How To Be Genuine With People You Dislike
[ 29 May 2007 ]
“I used to have a bunch of friends, who I truly never cared for, yet I guess I didn’t want to be a ‘loner’, so I put up with them. I made the decision after my family was put in a difficult situation that their lifestyles were not for me, and basically stopped contact. They must have felt the same, because I have never heard from them. Now, after I stopped contact, I began to stay home more and more, and I realized the reason I did so was so I would not ever run into them in public. I have slowly become more outgoing again, however I know if I ever see any of those old friend I might be ‘fake’ with them, pretending I am glad to see them, when I know that is what I absolutely dread. Would you happen to have any advice on how to be confident and strong, still holding your ground, yet not being totally rude, or fake when seeing a person you absolutely despise, and also showing how super great your life is without them?”
This is a fine line to walk because while I believe in social niceties, I don’t have any fond place in my heart for blatant lies. That whole “we should meet up for coffee/I’ll call you” thing is totally tedious when it’s based on a foundation of insincerity & obligation. I really wish people would only say it when they mean it!
I think the best way to deal with these kinds of situations is to be polite but brief. If you can get away with it, just smile (nicely) as you walk past, but I realise that sometimes people will stop with the expectation of conversation etc. Say hello, & when they ask what you’ve been up to, say something which isn’t going to incite further conversation. “Just working,” is a good one, since most people don’t want to know about anyone else’s job. Otherwise, “lots of cross-stitch” might do the trick. As tempting as it may be to try to inspire jealously (e.g., “partying every night with Cory Kennedy“), if you do this, you will be forced to stay & keep talking.
If they say, “we should catch up!”, you can either smile & nod or bite the bullet & tell the truth. This may involve saying something like, “I don’t know that that’s necessary” or simply, “let’s not kid ourselves, I would rather eat a razorblade sandwich than continue this façade any longer!” Hee hee. Your mileage may vary!
Finally, it is important to make your escape as quickly as possible. The best way is to have an excuse prepared. This is one time when I feel like it is okay to lie. Say something like, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to excuse me, I’m late to my croquet club/gynecologist/morris dancing lesson” — again, something nobody is going to want to know more about. If this makes you seem a bit naff, even better — naff is hip & if they don’t understand that, then it just gives them further reason to avoid you.
In summary: smile, don’t take the conversational bait, don’t offer exciting tid-bits & make your escape sooner rather than later!
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala 
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thank you… this advice couldn’t have come at a better time for me, while i’m dealing with my boyfriend’s nasty ex-girlfriend who i don’t really want to associate with. i’m sure to use the razorblade sandwich excuse next time i get stuck in conversation with her. :) viva la naff!
i support the avoiding empty promises. i live in a smallish town where i run into people i thought i was close to, until they proved otherwise. the first year or two running into them was dreadful, but since then, with much better and true friends, it hardly phases me at all to see them. i’ll make a few pleasantries (how’s the baby/husband/job/life) and try to side-step any real answers about my life (oh, you know how it is! grad school….blah blah…research…ha hah ha), but never really say anything personal. there used to be efforts to “see one another” but i’ve just ignored those comments and never offer the invitation either. i also firmly believe that one ought never extend an invitation one has no interest in following up with — because what if someone does one day say yes?!!
i LOVE this!
tee hee!
I try to ackowledge the dislike-ee and initiate the conversation, then leave swiftly with some excuse as Gala suggested. The plan is to look polite yet aloof!
You could also try to pre-empt invitations to ‘catch up for a drink sometime’ by mentioning that you are planning a long-ish holiday, or that you have given up alcohol and/or coffee.
Hee hee. “I’m renouncing speech! For at least a year!!”
haha this is ironic because just last night my best friend and i were talking about how she ran into two of our…“ex friends” (i guess you could call them) but she couldn’t avoid them because she was showcasing her jewelry creations at an arts & crafts fair, so she was trapped! but this is indeed very good advice, as I more often than not, hate running into people I no longer talk to, because well I stopped talking to them for a reason haha, I hope I’m not too mean, but life goes on and we all grow up at some point.
