Infinite Relationships
[ 4 April 2009 ]
I found this the other day & really enjoyed reading it. It’s an essay on relationships that was published as a zine called Infinite Relationships: Relationships without bounds or boundaries, love without limits, without ends. Normally I would not just take someone else’s article & repost it, but I think it’s important enough that it can stand on its own — & I’d love to hear your opinions on it, too.
For what it’s worth, I think a lot of the points he raises in this essay are important & valid & worth investigating, though I am not necessarily sure that (for me) polyamory is the answer.
You can download the pdf here. Unfortunately, there is no name on it so I don’t know who to attribute it to, but it’s very well-written! Finally, I’ve edited this slightly, just so that no one gets in trouble reading this at work! Okay, enjoy!
This is about so-called “non-monogamous relationships,” about some of the benefits of trying out one of the alternatives to the formulaic dating/marriage/divorce model for love. Your response to this article will probably be similar to the one I had a few years ago when I read a discussion of the same subject by David Sandstrom in the Swedish ‘zine Handbook for Revolutionaries: “good idea, but, uh, not relevant to me, of course…” It turned out I was wrong. Had I remembered a lesson I’ve learned over and over, I would have realized that often the ideas that make me the most defensive and uncomfortable at first turn out to be the most important for me in the long run. Not to say that I’m offering a program that you must all immediately adjust yourselves to… but we can’t remind each other enough to be open to new ideas, in case they do prove to be helpful in our lives.
A couple years ago I had a wonderful experience on tour, in which I finally experienced what it felt like for men’s gender roles to be dissolved: over the course of the tour everyone in the band and the people touring with us were all able to open up and become emotionally supportive and loving, and suddenly the experience of being with a lot of other boys was totally f*cking different from anything I’d encountered before. In this safe, encouraging environment, all of us really felt fearless, free, ready to try anything, with no more doubt or need for walls to protect us. On the surface, it was just that we weren’t afraid to touch and hold each other, and that we stopped complaining and being selfish; but the implications beneath this were immense: I realized that there was no need for intimacy and emotional support to be confined to my romantic relationships—I could create and benefit from these things in every relationship.
This got me thinking about my romantic relationships… if there was no reason my friendships couldn’t be more like my love affairs, why couldn’t my love affairs be more like my friendships? When I thought about it, my friendships had a lot going for them that my love affairs never did: my friends were never jealous or possessive, my friendships didn’t tend to adhere to some strict socialized image of what they “should” be, and while my friendships generally continued on in one form or another through my life, once it turned out that a romantic relationship wasn’t storybook-perfect it would end and I wouldn’t see the lover any more.
All my love relationships had proceeded something like this: In the beginning I would meet a beautiful new person, we would broaden each others’ horizons and have wonderful experiences together, and thus fall in love. At first we would feel more free together than either of us ever had, and the world would seem full to overflowing with possibility and wild joy. But slowly, not trusting the rest of the world, or the future in which we might not feel such wonderful things, we would build our relationship into a castle, to keep out the cold and dangerous outside world, and protect our passion by turning it into an institution. Sex, which at the beginning had been something that came more naturally and freely than anything else, became jealously guarded as the seal sanctifying our love relationship, as proof that it was different than all our other relationships. [This seems, in retrospect, like a really strange role for sex to play.] Inevitably, I would wake up one day and realize that the free, feral passion that we’d been united by was gone, replaced by habit, routine, fear of change; the castle we’d built had become a tomb, sealing us inside and away from the outside world, which we’d actually needed all along to bring us each new things to offer the other and sustain ourselves. Inside the coffin, we fought more and more, each demanding that the other prove her love by sacrificing more and more—when love is supposed to enable you to live more, not disable you in return for an assurance of basic companionship, a companionship that often replaces your participation in larger communities anyway. Falling in love had been like finding a secret entrance to the garden of Eden, a gift economy in which we shared everything without keeping score or worrying about “fair trade”; but now we were back in the exchange economy, competing to see who could need more, who could control more. After all my attempts to transcend the stereotyped roles of people in romantic relationships, I suddenly found that I was a “boyfriend” again, with a “girlfriend” (which is not a healthy role for anyone to have to play in this sexist society!), with no idea how it had all happened.
I started thinking about how it is that we all keep falling into these patterns, and how we could avoid them. The issue of limitation kept coming up: the idea that some things had to be off limits for the relationship to work. With my friends, nothing is off limits, and nothing is demanded either: we offer each other whatever we can, whenever we have it to give, and we don’t demand anything that doesn’t come naturally for the other (that’s how my friendships go when they’re healthy, at least, and most of them are at this point). I decided to look into what other models for love relationships there were, and discovered that there is a long tradition of relationships without these limits and expectations: non-monogamous, or “open,” relationships.
I’m not trying to say that monogamous relationships are bad, exactly, but there are a thousand kinds of relationships, and we generally only permit ourselves to try one format, which seems ridiculous. Let’s explore a bit. Every time I hear about another wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend cheating and sneaking around, every time I hear someone speaking proudly about how (in the name of monogamy) he has managed to resist doing something he really wants to, every time I must listen to someone pathetically lamenting the feeling of being “trapped” in a relationship or unable to pursue her desires out of some kind of fear, every f*cking time I have to witness someone leering voyeuristically (“it’s ok to look if you don’t touch”), it makes me so furious about how we’ve trapped ourselves in this one-option relationship system, accepting these symptoms of suffocation as inevitable instead of experimenting with the other possibilities. More than anything else, our commitment to supporting monogamy as the only option (other than “casual sex,” I guess, which is boring as f*ck and bad in other ways too) keeps us from being honest with each other. We’ve got to dare to address all these complexities of life and desire openly, even if it is painful.
We punk rockers always act like we’re such radical people, but when it comes down to acting, in practice, to try out radically different ways of living that might be more in line with our ideas (or just plain challenging, for once, not safe—nothing is more dangerous than playing it safe!), it doesn’t occur to us to question our programmed habits. All too often our revolutionary ideas are just badges, a different ideology for us to vote for, not catalysts for transforming life. This is an issue that affects everyone, where anarchist values can be tried out in the real world, but thus far I’ve seen very little discussion of this subject in our community; if we’re going to question the way the world works, we should take that home to our own personal relationships, and perhaps try out alternatives there first before proposing solutions to the ills of the world. That is—if we really have solutions to the ills of our society, let’s put those into practice to solve the ills of our own relations. Healer, heal thyself.
What an open relationship is:
The most important thing here is to get over the idea that a person’s value is measured by whether she alone can be “enough” for another person. The world is infinite, and so are we—no amount of living, no number or depth of interactions with others should be “enough” for any of us, just as no amount of interactions with a person you love will ever be “enough.” To set borders on what another person can do or feel, as a condition for them to be able to receive my love and affection, goes against everything I believe as an anarchist and a human being; I want to trust others to know what they need, and never limit them—and I certainly don’t think my life will be any richer from the limitations I place on others. We have to free each other to be and become ourselves. This isn’t just about other lovers or sex partners or friends, it’s also about other undertakings, needs, even the desire for space and solitude—it’s heartbreaking how much of our selves our lovers often ask us to sacrifice to be with them.
I want to be valued for what I am, for what I do naturally, not how well I conform to some pre-set list of needs that someone has. If someone else can fill some of those needs, I wouldn’t deny that to anyone, and I don’t want to be jealous when others have something different to offer; I just want the chance to offer what I have to give to those I love, and to remember that those things are priceless and not comparable to whatever unique gifts others may have. None of us should ever be saddled with the role of sole provider for someone’s needs (romantic or otherwise), anyway; our purpose on this earth is not to serve others, but to find ways to be ourselves in ways that also benefit others. By saying the rest of the world isn’t off limits to your partner, you free yourself of the job of being the whole world to your partner.
The monogamy system means that people hesitate to share themselves with others in certain ways, lest they become romantically involved—for since you can only have one romantic partner at a time, you have to make sure that your one partner is a good investment (and here we are back in the capitalist market even in our love relationships). Women check men out for financial means, men ponder whether a woman’s beauty is socially recognized enough to offer the prestige he hopes to get by having her at his side, and no one is able to experiment with partners who don’t meet enough of these criteria to be potential spouses. For that matter—just as in your friendships, there may be people in the world with whom you can spend some wonderfully romantic time once or twice a month, but with whom you don’t have enough in common to date steadily and then marry, etc. (although you often see such mismatched couples, who would have been happy as more sporadic partners, making each other miserable in fifty-year marriages). Non-monogamous relationships make such things possible without paying any price of mutual unhappiness.
I’ve decided that I no longer want to have a hierarchy of value between my friendships and my love relationships: they’re both crucial, irreplaceable in my life, and f*ck anyone who wants me to choose between any of them. Not only that, but I’ve stopped classifying things as “love” or “friendship” according to arbitrary superficial details—the feelings I share with certain friends are so intimate, so beautiful, that it’s ridiculous that I don’t call them lovers just because we don’t sleep together. It’s f*cking absurd that sex should be the dividing line between our relationships, between which ones take precedence, between who we play with, live with, sleep with, who we take care of first, who we die with at last.
