For God's Sake, Don't Sleep With Him!
[ 8 April 2009 ]
(Disclaimer: I am aware this whole article is extremely heteronormative — how does this resonate with people in the gay, lesbian, transgender community? Is it same same but different? I’d love to hear!)
I’ve been thinking a lot about first date etiquette recently, & specifically the idea that women shouldn’t sleep with men on the first date. It’s spoken about so seriously by some women, like it would be the absolute worst thing you could possibly do. It bothers me.
It’s sexist. It’s ridiculous. & worst of all, we bring it on ourselves by continuing to warn our girlfriends that sex on the first date is a relationship curse. To show you how asinine it is, think about this: You never hear guys telling one another, “Man, don’t bang her straight away! She won’t be interested any more! She’ll think you’re easy! That you don’t value yourself! Whatever you do, hold off!” Stupid, right? Yes. So why is it any different when someone with breasts is saying it? It’s this whole idea that men are always gunning to get laid & as women, it’s our responsibility to make sure they don’t get what they want — so that when they finally get it, they’ll be so grateful that they’ll marry us… or something. ...What?!
I actually think this whole “don’t sleep with him on the first date” nonsense really stems from fear. A fear that once you “give it up”, he won’t be interested in you any more. When you break it down, this is essentially saying, “All I have to offer is a sexual experience — nothing more, nothing less — & if I don’t make him wait, he won’t value it, & he will leave”. That you are not interesting, or smart, or clever, or hilarious — you’re a walking blow-up doll.
Come on, girl! Do you really think that the only value you bring to a relationship is your magical vagina ambrosia?! Really? If you do actually, really & truly believe that, it could explain why you keep attracting men who treat you as if that’s all that matters. But damn! Let’s get real! That is not all you have to offer. We, as women, need to stop behaving as if the exterior is all that we have. Sure, being a woman is wonderful — we get to dress up, wear lipstick, etc. etc. — but that is not all there is! You know this already; I know you know this. So why do we keep acting as if we don’t?
We are taught, as women, that our sexual power is the most important thing we have. That we have to lord it over men to keep them in line, or in check, or to get them to do what we want. While a bit of mild flirtation has its benefits & makes everyone happy, using your vagina as a method of keeping a man interested is kind of disingenuous. Call me an idealist, but what happened to honesty?
Compound all this with this constantly-perpetuated pretense that all any man is really interested in is getting into your knickers, which is NOT TRUE. Yes, there are some men who just want to screw, nut & bolt (ahem). They have their own issues & are best avoided unless you like your sex life with a side serving of drama. But there are even more men who would actually really like to kick it with you, kiss, laugh, eat some food & go to sleep holding you. Seriously. They are all over the place.
Truth: Men are just as fascinated by women as women are by men. They think we’re so interesting — & they’re right! So if men know it, why don’t we? Time to catch up, girls.
Obviously, you don’t have to sleep with anyone. Ever. This is not a “get it on or you’re not a real woman” missive. It goes without saying that you should only ever get intimate with someone you really like, & who makes you feel good about yourself, & if it feels right to you. Sometimes that happens on the first date, & sometimes it doesn’t. You’re not obligated to behave in any particular way, but really what I’m trying to draw attention to is that we shouldn’t limit our behaviour because we believe we’re not good enough to keep someone if we don’t behave in this or that specific way.
It all comes down to self-love. When you really love yourself, you know how great you are. You’re not going to be freaked out & think that what lies behind your cute knickers is all that matters. You don’t start counting backwards to the end of the affair as soon as you begin taking your clothes off. You know you can make him laugh & make him think & spin his world three ways from Sunday. You have faith in your value as an awesome person & not just an example of idealised femininity. You recognise that the best times you can have with someone occur when you drop the I’m-a-woman-you’re-a-man stuff & just relate as people. When you realise that sex is fun but that’s not all there is.
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I was just going to say ‘magical vagina ambrosia’ – I love it! heh heh.
I’ve probably gone on 100 dates in the past 3 years and slept with a handful of them on the first date. I’ve never thought less of myself or them for it. the moment was there, the passion…I didn’t want to pass it up.
I love this. I’m so glad you’re willing to speak up as a sex-positive woman. We need more people to just be real like this. :-) Thanks for being fab.
Oh, and good article! It’s good to be reminded that these strange social habits are often nonsensical and subconsciously drummed into us. You’re good at putting life into perspective Gala, cheers!
Completely agree. Mindlessly adhering to these artificial rules only makes dating all the more unnatural!
I like this article! You should do what you feel like really – some women might sleep with men too early because of low self esteem, but others might ‘hold out’ because of low self esteem too I suppose. But y’know, if it feels right, go with the flow!
I’m a virgin, never had a boyfriend, never been on dates etc etc but my view on it is if you’re ‘in the moment’ then it’s right. But don’t just sleep with them because you want some or anything.
I slept with my boyfriend on our “first date” (i.e. drinks with the two friends who set us up – not most romantic night!) Granted there was some alcohol involved and neither of us have actually done anything like that before but it felt right.
And one year on we’re going to be celebrating our first mile stone anniversity, as well as looking for flats and planning the rest of our lives together!
Course, it may be luck/fate that we turned out to be each others “one” but just goes to show that it’s not a relationship breaker!!
hurrah! i hate all these societal “rules” about sex that unfortunately, mostly seem to apply to women – if you want a one night stand and the other participant is happy with that, then go for it. if you want to have sex on the first date and so does the other person, then go for it. if you both want to wait (or hell, if one person wants to wait), then wait. it’s that simple – or rather, it should be that simple.
Another great article :)
This is a message that women need to understand. Do what’s right for you. If you have an amazing connection with someone on the first date and if both of you want to have sex, then do it! If you just want to have a physical relationship, then just do that. If you want to wait, then just do that. Just do whatever feels right for you and don’t base it off of low confidence or fear.
Wow go Gala! I think this is my first time commenting, though I read religously and mentally comment all the time!! I am so in love and in LUST with this article! It’s about time we ladies learn that until we dictate our own rules, do what we like with who we like, we are never truly liberated, and that as long as we give over what our hearts’ (and other parts!) desire in hopes of doing what is proper, or “for the best”, we are fooling ourselves. And sometimes the passion is right there, and it can be fleeting, but why pass that up? Life is too short.
You have to do what is right for yourself in a situation like this. But it also helps if you know youself too, so that you can make an decision you will not regret.
I agree with Brittanny, don’t do it (or not do it) because you feel you should or should not. Those are usually societal pressures or rules or peer pressure coming to play.
I slept with my husband the first date/time we met… and we’ve been married for 12 years.
Haha, I slept with my boyfriend even before our first date. We’ve been going out for two years and are moving in with each other in less than a month and I wouldn’t trade our early experiences together for any thing. They were right for us.
That said, I LOVE the last paragraph of this article especially. I’ve been thinking a lot about the way I view love lately and your recent articles have all made me think about my position on the matter…thank you Gala!
I think the reasons people advise “don’t do it on the first date” are archaic 50’s style sensibilities, or a product of someone else’s experience. I think too many people have had awkward first dates – a lot of the time first dates are totally awkward and funny. Getting it on may exacerbate the awkward-ness and then who’s going to call whom after that?
Do what feels right when you’ve got your shit together (read: when you’re not booze-fueled). I think what this comes down to is knowing you’re f*ckworthy on that first date – if it happens, that’s great and if not, you’re still f*ckworthy. It’s not the f*cking, it’s the self respect.
Awesome article, Gala! I couldn’t agree with you more. I slept with my current boyfriend on our first date, and we’ve been together almost 5 years now. We own a business together, and we’re looking for a house to buy together soon. Sometimes you just know when something feels perfectly right.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom, as always!
I am so insanely happy that you wrote this.
“You recognise that the best times you can have with someone occur when you drop the I’m-a-woman-you’re-a-man stuff & just relate as people.”
You’re the best, Gala.
This was such an interesting perspective. Truthfully I’d be disinclined to sleep with guys on the first date not because of any sort of societal pressure, but because I’m having too much fun with the process of getting to know the guy and those giddy first flirtations are intoxicating enough!
I love this article. A man that loses respect for you because you sleep with him on the first date is NOT WORTHY OF YOUR TIME.
Love the article, humorous and very true.
Where are all the British Gala Darlings? If anything , we need more of you m’dear
x
Here’s another way of looking at it: the first days, weeks and months of a new relationship are so magical. You are constantly learning new things about each other, finding out what makes the other tick. You sit in the movie theater with your hand on the armrest between you and you can’t concentrate on the film because you’re willing his hand to reach out and touch yours. Every single moment like that is special and you’re making wonderful memories all the time.
If you jump straight to the sex stage on the first date, you miss out on all that fabulous anticipation. Before you know it, you’re going to the bathroom with the door open and the magic is gone.
Draw it out, I say. Relish every moment. Make memories. Don’t be in such a rush. Anticipation is quite delicious.
I really agree with this. I slept with my current boyfriend on the first date, and I have no regrets. We had an amazing connection in every way and it just felt right. Also, he is the only person that I have ever slept with on the first date, and he just happens to be the first to ever make me climax. We are living together now, and nearing our six month mark (which I know really isn’t that long) but I can tell that he is the one. I knew we were soulmates from the first time we talked. He did admit, though, that it made him rethink getting into a relationship, since he likes the “chase” and was afraid he might get bored as he had with many other girls. He hasn’t gotten bored yet, and we plan on being together for years to come. I’d say only do it if you feel it’s right and have gotten to know the person prior to the first date. It was totally worth it for me, but I think every situation is different.
This is a wonderfully empowering article! However, I would like to add just one footnote… Sex (or cuddling, for that matter) releases a hormone called oxytocin (links: www.oxytocin.org/cuddle and en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin) into the bloodstream, which, in women, promotes a feeling of closeness to their partner. In other words, having sex with someone makes you fall in love, somewhat… And it only wears off after two weeks! In men, the same event (different hormone, I believe) also takes place but it wears off much faster, in only two days.
This is not to say you shouldn’t have sex on a first date. Just be prepared to have confused feelings about someone who in reality is just not quite right.
Love,
Hannah
WHOOOHOOO GALA, SOME S-U-B-S-T-A-N-C-E.
My faith was beginging to sway.
eeeee, but i knew you where still aces.
hmm…and i had my first ever sleep-with-someone-on-the day-you -meet-them incounter the other week…
Annnd, allthough i think we now dont have enough in common to probably stustain a conversation
It was lovely and it happened night after night and i dont regret it.
From a guys perspective, I think this is a great article! And how appropriate is it for me to read this before my first date later today. Not that I’m gonna attempt to be persuasive with this argument but this quote explains it all.
“But there are even more men who would actually really like to kick it with you, kiss, laugh, eat some food & go to sleep holding you.”
Interesting article, but it’s very much a personal point of view and I disagree with it. I would never have sex on a first date.
It’s not as you say because I think “sex is the only value I bring” and that I’m “not good enough to keep someone”. It’s the opposite. As arrogant as it may sound, it’s about seeing if he’s good enough for me.
Most guys my age want casual sex and little or nothing more. I don’t, I want a real relationship. It’s a total mismatch, so by not sleeping with him, I can tell how serious he is by whether he sticks around.
