How To Be More Assertive
[ 15 July 2008 ]
“I was hoping you could write an article on how to be assertive. I am neither shy nor aggressive, but I have such a hard time standing up to people I feel inferior to. For example, my landlord is being just dreadful to my house-mates and I, and is trying to make us pay for things we did not damage! I want to stand up to him but it’s difficult, I’ve always been taught to be respectful to those older then me. How do I muster up the courage to be assertive in this, and any situation?”
It’s so funny how the things we’re taught at a young age, which were well-intended, can end up sabotaging us later in life. Of course, being respectful to everyone, fast food workers & emperors alike — not just people who were born earlier than we were — is important. But it’s important that we are respectful of ourselves, too. That means standing up for yourself, putting your foot down sometimes, & clearly communicating your wants, needs or concerns to other people.
A lot of us find it difficult to do that. We don’t want to put other people out. We don’t want to be difficult or annoying or to be a bother. But the flip side of that is that by neglecting our own needs, we are making a very clear statement: that we don’t think we’re very important. Doing this is like wearing a sign around your neck that says “Kick Me”. It’s totally self-defeating, & you don’t need that!
So how can you present yourself in a more assertive manner? It’s not as tricky as you might think — you just need to make some subtle changes to the way you do things. Here are a few hints to get you started!
Avoid posing statements as questions
I think this is one of the major ways in which we give away our power, & often we don’t even notice! Many of us turn what would otherwise be a simple statement into a question just by letting our voice rise up at the end of the sentence. This is known technically as a high-rising terminal (or HRT) in linguistics, & informally as the “Australian Question Intonation” (thanks, Stephen Fry!). While there is some debate as to how to decode this manner of speaking, mostly people perceive it as coming from a place of uncertainty & nervousness. It’s something people’s voices do when they are unsure of themselves & seeking approval. Conversely, a falling intonation — where the pitch of your voice drops towards the end of the sentence — is much more assertive.
All you need to do is become more aware of your speech patterns. Actually listen to what you’re saying when you speak to other people, & you’ll get the picture quickly! Don’t feel bad if you realise that you rock the HRT with gay abandon! You just need to make an effort to keep your pitch level, or to drop it when it’s more appropriate.
Don’t apologise unless you’re actually sorry!
It seems like such a little thing, but the words we choose say much more about us than we might first think. How often do you say “sorry” when you don’t actually mean it? Do you say “sorry” when you really mean “excuse me” or “no”? If so, start saying what you actually mean! Saying sorry is essentially a way of accepting blame for something — it sets you up to be submissive. Not cool!
Another time where people apologise when they don’t need to is when they disagree with someone. If someone says something that you think is rubbish, & you say, “I’m sorry, but I disagree, because _____”, you are effectively apologising for having independent thought. You may feel like you’re just being polite, but you’re not. You’re talking yourself down, & you don’t need to do that. Ever.
This point goes for when you turn someone or something down, too. You are entitled to making your own choices, & you don’t have to apologise for them! Don’t apologise unnecessarily! If whoever you’re talking to takes issue with your decision, that’s okay! They’re allowed! Let them stew in their own juices! Not your problem!
Let your statements stand on their own
You don’t need approval from other people to say what you feel or believe, so drop the addendums which infer that you do! That means nixing all those little things you tack on to the end of sentences. Some choice examples include, “...Don’t you think?”, “...Do you know what I mean?”, & “...Eh?”
Disavow disclaimers!
You’re not a packet of pills, so quit making disclaimers! They promptly discredit everything you’re about to say, even before you say it! You might as well not say anything! This means that if you normally preface your statements with phrases like, “Well, it’s just my opinion, but…”, you need to nip it in the bud. I mean it!
Don’t allow people to interrupt you
Most people who interrupt others aren’t trying to be rude, they’re just enthusiastically trying to get their point across. It’s pretty cute, when you think about it. Having said that, it’s still annoying & after a while, you’ll start to feel as if your point of view isn’t important to them at all. When you get to that point, you begin to wonder whether it is worth having a conversation with them at all. They seem pretty happy with their monologue…
Of course, the solution lies within you. We can’t change other people, we can only change ourselves — so that means you need to take responsibility for getting your point across. If they start to gab over the top of you, say, “I’m not finished”, or if that sounds too brusque, try, “Whoah there Nelly!”. If they still use their tongue to trample all over you, you might find more peace of mind with your headphones on.
