Is Your Lover Good For You?
[ 18 September 2007 ]
A friend of mine recently went to Burning Man, & when she returned home to the internet, she said she had broken up with her boyfriend, was really upset & needed some support. I emailed her about it & asked for her phone number, & if she wanted to talk.
I called her as soon as I had her number & we talked about the situation. She explained what had happened.
She went to Burning Man pretty much by herself, leaving her boyfriend at home. She says he is a reclusive, stay-at-home type. He gets very anxious about things like supermarkets, & there was no way he was going to go to a festival in the desert, so she went alone. While she was there she met some incredible people — including people running some of the biggest online companies — & was amazed at the energy they all had. She felt like she had wasted the last few years of her life with her boyfriend; she felt like she had been locked in a room with stale air. Being among people with motivation & drive & ambition & positive energy really lit her fire; she realised she could do anything! The only limits we have are those we impose upon ourselves!
This is an idea I’ve been thinking about a lot recently. If you think about yourself as an individual — even as an individual with grand plans & lots of enthusiasm — it can be hard to get things done, & to achieve what we want to. When we’re surrounded by positive, uplifting people who encourage us, it makes life so much easier. When we have a bad day (or week), we have friends & supporters to bolster us, to convince us to keep going, to give us strength. But when the person we are intimately involved with is a negative influence, it only makes life harder. Just going about your daily life can become a chore, a hard slog. Their attitude rubs off on us, whether we mean it to or not.
Of course, deciding to untangle ourselves from someone we love, but who we know is ultimately not good for us, is a very hard choice to make. I have done it myself, & it is heart-wrenching. But, eventually, we have to realise our own worth. We have to put ourselves first. It is only by doing this that we can foster real love & respect & acceptance of ourselves.
My friend said, “I can see myself growing old with him, but I can’t see myself being young with him. I’m going to do my best to be young for a while.” I think this is a brilliant & insightful comment, & I couldn’t be happier for her — even though I know she might have a few stumbling blocks before she is really up & going for it. I feel she has made the right decision, & she has my utmost support & love. Bravo, ma’am!
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala 
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i have done the same thing with my ex bf of three years… ultimately its the choice between your happiness and theirs..we live once ..so might as well stop wasting time and enjoy ourselves.
i’m right there, too, moving out of my place with my boyfriend of three years.
i love what your friend said about being young. thanks for posting this, gala. love love.
2 weeks ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. There were so many great things about him, but there were other big important things that we didn’t see eye to eye on – like marriage, children, God, lifestyles, etc. Our 5 year anniversary would have been September 24, and I realized that I was having to fake enthusiasm about celebrating. If you don’t know after 5 years if someone is right for you, then they’re probably not the one. The last 2 weeks have been tough, but I haven’t felt so free, so in touch with myself, or so happy in a long time. I didn’t even realize just how unhappy I was in the relationship until it ended.
If you’re having doubts in a relationship and feel like it’s run its course, please believe in yourself and have the courage to step away. All of us deserve sublime joy and happiness, and I hope that everyone can challenge themselves to strive for that. :)
Gala, thanks for the great article. *
I spent five years, 19 through 24, with one boyfriend and then another who were terrible for me and my art and my energy and everything. I had a nightmare Sunday morning that I was with my last ex and I was building this beautiful art piece/dress and he kept telling me I couldn’t do it, it was stupid, useless, and i woke up so upset, but I woke up next to my boyfriend who loves and actively supports me and my art instead of feeling threatened by it.
I had to spend a good amount of time on my own first, though, just figuring out that I was good for myself on my own and that I was unwilling to ever again let other people like that into my life. I’m really glad for your friend in taking this necessary, if awfully painful step. I have total faith that she’ll succeed outrageously.
It’s true! I will only find myself in a relationship where someone compliments my character rather than brings me down in any way :) I am pretty good at keeping myself happy and I love it when other people are too.
I can definitely relate to both sides of this. It sounds like her boyfriend has social anxiety which I’ve also been diagnosed with since I was around 11 (I’m 17 now) and I’ve always found it hard to be in a relationship without fearing that my issues would have a bad effect on my partners life and of course it makes me feel even worse about my problem if it does. But I’ve also been in a relationship where I knew that I wouldn’t be able to accomplish all those big dreams I had because of such big differences in what we wanted from life. When it comes down to it, every man for himself (or woman!) no matter what the problem, you have to sacrifice things you love sometimes for your overall well being. Sure it hurts right now, but think of the future outcome and how much better everything will be.
Oh Gala. Your timing scares me. But it’s what I really needed to hear.
SUCH a well-written post. And I second what your friend said about wanting to be young with someone – what a wonderful, insightful way to come through a break-up. Very inspiring. Thank you for sharing :) And my very best to your friend. Break-ups suck. But traumatic relationships suck even more. Every human being has issues – but I don’t think a relationship can or should be a substitute for a therapy session.
I’m so glad I made the right option, just like your friend. My ex boyfriend was a threat for me and he was constantly bringing me down and trying to take me away from my parents and my friends. I found a new meaning for my existence when I broke up with him. I’m so glad to read about other people’s stories who went through the same thing.