Is that a sexist view to hold? No, it’s a realistic one. I’m English and it was less of an issue back home, but since I moved to France I’ve been sexually harassed nearly every day. Most young French men are sexual predators who assume that they can approach any woman and she’ll fall into bed with them.
So yes, most men do just want sex and at the risk of sounding like a b!tch, I deserve more than that.
I refuse to jump into bed with a stranger who gropes me in the street or tells me I’m beautiful on the bus. French friends say they’re flattered by it, but I don’t need or want that kind of compliment. My self-esteem is high enough that I don’t need it and my worth is totally unrelated to sex.
By all means, if you’re after casual sex then go ahead and have fun. There’s nothing wrong with it as long as that’s your aim.
But for me, I want a relationship and that’s my focus. Sex is secondary and when I get horny, that’s why we have vibrators and the internet!
This is GREAT GREAT GREAT post. I completely agree with everything you said. Women (and people in general) have so much more to offer than their sexuality and we need to stop acting like men won’t want us if we act the way we want to act. Sleep with him, don’t sleep with him — it doesn’t matter. What matters is doing what’s best for you, and, in order to know what’s best for you, you have to know who you are. Know yourself and love yourself, ladies!
I actually wrote about getting to know yourself on my own blog today. Check it out at: positivelypresent.typepad.com
It’s a good article from a personal perspective but it’s just not all that realistic. Like a couple others have said, if you’re just looking at is as fun, casual sex then it’s totally fine.. but the reality is, most don’t think the way you do, and chances are others wont realize you feel this way either (and i don’t really see you getting into long and in depth conversations like this on a first date) so it is bound to be misconstrued.
That being said, i’ve slept with many on the first day but that’s only because i knew i wasn’t interested in a relationship with them, so i knew there wouldn’t be any negative consciences. For every serious relationship i’ve been in (including my current one of over a year and a half) it’s always been sex on the second date… AFTER i’ve been able to communicate my feelings on the subject.
And this is coming from a very sex-positive human being. For me, communication is key, people don’t read minds.. guys especially.
When I was single, I had the same experiences as Abigail: “Most guys my age want casual sex and little or nothing more. I don’t, I want a real relationship. It’s a total mismatch, so by not sleeping with him, I can tell how serious he is by whether he sticks around.” — It’s nice to say jump into bed if you feel like it if the guy is a decent human being. But I sure met plenty who were looking for short-term entertainment.
Abigail – I think that the whole point is that you have to do what feels right for you. If you want to wait a while to have sex that’s perfectly fine, and so is the alternative. I do take issue with the allegation that most men only want sex. Generalizations aren’t very productive, in my opinion. I’m not trying to invalidate your experience, I just think that it makes it harder for men that aren’t only in it for sex to be open and upfront about it. I’m tired so I hope this all makes sense.
I agree with Abigail on this one, I like the more selfish point of view on this issue.
I understand that the whole point of is to be able to make your own choice and do what is right for you, but at the same time I feel that maybe this article is criticising those who would want to wait a while before having sex?
That’s not to say that I am a firm believer of no sex before marraige – far from it – but not wanting to have sex on a first date does not go hand in hand with low self esteem, as this article suggests.
My longest relationships were with people I slept with right away. HOWEVER, I am a little more wary about it now, and I am 31. I would not sleep with someone right away, not because I think it’s the only thing I have to offer, but because I think I have TONS to offer and I don’t want the main focus to be on sex right away. I’m not saying hold out forever, but at least there is a bit more intrigue. I think I am awesome and I want someone to show me how much they are into me before I screw them. This is based on the last several years of having guys be super into me and we had great fun but they never wanted anything more and I did. So now I will only have sex with someone when I know what they want.
There is also a huge player community now who LOVE to try and woo women into bed; it’s their whole agenda. I work in a bookstore and I see guys buying these types of books constantly.
So as much as I agree with you, I still think it’s good to be wary, especially if you are sensitive and want a relationship. There is never a guarantee either way – waiting won’t make a relationship happen and sleeping together right away doesn’t mean a relationship WON’T happen, but be smart about it and don’t sell yourself short.
Lovely post.
But, I do have to add that some girls tend to be very negative if you actually don’t follow the norm. As in, I’m at a stage in my life where I am not completely and utterly obsessed with having a boyfriend. I’m at ease with the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend and I want to be able to be a full “person”(as in able to hold my own, not be clingy, depending the lot) before I have a boyfriend. And everyone tells me how I am wasting my time and that I should get a boyfriend really fast blablablabla. Because I am not like everyone else, I am being kicked to the curve. I think women should just stop hating themselves and among themselves so much, we’re all such beautiful creatures in our way, it’s quite sad to see all this negativity!
A friend of mine pretty much always sleeps with guys and girls she fancies at the first opportunity, it’s usually her choice whether it becomes a relationship, which quite a few have and the rest good friendships. I am her polar opposite, I wait a long time before I sleep with someone I prefer to be friends first and I dislike relationships. Our different sexual attitudes have made no difference to the respect others have for us, men or women or that we have for ourselves.
So I say, do what feels right, and remember to be kind!
Thank you for this article, Gala! As it happens, I’ve spent a lot of time lately wondering why I feel that you should wait awhile before you have sex with a person you like, whereas most of my (female) friends are having sex on the first date. I didn’t feel they were wrong to do it as such, just that my instinct told me that one SHOULDN’T do it, for whatever reason.
Of course, having a low self-esteem, one probably would abstain from sex on the first few dates just to assure onself that it’s not just the sex that the other person is after.
I’m just going to make a quick comment about my personal experiences that contradict something you stated here –
You never hear guys telling one another, “Man, don’t bang her straight away! She won’t be interested any more! She’ll think you’re easy! That you don’t value yourself! Whatever you do, hold off!”I’ve had not one, not two, but THREE guy friends tell me that one of their number one rules after so many years of dating is that they don’t sleep with the other person on the first date. Why? They stated the same reason that girls give! Only – it’s not them they think is easy, it’s the girl. Weird, huh? I guess it only adds to the whole stereotype that women will think that the GUY thinks they’re easy if they “give it up” too early.
One guy friend even stated that he respected a woman more if she didn’t, and that the relationships were always better if things were more about other things than sex – at least on the first couple dates. ;p
this is great, gala! kudos to you!
If “Magical Vagina Ambrosia” was a perfume, I would wear it every day. There is a book called “Every Cowgirls Get the Blues” that says somewhere in its depths that if you stick a finger in yo secret juices in the morning and smear behind the ear, no man can resist you. Just a thought.
Personally, my sex drive can be in it’s highs and it’s lows. Kind of ridiculous, but speaking from a ‘sex on the first date’ experience, the guy actually expects sex ALL THE TIME! They seem to think that since I gave it up on the first date, that I’d be randy and up for it all the time.
So not the case.
The only good reason not to sleep with someone on a first date is to heighten the anticipation, but I always just give in to temptation…
Thats funny that you wrote about this because I just read an article about how if you sleep with a guy on a first date “statistics show” that he is less likely to do things like trace your hands and explore your body. But you know what? In my sociology class today we were talking about how society doesn’t equip men with the tools they need to learn to love and and be able to balance. Younger men have to learn how to love people and not just be on a mission to seek sex. I really do hope that isn’t true- I do believe that men find us interesting and that they can love, but I am not a man so alas.
Great article though, I love when you write about things I have been thinking about recently!
You and I are completely on the same wavelength on this one. Thank you!
I’m the type of person who sleeps with people on the first date, but then again I’m very picky about who I go on first dates with. I wouldn’t go on a date with someone who is obviously very aggressive, rude or even just boring! Of course you can’t really know someone completely on your first date, but being selective in the first place makes less messes at the doorstep later.
I feel as long as both parties are on the same page, communicative and and safe then it’s just fine to sleep with someone on the first date, or not. I take issue with society telling people to do one thing or the other, or labeling someone (slut, whore, prude, etc) based on their choices. Sex is something between the parties involved and so long as it’s safe and consensual people can do whatever they want with whomever they want for all I care! In the end it comes down to personal choice and we shouldn’t feel pressured one way or the other, or exclude someone based on their opinion.For the record, I slept with my current boyfriend on our first date which is not unusual for me. He shy by any standards but hadn’t slept with someone on the first date before. He was a little wary that we jumped into things to quickly and I was wary that he’d get too attached, but we were careful not to go from having sex to immediately falling in love and obsessing over one another. The physical aspect of our relationship is wonderful but I can say with certainty that it hasn’t clouded our judgment on each other and we have been able to communicate openly and effectively.
Big smiles over this, Gala!
Personally, I generally don’t fall into bed with someone upon the first meeting only because I am a huge fan of unresolved tension, and I like to remain in that state for as long as possible. I am also quite upfront about letting people know that, so there are no misconstrued messages or imagined games being played. However, I’ve certainly fucked people after the first meeting, and have had fabulous experiences doing that, too.
I think this is just one of those arbitrary “rules” — like “wait three days to call” or “don’t say I love you first” or…the list is kind of endless — that doesn’t do anyone any good.
Have sex if you (and the other person(s) involved) want to have sex. Don’t have sex if you don’t. Tell people you love them if you love them. Call someone if you want to talk to them. But don’t do or refrain from doing these things just because some faceless “Them” tells you that’s how you ought to behave. That’s what I think, at any rate.
(also, every time I see the “Virgos Do Disneyland” title I mis-read it as “Virgins Do Disneyland” and it makes me choke on my own tongue with laughter)
Hannah – I’d heard about that too and definitely experience it. I’ve fallen for the most unsuitable one night stands before and then after a few weeks as if by magic reality shows itself. I had a friend who decided not to sleep with a guy until she’d known them for three weeks in order to meet someone she really liked rather than fall for the love hormones…she didn’t have sex for ten years!!! So oxy-whatever it is hormone has a lot to say for itself!
Great article Gala – loved it!
I’m currently in a relationship with a guy that I slept with the same night I met him. It was supposed to just be a one-night stand, but it’s been over a year now! I think getting the sex “out of the way” (that sounds awful, I know) first thing, allowed us to spend more time getting to know each other, rather than spending so much of time anticipating (“gunning for”) our first time together. We were both very attracted to one anothers’ self-confidence, emotional maturity, and easy-going (NOT easy!) natures. Neither one of use were looking to get anything long term out of it, but that’s just what happened! It’s been such a nice surprise that something casual turned into something so beautiful. Just some additional proof that sleeping together early on doesn’t “rule out” the possibility of a real, long-term relationship. Great post!
Wonderful, amazing advice. Loved the bit about the magical vagina ambrosia. haha.
There is also something we should consider: we (men and women) are horny. We may want to just have sex and if it’s on the first date, then so be it. If the playtime between the two people is consensually casual, then I don’t see THAT much wrong with having sex on the first date.
But, everyone should have more respect for themselves, their bodies and other people. Sex is not something we should necissarily be so casual about.
Again, bravo gala!
My best friend married the guy she slept with after knowing him for 12 hours!
Ugh, thank god you posted this. I so agree with you.
Reading that “no sex on the first date” post made me sad, because it presupposes that harnessing your natural instincts is the only way to keep a dude in your life for more than five minutes. BULLCRAP, I say.
