How To Avoid Regressing When You Stay With Your Parents (Alternate Title: How To Survive A Family Christmas)
[ 10 December 2008 ]
My friend & I were discussing spending Christmas with our families the other day. Here’s part of her email.
“I find myself regressing when I stay with my parents. There are inherent things that I find frustrating about the way we relate to each other… I get pissed off at them and I don’t want to be like that any more.
I guess I’m in a weird situation with my parents where I feel like I need to do what Mum does when I’m staying with her. She is ultra clean to the point of being an anal freak and she never sits down, so she is constantly moving constantly working constantly cleaning something doing SOMETHING. It’s a quality that I really admire in her and I want to be like that but I’m just not. When I get home after dealing with f*ckwits for 8 hours solid I relax by cooking and I make a glorious mess. I do the dishes with my husband and then I want to read or take my dog for a walk, pot around my garden or write in my journal and basically chill out in a productive but gentle way.
...I really want to encourage you to write that article, I think pretty much everyone I know ends up squabbling with their parents/regressing when they have to go back there. It’s such an awkward thing. I think a lot of it comes down to no matter how old you are, if you can’t adhere to your parents routine don’t overstay past the point where you become their daughter returned to interrupt their lives rather than a welcome guest.
How do you relate to your parents? Is everything cool these days?”
Oooooh, what a subject!
I definitely used to regress when I went back home to stay with my parents, even though I have been living out of home for years. It was almost like as soon as I stepped over that familiar threshold, I turned back into that loathsome 16 year old that I thought I had left behind.
I would become surly, uncooperative, selfish, grumpy & charmless — very teenage Gala at her worst moments! Not pretty! & I couldn’t understand it. Even the smallest request had me reacting completely churlishly. What was it that made me behave like that? What made me so short-tempered & unpleasant? Was it just the fact that my parents were completely insufferable, & I was brilliant, therefore they had no rights to ask me to do anything at all ever?!
Well, um, no, not exactly. The way I see it, it’s all about repeating patterns. Most of us lived with at least one of our parents until we were about 18, which is a very long time. In that time, thousands of patterns & routines were established, & that’s the thing about a pattern: it can be hard to break, especially when you’re thrown back into the situation or environment in which you are used to acting (or reacting) a certain way.
I really don’t mind cleaning up after myself, rinsing my dishes, making my bed. In fact, I do those things of my own volition when I’m in my apartment. But for some reason, it used to be that when I came back home & my parents asked me to do one of those things, I would react badly. I would grumble, complain, pout. “Just a minute,” I’d yell. Several minutes would pass. They would harass me to get off the internet. (Geek, you see.) I wouldn’t want to. Things got ugly.
Thankfully, that phase has passed.
I feel very fortunate in that my parents & I get along very well these days, & even after spending weeks (or months) together, we still all get along. Hopefully just saying that will give someone reading this hope, because when I was a teenager, our humble home was not always the most delightful scene. Familial relations do improve, & it’s not just mine — these days, most of my friends get along with their parents much better than they did when they were teenagers, feuding constantly.
I think part of the reason why my family & I can coexist peacefully now is that I have been out of home for long enough that I don’t really identify myself with them any more. That sounds weird, I know, but let me explain. When I left home at 18, I moved 600 kilometres away & since then, we have never lived in the same city. I have now been away long enough that I feel like I know who I am. I’m not just “Jonathan’s daughter” any more — I have lived in Auckland, in Melbourne & New York, have had many adventures & expeditions, & me & my lifestyle are so far removed from their routines & patterns that all the things they used to do that drove me crazy don’t bother me any more. My parents are nutty in their own delightful way, but I guess what happened is that I don’t take that stuff personally these days. They can do whatever they like & it doesn’t affect me. They are just people. It’s cool, & it doesn’t bother me.
Another thing that can make life tough is that most of us feel a reasonable amount of pressure when we return to the family nest. There are always so many questions, & the opportunity to delve much deeper into issues than you ever can by telephone. How is work going? How’s your relationship? Are you happy? How are you raising your children? Is everything going okay?
