Eating Disorders
[ 26 June 2007 ]
I just watched this documentary called ‘Thin’ which was, predictably enough, all about eating disorders. It followed the progress of four women at a treatment facility called Renfrew in Florida — Brittany, Shelley, Polly & Alisa. The movie ends with an update on all the women. One of them loses 40 pounds & tries to commit suicide. The other three continue to lose weight rapidly & are battling with anorexia/bulimia. It was AWFUL. I switched it off & started searching for information on the documentary, to try & get an update on whether the women featured were even still alive.
The movie has a forum, & I was really relieved to find out that they’re still alive & it sounds like most of them are doing better.
I’ve been asked to write about eating disorders on multiple occasions & so, here I am, writing about it. This is such a loaded & emotional subject, & it’s kind of scary to write about it in public because I don’t know who’s going to read it. I think the thing I am most worried about is having someone say, “Whatever, you were never that skinny, you were never that sick, you’re just pretending”. There is a common misconception that only the painfully skinny girls have eating disorders. It’s simply not true. There are plenty of average-sized & chubby girls who have them too. Just because it doesn’t manifest itself on the outside doesn’t mean it’s not affecting your body, your mind, your quality of life.
Once upon a time, I was anorexic. (Yuck, I don’t even like to say it. It’s like a dirty word.) My story isn’t that exciting, or even remarkable. My problems with eating & food really began when I moved away from home. I think I wasn’t ready to accept the responsibility of being an adult. I remember thinking, just before I recovered, that all I really wanted was to get really sick so I would have to go home & live with my parents again. I just wasn’t ready to deal with the world, so my solution was to get sick & revert back to being a little girl. The people I was associating with had weird food problems of their own, which I never really thought about until much later, but of course the people you spend time with influence you, everything rubs off.
I’m not going to talk about how little I ate or all the times I jumped on the scales all the time or cried in front of the mirror… I don’t think that’s helpful. Just know that I was miserable, & I thought that losing weight was the only way I was going to fix things.
If I had not taken steps to get over it, there is no way I would be writing this today, on this website. This website wouldn’t exist. I never would have thought I was capable of doing anything like this — I hated myself. I am a completely different person today than I was even a year ago. I am so much happier, & I have done so much work on myself.
Here’s another thing about eating disorders: they are really boring. It’s all you can think about. You obsess in supermarkets & freak out. Your personality starts to disappear. You sit in your room & smoke & try to keep yourself busy, distracted. You don’t want to go out with other people because they might eat something & then what would you do? It’s pathetic, it’s ridiculous. My friend called me once & said, “You know, having an eating disorder doesn’t make you interesting. You were interesting BEFORE. This shit is making you BORING.” I didn’t agree with her; I couldn’t. I didn’t have the self-esteem. But now, of course, I see that she was right.
Interestingly enough however; even though the disorders are quite different they all tend to share in common the use of the eating disorder as a means of coping with life stressors. Eating disorder clients share in common very low self esteem issues, distorted body image problems, obsessive thoughts and compulsions involving food, weight, calories, restricting, bingeing, or purging, difficulties with relationships, increased isolative and sneaky behaviors, ritualistic behaviors regarding food and eating, mood swings, feelings of self-loathing, hopelessness, despair as well as feelings of being out of control.
(addictions.net)
The cult of eating disorders is seductive. It beckons to you with a slim finger. You think you’ll be okay, you’ll just halve your food intake & continue to function as normal, but lose weight. You’ll be like one of those models: thin, gorgeous, beautiful, popular, intelligent & capable of living like a normal person. It is NEVER like that. I consider myself to be a person with good self-control — I have been smoking on & off since I was about 13 & I have never once craved a cigarette. (I tend to smoke in social situations, but even then, just as something to do.) I am about the furtherest thing from an addictive personality you can imagine. & to think, I was sucked in by anorexia. That, to me, says a lot about the disease.
I have read & thought a lot about this subject & by now, I am totally convinced that it is never really about food or body image. The media doesn’t help, but that’s not really it. Eating disorders blossom into being because of lack — lack of love, lack of self-esteem, lack of support, lack of control, lack of direction. An eating disorder is simply a convenient place to channel your frustration. Some girls eat to fill themselves up because they feel unloved, others starve themselves in an attempt to take the reins of a world in which they feel they have no impact. It is different for everyone, but it is never as simple as, “I want to be thin”, it is never as simple as disliking food, or loving it too much. Ever. The eating disorder is the symptom, not the cause.
if you really want to be in control of your own life, be joyous & don’t let anyone take it away from you.