The only time I have ever slept with a guy on a first date was amazing and impulsive and beautiful. Our sexual relationship continued for a few more months and then ended, but we are still GREAT friends. He might in fact be my BEST friend. So obviously he doesn’t think of me as a walking vagina. Hooray!
awesome article, gala! wonderfully written. thanks for your insight!
I think I’m with Abigail on this one.
I’m quite with the opposite view that it takes low self esteem (I stress, in SOME cases not ALL) to sleep with someone on the first date.
Only from personal experience and having friends that have slept with many men on the first date out of low self esteem. Because deep down it can be thought that “I am not worthy of more of his attention so sex is the only way to ‘get’ him”.
I am not on the dating scene and never really was. All my partners have found ME. But I see my friend and as much as I love her, she has been used many times by men who just want sex. Of course not all men are like that but a lot of them are. Some are predators and she has told me awful stories of these guys. So if you’re meeting that many men with no prior communication with them, its basically just random sex and can get you in a lot of trouble. It’s just not worth it.
That said if it’s worked for you and you’ve come out with a wonderful relationship then more power to you. Everyone is different. :-)
YES. Finally. Well said Gala.
@Nephtune: Ten years?! Oh my Goddess! But yeah, for me it’s a personal experience too. Things can get super f***ed up because of the confusing emotions. Oh well, I’m sure we’ll get over it. Women are not the silly, helpless beings society and science make them out to be.
It’s amazing to see personal experiences with “boyfriend material” differ so much. Ultimately it just depends on what the two of you want and whether these desires match, of course.
Great article! I feel like this is something that really needed to be said.
I still think it’s better to wait until you are in a steady relationship. I’d much rather be with a man who didn’t mind waiting! Patience is important to me.
Gah, it used to be “wait until you get married”. What happened to our generation? We want EVERYTHING, and we want it RIGHT NOW. Very tiresome, really.
=] Thank you.
You are really great.
Thank you thank you thank you! This really struck a chord!
I’m been doing some writing on a similar idea – basically that if you’re so scared he’s going to flee post-sexing (the whole ‘why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ concept), why the fuck would you be interested in such a manipulative, shallow twat?
Again, thank you. We’re back to articles, hooray!
I see what you are saying, and in some ways I agree, but I don’t think just telling women that having sex on a first date doesn’t make you easy and less worthy of respect, men need to learn this too. I have heard many males say that they respect women less if they have sex too soon, and even male relationship experts advise women to wait if they want the relationship to last.
I think its really nice to take things slow at the start of a relationship. It makes you appreciate the little things like holding hands and first kisses, and the anticipation builds up. Yum.
Also, personally I need to have a huge amount of trust in a person before I can get intimate with them, which only comes with time spent getting to know each other.
I wouldn’t look down on any woman who chooses to sleep with a man on a first date, but its not the choice I have ever made and I doubt I ever will.
Fantastic article Gala! About time somebody said that!
When it’s right it’s right. Women are in control of their own sexuality as much as men are. The idiots who continue to perpetuate the idea that they are not are not worth sleeping with anyway!
Magical vagina ambrosia?! Best saying ever!
The last guy I had a “one night stand” with ended up being my boyfriend a year later. And now we’ve been together for over 6 years. It never would have happened if it wasn’t for that one drunken New Years Eve.
I feel sort of pathetic because this hasn’t even been an issue for me. Coming out of a long term relationship about a year ago I started to try some online dating. I’m kind of new to this city and everyone I seem to meet is married or dating someone so for me it seemed like the best option to meet guys.
Let me tell ya tho, I’ve never been tempted by the guys I’ve been on dates with – they have mostly been blah thus far. Maybe it has to do with the fact that it is almost like a blind date situation, where you don’t even know the person. It might be different if it was a friend of a friend.
I think if the vibe was right I might sleep with someone on the first date…so we’ll see.
I am also interested to here GLBT input on this.
Great post Gala. I’m so sick of reading manipulative negative simplistic BS under the guise of “dating self help”.
It was really refreshing to read something intelligent and sex positive for a change :)
Gala –
I enjoy your blog oh-so-much. This is the first time I’ve commented because I’ve been thinking about this particular subject for a while. I whole-heartedly agree that self-love is important, especially before you can even imagine committing yourself to a relationship. I also think that women shouldn’t have such strict rules when it comes to sex and that having a good time shouldn’t make a you a slut. (Though, there’s always a line) A lot of men I know WON’T sleep with a woman they find interesting; they can’t stand her company long enough to get to that part of the date. So, I feel that the fact a man will sleep with you (on any date) should be reassuring about his opinion of you. I’m also comfortable enough with myself to sleep on a first date and not worry if he calls or something happens. I had a good time (hopefully) and if something happens, then great! If not, that’s one more fun experience I have to remember when I’m 90 and not getting any attention!
I would mostly agree with you, but I also must say that there are certainly men out there who DO just want sex, who DO lose interest once you “give it up.” I know because I have unfortunately recently been entangled with two of them. So I would really LIKE to believe this—I do, deep down—but I’ve been so pissed off and hurt by people in the past that I’m not in a place right now where I can move that quickly and feel safe. Perhaps in a year or so I’ll be more balanced.
I think the other thing is a lot of people advocate waiting so he will have a chance to fall for the awesomeness that is you and if you give it up too quick he will do the screw, nut & bolt (haha! love it) before he’s reached that stage.
But it works both ways. One of the few regrets of my life was about 150 years ago when I set my sights on some guy and it was all based on the physical. Then I got him and he was into me way more and I realised how shallow I had been but had no interest in a deeper relationship.
There’s probably no formula for getting it right. It just comes down to the 2 individuals involved and where each of them are in their lives. I had already slept with the guy who became my husband (it wasn’t even a 1st date – it was just hanging out!!) and was hopelessly waiting for him to have feelings with me … eventually he did big time but only after he thought I was getting back with my ex-boyfriend).
The scientific studies say avoid it for a lasting relationship. Check out Kate Devlin’s article on first date sex in the 16 Jan 09 Telegraph (UK)
Surely this is left over from a time before birth control. It makes so much sense to wait if there’s the danger that unless you marry him first, you will have to raise a child all alone. Honestly, I think birth control is the most empowering thing to happen to women…ever.
Great post, Gala. When I first saw the title, I thought “oh no, Gala wouldn’t think that, would she?”, but I think your analysis is spot on.
People ask me how I got together with my boyfriend and how long we’ve been dating. Neither of us know how to answer – we slept together on the first night we met, it wasn’t even a date!
And honestly, we wouldn’t be together if I hadn’t decided to go home with that night. I was going back home to New Zealand (from Canada) the very next day. If we’d only kissed goodnight, we might have stayed in touch but it wouldn’t be like it is now. We’ve had an intense long distance relationship for the last 5 months and we’ve only got 5 more weeks to go! squee (Can you tell I’m excited?)
The only issue I have with how we got together is – oh my goodness what am I gonna tell our families… blush
I lost my virginity on a first date as well, and it so ranks up there in the “awesome memories” list. shrugs
That said, I also have a lot of people I get involved with and I state right off the bat, “There will be no sex as part of what we do together, unless we establish an ongoing ‘thing’”. So for me, it depends on the situation. If it feels right, then go for it ;)
Love this article! One of your best yet!!
...but then again, can’t we love ourselves enough to decide that WE, not the norms of a culture, or the ignoring of those norms, get to decide when we have sex? Maybe I love myself to not sleep with him on the first date, but enough to wait until I’m sure that this is an experience I want.
Great article!
Honestly, I think that if he’s not interested in you anymore if you sleep with him on the first date, he wasn’t going to stay anyway. If he’s that kind of guy, he wouldn’t have waited.
A very interesting issue, Gala. I agree with you on many of the issues. But wait for it, I have a real life case scenario here:
On their first date, one of my closest girl friends slept with a good boy friend of mine from uni. She was beguiled by his manner and his sensitivity.. and all the plans they had made together! Then he never spoke to her again. She was devastated for months and months. Even now, I can tell it has made a significant crack in her self esteem.
As liberating as it is to imagine what it would be like to bin the rules of sexual etiquette, I just can’t see it happening. Not because I don’t like the idea, but it has become an ideal so firmly entrenched in social dynamics: don’t sleep with him, he won’t call you, you’ll be devastated. It has become an instinctive fear in the minds of women everywhere. This is not because we’re so needy, meagre and pathetic, but because rejection FEELS awful.
I have no doubt that this has something to do a deft mix of patriarchy and biology… but that’s another story altogether.
Apart from all you said (which I agree with), this myth that’s perpetuated that says that women don’t want sex, can lead the nice boys, the ones you really want, to be far too inhibited. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been crushed by apparent rejection from a boy I knew was interested, only to find out after much unnecessary angst that he thought he was doing the “right thing” by turning down the offer of sex.
EEEK!! Something always bothered me about the no sleeping on first date rule and now i have a hint why.
Saying that i would still feel uncomfortable sleeping with someone on the first date just because i hardly know the person.
Standing ovation!
Great post. However, I’m a totally arrogant girl, and that may be the rason why I think it’s so great. I so arrogantly believe that I will not date a guy who wont fall in love with me on the first date. I love myself SO much, that it doesn’t matter if we sleep together or not, when I want the sex is when I’ll get it. The “magic” at the beginning, when you haven’t gotten intimate, yes, that’s fun and feels crazy, but it’s not real. The feeling of twitterpation is such an uncomfortable mind-game that, although I do crave it at times, is so relieving to get over. I’d rather be as real as possible with a new lover, get past all that crap, so you can dream about the world together. The problem with this theory is that some girls aren’t as inlove with themselves… and it takes more than an article to convince them to be. There are so many girls out there who do get too attached and heartbroken, and don’t know how to take sex lightly. They were raised in a different light, or the chemicals in their brains are different. Sex on the first date is advised against for those girls. Bringing up another idea… what does “easy” mean with girls who are in love with themselves and with girls who are scared of themselves?
WOOO!!! I am woman, hear me roar! And moan … and sigh …
Great, great, great article. Empowerment of women. Rock it.
As long as it’s not for the wrong reasons first date sex is fine in my books!
And as youve said if they lose interest after that theyre losers anyway!
I just like to make sure they aren’t losers if i dont really know them that well, but generally you’ll get that vibe on the date!
It really depends on the guys though. I had a ‘reputation’ when I was younger (and was lacking in self respect, very depressed etc) because I would just have sex whenever pretty much any guy wanted it. I felt it was the only thing i was possibley good for. Of course i see differently now… I think the attitude of the place I live (very backwards in some regards) really stops alot of females from embrassing their sexuality in the way youv’e suggested. It’s such a shame I don’t think anyone should have to endure what I did as a young girl trying to discover her sexuality.
It’s all well and good to say yes this doesnt make me dirty, which it absolutely does not, but when everyone else seems to think that it does it makes it rather difficult. As much as I’d like to say ‘Fuck what haters think’ People attitudes really do have a major impact on my (our?) well being!
I think you just have to surround yourself with positive people who see this in the same light. Which I’ve done now and am greatful for, though theres always the odd person who will still bring up rediculous things years on…
I do recall you writing an article mentioning first date sex before… I think you had a slightly different take on it then? I must re-read!