You just put into words everything I’ve been trying to explain for the past six months. My friends have been pressuring me to get back together (or just keep in contact) with my exboyfriend, but it was a very “yes, no, maybe so” relationship with no promises on his end and no real glue to hold us together.
I recently moved back to the city where we both now live and I am happy to be with someone else. He’s 15 hours away, but I would rather have him far away then a fake relationship close by.
Your friend’s words are very wise.
leslie!!!thats exactly what happened with me but three years… im glad it was three years not five.. because to the end i kept asking myself.. if i wake up in another 1,2,3,4,5 years and realise i have spent my years on someone in vain i wont be able to get them back( i was with my bf from 19 up till 22) and i never felt more free and liberated after i pulled the plug! there was also someone else whith who i had a long mental connection with to help me stand by my decision and fight insecurities and hardship of my choice… im happies girl right now!!
i am in the same boat as tiffany, i think. even though i hate to admit it, this is probably what i need to hear.
Reading this, I realise that one of my good friends did exactly this. She announced that she was going to a festival by herself back in her hometown and also gallivanted off to Sydney while she was on her jaunt!
When she arrived back in Perth, she broke off her 3-4 year relationship with a stagnant, negative homebody with no ambition and moved back to her hometown half the country away!
Whilst I’m upset that she’s gone and I never really did get to know her properly because of her boyfriend being an argumentative royal pain in the behind, I’m so delighted that she’s gone to be her own person.
Girls, we can have our relationships and our own identities, but it’s a matter of making time for yourself and keeping the lines of communication open between yourself and your partner. My husband is my best friend and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
P
x
thankyou gala! and YAY for you girls/guys that are considering letting a relationship go…. sometimes we feel what’s going on but our hearts choose to ignore it because naturally -like everyone, we want to love & be loved.
I was with someone for 2 years with clinical depression – i thought i loved him but ended up not loving myself. when we broke up i was distressed & naiive, never thought i would love anyone else.
but a couple of years later, i was loving my life & living again, and met an amazing MAN who I am now engaged to! and so happy… he supports me in everything I choose to do and understands me spiritually, mentally & physically.
of course every relationship has it’s difficulties & media ‘romanticises’ what relationships are really like – but when you’ve found someone amazing you just KNOW you would do (almost) anything to keep the relationship going because it makes you happy & it’s worth it!
xx
Once upon a time, I had to spend every single minute with someone. May it be in person, online, through text messaging, I would obsessively cling to people as I felt if I let them go? I’d be half a person or even worse, alone.
It wasn’t until I’d been kicked down, was up and out, until I didn’t need to go to one-day sales at Rugs a Million because I was so walked over you could call me a rug, that I realised that the person I should be clinging to is me.
The beauty of this world was so lost on me, because I was so afraid of losing those around me. I forgot how to breathe, because I was concentrating too hard on helping others take their breaths. I was a walking, talking life-support machine.
I needed time out from being in a relationship, from being so dependant on another human being I was smothering in my own paranoia. No doubt there is a deep-seeded psychological reason for this – and no doubt I’ve handled that with as much finesse as I can muster – but still, it smarts when I think about it and probably will for years to come.
As of this month, I’m two years ex-engaged, have been single for that long, have amazing friends and for the first time in my entire life, am my own best friend.
I’m different. I’m intelligent and graduated. I’m fresh, fo’ realz, ladylike, dirty and true. And those around me love me for it.
I’m shy around gentlemen, and still have self-doubts, but I know for now? I can wait for Mister Whos-its, for the jigsaw puzzle piece that helps me towards finishing the big, exciting work of art that is my life.
A few years ago I broke up a 7 year relationship. The thing that I found most confusing was that I still loved him (and still do, we have remained good friends) so for the longest time I didn’t understand that our relationship had lost the passion and fire we’d experienced in our youth (I was 19 when we first met) But then he graduated uni and went travelling overseas (which I funded in large, as the dutiful full-time working partner in the relationship! Grr!) and it was during this time I found my own identity.
I realised everything I thought I knew about myself had changed. I didn’t need him there to hold my hand… I was strong, I was fun, and spending money on myself for a change was awesome! Hahaha. So when he came back I told him I loved him, but I didn’t looooove him. And he agreed that he felt the same.
6 months later I was lucky enough to meet a fabulous boy – who lived on the other side of the country. But hey, when it’s right it’s right. So now I live in WA and my life is so unlike anything I have ever experienced. Every day I face new challenges, but my boy inspires me and encourages me and loves me for who I am. This is love, this is passion, and this is my new life. I wouldn’t change a thing!
Thank you Gala for being so insightful :)
Kx
You’re all such wonderfully astute girls, I am proud to know you, even if it is only via the internet (for now)! I love hearing your stories about doing the best for yourself & being truly, genuinely happy! It makes me want to throw a big party in your honour!
ooh, ouch. your timing is impeccable!
I know this feeling.
I was in a relationship with the same boy from 15 to 19. I broke up with him because I was suffocating in the relationship and I needed space and I felt as though I’d missed out on a lot of being a teenager.