Our parents only want the best for us, which is sweet & touching, but sometimes we can’t help but wig out over all of that. We want to do things at our own pace, & when people ask us questions about things that maybe we’re working on but haven’t quite figured out yet, or that they think are important but we don’t, it can make us feel a bit nuts.
One thing that happens as we get older is that we become less partial to our family’s opinion of us. As we leave home & go out & experience the world for ourselves, we realise that we are capable of navigating things in our own way. With that comes the realisation that our parents are just people like anyone else. They do their best but they’re not perfect, & what they say is not gospel — just one person’s view. Some people resent their parents when they find this out!
Thankfully, I don’t feel like the child whose parents are waiting for them to blossom into something great, or to “make something” of myself any more, probably because I feel like I have done some pretty good stuff under my own steam. I am reasonably secure in my own identity these days, & even when my parents disapprove of something I’m doing, that doesn’t affect me anywhere near as much as it used to. (If I ever wonder about that, I just remember that they initially had their doubts about me starting this website!) I don’t know if they ever really put a lot of pressure on me, I probably put it on myself & thought it was them, but whatever the case, I feel much more comfortable just being myself around them these days.
Plus, when I come back to see them, I’ve actually had time to miss them & I’m looking forward to spending time with them again. If your parents just live around the corner though, I can definitely see how it might be a little bit of a how can I miss you if you won’t go away? situation!
It’s always weird going home, though. After all, your parents raised you (probably). To them, you are pretty much always going to be the kid that they devoted all their time to, so the way they see you is probably not the same way you see yourself. I think it shocks my parents that they never get to see me in my school uniform any more, especially based on the way they behave sometimes. My father will sometimes bring up old phrases or things I used to say as if it were yesterday — when I have all but forgotten the fact that I used to do this, that or the other thing.
Unfortunately, one of the things I’ve learned about “going back home” is that if you want to do it successfully, you really have to play by their rules, & sometimes those rules clash with your world view. Think you’re a successful adult in your own right, with an exciting love life & an independent lifestyle? Think again — especially if your friends want to call after your parents have gone to bed! Reigning all that stuff back in after you’re used to living by your own rules can be tough.
Sometimes it makes me laugh to think of huge celebrities going back home for Christmas. “I don’t care how many Grammys you’ve won, Mariah, can you just put your dishes in the dishwasher once you’re done?!”
Christmas can be especially difficult, because usually it’s not just you & your parents, it’s you & your extended family. I think there’s a lot of pressure on Christmas to be this magical time of family & shared jolliness, when sometimes it turns into a mud-slinging fest as soon as the first bottle of champagne is popped. Alcohol + relatives is almost a guaranteed method of discovering someone’s true nature!
We all feel like just because we’re related to one another, all of a sudden we should have lots in common, plenty to talk about, & a cozy feeling of brotherhood & kinship. Sometimes it can feel like our family is dysfunctional if we’re not all sitting around a fire laughing good-naturedly & knitting each other matching sweaters. It’s completely normal for small factions of our families to break off & go & smoke outside & complain about one aunt or another, for old grievances to resurface, or for someone to get hysterical over the turkey. It’s not necessarily what we want to happen, but it can & it does, & that’s okay. Families aren’t perfect.
The crucial thing about getting along with your family — also known as not buying into the bullshit — is to remember who you are. Who you are, not who everyone else thinks you are. We all play roles in our families, relationships & workplaces, but don’t let other people’s thoughts about who you are determine how you behave. There is no surer route to misery. Your parents might remember you as a child in the nativity play, your cousins might think of you as the kid who went through that weird goth phase, & your grandma might always remember you fondly as the girl she taught how to sew — no matter how old you get or how many children you have. All of those things may be true of your past, but you are more than the sum of other people’s memories. You are whoever you want to be, & even that can change from day to day. This Christmas you might be the turkey-carver, salad-bringer, champagne-pourer, couch-commando, peace-maker, pace-maker, whatever. Your family will have expectations of you — this is par for the course. But you don’t have to play into that role unless you want to; unless it serves you & makes you happy.