That’s one of the things I love about this blog Gala is seeing your own development and change. Reminds me that awesome personalitys like yourself are human ;)
How much do I love this article? THIS MUCH!! ;)
Seriously, the whole dating concept is a bit foreign to me (...I don’t think I’ve ever actually been on a date? Here we mostly just… sort of fall into casual/not so casual relationships ;p), but I love sex. & with the right person, I don’t see why I’d wait. I’m aware that this is a very personal choice, & I whole-heartedly agree that everyone should do what feels right for them, but I won’t be made to feel ashamed because I’ve slept with someone ‘too soon’. Whether it ends up working out or not!
Also: sexual compatibility is important to me. (Does that make me shallow?) & I’d rather know sooner than later. Once again, personal choice! ;)
Where do STDs come into this?
Holly Elle- When you use protection and common sense just like in any other sexual situation?
Whether it’s first date or later down the line their STD situation won’t change!
The reason I don’t have casual sex is because I don’t want to devalue myself when a guy comes around that I really want to give that to. Is that really old school/sexist/twisted thinking? Seriously, I don’t know. I’ve never thought that MAYBE it wouldn’t devalue the act….
Help?
i totally agree with you, gala. but i’m not going to lie, i do love my magical vagina ambrosia, haha.
I never thought I’d do the whole sex on first date thing, due to years of my friends telling me how bad it is. I slept with a guy on the first day two and a half months ago in a passionate moment. We have been together ever since, we’re completely loved up and the sex keeps getting better and better.
I’d just add one thing to this article; may sure you and your partner practice safer sex by using a condom. I think a crucial element of self esteem is staying healthy physically as well as emotionally and sexually. : )
Wow, I’m quite surprised at the amount of girls here who slept with their guy on the first date and are still with him…
Looking around at other couples, I’ve noticed that those who ‘wait’ tend to last, and the ones who have sex earlier on never get serious. Though to be honest, I think those girls do it in a bid to ‘keep’ a guy – which just backfires!
I would never sleep with a guy on a first date. There’s nothing wrong with a smart, empowered woman doing so because she wants to. But it takes me a while to develop a strong connection, attraction… I love the build-up of sexual tension!
cool =)
It’s so important for people to question why they are /really/ doing things, feminism still has a lot of changes to aid.
I don’t think I would have sex on a first date, but it would be more about trust and time then any freaky seductress complex! If I were to, it would come from a place of security and I would never want to feel ashamed!
And it will always be true, strength is a 100 x stronger if it comes from yourself.
Jerks are jerks no matter what. They’ll either call you or they wont, whether you have sex or you don’t have sex. The way I see it, if you’re on a date with a way sexy guy, and you want to have sex with him, then go for it. Who knows if you’ll get the chance to again?
I actually find a slightly different problem with sleeping with someone on the first date, it’s such a shame because I am apprehensive not because of any self-esteem issues I would have with myself and my relationship with a new guy, I am apprehensive because I usually don’t think enjoying myself with said guy is worth the grief I’ll get from other women, friends even. It doesn’t seem like exploring new chemistry is worth risking my existing bonds. But I hate these situations where women keep each other from fulfilling themselves physically and emotionally, all in order to maintain the idea our society has about women being “sluts” for practicing sexual freedom.
All that said, Thank You Gala!!!
viva la sexually free (and safe) revolution :)
you know, i slept with a guy on the first date (well, within five hours of meeting him, actually)...
we tied the knot four months later and this past march was our second anniversary.
every day i fall deeper in love with this man. :)
Gala, I am so glad that you are saying something about this. I recently had this argument with my girlfriends about a week ago. At the time, I was talking with this guy for WEEKS before we actually went on our first date. I did not see a problem with sleeping with him on the first date. My friends, however, thought it was the worst idea ever. They too thought that if I “gave it up” that he would not be interested in me. Even though we have already talked for weeks and planned future dates. Honestly, why would someone try that hard to get into my pants? And whats wrong with me wanting to get into his pants? IDGI. I didnt have sex on the first date(we didnt want to just hump in a car lol), but we did on the second date. We are still dating. And I’m happy.
Wow, that was a long rant. Haha. Thanks again, Gala!
I think that when you sleep with someone for the first time should be decided by when you both feel comfortable about doing so. If that happens to be the first night you meet, then good for you.
Personally I like to get to know people a little better before they get into my pants. But I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years so the casual dating scene is very far away from me, and I kind of like it that way.
awesome post :DD You’re completly right, as always…I don’t think I personally would sleep with a guy on a first date, but that’s me. I love you Gala!!
With you all the way Gala! Awesome.
My current boyfriend of almost 2 years and I joke about how our one night stand never ended:) I think things are changing though, because my friends were okay with it. On the other hand, I run with a pretty liberal, bordering crazy, crowd, so who knows.
Oh, Gala. Now all the readers are going to think that the ones who do hold out on sex have low self-esteem. It’s not true! I’m just desperately trying to fend off randy boys because I’m asexual and no one seems to get it because I’m cute. T_T
I sleep with all my guys on the first date. I have to find out straight up if they can satisfy my most immediate needs, after all! Some would say I’m easy, I just say I’m not into wasting my time.
I personally don’t think sex on the first date is a great idea, especially if you don’t know the person terribly well. It’s not because I have think that it would make a girl a slut or make a man respect her less, but for more safety related reasons. Maybe it’s just me personally but sex is a time I feel very vulnerable and I don’t want to be that vulnerable and open with someone I don’t know very well yet. Plus I’m quite OCD about diseases and ask for a copy of the results of an STD for anyone I’m going to sleep with.
this is the only time i’ve completely disagreed with you, gala. i mean, i think the issue is less of empowerment and more of self-preference. in fact, i think empowerment has little to do with it. basically everything would be fine if everyone (men and women included) read this blog and saw your point of view. the sad thing is, the majority of the world doesnt (if they did the world would be an amazing placeeee) and the majority of the world still adheres to old ideas when it comes to personal morals. i am extremely outspoken and the first one to do my own thing whenever i want, but i think when our bodies and emotions are involved, sometimes completely giving yourself to someone in the most intimate way possible to someone you dont even know isn’t such a good idea. who knows, you just may fall in love with them, and that possibility alone makes banking on the idea that the guy you’re with has the same morals as you kind of risky.
not only that, being that most of my friends ARE guys, pretty much all of them i know DO view a girl differently after sex on a first date. not that they automatically think she’s a slut, but i PROMISE you for some reason they all seem to respect girls who hold out just a little longer. it’s not right, but it just IS. so knowing this makes me less likely to sleep with a guy i dont know, that way if things don’t work out i know that the fact i had sex with him on the first date had nothing to do with it. seriously,sometimes for guys that IS the deal breaker. sad, i know.
i just think trusting someone you hardly know in that way can sometimes be a huge mistake. the real world isn’t sex and the city. in the real world, not every guy is going to be interested after they’ve already gotten as physically intimate as possible with you. sorry. i think people tend to forget that sometimes during sex emotions can be involved, some you may never thought you were capable of feeling.
if the girl wants to do it, then by all means they should. but they should also be prepared for whatever consequences may follow, and i promise – sometimes sex can have a lot of them.
or how about this…. you sleep with a guy you just met, and don’t know that despite the fact he held the door and paid for dinner – HE’S A TOTAL ASSHOLE! he blabs to all his gross friends about the sex you had (this happens – i’ve been the listening gross friend before) and gives intimate details, or sometimes even embellishes it. i highly doubt any of us here are deserving of that kind of treatment. stuff like this can tarnish a reputation, which really sucks, because a reputation is something you just cant clean up with windex. sex on the first date can set you up for that… just keep in mind. i’d rather have people know me for what’s awesome about me, not how easy it is to get me in bed or what i like to do once we hit the sheets. sorry, i just wouldnt dare trust a stranger with that kind of info anymore….. i mean really, when i think of some of the boys i’ve let see me in my most intimate state, i wish i could just take it all back. basically because i know if i’d have known them better…. sex with those assholes would be out of the question. they just werent good enough for me, to be honest. but there was little way for me to have realized them on the first date… when i’ve only known them for a few HOURS!
my thing is, i think holding out a little longer until you know them a little more, even until the 3rd date would be safer. for your body and your heart.
I have had long and meaningful relationships with boys I have slept with on the first date, boys I hook up with not intending to even have a relationship and boys that I haven’t slept with for the first month.
I really think it depends on the kind of boy that it is, and how you feel about the situation. It is definatley not a solid fact that a man will think less of you if you sleep with them on the first date.
I enjoyed this article.
I wouldn’t sleep with someone I didn’t know on the first date for two reasons. The first (and I can’t believe no one has mentioned this) is STDs. Helloooooooo!!! You don’t know the sexual history of someone you just meet and I’m sure I don’t need to tell any of you that condoms don’t protect you from everything.
The second is just that I prefer getting to know someone a little and reaching a level of comfort that probably very rarely happens on a first date. Tension is awesome too.
Great article! I’m digging on all these alternative-relationship-theory essays!
Even the most liberal-minded people find themselves adhering to really archaic “i’m the man, you’re the woman” dynamics. While I think there are a lot of practical reasons for waiting to have sex with someone new, it’s true that there shouldn’t be any hard-and-fast rules for dating… Especially rules that degrade both men and women, by painting the boys as only out for sex and girls as only having that to offer.
“we shouldn’t limit our behaviour because we believe we’re not good enough to keep someone if we don’t behave in this or that specific way.”
a good point, but in more cases, i have seen a girls put out because they think that it will make them good enough for the person to stay with them.
can’t say i agree much with this article but it was nice to hear another perspective, one i hadn’t even thought of.
Here’s a positive spin for it: I am so amazing in bed I could keep any guy around and begging for more. But I’d like to see if my personality is the main event keeping him around.
Not saying everyone is entirely confident with their skills in bed, but if you turn out to be sexually compatible that really could be enough to keep some guys hanging around. But it’s what’s in your head and your heart that they should become infatuated with BEFORE they know how awesome you are in bed. Just an idea.
It can be pretty easy for fall for someone based on incredible sexual compatibility without even knowing much about their heart/soul. A mind blowing orgasm may be like seeing the person through rose colored glasses. Yeah it’s a huge benefit, but for a long lasting, honest relationship you need more than amazing sex.
I don’t know how i feel about sex on the first date, because i don’t have sex period. none of my friends do they’re all in long term relationships anyhow.
i do know one girl who always hooks up with guys. and then when they don’t call she gets all upset. No matter how nice they are you can’t predict that they won’t call. She is the kind of girl that needs to keep her legs together, because she doesn’t love herself. I mean i felt bad at first and it’s repetitive, and i can’t find a lot of sympathy for people who continuously make the same mistakes. now i just sound really cruel. i promise i’m not.
With my current love, we made out on our first date. That was it. I gave him a five month waiting period (turned into two though) only because in the past I have been dumped after giving it up on the first date. Not fun in the least unless you have an agreement that you’re in it for a one night thing.
While I think a woman should do as she pleases when on a date, I personally wouldn’t anymore with guys I don’t know. If I’ve known the person for awhile then that’s fine on the first date. I know what I’m in for. With someone I just met, while I love spontaneity like I love my handbag, it wouldn’t be wise.
