With the start of the year comes a glut of articles, posts, and inspiration about how to make this the BEST YEAR EVER! Don’t get me wrong, I love both creating and consuming this kind of stuff, and do so like it’s going out of style. However, sometimes we need a little hit of reverse psychology to really get it!

How To Ensure That Your Life Sucks

 

 KEEP TALKING ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS

Pay a lot of attention to the things in your life that are not going well or are causing you a lot of pain. Look at what you dislike and make a big energetic noise about it. Notice it, focus on it, and talk to your friends about it. Complain loudly and vehemently! Even come up with a little comedy routine about it, so that you are rewarded for your “funny” misery drill. Make a habit of thinking about it first thing in the morning, and last thing before you go to bed. Allow yourself to dwell and wallow.

 BE SELF-CENTERED

This one is crucial. Make sure that you spend a lot of time thinking about yourself, and especially the many ways in which your needs are not getting met. Make your problems more important than other people’s problems, and be sure to position yourself as a victim who others cannot possibly understand. Don’t help others, never do anything unless you know you will get something back, and always be too proud and stubborn to accept outside assistance.

 DON’T DISRUPT YOUR NEGATIVE THUGHTS

Let them lead you down the trail! If you want your life to suck, it is essential that you give your negative thoughts as much time as they ask for. Make sure you don’t interrupt them by doing pesky things like meditating, helping other people, putting your energy into creative things, watching something that makes you laugh, practicing gratitude, or anything else that makes you feel good.

 IGNORE SPIRITUAL AND ENERGETIC PRACTICES

Just say no to looking after yourself. Refuse to take responsibility for your spiritual, energetic, and emotional health. Even though you know that you need spiritual and energetic practices, bury your head in the sand. Refuse to do them. Procrastinate like a pro! Come up with excuses as to why you shouldn’t bother or don’t have time. And for God’s sake, don’t do the Magical Morning Practice!

 SPEND TIME WITH MISERABLE PEOPLE

Only surround yourself with people who dwell in low vibrations. Invite them into your space and let them suck up your time with their negative energy and sad, disempowering stories. Ask for more details when something goes wrong. Never encourage them to reconsider the way they think about things. Allow their beliefs to color your beliefs. Spend a lot of time talking with them about the ways in which men, society, and life are all designed to make your life hard and unpleasant.

 PAY ATTENTION TO CRITICS

Put a lot of stock in what other people say, but particularly those who are professional critics or trolls. Few things will make your life suck more than listening to what people who have never created anything or taken a chance have to say. If you look at someone’s life and there is nothing in it that inspires or excites you, you should definitely take what they say as gospel!

 DON’T EXERCISE

God no. Why would you do that to yourself? Why would you want a strong heart, lungs and bones, clear arteries, lower blood sugar, a healthier weight, regulated blood pressure, or to prevent cancer? Why would you want to release endorphins — the “feel good” chemical — for free? Fuck that. Far better to drink, smoke, take drugs, shop, and eat sugar to try to feel better.

 SAY NO TO NEW OPPORTUNITIES

Whatever you do, don’t take any risks. Play small and be afraid. Stay in your house and don’t accept invitations. Don’t try to push any boundaries or do things differently. It’s important to stick to your routine, especially if it’s so boring that you kind of want to die.

 SAY YES WITHOUT BOUNDARIES

…But be sure to make yourself overly emotionally available to people who have no qualms about demanding it. Run yourself ragged helping them out, giving them a place to stay, cooking for them and cleaning up after them, accepting all kinds of bullshit behavior, and then — this is essential — blame yourself for feeling resentful. This is the perfect cherry on top of a poisonous sundae!

Much love,