Being The New Kid
[ 27 August 2007 ]
“I’m 15 and I’ve lived in the same small rural town since 1st grade! My family’s moving a few hours away to be by my grandpa (he’s sick) and I’m going to be plopped into the middle of a big (to me haha) city high school that’s twice the size of my old one… I’m kind of nervous as I’ve never been a “new kid” before. So how do I make friends and deal with the first few days when I don’t know anyone and am sitting alone at the lunch table? I’m not sure how to deal with leaving all my friends behind.”
I don’t know whether saying this will make you feel better or worse, but trust me, this is not a problem that only occurs when you’re in school. Any time you move — whether that’s cities, houses or jobs — you will face this problem. The good news is that once you know how to deal with it, you’ll have a plan of attack for the next time, so it does get easier!
I never moved town as a child. I moved house once — just down the street! I remember walking the distance, holding my Santa bear & my mother’s hand. It was quite exciting, really. I changed school once too, when I was 12. That was pretty scary. There are so many things to contend with that it’s hard to feel good about it straight away.
However, there is a major bonus to moving city/school/job: it’s a blank slate. No one knows who you are, or where you’ve been, or what you’ve done. If at your old school you were known as the prom queen, or the chess champion, or the really quiet girl, or the class clown, you have the opportunity to remove that from your history altogether. You can be whoever you want. If you’ve always wanted to be confident, athletic, intelligent, well-spoken, popular, friendly or thoughtful, this is your perfect opportunity to become that person. All you need to do is decide that that’s who you’re going to be. You might find it difficult to “be” that person sometimes. A good trick is to think of someone who personifies those traits, or who you want to be like, & then ask yourself what they would do in that situation. (At the moment, my person to think of is Madonna, but your mileage may vary!)
When I moved to Melbourne, I really appreciated the opportunity for a new beginning. I had changed my name a few months beforehand, & it was incredible to introduce myself as “Gala” & be called that straight away, & have no one calling me my old name by mistake. It seems like such a small thing, but it really helped emphasise that I truly was beginning a new stage of my life!
You’re never really going to know in advance what your new school/job/city is going to be like. You might hear rumours or stories, but that never gives you a true picture — not to mention, everyone perceives things differently! All you can do is take it as it comes!
Other than that, here’s how to make the most out of your situation:
Be yourself as much as possible. Trying to change to “fit in” to a group of popular kids is always a waste of time! (Not to mention, it’s the misfits who have the most fun…)
Take the opportunity to create a really positive impression. You might have had a science teacher who had it in for you back home, but things don’t have to be that way! Start fresh.
Be nice to people! When people speak to you, make the most of the situation. Smile, make eye contact, & ask them questions — if you do, people will think you are a fantastic conversationalist. Ask people what they think of their teachers & school if you can’t think of anything else to say — everyone has an opinion on those subjects!
Don’t take it too personally if people don’t warm to you straight away. Sometimes it takes time to meet people who you really connect with. I’ve lived in Melbourne for almost a year now & it’s taken me much longer to make friends than I thought it would! Realise that friendships take time to build & if they don’t, it is not because you’re flawed — it just wasn’t meant to be!
Remember that you are probably not the only “new kid”! There will be other people in your school in the same position — & everyone was a “new kid” once! We all eventually get past the hurdle of everything being unfamiliar!
Get involved in your new city! Exploring a new place is really fun. Find a cafe you like, go window-shopping, visit art galleries & museums & parks. Take up whatever activities you used to do, or start something you’ve always wanted to try, like ballet, yoga, playing piano or circus classes! Getting involved in activities is a great way to meet new people.
Don’t feel like you are being tragic if you cry when you leave your home for the last time! I have moved city twice & both times I went to the airport blubbing! Uprooting your life is hard work & it’s completely normal to feel sad, distressed, confused or irritated by the whole thing. Don’t punish yourself for having feelings, & know that any angst you are feeling is temporary & will lift.
Keep in touch with your old friends from home. Given the distance, things will naturally change, but that doesn’t mean you should never speak again! Send emails & packages. I often think that one of the best things about moving is that you start to receive really great mail!
Start creating an environment that makes you happy. For me, this means sticking up the pictures I like, plugging in my stereo, putting my pink-striped sheets on the bed & hanging up fairy lights. It is always wonderful to have somewhere beautiful & relaxing to come home to!
