Dealing With Online Nastiness
[ 10 July 2007 ]
“I remember when someone wrote a nasty comment about you, and you handled it so well! Could you dish out some advice on how to handle online nastiness… like outright rudeness, public bitching and people who seem to have nothing better to do with their time than insult you and make you angry? I’ve been dealing with a fair bit of this lately and would LOVE it if you wrote an article about it!”
I don’t like hearing about people being rude to my GIRLS! Give me their names, I’ll go & beat them with a pair of stilettos!
Okay, violence aside, here are some things I have learned recently about other people’s nastiness — online or in “real life”.
It is never about you. I know that sounds like a weird cop-out, but it’s true. Happy people don’t chew other people out — they just don’t have time, they’re busy getting on with their lives. Seriously. It is more likely that you are a convenient scapegoat, or you just got caught in the crossfire (wrong place/wrong time).
Do you think the Dalai Lama makes crank calls & hacks people’s Myspace accounts? I don’t. People who whinge, moan, bitch, gossip & make nasty judgements are dissatisfied with themselves. (I know, because I used to be one of them myself.)
The way you behave towards other people is only EVER a reflection of how you feel about yourself. If you’re a tosser to everyone you work with, well, there’s obviously something going on with you. So remember — if someone attacks you, it’s not your problem, it’s THEIR stuff. Don’t feel like you need to take their nastiness on board, don’t give them that power.
Angry & mean people just want a reaction. They’re dying for it. Think about it, if you’re cruel to someone else & they don’t respond to you, or they act as if you don’t exist, you’ll feel like you’ve wasted your time. All they REALLY want is for you to cry, scream, yell, or make a vitriolic post on Livejournal. Doing this validates their existence — it tells them that they have some control in a world in which they feel powerless. If you don’t respond to them, they’ll get bored & move on to someone who plays the drama card; those people are much more fun to toy with. I know how tempting it can be to get angry, crack a vicious one-liner, or “get someone back”. But just don’t. Don’t dignify their behaviour with a response.
In an ideal world, we would all have unshakeable faith in ourselves, utmost confidence, intact self esteem & a deep feeling of significance. The truth is, most of us don’t, & the meanest people (otherwise known as those who have been doing it longest, or those who have the most personal pain) are sometimes excellent at digging into those parts of us which aren’t secure. It’s like they have a radar — they know you dislike your stomach, so they mention it every time they have a go at you. Usually, the reason we’re hurt by a comment is because it resonates with us, or because we secretly fear that what they’ve said is true.
If somebody’s being a turd & all you really want to do is leave them a Myspace comment about their size of their manhood (or whatever), stop. Take a deep breath. Read their comment to you, out loud, while tapping on your karate chop point. Do some rounds, talking about how their remarks made you feel, & about your self-doubt — how you fear that you really DO have the biggest ears this side of Bombay. Do another couple of rounds, imagining they are in front of you, all the awful things you would like to say to them. Tell them how much you loathe them, how you wish a plague upon their house, etc. etc. Tell yourself that you love & forgive & accept yourself the way you are. Then take a deep breath. Have a glass of water. Sit in the sun & listen to some Rufus Wainwright (this step is optional).
Trust me, it works!
Remember: we don’t give no shit, we don’t take no shit, we’re not in the shit business!
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala 
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I was always a fan of the “yeah, and?” approach. I used to use this a lot in high-school, when I’d get people going, “yah fucking goth!” or “yah fucking dyke!” I’d politely respond, “yeah, and?” and they’d be left flummoxed. If you don’t respond to their insult as if it’s an insult (if you’re AGREEING with them), they really have nowhere to go.
I guess it’s a variation on the “no response” approach. An almost no response for when you just HAVE to say something. :)
Word up sister!
i work in an open office with 10 woman (dundundun) and currently we are dealing with one of them being a total shit. all she is after is a reaction, and so far most people have been giving it to her. i will share this advice around and hopefully she will get sick of it.
Vitriolic.. I’m going to use it in a sentence today :)
mmn, its bad when the person is your mother! Or anyone who knows you well enough to really aim at your tender points..
oh god, i am currently dealing with some girls who used to be my best friends & have turned in to the bitchiest, most narrow-minded people i have ever met. i’ve decided that the only way to deal with them is to cut them out of my life entirely. i don’t want that kind of negativity in my life anymore – i have better things to do with my time.
xo
Aww thanks for the article sweety, I just need to learn how to deal with in person nastiness now though thankfully i don’t run into it that often.
That was such a good article but I can’t stop giggling imagining the Dalai Lama making crank calls!!! Hehehehe.
Thank you so much for this post. I figured this out a couple of years ago when a bunch of my friends started unnecessarily flaming me online for stupid reasons (ie, making fun of my music tastes and/or a perceived lack thereof). I spent a couple of evenings upset over it, and then realized that they were probably just grasping at straws to find something they could do to make themselves feel bigger. Letting go of them was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
Awesome advice! I read about a theory where everyone around you is connected by a sort of “string of energy” like an imaginary umbilical cord. When the energy is bad, you have to cut the cord. The first time I did it, my best friend was making me so miserable. I imagined a pair of scissors and snipped her away. It was so hard to do, but I felt so much better afterward.
