How To Be A Good Lover
[ 24 October 2007 ]
Oh, wait, wait! Before you scroll quickly down the page to avoid the inquisitive gaze of your co-workers, let me disclose that this is not a piece about carnal knowledge! You have to go to Violet for that! No, no — this is about the emotional portion of being a good lover.
Of course, each relationship is very different to the next, but I have tried to make this pretty general. For some women, their idea of the ideal lover is a man who tickles their feet while wearing a false moustache — I’ll leave that stuff to your imagination!
Engage in open, honest communication
If you don’t talk to one another honestly & openly, eventually your relationship will get choked to death with all the things you can’t say. If honest communication is a bit of a foreign concept to you, keep trying — it will get easier. As well as being able to tell your lover how you feel, you need to be able to listen, too. If you find it hard to pay attention to what other people are saying — or if you are always just waiting for your turn to speak — you might want to learn a bit about active listening.
Know what you want from a relationship, & let your partner know your expectations
These can range wildly from things like being faithful, to wanting to spend lots of time with them. Everyone has different needs in a relationship, & if you don’t tell your lover what you want, they’ll never know!
Take responsibility for your own happiness
Being in a relationship does not mean that you are no longer in charge of yourself. If you’re at home & you’re bored & your lover is busy, go out alone! See a friend! Go shopping! Do whatever you like. Your partner does not exist to distract you from your own life or needs, even though sometimes they can be a very welcome diversion! You need to know how to make yourself happy, & keep practising that. Otherwise you run the risk of being codependent.
Learn to love your partner in their own language
People show that they love people in different ways. You might show your boyfriend you love him by bringing him little gifts or trinkets, while he might show you he loves you by cooking for you or taking you out to dinner. Ask your partner what would make them feel appreciated, & then listen to what they say. Some people like jewellery while others are content to have someone brush their hair or kiss them first thing in the morning. Being able to speak your partner’s “love language” will make them feel understood & treasured, & will strengthen the bonds between you.
Learn to forgive & move on
Harbouring resentment will make you sick & eventually poison your relationship. People make mistakes; even people with the best of intentions screw up & hurt the people they love sometimes. Recognise that no one is perfect, even your dream lover, & try your best to forgive them if they upset you.
Be able to admit when you are wrong
Your relationship is (hopefully) more important than one of you being right or wrong. Some people are obsessed with always being right, which I think is really a bit of a control issue. If you are wrong about something, be gracious & admit your mistake.
Be true to yourself
& be honest with yourself, too. Don’t pretend to be someone else in a relationship, it is much more trouble than it’s worth. When I say ‘be honest with yourself’, I mean that if you are unhappy with your lover, don’t deny or repress it. Do something about it. Your happiness is the most important thing.
Be vocal with your praise & show appreciation in as many ways as you can
Be generous with kind words. Everyone needs encouragement, & everyone loves to hear that they are doing things well. Tell people you love them & how much you enjoy having them in your life.
Allow your partner the space to have their own opinions
It’s okay to have different tastes or views on things! In fact, if anything, it makes your relationship a bit spicier. Hanging out with someone who is just like you in every way gets a bit boring, it’s not challenging & you probably won’t learn much. Try not to feel threatened by your lover’s alternative views, & learn to embrace your differences.
Understand your partner’s hopes & goals & be encouraging at all times
This is so important. The encouragement I get from my boyfriend has transformed my life. Even giving support in seemingly meaningless ways means a lot. I once saw a video of my friend about to do a crazy gymnastics move. His girlfriend was filming it & right before he starts, you hear her say, “You’re going to kill yourself!” Of course, he screws it up & injures himself badly. With a girlfriend like that, who needs an enemy? I’d love to know whether he normally completes the move without her “input”.
Spend time together
I know it sounds kind of obvious, but enjoying one another’s company is a really important part of being in a successful relationship. Why on earth would you want to spend time with someone who bores, offends or annoys you?! If your lover can be your best friend, your relationship will be in such good shape.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on what makes your relationship work!