Please, please, please, look after yourselves. Eating disorders are so destructive; they take over your entire life quickly. Even if you think you’re not losing weight, or it’s not making a difference, there is trouble brewing beneath your skin. At the time you won’t care, all you want is to be skinny & glorious, but when your teeth start falling out, you start vomiting blood or you have to go to the hospital for colonic irrigation because you’re so constipated, you might change your mind. You can learn more about this here. I am thankful a million times over that I never got to that stage, but it would have been very easy.
You are enough, you have enough, you do enough. You may not believe it, but it’s true. You have worth, & people love you, no matter how bad a person you think you are. You have to learn to accept & love yourself the way you are! I know it sounds cheesy but it is true. It is the key to happiness.
Tomorrow I’m going to post about how I got rid of my eating disorder for good. (If you’d like proof, I tend to eat cupcakes for breakfast if they’re there, & no guilt, ever!) It’s mind-blowingly simple, & I know that if you try it, it will work for you (& no, it doesn’t involve religion or money!). So stay tuned. & thanks for listening.
Extra For Experts:
Recognising & dealing with eating disorders
Fighting Anorexia: No One To Blame
Something Fishy: lots of information about eating disorders, recovery, treatment
Anorexia: The Little Things, a video worth watching. (Actually, everything this girl does is worth watching.)
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
Tags: gala,
life Share this! + Email This + Del.icio.us
+ Facebook
+ Stumbleupon
+ Technorati
Comment
Read more tagged life...
More Days To Celebrate The Cheap Date Guide To Style -- Book Review Pow-Wows & The Law Of Attraction Gala's Kissing Boot-Camp Things I Learned From Watching Miss Universe 2007 How To Be Genuine With People You Dislike A Round-Heeled Woman -- Book Review Things To Do In Summer
Read more tagged gala...
Why You Should Go To Sales Daily Outfit -- 19th June 2007 Exciting News! International Dress Up Day #005 -- Gala's Pictures Purple Hair Gala's International Dress-Up Day #004 Pictures Adorn Magazine's Remix Redux Living It Up At Burning Man
Noooo! I don’t like cliffhangers. I was all aboard the inspiration train, and then you’re making me wait until tomorrow to finish my ride. :[
Also, semi-unrelated but, my sister told me about your website less than a week ago. I’ve gone back and tried to read all the archives, and I’m very pleased. So many of your articles were very inspring in different ways, I have this hunger to manifest myself into my true being instead of worrying about temporary trends or opinions of others. I like that I can be an individual without having to be a punk or gothic girl. I’ve tried those fashions so many times in an attempt to stand out, but I’ve realized (with your help) that looking like everyone else trying not to look like everyone else is not individuality.
So … sorry for the novel. You rock.
Oooh, sorry! ;D I just wanted to separate the two things out, it’ll be easier that way!
I’m so pleased that you’ve come to that realisation! It’s a very empowering one. There comes a point where, regardless of how many pairs of stripey stockings you own, you just get sick of trying to fit into some ‘group’. Being your own person is far more rewarding!
Thank you so much for writing this. I’m trying to lose ten pounds right now, and while I don’t think it would develop into an eating disorder, it’s always good to remind yourself about the dangers.
gala,
thanks for writing this. i think you hit the nail on the head when you connect eating disorders to what one lacks. so many self-destructive behaviors have their root in pain, and that pain can cause many to turn their pain and anger upon themselves, in a futile attempt to regain even a little bit of control.
i have had, and still have issues with self hate…and while i haven’t had any issues with eating disorders, per se, i can relate to the pain that people have, the pain that drives them to these sorts of behaviors.
perhaps this is too personal and you can ignore it, but did therapy of any sort help you find more self-acceptance? or did you find another way to self-love and happiness?
tricia — Thanks for your support :> I used a kind of self-healing to get rid of my eating disorder, & since then I’ve also used it to get rid of all kinds of things… low self-esteem, anger, being judgemental, asthma & allergies, etc. I’m going to write about it tomorrow, since it is such a big topic I want to do it justice! Hopefully what I write will help you out, too. xx
Thank you for writing about this, I appreciate how hard it must be.
