop just because of wacky planetary movement, so if you absolutely have to get that car, computer or iPhone, TRIPLE-check all the paperwork, & make sure you have a warranty!
Take things with a grain of salt. Everyone is a bit confused, & people are much more inclined to change their mind once Mercury goes direct. Mercury can be a bit of a trickster — could it be that the next few weeks are a big karmic joke?!
Read the small print on any contracts. Ask lots of questions. Again, you can’t put your life on hold just because of some silly planet, but adapt your lifestyle a bit so that things run more smoothly. Communication can be a mess right now, but do your best to get as much information as you can.
Finish things you started a while ago. Home improvement projects? Wardrobe re-organisations? Short stories? Love affairs?! This is an excellent time to tie up loose ends & file things away forever.
Get together with old friends, reminisce & laugh!
Double-check any information you’re given, especially as relates to travel arrangements! During one particularly formidable Mercury retrograde, I actually caught a cab to the wrong airport! Check times, delays, baggage allowances, reservations… everything!
Allow Mercury to nudge you in unusual directions. If you seem to find yourself “back to the future”, don’t just try to wriggle out of it — look at what the universe is trying to show you. What can you learn from this situation? This is a fantastic time to re-examine, accept & move on.
Use the things you’ve discovered in the past to create a dazzling new vision so that you’re ready to blast ahead when Mercury goes direct!
Fingers crossed for the next few weeks, & best of luck to you!
Love & sanity,
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Radical Self Love Lifestyle Tip #2: Celebrate Everything!
[ 18 January 2012, 17:13 ]
The world is full of small wonders. Who can argue with the magnificence of baby teeth or big fluffy clouds? Who could deny the beauty of a pink convertibles, or a plane streaking its way across a blazing sky? There is so much beauty in small things, like discovering a stray sequin on the footpath, or finding a $20 bill in your pocket. What would life be without first kisses, & the first snowfall of the season?
These things are worth celebrating, & there are always more. Make it your duty to delight in the details.
Create altars in your home. Build devotionals to your charmed life. Decorate shelves & windowsills with photos, candles, flowers & little statues, & light matches every night. When you do, take a moment to think about your blessings.
Remember: When you feel stuck, ensnared, entangled & embroiled, you have a choice. You can choose to see the magic & the wonder — even though it might be difficult — or you can choose to focus on the problems. You’ll always get more of what you think about…
Choose to infuse your life with burning candles & birthday cake, whenever possible.
Photo of Christina Aguilera by Ellen Von Unwerth.
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When The Magic Fades & The Doldrums Set In: How To Avoid Becoming One Of THOSE Couples!
[ 10 January 2012, 13:15 ]
When you’re in a long-term relationship of any degree of seriousness, it’s easy for the magic to fade away. Repeated conversations about the regularity of your new puppy’s bowel movements, the seemingly unsolvable leak in the roof & profound discussions about the purchase of new appliances can suck the romance out of any pair of star-cross’d lovers!
What you really want to prevent, though, is becoming “one of THOSE couples” — the dreaded curse. It’s that feeling of being locked down into a relationship with someone who you love, but with whom the honeymoon is very much over. Comfort becomes routine, routine becomes monotony & before you know it, you’re spending every night together eating takeaways in front of the television. This is NOT living!
There are no excuses for your relationship to lack spark or fireworks. No matter whether you’ve been together for thirty years, or you’re planning on getting married, or you’re both feeling the sting of the economic downturn… All of these things are irrelevant. There is no reason why your relationship should make you want to go to bed early!
I am not an expert on this — I don’t know if it’s something anyone can be an expert on. Keeping the sparkle is an ongoing process & an exercise in daily improvement, as well as something the two of you need to do together. There’s no value in one of you trying to perform magic tricks for the other when your lover is more interested in playing games or hanging out with their friends! However, sometimes it just takes one of you to start making the initial improvements, & soon your sweetheart will catch on & follow suit.
Here are some ideas & suggestions for a relationship which is dragging its heels.
It’s so very easy to spend every night watching television. It’s right there, & many of us have been programmed to think that a night in front of the box is “the done thing”. I would like to propose that it should NOT be the done thing. Sitting next to your squeeze & watching television together is not bonding. It really isn’t. You’re sitting there, not looking at one another & not really talking. You might as well be on a bus beside a stranger!