Good luck to you, sweetie-pie! I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself & make some marvellous friends!
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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I remember being completely terrified on my way to university for the first time. The thought of meeting all those people who were total strangers to me was so intimidating! My mum just sat me down, and gave me a hug, and told me that all those “strangers” were just friends I hadn’t met yet. And actually, just by altering my perception of them from “strangers” to “friends to be met” really helped me settle in. Now, whenever I find myself in a situation like that (which is often!) I just tell myself that I am surrounded by “friends I haven’t met yet”. Just by changing your own mindset can make others seem so much more approachable! Great advice, Gala, btw! I particularly like the point about how being the “new kid” can be an opportunity for a fresh start: to become the person you always wanted to be. How liberating!
Great tips Gala. Moving can be stressful, and it’s good that you’ve helped to make it a positive experience for one of your readers.
What made you change your name? Did you change your whole name or just your first name? What was your original name – or is it a secret?
perfect timing! i started a new job today!
Amy Paiko — Your mother sounds awesome. That’s such a great way of looking at things! Have you inherited her fabulous perspective?
CatherineL — Thanks :> I changed my whole name (first, middle & surname) last year, mostly because I felt that the name I was given at birth was pretty meaningless. It was generic & I didn’t feel like it really represented who I was at all. The name came to me in a dream & I instantly fell in love with it… so!
grace — Ooh! What are you doing?
I certainly think she’s a very special person, Gala! And I like to think that I’ve inherited her perspective of life. She is a very optimistic, creative person who approaches life with grace and joy. Even when these attributes don’t come naturally to me, I certainly try and aspire to them! One of the reasons why I so enjoy reading your blog is that I see these qualities in you through your writing. Inspiring and aspirational.
firstly Amy Palko…. I am in that each same situation right now! I’m freaking out because I’m moving away to go to uni in like the next week or so! You mums advice was amazing… I wish mine was half as good as that! All she said was “Oh you’ll be fine. don’t panic” Not exactly reassuring, eh?
Secondly Gala! I love you more than lambkin (my thread-bare stuffed sheep I’ve had since i was a baby!)right now. The “Fresh Start” advice got me thinking. This is my big opportunity to really be myself without the speculation and criticism of small town folkal. I’, moving into a City to go to a specialized Art college with like minded Art-y types… Surely They will understand my need for Bright pink hair and an “Out-there” style!
yipee for a fresh start,
The (soon to be) New kid!
I moved from a small private school to one of the biggest public High Schools in Florida (my grade had over 1000 students). I then went to one of the biggest colleges in the state. I’ve also changed jobs several times over the years and moved cities 4 times.
It’s hard and it really sucks at first. I think it you acknowledge that and are mentally prepared for it, it helps. Know you are going to cry and be sad and question yourself and hate where you are. But also know that things WILL change for the better. You WILL get used to it and you WILL be happy. There is a light at the end of the tunnel because everything changes.
It also helps to have a book around for when you need to find place to eat your lunch. I can’t tell you how much I read.
Plus now I have a great vocabulary!
Luv
Poochie
http://shoedaydreams.blogspot.com/
http://bubblegumplastic.blogspot.com/
I went through a similar situation – I moved from a school that had 24 students in the whole school (!!!) to one that had several hundred. It was a major culture shock. I rather wish I’d had this article for reference then!
Great advice, Gala. I think it’s definitely to do with your mindset – aproaching things in a positive headspace will make a world of difference. Best to think of a new school or town or job as an adventure!
Amy Paiko — Isn’t it great when you get to the age where you realise your parents have lots of positive qualities & you can choose which ones you want to bring out in yourself & which you want to banish?!
Nicola — Awww! I love you too cutie! I’m so happy this has helped you see your move in a new light. Bring on the pink hair & crazy shoes! Good for you!
Poochie — 1000 students?! My entire school only had 700 girls in it! Wowww. I guess things like that are the difference between New Zealand & America, haha…
Nadia — I agree. If you manage to regard EVERYTHING as an adventure, then you’re really doing well…
hey Nadia your not alone on the small school thing.. My primary school had in and about 30 pupils in my whole time then.. then we moved to secondary and there was like 800 of us there was a big “Whoa” Factor…. but you settle in evertually i guess…
Gala – I know that you don’t want to share your former name, but may I ask what your new middle name is? With a great name like Gala Darling, you must have some super delicious middle name too! (Mine is Alexandra, which is pretty, but doesn’t feel like me at all! I could never go by that name.) *
Lesley — Lumière ;D I love it so much I almost can’t believe I came up with it, haha! & as the days tick over, the more I believe ‘light’ is the perfect middle name for who I am now, & what I’m doing… so I’m pretty happy about it!
