I'm So Jealous!
[ 20 March 2007 ]
“I really think you should do an article on dealing with jealousy. I just got hit really badly today with jealousy since my friend got accepted to this school and I got rejected from mine, even though the ones I applied to are way harder to get into. I just feel like it is unfair since she has not-so-great grades and doesn’t try, while I put my all into everything I do and have straight A’s. It’s hard to explain. But the green-eyed-monster affects us all sometimes…”
This is such a huge topic, & even though the request was for advice as relates to jealousy between friends, I’m going to include some things regarding jealousy in an intimate relationship too.
“The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.”
- William Penn
Jealousy is an incredibly destructive emotion. If it gets out of control, it can rip your life apart. Sark has some great things to say about jealousy in her book The Bodacious Book Of Succulence. She says that we should think of jealousy as a gift — that, ultimately, it is helpful because it points the way towards where we might like to go.
Jealousy teaches us a lot about ourselves. If we can step back from the emotions flaring up, a more thorough examination of the situation can be a complete revelation. Why are you jealous of Jane? Do you think she’ll leave you for someone else? Do you feel unpopular in comparison? Does being around her make you feel like a dunce?
I also learnt from Sark that jealousy gets bigger if you try to keep a lid on it, or pretend that it’s not there. She wrote that saying, “I am so jealous!” aloud — especially to the person you’re green about — removes all its power. I don’t completely agree with that though. Doing this might make you feel a little bit better, but it won’t completely remove the emotion, & you have no control over how the other person is going to react to you. For all you know, they could be completely snide & hideous about it, which would only make you feel worse.
The reason jealousy is so destructive is that the whole reason it exists is because you are comparing yourself to someone else. We all do this at some point or another, but we could devote our lives to making comparisons between ourselves & whoever — it doesn’t alter reality in any real way. You will still be you, & they will still be whoever they are. I remember reading Freaky Friday when I was a kid, about a mother & daughter swapping places — unfortunately (or fortunately?!), life isn’t like that.
Another thing about jealousy is that it can be so all-consuming that it can completely blind you to reality. People feel jealous of others because they’ve made a value judgment (“Sarah has wealthier parents than I do”) & attached importance to it (“I believe having wealthy parents is significant”). In this example, why is having a well-to-do family important to you? I’m also sure you’d find people who disagreed with your initial statement — the Crown Prince of Brunei, for example. The whole thing is very subjective.
How about Kate Moss? If you compare yourself to her, you might feel bad about yourself. She is probably slimmer, more photogenic, more stylish, wealthier etc. However, she also has a boyfriend who treats her like dung & a slew of paparazzi who follow her everywhere. Not to mention the drug problem. If she was actually happy & liked herself, somehow I doubt she would date such a deadbeat, or consume drugs so ferociously.
So it may be that Sarah’s parents have more money than you, but her father is never around & her mother drinks herself into a coma every night. Do you see what I’m getting at? No one really knows the true story of anybody else, & it is ridiculous to assume you do.
Deep down, you know all of this already. The problem is that feeling jealous is an effect, not a cause. Really, regardless of the reason you’re jealous — fear of being abandoned, fear of being stupid, etc. — it all comes from one place.
Fear.
Jealousy stems from the fear that you do not have value or any special attributes of your own. It is kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy in that, because you believe you have little or no value, you will be constantly looking to reaffirm this. So you see people who appear to be doing better than you, & it “proves” to you that you were right — you really are useless.
It is so easy for us to feel bad about ourselves in this society where we are told we have to consume to be cool, we have to guzzle diet pills to be beautiful, we have to be straight fall in love get married have children make lotsa cash fall in line OR ELSE!
While identifying your jealousy is worth doing, there aren’t a lot of practical steps you can take to get rid of it. The only way to really remedy this whole thing — the source of your jealousy — is to concentrate on yourself. You need to love & value yourself — then you won’t be constantly seeking people to weigh yourself up against. Stop comparing yourself to other people, for your own sake.