I have actually heard men get the “don’t do it on the first date”. I think when my mother told me not to do it on the first date it was fear of me either getting pregnant, emotionally hurt or an STD. Basically a “safety first” thing instead of “I’m oppressed by the patriarch, my darling feminist daughter, be as I am.”
This was definitely a good article. One that made me think unlike most articles I’ve read lately.
SUCH a fantastic writeup…bottom line is if he stops being interested in you because you “gave it up” then he wasn’t worth your time in the first place!
First of all: Very hot pictures. ;P
And wow, this was a great article. As a teenage girl who hasn’t managed to drag nearly enough boys into bed, I get called a slut and a whore on the daily by people who know nothing about me. Because of the fact that I believe in sexual freedom (done responsibly, obviously- birth control, consensual, etc.) and am vocal about advising my shockingly ignorant friends and peers on birth control, they assume that I’ve slept with thousands of guys.
I’ve slept with two. TWO!
But I believe social pressure shouldn’t inhibit your sex life. I personally don’t have sex right away, but I’ll fight like hell for other people’s ability to shag like bunnies without being stigmatized… thanks for this again, Gala. I could be on my soapbox all day but I guess I’m done… :)
Wow a lot of this is really similar to stuff posted by the girls at www.selfabsorbed.me – are you guys collaborating?! :P Here are some relevant articles I think you might be interested in, if you haven’t read them already:
www.kizmeet.com/blog/?p=305
www.selfabsorbed.me/mcnuggs
www.selfabsorbed.me/when
Anyway you make really really good points; I just hope enough self-conscious girls in today’s media-obliterated society read them. :)
Oh, Gala. I love you :D
also, I love the phrase ‘magical vagina ambrosia’. AWESOME.
OMG “magical vagina ambrosia” Gala this article is FAB!!!
Some possible reasons to sleep with a guy as soon as you want to (within a few minutes, or hours):
-What if the girl just wants some entertainment?
- He is pretty … but kinda boring, and she needs him to do something else with that mouth other than say stupid things
- If he’s an arsehole and won’t call back, the sooner you find out, the better. And if you sleep with him first, at least you’ve had the pleasure of having him.
- You might decide you don’t like his technique and can’t be bothered teaching him. If you wait 3 weeks, you have wasted a lot of time.
- You have just spent a lot of money on taking him out to dinner and gig tickets, and you want to get your money’s worth out of the evening
- The movie is boring
- Roommate is out
- Parents are out
-Husband is out (have to do it rather quickly)
- You read about this new sexual technique in Cosmopolitan and are just itching to try it out, but you need a live man to try it with
- You want to.
- You are both hopelessly in lust and neither of you can help yourselves (so romantic) (but remember the condoms!)
I totally agree Gala … basically, be safe, but do what you want to … and be open to new experiences …. don’t hold yourself up as being “better” than other people who choose to have sex at whatever time for whatever reason, and, oh, I dunno, try a new sexual position every day…
xx
right on sister!
the last man i slept with on the first date
is now my husband!!!!!
and he LOVES to kick it with me, and snuggle…
::big sunny smiles::
helllll yes.
this article made my evening. I completely agree with you, it’s what I’ve been trying to articulate since I read the “don’t sleep with him on the first date” article you posted earlier, but of course you said it far better than I ever could
much love (:
Yes, some men only do want sex. But they are few.
A woman’s intuition and a bit of self esteem, enough to know what type of guy you deserve goes a long way in weeding out those guys.
I agree with arguments on both sides of the fence today but ultimately, what’s right for me might be different for the next girl across from me.
Respect and love yourself. Know that any guy should be so lucky to get naughty with you! Even if that means sex on the first date or the 50th, demand respect!
By the way, I TOTALLY agree with what you say when asking why it’s our responsibility to withold sex. It doesn’t make any sense! Certainly hold out if you’re not comfortable or don’t want to – but not because that’s ‘our role’. I mean, wtf?! Make the man play hard-to-get for once! I enjoy sex too, dammit!
Way to go!!! Nobody could have said it better!
besos!
I love how everyone is throwing the word “slut” around like it’s the most horrible thing that you could be as a woman. I`m what would be considered a slut, and guess what – my life is pretty damn awesome!
Of my sexual encounters(of which there were many – and most “first dates”), yeah, there has been some bums. But alot of them have introduced some incredibly awesome people into my life, and I’m proud to say that most of them are really true friends.
I’ve also slept with my boyfriend of 4 years on the first date, and we are still going strong – ready to keep pace for another 100 years (if only our bodies last that long!)
Maybe I totally have a wild and crazy view of sex, but I feel like my emotions/feelings and thoughts are more precious and sharing those is more intimate than a hump. The way I see it, sex is sex – if you’ve had it once, it will be the same with different people, just with varying degrees of hotness/kinkiness. Personally, I’ve had the best connections with people that I have humped on the first date.
The one thing that I do have to take issue is that there is this impression from some of the comments that women need a man to make us valuable. You want to talk about a real 50’s hold back, that’s one right there. Be in a relationship because you want to be, not because you aught to be. Get married if you want to be, not cause you aught to be. And why the hell not – have sex on the first date (or casually) or don’t – but don’t think that it will be the only thing hindering your ability to have an amazing relationship with someone. Your life is your own to live and a marriage, kids, a house, a boyfriend, it’s not going to make it more valuable if you are not happy and enjoying every second of it.
Oh and all those guys saying that they respect girls less if they hump on the first date should stop trying to get a girl into bed! I think the reality of the situation is that they are afraid of making a commitment, and have found a bullet proof excuse with that one. If you really want to respect a girl, then don’t try and get her in bed – drop her at her door with a sweet goodnight kiss and be on your merry way – cause as they say – it takes 2 to tango (or do the horizontal rumba!![]())
Ok – soooooooooooo seriously done now.
‘‘a- I had a guy hold out on me!
It was so odd! But at the same time it made me think about the roles of the sexes and how I kind of just expected him to go along with it. Eye opening!
Fantastic article Gala!! I am going to send this to my girlfriends :)
Absolutly wonderful article Gala! I agree completely! As long as you’re absolutly safe, of course. But if I went on a date with a person that I had SO MUCH chemestry with that I just couldn’t keep the ol’ ambrosia in my cute frilly knickers, theres nothing stopping me! A girls gotta trust her body and live her life, you know? ;)
Thanks Gala, great article and at the perfect time, as always ;-)
If you don’t respect yourself doing it, that’s fine, there’s no pressure in doing so. I’ve slept with my man on the first date. I hadn’t been with anyone for 3 years prior to him and we’ve been together for 3 years.
I really don’t see how sleeping with a man on the first date can be wrong or make you seem easy. It depends on how you “deliver” yourself too and what kind of man (or woman) you’re dealing with. I’d kept our date fun, interesting, full of great conversation topics, I didn’t make it seem like we were JUST having a fling. I bluntly asking him “Are you going to kiss me or what?” and one thing lead to another! He didn’t find me disgusting or skanky. Instead, he saw me as independent, a girl who goes for the things she wants and he said it made him adore me the fact that I was so straight forward and that I was definitely as attracted to him as he was attracted to me.
So no, definitely do not agree with the whole “do not sleep with him on the first date”. It isn’t a bad case which will ultimately lead to nowhere.
I had a huge post before, but it didn’t make it through :( very annoyed.
I agree, don’t hold back because thats what people tell you too. If you want to, do it. If you don’t, then don’t. It’s been four decades since women fought for equal rights, more then that since we were granted control over our own sexuality and bodies with the invention of the pill, so why are we still in this frame of mind where women can’t own their sexuality?! Sure, there’s jerks out there, but whether you sleep with him on the first date or the twentieth, he’s still going to say what you want to hear to get you in the sack (what’s that old saying? Men will say I love you to get the woman into bed, and the woman will get into bed for the guy to say he loves her?). There are always people out there who will say anything to get what they want, not just guys.
Nothing is going to change if we hold back because we think the guy isn’t going to respect us for jumping him on the first date. And really, do we really want to be with a guy who thinks in that way, anyway? There’s another old saying that fits perfectly in here; if the guy sleeps around, he’s a stud, but if a woman does, she’s a slut. And women are going to continue being stigmatized (particularly by other women too!) if we don’t change our views on female sexual gratification. As soon as a girl goes and sleeps around, she’s labelled damaged goods, has low self esteem, has daddy issues, can’t be fulfilled, etc. etc.
a lot of my friends in long term relationships met their partners in one night stands, and i’m happy to say after knowing these guys, I know that they never thought differently of my friends after they put out on the first night, and that they would’ve pursued them regardless. So putting out or not isn’t going to effect whatever relationship you will have with the guy if he’s a keeper.
And now I’m going to stop – I’m in my last year of a BFA and this topic has a LOT to do with my body of work this year so I could go on and on until the cows came home!! xx
@ [ t a y l o r ]
I suppose I’d have been just as taken aback, come to think of it!
didi I love you!! Hahaha best comment ever.
And I agree. Sex is SO MUCH FUN, I absolutely love it. My current bf and I did it on the first date, I wasn’t necessarily after a relationship, I just wanted to get in his pants. And vice versa.
I have sex on the first date because I couldn’t have a relationship with someone that I wasn’t sexually compatible with.
this is perfect, gala. exactly how i think. a few of my friends lately have been of the opposing opinion, but THIS is how i feel – and obviously, that’s what matters. i’m glad you feel this way, too. inside, i have fireworks. i love you!
I obviously respect your personal opinion, but I utterly disagree with it! My views on dating are more like “Sunset”‘s !
I can definitely see your opinion here, though I personally am against sex before marriage in general. It is sexist to think that all men (and only men) are just looking to get laid. The fact is (and I’m speaking as a girlfriend and a sister) MEN LIKE GIRLS FOR MORE THAN THEIR VAGINAS! As I said before, I’m against sex before marriage. Because of this, I’m a virgin. And I’m dating a virgin. And we are in love (likely going to get married), but not having sex. Despite what many people believe, he’s not just sticking through all this to get into my pants. It’s just too much trouble if he really wanted that.
And, alternatively, there are guys who just want sex. It’s sad, but true. Just as it’s sad but true that there are WOMEN who just want sex. People seem to forget that.
So, overall, I think that you should avoid sex on the first date. But I also think you should avoid it on the second date. And the third. And the fourth. And… well, you get my point. But I see what you mean about it being sexist. And it is. There are probably just as many women out there who just want to get laid as there are men. And if we lived our lives in fear of those people, then we’d never get into ANY relationship.
Incidentally, if anyone’s curious about why I have the beliefs that I do about sex, it’s for several reasons.
1. I want my honeymoon to be special. If you’ve already been sleeping together for months, then how is it any different than normal? Because you have a paper that says it is? I don’t think so.
2. Sex is an important step, and I don’t think it should be taken lightly.
3. I think that it means more when it’s in the bonds of marriage.
4. Marriage is my goal in life (I have others, but marriage is right at the top)
5. Religious reasons. This is listed last because, well, even if it weren’t for my religion then I’d still save it for marriage.
Thus ends my rambly report.
Do what makes you happy and feels right!
If it doesn’t feel right, don’t.