Watch your body language
You’ve already heard it a gazillion times before, so I won’t labour the point too much, but your body language is supremely important in presenting yourself assertively. People look at you, the way you stand, the way you walk & the way you sit, & draw conclusions about you. Do you hunch over or do you sit up straight? Do you shuffle along with your eyes on the pavement or do you strut like you own the sidewalk? The images projected by the above behaviour are so obvious I don’t even need to tell you which one belongs to the confident person!
As well as the usual things like sitting up straight & walking with purpose, there are a few other things you can do to help promote your new image. Sometimes when we feel awkward we find ourselves smiling a lot. Smiling is wonderful, of course, but only when it’s genuine! Excessive smiling is often something we do unconsciously to help whoever we are with feel more at ease or in control. The same goes for nodding, tilting your head or looking away when someone makes eye contact with you. It’s one thing to be empathic, but it’s another to yield to someone else. When do you these things a lot, you are placing yourself in a position of lesser power.
You might like to try giving each one of these behaviours the flick one at a time, though I think you’ll find that as you practice the other suggestions in this article, your body language will fall in step with your new assertive mode of operation pretty quickly!
Come up with a script
Conflict can be tough, especially if it’s something you go out of your way to avoid. Most people are relatively non-confrontational, but when you start to shy away from conflict at the cost of your own satisfaction, you know you’re taking it too far.
If conflict is unfamiliar to you, & you feel really weird about saying what you want, there is a very simple formula you can use to get your point across. You might feel a bit strange & robotic & uncomfortable talking like this at first, but after a bit of practice you’ll get better & it will start to come to you more naturally. The script goes like this.
“When you (behaviour), I feel (emotion), & (desired resolution).”
So to translate that into real life, it might go something along the lines of…
“When you leave your underpants on the floor, I feel aggravated, & I’d like you to start putting them in the laundry basket.”
Not so hard! (Hopefully underpants on the floor is not a problem you have. It’s an unfortunate one!)
The reason we say, “I feel” is because that means that we are taking responsibility for our emotions, rather than blaming someone else. While it would be easy to fly off the handle & start calling names, it’s not a good way to resolve a problem. No one responds well to having their flaws rattled off in a long list, so don’t go there! Stating your desired outcome is an important part of the script, too, because otherwise, what is the other person supposed to do about it? Without this step, it would be very easy to just go around in circles & never get anywhere.
Persevere
One thing you may notice when you start acting more assertively is that people who have previously banked on you being passive might not like it. As a general rule, people like their lives to stay pretty much the same, & if all of a sudden you start asking for what you want & not taking any guff, that can be a bit of a shock to the system. If you find yourself getting negative feedback from people about your new way of behaving, do your best to recognise that it is their problem, not yours. You may find you need to cut them out of your life altogether. This can be hard, but it’s always worth it.
On being assertive: “I have the right to state my own needs & to set my own priorities as a person, independent of any roles that I may assume in my life. I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable & equal human being. I have the right to express my feelings. I have the right to express my opinions & values. I have the right to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ for myself. I have the right to make mistakes. I have the right to change my mind. I have the right to say that I don’t understand. I have the right to ask for what I want. I have the right to decline responsibility for other people’s problems. I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for approval. Other people have the right to all of the above.” (From here.)
Extra For Experts:
Five Compelling Reasons To Become More Assertive at The Positivity Blog has a good little quiz you can take to check how passive, assertive or aggressive your behaviour is.
Take a free online assertion class!
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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ee I absolutely LOVED this article, as always, but I particularly liked this one because it’s filled with practical things that you can do. It’s always been a pet peeve of mine, when people say something like “You really ought to stand up for yourself!” and immediately you think “Well okay, but… how?”
That’s what I love about reading your articles here – they’re broken down into simple steps that I think if you follow diligently, you’ll no doubt achieve results. Major love to you :D
...
lovelovelove!!
Ooo, my psychologist gave me a copy of that list of assertive rights a while ago! It works wonders! Totally empowering!