I understand what you mean about the whole thing with people judging eating disorders in terms of the worst cases and I think that’s one of the reasons why often nothing is done or recogonised until it has become very bad indeed.
I too was anorexic (horrible word), and I still feel almost bad for saying it, like somehow I don’t deserve it, in some twisted way… Anyway, recovery is awesome, I can’t wait to read your piece about it tomorrow.
(I only really recovered when I ended a relationship with someone who was a good person, but a terrible partner – incidentally said person is now my best friend – and I simply decided that given that had happened – it was quite the intense break up, shall we say – and that I had finished high school and all, it simply had to end, and it did. Though I’ve found it impossible to gain weight since, I’m going to follow your cupcakes for breakfast idea!)
Oh gosh, I’ve written an essay, sorry!
By the way, love the new slogan.
i first learned about anorexia thanks to oprah’s show on it. my mom & i [it’s such a mother-daughter thing] always watch it together, & this episode was just unbelievable. this skeleton-y woman described her story, & even after realizing the horror of it, its negative impact on her child, and how miserable her life had become, hearing others’ stories of anorexia & recovery, her husband begging her to eat, etc.
she said she just could not let go of it.
that was the shocker. we were sitting there with tears running down our faces, it was so heartbreaking to see how anorexia can encompass someone like that. it must be such a painful thing to be a slave to hunger…
excellent post, gala!! it helped me better understand the true cause of anorexia.
Thanks many times over for this article. i haven’t had any problems myself (though I was sickeningly tempted to fast for a while, just when I hated myself) but I know two people who have had serious food and eating disorders: one bulimic, one anorexic; they were best friends and only compounded each others’ misery.
I tried to understand the reasons for their disorders and while technically I knew it was to fill some sort of vacuum in their lives, I couldn’t grasp the entire concept. Your writing—which I must commend you for, you always manage to talk about anything in a clear, sincere, and understandable way—helped drive that home to me. While both of them have now successfuly undergone very, very intensive rehabilitation, I worry about them still. Your post will definitely help me understand what’s really going on, so I can hopefully help them in the future.
Apologies for the long-ass post, but I felt my thanks needed to be conveyed :].
this post is full of win. looking forward to reading tomorow’s, your ‘serious’ (as it were) articles are always awesome, and never preachy.
::hugs and cupcakes::
xx
I haven’t seen this documentary yet, but I have the companion book which goes along with it. It’s a stunning, insiders look into the world of eating disorders.
I am a former anorectic-turned-bulimic-turned-COE and really empathize with what you have written. I’ve always maintained that banning super-skinny models in the media is but a bandaid approach to combating eating disorders. Eating disorders are so much more than Kate Moss-envy – that’s why they’re classified as a psychological disease.
You wrote, “There is a common misconception that only the painfully skinny girls have eating disorders.” So true. I was overweight when I first started “dieting,” and for a long time I didn’t think my diet could be disordered because I was too fat to have an eating disorder. And all too often, anorexia is valorized by many because it is representative of what many woman strive to attain: thinness. While bulimia is often a shameful disease because bulimics tend to be average or larger than average weight and “lose control” around food.
My boyfriend and I are making a concerted effort to eat healthier. He was worried though, given my past history, it might spiral out of control. I told him, “baby, I just don’t have the time or the self-hatred an eating disorder needs to fester now.”
thank you for this :) as of late i am beginning to think my mum is trying to give me an eating disorder, and its not making me feel good about myself.
i know i need to lose a few kg to be healthy, but hell, i am not like the obese people you see on tv getting craned out of their apartments.
she has started to bring my weight into every conversation we have. fun little things like, me ringing her in tears because my boyfriend and i had a fight, and her telling me “well, if you lost some weight he would like you more.”
i just wish it wasnt my mum saying these things so i could cut her off, and focus on the good things in my life and work towards eating better slowly.
Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. I admire your strength in sharing it with your readers and am really glad you’re better now.
I was a professional ballet dancer for two years, and I saw firsthand what that kind of environment does to your self-esteem. You spend all day in front of a mirror and eventually there’s little you can do but criticize and compare yourself to others—even if you don’t develop an eating disorder, the competitive nature of the profession requires you to be very, very hard on yourself, because there are so many other girls who love to do it and who are just as talented (or thin, as it may be) as you are.