It’s extremely easy to act the role we’re used to playing, especially when everyone else in your family is playing their role perfectly. It’s like one big discordant orchestra, each person plucking their own badly-strung instrument. The thing is that if you can manage to break your own patterns — say, for example, instead of spending the day texting furiously, you help your mother with the turkey or give your uncle a break by looking after your cousin — you will remind everyone else that it doesn’t have to be the way it always has been.
The best way to survive a crazy family Christmas is to act as your ideal self, & hold up a light for everyone else. It’s just like those psychology experiments where someone who is brave enough to behave differently inspires others to do the same. Think how shocked your parents would be if you played the part of the dressed-up-ray-of-sunshine! It might even influence your father to neglect his typical role of the-man-who-gets-grumpy-after-too-many-beers, or prevent your mother from reprising her award-winning epic as the-woman-who-overcooks-everything-&-then-cries-about-it! After all, it’s hard to continue as you normally do if everyone around is behaving in a way that’s intensely out of character.
Before you cross the threshold, bearing gifts or grudges (& perhaps both), sit in your car & check yourself out in the mirror. Don’t just look for errant eyebrow hairs; use this time to re-group & centre yourself. How do you want this Christmas to go? Regardless of your religious beliefs, most people agree that December is about celebrating family & friendship — so think about how you’d like to do that. Does complaining about the meal, squabbling with your brother & getting into a passive-aggressive argument with your grandmother really embody the ideals you’re aspiring to? Is that how you want to see out the end of the year?
Christmas puddings may be the perfect size & weight for pelting at your irksome relatives, but if you can exercise some restraint, everyone will be better for it!
So, what are you doing to do differently this year? I haven’t had a family Christmas since 2005, & plenty has changed since then. I’m going to pay close attention to my mother, the one who holds it all together, since I’d like to throw a big (American! Winter!) Christmas bash next year…
Love letters & feather headdresses,
Tags: advice,
gala,
how to,
life,
question Add Gala on Twitter!
Wow, Gala. I’ve been so terrified of going home in the next few days, and have been racking my brain trying to figure out how to make this visit bearable for all of us, and this article was perfect. I will definitely be consulting this article several times during the holidays.
WOW Gala this is a great great article.
It’s just what I needed to hear.
I was just back home and I feel like I go back on months and months of progress every time I go home, like I forget about who I really am. So it’s harder to stick to my guns when I get back here as well.
So Thank You for this wonderful article :)
I feel like it’s what I’d been asking for to help me snap out of it!
This Christmas my family has made a no present promise. Something entirely new for us, but we have realized that with the recent expansion of our family no one can afford gifts for everyone, nor is that really the point of us getting together. This Christmas all 27 of us are going to gather for an evening of togetherness and delightful food, where the focus is each other and not the presents. It will be meaningful to pay our respects to each other through togetherness and personal attention, since my grandmother is at the end of a recovery from ill health, and the family just needs to be together for a change. It will pull everyone out of their norm, yet bring everyone into a comfort we know together as a family. I really cannot wait to be back at my parents’ house, surrounded by all the people who drive me crazy yet understand me better than anyone. I think the time with them may bring me back to who I am at heart rather than take me away from the working person I have become.
We’re not exchanging presents this year as a result of the economic crisis — instead, I’m praying for a peaceful day with the family.
That’s great advice, Gala. This is my first year living out of home… I moved out quite young, age 17 and in with my boyfriend. Now I have three Christmas-es to go to: his Dad’s, his Mum’s and my small family’s…which I’m dreading because it will mean forced company with my Grandmother who isn’t speaking to me. I usually get very glum around about Christmas and so far this year it isn’t looking any different. Hopefully a week in Pahia at Boyfriend’s Mum’s farm will relax me… though I doubt I can be relaxed when I’m flying off to America on the 27th! Anyway, point is – THANKS!
I feel that – I moved away from home when I was 17 (800kms away!) and when I came back three years later to work I lived with my folks again. Terrible. I was there for six months and was worse then I was when I left! After six months I got my own place and our relationship is a stack better.
Christmas on the other hand is a struggle, I always end up doing my nana at someone, it is usually a combination of 35 degree heat topped off with having to cook a roast lunch in a wood stove topped with insane relatives and my mother giving me disparaging looks as I reach for that bottle of vodka to get me through.