My daughter could use this advice. She’s just now starting to get on message boards. As soon as someone starts flamming, she just ads fuel to the fire. I try to explain that she’s making it worse, but she doesn’t get it. She’s so idealistic, she actually thinks she can change their minds. Poor dear. Anyway, I’m making her read this!
Thanks!
You have no idea how appropriate this post is to my life right now.
I’ve been dealing with cutting someone out of my life, and they responded with some of the most vicious insults I’ve ever had hurled at me.
So, yeah. Thank you SO MUCH for this post. It was what I decided to do(ignore it) and now I feel good about it.
oh yeah, people like that are really poison. i do not include them in my life. 9i’m talking offline life here, but) i have an uncle who has really done his damage on my family, and to be honest i hate him and he’s the only one in this world i could ever hate so much. but my hating him was doing more damage to myself, and so i cut him off from my life completely and don’t even consider him family. you’re right there, the last part: we’re not in the shit business! haha!
Yeah babe! Tap on…
Amen!!!
aww! i was so excited when i saw you wrote this! thankyou for your help!
and once again great advice. =]
the tapping suggestion was very useful.
i know some girls like that who just go out of their way to lash out at people, and while at first, i responded because i “don’t take things lying down”, i’ve also realised that the smartest thing is just to cut the negativity out of my life, and deleted them from my myspace friends.
its always very tempting to say something back, but you won’t change their minds or make them take it back. in the end it will just hurt you more t remain in contact with these people.
and once again, THANK gala for answering my email! =]
Great advice!
I once had a huge argument with a friend online, and it was because she didn’t have the decency to insult me to my face. So, I shot back pretty badly and it didn’t help at all.
I totally agree that the best thing to do is ignore it.
rufus wainwright fixes everything :D
Good advice thank you! Although I’m 17 and even though I myspace and msn like crazy, I’ve still only experienced real life nastiness…do you have more advice for that? I liked your article on how to talk to people you don’t like but I’m still stuck at school with people who enjoy feeling superior and putting everyone else down :( I’ve tried to cut people out of my life like sophie and amanda lee, but I still share classes etc with some who drive me up the wall with how nasty they can be. thank so much gala i loooooove your site, but i think this is only the second comment so far :)
Sometimes, I feel really upset with myself, because i think bad things about others when I know I’m not any better. I think it’s harwired to me as a teenage girl:( I’m trying hard to break that habit, any tips?
yea, i get a lot of hateful comments on every single one of my youtube videos and i usually respond with smart ass remarks back or the ‘yeah and…’ or telling them how right they are.
i’ll try this stuff to.
I’ve been lucky enough to not get too many mean-spirited comments thus far in my online life, but when I do, man do they sting. I can hear the worst bits repeating in my mind for weeks and weeks afterwards. I’m going to keep this post of yours handy in case there’s a next time. Such good advice — it’s not about us at all. Thank you!
Nadia — Yeah, I imagine that would stump them!
sarah — Arrrgh, large amounts of estrogen! Does it drive you nuts? When I worked at Lush it was alllll girl, allllll the time, we used to almost pass out with relief when a man walked through the door. Anyway, I hope it helps…
x Sarah x — Honey, unless you do something about that, it’s never going to get any better…
sophie~ — Women are crazy! They boggle my mind on a regular basis. I’m sorry that’s happening to you, ugh! Good call on cutting them out, your life will be so much more pleasant.
Jacinta — HAHAH now that you’ve said it, ME TOO! I think someone should draw a little comic panel of that… I’d totally stick it on my wall!
amanda lee — It’s funny how people can be so musically elitist! I used to be reeeeeally bad like that. I think people do it because it’s so easy to have an opinion on music & no one is really ever right or wrong, it makes you feel like an ‘expert’ in one area where no one can ever REALLY refute what you say. Regardless, props to you!
tee tee — Interesting! Yeah, I tend to believe that we are all connected (ooh hippy alert!) with cords of energy too. I’ve never tried cutting the cord, but I know that if you send positive energy down the cord (just picture if going down towards them), it tends to help your relationships a LOT... It’s pretty weird, give it a go!
Brittany — Ugh! That sucks! At least it validates that they weren’t someone you wanted around, if they have the ability to be such a turd! Good on you for ignoring it. Gandhi said “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind” & he’s so right. Everyone would be much happier if they just walked away from any unnecessary bullshit.
gilda — I’m really happy for you :>
adele — Glad I could help! I used to get all fueled up & angry about other people’s comments, but it’s so pointless, & not good for your health to be getting so angry all the time! Let me know if you ever want anything else answered!
lalumiere — & he’s such a cutie, too. Haha!
A*my — Really the best advice I can give you is ignore it & try the tapping thing. Also, see the comment I left for tee tee above about sending positive energy. Even though these people might drive you CRAZY, if you try sending positive thoughts & energy towards them, you might find things change drastically…
Nessa — Go to http://galadarling.com/article/eft & give that a go. Try tapping on “even though I’m judgmental of other people”...
rhianna — Oh, don’t take it to heart ESPECIALLY when it comes from Youtube. That place is like idiot mecca, I swear… I am yet to read a helpful or insightful comment on a single video :\
Sarah — Well, I hope my advice helps. Sometimes it’s surprising how the bad things stick with us, but compliments are so easily forgotten.
So, Gala, I’ve always liked your blog but I offically love you! I love Rufus Wainwright also. He’s incredible and i’ve been hard up to find anyone who likes him as well ;]