Eating disorders had nothing to do with my reasons for not dancing professionally anymore (injuries and a degenerative bone disease, yucky), but it’s still something that I’m intensely aware of, both in dancing and in society in general. When I go to see dance performances nowadays, I like seeing girls who are strong and who move well—no matter what size.
Oh Gala….. I’m so glad for you – so so so glad – that you are who you are. It is so important to have people who have been through dark and strange times come out the other side and then have the strength to talk about their experience and guide others.
I think the media generally glamourises eating disorders (in fact, glamourises most destructive behaviour, whether that be drug use, depression, self-harm, suicide…just by having a television special on it, it becomes something desirable). But you’ve made the most important point – these behaviours don’t make you interesting or unique or desirable. They make you BORING.
Thank you for writing this. I look forwards to part II.
Kat (eniwekwi) is great… I’ve been watching her videos since almost the first one. Not for myself, but for the people I know.
very well put, and an issue that is closecloseclose to my heart. i actually did a solo performance on it last year- i’ll email you with the link to a short video of it. you put everything so well. i think i blame the media more than you do, however i completely agree that it’s much more complicated than that. the media and advertising have a lot to answer for when it comes to the portrayal of women.
anyway- bravo. anything that gets people to write such long and engaged comments is certainly a great piece. love it!
Thanks everyone for the support. I just wanted to bring people’s attention to the whole subject, because it’s something a lot of people don’t talk about (especially in the realms of fashion/style).
Rachael & Rachel — I’m really pleased that you guys are recovered & healthy. How did you do it, if you don’t mind sharing?
Vanessa — Glad to help. When I was much younger (like 14 years old maybe?) one of my best friends was bulimic, & vomited blood sometimes. I think she’s okay now, we don’t really keep in touch, but it really stumped me at the time, I couldn’t understand it.
sarah — That is BAD. Have you talked to her about this? Does she have disordered eating herself? I think the most important thing for you to take away from that is that what she’s saying isn’t about YOU, it’s about HER. She is projecting her insecurities onto you. There is nothing wrong with her calling her out on it, in fact, I would encourage it. Tell her that the next time she does it, you’re going to hang up the phone. Then do it. If she continues, find someone else to go to for support when you need it. Seriously, your mental health is important, you don’t need that shit!
Nadia — I think also there is quite a lot of stigma in society about being happy. A lot of the cynical/intelligent/depressed people I know (or used to know) seem to think that only morons are happy. I used to be one of those people! Argh! Being sad & miserable is easy, battling against that by actually being happy is changing the status quo & bordering on revolutionary in some cases!
Anna Rose — I know some of the people you’re talking about, & I’m pretty sure that until they stop associating with one another, they’re never going to get any better. Having eating disordered friends is really bad for you, especially if you’re young & impressionable. Just my opinion :>
wow wow! this is a great article, Gala!
Its always so interesting to hear from people who have made it out the otherside so well, I’ve never had an eating disorder myself, but I used to be very… self destructive in other ways, and I cringe to think back on it! Also, one of the people who I -LOVE-MOST- in this world once(?) suffered from an eating disorder and it tore us both up! this helps so much for me to understand it.. and also to see that its soooo similar to what I went through. thanks for being awesome, gala!
i have told her many times to stop. my mental health is pretty poor, most of it to do with poor self image and my childhood (hahaha, i wonder who nicknamed me piggy as a child because i was pudgey).
i have made leaps and bounds in the past year, and well it sucks to have her still trying to pull me down under the guise that it is because she worries about me.
if she wasnt my mum i would have hung up on her years ago, because no one needs people like that in their lives.
Gala, you are amazing. Wow. You really are.
And the point you make in your reply to Nadia about the stigma of (borderline-revolutionary!) happiness is fascinating.
Love your work!
boy oh boy, how i relate.
i had an eating disorder from age 10 right up until last year or so (15). i was afraid of getting ‘fat’ though i was already very small for my age. i completely agree with it being a lack of something. while my mother was always very loving, having five children did take a lot of energy from her and she didn’t have a lot of time for each of us. my father and i had — and still have — an awful relationship. other things kept piling on and my weight and perfect ‘figure’ seemed like the only thing i had control over. just a few motnhs ago i decided that letting other people and their problems affect me in such a deep way was showing absolutely no strength. i only ever want to live my life in the way i choose, and not let others negatively affect me and possibly help push me into such a bad place. it took so very long for me to work through my anorexia. there are days when i skip meals becuase my pants are too tight, or my thighs feel to chunky, etc. it is a long hard struggle, but i’m trying. i really, really look forward to tomorrow’s post. Gala, you are always such an amazing person… i want to be as strong and unique as you when i grow up ;-)You’re totally right about a lot of intelligent people thinking that being happy makes you a stupider person. I have been blessed in that I am usually an optimist and I can reach crazy levels of happiness with very little (and I never get the depression, either).