However, last year was such a nightmare that I had my mum who hasn’t had a drink for 29 years getting me to mix her a cocktail.
I was expected to go back to my dad’s place for Christmas this year – I moved two provinces away at the beginning of the year. I made the choice not to go – the bus ticket would be too expensive for me right now, not to mention that I’d be riding on an uncomfortable bus over 30 hours, twice, and I’d only be able to spend a few days with a guy who is pretty darn negative. I’ve tried being my usual ray-of-sunshine around those people of my family who are particularly negative, and they just end up getting confused, which is better than playing along I guess! I’m lucky to have found a new family with my boyfriend, where I’m loved and accepted for who I am, and not expected to eat meat! No matter what else is made, Boy’s mom makes sure I have a veggie and fruit tray at the very least!
Thank you for this article, you’ve given some great tips I can use for when I next venture back into family land…
thanks for this article. i’ve lived out of home since i was seventeen, and had most of my christmases overseas or away-from-my-parents, so this year is going to be strange …
this is such good advice. all the same, i think i’m going to shorten my trip. i love my parents dearly, and unlike most people, i got along with them all the way through my teens, but we’re just not similar people, and that becomes increasingly apparent the longer i stay with them.
cheers, gala, and good luck with the pudding-throwing-restraint :P
Yeah, it’s definitely tough sometimes, & there are certainly some families where the differences can’t be resolved just by changing your pattern.
One thing I would recommend for those of you who are going to Christmas gatherings with a heart full of dread is to call anyone in your family who you have an issue with & speak to them! Clear the air BEFORE you turn up on the 25th! It will make things a lot easier for everybody.
Gala, this is brilliant advice, and I can tell it comes straight from your heart. I’m still living at home, seeing as I’m only 15 and 11/12, but I hope I can use this once I’m on my own and going home for Christmas or other holidays. Thanks much!
This is just the article I needed but didn’t know it. I’ve found over the past 5 years that coming home after being in university (over 500 miles away) is a very tough experience.
My mother’s side of the family is Jewish and my father’s is Christian so I get the best (and worst) of the holiday get-togethers that go with these two faiths. Hanukkah is boisterous and filled with mostly good-natured arguments and gossip about all the members of the family. Christmas is filled with food, friends, and some family members who we only see once a year…they’re rather hard to take more than once a year.
I’ll keep in mind your recommendations about being true to myself at home. I find that it is very easy to regress and that makes things rather tense. Thank you for shining light on the festive path ahead! I go home this Saturday. Happy Holidays to you in warm NZ. :)
Living with your parents is sure different, that’s the truth! After living away from home for five years, an unexpected change of circumstances brought me home (break-up, career change) and more unexpected changes have kept me there when I thought it was just a springboard (mum being diagnosed with cancer). While it seems like the best thing for all involved – and I’m saving a tonne by not paying market rent – there are times that I just want to throw my hands in the air and storm out in a dramatic tantrum (hello fifteen-year-old Scribs). It’s been a real effort to just train myself to breathe in and out and ignore whatever has set me off… but it can be done. In saying that, when we get the nod that mum is in remission – later parental unit! LOL
GREAT article, Gala, this answers so many questions I’ve wanted answered and confirmed some opinions I’ve had myself…therefore reassuring me that I’m not completely crazy! Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person in the world who has a dysfunctional family, and it’s nice to know everyone deals with the same things. Or close to them, at least.
Thank youuuu!
Oooh I love Xmas! I LOVELOVELOVE my extended family! Last year I hosted 30 of them at my place – it was off the hook! :D
This year it’s my in-laws’ ‘turn’. They don’t treat Xmas anything like as seriously as my family do – by which I mean maximum number of people frocked up in their best kit shrieking and giggling (and drinking). But on Boxing Day my cuzzies and I are organising what promises to be a legendary kneesup!
But enough about me. It’s true that patterns of behaviour can be unhelpful and weirdly hard to break. People you lived with for years do remember bizarrely irrelevant little tidbits about you. This is a fantastic article, because it lays bare what’s really going on, empowering us all to step back, take a deep breath and move into devastatingly polite/charming/helpful mode.