Of course, if you want to start switching up the routine, this will require forethought & planning. If a large portion of your relationship has revolved around watching T.V. together, it might be tricky to remember how it feels to be spontaneous. Don’t worry, this is easy to fix!
Grab an event guide for your city or area, & either make a list or tear out the things which interest you most. See if you can strike a balance between the things which are more your area of delight & the activities which thrill your lover. Then go out & DO them!
I don’t mean to get all heteronormative on you, so apologies to my queer women in the audience — this paragraph may not apply to you. It has been my experience that men can be difficult to motivate, especially when you ask them to have an opinion about some kind of activity.
“Do you want to go out to dinner?” you’ll ask.
“Eh. Maybe,” they respond.
‘Useful,’ you think.
However, if you actually PLAN things & ask them to make the time available, it’s a different case altogether.
“We’re going to dinner on Thursday with Victoria & David,” you say. (Beckham, of course.)
“Okay,” he replies.
SUCCESS!
So try that one. It works!
How was the beginning of your relationship different to the way it looks now? Did you used to spend hours just making out? Did you have a shared interest that you both explored with gusto?
If there was something which brought the two of you together at the start, why not pick that back up again? Just because your patterns as a couple have changed, don’t lose hope. You can always alter a routine!
It doesn’t really matter why those things have fallen by the wayside, but what does matter is that you take action — IMMEDIATELY! — & start to change the course of your relationship. The longer you put it off, the sadder & more desperate you will feel about your situation. The actions you take TODAY could actually SAVE your relationship! So, organise something as soon as you’ve finished reading this article! Start making a list NOW of ways you & your partner could reconnect, & when you’re done reading, make it happen. Pick up the phone, Google that little bed & breakfast you heard so much about, make an appointment. Go Team Romance!
When you fall in love with someone, your brain chemistry goes crazy. Your brain gets flooded with dopamine & norepinephrine, & the effects last about 18 months. After that, though, the levels of these chemicals decrease, & so then you start to settle into that comfortable, relaxed phase. It’s sweet, & it feels good, but it can make you wonder what the hell happened to your relationship which once seemed so exciting!
The great news is that you can easily kick these chemicals back into production by simply doing something NEW together as a couple! It’s that straightforward!
This new thing you do doesn’t have to be dramatic, it just needs to be something you’ve never done before. Fantastically, the world is FULL of amazing experiences that you’ve never sampled! From radical new sex positions to jumping out of planes, from degustation restaurants to racing go-karts, there is literally NO limit to the fun & wonderful things you can do as a couple.
A good way to work out these things you could do together is to sit down & make a bucket list. I started one a little while ago, & it contains items such as, Ride an elephant which will give me a shower with its trunk & Visit Iceland! The point is, the activities can be as exotic & dramatic — or sweet & simple — as you like. So sit down with your sweetie & make some lists. Compare, contrast, then go forth & conquer!
This term is thrown around so much that it’s almost a cliche, but it is so true! You need to have a date night & you should make it mandatory. Non-negotiable! Once a week, every week, create a night that is just about the two of you.
I really do think that it’s a lack of special, focused, shared time which causes people to take one another for granted & forget the reasons they fell in love in the first place. Date night is an excellent way to regain all those things.
As with most things, this is an activity best shared between the two of you. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to organise the dates every week — after a while, you’ll start to feel resentful that you’re the one making all the effort while your beau or ladylove is the one who reaps all the benefits! You can arrange the first one, & your beloved can sort out the next one.
If you have children or rambunctious pets (!!!), see if you can have someone else look after them so that you can have uninterrupted “adult time”. Spend some time together & you’ll remember why you found your lover so dazzling, charming & appealing in the first place!
Firstly, let me clarify: this is absolutely not about changing who you are to “suit” your partner! They got into this knowing who you were, & if you start to shed all the parts of your personality to become who they think they want, they might realise they actually liked you as you are…
No, this is more about being considerate & thoughtful. For example, I am not very domesticated. (Understatement.) I don’t cook. I hate to do the dishes. I don’t vacuum very often & sometimes I leave food dishes on my desk. It makes my boyfriend — you know him as The Dish, but his name is actually Michael — crazy. He likes a clean house. I understand this.
Now, I can defend myself all I like. “I work from home! I’m WORKING! I don’t have time to clean! I’m deep in thought, I’m busy being BRILLIANT, I can’t do these menial things you ask of me!” I can spout off whatever old shit I like. But ultimately? I just need to clean up after myself. Would it kill me to take the garbage out when I notice that it’s full? No, it wouldn’t. So I need to just DO it. It reduces the stress on our relationship, it makes my boyfriend feel less like my maid, & I don’t have to deal with him nagging me about it. We all win.