Brilliance!!! A good excuse is also ‘I have a date with a bottle of shampoo and conditioner, it’ll have to wait’ or screen all calls, letting them go to answer phone and be sure to have someone (in your case, a guy) record a very generic sounding voicemail greeting. The caller will probably assume it’s not your number anymore and stop calling!
Mae Jane — It can be awkward, definitely. I don’t think you’re mean at all, in fact from what I know, you sound like the opposite! People move & grow & things change, it is just a natural part of life. Also, I know I wrote this a long time ago but we mirror the people around us, & a lot of the time, purging the negative/nasty/depressing people is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Robin — Hahah, good tip about the voicemail recording! Avoidance is so awkward though, I can only imagine how relieved people would be if they actually said “You know, I actually don’t want to be involved socially with you at all” to one another.
I made the mistake of actually catching up with an ex-friend the other day. We were great friends from when we were younger, in school, but as we got older we started to grow apart. She’s just different from what I want to assosiate myself from. Racist, moocher, and just unwilling to move on with her life without aid from everyone around her.
But now she has a job, she has her own car, and she called me first to initiate conversation
We got together, ends up she only wanted to show off the fact that she could pay for her own meal instead of a “lets get reacquainted” sit down.
Since then she hasn’t contacted me.
If we talk again I’m going to be short, but not rude, with her. She’s got her own thing going on and let her enjoy that, because I don’t need her dragging me down.
I also agree with the not lying bit, but I tend to try to avoid confrontations in the first place. Thankfully, I live a good distance from just about everyone that I wouldn’t want to see, so running into them is rarely an issue.
But, if I do happen to run into people who I know I’m going to have a difficult time dealing with, I sometimes try to avoid it altogether – pretending I’m looking at my watch for the time, or flipping to another song on my iPod work well for this, so that there’s no eye contact and no need for acknowledgement, let alone conversation.
This is perhaps not the most mature way of handling it, but I know what I can deal with it, and sometimes it’s worth my sanity to cheat a little and avoid the person altogether.
Something that bothers me, which is related but not the same, is the tendency I, and I think everyone, have/has to ‘pretend it doesn’t hurt’ – laughing with someone about the time you were the only one not invited to their birthday party, because you’d be ‘losing’ if you didn’t act like you were cool with it.
This is JUST what I needed. :D
I have a few ex-friends that I see everytime i step out of my house basically..and i started the whole..“Im not going out because i’ll run into them and it will be akward” thing and it sucked! Anyway that was my new years resolution for this year.. not to let seeing ex-friends bother me! and even though there have been a few akward nights at clubs or bars.. I dont aknowledge them,to me they are just Strangers that I knew once. I really enjoyed this article !
Stubby — That’s so weird! How strange to re-ignite a friendship just to prove that you’re independent or have finally got it together! Good for her, but there’s not a lot of value in it for you obviously. Bizarre, haha, I am totally stumped by that.
Jenn — Oh I do that sometimes too. Now that I live in Melbourne whenever I see someone I vaguely know it is TOTALLY exciting, haha, but I did it a lot in Wellington & Auckland.
Roo — Yeah, that’s awkward. I think probably the reason they bring it up in the first place is because they want some kind of forgiveness/redemption from you. You could always try being honest about it, do you really care about appearing ‘cool’ to someone who has hurt you?
I too wish I could read better how people feel about me. I too wish that people would not say “lets do fill in the blank“ if they don’t really mean it. It doesn’t make things any easier to figure out sincerity from fakeness. I’ve grown so skeptical that I never take anything at face value anymore and second guess it intentionally.
It is sad because I mean what I say and people second guess that. They assume favors I offer have alterior motives etc. Which is not the case, if I offer to do something it is because i want to do that particular thing… my alterior motive if anything is simply feeling good about myself by doing the things i can to make the world a kinder better place, not to garner friendship or favors in return. :-|
-kay
awesome article !!!!!
cheers ~~~~~
:P