Long Distance Love
[ 8 July 2007 ]
Having a long-distance lover can be one of the most exciting things ever, or it can be one of the most heart-rending experiences of your life… & sometimes both at the same time.
The weird, sad truth is that until you spend copious amounts of time together (by which I mean, for example, 9 consecutive days, rather than 6 months of seeing each other for two days at a time), you’ll never really know how well the two of you mesh. I know this might sound a bit cynical, but ANYONE can turn on the charm for two days. It’s the long stretches of time which really tell you what the other person is like. Are they unbearably cranky on Monday mornings? Do they start drinking as soon as they get home on a Wednesday? Until you spend a week in their company, you won’t know.
This is not me trying to dissuade you from engaging in a long-distance love affair; far from it. They can be fabulous (especially if you’re a busy person & don’t feel the need for a ‘full-time’ lover!) — but all I’m saying is, if you decide to move in together, or one of you moves city for the other, please spend at least a week together in a one- or two-bedroom apartment! It will really tell you a lot about how you work together. I think it should be compulsory — a law! But it’s not, so all I can do is advise you to proceed with caution!
Here are the good things about long-distance relationships:
Love letters, pining, anticipation, travel, the total bliss of spending time with someone you’ve been dying to see, having lots to catch up on, long adorable phonecalls, lots of time to do your own thing & be independent, visiting another city & discovering new things, showing your lover around your city & planning cool things to do together.
Here are the bad things:
Long stretches of time alone, never really knowing what the other person is up to (not good if you’re jealous/insecure), the expense of travelling, the time involved in travelling, having to count out pairs of underwear to take with you when you go, packing, the actual travelling, sleeping alone, the feeling of pressure that you have to make the most of the time you have together, wondering what kind of future you could possibly have (& knowing that something will have to change in order for that to happen). Listening to this song & relating to it.
Long-distance love affairs can be fraught with friction. I have had more than my fair share (at least three), so here’s what I can tell you about this strange pathway to romance!
Define your relationship as quickly as possible
I learnt this one the hard way (ouch). If you think you’re a monogamous couple, or you would LIKE to be monogamous with this person, discuss it. I know it might seem a bit scary, & you don’t want to pressure the other person or get on their ‘bad side’ if you bring it up, but your heart is worth more than that! If the person you thought was your girlfriend sleeps with someone else because of some miscommunication, it is going to hurt. Work it out ahead of time. If the other person isn’t receptive to your idea, know that staying with them is probably going to be a rather painful exercise. Only you can determine how much pain you want to feel in your life, so act accordingly!
Stay in contact
Communicate often but try not to obsess… if you can help it! I have had long-distance relationships which ended up taking over my life because my boyfriend & I were so consumed with constantly texting, emailing & calling one another. Remember: you have a life, a career/schooling, your own friends! Try not to neglect these things because you’re glued to your cellphone. Usually in a relationship, the two of you will have different expectations of communication. Do you want to talk on the phone for hours every night, or is that just not practical? Do your best to compromise — maybe have two long phone conversations a week & send email the rest of the time. You can also send packages, letters, plane tickets or flowers.
Remember that your view of them is limited
New relationships are very exciting & often they turn into an insane case of limerence. I often find that long-distance love affairs are even more intense than normal ones, simply because of all the initial stumbling blocks. You never see them for very long, so you never have time to get sick of them. When you do finally see them, you’re both so pumped up that the adrenaline gets you totally high, & then they disappear so the initial thrill is instantly replaced with a feeling of longing. It’s a liiiittle bit unrealistic — not to say that amazing love doesn’t exist, but in real life, everyone has crazy families & irritating workmates & days when they can’t dress themselves. Do your best to keep it in perspective!
Be mindful of the cash you’re spending
Long-distance relationships can be really expensive. Plane tickets & phone-calls start to add up quickly. If one of you is doing all the travelling or making all the phonecalls, it will feel a bit unbalanced & can cause resentment.
Make friends with their friends
Do your best to find things you have in common with their friends. The reason for this is twofold, one of which is slightly sneaky. Reason one: if you’re thinking about moving to be with your new favourite person, you’re going to live a very lonely life if they’re the only person you know. Reason two: if you have any doubts as to their fidelity, being on good terms with their friends means you’re more likely to be privy to any guarded information.
