How To Settle Into A City (Part One: Social)
[ 6 March 2007 ]
“I am moving to Auckland at the end of this year (with my boyfriend) so that I can attend university up there. How does one make friends? I’ve heard all the ‘take a class/join a club’ suggestions which I’m not suggesting aren’t valid, but I’ve taken many classes and haven’t really become great friends with any of the other attendees. I don’t want to come on too strong and seem desperate. Also I’m quite shy. Waaaah… Gala, how do I make friends in a foreign environment?!?!”
Such a good question, since I have been thinking about the subject a lot myself. There is a lot to it, so I’ve decided to make this a two-parter. This one is about the social aspects of moving — the next one will be more on the domestic side of things.
As most of you know, I moved to Melbourne in October of last year, & while I enjoy it here, it is very challenging at times. This is compounded by a couple of things:
1. Melbourne is a very tucked-away city — everything is hidden down secret lanes, alleyways & in arcades
2. I work from home, so I don’t have the advantage of regular, reliable social interaction with people in an office.
Your situation is quite dear to my heart though, since I also moved to Auckland from Wellington once! It was my first time away from home & it was quite overwhelming a lot of the time. Thankfully, I moved straight in with my boyfriend who was a local, & was quickly adopted into his group of friends, their social activities & introduced to all the places they’d hunted out & enjoyed.
I know that you’ve asked primarily about making friends, but moving into a new city is more than that. Typically, you need to get to know the place before you’ll meet anyone — & then, meeting people is mostly incidental. Immersing yourself in a city is a slow process. I have been in Melbourne for six months now, & it still all feels exceptionally foreign to me. I read that it typically takes anywhere from a year to two years to feel properly at home in a new city. There are so many little things that take their toll on you, like knowing where the good coffee or bagels are. As most of my readers know, I have been on the search for decent fish & chips for a really long time, but I am realising that the whole point of moving somewhere new is that life is DIFFERENT! I need to find new food, new activities, new ways of interacting with people — Melbourne is not Auckland or Wellington or anywhere else.
Moving to a new city is really exciting but you will face a lot of challenges before you feel really at home. Here are some things I know of which can make the process a little easier!
Bookmark your local Metroblogging website & visit it regularly
Or better yet, hook it into your RSS reader. Maybe I am slightly biased, since I write for Melbourne, but Metroblogging can be a good way to become accustomed to where you’re living. Metroblogs consist of a group of local writers blogging about their city — events, opinions, etc. I read mine for a long time before they asked me to join them. If your local one is boring or non-existant, email them & get involved!
Go for long walks
As often as you can bear it, put on a pair of good shoes & go for a walk. Not a piddly walk around the block, I mean at least 45 minutes on foot. It doesn’t matter whether you go alone or with your lover, you just need to go out with the intention of exploring. I probably do this every second night — I take my camera, set off in a random direction & walk until my feet ache. There is no better way to get to understand the geography of your city & to find the little hidden places.
Google for “free events <your city>”
I have done so many things this way — opera in a park, trapeze lessons, gay & lesbian festivals, rubber ducky races, etc. Most cities, especially over the summer months, have absolute piles of free events on & they are worth taking advantage of. A lot of locals don’t even think about free events, so if you go along with positive intentions you’ll probably find that you meet some new people.
Join local communities on LiveJournal
Just search for your city & join up. Post an introduction if you want. The melbournemaniac community has been really valuable to me — I ask them all manner of inane questions!
Make the effort to drag yourself out of the house
It’s easy to hate everything & shrink into the couch with a steely resolve to watch every episode of House ever created. Don’t do it! Put on some sunglasses & leave the house, even if it’s just to visit your PO Box or buy a sandwich. The more time you spend in your city, the better you will feel in it.
Accept invitations
Even when you feel wretched & can’t stand the idea of meeting new people, you should always say “yes”. (I have yet to learn this one myself.) The people you initially go with might end up boring as hell, but you might meet one of their friends who totally turns your crank, you might go to a party full of amazing people or you’ll stumble across a bar that you absolutely love.
Go solo
Moving to a new city with your partner is a good, safe way to go — you have each other to lean on, which is so, so good. You will find it challenging at times, but mostly you will be thrilled to come home & have someone who understands you. However, if you constantly go out together, you’ll find that your social interactions are mostly with each other. I know that if I go out alone, I am far more social & meet a lot more people than if I’m with another person.
Take classes & go to clubs
I know you’ve said this doesn’t work, but try it with a different focus. Take a class in something you really love & do it for that reason, rather than with the intention of making friends. If you make a friend, that’ll just be a bonus. One of the best things I ever did for myself was take a creative writing workshop for a few months over winter at the University of Auckland. I was so, so lonely at the time, & while I didn’t become friends with anyone there, they were all incredibly supportive, kind & gave me great praise & feedback about my work, & I have remembered that. Not to mention doing a regular sport or physical activity is good for you!
Pick up flyers & leaflets & keep an eye on what is going on
Going to some good gigs will make you feel much better about your city. Another thing you can do is get involved with an events group — there are often collectives of fine young things who put on bands, shows, publish magazines, etc. If you can hitch your wagon to them (offer to write for them, do website design, whatever), they often have great contacts & know where all the good parties are. Do some Myspace sleuthing for this kind of thing.