Usually Christmas involves me ferrying myself at great personal expense by taxi from my mum’s side of the family to my dad’s side. Up until a few years ago, my parents would drive and I’d just follow them – and also all my mum’s side were speaking to each other.
Since 2006, however, it’s all fallen to pieces on my mum’s side. My parents passed away on December 10 of that year, and after that, my mum’s sister and her family continued living in my family home, free of rent because I was too embarassed to ask for it, and they were building their own house 2 blocks away. Now, that sister only speaks to my grandmother, and barely talks to me, because she was hassled to move out by the rest of the family. Consequently, my grandmother goes wherever she is invited first.
This year, I’m forgoing the family feuds and frenzies, and spending Christmas with my boyfriend, his mother, and his sister, in another state. Distance does tend to help, especially when I inevitably get upset on Christmas Day because I am one person, and it seems everyone else has an immediate family.
I usually am happier when it’s just me and my mom in the house. We’re sort of similar. We could be like Gilmore girls if I was am scholastically able and if my mom had a midlife crisis everyday. I enjoy this kind of reunion when I go home for Christmas. When the number of people grow, it gets hectic. Same for hanging out with friends too.
I usually spend Christmas with my boyfriend’s family in Australia and I always enjoy it — maybe because I didn’t grow up with all his siblings and his mum, but I do see how old behaviours spring up again, like my bf is the oldest male and lords it over his little brothers and they gang up on him (like two heads and fists are mightier) when each of them is bigger than him! It’s all very amusing to me.
For me, Chinese New Year is the time when I see my immediate family and relatives, and Gala, I totally regress (I always felt they never understood my life choices, but now I guess it doesn’t really matter, does it?). If I do ever fly back home for Chinese New year next year or the year after next, I will take your brilliant advice with me.
Wonderful article, Gala and beautifully written.
I can’t agree with this enough. I’ve been away from home for 22 years now and when I go “home” (which isn’t home ‘coz Mum and Dad have shifted 3 times since I left home, including changing cities twice), I am “their” daughter. When they stay with me, I have to admit to being guilty of adapting my routines to be more in line with theirs. They’re in their 70’s, they’re not as adaptive any longer.
I hated living at home, never felt very comfortable and felt like a huge disappointment all the time. Now I waltz into their wee house and I don’t have to do anything, I get waited on and things are a lot nicer :) the other thing? More than 5 days and you’re normally asking for it… dunno how you can do it, Gala :)
Thanks for this article! I’m getting some crap from my family this year because this is the first Christmas I’ve been vegetarian.
I think they expect me to just put it off for Christmas or something.
Oooh I love Xmas! I LOVELOVELOVE my extended family! Last year I hosted 30 of them at my place – it was off the hook!
This year it’s my in-laws’ ‘turn’. They don’t treat Xmas anything like as seriously as my family do – by which I mean maximum number of people frocked up in their best kit shrieking and giggling (and drinking). But on Boxing Day my cuzzies and I are organising what promises to be a legendary kneesup!
But enough about me. It’s true that patterns of behaviour can be unhelpful and weirdly hard to break. People you lived with for years do remember bizarrely irrelevant little tidbits about you. This is a fantastic article, because it lays bare what’s really going on, empowering us all to step back, take a deep breath and move into devastatingly polite/charming/helpful mode.
wow, what an appropriate and timely (for me at least!) article!
i’ve said every christmas for the last few years how when we visit our family friends on christmas eve i feel like i regress back to a child again, socialising only with my sisters and hiding behind my mum. i put up with the familiar greetings “so, got your license yet?!” (i’m 23. and nope.), “so, eating meat yet”? (haven’t for 8 years now. and nope!) —ahh the suburbs— i end up feeling really uncomfortable and small, and just so like a child, and as much as its a tradition i have this huge fondness for (though i can’t pinpoint why?), i’ve managed to avoid it a few times over the last few years.
after reading this, i honestly think if i try and socialise differently with these people, and stop thinking of them as ‘grown ups’ and me as a ‘child’, and realise i deal well with adults on a day to day basis, i think i might feel differently at the end of it. we’ll see though! really appreciate this one gala!