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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well-written & so true.
imo, the most important thing in a relationship is probably equality – to treat each other as equals. degradation or over-admiration are the perfect catalysts to making a relationship fail.
and good sex, of course. the carnal parts are important too. ;)
Hmmm. My last relationship was succesfull for all of the reasons above, + because we had similar schedules. Sounds redundant, but isn’t really!
We were both Theatre majors working on the same show (he an actor, myself a costume keeper), + so we got to spend time together backstage, so when the day was over + we were both completly exhausted, we could go our seperate ways + not feel obligated to be hanging out in our zombie-fied states!
It also helped that we were both students with heavy workloads- I dated a guy once who had graduated, + so wanted to spend all of his time with me, + got offended when I chose homework over him… sorry buddy, but I’m not paying that much money to fail out!
Wonderful article, Gala. I can’t apply this to a romantic relationship, but lately I’ve been feeling like a pretty bad friend so I’ll try to apply these ideas to those relationships. :)
One criticism, though – if my boyfriend was going to try some crazy gymnastics move I’d be scared for his life, too. I think that proves that you care about him just as much as letting him do his thing. I know that I’m focusing on the example instead of the main point, but it’s just a comment. :D
The most important things that have kept my current relationship (going on 4 years, wow!) amazing and happy are:
- engaging in open, honest communication
- loving each other in our own languages (what a perfect way to put it, Gala :)
- (and, agreeing with Beth!) keeping similar schedules – OR different but equally hectic schedules, which is what we do now… So when I am insanely busy with exams and school, or he is insanely busy with work, we understand each other and neither feels upset or “second best”. That way, when the work is done, we can treasure the time we do get together… Or at the very least, find comfort in collapsing exhausted and falling asleep together at the end of the day :)
Love the article – I’ve been with my partner for just on 9 months now. Things that I found make our relationship work well:
- Supporting eachother under stress. Mike is in his final few weeks of university and is completely stressed – so I’m there making him cakes and tea at all hours of the night, offering massages, cooking the dinner..
- Bringing eachother random little gifts, for no reason – grabbing the other’s favourite chocolate bar at the supermarket, or Mike making me wire rings when he’s at uni.
- Enjoying eachother’s friends – even the ones you don’t get on with. Mike gets on really well with my best friend, so it’s nice being able to invite her over for a movie night without worrying about him grumbling at or resenting her presence. One of Mike’s friends is horrible to me – but I still make an effort to enjoy my time with the pair of them and enjoy Mike enjoying himself.
- As well as all the stuff everyone else has mentioned ;)
A mixture of all of these things make me love being in the relationship I’m in currently!
Beautiful!
Love notes in the bento box, setting goals together, sharing dreams, allowing each other to confidently share ideas no matter how wild and crazy, kicking all judgment out the door, voicing and showing how giddy with excitement you are about the other’s success and achievements, LONG real hugs, dancing together, impromptu fashion parades, alone time, Hollywood style greetings when arriving home and leaving, surprises, freedom, openness and laughter…
Love Languages are important! It is healthy and vital to know and understand our own but equally helpful if we understand each others!
I really love this article, precious in many ways!
It’s silly, but honestly, working on a MAJOR project together, no matter what stage of the relationship you’re in, can help and strengthen the bond between the two of you.
For instance, my boy and I are in a band together, and this summer we went on a full US tour. Living together in a car for a month, managing money, keeping track of directions, learning how to play rock and roll every damn night of the week without dying or losing your voice/skill/mind… and of course, how to live in a car together for five weeks without killing each other. It’s amazing.
(ps, if you like it, you can check it out at myspace.com/dancemfdance, we’re called the Cherubs, and we’re probably touring again this winter!)