Have your own reasons
If you end up moving city to be closer to them, having your own reasons for moving (other than proximity to them), it will make your transition much smoother. You don’t want “but I moved here for you!” to become a bargaining chip. (I’m reminded of an episode of Sex & The City, where Charlotte, who converts to Judaism, says to her boyfriend, “I gave up Christ for you, & you can’t even give up the Mets?!”. Her boyfriend retorts, “It’s going to be a long life if you keep that up! ‘I gave up Christ for you, take out the trash!’”. You see my point.) If you have a good job & friends in the new city, you will be much happier.
Long-distance romance can be very tough, but if you are both committed to making it work, there’s no reason why it can’t. Of my three long-distance relationships, two of them resulted in one of us moving. The first time I moved, & the relationship lasted five years, & in my most recent one, my boyfriend moved to be with me & then we both moved to Australia. We’re still together & very happy, so never fear, the potential for success is high!
Best of luck to you!
Extra For Experts:
The BBC loves you. Yes indeed.
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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Aww. Thanks for writing an article on this, Gala.
My long distance relationship definitely swings between heart-rending and fabulous quite often. It is, however, such a long distance that we do spend long periods of time in each other’s company – I lived with him in Europe for three months a few months ago, he lived with me for a few months before that, and he’s arriving in August for a month. As a result I know him really well by now, and he knows me – flaws and all :D
Sigh – and he has a design firm there, and I’m completing my degree here, so moving closer isn’t possible at all for the next few years! Eep!
I’m a lucky bunny – but it really is hard, hard work, especially if you both deal with the separation in different ways.
I’m in the midst of a long-distance relationship, so this was really timely! :) We’re both dealing with the issue of how to handle the long term right now; we see each other once every two weeks and it gets a little lonely for each of us at times! Even though we haven’t been able to spend gobs of time together yet, the advantage is that I know his best friend of 17+ years (we dated for a short while… yeah, its a looong and slightly messy story! lol), so I’ve got a good idea of who I’m dealing with. lol.
Thanks for writing this… as always good, wise words of advice!! :)
Hi, i love your articles, i forget how i came across them about 2 weeks ago, but they are a lot of fun and very insightful. I’ve spent a few hours here and there reading old archived ones and just skimming what you’ve done. But anyways more to the point, i was involved in a long distance relationship for about a year and a half (not TOO long, just the next state over, but long enough to hardly see each other) and they are pretty amazing if you find the right person. Unfortunately ours didn’t work out. But just letting you know that i completely agree with everything you said and that your website has become a guilty pleasure of mine, and i felt like chiming in. You always have such good advice.
You are queen of the manifesto. Honestly! I wish I had been more prepared in years past; this sure would have helped. My boyfriend is off to college in September, and no doubt I’ll be brushing up here. Thankyouthankyouyouarethebest:)
Poster girl here for long-distance-that-worked!
Me and Mr. Cisco started dating when he had already moved to Manchester a few months earlier for his degree, and I decided to spend my 20th birthday in London (we’re both Portuguese) with my bestest friend Marco. Since we had been friends for a while, he decided to stay in London with us for a week before coming up to Manchester for the start of term. We had two days together after getting it on before I left! We did the long distance thing (painfully) for 6 months before I moved to Manchester to do my own degree…and moved in together immediately. So, uh, yeah.
We spent (and still spend) 24 hours together because he’s a PhD student now and I do the Paraphernalia thing from home…not the most usual of relationships, but it works for us! We got married last May.
So, you know, there’s always hope ;)
This article couldn’t have come at a better time. My boyfriend started a new job at the beginning of June and was told he had to stay in another state 500 miles away for a month to train. I was upset, but it is his dream job so I told him to go for it, and that I’d be back here waiting for him.
A few weeks into June, we find out that he has to stay another month. He is kind of my “buffer” – he makes me a nicer, happier person when he is around, so when he isn’t, I’m crabby and irritable. This only worsened when I knew he would be gone for even longer. :/
Sometimes he gets to come home on weekends, like this one (he is in the shower, so I jumped at the chance to check for new articles!), but we find that we’re both so stressed out from not seeing each other that the time spent together is time spent arguing or bickering instead of cherishing what few hours we have together.