This is a fantastic article Gala! I get on a lot better with my parents than I used to, but some of your fantastic tips will still come in rather useful as I’m settling back into their routine over Xmas.
Wow. I really appreciate this article, Gala! This is my first semester away at college, so this break will be my first me-on-my-own-coming-home experience! I’ve changed so much during these few months and this helped to remind me to stick to the me I’ve become, not the me I used to be. Thank you. :)
Thank you so much for posting this!! I’ve had such a terrible time with my family!
I obeyed their wishes and moved out when I was 18. I lived on my own for several years and eventually returned to the same state to go to college. I stayed at my parents house and it seemed like over a slow period of time I went from Renée to Janis’s daughter.
Nothing about what I did changed and they had no problems with me but after I crossed that invisible threshold everything turned to shit.
It got so bad they threatened to kick me out and to not allow me back to visit during the summer breaks. Things are better now but with winter break just a week away I’m really starting to stress about what its going to be like when I come home.
I’d love to be able to live on my own but with how much school is I just can’t afford it right now. I really wish my parents would stop seeing me as some sort of leech and just as a regular university student doing regular university things.
Ugh….....
Gala thank you for this article :)
My christmas this year is full of fresh parental separations and arguments (none of which involve me!). I will positively not buy into it now thanks to your article – you’re absolutely right, maybe being the best version of myself will inspire them to do the same
This article reminded me of one of my favourite sayings: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I only wish my mother would also consider changing her behaviour (neurotic control freak) then maybe she would have some fun too.
Ahhhh family. Can’t live with them, can’t live with them. Hahaha
How delightfully relevant this article is to me and my current situation … going back to Sydney for a big ol’ family Christmas this year … first time in eight years … and this is the first time we’ve had Christmas with our extended family since my parents seperated and my Dad came out. Should make for an interesting MIdnight Mass service on Christmas Eve with my very Catholic Grandparents and Auntie. Bleeeaaargh …
I’d really love to see your take on the opposite situation!
Neither my husband or I regress, but my husband’s family just can’t seem to realise that he’s grown up. They make it abundantly clear that they assume any adult decisions and changes we make are my doing. He’s 24, and not relied on for anything and even still gets comments about how much taller he’s grown (since we saw each other six months ago). This Christmas we’re announcing that we’ll be moving abroad, and since it’s an adult decision and a second international move for me but a first for my husband, well you can see how this will go…
Gala, I am a comment-virgin on iCiNG, but I had to say what a FAB article this is! I might even print it and keep it in my pocket over the festive season just to remind me to breathe and look at the bigger picture…
I can completely relate to Scribbles’ comment – I’m in practically the exact same position, complete with chronically ill parent. But it is the little sparks of inspiration such as this article which help to restore my sanity!
Thanks Gala! :)
I really want to apologise to my Mother about the way i treated her when i lived at home. I went to university this year and living on my own I realised how much I really needed her.
I don’t know how to apologise though. I’m worried i’ve ruined our relationship forever by taking her for granted.
I feel especially guilty about ruining our last family holiday by being so moody. I heard her talking about it to my brother. I didn’t realise what affect it was having on her.
This is an EXCELLENT article Gala, thank-you! :) It resonated so well with me – I’ve definitely been a bit guilty in the past of going slightly nutty whenever I had to spend extended periods of time with my parents – especially after the freedom that comes with living on your own for a couple of years, and discovering yourself! I think your advice was perfect – it took me a while to figure out, but it’s so true – the best things that you can do are to just keep your cool (no matter how trying it may be sometimes!), maintain your respect (after all, they do love you, and only want what’s best for you!), and to keep a sense of humour about the whole situation – don’t take everything so sssseeeeeeriiiiousssssssly! Hee hee :D Thanks again, Gala :)
“We want to do things at our own pace, & when people ask us questions about things that maybe we’re working on but haven’t quite figured out yet, or that they think are important but we don’t, it can make us feel a bit nuts.”
YES! SO WELL PUT.
