Most people have a thing — or several things — that they enjoy so much that the very concept is totally titillating, completely compelling, subversively salacious. Among the many things that send me into a delicious frenzy — high heels, health food stores, raw food, alternative healing, language & music — are handbags.

Oh yes, handbags. Ridiculous things, truly. Scraps of fabric sewn together in such a way that your mobile phone doesn’t fall out & smash on the filthy streets of… wherever. Dyed swatches of animal flesh with shiny hardware. The grown-up version of Huckleberry Finn’s scarf tied around the end of a stick. Those things that most men, somehow, manage to do without. Yes, handbags. I love them. I really love them. Mmmmm. Colourful, leathery pornography.

I never used to; it’s something which crept up on me, just like my shoe obsession. I hit age 23 & suddenly, it was all over. I trawl the internet late at night, my face perilously close to the screen as I squint at the leather, the stitching, the detailing. It’s a filthy obsession.

Worst of all, I am not into the vegan handbag thing. I know, I know, leather is cruel, & even though I barely eat anything that isn’t vegan these days, I just cannot made the switch to non-leather shoes or handbags. Sorry. Can’t. Won’t. Not interested. I am okay with being a contradiction, though; in fact, I embrace it.

So, all of this to say — I am slightly handbag mad at the moment. Just before I left New York, I spent serious time in the Balenciaga store, agonising over whether I did or did not want the Giant Amethyst Pink City. (How good does that sound?! A giant amethyst pink city…) I stood with it on my arm, looking in the mirror for a significant amount of time. I decided no — but I’ve since changed my mind. It will be mine… oh yes. It will be mine.

But I won’t own it for at least another month — no Balenciaga boutiques here! — & I keep thinking about bags. So in my travels around l’internet, I have found a whole bunch of other bags which are super-cute & would look lovely on anyone’s shoulder, & it seems unkind not to share. So here we go. Bags à la Gala, & of course we’re kicking off with my baby, the Giant Amethyst Pink City.

 

Ideal for girls with candy-coloured locks (ahem, ahem), & high-falutin’, champagne-sippin’, diamante brass knuckle-ownin’ fillies of all stripes with a penchant for stylistic drama & madness. Take it on planes (it’ll fit your Macbook), to fancy parties (it’ll hold a bottle of plonk) & on first dates with well-dressed boys or girls.

Essential contents: Moleskine planner, oversized Pucci sunglasses, business cards, vitamins, water bottle, airline tickets, passport, mascara.

 

This is the ideal handbag for the hard-working domme on her day off. Saucy but unassuming, it’s just right for shopping sprees, appointments with the therapist & dinners with totally unsuspecting parents. Oh, you woman of mystery, you!

Essential contents: Library card, black cherry cough drops, cigarettes & Zippo, shopping list (limes, tomato sauce, sugarcubes), invitation to an art show & a pair of handcuffs. Hey, you never know.

 

A superbly playful bag for the charming, unicorn-loving girl inside of all of us. The girl who owns this probably works in a record shop or an independent bookstore, has trouble balancing the cash register & is late almost all the time, but makes great cups of tea for all her workmates. She is always generous with her sweets & puts her spare change in a super-shiny pink piggy-bank.

Essential contents: Heart-shaped sunglasses, a folded copy of the Style section, small notebook & sparkly pen, iPod, torn out personals ad, half-written love letter to long-time crush, three blank postcards.

 

For the girl who loves design blogs, her half-shaved head & her epic collection of apocalyptic folk music, who also happens to need something “presentable” to take to her desk job. That girl who wears glasses with bold frames, MAC Red lipstick & doesn’t make small talk in the tea room. That one you kind of want to sleep with, but who won’t even look at you. Damnit.

Essential contents: A red apple, court summons, painkillers, concert ticket stubs, Band Aids & a well-worn copy of Nietzsche’s Thus Spoke Zarathustra.

 

Perfect for the girl who collects boyfriends as an idle hobby. As comfortable in a video arcade as she is at the races in a fabulous hat, her chameleon nature endears her to everyone, especially men, who see her as exactly what they’re looking for. She plays it up & catches them off guard; they always think they have snagged a rare treasure. Even after she disappears with all their best china, they still think of her fondly as “the one that got away”.

Essential contents: Photobooth stickers folded in half, keys to the houses of her 3 current boyfriends, sparkly gloss for irresistably kissable lips, an essential oil perfume blend, a list of men to conquer.

 

Practical, sleek & clean, this bag is perfect for (secretly awesome) gold-diggers who want to fly under the radar. Those Wall Street bigwigs won’t know what hit them, especially when you come along with your slim, elegant hoop earrings, well-polished shoes & immaculately styled coiffure. Once you snare yo’ man, you’ll be free to kick back, stick your feet out of the window of that apartment with a view of the park, smoke a cigar & nod your head to Busta Rhymes.

Essential contents: Platinum Visa, hand sanitiser, hairspray, iPhone, leather gloves.

 

This bag could only ever belong to a famous manicurist in Beverly Hills. Fond of sunbeds, sculpted hedges & avoiding menial labour, her handbag is the perfect complement to her lifestyle: saccharine, impractical & slightly vulgar. Not to mention, the colour of the leather perfectly matches the collar on her poodle, Miriam.

Essential contents: Appointment book, emery board, Valium, dog treats.

 

For the girl who always wanted to grow up to be Jack the Ripper but ended up as a fashion editor instead. It’s just doctor’s bag-esque enough to get away with, while its price tag earns her the nod from the women she works with. She stays up late at night watching crime shows while writing about the hottest runway trends.

Essential contents: Guide to human anatomy, money rolled & kept in a small glass bottle, copy of Vogue Italia, mechanical pencil, vitamin c tablets.

 

Just came into your inheritance? This is the handbag for you. It’s loud & bold & slightly over-the-top — it says, “Why yes, I’m cashed up & I don’t care who knows it. In fact, DID YOU SEE MY BAG?!” This is not a bag for the shy. & if you blow through all your money too quickly, its padded exterior will make an excellent pillow when you’re sleeping on the streets.

Essential contents: Subscription pull-outs for Forbes & The Robb Report, 24k gold bottle opener, business cards of 3 plastic surgeons, keys to the new Bentley.

 

Yes, this bag would be the pride & joy of any Rick Owens or Gareth Pugh devotee. It is simple & slightly sinister, perfect for toting around all your eccentric, stand-offish personal effects.

Essential contents: Oh, who knows. It could be anything. I wouldn’t be surprised if an axolotyl climbed out.

 

If you saw this bag lying in the corner at a party, you’d immediately know which girl it belonged to. The one wearing neon eye-shadow. The one with crimped hair. The one with the shoes that make you raise an eyebrow. The one with the hat that looks like a balloon animal. …Wait, what?

Essential contents: Glow-in-the-dark face paint, condoms with Pee Wee Herman’s face printed on the packet, heart-shaped Post It notes, vintage rhinestone necklaces, a handmade sign which says “BOO!”.