In Bed With Your Parents
[ 3 April 2007 ]
I was reading a book last night (Hot Relationships by Tracey Cox, if you must know!) & came across something really interesting. She had a whole chapter on what to do if you commonly fall into bad relationships. I have always known that these things tend to stem from a lack of self-esteem, but that was about the extent of my knowledge.
What she wrote really surprised me. At first I thought it was too clean a theory to actually have any basis in real life, but then I thought about the people I know & have been involved with, & I realised she was right.
Here’s a summary. (Unfortunately it is written with a heterosexual bias, so I don’t know how it applies to lesbian or gay relationships. Any ideas?)
Regardless of what you thought about the kind of relationship your parents had, you will subconsciously search to replicate it — or, if you’ve made a conscious decision that you don’t want to be like that, you’ll be looking for the complete opposite.
For women: Your father is the blueprint of all future men you’ll meet, meaning you will expect all men you come across to be similar to your father. It generally takes a while to realise that this isn’t necessarily the case. My father is successful & determined & hard-working & very loving — & so, to me, those are examples of “ultimate manhood”. If men don’t have those qualities, they don’t float my boat. If, however, your father is an alcoholic who let the family down, you will automatically expect the same of all men. Also, often what feels most natural to you in a relationship is an imitation of the way you used to be with your father — so if he was slightly dominating but loving, you’ll be drawn to that kind of man. If your father was always distant, you might find yourself replicating that over & over again with other men. Also, if your father was really good-looking, you’ll tend to go for really hot men, while if your dad wasn’t such a stunner, you’re more likely to be interested someone for their personality.
“If you had a doting father, you’re likely to reject men who don’t adore you. If your father wasn’t the hugging, affectionate kind, the message you got was: I’m not sexually attractive.”
For men: As above, it’s likely you’ll seek out the type of relationship you had with your mother. If your mother was a traditional, stay-at-home mother who doted on husband & kids alike, you may be on the search for a similarly old-fashioned gal who wants to take care of you. But if you think your mother could have done more with her life, you might really want a woman with a corporate job & a ballsy attitude. You’ll also learn from your father how to treat women — whether to bring flowers, for example, & how far it’ll get you if you do.
In terms of practical application, one helpful thing to do is think about your parents’ relationship. If you want the same kind of relationship they had, then that’s easy, you’re already going to automatically head in that direction. If you DON’T, you need to make a list of the things you didn’t like about it & keep it on hand. You will tend to subconsciously try to mimic what your parents had, because that’s familiar & comfortable to you. If you’re in a stable relationship with someone, you might want to show them your list. That way you can both keep an eye out to make sure what you have doesn’t devolve into your parents’ relationship.
Did either one of your parents have an affair? If, as a girl, your dad had an affair, you will have learnt not to trust men like him. If, as a girl, your mother was the one humping her way around the neighbourhood (for example), you might find yourself more prone to cheating than most other girls you know. If you’re a guy, your father cheating on your mother has sent a strong message — that this is how men treat women. Think about how that fits in with your personal ethics. You may need to actively fight against strong natural instincts to cheat.
Of course, just because your parents are huge influences, you need to let go of any blame or anger towards them for “making you this way”. They also had role-models which have affected them, & anger isn’t going to get you anywhere. Try to see their positive attributes. Your mother may have been a tyrant, but at least you learnt not to take any shit. See what I’m getting at?
Tomorrow I’m going to write a guide to getting out of a destructive relationship. Stay tuned!
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala 
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madame,
monsieur Share this! + Email This + Del.icio.us
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I definitely agree with this! I’m always shrinking the brains of people I know to figure out why they are the way they are. However, I’d have to disagree that an unfaithful father encourages his son to cheat subconsciously; the men I’ve known with that history have been adamantly opposed to the idea because of their father’s infidelity.