But I go to a highly academic and liberal college, where the trend is, I think, to be unhappy. I think they believe that it is a more accurate reflection of how people should be because they should be aware of how screwed up the world is. And you know, they say that “ignorance is bliss” and the kids at my college don’t want to be ignorant, oh no, anything but that.
I have a friend, brilliant writer, but he does tend to look down on those who are happy all the time. He thinks that it means that they are less self-aware.
Gala, you’re the best. :)
Although I’ve never had an eating disorder, I’ve been accused of having one by my mother several times when I was younger. I went to the doctor when I was about 12 or 13 and my mother told my doctor that she would follow me when I went to the bathroom to make sure I wasn’t throwing up. It wasn’t until a year or two later that I even knew what an eating disorder was. :(
And I can relate to your comment and Sherry’s comment about “intellectuals” that think that drowning yourself in despair proves how enlightened you are. One thing I’ve learned is that it can take so much effort to find the good in life (at least, for me it takes a lot), and people who don’t respect that seem to just be floating through their lives, in my opinion.
What really got to me the most in your article was your comment about how eating disorders are caused by a lack of something. It wasn’t until a month or two ago that I realized how much self-esteem I lack and how much I don’t love myself, AND how much those feelings (or lack of) have affected my life. If you plan on talking about EFT in the second part of this article, then I can’t wait to read it. :D
I wrote an essay, too…I’m sorry! :P
sarah — I’m not going to push the issue but I am of the opinion that it doesn’t matter WHAT the relation to you, people who are bad for you need to be cut out of your life…
Emily — I think tomorrow’s post will help you a lot. I’m glad that you’re better now but the thing is, we all deserve to feel amazing all the time! So I think we should strive to get rid of even the most fleeting feelings of being ‘fat’ or unworthy of sustenance. Thank you for sharing with us :>
Sherry — Pretty ironic really! Does he think the Dalai Lama lacks self-awareness? ;D
Valerie — Yes! Tomorrow I’m going to talk about EFT, I’m going to give a demonstration & explain how it can work for all sorts of different issues. I’m excited about it & I really really really hope people will try it.
Man, writing that piece really took it out of me, after I posted I lay down on the bed & was out for four hours! Phew.
I too had an eating disorder when I was younger. I was anorexic for a year or so, and then just ate weirdly and obsessively and felt guilty about food for years. It was totally to do with wanting attention from my parents, and the little-girl thing too, a bit, but mostly it just got to be a habit or pattern I couldn’t break. It wasn’t until I had counselling for something completely unrelated to food, a long long time after I thought I was completely better, that I really truly stopped feeling emtional about food & eating. I know you practice EFT and I believe that it works for you, but I do hope you make it clear in your article tomorrow that traditional counselling is invaluable for treating messed up self-esteem, family relationships etc.
Gala, i completely agree with it being a lack of something, for me was a lack of control over my life and a big, gigantic lack of self-steem. I had an eating disorder from age 8 to 14, now i’m 20 and still crying when something remember me how horrible it was. I know how hard is to talk about this and I really thank you for writing this article!
And Sarah, that’s terrible!
I become bulimic in part “thanks” to my mother and running away from she and my whole family literally saved my life.Now i love myself, a thing i never thought i will, and I feel that i can talk with theirs and protect myself from that shit.
Of course i’m not saying that this would be your case and i hope it isn’t…i just feel that i should force myself to talk, maybe it helps someone.
Annabel — It’s interesting that that was your experience, because personally I found no benefit from counselling, & I had thousands of dollars worth of therapy. However, I would never recommend anyone give up anything that is working for them, whether that be medication, counselling or going for long walks, regardless of how good I personally think EFT is. It’s just a tool, like anything else!
Ithladin — It’s incredible how much our parents influence our lives. I think a lot of people with children don’t actually realise how greatly they affect their offspring, or to what extent. Good on you for being strong & self-aware enough to remove yourself from your family’s negative influence! xx
Long-time reader, first time commenter. Heh :]
“You are enough, you have enough, you do enough.”