I wish this helped as much as it helped other people! )): Good advice for new students. Makes me wanna move. Again!
I moved last year half way thru the school year and I’ve successfully made at least ten enemies that are making sure no one talks to me.
Kids are seriously cruel. Can’t wait to graduate in 2010.
I’ve always heard that kids that are popular in high school end up having a rough time after graduation, though. Bonus for me~
Thank you so much for posting this. I am transferring schools for my senior year and reading this was exceedingly helpful. Now I can’t wait to get started fresh!
I’ve been the new kid many times. (Moving from Alaska to Florida in 6th grade, switching from a private middle school to a public high school, going to university, and starting at a new job). From my experience, you just have to talk to people and at least ask if you can eat lunch with someone. If they say no, you haven’t lost anything because you weren’t sitting with them anyway and if they say yes then you get to meet all of the people they know.
Now, these days, I always like to acknowledge new kids because I know how hard it is and that it’s nice when people are interested in you.
Fab advice. I’ve been the new kid several times. It can be exhausting, but as a result I have friends from many different stages of my life.
The only advice I can add to Gala’s wonderful list (which was basically implied…but I can’t help but reiterate!) is to not be afraid to ask questions. I know I always have this worry & expectation of myself to know where everything is automatically …when in fact, it’s easy if you cough that up in the beginning. It can also be a great opener to meeting people. “Hi, I’m new….do you know where _________ building is?” etc. That & joining a team or group that coincides with you interest.
Such good advice, Gala. I have moved more times than I care to keep track of, and although it was hard, I think it made me a much more open human being… that said, I do think it gets easier with age, once you realise that the people you really WANT to keep in touch with, WILL (usually) keep in touch with you. Anyway, I love the positive spin you put on it – be the person you want to be – that’s SO great. Makes me wish I had known someone like you when I made my first move at the age of 10!
Lumière is a beautiful name! Congrats on having the courage to go forth and change that part of your identity. It’s awesome to see someone that knows who they are and does anything they can to share that with the world. *
gala lumiere darling is such a fantastic name and it suits you so well…that is so brave. i would be afraid my parents would kill me if i changed my name!
if i ever cut off contact with most of the people i know and move far away i just might do it. it would be pretty sweet to have my perfect name on my driver’s license.
Great advice Gala!
When I started college, I was amazed at how different people received the same me!
In grade school and high school I was the weird misfit. In uni, that same odd girl, was the cool different woman and ever since I have been much more popular at university, college and work.
A fresh slate to set a different spin on the same you is such an amazing chance I wish I had at a younger age. I always dreamt of my family moving away from my neighborhood so I could be popular instead of excluded.
Thanks Gala!
I’m going through the new kid thing now, with starting my new job and school.
School is pretty much ok now though, there are only 17 of us in the class (cosmetology school!) so we’re all getting to know each other pretty quickly.
As for the job (salon apprenticeship)...I hate that one. Eek! I’ve only been in one day so far and it’s like, the other people in the salon like me (i hope!), aren’t sure about me, or are too stuck up to really take the time to get to know me. (I figured this out in about 20 minutes of being there.) Oh how I dread this coming Friday.
Gala’s advice is absolutely fabulous… I wish I’d known all of this when I changed schools in jr. high… here are tips for “new kids” based out of my own experience…
Really make an effort to connect with people. People love to be pursued in a friendly, non-creepy way. As long as you don’t act too eager or desperate, people will probably like the fact that you want to be around them and that you’re willing to make an effort. When you meet people who seem interesting, offer to exchange phone numbers or email addresses or something, and then contact them within the next three or four days, so that they know you care to get to know them.