Luckily next week is our anniversary and we’ve both received 5 days off from work so we can go on vacation.
I know it’s not quite the same, because we were already together when our relationship suddenly became long-distance, but I was thrilled to see you had written something about it, and it couldn’t have been more perfect timing!
Dear Gala,
Thank you so very much for writing this. My fella &I have been together for 2ish years. Before he graduated we spent so much time together. When he went away for his first two semesters at school, it was rough not seeing each other for 2&3 weeks at at time [at first].
By second semester I loved the thrill of checking my inbox, talking on the phone &waiting for the weekend. I believe it really was good for us to see how things work out when he’s not just down the street.
somedays, gala, i think you are phsycic or something.
my situation is insanely complicated in addition to being long distance. but i am making it work and even though it is hard, i believe it will work out in the end. i hope =P
When my husband and I met I lived in Miami and he lived in Chicago. We met in New Orleans on a business trip. We spent those few days together (it was a really bad tradeshow and we had adjoining booths)and then had to go to opposite ends of the country. He visited 2 weeks later for a few days and then 2 weeks after that I when to see him. That night he proposed. Crazy and a recipe for disaster right?
Then we spend 9 more months trying to figure out who was going to move. It was stressful and hard and expensive, just as you say.
But you know what – we’ve been married 10 years this year. So it can really work out. Good luck
Luv
Poochie
http://shoedaydreams.blogspot.com/
Natalie — A few years, ouch! Now that’s devotion! You’ll have a great time in August though, I’m sure, & memories of things like that will help get you through the rough patches. Good luck cute stuff!
Casey — I hope you’re both able to pick up the visitation frequency soon. I have to say though, I think one of the best things about doing long-distance are the letters, packages & sweet phonecalls — the sort of thing you don’t really get if you’re living in the same house or even the same city. Cherish those things & it will help get you through!
Eric — I’m sorry your long-distance relationship didn’t work out. Sometimes I think it takes longer to work out how compatible you are when it’s long-distance, since you don’t have huge amounts of time to get sick of each other & dwell on one another’s flaws! Anyway, thank you! & pahhh, guilty pleasure schmilty pleasure!
Ellen — Make sure you send him off with lots of kisses & a relationship plan ;D
Vanda — Yayyyy! My boyfriend & I do the 24-hour thing too, since we both work from home. It can be hard sometimes but once you’ve established some kind of routine, it all works out.
Andrea — Aw, I’m sorry you’re finding it hard. But I’m really impressed that you have encouraged him to go for his dream job, even though it means distance between you — that’s really awesome & gracious of you & I’m sure he appreciates it. The good thing is that there’s a definite time-frame & you know when he’ll be back. Enjoy your anniversary! & if he starts to argue with you, just kiss him so he can’t! (P.S. I’m sure you’re lovely even when he’s not around. If you feel irritable, why not pretend he’s right next to you, & then try to act accordingly?)
Diane — That’s great :> I sometimes think a little distance is a good thing. There is a quote… something about distance either fanning or extinguishing the flame of lurrrrve. I think it’s pretty true! I’m glad you were able to see the positive side of having some space between you!
Emily — As long as both of you are putting in the effort, I’m sure it will be fine! Good luck cutie!
Poochie — Figuring out who has to move must be tough. In both of my long-distance situations, it was quite obvious. The first time, I was living in a city I hated. The second time, my boyfriend was living in that same city (ha!) & I had pledged never to move back. Congratulations though on your tenth anniversary! That’s fantastic. Where do you guys live these days?
Hi Gala,
We are living in small town near Winston-Salem, North Carolina.
I guess we’re willing to take chances because I had only visited NC once for a weekend in high school but thought it was pretty. My husband’s first visit was when he was driving up the moving truck from Florida.
But it’s worked out great so far and we’ve been here just 2 years now. We love our house and our town a lot.
One thing I will say is that knowing and trusting yourself in relationships, especially long distance ones, is key. I was only 23 when we met and my Dad, who had only met my husband for a few hours, asked me why I was marrying this random guy. And I answered “Dad, I could give you a bunch of reasons but all I’ll say is – I don’t have any doubts.” My Dad was like “Well, okay then.” And you know what, that statement is still true.
Poochie
http://shoedaydreams.blogspot.com/
It’s funny that you just posted this because I get to see my long distance boyfriend in two days and I am dying of anticipation.