By the same token, in open relationships, sex isn’t weighed down with so many implications and restrictions. Love and desire outside the lines of the monogamy model are demonized and attacked on every front in this society—in the lives of women, at least, and those men who don’t want to be monogamous but also despise the superficiality and sexist bullsh*t of the “player” scene are unlikely to find support in feminist circles, either. Sex should not be contained, and it should not be made symbolic of anything—it should simply be another way for people to be physically affectionate with each other, to give each other pleasure, to be intimate and emotionally expressive, taking equal responsibility for their involvement but without having to answer to some hypercritical mass, social expectation, or moral taboo.
An open relationship is just that: it is a relationship in which people can be open with each other, and with themselves—in which nothing need be hidden or suppressed or off limits, in which the whole world can be ours to explore without fear of transgressing imaginary boundaries. When we demand total openness and honesty from each other in relationships that include limits and taboos, we’re setting ourselves up for betrayals and dishonesty: to say “be open!” without being receptive to all of the possible truths is fascist and preposterous. We have to be supportive of each other, in every aspect of our individual characters, if we want real honesty to be possible. Otherwise, we’re like Christians at confession with each other, demanding that we reveal all out of some moral imperative, with the whip of shame ready for any straying impulse. We have to learn to embrace and celebrate anything that feels good for each other. If it’s good for our lovers, it’s good for us—are we really so selfish that we can’t see this?
For one example of how this could work, let’s go back to the story of our tour. On the tour, different individuals formed close bonds, and shared private worlds together like lovers do; but they also remembered that for the community to function, they couldn’t withdraw from their relationships with everyone else. And whenever two people needed a break from each other or wanted to expand their horizons a bit, they would spend more time with others, because there were always others around them who also had things to offer. Everyone was safe and cared for, and no one was left out, because we weren’t paired off in exclusive twos.
Conversely, the scarcity economy of lovers which we have right now makes each person hurry to pick another and chain her to him, before he is left alone forever. The alternative, which this fear of solitude prevents us from seeing, seems more preferable: a world without borders, in which each of us would be part of a broader family of lovers and friends, with no distinction made between the two—and no set format for any relationship, so experimentation would be a constant feature of every one, and no relationship could ever get dull or overwhelming. To get to such a world, we just have to get used to not limiting each other, to not thinking of love as a limited commodity.
Jealousy, and what I’ve learned from it:
Yes, I still feel jealous sometimes. I’ve had experiences before of being insanely jealous—not just of another man, but of other things my partners loved or experienced or were excited about. Being able to come to terms with these things has been very important in the development of my confidence and sense of self. It took me years to feel (not just understand) that if my lover loves other things or other people as well, it doesn’t mean I am less valuable. Besides, if (he or) she truly loves me, it’s not because I match up to some list of desired qualities that someone else can outmatch me at—she loves me for reasons that are unique to me, that no one else can compete with, so I have nothing to fear. Love isn’t a scarcity commodity—it increases, just like joy, the more it is permitted and shared and given away. I don’t feel like I have to hoard anyone all to myself now. I know that doesn’t work, or help to protect love (or me, for that matter).
I consider my jealousy a worthy adversary, one that can teach me a lot about myself if I confront it rather than trying to protect myself from it by controlling others. I’ve had experiences in relationships before where lovers of mine have limited themselves in order to protect me from my jealousy, and it has been catastrophic for both of us, you can imagine. It’s just as important to me now that I help others to not be “afraid for me” as it is that I learn not to be afraid for myself.
One of the things jealousy has taught me about is my attitude toward other men. It’s interesting for me to note that I’ve never felt threatened by women whom my partners were attracted to or involved with, but other men have always made me see red. In our society, men are conditioned not to trust each other, to hate each other, to try to “protect” women from other men (which often looks more like hoarding and protecting personal “property”), and this inclination makes sense when you look at how f*cked up many men are when it comes to interacting with women. But for me to not trust any men to be something good for my partners (past the point of limited friendship) is outright paranoia and territorial bullsh*t. If I trust the judgment of my partner, I should trust her to know what and who is good for her, and to not let my each-against-all male conditioning interfere.
Some objections I’ve heard raised to open relationships:
“It sounds good in theory, but the way people feel is more important than these abstractions…”
Some people think that we come up with ideas and theories not as solutions to the real problems of our lives, but to show off what good ideas we can come up with. If it’s not clear by now that I’ve been thinking about this as an attempt to solve rather than exacerbate the problems in my love relationships, then I apologize for doing such a poor job writing this article. And hey—if you think open relationships can be tough on your emotions, just try long-term monogamy. They’re both hard sometimes.
“But human nature—”
F*ck you. Enough said. Human nature is what we make it, and you know that too, whether or not you want to own up to it—you cowardly excuse-mongering bastards.
“I guess that’s fine if it’s what you want to try, but luckily I only want monogamy for myself! I’m all set!”
That’s great for you, if it really is true—for the time being, at least. We’re always so thrilled when our desires happen to coincide with social rules: then it’s easy for us to feel proud of our desires, to think they’re beautiful, since they are universally accepted (indeed, everything around you is reinforcing the idea that what you are lucky enough to feel for the moment is perfection itself)… but you might not always be that “lucky,” you know. Should you (or someone else) ever feel a need that isn’t satisfied by the monogamy system, if you haven’t already made the effort to get others to understand and accept the idea that there are many different acceptable kinds of relationships and desire, you’ll be back at ground zero, finding yourself misunderstood, hated, called slut and whore. Nobody should have to go through that, ever, so whatever you personally need, you have a stake in promoting non-monogamy as a viable option too. Otherwise, we’ll all live in fear of waking up one day feeling a desire that is unacceptable—and that fascist power of moralism over our lives is exactly what I thought we were trying to fight in punk rock.
That’s why I consider myself non-monogamous right now, even though I’ve only had sexual relations with one person over the past five months: I do what I do not out of a commitment to monogamy, but rather a commitment to meeting my own needs and those of others, with no f*cking regard for social norms—and to supporting others who do the same thing, whether or not they do it in the same way. Non-monogamy isn’t about sex, anyway—it’s a general approach to relationships with people, as I discussed above.
“Open relationships are bad for women—it’s just another way for men to be selfish, and absent when women need them…”
This is the kind of sexist remark I’d rather not have to deal with, but I’ve heard it before. It reminds me of the old myth that all [“good”] women want “responsible” monogamous relationships, and the ones who don’t must be confused [so it’s OK for us to look down on them, just as misogynist pigs call them sluts]. First of all, women have been the ones who introduced me to most of these ideas. Besides the women I know personally, the very best book I’ve been able to find on this subject (The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, on Greenery Press), which I would strongly recommend to anyone interested in the issue, is written by women [if you can’t find it, write me and I’ll lend you my copy]. Second of all, a lot of the men and women involved in pioneering different models for relationships over the past few decades have not been involved in heterosexual relationships, so in those cases this is a totally unfounded criticism. Third—people who say this make it sound like they think men are only emotionally nurturing to women who are paying them off for it with sex and denying them access to any other sex as a way to be sure the payoff will always work. God, I hope that’s not the best we can hope for in heterosexual relations…
Finally—yes, it’s true that men have been conditioned to be selfish and somewhat less than nurturing in their relationships, and just shifting relationship models is not going to cure that. But that’s going to be a problem in whatever kinds of relationships they have, not just open ones, and it has to be dealt with separately. A loving, caring boy is not going to go running off for sex with some stranger when his lover (or one of his lovers) really needs him. There are so many dangers in our sexuality, since so much of it has been programmed by our enemies; we men need to unlearn the pressures that make us seek out superficial sex as a way to avoid real intimacy and support. That brings me to the third objection:
“So does this mean you’re giving up on your romantic dreams, your hopes for living happily ever after, just trading them for a series of sexual episodes with acquaintances?”
No, not at all. I’m not interested in evading personal commitments and long term relationships—rather, I want to protect them from being unnecessarily at risk. I want to secure my romantic relationships, so they won’t be at risk from trivial things like temporary boredom or attraction to others, by creating relationships that are sustainable through changes in my life and needs. That way I can hope to have my lovers as long as I have my friends, ‘til death do us part for real, and no old taboos (or jealousy, insecurity, etc.) will interfere. Sure, this will be hard sometimes, just like everything is hard sometimes—but the rewards of making this work will be greater in every way, I think.
What I’m hoping to do here is free us from the unnecessary tragedies of our love affairs, the insecurities and possessiveness that deny us the commitment and pleasure we could have together. In order to be ready to remove those obstacles, we have to be ready to face the real tragedies head on, with great courage: we can’t demand that others protect us from our insecurities by limiting themselves, and we have to face the fact that there will be moments when we are alone. The price of not doing this is absurd—today, we suffer both the necessary and unnecessary tragedies in our relationships, because of the courage we lack. Is it too much to ask that we try something new?