Now over a year on, I’m dating another (amazing) boy, I’m still friends with my ex, and I’m happy. That said though, I plan on moving to Melbourne when I finish my degree, and my boyfriend has a career as an engineer here. Although I’m sure I’ll still be madly in love with him, I don’t want to sacrifice something that I’ve planned for about 5 years now just for a relationship.
I’ve been with my now husband for almost 13 years (college sweet-hearts!Ick I know!!)
We are total opposites, he likes to stay at home and generally become a hermit, he’s cynical, uber-practical and too sensible for his own good,however, with all that said I love him because of who he is not because of who I am because of him. I’m sure your friend has made the right decision based on advice from her nearest and dearest and I wish her all the happiness she can find. I guess all I wanted to say was that we should find our own ways to live our lives and not rely on others to shape us and drive us. Don’t get me wrong, having support and encouragement from our nearest and dearest helps…a lot…but we shouldn’t be frightened of standing on our own two feet or of doing things on our own.
WORD. Finishing my marriage with a crazy sociopath, depressive-petty-drunk has been one of the most liberating experinces and the best choice I made in my life. And I am LOVING it, and the spring, and planning picnics and buying lots of Alanna Hill dresses to wear to them.
“I love him because of who he is not because of who I am because of him.”
Well said, Seichi. I was thinking the same thing about my lovely homebody of a husband! Sometimes I would like someone around to rev me up and drag me out partying or on random adventures, but I also know I can — and should — make that happen myself if the mood strikes me (which, admittedly, it doesn’t so much when I have such a nice time just hanging out at home).
I’m so glad to have read this article, Gala. Your friend’s words are so wise. A few years ago, I ended a 3 year long-distance relationship with my first boyfriend. Although in the beginning he gave me the strength and encouragement to pursue what I truly wanted to do (to study graphic design though my parents were against it), as the relationship dragged on, I realised he was manipulative, and he became more insecure and verbally abusive.
I wasn’t strong or wise enough to see that he was bad for me though my parents clearly warned me how intense our relationship was (I was 16 at the time, but broke up with him when I was 19). I finally snapped when he yelled at me on the phone, calling me harsh names when I told him how one of my friends tried to make a move on me while he was drunk, although I pushed away his advances. My ex’s explanation later for yelling at me was how jealous he felt picturing this guy holding me when I clearly stated that I did nothing to encourage him.
It took me 3 months to break up with him because I was afraid: whenever I brought up the subject of wanting to call it quits, he’d threaten to kill himself.
After I broke up with him, I realised I was more happier and didn’t cry a lot as I used to. I was very angry with myself and him for a few months after that, but now I know I deserved better than that. I’m currently in a healthy relationship with a wonderful boy, we’ve been together for a little more than a year now and I wouldn’t trade him for anything else in the world. :) I’ve become more stronger and have learnt that I don’t have to give up my individuality just to be with someone.
P.S. I’m really sorry for the uber long comment. :(
Oh wow. Last week I tried to break up with my boyfriend of 2 years. It was way too hard (I live with him)... but I know it needs to happen….
ahh. i talked to my bf tyler about breaking up with him, and he started to cry so i was like im sorry. (you know? it was so hard seeing him cry like that.) and then i really decided that it was better if we werent together. so we talked and he bawled for about 3 hours. and finally he started yellin and idk. that was about a week ago… he wont look at me and now he turned all gothic. i cant talk to him tho.
Always a good topic this one.
What do you do when you love your boy, he loves you, you live together and your happy as clams, but you have to move overseas to give a big shot at your dream career and he can’t come because his dreams are here at the moment and so are his $$ debts….?
You leave, and have a long distance relationship and hope it works out!
oh.. I just answered my own question.
hee hee :)
Wow. I was just catching up on older entries and came across this. The timing is eerily perfect and your insight is amazing as always. Thanks!!!
I’ve been looking for some good articles online about breaking up and relationships, as I’ve been going through a very confusing time with my current boyfriend.
Last weekend I realised it was best to end it, but I still have to tell him which I’m dreading, and want to do it at the right time ie. not when he’s in the middle of a project at work and massively stressed. After months of getting a sickening sinking feeling in my stomach, a heavy heart and lots of tears, I’ve realised that, although I love and care about my boyfriend deeply, we are not right for each other. I wish that this wasn’t the case so that I didn’t have to go through this pain, but I know I can’t run away from these feelings.
This is the 3rd broken heart of my life, and I hate the familiarity of the pain, confusion, sadness and sickness I now feel. However, all that you say is very true, and after a few months of suffering at the end of my past relationships, I did start to feel better and realised how wrong they were for me.
One thing I notice about many posters on here is that they say they got together with another guy 6 months to a year after their last one. With me I am always single for at least 2 years between men, which makes the break up worse knowing I have years to wait before being in a relationship again.
Having said that, maybe that’s part of the problem. Maybe I need to learn to love myself more and be less needy of a man, and instead of moping about being single and pining for a new relationship, I should get out and enjoy my life…
Thanks for the intelligent and very true article.