Make a decision right now: that you will put yourself first, & that your personal happiness & security are your top priority. Then go about making that your reality, in a 100% healthy, constructive way. Work on yourself from the ground up, in a holistic manner. Listen to what your mind & body are trying to tell you, then act on it. If you need to see a nutritionist, a therapist, a spiritual guru, do it! If you need to get in touch with your estranged family & clear the air, start now! If you need to cull negative people from your life, please go right ahead!
Improve yourself every day. Buy a notebook, go to a cafe & make yourself some goals. Make a list of things you like about yourself & refer to them all the time — if you can’t write the list, get a good friend to do it for you. Think about things that would make you happy, & write them down. Do you want to study in Paris or become a famous photographer? Start making steps in the right direction — take an extracurricular class or make it your aim to shoot 5 great photos a week.
Do whatever it takes to make you feel good. That might mean weird changes occur, like you stop going out drinking with your friends every weekend, or you turn down that girl you’re really interested in, because you know she’s cruel to her lovers. Do what you have to do. If you have to pretend that you care about yourself, do that. It’ll get easier.
Keep concentrating on you, you, you. Discover who you want to be & what you want to do. It’s such an exciting process, which makes the whole thing worth it. Sometimes you might find it scary, but push through. It will make you a better person. As you go through this process, you could find yourself backsliding a bit. Jealousy might start to rear its ugly head, but now it will be much less painful, & you’ll shake it off quickly.
The more you know & like yourself, the happier you will be. You’ll be more in control of your life, with the ability to steer it anywhere you want to. You will no longer feel the need to criticise everyone you know. The coat of jealousy will slip from your shoulders into the street, & you will walk on oblivious.
Working on your self-esteem is not a cure-all, but it is an essential building block. If you don’t have it, suffice to say that life will be harder. Baby, you don’t need that! Do yourself a favour.
Extra For Experts:
Building Self-Esteem: A Self-Help Guide
Jealousy in the Russian culture
Top 10 Ways To Deal With Jealousy, from askmen.com
Jealousy Cause Worksheet
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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Can I just tell you that you’re so awesome? I love reading the articles you post here, and they always make me feel so warm and fuzzy (pardon the overused cliche).
So, yeah. You’re awesome. And you have cool hair.
Oh, thank you kitten! It’s hard to write this kind of thing without coming across like a self-indulgent prat, or sounding like a bad Anthony Robbins book. I just think all this stuff is really important, you know?
haha the comment that it comes down to Fear reminds me of Donnie Darko…eek!
Really insightful article though!
No, I think you’re right. And people are asking for your opinion, so it’s not like it’s just out of nowhere.
And you’re really good at injecting enough humor into your articles that they don’t come off as pompous or anything.
Your blog is wonderful! I don’t know how to say this, but I’ve been having a rough time lately and I guess I’ve been looking for a positive voice to inspire me to make some changes that I’ve been needing to make. My own thoughts don’t seem to be enough lately, but your words have really inspired me to think in a different, happier, more productive way. Please keep writing these wonderful articles. You always make me smile! (or cry, but in a good way!)
i came across your website through blackcigarette on livejournal. i love everything you write. it’s great! and you give really good advice.
no, no you don’t come across like that! i love reading your blog. i check it every day, sometimes multiple times, haha.
this article was really good, by the way. you have so much life knowledge.
wow. i’m so glad i stumbled upon this. it really struck a chord with me.
thank you ever so much.
hey,
I know I’m a bit late here.. but anyway
thanks for this post, it really helped me abit.
Well, I didnt actually think I would talk about that on a blog, unknown to me but since its just this wonderful oppurtinity… Well I am so so jealous of a guy, who will even probably soon be the husband of this girl I really really love… and I guess I will never ever see her again since I live like 3000 miles away now which just really makes me sad… i would just give everything to see her once or be with her once :(
and it just hurts so much to see her with him.. i still dont know what to do anymore…
I know this is an old article, but I have to tell you how much I loved reading it. I think that it might be one of your best ever.