Love letters & feather headdresses,
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Amazing. Thank you so much for posting this…
Fantastic article. I’ve thought about these things as well, being an aquarius and a hippy in a clever disguise, I love the idea of limitless love. To be honest, I’d probably end up even more faithful without these boundaries. However, how do you bring up this subject with your partner?
Ia — Show them this article & ask for their thoughts? ;>
This was a very inspiring article, but I am still going to say that ‘this may work for others but not me’, and I wont be criticized for thinking that way—because I know what’s best for ME. I do, however, applaud anyone that makes this work in their life, because that means that they found their own happiness—and isn’t that what life is about? I love my monogamous relationship so so very much and wouldn’t trade it for a million other ‘good’ relations.
I’m just happy for anyone that finds ultimate and eternal happiness in love. No matter what kind of relation it is. :)
First of all, I think the tone of the article (I skimmed it in some parts, but got the gist of it from the larger parts I read in depth) is much too antagonistic towards people who choose to engage in and make arguments for monogamy. I suppose when I hear a term like “infinite love,” I think of a very peaceful Buddhist monk who makes no judgements about anyone. Semantics aside, I think people who think of monogamy as this horrible, awful machine hand-cranked by society are entitled to their opinions, but no wiser about the love’s labyrinthine ways than the rest of us. If we’re all dancing around wildly with all these different lovers, which one will take care of us when we get very sick and—god forbid—old? Please don’t tell me “All of them!” because I will LMAO. I like this article as a justification of why polyamory works for some—the formula looks nice on paper—but I raise an eyebrow and stop reading when I see that there is no such thing as human nature. I find this absurd, and suggest the author go read some Shakespeare for a crash-course in human nature.
Hm, good timing on this one. I sorta fell into an open relationship recently, and it’s been a bit confusing. The guy is one of my best friends, everything is going well, and we’re both really happy. In fact, we’re even closer now than we used to be. And yet I’m constantly battling the fact that society has sorta programmed me to feel like monogamy is the way to go. I sometimes feel weird about things more because I should than because I really am. Odd stuff.
I need oneness. I’m sorry but that’s just me. The type of person that I am, I don’t ever feel robbed or cheated of other experiences. I plunge straight into who I am seeing and for me that person is my super cold medicine high and I love it. If you, as the author wrote, feel you have to look but can’t touch, if you feel you have to sneak around, if you feel you have to anything outside that suggests you want to play around then I feel sorry for you that you can’t enjoy the person that you’re with to the extent that it’s total contentment. Just thinking about my person leaves me breathless and dazed. It’s like my person was created for me. That’s how I felt when I was in my relationship.
However, I think it’s rare to find people who can truly claim to be content (and when I use the word content I don’t mean borderline happy, I mean the kind of happy where you’re just zen all day man) with one person (lol like my ex). If we stopped and thought about it we would find that there is a need for something more. So does that mean we need to start the movement of true love through jaded eyes? A movement where sex no longer determines how devoted we are to a person, where love is not measured by what you should or shouldn’t have done? The movement of the century where we simply love without any reservations and don’t have to worry about that trapped feeling?
Or is there a new medium that we haven’t discovered? Or maybe I think too much. I’m going back to sleep. Nice find gala.
The Ethical Slut is the best book ever on how to go forth in a non-monogamous relationship. Great advice in there even for those who wish to stay monogamous. In fact, I think I am due for a re-read.
I completely respect this authors different views on relationships, but I have to say I don’t really agree with it.
I will be the first to admit that I have no idea how relationships work. You hear stories about people meeting on a whim, getting arranged marriages when they’re barely legal or are complete opposites and end up having 50+ year completely legit happy marriages. Then you hear about high school sweet hearts or childhood friends bickering and getting divorced in less than a year.
Just personally, I feel the value of intimate relationships is the fact that it’s just with one person. It’s unnatural (in the evolutionary sense) to be with just one person (or have that as your goal). But I think that’s the point. It’s the dedication to a single person that makes a relationship special.
I always felt that people who do the non-monogamous thing take relationships like business ventures. They are playing the odds, which makes perfect logical sense. And if you can be in these open relationships and everyone is happy, I think its great too. For me, the “feeling out” a person thing happens in the dating stages. It just doesn’t feel right to me to be in deep relationships with multiple people, nor would I be happy with my partner doing the same.
The best to be culled from this article, whether in a monogamous or polyamorous (or other) relationship is to trust and respect your partner. I’ve been with a fella for 4.5 years (off & on, officially & not), and through that time, despite what our status was, we had very open hearts & love for the people in our life. We never begrudged each other for kissing our friends, for being affectionate with them, as sex/intimate love (emotional/mental) was understood and shared between us only.
In many ways, we can’t expect fulfillment from one person only…this is why we have girl friends, boy friends, parents, family, and more. It’s up to each individual person to assess the roles of those relationships and what can be fulfilled from them. I can have a boy friend who is not my boyfriend, who fulfills my love of arts, fine food, and monster trucks, and so long as there is honesty between two parties as to what the terms and conditions of that relationship are, it can be beautiful and rewarding.
Maybe I’m a cynic, but it sounds to me like the people who feel “trapped” in monogamous relationships are just doing it wrong (or too scared to break up with people they’re not compatible with). If you seriously feel that every monogamous relationship is a fortress full of sacrifices and hardship, then that’s unfortunate for you, but you obviously have never experienced a monogamous relationship at its best.
I believe this kind of “open” relationship can work for some people, but to imply that monogamous relationships are some kind of broken function of society, just makes you sound like a close-minded hippie.
Peter, you’re wrong on one bit— in an evolutionary sense, monogamy actually isn’t natural. This is why there has always been a statistical difference in the number of men born vs. women. There are a great number of women born for repopulation purposes, while it there are fewer men born because they can impregnate more than one woman. It’s similar in the animal kingdom, as well.
I don’t agree with a lot of this article, but I LOVE the idea of a relationship that frees you rather than constraining you. I think that’s something we should all seek and something we all deserve!
Ashe- I think if you take another look at what Peter wrote, you’ll see you are arguing the same point.
I think this is certainly a very interesting article, but I strongly feel my love and I were created for each other, and our intimacy and relationship never bores or suffocates me. This isn’t right for me, but is a great explanation of why some people choose it.
Ashe – I think you misread, I was saying monogamy isn’t natural, and that’s why I feel monogamous relationships are special to me.
And I have to agree with meg, I just kinda feel people who feel trapped are in crappy relationships.
These comments are awesome. Keep ‘em coming!
Almost everyone I know (myself included) who has/had an open relationship doesn’t just go around sleeping with a ton of people. Open relationships for me are about creating a whole new level of intense friendship with other people. I still have someone who I consider my boyfriend but I don’t rely on him for every single thing I need. We’re with other people (not purely sexual) but we still come home to that one person, the one who even though they’re not perfect, means something more to you then anyone else.
I definitely don’t think that that lifestyle for everyone and just because you’re feeling trapped in your current relationship doesn’t mean you should choose an open relationship (some people are just not compatible). Honestly, if you could find that one person who is everything to you then that’s great.
My mom always told me:
“Love doesn’t trap you, it sets you free” and she and my dad are going on 23 years of being happily married. Of course, they have had their ups and downs…but a monogamous relationship is all about understanding and compromise.
What this article fails to mention, is what happens when a child enters the picture…because inevitabely, eventually (if they aren’t using proper protection), one of the non-monogamous partners will get pregnant. What then?
I personally believe that if people who are attracted to each other become friends first…and then eventually become lovers…their monogamous relationship will have a better chance of succeeding.
I’m all for limitless love, but I don’t entirely buy this article.
Wow, amazing article! It really sums up my ideas about love and relationships. I don’t think I could have articulated them myself, but this article pretty much explains it for me.
Although I am relativly young (20), I feel that from the types of relationships I’ve been in or wanted to be in, I wouldn’t want them to be purely monogamous. I would want to give myself and others the chance to be free with our emotions and needs. Just because you love one person, doesn’t mean you can’t love others in different ways.
I was raised by very liberal and open parents, especially my mother, and from them I learned to be open to all types of things and views on life. I am currently very happily single but when I enter into another relationship I hope that I can find a way to approach it in an open and honest way that won’t put us onto a monogamous track that could end up trapping us.
I have nothing whatsoever against monogamy and I might try it sometime. But like marriage, while I think it works for some, I don’t think I necessarily want it for me.
Wonderful article! Thanks Gala!
well i haven’t finished it yet. but i think this idea sounds scary. and not just because it’s new territory. i don’t think this idea could particularly work for me.
i have many great friends who are supportive and loving but i appreciate that we do not have a physical relationship. i would not want to start to have intimate relationships with them.
Interesting piece. I’m on the good ship “Each to their own”. I do have to admit (it has popped up in my life a lot recently) that I grow tired of people in ‘open’ or ‘poly’ relationships claiming I’m closed-minded or don’t know any better.
Each to their own, dollface – that means you do your thing & I do mine.