If it does, jump in with both feet, high heels and all.
Everybody deserves a chance at happiness and freedom!
magical vagina ambrosia. WIN!
haha this is so extreme. some people are like yeeeah sex and others are like i get std checks from any man i touch hahaha amazing, the world is great
men are here to spread the seed and thats all. and if you happen to get arealtionship out of it then its a bonus haha
First, I have to say that Abigail’s comment about French boys made me laugh (I’m a French girl). Really, you shouldn’t take it so seriously: they’re not really trying to sleep with you, it’s more of a silly “virility” thing they do. But it can be annoying, I agree.
Second, I think people should stop living by rules and beginning going with their instincts. Sometimes, sleeping with someone on the first date feels absolutely right, sometimes it doesn’t. If it doesn’t, never let anything pressure you into doing it. But if it feels right, why restrain yourself? I slept with a boy on our first date (which was more of a chance encounter as a matter of fact) and what should have been a one-night-stand turned into a real relationship. We’ve been living together for three years now.
Would we have the same relationship if we hadn’t had sex on the first night? Probably. I don’t think it really mattered one way or another, and I don’t think it ever does eventually (the important thing is the connexion you feel with someone). If a boy loses respect for you because you’ve had sex on the first date, he’s probably someone you don’t want to get into a relationship with. So, nothing lost here!
Ahhh Gala, another wonderful, insightful article! I love it! The man I have at this moment, and are planning to have for a long time, was a first date sex recipient. I had wanted him for aaaages but even though we hit it off completely in every way I still felt guilty that I slept with him on the first date and told him not to tell anyone! Silly, guilt ridden moi! This article just really made me ponder and now I think I did the right thing by me. It was my choice and obviously the right one because we’ve been together for over a year now and are hopelessly in love!
Amazing article! I’m loving reading all the replies.
I didn’t sleep with this guy on the first date but did spend a very sexy whole weekend together VERY soon after meeting each other. I did do the whole ‘oh dear, this is the curse its all down hill from here’. Needless to say it was the guilt in your article, we also went on our ‘proper’ first date last night and it was JUST as shy, akward and cute and sleeping together didn’t change any of the magic. It just felt amazingly right. Smitten! x
As much as I enoyed this post, and the fact that you talked about this, I’m with Abigail on this and with Esz…
“Only from personal experience and having friends that have slept with many men on the first date out of low self esteem. Because deep down it can be thought that “I am not worthy of more of his attention so sex is the only way to ‘get’ him”.”
I have seen this so, so, so many times form my friends. Sex is their only way to get attention. Next day they’re nothing but regret and why hasn’t-he-called-me-back-yet.
Also, they’ve been with guy friends of mine and I’ve heard them talk shit about my girlfriends the next day and it’s sad. They say it themselves.
And yes it’s not always like this I know. And there are lot’s of guys out there who don’t just want to have sex, but it’s not a generalization most of them do. At least at first.
Maybe the first date will be so awesome they will want something more later.
Not having sex on the first date is not about having low self esteem, and maybe not about having high self esteem either (though I agree more with this), but is about knowing yourslef enough, knowing you’re mature enough, and capable to handle the consequences.
There’s more to sex than just sex, there’s so much to it, not because the i’m-a-woman-I’m-a-man thing, but as people, it’s a connection.
And if on your first date you find someone you really, really relate to and feel like it, way to girl, but just don’t do it because “you’re breaking the mold, because we’re on the 21st century and shit” do it because you do feel like it and sure of it.
I’ve given this article some further thought and I am still convinced that sleeping with someone you’ve only just met is a bad idea- for me that is. I don’t believe that having sex with someone who doesn’t really feel you, can ever be better dan DIY. :) Not to mention all the filthy diseases (s)he might carry, f*cking would never turn me on as much as “making love” does. As a single girl, I prefer masturbating to onenightstands -always!
Plus: One might argue that having sex with someone just because you feel like it is the best example of emancipation, but I do think that a lot of girls are
on the contrary!urged by society to BE “yielding”. Personally, I prefer taking it slow and enjoying all the little steps it takes to seduce and be seduced.Isn’t it a bit weird to say “Do you really think that the only value you bring to a relationship is your magical vagina ambrosia?! “ and then decide you had better give it to them at once? To me sex IS a big deal(maybe because I’m still a virgin)as is getting to know each other first. (Mind you, I’m not religious or interested in matrimony, but I have since long decided to overcome my childhood traumas by respecting myself and others, especially when it comes to sex.)
This is my favorite article of you, ever. Really, I agree with you so much and I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this way. Thank you!
Gala this post reminded me why I read your blog! Yes yes and yes.
To the commenters who are saying that you shouldn’t have sex ‘just for the sake of it’ why not? If you’re happy, sure he’s not a crazy rapist/serial killer, and you want to do it why not? Wanting to have sex is a good reason! Surely it should be a large factor in actually getting down to the deed, and sleeping around is not something to be ashamed about. I have hooked up with guys for one night, and for years, and each time is different, sometimes magical, sometimes not so much, but I have tried to remember that it doesn’t matter why you’re doing it, as long as you’re both enjoying it.
I think it’s best to wait. I believe that sex is more than just a mindless activity executed for the purpose of pleasure and entertainment. It’s about two people who care about each other wanting to be as close as possible to one another and wanting to provide the other person with a very special kind of ecstacy.
I would never sleep with a guy on the first date, becuase it takes a great deal longer than that to decide if he is actually someone i want inside me. I wouldn’t let every guy i go out to dinner with into my house,so i’m not going to let them into my body. I’m worth more than that.
This is one of my favorite articles you’ve written! Not to mention the fact that “magical vagina ambrosia” is the best thing i’ve ever heard hahah. but really, i am in a longstanding relationship to the point where this article doesn’t apply to me, but it still resonated with me and i think you make a very valid point that needs to be addressed more often!
I admit I’ve been battling with this issue for a while now, thanks for putting everything into perspective Gala!
by the way:
‘there are some men who just want to screw, nut & bolt (ahem)’
best.phrase.ever.
Wow, you’ve out done yourself. I love this sooo much!
My favorite part: “Come on, girl! Do you really think that the only value you bring to a relationship is your magical vagina ambrosia?!”
I think that this was a really interesting and insightful way to look at this that I had never thought of. I’m not an advocate of first-date sex, but I loved the idea that holding off on sex for the sake of it makes it seem as if it’s all a woman has to offer. I personally think that waiting for sex can prove to give a relationship a chance to really blossom and for people to get to know each other on a personal level without the distractions and complications of sex— not to mention the negative consequences that CAN arise from sex that EVERY couple should talk about (accidental pregnancy, etc.) I also think it’s important in this day and age where people are not always being monogamous to be careful who you sleep with for obvious reasons. I’d much rather sleep with a man who I was more sure was being faithful to me, condom or no.
Loved this post! It was a really good read.
Woah man, everyone’s going nuts over this article.
I wish I had the patience to sit here and read every single comment, there’s some amazing opinions out there! We are a great bunch of people!
Gala, I both agree and disagree with you for a variety of reasons.
My views are a bit skewed however, because I’m a virgin. This in itself is a whole nother kettle of fish, but I’m not a virgin because I’m waiting til marriage, I do believe you have to try before you buy as so to speak, but I’ve just not found a guy to try yet (note: I said a guy, not the guy… haha).
I don’t believe I could ever have sex on the first date, I’m not that open a person when it comes to anything intimate, so I know for a fact it’d take me a while to allow myself to be that intimate with someone. I wouldn’t hold off on sex as some sort of vagina power trip though, so I do agree with you on that point. If I found someone totally fab, I might sleep with them early in the relationship, as long as it felt right.
But, at the same time, whilst all this is going on in my head, there is the deep seeded thought that the dude might be an asshole, and I just might not have realised it (as this does seem to happen to me a fair bit). I seem to attract assholes, hense me never sleeping with anyone (as yet), because it’s never ever felt right, and I (fortunately) always realise that before going too far.
So yeah.
Girls, just sleep with whomever you want, whenever you want, so long as you want to and it feels right to you.
Well, that’s my two cents.
And Gala, can you please send me one of these men that “would actually really like to kick it with you, kiss, laugh, eat some food & go to sleep holding you. Seriously. They are all over the place” ? Please, please send me one of those. I live in Brisbane, Australia, send one of those men my way, that’d be fab.
xx
Ehm. Wait. So you want to stop women from seeing themselves as lust objects by making them see men as lust objects??? To stop them from thinking men only want to get in their pants by making it obvious they want to get in theirs on the first date??? Empowering women by telling them to sleep with men who are apparently as a whole more than willing to do so on the first date??? I really liked the fact you promoted masturbation (cfr Form 6 giveaway)as a way of enjoying sex without strings attached,or the advice to steer clear of abusive relationships (Rihanna article) but doesn’t this article promote some kind of battle of the sexes rather than self-love ?
(I do love your blog Gala, I don’t mean to be mean or anything!)
I’m also jumping on the “magical vagina ambrosia” bandwagon, brilliant terminology. I literally guffawed at work, in dead silence. I love this article Gala, thank you! I’ve been having this argument for years.
This is such a double edge sword. The fact is, there are dirt bag guys out there looking to hit it and run. I’ve seen a particular friend of mine go through this at least a half dozen times. She thinks they are in sync and things are going so well, how could it be wrong. They have this amazing sex and then she never hears from him again. WTF? It does happen in the real world.
However, I’m not saying I think if you have sex on the 1st date your a loosey goosey and you deserve it. That is total crap too. Women tend to get the raw end of this deal and I do think men take a certain amount of advantage. There are guys out there that no matter how bad they want to get in your pants, the fact that you gave it up so easy will make them stop and think….does she do this for every guy???
Of course I think we should feel confident and know we are worth so much more than our vagina ambrosia lol ( I love that and will use it as often as possible). But that also doesn’t change the fact that there are some women out there with low self esteem that will throw their pearls before swine because they think this will “keep” them. Which of course is crazy too.
Sigh.
This is one of the crapiest things about being a woman. One can take the attitude that they do what they want and don’t care what others think or how they will get treated because of their choices, but will that really make them happy????
I agree 100% that there is nothing wrong with getting caught up in the moment, if that moment happens on the first date, so be it. I also agree that we, as women, have more to offer men than the physical and that it’s not our collective role as “gatekeeper” to hold-off on sex, when quite often we want it too.
But I think an important counter-point to this argument is men don’t think in terms of a relationship. And if that’s ultimately what you’re after, you have to take that into consideration
Don’t be surprised if YOU know you have more to offer, feel this connection, sleep with the guy, and he moves along without a backward glance. Because chances are after an alcohol fueled guided tour of what you have to offer physically, he won’t be all too clear on the rest…
If you “really love yourself” and can hold to the “sex is fun” without letting your inner romantic get hurt in the process, then this article is for you. But just remember, if you’re going into it thinking, I’m JUST a girl, and he’s JUST a guy, and you’re JUST having fun – then don’t be sursprised when it JUST doesn’t turn into the budding romance that got you in bed with him in the first place…
You are absolutely right Gala.