What is something you do which makes your partner froth at the mouth? Is it something you could change? Are there are tiny, incremental, teeny-tiny adjustments you could make which would make your lives happier? There probably are. Give it a shot. See what happens.
When Mike & I cancelled our cable television subscription, it quickly became one of the BEST things we have EVER done for ourselves as a couple. Suddenly, we were sitting on the couch FACING one another, & talking, as opposed to facing forward & letting the advertising trickle all over us! We were laughing & talking about important things, & getting in some real “quality” time. It was so great!
Basically, I am all for anything which removes the barriers to conversation. I love to go for long walks with him too, because the activity lends itself so well to excellent dialogue. There’s plenty of stimulus, you’re getting some exercise, you’re filling your lungs with fresh air & all the blood pumping around gives you flashes of inspiration & brilliance.
If I had my way, we wouldn’t have a television at all… But for now, the reduced amount of time spent watching it suits me just fine.
Taking a class together — or just learning how to do something as a couple — is a fantastic way of strengthening your relationship. It also keeps things fresh & interesting!
Learn how to cook Italian cuisine, renovate your entire apartment, start a small business together, organise to bring your favourite group to town & put on a concert… Whatever it is you want to do together, just do it!
You discover so much about one another when you’re both starting out as beginners. It can be very revealing & puts you both at a place of vulnerability, which can be rare. There will be stumbling blocks & challenges, but ultimately, it should bring you closer together & give you both a sense of renewed purpose!
With any problem, it can be really helpful to get extremely specific about what it REALLY is that bothers you. This is something I learned when I started practicing EFT — the more specific you can be about a problem, the easier it is to solve. While you can absolutely use EFT to help with relationship problems, learning how to be really precise about an issue makes it about three trillion times easier to solve.
So, if your relationship is feeling stagnant & muggy, work out exactly what it is that’s upsetting you. Is it that you feel like you’re spending too much time at home? Is it that you only ever go out together & you never get any alone time? Is it that your time together is always spent with his friends or only indulging his interests? Is it that you feel like he doesn’t show enough interest in your life? When you can get specific about what it is that you think is missing, you can take steps to resolve it.
I always find it easiest to nut out my problems when I can put them on paper. I have had some massive realisations just from writing letters I never planned on sending — it’s simply the way my brain works best. We all have a preferred problem-solving technique. You might have all your best ideas in the shower or while working out. Regardless, once you’ve worked out what the real issue is, devote some time to thinking about how to solve it.
While you can talk to your friends about it, I often find that that muddles my thinking. They can only speak from their own experience, after all, & while sometimes that can be valuable, the older I get the more I realise that I already have all the answers inside me anyway. Listening to your intuition — & even further than that, actually ACTING on what it’s telling you — is so valuable, & it will never steer you wrong.
It’s always best to start off with a conversation with your lover. Let them know what you think is missing — & phrase it in a way that is less, “You did this wrong!” & more, “I think we could work on this!” See where it goes from there.
I already went over this, but I’ll say it again because it’s important to me. My definition of spending time together is actually doing things while LOOKING at one another & talking! So, by that token, watching television together is not spending time together. You may be sitting next to one another, but the other person doesn’t really need to be there in order for the experience to occur. Do something which actually requires interaction!
It probably wouldn’t kill either of you to take a day off work & spend a day doing things together. NOT running errands, NOT cleaning the house, NOT feeling obligated to go to the bank/post office/whatever. Go out & have an adventure!
As wonderful as it is to spend quality time with your paramour, it can be extremely strengthening for the relationship to NOT spend every hour of every day together.
Having separate interests & lives is so important, & can really help the two of you get along. It also helps give you perspective! Your boyfriend may be driving you nuts, but a few hours spent with your best friend & her new love interest may give you renewed appreciation for the woman or man waiting for you at home!
When couples get together, typically the time they spend together increases & increases, until it gets to the point where you’re seeing each other EVERY night & not doing much else. Once that becomes routine, regular & expected, the dazzle starts to die down. The sizzle is less… scintillating. You start to look at each other & get a bit, Is that all there is?