— I really, really needed to hear that. Not really eating-disorder related, but thank you so much!
xx
You are so brave and self-less to share this about yourself. I have been around numerous people who have had eating problems, and it breaks my heart. I don’t understand how a girl can look at herself and think she’s fat when I look at her and think she’s beautiful, but then again people can’t understand why I hate MY body and struggle with self-love, it’s this horrible epidemic in our minds and hearts. I was never anorexic, but I’ve had a lot of issues with my weight. My entire life I’ve been little, petite, and underweight, and for that I’ve been made fun of, hated, and even outcasted. People told me and others that I had eating disorders when that wasn’t the case at all. People, well only girls, would judge me and dislike me because I was thinner than them, or constantly compare themselves to me to the point that I couldn’t feel good about myself because they felt so bad about themselves. I don’t think it’s only about being too fat or too thin, I think I a lot of it comes down to just hating how we are, how we look, and not having the control over all the areas of our lives. I so badly want everyone to just embrace themselves and love themselves and celebrate being alive. Then again I find myself thinking that I’m too thin and I don’t have curves and will never be attractive because I have the body of a 12 year old boy, so I can’t even follow my own advice. I believe all self-destructive behavior, eating disorders, mutilation, drugs, etc have to do with the person finding a need to control something about their lives, even if it is that one thing, eating, or cutting. Sadly, we all see ourselves differently than what the world really sees. The very things we dislike about ourselves are sometimes not even noticed by those that care so much about us. My heart goes out to everyone and anyone with any self-love and self-acceptance issues, no matter how they manifest them, because it’s usually a long and hard battle to overcome.
Oopsie, I wrote a lot too :]
with regards to what you said to anna about her friends and that we wont get better while associating with eachother. i dont think it is for you to make that judgement. what worked for you may be the same or different to what works for others and often these friendships have been built through being in treatment – residential/outpatient programmes. it was there i met some of the most important people in my life
everyone is different. i dont think youshould judge
Thanks Gala. This article was the highlight of my week. It’s beautiful
Serra — I’m not saying your friendships aren’t important, of course they are. It’s more a case of the people we spend time with influence us, & if one person is trying to recover from something while their friends are doing the opposite, it’s not beneficial to anyone really. But then, that all depends on what you want to achieve. Do you know what I mean? I just know that for me, it was very dangerous to be around people with disordered eating because it crept into my head too. I wasn’t trying to judge you or anything, it’s just something I’ve learned. It’s the same for anything, people who self-mutilate, drink, shoot up, whatever. I’m sorry if I’ve offended you, that was never my intention :>
I appreciate your honesty on such a sensitive subject.
You’re the complete package!
proud of you, gala darling. i ate a cupcake for breakfast yesterday (literally) and felt great remebering how i used to be scared of scones and their ilk. (total bullshit) i’m so glad we got our proverbial shit together. xoxoxo
Me too.
My hair started falling out.
I suppose i should say more than that. I refused to believe i had an eating disorder. Everybody would tell me they were worried about me too.
Oh thank you for writing this! Not just for me, I think you’ve made a big difference to the day of almost everyone who has read this!! I’m currently reading ‘Wasted’ by Marya Hornbacher. It’s a very honest and touching read, I think most people may recognise parts of themself in Marya, I know I have. Also thank you for helping me not feel guilty about eating!! I know it’s not a sin, but sometimes it’s hard to remember it’s OK to eat ice cream every once in a while! I’m happy for you!! And I can’t wait to read all about your recovery!! And EFT!!!
THANK.YOU.SO.MUCH! That’s all I have to say!
Thank you for writing this.
And, everyone is loved. I forget sometimes too. Unless you are Sylar from the TV show heroes. Then no one does love you, but you are also fictional so it is O K.
i’m another sort-of-maybe-recovered former anorexic. when i was 13-14 i was a total mess and one of the ways i found to cope with it was to starve myself. at my worst, i was around 5’8, and weighed 103lb. once i started on antidepressants i started putting weight back on and stopped stressing out so much over my weight, but it’s still there every time i eat. i think it always will be. even now, if i get sad or stressed or angry or feel powerless, i channel it in to my food. i start exercising too much, or i starve or binge or only eat one type of food or…whatever. i don’t hate myself quite so much as i did now, but still. it’s always there in the back of my mind.
xo
Thank you thank you thank you!