Another way to get people who consistently interrupt you to stop it is to just keep talking when they talk over you! They eventually get the idea ;)
I really like this part of what you said: “I have the right to say that I don’t understand.”
So true! People underestimate to power of saying that you do not understand. There is no shame in not knowing everything. When you admit that you don’t understand, you show yourself as both humble enough to realise you are not perfect and confident enough to feel secure in yourself with that knowledge. It also allows you to take the power back from others who may ridicule you for not knowing.
All the things you have listed are things I discovered for myself over a period of several years after overcoming very low self esteem. I am so much happier for it. Thanks for sharing these great tips with others. :D
Thanks for this Gala, you have helped me realize some big errors I’ve been making in how I handle people. It’s actually tied in nicely with your goal idea of reclaiming lost personality traits… I used to be very assertive when I had just started college, and ended up watering that down because new friends didn’t like it. Now, certain people seem so used to me not being assertive they react negatively if I express any opinions or feelings not shared by them. I’ve absolutely allowed their reactions to become my responsibility. Not a healthy position to be in, but at least now I realize it!! Fab article, Gala.
brilliant article! my personal assertiveness mantra:
“don’t take any guff from these swine.” – fear and loathing in las vegas.
Thanks. Very practical advice!
Being more assertive is something I want to work on, I find that I worry too much about upsetting other people and forget about myself in certain situations.
I must say, the photo is STUNNING. And thanks for the advice.
Awesome tips!
Wow, this post made me realize how submissive I really am. A sad thought, but at least I know how to change that now. It’s going to be my new mission! Thaks, Gala!
Thank you so very much Gala =o) This is exactly what I needed!
That photo rocks!
I think I’m a bit more of the agressive type – I need to work on that, it’s not a good attitude. It makes me feel bad for no reason – to stay focused & calm is what I need!
Terrific article, great effort!
(you’re so intelligent it’s sexy, ha-ha)
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
I’ve been trying to deal with my difficulties with being assertive for awhile now. I’ve been making some strides, but this article is mos’ def’ what I needed. Well done! :)
shortie, i gotta add a couple points for the ladies. if you really want to get assertive, this is what works for Poppa:
1 – wear something that make your booty look nice. this cannot be overstated.
2 – yes, i know i consistently look fresh as hell. however, sometimes Poppa need to hear it. shoe and hat compliments go a long way.
3 – if you need some love from Biggie, don’t be shy. hit me on my pager.
Brilliant article, and just what I was looking for. I’m impressed and it’s well constructed. You’ve been an inspiration to start my own blog. :)
!!!!!!!!!
So everybody in the house, give a warm, round of applause for… the Notorious… B.I.G., ha! The Notorious B.I.G. ladies & gentlemen, give it up for him y’all!
Oh my god that comment just made my day.
Wonderful article, Gala. This isn’t something a normally have a problem with, but sometimes a good reminder is helpful. I especially like the quote at the bottom, which is an excellent summary of why we ought to assert ourselves. Too many people forget the reasons that we need to stand up for ourselves, you know? Being too concerned with other people’s feelings won’t help you get what you need. While you have to always remember the last line, “Other people have the right to all of the above,” if you forget the rest, there is no point.
This article was great, i love how you always break everything down and explain it. Thanks Gala! :]
and ohh man hahaha BIGGIE IN THA HOUUUSE
how does it feel to know the Notorious B.I.G. reads your articles?
“yes, i know i consistently look fresh as hell” hahahaha
Oo, I’ve something to add to the “disavow disclaimers” part.
My sociology of gender professor once pointed out how passive girls, in general, are in the classroom. Most of the time, before any female speaks she first starts out with “I’m not sure if this is right…” or “I’m just guessing…” or something that undermines her intellegence like that, because usually they DO know, and they know they know!
Girls usually have a much higher accuracy rate in answering in-class questions (though they get called on less- maybe because they always seem so unsure?) and yet they still do that. I thought it was interesting, and I noticed that that was one of the things I still had to work on myself. So that’s a goode place to start practicing being assertive! Just give the answer, don’t make yourself so small first. No one (important) is afraid of a smart woman, and if you do get the question wrong, no one is probably paying enough attention to remember, anyway. ;)
thank you so much for this! i too often find it hard to be assertive and the only thing that leads to is a sense of fakeness, not politeness/respectfulness.