I found this article surprisingly defensive between all it’s optimism. I don’t really think “f*ck you” is a well thought out response to things. A lot of the complaints about monogamy don’t happen in healthy relationships. I worry people who find themselves unhappy in their relationship will jump on the idea of polyamory expecting it to fix things, but if you don’t fix yourself first no relationship is going to work, no matter how many people you bring into it. I’m glad this approach works for the author, the world would be a much better place if we could all find a little love in our day. I’d be more interested in seeing an article not on starting polyamory, but on maintaining it. I live in area where a lot of people practice this and it seems like everyone is miserable. I’ve been married 6 years to one man and am happier than ever before, but no one wants my advice because I’m “the norm” and somehow “flawed” to them.
this sounds a bit like jahiliyya..
I would disagree with this article in that I don’t think the key to anything is a relationship model—it’s living and loving bravely. I try to be brave and loving and supportive to all of the people I relate to, whether those relations are romantic, familial or friendships. I do think there are kinds of love—I love my boyfriend differently than my best friends—but I treat each person with the same respect and consideration and feel in each relationship a sense of mutual respect, security and affection. But I am monogamous, and that works for me.
Monogamy isn’t the trap; our egos and our selfishness and our fear are the trap. You have to deal with those things before you can love anyone, whether it’s one person or many people.
I love this article, however…
I think the author’s view of a monogamous relationship is limited.
Up until recently, I never really fared very well with one partner. When I was faithful, My eyes wandered something fierce. When I met the right person, the one I can picture taking care of and getting old with, I didn’t want to risk being dishonest because I felt that would cheapen the relationship. I don’t mean dishonest like sneaking around, I mean dishonest as in not being totally honest about how You feel or what You’re drawn to. It’s not the relationship, I think, but the little white lies and expectations that close You up into a box.
So, I have a serious relationship. AND I’m also My normal, flirtatious self. I’m with a man. He know I still like women, but it isn’t a threat, because I never hid that fact.
I wonder how many relationships fail because of some invisible constraint that was never talked about. I think that’s really the key, if You want any relationship to work, just keep talking.
To distinguish between people in a monogamous relationship or in polyamorous relationships seems just as closed minded to me as becoming ‘trapped’ in a bad monogamous relationship. Still, the spirit of the article (again, getting past the defensiveness towards monogamy) is truly inspiring: loving without bounds and only listening to yourself and your lover(s) when it comes to fulfilling your desires. The point about expecting one person to satisfy your every need being unrealistic is important too.
For me, the best part of the article is the bit on jealousy and how useless it is. It’s a reflection of our own insecurities, and there is no reason I should be jealous of my lover’s friends (male or female) or past girlfriends because he loves me for my uniqueness, whatever that is to him. Jealousy only stops me from growing and accepting myself and limits his growth too. Thanks for the good find, Gala.
If this style of relationships works for soMeone, then the best of luck to them and the more power to them for finding a way to be happy. I dont really know if this would ever work for me, but at this point in my life I dont think it would, and it might never. Well, maybe never, but definetley not now and not when I’m old. Plus, lots of lovers = lots and lots of drama.
While some of the points this article made were very good, I agree with some of the other people that commented in that I did not like the tone of it at all. I thought some of it was way too negative, or at least it put it in the light of “monogomy = conformist and mindless, polyamory = progressive and aware”. Haha and it didnt help that I dislike anarchy and people who think of themselves as punk rockers (although admittedly it wasnt flaunted obnoxiously or anything)
wow, this is a long, long stream of consciousness piece of writing.
we talk about monogamy as though it’s the most practiced thing in the world… it’s not. no one’s being revolutionary by having more than one partner. in fact most of the world is in some way polygamous or polyamorous if you’re not getting married.
where things get blurred is when people start labeling accountability and commitment as a limitations. in my experience, not just with love but with many aspects of my life, accountability and commitment has revealed parts of myself and encouraged spiritual growth, more than simply doing what i wanted (which is often running away when things get tough). i know, it’s counter intuitive, but a lot of things in my life work that way.
i personally cannot be accountable more than one person, i have a hard enough time being accountable to myself.
I agree that the tone is defensive, almost cantankerous, which is never helpful when you’re trying to write about a subject! But the main value I got from the article wasn’t the bit about polyamory at all, really it was about honesty, openness, exploration, & what love is really about.
I think the article speaks of monogamy not as simply an exclusive relationship between two people but rather as a preconceived notion of romantic love as it’s dictated by society around us, which causes some confusion.
While I think the article can be read as somewhat defensive, I don’t think this is directed at monogamy per se but towards this notion of what romantic love SHOULD be. It’s the impression I got anyway, seeing as the author claims to be in a sexually exclusive relationship which he chooses to refer to as non-monogamous.
As for the nature of love and jealousy as they are described in the article I think many interesting and important things are discussed, and while I don’t feel that polyamory is necessary the answer I think there are some important points made here.
What I’ve noticed in friends who decided to take this route is they tend to have no time left for their friends who aren’t simultaneously their lovers, everything suddenly circles around their lovers and no other relationships really matter.
Is anyone even reading this? I’m getting this really negative defensive monogamy vibe here. First of all this article isn’t necessarily deriding monogamous relationships, nor claiming that all monogamous relationships make people feel ‘trapped’ (I really don’t understand why this is the key point most people are coming away with). I feel like this article is simply trying to promote a choice of lifestyle, which sadly we’ll have to refer to as non-monogamous or polyamorous (though I don’t really feel either of these terms are quite appropriate, as they unhelpfully appear to counter an already existing model), in which decisions are made by the individuals in the relationship as to what it means. The writer of the article appears to believe that often monogamous relationships mean that individuals have to yield themselves to particular meanings, rather than defining themselves. I don’t believe he’s condemning people in monogamous relationships, rather the pressures from society that can come with them. By considering a new model, one with so few definitions and expectations, it opens up the possibilities for everyone, including people in a monogamous relationship. It’s still about two people respectfully making decisions together, but with more transparency and perhaps honesty.
The relationship model discussed in this article isn’t about having a sexual relationship with everyone you love. Intimacy, physicality and sexuality are all different components which you can be explored in different ways with different people. ‘Infinite relationships’ simply encourages an open and clear communication about this. Nor does a non-monogamous lifestyle threaten or weaken your dedication to one person. It means choosing to be truly dedicated each person for who they are rather than their role as ‘lover’ ‘partner’ ‘best friend’ or ‘child’. I really think this is one of the best examples given. Just as your love for one child isn’t diminished by your love for your other children, so in a non-monogamous relationship you can love many people and love each of them completely.
When I read this article the other day, what I was most struck by was the idea that ALL of my relationships can exist without limits – can have the same network of love, honesty and support – and can all be entirely unconditional. At the very least, I can engage with them unconditionally.
And in this sense, every relationship I’m in can be part of a kind of polyamory – just maybe not the specific kind the author is discussing.
Commenters are mentioning monogamy and polyamory in qualifying terms – whereas the article just provoked me to change my APPROACH to my relationships, and gave me a greater sense of the possibilities in every relationship, with everyone I meet and engage with – and to do away with that jealousy and dull insularity that can colour monogamous relationships.
Wow this comment is SO jumbled – I have a headcold, a hangover and I just woke up :) Haha!
I think this guy totally gets the point. I really needed to read this too :) I broked with my bf about 2 months ago, but we started to talk again recently, and by the looks of it, we may come back together. I do love him, but there’s no way I’m coming back to the same relationship we had-there’s a reason why it ended, and he knows it too. So I’ve been thinking about open relationships, maybe not “as open” as poligamy, but just as the idea of not being in a relationship with a person you love but because of social rules and the ideas of what a relationship “should be” it gets corrupted and you get the idea of being trapped in it. I think that that was what happened to us, and it sucks SO HARD. The idea of openness, of infinite love and freedom is very appealing, and not only it fits on polyarmy, but in monogamy too! I do think you can have a monogamous relationship and still be “free” or whatever, to be completly open as he says…The concepts of honesty, trust, faithfulness that he points are awesome…is sad that people don’t get that! This article applies to every type of relationship…the ideas are universal. And in the end, is just love what matters, isn’t it :)?
sorry if my comment is weirdly written…sucks to not have english as the primary lenguage :P
thanks Gala for finding this very interesting article! Bound to inspire a lot of comment. What I’m curious to know about, and what friends have never yet answered properly for me is:
Ok I can see how it would be good if your partner is monogamous – you are sure that they won’t run away with someone else, you an count on their undivided attention, you can be sure you can always get sex from them when you need it etc etc. And certainly people should get to choose whatever model of relationships they feel most comfortable with.
But – why is it an advantage for “you” to be monogamous?
- Are you just trading your compliance for longterm security, as some of the posters here have said? i.e. if you aren’t monogamous in return, your sweetie will say “oh no way” and up and leave you? OK initially that sounds like a sensible bargain, a bit like older housewives trading their career and looking after the kids for being paid for by the man – but then you think – if your lover imposes conditions like that, maybe they don’t really love you that deeply after all.
- or, are you actually “oriented” that way? e.g. for those whoa re gay or bi, you can’t change that orientation – is being monogamous or shall we say “non-monogamous” an orientation in the same way? (and therefore we should not be criticizing each other for saying that we are one or the other!!)