I’ve now been in a wonderful realtionship for the past 3 yrs, but in the past I’ve always thought if the moment is right, is right. I don’t have any “personality complex”, so I know I can keep a guy and if a guy’s worth a serious relationship things will go on naturally, otherwise…well, just another experience! :)
Lilianne – I don’t think that’s what it’s doing. I think that Gala is just saying that you don’t have to listen to these weird made up rules about sex and dating. Have sex with someone when YOU feel that it’s appropriate, whether it’s two minutes in or two years. And I don’t really understand what you’re saying about seeing men as lust objects. Having sex with someone doesn’t mean that you only want them for sex. I don’t understand what’s wrong with EITHER gender wanting to have sex on the first date. It doesn’t mean that you’re objectifying the person that you’re with. To say that women and men that are okay with having sex on the first date are making each other into lust objects is frankly kind of offensive to me. I do agree that no one should be promoting the whole “men always want sex” line of thinking though. Forgive me if I misunderstood you in any way. If I did I’d love for you to clarify. :)
Lilianne – really well put
This article seems to promote self-love while criticising gals for wanting to make sure that a guy is good enough for them before screwing them. Oxymoron?
I usually love what I read on this blog but this article hasn’t really worked for me, personally.
I totally agree, 100%
It’s funny, I was having this conversation with one of my girlfriends yesterday over chocolate cake. Because cake and sex-chat go hand in hand really :)
Okay, I’ve already commented on this like three times but I just can’t stop. It is a fact of life that some people are only looking for sex, guys AND girls. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The problem comes when someone doesn’t tell you what type of relationship they’re looking for. It does hurt when a guy doesn’t call you again after you have sex with him and I know that it’s difficult but really girls, PLEASE just remember that if a guy isn’t upfront about his intentions or he just flat out lies about them HE IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. I know it’s a little odd to bring up the whole “where is this headed” thing on the first date but I think that it would be SO helpful if everyone would just be honest about the type of relationship they’re looking for. I don’t know, I just don’t think it could hurt. You certainly don’t have to be like “Hey, I’m looking for marriage. If you aren’t I need to bounce.” but just saying “Look, I want to make sure that everyone is on the same page.” and telling them that you just want to have sex/are looking for a relationship/want a friendship/WHATEVER could save a lot of people heartache. If you’re both honest with each other about what you want it makes things a lot easier. If someone lies about what they’re looking for I say fuck them. You deserve better than that.
the one thing we all crave in life is respect. we are told to respect our bodies and ourselves and giving it up on the first date we believe that the guy will loose respect for us and look at us less like a sexual object who is easy. it’s expected of us to hold back. it expected of them to want it 24/7 and if we think like them we are looked at like sluts.
I honestly think maybe waiting a bit to have sex wouldn’t kill any of us. Sure if you like and the first date is awesome you can do everything but and test our your sexual chemistry cuz honestly nothing ruins a first date more than bad sex!
Absolutely, Gala! I’m in a relationship now that began with a sexual connection, and couldn’t have flourished any other way. Once we realized how compatible we were in bed, and how much fun we could have together, we began spending lots more time in each other’s company, and found that the connection carried over quite naturally. As long as you’ve got respect and honesty on your side, there’s nothing wrong with jumping on in. You’ve nailed it, and I’m so glad about that!
I’m just piling on right now because you have hit such a big nerve. It is sickening to see the glut of opinions on how to do every facet of life right now? Everything from how to pee to what we should do if our hair is on fire?? Our media is now like a nervous person who is plopped on stage. Like a you know what in the headlights, the talking head just goes off, motor mouth style, in order to fill the time? no one can council about the nature of love…it’s like snowflakes..no 2 alike. Keep up the good gab. best, s
I couldn’t disagree with you more! Of course I believe in feminism, and being liberated, and independent minded however I also believe that men are traditional hunters and that if one doesn’t give them the chase, they might not be so keen to stick past the third or fourth date. Of course every situation is different and depends on the people involved!!
Just my two cents!! ;-)
Kisses from Paris!
xoxo
www.chicsetera.com
Wow! The response to this has been amazing. Thank you all so much for giving us your point of view — it’s incredible to see how much people’s opinions can differ.
One thing that a bunch of people seem to be saying is that you shouldn’t have sex if you want a relationship. There are a lot of exceptions to this rule, though — the boyfriend I was with longest (5 years!) kick-started from sleeping together on the first date. However! There are also a lot of women who DON’T want a relationship! Other things are more important to them, like work, travel, etc. & that’s totally okay. Women like to get laid too!
One thing I will say, is that a woman calling another one a “slut” or using other derogatory terms because this woman has sex with multiple people — or they THINK she might (key point!) — is really shocking. Firstly, how is it any of their business? Secondly, how is this wrong? As long as everyone is consenting & using protection… Really, where’s the problem? As women I think it’s important that we stick together & look out for each other, regardless of how many partners we’ve had!
Entirely agree with this piece…I think a good guy (highlighting good because of course there are some jerky I-just-want-to-date-her-until-I-conquer/sleep-with-her guys AND GIRLS out there too) will be much more impressed by a girls confidence in doing what she wants regardless of whether it follows some antiquated rules. The key, that I think you get at, is to do it because you want it and think it feels like a comfortable next step in the date rather than doing it because you feel you can make the guy like you through sex. You can’t make someone like you in any legitimate way solely through sex or through not having sex. Both ideas are kind of silly. Also, all of those rules are of course assuming that girls don’t want a fun, casual sexual relationship which, in many cases, is entirely untrue. Some do, some don’t. Sex should be an entirely personal decision and imposing blanket rules on other people and yourself makes no sense and is just plain intrusive. As long as people are safe, make sure to get tested, use good judgment, and are honest with their partner, who cares? Love this, Gala (plus “vagina ambrosia”...fabulous).
@Hannah: I toyed with the wait-three-weeks idea before realising that simply being aware of the way hormones can affect how you feel about someone is enough. As you succinctly put it ‘Women are not the silly, helpless beings society and science make them out to be.’ and we don’t have to be ruled by our emotional reactions. I can go with the flow, enjoy the physical interaction and step back and question if I want to get deeply involved with this person by listening to my inner wisdom rather than acting on fluctuating levels of hormones. Well easier said than done… ;)
Here’s to living in the moment and throwing the rule book out the window.
i understand the place that this article is coming from, however, i think it’s really important to be respectful of everyone’s choices, especially when it comes to something as personal as sex.
i absolutely refuse to have sex with anyone on the first date, because to me, sex just feels like much too intimate an act to be performed with someone i’ve just met.
implying that all women who wait to have sex do so because they’re told to, or because they have low self-esteem, is a bit accusatory.
still, i think it was brilliant to even broach the subject. it’s already promoted such healthy, constructive conversation.
My longest and best realationship started with sex the day we met. drunken, messy, filthy, awesome sex I might add. and my shittiest experience with a man was holding out for almost 2 months, then having sex, and THEN never being called again.
there are guys that just wanna get into you knickers. and they don’t really care if it’s on the first date or after 2 months – they’ll disappear right after no matter what.
to me, there are no rules. If I want it, I’ll get it. That’s it.
Yes, there are some men who just want to screw, nut & bolt.
That’s a hilarious line. I love it!
On a more serious note, as a guy, I actually prefer not to sleep with someone on the first date. I mean, I want to, sure, but I like to wait because the tension in the beginning can be fun, and also because I prefer to get to know a woman first and see if she has more to offer than just sex. Is she smart? Is she witty? Is she fun to be around when we’re not doing sexy stuff? Those are important questions, and I typically prefer to have them answered before we sleep together.
I feel that, often, if you sleep together right away, you skip over much of the “getting to know each other” stuff and sex becomes the focus of the relationship. Such a relationship is rarely sustainable.
That said, if it feels right, there is nothing wrong with having sex on the first date. Whether you decide to wait or not, it’s all good as long as it’s based on personal choice rather than some sort of “rules” that society has told you about what is the “proper” thing to do.
My personal choice is to wait (though, I have had a one night-stand and it was great, so it really depends on the situation). But, that’s just me. Do what is right for you.
I wish I could take credit for the “screw nut & bolt” line, but unfortunately I TOTALLY ripped it from P.O.S.!
I’m engaged to a man I’ve been with for almost 8 years after gettin’ saucy on the first “date”. If he doesn’t want you after “giving it up” you shouldn’t be with him in the first place!!!!!
Wow, that’s a really interesting take on it. I never thought about the reason a girl might hold out is because they think that’s all they have to give, which is totally wrong.
But I also don’t think that that’s the only reason a woman wouldn’t have sex on a first date. Everyone has their reasons.
Ohhh this is great.
I slept with a dude on our first date. We’re married now. :)
Thanks for writing this! I really appreciate your point that it’s harmful for women to believe that the only thing of value that they bring to the relationship table is sex. I like the ‘walking blowup doll’ analogy…We are more than that and most men appreciate us as more than that.
But do you believe there’s any merit to the whole theory that men enjoy the ‘chase’ and whole seduction routine?
YES!!
Gala, you hero you!
this article is FANTASTIC Gala. I mean it.
to expand on my comment, the guys that i’ve slept with on “the first date” have already been my friends for at least 3 months. we’d hang out occassionally – not exactly purposefully, but we’d see each other at school, out shopping, at a club that we’re in. then… i guess we both liked each other enough that when we had the chance we had sex. in that way for me, it kind of relates to the other article in that it’s another way to show affection. like, i wouldn’t just screw any of my guy friends because i love them – these guys are ones who i’m actually interested in, and having sex hasn’t stopped us from being friends, nor has it made anything awkward; the experiences haven’t been bad either, so i haven’t had to worry about the consequences of doing weird creeper guys who i’d never spent time with before in my life.
Great post, great discussions
I made a follow-up to this as it sparked alot for me:
http://rabbitwrite.com/sex-on-the-first-night/
commenters let me know what you think
I don’t believe that having sex or not having sex on a first date or ever is about self esteem issues.
I don’t believe in having sex on the first date because of practical reasons. Like STDs, potential pregnancies, and complete ignorance on the person’s current marital status.
And it’s not only the idea that a person can lie or medical factors that make me not want to have sex with someone right away…
Having sex is very intimate, and to me it means I trust that person fully. Trust, as well as sex, are very powerful things. Why take it so lightly?
I’m not saying that a person who does or doesn’t values themselves any more or any less than the other party. Personally, I’m going to be a little more picky. There needs to be a trust system and I want to decide on whether you deserve my awesome.
Thank you SO much for this.
I recently went out on a first date with an incredibly cute guy and made out with him at the end of the night till the weeee morning. I didn’t sleep with him but I still felt guilty for some reason. And he hasn’t called since then! So I’ve been going over and over in my head what went wrong on my end and this couldn’t have been a better time for me to read this.
So thank you for reminding me that I am a great person and worth getting to know. Even if he didn’t realize it.