I’ve had pretty much every single eating disorder and recently, I decided I needed to change. I don’t know. But yeah, thanks :].
“The eating disorder is the symptom, not the cause.”
amen!!! i never really thought of my personal experience with an eating disorder this way, but the way you put it makes me recognize it for what it was and understand it better.
at the time it was hard for me to understand why i needed to be so thin myself!
this article is the most realistic and undramatized article on eating disorders i have ever read.
I think that every girl at one point in there lives have thought that they were fat and skipped a meal to fix that.
I know that right after i got raped by my boyfriend (this was in 7th grade) He allways called me fat and to this day i still cant get over it…its a struggle and i went to rehab and when i went there i allways thought it was what the witch was doing to Hanzel and Grettle (fattening them up)
I still have my journals and one thing that i wrote practically everytime was “the doctors say i will die soon if i dont eat, but atleast i know i will die the skinniest i could be” my lowest weight was 90 pounds when i was 5’1” (i cant convert! sorry!!)
now i am 5’2” and 115, and for a dancer thats pretty heavy and short still.
Thankfully im much better now, and i have lots of friends that still support me through everything.
im still in contact with a lot of the girls at the hospital so im thinking about sending them this article
I hope thats ok???
Stay strong everyone.
Love and Lipstick,
Bex
Lizzie — You know what, ‘Wasted’ was so devastating to me. I only made it about a quarter of the way through, it still sits on my bookshelf unfinished. I think that book helped kick me into recovery, at least partially, because I decided I did NOT want to be like that forever. It made me bawl my eyes out. So, I guess it did a good thing!
rachel — Thank you, I’m glad you like it since it was hard for me to write & I don’t think I did a very good job ;>
Bexxx — Absolutely, send it to anyone who you think would benefit from it. I am proud of you for getting better!
Thanks everyone, I’m really flattered that you feel like this is a safe place to talk about your food issues, I know it’s hard!
I’m ready for part deux! :[
heya again. nah i do understand. when i gave up the booze i had to isolate myself. lucky for me phi doesnt drink :)
On Monday, Adam my ex from high school pulled out photos of us together. I’m so skinny my lips hang like steaks, and I burst into tears, we sat adn talked and he was so nice about it all. He talked about how he couldnt ring me after a while cause he said it was too heartbreaking. He explained what it used ot be like for him, with me making all his meals and never eating. He totally respected the what our love thing meant to us both, and treated me really kindly. That whole part of my life is over now, and he was laughing at howe strong I am now (physically). I could kinda tell he was in awe of how much Ive changed in ten years! Love you G, D.
I think it’s good that you read it, even if it was just part of it! She wrote it hoping that it would help people who suffered from an E.D. so it’s nice to know that it may have helped! What saddens me is that some pro ana/mia sites use the book as inspiration!! Then again pro ana/mia sites just make me sad in general :(
Gala,
Thank you so much.
I developed an eating disorder at thirteen. I was lucky to recover by 16, only to relapse again last year, at 18. I’m better now. I’ve surrounded myself with people I love and who love me. And I love myself too. I have, over the years, read many an article on eating disorders – but never one as articulate as yours. The real triumph however was the fact that you didn’t glamorise anorexia at all. You didn’t wear your pain like some sort of enigmatic tool. And this is such an important tool in recovery; not idealising the times when you are at your thinnest – because these are the times when you are most miserable.
I wish you all the success in the world.
Kayla — Hope the EFT article did the trick!
davide — Love you too.
Lizzie — It’s weird, I know that when I was in the depths of my eating disorder I just wanted to bury myself further in it, so whether that was reading about it or looking at pictures of thin people or whatever, I just NEEDED it. I guess it was almost like a food substitution, now that I think about it. So I probably bought ‘Wasted’ because of that, but it really ripped me up. I am thankful to her for writing it. I kind of want to throw the book away, I just don’t want the evidence, but I guess if I have a friend who needs it, then it’s a good thing to have around.
Amelia — Thank you so much. Your comment meant a lot to me. I know what you mean, anorexia especially is glamorised so much, it’s very dangerous. You’re totally right about being most miserable at your most thin. I am so pleased that you’re better now, congratulations!
i used to be anorexic.
i don’t like to tell people, because i think that they’ll assume it was a plea for attention.
it wasn’t.
it’s still not.
i’m not ashamed of it, it was a huge part of my life, and it changed me for the better.
i wouldn’t be the person i am today without it.
i don’t htink anyone who has had one should be ashamed.
unless you’ve had an ED, i don’t htink it’s something that you can really understand.
but even though it’s a horrid disease, i really do think it had a huge positive effect on my life.
i’m gald to see that you pulled through and are a confident, beautiful person, because of/despite of it.
you’re the best, gala.