- Apart from those 2 reasons above, of orientation or self-interest to maintain the relationship (presumably where you feel you have few other trump cards to keep them there), I am having trouble thinking of why it is an advantage to “you” to be monogamous.
I’m just curious as to what the answers to these questions are as I have trouble figuring it all out in my head! Especially after reading all this. Hope this doesn’t sound confrontational, I really believe people should be left to have the relationships they want to, gay bi or straight, monogamous or otherwise – I just would like to hear people’s real answers.
Gala you come up with some great stuff!!
xxdidi
I understand the general idea behind this article…that we shouldn’t feel confined in our relationships with people and that we should be able to show everyone special in our lives how much they mean to us.
Though I think we all come across this realisation in different ways. Lux has it right in saying that monogamy isn’t the trap – its our egos and fears.
Trying to sell another person your own model on relationships, while it can give them some new ideas, you can’t expect everyone to agree with you.
Once we become truly happy with ourselves we can make any relationship work in the way WE choose – because once your get over those fears, your relationships with others become much more fulfilled and equal.
Whether you choose to label your interactions is your choice.
The author of the article found his freedom in so called non-manogamy – yet in the last few paragraphs he mentioned he has had one sexually exclusive relationship since then. How is this NOT manogamy? I think he has issues with the word more than anything else. Just because maybe he has had a couple of bad relationships before doesn’t mean you write off the whole idea. IMHO you look at yourself first over ‘society’. Society does not confine you unless you allow it to.
I was open before I met my current boyfriend… I miss it. But the missing link in ‘open relationships’ has always been how to have a successful and balanced family life? I feel like the family unit evolved into being what it is for a reason… I think if sex were only for pleasure, and children weren’t in the equation, this would be a fine way to go. I lived it for a short while and I was indeed very happy! But I feel a moral responsibility to raise socially conscious, loving, happy children in a 2 parent household. Most of us who have either raised children on their own or grew up in a single parent household, know that the situation is not ideal. I am open to ideas on how to raise children in an ‘open’ family situation, but on this matter I’m inclined to trust that the evolutionary process has yielded (mostly) desirable results.
hmmmm, i was in an open relationship that killed me inside, it wasn’t used in a loving way more a way to get back at me at times and an air of jealously was bred. Needless to say it ended badly, i got sick of him using other girls to hurt me as well as try to make me jealous
I think to enter such a relationship you need to have the right person who wont turn into that kind of jealousy monster.
but that all depends on the society you were brought up in and the culture you experience.
I read this after breaking up with my boyfriend (15 hours ago).
The issue was that, for the past year we’ve been together, I’ve been out of the country for 8 of those months, and will be gone for another 16 months.
He let me go and see the world, and waited patiently. But he was really sad, and lonely, and I felt that I was forcing him to limit myself by the choice I had made, and by my future choices (I have dreams to continue to travel, to go places and see the world). He would follow me, he said, because he’d have to. If I would go, he would follow, because that’s the way it was.
This is not the reason I broke up with him, but it was a contributing factor for me to decide that this long-distance relationship was not good for me.
I wish I had heard him say, instead of “I have to follow you”, “I want to follow you. I want to go to these amazing places too. In fact, here is a list of things I want to see in the world, let’s go there too!”
The ideas in this article, on opening up the model for relationships (in whatever facet is right for you) are very good.
How is it done, however?
How do you become unlimited? How do you change your thinking, exactly? How should I tone down my flight without limiting myself, in order to cease my partner’s self-limitation, which limits me?
I guess I want to know how this applies when two people discover fundamental incompatibility.
Esz – you can be a non-monogamous person (or 2 non-monogamous people) in fact in a sexually exclusive relationship because of lack of finding other interesting people LOL! doesn’t perhaps mean he (and she) aren’t looking – just that they aren’t finding.
Lol I know didi :-)
yet he says this:
“I do what I do not out of a commitment to monogamy, but rather a commitment to meeting my own needs and those of others, with no f*cking regard for social norms”
So he’s still making a commitment to one person (because that seems to be his current need) and the only real problem he seems to have is with the ‘idea’ of manogamy. Not with the actual practice of it. Though he wouldn’t like it put that way I think.
Esz – lol ! anarchist theoreticians – all concept no “action” sadly ;)
This was so interesting and eye-opening. Thanks for sharing Gala. I really liked the following quote.
“I’ve stopped classifying things as “love” or “friendship” according to arbitrary superficial details—the feelings I share with certain friends are so intimate, so beautiful, that it’s ridiculous that I don’t call them lovers just because we don’t sleep together”.
I’ve had friendships that are much more intsense on all levels except sexual compared to male lovers that i do think it’s absurd to make a distinction.
I also disagreed with a lot of things but there was a lot to ponder over. :)
Yes very true didi :-))))
I’ve seen too many poly relationships fall to the ground through mistrust…
I’ve seen amazing monogamous relationships that work through fair play, trust and commitment.
I’ve seen the other side of both of these…
I think that if your relationship is based on trust and love (regardless of whether you’re poly or mono) it’s going to work, and if there’s ever any fear in your heart, that’s when the relationship stumbles.
Gala, thanks so much for posting this article.
I am currently in a poly relationship and it’s taught me a lot. This article does an excellent job of not focusing on the multiple partners aspect and instead changing all of our personal relationships to be more open and caring in every way.
FYI, I’m going to send this article (and your blog in general) to Minx, the host of the podcast, PolyWeekly.
xo
I do understand that you can take this on the freedom within a monogamous relationship basis still this is just an opinion and it’s directed mainly to the essay’s author.
Do you ever feel like there’s nothing more you can learn from or share with your parents, other relatives or friends? I bet you don’t. One person has an infinity of traits and little peculiarities. If you get bored with someone you’re in a relationship with, I guess you don’t value he or she enough and/or, like that movie title, you’re not that into that person.
There are about 6.77 billion people (I googled it :P) on this planet, why would you think that there’s no match for you and no one can meet your needs? Why would you choose to be intimate with several people? How can the gift of your intimacy be special if just about anyone can have it? Every single one of us special but very few are to each one of us.
I believe people jump head first into relationships and end up feeling unsatisfied with someone who just wasn’t right for them or, sometimes, they don’t work hard enough on the relationship they’re already living. If you’re happy with someone you don’t feel the need to have more but if you do and end up sharing your intimacy with someone else, you usually find out that it wasn’t what you were looking for and something else is wrong.
These days where everything happens so fast people get bored easily and there isn’t much effort put on anything. Everything seems disposable, even people.
We are animals, we have instincts, we have urges (lol) but lets not forget that we are also rational beings and it’s not against nature if we do a little thinking before acting on those urges.
Also you don’t have to compromise who you are for the sake of someone else and the relationship you have with that person. You are meant to be loved for who you are. But then again how would you evolve as an individual if there weren’t any challenges in your life brought to you by the very people you love? I guess some change in your attitudes can be good.
I’ve been following your blog for a year or so and I usually agree with you but I have to disagree on this one, Gala ;)
P.S.: Sorry about the long comment!!
Another thought: Could it be that the entire problem is in the definition of these things?? Must we rely on traditional definitions of monogamy, polyamory, and relationships instead of the joy each relationship brings us??
Thing I don’t get – how do people in poly relationships find the time to create and maintain such intimate relationships with multiple people? Do they devote their lives to it like it’s a second job? Like people are a hobby?
That sounds like I’m trivialising it but I don’t mean to do that. I appreciate so many of the ideas behind polyamory, but I don’t have time to find and fall in romantic love with one person, let alone more! Polyamory sounds like a kind of luxury, for those who can afford the time and energy. I wonder if one of the reasons monogamy, or at least the idea of it, is so popular is simply because most people are too busy to be poly…!
Okay, I absolutely think that the tone of the article was…unfortunate. To say the least. And that the author was not necessarily the most skilled of wordsmiths. As it were. However…
I also absolutely agree with most of the concept behind it. Personally, I am just not built for monogamy. This is not because being with one person means that the one person and I are in a crappy relationship, or because I want to hop into bed with every person I see who is in possession of a pulse, or any of that. I am not against committed relationships — in fact, this is the crux of the issue for me. I am absolutely committed to everyone I am involved with; I throw all of myself into every relationship (of any sort — romantic or sexual or platonic or otherwise) I have. I do not hold back, and I do not wish to have to. I don’t want artificial boundaries in place for any of my relationships/interactions with people due to my relationship/interactions with one person. I have an infinite capacity to love, infinite amounts of love flowing through me (and lust, also, yes, though discussing things in terms of pure pleasure tends to be off-putting for many people) — for me, it isn’t a question of “I love you…BUT I love these other people, also” (the implication there being that You are somehow being “shorted” your due, or something — but a matter of “I love you…AND I love these other people, too.” And yes, that love (or lust, or whatever other feelings arise) might differ in duration and intensity and quality (and here I mean “type” and not “value”) but it all springs from the same source; it is all valid and valuable and beautiful. Things needn’t be exactly the same to be valuable and important. At least, I don’t think they do.