I think I wrote that bit badly! Yes, of course you either react positively or negatively to something, which either compels you to be that one or to be the complete opposite :>
I’d also have to agree to a certain extent – as my father is a much, much older man (65) and I have always been attracted to older men automatically. Not exactly HIS age, but being in my late teens, guys who are in their late twenties to early forties have always interested me (thankfully I’ve never acted on those feelings since I’m always conflicted against the morality of being involved with someone much older.)
Ooh, the age-gap conundrum is so interesting to me. Like Aaliyah sang, “age ain’t nothing but a number”, & sometimes I am inclined to agree. There are so many girls/women who are mentally & emotionally much older than their years would have you think. I like older men too. I have always been pretty “old”, though, which I think can be at least partially attributed to my parents never really treating me like a child. When I was in school, my out-of-school social group was in the 20-30 age bracket. I have always related better to people who are older than me. I don’t “get” my peer group most of the time. The majority of them boggle my mind.
I don’t see anything very morally objectionable in a large age difference, I think it’s more a case of intention/motive. If a man loves you regardless of your age, that’s brilliant — but if he loves you BECAUSE of your age (or if it is a major motivating factor) then I think that becomes a problem. Obviously anyone who is much younger than their partner is at a higher risk of being manipulated & taken advantage of. There are also those men who never date anyone older than age 25 — I think that says something about their emotional maturity ;> Can’t handle a real woman? Move along, bucko!
P.S. I have learned that, regardless of age, men are always boys underneath it all! Which is a good thing :D
I’m not quite sure I’d want a boyfriend with the same kind of lecherous humor my dad is prone to….but he is funny otherwise, so I guess that’s why I’ve always liked jokey boys. This gives me a little bit of the creeps, though!
I have the same mental age quirk, since my parents brought me EVERYWHERE, including their parties or just regular places little kiddies probably shouldn’t hang around. I just don’t feel entirely comfortable with dating someone that could be old enough to be my father. I think in the end maturity would become a huge issue for me, no matter how old I feel I am, they are still older than me, have seen more than me, know more than me and I think maybe my self esteem would go down a little bit because no matter how smart I feel I am, and no matter how much I would want to share because I had JUST discovered it, my partner would probably already know it.
And in the end, a seventeen year old dating anyone over the age of 50 borderlines on Anna Nicole Smith and is more creepy than exciting.
I could probably go for someone in their twenties.
hmm, this veers a little too closely to freudian analysis for my liking (i dislike freud intensely), but i have to agree that there are some good points. i don’t know my father at all – i don’t even know his name (nor do i particularly want to). & i have fallen from one destructive relationship to another, getting involved with boys who do nothing good for me, or self-sabotaging good things.
how about a guide on fixing a destructive relationship, rather than getting out of it? i’m currently in one, but i don’t want to get out of it. i just want to make it better.
xo
I was discussing this with a good friend of mine a while back, trying to figure out why he picks the girls he does to date. For me though, this:
“If you had a doting father, you’re likely to reject men who don’t adore you. If your father wasn’t the hugging, affectionate kind, the message you got was: I’m not sexually attractive.”
Explains a hell of a lot.
this is very insightfull and I’ve actually been thinking about the same thing myself. I guess this explains why all my boyfriends have been tall, blond and rocking a beard :D
Ahhh, yeah. My best friend and I were sitting around one night talking about boys and relationships (as usual) and we both kind’ve admitted that we’d come to the conclusion that we tend to go for men reminiscent of our fathers. It used to freak me out when my mom would tell me my boyfriends reminded her of my dad, but I roll with it now. I came to terms with the fact that I really do idealize and idolize the relationship they had when I was a kid, a marriage that was as much based on creativity as it was physical/emotional intimacy. The worst problem they had in the end is that he liked men better than women, so I figure as long as my boyfriends are actually straight, it’s a good model. ;)
By the way, I found this blog a few days ago, I can’t remember how, but I absolutely love it. Your sense of style is fantastic and creative, and your articles and advice are smart, thoughtful and wonderfully positive. Thanks for… umm, being you, and sharing it with the internets!
This articel reminds of a subject I learned in phycology last term. It was one of sigmund freud theriores but I don’t remember which theroy it was.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freud