This is awesome, Gala! Can I add:
Fight fair – focus on the behaviour, not the person. Don’t say “You always . . “ or “You never . . . “ (not true!). Express yourself with the trusty formula: “When you . . . I feel . . . “. Avoid being hurtful – it’s not win-at-all-costs.
Think of your relationship as a team (Team Hopkins-Singh, or whatever). You are both on the same side, not in competition with the other (especially about who does more or works harder).
Hold onto your self-worth. You won’t get respect until you give it to youself.
A safe, discreet friend who you can ‘vent’ to can often help you organise your thoughts before you raise a contentious issue with your partner.
Praise your partner when they deserve it – both to their face and behind their back. Don’t indulge in ‘man-bashing’ (or the equivalent).
It’s never finished. You will be building and reshaping and re-negotiating and re-inventing your realtionship forever!
Buy into it. Commit. Decide you have no plans to leave. Work at it.
All though this is all true, I think that you need to go though heaps of bad or difficult experiences in order to understand your mistakes and apply it.
Someone could have told me this before I got into relationships and I would have known, but couldn’t apply it because I hadn’t physically felt the consequences.
However I am a relationship retard and that maybe is just me and I think I still don’t get the point. Its kinda like tripping over the same thing on the floor over and over and over again even though I know its there. However I pretty sure that it feels better.
I am in a relationship with a Naval officer for 6,5 years. So, keeping the same schedule is not exactly an option. ;) But other than that I do agree with what was said here. For a long-distance-relationship I would also add a couple of things:
***Keep your promises. If you say you will call at a certain time, or be somewhere at a certain time then DO it. Do not do best estimates, wishful thinking, or anything similar. Make promises you can keep.
***Share as much of your life apart as possible so you would not grow apart. Little thoughts, funny happpenings, not so important or earth-shattering events. You will not remember them when you are in the haze of being together again and they have lost whatever significance they might have had by then. Do it, so you keep each-other in the loop.
***Choose your battles. That goes for a close proximity relationship as well. Not everything is worth fighting for.
***Be open about your needs and desires. Obviously you cannot sleep together every night in a LDR, so if it is important to you, then perhaps that kind of relationship is not really for you, or something might have to change in the dynamic of the relationship.
***Cherish the time together and do not wallow in the misery too much during the time apart. It is a perfect time to learn something new, have your hobbies and friends to keep your company.
Hmm, I am sure there are other things as well. ;) I know, Gala, that you have been in a LDR as well, so perhaps a similar list for a successful Long Distance Relationship would be helpful to people as well. ;)
I agree with Nadine and Maiken and after 10 years of marriage, it is even more true:
1. fight fair
2. Choose your battles – if it’s only an issue for you, like a pet peeve, just do it yourself and not harp on it
3. Make sure you have similar perspectives – not necessarily taste or type of person, but how you think about the “big” things
4. Be secure enough to do things on your own and go do them sometimes. You need to have something to talk about
5. Have a similar sense of humor – do you find what the other person finds funny (generally)?
6. Don’t keep track of who’se doing more – you probably each feel sometimes you are doing more than the other person.
and most important:
Recognize that there will inevitably be bad hours/days/weeks/months but that they will pass and you can get through it. There have been times when I’ve thought I wanted out, but in the end we’ve stayed together and it gets better and better.
Luv
Poochie
shoedaydreams.blogspot.com
Making time for each other is probably the most important thing, because if you don’t have that, then you can’t do all the other important things like communicate and get to know your partner and such. Also, not feeling like you have to be in control of everything (which for some people can be hard sometimes), and letting the other person take the lead once in a while.
Just wanted to say how beautiful your concept of ‘loving your partner in their own language’ is. Very perceptive of you (I’d never thought of it that way but it’s quite true), and so lyrically put. Well done you!