Yes, this is a late comment, but I want to ask a question.
I moved away from my hometown last fall, and during this year a good friend of mine from there has developed something between bulimia and an ed-nos. I freaked out around Christmas hearing about it, and she said that she’d blown the whole thing out of proportion (though I know she hadn’t). And I love her too much to lose her so I didn’t tell her parents, though I really wanted to. (We both just finished high school this year).
Now she’s still really uneasy about her weight, even though she’s a little underweight if anything, and she’s said that her ‘puking up food’ is still happening. Which makes me absolutely horrified because she is a lovely and amazing person. I’ve never been 100% happy with my body, but never gone that far, and I’m far heavier than her.
It’s really bothering me that me objecting to her eating disorder will tear us further apart, but I can’t take it any more. She writes it in her blog like it’s any other ordinary activity, with nonchalance.
Any advice?
emilyyy — I hate to say it but if she doesn’t want help, you’re not going to get very far. People never change unless they want to. However, a bit of information never went amiss. Maybe you should try showing her the videos I linked above, or maybe this article would open her eyes a bit. I’m not sure. I know it hurts to watch someone going through this. Tell her to take her vitamins (it helps your body) & give her as much love & support as you can.
I know this is REALLY late, but I just found your site and was looking back through it (I want every piece of clothing you own, btw), and I had to comment on this.
When I first started reading this to be honest, I thought it would be some type of long rant about eating disorders or some type of lecture with way too much inaccurate information, but you said so many things I’ve always wished I could put into words but couldn’t.
I don’t think I’m ready to recover from my eating disorder yet, but I really want to thank you for writing this. It shows that someone can have a happy life after their eating disorder, which is really inspiring.
enjoyable reading all this thanks, i was bore a minute ago.
i developed an eating disorder at around 15 and after two years i thought i had recovered when i went on birth control and gained weight. then i discovered i had crohns disease which is a genetic disease affecting the small intestine. i went on medication for that and gained weight. i realized that i still obsess over getting “fat” and that i think i am not in control of my life because i am gaining weight from my medication which is a steroid to relieve the intestinal pain. hopefully the tapping you mentioned in your next article will help me relieve this frustration and the eating disorder that is still lurking behind it all. just as long as i love myself right now i know i will be fine. and hey, things will always get better, i just reached a low point right now.
Thanx gala for posting this article, im recovering from anorexia now, im only 15 and never saw myself as fat, i realise its true what you say- about the disease dragging you in.
When i was first diagnosed i didnt believe i had it, i suppose that naive of me to say, but it creeps up on you, and by the time you relaise, its too late.
At the minute every day is a struggle, i know it will get easier eventually. Im really trying to gain weight with the help of my family and friends, i want to do it for myself and for them. Unfortunatly by the time the disease was discovered in me- it was far along, so depending on how this week goes i may be referred to hospital. I just hope it doesnt, despite eating, i havent been able to keep weight gain consistant, but my mind is in the right place right now, so it just a case of doing what i need to get better.
I developed anorexia/bulimia when I was about six. It’s safe to say I’m older than my years because of all I’ve been through. My parents had just split up because of my father’s abuse towards me, and I was practically homeless, living in a shelter. Everyone I went to school with hated me, or encouraged my self-destructive ways. I was very depressed, and I didn’t feel like I had any control of my life. Food just had no appeal to me. You’re right about lack. I had a lack of love, of self-worth and self-esteem. When I was almost eight I moved into an apartment and recovered…for the most part. Nobody really knows that I had this, everyone passes it off as a fast metabolism, and I like to think I’ve recovered, but I have relapses of anorexia and even bulimic episodes. I eat very weirdly and I’m either on a health kick or I starve myself or I eat too much. I don’t know what the definition of eating normally is. I’m not as self-hating as I used to be, and definitely not as depressed or suicidal, but the aftershock is definitely there.
Oops, I wrote a whole short story. :) Thanks a lot for writing this article, Gala. You’re awesome.
Hugs! – Julie