As far as not sitting alone at lunch? Keep an eye out for friendly-looking people between classes and such. If you see them at lunch, just say, “Hey, you mind if I sit here?” It’s up to you whether you want to sit with someone you’ve already met or someone you’d like to meet but haven’t yet. It’s a good idea to go for a table that has at least three people already sitting there- if there’s only one person, you’ll feel put on the spot; two people could completely exclude you; with three or more, you have a much better chance of being included and accepted. Join in the conversations, but try to not say “Where I used to live…” or “At my old school…” unless you’re asked about it. Ask questions without being too nosy or intrusive (for example, “What do you do for fun around here?” is a great question. “What kind of grades to you get?” is a nosy question).
If the gossip mill starts turning, DON’T GET INVOLVED OR ASK QUESTIONS! You might bond with the people at your table for now, but you don’t want anyone’s first impression of you to be that you’re gossipy or nosy. If people are gossipping and ask you questions about it, play dumb. “Did you meet so-and-so?” Even if you already have met them, say, “I don’t think so,” or “I don’t know”. Keep as much out of it as possible without being self-righteous or rude. That being said, keep an ear out. You don’t want to make character judgements about people based on gossip, but it might be good to be on your guard if you hear that so-and-so is a major player or that there’s always drinking at whatshername’s parties or whatever. Don’t repeat gossip, but make a mental note of those kinds of things, to help keep yourself out of trouble.
Lastly, you don’t have to “fit in” to make friends. As they say, “She who goes with the flow is most likely to end up in the drain”! Yes you can use this clean slate to make changes in your life, but only make changes that YOU are happy with, not what you think will make others happy with you.
As far as the issue of leaving your friends behind… schedule time to email or call them or however you prefer to keep in contact, and make it a permanent part of your schedule, no matter what happens (i.e. ‘I will write so-and-so every Monday’, or ‘the first of every month’ or something like that, and even put it on your calender). If some of them stop writing and you eventually lose contact, that’s okay. At least you can say you put in the effort.
Best of luck!
Kelly /`
Whew… sorry, that was a lot longer than I intended, ha ha ha!
Spookily good timing. I started my new job last week, and the hardest part was definitely leaving my old one (I loved it very much). But here I am working in an environment shared with more than 600 other people, over half of whom I don’t know – yet! It’s like Xmas – all these people to get to know. (I could never work in an office or from home – I love a ‘cast of thousands’.)
I agree, avoid gossip.
Also avoid clinging too much to a single clique of friends. Most episodes of ‘group politics’ can be avoided and forgotten by just hanging with another crowd for a couple of days.
I changed high schools when I was 15, too. And in a very similar situation – small town to much bigger town. :) I know you are going to be great – it is so much fun when no one knows you or has any preconceived notions about you. You are going to have an amazing time! You don’t have to worry about the past or what people judge you for. You can be anything insert cheesy Reading Rainbow music
I can understand the fear, it is also a mixture of excitement and the blind alley of opportunity making one feel nervous (I’ve been to 14 different schools in 4 countries up until now).
People WILL be excited about the new kid, if you’re shy, this can be overwhelming but playing the game, smiling back then seeing who sticks by you is how to do it. I feel I am very off-beat and was 100% sure I wouldnt settle in but I grabbed every social, fun opportunity each time. I keep in contact with all my own friends, it’s not a bad lifestyle to have :)
Excellent advice, and Amy Palko, your mum sounds great! I wish I’d had that advice when I started uni, I didn’t have any friends for half a term which made me pretty miserable (especially after I got dumped by my then-boyfriend) but keeping in contact with my friends from school and also the fact that my college is London’s friendliest (No really. Two years running) got me through. .
Gala, I love your name. I have, naturally, a great desire to change mine, but my parents would be offended and it’s too late now to change the name that will appear on my degree certificate without a LOT of hassle. So, I’m compromising, and I think I’m going to make my middle name “Eternity” – my parents shouldn’t be offended because I don’t have one at the moment, and keep the rest for my stage name(s)!
...Unless I get married before my Ph.D, and manage to convince the guy that “le Fay” is the best surname ever…which it is…shh.
Thank you so much for this article, Gala! I am starting uni in a few weeks and am already panicking about meeting people – I’ve always been shy and have a really hard time talking to people. I do have a good group of friends now, but moving away and leaving them seems sort of counter-productive! (Although I know in reality it isn’t really.)
Also this is my first time commenting after visting for a few weeks and I just want to say how much I love the site, keep up the good work!
Good luck at your new school!
This is such a killer article – you can apply it to so many life situations!!! Thank you!!!