So, GO OUT! ALONE! Remember that yoga class you loved? Or that book club which forced you to use your brain in new ways? How about those French lessons or the afternoon tea dates you used to have with your aunt? Revive those things! Go & do the things which make you happy. Get out of the house & learn how to enjoy your own company again. Your relationship will be so much better for it!
It’s my belief that relationships are about a million times more fun & satisfying for everyone when you’re having exciting sex — & often! There are reasons you’re together, after all, & one of them should be that you find each other attractive! (If you don’t, you might as well just be friends! Right?)
It can be easy for sex to fall by the wayside, especially when you’re both working hard, you have children, you’re stressed out about the problem du jour, etc. etc. etc. But I don’t believe in excuses, & I think instead of spluttering around the topic, you might as well just take your clothes off & have a good time!
If sex has become a bit boring or routine for the two of you, there are lots of ways you can spice it up. Introduce sex toys to your playtime, put on a saucy costume, drop some dirty talk or just decide to get it on in a new location. Buy a great sex book & go through it together. See what interests you! You might be surprised.
Some of my favourite sex books are The The Guide to Getting It On, Sex Is Fun!: Creative Ideas for Exciting Sex & Moregasm: Babeland’s Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex! I promise that they will not disappoint!
From singing each other songs in the supermarket to misbehaving at someone else’s wedding, there are a million ways to bring some vim back into your everyday life. You’re friends, after all, so act like it! Life doesn’t have to be serious all the time!
Falling back in love doesn’t have to be expensive or difficult, either. Even if you’re both unemployed, your city is full of fantastically cheap (& even free!) things to do. Looking at the stars costs nothing. Going for a long walk & making out on a wharf is free. Holding hands & talking about your future is… Yeah, you get the idea!
It can even be helpful to rethink the way you interact & speak to one another. Nothing could be more boring than speaking to each other as if you work together. Why not re-instigate the tried & true technique of FLIRTING? Put the monotone out to pasture, & give sultry a spin! Wink! Flip your hair! Pretend you’re in a Victoria’s Secret commercial if you have to! You are a gorgeous, sexy thing! Show it!
Something that can really keep a couple together — & help you through the less-than-thrilling times — is having a shared goal or purpose. Maybe you want a big house & a family, or perhaps you want to start an animal shelter together.
Whatever it is, don’t just get caught up in your daily responsibilities & the average humdrum. Talk about what you want to achieve together in the future, & work out plans so you can make it happen. Take steps towards your dream & set new goals when you’ve triumphed over the old. Celebrate your progress!
Keep your eyes on the horizon & work together to make your dreams a reality. There’s no better feeling!
When my man comes home from work in the evenings, he is exhausted from dealing with people all day, & generally just wants to chill out. When I finish working, I have been alone all day, cooped up in the house, & I wanna go OUT! I want to get dressed & go out for a meal. Sometimes, he can’t think of anything worse. So you have to be sensitive & thoughtful about it, & you can’t (or shouldn’t) force anyone to do what they don’t want to do.
If you’re a party girl & your lover is more of a retiring type, you may have to just suck it up & go out without him or her. Take your best friend instead! Your life doesn’t have to stop just because you have divergent interests.
Your differences can be the glue which holds you together. One of the reasons I love my husband so much is that in some ways, we are polar opposites. He is extremely rational & grounded, where I am a bit floaty & silly! We balance one another out — I remind him not to take life so seriously, while he keeps me accountable & on track! We appreciate one another in that way.
If we were both exactly the same, we would surely drive one another crazy! Learn to accept your lover for who they are, & your life will be much more peaceful!
Life can be frantic & fast-paced & sometimes, the time we spend together just feels like a brief respite before moving to the next thing on our ever-growing to do list. But it can be really valuable, even healing, to spend some time together where you breathe deeply, soak in the moment & put your responsibilities on the back-burner.
Never stop making the effort. Love is worth fighting for!
P.S. How To Make Your Relationship Succeed… Or Fail is brilliant! Have a read.
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In Praise Of Calling It Quits: What To Do When You're Burned Out, & How To Get Your Spark Back
[ 5 January 2012, 12:57 ]
Burned out. Exhausted. Empty. Apathetic.
Drained. Hopeless. Totally effing over it. Hit the wall. Sick of it. Breaking point. The last straw. Done & dusted.
Everyone has a limit. What should you do when you reach yours?