Oh my god! How weird! For about a week I’ve been meaning to email you to ask whether you could do an article on being assertive since it’s one of my things I’m working on, and I had it in my mind to email you today…I come online and there it is! Wow!
Brilliant article as usual Gala xx
Ameya — I often find that I preface my statements with “I guess” or “I don’t know, but ummm…”. It’s ridiculous! I’m stopping as of now!
Gala, this is brilliant! :D
Also I’m glad that you mentioned the “Negative people” Article because in quite a few different ones I’ve read it says that you should get them out of your life – unfortunatley I’m 14 and it’s my sister (of 17) whose the trouble. I love her to peices but she can be hard work, is a bit a pesimist and refuses to take advice. She’s not always mumbling about the end of the universe but she gets in some states and tends to get in a big mood over little things – then takes the anger out on everyone. I really want her to start seeing things from a different point of view, but I have no clue as to how to go about it! I’m sorry if this is more of an “E-mail you personally” type question but I just thought it was a good chance to ask since I can’t just “Get her out of my life”.
If this is kind of a long winded question I don’t mind if you don’t answer it – things can get messy!
If it’s too much trouble then maybe I’ll E-mail you, but thanks for this article – I’m under pressure of choosing my GCSE options and a lot of people are telling me what to do; at least now I can tell ‘em what I wanna do!
Thanks,
Vixxie.
Yes, why is it that so many people say “I guess” before they say something these days?! I always thought it was just Americans but some of my English friends have started saying it now – you don’t guess, you know! Wicked article Gala, asserting yourself properly is so important and something that lots of women find difficult XXXXXxxxxxxx
Vixxie — Aw! Well, odds are pretty good she is just going through the usual teenage things… which you will experience too, soon enough! Trust me, most people are pretty awful when they’re 17 years old. You wouldn’t have wanted to have known me then! The best thing you can do for your sister is be understanding & try not to take anything personally. She is probably just mad at the world in general; it happens & hopefully she’ll grow out of it. Though if you’re really stumped, your parents might have some ideas that will make it easier for you to understand her emotions! xx
swamps — It’s one of those speech patterns people just fall into, I think. Like saying “like” or “um” all the time. But the problem is, of course, the more you say it, the less sure you feel of yourself!
If you really want to get into how your speech impacts others and how you are percieved the best books to read are by Deborah Tannen. She wrote several books including “You just don’t understand”. It’s amazing how interesting and helpful they are.
I highly recommend reading as many of them as you can get.
Luv
Poochie
Just gotta add to what I said before:
Yes, I always always say ‘I guess…’ or ‘I’m not sure but’ at the beginning of sentences, literally always. I can’t actually think of a class I’ve been to that I have answered a question in and haven’t started the sentence with a similar phrase.
I also seem to apologise for silly things. Such as someone offered me £10 for something I was selling for £50, and rather than just saying no, I got all worried and said “I’m really sorry but no”. Why was I sorry?! I think people are worried people might think they’re too harsh if they just simply say no? I’m not sure.
wow this article came at a time when i noticed i was becoming a bit passive when it came to my boyfriend and his needs vs. my needs. thank you, gala!
Wow thanks for this I realize that I need work as well I am forever and a day saying that I am sorry for stuff I do not even do. Thanks a bunch.
Ameya – it’s true, women tend to be really passive, even when talking, in classrooms. When I was in the first year of my BA, one of the men on my programme started talking to me after a seminar once and asked what my name was and said he thought I said really intelligent things in seminars and always remembered me because I was “one of the only girls, or probably, THE girl who speaks up in seminars”. That really made me think, and I realised it was true.
Three years later and I can say I was probably the most outspoken woman in all my seminars for the whole of university, and women who expressed their opinions as often and as confidently as the men in the groups were rare, even though the men were usually outnumbered by women in the groups.
Maybe it’s just because I completely fail at following gender roles (yay!) but when I’ve come up with an idea or an answer or whatever in a classroom or seminar I am usually absolutely bursting to get it out, desperately waiting for the people talking to stop so that I can share my insight with everybody else. It’s painful and thrilling and one of the best feelings ever, and even though I’m shy in a lot of situations, excitement takes me over when I’ve got that thought I need to share. It makes me feel sad when other women stay quiet, and really happy when I meet other women who completely lack fear (or lack it enough to speak) about sharing their opinions. I wonder what genius the world is missing out on, sometimes.