Lesley — Thank you! Figuring out who I am is still a work in progress but I’m glad that I started examining it…
rachel — I thought my parents would go mental but they didn’t! My mother thought it was fantastic & was really thrilled for me. My father thought it was amusing ;>
sarasuperid — That’s awesome. Yeah, when you are stuck in the same place for years on end it is very easy to not change, & to continue in your ways without really giving it a lot of thought. It can be hard to make changes to yourself when people who know you think that you’re being “weird” or “not yourself” or try to hold you back for whatever reason (confusion, jealousy, etc.). Moving can be a wonderful chance for a fresh start, it’s all in how you view it!
Jamie — Ahh, well, if you think they won’t have time for you, then they won’t… you need to change your perspective! Decide to be friendly & charming & see how many of them you can win over… Make it a game!
Kelly — Those are FABULOUS tips, thank you! Especially the gossip stuff. It’s so easy to get sucked into a bitchy clique if you’re not thinking about it… & it can be an ugly place.
Nadine — Yay for yooou! I hope you’re enjoying yourself. I love your attitude, that there are all these new people to get to know! How could you not enjoy yourself?!
Zoe — Thank you right back! I hope you have a great time at university. It’s usually such a laidback atmosphere that it is really easy to make friends. Plus, there’s also binge drinking which helps cement friendships quickly, haha! Good luck to you sweets!
Robin — I heart you! Your girl is lucky to have you!
I’m 15 and I just moved to a bigger city than the last one (even though the last one was still pretty big) and today was the first day of school. I must say it really sucked and once I came home I started crying nonstop. My parents don’t seem to understand why. It’s really overwhelming. I did make a few friends and I did have people to sit with at lunch but I just found out I have to take swimming for PE (in my old school I didn’t) and I’m VERY insecure about my body (no I don’t think I’m fat…it’s a very long story), I didn’t have a lock so I had to carry 7 very heavy books around with me I was so tired, I missed my bus since I has no idea which one to take home (I got a ride from my mom in the morning) and it’s just too much to take in. Everything is so…I don’t know, but once I came home I though of all the good times I had at my old school, all those friends I had, everything. It makes me so sad. The new school just sucks and I’m dreading going to school tomorrow again. I know it will get better but at the moment it seems hopeless. The first day seemed as long as one week. There were other new students there but they looked so comfortable and like they settled. But I still haven’t/can’t. It’s too much for me. I’m at that point in life were death seems so much better than living, and no, I’m not suicidal and I’m just whining about how much life sucks for me at the moment.
hello :) i just crossed yoru page seaching ways to cope with being the new kid hah.. thats how desperate i am. im in grade 11 and ive went from a school with 500 to 1600 people so its very overwelming. its almost the end of the 3rd week ive been going to my new school and i still havent made any friends.. well other then the mexican exchange student in my math class but we dont really hang out anything. it seems like i consider friendly people friends now. i feel like i really am being friendly, when people talk to me i force myself to be talkitive and interesting but its really hard because when i meet new people im really awkward and shy and moving has made it even worse:P my mom keeps telling me to just go up to people and start talking to them but i feel like ill just be the annoying girl and follows us around. im not really into sports or anything and finding people with the same interests as me is hard. im sorry i just felt like i need to vent. thanks for your advice:)
Reading this makes me wish I was still in school, not moving around to new cities where I know nobody at all. It’s SO much harder to meet people when the only time you have interaction with anyone is your job you really don’t like. But on the plus side it’s Wellington and I really do love this city.
I hope so much that you are adjusting to your new school. I’m also a new kid myself this year… I just moved from Clearwater, Florida to Colorado. I’m a senior this year, so I heard from a lot of people how sorry they were for me which really put a damper on the whole thing. Although I’ve lived in Clearwater my whole life—- it was (and is) a truly awful place for me to be. Over half of my class dropped out (we went from 1000 to 450) by the time I was a junior, and there weren’t many (read: any) opportunities for me there. Moving here was the best thing that ever happened to me, as well as the hardest. People here are very rich and come off as snobby; it’s a complete suburbia. I consider myself an outgoing person, and at first it was still hard making friends. I took it very hard at first- I was so torn up about it and longed for my comfort zone again. But you really can’t take it personally, as long as you be yourself, friends will make their way around. Let me know how things go… I’m sure you’ll do fine, love!