For me, love (and lust and friendship and any other words you can think of) is not — and need not be — attached with invisible silver threads to the concepts of possession or ownership. For people who want that, or need that, in their lives — more power to them. I wish them nothing but peace and happiness and beauty. But I suspect, truly, that if everyone allowed themselves the space to really think long and hard about this, many of them would find that maybe what they thought they wanted was more about what they thought they were supposed to do and want, and not necessarily what they would want if they realized there were other options available. Different options, to be sure — but valid, and valuable, and potentially infinitely beautiful and nourishing.
Just wow, he’s an excellent writer.
Thanks for reposting.
I intrinsically feel that because sexual intimacy is divine enough to bring children to the world, it should be reserved for a committed relationship. Additionally, while I recognize that many people and relations make up our experience, I’m much to selfish to share my guy in THAT WAY with others. Nor would I want to dilute my feelings for him by being intimate with others. Peace!
Hmmmmm….the author, as do all the commenters so far, makes some really valid points. Although I’ve never tried polyamory myself, I have nothing against those who practice it if it is truly working for them.
I think the key to ALL relationships is simply honesty, as Ashe Mischief pointed out. If you are happy, and nobody is being hurt, then no harm done.
Teresa makes a good point re: our natural animal instincts and urges versus our rational/logical selves. There does indeed need to be a balance there. Just because we may desire something, doesn’t always mean that we will get it- for example, I’d really like to have that pair of shoes in the window, but that doesn’t justify me going in and just taking them!
But of course, it comes back to whether or not that would hurt anybody or not- and in this case, it would, as I don’t know of any shop owners who appreciate shoplifters!
I think that it would probably be tricky to introduce “open” love into an already long-standing monogomous relationship, as both partners would have to agree entirely with one another, and overcome a LOT of insecurities to avoid complications. I’m not sure that I,(currently with a monogomous partner and a child), could actually do this…...the whole issue brings up a whole lot of questions regarding my own personal sense of self esteem, security, and morality.It’s all pretty confusing. I feel that an individual would have to be highly self confident, self assured, and completely non-posessive for this to work properly, and I doubt that the majority of human beings can honestly and completely claim to be ALL of these things. I’m not sure that I personally could deal with it at this stage in my life!
However I remain open minded on the subject. It certainly is food for thought, and raises some interesting arguments on both sides.
All types of thoughts are bombarding me regarding this subject now, and I could easily write a lot more, but short of writing a thesis here, I think I’ll sign off now, and continue debating in my head!
I devoured the whole article and most of the comments here. This is very potent food for thought.
I think a lot of people are misreading the tone of the article because they are clearly a ‘punk rocker’ and being antagonistic and anarchic in their attitude is part of their thang, I guess. I didn’t take offence to it at all- I just think it is their way of railing against the distorted expectations surrounding dating and relationships that our society has been bogged down in for some time.
I really dig the overall message of what they are saying- that it should be fair & fine to apply the principles of love to all of our friendships, and the principles of friendship to our relationships. I find this healthy and any teething pains that we might associate with it- the jealousy, the defensiveness of monogamy- are to be expected.
I’ve recently found myself in a ‘friends with benefits’ style relationship, and we have soundly agreed to always put our friendship first, and to keep communication open. I don’t feel we are being casual about it or disrespecting eachother- it’s just nice to not have a stigma surrounding it, the guessing games, and all that other stressful stuff and we can just enjoy eachother for who we are, and not have a series of heavy expectations weighing in on it all.
Although I agree with lots of things in the article (honesty, jealousy, openness) there were two main points that bothered me:
+ I am in a monogamous relationship, yet I treat all of my friends like I feel I should regardless of what others may think. I love them to death and I tell them so and act accordingly, I’m always there for them no matter what, I do little things that might be typically considered something you’d only do for your couple, and I get close to them physically (which is not to say sexually). From the outside it may sometimes look like I’m “in love with them” because I am, otherwise we wouldn’t be friends, I am in love with them just not in a romantic way. So I don’t really understand how being in a monogamous relationship can limit me in that way. I’ve always been like this, I’ve always been aware of the really deep feelings I have for my friends and that isn’t going to change just because I happen to be in love romantically and getting sexually involved with someone who at the same time happens to be my closest and best friend.
+ I agree that one person can fulfill all of your needs, but as someone else said: that’s why we have friends, and family, and shrinks, and counselors, and doctors, and whatever. However at some point, the article went on and on about how satisfying your partner’s needs is a job and I think that if your in a truly healthy relationship with someone your compatible with, satisfying his/her needs is not a “job” is something that you do naturally.
Overall I just thought it was kind of ridiculous to imply that being in a monogamous relationship could eventually lead to isolation and feeling trapped. The article has some very good points but I don’t think is fair to open relationships since it kind of reads like an anti-monogamous article.
i dont think the problem in our society is with monogamous RELATIONSHIPS but the people who get themselves into relationships full stop.
it is ridiculous to expect one person to be your soulmate, to complete you, to make you happy in EVERY single way. you need to make yourself happy first, and think of love and relationships as an added benefit to life – the companionship and happiness of another person.
people today expect their lives to be 100% perfect, as well as their partners. its unrealistic. you need to be happy with you and your life first. your partner shouldn’t have to complete you in ANY way, you should just love them as a person you like to be with.
polygamy just seems like a bad solution. “oh, my girlfriend doesnt complete me, i better get another one to fulfil all those other needs.” no! you should fulfil them yourself! monogamy is not part of human nature, but neither is polygamy! romantic relationships do not exist in the animal kingdom – we are lucky that we get to have them. but thats all they are, relationships, not the meaning or purpose of your life. you don’t need 3, you need to fix yourself.
i dont have anything against sexual open-relationships- swinging or casual sex is okay. yes, that is a basic need that humans have that will never change, and if you need sex from other sources, its okay if you can work it out with your partner. but needing love from other sources just means that you’re missing something from yourself that can’t be fixed by another person.
The only thing infinite I find about this article is its intricate webs of idiocy. I agree wholeheartedly with comment #5.
In fact, this left my stomach hurting a little.
Emotions resulting from being a part of society are just as valid as any other emotion. All emotions come from somewhere, and the society or societies we are exposed to have a significant effect of our psychology or “who we are”. This is not, intrinsically, a bad thing. Many aspects of society have the power to enrich our lives and, at the very least, a certain level of conformity to society’s rules or expectations is in one’s best interests. Independent thinking is a beautiful and special thing but when it comes down to it, the opinions of others DO affect us. If fitting in with society does not conflict with a person’s own preferences… good for them.
Didi’s question about monogamy’s benefits to the individual really made me think. I do believe that monogamy adds lot of security in a person’s life both emotionally and logistically, as well as conforming to most peoples’ ideals. And because non monogamous relationships are generally frowned upon by general society (plus- society is structured to facilitate monogamy) it does make life hard for those who find monogamy unsatisfying.
Heh, the writer sounds a little cranky, but he’s punk, an anarchist.. it’s kinda what they do ;)
What I liked most about this article is the outlined concept of not defining love with boyfriend/girlfriend/lover/friend terminology.. that relationships are about love, about the people.. & they shouldn’t need to fit into boxes. Whom a person shares their bed with is coincidental to the relationship(s) itself/themselves.
My fear(s) of ‘who’ll look after me when I’m sick/old/whatever’ isn’t something that I feel to be up to anyone else to deal with but me; that is my own emotional issue to deal with. But love (pure basic love, that is, not talking sex or anything else) freely, openly, honestly & you recieve it back from people & the universe, multiplied! I feel it’s true, I experience this. From the sounds of it, you do too Gala..?
I like that the author doesn’t tread on eggshells for fear of ‘chasing people away’. Thanks for (re-)posting this, I definitely enjoyed reading it.
This was a great and well written article and your comments are interesting as well.
I think many have misinterpreted the meaning of this article and I don’t think you should see it as an offensive act against monogamous people but instead (as a lot of you have done) as a new way of looking at love, romance and relationships between people.
I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for over four years and we are really happy together. The last two years we’ve been talking about open relationships and recently we decided to give it a go. This doesn’t mean that we are going to start sleeping around like crazy, cause that’s not the kind of persons we are. We still put each other first but we just feel that we don’t want to limit each other.
The reason it has taken so long for us to come to this point is because of feelings. We’ve both had an open approach to relationships in theory but I especially have had a lot of problems with jealousy (not only in my relationship to my boyfriend) and that is something I needed to resolve before starting experimenting with a great relationship.
The important part of every strong relationship is honesty, no matter if it’s a relationship to your lover, parents, friends, siblings and so on. I believe it’s unusual for people to have an open communication with others and to be honest with oneself and with others.
We need to start speaking to one and other and we need to start understanding our feelings so that we can work better together with people around us, no matter which way we choose to live our lives.
Thanks for some interesting opinions ;)
maybe i’m a weenie, but i can’t bring myself to like non monogamous relationships for myself. I have tried it, and it only brought my partner and i emotional hardship. If it’s your thing, that’s great, but to claim that one is better than the other is wrong.
that being said, interesting argument.