By the way — when I lived alone in Auckland in 2005, I was in a pretty bad place emotionally & felt very lonely. I had just broken up with my long-term boyfriend & all my best friends were in Wellington, where I grew up. I spent hours on the telephone & flying back on the weekends. It’s a very easy thing to do. It took a while but I realised that if I wanted to be happy in Auckland, I needed to cut myself off from Wellington. Not completely, but enough that I wasn’t clinging to my friends 600km away for comfort. When I stopped relying on them for moral support, I was much happier & was able to be present in the moment in Auckland.
In terms of being shy, you might want to read my article on popularity. Don’t be nervous about asking people to have a coffee or a drink — everyone likes to feel socially desirable & you will find that most of the time, they’ll be thrilled to accept.
Extra For Experts:
How can I make my new city feel like home? asked on Metafilter.
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
Tags: advice,
how to,
life Share this! + Email This + Del.icio.us
+ Facebook
+ Stumbleupon
+ Technorati
Comment
Read more tagged advice...
How To Rock A Beehive How Do I Choose An Eyeshadow Which Suits Me? Buying Gifts For Teenage Girls How To Pack A Suitcase Engineer's Boots Learning How To Dress Up How To Buy A Winter Coat How To Wear Layers Without Looking Like A Crazy Bag Lady
Read more tagged life...
Visiting A Mall What Does Your Clothing Say About You? Things To Do Today Sofa Coppola's Apartment How To Pack A Suitcase How To Throw A Fantastic Party With Gala! Last Minute Valentine's Day Idea Improving Your Life With Feng Shui (Or: Why I Bought Goldfish Today)
Read more tagged how to...
How To Rock A Beehive Visiting A Mall How Do I Choose An Eyeshadow Which Suits Me? Buying Gifts For Teenage Girls How To Pack A Suitcase iCiNG Presents: Nicole Jenkins of Circa Vintage Learning How To Dress Up How To Throw A Fantastic Party With Gala!
You’re going to go to uni! That in itself should solve all your woes. I’m sure you will quickly meet people randomly there – it’s one of the major functions of tertiary education; setting you up with networks. Hello group assignments! NB: a tad bit harder for the mature (really mature) student, but still easy peasy people meeting.
Great post, Gala! I definitely think the toughest part of moving to a new place is just constantly putting yourself out there- I’ve always fallen into a routine when I move to a new place (it’s the easiest way to get comfortable) and then have a hard time breaking out of it when I want to meet people and try new things. Can’t wait for the next post!
Thank you so much! This has given me a lot to think about. Definately the point about going solo and not clinging to my safety blanket/boyfriend the whole time!
great post!
and i love it, a fellow Metafilter user….yay.
it’s, yet another, site that my job doesn’t block.
i’m currently looking for free events in my area, since i moved AGAIN. thanks for the great tip.
muah
amber
I need to learn to take my own advice, haha.
This topic is dear to me also: I haven’t lived in the same city continuously for more than 3 years since 1993 (omigod, where did all the time go?!) I’ve lived in 5 countries and 3 continents in that time. Every move is hard. Some cities take much more work than others. But the payoff is that you learn so much about yourself. You become self-reliant and independent and you grow up.I’ll never forget the first time I went to club alone. I felt like such a loser for about 5 minutes and then became great friends with the bar people and got free drinks there forever. Nobody thought I was sad: they thought I was great for going out alone because I wanted to dance :)
Gala’s advice is great. I would add that enjoying the journey of discovery and independence is also important. Even being really ALONE can be a good learning experience. It’s interesting to see what you do free of ‘everyone who knows you’s’ influence :)
You won’t find great fish & chips in the CBD of ol’ Melbourne town. Inner suburbs, that’s where they are! Richmond, Carlton, Collingwood, Port Melbourne, Fitzroy… try them for a good fish’n‘chippery :)
Nicola — I used to go to clubs alone all the time! When I lived in Auckland there was this bar called Fu on my block which was basically all drum & bass & hip-hop. I used to go there at 2am when I felt like dancing, so much fun.
Thanks gala, this will come in handy when i finally move away without parents, to a totally new city for school, Definitely saving this one. Hopefully i will move to Chicago, Boston, New York or Philadelphia.
What fantastic timing you have, after I spent a weekend moping around. I’m currently studying abroad in Paris, and although I have a built-in network of other Americans, I’m eager to practice my French and meet the locals. Thanks for the tips. I’ll definately at least be doing more walking as we move into spring up here.
this article was right up my alley. i love that saying.
love you
I’m in a similar situation, but its not that the I have moved to a new city its that I have moved back to a city (Melbourne in fact) after 3 years of living in a smaller town. I feel like I have to start all over again, but after reading this I’m willing to get out there and give it a go, Thanks for the great advice.
I’m moving to Melbourne next July with my boyfriend and I’m so nervous and excited!!
This article really helped reassure me :)
I think the main thing is just being positive about who you are, and not worrying about what other people think of you. You can’t expect other people to like you if YOU don’t like you!
The events thing is a majorly good point. If the idea of going alone daunts you, take someone else and set yourself the goal of meeting at least two or three new people each. You’re still with someone, so if the only person you meet is just not your cup of tea, you can pull the, “excuse me, I have to run, my friend is waiting for me” line.