Something Anna Johnson said in ‘Three Black Skirts’ I remember too- that ‘love is seasonal, blossoming, shrivelling and re-budding over time’. Of course relationships can be irrevocably lost, but we all feel changes in our prevailing character (aka ‘growing older’) that may last weeks, months or even years- say, a person may shift from being mainly affectionate to mainly efficient, to fragile, to serene. Being in some other emotional gear than ‘in love’ doesn’t mean your love has dimmed or that either person should be afraid of losing the sweetness. People with children or a long distance might know that better than I.. but still.
What a novel. Sorry! :)
This is great advice, especially “loving your partner in their own language.” My boyfriend stays up much later than me, but he always “tucks me in” if I go to sleep before him. It’s just for a few minutes, and I usually fall alseep, but it’s nice to have him lay down with me for a bit. It’s a small thing, but it’s hugely appreciated and comforting for me.
I’m not sure how/why you’ve become such a lovely person, but you really are an inspiration.
I love what Stephanie wrote:
“I’m not sure how/why you’ve become such a lovely person, but you really are an inspiration.”
I love you Gala xD! You always right the exact thing I need to hear. I have been with my boyfriend 11 months now (omfg), and about now I’m starting to feel like we’re truly partners, not just smooching companions xD. We have been best friends for a long time (that’s why we became a “real” couple just recently; we had to leave our just-friends thing behind)...I guess our relationship works because we can talk about anything, we’re honest to each other, and we can be romantic or stupid (playing like kids) whenever we want. I had some serious doubts about him some weeks ago, but I discovered that we were spending TOO much time together! So I talked to him and now we’re trying not to see each other everyday, which is great. I’m feeling better now, and more in love :)
Another great thing we made recently was to take dance lessons! I love to see him dancing merengue drools...I discovered he is a better dancer than I am! :D
Thanks!!
“loving your partner in their own language” – that’s such a great way of putting it!
I reckon laughter is one of the most important parts of making a relationship fun. My partner has me laughing so hard I’m crying so often. Mid pointless argument try pulling a funny face, it usually puts an end to it! And it’s nice to know that when I’m 70 with saggy boobs and I can’t hold in my farts in anymore we’ll still be able to have a good laugh about that too :-)
the best way ive heard the ‘loving your partner in their own language’ is actually a quote i heard: “people love the way they want to be loved in return” ... that usually helps me to figure out how best to respond to someone whom i want to display affection for. It doesn’t have to go all the time (obviously, how are they supposed to figure out how you want to be loved, if you keep loving them the way they wnat) but ive found that its a really good place to start figuring out both friendships and romantic relationships..
just my 2 cents.
Beth — Ahh yes, having similar schedules cannot be underestimated! It’s awful if one of you likes to stay up late & the other likes to go to bed early, or there is some crazy clash where you are barely together for a moment before one of you is unconscious. Having actual time AWAKE together is a biggie!
Megan — Your date night sounds very cute! My boyfriend & I both work from home so whenever we have the chance, we like to go on adventures.
Lani — You sound like a great girlfriend! Everyone has difficult times, but having a partner who will support you when the chips are down is really important.
sushizume — Your comments make me soooo happyyyyyyyy! You two are the dreamiest!
Meredith — I think working on major projects & going on holiday are the two things that either make or break a relationship! It’s really all about how you deal with stress as a couple. Some people buckle, whereas some people just take it in stride. I’m glad it has made you two closer! You’re such a cute couple :D
Nadine — Great points. Really great points.
Maiken — More great points! Keeping your promises is a wonderful one which really applies to all sorts of relationships. Someone whose word is meaningless & who constantly bails out on you is never going to make you happy.
Poochie — I agree on “if in doubt, wait it out”. I have wanted out sometimes but I am always glad I’ve stayed.
nonsequitania — Beautiful words!
Stephanie — Ahh, I love being tucked in too! It’s the best. & thank you so much :>
Laurel — Leaving notes for one another is fantastic because you get to keep them! My boyfriend went to London for work a couple of weeks ago & I tucked some notes into his suitcase, which he enjoyed very much!
fran — I love you too :D Being best friends is an amazing thing in a relationship, makes the difficult times so much easier. Yay!