Both the article and the comments provide such wonderful insight to different points of view, I read through twice and took notes!
Thanks for introducing this Gala, and giving us all the chance to speak our minds. While I don’t feel that polyamory is a route for me I do have friends who swear by it, and I adore the idea that love is not a limited commodity and should be shared at every given opportunity.
This is a really interesting subject! I dont think theres just one ‘solution’ to relationships. I think its mostly a compatibility issue; your partner has to want what you want and have a simular love-style.
The relationship Im in does not feel confining to me at all but I certainly dont consider myself non-monogamous. Me and my boyfriend both have a lot of unique needs that may lead us to seeking out very close romantic friendships. I don’t rely just on my boyfriend for love and intimacy, I dish it out to friends and family and strangers! We are both free spirits who are completely different people when under the confinment of possessive relationships. It seems rediculous to me to say that my relationship with him ISNT above relationships I have with other people, he is my lover and very best friend and theres no one else Im closer too, but that doesnt mean I restrict myself in other relationships. We just act naturally and persue happiness where ever we find it.
However, we agree not to sleep with other people so as not to deal with the risk of casual sex. But if something happened, it wouldnt be the end of the world; things happen. I would be much more tolerant if it was a personal friend and nothing was kept hidden from me. Mostly we communicate our desires for other people and even check people out together. Talking about it satisfies that desire for variety enough and, lets face it, I’m a perverted bisexual gemini woman and talking about sex and attraction makes me happy! I never really find myself getting jealous, in fact it makes me feel really secure because were honest.
On the other hand, if I felt like someone else was the center of my boyfriends heart, or someone else with mine, I would know to end the relationship. I would HATE to string along a person who wanted much more of a relationship then what they were getting (or to be that person). That, to me, is what I consider cheating. I think that two people in any relationship, casual sex serious relationship or friendship, they should have the same expectations for the other person or else theres too many hurt feelings.
Im glad you posted this article! I think its a great alternative for some people, but obviously other people would feel horrible in that kind of relationship! My philosophy is persue whatever makes you happy. :)
Jeepers. It’s all too much for me. I haven’t been in a relationship since my boyfriend broke up with me in London a year ago. I feel as though it’s affected me too deeply to want another steady relationship with one person … but I don’t know how I would cope with the thought of my person being other peoples person as well. Hmm.
“Monogamy isn’t the trap; our egos and our selfishness and our fear are the trap. You have to deal with those things before you can love anyone, whether it’s one person or many people.”
I agree with you 100%, Lux!
I think this is really interesting—especially as someone who has been in a 15 year relationship—met when I was 15, he was 17, and now we are 29 and 31.
I think that it is very true for me at least, that one person cannot be your everything. That being said, I am also very picky about who else I have close relationships with—having gone years without interest in anyone else on a deeper level, whether that’s sexually or otherwise. I think that when I was younger that I also experienced a deeper level of friendship and intimacy with other girls that people shy away from now, and that makes me sad.
I sort of forgot the importance of this, and in the process became VERY jealous when my boyfriend found other people he felt a deeper connection with. It was heartbreaking and very hard for me to reconcile my jealousy with the fact that deep down I do believe in connections to more than one person and openness really are important, and not detrimental to a life long friendship and partnership with someone.
I think we are so conditioned to what a relationship, a marriage, sex and trust should be, that it becomes hard to live in a way different from the world around you. The fact that my boyfriend and I have been “together” 15 years and aren’t married is really hard for people to understand, and there’s peer pressure regarding this. I am just not sure that the path my friends are taking is the path for me.
I really believe also that even if a person isn’t someone you choose to have in your life forever, that you can learn and grow from your connection with them, regardless of whether it’s sexual, emotional, or intellectual—or some combination.
I enjoyed this article Gala, and I am glad that you think it’s important too, to acknowledge that there are lots of different kinds of relationships in the world and there aren’t names for all of them—and that’s OK.
Thanks Gala, this got me thinking again, and will maybe even make me find time to read The Ethical Slut.
P.S Hope the States are treating you well!
I agree with some of the other comments that this article would have been better without the author’s abrasive tone. My opinion is that some people are monogamous, while others are polyamorous, kind of like how people have different sexual orientations – and condemning either one is not right.
So I don’t like at all how the author seemed to be condemning monogamy as a restrictive societal construct. The things he described as downsides of monogamy – boredom, the “trapped” feeling, the wandering eye, etc. – aren’t intrinsic elements of monogamy; they are actually just symptoms that a particular relationship may not be working. If you feel trapped with someone, it probably isn’t because monogamy just inevitably makes one feel trapped – it’s more likely because being with that person does not feel right for you, or because your relationship lacks the qualities that make a relationship succeed, like communication, honesty, and trust.
For me personally, I know I am monogamous. I love the man I am with so completely and fully, that I never feel unsatisfied or trapped with him. I can’t even imagine desiring anyone else because I am so deeply in love with my boyfriend and so happy in this relationship. And it is true that you are always finding out new things about a person and getting to know him or her on a deeper level, even when you have been together for a while.
So I know that for me, I love monogamy. I love being committed to one person. I also respect that others do not share the same preference; I just wish that the author of this article had more respect for those whose preferences and choices are different from his own.
in my experience, i think you can share love quite freely with others and not have an intimate physical relationship be part of that equation. if you don’t share love completely openly with higher intentions than just physical, that’s when the problems start. interesting article. thought i wish the author was a little more compassionate of those who consciously chose monogamy, and that it’s more than just a ‘societal norm’; it’s simply a natural progression for most folks.
like everyone else has said here, to each his own.
emily – i agree with you, to each his/her own. i would say “many” not “most” folks if you look around the world … perhaps “most Western folks”. let’s not be culture-centric here. i agree there are likely to be problems with nonmonogamy, same as there are inevitably problems with monogamy. where i would very respectfully disagree with you emily, seeing as you have stated it so strongly, is saying “higher intentions than just physical” – to some of us the physical is pretty important. (to some people it is even quite spiritual -such as tantric practitioners etc, i am sure there are other examples you can think of) – so please don’t just dismiss “physical” as being somehow “lower” than non-physical interaction. (sends virtual hug)
this is where i would want to disagree with the author too, if i have understood him he seems to be implying that his friendships are stronger than his relationships with his lovers, which is something i find hard to understand – if so, perhaps he should find a stronger love relationship(s)? just my thoughts, he clearly has it all much more worked out and through through than i do, lol!
such interesting comments everyone, food for thought!!
xx
I think this person’s description of the relationship paradigm, in one of the earlier paragraphs, is amazing. I disagree about this person’s denile of the fact that love is, in a way, a scarcity commodity. Not everything is an analogy of the capitalist system and the capitalist system doesn’t control us to such a degree. I think there is a deficit of love, and this person’s new design for relationships kinda reflects that. His (hers?) is a version of love, subjective, and fine for some, not all.
this article is fantastic. and the comments are great, too! although i do agree with the slight cantankerousness of it, like gala mentioned. but i love the idea of infinite love… some of the quotes are amazing and i want to put them up in places. i lovelovelove this:
“I’ve decided that I no longer want to have a hierarchy of value between my friendships and my love relationships: they’re both crucial, irreplaceable in my life, and f*ck anyone who wants me to choose between any of them. Not only that, but I’ve stopped classifying things as “love” or “friendship” according to arbitrary superficial details—the feelings I share with certain friends are so intimate, so beautiful, that it’s ridiculous that I don’t call them lovers just because we don’t sleep together. It’s f*cking absurd that sex should be the dividing line between our relationships, between which ones take precedence, between who we play with, live with, sleep with, who we take care of first, who we die with at last.”
it’s also made me feel better about my relationships that involve sex. really, i just see it as another way to display a deep love and affection for someone; not something that should be limited to one person (even though i am not in a “relationship” – in the regular sense that the author talks about.)
I think that open relationships are nice in theory, if you can do it “right”, but they’re not for me. I don’t want to limit my future husband. That’s why I will marry someone who doesn’t believe a monogamous relationship is limiting.
“Women check men out for financial means”
I take offense to that. Money is the last thing I consider when I am thinking of entering into a relationship with someone.
Oh, man. I know I’m a little late commenting on this, but seriously, that article sums up to a T, the type of relationships I wish I had. I only say wish because I’ve never been in any type of relationship, aside from platonic friendship. Unfortunately, even to people I’ve explained this ideal to, no one seems to be diggin’ it, haha.
gala this is a very interesting essay that you have come across…one that is so open and honest it probably makes some people quite nervous. Whilst I’m open to the ideas presented… At the end of the day isn’t it really about what makes you feel happy, glowing, loved.. And spectacular. Can an open relationship really give you the same feeling that a monogamous relationship does? Are love and relationships really about what society makes us believe it is? Hallmark cards, chocolates, roses and jealousy? Or are people simply just happy participating in a monogamous relationship?