Some people will tell you that you need to KEEP PUSHING at all costs. They’ll trot out every cliché in the book: It’s better to burn out than fade away. Fake it ‘til you make it. Work your fingers to the bone. They’ll say that if you don’t do these things, then you might as well walk away. You’re a failure. How could you? We’re so disappointed in you. You could have been so much more.
I call bullshit. If you wanna get that spark back, try this instead…
1. Embrace your true feelings. If you feel exhausted, TAKE A REST. If you’re sick of working on something, TAKE A BREAK. If you feel burned out, DO SOMETHING ELSE. This is not rocket science — it’s very obvious. When you’re tired, you go to sleep, right? Yet when it comes to work, projects & relationships, somehow we keep denying ourselves what we need. You can’t race around at 500mph all the time.
What we resist, persists. The more you think about how much you despise something, the more of it you notice. You simply cannot rail against something & expect it to improve. If we keep telling ourselves we hate something, but we keep working away at it, we’re only going to attract more unpleasantness into our lives. How could things possibly get better from this point?
No heavenly being is waiting at the end of the line, giving out awards for sadomasochism. Give yourself a break.
2. Continually plugging away at something which doesn’t light your fire has never — & will never — inspire anything wonderful. It just creates mediocrity, & the world doesn’t need any more of that. Better to take a break & come back to things once you’ve filled your soul back up.
How to fill your soul up: Get out of your house. Go somewhere else. Take a train. Spend some time in a library. Visit your friends. Get some sleep. Volunteer your time. Cancel all your so-called obligations. Use your hands. Redecorate. Clean out your closet. Plan a holiday. Read a huge stack of books. Take dancing classes. Call your mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, best friend. Spend hours in cafés, watching people. Do a juice cleanse. Go to the movies. Meditate. Go on a retreat. Wait it out.
3. Put simply, radical self love means not pushing yourself to the point of immune system failure.
Take care of yourself. This means fleeing an abusive relationship, leaving a soul-sucking job, & kissing your horrible friends au revoir. You are worth more.
4. If you’re sick of something, you have two choices. You can bury your head in the sand & keep pushing forward, or you can use this as a chance to investigate what isn’t working for you. Maybe the project isn’t in alignment with your values. Maybe it’s not interesting to you anymore. Or maybe you’ve just been doing it too long.
Either way, when we look at what isn’t working, we can learn so much about ourselves, our values & what is really important.
5. Why are we so afraid to say no? Why are we so scared to come back to something later? Do we think that in that short amount of time we’re gone, we’ll be forgotten about? (Baby, you are unforgettable.)
Sometimes a break is just what you need. Maybe in that week, month, or year off, you’ll discover something which will totally reinvigorate you. Maybe it will inspire you to take it up again with a brilliant new spin.
I quit a project last summer. I felt like I’d been kicked in the teeth; it was hard. I was so surprised by the outcome that I dropped the whole thing. It has taken me six months to want to get back on the horse again, & this time, I’m doing it with renewed vigor, an expanded vision of what it will be, & a badass attitude.
6. Taking a break from a project or a person or a piece of work doesn’t mean it’s over. It doesn’t make you a failure or a flake. Perhaps it’s just not the right time. Good things need to gestate properly. Nothing is ever over until you say so.
7. Having said this, maybe if you take a break, you’ll never go back to it. You know what? If this happens, that’s okay! In fact, that’s GREAT! It simply opens up more space for better opportunities, more magic, & even greater serendipity. It creates room for that thing you’ve been desiring with a burning passion.
8. The world is gunning for you to succeed. We want you to be brilliant! Don’t be paranoid or afraid. Don’t be scared that while you’re taking a break, someone else is going to jump up & take your place.
In this world, there is no competition, no race; that’s just in your head. There is enough room for all of us to be happy, successful & utterly incredible. Scarcity thinking is what got us into this mess in the first place!
9. I think if we look at our lives honestly, ALL of us have something we should quit. We all have things that we do because we feel like we “have to”, & this is nonsense.
Whether it’s a friendship, a part-time job or a series of obligations, life gets better when we commit ONLY to what we TRULY love & desire.
10. You have permission to step back, let go, walk away. This is the yes you’ve been waiting for. Yes. It’s okay. You are allowed.
Sometimes we have to go to the other side of the world to find our spark again; sometimes, we simply have to cross the street. The point is this: you won’t discover your magic, your truth, by chaining yourself to your computer & stubbornly working away. You will only find it when you seek it.
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