Personally, I think it’s all about knowing yourself. There’s no absolutes, but what I always suggest to my friends (girls and guys) is that they ask themselves WHY they want to have sex before they do. Is it because they feel like they SHOULD or they feel like they WANT to? Reasoning is everything. Also, many of my female acquaintances and peers report that having sex makes them feel more loving towards the guy, which can be bad if he doesn’t have their best intentions in mind. So once again, ya just gotta know yourself. And speaking from my dating experiences with guys and gals, this holds true for both sides of the fence.
firstly…sleeping with a guy on the first date takes a lot of (if not all) the fun out of the tease and the seduction.
also, truthfully, a lot of guys WILL lose respect for a girl who fucks them on the first date or might just continue to date them because they’re an easy lay. not to mention the fact that you don’t know him. you don’t know if he’s worth herpes or warts, which he might have and probably won’t tell you about on the first date. is a few minutes of emotionally charged and exciting, but mostly meaningless, sex worth that?
additionally, sure, a lot of girls in their early 20’s are emotionally mature enough to handle casual sex… but i don’t think this is good advice to many of your young readers… you have to know you have a lot of early teen fans/readers. i don’t think a 14, 15 or even 16 year old girl should be sleeping with a boy on their first date.
There’s no respect in sleeping with someone on the first date. Sorry. And, telling oneself that it’s OK because you fell into the situation is not okay, either. Just because you say something is okay, doesn’t make it so. Just because something feels good doesn’t make it right. Why not sleep with everyone we meet?
I suppose the issue here is of morality and the fact of the matter is, some people respect it, and some people don’t. However I would hope that some young girl doesn’t go out and sleep with someone they meet this weekend on a whim because Gala said it was okay.
I understand what you’re saying about sexist stigmas, but throwing all personal restraint out the window is not the solution. Let pigs be pigs, but I’ll keep my pearls (or “vagina ambrosia”...) for someone I really care about.
Gala. You inspire me this much: www.polyvore.com/my_inspiratio… – ♡Salt.
The comments on this post are awesome and pretty much reflect the whole idea of ‘doing what is right for you’. To me this article definitely isn’t about what you should or shouldn’t do on a first date (or fortieth date, or after marriage, or before marriage, or in the back seat of your car, or whatever) it’s about not behaving in a certain fashion, whatever that may be, because of ideas about sex and dating and relationships that simply won’t suit every situation. Every relationship is different! Every individual is different! And it’s all okay provided no-one gets hurt! (And what hurts in some situations may not hurt in others. Always listen to your intuition and try to imagine all the possible outcomes and work out if you’re genuinely okay and will be able to cope with all of them.) People have different ideas about sex, if you stay true to what yours are then you’ll hopefully end up with someone (if you want to end up with someone at all, natch) who respects those ideas. Just be okay with yourself and your beliefs.
If you are okay with sex, then everyone should always recognise that with every sexual encounter comes the risk of STDs, pregnancy (well… provided both sets of the necessary reproductive organs are involved) and possible emotional damage (whether if it’s your first time having sex, your first time having sex with a particular individual, or if you’re having sex with someone you’ve had sex with a hundred times before). But provided everything’s okay and above board and between consenting people of legal age who recognise all the risks and are hopefully emotionally stable enough to handle things, then you should (hypothetically) be allowed to have as much or as little sex as you like.
Also I do think you can get to know a person (and he/she get to know you) and still knock boots with them amazingly! Sex and getting to know someone are not mutually exclusive practices (and even if they were, you can’t shag 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, bless — you’ve got to talk sometimes). But if you do find sex gets in the way then leave that bit out until you’re ready for the complications that sometimes come with that extra layer of bodily fluids.
Anyway, yes, don’t ever judge people for their own choices. Unless they’re being jerks and hurting people. Then you should try to gently offer some alternatives to jerkish behaviour (but be nice about it, sometimes people don’t realise and/or they think it’s okay. But it’s usually not).
Much love for the comment from Ms. Bunnyguts, too.
If you’re just after sex, get straight to it.
If you respect the beauty of sex and respect yourself, and are looking for a relationship, it’s so much more rewarding to wait til you actually KNOW the person you’re with, and respect them as much as you respect yourself.
Hey! I think a lot of people have different ideas as to who they date anyway (or what would count as a first date, or dating, or whatever). I wouldn’t date anyone to begin with who I didn’t know well enough to at least like! I’m not used to the (more American?) idea of “dating” as a form of getting to know someone/a complete stranger to work out if he or she is relationship material or not (that must surely result in a lot of anxiety and pressure??).
I love this article and all these comments!!! I think that its important to remember that our own sexual identities are individual to us. I have no problem with anyone else’s sexual rules or morals or whatever, as long as they don’t try to push them onto me as I would not push mine onto them. I think what Gala is trying to say here is that if you are comfortable with yourself, you can do anything that extends that comfort and self love out into the world. If that means having sex on the first date with someone you really click with, fantastic. If it means you never have sex on the first date, fantastic. You have to spend time working out who you are before you have sex, and so few of us do and then we end up repeating the same mistakes for years. No one else should tell you what your views on sex or self are: that’s all up to you. Happy Easter!
You know what, this world is full of billions of people who all want different things, and that is what makes it so lovely. But just as the author and many people here are offended by men who would be turned off by a woman who is interested in sex on the first date and would like more respect for their choices, they need to consider that perhaps they should have a little more respect for someone who just might not be interested in a person who would have sex on a first date. Respect for an individual’s choice works both ways. If you want to have sex with a guy on the first date and they aren’t interested in a relationship with you because of that, well, they have every right to feel that way, just as you have every right to feel the opposite way. Now if they go for sex on the first date and because of that are no longer interested afterwards, well, it might seem a little hypocritical on their part, but if that’s how they are, then obviously you both want different things and it shouldn’t have worked out anyway.
In my experience, I’ve been rejected, dumped, and pressured by a handful of guys because I want to wait to have sex(because this is what I have decided is right for me, though not everyone) – even though I’ve always been upfront about this from the beginning. I’ve learned over 15 years of dating that for every person who is annoyed by societal pressure to WAIT for sex, there is another person who is being annoyed by societal pressure to NOT WAIT for sex.
The only advice I would give, is to be honest from the beginning about what you want, be respectful when people don’t want the same thing as you, and don’t be surprised when others don’t do the same.
this just might be the best piece you’ve ever written.
& in my opinion, if you sleep with a guy on the first date & he is no longer interested because all he wanted was sex then it’s a good thing. think of all the time you might have wasted by holding out then giving in only to have him leave. it’s better to find out his true motives sooner rather than later.
what it comes down to is just do what feels right for the moment & what you know will be right for the future.
I find people, guys and girls alike, have such a thing against women being sexually adventurous, let alone shagging on the first date. Even to this day, I see it and hear about it all the time. I think women should be able to enjoy and seek sex just as often as guys do, and not worry that they’re perceived as “sluts”. If you dig a guy enough on the first date that you’d like to have sex with him – good for you! If you’re not sure about him and his motives, then maybe waiting to get a few dates out of the way first is the better option. Whatever feels right, as long as you’re aware of the consequences and use protection then it doesn’t matter what anyone else in the world thinks!
magical vagina ambrosia
You just named my first born.
My 2 cents: guys have it WAY too easy these days…I’m not saying “you shouldn’t” or “I’ll never”, but I’ve come to realize after talking to a lot of my guy friends, that the old thrill of pursuit is almost extinct. Forget morality, or even venereal diseases: I’d make it a bit more difficult for the chap, just to have a bit more fun! (And it’s not just for me: guys enjoy it more as well!!)
But this is the problem with saying goodbye to rules of sex and female empowerment. Women say they wear what they want and act how they want as a modern form of female empowerment or feminism when really it’s just you acting like a tramp thinly veiled under the term empowerment. I still think it’s tacky to sleep on the first date not because i care what they think of me but really because not all women want to give themselves to someone before truly getting to know them. True Feminism is showing some class, putting yourself and your morals first and not sleeping around, drinking as much as your male counterpart all while dancing in a coochie bearing mini dress at your local pub.
I have to agree with Sonia,
I also think that because women were oppressed before, now in modern days women feel the need to over-compensate their new freedom, sometimes behaving as questionably as the men who oppressed them.
I think men appreciate the mystery of not getting anything right away, whether they admit it or not, it means so much more when you actually feel something more than physical for the other person.
theres a fine line between being slutty and being an empowered woman these days it seems.
I agree with Sonia and Teri
I would not want to sleep with a guy I have only known for a few hours. He could be anything, a serial killer, a burglar or just a plain old asshole. I want to wait and find out whether HE IS WORTHY of sleeping with me, that is true self respect!!
I live in the real world and there are gits who just want to f*ck and dump you! I wont allow to be treated like that EVER, so I wait until I know the guy. Plus its so much more precious once there are real feelings involved. And the waiting is exciting, its such a lovely experience I wont rob myself and the guy off that.
I slept with a guy a couple of days into knowing him- we hadn’t even dated. He lived two doors down from me in the dorms and we met on our first day of college.
I freaked out because I realized after hanging out with him every day that he was amazing- I feared I’d ruined our chances of a serious relationship by sleeping with him.
It’s almost four years later now. We live together and are madly in love with a pet rat, tortoise, and fish. I have no doubt we’ll be married.
True love transcends any relationship “rules.” If it’s meant to be, the universe will trump any conventions.
First comment, wheee!
To the point: The idea that a woman is the ‘gatekeeper’ of sex is a throwback to the idea that a) women didn’t enjoy sex, b) women were valuable bargaining chips in the ancient world, and c) marriage was a given for most women. Nowadays we have terrific freedoms to act as we please, and as we become more at ease in this freedom we come to realize that everyone is very, very different in their sexuality. I, as a one, have almost always had sex on the first date. Why? Because I want to have sex. This, in turn, is because I have a libido that runs so hot it drives me up the wall if left unsated for too long. I’m hardwired to be horny. On the other hand I have one friend who’s saving herself for marriage and another friend who’s asexual. And I fully respect their choices to have as little sex as they want, so long as they allow me to have as much as I want. The trouble arises from the aforementioned throwback notion of female sexuality (or lack thereof) combined with personal belief that one is morally right and social groupthink to back it up. Again, I have no issue with people who don’t want to have sex. I have a problem with people telling me not to have sex. And as for men not respecting me afterwards, I really couldn’t be paid to care. If that’s how they’re going to be, then fine, that’s not the kind of guy I want to settle down with, and I consider myself strong enough to not be bothered by what others think of me. The only person one owes any explanation to is oneself.
Wow, that was a bit longwinded.
Lots of love!
The issue isn’t about value, but moreso excitement. Just like a girl who sleeps with a guy on the first date can assume that he sleeps around, they guy can assume the same even if it’s not true. Besides that fact, men and women want to face challanges. Scoring a touchdown wouldn’t be nearly as gratifying if everyone just got out of the way and let you run by, just like getting sex from a girl without ever having to work for it, can easily make it seem rewardless. Furthermore, sex on the first date pushes the physical intimacy past the emotional intimacy, and can cause a lot of confusion on the woman’s end, because women tend to be more emotional. There is also the aforementioned simple knowledge about a person. You can get down to the nitty gritty discussion about sex, and feel safe and comfortable, and later find out any number of things that would have stopped you from sleeping with him if you knew them before. It’s not about personal empowerment, women can be just as sexual as men. It’s not about being a gatekeeper because women intiate sex in just as many ways. The logic is that witholding is a natural part of dating and revealing oneself, so it should also extend to physical intimacy.
Nice article!Its true that physical intimacy is not a top priority in relationships!