I know it makes me feel fabulous…
Much love xx
Didi – i should have caveated that whole first part with “in My Personal experience”. for me personally, the only time love relationships go well, is when i take into account the higher spiritual ramifications of my actions, meaning “does this physical thing i’m doing resonate with my whole being?”. but again, that’s just me..;-)
great comments all! ;-)
Thanks for posting this, Gala. This is a topic that I have dealing with in my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and throughout that time we’ve “experimented” with having an open relationship. “Experimented” meaning I had my little flings and my boyfriend knew about everything I did.
I’m the type of person who feels confined in a relationship. I love my boyfriend and I can totally see myself being with him for the rest of my life. I just have these moments when I’m sexually attracted to someone else. When that other person is all attracted to me, things get difficult. I get resentful and my boyfriend and I get mad at myself for feeling that way. It’s been probably a year since I’ve done anything with someone else and I’ve been content with the relationship I’m in. Lately my thoughts have been all over the place and I see myself getting back in that frame of mind as I was in when I wanted an open relationship.
My boyfriend wasn’t too much for the open relationship. Not because he didn’t approve of what I was doing but because he didn’t have anyone else to be open with. My boyfriend is very shy and doesn’t know how to approach women. I was the more dominate one in the relationship. There is a girl he’s known longer than me that he always had a crush on but she lives in Utah, who happens to have experience in Polyamorous relationships. He would like to explore at least a physical relationship with her that I don’t particularly mind. She does live across the country from us though so nothing is really going to happen there.
Let me stop my rambling. I don’t know what to do about my feelings. My boyfriend probably wouldn’t want me to do anything with another person. It’s such a hard situation to be in because society does expect you to be with one person and that person only and if you deviate from that then everyone starts to freak out.
I feel like if a couple is comfortable, happy, and honest, then there is nothing wrong with being in an open relationship.
This article made me tear up a bit- I sense a revolution in the way this generation creates their personal relationships, and I couldn’t be more stoked. What this man has described is my ideals concerning love and friendship, and I’ve been living a nonmonogamous lifestyle for the past 3 years- I can’t imagine ever choosing monogamy over this.
A great article, but I can’t agree. I’ve always thought that being with someone for a long time and you’re still waking up thinking “I’m the luckiest person alive to be here” is true love. I have that and I know how lucky I am and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I neither feel like I’m ‘missing out on experiences’ nor do I feel trapped because I love the person I’m with. Trapped sounds like commitment issue to me, and cool if it works for other people, it just doesn’t do it for me. There’s an element of trust that just isn’t there in an open relationship because you are sharing yourself with other people. I feel the writer needs acceptance from lots of people because one person loving them isn’t enough? It sounds a little harsh but it’s the impression I got.
Very interesting to hear another perspective, but I’m not convinced
As someone who has always been a “serial monogamist” with a flirtatious nature, this is an issue that I think about a lot. In past relationships, I would develop severe crushes on other men and fantasize about being with others a lot, but I wasn’t a cheater. Still, the amount of time I spent fantasizing seemed disloyal. Turned out these were bad relationships that I shouldn’t have been in anyways.
Now I’m in the happiest relationship of my life and we have even discussed and acknowledged our desire to experience other people, but have not acted on it. He is such an open, trustworthy, generous person that I couldn’t conceive of cheating on him. So it’s not about that. I also don’t know if we could really see other people and feel right about it.
It’s a quandary because, guess what? Just like in my bad monogamous relationships, I still get severe crushes and fantasize about other men all the time. Are you going to tell me I’m unhappy with my boyfriend? I’m not.
I just don’t know if, like Gala, polyamory is right for me. I wish there was some happy compromise…maybe there is and we haven’t found it yet.
Man, who else is having a harder time with this now that spring fever has struck? :)
It seems to me that there’s an inherent problem with in the whold monogamy/polygamy debate that has to do with the fundamentally limited capacity of the English language to describe different concepts of love.
Think of it, we have one word – Love – with which to try and describe a huge gamut of very different emotions. You can use the word love to describe anything from your feelings towards your mother, to how much you like toast. The trickiest part is when it is used in conjunction with sex and the emotional intimacy it generates.
Is it any wonder that when you start talking about how much you “love” your female friends, your girlfriend gets jealous? She’s confused, do you mean that you enjoy their company as a friend, or that you’re sexually attracted to them, or something else besides?
I certainly believe that it’s important to fulfill your emotional needs from several different sources. Trying to get everything from your partner can be draining and create that sense of being trapped and smothered that so many proponenets of polygamy seem to believe is an inherant symptom of monogamy. It is that, more often than anything else that causes people to try and escape relationships, through cheating ( to exert some feeling of freedom) or by leaving altogether.
For me, the definition of a “lover” is someone I am having sex with on a regular basis, whether emotionally involved or not. I certainly think that having more than one lover can cause problems both because of the emotional ties created by sexual intimacy and the risk of diseases. (I’ve often wondered how polygamists resolve those problems…any answers?)
But having strong emotional ties to more than one person, investing your passion and love in more than one source? I whole-heartedly agree with that.
One’s lover most often becomes one’s partner ( partner also indicating a sexual relationship ) through friendship or not, but doesn’t have to.
Personally I would find it exhausting to have more than one partner, but then, I’m a person whose social needs are very easily filled. Perhaps polygamy works for people who need to be with someone at all times. This would surely be a task for more than one person.
I agree with the punk rocker anarchist writer.
I think people are misunderstanding the ‘new’ definitions of ‘monogamy’ and ‘polyamory’.
We already love many people. (Poly – many. Amory – love.) Family, friends, lovers. We define these groups in different ways, and often rate our love for these groups differently.
Usually we treat our families like shit because we know we can – they’ll still be there for us. (Okay, that’s a generalisation, but remember some of the things you might have shouted at your mother at fifteen – would you say them to a stranger in the supermarket?)
Our friends we attempt to support and encourage, we buy them little gifts because we love them, don’t hesitate to become room mates with people we’ve only known for a couple of months, agree to go on holiday with them without thinking ‘but what if we break up and it gets really awkward?’
Our boyfriends/girlfriends, we support, encourage, buy little gifts for, live with, go on holiday with…and probably have more rows with than even family. We do put constraints on people where ‘labels’ become involved. A ‘boyfriend’ is someone who should want to spend time with their girlfriend. They have made that decision to be a boyfriend, and bam, here’s the list of how a boyfriend should act. They should want to see you, and talk to you. They should call you when they say they will, NO MATTER WHAT.
When your friend, best or otherwise, doesn’t call you even though they’ve said they will, do you automatically think they have let you down? No. You assume something came up and they’ll tell you about it tomorrow – or whenever.
I believe our society really does have all these expectations of how a ‘real’ relationship should be.
A ‘polyamorous’ relationship in this case does not mean sleeping around, or finding physical gratification in others’ arms. It means loving everyone close to you without feeling guilty, and letting your lover love other people without feeling jealous.
I have a very close friend who is male. We talk late into the night about deep and meaningful topics in a way I don’t with my boyfriend. I’ve discussed this with my close female friends – should I break up with my boyfriend, should I see if a relationship would work with my male friend – and came up with no. I adore my boyfriend for who he is, and I adore my male friend for who he is. I love them both in different ways for the different people they are.
My boyfriend has girls he talks to about things he doesn’t talk to with me. I know nothing about drumming, he never did a degree in English Literature. However, there’s no-one in the world I’d rather curl up with and talk to about the declining state of the world and how the Socialist revolution is coming.
The different people in our lives provide us with different kinds of support, encouragement and love, just as we provide different people with different kinds of support, encouragement and love.
This is not supposed to be a stressful matter, or a life with increased drama. It’s supposed to cause less stress and drama!It’s loving the people who are already in our lives without feeling guilty for paying more or less attention to any particular person or group. I don’t believe the writer means that as soon as you slap the label of ‘open’ on your relationship, that you should go out and find several new people with whom to ‘connect’ in order to fulfil the social idea of what an open relationship is.
That’s the point the writer is making. We should feel comfortable loving who we want, how we want. We should feel comfortable doing what we want, when we want. And feel comfortable with our lovers and the people around us doing the same.There are people out there who haven’t travelled because they would miss their partner too much. There are people out there who get jealous of their partner’s best friends (male or female). Were this ‘anarchist’ idea of love implemented, jealousy, stress and drama would go waaay down as people came to understand more that we need and recieve and give different things to different people. It’s not all about sex! It is each to their own and the demolition of labels.
Have the relationship you want to have with the person (people!) whom you feel most comfortable with, happy with, and loved by, and whom you can love the way you want to.
I honestly feel most people missed the point with this article, or maybe I just read into what I wanted and should be chastised for daring to have an emotional relationship with a man who I’m not sleeping with.
Amelia. You fucking rule.
I’m with Rose. To say that there are no limits in polyamory is really about seeing the world with rose-colored glasses. Let’s face it, there are limits on time and energy and people’s patience.
As for being real and honest, I’ve got a close circle of friends for that. Why would I want my relationship with my lover to be any different?
That being said, I do believe some people more inclined toward polyamory than others. But you gotta cut down on the self-righteous crap.
The problems with polyamory aren’t any worse or better than those with monogamy—they’re just different.
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