What I have found really important is to realise that – similarly to what you wrote about being yourself – my parents are their own people too, not just ‘my mum’ and ‘my dad’! It’s very easy to dismiss your parents as being silly and weird but if they did the asme to you, you would be mortified! I’ve been at university for 3 and a bit years and even though I’m still living at home for nearly half the year, the time away has made me appreciate how utterly lovely my parents are, how much they do for me and how they have some very different priorities from me, but that’s ok.
I remember being stressed about an essay in the first year and then realising how amazing it was that at the time my mum was successfully juggling being a health visitor, a university lecturer, doing a Masters degree of her own, keeping a spotless house, making a home-cooked meal every night, doing all the shopping, helping with any homework, looking after my autistic brother and staying happy throughout it all! Blimey!
This is perfect timing. I still live at home, but when my sister came home for Thanksgiving I realized that all the progress I had made this year seemed to have flown out the door. I acted moody, jealous, and immature toward her in the same way I had before she had left. I was so excited for her to come home because I knew with my new maturity and positive attitude, the two of us would be the best of friends but instead I holed myself away in my room for the long weekend. After she left, I sorely regretted it. She is coming home again tomorrow for a whole month and now that I’m aware of what I was doing wrong, I’m NOT going to do it again.
Thanks!
thank you! this article is bang on. i will keep your words in mind as i spend (what is sure to be) a crazy holiday. :)
After 6 years of living out of home, I stayed with my parents for three months while doing prac work in their area. It was such a crazy time – I was finishing my degree, living away from my partner of 2 years, back home, looking after my sister and on top of it all, my uncle was lost at sea just before Christmas.
The thing that got me through, and meant I still have a good relationship with my family? One quote: “Adulthood isn’t an award they’ll give you for being a good child. You can waste… years, trying to get someone to give that respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay. If only you do enough, if only you are good enough. No. You have to just… take it. Give it to yourself, I suppose. Say, I’m sorry you feel like that and walk away. But that’s hard.” – Lois McMaster Bujold, A Civil Campaign.
I didn’t walk away, but I knew the only way to make my parents see me as an adult was to always always always behave like one. So when my sister threatened to beat me up because I said her boyfriend was a dickhead, I walked away. I cooked, I cleaned, I helped out. I sucked it up and got up early because that’s the standard at my parents house. It totally changed the relationship because, even though they’re still freaking about me being on the other side of the country, they aren’t nagging. They’re just talking about how they feel.
i am starting to say that you are a sun shine that full fill my life, sounds a kind of corny and i hate corny but is just the truth. just a couple a month ago a friend of mine show me this website and it was the best present that someone ever gave me. i characterize for be a dark person so your bright way to see life it balances mine, and i am very graceful for that, thanks to you I have become a very less dark person :). i always find answers to all those situations that you may thought only happen to you and you get all stress about it do not knowing how to fix it. Great Articles
keep being the icing to this cupcake world!
Good stuff Gala!
Every word is so true.
I havn’t moved out of home (yet) but extended family get togethers are a nightmare.
I will forever be the emo girl who’s just not good enough.
I never even went through an emo phase, but my family has labelled me that because my nose is pierced, like, whaaat?!
I can’t shake the label though.
But I try to ignore it.
And I’m just not good enough for the family name because I got an op of 8, not a 1 or 2 like most of my other cousins, like, man, I was SO proud of my 8, and my extended fmaily just kind of smiled and were like: “Oh, good job Lou!”
Pfft.
And also I’m not good enough because my extended family are all really christian and myself, mum, step dad and brother arn’t.
Go figure.
Haha.
Thanks for the brilliant article!
Have a lovely christmas Gala!
I have been living away for 2 years and now I’m back home. I have the fear of regressing and arguing with my parents again. We just had a trip overseas and my sister and I had huge fights with our parents. I guess it’s like you said; it’s a pattern. My dad has a terrible temper and my Mum is very passive- falling from one side to the other. It frustrates my sister and I. I thought this would never be fixed but your particle has given me a little bit of hope that things will be better. Maybe it involves a lot of tolerance and will power to change and avoid being pulled into that pattern.