I’m assertive about my opinions, but not so much other stuff. I say sorry too often, and thank people unnecessary amounts when I buy things from them. I give up if I can’t get through to somebody, and am always walking around people, when sometimes I should expect them to walk around me.
Thank you so much! sorry to trouble you with such a long question but thanks for answering it! That advice is really good – but hopefully I won’t get too bad, I’m always being told to “shut up and stop being so damn positive!!” by a few of my friends!
Thanks,
Vixxie.
this couldn’t have come at a better time.
i’m trying to find a way to stand up to a friend who tramples all over me, this this is just perfect.
thank you so so much!
What a great article. It kicked my passive ass. :)
This is excellent and the comments are all great.
(PS – Hahahahahaha!!! The B.I.G!!)
Gala- You go girl! :D
Lady Julianne – WOO for failing at gender roles! I do too. Usually. It’s interesting though – in all my years at school girls are usually the ones who participate in class. They still would almost always make themselves sound so unsure, though – while when the guys answer, even if they said something bizarre and totally out of left field they said it with intense confidence that nearly put the girls and their correct answers to shame.
& outside of genders I think it’s a generational thing. We are raised to be passive. Sit back, watch tv, eat this, do what the proverbial “they” say, don’t talk about anything controversial or people might disagree with you so keep your opinions of government/ religion/ whatever to yourselves, do this do that, don’t question anything, blah blah blah. It’s really no surprise that people in general have become really passive. Everyone is sort of used to life happening to them (and being a victim of their lives) that they forget (or are afriad to) be active participates. Sad :( So yay for all these people who are determined to take this article to heart! Hurray everyone!
Lovely article! I’ve been pondering assertion lately, mostly how I feel like I’m becoming more assertive and how, yes, some people don’t like the change. At all.
Their loss, I say.
Re: HRT & addendum in speech — there’s a great vid on YouTube, by Taylor Mali.
youtube.com/watch?v=SCNIBV87wV…
Watch it, you won’t regret it.
Awesome… I too loved this article, Gala. Being appropriately assertive is something I’m getting better at as I get older, but I do still struggle sometimes! I too was taught as a child to be polite my elders, and standing up for myself as an adult doesn’t always come naturally. However, my job has forced me toughen up a bit, as I am continually in contact with LOTS of other people, and unfortunately there are still some people (a small minority, I’m glad to report) out there who think it’s okay to take a rude and superior tone with service staff. Grrrr! But I’m glad the experience has moved me out of my ‘comfort zone’ (jeez, I hate corporate psycho-speak…).
I often find it helps to pick my battles fairly carefully too. If someone knocks into me in the street because they were careless and not paying attention, it’s not going to really affect my quality of life in the long-term. I like to save up my assertiveness for instances like, ummm… One of my friends continually doing something that bothers me (like always cancelling plans at the last minute, or not including me in ‘girls’ nights’ because I have a boyfriend and couldn’t possibly be interested!). In a situation like that, it’s in everyone’s best interests for me to speak up. And in fact, choosing to make a stand over the really important issues makes the other person realise I am REALLY SERIOUS and am unlikely to be pushed around on it.
In situations like the landlord issue, I often find it helps to put everything in writing. I don’t know where our correspondent lives, but there is usually a regulatory body that looks after the rights of tenants who will give free advice in these situations. Good luck!
To Trixxie – how odd, to tell someone to ‘stop being so damned positive!’ I would think that’s a great thing! And Gala’s right, every teenager goes through at least one vile stage (I know I did). And the thing with living at home and being at school means you don’t always get to have a choice about the people who are around you. Hugs to you, you sound so happy and smart and very empathetic – you’ll do fine!
Oh and Ameya – I recently read a book called ‘Princesses and Pornstars’ and it had a section in it about sex ed in Australian schools. And the author said it’s still taught on the assumption that girls’ sexuality is passive and that boys’ sexuality is aggressive (ie the boys will experience uncontrollable horniness and do anything to get sex, and it’s up to the girls to say no – thus condemning any girl who likes and pursues sex as slutty, and any boy who doesn’t as a ‘fag’). Great book.