Tania — Hahaha, charming ;D True, though!
Great tips! Lots of those I’ve learned over the years of being in some rocky relationships.
Thankfully, I’ve now found myself with someone I can truly say I’d love to spend the rest of my life with. :P
Usually I wake up before my boyfriend, get ready for school, and set the alarm for him, give him a few kisses, and then leave. But sometimes what I like to do [and I know secretly that he looks forward to this] is writing something short & sweet on a post-it note. Something like, “You said ____ while you were sleeping! You’re such a cutey-pie! See you tonight!” or “I love falling asleep in your arms~ Have a great day at work!”
It’s short and simple, but I know it puts him in a good mood.
thank you so much gala. i’ve been having with the person i love and this is exactly what i needed to hear. i feel like him and i don’t communicate enough. i hope things between us work out.
Thanks for this, Gala!
My manfriend &I just celebrated our 2 year anniversary. Last fall he was a freshman at college 45minutes from home. This year, I’m a freshman at his rival university 2hours away. Because we only see each other every other weekend or so, phone calls&emails are essential!
[Maybe my advice would be better suited for ‘how to be a good long distance lover’! Anyway…]
Last year when he was away, we wrote frequent emails. They were never ‘today i…’ boring things! I would write mine in a sort of prose &add in all that mushy stuff with the daily updates! He said he liked that.
&Sometimes a goofy email is cute! He joked last fall that his going away to school was like going off to war &that he’d write me a mock ‘Civil-War’ letter! I thought he was kidding, but in May before he came home for the summer, I found a letter written from my man ‘at the front’ [facing finals] telling me he couldn’t wait to be home. It definitely incited a giggle & several smiles!
Sorry that was verbose, but case in point:
spice up emails/letters! pick a theme! because everyone loves to get some mail!
:]
lovely article. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and he is the most amazing and inspirational person I know. We had a rocky time at the end of last year and I moved out for 4 months. It was horrible but really the best thing ever cos we (me – the holder in of feelings) were in a situation where we talked through EVERYTHING. Turns out I am his soulmate and he is mine. In saying that I totally agree that there are still ‘bad’ days, weeks etc… but it is all worth it. ‘The path of love never did run smooth’ – but being in love with your best friend is the bestest! xx
Tania, I LOVE your comment about being 70 with saggy bits and no longer being able to hold in farts, yet still able to laugh about it all!
At my parents 25th wedding anniversary party (quite a few years ago now), as they were cutting the cake, my dad whispered something to my mum that set her off laughing/crying and my granny turned to me and said ‘You know its true love when he can still make her laugh like that after all these years’. I thought that was amazing. I think: those who laugh together stay together! xx
Gala, I have discovered the simplest and most fun way to be romantic: princess coloring books! Seriously, it sounds rediculous, but every few days I color my heart out with pictures of Snow White and her man and stick them in my boyfriends locker, with little notes on them…. for no reason other than to say I Love You ^ _ ^ he loves it.
Also, I have to say that not having expectations keeps the lover loving. When you have expectations that the boyfriend/girlfriend/lover don’t meet, not only will you be dissapointed but they will be able to tell by the way you react and boom! You have yourself a lovely pot of awkwardness.
Be a listener.
Kiss passionately.
Abolish expectations.
Coloring Books.
My advice on being a good lover.
Thank you for the article, Gala!
^ _ ^
xoxoox
Dear,Gala i have a girl i realy realy like she is a nice person and i love her….her parents want me to marry her but the thing is is i dont think she realy feels like a relationship right now.I realy need your help i dont know wat to do if their are any tips u can give me plz E-Mail me at slimshady8675@yahoo.com….... also i love the page it is soo true i admire your work thx talk later
hi if any one is reading this plz read my previes message