However, I giggle at many of the things you say because my long distance relationship is very different than most people’s. And when we get to see each other, it’s always for much longer than two days :)
My boyfriend and I have been together long distance since we were both fourteen (now he is eighteen and I am almost). And by long distance I mean 700 miles, which I guess could be worse but it’s not exactly the next town over.
People always, always ask us how we do it, but I never really understand what they don’t get, because to us, it’s not difficult to maintain our relationship. In fact, I don’t know anyone else my age who is in as healthy a relationship as I am. Long distance dating just takes a certain kind of personality, I believe. And a lotttt of faith.
Anyways, I just wanted to thank you for addressing those of us who choose to date the more challenging way :)
I’m so glad you posted this! I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for 2 months (total relationship 9 months). It’s hard, real hard.
I live in Israel, he just moved to Washington state. I’m joining him in September, with no idea what’s next.
The crazy things you do for love.
Poochie — Definitely with you on the knowing/trusting yourself being key. If you’re the type of person who gets drunk & amorous every weekend, a long distance relationship is probably not for you! ;D
Jillian — Wow, good for you (two)! That’s an excellent effort. Do you have any plans to live closer in the near future or are you both happy to keep it the way it is? I find it hard to continue with something unless I can see a definite game plan, but that’s just me!
Yaffa — Gosh, moving to the States from Israel will be a bit of a culture shock! Is your boyfriend originally from Israel too? Are you going there for college or just for a change? My suggestion would be to prepare yourself as much as possible… maybe join some Washington-based online communities, etc., so that when you get there you feel like you have a place you belong. Moving is hard work, especially if you only know one other person (though, of course, that’s better than not knowing anyone at all!). Good luck!!
oh god, i remember last year before my boyfriend moved for college i read an article in Newsweek about how long distance relationships have little to no chance of success and it was so upsetting to read at that time. this article is a million times more reassuring (and realistic.)
anyways, my long distance relationship lasted a year after he moved, and when it ended it wasn’t because of the distance. i think the hardest thing about the situation was feeling incredibly torn between the relationship far away and then all of my friends and family at home, and a little isolated from both under the circumstances. it’s tough, but it was worth it while it lasted.
Your timing on this article could not have been better!
I recently met a wonderful man at a wedding that I attended about a month ago. His best friend married mine and we were both in the wedding party and immediately hit it off. We have been talking nearly daily ever since. Sadly, we live about 1200 miles away from one another. Things are still very up in the air as to what will happen. Some days it feels like a dream and other times it can be quite frustrating. Still, it is a wonderful adventure all the same.
Thank you so much for all of your thought-provoking advice. I have taken it all to heart.
Oh, we certainly have a game plan :) Go ahead and tell me that we’re young, I’ve heard it more than a million times already, but we already have the next few years of our lives (loosely) mapped out. We’ve known since very early on that we’re going to get married. He’s attending college in his hometown while I finish up high school (one more year), and then he’s planning on transferring to be closer to where I am going to university. We are quite on the same page with our future!
Thanks for a great article! I have been in a LDR for 4 months. He is my soulmate and I have never felt like this about anyone before. We live 200 miles apart which allows us to spend most weekends together. We have spent 1 full week together as well.
I am considering relocating which can be scary. Fortunatley, he lives in an area that I’m famililar with where I do have some friends and family. I am willing to take a chance and move because I can’t imagine my life without him!
IT IS VERY GREAT YEAH YOU HAVE THAT LITTLE THINK OF IS HE CHEATING ON YOU OR NOT BUT AT LONG AS YOU BOTH LOVE EACH OTHER LOVE CAN SUPPORT MANY THINGS IN LIFE THERES NOTHING BETTER THAN BEING IN LOVE BUT MAKE SURE THAT YOU GIVE YOUR HEART TO THE ONE THAT DESERVERS IT AND DONT GO FOR LOOKS THATS NOT EVERYTHING IN LIFE WHY ARE YOU GOING TO BE WITH SOMEONE GOOD LOOKING THAT TREATS YOU LIKE A PUPPET RATHER THAN BEING WITH SOMEONE THAT TREATS YOU WITH RESPECT THIS IS MY OPINION WHAT DO YOU THINK.