Super comments everyone, and thanks again Gala for the article!
Aaargh, sorry Vixxie!!! I have to apologise for accidentally calling you by the wrong name back there! I was hoping to say something lovely and positive to you, and fear I might have ruined it by doing something so careless (hangs head in shame)
Hope the message wasn’t lost – love and hugs, as always…
Another word of advice is to cut out the “kind of“s and “sort of“s. :)
Annie Spandex — True that! Another thing I am guilty of…
just what I needed!! thanks Gala!!
If I am a better, stronger person by the end of today, it will be because of YOU!
xoxo
This was great!! Just what I needed!! Thanks, Gala!!
Ha!
This is just what I needed to remind me I CAN be assertive. I find it easy to assert myself at work or with strangers, but with my housemates and friends… not so good.
I’ll be practising the “when you – i feel – so do this” speech in front of the mirror.
I mean seriously, how hard is to NOT leave the chocolate wrapper/empty Sprite bottle/opened mail on the couch/floor/anywhere it falls?
Oops…
*how hard is it to NOT leave… etc.
My sentence making not so good.
High Fashion – High Tea – Saturday 6 September
www.fashionising.com/fashionwe…
I’m getting in early with this one, i’m interested in attending High Tea during the Melbourne Spring Fashion Week. I am finding it difficult to find friends are as into fashion as i am. I think it would be a great event to meet some fellow iCiNG members!
This article has influenced me to get proactive i love the city i live in, but i feel like there’s so much going on in Melbourne that i’m missing out on by not getting amongst it.
My biggest issue with conflict is that immediately, no matter how small the problem, my eyes well up with tears. I try really hard not to cry in front of others, but I know that it gives away any idea that I am trying to be assertive. Any tips on how to prevent this? It usually happens when a conflict comes up that I didn’t have time to prepare myself for.
This was a great article, Gala! Thanks for writing it! I am not an assertive person by nature, but discovering I have a food allergy has helped me speak out for myself a little more… not by much at all, but a little. (I don’t do good when I’m tired and I’m feeling rushed, because there are people waiting behind me.)
I’m a very quiet person in general… and I don’t apologize for that because it’s how I am, but unfortunately, that makes it hard for people to realize I might actually have something to say. :( Any suggestions that might help with that?
my cousin is in med school and in one of her rotations she was doing pshycology and she told me that people only remember that you did something wrong and hold it over your head if you apologize. By apologizing, sometimes that means you are pointing out your own mistake that may not even be a mistake in the first place. Like placing a giant “BLAME ME” sign with flashing red lights on yourself. I tried playing with that idea, apologizing sometimes and seeing which things my friends and family would bring up later and it was so true!
Thank you so much – there are great suggestions here. I am especially prone to the “disclaimers”, and the more I cushion my opinions, the less certain I feel.
I used to be much more assertive, but then spent several years in Japan where it is uncommon to disagree with or contradict people. Although I found it frustrating while I lived there, I’m realising now that the habit has rubbed off on me, and if I am presenting an opinion that I think someone might dislike I preface it with “I’m not sure if it’s true, but I heard…. “ or something like that. Must stop!
Aaaw Kirsten!
How sweet are you?! :D
I didn’t even notice the “misshapen” V. The message was there! ;) Thanks and yeah, what you said about the not choosing who you’re around is so true! Things are alright with her but now she’s giving up smoking so we’re all incurring her wrathe! Ack!
I think the people who said that were feeling all depressed or angry and I guess they were fed up of hearing that they just Should be happy. But oh well! Nothing a cupcake can’t fix!
Thanks Kirsten! :D
I’m sure I’ve come across this artical before but never really read it, which is a huge shame because I think this may just solve a lot of serious relationship problems I’ve been having recently!
This has probably saved my sanity and happiness for the next few years if not for life!
I thought I was going nuts and now I realise that it’s something as simple as my behaviour that is causing all the problems I’ve been stressing over!
Gala I totally love you!! From now on I’m actively being more assertive and I’m looking forward to the positive effect it’s bound to have on my life and particularly my relationships as I am terribly passive/passive agressive despite not being shy.
So thankyou! =]
xxx